Quel gran pezzo della Ubalda tutta nuda e tutta calda (1972) - full transcript

UBALDA, ALL NAKED AND WARM

Water !

Stop,or I'll send you
to meet your boss in heaven !

Soldier,what do you want ?
Can't you see my holy habit ?

Don't you get it ?
This is a robbery !

Give me your bag or your life...
I'd prefer the bag.

Ok...but stop waving
that huge sword around !

I don't have much money.
I can give you the alms box...

Is it Easter already ?!

Sure,you're right...
I understand,my son.

Six months of war,
homesick,desperate...



... but you shoul never have attacked
a minister of God.

I was hungry.
I've been starving for four days !

All I found was water..
I was so hungry !

One night a soldier bit my nose
and ran off !

- Did you recognize him ?
- Sure,I had his ear in my pocket !

That's no way to do things !

We must love the Lord
and all His creatures...

All His creatures....

I got it...

What's that,bean wine ?

- Your health,father !
- Yes,health matters most....

- Where did you say you were going ?
- With the war over...

...I'm going back to my hometown.
"Watch-the-hole".

Where you left your wife...
tell me,is she beautiful ?



- She's more than "beautiful"!
- Have women always fallen for you ?

- They died for me !
- For your charm ?

No, I had an infectious disease,
but I'm better now.

So,you were a conqueror...

- Do you know how they call me back home?
- "The asshole".

How did you guess ?

You left your wife alone
to go to war !

Not really "alone",father...

Do you know Deodato
the blacksmith of "Watch-the-hole"?

Master Deodato ?
I've heard of him...

- ...he's the smith who makes...
- ...chastity belts !

He made one for my wife,
wich starts here...

...and goes all round,
a net of iron !

And this is the key...

In war I could lose an arm,a leg,
my head...but this never !

Without this,no one's
going to get into my wife !

Experience has taught me
that fidelity is one thing...

...and keys are another.
Take advices...

get home
as soon as you can...

Now let's rest... we'll get going
again when it's dark.

Tomorrow morning you'll be
in your wife's arms and...

Sleep,father... we'll catch
something here for sure !

This one won't have a club like yours !
Maybe that's what she's looking for !

Freeze and tramble !

Where are you hiding ?
I only see a timid bottom !

I beg you,take everything,
but don't kill me !

We'll see...

Stand still... I can't take
these head-butts !

My brain's
in a bad already !

What do you want ?

I have nose for these things...

You dummy! These coins
are no longer in circulation .

They were my grandpa's,
I'm no good with...

I am,my dear !

Have mercy,sir !

I've lost everything
in the war but my honor !

You mean you're still a virgin ?

- Yes,stil...
- Then it's time !

Your purse is worthless,
so if you want to save your life...

...what else can you give me ?

Come here.I'll introduce you to
the saint of lovers !

- Who's he ?
- Saint Shaggy !

What do you want now ?

Nothing,take me
and be done with it !

No one risist my beauty !

Ah...this armor
has to come off first...

So,do you want me or not ?

I do,but i need a hand
with this scrap iron !

- See how big I am ?
- Big nothing,it's the pitchforck !

Damn,I keep screwing up !

- Do you like it ?
- Yes,I love it !

This is nothing,now you'll feel
my famous masterstroke !

Has the war started again ?!

I started it,
you filthy pig !

First you want to rob me,and now
you want to rape this poor girl !

You've committed a sin against God !

But I didn't even finish !

You're taking the wrong road !
If you don't get your stuff...

...and flee far from temptation,
I'll breack your head !

Damn,you look like the devil !
Take this !

Are you giving me the horns ?

Did you think
you'd stay faithful for life ?

Damn,I keep screwing up !

My child,what did
that sinner want ?

I don't know,he jumped on me
and began touching me...

That brute... touched you here ?

- Yes,and behind...
- That pig ! And you ?

I was scared, so I let him !

- Did he touch these too ?
- No...

- No ?
- He kissed them...

He was dragging you to hell !
I'll take care of you,my child...

- What must I do ?
- I'll purrify you...!

I'll cancel your sisns
with my holy body !

Yes,father... I'm so happy !

- Purify me !
- I'll purify you...!

One,two,three,four,
even five times !

I want to become a dove !

Instead of acting the fool,
why not go to war ?

What ? I just got back !

I can't belive it ,
finally I'm home !

Giovanni,it's me... Olimpio !
I'm back from the war !

- Who gives a fuck !
- Right, a touch of human warmth...

Argo ! Let's see if
you recognize me !

Wow what a memory !
He recognized me !

Pour my water...

Beautiful...you're so beautiful !

- Do you mean it ?
- Yes,but no one enjoys your beauty .

You fool of husband
went off to war !

Midwife !

What's that noise ?
Go and look...

Lady Fiamma
a soldier's coming !

I can't see his face ,but...

- Is it my husband comiing back?
- Yes, it's him !

It seems the war gave him
a holly thrashing !

- Quick, I'll get ready to receive him !
- What a sainted lady you are !

Rather than receive him.
I'd slam the door in his face !

Midwife...

Fiamma !

Did you narrow the door's ?

My lord !

My god, what a mess !

Have you had another bath ?

Did you take one
when I left six months ago ?

I wanted to be beautiful
for your return...

Who told you I was coming back ?
That old witch ?

- Damn you !
- Does she still bite ?

Of course not,my love...
Given the state you're in...

...you should take a bath too.

If the water doesn't mind !

- My lady , I'm off...
- Me too !

- I'll leave the show to you...
- Get back in your cage !

To think how much I prayed
that she'd die !

Your armor isn't easy to open...

It's been falling apart for
six months...and now it won't open !

Relax...
wait , I'll help you.

- Wait, I've got just the thing...
- Go get it !

The sladge hammer ?
Are you going to beat me to death ?

How you become an "armor wrecker"?

Do I look like a nail to you ?!

Careful !
It's sheet iron !

It gets red hot under the sun !

Once it got so hot...

...that everyone cleared off
rather than burn !

Our captain fried two eggs on me !

- Come here !
- That's done...

..now I'll get you a towel...

The water's all yours...

Do I have to drink it all ?!

- Darling !
- My love, I'm burning with desire !

- You must flee,my husband's back...
- Can't we see each other again ?

I'll let you know ,now go...

- Ah, the key !
- Where's yours ?

- Right... so whose is this ?
- Don't worry, go.

Fiamma, at last !

At last nothing !
My husband's back from the war !

- Didn't they kill him ?
- Hurry Falco, save yourself !

I'll see you in a few days...

- Bye..
- Bye !

Hi there...

Serafino... it's me, Fiamma !

I was counting the minutes !

- Calm down !
- What's happend ?

The saddest thing in the world...
my husband's back !

I knew it !
I'll wait for you here...

What next ?!

- Done already ?
- Washed, wrung and dried .

- And your massage ?
- Right now, my darling !

You're so firey !
Your appetite scares me...

Appetite ? This is hunger!
Six months of abstinence...

- I didn't even get a goat !
- I was the same for me.

Your return is a dream, my love !

Your dream will come true !

- Ow! Is that iron down there ?
- Forgive me, darling...

- ... you hit the chastity belt.
- Oh , of course !

Get the key , and you'll be fine...

- I want to be free of this prison...
- I'll get it immediately !

Missed you that time...

Here it is !

Where's it gone ?!
The key...

Where's the key ?
Where are yoy key ?

The key's gone !

We could use the sledgehammer !

No, my love,what are you doing ?!

What am I doing ?
I'm going to crack your iron panties!

Yes, but the tresure inside
might suffer !

And, actually...

... I have something important
to tell you, come...

Let's hear it...

You have the time to talk with
master Deodato, the blacksmith...

When you left the war,
I made a vow to Saint Fertility...

If you returned safe and sound...

...we wouldn't make love
an this bed two weeks.

- Then let's use another bed !
- Yes, Olimpio...

But what are two weeks,
compared with a lifetime ?

Saint Fertility, huh? Must be one
that can't mind his own business !

And, what's more...

... if in two weeks we have a son,
he'll be born with red hair...

- Why ?
- Because I'm getting rusty!

In two weeks your love
will be at the peack of strength...

... for your stisfaction
and mine...

Yes...

Can't we just have a quickie ?

Sometimes when I'm tired
I get sleepy , how come ?

It must be a physical defect !

Fertility !

Fertility... come here,
I've something to tell you !

Are you there ?

Fuck off then !

What way of eating is that ?

Ok...I'll change !

- Do you like it ?
- What is it ?

Toad soup...

You might have killed first !

I'll stuff a lemon in her mouth
and put her in oven !

- Please, she saw me born...
- And now she wants to see me die ?

Let's change the subject honey...
Now the war is over...

... you must make peace
with our neighbor.

You mean the miller, Oderisi ?
He's too bitter...

Try yo understand, the stream
that run throught our properties...

...servs both of us, he for his mill,
and us for our fields...

It's time the dispute
was resolved peacefully...

He's too bitter...

It was so hard for me
when you went off war...

Take the notary's counsel,
he's a valiant man of law...

- ... let him do it !
- As for doing it...

Something needs doing here !
I'm going crazy...

No, I beg you, don't tempt me...
I vowed to Saint Fertility...

I dreamt of him last night...
he said, "Your wifels vow...

... got lost. I'm busy
and can't find it..."

So,it's no longer valid!

Please, resolve
things with Oderisi.

He's too bitter .

But no... after being widowed,
he married Lady Ubalda...

She's a sainted woman who, I'm sure,
has been able to change him...

She called her father !

I learned lots
of langueges in war !

Ubalda !

- Your husband !
- Right, at such a beautiful moment...

...who else could it be ?

- Hubbie, what do you want ?
- Open,the doctor's here !

One moment, I'm here
with my hairdresser..

I'm almost naked,
let me dress .

I know how jealous you are !

Who cares if you're naked.
I'm your husband !

The doctor doesn't
notice this things !

You're right, but
I don't want him to see me naked...

You know how shy I am !

True, but this doctor
could be your grandfather.

Come on,open...

Right, now you'll see that I'm
almost naked and get jealous...

No wise man could be
jealous of this doctor.

Please, come in...

- Here is my sweet consort.
- Your servant,my lady.

Your welcome, master...

I've never seen this
hairdresser... is she new ?

Yes... she was recommended to me,
she's very shy,but also very good...

- ...unrivalled in her profession.
- Too kind, my lady .

Well done, but now go,
the master must concentrate .

- I'll be back later...
- So, what's wrong with the lady ?

- She never wants to make love!
- Please, I'll explain...

- Master,it's a delicate issue...
- Feel free to tell me .

Master, my husband
is unable to fornicate with me .

Unable? Let me see those balls.
They dont look sick, a little puffy.

I want to, I try !

Traing isn't enough !
Every time we're in bed...

I start to swon . I feel
a great fire than I faint.

- Do you think it's serious ?
- I'd say so...

..a female like her is made for love.
Strip so I can take a look...

- Naked ?
- Yes, naked.

- Does she really have to be naked?
- Of course !

Now, breath deeply while
I put my ear your breast .

- Oh, how wonderful !
- Stop ! I'll do the ear bit .

I'll lean, listen and report .

Is that your breathing ?

No, him . He always does that,
but besides sighing that's it .

This is no good . Jelous husbands
are yhe ruin of medical science !

- Of cuckolds, if anything !
- A shame on you !

Are you more worried about
your wife's health or your own ego ?

What do you say, Lady Ubalda?
Will you do as the doctor says?

Yes, dear husband, let's humor him .

Come, Cerusico, ear to boob !

I'll put my hand here,
to get confortable .

What a strong heart
this woman has.

- Get other here !
- Are you joking ?

No, doctors don't joke,
not even at Carnaval !

I order you to leave becouse
your presence is a hindrance.

- She does't want to be alone with you !
- Let's ask her . You decide .

...him or me !

Dear husband, try to understand,
leave alone with the master,

I've overcome my shyness,
and I know I can trust him .

Allright, I'll be outside the door.
But hurry, I'll give you 10 minutes.

10 minutes is enought for me !

- What are you doing ?
- Underssing, he gave us only 10 minutes.

But grandpa, one month
won't be enough for you.

Your wife is right, Master Olimpio...

... disputes are costly,
and justice takes time .

You should reach an agreement .
A feew well-pleced words .

All this used to be my father's...
he sure was a happy man !

- To think, he hung himself .
- Out of sorry ?

No, by the neck !
That's it should hang Odersi !

Olimpio, be prudent. It seems to me
your blood is boling !

Can you tell? My wife has left
my whistle dry for a week .

My son, as if this
was your only problem !

If you need a good time,
couple with your servant...

- The one in my house ?
- Does that trouble your consecience ?

No... it turns my stomach !

Then try having a good time
with the boys...

Notary !

Well... you might be surprised !

I have a wonderful time
with my boys...

You mean you...

Who'd have thought !

Why do you keep stopping ?
You have a bad vice.

Look who's talking !

Welcome !

Is the master Oderisi's wife ?

Yes, he landed a beauty !
You're not envious, are you ?

Not in the least...

Relax, Olimpio...
Has she really smitten you ?

I can already see her with
nothing on... except me, of course !

My Lady, it's not I who speak,
but my soul...

By wthat name is this beauty called ?

- My name is Ubalda .
- And the ather one ?

My name is Lady Ubalda .
What can I do for you ?

Who knows, I like the lot !

We're here to discuss
boundaries, my lady...

- Where is your husband ?
- Here, notary .

Ah, you're here too...

Have you come to waste my time ?
Damned soldier !

You're back without booty !

Pusillanimous, tongue-wagging,
armless incompetent !

Too bitter !

Good day, master Oderisi !

It's not a good day,
with this filth in my house ...

The parties being present before me,
notary Adone Bellezza...

My lady, leave us .

Let's try to resolve this dispute
with civility and respect...

- I won't talk with that man.
- Very well, I'll talk...

Therefore...

The border between the lands
of Master Olimpio...

and those of
Master Oderisi, the miller...

...is in dispute over the stream
named "Aqua Viva"....

...which both parties mantain
is their property.

Ask him what he's
looking at over there...

Master Oderisi asks what
you are looking at over there...

- Buttoks...
- Huh ?

The above-mentioned stream
which runs along the border...

- ...between the lands of...
- Excuse me a moment...

Did I catch a connection ?

Enough, ok !

Give it a break !

What's that, the "soldier's slap"?!

Why do you keep hitting the same spot ?

Master Oderisi,
are you feeling ok ?

You look a little pale !

I'll give you the change later !

"...free of malice and cowardice...

...all this in honor
of common sense...

...rendering noble and content
men of goodwill,"

Where are you going ?
Come here .

Closer...

Let me feel...

Let me...aaaah !

What happened ?!
Is a trap ?

A mousetrap?!

To keep you away
from temptation, my husband...

You could at least
add a little cheese !

Again ?
Has that friar come back ?

Enought! At this I'll have
the washing hung by sunset!

But I'm helping you.

Nu, you're making things harder.
You're jealous !

It's your fault... hanging
clothes in front of the workers!

It's the sun's fault!
Do you want it to dry at night?

Damn them, hugging those sacks
thinking of your things!

Husband, what irreverent language !

If you're that jealous,
order them to stop working...

until I've gone inside .

I would, but this work is urgent.

Instead I order you to go inside
and not come out till they're done!

Go on, hurry !

And you, get working!
Work, you bums!

And stop hugging those sacks!

Hey, come and look!

Who is it ?

Look at him !

Next time you go out,
wear appropriate clothes.

- Armor, for example?
- Not a bad idea .

Stop being so jelous...
Your wife loves and respects you.

I'll prove you it with the clothes
I wear to go out.

- Why, where are you going?
- To town, it's market day.

Nu, not the market!

That loafer Olimpio
is always out...

... now that his wife won't entertain him
in bed, everyone's talking about it!

Now you're ridiculous!
I can't bear being stuck inside!

Tou should thank me,
your virtue is safe here!

What are you doing?
Aren't you tired of looking?

No, boss...

That is, yes... a certain Cantarano
da Nola is here to see you...

- Who's he ?
- A great master painter...

All eys on me !

I'll scratch anyone who moves...

Miraculous angel,
perfection of perfection...

- Fabulous !
- Wizard, have you done ?

I need to know
what Venus is this ?

What Juno,
what Minerva ?

What son of a bich
sewed this outfit ?!

While I need to know
who sent you here...

It is fate who sends me...

I have circled the globe...

...known kings and qeens
so rich they are bored...

...like that German prince
Von Fuck !

What rights do you have
over this celestial creature ?

What rights ?
She's my wife !

What a fool not to realize
you are the husband !

The forehead of a poet, eyes
of a thinker of an emperor...

... chest of a warrior,
a knight's hands, strong and kind...

Becouse I love nature,
I love to live outdoors...

- ...drink toasts, play cards...
- Whist ?

Uh... no, pederast .

I'm here by order of your lord.
... Duke Guazzone da Vellentri.

He said, "Go, paint
Lady Ubalda, whose beauty...

... is fabulous!"

But the duke didn't tell me about you,
so cute and good-looking...

Si, sir, it is with you
that I shall retire...

... to paint you naked !

Have you gone crazy ?

- Do you dare disobey the duke ?
- No, but he told you to paint Ubalda!

True...

- Do you dare disobey the duke?
- Never...

- Then have yourself painted...
- No.

- No ?
- No ?

No. No man other than my husband
may see me naked!

Man ?

As you wish, husband...

- The key...
- The key ?

- If I have to be naked...
- She's not naked with the chastity belt!

Ok... here you are.

Bye, sweetie...

Hey, come and look! The painter's
taking her up to strip naked!

Come in...

Will you be comfortable here ?

On the floor ?

Very comfortable!

- Whenever you wish, master...
- Not yet.

I can feel paralysis setting in!

Oh, mother...

Guard her well...

I'll get my things...

My lady, what are you waiting for ?
Don't upset the painter...

- What are you doing, master?
- I've locked it.

Why?
I'm on guard out here!

- No one must enter, not even you.
- Why ?

So you don't break my... inspiration.

- Who's that ?
- Who? It's me!

Let me through,
I got the ladder and I'll climb it!

You care me,
why are you looking at me like that?

A painter has eyes
like of a doctor...

...crazed...

Let me up, let me up!

Let me up!

Go on, let me up!

Come on, out of the way!

Let me look to!

It's my turn!

Master, why can't I hear
your voice any more?

Odd, I talk constantiy!

Sorry, but I hear nothing...
maybe I'm going deaf.

Master... is inspiration
coming or not coming?

Nearly...

Hold still, don't push!

- What are you waiting for?
- Give me time, I'm confused...

... with all this acting gay...

- I'm a real macho, uh?
- The key...

Right... the key!

Ok,I'm opening it!

I told you to go away!

Courage, master...

I'm scared I'll break it!
I mean, 'tear the canvas'...

The painting canvas, of course!

- Careful!
- Careful, we'll fall!

What happend?

But... what happened?

You dirty peeping toms!

Take this!

- What's going on?
- They were spying on my wife naked!

Oh... beat them, without mercy!

I will, and some!

Olimpio De' Pannocchieschi?!
I'm gonna kill you!

I'll disembowel you,
tear your heart out!

I'll feed you to de pigs!
You filthy brute!

He's coming!

He's very angry... lord knows why!

Open, you dirty worm!

Open or I'll kill you!
You too, lady, open up!

Help!

Help me, husband!
The painter has pulled out his "brush"!

He's trying to rape me!

Don't open!
He'll break both our butts!

How did you guys get down?

- I'm out of here!
- Go, go... my dog will catch you!

Sorry...

Quick, take me to him!

An ambush, another thief!

Hush!

Do you always take the same road?
Don't you ever pass for "fuck off"?

Where have you taken me?

Here I am, father!
Did you call me?

Are you a fag too?

Sorry. Your boss
hasn't gone, has he?

He was giving me advice,
but I fell asleep...

...after all those knocks!

There he is! Look at that feast...
grapes, chicken, bread...

When he's not hitting, he's eating!

May I, father?
What's the food like?

- Like your own home...
- Then I'm leaving!

What a fuss! You must accept
all that heaven sends...

... as I accept
this morsel of penitence.

By the way,
are you at peace with God?

Yes, we say hi,
but we don't really talk...

- Do you serve chickens?
- We serve anyone...

She recognized me on sihgt!

- What's your name, my child?
- My name is Candy, but call me Handy...

- Where's your father?
- I'm orphan.

- Brothers?
- None...

- Don't tell me you don't have a fiance!
- I don't...

- I live sad and alone...
- Don't worry, my child...

... one's never alone in life,
if you want...

I forgot... I'm a poor friar,
so you pay the bill.

- Don't you have any money?
- I've have renounced all...

You sure haven't
renounced eating!

That advice I asked for,
you still haven't given it...

Right, but tell me...

... who is this female
driving you so crazy?

Lady Ubalda, the wife of master
Oderisi, the miller. Do you know him?

For sure!

That skunk sold me
two sacks of flour full of worms!

He wants to steal
the water from my fields!

- Can't we fuck him?
- What ?

I mean, how can I get
to cuckold him?

With great cunning...
you must play the "painter ploy".

Again? I told you
how well that went already!

Hush, let me speak...
I mean a real painter.

Do you know the famous master,
Caterano da Nola?

Yes, Duke Guazzone's painter!
That's who I played...

- Then you understand everything...
- Sure...

I've understood nothing!
I'm inteligent, but not very...

And with all these knocks...

... it feels as if two bats
are arguing in my head.

Go rest, then.
I'm going to console that poor girl...

- We'll talk more later.
- Yes, later...

...after she got Handy on you!

This is a sin, my child...

... I explained it
so you can avoid it...

- Have I been clear?
- No...

No?

But I eplained it twice!

You live in the country,
but you're hard-headed!

Maybe I didn't
explain myself properly?

No, you explained very well,
but I'd like to know more...

More? Alright.
I'll explain one last time...

... but is the last !

- Friar's hideout!
- What do you want?

Can I have a ride too?

Haw you dare? Can't you see
I'm doing a panance?

I just wanted the advice
I asked for...

If not, I'm not moving...

You won't leave?

- Will you listen, my son?
- Yes, sure!

But hurry, or your penance
will get cold...

You must stop the painter
at the Castagnaccio Pass...

With confidence, you tell him,
"I come in the name of Duke Guazzone!"

When you say "Guazzone" It must be
like lightning from a clear sky!

"He orders you to go
to the mill of master Oderisi...

... to take the beautiful
Lady Ubalda."

Once taken, you must conduct her
to the duke's castle.

She must be the model
for the great fresco...

... that will adorn the walls
of the banquet hall.

Master Deodato,
does this chastity belt work?

It's my masterpiece. None but I
can open it without a key!

- Is it good against painters?
- Good against all artist...

- Boss.
- What is it?

- The master painter is back.
- Again?

Step aside, peasant!

I am Caterano da Nola, famous
painter and great talent...

By order of
Duke Guazzone da Viterbo...

... I have come to take
your wife, miller.

Why, master?

To take her to the castle,
where I can paint her at ease...

I'll paint you, you son of the beach!

- Now I'll fix you!
- Calm down,stop! Halp!

Quick, stop him, or Duke Guazzone
will have his head off!

Quick, or the duke's rege
will fall on us!

- Oh, mother!
- Stop, stop...

Master Oderisi, what have you done?!
The duke's rage will be great!

- It is he who sent the painter!
- What painter!

This is Olimpio,
that fucking whoremonger!

The duke will make you pay!

Help! Help!

Tell the duke I'm innocent,
I didn't mean to offend.

Calm down, won't you!

Can't you see he's sleeping?
You'll wake him up!

Hey move!

If we're late
it'll be your fault!

I was framed, I'd never
lack respect for the duke!

Can you prove it ?

No? So?

It's the truth, I'm innocent!

This guy was innocent too...
or at least said he was.

- Doesn't justice exist?
- Sure it exists...

- But it takes money,
and if you have any...

... I have a lawyer friend,
an eminent jurist...

- Shall I call him ?
- Well, if he's eminent...

Didn't scare you
even just a bit?

- No...
- Then I'll try again...

- Better this time, right?
- Just come and eat!

I can't, I've a commitment...

I'm escorting a procession
touring the mills to ask for flour....

- A procession of what?
- Uh... they're lepers...

Hey, where are you going?

They're not bad guys!

It's me who's the smartass!

Lady Ubalda, what now?

- What's that noise?
- Oh, come on...

- No, one moment...
- You always say that!

Can't you hear it?
Maybe the miller's back!

My jealous husband!

-Open up!
- Who is it?

I'm the hard one
that heals!

That is. I'm love personified...
Well, whatever...

- 50 florins, sir...
- Fuck!

- I'm sorry?
- I said, "justice is expemsive"!

Miller, is your head
worth less?

No, but I was adding it up...
5 to the soldier who called you...

... 10 to you, that's 15...
who gets the other 35?

Duke Guazzone...
who else hands out justice?

But you are Olimpio!
You're not my husband!

Why, is he the only one with a prick?

It's not my husband!

- It's not my husband!
- Have you seen me in profile?

- You gain in the excenge!
- It's nou my husband!

Why scream?
There's only us two here!

It's not my husband...

He's dead...

Giannetto, what have we done?
I'm scared...

Let's stay calm, Ubalda.
Olimpio was a weird guy...

They'll think he's gone on some trip,
without telling anyone...

Don't worry,
we're in no danger.

- Are you sure?
- Of course...

... and anyway, who's going
to look in a cesspit?

Lady!

Who's armor is this?

Have you lain with that pig Olimpio?

- Have wanted to...
- I know very well, damn!

That's why I ended up
in that cage!

- You think I gave in?
- Actually, I do.

How you dare?!

I'm a timorous and faithful woman....

When Olimpio tried
to possess me...

... I heat him with this club!

- Like this! Like this!
- Hey, stop it!

- Do you believe me?
- Sure I believe you!

- And... I believe he's dead.
- Dead?!

Saint Cerusico, virgin and martyr!

What did you do with the body?

I threw him where he deserves...
in the cesspit.

The cesspit?

Then, we have to
get rid of this srmor.

- We should bury it...
- Yes, but not close to the house.

Help me, I'm going to bury it
in the countryside.

Excellent idea,
take care you're not seen...

Olimpio De'Pannocchieschi, you
tried to trick me, but you're dead.

When I've got rid of this armor,
no one will suspect me...

Yes, but... why bury it?
I could use it to get revenge...

Of course... how stupid!

It's unique opportunity...

Darling Uguccione, give me more...

- Lady, did you hear anything?
- I'm not made of stone!

I feel everything!

I clearly heard footsteps!

Saint Fertility,
my husband's back!

Ouick, under the bed!
- It always ends like this!

I'll open, husband dear.

In your absence,
I preferred to lock myseif in...

What happened?
Why don't you speak?

What's wrong?
Are you angry with me?

You did well to come back,
my penance ends at midnight...

I see your desire
and I'm ready to please you...

But...

- But you're not my husband!
- No!

- Help, it's not my husband!
- Hush!

Shut up!

Are you sure
the miller was dead?

If he wasn't,
he will be down there...

Lady, I'm not a killer, but...
better master Oderisi than us.

Yes... better him.

Where am I?

Don't worry, master Oderisi,
we're both in deep shit!

- Weren't you dead?
- Did your wife tell you?

- Did she tell you about her lover?
- What?

You're a cuckold, master Oderisi...

You filthy rogue, look who's talking!
I'll show you who's the cuckold!

Who do you take me for?

Your wife has a lover too!

- So you had a go as well!
- Yes, but I got nowhere.

Me neither!

In that case,
it's time we talked...

- Yes, let's talk...
- At last...

Take that,shitface!

- Get out, if you've got the balls!
- It's not easy!

I'll help you.

Lost your tongue, huh?

Oderisi, take this!

I got you there,didn't!

Ugly moron!

Ugly maybe...
moron for sure!

Duke Guazzone!

Got you! What a head butt!

Who knows what's in my head?!

- Come here...
- What's my name? Who am I? Did it rain?

Enough, Oderisi!
We're clean now, aren't we?

- Stop, I've lost my thirst... peace?
- Peace.

However, according to me
your wife's an easy lay!

She's a bit of a slut,
but yours is no joke either!

There's a proverb that says,
"Wives and oxen are found at home!"

We found wives,
but it hasn't worked out!

Does that mean next time
we'll try with oxen?!

Speaking sincerely, Olimpio...

- Do you like my wife, Lady Ubalda?
- Fuck!

- Fuck yes or fuck no?
- What a question... fuck yes!

Ok...

... and I confess that I like
your wife, Lady Fiamma.

Am I wrong, or are you
proposing we swap horns?

I'm just saying that neither of us
wants others to enjoy our wifes...

- Correct. Excuse me...
- Thanks.

In other words,
our fun is our bussiness!

How come they did't drown
in the cesspit?

Men like that
have the devil on their side.

When they got home,
did they forgive their wives?

Not only, but they confirmed
a vile exchange agreement!

You mean, each sleeps
with the other's wife?

Who knows how they'll be
after this sin!

What times! The end of the world
is really coming...

Oh mother!

All in embroidered silk,
a real dream...

You're right, I myself have seen
the duchess wear that dress.

- They say it comes from France...
- The French have wanderful tailors...

... but I find that dress
truly scandalous!

- Do you think it is too short?
- Very short!

To think it even shows
your ankles!

Heavens, where will this fashion
lead us?

They'll say that we're easy!

So, will you give me
your chastity belt key?

Even though the word
'chastity" doesn't suit her...

- Here!
- I suppose you want mine...

But don't fall in love... and re-lock it
asa soon as you're done.

Do you think they'll ask questions?

What questions!

At most
they'll scream a little...

- Gentlemen?
- Here!

This is a nice spot, no?

Perfect, I'd say...

It's a marvellous day,
for eating and making love...

Here, my lady...

Here we are!

Olimpio, do you prefer
eating or making love?

I prefer making love, but
I'm not slouch at eating either!

- And you, ladies?
- Loving...

- ... because eating makes us fat...
- ... and therefore unattractive...

Well said

Fiamma, I hope you haven't
forgotten the onions...

Onions? But you don't like them...

... you say they're heavy...

Well, once I killed a heard
of buffaloes with a single breath...

... no offence to present company,
you understand...

But master Oderisi likes onions...

Me?

Oh, yes... of course!

Impossible, you've always
hated onions!

I adore them! But at home
I don't want my breath to bother you.

You can eat a cart-load here,
it'll all evaporate.

Fiamma, remember
that vegetable patch near here?

- Why not go and get a few onions?
- As you wish...

... since it gives you pleasure...
I'll go and get some onions...

I'll escort you...

If my husband agrees...

Oderisi is like a brother...
the stupid one, that is!

- Well then, I'm off...
- Yes, go, I'll wait for you here.

- Sir...
- My lady?

- What are you waiting for?
- What am I meant to do?

Cuckold the miller, given that
you're both in agreement!

But nobody knows...

Who could forget!
Lord that's a lot!

- My lady...
- Yes?

- Do you really want get onions?
- But we're getting them for you...

- Do you want like them?
- Yes, but I prefer apples...

- Sir...
- Not to mention melons...

- Shameless!
- Yes.

- So you, I'll undress...
- And the key?

Yes, the key...

Here it is...

Sir, I mean...

... are we doing this or not?

Of course we are,
I'm nearly there!

Holy shit, does this
key work or not?

It won't open!

It won't open?

- Can I try?
- Sure, go ahead...

Son of a fucking bitch!

Olimpio De' Pannocchieschi,
key facker!

Master Oderisi, that's
the last time you screw me!

I'm going to butt your belly
till you burst!

Get ready, death is night!

Oh, sorry...

Master Oderisi...

Don't ask for mercy...
Oh, I thought I was stronger!

- Not fair,I'm down!
- True...

- Peace?
- War!

Thanks, I didn't know how to stop...

What?
Has the sun gone down?

My ass isn't tender!

Oderisi, are you hugging me?
Do you want to dance?

Don't try to get away,
I've got you!

What are this? Spring rolls?

You know, you're heavy...
why not try a diet?

Woms would work great!

Peace?
- Peace...

- Had enought?
- I'm a punch short, but it's too risky.

- Do you still want Ubalda?
- And, you Fiamma?

- Me, sure...
- Do you think I'm stupid?

Then let's exchange keys,
but the right ones...

No jockes!

- I've lost it!
- Me too!

- But we did't hear them fall!
- Let's look...

Yes, let's look...

The keys aren't here!
But there's a lot of chicory...

Move!

Come on!

Ladies, what a lovely surprise!

The plesure
is all ours, father...

What brings you out here,
so far from town?

Just an innocent picnic
with our husbands...

Master Olimpio
and Oderisi together?

Don't be surprised, our husbands
have reached an agreement...

... they're firm friends now.

How wonderful, at last
my desires have come true!

But where are they?

Her husband is in the fields
gathering onions...

- Hers went for apples and melons...
- Great, I'm so happy!

Field work makes a man
strong and vigorous!

Please...

My ladies, why don't we dedicate
this rest to meditation?

You guide us, dear monk...

Everyone say's you're a master
at talking to souls...

Yes, everyone does,
won't you teach us too...

- Does the abyss hide many sins?
- Hundreds...

- How can a woman defend herself?
- By fleeing temptation...

- And how does one flee?
- With will power, my children...

And what must one do
to avoid the precipice?

Apply will power...

Help us find
the keys to happiness...

- You have them...
- All of them...

... which always works!

- I haven't found mine!
- Me neither!

Damn whoever invented
chastity belts!

Modestly speaking, I believe
I'm one of the greatest inventors...

... of chastity belts
and a similar protective devices.

I have just the right device
for you...

How do you find inspiration?

In a flash, like now...

I feel my mind move,
and snakes all over me...

- Are you throwing them at me?
- Oh, sorry.

- Here are my latest finds...
- Why, did you lose them?

Under whatever circumstances,
a true chastity belt...

... protects a husband's honor
with extreme defence devices.

This one's called
"The Demon's Claw"...

I'll show you how it works...
Here...

...proceed...

See?

No cucumber escapes
"The Daemo's Claw"...

Now let's look at
"Sulphur of Satan"...

Diabolic and infallible...

Hand me a cucumber...

Observe!

Sulphur of Satan!

No cucumber fails to scorch!

But what if it scorches
my wife's peach?

- Don't you have anything less drastic?
- Sure, my masterpiece!

A cucumber, please...

Here it is...

A last caress... totally silent!

It's a belt with one entry
and free access...

Cucumber...

- And now?
- When you least expect it...

Did I scare you?

- Does noise weigh?
- No...

Then I shitted myself!

Shall I warp it,
or will you take it with you?

What?
Oh... send it to my house...

Master Deodato, may I?

- Oderisi, what brings you?
- Can you keep a secret?

Like a charm!
An inventor is like a confessor...

I need a device...

... that allows free access
and looks innocuous...

But at the right moment... SNACK!

Adaptare Dvix Cristiano Ferocci

THE END