Queens Logic (1991) - full transcript

In Queens, a group of friends prepares a bachelor party for their childhood friends Ray and Patricia; however Ray has cold feet and is insecure whether there will be wedding. During the party, there are discoveries for most of them. Al, who is married with Carla with two daughters, is a womanizer and meets the wealthy Grace that teaches him a lesson. The musician Dennis, who seems to be proud of living in Hollywood, confesses that he misses the Queens. The gay Eliot gets rid of Jeremy and stays with his friend Marty. Ray meets the gorgeous Asha and finds what he wants.

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[music playing]

One, two.


(SINGING) I've got the world on
a string, sittin' on a rainbow.

Got the string around my finger.

What a world, what a life.

I'm in love.


I've got a song that I sing.

I can make the rain go
anytime I move my finger.

Lucky me.

Can't you see?

I'm in love.

Life is a beautiful thing,
as long as I hold the string.

I'd be a silly so-and-so
if I should ever let go.

I've got the world on a
string, sittin' on a rainbow.

Got the string around my finger.

Oh, what a world, what a life.

(SINGING) Dada-dada-da,



Da-dada-da-da-da, da-dada-dada.

Da-dada-da-da-da, da-dada-dada.

Dada-dada-da, da-dada-dada.

Jackie Wilson said
it was "Reet Petite."

Kinda love you got
knock me off my feet.

Let it all hang out.

Oh, let it all hang out.

And you know I'm so wired up.

Don't need no coffee in my cup.

Let it all hang out.

Let it all hang out.

Watch this.





You don't know me
and I don't know you,

so let's cut to the
chase, shall we?

Your hair!

Hey, I'm just trying
to be honest here.

I don't know if it's a wig or
what, but I can work with that.

Go away, Al, before I
do you with my hair spray.


I'll come back later
with some hedge clippers.

We'll do a sexy
hair cutting thing.

(SINGING) I'm in heaven.

I'm in heaven.

I'm in heaven when you smile.

When you smile, I'm in heaven.

I'm in heaven.

I'm in heaven when you smile.

[yelling out]

One more time.

I'm in heaven.

I'm in heaven.

(SINGING) I'm in heaven when
you smile, when you smile.

[tires squeal]

Ooh, mean, nasty,
mean and nasty.

I can work with that!

(SINGING) Dada-dada-da,

Dada-dada-da, da-dada-dada.

I've got the world on a
string, sittin' on a rainbow.

Got the string--

MONTE: Al, is that you?

No, it's Tony Bennett.

Hey, I thought criminals
made a lot of money, Monte.

You live in this dump?

Hey, I'm using
it for the office.

My mother lives here.

I got a place in Long Island.

So your little cousin
Ray's getting married, huh?

AL: Yeah, it's going to be
a hot ticket, good excuse

to get us all back together.

MONTE: Worth the climb.

I'm just middle-manning
on this one, Al,

much too classy, as you
can see, to move in Queens.

I could unload it in Manhattan,
the jewelry district,

you know, a lot
less hassle to me.

Then Jack says Al's looking
for something nice for Carla.

And hey, I've always
liked Carla, so I said,

tell him to come on
up and take a look.

So happy anniversary.

What is it now,
six or seven or--


How much?

Legit, $9,000, $10,000.

For you, I mean, seeing as
we're practically family,

I guess I could probably
give it to you for maybe,

I don't know, maybe at least--

well, maybe about, uh--

About $4,000, cash, and
box seats, the Mets, tonight.

Am I right?

Yeah, you're right.

Isn't that unbelievable, Ray
and Patricia getting married?

When's the wedding?


Marriages, anniversaries.

I mean, a guy
could get confused.

I mean--

Don't worry about a tux.

It's going to be outside, in
the park, under the bridge.


AL: Hell Gate.


AL: Yeah.

Hey, Monte.

You want to be happy for
the rest of your life?

Fall in love with your wife.

PATRICIA: How could you
make plans with Al tonight?

To sell a painting.

We were supposed
to see my parents.

They hate me.

They do not.


Why are you cancelling
at the last minute, huh?

This is important.

Because I got to
think, all right?

Because I got a
lot to think about.

Because, because--



Did I object when you
said we had to get married

under the Hell Gate Bridge?


So why can't you do this for me?

- Look, can't you understand?
- Huh.

Something came up.
All right?

I'm under a lot of pressure.

Who is this?

If I don't trust my
instincts, then I'm dead.

I'm a dead man.


You just triggered my
built-in shit detector.

I hear sirens going
off in my head!


[imitating siren blaring]

RAY: All right.

Hey, give me a break.
All right?

Hey, stop it!

I got it.

You're planning on leaving
me at the altar, aren't you?



Ray, look at me.

OK, fine.

Be there or don't be there.

That's up to you.

Either way, I'm showing up.

You understand?

This is one decision
you're going

to have to make on your own.

Have a great time.

[flushes toilet]

RAY: Ah!

[inaudible] and gentlemen,
your attention, please.

As you can see,
nothing up my sleeves.

My lovely assistant,
Hibachi Jack.


And presto.


Come on, Jack.

Where is it?

Well, perhaps someone down
here knows where it is.

Body search!

All right, body search for
everyone until we find it.

Ooh, wrong kind of bar.


How old are you?

I'm 21.

And I'm Humpty Dumpty.



Jack and Jill went up the hill--

JACK: Hey, Ray.

How's it going?

Not this stupid trick again.

I can't stop him.

I just can't stop him.

You know about Humpty Dumpty.

He forgot.

No, he didn't.

Yeah, he did.

Ma, don't start this shit.

All right?

You kiss your mother
with that mouth?

Not unless I'm shaking.

Night of your anniversary,
you're standing around waiting.

Don't surprise me a bit.

It's starting
again, my breathing.

Ah, let's face it, Carla.

The guy's a creature.

You married a horror film.

You trying to kill me, ma?

Go ahead.

Go ahead.

Here, use this.
No, wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

I'll get you something
dull so it'll really hurt.

How about a butter knife?

You're so dramatic.

This is nice.
This is very nice.

How much?

Monte gave me a break.

Oh, yeah?

What'd you give him?

Invitation to your wedding.



Oh, that's great.

Now I'm going to have
to hire security guards.

These are on me, guys.

Congratulations, Ray.
It's about time.

All right.

Thanks a lot.


Let me see the piece.


Come on, Jack.

Women want men who taste great,
not men with great taste.

You know, your
cousin's brilliant.

He's quoting fish now.


This is great.


Thank you.

All right.

I'm going to take
it in the back.

Thanks a lot.

For what?

For what?

You're turning every store
owner on Astoria Boulevard

into an art collector.

Come on.

It's an investment.

You're going to be famous.

And when you are, they're
all going to feel things.

What could be bad?

I know what time it is.

Look, just cancel
the reservations, OK?


[slams phone]

I'll take the
kids to my place.

There hasn't been
domestic violence

there since your father died.
- No.

Look, I just want to know
something bad happened to him.

Then everything
will be all right.

Oh, come on, Carla.
Smell the garbage.

He's in a bar and he's
buying the next round--

Ma, shut up.

Stepping for those
failures he calls friends.

You see the violence?

You could've married anybody.

He's a fishmonger!

I'll call you.

MARIA: Carla!

I'm so late.

I've got to go.
RAY: Hey.

See you later, Jack.

JACK: All right.

Take care.


MAN IN BAR: It's Joey Clams.



Guy thinks he's Santa Claus.

There he is.

Hey, Al, I want to talk to you.

OK, but I got to know.

Is Clams really your last name?


Yeah, and ho's next, right?

Get out of my face, and
stay out of my business.


All right.
Come on, Al.

Let's go.

(SINGING) Play that
funky music right.

You see the shit I've
got to put up with?

This [inaudible] stinks like
fish and talks to me like that?

Only in Queens, I'm telling you.

He's yours.

'Til you die.

Yeah, yeah.

Joey Clams.

Guy watched too many
gangster movies,

comes up with a name like that.

Al, you like being married?


Being married, do you like it?


Like is kind of a strong word.

Ah, so you love it.


What do we got here,
cold feet time?

Am I right?


OK, listen, you're confused?


You be as confused as you want.

It's practically a tradition.

And I should know, I'm married
to a wonderful woman, a saint.

Am I right?


And I got two
lovely kids, a house.

I'm the fucking "Donna Reed
Show" for Christ's sake.

Just relax.

- All right.
- All right?

- Yeah.
- It's going to be fine.

All right.


I'm dead.

Carla's going to kill me.
It's our anniversary.

Oh, yeah.
Hey, hey.

Happy anniversary.

Hey, you want to shoot pool?

I'm just kidding.

Jeez, married guys.

[music playing]


[door opens and closes]

Carla, I'm home.


(SINGING) I've been really
trying, baby, trying to hold

back this feeling for so long.

And if you feel--


--like I feel, baby, come on.



--come on.


Let's get it on.

Ah, baby, let's get it on.

Let's love, baby.

Let's get it on.



Where's the babysitter?

You mean my mother?

Why can't you just say it?



Where did Maria go?

I sent her home.


I'm not laughing this time, Al.


[glassware clattering]

You and your friggin' friends.

You can't do this to me!


And giving yourself to me--





Get your stuff.

We're going to grandma's.

You like baseball, Al?

You like baseball?

You're out.

You're history.

I'm leaving you.

No, check that.

We are leaving.

Come on.

Hi, daddy.

Come on!

I'm asking you, baby,
to get it on with me.

[door slams]

Ooh, ooh.


[train horn]

[news on radio playing]





Leave me alone.

What do you want?

Where's Ray?

He's on the roof.


How do I look?


That didn't help.


Rule one, Eliot, be
nice to the bride.

[news on radio continues]

[music playing]

[sirens nearby]

I like the globe.


Hey, what are you doing?


I thought we were going
to have sex this morning.

I'll tell you what.

You get off work early, and
I'll see if I can squeeze you

in before we go to my parents'.


You want to talk?

What about?
What do you want to talk about?

Oh, nothing.
I just--

No, I'm OK.
I'm fine.

I'm OK.

This is nuts.

Look, two days, it'll be over.



Then we'll be back, huh?

We'll just be us, right?


So sometimes it
goes away, right?



And then it comes back, huh?

Look, does this chick love
you, or am I the pope?


And do your laundry,
and be your love slave.


And be your muse.

These days?

Forget it, doesn't
exist, except for us.



[steam whistle]

Down, boys.

It's payday, and I'm the boss.

De-bone that before noon.

Thank you very much.


Wait a minute.

Don't-- don't hang up.

Don't hang up!

[dial tone]


I will be the first
to admit I want to die,

but let's kill
one of them first.

We hired them.

We can kill them.

Why are you wearing those?

No reason.

ELIOT: What happened?

This morning, the freezer.

I walk in and--



Sea bass.

From Maine.

Al, you got problems,
I'm here for you.

Don't give me bullshit.


OK, I'm sorry.

Send the scum up.


They're already here.

Come in!

AL: Moe, Larry, Curly, welcome.

Uh, will that be check or cash?

[music playing]

[groaning and laughing]

Oh, god.

I love tequila.

Mm, mm.

Wait a minute.

What do you mean
wait a minute?

Not here.

What do you mean not here?



[phone ringing]




I could have been somebody,
Charlie, instead of an actor,

which is what I am.

But I'm not home right now,
so just leave your message.

Who's that supposed
to be, Brando?


That's terrible.

You call yourself an actor?

Where are you?

You're at home.

I can sense it.

And you've got a girl there,
some sex kitten from the Upper

West Side who puts out.

Am I right?

Eliot, we got to
move to Manhattan.

If Vinny can score there--

Something's wrong.


It's not that bad.

When are you going to
stop letting the big head

be ruled by the little head?

And it is little, isn't it lady?

I don't know how you do it.

Eliot was saying--

El, what was it?

It's his forehead.

The bathroom.

It's prehistoric.

You know, women love
that Neanderthal thing.

Oh, yeah, the bathroom.

The bathroom, that's hot.

Yeah, I like that.

OK, listen.

Be at Jack's at 8:00.

We'll pick up Dennis
at the airport.

He'll be ready to party
after his trip from LA,

so don't bother to
clean up your place.

We'll just trash it.


VINNY (ON PHONE): Hello, Al?

I'm here.

Hold on, hold on.

[dolores coughing and gagging]

Oh, come on,
Dolores, not my shoes!

[continues vomiting]


God, I feel so alone
at this moment.

She's a lawyer,
for Christ's sake.

Oh, he must've scored
big at happy hour.

Vin, you got to get your
phone out of the bathroom.

[dolores vomiting]

Oh, she's the one, Vin.

Marry her.

Can I be your best man too?

Double wedding, double wedding.

VINNY (ON PHONE): Come on.

Don't bust my balls,
Al, not right now.

I mean, jeez.

If you were here, you'd
see how pathetic this is.

We got company.
VINNY (ON PHONE): Dolores.


One Joseph Clams.

for the bowl, please.

This guy--

Here, take this towel.

This guy.
I don't need this, Eliot.

VINNY (ON PHONE): What guy?
- This guy is like Darth Vader.

I'm going to have to kill him.
- Yeah.

Al, you're a little tense.
VINNY (ON PHONE): Kill who?

Why don't you take
the rest of the day

off, put an ice pack on
your head or something?

You know, take your
wife to a movie

and maybe kiss her for a change.

VINNY (ON PHONE): What are
you guys talking about?

Go on.
I'll take care of it.


God, I hate these
speaker phones.

I feel like I'm
in a garbage can.

See you tonight, Vinny.

[flushes toilet]
- You guys.

Guys, I'm not kidding.
Come on.

Are you th--

[dial tone]


I'm better now.




Simon says, come in.

Excuse me if I--

What do you mean disturbing
me in my place of income?

I was looking for Al.

He's gone fishing.

Don't push.

Don't lean.

Don't show your face here again.

Do I make myself clear?


[cocks gun]

Now go on before I act out
a little fantasy of mine.

Hello, Maria.

Can I, uh, speak
to your daughter?

She's not home, Al.

Come on.

We got cut off today.

I was at the store on the--

She doesn't want
to talk to, Al.

So please, why
don't you go home?

What do you want?

I'm busy.



Come on.

Come on what?


OK what?


I love when we can
talk like this, Al.


When are you coming home?

I don't know.

I don't want to talk to you.

You scared the kids.


Who got the black eye?

Who destroyed our home?

I got to go.

Look, I only got two kids.

I didn't adopt you, Al.

I married you.

Sorry about the punch.

AL: You got to be kidding!

I got to work for a living!


I can't take it, Carla!


If your father was alive.

AL: What did I do?




I hate sleeping alone!

There, I said it!


Knock it off down there!


Do you think I got
an expressive face?


You and Bingo the chimp.

Get out of here.



I'm home!

Oh, jeez.

Look what he's wearing.

Mr. Hollywood.

Douche bag.

See, I told you I'd come.

Didn't I tell you I'd come?

How you doing, Ray?

RAY: All right, Den.
How you doing?

DENNIS: All right.

[making strange noises]

I'm not looking at this guy.

VINNY: Samurai night fever.

Bruce fucking Lee, look at him.

ELIOT: You really shouldn't
stay away so long.

Look what it does to him.


[continues noises]



You're slipping.

Piece of cake.

I had you all the way.

Who popped you?

Sea bass.

Oh, yeah?

Fresh or frozen?

Fresh frozen.

God, I missed you guys.

Get off of me.

[phone ringing]



It's me.

Carla, I was just
thinking about you.

What are you doing?

Well, my mother made these
rice bags for the wedding,

but I heard that rice
kills birds digestively,

so I'm refilling
them with sesame.

Birds like sesame, right?

I left Al.



Can I come over?

Yeah, come over.


Those guys.

What are they thinking of?

There may not be a wedding?

What is he, nuts?

That's what he told us.

He's in one of his moods.

ELIOT: Suffering artist.

I hate it when he
gets like that.

He should hold onto her with
his teeth, the lucky bastard.

The gods were jealous the
day he moved in with her.

I mean, it's not--

ah, forget it.

What am I saying?

It's his life.

It's none of my business, right?






No, it's incredible.
I'm serious.

You guys got to come out there.
- Oh, yeah.

I mean, like, they'd
love that thing we got.


You know, that rude,
like, uncivilized New

York thing we got?

It works big time.

I swear to god.

Hey, you got room?

You got room there?
- Oh, yeah.

Because I'm thinking
of coming out.

No, definitely.
Hollywood Boulevard.

I got a room with a view.

Why don't we all
move out there?

Vinny can act, Ray
can paint, I can find

some other fucking job I hate.

- No way!
- Incoming!

No way!


(SINGING) There's a
certain man out there,

want to do the thing
he's supposed to do.

But baby won't do nothin'
'til I get rid of you.

And I'm tired of that.


VINNY: Hey, Al, this pool makes
me think of when we were kids.

AL: Oh, yeah?

Makes me think of Arnold,
the wild kiss of 23rd Avenue.

That kid was a lot
weirder than you, Den.

Who's Arnold?

We used to pay Arnold
a nickel to kiss stuff--

fences, fire hydrants.

In the winter, for a quarter,
he'd even kiss dog shit,

you know, if it was frozen.



So in fifth grade, Arnold
comes over to my house

and blames me for his life.

He's like, you suck.

He says to me, I'm weird because
you paid me to kiss stuff.

And just for that, I'm
going to land on your block.

And I'm like, hey,
Arnold, land on this, bud.

And then it dawns on me,
off the Hell Gate Bridge

and onto my block.

I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa,
Arnold, Arnold, take it easy,

come on.

It's just a phase.

It'll pass.

Did it?


Dennis adopts Arnold,
their lives have meaning.

DENNIS: It's true.

His lips did not touch
inanimate objects for months.

We get detention, right?

Bell rings, school's out.

Octavio Macharola's
in a bad mood.

He makes Arnold kiss
Tina Fabio's gym sneakers

in the yard in front
of the whole school.

Yeah, right.

So by the time we make
it back to my house,

there's fire engines and, like,
cops, ambulances and shit.

Arnold's mother's screaming
something in Greek.

They're putting
Arnold into a baggie.

And I'm like, hey,
very polite, nice aim.

Stupid motherfucker.

To Arnold, and
to Al, the only two

to climb the line on
the Hell Gate Bridge.

DENNIS: Arnold!

Hey, Arnold!

VINNY: Arnold!



[all yelling "arnold"]

VOICE) Hey, Ray.

It's me, Tony Bennett.

I hope to be singing
at your wedding.

You know, it was
almost 30 years ago,

I was at the Fairmont Hotel
where the bartender said,

Tony, sing that song about--
- Shit.

AL: --San Francisco.

It'll be a smash.

Needless to say, it turned out
to be my biggest recording,

which just goes
to show you should

listen to your local bartender.

He may turn out to
be your best friend.

Hey, Tony, sing "The Good Life."

Don't mind if I do.

(SINGING) Oh, the good life.

He's worse than usual.

No, about the same.

Here's Tony!


Help me!

Help me!

There's a dancer in my body!


[car horn honking]

Burn these.

Where are the bodies?

It's starting again.


Where'd you get these clothes?

What's starting?

My breathing.

I've been hyperventilating
all the time lately.

That ever happen to you?
- What, are you kidding?

I keep oxygen in the closet.

Where are these clothes from?

I'm choking on
backed-up anger.

That's poison.

Unreleased anger becomes cancer.


[breathing deeply]


Who the hell does
he think he is anyway?

That's good.

You're releasing toxins.

Keep it coming.

I'm standing there, wearing
my hair the way he likes it,

a dress that he picked out.

And he walks in three
friggin' hours late.

And he's singing, he's smiling.

He wants to dance.

You're pissed.

That's healthy.

Then it clicked.

I'm living his life, and
I don't even know it.

[continues crying]

[music playing]

You guys are pussies.

This is the way we
were born, naked.

I can't believe we got
to wear Dennis' clothes.

I can't wear this.

Then stay naked.

Hey, Den, you got any earth
tones, any grays, browns?

What are you
complaining about?

These clothes are awesome.

Hell, I'm staying like this.

This is great.

I'm having flashbacks from
when I was in the womb!

Hey, boys, stand up!


Where you going?


So are we!


Ooh, classy.

This ain't Queens Boulevard.

Pick me, please.

Pick me.

Come on.

This place is so cool, man.

I would, like, die to get
into this bitchin' club.

Please, come on, seriously.

He wasn't like
this when I left.

There's a monster in my pants,
and it makes me want to dance.

I think [inaudible].



We hate lines.

Right this way, gentlemen.


[woman scoffs]

What, do I have to pay now?

Adventures in Feverland.

Police, coming through.

Sheesh, just
want to [inaudible]

Bunch of foo-foo heads.

Five beers.

You know, De Niro
hangs out here.

- No shit.
- Yeah.

I could do some
serious soul-searching

in a place like this.

This music's
making my teeth hurt.

How's Carla?

Spending the weekend
with my mother-in-law.

You know, I don't
think she likes me.

Who, Carla?

She don't

Yeah, I knew that.

Patricia don't either.


See, I didn't know that.

Come on, Vinny.
Give me Vinny.

Let's go.

Where have we been?

When did these people grow up?

Where are their parents?

Why are they up so late?


(RAPPING) Thinkin' about the
nights when we used to be loud,

but we had to keep it down
for the people [inaudible]..

Then I thought that I was just
a typical guy, but I'm not.

So why'd you make me cry?

(SINGING) Callin' out your name.


Look at that.

Oh, woof.

Oh, man.

That is the key to
good acting, my friend.

What, being lesbians?

No, being private
in public like that.

That's great.

Yeah, well it's
making me horny.


Me too.

Look at this.

Look at this.

Look at those two.

One of these days, their
dicks are going to fall off.


Well, Vinny's only in
it for the romance,

and Dennis would just use
another part of his body.



Um, excuse me.

I didn't mean to interrupt,
but I was standing over there

and I couldn't help but notice
that you were holding her head.

And I was just wondering,
you know, like, what for?

She's very shy.

Uh, Inez is a healer.

A healer?

Of course.

That's what you were doing.

Oh, that's, uh--


I don't know what to say.

That's odd.

I've never actually
met one of you before,

nor can I say that I, in
fact, believe in it at all.


But-- but, hey.

What do I know, right?

I'm just a kid from Queens who's
making it big in Hollywood,

I might mention.

So what do you do?

I produce
documentaries for PBS.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, that's great.

That's great.

About what?

Vanishing species,
animal rights.

Oh, yeah, yes.

Save the whales, right?


Well, that's--
that's good stuff.


So, you like music?

I love music.

I play the clarinet.



Let's dance.


(SINGING) I know
what you're thinking.

It's time to get romantic--


--and meet somebody to
call your one and only.

[inaudible] than leave
you out in the cold.

Baby, you know--

Guy or girl?


Guy or girl?


Well, how am I supposed to
pee in a bisexual bathroom?

WOMAN: Maybe this will help.

It's tempting, but I
don't think so, lady.

Oh, a real person.

Where are you from?





Jeez, you are very sexy.

I know.

But you keep
snorting that shit,

you're going to end up making
some guy a terrific memory.

What is this, a vampire movie?

[music - ram jam, "party-2-go"]

(SINGING) Life is a party.

It's just a party.

Life is a party-2-go.

It's a party-2-go.

Oh, oh.

Oh, my god.

Are you-- are you all right?

Get help.


What happened to your friend?

Dennis has some
physical problems.

Physical problems?


He's a white man who
thinks he's James Brown.


What happened?

Oh, I think I
pulled something.

How'd I look?
- Great.

I think I'm in love.

What, you want to do the
belly rub with Psychic Susan?


Hey, whatever.


- Huh?
- Ooh.

Inez, huh?
Get phone numbers.

Invite them to our
bachelor party.

Maybe they'll strip for us.

RAY: Wait.
Did you say bachelor party?

- No.
- Yes, you did.

DENNIS: No, I didn't.

Yes, you did.


There's not going to be a
bachelor party, all right?

I don't want a bachelor party.

All right, all
right, all right.

Forget it.

Vinny, tell him it's a
welcome home party for me.

Come on, get up.
We're leaving.

Ray just had a brush with
sex, made me very hungry.

Get out of here.
What'd she look like?


Well, introduce me.

Come on.

We're going to Vinny's
Manhattan love nest.

Yeah, it's, like, all
night long tomorrow,

across the street
from the White Horse.

Take my card.

That's me.


If yous kiss, I'm
going to be hurt.

Want to come eat?

Um, well, no, but thank you.

AL: Suit yourself.


Maybe someday I'll
explain it to you.

What is it?

Patty, what's going on?

Let's just say, you're not
the only one who's choking.

I think Ray is
having, um, doubts.

They all do.

Forget it.

You remember Al?

We couldn't find
him for four days.

Looked all over
until, finally, he

comes down from the
bridge at the last minute,

right into my mother's backyard.

You remember that?

To get married.


I think that's when
she started hating him.



Yeah, you're right.

Sure I am.

Forget it.

You know women are supposed
to develop sooner than men.

They tell you that.

What they don't tell you is some
of them never develop at all.


[neighbor playing piano]


Ray, can you smell
me from over there?


We can always smell you, Al.

Fucking fish.

No wonder this kit
wants to blow me.

I can't live like this, the
toil and the smell of fish,

for this, the result of
the fruit of my labor.

Don't look too good on me.

Hey, shut up with
the piano music!


Why don't you shut up,
you fucking fishmonger?

The guy's a genius!

Don't start this again.

Why not?

Because I'm
happy the way I am.

No, you're not.


Why not?

Because you live
a sheltered life.

Oh, sheltered by what?

By me, by us, by
staying in that apartment

after the rest of us
moved out because living

in that apartment
with Ray and Patricia

keeps your life on hold, Eliot.

I mean, you had to sit us down
and tell us for Christ's sake,

you know, because--

because, I don't know, we
couldn't talk about it, knowing

all that time, you haven't
had one relationship,

not one affair with anyone.

What do you think?

It's time to take
a chance, right?

I mean, what have
you got to lose?

Uh, what is it you want me to
say, that I don't go out much?

You're right.

I don't.

That I haven't had
much experience?

You're right.
I haven't.

That makes you happy?

I am a homosexual who
cannot relate to gay men,

their role-playing,
their affectations,

and this makes it impossible
for me to break through and talk

to the man, not the homosexual.

Do you understand?

I refuse to give up anything
that makes me a man.

Why should I, to
make them feel safe?

To make them feel
I'm not a threat,

I don't have a
sense of who I am.

Forget it.

I'm going to be
stronger than that.

And besides, I haven't
met anybody yet.

What the hell happened?

I don't know.


I mean--

RAY: Come on.

What are you still
doing with the ring?

Me and Carla had a fight.

She took the kids and left
before I could give it to her.

She the sea bass, Al?


[music playing]

[engine starts]

AL: You seen Carla?

Yeah, I seen her.

So what's the damage?

You ever been in
a hurricane, Al?

Come on, cut the bullshit.

What do I got to do?

You could crawl through
glass on your hands and knees

with a sign on your back
that says "asshole."

That might get you in the door.

OK, fine.

If you want us,
we'll be at Vin's.

Well, you tell Ray
the meter is running.

No, no.

Don't tell Ray anything.

You tell me something, Al.

Why are you here talking to me?

Why aren't you talking to Carla?

Why aren't I talking to Ray?

I get so tired of you guys.

I can't even figure it out.


Where's Eliot?

VINNY: He's in the back.

What's this?


Ooh, shoes.

Well, it's you and
me against them, huh?

Yeah, that's fair.


It's Vinny and
Dennis against us.

The queen and the
jackass of hacks.

Hey I'm not going to hurt you.

Get back out here.

You're the piano player.

I heard you last night.

You're real good.

Thank you.

You got sneakers?

- Yes, I do.
- Great.

Go get them on and
meet us out front.

We need a sixth man.


[all yelling]

You're killing me, Marty.

With these guys,
no blood, no foul.

Here we are.

Oh, we'll never get a court.

Monte, open the glove
and hand me my .38.


Hand me my .38.

Come on.

How else are we going to get a
court on a Saturday afternoon?

Please, I-- I--

I don't-- let me go.

I'm kidding.

I'm going to lock
it in the trunk.

This guy's sensitive
like you, Vin.

VINNY: You wouldn't know
sensitive if it hit you.

Don't worry, Marty.

These guy's are cretins.

Come on, Al, you old man.

Who are you calling old?


(SINGING) You've got
the best of my love.

Oh, oh.

You've got the best of my love.

Oh, oh.

Hey, look who's here.

- Hey.
- I want to be a redhead.



What, you want me to do it?



What are you all lit up for?

It ain't Christmas.

I'll tell you what
I'm all lit up for.

'Cause love has to fall
somewhere short of suicide.

It took me years
to learn that.

Change your hair,
change your life.

That's why I'm here.

Last week-- last week, I'm
with this Columbia student,

18 years old.

We're lying there,
we just made love.

- Fucked.
- Yeah.

What happened?

Then she, uh--

she's talking away, you know.

She's smoking a cigarette,
and I'm lying there.

And I'm getting more and more,
what is it, self-conscious.


Wait a minute, wait a
minute, wait a minute.

You got no business being
in this conversation, Al.

You got a house, a
wife, and two kids.

You are not supposed
to be happy.


So I-- I look
at her, you know,

like maybe we'll connect, you
know, maybe I'll calm down,

but it don't work.

No, it just makes
me start sweating.

I just-- I mean, I am
dripping wet with anxiety

and she's not noticing nothing.

I mean, she just
keeps right on talking

like I'm not even there.

And her voice-- her voice starts
sounding like another language

or, like, under water.

I don't know, something about
being that young, you know?

I mean, and I'm thinking,
what am I doing here?

You know?

Like, I don't even
know this girl.

I mean, I'm lying there with
this very sexy, dyed-blond MTV

baby, and I'm feeling like--

well, like I'm disappearing.

Vin, Vin, Vin.

Look, just be honest.

What you want gets down on all
fours and barks at the moon.

Now, the sooner you
admit that, the better.


Just find yourself
a girl who'll

join you in some serious
howling at the moon,

and you'll stop
disappearing real quick.

I promise you.

All right.

Am I right, Marty?

I understand.



What am I doing?

Trying to live?

Yeah, I can tell.

My heart's beating a
million miles a minute.

Maybe thus much
living will kill me.


What do you do?


When Ray goes on binges.

I handle it.

Ray's got talent.

I got my own business.

We support each other.

We laugh a lot.

We're best friends.

And he's scared shitless.

After five years of
watching him struggle,

I still believe
in him, even when

he doesn't believe in himself.


He'll wake up.

He'll wake up, or I'll kill him.


DENNIS: So you're sure
about what you're doing?

RAY: No.

DENNIS: Well, you got to be
sure about what you're doing.

I mean, you got to be taking
responsibility for your actions

at a time like this.

What's that supposed to be?

Hey, Den, why
don't you sit down?

Because let's
face it, Patty is--

is the ultimate.

You know how I feel
about this, right?

No, I don't, Den.

Well, we got a history.

You and Patty?

Right, I know.

Well, yeah, yeah, that's true.

But no, no.

I meant all of us.

What are you saying, Den,
because now you're bugging me?

What I'm saying is that
we're there for you, right?

But who is there for Patty?


I mean, maybe it
would be a good idea

if one of us, I don't know,
you know, went over there and--

Oh, so you're saying that you
want to do something for Patty,


Well, you don't need
my permission, Den.

You know?

I mean, do it.

Take your best shot again.

Oh, look, Ray.
Come on, come on.

Don't get nasty.

All I'm saying--

Is what, Den, that
you really care?

I got it.

And all I'm saying is, if
you want to talk to her,

talk to her.


CARLA: Hi, guys.

Don't all jump up at once.

Your hair's red.

That's very good.

Now can you say
something nice to mommy?

Where's daddy?

[sounds of traffic]

AL: Dips, check.

Chips, check.

Dogs, check.

Buns, check.

Pat , why not?

Provolone, definitely.


- Go ahead.
- No way.

You take it.

You saw it first.

Hey, it's beluga.

I never buy imports.

I'm a domestic kind of guy.

Oh, no, no.
I insist.

No way.

It's just fish eggs anyway.

I'm sick of fish.


Have a nice party.

Hey, you want to come?

It's just around the corner.

No, but thanks for the offer.

AL: Uh, Gorgonzola, check.

[loud music from headphones]

Do you deliver?


Do you deliver?


(SHOUTING) Do you deliver?

CLERK: If the guy's
here then we deliver.

Well, is the guy here?

How should I know?

Look, hate your job,
but don't hate me.

I'm a great guy.
- Hey.

Are you starting
something with me?

Because if you're starting
something you can just--

- Look.
- Hey!


AL: Let's start over, shall we?

Good afternoon.

Good afternoon.

Do you deliver?


AL: Great.

Here's my address.

I'm going to take a few
munchies over there with me.

You send over the rest.


Now this should cover it.

And a little something
for you for being so nice,

box seats, the Mets, tonight.

[turns music back on]

Good afternoon.

A pack of Gauloises, please?


The French cigarettes
in the blue box.

[music playing]


Patricia's pissed.

She's thinking of canceling
this wedding, Ray.

Look, can I say something?


Something is happening
above and beyond what

is happening at this moment.

Well, that's heavy, Ray, but
what the fuck are you saying?

I'm saying that
there is an event

which may occur which will or
will not result in a wedding.

Ray, save it.


Will there or won't there
be an event which we can all

see with our fucking eyes
tomorrow afternoon, something

that looks like a wedding?

No, probably.


Definitely, no.


Then let's figure out a
way for you to tell her.



What do you want
from me, blood?

You want blood?

Are you in there?


You waste product!
- Aw.

You want a pay-off?

Here's a pay-off!

Here's some potato chips!

We'll have a picnic!

[music playing]

Oh, man.

- Den.


Smells good, actually.

Yeah, well, the
whites are for purity

and the reds are for passion.

I meant the cannolis.

Good to see you, Den.

Patty, it's good
to see you, you know?

It's just, I come
home for your wedding

and there's all this
craziness happening.

And I say to myself, you
know, it's like this--

I'm like-- I was going to drop
these off for my Aunt Gayle.

You want to, uh--


So, how's Hollywood?


Oh, forget about it.

It's great, couldn't be better.

Tons of studio work, you know?

Just a matter of time.

Before what?

Before what?

Well, you know, before,
uh, a record deal.


Could you imagine?

Oh, man.

It's good to be home.

I miss this place,
the old neighborhood.

Hasn't changed, huh?

So, it's good to see you.

Look, I can't stop dreaming
about you, all right?

I feel like a mutant for saying
so, but it's just that I--

I heard about all this shit that
was happening and, you know,

I got dizzy to say something,
thinking that this might

be the last time I'm able to.

And if I didn't, well, you
know, I might spend the rest

of my life regretting it.

And you know, life's too short.

Don't you think?

I don't know.

I-- I think you
better say something

here before I pass out and die.

How can a guy with such lousy
timing be any kind of musician?

Den, I'm a woman in crisis here.

Oh, my god.
I know.

I know.
- No.

No, Den.
- I know that.

I knew that.
- No, stop.

It's just that
I was, you know--

No, stop, no.

It's fine.

I'm-- I'm flattered.


I am.

But, um, the cards
are on the table,

as in I'm in the
middle of a hand here,

and I'm not budging
until it's over.

So, see you at the wedding?


All right.

[music playing]



(SINGING) I want to thank you
falettinme be mice elf agin.




How are you?

[guests chatting]


Welcome to the party,
This ain't no disco.

There'll be no wedding.

This ain't no fooling around.

Twins, happy to see you.

How are you?

It's for you.


If you're slow, you blow.

If you love, you lose.

And so it goes.

Come back kid?

Are you kidding?

If you wants to
swingle, you gots

to mingle 'cause this is it.

You live.

You make yourself a little soup.

You put a little class in there.

You make it just a
little bit special.

You sit down.

You eat it.

You watch a movie.

You pick up your trumpet.

You play for a while.
It goes.

It happens.

It's wonderful.

You know?

I love life.

Have you got any mousse?


There's plenty of
women around, you know?

PATRICIA: Carla, look who it is.

Hey, Monte, be our chaperone!

You know, just this
morning, I said to myself,

I said, self, it's time to
settle down and get married.

But how can I do that
when the only two

women I care about in the
world are taken by other men?


You know what my
self says to me?


Why don't you tell us, Monte?

Myself says to
me, don't worry,

because it's going to happen.

Ooh, that's romantic,
a story of unguided love.

You look fantastic, Carla.

Told you.

Thank you, Monte.

And you--

I don't know.

There's something
new and exciting

going on with your hair.

And you, Monte, are
yourself, only more so.



Congrats, Patty.

Glad to see you finally
nailed the bastard.


Personally, I never thought
he had it in him, but, uh--


Thanks, Monte.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.

Come on.

Yous two coming with me.

Well, where we going?

Come on.

We're going to party at Jack's.

- Jack's?
- Come on.

Yeah, sure.

We'd love to.

I mean, why not?


After you.

I got my own car, Monte.

Yeah, we're going
to go separate.

This is unbelievable.

This must be my lucky night.

Maybe I'll meet somebody
like yous two at the wedding.

I mean, I'm-- I'm due
for Christ's sakes.

I mean, am I due?

I'm due.

[party music]

JEREMY: So how do
you know these guys?

ELIOT: We all lived
together in the '70s.

JEREMY: This little place?

Uh, no.

It's in Queens, next to
the Hell Gate Bridge.

All five of you
in one apartment?

It's a two-bedroom.

So what?

Did you all grow up together?

Well, Ray and Al grew
up with Vinny and Dennis.

I grew up all by myself.

I'm sorry.

It's just-- these guys,
are they really your type?

Uh, that, I don't know, but
they're the best I could do.


Never have I seen such a
beam from one's eyes that has

streamed so clearly into mind.

Inez, I'm so glad
you could make it.

Are you?



We'll see about that.


Here we go.

(SINGING) To be real.

What you find-ah.

Hey, hey.

What are you doing?

I'm trying to get
the paint off my hands.

Forget it.

It's like trying to wash
off the stench of fish.

We're stained for life.

Tell me something.

If you were making
money painting,

would you marry Patricia?

You know what I'd paint?

I'd paint me and you
in classical settings.

Why not?

We're classy guys.

It means I don't belong here.

And if I don't belong here,
then what business have I

got getting married?

Where here?

Manhattan, Queens, Earth, where?

Here, right up here.

See, I always feel like I've
got to mix part of what I got up

here with something else
because the thing I got up here,

it isn't good enough,
who I am, where I'm from.

Like-- like, how am I ever
going paint frescos in Italy?

I'm marrying a
hairdresser from Queens.

Oh, Ray.

You're not a brave man.


Now, what is that
supposed to mean, huh?

Hurry up and get
a life like yours?


Why don't you try
paying attention

to your own life, huh?


You bet your ass I'm scared.

I got weird role models, Al.


You're brave, right?

You're brave.

But you know, who knows?

Maybe I'll eat something tonight
and I'll wake up with guts.

What you find-ah.

What you feel now.

What you know-ah.

Let me guess.

You're healing his broken heart.

Am I right?

So, uh--
[clears throat]

Can we dance now or what?
- No.

- No?
- Uh-uh.


Why not?

I need to know you better.

MAN: Shake it, baby, shake it.

To be real.

Real now.

To be real.

To be real.

To be real.

I've got to have it, baby.

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

I've got to have it, baby.

Ooh, ooh--

So are you here to mourn
the death of something,

or do you want to dance?


I've got to have it, baby.

I've got to have it, baby.

I've got to have it.


[eddie money, "baby hold on"]


(SINGING) Baby, hold onto me.

Whatever will be will be.

So it's the
hottest day on Earth,

and we're all packed
in my backyard

like sardines for this barbecue.

He's get this hibachi.

It's about this big, cooks
maybe three dogs and a bun.


Anyway, everybody's stoned.

And me and Dennis start jamming
when, all of a sudden, Al

shows up on the garage
roof holding a mic.

He looks like some--

some weird vision
of Tony Bennett.

He sings the whole
song to Carla,

and I never had a chance.

That's because you can't sing.


Here's to, uh, Hibachi Jack
and his backyard of fools.

[glasses clinking]

Whatever will be, will be.

The truth is ours to see.


MAN: Hey, Jack.

How about pouring
some for the men?

Don't you know the
future's looking brighter?

That was the day I
fell in love with Al.


Don't be thinking 'bout
what's not enough now, baby.

Just be thinking
'bout what we got.

Look at him.

He's so cute.


The guy buys a new
Monte Carlo every year

because his name is Monte.

I'm talking about Jack.


Could I have a little bit
of quiet in here, please?

Just a little bit of quiet?

(SHOUTING) Can I have a
little bit of quiet in here?



What's he doing?

Thank you.

I would like to take a moment
here to propose a toast.

You know, I've always
believed that, in life, you

lead with your jaw.

So if I get knocked
out, then throw me

in the booth over there and,
uh, pour liquor over me.





Tonight, we are blessed with
two of the best on the night

before one of their weddings.

Tomorrow there will be
no more fish in the sea

for poor old Monte McFadden.


Patricia and Ray, god bless,
good luck, down the hatch.


MAN IN BAR: Patricia
and Ray, hey!

Here, here.

MAN: Patricia and Ray.

Here, here.


Hey, Patty.

If you go off on your honeymoon,
who's going to do my hair?

Oh, I don't know, Rosa.

I'm trying to take
the global view here,

but things are
starting to get to me.

I mean, I don't think of
myself as a violent person,

but I'm losing perspective.

I mean, I'm
surrounded by idiots.

- Patty, hey.
- And I--


Give me a chance to
earn a living here.

All right?


Let's get started,
got a lot of work to do.

So what's it like for you?




How does it feel?

I don't know.

Where do you get
your images from?

(SINGING) Your dreams will
take you very far, yeah.



I see something.

It comes of blink.

It never goes away.

That's what I paint.

What'd you see on
a night so clear?

You have really
beautiful eyes.

You know?

You're a shining star
no matter who you are.

Thank you.

You see, the British
respect their actors.

We have this glorious
tradition that has gone on,

passed down through
generation and generation.

Dennis, this is Cecil.

How you doing?


Cecil, huh?


You know, you look
very familiar to me.

How very interesting.

You'll excuse me, won't you?


I know I know that guy.

You like him?


Oh, yeah?

See, I don't like him.

I think he's got
a sense of style.


He's got a sense of style?

Yeah, bullshit's more like it.

This guy has got a
major sense of bullshit.

Trust me on this.

Why do I get the feeling
that you know a lot about this?

Yeah, I know a lot about this.

It's been in my
blood my whole life.

I was weaned on bullshit.


Frosty paralyzer?

O wad some pow'r the
giftie gie us to see

oursels as ithers see us.


Go ahead.

Applaud, yuppies.

You don't even know
what I'm talking about.



WOMAN: You ruined my jacket.

AL: Get out of here.

You can't ruin that jacket.

Ooh, France.

That's way out of town.

Never been there myself.


It's you.

You got stress, huh?

Who wouldn't?

This music would make
Will Rogers punch a nun.

I've been watching you.

You're a very volatile person.




If you come out of the
kitchen, maybe we can

do something about the music.

What's this?

Benny Goodman?

Pleased to meet you.



Eliot, we have a request.



[people cheering]

This is an interesting
group of friends for a guy

who runs a fish store.
- Who, me?


I always wanted to be in
show business, but I'm in fish.

But my friends tell me,
Al, you're not a fish man.

You're a lounge act.


You're funny.

It's true.
How about you?


I'm just rich.

No way.

Me too.

[couple talking]

Ah, gentrification.

Someday I expect to see
bodies piled up in those bins.

Real estate's just-- it's
just like imperialism--

the American Indian, the
Upper West Side Puerto Rican.


It's true.

Is that why you
stay in Brooklyn?

Kind of keep clear of--


I stay in Queens.

Oh, right.


It's just that your
friends are like those guys

in movies that are always--
(IN ACCENT) --from Brooklyn,

you know?

The Bronx.


Why do you keep
running away from me?

There's nothing to be afraid of.

I know that.

I'm not running away from you.

I don't like you.

I know what you're thinking.

Here's this poor, repressed
faggot from the boroughs

who needs to get laid.

And you know what?

You're right.

But you know what else?

I don't like you.

I don't like what you say.

I don't like the way you
talk about my friends.

I'm simply incapable of
tolerating your bullshit.

Now, if you follow me
back into that party,

I'm going to tear off your arm
and beat you down the fucking

street with it.

Goodbye and goodnight.

Just wait.

Just check your instincts.


You were a brunette.

What, you sense that?


No, Patty told me.

She does my hair too.

Come on, sit down.

Come on.

I won't bite you.

Split the cards.

No, left hand.


Let's see what we got here.

Mm, hm.

Your problem's communicating.

What, Patty told you that too?

No, that did.

Is it true?

Not that I know of.

communication problems.

Ah, you're divorced.


Yes, divorced.

You were.

What, do you got
hearing problems?

I said no.

Well, maybe a long time ago.

Hey, look.

I think I'd know.


- No.
- Yes.


Hey, look, you.

I'm not divorced.

I've never been divorced because
I'm still happily married.


You got that?


So, no on divorced, but, uh,
yes on communication problems.


(SINGING) Didn't I do it, baby?

Gave you a love you
never knew, girl.


Didn't I do it, baby?

Didn't I do it, baby?

I've cried so many
times and that's no lie.

It seems to make you
laugh each time I cry.

[woman screams]

What are you doing
follow me around?

- Wh-- what--
- No, that's incredible!

Don't fuck with me!

I hate that!
- But--

- But what?
- I wasn't--

What, you weren't what?

I wasn't--

No, forget it!

Just tell me, what the hell were
you doing following me around?

They-- they said you needed
someone to videotape a wedding.

They said.

Who said?

Uncle Joey.

Who are you?

I'm a film student at NYU.

I'm Joey Clams' nephew.

Don't you know it, baby?


You're nice.


You're a nice kid.

You're going to do good.

Didn't I blow your
mind this time?

Didn't I?

Come on.

Didn't I blow you
mind this time?


WOMAN: It's not funny.

[continues laughing]

[engine starts]

It's a nice party.

Nice tux.

Maybe I'm overdressed.


What's the occasion?


I play piano at The Algonquin.


The [inaudible]?

I saw, uh, Andrea
Marcovicci there.

I liked it.

Funny way to say hello.

Gun to the head followed by a
warm greeting, real friendly.

Who was that guy?

Just a kid from
the neighborhood.

Hey, you OK?

Yeah, I think.



You see, all that
stuff I've been

feeling, the breathing, the
hyperventilation, the choking,

it's fine.

It is.

You can feel anything
you want just

so long as you talk about it.



No sucker punches?

No more punches.

I'm just going to sit him down
and I'm going to tell him.

That's what I'm going to do.

Don't you think they're
going to miss me at that party?


Ooh, nitty-gritty talk.

I like that about you.

I really do.

So, uh, where we going?

A nice, quiet place.

We can get to know
each other better.

CARLA: You think
they're dealing with it?



When these guys get hurt,
you know what they do?

They sit around and they
lick each other's wounds.

They're like wounded animals.


That's what they call this,
uh-- this, uh, male bonding.

It's a wounded
animals convention.

I'm telling you.




It looks like your
friend Inez is putting

a spell on my friend Vinny.

Inez is a big girl.

This song kills me, you know.

It reminds me of the time--

Please don't.

Don't what?

Don't start telling me
another story about your past.

Guys do this all the time.

They take some trivial,
silly little incident

out of their past and turn
it into fucking mythology.

Just give me a break, OK?

(SINGING) Television man
is crazy, saying we're

juvenile delinquent wrecks.

English cannot do Mamet.

English do Pinter.

Mamet is for Americans.
Even that's--

Have you met David?

No, I have not met David.
Have you met him?


- Excuse me.
- All right, sure.

Come here, you.
No, no, no, no!

Wait, wait, wait!

Where are you from?

What business
is that of yours?

You're from Floshee.

Your name is Nort, Cecil Nort.

Your brother played sax and
I used to do your babysitter.

But what I want to know
is, where did you learn

to cop this foo-foo attitude?

a lot of time and money

in London learning
it, all right?


Because people who
talk like you get bupkis.



(WITH ACCENT) --may I go?

--dresses like a queen.

But he can kick like a mule.

It's a real mean team--


--but we can love.

Oh, yes, we can love.

Welcome back.

When you say things,
do you mean them?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, sure.

Abso-- well, yeah, I guess.

What do you mean exactly?

See, I spent the
whole night with you,

and I still don't know
if I can trust you.

Trust me?

What are you talking about?

You had your eyes
closed the whole time.

Did you see me try anything?

Excuse me.

Excuse you?

I need to be alone.


Hey, hey, hey.

Come on, wait a minute.


I got to ask you a question.


Are we losing our
touch, or what?

You kidding?

No way.

Sorry, Vin, but these
people are so full of shit!

And those chicks, you know,
we're lucky we got rid of them.

I don't know, Den.
I don't know.

No, no, no.
Listen to me.

Are you kidding?
Were they howlers?


Would they go to
bark at the moon?

No, they would not.

So just forget
about it, all right?

Stop sulking.

I have a lovely little
flat just around the corner.


You know, Den,
maybe you're right.

Maybe you're-- Den?

These are incredible.

Oh, yeah?

ASHA: These are great.

Your work screams passion.

You're like Caravaggio on crack.


Really nice.


I've had the life studied
out of me at that school.

I went flat, like, soda flat.

You know?

You understand?


You need some, uh, bubbles.

I need some bubbles.

I'm such a fucking liar.

I'm not-- I'm not successful.

I, uh-- I've been out
there three years,

but I ain't do
nothing but homesick.

You know how I--

I told you I live on
Hollywood Boulevard?

It's skid row, man.

It's like-- it's a dump.

It's not glamorous.

I mean, it's like--

I'm a mess.

I sit out there and I--

I think about things.

And I wonder, like,
what the fuck I'm doing.

And you know, I mean--

how come nothing's changed?

Things got to change.

Then just stay here, damn it.

You know, you're always
in such a rush to get out.

I mean, you know,
just stop running away

and deal with it for
once in your life.


(SINGING) Tell me something.


I'll be right back, all right?

I got only one
thing to say to you.



[both howling]

That is so beautiful.

going in there.

Chicken shit.

going in there.

It's a bachelor party.


You're going in.

it's a bad idea.

[howling from roof]

What did I tell you?

Wounded animals.


Stop it.

And in all those years,
did I ever once bother

to ask you about your life?


Did I ever ask you
if you were happy?


It was always me, me, me.


(SINGING) Little darling--


--stir it up.

Excuse me.

Oh, yeah.



You're a redhead.

Yeah, I'm a redhead.

Can you work with that, Eliot?


CARLA: What are you
doing down there, Den?


Oh, Carla.

I'm-- I'm so proud of you.

I mean, you've given birth
to three wonderful children.


Two wonderful children.

And children, they're just--

it's a miracle.

Thank you.

Thank you.

You're welcome, Den.

You OK?

Oh, yeah, yeah.



Who is howling?

[howling continues]


Is Ray here?




--satisfy your heart's desire.

I will stir it
every, every minute.

Oh, yeah.

So, where's Al?


Didn't he, uh--

Um, oh.

Marty, this is Al's wife Carla.


You're Al's wife.


Little darling--

Now that we all know
who I am, where is he?

You know, it's like I talk.


Come on, Eliot.

I saw his car outside.

Did you?


I'll push the wood,
light your fire.

I'll satisfy your
heart's desire.

I'll stir it every,
every minute.

All you go to do is keep it in.

Stir it up.

In or out?

It's getting a little
chilly in here.

Stir it up.

My mistake.

Little darling--



Little darling, stir it up.

[music playing]


How's the weather up there?

That good, huh?

I'll be right up.

(SINGING) I'm the one
who's ready to fall.

So then he says the
women aren't happy.

So he says that,
after all the years

of, like, self-help
and feminism,

that nobody can talk to anyone.

(SINGING) You can
call out my name.


Uh, about today, you know, I
don't know what I was thinking.

Den, Den.

Look, do you remember what
it was like for you and me?

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

It was terrible.


No, it's true.


I sucked a big one.



But then I thought Ray
and I had a good thing, huh,

so what would I know?

Oh, wait, wait.

You know, this is
a bachelor night,

and you're not even
supposed to be here.

In a weird way, he's
supposed to be in there.

So what's right, right?

- Den.
- No.

- No.
- Wait.

- Den, it's not--

Let me tell you,
let me tell you.

You are right for him.

And he is right
for no one but you.

RAY: Oh, this is great,
looks like Greek tragedy.

Ray, Ray, Ray.
Listen, listen.

Everything's fine.

Everything's going
to be all right.

What do you want, Den?

It's not like that, Ray.

Do you want my life?

It's not like that.

Then get out of here, Den.


All right, all right.

I'm going.

Look, nothing happened
in there, all right?

- That doesn't matter.
- No.

Nothing happened in
there, I swear to you.


Look, I'm not supposed
to be here anyway.

You're a good guy, Ray, and
you deserve to be happy,

and you're not happy with me.

I love you, but I'm not
going to get in your way.

I'll just pack up my stuff
and move out tomorrow.


Well, that was hopeful.

And what a good
delivery, really.


Look-- I'm afraid
that, if I marry you,

I will never finish what
I started, all right?

I won't make it.

That's bullshit.

You will make it
because you're good.

And what makes you good is who
you are and where you're from.

And no matter where
you go or what you do,

you'll always be from Queens.

Queens is home, Ray, and
that's why you're freaking

out, because I am Queens.


You were about to marry Queens.

And when you're full of
shit, people from Queens

tell you you're full of shit.

As long as you got
me, you'll always be

home, no matter where you are.

Cross the bridge and
I cross the bridge.

Live in Paris or LA or Africa.

You got me, you're home.


Well, that's it and there it is.

Got it?


(SINGING) So if you need me,
all you've got to do is call me.

Was she pretty?





So what's my story,
am I going to live?

Oh, my god.

I just got this image in my
head of you as a little boy.

How was I?

No different, right?


What are you going to do?

I don't age.

So this is where
rich people hang out.

Yeah, nice, eccentric place.

A little spooky, but nice.

So what's your story, Gracie?


I grew up with a
John Wayne complex.

A what?

Uncontrollable need to save
every troubled person I meet.

Well, thank you very much.

I have this dream.

I'm in an office
building full of people

who have been taken hostage.

I'm hiding in the bathroom.

Security guard is
lying dead in the hall.

I quietly sneak out and slide
his gun from its holster.

I crawl to the main room.

Two gunmen are
torturing an old woman.

I wait until they're
standing side by side,

and then I jump out into the
doorway and I scream, freeze!

Or I'll blow you away.

I said freeze!



What the fuck are you doing?

So this is what all
the fuss is about.

Guns, incredible.

- Hey!

Come on, Grace!

What's the matter with you?

Don't shoot me!

Don't shoot me!

Don't shoot me!

GRACE: Stand up, slowly.

Turn around.

Unbutton your shirt.


Take that fish thing off
your neck, and give it to me.

Thank you.

I hate this.

I hate this too.

You know something?

I really like you.

And with people,
I usually don't.

I mean, I don't usually
really like anyone.

But you, I do.

And you know what?

I usually never do
anything about it.

You don't really have to.

No, I do.

You see, this complex,
it's very strong.

This is something I have to do.

Close your eyes.


This won't hurt, I promise.

[gun clicks]


When you dance, you got
to let the other person

lead once in a while.

You've got to make some changes.

You have to take a
big, deep breath,

and get all that
bad energy together.

And find a wide, open
space, and just dump it.

I mean, a big, wide, open
space, and just get rid of it.

Just throw it away.

Just get it all together
and just throw it away.

[music playing]

So this is home?

No, but it's the stop I got
to make before I get home.

It's, um, kind of a tradition.

It's the only open
spaces I know.

Who'd have thought I'd learn
so much from a rich chick?


See you never, Gracie.

[piano playing]


There you go.

Hey, Marty!


Hey, Dennis.

Hey, don't touch that cat there.


Hey, Marty.

Marty, play something sad.

Play that song.

You know, that, uh,
"Ordinary People" song.

Coming right up.

In D?

Yeah, sure.

[playing piano]

Nice party, huh?

Yeah, nice party.

[accompanies piano with trumpet]



instead of an actor,
which is what I am.

But I'm not home right now,
so just leave you a message.


AL (ON PHONE): Hey, you guys.

You should see the bridge.

It's-- it's beautiful.

Hey, I'm going to
throw it all away.


Yeah, that's right.

I just had a
revelation, a vision.

I met this girl.

No, I mean this woman.

Eh, it's a long story.

Hey, you guys.

You talk the talk, but
do you climb the line?

Eh, look.

I got to go.

I just want to say,
I love you guys.


[dial tone]

Hey, come on.

Al's going to climb the rope.

Come on!


[music playing]

(SINGING) I've got
the world on a string,

sittin' on a rainbow.

Got the string around my finger.

[music playing]

[grunting and breathing heavily]



[music playing]

Why didn't you
pick up the phone?

Well, I was
thinking, all right?

I've got a lot on my--
- No, no, no, no.

No, no, no.
- Yes, I was.

You weren't thinking
because, if you were thinking--

All right, all right.

Settle down.

--we'd be watching porn flicks
or strippers or, you know,

something normal.

You know, he was worse
than usual the whole weekend.

He paid for music school.

Twice he saved my ass last year.

Did you guys know that?
- Yeah.



[music playing]

No way.

There's no way.

[music playing]


Hiya, little bunny.

Pop's back.

I'm so sorry.

Hey, Al.

Al, you OK?

What are you
doing up so early?


I, uh-- I was looking for you.

And then, basically, I was
going to beg for forgiveness.


Me too.

And hopefully get
married sometime today.

Before I forget, I found this.

[music playing]


What's that?

A ring.

Happy anniversary.

Hey, Ray.

Can we switch places?


[music playing]

Patricia, I don't
know why I've been so

selfish and stupid, but I have.

Tell me I'm not
too late, please.

Marry me?

We'll talk about it.

Coming in or what?

Hey, you guys.

Maybe that'll pay
for your honeymoon.



I love you.



It's like being
at a drive-in movie.

Do you know of any available
apartments in the city?


But it's Sunday, we can
pick up the "Times."


I'd like that.



Ooh, a redhead.


MARIA: What's he
doing in this house?

Are you crazy?

Are you out of your mind?



(SINGING) I must have been
through about a million girls.

I'd love 'em, then
I'd leave 'em alone.

I didn't care how
much they cried.

No, sir.

Their tears let me
cold as a stone.

But then I fooled
around and fell in love.

I fooled around
and fell in love.

I fooled around
and fell in love.

I fooled around
and fell in love.

Used to be, when I'd see
a girl that I'd like,

I'd get out my book and
write down her name.

But when the grass got a little
greener on the other side,

I'd just tear out that page.

But then I fooled
around and fell in love.

I fooled around
and fell in love.

Since I met you, baby, I
fooled around and fell in love.

I fooled around
and fell in love.


Free, on my own.

That's the way I used to be.

Ah, but since I met you,
baby, love's got a hold on me.

Ooh, it's got a hold on me.

I can't let go of you, baby.

I fooled around
and fell in love.

Can't stop loving you.


Yes, I fooled around, fooled
around, fooled around,

fooled around, yeah, fooled
around, fooled around,

fooled around.

Yes, I did.

I fooled around
and fell in love.

I can't stop loving you, baby.

Baby got a hold on,
got a hold onto me.

Oh, yeah.