Puddle Cruiser (1996) - full transcript

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Shit! Let's try the other side.

Get down! And turn that off!

Alright it's cool. That was the 5 a.m. drive-by.

Holy Shit! Will you look at this?

God damn it's beautiful!

It's more than I ever imagined

I'm gonna go in the back and
see if there's any more

Whaddaya got?

Here, put these on!

Shut up!

Come on!



- Over there!
- Where, Where? Right!

- Oh yes!
- Oh yes! I think we got it.

- Nice!
- Grab it!

Freeze!

Hold it right there! Security!

I said hold it right there, buddy!

Security Eagle 1 to campus HQ...

Two perps found in the dining hall.

I copy that, Eagle 1.

Perps were nabbed for ingesting campus foodstuff.

I'm gonna make a sweep, then I'm gonna bring 'em in.

Good work Eagle 1.

- Hey Felix.
- Howdy.

You're up early.



I'll catch you later.

- Morning officer.
- Morning.

I wanted to tell you, your front tire looks
kinda low, you might wanna get it checked out!

Thanks, thanks a lot.

- Alright, you boys have a good day now, okay?
- You too.

What are you standing here all mopey for?

What are you talking about?

You're just kind of bland.

We just started talking.

Right, right...

Have you talked to Matt and Grogan yet?

They're not accepting my calls.

They're pissed!

Hey it's their fault for getting caught!

Well don't worry. They're not gonna squeal.

Alright, well here comes Grogan.
Let's talk about something else!

- What should we talk about?
- I dunno, something else.

- I dunno what to talk about.
- Talk about sports.

What do you know about sports?

- Hello Zach.
- Hi, Grogan!

Hi assface!

Hey don't be mad at me!

It's not my fault
you're not smooth and nimble.

Smooth and nimble, huh?

Take it back!

Hey smooth guy, who was that
you were talkin' to over there?

That's your friend, Matt...

The other guy you douched!

Behind Matt, talkin' to Emily?

That's my lawyer.

Huh?

She's my student lawyer.

Don't you wish you got caught?

She's gonna defend us.

- Suzanne McKenna?
- Yeah.

McKenna... I've seen her before.
You know her?

Sort of, she's friends with Emily.

So am I, how come
I don't know her?

She transferred in sophomore year,
doesn't go out much, into her studies...

What does she do?

What do you mean "what does she do?"...

Like uh... do do?

Like, besides being dickhead's lawyer.

Oh like, does she play sports,
is she student council president, that kinda do?

Yeah that kinda do.

She's student council president.

- Is she really?
- Yeah!

- Did you vote for her?
- No

Well who did you vote for?

What's the difference? It's just a bunch of
old white men, legislating my uterus anyway.

I gotta talk to her!

I dunno... Look at that goon she's with.

Yeah, who is that guy?

I think he's student council's treasurer.

Oops, sorry.

- You dropped your cup.
- Thanks.

You dropped your cup again.

Oops, sorry, I'm sorry!

Excuse me?

I- I'm sorry, I dropped
my cup on your feet.

Oh don't worry about it.

Hey what's your name again?

Suzanne.

Traci, this is Fred.
You're Fred Peterson, right?

Uh no. Suzanne, this is Felix Bean.

- Hi Felix.
- Hey Emily.

I must have you mixed up
with someone else.

Yeah I guess so.

I have to go to the bathroom.

- Yeah sure.
- You wanna go, Em?

Yeah, sure.

Okay, see you later.

See you around.

Hey Felix.

Hey, how you guys doin'?

It's like waiting in line
for space mountain.

"In Russia!"

So, how does it feel
to rule the school?

What?

You know, "rule the school"?

Pretty good I guess.

Yeah, you know I was gonna run,
but I'm pretty busy and all, so...

Yeah, I bet.

- Lambchop!
- Wazza wazza!

How much will you give me if I hug
the next guy that comes out of the bathroom?

Really, how much?
No matter who it is.

How much will I give you?
A dollar.

A dollar? C'mon you gotta
give me more than a buck!

- You won't do it
- I will...

- C'mon, five dollars.
- Three!

Alright fine.

Three dollars if I embrace the
next guy that comes out of that door right there.

I'm gonna do it.

Fine.

The fuck are you doin' man?
Get off me!

What? I thought you were my coach.

Get outta here.

- Hey Emily.
- Hey Felix.

What do you got goin'?

Uh nothin'. I have
medieval issues in a few minutes, but...

I'm gonna stop by the mail room first.

Cool, me too.

"Medieval issues," what's that?

Stuff about axe fights
and grog and that kinda thing?

No, actually...

It's gender issues in medieval times
with Professor Brancoli. She's awesome!

Hey, are you comin' to
the Aurora Borealis party tonight?

I don't know.

Um... is anything gonna happen
this year or are we gonna...

sit around, staring up at
the sky like we did last year?

Emily, it's the northern lights...

The sky's gonna turn blue,
and red... and green.

- It's astronomical!
- I'll bet it is.

I suppose you want
me to bring Suzanne?

- Suzanne who?
- "Suzanne who"?

- Forget it then!
- What?

Nothing, I guess you
don't like Suzanne McKenna.

- The student council president?
- Yeah.

What's happenin' 'Lix?
Cool got to be!

Freaky Reaky! What's the word?

Girdy birdy babe, girdy bird.

Hold on, jellybean.

One more for the road.

That one's on the house.

Thanks Freaky!

Hey Emily... Oh my brown-eyed beauty.

Another letter from mama.

Hi Freaky.

A little late on that credit card bill, sugar
don't wanna mess with the credit man!

Thanks Freaky!

So why would you think I was
interested in Suzanne McKenna?

No reason. I guess I got bad information.

Who told you that, Zach?

Felix, don't worry about it.

If you don't like her, you don't like her.

Who's the ape?

- What ape?
- "What ape"...

That ape she was hanging with on Saturday.

Oh, that ape! That is Suzanne's
high school boyfriend. He goes to Peck.

But just between you and me...
They've been having some problems lately.

Keep it hush, because a
lot of people died for that information.

Thanks. So are you guys
gonna be able to make it tonight or no?

- Yeah, we'll be there.
- Lush!

I may be a little late though.
I have play rehearsal.

- For what?
- A woman's theater group.

A womens' theater group?
What's up with that?

Look, I decided to get a little bit more
involved on campus, try some things out...

But no... dudes??

It's liberating Felix, you don't have to
put up with all the bullshit.

Anyway, I gotta go.
We'll see you around eleven.

What bullshit?

Why aren't you talkin' to her?

I'm gonna. I'm just
waiting for the right time.

What do you mean "the right time"?

Where the hell is this thing?

It's coming, I think
I see the first signs of it now.

Look up!

Oh yeah, I think I see somethin'!

- Hey
- Hey!

Felix, I don't think anything's happening!

It'll happen!
Don't worry, I'm on top of it.

On top of the Aurora Borealis?

Oh I thought you meant... Suzanne.

- Hey!
- Hey!

I promise not to drop
a cup on your feet this time.

What?

Remember? On Saturday night?
I dropped a cup on your feet?

You called me Fred Petersen...

Oh right, Fred Petersen!

I'm sorry about that. You just reminded me
of this really dorky guy in my chem class.

I mean... not that you're a dork...

So... What's this thing
supposed to look like anyway?

It's gonna be one of the
coolest things you'll ever see in your life.

The sky's gonna turn red and
blue and green with streaks of light.

See, the light deflects off
the water molecules in the clouds...

and that sends it off in
different directions at different speeds

Yeah, I think Fred Peterson
told me about this once.

So... You're saying I'm a dork?

You know, there are a lot of cool people at
this school who you probably labeled as dorks,

Felix Bean.

Hey look, I don't have
any problem with dorks.

- Felix, this is bullshit, we're outta here.
- Ah I swear I saw somethin'!

Counselor!

What's up?

Not much, aside from
her calling me a dork.

- You called Felix a dork?
- No!

I just said that he reminded
me of Fred Peterson.

Fred Peterson's a dork.

I know, okay?

Okay so... besides the dork thing,
are you guys hitting it off?

What do you mean?

Easy tiger. She already knows.

Knows what?

- Emily!
- Jeez! Just greasing the wheels a bit.

You guys are so silly!

I'm sorry about that.

Look, I dunno what you've heard but
it's not like I like you or anything.

- Okay..
- I mean... it's not that I don't like you.

I mean I really don't even know you
so how could I like you, right?

Right.

I'll see you later.

How'd it go?

Uh... Pretty well.

First she called me a dork, and then
I told her I didn't like her, so...

Good start!

You know...

There're plenty of fish
in this puddle. I mean...

Maybe your bait's
just not tasty enough.

Oh I'll show you tasty bait!

Good evening and welcome to the Leather Fish.

Tonight our specials are as follows...

We have an herb crusted chicken breast with
basil and fresh sundried tomatoes. I recommend it.

We also have a fresh halibut with fresh thyme and
fresh coriander, sauteed in a fresh leek sauce.

Also very good.

And the soup of the day...

We have a... a fresh...

fresh...

Oh that's okay, I don't think
I'll be having the soup.

I got it.

You know... I don't think I'll
be having the soup either.

Fresh... something...

Well, I think we'll need
a few minutes anyway.

... corn!

- Corn soup?
- Corn soup.

- Is it fresh?
- Very fresh.

I'll give you a few minutes.

I think that guy's in my
gender issues of the wild west class.

- So you're Matt and Grogan's lawyer.
- Yeah.

I'm doing that for
court litigation class. Pre-law.

Wait a minute, I mean,
can't you just pardon them?

What do you mean?

I mean, isn't that part of your powers?

What?

Oh I- I didn't mean to be out of line...

I hope I'm not suggesting anything unethical...

What are you gonna have?

I think I'm gonna get
the grilled vegetable plate.

You a vegetarian?

Yeah, but I eat chicken and fish.

Well, I hear they have
a wonderful mahi-mahi pot pie.

I don't know, I've never
been to this restaurant before.

Really?

Well, I guess you're
too busy running things and all.

Running what?

The school.

Running the school?

Yeah, you know... the presidency.

Yeah, I have no idea what you're talking about.

What do you think I'm president of?

The school.

Who told you that?

Well, have we decided?

What?

Have we decided?

Um yeah, I'll have the soup.

Very good.

That's a joke.

I don't get it.
What? You don't like corn?

No, I do it's...

I'll actually just have
the grilled vegetable plate.

Do you want me to hold the corn?

No, no, I like corn.

That was just a joke, because before
you couldn't remember what today's soup was.

Well, I just started working here and
it's a little bit hard to remember everything!

No, you don't understand,
I was just joking.

What do you want?

I was actually thinking,
I might try the soup.

HA, HA, HA... That's very funny!

You know, if you guys aren't happy with
the service I can call the manager.

Mr. Santos!

No really, I want the soup.

Okay, I'm stupid, alright?

I'm sorry I don't
get your private little joke.

Mr. Santos!

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

She's got a boyfriend, but
she went on a date with you?

Well, yeah. But he goes to another school so...

How long has she been with him?

I dunno. Supposedly like
four years, back from high school.

Now, he's a big boy, if I remember.

Football player?

Rugby.

Yikes!

So you're gonna be buyin' some new runnin' shoes!

You must be forgetting
that I'm a bad motherfucker.

Right, right, right...

Anyway, she says they've got one of those
seeing other people types of agreements so...

Oh! So you're playing Mr. Backdoor Charlie.

- Well, not really.
Backdoor! Man, Felix, I've seen it before.

You'll see her for a few weeks,
you'll have a great time... Probably no sex.

And then one day
she'll say she's gonna go visit...

- What's his name?
- Traci.

Tracy?

Woof... dude with a chick's name, huh?

Yeah, T-R-A-C-I.

- T- Traci with an "I"?
- Yeah!

That's tough!

Do you know what his last name is?

Shannon.

- No! "Traci Shannon"? "Traci Shannon"?
- Yeah

So not only is that name a firstie-firstie,
It's a firstie-firstie, girly-girly.

- That it is.
- That's weird.

So anyway, here's how it's gonna go.

She's gonna say, "I'm just gonna go up there for
the weekend, because I haven't seen him in a while..."

"And we're still friends."

And you're gonna say "Sure, sure, that's cool.
It's not like we're goin' out or anything"

- And then she's gonna say...
- Shut your pie-hole Zach.

- No, she's not gonna say: "Shut your pie-hole Zach"
- No, I'm saying shut your pie-hole Zach.

"ROOMMATE WANTED, MUST BE NEAT

CONTACT FREAKY REAKY AT THE MAIL ROOM."

So what's her name?

Her name is Marjorie Fontaine.

- Is she hot?
- Sensual!

Wait, wait... which one is she?

Is she the one with the
eyes on either side of her head?

- No, she's not Hammerhead.
- Hammerhead's not hot!

- I think hammerhead is kinda cute.
- That's ridiculous. Hammerhead isn't cute.

- Fellas!
- Hey! What's up my man?

Hey, Freaky, you know
who Marjorie Fontaine is.

Oh yeah!

Marjorie Fontaine is the track trotter.

Oh that's her?
Oh well now it's perfectly clear!

- Do you work out?
- Occasionally.

Well, she is at the track every day.

And I mean every single day,
just a-looping the thing!

And no matter what time you get there,
she'll already be running!

And no matter what time you leave,
she'll still be running!

- Hideous purple tights?
- I might say she's not so hideous herself...

- That's the girl?
- Yeah, so what?

Adios muchachos. Keep the peace.
Keep the peace.

See you later Mamont.

I still have no idea who she is.

Did you get her number?

- Sort of.
- What do you mean "sort of"?

Check this out.

- Wow that's fucked up.
- What? What?

- There's only six digits.
- Exactly!

- What the hell is that supposed to mean?
- Six digits? Oh yeah!

- Maybe it's her zip code
- Zip code has five numbers, asshead,

And why the hell would
she leave him her zip code?

I'm just sayin' it's possible,
I mean it's clearly not a phone line.

Maybe it's just the first
six digits of her number,

and she wants you to figure out the seventh.

What kinda goddamned maniac does that?

- Marjorie Fontaine.
- Anyway, I already tried that,

I dialed the first six, and then 1,
and then 2, and then 3 all the way to 9.

How embarrassing!

- Hey... you try zero?
- Yeah, I tried zero!

None of them worked, huh?

No, but I got the home phone number
of the guy who owns the Rick Johnson Pizzeria.

- Rick Johnson?
- Yeah.

He's an asshole!

Do you think she
did this to you on purpose?

I don't know. I mean, you don't just write your
phone number down and forget to write the seventh digit.

Maybe it's one of those love numbers.

You know, like 24, 7, 365?

Oh like she wants to be with him 24 hours
a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year?

Well, the numbers are: 21, 3, 147.

Oh so, I guess she wants to be with you 21 hours
a day, three days a week, a 147 days a year.

Yeah, lick me you little freak!

Well actually, 3 days a week would figure out
to be 156 days a year, and not 147 days a year!

Maybe she's dutch... Don't those
European phone numbers have six digits?

So basically, what you're gonna
have to do is go through this thing...

and plug in a new number in every gap
until she finally answers the phone?

Yeah.

That's grim, brother!

- Hey, how's it going?
- Hey, what's up?

- Not much.
- I thought I heard you guys over there.

- You wanna take a study break?
- I dunno, I really have to finish this.

- Can I meet you later?
- Sure.

I'm supposed to go to Emily's play tonight.
Do you want to go?

Uh... Is that that all womens' theater group thing?

Yup.

Is that gonna be any good?

It might be kind of... alternative.

What? Like... nudity?

I dunno Felix, I guess
you'll have to see for yourself.

Okay. I'll see you later.

Okay. See you.

Directory Assistance.

Unlisted.

Damn!

I can't imagine how they're
possibly gonna be able to pull this thing off.

I mean, this is a classic piece of work.
They have to be very careful not to ruin it.

Don't you think
that's a bit of a stretch?

To call this a classic piece of work?

C'mon, there've been
like six sequels to this thing!

I don't see sequels.

Well now, that's ridiculous.
Some sequels are pretty good.

Oh yeah? Like what?

"Jaws 2"...

"Splash 2"...

"Empire Strikes Back" was awesome!

"Rocky 2", he wins...

I didn't see any of 'em.

Well, you don't know what you're missing.

Yes I do. Explosions, tits and ass,

explosions, tits and ass,
explosions tits and ass...

You're just pissed because
they don't make sequels to chick movies.

I mean, who would go see...

"Mystic Pizza 2"?

"Mystic Pizza" was a good movie!

Yeah, I bet... I never saw it.

Well too bad, you
could've seen Julia Roberts naked.

She's not naked in that movie.

She sure is! Completely naked!
And she kisses Winona Ryder.

She does not!

Shh!

HA HA HA HA HAAA!

That's Emily.

You'll never get away with this,
Rex Ruthor, you'll never get away with this!

Rois Rane, there're only
ten minutes till detonation.

No one can stop me now!

No one, HAHAHAHA...HAAA.

Look!

Look, it's super-person!

It's over Rex Ruthor!

I know there's supposed to be
some sort of message here,

but... I just don't...

Shh! I'll explain it to you later!

Thanks for sitting through that with me, Felix.

A lot of guys I know would've gone
to the bathroom and never come back!

Well, there was no
mens' bathroom for this production.

I really like being with you, Felix...

But?

I don't know.

What's is it? Traci?

Well honestly, yeah.

- Any time you wanna stop...
- No I don't!

Well, it's no big deal. I mean
I'm fine with the way things are.

But Traci and I are still goin' out.

I know. I know, I'm just saying...

It's okay with me if
we both date other people.

Are you dating anyone else?

No, but I'm just saying.

Oh, okay. I mean, yeah. Sure. Cool.

He couldn't even smell it...

- Can I get you another cold one?
- Sure!

I'll be right back.

- Mathew.
- Grogan.

- Well hey, Sara!
- Hey Matt!

- Grogan is so funny!
- Yeah.

Hey, sounds to me like you... like him.

Well...

Wow, you and "garbage-dick"...

- That's great, I mean he was just saying that-
- Wait. What did you say?

I was just sayin' how "garbage-dick"
told me he thought you were kinda...

- "Garbage-dick"?
- Yeah.

Oh, no no! I mean, it's no big deal,
I mean it was at least a year or two ago anyway.

Wait, what does that mean?

I wouldn't worry about it.

Besides, everyone wears
condoms these days, right?

Hey, Hi Billy, Hi!

For you.

What?

Hey, what's up? How you doin'?

- Oh hey Zach!
- Hi Zach!

You haven't seen Felix around, have you?

He was here...

I think he left.

Okay. Thanks.

See ya!

- We gotta get outta here.
- Why does he want to meet you here?

I don't know, that's what he said!

This is ridiculous!

Alright. Here's what we're gonna do.

I'll tell him that you felt sick, and
that you went home and to just go there.

- He's here!
- Who? Thunder or Firefly?

Thunder.

Shit!

Wait... which one is that?

Traci - Thunder, Felix - Firefly?

Alright, let's get Thunder and get outta here.

and then...

Let's lose the nicknames.

- Hey!
- Hey!

I'm so psyched you're here!

Yeah, I'm glad I got in touch with
you before you went out for the night.

Oh, Yeah. Me too.

I thought you were busy this weekend.

Well I was, but my rugby game got canceled.

So I've got tomorrow off.

Let's get outta here.

Let me get my bag.

Hey, how you doin'?

I'm doing well, thank you!

I had a good time...

- I'm ready.
- Trace, you remember Felix, right?

You're that guy who hugged me.

Uh... yeah.

- Nice to see you.
- Hey!

Right, well... I'm actually takin' off
right now. I just wanted to say hello.

See you later.

Okay. See ya!

Suze... Keep that guy away from me.

I think he's... what do you call it?

Gay!

I really have a lot to do today, so...

Uh yeah, I should probably get outta here.

Yeah.

Let's have brunch sometime.

Oh! That'd be great.

Uh... do you have my number?

It's in the book, right?

Yeah, right.

So, I'll just get it from there.

Cool.

All I'm sayin' is, it was
a sticky situation last night.

Are you gonna call her?

Jennifer Montgomery?
She said we'd have brunch sometime.

- I'm talkin' about Suzanne, fool!
- Ah!

Well actually, she called me. She said...

she was sorry and
she wants to see me tonight.

I guess that's a good sign.

Well, you know, I couldn't care less!

I totally believe you.

Alright, hotshot, enough stalling.
Are we gonna do this?

I dunno...

Maybe I should just go home, dial the rest of
the numbers. She's bound to answer eventually, right?

How many calls have you made?

- Twenty.
- And how many possible phone numbers are there?

- Eighty.
- So you've only done 20 out of 80?

Have you ever dialed twenty
wrong numbers in a row?

No.

It's embarrassing!

As embarrassing as hiding behind
these bleachers, you quivering pup?

Okay, let's do it!

Alright.

Have you ever seen "Mystic Pizza"?

I thought that was a chick's movie.

It is.

But I've heard it's pretty good.

There!

Marjorie Fontaine.

That's her?

I have seen her before.

Damn, boy!

Get that number!

This is ridiculous!
Maybe we should run or something.

I'm not runnin'!

- C'mon!
- Nah I don't wanna run!

She's gonna be comin' around again
and we're gonna be standin' right here!

Please!

As a man!

Alright, ponch. But only
because I like your smile!

- Alright, say something to her.
- No man, shut up!

Hey Marjorie!

- Shut up!
- What?

- Goddamn... this is pathetic!
- Let's get outta here.

C'mon Zach! All you
have to do is start waving...

when she comes around the bend,
so she's got enough time to see you.

Wave!

See? There you go!

Now just ask her for
her number when she gets here.

Hey Zach, call me sometime!

Goddamn!

This is bullshit!

I'm gettin' her damn number!

That's the spirit!

You better do it soon though,
she's headed for the womens' locker room.

Unless of course, you wanna
stick around and wait for her to come out.

So she thinks you're stalking her.

Creepy!

NO! MARJORIE!

- How many phone numbers?
- Eighty.

Hey Zach, call me sometime!

I'm your lawyer.

I'm here to get you off.

Okay, these are the facts
according to the security report.

The back door was
wide open when security got there.

Sensing danger, security officer Reese
entered the building, heard some noises,

and followed those noises into the kitchen.

Upon reaching the kitchen area,

the officer found two unidentified
perpetrators in front of the refrigerator.

- dressed in pink blouses and hats...
- Matt's guilty

with this sort of luncheon
meat stuffed in their mouths.

Would you two cut it out?

He's messin' with my psyche!

This guy's nuts!

No nuts is thinkin' you can smuggle
an industrial sized tub of pancake mix

out of the cafeteria in your pants, Jumbo!

I was gonna give that
pancake mix to some local orphan boys.

What, were you gonna fatten them up,
so you could eat 'em, you monstrous pig?

He pissed in the parmesan cheese!

I demand a separate trial!

Shut up, both of you!

Matt, go sit over there!

You guys could be in big trouble!

The judiciary board is considering
suspending you for the rest of the semester!

This is a serious offense!

Eating ice cream?

Now it's possible that I may be
able to get you a reduced sentence.

The board looks very favorably on honesty,
so you have to be honest with me.

They think there's a third guy.

"A third guy"

They found the back window open.

I dunno what you're talkin' about.

I don't think that you two are
smart enough to pull this off alone.

So talk!

You see, right now,
you're lookin' at murder one

So I strongly suggest
you start singin', my fine friend!

I didn't do nuthin'!

Alright, have it your way!

Give my regards to
Leon the birdman up in the state pen...

I hear he likes his turkeys plump!

Alright... Alright, I'll talk!

I stashed the body up in
Beggar's Canyon, in the old mine shaft.

But I want witness protection!

Hey! We'll set you up in an
entirely different part of the campus!

No, no, no. No name, no grades, no book bag!

- Don't push me!
- No book bag, no deal!

You hear that counselor? No book bag, no deal!

Cruncha, cruncha, cruncha...

went the boot in the snow...

Gotta huncha, huncha, huncha...

there's more than we know...

Pandas bearing down on us...

Nowhere for us to go...

WATCH IT!

Really Felix, I wanna explain.

What's to explain?
I know you go out with another guy.

I guess it's just the way
it's gonna be, right? Right.

I didn't know he was coming.
He was gonna surprise me.

Yippee!

I said I was sorry.

Okay. So let's just put it behind us, alright?

Besides, if I hug him again
I'm gonna have to ask him to the prom.

You ready for the big trial?

Yeah, I guess so. Your pals
aren't being very smart though.

The board has latched on to this
third guy thing and they're not giving up.

They want a name.

Maybe there is no third guy.

Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Emily Cooper.

Whoo!

C'mon give her a chance. She's not that bad.
How many of y'all like to party 'cause...

I am gonna rock you tonight, alright!
Cooper university... Whoo!

Do you have any protection,
Mr. I-wanna-have-sex?

- Uh... no.
- I do.

You do?

The inside kind? Or the outside kind?

The outside kind.

The outside kind for me?
Or the outside kind for you?

I've got condoms, Felix!

Oh, well that's what
I thought, I just wasn't sure.

They're in the drawer.

What would be
the outside kind for me?

A diaphragm.

I mean I know it's not really
outside you but, it comes from the outside.

So, it's not like the pill,

which would be the serious inside kind,
because that's just way inside you.

Shut up, Felix!

This is weird.

What's wrong?

I don't wanna do it anymore.

Why not?

It's just... not as spontaneous.

Okay, how 'bout if I leave the room...

and then I come back in, and...

we could start from there.

Felix!

Huh? Huh?

Pre-wrapped?

It's a little more spontaneous, right?

Oh no! Oh no!

Is Marjorie there?

I'm sorry, I must have the wrong number.

Hello, is Marjorie there?

I'm sorry, I must have the wrong number.

Harder.

Harder!

Harder!

- Not so hard!
- Hello! Hello, is Marjorie there?

I'm sorry, I must have the wrong number.

You guys gonna have a theme party?

Yeah. 60's baby!

Hey, you tell Suzanne to bring Emily.

I'd like to see how she
dresses for the "summer of love".

I will, if I see her.

What do you mean, "if I see her"?

I thought you guys patched things up.

Well yeah, we definitely did.

But...

I'm a little unsure as to whether or not
things are completely... "settled".

Why? 'cause of "Thunder"?

What? What's "Thunder"?

Thunder is what Emily and
Suzanne call her other boyfriend.

How do you know that?

Freaky's a mailman. Freaky knows all.

Well, why do they call him Thunder?

What do you think?
It's a pretty badass name!

Hello, is Marjorie there?

I'm sorry, I must have the wrong number.

Thunder...

You know they got a particular
nickname for the Lima Bean man too?

- Oh yeah?
- Is Marjorie there?

No? Okay, I have the wrong number.

Well, what is it?

"Firefly"

Firefly?

Yeah.

As in "Lightning Bug"!

Hello, is Marjorie there?

She is?

Hey Marjorie, this is Zach!

Hey, is that her?

Zach Streader...

I'm sorry, I must have the wrong Marjorie.

Fuck you!

Yo ask her if she'll go out with Matt!

Fuck you! Fuck you!

No, no, no. I'm not talking to you!

Fuck you, Firefly!

- Yo hang up, I'll go out with her.
- Fuck you!

Man fuck you!

Cool!

Thought they said fifties.

Hey Grogan!

Hey!

Is Matt okay?

Looks pretty good to me.

Well... does he have a girlfriend?

No no no...

No girlfriend...

He's too loyal.

What do you mean?

Well, I think he's still married.

I told Traci I was seein' someone else.

Mmhmm... what did he say?

He said he wanted to beat the guy up.

He's such a baby!

Did you tell him it was me?

No! I wouldn't tell him who it was!

I told him he was stupid!

Actually, I don't know if he's legally married.

See, he spent his last summer
in Natchez, Mississippi

Had a thing with a 12-year-old.

I shouldn't be talking about this.

Twelve?

Would you say he's bigger than I am?

Yeah, he's bigger than you. So?

What do you mean "so"?

What if we get into a fight?

You're not gonna get into a fight!

How do you know?

Because I think you're more mature than that.

What, you don't think I can fight?

I didn't say that Felix, I just
don't think of you as the fighting type.

What's up Soapy?

See, they got married and the
cops found out, and well, you know cops.

That kinda ended it. They still write, though.

Well, he writes, she's still lurnin'.

Men do not like to be told
that another man can beat them up.

It's like your daughter's bike.

You would never let you neighbor
put your daughter's bike together.

Ah it's no big deal you know, it's over.

He's not allowed into Mississippi anymore,
and she wanted to raise the kid there and...

Between you and me,
I think that's for the best.

- Hey, Spudhead!
- Hey Grogan!

Hey Julie.

Maybe I can take you.

Ow!

God!

Talk dirty to me, Felix.

What?

I don't know what to say.

C'mon, don't be so conservative!

- Oh God.
- Come on!

Okay.

Not like that!

That's gross!

What? That's dirty!

That's disgusting!
Until I have to go to the bathroom?

Well, that's not really what it means.

Look, you said "talk dirty" to you,
that's what I did.

That is something you do to a prostitute.

That's something you
do to Jennifer Montgomery.

You didn't think I knew, did you?

You stupid, revenge, asshole!

Jennifer Montgomery is not a prostitute.

I didn't say she was, but don't defend her!

Do you know how embarrassing that is?
That I have to see her around campus?

Did you sleep with her
that night Traci was in town?

Look, I really do not wanna get into this.

It's no big deal, I can take it.

Did you?

Yes, we had sex!

So you have sex with that prostitute,

and you wanna fuck me
till I have to go number two?

Well if that's all women are to you Felix,

then why don't you just
line 'em up and fuck 'em all?

What happened to "talking dirty" to you?

You're sexist!

Sexist? I'm a sexist?

I think you're confused...

Are you saying I'm a sexist
because I enjoy having sex?

Well I guess you'll have to ask
Jennifer Montgomery about that.

Oh, come on Suzanne, you were
having sex with your boyfriend at the time!

Well, at least I didn't just meet him
in a bar and go home with him in one night!

We've been sleeping together four years.

Oh well, that makes me feel so much better!

Look, Felix,

I'm not into playing games, alright?

Suzanne, you are still
going out with another guy!

But that's what we agreed to!

Well then, that's what I'm doing!

Hey Suze it's me Traci...
"Me llamo Traci..."

Well, you might as well
get that because I'm outta here.

Freaky!

Freaky!

Box 4-1-1-3.
Freaky!

Box 4-1-1-3.

What?

Box 4-1-1-3.

What's up, me Mexican jumping Bean?

Smooth party tonight, huh?

Yep.

So what brings you to my little
holes in the wall at this hour, 'Lix?

I dunno. I'm...
actually having some problems.

Lady troubles, eh?

Tell you what... I got just the thing.

Box 4-1-8-7.

What?

Right Four, left three, right one. Hutt!

Speedy delivery.

So, green Bean...

Traci with an "I"?

I dunno, I'm actually
starting to get into this...

relationship, if you wanna call it that.

And this guy just keeps
getting in the way. I can't...

seem to find a way around him.

The fact is, Bean pod...

If you want her, you gotta close the door...

You gotta make her want you more.

Want me more?

Yeah.

You're wittier than this cat, right?

Sure.

Coooooler than this cat, right?

Yeah.

Zippier than this cat, right?

Uh... I guess so.

Well then prove it to her, baby!

You gotta outshine this dude.

You have to eclipse him.

You gotta be the Jupiter to his Mars.

The gold to his bronze.

The wheat to his chaff.

Get some hotels on your property.

Freaky...

Gots to go, Beano!

Keep the fig, man!

Catch you later.

Oh, Freaky!

Sorry about that, Felix.

Oh! I thought this was practice!

Yeah well I couldn't let the beginner
get away without a bit of punishment, right?

Oh yeah?

I'll get you for that, Greg.

Vengeance, eh?

That's right. I'm gonna teach
your grandmother how to swim, bitch!

That's good, you're getting it!

Thanks!

I guess I need a little coaching
in the trash talking department though, huh?

Well Felix, you see... the art of trash talking's
used to intimidate the opponent, right?

Will you guys please think about your future?

Now you have 15 minutes
before you're in front of the judge.

I really might be able to
get you guys off with just probation.

Besides that streaking thing,
this is basically your first offense.

But you have to tell me the truth.

Who was the third guy?

You guys, you don't even
have to tell the judge!

I'll take full responsibility
for seeing that you guys get a break!

I'll give him the name!

Well...

We can't tell you...

But...

Hey! Everyone ready for the big trial?

I'll see you in the courtroom.

Hi, how you doin'?

Fine. How are you?

I'm fine, how are you?

What are you doing here, Felix?

I dunno, it's just that...
last night was kinda messed up.

Felix! I really can't
talk about that right now!

This trial... Matt and Grogan are-

What are you wearing?

Okay, look...

I've gotta tell you something.

I'm goin' home for the weekend.

You need to tell me
you're going home for the weekend?

Yeah. But it's no big deal.

Well, why would it be a big deal?

Well, it's not. That's what I'm saying.
I just need some time to think. I don't...

I've gotta go. The trial's about to start.

Okay, then I'll
call you over the weekend.

No, don't call me.

Why can't I call you?

Just don't Felix, I'll see you Sunday.

Hey, you scab!

What?

What do they pay you to
sell out your fellow students, huh?

It's actually for credit.

Pre-law class?

Pre-law class.

Hey!

You ever heard of Suzanne McKenna?

Of course! She's in my class.

Yeah? Well, she's gonna kick your ass!

You guys were caught red-handed!

Oh yeah?

Well, she's gonna kick your ass!

Okay.

How you guys doin'?

I don't know.

Why don't you ask our lawyer?

Maybe you guys should cool it a bit, huh?

Why?

Suzanne's an awesome lawyer!

Maybe you've heard of
"Brown vs. Board of Education," 1954?

"Ali vs. Frazier," 1972?

"Earth vs. The Spider," 1958.

"Kramer vs. Kramer," 1979.

Shut up!

It's a movie.

Anyway, we came up
with a foolproof plan...

that'll definitely inspire
Suzanne to bust us out of this joint.

What was that?

We- we just told her Felix was in on it!

See, now that she knows
that Felix was the third man...

She'll definitely get us off.

Maybe that wasn't a good move.

Are you kidding?

See, she gets us off,
and nothing will happen to Felix.

She's not gonna let us lose!

You guy were caught red-handed.

Why does everyone keep saying that?

Good luck!

Oyez, oyez.

The Judicial Board is now in session.

Dean Hedgepeth presiding.

All rise.

Be seated.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen,
let's get started.

This morning's case is

The Students vs. Matthew Fister
and Bartholomew Grogan

Is the prosecution ready?

Yes, your honor.

Is the defense ready?

You know it!

I was asking your counsel Mr. Fister!

She's ready too.

Actually, your honor...

The defense is not ready.

Sir, a conflict of interest has arisen
between the defendants and myself.

Therefore I cannot competently
and of clear mind defend them.

I ask to be taken off the case.

You're recusing yourself
on the day of the trial?

Yes, your honor. I'm sorry.

You shouldn't have told me that.

Miss McKenna! Miss McKenna!

Alright, alright. Settle down, settle down.

This is an unusual set of circumstances.

Your honor I demand a mistrial...

and further move to annul the contender that
the charges against the defendants be dropped.

I second that motion, your honor, visu visu...

and ask that all prior statements
be stricken from the record.

Corpus Christi.

Okay, okay. That's enough.

Gentlemen, we have several
cases to get through this morning.

So in light of these unique circumstances
I'd like to make the following proposal.

Since your lawyer has
excused herself from this trial...

You have the option
of representing yourselves,

or being represented
by the court-appointed alternate.

Your honor, may I have
a moment to confer with Mr. Grogan?

By all means.

Shut up! No...

Gentlemen?

Your Honor...

We're prepared to defend ourselves.

Splendid.

Upon entering the kitchen,
I turned the lights on.

And I noticed the defendants
standing in front of the refrigerator,

with their mouths full of food.

Thank you, officer.

Your honor, no further questions.
The defense may now cross-examine the witness.

Not to worry, kid.

I know how to handle this guy.

Officer Reese...

Isn't it true that you were
on duty on the night in question?

That is correct.

And isn't it also true that the
back door of the cafeteria was left unlocked?

That's correct.

Officer, did you or did you not order the code red?

What?

Did you or did you not order the code red?

Mr. Fister!

Your honor, I want the truth!

You can't handle the truth!

- That's enough!
- Mr. Prosecutor, you are out of order!

Mr. Grogan

You are out of order.

Please your honor...

I ask for the court's indulgence.

A wise man once warned that...

He who represents himself
has a client for lawyer...

and a lawyer for a client.

Now, what we need to determine here is...

What is the truth?

And what is the lie?

- Hey! Hey!
Why, that man's not paralyzed!

And if that man is not paralyzed,

How do we know that he's a
security officer employed by this university?

Yes!

- D-do something!
- Hold it right there!

This court finds you guilty as charged.

As punishment for your crime...

You will each serve
500 hours of community service.

Your honor...

Does that mean we have to
do like an hour a day for 500 days?

You can break it up any way you wish.

Oh, could we do then, like...

500 hours in one day?

Next case!

So the thing she needed to tell you
was that she was going home for the weekend?

That's what she said.

And this was after you guys got in the fight?

Well, Firefly...

I think I hear some Thunder.

I thought he was gay!

Believe me, he's not!

Well, what does that mean?
Did you fuck him?

No!

Are you sure?

Traci!

Hey, I thought you
were seeing Suzanne McKenna!

I am.

So where is she tonight?

- Hey!
- Hey!

- Hey!
- Hey...

Ah, I'm gonna go get a beer.

Well...

We were right. She's definitely with Traci.

How do you know?

I asked Emily.

She told you?

No.

But she hesitated.

She hesitated? Are you sure?

I'm sure as shaving cream!

She blinked, Felix!

It's a liar's blink. I watched her, man!

She just stood there... blinking.

She's alone! I swear!

This is a train wreck, buddy.

Fuck!

Get off!

I just don't like you seeing other people!

Well, neither do I!

Well, maybe we should stop, then.

Stop seein' other people?

Yeah.

Okay.

Well only if that's gonna
be okay with Felix, of course.

Suzanne?

No, it's fine.

I love you, Suzanne.

Traci...

I don't know.

Ooh! I bet she's
got a lot of spies out tonight!

Aren't you worried?

Worried about what? We're just talking.

Well, look what happened
the last time we were just talking.

Let's have brunch sometime.

Oh, that'd... be great.

Do you have my number?

Well, it's in the book, right?

Yeah, right.

Ladies.

Are you kidding? This is popcorn.

Community service! I'm so scared!

Community service.

Here we go again.

Goodbye.

Jesus.

You guys doing that for credit?

Actually, Matt and Grogan
are doin' it for community service.

So, how was your weekend?

It was good!

How was yours?

Fine.

Really? What'd you do?

Where did you say
you were again this weekend?

I told you, I went home.

Oh, that's right, that's right.

Why? Did you talk to Emily?

Did I talk to Emily about what, Suzanne?

I was gonna tell you before I left.

Tell me what?

You're a jerk, Felix!

Am I missing something?

Traci was with me this
weekend at my parents' house.

I know.

I know you know!

I know you know I know!

Were you gonna tell me?

Yeah!

- I don't know, I just...'N- Why so sneaky?

I mean, we are seeing other people after all.

I know! I'm sorry!

I was just pissed off about
that Jennifer Montgomery thing.

What Jennifer Montgomery thing?

"What Jennifer Montgomery thing"

Perhaps you don't remember a couple of weeks ago when you banged her?

Look, this is about
Traci, not Jennifer Montgomery.

He told me to break up with you.

Is that what you're doing?

No.

I broke up with him.

Huh.

Not just because of you.
It was just time, I think.

Well that really changes everything.

No, I don't want it to change everything.

Well, it does.

But it shouldn't!

So then... you wanna
continue to see other people?

No, of course not Felix,
I just broke up with Traci!

Why? Do you?

No, I don't!

Okay. Then you and I will
stop seeing other people officially,

Starting right now!

What did you do this weekend?

Did you guys hear Zach got the number?

Oh! you got it?

It was a seven in the 6th spot.

Damn!

I was gonna guess that! Shit!

Gimme the grubby details.

So, I call her...

and she says, "Let's go to dinner."

Where'd you go?

Leather Fish.

Ooh! Mr. Ritzy pants!

The conversation was good, right?

We're drinking, we're laughing...

You get any action?

Well wait, right?

After dinner, we go for a drink at The Jug.

After an hour there, we're both
feelin' pretty good.

Things are lookin' very promising, alright?

I mean she's getting really close to me...

I mean, really close!

She's like this close.

I get the point.

I could've leaned out to kiss her at any time.

But you didn't kiss her?

I didn't wanna kiss her in a public place.

What? Like, on the face?

- Alright. So you walk her home?
- So I walk her home.

Did you hold hand?

I don't hold hand.

- Me neither.
- Me neither.

So anyway, we're standin'
outside her doorway, right?

We're both sayin' how good a time we had.

And so I lean in to kiss her.

And?

And she does the ostrich-neck-pullback thing.

Oh! No, no, no!

Did you make contact?

I was goin' in, I kept goin' in and I kissed her.

But she gave me the limp lip.

Maybe she was just nervous!

About what?

Well, maybe she liked you so much...

and she was so nervous
about being with you that she...

literally went into a deep lip freeze.

It happens to me all the time.

So anyway, as she's going into her house,
she looks at me and she actually says...

"Hey Zach...

...call me sometime."

The campus cops are
really great though, aren't they?

Great at eating donuts!

That is so true, baby, that is so true!

But I don't know...

I'm pretty picky
when it comes to eating donuts.

I only like the chocolate ones, the jelly filled
ones, the sugar ones and the cinnamon ones.

You gotta love them donuts,
you just gotta love them donuts.

But seriously, I went to Catholic school
and it was really strange because...

there were all these nuns running around,
and none of them were married.

Gooey... chocolate... donut

What's the matter, baby?
Did you have a bad dream?

Oh... No Sean, I'm okay.

Aw, Freaky'll make it all better.

Let me get you a glass of water baby, hmm?

Or maybe Freaky can find you a donut...

Cause I know you like the chocolate ones,
the jelly ones, the honey dipped ones?

Yeah, that's funny!

Alright, everybody, listen up!

We've got three new games
on the schedule this month.

We're playing Alexander, Peck and BC.

- THOSE ARE ALL PUSSY TEAMS!
- YEAH!

Alexander and BC are on the road.
We're playing Peck here next weekend.

Hey didn't BC kick
the fuck out of us last year?

Yes they did.

- THEY'RE ALL PUSSIES!
- YEAH!

Alright, any of you new fellas who
don't have jerseys yet, talk to Malarkey.

MALARKEY'S A PUSSY!

Christ, you don't have to
raise your hand, Felix!

Oh... Okay.

Are we playing
Peck University Peck University?

Yeah, that's right.

- PECK'S FUCKING PUSSIES!
- YEAH!

Alright, anyone else?

Okay, then, we're running to the reservoir.
Last one back has to eat a spoonful of mud!

LET'S GO!

Maybe you'll get injured.

I'm not afraid of the guy.

But I've seen this guy, Felix.

He's gotta be 6'5, 220 pounds.

Now I'm no carnival employee but
you couldn't be more than 150 pounds.

And how tall are you? 5'5? 5'6?

I'm 5'9.

Felix, rugby is a full contact sport.

It's a sport which not only allows...

but actually encourages one player to
legally kick the crap out of another player.

You got on the rugby team because you
wanted to show Suzanne you're as tough as Traci.

No, that's really not the case.

That is so the case.

Okay, so it is the case.

But by virtue of being on that team
you're now about to get your ass handed to you!

By the very guy you were
tryin' to prove you're as tough as.

Are you not struck
dumb by the irony of this?

You familiar with Johnny Cash?

The man in black?

He wrote a song called "A Boy Named Sue."
You know what that song's about?

Is it about a boy named Sue?

That's right wiseguy...

It's about a deadbeat dad who has a son
and he wants him to be a tough motherfucker.

So he names the boy Sue,
'cause he knows with a name like that...

The kid'll get into a fight
every single day of his life.

Sure enough, kid turns out to be
a big, nasty, prick!

Only problem is that he turns out
to be such a nasty prick, that he...

hunts down his deadbeat father
and he shoots him in the face!

For naming him "Sue" in the first place.

I don't think that's
how the song really ends.

Well, don't you worry about it,

because somehow,
somewhere about 20 years ago,

this guy Traci's psychotic
parents had the same idea.

So I'm afraid, Felix, what you have
on your hands is tough, Traci Shannon.

A guy with not only two first names,

but two girl's first names!

The guy who's the meanest, baddest,
toughest guy in the east and he's gonna unload...

Fifteen plus years of
mental torture on your sorry ass!

You're enjoying this.

I admit... It amuses me.

But I've got a plan.

A way out of this...
But it's not easy.

Lay your arm on the end of this table.

What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna break it!

Please!

Felix, your only choice is to quit.

Easy, la tigra... I'm not gonna quit.

So you're just gonna let
this guy beat you up in public?

In front of the whole school?

In front of Suzanne?

Everyone's gonna be
showin' up to see one thing,

to see you fight this guy.
And you're gonna get walloped!

- Walloped?
- Walloped!

Gimme the arm, Felix!

Welcome to Rick Johnson's Pizzeria.
May I help you?

Uh... yeah, I'll have...

I'm sorry, just a moment.

Rick Johnson's Pizzeria,
Rick Johnson speaking.

That's two large Rick Johnsons, one...
Rick Johnson's curly fries and a Rick Johnson shake?

Twenty minutes.

Dominco!

Order to go.

Si, Senor Johnson.

May I help you, ladies?

Yeah. I'll have a Rick Johnson with broccoli...

- A... Rick Johnson-
- Dominco, order to go!

I'm sorry.

A Rick Johnson with broccoli,
a Rick Johnson side salad and a shake.

We don't serve "shakes".

The guy on the phone just ordered one.

He ordered a Rick Johnson shake.

Alright...

I'll have a Rick Johnson shake, please.

And for you?

Um... I'll just have a...

Rick Johnson side salad, a Rick Johnson
dill pickle and a Rick Johnson salsa water.

Very good.

Take a seat, I'll have
Rick Johnson bring it out to you.

So, what's up with Freaky?
Have you called him?

What?

Jesus Christ, it was one night!
It's not like we're going out.

Okay, I was just asking!

I'm sorry, it's just...

I actually like the guy.

But...

He gets into your dreams.

Pickles.

What's the deal with Felix?
I mean, this whose rugby thing is just crazy!

I know!

Isn't it bizarre?

But I think it's kinda
sweet though, you know?

That he's trying to impress me?

Well what did Traci say?

About what?

About the game.

What game?

The rugby game, Suzanne?

What rugby game?

Even if you buzzed my arms and legs off
with a high powered chainsaw and left me for dead...

I would find a way to drag my bloody
stump of a body onto that field Saturday.

I am playing in that game!

Goddamn it!

Promise me you won't hurt him, Traci!

Well, you know a promise like that would
compromise my integrity as a rugby player.

Traci!

Suzanne!

I am going to play!

You're not playin' in that game on Saturday!

Hi, Suzanne!

You're not playing in that game!

Suzanne, don't worry about-

Shut up, Felix! You don't know
what you're getting yourself into!

I can take care of myself!

Traci is gonna kill you!

What happened to your arm?

Nothing.

- What do you mean, nothing?
- Ow!

Look at that bruise!
Did you get that playing rugby?

No.

You should have told me about Saturday.

I didn't wanna make a big deal out of it.

It's just another game.

Oh, just another game?

And how many games
have you been in so far?

None.

I want you out of that game on Saturday.

I don't think you understand.
I can't! I'm on the team.

Felix, I think you're very macho, okay?

I think you're much more macho than Traci.
I really mean that, okay?

This has nothing to do with that.

I just want to play rugby, that's it. I-

Bye, Suzanne.

- Hey, Greg.
- Hey, Felix.

Hey what's this I hear about
you and some Peck check?

It's nothin'!

Where'd you hear about that?

Hey look, Felix, you know if you want
out of this game on Saturday, it's okay by me.

I'm playing on Saturday.

Good.

This fella has a female's name anyway.
How tough could he be, right?

Felix, you got a grudge match
with some fuckin' Peck squid?

Yeah.

You're gonna fuck him up, huh?

Uh... Yeah!

Hey, I didn't know
you were dating Suzanne McKenna.

Yeah, I am.

She's hot!

Thanks!

I mean, yeah she is!

Who's that guy in Peck?
Her old boyfriend?

Yeah.

Are you gonna bust his ass?

Uh... yeah.

I'm gonna kill him!

We're gonna sack his crack! Yeah!

It's bumpy over here, it's bumpy there,

That was attached.

Look, Alaska is cold, Antarctica is cold.

They were attached.

- See look at it. Hot.
- Hot.

- So?
- They were attached!

Exactly!

- You got it?
- I got it.

- Mystic pizza.
- Yeah!

Are you sure
Winona Ryder's in this movie?

Suzanne called.

When did she call?

About a minute ago.
I told her you'd be right back.

Ah whatever. I'm not calling her,
I've heard what she has to say.

So you're telling me, we get to see
Julia Roberts naked in this movie?

That's what I heard.

- Full frontal?
- I don't know.

It just doesn't make any sense!

She's too big a star.

Well, you can be a big star and do nudity.

You know if it's a great
piece of work, one of the classics.

Like what?

Wizard of Oz.

I'd go see a nude Wizard of Oz.

I was in a nude production
of Wizard of Oz in high school.

Played the tin man.

You don't know the full meaning of the
Lollipop Guild till you've seen 2 dozen naked midgets.

That was "Do you feel strange" by Boom Hank here on Cooperzone W-C-O-B WCOB

Joining me now is Dan Fey
of the Cooper University rugby team.

- Who's Dan Fey?
- How you doin' Danny?

- I dunno
- Hey dude, great.

I hear we got a good game shaking up on Saturday.

Oh, hell yeah!

Our starting right wing,
Felix Bean, has personally promised...

to kick the ass of one of the Peck chumps.

- You did?
- The guy's name is Traci or something like that.

- He's gonna kill you!
- Rugby player named Traci, huh?

You know what they say about the guyses with the girls's names?

- No I don't.
- Well show up on Saturday and find out.

Go get 'em, Felix! Make us all proud!

Up next, a new tune by Belial Sausage.

What the fuck was that about?

Well, at least there's
no way Suzanne was listening.

How do you know?

She would have called by-

- I'm not here.
- I'm not here either.

- I'm not here.
- Me either.

Greetings Earthlings. At the laser, please commence
your communication, and then take me to your leader!

That's the funniest message I've ever heard.

- Felix! Felix, pick up the goddamn phone...
- Oh shit!

- She's pissed!
- Pick up the phone, Felix!
- Felix! Felix, pick up the goddamn phone...
- Oh shit!

- She's pissed!
- Pick up the phone, Felix!

- Maybe I should pick it up.
- Felix!

- No
- I know you're there...

Oh, this is awful!

- Zach! I know you're there!
- Ha ha, Zach!

Felix, I heard the radio declaration,.Great job!

- Hang up for God's sakes!
- Pick it up, Felix!

Alright, fine! Call me the second you get in!

Alright! Hey, crank up the movie!

- Yeah!
- You're safe now, son.

And you're sure Winona Ryder's in this flick?

I'm pretty sure.

I just love dem little, naked women.

I wanna hear more about
this rugby thing.

- You don't want to know!
- No c'mon, seriously, tell me!

- No.
- No, really!

Is Felix here?

Yeah.

Okay, I'm inside.

Suzanne wants to speak to you.

It's over.

You're breaking up with me?

Yeah, I'm breaking up with you!

So now one of my ex boyfriends is gonna
beat up another one of my ex boyfriends,

and I sure am sorry I'm gonna miss it!

Goodbye, Felix!

I gave you a chance and you fucked up!

- Lemme try again!
- No!

Please, Felix!

I won't just bruise it this time!

- I can break it!
- Enough with the arm!

- Hey Felix!
- Hey Greg.

I knew you'd show!
You just won me three quid!

Fuck, fuck fuck! Dollars! Dollars!

Why wouldn't I show?

What? I said you would show.

Oh, shit!

I did not think you were gonna show up.

That's right, you owe me
three bucks you fuck!

You know I'll fuckin' pay you.
I just don't have any money... right now.

- You got some balls.
- Oh yeah?

I went to hockey camp with that guy.

He's a pussy, right?

Well...

You still wanna play, right Felix?

I'm playin'!

Alright, that's good enough for me.

Alright everybody, let's ride the top!

Which one is he?

I can't see him right now.

He's in that huddle somewhere.

Oh wait.

There he is.

Which one?

He's the guy who's pointing at me right now.

He looks like a pussy.

That's her walking toward us.

She looks pissed!

Okay, Traci! I broke up with Felix,
so you don't have to beat him up now!

Why do you think I'm gonna beat him up?

We're just playing a game.

Traci, I'm not dating him anymore!

- Get lost!
- Oh, sorry!

I thought you said she broke up with him.

She did.

And she broke up with you too, right?

Right.

So I guess she's available, huh?

Okay, look. I've had enough of this!
You're not playing in this game!

Yes I am!

I'm warning you, Felix!

I'm giving you one last chance to stop this!

One last chance!

I'm playing!

Okay!

That's it!

Okay folks, I hate to break up this game.

Which one of you is Felix Bean?

Why? What's going on?

We're gonna have to take him in.

He's wanted in connection
with breaking and entering.

- Now which of you is Bean?
- Look, Officer Reese...

Felix is an important player on our team!

This is an important game!

And we really need him!

Do you suppose you could let him play
the game and you could talk to him after the game?

- Well... I really-
- C'mon officer, let him play!

Let him play!

- Yeah, Let him play!
- Let him play!

Let him play! Let him play!

Settle down!

Well, no... no way! He's coming with us.

Who's Felix Bean?

I'm Felix Bean.

No, I'm Felix Bean.

No. I'm Felix Bean.

I'm Felix Bean! I'm Felix Bean!

I'm Felix Bean! I'm Felix Bean!

Alright, alright! You're all Felix Bean!

Jesus, you're all Felix Bean!

Go ahead and play your game, already!

Higgins, go up to the office and pull
Bean's picture. We'll get him after the game.

Why didn't you take him?

He's the third man! He's the third man!

He's not going anywhere,
we'll get him after the game!

No, you have to get him now!

You have to get him now!

Easy!

We'll get him after the game!

You have to get him now,
you have to get him now...

What's up, baby?

Suzanne!

Suzanne!

Hey...

Here's your neck brace.

That is not my neck brace!

Look, if it's sympathy you want
from me, you're not gonna get it.

I'm sorry.

Too late for that!

Oh hey! Thanks for turning
me in to security, by the way.

I did that for your own good!

They should've stopped you from playing!

- Well they didn't.
- I can see that!

Did they arrest you?

- No. They felt sorry for me.
- God!

Suzanne, what do you want me to do?

What the hell are you doin' in my car?

I can't keep up with you without it.

Suzanne, I'm sorry!

Save it, Felix! I'm not interested!

No, I really mean it! I'm sorry!

Oh, you're sorry now?

After you go through all that macho
bullshit to get the crap kicked out of you?

I did not get the crap kicked out of me!

Listen to you!

You have a sprained neck, bruises on you face,
a broken arm and you're wearing a body brace!

Felix, you're wearing a body brace!

Okay, I made a mistake!
But it's not my fault!

I need you to think I'm a tough guy!
That's instinct!

I have instincts!

I have to fight the other bulls,
I have to breed and I have to protect my offspring,

I can't help it!

My God, you're insane!

C'mon Suzanne!
My God, you're insane!

C'mon Suzanne!

I think I'm just gonna
give up on men for a while.

Oh, that's good. Because I think
I can pretty much take on any woman in a fight.

Leave me alone.

- Get outta the road, shithead!
- Fuck you! Fuck you!

Felix, you're being irrational!

- Suzanne you can't do this to me.
- Fucking asshole!

Fuck you you son of a bitch!

Felix, you're out of control!

Those are the bulls!
Those are the other bulls!

Felix!

Oh shit! Felix?

- Ouch.
- Felix!

Oh I love you Suzanne!

I love you too, Felix.

- I'm sorry.
- I know you are.

I really mean it!

I know you do.

Now move over and let me drive.

Will you take me back?

Of course I will!

Now move over and let me drive!

Why?

Because I'm gonna drive us home, Felix.

Well don't you think I should drive?

Why?

Well, I am the man after all.

Move over now, Felix!

So I guess you're gonna
miss the rest of the rugby season.

Greg asked me if I'd be mascot.

Aw! Isn't that nice?

Oh I saw Marjorie at the track yesterday.
You know, the one that Zach likes?

Oh yeah!

I found out what the deal is.

Are you ready?

She really likes Zach, but...

She's already seeing some guy
who's away in Switzerland this semester.

Jesus!

Does Zach know about the Swiss mister?

Well... I told Emily so
I'm sure it got to Zach by now.

That's a safe bet.

So are you servicing the
community with Matt and Grogan today?

Nope.

They actually got stuck with the night shift.

How much garbage
can they pick up in the dark?

Shh, shh, shh!

Look! Look!

I- I think I heard somethin'!

Freeze!

Dude!