Private's Progress (1956) - full transcript

[flowing orchestral music]

[brass fanfare]

[drumroll]

[man] 1942 and Britain is at war.

Not only on the battlefield,
but on the farms and in the factories.

In the homes and in the hearts
of every one of the 52 million

men, women and children

crowded onto this island.

This precious stone set in a silver sea.

Total aggression demands total planning.

Britain's manpower available
for all purposes



is in the region of 20 million.

[drumbeats]

Industry claims 3,400,000.

Agriculture, 2,300,000.

The fighting services,

4,100,000.

And to administer this vast strength,

We need 14,730,000 civil servants.

[dramatic orchestral music]

Today, the British Army is larger than
it has ever been in its entire history.

Whitehall's records show that
the number of men serving or registered

totals 1,683,292.5.

Point five? You can't have half a man!

Certainly you can.



Don't you know there's a war on?

[whimsical woodwind music]

[cough]

Come along, let them down.

Right down. You're not a mermaid, are you?

No, sir.

Nothing to be ashamed of, my boy.

[whimsical woodwind music]

[orchestral fanfare]

[orchestral finale]

Sir! Sir!

Sir!

I'm leaving today, sir.
I'd just like to say goodbye.

Oh, dear Wilson,
I'm sorry you're leaving us.

Er… it is Wilson, isn't it?

Er, Windrush, sir.

Windrush! Yes, oh, same thing, same thing.

Let me see…

-Are you going into the Navy?
-No sir, the Army.

The Army, yes.

Well, I expect you'll end up an Air
Marshal or something, eh?

-Well--
-Of course you will, put your mind to it!

Well, I'm sorry we're losing you, but I
daresay you'll be back before long, eh?

-Well, I hope so, sir.
-Well…

Good luck to you!

-Goodbye, sir.
-Goodbye, Williamson.

Goodbye!

[soft woodwind music]

Hello, Nobby.

I'll be back for your stuff, sir,
as soon as I've seen to Mr. Egan.

Ah, thank you so much.

-So you're off, then?
-Yes.

With a bit of luck, I shall be
in Wakefield before blackout time.

-Seems a pity really, doesn't it?
-What does?

Oh… leaving all this half-finished,
as it were.

Oh, I don't know…

The Army, what's the Army?

We've done our basic stuff here in the
Training Corps. Six weeks in the ranks,

OCTU, nice commission, off to the wars,
then back here again after.

Yes, yes, I suppose you're right.

Personally, I never felt less aggressive
in my life.

Think about how you'd feel

if you suddenly saw your sister
being violated by an enormous great--

Arthur. You've never seen my sister.

-She did two years in the Land Army.
-Your mother then.

My mother disappeared 17 years ago
with a chiropodist from Luton.

Oh, I'm sorry.

No, somehow I think you'll be all right
in the Army, Egan.

-You're the right type, you know.
-So are you, Stanley!

What bothers me is we may be too late
for the second front.

Yes, that bothers me too.

Your cab's here, sir,
just by the porter's lodge.

Thanks, Clark.

Well, Stanley, see you at Gravestone.

Don't forget to report.

I shan't.

Here you are, Clark.

Thanks very much.

-Cheerio, Stanley!
-Goodbye, Egan.

What I learned in the Army
was look after number one.

That was our motto, look after number one.
You remember that, Mr. Windrush.

-I'll remember, Nobby.
-Don't you worry about us.

We shall still be here when you come back.

If you do come back, that is.

[whimsical woodwind music]

Thank you, Nobby.

[gentle orchestral music]

[explosion]

[explosion]

[tense brass music]

[explosions and sounds of falling bombs]

[sound of bombs falling in background]

-Ah, Stanley!
-Hello, Uncle Bertram.

Where's Father?

Ah, your father's up on the roof
trying out his new stirrup pump.

Probably squirting everything in sight.
Still as vague as ever, isn't he?

Erm… yes. Yes, I suppose he is.

You know, I used to warn your mother
about him.

I remember saying to her once,

I said, "Ethel," I said,

"That fellow Windrush
is half round the bend now,

heaven knows what he'll be like in 20
years." Didn't do any good, of course.

-Look at this. What's he up to with this?
-Father? Oh…

Writing his history
of the music halls, I think.

Rum sort of war job, I must say.

When are you due to be called up?

Ah, well, I have been.

-I report to Gravestone tomorrow.
-Ah, well done, young fella.

Don't call the RSM Sergeant
and you'll get on like a house on fire!

And don't forget,
war is a time for opportunity.

-No, Uncle.
-When you're missioned, get in touch.

I might be able to help you.

I'll be at the War Office,
just been posted there.

Nothing like having a friend
at the War House.

If you can't cut the red tape,
at least you can pull the right strings.

Oh, there she goes.

[air raid siren]

Well, I think we can take it your father
has driven the raiders back, my boy.

Hello, Father.

Hello, Stanley! You back?

Ooh, we kept a much longer term
at the varsity in my day, I'm sure!

I've just been called up, Father.
I did write and tell you.

Oh yes, of course, that's right.
I remember.

You're here. I thought you'd gone.

When that siren went,
you were about to do me a small service.

-Oh yeah, how much?
-Only a fiver!

Only a fiver! Huh!
Where'd I put that cheque?

[all clear siren]

-It's post-dated.
-Only 'til the first of the month.

How's my favourite niece
since she married that painter fella?

Oh, I don't see much of her these days.

I keep myself to my half of the house up
here and they keep to theirs down below.

It's better that way.

One, two, three, four, five.

-There you are.
-I'll see her on the way down. Thank you.

Goodbye, Uncle.

And don't forget what I said, Stanley!
I may be able to do you a bit of good.

Thank you, Uncle.

Yes, well don't set too much store
by what your Uncle Betram says to you.

I remember saying to your poor mother
just before she disappeared,

"Ethel," I said,

"Your brother Bertram is a bad hat."

You know he left Sandhurst under a cloud?

-How's the book going, Father?
-Oh!

Oh, quite well. Working on Harry
Champion's songs at the moment, yeah.

"Boiled Beef and Carrots", eh?

-Have you eaten, by the way?
-Not yet, Father.

I thought of going and asking
Cathy to rustle up something.

Well, that reminds me, I…

I couldn't say too much
in front of that fella Betram.

I'm not at all happy about your sister.

-Oh, really?
-Yeah, she's got mixed up

with a very seedy crowd.

She's grown quite peculiar.

[soft piano music]
[hubbub of conversation]

Mind, Irving.

Here you are, darling,
one of our black market specials.

I did introduce you, didn't I?

This is Gerald, and that's Pat.

-I've known these two bounders for years.
-Have you? That's wonderful!

They're trying to sell Philip's latest
painting, the one everyone says

is exactly like Picasso,
only rather more profound.

Last time they were selling something
like a Rembrant, only not so old.

Yes, the Captain kindly introduced us
to a wealthy American.

It has such a wonderful plastic feeling.

The Ministry have asked me for another

on the emotional response
of a civilian in war.

Really? How wonderful.

I think it's absolutely lovely.
I mean, it has such a sense of form…

Hello, what are you doing here?
Been chucked out?

Oh, no, no, I…

I'm going into the Army.

Oh, what do you know?

Our Stan in the Army, eh?

[woman] Stanley!

Stanley, darling!

Stan's been called up, Kath.

Oh darling, what a bore for you.

Phil dear, go and get him a drink quickly.

Will they commission you,
or will it be sordid?

Oh, I daresay, but well,
I really don't know.

Sidney, my poor brother's
going into the Army.

Oh, I was in it myself for a time.

Ghastly!

I just really couldn't be bothered
answering that trumpet they kept blowing.

-Here you are, Colonel.
-Thank you.

Now, come along, darling,
I want you to meet everybody.

[laughter in background]

This is my brother, Stanley. Gerald, Pat.

Delighted, my dear chap.

-He's going in the Army tomorrow.
-I hope not the Military Police.

Officially missing since the
Battle of France, aren't you, darling?

You're not drinking!
I'll get you something.

My friend at the Ministry told me
that some of these Nazi Generals

have private collections worth
millions. France, Belgium, Holland…

They took the pick of the art of
Europe and salted them away in Germany.

Have they really?

[air raid siren]

Refill, everybody!

That's our rule when the siren goes.

-I say, what's in this?
-Just everything.

You won't get things like this
where you're going.

Good luck.

[Stanley splutters]

[brass military fanfare]

Just look at these geezers!

Have you ever seen a shower like this come
in? All dressed up like sacks of potatoes!

You'd think they were working their
tickets, not first day of call up!

Car broke down!

Got lost in London, I ask you!

Er… Gravestone Camp?

-Report to Guard Room.
-Thank you.

All right, first thing:

collect your bedding, kit you out,
and take you down your quarters.

Right, pick up your bags.

Right turn!

[distant shout]

Another one. Where'd you come from?

-I'm frightfully sorry--
-You don't have to be sorry!

It's my bleeding heart you're breaking!
What's your name?

Windrush.

With that name,
you should've been early instead of late!

All right, fall in behind.

Get those glassy eyes out in front of you
and stand up straight! Men, march!

[drumbeats]

Hello Egan!

Stop talking! You're in the Army now,
Windbag!

[brass march music]

Left, right, left, right!

Bring up that step!

Left, right, left!

[hubbub of voices]

Right! Attention!

[door opens]

Present and correct, sir.

Thank you, Sutton. Sit down, all.

All you people have been in the
Senior Training Corps at a university,

so there's no need for me to tell you
that the ultimate object

of the trained soldier
is to kill the enemy.

The enemy we face today
is a particularly ruthless one.

Let us make no mistake about that.

We British are a peace-loving people.

Our national game is cricket,

and when we play cricket,
we expect fair play.

We stick to the rules,

and our sympathies are always
with the underdog, the little 'un.

In time of war,

we have to put those kind of ideas aside
for the moment,

because the enemy does not play cricket.

He abides by no rules whatsoever.

I can tell you there's no mode
of frightfulness he won't employ.

What we have to do therefore,

what we have to do is to show the enemy
that when it comes to frightfulness,

we can be pretty frightful ourselves!

Come on, you miserable objects!

Hold yourselves up!

Left, right, left, right, left!

Left!

Get those arms up!

Left, right, left, right, left!

Left, right, left, right, left, and don't
look at me, I'm not Betty Grable!

En garde!

Remember, Windrush, I want to see your
killing face. I want bags of noise. Right?

Right, charge!

[soldiers shout]

[descending orchestral music]

Having trouble?

Now, catch it!

[upbeat military music]

Catch it, man!

Come at me! Come on!

[music goes louder]

Oof!

Get up, man, get up!

[steady music]

[music fades]

[clock ticks]

[melancholy orchestral music]

[lilting orchestral music]

[music comes to an end]

Two cups of tea, two sausages and chips.

One and six.

[upbeat piano music]

-Next, please.
-Thank you, love.

Table over here.

All this exercise certainly gives you
an appetite!

I feel I could eat a horse!

You're probably going to, Arthur.

[Egan laughs]

-Jolly good for you though, this training.
-I suppose it is, really.

All this… well, spit and polish…

After all, polishing the nails on one's
boots does seem a little far-fetched.

You don't get the point, Stanley.

An army can't be just a collection
of individuals, you know.

Everybody has to obey orders,
whether they seem foolish or not.

Pass the sauce, will you?

Thanks.

These sausages were cooked in axel grease.

Mine are jolly good!

I can't help feeling a lot of
the routine's unnecessary.

Look, the British Army
isn't run by idiots.

When you examine it, you'll find
the system's intelligent enough.

There's a reason for everything!

I'll have that if you don't mind!
Sure you don't want it?

Positive.

-[bugle call]
-[rainfall]

[yawning]

[groaning]

Wakey, wakey!

Rise and shine!

Come on, get out of it, you lazy lot!
Up there, man!

Excuse me, Corporal.

-Can you tell me where to get medicine?
-Want to go Tom and Dick, do you?

-I beg your pardon?
-Sick.

Oh no, not really, I…

I just thought I'd go to the
MI room and get a pick-me-up.

Oh really?

Turn it up, will you? What's your name?

Wind- er, 431, Windrush.

-What rush?
-Er… W-I-N-D--

Wind?

That's a right name to go sick with!

Report to Company Office,
see the orderly Sergeant.

Now, come on, you lot! Up you get!

That man up!
Stop scratching your eyeballs out.

[lively woodwind music]

[solemn trumpet music]

[Stanley clears throat]

Name?

-Windrush, Sergeant.
-Going on sick report?

No, I only wanted some medicine,
that's all.

Report here 800 hours, small kit in
your haversack, greatcoat worn.

Put the rest of your stuff in company
stores, come back to see me. Clear?

Actually, I only wanted an aspirin
or something.

I woke up feeling a little fragile
this morning, Sergeant.

You what?

I… woke up feeling a little fragile.

Here, sit down.

Go on, sit down!

Sit down!

Now, listen to me, son.
You're in the Army now,

and you've put your name down
on sick report,

so you have to report sick. You can't
change your mind in the Army.

No, Sergeant.

Now, answer me a question.

-I'm not human, am I?
-No, Sergeant.

I mean, yes, Sergeant.

You'd be surprised to learn that
I've got a wife and kid?

Yes, Sergeant - no, Sergeant!

Well, I have, see?

And if my boy was old enough
to be where you are now,

I hope he'd get the same treatment,
and for why?

Because it's my job to turn a bunch of
soft, sloppy civilians into tough,

well-trained fighting soldiers, who do
as they're told and don't ask questions!

And another thing, you're going
to be an officer, aren't you?

That means you've got twice as much
to learn.

Okay?

-Yes, Sergeant.
-Right. Hop it!

[door closes]

[door opens]

What is it now?

Would you be kind enough to tell me
what the small kit consists of?

Small kit?

Knife, fork, spoon, razor, shaving brush,
toothbrush, spare shirt, spare socks,

drawers, cellular, PT vest,
shorts, gym shoes,

housewife and contents thereof.

-Clear?
-Oh…

Quite.

[whimsical woodwind music]

[door closes]

Fragile.

[Jeep engine]

-[coughing]
-[rainfall]

How long do they keep us waiting out here?

'Til the MO gets here, chum.

How long will that be?

Bound to be late this morning, isn't he?
On account of the rain.

Look out, here he comes.

[door opens]

-Good morning, sir.
-Morning.

Bring them in.

All right, in you come.

Leave your kit on the bench over there.

[coughing]

In a line over here.

All right, first one.

Windrush.

Well?

When I woke up this morning,
I wasn't feeling quite myself.

-Oh?
-It…

seems to have worn off a bit now, sir.

In fact, I'm feeling perfectly all right,

except I've probably caught
a very slight--

-[Stanley sneezes]
-Cold?

-Yes, sir.
-M and D.

See the orderly.

Next!

Well?

There you are, lad, drink it down.

Could you tell me what M and D means,
exactly?

There's your M - medicine.
You get your D - that's duties -

when you report back
to your squad sergeant.

Oh.

[flourishing woodwind music]

[coughing]

Thank you very much.

[woman] "One thing I've learnt
in the Army so far is never go sick."

"Thank goodness I shan't be
at this place much longer."

"They never give you a moment's peace,

but when you're in a war,
I suppose you can't expect peace."

"Love to all, Stanley."

Poor darling!

"PS: I go up for my board next week."

-Finished with these?
-Board? He's had his board!

Daddy, you're thinking
of the medical board.

This is a selection board to find out if
he's the type to become an officer.

Lucky for your Uncle Bertram,
they didn't have boards in his day!

-Why, don't you think Stanley'll pass?
-No, he's a gentleman.

That puts him halfway there.

It's the other half Stanley
has to worry about.

[majestic fanfare]

[music fades]

Do sit down
and make yourselves comfortable.

Smoke, if you want to.

I suppose you've heard
a lot of frightening tales

about these selection boards.

While you're here,
you'll be treated as officers.

No lights out, no reveille.

Breakfast at eight, and er…

Well, we like you better washed.

[door opens]

Here's Colonel Markham,
President of the Board.

-He's going to say a few words.
-Good morning, gentlemen. Sit down.

Carry on smoking if you wish to.

Let me say, I am sure you are all
going to satisfy the Board.

All we shall be anxious to do
is to make sure

we don't get any round pegs
in square holes.

Now, you're going to be here for three
days, and during that time we hope

to find out quite a bit about you.

I shall repeat a number
of commonplace words.

I want you to give me
a quick reaction to each word

by saying the first thing that comes
into your head. Clear?

Yes, sir.

-Right.
-Wrong.

No, no, no.

Haven't started yet.

-Beer.
-Sheba.

-Coffin.
-Spitting.

No, no, no. Coffin.

C-O-F-F-I-N.

Oh, erm… Gravestone.

Mother.

Hubbard.

-Father.
-Boiled beef and carrots.

[cuckoo clock strikes]

[lively orchestral music]

[soldiers] Come on, Windrush! Come on!

Windrush! Windrush, come on!

Come on!

[soldiers shout]

That man there.

-What does he think he's playing at?
-I, er…

…think he's looking for his shorts, sir.

-Hey, Windrush, get me a peg, quick!
-Right-o.

[music goes louder and descends]

[soldiers shout]

[music goes louder and descends]

What's that man's name?

It's Windrush, sir.

[soldiers shout]

Windrush!

[shouting]

Windrush!

[shouting]

[officers whisper]

Sit down, Windrush.

Take that chair.

I have your word reactions here, Windrush.

Some of them are most interesting.

Were you ever bullied at school?

-No, sir.
-Do you play football?

-Yes, sir.
-For your school?

No, sir.

Oh, why?

I wasn't good enough, sir.

Oh, I see.

Any serious illnesses?

No, sir.

After the war, would you want to stay
in the Army?

Oh, I don't think so, sir.

Why not?

I don't really think it would suit me.

Would you stay on after the war
if you were commissioned?

-Well, I, um… er…
-Well, come along!

Yes, I'd love to.

Why do you want to become an officer?

Well, it's not that I want a higher
standard of living or anything like that.

Any of your family in the service?

Yes, sir, I have an uncle
in the War Office.

-Oh, and what does he do?
-I'm not sure, sir.

Something pretty important,
I should imagine.

[brass fanfare]

[Bertram] Oh yes, sir.

As far as training goes,
reports have been most satisfactory.

Plenty of guts and the will to win.

That's what we need these days, huh?

Yes, sir, I certainly do.

I'm quite sure it can't go wrong.

Er, before I mention names,
I think we ought to scramble.

Yes, sir, one can't be too careful.

[mysterious orchestral music]

Hello, sir?

Yes, sir.

Erm… the name of the horse is Hatrack.

He's running in the one o'clock at York,
seven furlongs. Can't miss.

By the way, you haven't forgotten
we're lunching together?

I've laid on a table at a little place
I know.

They do me quite well there, as a rule.
Quarter to one, then, sir?

Right, sir.

Goodbye.

A splendid brandy.

Thank you, Tracepursel, thank you.

You seem to have got this place
pretty well-taped.

Best luncheon I've had since '39!

Thank you. Always much more pleasant to
discuss ideas over a spot of lunch

and a glass of wine.

-Yes…
-What I was hoping for, sir,

was that perhaps you might put my plan up
to the General.

-Mm, quite, quite.
-Oh, just to get his reaction, as it were.

Yes, yes, I'm sure.

After all, the number of men involved
need not be large, provided that…

Wait a minute, here he comes.

-Your paper, sir.
-Oh, thank you.

Now, let me see. [he clears his throat]

Ah, here we are.

One o'clock, York. First, Hatrack.

100 to 8.

-14 runners.
-Splendid, Tracepursel, splendid!

An absolutely first-class job.
First-class!

Thank you, sir.

A spot more brandy, sir?

Thank you, thank you.

If you approve, this might be the moment
to put the project to the General.

So it might, so it might.

He's inclined to listen to me
most of the time.

All personnel would be carefully selected.

And strictly vetted.

I should see to it myself
that every man's hand-picked.

Capital.

[cheerful woodwind music]

[brass fanfare]

[man] Damn bad luck, Windrush.

If they'd had selection boards in my days,

I daresay I shouldn't have
got through either.

[music fades]

Damned certain of it.

I remember my brigadier used to say to me,
"Hitchcock," he said,

"You'll never be an officer while
you've a hole in your ear." Cigarette?

No, thank you, sir.

So don't be too disappointed.

Watch out for my Sergeant Major,
or he'll have you by the short hairs.

Lady here to see you about
Private Horrocks, sir.

That's him.

I really cannot be responsible for what
my company do when they're off parade.

Henry!

Henry, see to that young lady, will you?
There's a good chap.

It's about Horrocks.

It's more in your line.

I mean, you are a father too, aren't you?

[bugle call]

What was I saying?

Yes, this is a holding unit, of course.

-You know what a holding unit's like.
-No, sir.

Oh, well you'll find out.

Fellows like you set a good example.

I mean, after all, the strength of a chain
is in its weakest link,

if you know what I mean.

Er… yes, I think I do, sir.

That's the stuff.

I shall be keeping an eye on you
and expecting great things.

-All right, off you go.
-Thank you, sir.

[door opens]

[curious orchestral music]

-I'm quite sure it's his, sir.
-What makes you so certain, Miss Sugdon?

-The ginger hair, sir.
-Oh, come, come, Miss Sugdon.

That's hardly conclusive.
Why, I have a touch of red in my hair!

Yes, I know, but you've only just
come here, sir.

Yes.

Yes, of course.

Why, I suppose we'd better send
for this chap and talk to him.

What'd you say his name is?

-Horrocks, sir.
-Horrocks.

Well, she was the only one
worth looking at, you know.

So when this "excuse me" comes along,

I goes up and taps this red-headed
sergeant on the arm, you know,

and I says, er…

"Excuse me!" You know the way.
Hell of a polite like.

Is this Hut 59?

That's right, come on in.

Erm…

-Dump your kit over on that one, mate.
-Thanks.

Well, anyway…

this sergeant doesn't like it a bit,
you know?

And he starts muttering to himself.

I could see she'd had about enough of him.
I didnae take any notice.

Now, of course,

they're saying it was me!

Yeah, it's bad luck, Ginge, ain't it?

Well, it's my hobby, dancing.

I've been in two finals
at the Glasgow Locarno.

Look, you don't need to do all that, mate.
We've had our inspection for today!

Oh. Oh, I see.

-Come over here and make yourself at home.
-Oh.

Jolly nice of you.

I think I should go
and report to somebody.

-What do you want to report for?
-I should, shouldn't I?

I mean, join the others!

-Or are they out on an exercise?
-Where are the others?

Oh, let's see.

There's you and me here, Coxy.

And there's George and Dai
sweeping out the NAAFI and there's…

One, two… let's see,
six of them on Jankers.

There's Cecil and Nobby
doing their windows.

They're doing really well.

They got the nice window-cleaning job
in the town.

-They make five bob an hour.
-And Charlie in the cells.

Yeah, he's a real Charlie!

They got him for knocking off
tins of beans out the Sergeant's mess!

And the rest, well…

I think they're doing a spot of gardening
for the CO's missus.

I, myself, personally never took to her.

Well, that's your lot!

But doesn't anybody do any training?

Some of the unfortunates,
but you don't want to get on that, mate.

Blimey, it was all go today,

wasn't it, Dai?

That NAAFI manager,

I'm not kidding, he never took
his eyes off us all day long.

-What's your name, mate?
-Windrush.

-Stanley Windrush.
-Well, mine's Cox, this is Ginge Horrocks.

George.

-Dai.
-How do you do?

Pleased to meet you.
Where've you come from?

I'm sorry to say
I've just failed a course.

Sorry?

You don't want to be sorry
about that, mate.

If you failed a course,
you're not trained.

And if you're not trained you can't fight,
can you?

-They put George on a course once.
-They often puts me on 'em.

-Go on, George, tell him your system.
-It's easy.

I do the first couple of weeks,
and I scarper off for a week.

After that time,
I give myself up to the coppers.

I'll get sent back up before the CO,
seven days in the cells.

Come out, do another
couple of weeks training,

I slope off home for the week. Come
back, seven days in the nick, and so on.

Then it's about time I'm nearly due
for my privilege leave, okay?

I come back a week late off that. I'll get
another seven penneth, but the great thing

is you never finish a course, and you get
a good bit of time at home, don't you?

I see.

But… but what am I supposed to do?

Do?

-You've got to draw blankets, haven't you?
-Yes, but that doesn't take long!

Listen, mate, this is a holding unit.

When Dai drew blankets, he made it
last three days, isn't that right?

You've got to use your loaf, you know,
but don't you worry, me old Stan,

we'll find something
nice and cushy for you.

I mean…

being educated sort of limits you,
doesn't it?

[brass fanfare]

-Morning, Sergeant Major!
-Morning, sir.

Here he comes.
Now, don't forget, me old Stan.

All right.

[steady orchestral music]

Squad…

Shun!

Those already detailed off for jobs,
fall out.

Hey, you!

Yes, you! What job are you doing?

-Drawing blankets, sir.
-Ah.

[music fades]

Really quite disgraceful that this
sort of thing happens in wartime.

Every one of the new taps
has been pinched from the ablutions,

probably flogged to some local builder.

Look at these two chaps here, I've been
watching them for the last half hour.

Take it easy, me old Stan, we want
to make this job last the morning.

Oh, sorry!

Hey, you two!

Double!

I know you. What's your name?

521 Jones, sir.

You're an absolute shower!

-No doubt you think I'm a shower.
-I wouldn't like to say. sir.

Well, I would. I've got to be
to command rotters like you!

Do you know how long
you've been on the job?

No, sir.

We got so stuck into it
we lost all sense of time!

Well, I'll give you just five minutes
to finish it,

or you'll be up before me on a charge.
Get going!

-I say!
-Hmm?

-I always thought your name was Cox.
-So it is.

-Why did you tell the old boy--
-I see what you mean.

That's another thing, me old stan.
Never give an officer your real name.

In a camp this size, by the time
he's checked the name, you give him.

he's forgotten why
he's checking up on you,

or he's forgotten how
you look like anyway.

Oh no, never, never give your real name.

[plodding orchestral music]

-Hey, be careful.
-Oh, I'm sorry, guv.

[drumroll]

[music accelerates and goes louder]

[music slows, softens and fades]

Yes, sir.

Er… what time's he coming, sir?

I see, sir. Yes, yes,
I'll see that's laid on.

Yes, sir. Goodbye, sir.

[slams receiver down]

Henry!

Come in, Henry.

[door opens]

Bit of a flap on.
Just had the Colonel on the phone.

The educational officer's coming
from Div Headquarters

at three o'clock.
Got to put a show on for him.

-Crikey.
-You'll have to give a lecture.

Who, me?

But most of the company are on the range!

Can't help that. Get the Sergeant Major
to rustle up the dodgers.

Plenty of them about
if you know where to look.

But what the devil
do I talk to them about?

That's your affair. You've had
all those pamphlets from the ABCA.

Here's one of the damn things here.
What's all that about?

Something about the problems of the…
increasing birthrate.

Splendid! That should be just
up your street, Henry,

and theirs!

So, you see, it's clear.

It's quite clear,

as you can see for yourselves
by these figures, that…

despite a war in which

three quarters of the world is involved,

the fact emerges,

er, I think you'll find this, erm…

immensely interesting,

that, um…

in 1956, the…

overall population…

will be approximately 70 million…

and I mean, 70 million more than in 1941.

[Horrocks yawns]

What time do you make it, Sergeant Major?

-Just after a quarter to four, sir.
-Ah.

I really can't go on talking
on this subject indefinitely.

Call for volunteers
for a five-minute talk, sir.

Hmm, good idea.

Now, wake up, there. Pay attention!

Is there anyone here who would like to
talk about anything for five minutes?

How about you, Windrush?

Well, erm…

I could talk for a few minutes
about the stars.

Sir,

how do you get the Africa Star?

Only I haven't got a medal yet.

[shouting]

All right, that's enough of that! Now,
hasn't anybody got a sensible subject?

Well, yes, sir.

I can talk about something sensible:
the British railway system.

That sounds a good idea, Cox.
Come out here and let's hear from you.

Right.

[Cox clears throat]

Right.

Well, er… my system for the
British railways is dead simple.

You mustn't get rattled
and do something barmy.

All you want to know is how they go on.
For instance,

at my last battalion,

I used to catch the 2.05 to London from
this little station near Maidstone

where they only had one bloke on
collecting the tickets

and he had to do both sides,

so what you did was this:

You waited around 'til he was over
on the down platform

for the train what had come in at 1.58,

then you just walked over onto the up
platform as if you had your ticket!

But, er… how do you manage
at the other end, Cox?

Ah, well, now, see, you never go
all the way up to London.

You get off somewhere near,
like the Camberwell Road.

Now, there's a nasty draught that
blows right through the ticket hall there.

once again, there's
only one bloke collecting

the tickets, and because of this draught,

he only has one of the pigeonholes
open at a time.

Right, so what you do is this:

You get off the train,

you hang about a bit,

then as soon as he thinks
the train's unloaded,

he shuts up the pigeonhole
on the exit side,

and opens it up on the other side
to start issuing again!

Of course, then you just walk out casual!

Wouldn't it be better to apply for a
railway warrant in the first place, Cox?

Oh, I do, sir,

but then I always sells it to someone
who really needs it!

[dog barks distantly]

Do you really?

[Cox laughs] Yes, sir.

Excuse me, sir, may I ask a question?

Oh, certainly, yes,
if it's to do with the subject.

Oh, suppose you was going
up from here to London,

when they collect the tickets while you're
on the train, how do you go on then?

That's a very good question!

Now, you can work this dodge
with a number of blokes.

What you do is all club together
and buy tickets for two fellas,

then the rest buy platform tickets
then you go on the platform,

as if you're going to wave bye-bye,
but you get on the train.

Then, very important:

You must remember before you set out,

that you borrow an ATS cap.

I mean, ATS, any
service bird's titfer will do,

but you must have a cap from one of the
women' services. You're on the--

All right, Cox. Thank you.
Back to your seat.

Company, 'shun!

Sit down, please.

Bootle, this is Colonel Markham.

How do you do?

How do you do, sir?

Do you find these discussion periods
and lectures helpful at all, Bootle?

Oh yes, I think we all learn
quite a bit from them, sir.

Good. Now I'd like to say
a few words to you men.

I'm sure you're occasionally annoyed when
you're dragged away from your training,

which you no doubt enjoy,

to come indoors and take part
in discussions and listen to lectures,

but our job in the modern Army
is to know what's going on around us.

We need to get a clear picture of the sort
of world we're all fighting for.

[dog barks distantly]

[drunken singing]

Er, Hitch, look, I think
we'd better be going now.

I've got the Jeep out in front,
I'll drive you back.

Let me have one more.

But Hitch, it's nearly closing time now.

We'll have one more and then we'll go!

Barman!

Aye, sir?

Same again, please.

[drunken singing]

♪ There'll always be an England ♪

♪ And England shall be free ♪

♪ If England means as much to you ♪

♪ As England means to me ♪

[laughter]

Time, gentlemen, please.
Let's have your glasses.

[laughter]

[clapping]

Oh, dear…

-We'd better take you home, me old Stan.
-Coxy!

[Stanley laughs]

-Oh…
-Turning up.

Dai, come and give me a hand
with this vessel, will you?

Time, gentlemen, please!

[piano music fades]

I can manage.

[Stanley] ♪ Red, white and blue
What does it mean to you? ♪

[Stanley laughs]

Blimey, he's well away!

Now listen, me old Stan.

See if you can walk, mate, will you?

I cannot possibly walk with all of you
leaning on me like this.

Ho ho!

♪ There'll always be an England ♪

Ho! Left, right, left, right, left, right!

Get them arms up!

Bags of swank!

You're an absolute shower,
everybody's an absolute shower!

Shut up, Stan,
or you'll get us all run in!

Listen, somehow you've got to get past
that guard room under your own steam.

-Do you think you can make it?
-Certainly, whyever not?

Give me my gasporator.

All right, Dai, let him go.

By the rights…

Quick…

march!

Left, right, left, right,
left, right, left!

Now, bags of swank,

get them arms up! Left, right,
left, right, left, right, left!

Oops!

-[owl hoots]
-Oops!

-Blimey, here we go!
-[Stanley laughs]

-Here, get him up, will you?
-Leave him there!

Get inside, you lot!

[Stanley laughs]

-Coxy? Cox? Where's me old Coxy?
-Here, you.

Come here.

-Who are you?
-Come here.

Ho, ho, ho, ho! I know your type!

I…

I know your type.

You don't play the game.
You don't stick to the rules.

Pack that in! What's your name?

Ha, no you don't!

Never give your right name to anybody,
otherwise they've got you!

Come on now, what's your name?

999…

-Picklepuss.
-All right, you've asked for it.

Oh!

[Stanley blows whistle]

All right, get him inside!

[Stanley laughs]

I want to see your killing face, Sergeant!

-You will!
-[Stanley laughs]

[solemn military march]

Left wheel!

Party…

Halt!

All right, fall in with the others,
Windrush.

Escort, fall out!

All right.

Blake, why must you keep running away?

I never run away, sir.

Last time it was Blackpool, this time
you were picked up in Scarborough.

You live in London,
what were you doing in Scarborough?

-I was only coming back, sir.
-Coming back? Where from?

-Glasgow, sir.
-Glasgow?

Yeah, Glasgow near Edinburgh, sir.

I know where Glasgow is.

-What were you doing?
-I went to join the Navy.

The what?

The Navy, sir.

-But you're in the Army!
-And I don't like it.

There are lots of people in the Army.

I'm in the Army, I don't particularly care
for it, but I don't keep running away.

I never ran away, I went to join the Navy!

That's enough. Remanded for CO's orders.

-Mind you, sir, I never ran away, sir.
-Shut up!

Escort and accused, right turn!

Quick march!

Left, right, left, right, left, right!

Halt left, Windrush!

Escort in…

By the front!

Quick march!

Halt! Accused!

And… turn!

Sir, number 765431, Private Windrush, S.

Charged with, while on active service at
Malton on the 17th of September 1943,

at 2300 hours,

was drunk and incapable. Witness number
995746, Lance Corporal Parsons.

Er, Lance Corporal Parsons, please.

Lance Corporal Parsons!

Lance Corporal Parsons!

All right, Corporal.

Sir, at 2300 hours on September 17th,

1943, at Malton,

Accused approached the gates
acting in a peculiar manner,

namely, singing and shouting

"Left, right, left, right, get them arms
up, bags of swank,

you're an absolute shower", and he
fell on the ground laughing.

He got up without headress
and approached me.

On being asked his name,
he gave it as "999 Picklepuss",

which was incorrect.

Concluding he was under the influence,
I summoned the guard,

and he was conducted to the
provost sergeant, and he said,

"You remind me of my old auntie,
but she doesn't have her buttons shone up

as nice as yours, sir!"

Anything to say, Windrush?

No, sir. [clears throat] No, sir.

I suppose you realise the gravity
of being improperly dressed.

Yes, sir.

-Any previous entries, Sergeant Major?
-No, sir.

Willing to accept my award?

Yes, sir.

In view of the fact that you have a clean
sheet, I shan't remand you for the CO.

-Thank you.
-You've disappointed me, Windrush.

I was looking to you
to set a proper example.

Don't let me down again.

Seven days' CB.

Escort and accused!

Right turn!

Just a minute, Sergeant Major. Windrush.

Take two of these in water.

Thank you, sir.

Quick march!

Left, right, left, right, left, right,
left, right, left, right!

Escort and accused!

Halt! Left turn!

[brass fanfare]

[she knocks]

[demure orchestral music]

[Commander] I say, this type's taking
a heck of a time, isn't it?

[Naval CDR] Couldn't agree with you more.

What the dickens is Hatrack anyway,
do you know?

Haven't a clue, sir.

I imagine it's a codename
to cover the operation.

I know that, what's the operation?

-Would you like a cup of tea, sir?
-No, thanks.

Any idea when the Colonel'll be free?

I don't know, sir.
The General's still with him.

Look at the strength of the line there.
Such economy.

Magnificent.

I must admit I'm sorely tempted.

-What do you want from me?
-Er, the figure mentioned was 5000.

Well, of course, I couldn't manage that.

This is going to strain our resources,
isn't it?

Let me turn it round for you, General,
so you can see it in a direct light.

[music goes louder]

Yes, it really is quite beautiful.

My guess is that at 5000,
it'll prove a sound investment, sir.

You're positive it's genuine?

I bought it from the Van Hoolen family.

They managed to bring it
when they escaped.

I've known Mr. Byrne for years,
I think you can take his word, sir.

-All right, it's a deal.
-Thank you, General. I'll have it framed.

-Deliver it to my home when it's ready.
-All right, off you go, goodbye.

Thank you, Colonel.
Bye for now, gentlemen.

-Bye.
-A nice surprise for your wife, General.

She'll be thrilled to bits!

Greenslade, ask them to come in now.

Right, sir.

I think we'd better see these fellows,
hadn't we?

-Oh yes, of course.
-Do sit down.

-Will you go in now, gentlemen, please?
-[all] Oh, thanks very much.

Oh, please sit down, gentlemen.

Thanks.

Before we put you in the picture,

I think I ought to tell you
that at the moment,

Hatrack is little more than an idea,

but now General Tomlinson
has given it his blessing,

I think we can be sure that
it will be realised in terms of action.

-Henry?
-Sir?

Hold the fort for a couple of hours.

Got why does the CO want to see me.

Right you are, sir.

Wonder why the CO's
always wanting to see him.

What the dickens do they talk about?

Don't ask me, sir.

[jovial woodwind music]

[music slows and becomes more tense]

Thank you, sir.

[car engine revs]

You'd better ring the CO's office.
The brigadier's on his way over.

Blimey, what does he want?

[music goes louder]

-[knock at door]
-Come in.

-The brigadier's just arrived from Div.
-Oh, lord.

Warn all company commanders to
stand by for brigadier's inspection.

Right, sir.

[door closes]

[phone rings]

D Company office.

Bootle speaking.

No, he's not.

I think you'll find him
with the CO now, sir.

He isn't?

Are you sure?

I've not… I…

What?

Oh, lord.

Oh, oh, er, yes, sir. Yes, well,
I'll do the best I can, sir.

Yeah.

Sergeant Major, what do I do?
The brigadier's coming to inspect.

I've got to stand in for the major.
Where the hell is he?

[lilting woodwind music]

[music goes louder]

These exclusive pictures,

only now released by the censor,

show some of the high spots
in the most realistic army exercise

ever staged in this country.

[explosions and music from cinema screen]

The British soldier today
is highly skilled and highly trained.

Modern methods are carefully designed

to help him develop
a spirit of initiative and determination.

[explosions and music from cinema screen]

No one who watches these pictures

can fail to recognise
that whatever else he is,

the British soldier is fighting fit,

and fit to fight.

[explosions and music from cinema screen]

[exaggerated kissing sounds]

These news pictures
have just been released

of the meeting of Winston Churchill
and President Roosevelt,

the two giants of the free world.

There can be little doubt

that the Quebec conference
has provided the opportunity

for frank exchange of views
between heads of states,

and the ties of blood and history

which unite America and the
British Empire have been strengthened,

and our purpose reaffirmed.

[triumphant orchestral music]

[music fades]

[plodding military march]

One, two…

Halt!

Into line…

Right turn!

Order arms!

Stand at ease!

I suppose you know why
you're on this route march?

Because you're a shower, an absolute
shower, there's no other word for it!

You let yourselves down, you let me down.
I'm going to shake you all out of it!

Practically every man in that cinema
was from this company!

Including you, Cock.

From now on, there will be
an entirely new deal.

That's what I told the brigadier
and what I'm telling you.

No more scroungers, no more dodgers,

-I know--
-Better than a play, ain't it?

[birds singing]

That man over there, you're talking!

Am I the company commander or are you?

-You are, sir.
-I am, very well.

Keep your mouth shut, do you hear me?
I'm posting you,

and you, Windrush,
you're an absolute rotter,

undermining the discipline of the company!

I've found the right course for you
to be sent on, you'll be well out the way!

In fact, there's a whole lot of you around
here, I'm posting the lot of you!

[train whistle]

[sound of train on tracks]

[Conductor] All tickets, please.

Tickets please!

[Cox whistles]

Oh. Oh, that's my missus in there.

This is hers.

Tickets please.

All tickets, please.

Thank you.

Tickets please.

Thank you.

All tickets, please.

[knocking on door]

[door opens]

See what I mean, me old Stan? Dead easy!

Down there.

[phone rings]

Brigadier Tracepurcel's office.

He's not here at the moment, sir.

Is there any message?

Yes, sir.

Where will he find you, sir?

At number ten?

Very good, sir.

I rather think, sir,
that he's at a planner's conference, sir.

[Bertram] Speed is the essence
of this operation.

Everything depends on it.

Tell me something.

How long will it take
to filter it through the usual agents?

I've been through to our man in Dublin.

-He's notified agents in Switzerland.
-You don't have to worry.

-The organisation's pretty hot.
-Grand.

I'd like to see where
you're going to unload.

Of course. Come through here.

[car horn]

Well, that looks all right.

What about the lane?

It isn't a cul-de-sac, is it?

No, it runs straight through
to Burton Street.

Yeah, that'll do.

What about all these places?

I don't fancy being overlooked.

We shan't do anything out of the ordinary.

Yeah, that's true. Right.

I'll let you know when to stand by.
You shouldn't have long to wait.

[sounds of traffic]

[soldiers speak Japanese]

You have been in this course now
several months.

You still don't know
the first and second person.

Now, this phrase.

[soldiers speak Japanese]

That means "I want to go to bed now".

Now, Windrush, you are my best student.

This phrase.

[Stanley speaks Japanese]

Good. That's all for today.

We'll continue it tomorrow.

[soldiers chatter]

-Sure you won't have some brandy, Stanley?
-No thank you.

I've given up drinking.

Well, that's sensible
now you're with intelligence.

By and large, you haven't had
much of a war so far, have you?

No, Uncle.

I expect you'd like
a chance to do something.

I shall only be an interpreter.

That's all right. Who's your general?

Erm… chap called Mason, I think, Uncle.

Oh, I know him, nice chap.

All right, you leave this to me.

I'll have a word with Mason
on the old boy net.

When you're commissioned, we'll get
you posted so you can have fun.

Thank you, Uncle.

Tell me…
Have you done any parachute training?

[panicked woodwind music]

No.

-No, I haven't.
-It doesn't matter.

You may not need it.

Waiter, my bill, please.

[tense orchestral music]

Excuse me.

Are you waiting for a Mr. Green?

As it so happens, I am.

-Are you a friend of the family?
-Yes, indeed.

I live with them now.

Good.

They'll be glad to see you.
Follow me, will you?

[mysterious orchestral music]

Good afternoon, sir.

All right, Metcalf,
this is Lieutenant Windrush.

Thank you, ma'am.

[music goes louder]

Sorry about all this
cloak-and-dagger stuff.

[Bertram] Oh, that's grand, sir!

Yes, of course.

Of course.

As soon as we get the green light,
we'll be ready.

Now, you may depend on us, sir. Goodbye.

Ah! Great news, Prue.

Washington's signalled complete
agreement with the project.

That's fine!

Stanley, you've joined at the right time.

Balloon's going up in a moment.

Prue, don't you think I was right
to pick Stanley for the job?

Yes, I do, sir.

I'm sure he'll put up a wonderful show.

Well, I'll do my best,

but nobody's told me what it is.

The War Office wouldn't tell me anything
except to report here

with all that rot about Mr. Green.

You can't be too careful in this job.

I must impress on you that no one must
know where you are or what you're doing.

What do you think of our front?

Oh, oh, it's jolly clever, Uncle.

I want you to go down to our base
at Ewebourn, meet the other chaps.

Have you got a car laid on?

Yes, sir. It's waiting downstairs now.

Thank you, but I haven't
brought any kit with me.

Everything's laid on for you down there.

I see.

Before I go, is there anything
you can tell me?

Can't put you in the picture now,
super important things to do.

I'll be down there myself soon
and you'll be fully briefed.

Oh, Sergeant, there's a car waiting.

-Show Mr. Windrush the way out, hmm?
-Yes, sir.

Oh, Stanley!

One more thing:

Don't go putting it about at Ewebourn
that you're my nephew,

and remember to call me "sir", not
"Uncle". Better still, call me "Hatrack".

Yes, sir - er…

Hatrack.

[mysterious orchestral music]

[truck engine revs]

Thank you, Sergeant.

[car door closes]

Afternoon, sir.

[music flourishes]

Good lord, Cox!

That's right, sir.

[car engine accelerates]

Yeah, I got posted to this driving pool,
see,

and that's where I met Hatrack.

He's a proper card, he is, and no mistake.

Took a fancy to me when I fixed him up
with a case of scotch! He couldn't get it!

Suppose he took a fancy to you as well,
sir.

There's no need to call me "sir"
when there's no one around.

Oh, no, I might slip up sometime
and then you'll be for it!

No, I must call you "sir", me old Stan.

[slow orchestral music]

Your passes, please.

Thank you, sir.

[car engine accelerates]

Passes please, love.

Thank you. Right.

Thanks, Cox.

Bye-bye, sir.

Goodbye.

[car engine revs]

My name's Windrush,
I've been sent by Hatrack.

-All right, first door on the right.
-Thank you.

-[knocking on door]
-[in German] Come in.

[burst of music]

[in German] Come in, stupid!

Come in!

I'm frightfully sorry,
I think I've got the wrong…

-Good lord!
-Come in, then!

But it's Egan!

Course it is. I've been expecting you.

-But why are you all dressed up?
-Just living the part, you know?

Have to, to make it real.

[in German] Battle experience?

-Pardon?
-Any battle experience?

Oh, no, no, I haven't.

Pity. I like all my chaps to have it.

Never mind, we'll manage.

Er… look, um, Windrush,

I'm just going along to see my men.
I think perhaps you'd better come with me.

Of course, we're pretty isolated
here at Ewebourn,

and nobody's allowed outside the compound.

-[soldiers chatter]
-[Corporal speaks German] Attention!

[in German] Thank you, corporal! At ease!

Still no message.

The general has not been in touch yet.

-[in German] Is everything alright?
-[in German] Yes.

By the way,

this is lieutenant Windrush.

He is with us.

Once I know, where we will be flying,

I will have a look at all of you.
Continue, corporal!

[Corporal speaks German] Attention!

-What do you think of them?
-Splendid.

You'll have to speak German.
I insist on that with all my chaps.

But Egan,

I don't speak a word of German!

-What do you mean?
-Well, just that!

You've just come
from an interpreter's course!

But that was Japanese!

Japanese?

My dear chap, you have to remember
that you're playing a part.

You are Lieutenant Wegweiser
of the German Army.

Now, try the next phrase.

[in German] Hands up or I’ll shoot.

-First of all, what does it mean?
-Hands up or I'll shoot.

[Stanley speaks German]

"Hands up or I'll shoot."

[car engine revs]

[in German] Where is the Führer?

That's better!

Good evening, gentlemen.
Cox, settle those there.

-Sir.
-Egan, your ruffians all set to go?

Yes, sir.

Better make sure that they put their
British uniforms in their kit bags.

-They'll be needed on the return journey.
-Right, sir.

Cor blimey, sir.

You look a real member
of the master race in that lot!

-What's the book, Stanley?
-It's a German phrasebook, sir.

I'm afraid there's been
a frightful mistake.

You see, I don't speak a word of German.

You don't? Well…

Better keep your mouth shut, then.

We don't want any of that
"where is the pen of me Aunt" stuff.

Oh, you don't drink. Cox, have a drink!

-Thank you, sir.
-Well…

In two hours from now, we shall be off.

[dramatic military fanfare]

[sound of plane engine]

[music fades]

We are now in Weisberg,

about 12 miles on the German side
of the Rhine,

just in the rear of the British advance.

our objective is a castle

belonging to a General von Lembeck,

90 miles inside enemy country,

the one you've studied from models
and photographs for the past few months.

When we get there, we'll probably be
outnumbered, but don't worry.

Speed and surprise will be
our main weapons.

Now, the purpose of the raid is this:

Von Lembeck, who incidentally
is down as a war criminal,

has salted away a vast deal of plunder.

Paintings, sculptures, and so on.

Just before the finish,

he's likely to do a bunk with the stuff,

might even destroy it.

Priceless masterpieces
would be lost forever.

Our job is to see that doesn't happen.

Any questions?

All right. Into your vehicles,

and good luck to you all.

[dramatic military march]

Er, ready?

Right, off we go!

[music comes to an end]

What's your reading now, Cox?

Er, 12.5 kilometres, sir.

Right, we leave the convoy here.

Stanley, we're now inside enemy lines.

Nip back and tell Egan that we're off
to pick up this agent.

They must stay in the vehicles.
We'll be ten minutes.

Yes, sir.

[birds singing]

Right, Cox, off you go.

[car engine accelerates]

[distant explosions]

-What's going on?
-They've gone to pick up the agent.

Ten minutes, they said.

[birds singing]

I say, it's frightfully quiet, isn't it?

-Hardly believe you're in enemy territory.
-Shut up, you fool.

[car engine approaches]

[car engine fades]

Looks like a German staff car.

Anyway, it's gone by.

[brakes squeak]

-[in German] Yes, let’s ask them.
-Drive backwards.

Come here!

He's the brigadier, you'd better get back.

[mysterious woodwind music]

[in German] Yes, I think it’s straight on.

Oh! Er…

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Erm…

Guten Tag!

[in German] Who is this man? Find out!

[car door slams]

[in German] Come here!
I want to ask you something.

[birds singing]

Idiot, I’ll put you into prison!

Come here in a minute!
Don’t you understand German?

-Heil Hitler.
-Heil Hitler.

Can you give me
information about the roads?

Are there any English patrols nearby?

Erm… ich… erm… ich… ich--

[in German] What the hell is the matter
with you? Say something!

Erm… erm… ahh…

Erm… nicht, nicht, erm…

And these trucks?

[shouts in German] Reply to me!

Look out. Here we go.

Reply!

[in German] Er… Hands up or I’ll shoot!

What’s this?

[Stanley speaks Japanese]

Damn! Have you gone mad? Say something!

[distant explosion]

-[in German] Your regiment, bloody hell!
-My dear captain.

[in German] Thank you!

-Heil Hitler.
-Heil Hitler.

Heil Hitler.

[distant car engine]

Phew.

Well, that'll send them
slap into our armoured patrols.

Come on.

[car engine revs]

[dramatic orchestral music]

[brakes squeak]

-[in German] General von Lehmbeck?
-In the castle, colonel.

[music fades]

-Egan.
-Sir?

So far so good.

Now, you stay here with your party
and cover us against any interruptions.

Hello, what's this?

[in German] Hey, you!

Just in time,
they were starting to pull out the loot.

You'd better warn your boys that

there's some genuine
German transport expected

and might have to be dealt with.

In the meantime, these fellas are
quite happy loading ours.

You others follow me.

[solemn orchestral music]

[music stops]

[in German] That’s beautiful.

[door opens]

[in German] Hands up!

[crash]

[in German] General von Lehmbeck.

-Tell him that.
-Right.

[in German] What’s this room?

-That’s the general’s room.
-Go in!

Stanley, follow me.
I want you to take care of these fellows.

[door opens]

[mysterious orchestral music]

[door opens]

Here, get a load of this lot!

To think that treasures like these

might've been lost to posterity forever,
eh, sir?

I'll be damned!

Put this one aside,
we can't take it back with us.

-Well, is it no good?
-It's a bit too good. Let's get started.

[mysterious orchestral music]

[music fades]

[clock ticks]

[clock mechanism whirs]

[clock chimes]

[clock ticks]

Do you speak German, Lieutenant?

No. I mean - nein.

Ah, so,

in that case, I will speak English.

As you see, General von Lembeck
is no longer a young man.

This has been a terrible shock for him,

and he already suffers from
a serious condition of the heart.

Oh, I am sorry.

If he does not take his tablets,

he might well have a seizure
which could well prove fatal.

Oh?

The tablets are in the far drawer
of the desk.

-With your permission, I will get them.
-Oh no.

No, you stay where you are.

I'll get them.

[tense orchestral music]

[music goes louder]

POISON

[music goes louder]

Thank you.

Defeat is less bitter
at the hands of a chivalrous opponent.

[shouts in German] Stand still!

Right, that's the lot.

A smooth run back and we'll make Ostende
for a late breakfast.

Tell Egan we'll be ready in ten minutes.

I'll deal with the General.

[clock ticks]

[chair creaks]

[dramatic orchestral crescendo]

[music goes louder]

[music goes louder]

Right, Stanley.

What the devil have you been up to now,
my boy?

Yeah, I know that smell, all right.

Cyanide.

It's not your fault.
They were due for a tribunal anyway.

Get down to the vehicles,
they won't do us any more harm.

Yes, sir.

Just a moment, Stanley, I've got an idea.

Send up four of our men
with a packing case,

a big one.

Yes, sir.

[Bertram sighs]

[Stanley breathes heavily]

[flourish of mysterious orchestral music]

On the end truck with that packing case.

-Egan!
-Sir?

-Cox! Windrush!
-Sir?

-All set?
-Yes, sir.

Right. Now, order of march:

Egan will follow me in that one
with the personnel.

The agent will be with the prisoners.

and Cox will drive truck number three.

-Right, sir.
-and Windrush… Where is Windrush?

-Yes, sir.
-Yes, Windrush, there you are.

You'll bring up the rear.

Remember that you two are in the trucks
with the booty on board, so be careful.

Same route back to Weisberg,

and don't forget, stick together
and don't get left.

-Clear?
-Yes, sir.

-Yes, sir, yes.
-All right, off you go.

All right, in your trucks!

[triumphant orchestral music]

HIGH VOLTAGE - DANGER OF DEATH

[engine turns over but doesn't start]

[engine turns over but doesn't start]

[engines accelerate]

[truck door slams]

[birds singing]

[engines accelerate]

[birds singing]

Try a sharp jerk, sir.

[engines accelerate]

That should do it.

Well, I should have another go now, sir,
if I were you.

[car door slams]

[dramatic orchestral music]

[brakes squeak]

[music goes louder and dies away]

[birds singing]

[engine comes to life]

[in German] You just have to know how to
do it.

[they laugh]

Er… er…

[in German] Thank you!

[Stanley laughs]

[truck door opens]

[in German] Goodbye!

[curious orchestral music]

[dramatic orchestral music]

[music softens]

Er, right or left, sir?

Right! Right.
The brigadier said don't go left.

[truck engine accelerates]

I make him two hours late now, sir.

Quite candidly, I've never understood
why you picked him for this show.

I'm afraid you're right.
We made a mistake.

Still, you put up a pretty good show,
Egan.

-I'll submit you to the General.
-Thank you, sir.

-I didn't expect that.
-I have to wait here for that idiot.

Take your prisoners down to Div
and get rid of them.

Arrange transport back to Ewebourn.

Right, sir.

Looks like he'll upset the barrer
just as we've got the fruit laid out.

-I wonder where he is.
-Wouldn't be surprised if Jerries got him.

Then how do you account for these?

But they're not mine!

Cyanide tablets are only issued
to party members of some importance!

But they belonged to General von Lembeck!

Oh?

-What do you know about him?
-I know nothing, nothing!

-Except that he's dead.
-Dead?

How was he killed?

-I suppose it was my fault in a way.
-Oh, I see.

The rats have been fighting
among themselves, eh?

I've told you, I was on Hatrack!

-Now, listen to me, Wegweiser--
-I am not Wegweiser! My name's Windrush.

Oh, you lying brute!

Your documents show that
you're Lieutenant Wegweiser!

Until you can prove otherwise,
that's who you are!

Sergeant, have that rat taken down
to HQ right away,

and send that truckload of stuff with him!

Come on, get on with it!

We haven't all day.

For goodness's sake, hurry up!

Schnell, you stink hounds!

Come on, raus!

I wish to register a complaint.

We should be treated like German officers.

Am I in command here, or are you?

Keep your mouth shut!

-We are German officers!
-I know that!

You've behaved like a shower,
you'll be treated like one!

Get into that truck!

[urgent orchestral music]

Schnell, you stinkers!

Hello, sir.

Remember me?

Good lord!

Windrush!

What are you doing dressed up as a Jerry?

-Well--
-You're an absolute bounder.

Well, it's rather a long story,
really, sir.

[dramatic orchestral music]

[music quietens]

Stone the crows, it's him!

Here, here!

It's him!

[music goes louder and dies away]

-Lieutenant Windrush, reporting--
-Cut all that out! Where were you?

-And where's your driver?
-I'm afraid I lost him, sir.

-You see, when we were captured--
-Captured?

Where's all the stuff?

-It's here in the truck.
-So the Jerries did get you.

Oh no, not the Jerries, the British.

They were nice,
they gave me a new battledress--

All right, we've no time for that now!

-Is our kit on board?
-Yes, sir.

Get over there and start her up!
You get in, follow us.

Yes, sir.

[dramatic orchestral music]

[music fades]

Seems to me we're taking a risk.

-In what way?
-Letting this geezer deliver the fruit.

If we did it, it'd be more of a risk.

Mm, I suppose so.

So long as he remembers
where he's got to go!

[Stanley yawns]

If anything's gone wrong,
we'll get ten years.

You've a morbid mind.
It must be because of that uniform.

What time did he phone?

Keep cool, gentlemen.

They only came ashore three hours ago.

[truck engine revs]

[truck horn]

[truck engine revs]

[gate squeaks]

-Ah.
-Have you got all the papers?

Ah, hello, I…

[Stanley yawns]

Yes, I've got them here.

I'd better have a signature or something.

-You can leave all that to me.
-Thanks.

That must be the lot he mentioned
on the phone. Leave that 'til last.

-No other documents?
-No.

I see. Then you'd better take this.

Oh, what is it?

A railway warrant to Ewebourn.

The brigadier wants you to go down there
right away.

What, now?

Yes, I've checked for you.

The first train leaves Paddington
just after five.

But…

[mysterious orchestral music]

Oh.

[music fades]

It isn't a British truck.

These are the only papers on this side
to prove it ever existed.

By now, the whole damned thing
be dismantled, or should be.

Yeah, but what about old Stan?
He knew there were two truckloads.

You leave him to Bertie.

Don't worry, it's all fixed.

[buzzer rings]

-Yep.
-General Tomlinson to see you, sir.

Oh. Prue - notebook.

[urgent orchestral music]

Cox, put that cigar out.

-Morning, Bertie!
-Morning, sir.

You certainly pulled it off. Magnificent.

Oh, thank you, sir.

The haul wasn't as big
as intelligence expected, was it?

I'm afraid Von Lembeck had already moved
a lot of the stuff.

The art chaps say that
what you got is worth a fortune.

Delighted to know it, sir.
By the way, you know Greenslade.

-Yes, rather.
-And this is Private Cox.

He drove me on our party, did very well.

Good show. Well done, Cox.

-Thank you, sir.
-Yes. Let me get you a cigar.

How about casualties, Bertie?

Absolutely a clean sheet,
that is, except for one poor fellow.

Hmm, pity.

He wasn't killed or anything like that.

He simply cracked up.
Nerve went completely.

I sent him down to Ewebourn.

I have told them how to deal with him.

Of course, I'm just
an old-fashioned doctor.

I deal strictly in broken bones,
not broken minds.

It's a job for the trick cyclist here,
or the Padre.

Windrush.

I know the name.

He must've been through my hands before.

I think the best thing
is for the fellow to be discharged.

Where's the poor chap now?

He's in my room, asleep.

Er, C of E, I suppose?

Yes.

Well, er…

-Who's going to talk to him first?
-I think you should, Padre.

Before I examine him,
I want to talk to the brigadier.

-He is coming down, isn't he?
-Yes, he's on his way.

I must say,
everything's worked out a treat.

We haven't quite finished yet.
How much further?

Oh, about another couple of miles.

[lullaby]

Still there?

Don't get up, old man!

How are you feeling?

Oh…

Oh, it's you, Padre.

You had a pretty rough time over there.

Oh, well, it wasn't too pleasant.

Well, even the best of us
get scared at times.

[Stanley yawns]

Yes, I suppose so.

That's why there's nothing
to be ashamed of.

Why? I mean…

[they yawn]

The person who cracks under the strain.

Well, yes, of course.

We're much more enlightened about that
in the services nowadays.

After all, a man whose nerve is shattered

is just as much a casualty of war
as a fellow who's…

lost a limb.

Yes, I suppose so…

But…

But look, Padre, I…

-I don't understand--
-Of course not, my boy.

None of us does.

The ways of providence are never
very easy to understand.

[funereal orchestral music]

[music becomes jovial]

The end of the brigadier and Private Cox.

My family always said
I'd come to a sticky end.

Well, I haven't disappointed them.
Come on, off we go.

[car engine revs]

[funereal orchestral music]

[music fades]

It is not without meaning for all of us
that their last service to posterity

was to save for their country so many
of the spiritual treasures of the past.

We're all the richer
for their having lived.

[birds singing]

Together they came

to their journey's end,

and as together they depart

on the greatest adventure of all,

we echo the words
of the Divisional General:

Well done, Brigadier Tracepurcel.

Well done, Private Cox.

One round, volley!

Fire!

-[gunshots]
-[pigeons coo]

[church bells chime]

[cheers and whistles]

-[distant cheering and whistling]
-[distant church bells chiming]

[they whisper]

General, I'm sorry.

Your picture is the fake.

Get me Scotland Yard.

[birds singing]

[door closes]

-Hello, Nobby.
-A gentleman is waiting to see you.

-Oh?
-A Mr. de Cameron.

Thank you.

Good afternoon.

Hello, me old Stan.

Surprised to see me, eh?

Well, don't worry, I'm not stopping.

But…

-But you're dead!
-I know.

So's your Uncle Bertie.

Well, sit down, you look a bit shaken.

We buried you.

Er… well, yes, in a sort of way, but, er…

actually, it was old Von Lembeck
and his pal. Bertie's idea!

Where is Uncle Bertie?

Well, I can't just say at the moment,
but, er…

he's doing very nicely!

Oh.

Doing what?

Well, you know, in the art world, like.

Oh yes, er…

You remember Prue, that War Office bird?

She's your new auntie, Stan.
They got married last month.

They reckon to leave for a nice long
honeymoon in South America any time now.

Oh, er…

What are you doing?

Well, er… I'm in Army surplus.

I was a bit lucky there.
I had a spot of capital to start off with,

which reminds me,
that's what I come about.

Your uncle did all right out of this,
Stan.

Even old Egan got his bleeding medal,

but you never got nothing,

except your ticket.

Well, fair's fair, ain't it?

So I, um…

I brought you a little something for your
trouble, a sort of souvenir.

Well, I must be off.
I've got a meeting up in town.

Ta ra!

Erm… look! Wait a minute, I…

I don't understand, we--

I daresay,

and I should leave it like that.

Anyhow, it'd take too long to explain.
Bye bye, me old Stan!

Funny, the bloke
I'm going to see's called Stanley, too.

Oh well!

[dramatic brass music]

Oh, come on in, I'm just off.

No, you're not.

Gravestone.

Aldershot now, not Gravestone.

Is this your man, Sergeant?

Friend of yours?

Oh, rather!

-We were in the Army together.
-Were you?

Yes.

Quite like old times, really, isn't it?

Oh, quite!

-How do you do, Mr.--
-De Cameron's the name!

Really?

Escort!

Oh… what is this?

Your real name is Percival Henry Cox.

You're wanted for deserting His Majesty's
Forces while on active service,

and of feloniously conspiring with Bertram
Tracepurcel and others now in custody

to dispose of captured enemy property
rightfully belonging to the Crown.

-Is that all?
-Escort, left turn!

Well, look, half a mo', do me a favour.

-Who tipped you off?
-You did.

-What?
-Yes!

One of the pictures you brought
from Germany

was the original of a fake
your pals sold to the General!

Shoddy work, Cox, very careless.

Careless?

-Criminal careless, if you ask me.
-That's right.

The discovery of one fake led to another,

including two fake corpses!

Oh, well, I suppose we've all go to er…

take what's coming to us.

Just see you do the same, me old Stan.

-Good luck, mate.
-Right, prisoner escort, quick march!

[curious orchestral music]

I'm sorry, I'm afraid
we must ask you a few questions.

-What did you say your name was?
-Windrush, Sergeant.

Don't you remember me?
You were at Gravestone when I joined up.

Was I? You didn't learn very much,
did you?

Didn't I teach you to avoid bad company?

What was Cox doing here?

First time I've seen him
since he was buried.

Are you making a fool of the Army?

What did he come here for?

Oh, nothing really.

-Just brought me a souvenir.
-Very sentimental of him. Is this it?

-That's right.
-Would you open it?

Certainly!

[burst of music]

[soft orchestral music]

[majestic brass music]

[music gets louder]