Quaker Oaths (2016) - full transcript
To make their divorce final, a Quaker couple must follow tradition by seeking out everyone who came to their wedding...and asking them to cross their names off the marriage certificate.
(slow music)
(Emily hiccups)
(door knocks)
- [Emily] Hey.
- Hey, oh, you look so beautiful.
- Oh, thanks, Michelle.
- Uh, so your mom wants
me to wear my hair down.
- Really? (hiccups)
- Oh, no.
- I'm sorry.
- No, do you have the hiccups?
- No, it's not really
the hiccups, it's just--
- Okay, I know exactly what
to do, I'll be right back.
(Emily hiccups)
(door knocks)
- This works every time,
three sugar packets,
all at the same time, though.
- I don't know, can you get Joe, please?
- No, no, no, seriously,
try this, here, here, here.
- Okay, so you just put this at the back
of your mouth, and then you
drink water upside down,
it works every time.
- Guys, thanks, but
it's not really hiccups.
- You're gonna get water all
over your dress that way.
- No, I'll show you.
(Emily hiccups)
- Did the sugar not help?
- Can you get Joe, please?
- Absolutely.
- Okay, back of the mouth, alright?
- What are you doing?
- [Michelle] And then you just--
(Emily hiccups)
- Guys, it's not really hiccups,
this always happens when
I get nervous, okay?
Can you please get Joe? (hiccups)
- Yeah, I'll go get him.
- Are you sure you want him to
see you before the ceremony?
- Yeah, he can help, believe me.
- [Michelle] Okay.
- I can't get married like this.
- [Michelle] You're terrible.
- Hey, what's up?
(Emily hiccups)
All right, I'm not gonna
take that personally.
Hey, Michelle.
- [Michelle] Hey.
- Hey, you're okay.
- I'm sorry.
- You're all right, here, sit, sit down.
(Emily hiccups)
Sit down, you're all right,
okay, remember what to do,
raise your hands up in
the air, now look up,
take a deep breath, you've got it.
There you go, you're okay.
See, there's nothing to worry about,
just a little backyard
Quaker wedding is all.
- Yeah, but you've never
been to a Quaker wedding,
everyone we know is gonna be staring at us
for half an hour in complete silence.
- That doesn't sound so bad, kind of does,
but we'll be okay.
- Yeah.
(slow music)
- [Rose] Congratulations.
- [Emily] Thank you.
- [Man] Congratulations.
- [Emily] Thank you, thank you so much.
Thank you so much.
- Signed and sealed.
- Thank you.
- Thank you so much.
- Thank you so much.
(slow music)
Good job, there you go, yay!
- Good job.
- Good job, sweetie!
(slow music)
- [Joe] And then after that?
- [Kid] Negative three.
- [Joe] Yes, negative three,
so what if we did negative
two plus negative three?
Basically we want to add the two numbers,
but make them a bigger negative,
what do you think, Jude?
- Five.
- Negative five, or positive five?
- Negative five.
- That's right, good job, Jude.
Do we all understand that?
(kids cheer)
Evan, Evan, do you understand that?
Okay, what's wrong, Evan?
- This is the dumbest thing ever.
- I don't know about that,
maybe if you came up and give it a try.
(door knocks)
Hey.
- Hey, Ms. Hines needs to see you.
- [Joe] Oh.
- Just a minute.
Joe,
the complaint is very disturbing.
- Oh, okay, well, I'm sure it's just
a little misunderstanding
or something, so.
- The victim says that
you picked your nose
in front of the whole class.
- Okay, I totally know what's going on,
so there's this kid, his name is Evan,
and he, for some reason,
he doesn't like me,
and so I'm sure he just kind
of made this up so that--
- Okay, we have to take these
complaints very seriously,
Joe, he says that you
picked your nose in front
of the whole class, and then
put your boogers in your butt.
- That's not really something people do,
why would anyone put a booger in--
- I think you're missing the point here,
every complaint--
- I agree.
- [Ms. Hines] Needs to be taken seriously.
- Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
- When there's a body part mentioned,
we have to look into it.
I'm sorry, it's just school policy,
until we have time to
look into this further,
we are gonna have to suspend you.
(slow piano music)
- Stop it.
- Nailed it.
- Are you gonna finish that, or not?
- Hell, no.
(bike clatters)
- [Man] Whoa!
- [Woman] Oh, man, are you okay?
- No, I got it.
- [Man] Got away from you there, huh?
No, we can get this, that's all right.
- [Woman] You all right?
- [Joe] No, no, no, please,
no, you don't have to do all the dirt.
- [Man] Not a problem.
- It's okay, yeah, just.
- [Man] Let's get all this in here.
(background noise drowns out speakers)
Ooh, kind of a mess.
- Yeah, it's a mess, thanks, thanks.
(overlapping chatter)
- [Woman] And you know,
you should probably be wearing a helmet.
- What?
(slow music)
- Joe?
Joe!
Hey.
- Hi.
- So how are you?
- I'm good.
- You know, I actually tried to call you
to tell you I'm in town, but my mom said
that you still don't have a cellphone.
- Yeah.
- [Emily] Yeah?
- [Joe] Going strong.
- Wow, impressive.
- How are, how are you, are you good,
is med school's good, or?
- Oh, this is my boyfriend, Mikey.
- A pleasure.
- So Mikey's in town for
a football tournament.
- [Joe] Oh, wow.
- And I thought I'd drive down with him,
and, you know, show him around.
- Wow, foot, like pro--
- Unicycle football, actually.
- Yeah.
- [Joe] Oh, I don't--
- You follow it any?
- No, I don't know what that is.
- The sport is really blowing up all
over the country right now,
yeah, I've been doing a lot
of organizing for the
tournament that's coming up.
- Oh, there's a--
- It's gonna be really big,
you should check it out.
Yeah, man, I got some fliers right here.
- [Joe] No, that's okay, I--
- Yeah, take one, take one.
- Come on, take 'em.
- I'll look it up online or something--
- [Mikey] Here, take a couple.
- [Joe] Okay.
- Pass 'em out.
- [Joe] Sure.
- It's free beer.
- So you're good, things are?
- Yes, very good, yeah.
- We're getting married.
- Wow.
- You should come, man, the tournament.
- [Emily] Yeah, it--
- [Mikey] It starts in 40 minutes.
- It's gonna be fun.
(upbeat rock music)
(crowd cheers)
(overlapping chatter)
(Emily cheers)
- So it's just football on unicycles.
- Isn't it great, I mean, it's amazing
what Mikey's done over the last few years,
he's built the entire league from scratch.
(whistle blows)
- [Announcer] Touchdown by Mikey.
(whistle blows)
(overlapping chatter)
- Look, so in case you were wondering,
it's not a total
coincidence that I'm here.
I mean, I've been meaning to come down
and talk to you for awhile, I mean,
have you thought at all
about us, about how,
you know, we're gonna
need to get divorced.
- Yeah, yeah.
- You think we could take
care of that while I'm here?
I mean, it should be
pretty straightforward.
- Of course, sure.
- Okay.
- You know what the hard
part's gonna be, right?
- Yeah, I know.
- [Rose] No, no, no, no, no.
- Look what you've done to your mother.
- Mom, I'm sorry, but come on,
we've been separated for five years,
you knew we'd get divorced eventually.
- Yeah, and we both feel
really good about it,
really, it's a relief is what it is.
- We always thought you
two would talk it out.
- They don't talk about anything,
that's their whole problem.
- Yeah, communication was an issue, yes.
- Not our strong suit.
- But ultimately, we just
weren't right for each other.
- You never really gave it a chance.
- Well, when Emily left
for medical school,
it was just a natural
end to the relationship,
it was very amicable.
- Right.
- Yeah, Emily wanted a perfect life,
I didn't fit that, so
we decided to end it.
- No, that's not fair,
all I wanted was for you
to talk about things when
they bothered you instead
of shutting down, I mean,
that's not trying to be perfect,
that's trying to be functional.
- We just fell out of love.
- Hey, you know what,
you're gonna love Mikey,
everybody loves him, he's great.
- No, I don't want to
hear about this right now.
- But you have to meet
him, we're getting married.
- You're already married.
- Well, that's why we
need to get divorced.
- [Rose] Let me show you something.
- No, please.
- Not again, Mom.
- Let's take just a minute
to look at your marriage certificate.
- I don't think we need to do that.
- All of us on here, we all
believe in your marriage,
that's why we signed it.
- And that's a contract
that we take seriously in this house.
- Now, Emily, I know you've lost faith
in your Quaker traditions, but--
- Mom, you're the one who
talked us into a Quaker wedding.
- Yeah, I'm not even a Quaker.
- Well, you may not be a Quaker, Joe,
but you respect the
accountability of a signature.
- Okay, I'm, I'm sorry,
but you can't stop us
from getting legally divorced.
- How can I ever accept a new husband
while these signatures
are on the certificate?
- Well, then, what, are you
gonna be mad at us forever?
Geez, okay, what can we do?
- There's nothing you can do.
- I'll tell you what you can do.
- Great, let us know, we aim to please.
- The two of you can go to everyone here
and explain yourselves together,
and if every person
crosses out their name,
then we'll do the same,
and you can get divorced.
- Mom, that's ridiculous,
we're not gonna drive all
over the country asking
permission to get divorced.
- I'll tell you what, I will give you
my gas card.
- All right, this has been great,
good to catch up with everyone,
but I'm gonna go, this isn't
really my problem anymore, so.
- This is your problem, Joe.
- Not really, no, so,
see you tomorrow, we'll
go to the county clerk.
- Right, yeah.
- Okay.
- [Rose] You're in this,
too, Joe, and you know it.
- Goodnight.
(slow music)
(crickets chirp)
(slow music)
- I thought you were gonna ask him
to move out of the back house.
- He's a great tenant.
- Don't you see, you're
making this harder.
- We just assumed that
eventually you'd come back,
and you two would want to
keep your old apartment.
- You guys, you never listen to me,
I'm not gonna move back in with Joe,
and I'm not gonna do
the certificate thing.
- I think it's a great compromise.
- I gotta go.
- But he's the only one
that can reset the wifi.
- [Mikey] You ready for me in there?
- Not a good time, baby, I'm
sorry, they're all worked up.
- That's okay, there's no rush, I mean,
it's gonna be hard, these
things are hard for parents.
- No, they're overreacting, they want me
and Joe to go around explaining
to every wedding guest why we split up.
- The whole Quaker divorce
thing, cool, you gonna do it?
- No, of course not.
- Why not?
- I mean, I don't want to do it,
and there's no way Joe
would agree to that.
He's just, he's over this whole thing.
- Well, he's crazy, then,
I can't wait to marry you.
- [Emily] Aw.
- Well, I can wait long
enough to win this tournament.
- Right.
- And then marry you.
- Right, of course.
- Well, I was on hold, and then they,
they told me to talk to you, so I'm.
(door knocks)
Well, no, I was on hold with someone,
and they told me to,
hey, just two seconds,
yeah, thanks, okay.
Yeah, but I mean, if you knew,
like what the complaint was,
it's not even, like a real
complaint, it's just like a,
it's like a complaint a
five-year-old would make, you know?
Right, right, sorry, just,
yeah, two seconds, okay, okay.
No, no, that was, that's
the first number I called,
so I can't go, I can't
go back there, because.
Yeah, but there's no department
for nose picking, so,
and I know they would think
it's a real complaint.
Yeah, I know that, but.
(slow music)
You know what, I'll
call that other number,
thanks, yeah, god.
Hey, sorry, if that's messy in there.
- Oh, it's fine.
- [Joe] We should go.
- [Emily] Yeah.
- Right, okay, I got all
the papers filled out, so.
- [Emily] Okay.
- We just gotta bring 'em.
- Let's do it.
- [Joe] Let's do it, yeah.
- Hey, Joe?
- What's up, we should probably--
- Yeah, um, do you think we
should just go ahead and do it?
- Do what?
- It might be good for us.
- You mean the signatures?
- Yeah, I mean, for one thing,
if we don't do what my mom says,
this is gonna keep coming up, right?
- I know, but I mean, it
would be, like a lot of time,
and it would take us
awhile to do all that.
- Well, my mom said
that you're not working?
- Temporarily.
- Right.
- [Joe] But that's a--
- So even if it takes a few
weeks, it'll be fine, right?
- Yeah, but you have med
school, like you can't just.
- No, I dropped out.
- What?
- [Emily] Yeah.
- [Joe] You did?
- Yeah, last year.
- Your mom never told me that.
- Well, see, we have
so much to talk about.
- What, so you just want to,
you want to catch up with me?
- Yes.
- And you want to go
on a road trip with me?
- Yeah, that's what I've been saying.
- 'Cause that's, like a big privilege.
- [Emily] Yeah.
- You know that, right,
like a lot of people want to do that.
- Sure, okay, well, can I
be one of them, are you?
- Yes, yeah, actually,
there's no one else right now,
so it'll just be us two.
- Okay, so you want to do this?
- [Joe] Yes.
- Yeah, you're in?
- Yeah, let's do it.
- [Emily] Let's do it.
- All right, screw these.
- All right.
- [Joe] I'll go get that.
- Okay, yeah.
- [Joe] Sorry.
- Forget it.
- [Joe] I thought it'd be
cooler, but it felt weird.
- Yeah.
- So will you be home on Sunday?
Yes, Emily and Joe wanted to
come visit a little while.
Well, I'll tell them so
they'll recognize the house
when they get there.
- All right, guys, this
Saturday, it's gonna be all
about quick, just short, simple plays,
get that ball out of your hand.
(group cheers)
Hell, yeah, do that on Saturday,
we're gonna win this one.
- And you still live on Sandysat Drive?
Oh, I remember that house.
- [Man] All right, it's time to go.
- [Emily] I'm gonna miss you.
- [Mikey] I'll miss you, too.
♪ No time to drive ♪
♪ Nothing but what we can share ♪
♪ Didn't mean to hurt no one ♪
- [Man In Blue Ball
Cap] Hey, come on, man.
- I gotta go.
- Okay, all right.
- [Mikey] You guys wait up.
- Yes, I'll tell them
to bring their suits.
Now, Joe, be careful with this,
you need to treat it like
it's a sacred document.
- [Joe] Okay.
- Don't tear it, don't get it wrinkled,
don't spill water on it.
- Just--
- [Rose] Just be careful, please?
- You're gonna, you're gonna
keep it afterwards, or?
- I'm ready.
- And here's the address book,
it has everything you need,
except I couldn't find
your friend, Michelle.
- Yeah, I haven't talked to her in years,
I don't know, but thanks.
- Be polite to everyone, and say hi
to your family for me, Joe.
- I will.
- [Rose] I love you, honey.
- I love you, too.
- Okay.
- Talk to him.
- [Emily] Ready?
- Let's do it.
- Bye!
- Did I give you that shirt?
- What, no, no, I bought this.
(slow music)
- Okay, so you met Tommy
and Milly at the wedding.
- [Joe] Mm-hmm.
- My mom's got an uncle.
- [Joe] Yes.
- [Emily] Yeah, they're very sweet,
so it should be an easy one to start with.
- All right, cool.
- [Emily] You ready?
- Yeah.
- That's good, I like it.
- Yeah, yeah, thanks.
- Let's go.
- Yeah.
- Hi!
- [Emily] Hello, hi.
- I got your mom's message,
oh, I was so surprised.
- Hi.
- It is so good to see you.
- [Emily] So good to see you.
- Your mom said you two
needed some marital advice?
Come on, come on in.
Excuse the mess, I didn't
know you were coming
in time to clean up.
- [Emily] Oh, don't worry.
- Now, all I can offer you
is this homemade limeade
and this pecan pie.
- Thank you, it looks great.
- Thanks, yeah, thanks.
- [Emily] Very sweet of you.
- Yeah.
- [Emily] Again, thank you for having us.
- Your Uncle Tommy and I are
very pleased that you thought
of us when you're having this
rough patch in your marriage.
- Actually, I think my mom might have--
- Misled you a little bit.
- Yeah.
- We don't really need
help with our marriage.
- You don't?
- No, no, we need help with our divorce.
- Yeah, yeah, it's just
a matter of paperwork,
really, so if you could just
cross out your name right here,
and then add your initials,
I don't actually have a pen
on me, so if you have a pen--
- What happened?
- She moved to North Carolina.
- It's hard to say.
- But you seem so much in love.
- Things happen.
- What about counseling?
- We don't really, it's not for us.
- Well, all marriages
have their ups and downs.
- It just wasn't meant to be.
- Your mom never mentioned
a thing about this.
- Anyways, if we could just,
you know, kind of cross this out--
- You'll never do it.
- [Milly] Tommy.
- We've been trying to
cross ours out for 40 years.
- What?
- It's true.
- You want a divorce?
- Well, not so much
anymore, we kind of just,
kind of committed to staying
together til the end,
but that's not what we wanted.
- Your bitches of sisters.
- No, they wouldn't relent.
- But, but I thought you
were the perfect couple.
- You think getting a
divorce is easy, huh?
You know, every name on
that list thinks they
know better than you do.
- You invite them to your wedding,
and they think they can control
you the rest of your lives.
- You better quit, save your
gas money, get a bigger bed.
- Well, I mean, the thing is
that we've already moved on.
- Moved on?
- Yeah, I mean, she,
she moved out about five years ago, and--
- You left him?
- Well, I didn't leave him.
- Well, yeah, you didn't
leave me, but she did leave.
- Well, you know, you
could have left, too,
you didn't have to stay in
that apartment for five years.
- Yeah, but it's a really nice,
it's a very nice apartment,
it's tough to get a good place, and.
- See, you stayed because you like it,
not because you wanted to work things out.
- It seems like the two of
you have a lot to talk about.
- I'm sorry, you know,
I forgot for a second
that this is a healed wound from the past,
and that I'm in love with Mikey now, so.
- Who the hell is Mikey?
- That's right, we forgot
to tell them about Mikey.
- Yeah, he's a--
- Yeah.
- My new fiance.
- Fiance?
- What does he do again,
I forgot what he does.
- [Emily] Stop.
- No, no, no, what is
it, is it like a banker,
or a doctor?
- No.
- [Joe] It's something really important,
is he in law, you might--
- No.
- [Joe] What does he do?
- He, okay, he plays football, yeah.
- That's right.
- I love football.
- I love football, too,
wait, is he in the NFL?
He must be, right.
- Oh, how impressive.
- [Joe] Yeah, absolutely,
what position does he play?
- Stop.
- [Joe] Okay.
- He, he plays unicycle football.
- That's right.
- [Emily] Yeah.
- What the hell is that?
- He invented a sport.
- Yeah, yeah, he invented a sport,
not many people can say
they've done that, so.
- Yeah, you've chosen a
wonderful life partner.
- Thank you.
- I don't know what the two
of you have gotten yourselves
into, but it seems rather odd.
- We don't care what you do,
but we do want our eight
speed blender back.
- Deal.
(slow music)
- [Joe] Is he a quarterback?
- [Emily] No, he's--
- [Joe] How many Superbowls has he won?
- [Emily] Shut up.
- What?
So you really dropped out of med school.
- Not like that.
- Well, then, what?
- I mean, I took a year off,
and then I just didn't go back.
- Emily, what?
- What?
- The, you, why, what happened?
- I couldn't handle it, I had no time,
I never slept, all right,
you know how I get.
And also, I met Mikey
around the same time,
and you know, he has
this exciting lifestyle,
you know, doing whatever
he wanted all the time,
and I, I said, hey, like I can do that.
- Yeah, but--
- [Emily] I guess I wanted that.
- But you're supposed to be a doctor,
like that is your thing.
- Yeah, well,
anyway, what about you?
I heard you got your certification?
- Yeah, it's awesome,
it's a lot better than assistant teaching.
- [Emily] Really?
- Yeah, yeah, I mean, these kids,
they look up to me, you know, I'm like,
I'm like a king to them,
they think I'm a giant,
you know--
- Wow.
- Which is rare.
- [Emily] Yeah.
- For me, it's cool, I have
a lot of fun with them.
- So what happened?
- Oh, I don't know, it's.
- [Emily] You don't know?
- No, I don't, I don't know.
Are we, are we almost there?
- I don't know, you want to check?
- [Joe] Can I use your phone?
This is where it all happened.
- Back in the day.
- [Joe] Back in the day,
look at these young people.
- [Emily] Hey, there's Adam.
- What, what is he up to now?
- You just have to think about everything,
all together, all at once,
all at the same time.
- You're absolutely right,
that's a great point.
- And all we have to do is fill this out?
- That's it.
- Great.
- Guys, what's up?
(overlapping chatter)
I can't believe it, I can't believe it.
- [Joe] How's it going?
- It's good, yeah, it's really good.
- [Joe] What are you, what are you doing?
- I'm just saving the world.
- Like, is this the same thing
that you were doing the
last time we saw you?
- No, this is totally different.
The last thing was about the whales,
this is about everything.
- Oh.
- The whales was just too specific.
- Oh, okay.
- Yeah, sure.
- Thanks.
- No, thank you, thank you
for making a difference.
- No problem.
- Wow, saving the world, huh?
- How about that?
- One signature at a time, right?
- Hey, are you still in touch
with Michelle or Damion?
- Michelle, no, uh-uh.
- No?
- But I see Damion all the time.
- [Emily] Really?
- Yeah, we're roommates.
- What?
- You're still in the same house?
- [Adam] Yeah, still there, big place.
- Awesome.
- You guys should totally come over.
- 221,
222,
223.
- What are you doing?
- [Emily] Hey.
- Hey, it's you guys.
- [Emily] Who do you think it was?
- [Joe] What's up, man?
- No, I'm selling this bike on Craigslist,
and I thought you were my customer.
- You did not just do 200 of those.
- No, no, no, this woman
who's coming to buy the bike,
though, sounds really hot, so, you know,
I was trying to set the stage.
- Wait, why do you have a girl's bike?
- To sell to a girl.
- Right, but where did
you get a girl's bike?
- Bought it from a girl.
- So you're just buying and
selling stuff to meet girls?
- Yeah, yeah, the whole online
dating thing's so phony,
there's no real connection,
but you buy an old fish tank
from someone, you get to
hang out, you know, talk,
carry it out to the car,
it's better than a date.
- That's very smart, actually.
- Oh, my god.
- You guys want to buy something?
I always end up with way more
stuff than I sell, you know,
'cause I don't really
feel comfortable asking
a woman out unless I buy her lamp first.
I've got more weed whackers
than, like anything else.
This one, she was hot,
but not that pretty,
she was really pretty, but not that hot.
This chick was crazy.
- Hey, I wanted to ask
you, have you talked
to Michelle lately, do
you know where she is?
- [Damion] Michelle Michelle?
- Yeah.
- No, 'cause she booked, yeah--
- [Emily] What's up with that?
- Changed her phone, changed
her email, I don't know.
- I mean, I'm sure we can find her.
- Good luck.
- [Emily] Yeah.
- [Joe] This is what you do
now, you buy and sell stuff?
- No, man, this is a hobby, I
still work at the pizza place,
man, I hold it down,
I'm assistant manager.
- Nice.
- Yeah, how about you, what
are you doing these days?
- He won't talk about it.
- Oh, really, is it 'cause
he's doing porn again?
Joe's doing porn again?
- Stop, stop, I'm not doing porn.
- Well, what are you doing?
- I got suspended from my
job for doing something,
for not doing something really stupid.
- What, what happened?
- It's like nothing, nothing, okay,
it's not worth talking about.
- What'd you do?
- [Emily] Come on.
- A kid said that I picked my
nose and put it in my butt.
- What?
- [Joe] Shut up, it's not funny.
- Yes.
- Oh, my god.
- It's not funny, okay,
I got in trouble like a
little five-year-old, shut up.
- Sorry, so why couldn't you
just explain what happened?
- What are you supposed to
say to something like that?
You can't.
- So wait, that's how you lost your job?
- For now, yeah.
- Joe, it's your job, why
didn't you take the time to,
like explain what happened,
stand up for yourself.
Come on.
- [Joe] Okay.
- [Emily] You always do this.
- Okay, that's enough, I.
- Y'all know what, I am
totally late right now.
- Why, do you have to go to work?
- Actually, I've gotta go
look at a fold out sofa.
- This is so stupid.
- Actually, the woman who's
selling it seems pretty cool,
we've been texting all day,
y'all should come with me,
be my wing men, be my moving men, huh?
- No, I'm not gonna pretend
to look at some sofa so
you can pick up a girl.
- Yeah, sounds fun, I'll go.
- Wanna come, make me
look popular, sounds good.
And you can stay here and
work on your attitude.
- We're not here to hang out, okay?
We're just supposed to
get him to cross off his.
- You know,
there's actually some
pretty choice items in here.
(Emily hiccups)
You okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
- Yeah, you sure?
- Okay, I'm sorry, I just
hate when he gets like this,
okay, it drives me crazy.
- Yeah, why don't you go talk to him?
- No, no, no, it's fine, I
want to go with you, let's go.
- I'll wait, go talk to him.
- No, no, let's just go,
let's just go. (hiccups)
- [Damion] Really?
- Yeah, it's, trust me,
it's better if you just
let it blow over, okay?
- You guys are unbelievable,
you're driving across
the country with him,
doing this signature thing,
and you won't talk to
him for five minutes?
- Even if I tried to
talk to him right now,
he's not gonna be helpful,
he doesn't want to talk about anything.
- You don't want to talk about anything.
- Well, because we're not
together anymore, he's a big baby,
and I don't have to deal
with his moods anymore,
okay, that's the whole point, all right?
Look, I'm happy to see you,
okay, let's just have fun.
- [Damion] Hey, I'm ready to have fun,
as long as you're done
dry heaving over there.
- Yeah.
- [Damion] Let's get out of here.
- Okay.
You're playing tennis now?
- [Damion] No.
(slow music)
- [Emily] Got it?
Careful.
- Yeah, and, Jesus, fuck, that's heavy.
Is there a dead body in here?
- Oh, I'll never tell.
- Okay, so where do you want it?
- I guess we'll just have to move
that old couch out of here,
and put it over there.
- Are you sure, that's really nice.
- Oh, that couch is not
that nice, this, much nicer.
- You know, she's selling all her stuff,
and traveling down to South America.
- I want to be free.
- Are you guys high?
- Yeah, high on life,
it turns out Veronica
and I have tons in common, for example,
we both really love llamas.
- Like, so crazy.
- They're so cute.
- And she needs a place
to stay for a week,
so it kind of works out.
- I'll go get the couch cushions.
- Dude, I gotta say, you were
right, that totally worked.
- She's cool, huh?
- Yeah, I'm very impressed, I gotta say.
- Impressed?
- Yeah.
- You're impressed, so
you think I'm an idiot
'cause I can't properly explain
that nobody would put
boogers in their butt,
and this guy's a genius 'cause
he bought a shitty couch?
- I never said you were dumb.
- So there are some stains.
- Okay, Damion, this has been
great, but we have got to go,
so if you could just cross off your name--
- Oh, Joe, I told him we could
spend the night, hang out.
- Yeah--
- No, no.
- You never come visit, yeah,
you're in town one night,
you don't even want to hang out,
let's have some fun, we used
to have fun, man, come on.
- [Emily] Come on.
- Okay.
- Yeah!
- Yay, where's that old couch going?
(overlapping chatter)
- This is a great couch.
- It is.
- I don't know why I didn't think of it.
- Why, 'cause I know a lot about couches,
you know, buying and selling so many.
- Yeah, this was a good
idea, to take it out here.
- Yeah, you know, I always
thought this was much more
of an outdoor couch.
- [Emily] There you go.
- Yeah, definitely.
- Well, Emily, what do you do?
You seem like you probably
do something super cool.
- Oh, thanks, but no,
I am a little bit in
between things right now.
- She's a unicycle football
cheerleader right now.
- Oh, wow.
- [Joe] Yeah, real busy.
- You know what, I am
beat, where am I sleeping?
- Oh, y'all just take my bed.
- No, no, no.
- Oh, yeah, it's not
problem, yeah, we're gonna,
we're gonna, we're gonna stay out here.
- Okay, then I'll take your new couch.
- Joe, there's a little cat pee issue.
- Ew.
- [Joe] What issue?
- The cat kind of pees
on people if they're sleeping out there.
- What?
- [Damion] Yeah, you should
make sure you have a door
that you can close.
- That's a gross cat,
why do you have that cat?
- Look, it's fine, we can sleep,
we can share the same bed.
- [Damion] I'm sure y'all will be fine.
- Goodnight.
- Goodnight.
(slow music)
I'm sorry.
- Oh, my god, oh, my god, I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
- Want coffee?
- Yeah, that sounds good.
- [Damion] I can't do it.
- Come on, please.
- It feels weird, man,
you guys are my friends.
- Damion, you're reading
too much into this,
just do it, okay?
- This is such a beautiful tradition.
- [Joe] Oh, my god.
- Yeah, thanks.
- It's heavy as shit,
this is my signature, man.
- You are killing me.
- If I had been there and signed it,
I would totally un-sign it for you now.
- Oh, I wish you'd been there,
you would have loved it.
- It sounds amazing.
- You know, you should
just, here, give me that,
you should just sign it.
- Really?
- Yeah, go for it.
- [Veronica] Aw, thanks.
- [Emily] Why not?
- Why not?
- Okay.
- [Veronica] See?
- [Joe] Look at that.
- [Adam] Hey, guys.
- [Joe] Hey.
- I'm sorry I missed you
last night, but I went
to this frat party, at
least a hundred signatures.
- Nice.
- [Adam] You guys are leaving already?
- Well, actually, we need your initials,
you, too, Damion, quit
fucking around, let's go.
- You can't just make me sign something.
- [Joe] You, too, oh, my god.
- You gotta give me your rap.
- [Emily] Our rap?
- Our what?
- Why we should support
you getting a divorce,
you know, why it's best
you're splitting up.
- Guys, this is getting really old, okay?
Cross off your names,
put your initials down,
and we're gonna go, all right?
- It just feels weird, man.
- You don't have
to sign anything you're
uncomfortable with, okay?
Man, I wouldn't want your signature
if you didn't feel good about it.
- All right, you know what,
just feel good about it, come on.
- Well, the first rule
of collecting signatures,
you don't force people to do it.
- And what's the second rule?
- You make 'em think it's their idea.
(slow music)
(overlapping chatter)
You need a hook, start with
something that grabs 'em.
- Since you were part of the
beginning, by signing this--
- We want you guys to
be also part of the end.
- [Emily] Support us.
- And support us in this decision to,
together move on with our lives.
- [Emily] Thank you.
- [Joe] Perfect.
- Then convey the importance of the issue.
- [Joe] And because your
signatures were very important
to us, we want you to--
- Cross yours out.
- [Joe] Yes.
- Right.
- [Adam] Cater your
message to your audience.
- Mom, Dad, I really need your help,
don't worry, I don't need
money, this is actually free.
- Well, sure.
- [Adam] Let them know that support
of your cause is really easy.
- [Joe] Hey, Aunt Avis,
we just needed your help
with something really fast, okay?
- Let me just help you
out here, there you go.
- [Adam] Wear comfy shoes, that's a must.
- We have an opportunity
of a lifetime for you.
- [Emily] Remember that?
- Remember the waterparks?
- You'd always wear black
socks with your bathing suit.
- Yep.
- [Adam] Make it fun, be their friend.
- [Joe] They are our friends.
- Even better.
Remember, enjoy humanity,
enjoy connecting with people.
- [Emily] So can we count on your support?
- Whatever.
- [Adam] It's a gift.
- [Emily] Thanks, right there.
- And bring plenty of pens.
- [Joe] Thank you.
- I think that's it, you
guys are all set for success.
- [Joe] I'll see you soon.
- Take care of yourself.
- [Joe] Okay.
- Think it over.
- [Joe] Thank you.
- Ruin your day, won't it?
(construction rumbles)
- This is so weird, Vicky seemed sure
that Michelle lived here.
- Yeah, weird.
- I don't know who else to ask.
- Hey, I have an idea,
let's go back to the motel
and order a pizza, huh, put
mushrooms on it like you like,
motel pizza is the best pizza, come on.
- [Emily] All right.
- Yeah?
- [Emily] Yeah.
- All right, let's go.
- [Emily] That's mine.
- [Joe] No, it's not.
- [Emily] Yes.
- [Joe] What, no.
- Yeah.
- [Joe] No, why?
- You already had four.
- I know, but I'm bigger
than you, this is,
I deserve this piece of pizza.
- What, this, that--
- No, no, no, wait, wait, hey, oh, oh, oh,
everybody relax,
everybody calm down, okay?
Let's put the pizza down
and think about this.
- That's mine.
- Okay, let's thumb war.
Huh?
- All right, let's do it.
- [Joe] All right, all right, let's do it.
- [Emily] Yeah.
- [Joe] What?
- Gross, your hands are so greasy.
- Well, welcome to war, this is hell,
one, two, three, four,
I declare a thumb war.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, no
leverage, no, look at you--
- What about you?
- Hey, what's that over there, is that a?
One, two, three--
- No, no, no!
- Four, game, game over.
(door knocks)
Get the door, you lost.
- [Emily] Who's?
- I don't know.
- Did you order more pizza?
- No, go, you, you, loser gets it.
- I'll get it, I'll get it,
I'll get it, I'll get it.
- And you have officially lost.
(door knocks)
- No, no, no, no, drop
it, put it down, come on.
(door knocks)
Oh, my god.
- I found you!
Alright.
- What, I thought you were
gonna be here tomorrow.
- No, there was one
more bus for the night,
I got on it, yeah.
Hey, man.
- [Joe] Hey, good to see you.
- Good to be here.
- Yeah.
- Sorry, I forgot to tell you,
Mikey's tournament ended, so
he's free to come with us.
- It didn't end, baby, we lost.
- Right, sorry.
- It's okay.
- Is that okay?
- Yeah, yeah, more, more people to drive.
- I told you, see,
road trips are more fun with three people.
- Yeah, that's what people say.
- He always says that.
- I'm gonna go to my room, so I'll just.
- [Emily] Oh, okay.
- [Mikey] Oops, sorry, man.
- Yeah, you have a unicycle, that's right.
Okay, I'll see you guys later.
- [Mikey] Goodnight, buddy.
- Yeah, goodnight.
- [Mikey] Have a good night.
- [Emily] Oh, my god.
- Is that pizza?
- Yeah.
(television chatters)
(slow music)
(door knocks)
(slow music)
- Yeah, like one of my friends,
one of my doctor friends
started dating one
of the patients, you
know, it happens a lot.
- Wow.
- She was my doctor, you
know, that's how we met.
- Well, I was shadowing, he
came in with a broken arm.
- She's got a really good bedside manner,
that's why I'm glad you quit,
I couldn't stand the thought
of sharing that attention
with any other patients.
- Oh.
- And what do you do for work, Mikey?
Like for money, I mean.
- Well, right now,
unicycle football's
taking up most of my time.
- Oh, okay.
- You know, we're trying
to get it recognized as an official sport.
- It's not already, I
could have sworn it is,
I saw it on TV, hey, hey, ow!
- Shut up.
- Don't kid, man, this thing could be huge
if people only knew about it.
- There's just so much falling, you know,
like, like there's no
momentum to it at all.
- People love falling.
- Yeah, honey, it's so much
fun watching you fall, honey.
- Yeah, I mean, it's a real skill.
People would be much better off
if they knew how to fall gracefully.
- You should teach a class in it.
- [Emily] He does.
- And not falling.
- Oh, yeah, at the senior center.
- Really?
- [Emily] Mm-hmm.
- [Mikey] Yeah.
- Oh, wow.
- It's also important to know how to,
you know, not fall.
- Yeah, there's a,
there's a balance to it.
- [Mikey] Balance, I never
thought of it that way.
(slow music)
- [Emily] Hey.
Oh, no, what's wrong?
- It won't start, and the thing
starts in a couple of hours,
and we're still six hours away.
- Oh, here, it's okay.
- You're right, I mean, how fortuitous,
now that you're here, I
can just ride with you.
- Ride where?
- To the memorial service.
- What?
- Oh, you didn't hear?
- I don't get it, we were just there,
Uncle Tommy seemed fine, maybe
not in tiptop shape, but.
- Who are you?
- Oh, that's actually what we wanted to--
- Joe.
- [Joe] Talk to you about.
It's fine.
(slow music)
(car doors slam)
- Thanks for the ride.
- You know, Mikey, I think
it's gonna be best if you stay
in the car, this is my
religious side of the family,
and they're not gonna look
kindly on me if I have two dates.
- Say no more.
- All right, ready?
I have to go.
- You guys have fun.
- Okay.
(overlapping chatter)
- I'm so glad you two are here.
- [Emily] What happened?
- He died in his sleep, that's
the best way to go, I'm sure,
but, oh, I think poor Milly
is just torn to pieces.
- Well, at least, I guess
now she can be free finally.
- What a terrible thing to say.
- Well, just between us, they
were actually planning on--
(Milly sobs)
(radio blares music)
♪ Come on, everybody, give it a chance ♪
♪ See, the girls are
wearing stretch pants ♪
♪ Like they're regular pants ♪
♪ And you don't want to drink, and ♪
- Afraid so, I'm sorry.
- I thought he had bales of it.
- That's the, you'll see what it is.
- When did you fly in?
- Yesterday.
- I'm sorry for your loss.
- Yeah, thanks, so your mom said that you
and Joe might be coming to Philly soon.
- Yeah.
Wait, about that, let
me just grab something
that I want to show you, is that okay?
- I got my cousin Brian's initials.
- What?
- Yes, he was our farthest point,
I mean, look around, there
are, like 30 initials
that we can get here like
that. (snaps fingers)
- Yeah, but they're not gonna want
to sign at a time like this, Emily.
- What, I mean, if
anything, they're less prone
to putting up a fight.
- Is the family from New Jersey here?
- The Bigelows?
- Yeah.
- All four of them.
- And the Grant family?
- Here, I'm telling you,
this is a gold mine.
- Holy fuck.
(window knocks)
- You must be Mikey.
- You must be Rose, pleased
to meet your acquaintance.
(radio blares music)
- We really appreciate this.
- Well, my dad cared
an awful lot about you,
and I know he would want you to be happy.
- I know, he did, so if
you could just sign here,
that's, your name is right there, thanks.
- Great, thank you.
- Thanks.
- All right, I'll take you back,
there's some good
crackers in the main room.
(slow music)
- [Emily] Here in the study.
(background noise drowns out speaker)
- [Joe] All right, thank you.
- [Emily] Thanks.
- Are you sure about this?
- Yeah, yeah, never
been, never been surer.
- [Man In Brown Sweater] Okay.
- [Joe] All right, thanks so much.
- Didn't you guys get divorced?
- Yeah, we just have to
make it official first.
- I mean, you don't want that, do you?
To be married to a woman
who, in the eyes of god,
and everyone she knows, is
still married to somebody else.
- No, I don't want that.
- See, Emily doesn't
understand why I care so much,
but if you take away a
contract, what's left?
- I mean, you're just looking
out for her, I get that,
it's all I want to do, I
mean, we're not so different.
- [Man In Suit] What is this again?
- Their divorce papers.
- [Joe] Thank you.
- [Emily] Thanks.
- This is hardly the time.
- [Joe] Yeah, I know, it's just--
- Thanks.
- Hey, come here.
- Hmm?
What?
- Look.
- What?
- [Mikey] Center your
spine over this (mumbles).
- [Rose] Okay.
- [Mikey] You all right?
- What the hey?
- Huh.
- I'm not gonna let go, you
see that tree over there?
- Yeah.
- That's where we're going.
- Hey, let's, let's make sure
we have all the signatures.
- [Emily] Okay.
- It's been a pleasure.
- [Mikey] All mine.
- And I'll be sure and hand
these out at Quaker meeting.
- [Mikey] You are awesome.
- [Joe] Mikey, come on, we gotta go.
- Okay, okay.
- Hey, it was good seeing you guys.
- [Mikey] Hey, yeah.
- Great seeing you.
- [Emily] Great seeing you.
- You've still gotta come see us
in Wheeling, West Virginia, right?
- Yes, absolutely, all right, bye.
Let's go.
(upbeat music)
♪ If you want it ♪
♪ I've got it ♪
♪ And if you mean it, I'm on it ♪
♪ Get it straight, girl ♪
♪ Get it straight, girl ♪
♪ It's a (mumbles), you got one time ♪
- So you walk in with a broken arm?
- Yeah, like extra broken,
not just any old broken arm.
- I was secretly hoping to
get, like a bone sticking up.
- Oh, my god.
- She was impressed, we went
out, like the next night.
- Of course, yeah, sure.
- It worked, yeah, (mumbles).
- How did you guys meet?
- You haven't told him the story?
- I, god--
- What?
- I guess it didn't come up.
- It's such a good story.
- Tell it, yeah, I want
to hear it, come on.
- [Emily] Okay, okay, okay.
- Of course, we'll tell you the story.
- So I was boarding a bus.
- Right, like a Greyhound,
like Dallas, Austin.
- Yeah.
- Classic.
- And it was really crowded.
- Super packed.
- Crazy.
- Yes.
- But it had assigned seating,
so you had tickets, you were fine.
- And so I'm sitting in my seat,
minding my own business, and
then this girl walks up to me,
and she's like, "You're in my seat."
- Get out. (laughs)
- Yeah, and I start to panic,
'cause I can't find my ticket,
it's not in my bag, I
don't know where it is,
and the bus is super crowded, so I'm like,
if this isn't my seat, I'm screwed.
- Yeah.
- Oh, man.
- Yes, yes, and then she realizes
that she misread her ticket, and anyways,
we started talking, we started talking,
and she goes back to her seat,
and we start looking at each other,
pretending like we're
not looking, but we are--
- [Emily] I remember
doing that, oh, my god.
- [Joe] Yes, yes, exactly.
- Yeah, I've done that, I love that.
- Right, and then we get to Austin,
and there's one cab, so we share it,
and we just keep talking and talking,
and then I just end up not
going to my buddy's place
that I came to Austin to visit,
instead I just ended up
staying at her place, for like.
- Forever.
- Forever.
- [Mikey] Wow.
- He's still living in my old apartment.
- Yeah.
- That's an amazing story,
I can't believe I never heard it before.
- [Emily] Yeah, I know.
- I mean, babe, if you
hadn't misread your ticket--
- Oh, no, he didn't tell the whole thing.
- There's more?
- [Emily] Yeah.
- What, what did I miss?
- The, the thing is that I
had seen Joe at the terminal,
and I wanted to talk to
him, so I made up all
that stuff about him in my
seat so that I had an excuse.
- You tricked him.
- What, no.
- [Emily] Yeah.
- No, because remember, we
talked about isn't it crazy
that 4C looked so much like
14C, that was the whole thing.
- Yeah, but that's just, it
was just me hitting on you.
- [Joe] What?
- You knew that, come on,
that's what makes it a funny story.
- No, that's not funny, that's not a good,
that's not a good, that's
not even a story anymore.
- What?
- Hey, it's, it's not as good of a story.
- [Emily] Yes, it is.
Well, who's, let's keep
playing who's turn--
- [Mikey] I mean, don't cry about it.
- No, that's fine.
- Nice.
(slow music)
All right, guys, this is it, last couple
of signatures to get crossed off.
- But what about Michelle, we
don't even know where she is.
- Well, that's true,
but we still gotta come
in strong on this one.
(dog barks)
Oh, what was that?
- [Emily] Oh, my god.
- Oh, my god.
- It's a dog.
- [Mikey] Oh, my god.
- [Joe] Oh.
- Oh, my god, oh, my god.
- It's not bad, she's
okay, okay, hold her leg.
- Okay, all right.
- Hold her, you're gonna be fine,
let's just tie (mumbles)
here, okay, good girl.
- What just happened?
- Oh, my god, Jane!
- Oh, my god, oh, my god.
- How could you!
- [Man With Beard] Oh, god!
- [Emily] It's just her leg.
- [Man In Argyle Sweater]
Well, call the vet.
- Hey, hey, she's in med
school, okay, she's got this.
- [Emily] It's not bad.
- You'd better fix this.
- I can't take this, I can't take this.
- It's okay.
- I can't.
- Oh, sweetie, if she dies--
- [Man With Beard] Oh, god, no!
- She's not gonna die, no, she's not--
- [Man With Beard] Oh, god, no.
- [Joe] It's okay.
- What are you doing?
(Emily gasps)
- Hey, just give her a second, just,
hey, hey, just give her a second, please.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, it's okay, it's okay,
you know what to do,
okay, look up, look up,
put your hands up, come
on, you've got this,
okay, it's okay, now breathe,
just breathe and look up,
just breathe and look up, there
you go, breathe and look up.
You okay?
- Yeah.
- All right, can you fix her?
- [Emily] Yeah, I think so.
- [Joe] All right, okay.
All right, guys, she's
got it under control,
it's all gonna be under control, okay,
no need to worry, we promise.
- [Man In Argyle Sweater] Honestly,
she looks more alert than she ever has.
- I think she may have
really needed this, yeah.
- I could use something like that,
a revelation, something to
make you feel spunky again.
- Car wreck, plane crash, something.
- Seriously, you gotta be
reminded, life is short,
(snaps fingers) it could change on a dime.
- Play hard, and be thankful.
- So you guys will do it, then?
Can you cross your names off?
- [Man In Argyle Sweater] Sure.
- Okay.
- Thanks so much.
- Great, that was easy.
Great.
- Of course, we would like you
to return the picnic backpack we gave you.
- I don't think we kept it.
- Yeah, we will check
when we get home, so.
- Okay.
- [Joe] All right, great.
- [Man With Beard] And my initials.
- Thank you so much, and we will--
- Wait a minute, wait a minute.
You forgot about Marie,
you gotta have her initial,
a footprint is a signature.
- Yeah, I think it's legal.
- Okay, where is she?
- She hasn't been too cooperative lately.
- No?
- No, you could try, but.
- Well, good luck.
- We're both just very
different people now.
- We've moved on.
- [Emily] People change.
- Yeah, Emily's engaged to somebody new.
- Hi.
- But you're married.
- Yes.
- Yes.
But we don't--
- Don't want to be anymore.
- Right.
- We've changed.
- I don't think so.
- [Joe] Okay.
- What about candy, do you--
- Yes, candy.
- [Emily] Please?
- [Joe] Yeah, please?
- I don't know.
- Do you have any cash?
- How about 20 bucks?
- You're not supposed to bribe kids.
- [Joe] No, you're not.
- We're not trying to
shatter your conceptions
of marriage here.
- You've got that one, I
know you know that one.
- There's nothing wrong with divorce,
they just don't talk about
it in children's stories.
You know what, statistically,
50% of the stories
probably ended in divorce.
- We really need to finish,
so if we could talk about this later?
- I mean, think about me, Marie, you know,
I meet the woman of my dreams,
we're perfect for each other,
but bam, it turns out she's
already married, then bam,
it turns out that's okay, she
wants to get divorced anyway,
and then bam, her mom won't let her do it,
and it's hard on a guy like me, you know?
- You shouldn't kiss somebody
who's already married.
- I know.
I mean, what if, I don't get it,
why can't you guys just
say she's gotta do it?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- She's a kid, and you're her dads,
it's, like no ice cream for a month
if she doesn't sign the thing.
- Right.
- [Mikey] You know?
- I bet by tomorrow she'll be
in a totally different mood.
- Tomorrow?
- Tomorrow?
- Yeah, you're welcome to
stay here, we have room.
- [Mikey] It's a nice room.
- [Emily] Careful there.
- You can't sleep in the same
bed if you're not married.
- For fuck's sake.
- [Emily] Sorry.
- She's never gonna
cross out her footprint.
- Even if she does, we still
don't know where Michelle is.
- You know what, let's
call your mom, okay?
We'll call her, we'll say, look, we tried,
we gave it our best shot,
and it just did not work out.
- No, she wouldn't like that, I can't.
- Yeah, she would say,
this is why you guys split
up in the first place.
- Yeah, when things
get rough, we want out.
- Yeah, that's what she would say.
- [Emily] Yeah.
- Yeah, right.
- Right.
- Okay.
- Goodnight.
- Goodnight.
(bird chirps)
- Hello.
- Hi.
- Are you ready to help us, then?
- My dads told me I don't have
to do anything I don't want to do.
- Well, that's an f-ed up
thing to say to a little girl,
of course you have to do
things you don't want to do,
I mean, do you think that I wanted
to walk away from the very
tournament that I created,
just because the referee
in our game was a dick,
didn't know what he was doing?
Of course I didn't.
- I think it's time for you guys to leave.
(slow music)
- Guys, come on, we gotta go.
- Oh, crap, Mikey, wait, Mikey, wait!
- We gotta go.
- What you just saw, we just, me and Joe,
I think we're just so used to cuddling.
- Don't worry about that.
- But I just, I don't want you
think there's anything going
on between us, it's
over, believe me, I mean,
being on this trip with
him, having to put up
with his bad moods, I'm
just so happy we're done.
I promise, the cuddling thing
is just a stupid reflex.
- No, that's healthy.
- Well, I don't know if it's healthy, but.
- Look, we've got big
hearts, and there's a lot
of love out there to be had, I mean,
you don't want to be restricted just
because you and I are in
a committed relationship.
- Well, you want to be
a little restricted.
- I mean, we're not just gonna be
with one person for the rest of our lives.
- That's the whole idea of marriage.
- You're getting upset, don't be upset.
- [Woman With Short Hair] Excuse me.
- Oh, my god.
- Excuse me.
- We already signed, we're
already sustainers, so.
- Um, I'm sorry, I just wanted
to know what time it was?
- What's the cause?
(phone rings)
- I'm sorry, hello?
- [Woman With Short Hair] Well,
it's a variety of causes all at once.
- Oh, really.
- Mm-hmm, there's a lot of
things going on, like mountains,
they're basically going extinct.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- That's amazing, yeah.
Thanks, Damion.
Okay, sure, let me just grab a pen
to write it down, hold on.
- I guess we're just not
supposed to be together.
It's taken me a long time to admit that,
but I guess I just have
to finally let it go,
and move on.
- Okay, I'll sign it.
(slow music)
- Hey, where were you?
- Marie initialed.
- What?
Oh, my god, that's great!
- It's done, it's done.
- No, no, no, I just spoke to Damion--
- [Joe] Hey, I have to tell you something.
- What?
- I'm gonna go home on
my own, I found a bus,
and you guys can ride home together.
- Come on.
- [Joe] Yeah, yeah, it's--
- I thought we were
gonna do this together.
- I know, it's just, I
think this is for the best,
it's not healthy, trust me.
- Come on.
- [Joe] This is really for the best.
- Okay, okay, but--
- [Joe] Really.
- Wait, I spoke to Damion,
he knows where Michelle is.
- Really?
- She's, like up in the
mountains of New Mexico
or something, and we can be
there in a day or two, and.
- I, I think I should just go home,
you guys can finish it off, and.
- Come on.
- [Joe] No, it's good, really.
- [Mikey] Hey, guys.
- [Joe] Hey.
- What's going on?
- He's leaving.
- Really?
- Yeah, found a bus nearby, so.
- All right.
- [Joe] Just gonna get going.
- It's been a good trip, man, I,
you're, like one of my best friends now.
- [Joe] Okay.
- Come here.
- Thanks.
Good to see you.
All right.
- Bye.
- So I gave those girls
your email address,
I hope that's okay.
(slow music)
Of course I'm frustrated,
but there's nothing we can do right now,
we've just gotta take this
loss, wait for next year,
that's, that's all we can do, man.
(slow music)
No, please don't tell
Racer I just said that,
you can't just change the whole team over
to a different name and then still be
in the tournament, it
doesn't work like that,
I have to finish this conversation, sorry.
I mean, what are you gonna
call it, what about me?
I'm the quarterback!
- Hey!
Hey, Michelle!
Hi.
- Oh, my god.
Hey.
- Hi, hi.
I tell you, I had almost given up,
everyone I talked to said
you were off the radar.
- You're the one who dropped
off the planet, I'd say,
are you a doctor yet?
- No, no, I'm over that.
- Over it?
- Yep,
I took a weird turn awhile ago.
- Yeah?
- I met a guy.
- Oh.
- A really great guy,
yeah, his name's Mikey,
he's here, you'll meet him, he's,
god, you're gonna love him,
he, everybody loves him,
like there is no one who
doesn't love him, seriously.
- You brought him here to meet
me, like to get my approval?
- Oh, no, no, actually,
(sighs) so here's the deal.
Joe and I have been
doing this crazy thing,
driving around, talking to
everyone from the wedding.
- The Quaker divorce thing.
- [Emily] Yeah.
- No kidding, I mean, I can
see you doing it, but Joe?
- Yeah, no, we did it,
almost, you're the last one.
God, I thought I was never gonna find you.
- You could have asked
Joe, he knows my number.
- What, he does?
- Of course, I mean, if he forgot it,
he certainly knows where I live.
Wait, so you've been
driving around with Joe,
and he didn't mention--
- What?
- It's not my place.
- What,
you gotta, you're gonna have
to tell me now, what is it?
- Look, Joe and I, we've
been, I guess you would say,
seeing each other for awhile.
- You're kidding me, right?
You have seen. (coughs)
- Are you okay?
(Emily coughs)
- Sorry.
So,
how long is awhile?
- Like four or five years.
- God, five years? (coughs)
- I'm sorry, I mean, I
didn't mean to upset you,
I just, I thought that
Joe would have told you,
if you were spending all this time
in the car together, are you okay?
- [Emily] I need to sit down.
- Listen, I promise,
it did not start until
after you guys were broken
up, I mean, you know,
he started coming up
here a few times a year,
and then I'd go down there sometimes,
but we've never been serious.
I mean, the term really
would be, like fuck buddy.
- Oh, my god.
God, I can't believe he didn't tell me,
and he doesn't even have a stupid phone,
so I can't even call him
to say, screw you, Joe.
- You could write him a
letter, that's what we do.
- You write letters to each other, god.
- Look, I understand why this is hard,
but you were just saying
how much you love Mikey.
(Emily cries)
- It's not the same.
I always thought Joe couldn't
be with anyone, you know.
God, he was so closed off,
and now you're,
you're writing letters
to each other. (cries)
- Joe and I are not together, you know,
I mean, I didn't even
think that that's possible
with him because he never got over you.
- Really?
- Look, my therapist would
really not like me having
this conversation, I
don't want to say anymore.
- You think if, maybe, Joe
and I talk things through?
- Don't you think you
should talk to Mikey first?
(slow music)
- Hey.
- Hey.
This is really f-ed up,
baby, these guys are trying
to spin off this whole
different league without me,
without any of my branding,
it's like the second I leave, you know.
- Listen, we need to talk.
- Okay, what's up?
- Mikey, you know how
great you are, right?
- I mean, usually, yeah, but right now,
it's, like I, these guys
aren't even my friends anymore,
you know, they're trying
to take everything I have.
- Listen,
I just have this feeling
that I'm not myself when I'm around you.
- What, what do you
mean, of course you are.
- Look, when I met you,
I dropped out of school,
being a doctor was all
I ever wanted to be.
- Hey, if you want to go back to school,
I would love it if you
were a doctor, I mean,
I was just kidding about all, you know,
not sharing you with your
patients and all that,
that was just a joke.
- I know.
- Look how scraped up I am, I mean,
I need a doctor almost every single day.
- We don't, we don't want
the same things out of life.
- That's okay, we're two
completely different people,
that's totally normal.
- Okay, the thing is,
how am I gonna say this?
I don't even like regular
football, let alone--
- Don't say it.
- You, you need to be
with someone who wants
to go to all your games, and--
- Please don't say it.
- And that's not me, I
don't even understand it.
- Don't say it.
- I'm more into tennis.
- Oh, god,
you know how much I hate
those unicycle tennis snobs!
- I think maybe we rushed into this.
- Yeah.
(slow music)
- Bye.
- Bye.
(slow music)
(phone rings)
Yo, hey, yeah, I'll be
there in time for the game,
uh-huh, you guys just spray
paint me a jersey, all right.
(slow music)
- Well, there's no telling what we got.
- [Rose] I know, oh, oh, dear,
what are we gonna tell her?
- I don't know, well, I'm not
too happy about it, either.
- Emily, you're back.
- What's going on?
- I guess you win.
- We're ready to cross off our names.
- What do you mean?
- He's leaving.
- What?
- Joe, he's leaving.
(slow music)
- [Emily] Hey.
- Hey.
- Where are you going?
- Oh, I got a place off of
Oltorf that I'm gonna rent.
- Oh, you're moving.
- Yeah, I thought I would be sad,
like taking all this
stuff out and everything,
but it feels good, like really good.
- Good.
- Yeah, yeah, like free, you know,
like better than I've felt
since we split up, actually.
- Wow, that's, that's great.
- Thanks.
- [Emily] That's great.
- Yeah, where's Mikey at?
And so he's just gone?
- Yep.
- I just don't get it, I mean,
you guys really loved each other.
- I don't know, we
wanted different things,
and it didn't work out.
- Then you'll get over it, I
mean, look at me, I'm over it.
- Yeah.
- Okay, I should probably get going.
- Yeah.
- Monday morning, county clerk.
- [Emily] Yeah.
- We'll get this done.
- You got it.
- Hey, I'll, I'll call you.
- Oh, wow.
- Ta da!
- Nice.
- Yep, check it out.
- Yeah.
- It's my little keyboard,
I'm like a little spy.
- A little spy, what?
- Yeah.
All right, I'll be in touch.
- Okay.
- Expect a call from Agent Joe.
Okay.
- Form of payment?
- Yeah, I'll, I'll get
it, I'll do a check.
- [Clerk] Put your social
security numbers there,
your birthdates.
- Here you go.
Oh, I thought you might
actually want this, too.
- No.
- What?
- Joe.
- It's okay.
There you go.
- That's more of a symbolic thing.
- I mean, it's pretty cool,
have you ever seen one before?
- No.
- No, okay, listen, we worked
pretty hard on that, so.
- [Clerk] No.
- Okay, all right, let's take that back.
- [Clerk] Reason for divorce?
- Emily?
- Reason for divorce.
- Go ahead.
- Irreconcilable differences.
- No, we both know it's my fault.
- What?
- I realize that I've always thought
that I wasn't really good
enough for you, which is okay.
- That's crazy, I loved you.
- Yeah, but I just felt like you
always thought I was such a loser.
- You're, you're not,
why would you think that?
- You were going places,
and I felt like I would
just be holding you back,
you know, like you didn't want me around.
- Look, I only didn't want you around
when you were all mopey and distant.
But when you were present,
you were my rock, and you know that.
Well, then some other times, I don't know,
you would check out, like
that night at the bar.
- Emily, that night at the bar,
I got upset because of that story.
- About me knowing it wasn't my seat?
- Yes, yeah, I mean, I always thought
that us getting together was meant to be,
you know, that the
universe made it happen,
and then when you left,
that was the universe saying
that, you, it was over, you know?
And then you telling me that,
that you walked up to me,
I mean, that changed everything, okay?
It made it seem like it
wasn't just us sitting back
and letting that thing happen.
- But you sit back,
that's what I'm saying.
- Yeah, maybe I don't have
to, I'm not gonna lose you
because of some stupid thing that I do.
- Okay, what are you saying, Joe?
- [Clerk] Divorce filed, next!
(slow music)
- Well, we've been paying a lot
of attention to just listening.
- Yeah, I mean, communication
in general has been key.
- Yeah.
- And when you get your feelings hurt,
are you talking about it, or
are you just running away?
- Yeah, I'm talking about it now.
- Yeah.
- For sure.
- And now he's very supportive,
now that I'm back in school.
- And, and you're supportive, too,
I mean, I'm going back to
get a master's in teaching,
which is exciting.
- Yeah.
- Okay, looks like you're making progress.
- Yeah, so you'll, you'll sign it?
- Yep.
(slow music)