Pride: The Gay & Lesbian Comedy Slam (2010) - full transcript
Gay & Lesbian Comedy Show Hosted by the Oscars resident writer for the past 17 years and comedy satirist Bruce Villanch, "Pride" the Gay & Lesbian Comedy show brings together four of ...
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> THIS IS A THRILL TO BE HERE.
I MEAN, WE ARE HERE ON THIS
GAY-AND-LESBIAN COMEDY SHOW.
"LES" BE GAY TOGETHER.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WHOO!
>> MY NAME IS TIGER WOODS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND I HAD NO IDEA THAT PLAYING
18 HOLES WOULD CAUSE SO MUCH
TROUBLE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> SEE, I BELIEVE AN ASS SHOULD
OPEN ON COMMAND BUT NOT FALL
APART, YOU KNOW?
GAY GUYS, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M
TALKING ABOUT.
YOU'RE INTO ASS?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> I MEAN, I WALK IN, DRESSED
LIKE THIS.
I'M LIKE, "HEY, WHAT'S UP?"
THEY'RE LIKE, "I DON'T THINK
SO."
THEY'RE BLOWING THE RAPE
WHISTLE.
[ IMITATES WHISTLE ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
CUT TO FOUR LESBIANS KICKING THE
SHIT OUT OF ME.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> AS SOON AS WE HAVE SEX, LET
THE CODEPENDENCY BEGIN.
THAT IS IT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
LESBIANS ARE LIKE STAMPS -- ONCE
YOU LICK THEM, THEY STICK.
THAT IS IT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> LIVE FROM THE
EL PORTAL THEATER IN NOHO,
CALIFORNIA, WITH PRIDE, IT'S
"THE GAY AND LESBIAN COMEDY
SLAM."
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
AND NOW PLEASE WELCOME TO THE
STAGE A HOLLYWOOD LEGEND,
BRUCE VILANCH.
>> GOOD EVENING.
I'M CHASTITY BONO.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
I'M IN TRANSITION.
I CAN SAY THAT BECAUSE I HAVE
BEEN MISTAKEN FOR CHAZ BONO MY
ENTIRE ADULT LIFE...
BY HER MOTHER...
WHO I'VE WORKED FOR.
I MEAN, I'VE WRITTEN FOR HER
FOREVER.
YOU SEE, I DON'T REALLY DO THIS.
I WRITE FOR PEOPLE.
I MEAN, I WROTE FOR CHER WITH
SONNY, CHER WITHOUT SONNY,
"SONNY, I HATE YOU, BUT I'M WITH
YOU ANYWAY" CHER, "CHER, I NEED
THE MONEY, AND I'M WITH YOU NOW"
SONNY, "CHER, LET'S GET TOGETHER
FOR THE HELL OF IT AND LET'S
NOT" SONNY -- ALL OF THEM.
I'VE DONE ALL OF THEM.
IN FACT, THE MOST RECENT TIME, I
CAME INTO THE REHEARSAL, AND I
LOOKED AT HER, AND SHE SAID,
"VILANCH, YOU FAT FUCK.
YOU STILL IN THE BUSINESS?"
[ LAUGHTER ]
NOW, I KNOW YOU'VE NEVER SEEN A
GAY MAN DO A CHER IMPRESSION.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND I LOOKED AT HER, AND I SAID,
"I LIKE THIS FACE.
KEEP THIS ONE."
[ LAUGHTER ]
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, PIECES OF HER
FALL OFF LIKE THE HUBBARD
GLACIER.
SHE CALVES.
YOU KNOW, I MEAN, SHE'D BE HERE
TONIGHT, BUT THEY'RE SPACKLING
ON HER LEFT CHEEK.
THERE ARE LANE CLOSURES BETWEEN
THE NOSTRIL AND THE UPPER LIP.
AND I KNOW 'CAUSE I WAS JUST ON
A GAY CRUISE, AND WE WATCHED THE
GLACIER GO, AND THERE WAS SOME
QUEEN SAYING, "OH, MY GOD, IT'S
CHER FROM '78!
THERE SHE GOES!"
[ LAUGHTER ]
I WAS JUST ON A GAY CRUISE.
I DID 10 DAYS ON
THE CRYSTAL METH.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I SEE YOU KNOW HER.
AND WE WERE IN ALASKA.
HAVE YOU BEEN TO ALASKA?
OH, MAN.
SARAH PALIN HAS MUCH TO ANSWER
FOR.
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU KNOW, I GOT UP IN THE
MORNING AND WENT OUT ONTO THE
DECK OF, YOU KNOW, MY LAVISH
VERANDA -- STARK NAKED, OF
COURSE -- AND THERE WAS THIS
HUGE HIGH-RISE NEXT TO THE SHIP,
WHICH I THOUGHT WAS ODD 'CAUSE I
DIDN'T KNOW THAT THEY BUILT
VERTICALLY.
AND IT WAS ANOTHER SHIP.
IT WAS THE HOLLAND AMERICA, A
LESBIAN CRUISE, THE DENTAL DAM.
[ LAUGHTER ]
OH, YOU KNOW HER, TOO.
THEY HAD DOCKED NEXT TO US, AND
THERE WAS A NAKED LESBIAN.
WELL, SHE WASN'T NAKED.
SHE WAS JUST A LESBIAN.
AND SHE WAS --
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND SHE WAS CLOTHED -- WHO CAN
TELL?
AND SHE WAS STANDING ON HER
DECK, AND SHE KIND OF LOOKED
OVER, AND SHE SAID,
"'HOLLYWOOD SQUARES'!"
[ LAUGHTER ]
SO, I THOUGHT, "WHAT A
THOUGHTFUL LESBIAN," 'CAUSE I,
YOU KNOW, WAS NEVER NAKED BELOW
THE WAIST IN THE SQUARE, BUT SHE
RECOGNIZED ME.
MOST OF THE TIME NOW, WHEN I GET
RECOGNIZED, THEY THINK I'M
MICHAEL MOORE -- BIG QUEEN WITH
THE FAKE BLOND HAIR,
MICHAEL MOORE.
OR I STILL GET -- IN
SAN FRANCISCO, I STILL GET
JERRY GARCIA.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THEY COME BY, AND THEY SAY,
"DUDE, YOU'RE BACK!"
IT'S VERY EXCITING.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SO, THIS IS A THRILL TO BE HERE.
I MEAN, WE ARE HERE ON THIS
GAY-AND-LESBIAN COMEDY SHOW.
"LES" BE GAY TOGETHER.
WHOO!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
AND IT'S SO EXCITING FOR ME TO
COME TO THE VALLEY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I HAD MY VISA RENEWED JUST TO
COME OVER THE HILL...
[ LAUGHTER ]
...TO NORTH HOLLYWOOD, OR, AS
IT'S NOW CALLED, "NOHO."
IT WASN'T CALLED THAT WHEN I
LIVED HERE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
"ONE MO HO" IS WHAT IT WAS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT'S GOTTEN VERY UPSCALE.
I MEAN, THEY'RE PUTTING THE
OUT-OF-TOWNERS IN THIS HOTEL.
AND I WENT OVER TO THE HOTEL
WITH ONE OF THE OTHER COMICS WHO
FLEW IN FROM NEW YORK, AND WE
WERE CHECKING IN.
AND IT'S ONE OF THOSE PLACES
WHERE -- YOU KNOW, IT'S, LIKE, A
VERY PISSY HOTEL, AND WHEN YOU
GO STAY IN A PISSY HOTEL, YOU
HAVE FRIENDS IN TOWN, AND THEY
HAVE A GIFT SHOP IN THE HOTEL.
BECAUSE IT'S FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE
TRAPPED IN THE HOTEL AND HAVE TO
GO OUT WITH THEIR FRIENDS IN
TOWN AND YOU'VE GOT TO BRING
SOMETHING.
AND I WAS LOOKING AROUND THERE,
AND EVERYTHING IS JUST HIDEOUS.
THERE'S A JAPANESE WOMAN
STANDING THERE, HOLDING A
CERAMIC CAT.
THE UGLIEST PUSSY I HAVE EVER
SEEN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND I HAVE SEEN ONE.
AND AS SHE IS EXAMINING THIS
CAT, SHE FARTS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT HAPPENS.
AND YOU KNOW WHEN YOU HAVE
FARTED SOMEPLACE WHERE YOU'RE
NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE FARTED OR
YOU'VE BEEN DETECTED?
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND IT WAS JUST TOO LARGE A FART
FOR IT TO GO UNNOTICED BY
OTHERS IN THE GIFT SHOP, BECAUSE
THERE WAS FROST FORMING ON THE
GLASS, YOU KNOW?
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND SO, YOU KNOW, SHE TRIED TO
COVER HERSELF, AS ONE DOES WHEN
ONE HAS, YOU KNOW, CREATED THIS
ATMOSPHERE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND SO THE CLERK WAS STANDING
RIGHT NEXT TO HER, YOU KNOW.
AND SO, SHE KIND OF LOOKED AT
HIM, AND, LIKE, WITH PANIC IN
HER EYES, SHE SAID, "HOW MUCH IS
THIS?"
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND HE SAID, "LADY, IF YOU
FARTED WHEN YOU PICKED IT UP,
YOU'RE GONNA SHIT WHEN I TELL
YOU WHAT IT COSTS."
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WELL, THEY CAN'T ALL BE GAY
JOKES.
WHAT CAN I TELL YOU?
[ LAUGHTER ]
WELL, I REALLY AM EXCITED TO BE
HERE, BECAUSE WE HAVE SUCH A
DIVERSE GROUP.
NOW, I KNOW THAT WE'RE IN
CALIFORNIA, BUT PEOPLE WHO ARE
WATCHING US ALL OVER THE PLACE
HAVE PROBABLY NOT HAD THE
EXPERIENCE THAT WE HAVE HAD THE
LAST COUPLE OF YEARS.
WE HAD GAY MARRIAGE FOR A WHILE
HERE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
YES.
AND WE WILL HAVE IT AGAIN.
I MEAN, IT WILL COME BACK, WE
KNOW.
[ LOUD CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
AND SO -- BUT WHILE WE HAD GAY
MARRIAGE -- I DON'T KNOW IF YOU
HAD THE SAME EXPERIENCE I HAD --
PEOPLE FROM ALL OVER THE COUNTRY
WERE, LIKE, COMING OUT HERE TO
GET MARRIED AND GO TO
DISNEYLAND.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT GOES HAND IN HAND.
"LET'S CONSUMMATE OUR LOVE AND
TAKE THE WILD TEACUP RIDE!"
[ LAUGHTER ]
SO, AND THEY WERE COMING, AND
THEY WERE GETTING MARRIED OUT
HERE, YOU KNOW.
AND WE WERE -- LIKE, PEOPLE
ARRIVING WHO HAD NEVER BEEN TO A
GAY WEDDING.
THE CONCEPT OF A GAY WEDDING WAS
SOMETHING THEY COULD NOT
POSSIBLY ASSIMILATE.
SO THEY WERE, FRANKLY,
CONCERNED.
THEY DIDN'T KNOW EXACTLY WHAT TO
DO ABOUT IT.
AND I BEGAN GETTING LOTS OF
QUESTIONS LIKE, "HOW DO WE
BEHAVE AT A GAY WEDDING?
WHAT DO WE DO?
WHAT DO WE NOT DO?
WHAT'S THE PROTOCOL?"
SO A BUNCH OF US WHO HAVE
EXPERIENCED THIS ARE GETTING
TOGETHER, AND WE'RE PUTTING OUT
A MANUAL SO THAT WHEN IT'S
LEGALIZED AGAIN, YOU CAN JUST
SEND THIS OUT TO YOUR FRIENDS
BEFORE THEY ARRIVE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND WE JUST -- WE HAVE A COUPLE
OF THINGS THAT I JUST WANT TO
SEE IF YOU AGREED WITH.
FIRST OF ALL, IT IS IMPERATIVE
AT A GAY WEDDING THAT THERE BE
AN OPEN BAR THROUGHOUT THE
CEREMONY...
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
...FOR THE PARENTS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT IS CONSIDERED VERY BAD FORM
AT A GAY WEDDING FOR EITHER OF
THE PARTNERS TO HAVE DATED THE
PRIEST.
[ LAUGHTER ]
ALL COSTS OF A GAY WEDDING ARE
BORNE BY THE FATHER OF THE
BOTTOM.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IF IT'S A LESBIAN WEDDING, THE
COSTS ARE BORNE BY THE MOTHER OF
THE GIRLY ONE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IF THERE IS NO GIRLY ONE...
[ LAUGHTER ]
...AS IS SO OFTEN THE CASE...
SIMPLE ARM WRESTLING WILL SETTLE
EVERYTHING.
SO...
[ LAUGHS ]
WELL, WE HAVE AN INCREDIBLY
DIVERSE GROUP OF PEOPLE WHO
ONLY SHARE ONE THING, WHICH IS
THEIR GAYNESS.
BUT YOU WILL BE AMAZED BECAUSE
THEY COME FROM ALL WALKS OF
LIFE.
IN FACT, THE FIRST COMIC I'M
BRINGING OUT DOESN'T EVEN COME
FROM A WALK OF LIFE.
HE COMES FROM A MINCE OF LIFE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
BUT WE'VE BEEN ON MANY, MANY GAY
CRUISES TOGETHER, AND YOU HAVE
SEEN HIM ON TELEVISION IN
"UGLY BETTY."
YEAH.
WE WERE IN A MOVIE TOGETHER
CALLED "YOU DON'T MESS WITH THE
ZOHAN."
HE'S QUITE FANTASTIC, AND I
WOULD WATCH HIM WITH YOU, BUT
"HAPPY PONY" IS ON, AND I'M NOT
MISSING "HAPPY PONY."
PLEASE WELCOME MY FRIEND
ALEC MAPA.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> WELL, NO, THAT WOULD BE
GREAT.
YEAH, YOU WANT TO BE THE "BEST"
OF ANYTHING, RIGHT?
YOU JUST DON'T WANT TO BE A GAY
COMIC.
YOU WANT TO BE THE GAY COMIC.
YOU KNOW, IT'S SO FUNNY.
IT'S KIND OF LIKE -- I TALK
ABOUT SEX, BUT I DON'T THINK OF
MY ACT AS DIRTY, 'CAUSE I DON'T
THINK SEX IS DIRTY.
AND I THINK THAT IF I'M
APPROACHING IT FROM A
GOOD-NATURED, "LET'S ALL LAUGH
AT IT" POINT OF VIEW, THEN, YOU
KNOW, MAYBE IT WILL TAKE THE
DIRTY OUT OF IT.
I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE IT IS DIRTY.
MAYBE I'M JUST DELUDING MYSELF.
WELL, I CAN'T EVER CONVINCE
ANYBODY, LIKE, WHO ISN'T GAY
THAT BEING GAY OR GAY MARRIAGE
WOULD BE A GOOD THING.
BUT I COULD ARGUE ON THE FACT
THAT I WOULD WANT TO BE TREATED
JUST LIKE HOW YOU WANT TO BE
TREATED.
I'M NOT TRYING TO TAKE AWAY YOUR
RELIGION.
I'M NOT TRYING TO TAKE AWAY YOUR
BELIEF SYSTEM, BUT I THINK THAT
THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON ALL
PEOPLE BEING EQUAL, AND UNTIL
THAT CHANGES, YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT
GONNA GO AWAY.
I MEAN, EVEN THE MOST
CONSERVATIVE PEOPLE HAVE GAY
PEOPLE [LAUGHS] IN THEIR
FAMILIES.
I MEAN, DICK CHENEY HAD A
LESBIAN DAUGHTER!
YOU KNOW, IT'S KIND OF LIKE, YOU
KNOW, THE CONSERVATIVE PEOPLE --
THAT'S WHERE ALL THE GAY PEOPLE
COME FROM.
THEY KEEP MAKING THEM.
NO, WE WERE PERFORMING ON THE
CRUISES TOGETHER, AND I ALWAYS
SAID, "YOU KNOW YOU'RE ON A GAY
CRUISE WHEN THE HEADLINERS ARE
DEBBIE REYNOLDS, BRUCE VILANCH,
AND YOU."
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
HEY!
WHAT'S UP, BITCHES?
HELLO!
OH...
HI.
HOW ARE YOU?
LOOK AT ALL OF YOU.
GOOD EVENING, AND WELCOME TO THE
ASIAN-PACIFIC PORTION OF
TONIGHT'S MULTICULTURAL PROGRAM.
MY NAME IS TIGER WOODS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND I HAD NO IDEA THAT PLAYING
18 HOLES WOULD CAUSE SO MUCH
TROUBLE.
[ LAUGHS ]
STRAIGHT PEOPLE SUCK AT BEING
MARRIED.
[ LAUGHTER ]
NO WONDER THEY DON'T WANT US TO
HAVE IT.
I MEAN, IF TIGER WOODS, THE
MASTER OF HAND-EYE COORDINATION,
CAN'T GET THIS RIGHT, YOU
KNOW...
[ LAUGHTER ]
OH, MY GOD. HELLO! JUST KIDDING.
IT'S ME, ALEC MAPA, AMERICA'S
"GAYSIAN" SWEETHEART.
IT'S NOT GEORGE TAKEI. IT'S ME.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SHE TRIED TO STEAL MY THUNDER
A WHILE BACK, AND I SAID,
"LISTEN, SULU..."
[ LAUGHTER ]
"...YOU WANTED TO BE QUEEN OF
THE PACIFIC RIM, YOU SHOULD HAVE
COME OUT 35 YEARS AGO."
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
IT'S NOT LIKE IT WOULD HAVE HURT
YOUR CAREER.
[ LAUGHTER ]
OH, SHUT UP.
SHE CAN TAKE IT.
SHE'S FAMILY NOW.
GEORGE TAKEI CAME OUT.
I DON'T SEE WHAT THE BIG
FREAKIN' DEAL IS.
FIRST OF ALL, IS THERE ANYTHING
GAYER THAN "STAR TREK"?
[ LAUGHTER ]
THE ENTIRE CREW WORE BELL-BOTTOM
CAPRI PANTS AND GO-GO BOOTS,
OKAY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THEIR COMMUNICATIONS OFFICER WAS
A BLACK WOMAN WITH A BEEHIVE AND
A RED MINISKIRT.
"OKAY!"
AND EVERY TIME A DOOR OPENED AND
CLOSED ON THAT SHIP, IT SOUNDED
LIKE A BUNCH OF QUEENS FARTING
IN FIRE ISLAND, YOU KNOW?
"WSSHHHHT!"
[ LAUGHTER ]
EVEN THEIR WEAPONS WERE GAY.
THEY DIDN'T HAVE GUNS.
THEY HAD [effeminately] PHASERS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
PHASERS.
[ Normal voice ] AND IF YOU
DIDN'T WANT TO KILL SOMEBODY,
YOU COULD SET YOUR PHASER ON
[effeminately] STUN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
"I'M NOT GONNA KILL YOU.
I'M GONNA STUN YOU."
[ LAUGHTER ]
"I'M STUNNING."
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ LAUGHS ]
[ Normal voice ] DO YOU LIKE THE
OUTFIT?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
YOU LIKE THIS?
THIS IS A COSTUME I WORE ON A
RECENT "DATELINE" SPECIAL ABOUT
CATHOLIC INTERNET PREDATORS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> OWW!
>> I DON'T WANT TO GIVE AWAY TOO
MUCH.
LET'S JUST SAY
MONSIGNOR CUMMINGS WON'T BE
IM'ing ANYBODY ANYTIME SOON.
SO EXCITED TO BE HERE TONIGHT.
I JUST GOT BACK FROM EUROPE.
MY HUSBAND AND I JUST GOT BACK
FROM BARCELONA, 'CAUSE WE'RE
GAY, AND THAT'S WHAT WE DO --
SPEND MONEY IN A SHITTY ECONOMY,
RIGHT?
THE DAY THE STOCK MARKET
CRASHED, I WENT OUT, AND I GOT A
FACIAL...
[ LAUGHTER ]
...'CAUSE THERE'S NO POINT IN
BEING POOR AND UGLY, RIGHT?
[ LAUGHTER ]
SO, MY HUSBAND AND I ARRIVED IN
BARCELONA.
OUR LUGGAGE NEVER ARRIVED.
[ AUDIENCE GROANS ]
WE STILL HAVEN'T GOTTEN IT,
RIGHT?
IN BARCELONA.
I'VE BEEN DEALING WITH THE
AIR FRANCE DESK IN BARCELONA,
OKAY?
ALL RIGHT.
COMBINE ALL THE WARMTH OF THE
FRENCH...
[ LAUGHTER ]
...WITH ALL THE CUSTOMER-SERVICE
SKILLS OF THE SPANISH, AND IT
WILL GIVE YOU SOME IDEA OF THE
NIGHTMARE I'M LIVING.
SO, MY HUSBAND AND I ARRIVE IN
BARCELONA AT 3:00 A.M., AND WE
HAVE NO LUGGAGE, NO TOILETRIES,
NO NOTHING.
SO THIS IS ME AT THE PHARMACY
IN BARCELONA, TRYING TO BUY
LUBE...
[ LAUGHTER ]
...WITH MY "DORA THE EXPLORER"
NINTH-GRADE SPANISH, OKAY?
[ LAUGHTER ]
"UH, PERDóNEME, SEÑOR.
UM, NECESITAMOS LUBRICANTE."
[ LAUGHTER ]
"UM, LUBRICANTE PARA MI CULO."
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
"¿POR QUé?
UH, PORQUE, UH...
SHEEZ.
PORQUE YO SOY UNO POWER BOTTOM."
[ LAUGHTER ]
"Y MI ESPOSO TIENE UN PINGA MAS
GRANDE."
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND THE GUY BEHIND THE COUNTER
WAS LIKE, "UH, THAT WILL BE 6
EUROS."
[ LAUGHTER ]
I DID NOTHING BUT EMBARRASS
MYSELF ALL ACROSS THE
MEDITERRANEAN.
I FARTED IN PRADA...
IN ROME.
AND IT WASN'T ONE OF THOSE CUTE
LITTLE AIR-BISCUIT FARTS, LIKE
[BLOWS LIGHTLY]
OR ONE OF THOSE CUTE LITTLE
QUESTION-MARK FARTS LIKE
[TRUMPETS INQUISITIVELY]
YOU KNOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ LAUGHS ]
[ Laughing ] I HAD THIS ROOMMATE
WHO, EVERY MORNING AFTER HER
FIRST CUP OF COFFEE, WOULD MAKE
THE QUESTION-MARK FART, LIKE
[TRUMPETS INQUISITIVELY]
YOU KNOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND ONE MORNING, IT CAME OUT
SCARED.
IT SOUNDED LIKE [TRUMPETS
NERVOUSLY]
YOU KNOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SO IT WASN'T LIKE THAT.
IT WAS LIKE A FULL-ON ASS BERRY,
YOU KNOW, LIKE PBHT!
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND I WAS LIKE, "OH, MY GOD!"
I WAS PRAYING, "PLEASE LET ME BE
ALL ALONE IN PRADA, RIGHT?"
AND I TURNED AROUND, AND I SAW
THE MOST BEAUTIFUL ITALIAN
SALESPERSON I HAD EVER SEEN IN
MY ENTIRE LIFE LOOK AT ME JUST
LIKE THIS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
HORRIBLE.
SO THRILLED TO BE HERE TONIGHT
IN THIS BEAUTIFUL THEATER.
SO MUCH NICER THAN THE DUMPS I'M
USUALLY BOOKED INTO.
I HAD TO MAKE AN APPEARANCE AT
THE WHITE PARTY IN PALM SPRINGS
EARLIER THIS YEAR.
ME AND 3,000 CIRCUIT QUEENS, ALL
ON CRYSTAL METH.
IT WAS LIKE BEING BOOKED INTO A
CRACK DEN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I SHOWED UP AT 3:00 A.M.
THEY LOOKED LIKE THE LEMURS FROM
"MADAGASCAR," YOU KNOW?
[ LAUGHTER ]
"HEY, ALEC [GROWLS]
HOW ARE YOU?
[ GROWLS ]
SO GOOD TO SEE YOU.
[ GROWLS ]"
GETTING HIT IN THE EYE WITH BITS
OF MOLAR.
YOU KNOW, IT WAS LIKE STANDING
IN FRONT OF A CHIPPER.
THAT STUFF IS HORRIBLE.
YOU EVER NOTICE WHEN GAY GUYS DO
TOO MUCH CRYSTAL, THEY ALWAYS
END UP LOOKING LIKE GOLLUM FROM
"THE LORD OF THE RINGS" TRILOGY,
YOU KNOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ As Gollum ] "WE LOVES THE
WHITE PARTY."
[ Normal voice ] I CAN'T DO THAT
STUFF.
IT SCARES ME.
I CAN'T DO COKE 'CAUSE IT MAKES
ME POO IN MY PANTS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I ALWAYS GET THAT FIRST-BUMP
DUMP, YOU KNOW.
[ SNORTS ] PBHT!
YOU KNOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
DIFFICULT LESSON TO LEARN AT THE
WHITE PARTY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
NOW, I KNOW I SHOULDN'T START
OFF THE SHOW WITH A POOP STORY,
BUT I JUST WANTED TO SET THE BAR
LOW AND...
[ LAUGHTER ]
...WEED OUT THE SISSIES, 'CAUSE
IF YOU'VE FOUND ANYTHING I'VE
SAID SO FAR OFFENSIVE, JUST RUN
NOW.
JUST LEAVE.
OH, MY GOD.
LOOK AT YOU.
YOU'RE SO BEAUTIFUL.
WHAT AN ATTRACTIVE BUNCH.
GAY MEN TEND TO BE ON THE
HANDSOME SIDE 'CAUSE THEY ALL
HAVE "GAY FACE," RIGHT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WELL, YOU ONLY GET CHEEKBONES
LIKE THAT FROM SUCKING COCK,
RIGHT?
[ LAUGHTER ]
BOY, THAT ADAM LAMBERT NUMBER ON
THE A.M.A.s IS LOOKING PRETTY
TAME NOW, ISN'T IT?
[ LAUGHTER ]
NO, IT'S QUITE A WORK OUT.
DID YOU EVER NOTICE WHEN YOU'RE
BLOWING A GUY WITH A MUSHROOM
HEAD, IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE
SAYING "WOW."
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND IF YOU'RE BLOWING A GUY WITH
A CURVED ONE AND A MUSHROOM
HEAD, YOU LOOK LIKE A BLACK GIRL
SAYING "WOW," YOU KNOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
OH, MY GOD.
I TALK ABOUT SEX A LOT BECAUSE I
JUST FEEL WE HAVE A REAL
JUVENILE SENSE OF SHAME IN THE
GAY COMMUNITY WHEN IT COMES TO
SEX AND SEXUALITY.
PEOPLE FEEL SO ASHAMED, AND YOU
SHOULDN'T FEEL ASHAMED, BECAUSE
IT FEELS SO FUCKING AMAZING!
GAY SEX IS, LIKE, THE PERFECT
CHRISTMAS GIFT.
IT'S FUN TO GIVE, IT'S FUN TO
GET, AND EVEN IF IT DOESN'T FIT,
IT'S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS, AM
I RIGHT?
[ LAUGHTER ]
LOST MY VIRGINITY TO A GREAT BIG
BLACK GUY.
ONE MOMENT I WAS A PERFECT
ROSEBUD.
THE NEXT MINUTE, IT WAS LIKE,
YOU KNOW, RINGING A DINNER BELL,
YOU KNOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
COTTON CANDY MACHINE AT THE
COUNTY FAIR.
YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN AN ABSOLUTELY
TERRIFIC AUDIENCE.
ENJOY THE REST OF THE SHOW.
>> ALEC MAPA.
PINGA GRANDE -- MY NEW DRAG
NAME.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I'VE WORKED UNDER MANY DRAG
NAMES.
I WAS IN AFGHANISTAN FOR YEARS
AS DELTA BURKA.
[ LAUGHTER ]
CONTINUING ON OUR SPIRITUAL
JOURNEY, WE'RE GOING TO NOW --
FROM A FILIPINO, WE'RE GOING TO
MEET A MEXICAN GIRL FROM
SCOTTSBLUFF, NEBRASKA...
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
...WHERE ALL THE MEXICANS COME
FROM.
AT LEAST, I THINK THAT'S WHAT
THEY'RE TRYING TO TELL US NOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SHE GOT OUT FAST.
SHE LEFT NEBRASKA FAST, LIKE A
SMART MEXICAN, AND WENT TO
MEXICO...
[ LAUGHTER ]
...WHERE SHE LEARNED ENOUGH
SPANISH SO SHE COULD GET BY IN
AMERICA.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SHE CAME BACK, AND HERE SHE IS
TO SHARE HER ADVENTURE --
SANDRA VALLS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> BUT I ACTUALLY HAD A
GIRLFRIEND WHO WAS LIKE, "YOU
KNOW, YOU'RE FUNNY.
YOU SHOULD TAKE A CLASS."
AND I'M LIKE, "WOW, THERE'S A
CLASS?"
SHE'S LIKE, "YEAH, YOU SHOULD
TAKE A CLASS.
I'M GONNA SIGN YOU UP FOR IT."
WE WEREN'T HAVING A VERY GOOD
RELATIONSHIP, SO WE WERE IN
COUPLE'S THERAPY.
AND, OKAY, THAT'S WHAT LESBIANS
DO.
AND LIKE TWO WEEKS BEFORE THE
COMEDY CLASS, SHE BREAKS UP WITH
ME.
AND SHE'S LIKE, "WELL, WHAT
ABOUT THE COMEDY CLASS?"
I'M ALL, "ARE YOU SERIOUS?"
SHE'S LIKE, "I ALREADY PAID FOR
IT."
SO MY FIRST COMEDY SHOW WAS
BITCHING ABOUT HER.
AND SHE WAS IN THE AUDIENCE.
AND I'M LIKE, "THIS IS GREAT
THERAPY.
YOU'RE PAYING ME TO TELL YOU
WHAT MY CRAZY HEAD SAYS."
I'M WHAT'S CALLED A "GOLD-STAR
LESBIAN," WHICH I'VE NEVER HAD
SEX WITH A GUY.
NOT BECAUSE I DIDN'T TRY.
I'M LIKE, "I'M GONNA HAVE SEX
WITH A GUY JUST TO SEE WHAT IT'S
LIKE," YOU KNOW, JUST TO SEE.
AND WE'RE MAKING OUT.
I'M LIKE, "NOT BAD, PRETTY
GOOD."
AND THE GUY WAS GREAT.
AND NOTHING WRONG WITH THE GUY.
THE MINUTE HE PULLED HIS PANTS
DOWN, I GO LIKE THIS, "OOH,
YEAH, NO."
THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I SAID.
I WAS LIKE, "I CA--
UH, SORRY."
IT JUST WASN'T ORGANIC.
IT JUST WASN'T.
I'M NOT ONE OF THOSE LESBIANS
THAT'S, LIKE, ANTI-PENIS.
I'M NOT.
I WISH I HAD ONE, LIKE, FOR LIKE
A DAY.
HE ACTUALLY CALLED ME, AND HE'S
LIKE, "UH, DOES IT MAKE YOU GAY
IF YOU, UH, EXPERIMENT?"
I'M LIKE, "NO.
BECAUSE IT WOULD MAKE ME
STRAIGHT THAT I EXPERIMENTED
WITH YOU."
HE'S LIKE, "OKAY."
I'M LIKE, "WHY ARE YOU ASKING?"
"OH, UH, 'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, ME
AND A GUY ONCE..."
I'M LIKE, "OH."
SECRETLY, I'M THINKING, "THAT'S
PRETTY GAY," BUT I'M NOT GONNA
SAY IT.
I GO, "NO, IT DOESN'T."
HE GOES, "HOW ABOUT TWICE?"
I GO, "HOW LONG ARE WE TALKING
HERE?"
AND HE GOES, "A YEAR."
I'M LIKE, "YOU'RE A FAG.
IS IT 'CAUSE OF ME?
IS IT 'CAUSE OF ME?"
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WHAT'S UP?!
THANK YOU! THANK YOU!
WHAT'S UP, MY HOMOS?!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
HOW YOU DOING, STRAIGHT FOLKS?
[ LIGHT CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WELCOME, EVIL
"HETERO-FLEXIBLES."
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
YOU MAKE US FALL IN LOVE WITH
YOU.
THEN YOU BREAK UP WITH US, BREAK
OUR HEART, GO TO A MAN!
[ LAUGHTER ]
GOD-DAMN L.U.B.s!
"LESBIANS UNTIL THEY FIND A
BOYFRIEND."
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY.
FUCK ME ONCE, SHAME ON YOU.
FUCK ME TWICE...
20 BUCKS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT'S VERY GAY.
WE LOVE FESTIVITIES.
WE LOVE HOLIDAYS.
I LOVE ALL HOLIDAYS, EXCEPT
HALLOWEEN.
'CAUSE I'M MEXICAN, AND YOU KNOW
WHAT THAT MEANS -- HOMEMADE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
MY MOTHER USED TO MAKE ALL OUR
COSTUMES.
SHE WOULDN'T EVEN CALL IT
HALLOWEEN.
SHE CALLED IT "TLICK OR TLEET."
WHAT?
[ LAUGHTER ]
"OH, STUPID, TLICK OR TLEET."
NOT EVEN "TRICK OR TREAT" --
"TLICK OR TLEET."
[ LAUGHTER ]
I'M ALL, "MAMI, MAMI, WHAT AM I
GONNA BE FOR TLICK OR TLEET?"
SHE'S ALL, "GO GET YOUR FATHER'S
CLOTHES AND GET SOME PILLOWS.
YOU'RE A FAT MAN."
[ LAUGHTER ]
"NO! I WAS A FAT MAN LAST YEAR!"
ONE YEAR I TRIED TO MAKE IT
EASIER ON HER, AND I'M ALL LIKE,
"I'LL BE A GHOST."
HOW DO YOU FUCK UP A GHOST?
[ LAUGHTER ]
'CAUSE WE DON'T HAVE WHITE
SHEETS -- THAT'S HOW.
WE HAVE THESE
YELLOW-ROSE-PRINTED SHIT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WHAT?!
AND THEN SHE WAS CUTTING ONE
EYE, AND SHE MESSED UP, SO I HAD
THIS ONE FUCKED-UP EYE.
I WAS ALL, "[ Voice breaking ]
TLICK OR TLEET.
TLICK OR TLEET."
LET'S TALK ABOUT SOMETHING NICE,
SOMETHING NOT TOO TRAUMATIZING.
LET'S TALK ABOUT MY GIRLFRIEND.
I LOVE MY GIRLFRIEND.
LET'S TALK ABOUT HER ASS.
OKAY, YOU KNOW, FUCK IT.
LET'S TALK ABOUT MY GIRLFRIEND'S
ASS.
SHE'S THIS BEAUTIFUL, JUICY
BLACK GIRL WITH AN ASS.
OKAY, HER ASS IS TIGHT, BUT IT'S
GOT SPREADABILITY.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
[ LAUGHTER ]
SEE, I BELIEVE AN ASS SHOULD
OPEN ON COMMAND, BUT NOT FALL
APART, YOU KNOW?
[ LAUGHTER ]
GAY GUYS, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M
TALKING ABOUT.
YOU'RE INTO ASS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
JUICY!
SKINNY GIRLS, I CAN'T FUCK YOU.
THAT'S LIKE FUCKING A BICYCLE.
I'M SORRY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT'S REALLY PAINFUL.
YOU'RE DOWN THERE, DOING YOUR
THING.
"OW, OW, OW!"
[ LAUGHTER ]
FUCKING HIPBONE IN YOUR FACE.
"WHAT HAPPENED?"
THE NEXT DAY, YOU GO TO WORK
WITH RACCOON EYES.
WHAT THE FUCK?
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU'RE ALL, "I WAS JUMPED."
YOUR TOOTH IS LOOSE.
GOD DAMN!
[ LAUGHTER ]
MY GIRLFRIEND'S JUICY,
BEAUTIFUL.
SHE'S BLACK. I'M MEXICAN.
WE HAVE BEAUTIFUL CULTURAL
DIFFERENCES.
IN FACT, I REALIZED THAT BLACK
PEOPLE LAUGH ONE OF TWO WAYS.
EITHER THEY LAUGH REALLY LOUD,
LIKE REALLY EXPRESSIVE, LIKE IF
A BLACK PERSON'S SITTING HERE
AND THINKS I'M FUNNY, THEY'D BE
LIKE, "WHOO WHOO," OR, "OH,
SNAP, NO, SHE DIDN'T.
OH. OH, NO, SHE DIDN'T."
[ LAUGHTER ]
OR THEY JUST REPEAT WHAT YOU
JUST SAID.
[ LAUGHTER ]
HERE'S HOW MY GIRLFRIEND USED TO
LAUGH AT MY JOKES THE WHOLE
FIRST YEAR OF OUR RELATIONSHIP.
"SHE SAID, 'THAT'S LIKE FUCKING
A BICYCLE.'"
[ LAUGHTER ]
"MNH MNH MNH."
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
I'M ALL, "SHE SAID?
IT'S ONLY ME IN THE ROOM."
[ LAUGHTER ]
"WHO YOU TALKING TO?
ARE YOU ON THE PHONE?
WHO'S SHE?"
ME.
OR IF SHE REALLY THOUGHT I WAS
FUNNY, SHE'D BE ALL, "SHE SAID,
'THAT'S LIKE FUCKING A
BICYCLE.'
YOU STUPID."
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND THEN, OF COURSE, MY WHITE
FRIENDS -- "[GASPS] SHE CALLED
YOU STUPID!
THAT'S ABUSIVE!"
I'M LIKE, "NO, WHITE PEOPLE."
[ LAUGHTER ]
"IT'S NOT ABUSIVE!
STUPID EQUALS FUNNY!
I'M THE STUPIDEST OF THEM ALL!"
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE IN LOVE YOU
WANT TO TRY NEW THINGS WITH YOUR
PARTNER?
THEY EXPAND YOUR HORIZONS?
SHE'S ALL, "LET'S TRY NEW
THINGS, BABY.
LET'S TRY NEW THINGS.
LET'S TRY A LITTLE S&M."
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
RIGHT?
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT'S NOT AS EASY AS YOU THINK.
APPARENTLY, YOU HAVE TO THINK OF
A SAFE WORD OR A CODE WORD THAT
HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE SEX
ACT, LIKE "BROCCOLI" OR
"CURTAIN" OR SOME SHIT.
I DON'T KNOW.
BECAUSE APPARENTLY, "OW! OW!
THAT HURTS! I'M BLEEDING! OW!"
IT'S NOT ENOUGH.
[ LAUGHTER ]
NO.
WE HAD TO GO THROUGH A SLEW OF
WORDS.
WE FINALLY DECIDED, "KANGAROO,
THEN.
KANGAROO."
BUT THEN SHE FLIPPED THE SCRIPT.
SHE'S LIKE, "KANGAROO HAS TO
ALSO BE THE WORD WE USE TO GET
OUT OF A SOCIAL SITUATION."
[ LAUGHTER ]
WHAT THE HELL?
WHAT AM I GONNA BE AT A PARTY,
BEING ALL LIKE, "HEY.
[ LAUGHS ]
THOSE ARE REALLY NICE BOOTS
THERE.
WHAT ARE THEY -- KANGAROO?"
[ LAUGHTER ]
TOTALLY TRUE STORY.
MY GIRLFRIEND "USED TO BE
STRAIGHT."
BUT SHE USED TO TALK A LOT ABOUT
WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO KISS A GIRL!
SO, YOU KNOW, I DECIDED THAT I
WOULD BE THE ONE TO, YOU KNOW,
SHOW HER.
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU KNOW, WE USED TO WORK
TOGETHER, SO I'M LIKE, "I'M NOT
GONNA DO IT TILL THE CHRISTMAS
PARTY."
[ LAUGHTER ]
'CAUSE YOU KNOW HOW STRAIGHT
GIRLS GET AT CHRISTMAS PARTIES.
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU KNOW? RIGHT? RIGHT?
OPEN BAR.
SO I DIDN'T EAT ALL DAY, BUT I'M
AT THE CHRISTMAS PARTY.
I MEAN, THAT'S A LOT OF PRESSURE
ON ME, YOU KNOW?
IT'S HER FIRST LESBIAN KISS.
I'M REPRESENTING ALL YOU
BITCHES!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THAT'S A LOT OF PRESSURE.
IF I DO IT WRONG, SHE'S LIKE, "I
KISSED A GIRL, AND IT SUCKED."
NO.
LOT OF PRESSURE. I DRANK A LOT.
I'M LIKE THE ROSA PARKS OF
LESBIANS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SO I DRANK A LOT.
FINALLY, I'M LIKE, "LET'S GET
OUT OF HERE."
I'M FEELING GOOD, REALLY
CONFIDENT.
"LET'S GET OUT OF HERE."
SO I'M IN THE LINE AT
7-ELEVEN -- TRUE STORY, BY THE
WAY -- WITH MY MENTOS AND SARAN
WRAP.
I'M GOOD.
[ LAUGHTER ]
STRAIGHT PEOPLE, I'LL EXPLAIN
LATER.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS, MAYBE
THE MOP THAT SMELLED LIKE ASS OR
THE WIENERS THAT HAD BEEN THERE
FOR A YEAR, WITH THE HERPES, BUT
ALL OF A SUDDEN, THE STENCH CAME
AND FUCKING SLAPPED ME IN THE
FACE, AND I'M ALL "[GAGGING] OH,
NO.
NOT IN FRONT OF THE HOT CHICK.
NO!"
I'M ALL, "MAYBE I'LL ASK THE GUY
FOR THE -- GO TO THE BATHROOM.
EXCUSE ME, SIR?
[ GAGS ]
SIR?"
TRUE STORY.
"UH, ANUS, EXCUSE ME."
THAT WAS HIS NAME.
AND HE GOES, "MY NAME IS
'ANOOSE.'"
[ LAUGHTER ]
OKAY.
IN AMERICA, A-N-U-S IS ANUS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
"EXCUSE ME.
CAN I PLEASE USE YOUR BATHROOM?"
"NO, GO ACROSS THE STREET."
I'M LIKE, "SHIT."
"MAYBE THE GUY OVER THERE BY THE
COFFEE."
TRUE STORY.
"EXCUSE ME, SHIT-HEAD."
[ LAUGHTER ]
"MY NAME IS 'SHA TEED.'"
WHAT THE FUCK?!
[ LAUGHTER ]
NO!
THEN DON'T PUT A HYPHEN BETWEEN
THE "T" AND THE "H."
PUT IT TOGETHER.
"CAN I USE YOUR BATHROOM?"
"NO, GO ACROSS THE STREET."
I'M LIKE, "FUCK YOU, ANUS AND
SHIT-HEAD!
ROT IN HELL!"
[ LAUGHTER ]
I GO ACROSS SUNSET BOULEVARD,
DODGING CARS.
[ IMITATING CARS ]
I FINALLY GET TO A GAS STATION.
"EXCUSE ME, JUAN."
HE'S ALL, "MY NAME IS 'JEW ON.'"
I'm just kidding.
[ LAUGHTER ]
"CAN I PLEASE USE THE BATHROOM?"
"SURE, GO AHEAD."
HE GIVES ME THIS KEY ATTACHED
TO, LIKE, A MUFFLER...
[ LAUGHTER ]
...OR SOMETHING.
I GO TO THE DOOR, AND I OPEN IT.
TRUE STORY.
I LOOK IN THERE -- EYE LEVEL --
THERE IS FRESH SHIT ON THE WALL.
[ AUDIENCE GROANS ]
I'M ALL, "OH, MY GOD!
HOW DID IT GET UP THERE?
OHHHH!"
IT'S A FUCKED-UP JACKSON POLLOCK
OF CRAP AND CURRY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I BRING THE KEY BACK.
AND REAL SNOBBY, I SAY, "WHY DO
YOU KEEP IT LOCKED?
YOU AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN
IT?"
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
AND I WALK BACK.
I WALK BACK TO THE CAR, AND I
HICCUP, AND I THROW UP AGAIN!
[ AUDIENCE GROANS ]
BUT MY GIRLFRIEND NEVER
MENTIONED IF FOR FOUR YEARS.
THAT'S TRUE LOVE.
NOW, HERE'S WHAT I'M SAYING --
"WHEN YOU FIND LOVE, YOU HANG ON
TO IT."
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
WE HAVE A LONG WAY TO WORK ON
THIS GAY-MARRIAGE THING, BUT I
BELIEVE WE CAN DO IT 'CAUSE
WE'RE ALL CONNECTED.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
RIGHT.
I BELIEVE THAT ONE HUMAN
REVOLUTION IN JUST ONE PERSON
CAN CHANGE THE WORLD.
YOU CHANGE YOURSELF, YOU CHANGE
THE WORLD.
MANY IN BODY, ONE IN MIND.
LET'S GO CHANGE THE WORLD,
PEOPLE.
THANK YOU. I'M SANDRA VALLS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> SANDRA VALLS!
AY, PAPI!
NOW I KNOW WHENEVER -- LAST
YEAR, WHEN I WAS WRITING THE
OSCARS SHOW, WHENEVER I'D GO
INTO HUGH JACKMAN'S ROOM, HE'D
SAY, "KANGAROO!"
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT'S HIS SAFE WORD.
HERE'S WHAT I LOVE ABOUT WRITING
THE ACADEMY AWARDS.
YOU GET TO SAY THE FOLLOWING
THING, "SOPHIA LOREN, MEET
JACK BLACK."
[ LAUGHTER ]
SHE HAD NO IDEA WHO HE WAS.
WELL, WHY SHOULD SHE?
YOU THINK SHE'S SITTING AT HOME,
WATCHING "NACHO LIBRE"?
[ LAUGHTER ]
BUT SHE WAS GRACIOUS.
SHE WAS INCREDIBLY GRACIOUS.
SHE'S SOPHIA LOREN, YOU KNOW?
SHE'S GREAT.
SHE STOOD THERE WITH ONE HAND ON
HER HIP -- WHICH SHE HAS TO DO,
OR SHE'LL PITCH FORWARD.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SHE'S STRUCTURALLY UNSOUND.
[ LAUGHTER ]
REQUIRES CONSTANT BUTTRESSING.
THAT'S WHAT THE HUSBAND DID, I
THINK.
HE WAS SHORT, WOULD RUN IN FRONT
OF HER GOING, "SOPHIA, FALL
FORWARD."
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND SO, YOU KNOW, BUT SHE WAS AS
SWEET AS COULD BE.
SHE BEGAN SPEAKING TO HIM IN
MENU ITALIAN, YOU KNOW, THAT
KIND OF THICK ITALIAN -- LIKE,
"PUTTANESCA, ALFRESCO,
PARMESAN."
AND SHE HAD NO IDEA WHAT SHE WAS
SAYING, AND NEITHER DID HE, AND
IT WAS FINE.
AND THEN SHIRLEY MacLAINE CAME
OVER AND TOOK HER AROUND AND
INTRODUCED HER TO PEOPLE SHIRLEY
KNEW FROM A PREVIOUS LIFE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND WE HAD A WONDERFUL SHOW.
NOW, ON THIS JOURNEY THAT WE'RE
CONTINUING TO GO, WE'RE GOING
SOMEPLACE EVEN STRANGER, IF YOU
CAN IMAGINE THIS.
THIS GUY HAS MY UNDYING
ADMIRATION.
THIS GUY IS AN OUT COMIC WHO IS
ABOUT TO GO ON HIS 35th TOUR OF
IRAQ, AS A STAND-UP FOR OUR
TROOPS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
YEP.
THIS IS WHAT THE FUTURE LOOKS
LIKE.
SCOTT KENNEDY.
>> AND ALL MY BUDDIES ALWAYS ASK
ME, TOO.
THEY'RE LIKE, "WAS IT EASIER FOR
YOU?
I MEAN, YOU PLAYED FOOTBALL WITH
US.
NOBODY KNOWS YOU'RE GAY TILL YOU
TELL THEM.
WHY DO YOU TELL THEM?"
I MEAN, I DON'T SKIP AND SING
SHOW TUNES.
I'M FROM TEXAS.
PEOPLE THINK I'M A REDNECK, BUT
I'M A PINK NECK.
SO IT'S KIND OF THE SAME THING,
I MEAN, 'CAUSE I'M STILL A GUY.
I THINK NINTH GRADE OR WHATEVER,
I WAS JERKING OFF IN THE
SHOWERS, 'CAUSE I ENJOY THAT,
AND THE COACH CAME IN.
I PLAYED FOOTBALL.
THE COACH WAS LIKE, "WHAT THE
FUCK?"
I GO, "IT'S MY PENIS.
I'LL WASH IT AS FAST AS I WANT."
THAT'S NOT A GAY THING, BY THE
WAY.
OH, MY GOD, SERIOUSLY.
GUYS, IF YOU'RE IN HIGH SCHOOL
AND YOU -- IT'S NOT GAY.
IT'S JUST WE THINK ABOUT
DIFFERENT THINGS.
I GO ONCE A MONTH TO IRAQ, EVERY
MONTH FOR 12 DAYS.
I'M GONNA BE HONEST WITH YOU, I
MEAN, IF YOU DON'T THINK THERE'S
GAYS IN THE MILITARY, THERE ARE.
IF YOU'RE SAYING I CAN'T FIGHT
FOR MY COUNTRY OR I'M NOT
PATRIOTIC, MAN, I'VE BEEN THERE
35 TIMES.
I GOT SHOT RIGHT HERE.
I'VE BEEN TO AFGHANISTAN NINE
TIMES.
IT'S NOT ABOUT SEX, MAN.
WHEN YOU'RE GETTING SHOT AT...
THAT'S THE ONLY WAY I CAN SERVE
MY COUNTRY, AND I FEEL VERY
STRONGLY ABOUT IT.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU CAN SEE
THOSE, BUT, YEAH.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
AND I HAVE ACTUALLY HAD THIS
BIGGEST MARINE I'VE EVER SEEN IN
MY LIFE.
HE WOULD SCARE YOU TO DEATH.
AND AT THE END OF MY SHOW, HE
CAME UP TO ME.
HE HUGGED ME AND WHISPERED IN MY
EAR, "I'M FAMILY," WHICH MEANS
HE'S GAY.
SO IF YOU'RE PATRIOTIC AND YOU
WANT TO FIGHT FOR YOUR COUNTRY,
I DON'T THINK IT MATTERS WHAT
YOU DO IN YOUR BEDROOM.
I MEAN, I DON'T WANT TO KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE DOING IN YOUR
BEDROOM.
IT MIGHT BE NASTY WITH A GIRL
AND A BOY AND A...
ANYWAY -- I MEAN, I STILL LOVE
YOU, BUT I JUST -- I DON'T NEED
TO HEAR IT.
DON'T PREACH ABOUT IT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THANK YOU, GUYS, VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
AH, THANK YOU, GUYS.
WOW!
WHAT A NICE CROWD!
YOU GUYS ARE VERY POLITE.
YOU APPLAUD WHEN WE COME ON
STAGE, AND THAT MAKES US FEEL
GOOD, LIKE WE HAVE A GOOD JOB.
AND THIS IS A GOOD JOB, TOO.
DON'T GET ME WRONG.
I JUST -- I DON'T THINK IT'S,
LIKE, THE BEST JOB IN THE WORLD
OR ANYTHING.
I'VE GIVEN THAT SOME THOUGHT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
BEST JOB IN THE WORLD?
I THINK IF YOU WORKED AT, LIKE,
A GIFT SHOP AT AN AIRPORT.
[ CHUCKLES ]
YOU COULD BE AS RUDE AS YOU WANT
TO BE, 'CAUSE PEOPLE GOT TO GO.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ LAUGHS ]
YOU COULD BE HONEST EVERY DAY,
BE LIKE, "YEAH, SNICKERS ARE
THREE FOR A DOLLAR, BUT YOUR FAT
ASS DOESN'T NEED THREE."
[ LAUGHTER ]
"OH, DO I HAVE A MANAGER?
YEAH, HE'LL BE BACK IN LIKE AN
HOUR, SO..."
[ LAUGHTER ]
"TICKTOCK, MOTHERFUCKER,
TICKTOCK."
OH, IT'S SO GOOD TO BE HERE FOR
SHOWTIME.
I WAS ACTUALLY IN LAS VEGAS THIS
WEEK, SO I FLEW IN JUST FOR THE
SHOW, AND I HAD A CONVERSATION
WITH A CAB DRIVER.
AND I ONLY BRING THIS UP 'CAUSE
IT HAS GONE THROUGH MY MIND ALL
DAY LONG.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE EVER HAD
A CONVERSATION WITH SOMEBODY,
AND THE WHOLE DAY, YOU THINK,
"WAS I THE ASSHOLE, OR WAS HE
THE ASSHOLE?"
[ LAUGHTER ]
RIGHT?
AND I KEEP REPLAYING THE
CONVERSATION IN MY HEAD.
HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED.
I WAS IN LAS VEGAS.
CABDRIVER OBVIOUSLY CAME TO THE
HOTEL.
HE GOES, "WHERE DO YOU NEED TO
GO TO, MR. KENNEDY?"
"I NEED TO GO TO L.A.
I'M GOING TO THE AIRPORT."
HE GOES, "OH, VERY NICE."
HE GOES, "YOU'RE FLYING TO
L.A.?"
I GO, "YEAH."
HE PICKED UP MY SUITCASE, AND
THEN HE SAID, "MM, BIG BAG,
SHORT TRIP."
[ CHUCKLES ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND I WAS LIKE, "MAYBE ME STAY
LONG TIME."
WHAT THE FUCK?
WHY ARE WE TALKING NATIVE
AMERICAN ALL OF A SUDDEN?
[ LAUGHTER ]
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
I THINK IT WAS ME AND NOT HIM,
TO BE HONEST WITH YOU, 'CAUSE MY
CONVERSATION SKILLS, LIKE, THEY
KEPT ALL DAY LONG TODAY.
A FRIEND OF MINE PICKED ME UP AT
THE AIRPORT, AND WE'VE BEEN
FRIENDS SINCE WE WERE IN
DIAPERS.
HE LIVES OUT HERE WITH HIS
FAMILY.
HE WAS DRIVING ME BACK TO MY
HOUSE, AND HE GOES, "HEY, SCOTT,
DO YOU MIND IF WE STOP ON THE
WAY?"
I GO, "NO, NOT AT ALL."
WE ENDED UP AT THE MALL, AND
WE'RE WALKING THROUGH THE MALL.
I GO, "HEY, WHAT ARE WE BUYING
AT THE MALL?"
HE GOES, "OH, I NEED TO PICK UP
SHAUN SOME THINGS."
SHAUN'S HIS LITTLE BOY, WHO
WASN'T WITH US.
AND I GO, "COOL.
WHAT ARE WE BUYING SHAUNDY
TODAY?"
AND HE GOES, "OH, I NEED TO PICK
HIM UP SOME TOPS."
AND I GO, "OKAY.
UM, DO YOU MEAN SHIRTS?"
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND HE GOES, "YEAH, I CALL MY
SON'S SHIRTS TOPS."
[ Laughing ] AND I GO, "WELL, IF
YOU CONTINUE TO CALL YOUR SON'S
SHIRTS TOPS, HE'S GONNA END UP A
BOTTOM."
[ LAUGHTER ]
YEAH, I THINK I'M RIGHT, BUT,
UH...
SO, WE GOT A BIG, DIVERSE CROWD.
WHERE ARE THE STRAIGHT PEOPLE?
BY APPLAUSE, STRAIGHT FOLKS?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
DON'T BE --
YEAH?
DON'T BE SHY. IT'S OKAY.
I MEAN, WE KNOW YOU WERE BORN
THAT WAY.
IT'S OKAY.
I MEAN, FUCK.
IF YOU HAVE A PARADE, I'LL
MARCH.
I DON'T GIVE A FUCK. RIGHT?
I MEAN, I DON'T WANT YOU
TEACHING KIDS.
I'LL BE HONEST.
BUT OTHER THAN THAT...
[ LAUGHTER ]
...I DON'T CARE...
WHAT YOU DO.
OH, MY GOD. OVER HERE, SIR.
YOU APPLAUDED. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
NO, RIGHT THERE IN THE BLACK.
DIDN'T YOU? STRAIGHT GUY?
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
>> ANDREW.
>> ANDREW.
I'M SCOTT. NICE TO MEET YOU.
WHERE YOU FROM, ANDREW?
>> BOSTON.
>> BOSTON.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
I'LL BE FLYING THERE TOMORROW,
ACTUALLY.
AND BIG BAG, TOO.
[ LAUGHTER ]
OH, MY GOD.
SO, HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO
LAS VEGAS BEFORE?
>> YEAH.
>> YEAH, IT'S FUN, ISN'T IT?
SO, YOU'RE STRAIGHT?
>> YEAH.
>> NEVER BEEN WITH A GUY?
>> NO.
>> NO. ALL RIGHT.
WELL, YOU KNOW, PEOPLE SEE
DIFFERENT THINGS IN DIFFERENT
PEOPLE.
LIKE ME, I'M A GOOD COOK.
AND WHEN I TELL PEOPLE I'M A
GOOD COOK, THEY FREAK OUT.
THEY'RE LIKE, "REALLY?!"
[ LAUGHTER ]
I SWEAR TO GOD.
I'M LIKE, "I CAN COOK."
"REALLY?!"
WHY WOULD YOU BE THAT SURPRISED
THAT I CAN COOK?
I'M A BIG BOY.
I CAN COOK, YOU KNOW?
THAT GOES HAND IN HAND.
I MEAN, I LIKE TO DRINK.
I LIKE TO GAMBLE.
I HAVE A VERY ADDICTIVE
PERSONALITY.
IN FACT, I JUST BOUGHT A BOOK ON
ADDICTION.
I FUCKING LOVE IT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ Laughing ] I DO.
I'M GONNA BUY ANOTHER COPY, I
THINK.
I HOPE THE GUY ANSWERS HIS PAGE.
SO, ANDREW, YOU'VE NEVER BEEN
WITH A GUY?
>> NO.
>> EVER?
>> NO.
>> REALLY?! EVER?
[ LAUGHTER ]
NOTHING?
LIKE, SERIOUSLY, LIKE A
SEVENTH-GRADE SLEEPOVER, A TENT
IN THE BACK, YOU KNOW, SWORD
FIGHT, NOTHING?
[ LAUGHTER ]
LOOK AT ALL THE STRAIGHT GUYS
GOING, "A SWORD FIGHT COUNTS?"
NO, IT DOESN'T.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT DOESN'T COUNT.
DID YOU PLAY SPORTS GROWING UP,
ANDREW?
>> I DID.
>> WHAT DID YOU PLAY?
>> I RAN TRACK.
>> [ Laughing ] TRACK?
AND YOU NEVER SUCKED A DICK?
[ LAUGHTER ]
I'M SORRY.
DID I SAY THAT OUT LOUD?
I MEAN, 'CAUSE I PLAYED
FOOTBALL, AND I'M THE GAY GUY,
BUT YOU WERE IN TRACK AND FIELD
AND NEVER FUCKED -- ALL RIGHT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ SIGHS ]
WELL, YOU'RE ADORABLE.
I'M ATTRACTED TO GUYS LIKE YOU.
YOU LOOK LIKE YOU COULD THROW A
FOOTBALL AND A TANTRUM, AND THAT
IS EXACTLY...
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ LAUGHS ]
EXACTLY WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR.
OH.
BUT, ACTUALLY, I'M NOT LOOKING
ANYMORE.
I ACTUALLY HAVE A BOYFRIEND NOW.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
YEP.
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TAKE THAT.
YOU'RE APPLAUDING.
"OH, THE BIG FAT GUY GOT
SOMETHING.
THAT'S NICE."
'CAUSE, SERIOUSLY, IT'S NOT EASY
FOR ME.
WHEN I WAS DATING -- I MEAN, IF
YOU LOOK LIKE ME AND YOU'RE GAY
AND GO TO A GAY BAR, GUYS DON'T
THINK YOU'RE THERE TO BLOW THEM.
THEY THINK YOU'RE THERE TO BASH
THEM.
[ Laughing ] YOU KNOW WHAT I
MEAN?
I MEAN, I'LL WALK IN, DRESSED
LIKE THIS.
I'M LIKE, "HEY, WHAT'S UP?"
THEY'RE LIKE, "I DON'T THINK
SO."
[ IMITATES WHISTLE ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ IMITATES WHISTLE ]
THEY'RE BLOWING THE RAPE
WHISTLE.
[ IMITATES WHISTLE ]
CUT TO FOUR LESBIANS KICKING THE
SHIT OUT OF ME.
NO, LESBIANS -- WHERE ARE THE
LESBIANS AT, BY APPLAUSE?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THERE YOU GO.
I LOVE MY LESBIAN SISTERS.
AND I WILL TELL YOU THIS -- IF
YOU'RE STRAIGHT AND YOU DON'T
KNOW THIS, LESBIANS ARE VERY,
VERY POWERFUL PEOPLE.
I SWEAR TO GOD.
IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME, I'LL
GIVE YOU A COUPLE SCENARIOS THAT
I'VE SEEN.
LIKE, TWO GAY GUYS WALKING DOWN
THE STREET AND A COUPLE STRAIGHT
GUYS ARE WALKING TOWARD THEM,
STRAIGHT GUYS LOOK AT EACH OTHER
AND GO, "PBHT.
FAGS."
RIGHT?
TWO LESBIANS WALKING NEAR THOSE
STRAIGHT PEOPLE, STRAIGHT GUYS
GO, "LET'S CROSS THE STREET."
[ LAUGHTER ]
"I DON'T WANT ANY PROBLEMS."
LESBIANS ARE THE BEST.
I LIVED IN HOUSTON, TEXAS, FOR A
LONG TIME, AND THEY DIDN'T JUST
HAVE ONE LESBIAN BAR THERE.
THEY HAD A WHOLE -- IT WAS AN
OLD, LIKE, SHOPPING CENTER, AND
THEY CONVERTED IT ALL INTO A
LESBIAN COMPLEX.
AND I KNOW THAT SOUNDS LIKE
SOMETHING YOU WOULD GET IN HIGH
SCHOOL, BUT IT'S NOT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
NO, IT WAS LIKE SEVEN DIFFERENT
BARS UNDER ONE ROOF, AND THEY
HAD EVERYTHING YOU COULD
IMAGINE.
IT WASN'T JUST LESBIANS.
IT WAS STRAIGHT PEOPLE COULD GO
THERE, GAY PEOPLE -- WHATEVER.
IT WAS FUN.
BUT I CAN SAY THIS --
I'VE HAD THE MOST FUN IN MY LIFE
IN A LESBIAN BAR, AND I'VE BEEN
SCAREDER THAN I'VE EVER BEEN IN
MY LIFE IN A LESBIAN BAR.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I MEAN, I SWEAR TO GOD -- I
DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW WHAT TRUE
FEAR IS UNTIL YOU WALK INTO A
LESBIAN BAR AT LIKE 1:30 A.M.
AND SEE THREE DRUNK WOMEN
LOOKING AT YOU AT THE BAR,
GOING, "WHO'S THE CUTE CHICK IN
THE JERSEY?"
[ LAUGHTER ]
"WHAT?"
I MEAN, I DRANK THAT FREE BEER.
I'M NOT GONNA LIE TO YOU.
BUT I, UM...
[ LAUGHTER ]
I CAN'T SHOOT POOL, SO THEY
FUCKING KNEW, RIGHT?
[ LAUGHTER ]
OH.
[ SIGHS ]
ANDREW. ARE YOU OKAY?
YOU'RE JUST ROCKING BACK AND
FORTH, GOING...
♪ JESUS LOVES ME ♪
♪ YES, I KNOW ♪
♪ FOR THE BIBLE ♪
[ LAUGHTER ]
DID IT SCARE YOU WHEN I TOLD YOU
I FOUND YOU ATTRACTIVE?
>> NO.
>> [ Laughing ] "NO"?!
OKAY, IT -- LET ME -- IT SHOULD,
ALL RIGHT?
[ LAUGHTER ]
I'M BIG ENOUGH TO HOLD YOU DOWN
AND DO WHATEVER I WANT.
YOU SHOULD BE SCARED TO FUCKING
DEATH.
SERIOUSLY.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
I MEAN, ANDREW, YOU COULD WAKE
UP IN THE MORNING, WEARING THIS
JERSEY AND NOTHING ELSE.
[ Laughing ] DO YOU REALIZE?
YOU'LL BE AT WORK, GOING, "OH,
MY GOD, THAT COMEDY SHOW FOR
SHOWTIME MADE MY BUTT HURT."
HEY, GOD BLESS YOU.
GOD BLESS THE TROOPS.
I'M SCOTT KENNEDY.
THANK YOU, GUYS, VERY MUCH.
>> SCOTT KENNEDY.
ONLY MAN I EVER KNEW WHO WROTE
HIS NAME ON THE WALL OF A
MOSQUE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND PHONE NUMBER.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I WAS THINKING ABOUT -- I
HAVEN'T, YOU KNOW, BEEN TO IRAQ,
BUT I HAVE DRIVEN A HUMMER.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WHICH I UNDERSTAND IS KEY TO THE
IRAQ EXPERIENCE.
IT WAS A FRIEND'S HUMMER, YOU
KNOW, 'CAUSE I -- FIRST OF ALL,
YOU KNOW, I CAN'T GET INTO A
HUMMER.
I MEAN, HAVE YOU TRIED?
IT'S LIKE, YOU HAVE TO GO BUY
THEM BY SIZE.
"I'D LIKE A HUMMER AT 46" LONG."
SO YOU GET INTO THE THING, AND
YOU'RE HUNCHED OVER LIKE THIS.
AND IT HAD ONE OF THOSE RADIOS
THAT IS VOICE ACTIVATED, AND YOU
TELL IT WHAT YOU WANT, AND IT'S
BEEN PROGRAMMED.
SO I SAID, "COUNTRY MUSIC," AND
GARTH BROOKS CAME ON.
AND I SAID, "MOTOWN," AND
THE SUPREMES CAME ON.
AND THEN A WOMAN ON LANKERSHIM
CUT ME OFF, AND I SAID, "YOU
MISERABLE BITCH," AND DR. LAURA
CAME ON.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I ONLY MENTION HER BECAUSE WE
GOT HER OFF THE AIR.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
SHE'S IN RADIO, BUT WE GOT HER
OFF TV.
SO WE HAVE POWER.
AND SPEAKING OF POWER, I AM NOW
GOING TO BRING THE ONLY OTHER
GORGEOUS BLONDE ON THE SHOW,
ASIDE FROM MYSELF, OUT HERE.
WHEN YOU SEE HER, YOUR FIRST
REACTION -- IF YOU'VE NEVER SEEN
HER BEFORE, YOU WILL THINK, "OH,
MY GOD, ELLEN DeGENERES HAS AN
EVIL TWIN."
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND IF YOU HAVE SEEN HER BEFORE,
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE IN FOR --
THE INCREDIBLE POPPY CHAMPLIN.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> MY NAME, POPPY, CAME FROM MY
AUNT POPPY, WHO -- HER REAL NAME
WAS PATRICIA.
BUT FOR THE COMEDY SHOW, I JUST
SAY THAT MY PARENTS WERE HEROIN
ADDICTS.
MAKES IT WORK.
[ Laughing ] YOU KNOW, AND THEN
I SAY MY BROTHER'S NAME'S OPIE.
SO I CAME FROM A BIG DRUGGIE
FAMILY.
BUT I DIDN'T REALLY.
WE SMOKED POT, BUT THAT WAS
ABOUT IT.
AND I QUIT POT NOW, WHICH IS
REALLY IMPORTANT, TO QUIT
SMOKING POT, PEOPLE.
BUT IT'S DIFFICULT TO QUIT WHEN
YOU STILL SELL IT, LIKE I DO.
SO, ANYWAY, FOR A WOMAN TO BE
FUNNY, I THINK, IS A VERY
POWERFUL PLACE TO BE, AND NOT A
LOT OF WOMEN GET TO DO IT.
JOAN RIVERS ACTUALLY WAS ALMOST
A MENTOR FOR ME.
IT WAS KIND OF BIZARRE, BUT I
STARTED DOING TOO MUCH COCAINE,
AND MY VOICE [as Rivers] STARTED
CHANGING, AND I STARTED
SOUNDING...
"CAN WE TALK?"
I JUST STARTED SOUNDING LIKE
JOAN RIVERS.
AY AY AY AY AY AY AY!
[ LAUGHS ]
[ Normal voice ] AND THEN I JUST
STARTED DOING HER ACT, WHICH I
DIDN'T REALIZE I WASN'T SUPPOSED
TO.
AND I ACTUALLY DID IT IN A HOTEL
AND GOT PAID, AND SO I LEARNED
HOW TO BE JOAN RIVERS.
YOU KNOW, I LEARNED HOW TO BE A
COMEDIAN.
2000 -- I THINK I CAME OUT IN
2000, BECAUSE I JUST FELT LIKE I
WASN'T TELLING ALL THE TRUTH.
AND, I THINK, TO BE REALLY GOOD
AND REALLY FUNNY AND -- I GUESS
YOU HAVE TO BE HONEST, YOU KNOW?
YOU CAN'T REALLY HIDE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
YEAH! HOW YOU GUYS DOING?
WHOO!
WE MADE IT!
WE MADE IT TO SHOWTIME!
[ LAUGHS ]
THAT'S AWESOME.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING OUT
TO THE SHOW, YOU BIG GAY PEOPLE!
THANK YOU.
SO, HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE COUPLES?
THAT'S A BIG DEAL, ISN'T IT?
COUPLES?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
HOW ABOUT SINGLES?
SINGLE PEOPLE? SINGLES?
[ LOUD CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WOW.
THAT'S A LOT HAPPIER.
YOU NOTICE THAT? A LOT HAPPIER.
HOW MANY COUPLES ARE LOOKING FOR
A SINGLE?
ANYBODY LIKE THAT?
>> YES!
>> [ Laughing ] YEAH!
THAT IS HAPPENING A LOT, ISN'T
IT?
I ASKED MY LAST GIRLFRIEND IF WE
COULD DO THAT, YOU KNOW, IF I
COULD BRING ANOTHER WOMAN INTO
THE RELATIONSHIP.
AND SHE'S LIKE, "OKAY."
I'M LIKE, "REALLY?"
[ LAUGHTER ]
"I WAS ONLY KIDDING."
SHE'S LIKE, "NO, OKAY, AS LONG
AS I CAN CHOOSE HER."
I'M LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, CHOOSE
HER.
WHAT DO YOU GOT?"
[ LAUGHTER ]
SO WE STARTED SEEING THIS WOMAN
ONCE A WEEK, COST US 140 BUCKS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
[ LAUGHS ]
YEAH, COUPLES COUNSELING.
THAT'S WHERE WE WENT -- COUPLES
COUNSELING.
OH, LESBIANS LOVE GOING TO
COUPLES COUNSELING, DON'T WE?
LOVE IT. LOVE IT. LOVE IT.
LOVE IT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I HAVE HAD TOO MANY PARTNERS IN
MY GAY PROFESSIONAL CAREER.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I COULD START A LAW FIRM AT THIS
POINT IN TIME.
I COULD.
AND MY LAST ONE WAS LIKE
23 YEARS OLD.
THAT WAS RIDICULOUS.
WHAT AM I LOOKING FOR, A JUNIOR
PARTNER?
MAYBE. MAYBE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I'M TELLING YOU, MAN.
AND I DON'T KNOW.
I FIGHT A LITTLE TOO MUCH WHEN I
GET IN RELATIONSHIPS.
ANYBODY FIGHT A LITTLE BIT?
HAVE LITTLE ARGUMENTS?
YOU KNOW, I SWEAR -- I NEEDED,
LIKE, THE DYKE WHISPERER TO COME
IN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WHAT IS WRONG WITH US?
THE THERAPIST SAID, "YOU HAVE A
FEAR OF COMMITMENT, POPPY.
YOU HAVE A FEAR OF COMMITMENT.
AS SOON AS YOU LET SOMEBODY IN,
YOU GET THEM A LITTLE TOO CLOSE,
THEY GET A LITTLE TOO INTIMATE,
YOU GET A LITTLE PERSONAL, YOU
PUSH HER AWAY."
[ LAUGHTER ]
I'M LIKE, "YEAH?
WELL, I'M GETTING RID OF YOU
NEXT WEEK."
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT'S DIFFICULT.
I MEAN, MAYBE I HAVE DIFFICULTY
WITH RELATIONSHIPS, I ADMIT.
I HAVE DIFFICULTY WITH
RELATIONSHIPS BECAUSE I TRAVEL A
LOT AND I'M AN ASSHOLE.
BUT ANYWAY...
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ LAUGHS ]
NO, I TRAVEL.
I TRAVEL A LOT, AND EVEN MY DOG
IS STARTING TO GET PISSED OFF AT
ME.
ARE YOU DOG PEOPLE?
ARE YOU GUYS DOG PEOPLE?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
YES! YES! WHOO!
[ LAUGHS ]
SO, I WANT TO BRING MY DOG WITH
ME, RIGHT?
SO -- BUT HE'S JUST A LITTLE TOO
BIG TO FIT IN THE CARRIER THAT
GOES UNDER THE SEAT ON THE
AIRLINE, RIGHT?
SO, ANYWAY, I GOT HIM SOME
REALLY GOOD DRUGS, AND HE FITS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SO, "AHA!"
[ LAUGHS ]
[ GROWLS ]
"GET IN THERE! GET IN THERE!"
DRAG. DRAG.
SO I'M DRAGGING HIM UP TO THE
COUNTER, AND THE LADY'S LIKE,
"OH, NO.
OH, NO."
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ LAUGHS ]
I'M LIKE "[Laughing] WHAT?
HE'S IN THERE. LOOK. HE FITS."
[ LAUGHS ]
RIGHT?
HIS FACE IS ALL "BLAAH!" YOU
KNOW.
I'M LIKE, "HE'S SLEEPING.
THAT'S HOW COMFORTABLE HE IS."
[ LAUGHTER ]
THEY'RE LIKE, "NO. NO. NO."
[ LAUGHS ]
"WE INSIST THAT THE DOG BE ABLE
TO STAND COMPLETELY UP AND TURN
COMPLETELY AROUND IN THE
CARRIER, OR ELSE WE CONSIDER
THAT TORTURE."
[ LAUGHTER ]
WELL, I CAN'T STAND COMPLETELY
UP AND TURN COMPLETELY AROUND IN
MY SEAT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WHY ISN'T THAT TORTURE?!
THAT'S TORTURE, TOO!
[ LAUGHS ]
NO, THAT'S TORTURE.
ANYWAY, SO I COULDN'T BRING HIM
ON THE PLANE, SO THEN I THOUGHT,
"WELL, THEN I'LL TRY TO GET HIM
ON A TRAIN.
I'LL GET HIM ON THE TRAIN TO
COME WITH ME."
SO, BUT THE TRAINS -- HAVE YOU
TRIED THIS?
THE TRAINS INSIST THAT THE DOG
BE A SERVICE ANIMAL.
WELL, I'M A LITTLE DESPERATE
'CAUSE I WANT TO BRING HIM, SO I
WENT AND I GOT THE ORANGE VEST.
ANYBODY?
[ LAUGHS ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU PUT THE ORANGE VEST ON AND
THE LITTLE LEATHER HARNESS WITH
THE HANDLE AND EVERYTHING, THE
BLACK GLASSES, YOU KNOW.
[ LAUGHS ]
BUT HE'S A SHIH TZU, SO I HAVE
TO WALK LIKE THIS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ LAUGHING ]
THEY'RE LIKE, "NO. NO. NO."
I LOVE THEM, THOUGH.
I LOVE THE EXCURSIONS.
I GO ON ALL THE LESBIAN --
LESBIANS LOVE THE EXCURSIONS ON
THE CRUISES, DON'T WE?
>> YEAH!
>> WE TURN INTO
DORA THE EXPLORER.
WE ARE OUT THERE WITH OUR FANNY
PACK, A MACHETE, A JUNGLE BIKE.
"LET'S GO, LADIES!"
[ LAUGHTER ]
"WE ARE DOING EVERYTHING!"
AND THESE WOMEN ARE VERY EAGER
BEAVERS.
I GOT TO TELL YOU -- VERY EAGER.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ LAUGHS ]
DOUBLE ENTENDRE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ LAUGHS ]
THEY ARE EAGER BEAVERS!
BECAUSE THEY'RE LIKE, "POPPY,
LET'S GO SEE THE RUINS OF TULUM.
I'M LIKE, "ALL RIGHT.
I'M DOWN WITH THE
RUINS OF TULUM.
WHAT TIME WE GOING?"
THEY'RE LIKE, "7:00."
"WHAT?"
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ LAUGHS ]
"7:00 A.M.?
7:00 A.M.?
THAT'S WHEN WE'RE GOING TO SEE
THE RUINS OF TULUM?"
[ LAUGHTER ]
I'M LIKE, "IF I WANT TO SEE
RUINS AT 7:00 A.M., I'LL LOOK IN
THE MIRROR."
I DON'T NEED TO GO TO THE RUINS
OF TULUM.
[ LAUGHS ]
THE MEN, NOT SO MUCH WITH THE
EXCURSIONS, RIGHT, THE GAY MEN?
NO.
ALL THEIR EXCURSIONS ARE PRETTY
MUCH HAPPENING ON THE CRUISE
SHIP.
[ LAUGHS ]
RIGHT? YEAH.
"HAVE A DRINK, A DANCE, AND NOW
LET'S GO FIND THAT REMOTE
BATHROOM I FOUND AT THE OTHER
END OF THE SHIP."
GUYS, YOU GET TO GET BLOWJOBS SO
FAST AND HAVE NO STRINGS
ATTACHED AT ALL.
THAT IS AMAZING TO ME!
[ LAUGHTER ]
THE GUY'S ON HIS KNEES STILL.
"YOU WANT MY NUMBER?"
"NOPE, I'M GOOD."
"OKAY, BYE-BYE. SEE YOU LATER."
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ LAUGHS ]
OH, MY GOD!
LESBIANS, CAN WE DO THAT?
>> NO.
>> UH, NO. HELLO?
[ LAUGHTER ]
AS SOON AS WE HAVE SEX, LET THE
CODEPENDENCY BEGIN.
THAT IS IT.
RIGHT?
OH.
AND THEN WE NEVER BREAK UP.
WE NEVER BREAK UP.
SHOULD HAVE BEEN OVER 55 YEARS
AGO.
WE'RE STILL TOGETHER.
LESBIANS ARE LIKE STAMPS -- ONCE
YOU LICK THEM, THEY STICK.
THAT IS IT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU LEARN. YOU LEARN.
[ LAUGHS ]
YOU LEARN ON THE CRUISES,
THOUGH.
YOU LEARN.
I NEVER GO IN THE MEN'S SAUNA ON
THE CRUISES.
DO NOT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT'S DANGEROUS.
I ALMOST GOT HIT BY FRIENDLY
FIRE.
DON'T GO IN THERE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I DON'T KNOW HOW THEY -- WELL, I
KNOW HOW THEY DO IT -- VIAGRA,
THAT'S HOW THEY DO IT.
RIGHT? THEY DO.
AND NOW THERE'S VIAGRA FOR
WOMEN.
HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THIS?
YEAH.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE SIDE
EFFECTS ARE GONNA BE WITH THAT.
I THINK YOUR LIPS ARE GONNA BLOW
UP LIKE PONTOONS -- THAT'S
WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
HOLY SHIT!
"THAT'S NOT A CAMEL TOE --
THAT'S A CATCHER'S MITT.
THAT'S WHAT YOU GOT GOING ON.
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?"
WHOO!
THAT'S A -- WOW!
TALK ABOUT A "VAGINA MONOLOGUE."
HELLO! HELLO!
[ Laughing ] HELLO!
THANKS A LOT, YOU GUYS!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
GOD BLESS YOU!
>> LET'S BRING THEM ALL OUT.
ALEC MAPA!
SANDRA!
SCOTT KENNEDY!
AND POPPY CHAMPLIN!
HEY!
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
WE'LL BE GAY ALL WEEK.
SAME-SEX MARRIAGE IS JUST LIKE
EVERY OTHER KIND OF MARRIAGE.
PEOPLE WHO ARE TRYING TO DEFEND
THE SANCTITY OF MARRIAGE ARE
CRAZY BECAUSE WE WANT TO HAVE
THE SANCTITY OF MARRIAGE.
WE WANT TO HAVE ALL THE THINGS
THAT MARRIED PEOPLE HAVE.
WE WANT TO HAVE THE 1,500 RIGHTS
THAT PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT MARRIED
DON'T GET.
AND THE ONLY ARGUMENT REALLY
AGAINST IT IS RELIGIOUS BIGOTRY,
AND IT'S A TOUGH ONE.
RELIGIOUS BIGOTRY TRUMPS A LOT,
YOU KNOW?
IT HAS OVER THE CENTURIES.
>> I'M GOING TO GO SLAP
SCOTT MONTOYA IN THE BUTT.
[ LAUGHS ]
>> THAT WAS A TAG TEAM.
>> WE'VE BEEN ON THE BUS
TOGETHER.
>> WE'VE GOT STORIES, RIGHT
HERE.
>> WE HAVE STORIES!
>> DIDN'T WE HAVE TO SIGN A
CONFIDENTIALITY WAIVER ON THAT
TOUR?
>> I THINK WE DID.
>> I THINK WE DID.
AVAILABLE FOR DOWNLOAD TO OWN
AT LOLFLIX
>> THIS IS A THRILL TO BE HERE.
I MEAN, WE ARE HERE ON THIS
GAY-AND-LESBIAN COMEDY SHOW.
"LES" BE GAY TOGETHER.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WHOO!
>> MY NAME IS TIGER WOODS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND I HAD NO IDEA THAT PLAYING
18 HOLES WOULD CAUSE SO MUCH
TROUBLE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> SEE, I BELIEVE AN ASS SHOULD
OPEN ON COMMAND BUT NOT FALL
APART, YOU KNOW?
GAY GUYS, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M
TALKING ABOUT.
YOU'RE INTO ASS?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> I MEAN, I WALK IN, DRESSED
LIKE THIS.
I'M LIKE, "HEY, WHAT'S UP?"
THEY'RE LIKE, "I DON'T THINK
SO."
THEY'RE BLOWING THE RAPE
WHISTLE.
[ IMITATES WHISTLE ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
CUT TO FOUR LESBIANS KICKING THE
SHIT OUT OF ME.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> AS SOON AS WE HAVE SEX, LET
THE CODEPENDENCY BEGIN.
THAT IS IT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
LESBIANS ARE LIKE STAMPS -- ONCE
YOU LICK THEM, THEY STICK.
THAT IS IT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> LIVE FROM THE
EL PORTAL THEATER IN NOHO,
CALIFORNIA, WITH PRIDE, IT'S
"THE GAY AND LESBIAN COMEDY
SLAM."
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
AND NOW PLEASE WELCOME TO THE
STAGE A HOLLYWOOD LEGEND,
BRUCE VILANCH.
>> GOOD EVENING.
I'M CHASTITY BONO.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
I'M IN TRANSITION.
I CAN SAY THAT BECAUSE I HAVE
BEEN MISTAKEN FOR CHAZ BONO MY
ENTIRE ADULT LIFE...
BY HER MOTHER...
WHO I'VE WORKED FOR.
I MEAN, I'VE WRITTEN FOR HER
FOREVER.
YOU SEE, I DON'T REALLY DO THIS.
I WRITE FOR PEOPLE.
I MEAN, I WROTE FOR CHER WITH
SONNY, CHER WITHOUT SONNY,
"SONNY, I HATE YOU, BUT I'M WITH
YOU ANYWAY" CHER, "CHER, I NEED
THE MONEY, AND I'M WITH YOU NOW"
SONNY, "CHER, LET'S GET TOGETHER
FOR THE HELL OF IT AND LET'S
NOT" SONNY -- ALL OF THEM.
I'VE DONE ALL OF THEM.
IN FACT, THE MOST RECENT TIME, I
CAME INTO THE REHEARSAL, AND I
LOOKED AT HER, AND SHE SAID,
"VILANCH, YOU FAT FUCK.
YOU STILL IN THE BUSINESS?"
[ LAUGHTER ]
NOW, I KNOW YOU'VE NEVER SEEN A
GAY MAN DO A CHER IMPRESSION.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND I LOOKED AT HER, AND I SAID,
"I LIKE THIS FACE.
KEEP THIS ONE."
[ LAUGHTER ]
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, PIECES OF HER
FALL OFF LIKE THE HUBBARD
GLACIER.
SHE CALVES.
YOU KNOW, I MEAN, SHE'D BE HERE
TONIGHT, BUT THEY'RE SPACKLING
ON HER LEFT CHEEK.
THERE ARE LANE CLOSURES BETWEEN
THE NOSTRIL AND THE UPPER LIP.
AND I KNOW 'CAUSE I WAS JUST ON
A GAY CRUISE, AND WE WATCHED THE
GLACIER GO, AND THERE WAS SOME
QUEEN SAYING, "OH, MY GOD, IT'S
CHER FROM '78!
THERE SHE GOES!"
[ LAUGHTER ]
I WAS JUST ON A GAY CRUISE.
I DID 10 DAYS ON
THE CRYSTAL METH.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I SEE YOU KNOW HER.
AND WE WERE IN ALASKA.
HAVE YOU BEEN TO ALASKA?
OH, MAN.
SARAH PALIN HAS MUCH TO ANSWER
FOR.
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU KNOW, I GOT UP IN THE
MORNING AND WENT OUT ONTO THE
DECK OF, YOU KNOW, MY LAVISH
VERANDA -- STARK NAKED, OF
COURSE -- AND THERE WAS THIS
HUGE HIGH-RISE NEXT TO THE SHIP,
WHICH I THOUGHT WAS ODD 'CAUSE I
DIDN'T KNOW THAT THEY BUILT
VERTICALLY.
AND IT WAS ANOTHER SHIP.
IT WAS THE HOLLAND AMERICA, A
LESBIAN CRUISE, THE DENTAL DAM.
[ LAUGHTER ]
OH, YOU KNOW HER, TOO.
THEY HAD DOCKED NEXT TO US, AND
THERE WAS A NAKED LESBIAN.
WELL, SHE WASN'T NAKED.
SHE WAS JUST A LESBIAN.
AND SHE WAS --
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND SHE WAS CLOTHED -- WHO CAN
TELL?
AND SHE WAS STANDING ON HER
DECK, AND SHE KIND OF LOOKED
OVER, AND SHE SAID,
"'HOLLYWOOD SQUARES'!"
[ LAUGHTER ]
SO, I THOUGHT, "WHAT A
THOUGHTFUL LESBIAN," 'CAUSE I,
YOU KNOW, WAS NEVER NAKED BELOW
THE WAIST IN THE SQUARE, BUT SHE
RECOGNIZED ME.
MOST OF THE TIME NOW, WHEN I GET
RECOGNIZED, THEY THINK I'M
MICHAEL MOORE -- BIG QUEEN WITH
THE FAKE BLOND HAIR,
MICHAEL MOORE.
OR I STILL GET -- IN
SAN FRANCISCO, I STILL GET
JERRY GARCIA.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THEY COME BY, AND THEY SAY,
"DUDE, YOU'RE BACK!"
IT'S VERY EXCITING.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SO, THIS IS A THRILL TO BE HERE.
I MEAN, WE ARE HERE ON THIS
GAY-AND-LESBIAN COMEDY SHOW.
"LES" BE GAY TOGETHER.
WHOO!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
AND IT'S SO EXCITING FOR ME TO
COME TO THE VALLEY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I HAD MY VISA RENEWED JUST TO
COME OVER THE HILL...
[ LAUGHTER ]
...TO NORTH HOLLYWOOD, OR, AS
IT'S NOW CALLED, "NOHO."
IT WASN'T CALLED THAT WHEN I
LIVED HERE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
"ONE MO HO" IS WHAT IT WAS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT'S GOTTEN VERY UPSCALE.
I MEAN, THEY'RE PUTTING THE
OUT-OF-TOWNERS IN THIS HOTEL.
AND I WENT OVER TO THE HOTEL
WITH ONE OF THE OTHER COMICS WHO
FLEW IN FROM NEW YORK, AND WE
WERE CHECKING IN.
AND IT'S ONE OF THOSE PLACES
WHERE -- YOU KNOW, IT'S, LIKE, A
VERY PISSY HOTEL, AND WHEN YOU
GO STAY IN A PISSY HOTEL, YOU
HAVE FRIENDS IN TOWN, AND THEY
HAVE A GIFT SHOP IN THE HOTEL.
BECAUSE IT'S FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE
TRAPPED IN THE HOTEL AND HAVE TO
GO OUT WITH THEIR FRIENDS IN
TOWN AND YOU'VE GOT TO BRING
SOMETHING.
AND I WAS LOOKING AROUND THERE,
AND EVERYTHING IS JUST HIDEOUS.
THERE'S A JAPANESE WOMAN
STANDING THERE, HOLDING A
CERAMIC CAT.
THE UGLIEST PUSSY I HAVE EVER
SEEN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND I HAVE SEEN ONE.
AND AS SHE IS EXAMINING THIS
CAT, SHE FARTS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT HAPPENS.
AND YOU KNOW WHEN YOU HAVE
FARTED SOMEPLACE WHERE YOU'RE
NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE FARTED OR
YOU'VE BEEN DETECTED?
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND IT WAS JUST TOO LARGE A FART
FOR IT TO GO UNNOTICED BY
OTHERS IN THE GIFT SHOP, BECAUSE
THERE WAS FROST FORMING ON THE
GLASS, YOU KNOW?
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND SO, YOU KNOW, SHE TRIED TO
COVER HERSELF, AS ONE DOES WHEN
ONE HAS, YOU KNOW, CREATED THIS
ATMOSPHERE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND SO THE CLERK WAS STANDING
RIGHT NEXT TO HER, YOU KNOW.
AND SO, SHE KIND OF LOOKED AT
HIM, AND, LIKE, WITH PANIC IN
HER EYES, SHE SAID, "HOW MUCH IS
THIS?"
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND HE SAID, "LADY, IF YOU
FARTED WHEN YOU PICKED IT UP,
YOU'RE GONNA SHIT WHEN I TELL
YOU WHAT IT COSTS."
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WELL, THEY CAN'T ALL BE GAY
JOKES.
WHAT CAN I TELL YOU?
[ LAUGHTER ]
WELL, I REALLY AM EXCITED TO BE
HERE, BECAUSE WE HAVE SUCH A
DIVERSE GROUP.
NOW, I KNOW THAT WE'RE IN
CALIFORNIA, BUT PEOPLE WHO ARE
WATCHING US ALL OVER THE PLACE
HAVE PROBABLY NOT HAD THE
EXPERIENCE THAT WE HAVE HAD THE
LAST COUPLE OF YEARS.
WE HAD GAY MARRIAGE FOR A WHILE
HERE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
YES.
AND WE WILL HAVE IT AGAIN.
I MEAN, IT WILL COME BACK, WE
KNOW.
[ LOUD CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
AND SO -- BUT WHILE WE HAD GAY
MARRIAGE -- I DON'T KNOW IF YOU
HAD THE SAME EXPERIENCE I HAD --
PEOPLE FROM ALL OVER THE COUNTRY
WERE, LIKE, COMING OUT HERE TO
GET MARRIED AND GO TO
DISNEYLAND.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT GOES HAND IN HAND.
"LET'S CONSUMMATE OUR LOVE AND
TAKE THE WILD TEACUP RIDE!"
[ LAUGHTER ]
SO, AND THEY WERE COMING, AND
THEY WERE GETTING MARRIED OUT
HERE, YOU KNOW.
AND WE WERE -- LIKE, PEOPLE
ARRIVING WHO HAD NEVER BEEN TO A
GAY WEDDING.
THE CONCEPT OF A GAY WEDDING WAS
SOMETHING THEY COULD NOT
POSSIBLY ASSIMILATE.
SO THEY WERE, FRANKLY,
CONCERNED.
THEY DIDN'T KNOW EXACTLY WHAT TO
DO ABOUT IT.
AND I BEGAN GETTING LOTS OF
QUESTIONS LIKE, "HOW DO WE
BEHAVE AT A GAY WEDDING?
WHAT DO WE DO?
WHAT DO WE NOT DO?
WHAT'S THE PROTOCOL?"
SO A BUNCH OF US WHO HAVE
EXPERIENCED THIS ARE GETTING
TOGETHER, AND WE'RE PUTTING OUT
A MANUAL SO THAT WHEN IT'S
LEGALIZED AGAIN, YOU CAN JUST
SEND THIS OUT TO YOUR FRIENDS
BEFORE THEY ARRIVE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND WE JUST -- WE HAVE A COUPLE
OF THINGS THAT I JUST WANT TO
SEE IF YOU AGREED WITH.
FIRST OF ALL, IT IS IMPERATIVE
AT A GAY WEDDING THAT THERE BE
AN OPEN BAR THROUGHOUT THE
CEREMONY...
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
...FOR THE PARENTS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT IS CONSIDERED VERY BAD FORM
AT A GAY WEDDING FOR EITHER OF
THE PARTNERS TO HAVE DATED THE
PRIEST.
[ LAUGHTER ]
ALL COSTS OF A GAY WEDDING ARE
BORNE BY THE FATHER OF THE
BOTTOM.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IF IT'S A LESBIAN WEDDING, THE
COSTS ARE BORNE BY THE MOTHER OF
THE GIRLY ONE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IF THERE IS NO GIRLY ONE...
[ LAUGHTER ]
...AS IS SO OFTEN THE CASE...
SIMPLE ARM WRESTLING WILL SETTLE
EVERYTHING.
SO...
[ LAUGHS ]
WELL, WE HAVE AN INCREDIBLY
DIVERSE GROUP OF PEOPLE WHO
ONLY SHARE ONE THING, WHICH IS
THEIR GAYNESS.
BUT YOU WILL BE AMAZED BECAUSE
THEY COME FROM ALL WALKS OF
LIFE.
IN FACT, THE FIRST COMIC I'M
BRINGING OUT DOESN'T EVEN COME
FROM A WALK OF LIFE.
HE COMES FROM A MINCE OF LIFE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
BUT WE'VE BEEN ON MANY, MANY GAY
CRUISES TOGETHER, AND YOU HAVE
SEEN HIM ON TELEVISION IN
"UGLY BETTY."
YEAH.
WE WERE IN A MOVIE TOGETHER
CALLED "YOU DON'T MESS WITH THE
ZOHAN."
HE'S QUITE FANTASTIC, AND I
WOULD WATCH HIM WITH YOU, BUT
"HAPPY PONY" IS ON, AND I'M NOT
MISSING "HAPPY PONY."
PLEASE WELCOME MY FRIEND
ALEC MAPA.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> WELL, NO, THAT WOULD BE
GREAT.
YEAH, YOU WANT TO BE THE "BEST"
OF ANYTHING, RIGHT?
YOU JUST DON'T WANT TO BE A GAY
COMIC.
YOU WANT TO BE THE GAY COMIC.
YOU KNOW, IT'S SO FUNNY.
IT'S KIND OF LIKE -- I TALK
ABOUT SEX, BUT I DON'T THINK OF
MY ACT AS DIRTY, 'CAUSE I DON'T
THINK SEX IS DIRTY.
AND I THINK THAT IF I'M
APPROACHING IT FROM A
GOOD-NATURED, "LET'S ALL LAUGH
AT IT" POINT OF VIEW, THEN, YOU
KNOW, MAYBE IT WILL TAKE THE
DIRTY OUT OF IT.
I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE IT IS DIRTY.
MAYBE I'M JUST DELUDING MYSELF.
WELL, I CAN'T EVER CONVINCE
ANYBODY, LIKE, WHO ISN'T GAY
THAT BEING GAY OR GAY MARRIAGE
WOULD BE A GOOD THING.
BUT I COULD ARGUE ON THE FACT
THAT I WOULD WANT TO BE TREATED
JUST LIKE HOW YOU WANT TO BE
TREATED.
I'M NOT TRYING TO TAKE AWAY YOUR
RELIGION.
I'M NOT TRYING TO TAKE AWAY YOUR
BELIEF SYSTEM, BUT I THINK THAT
THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON ALL
PEOPLE BEING EQUAL, AND UNTIL
THAT CHANGES, YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT
GONNA GO AWAY.
I MEAN, EVEN THE MOST
CONSERVATIVE PEOPLE HAVE GAY
PEOPLE [LAUGHS] IN THEIR
FAMILIES.
I MEAN, DICK CHENEY HAD A
LESBIAN DAUGHTER!
YOU KNOW, IT'S KIND OF LIKE, YOU
KNOW, THE CONSERVATIVE PEOPLE --
THAT'S WHERE ALL THE GAY PEOPLE
COME FROM.
THEY KEEP MAKING THEM.
NO, WE WERE PERFORMING ON THE
CRUISES TOGETHER, AND I ALWAYS
SAID, "YOU KNOW YOU'RE ON A GAY
CRUISE WHEN THE HEADLINERS ARE
DEBBIE REYNOLDS, BRUCE VILANCH,
AND YOU."
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
HEY!
WHAT'S UP, BITCHES?
HELLO!
OH...
HI.
HOW ARE YOU?
LOOK AT ALL OF YOU.
GOOD EVENING, AND WELCOME TO THE
ASIAN-PACIFIC PORTION OF
TONIGHT'S MULTICULTURAL PROGRAM.
MY NAME IS TIGER WOODS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND I HAD NO IDEA THAT PLAYING
18 HOLES WOULD CAUSE SO MUCH
TROUBLE.
[ LAUGHS ]
STRAIGHT PEOPLE SUCK AT BEING
MARRIED.
[ LAUGHTER ]
NO WONDER THEY DON'T WANT US TO
HAVE IT.
I MEAN, IF TIGER WOODS, THE
MASTER OF HAND-EYE COORDINATION,
CAN'T GET THIS RIGHT, YOU
KNOW...
[ LAUGHTER ]
OH, MY GOD. HELLO! JUST KIDDING.
IT'S ME, ALEC MAPA, AMERICA'S
"GAYSIAN" SWEETHEART.
IT'S NOT GEORGE TAKEI. IT'S ME.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SHE TRIED TO STEAL MY THUNDER
A WHILE BACK, AND I SAID,
"LISTEN, SULU..."
[ LAUGHTER ]
"...YOU WANTED TO BE QUEEN OF
THE PACIFIC RIM, YOU SHOULD HAVE
COME OUT 35 YEARS AGO."
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
IT'S NOT LIKE IT WOULD HAVE HURT
YOUR CAREER.
[ LAUGHTER ]
OH, SHUT UP.
SHE CAN TAKE IT.
SHE'S FAMILY NOW.
GEORGE TAKEI CAME OUT.
I DON'T SEE WHAT THE BIG
FREAKIN' DEAL IS.
FIRST OF ALL, IS THERE ANYTHING
GAYER THAN "STAR TREK"?
[ LAUGHTER ]
THE ENTIRE CREW WORE BELL-BOTTOM
CAPRI PANTS AND GO-GO BOOTS,
OKAY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THEIR COMMUNICATIONS OFFICER WAS
A BLACK WOMAN WITH A BEEHIVE AND
A RED MINISKIRT.
"OKAY!"
AND EVERY TIME A DOOR OPENED AND
CLOSED ON THAT SHIP, IT SOUNDED
LIKE A BUNCH OF QUEENS FARTING
IN FIRE ISLAND, YOU KNOW?
"WSSHHHHT!"
[ LAUGHTER ]
EVEN THEIR WEAPONS WERE GAY.
THEY DIDN'T HAVE GUNS.
THEY HAD [effeminately] PHASERS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
PHASERS.
[ Normal voice ] AND IF YOU
DIDN'T WANT TO KILL SOMEBODY,
YOU COULD SET YOUR PHASER ON
[effeminately] STUN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
"I'M NOT GONNA KILL YOU.
I'M GONNA STUN YOU."
[ LAUGHTER ]
"I'M STUNNING."
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ LAUGHS ]
[ Normal voice ] DO YOU LIKE THE
OUTFIT?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
YOU LIKE THIS?
THIS IS A COSTUME I WORE ON A
RECENT "DATELINE" SPECIAL ABOUT
CATHOLIC INTERNET PREDATORS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> OWW!
>> I DON'T WANT TO GIVE AWAY TOO
MUCH.
LET'S JUST SAY
MONSIGNOR CUMMINGS WON'T BE
IM'ing ANYBODY ANYTIME SOON.
SO EXCITED TO BE HERE TONIGHT.
I JUST GOT BACK FROM EUROPE.
MY HUSBAND AND I JUST GOT BACK
FROM BARCELONA, 'CAUSE WE'RE
GAY, AND THAT'S WHAT WE DO --
SPEND MONEY IN A SHITTY ECONOMY,
RIGHT?
THE DAY THE STOCK MARKET
CRASHED, I WENT OUT, AND I GOT A
FACIAL...
[ LAUGHTER ]
...'CAUSE THERE'S NO POINT IN
BEING POOR AND UGLY, RIGHT?
[ LAUGHTER ]
SO, MY HUSBAND AND I ARRIVED IN
BARCELONA.
OUR LUGGAGE NEVER ARRIVED.
[ AUDIENCE GROANS ]
WE STILL HAVEN'T GOTTEN IT,
RIGHT?
IN BARCELONA.
I'VE BEEN DEALING WITH THE
AIR FRANCE DESK IN BARCELONA,
OKAY?
ALL RIGHT.
COMBINE ALL THE WARMTH OF THE
FRENCH...
[ LAUGHTER ]
...WITH ALL THE CUSTOMER-SERVICE
SKILLS OF THE SPANISH, AND IT
WILL GIVE YOU SOME IDEA OF THE
NIGHTMARE I'M LIVING.
SO, MY HUSBAND AND I ARRIVE IN
BARCELONA AT 3:00 A.M., AND WE
HAVE NO LUGGAGE, NO TOILETRIES,
NO NOTHING.
SO THIS IS ME AT THE PHARMACY
IN BARCELONA, TRYING TO BUY
LUBE...
[ LAUGHTER ]
...WITH MY "DORA THE EXPLORER"
NINTH-GRADE SPANISH, OKAY?
[ LAUGHTER ]
"UH, PERDóNEME, SEÑOR.
UM, NECESITAMOS LUBRICANTE."
[ LAUGHTER ]
"UM, LUBRICANTE PARA MI CULO."
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
"¿POR QUé?
UH, PORQUE, UH...
SHEEZ.
PORQUE YO SOY UNO POWER BOTTOM."
[ LAUGHTER ]
"Y MI ESPOSO TIENE UN PINGA MAS
GRANDE."
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND THE GUY BEHIND THE COUNTER
WAS LIKE, "UH, THAT WILL BE 6
EUROS."
[ LAUGHTER ]
I DID NOTHING BUT EMBARRASS
MYSELF ALL ACROSS THE
MEDITERRANEAN.
I FARTED IN PRADA...
IN ROME.
AND IT WASN'T ONE OF THOSE CUTE
LITTLE AIR-BISCUIT FARTS, LIKE
[BLOWS LIGHTLY]
OR ONE OF THOSE CUTE LITTLE
QUESTION-MARK FARTS LIKE
[TRUMPETS INQUISITIVELY]
YOU KNOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ LAUGHS ]
[ Laughing ] I HAD THIS ROOMMATE
WHO, EVERY MORNING AFTER HER
FIRST CUP OF COFFEE, WOULD MAKE
THE QUESTION-MARK FART, LIKE
[TRUMPETS INQUISITIVELY]
YOU KNOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND ONE MORNING, IT CAME OUT
SCARED.
IT SOUNDED LIKE [TRUMPETS
NERVOUSLY]
YOU KNOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SO IT WASN'T LIKE THAT.
IT WAS LIKE A FULL-ON ASS BERRY,
YOU KNOW, LIKE PBHT!
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND I WAS LIKE, "OH, MY GOD!"
I WAS PRAYING, "PLEASE LET ME BE
ALL ALONE IN PRADA, RIGHT?"
AND I TURNED AROUND, AND I SAW
THE MOST BEAUTIFUL ITALIAN
SALESPERSON I HAD EVER SEEN IN
MY ENTIRE LIFE LOOK AT ME JUST
LIKE THIS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
HORRIBLE.
SO THRILLED TO BE HERE TONIGHT
IN THIS BEAUTIFUL THEATER.
SO MUCH NICER THAN THE DUMPS I'M
USUALLY BOOKED INTO.
I HAD TO MAKE AN APPEARANCE AT
THE WHITE PARTY IN PALM SPRINGS
EARLIER THIS YEAR.
ME AND 3,000 CIRCUIT QUEENS, ALL
ON CRYSTAL METH.
IT WAS LIKE BEING BOOKED INTO A
CRACK DEN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I SHOWED UP AT 3:00 A.M.
THEY LOOKED LIKE THE LEMURS FROM
"MADAGASCAR," YOU KNOW?
[ LAUGHTER ]
"HEY, ALEC [GROWLS]
HOW ARE YOU?
[ GROWLS ]
SO GOOD TO SEE YOU.
[ GROWLS ]"
GETTING HIT IN THE EYE WITH BITS
OF MOLAR.
YOU KNOW, IT WAS LIKE STANDING
IN FRONT OF A CHIPPER.
THAT STUFF IS HORRIBLE.
YOU EVER NOTICE WHEN GAY GUYS DO
TOO MUCH CRYSTAL, THEY ALWAYS
END UP LOOKING LIKE GOLLUM FROM
"THE LORD OF THE RINGS" TRILOGY,
YOU KNOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ As Gollum ] "WE LOVES THE
WHITE PARTY."
[ Normal voice ] I CAN'T DO THAT
STUFF.
IT SCARES ME.
I CAN'T DO COKE 'CAUSE IT MAKES
ME POO IN MY PANTS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I ALWAYS GET THAT FIRST-BUMP
DUMP, YOU KNOW.
[ SNORTS ] PBHT!
YOU KNOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
DIFFICULT LESSON TO LEARN AT THE
WHITE PARTY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
NOW, I KNOW I SHOULDN'T START
OFF THE SHOW WITH A POOP STORY,
BUT I JUST WANTED TO SET THE BAR
LOW AND...
[ LAUGHTER ]
...WEED OUT THE SISSIES, 'CAUSE
IF YOU'VE FOUND ANYTHING I'VE
SAID SO FAR OFFENSIVE, JUST RUN
NOW.
JUST LEAVE.
OH, MY GOD.
LOOK AT YOU.
YOU'RE SO BEAUTIFUL.
WHAT AN ATTRACTIVE BUNCH.
GAY MEN TEND TO BE ON THE
HANDSOME SIDE 'CAUSE THEY ALL
HAVE "GAY FACE," RIGHT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WELL, YOU ONLY GET CHEEKBONES
LIKE THAT FROM SUCKING COCK,
RIGHT?
[ LAUGHTER ]
BOY, THAT ADAM LAMBERT NUMBER ON
THE A.M.A.s IS LOOKING PRETTY
TAME NOW, ISN'T IT?
[ LAUGHTER ]
NO, IT'S QUITE A WORK OUT.
DID YOU EVER NOTICE WHEN YOU'RE
BLOWING A GUY WITH A MUSHROOM
HEAD, IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE
SAYING "WOW."
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND IF YOU'RE BLOWING A GUY WITH
A CURVED ONE AND A MUSHROOM
HEAD, YOU LOOK LIKE A BLACK GIRL
SAYING "WOW," YOU KNOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
OH, MY GOD.
I TALK ABOUT SEX A LOT BECAUSE I
JUST FEEL WE HAVE A REAL
JUVENILE SENSE OF SHAME IN THE
GAY COMMUNITY WHEN IT COMES TO
SEX AND SEXUALITY.
PEOPLE FEEL SO ASHAMED, AND YOU
SHOULDN'T FEEL ASHAMED, BECAUSE
IT FEELS SO FUCKING AMAZING!
GAY SEX IS, LIKE, THE PERFECT
CHRISTMAS GIFT.
IT'S FUN TO GIVE, IT'S FUN TO
GET, AND EVEN IF IT DOESN'T FIT,
IT'S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS, AM
I RIGHT?
[ LAUGHTER ]
LOST MY VIRGINITY TO A GREAT BIG
BLACK GUY.
ONE MOMENT I WAS A PERFECT
ROSEBUD.
THE NEXT MINUTE, IT WAS LIKE,
YOU KNOW, RINGING A DINNER BELL,
YOU KNOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
COTTON CANDY MACHINE AT THE
COUNTY FAIR.
YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN AN ABSOLUTELY
TERRIFIC AUDIENCE.
ENJOY THE REST OF THE SHOW.
>> ALEC MAPA.
PINGA GRANDE -- MY NEW DRAG
NAME.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I'VE WORKED UNDER MANY DRAG
NAMES.
I WAS IN AFGHANISTAN FOR YEARS
AS DELTA BURKA.
[ LAUGHTER ]
CONTINUING ON OUR SPIRITUAL
JOURNEY, WE'RE GOING TO NOW --
FROM A FILIPINO, WE'RE GOING TO
MEET A MEXICAN GIRL FROM
SCOTTSBLUFF, NEBRASKA...
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
...WHERE ALL THE MEXICANS COME
FROM.
AT LEAST, I THINK THAT'S WHAT
THEY'RE TRYING TO TELL US NOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SHE GOT OUT FAST.
SHE LEFT NEBRASKA FAST, LIKE A
SMART MEXICAN, AND WENT TO
MEXICO...
[ LAUGHTER ]
...WHERE SHE LEARNED ENOUGH
SPANISH SO SHE COULD GET BY IN
AMERICA.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SHE CAME BACK, AND HERE SHE IS
TO SHARE HER ADVENTURE --
SANDRA VALLS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> BUT I ACTUALLY HAD A
GIRLFRIEND WHO WAS LIKE, "YOU
KNOW, YOU'RE FUNNY.
YOU SHOULD TAKE A CLASS."
AND I'M LIKE, "WOW, THERE'S A
CLASS?"
SHE'S LIKE, "YEAH, YOU SHOULD
TAKE A CLASS.
I'M GONNA SIGN YOU UP FOR IT."
WE WEREN'T HAVING A VERY GOOD
RELATIONSHIP, SO WE WERE IN
COUPLE'S THERAPY.
AND, OKAY, THAT'S WHAT LESBIANS
DO.
AND LIKE TWO WEEKS BEFORE THE
COMEDY CLASS, SHE BREAKS UP WITH
ME.
AND SHE'S LIKE, "WELL, WHAT
ABOUT THE COMEDY CLASS?"
I'M ALL, "ARE YOU SERIOUS?"
SHE'S LIKE, "I ALREADY PAID FOR
IT."
SO MY FIRST COMEDY SHOW WAS
BITCHING ABOUT HER.
AND SHE WAS IN THE AUDIENCE.
AND I'M LIKE, "THIS IS GREAT
THERAPY.
YOU'RE PAYING ME TO TELL YOU
WHAT MY CRAZY HEAD SAYS."
I'M WHAT'S CALLED A "GOLD-STAR
LESBIAN," WHICH I'VE NEVER HAD
SEX WITH A GUY.
NOT BECAUSE I DIDN'T TRY.
I'M LIKE, "I'M GONNA HAVE SEX
WITH A GUY JUST TO SEE WHAT IT'S
LIKE," YOU KNOW, JUST TO SEE.
AND WE'RE MAKING OUT.
I'M LIKE, "NOT BAD, PRETTY
GOOD."
AND THE GUY WAS GREAT.
AND NOTHING WRONG WITH THE GUY.
THE MINUTE HE PULLED HIS PANTS
DOWN, I GO LIKE THIS, "OOH,
YEAH, NO."
THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I SAID.
I WAS LIKE, "I CA--
UH, SORRY."
IT JUST WASN'T ORGANIC.
IT JUST WASN'T.
I'M NOT ONE OF THOSE LESBIANS
THAT'S, LIKE, ANTI-PENIS.
I'M NOT.
I WISH I HAD ONE, LIKE, FOR LIKE
A DAY.
HE ACTUALLY CALLED ME, AND HE'S
LIKE, "UH, DOES IT MAKE YOU GAY
IF YOU, UH, EXPERIMENT?"
I'M LIKE, "NO.
BECAUSE IT WOULD MAKE ME
STRAIGHT THAT I EXPERIMENTED
WITH YOU."
HE'S LIKE, "OKAY."
I'M LIKE, "WHY ARE YOU ASKING?"
"OH, UH, 'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, ME
AND A GUY ONCE..."
I'M LIKE, "OH."
SECRETLY, I'M THINKING, "THAT'S
PRETTY GAY," BUT I'M NOT GONNA
SAY IT.
I GO, "NO, IT DOESN'T."
HE GOES, "HOW ABOUT TWICE?"
I GO, "HOW LONG ARE WE TALKING
HERE?"
AND HE GOES, "A YEAR."
I'M LIKE, "YOU'RE A FAG.
IS IT 'CAUSE OF ME?
IS IT 'CAUSE OF ME?"
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WHAT'S UP?!
THANK YOU! THANK YOU!
WHAT'S UP, MY HOMOS?!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
HOW YOU DOING, STRAIGHT FOLKS?
[ LIGHT CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WELCOME, EVIL
"HETERO-FLEXIBLES."
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
YOU MAKE US FALL IN LOVE WITH
YOU.
THEN YOU BREAK UP WITH US, BREAK
OUR HEART, GO TO A MAN!
[ LAUGHTER ]
GOD-DAMN L.U.B.s!
"LESBIANS UNTIL THEY FIND A
BOYFRIEND."
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY.
FUCK ME ONCE, SHAME ON YOU.
FUCK ME TWICE...
20 BUCKS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT'S VERY GAY.
WE LOVE FESTIVITIES.
WE LOVE HOLIDAYS.
I LOVE ALL HOLIDAYS, EXCEPT
HALLOWEEN.
'CAUSE I'M MEXICAN, AND YOU KNOW
WHAT THAT MEANS -- HOMEMADE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
MY MOTHER USED TO MAKE ALL OUR
COSTUMES.
SHE WOULDN'T EVEN CALL IT
HALLOWEEN.
SHE CALLED IT "TLICK OR TLEET."
WHAT?
[ LAUGHTER ]
"OH, STUPID, TLICK OR TLEET."
NOT EVEN "TRICK OR TREAT" --
"TLICK OR TLEET."
[ LAUGHTER ]
I'M ALL, "MAMI, MAMI, WHAT AM I
GONNA BE FOR TLICK OR TLEET?"
SHE'S ALL, "GO GET YOUR FATHER'S
CLOTHES AND GET SOME PILLOWS.
YOU'RE A FAT MAN."
[ LAUGHTER ]
"NO! I WAS A FAT MAN LAST YEAR!"
ONE YEAR I TRIED TO MAKE IT
EASIER ON HER, AND I'M ALL LIKE,
"I'LL BE A GHOST."
HOW DO YOU FUCK UP A GHOST?
[ LAUGHTER ]
'CAUSE WE DON'T HAVE WHITE
SHEETS -- THAT'S HOW.
WE HAVE THESE
YELLOW-ROSE-PRINTED SHIT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WHAT?!
AND THEN SHE WAS CUTTING ONE
EYE, AND SHE MESSED UP, SO I HAD
THIS ONE FUCKED-UP EYE.
I WAS ALL, "[ Voice breaking ]
TLICK OR TLEET.
TLICK OR TLEET."
LET'S TALK ABOUT SOMETHING NICE,
SOMETHING NOT TOO TRAUMATIZING.
LET'S TALK ABOUT MY GIRLFRIEND.
I LOVE MY GIRLFRIEND.
LET'S TALK ABOUT HER ASS.
OKAY, YOU KNOW, FUCK IT.
LET'S TALK ABOUT MY GIRLFRIEND'S
ASS.
SHE'S THIS BEAUTIFUL, JUICY
BLACK GIRL WITH AN ASS.
OKAY, HER ASS IS TIGHT, BUT IT'S
GOT SPREADABILITY.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
[ LAUGHTER ]
SEE, I BELIEVE AN ASS SHOULD
OPEN ON COMMAND, BUT NOT FALL
APART, YOU KNOW?
[ LAUGHTER ]
GAY GUYS, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M
TALKING ABOUT.
YOU'RE INTO ASS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
JUICY!
SKINNY GIRLS, I CAN'T FUCK YOU.
THAT'S LIKE FUCKING A BICYCLE.
I'M SORRY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT'S REALLY PAINFUL.
YOU'RE DOWN THERE, DOING YOUR
THING.
"OW, OW, OW!"
[ LAUGHTER ]
FUCKING HIPBONE IN YOUR FACE.
"WHAT HAPPENED?"
THE NEXT DAY, YOU GO TO WORK
WITH RACCOON EYES.
WHAT THE FUCK?
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU'RE ALL, "I WAS JUMPED."
YOUR TOOTH IS LOOSE.
GOD DAMN!
[ LAUGHTER ]
MY GIRLFRIEND'S JUICY,
BEAUTIFUL.
SHE'S BLACK. I'M MEXICAN.
WE HAVE BEAUTIFUL CULTURAL
DIFFERENCES.
IN FACT, I REALIZED THAT BLACK
PEOPLE LAUGH ONE OF TWO WAYS.
EITHER THEY LAUGH REALLY LOUD,
LIKE REALLY EXPRESSIVE, LIKE IF
A BLACK PERSON'S SITTING HERE
AND THINKS I'M FUNNY, THEY'D BE
LIKE, "WHOO WHOO," OR, "OH,
SNAP, NO, SHE DIDN'T.
OH. OH, NO, SHE DIDN'T."
[ LAUGHTER ]
OR THEY JUST REPEAT WHAT YOU
JUST SAID.
[ LAUGHTER ]
HERE'S HOW MY GIRLFRIEND USED TO
LAUGH AT MY JOKES THE WHOLE
FIRST YEAR OF OUR RELATIONSHIP.
"SHE SAID, 'THAT'S LIKE FUCKING
A BICYCLE.'"
[ LAUGHTER ]
"MNH MNH MNH."
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
I'M ALL, "SHE SAID?
IT'S ONLY ME IN THE ROOM."
[ LAUGHTER ]
"WHO YOU TALKING TO?
ARE YOU ON THE PHONE?
WHO'S SHE?"
ME.
OR IF SHE REALLY THOUGHT I WAS
FUNNY, SHE'D BE ALL, "SHE SAID,
'THAT'S LIKE FUCKING A
BICYCLE.'
YOU STUPID."
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND THEN, OF COURSE, MY WHITE
FRIENDS -- "[GASPS] SHE CALLED
YOU STUPID!
THAT'S ABUSIVE!"
I'M LIKE, "NO, WHITE PEOPLE."
[ LAUGHTER ]
"IT'S NOT ABUSIVE!
STUPID EQUALS FUNNY!
I'M THE STUPIDEST OF THEM ALL!"
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE IN LOVE YOU
WANT TO TRY NEW THINGS WITH YOUR
PARTNER?
THEY EXPAND YOUR HORIZONS?
SHE'S ALL, "LET'S TRY NEW
THINGS, BABY.
LET'S TRY NEW THINGS.
LET'S TRY A LITTLE S&M."
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
RIGHT?
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT'S NOT AS EASY AS YOU THINK.
APPARENTLY, YOU HAVE TO THINK OF
A SAFE WORD OR A CODE WORD THAT
HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE SEX
ACT, LIKE "BROCCOLI" OR
"CURTAIN" OR SOME SHIT.
I DON'T KNOW.
BECAUSE APPARENTLY, "OW! OW!
THAT HURTS! I'M BLEEDING! OW!"
IT'S NOT ENOUGH.
[ LAUGHTER ]
NO.
WE HAD TO GO THROUGH A SLEW OF
WORDS.
WE FINALLY DECIDED, "KANGAROO,
THEN.
KANGAROO."
BUT THEN SHE FLIPPED THE SCRIPT.
SHE'S LIKE, "KANGAROO HAS TO
ALSO BE THE WORD WE USE TO GET
OUT OF A SOCIAL SITUATION."
[ LAUGHTER ]
WHAT THE HELL?
WHAT AM I GONNA BE AT A PARTY,
BEING ALL LIKE, "HEY.
[ LAUGHS ]
THOSE ARE REALLY NICE BOOTS
THERE.
WHAT ARE THEY -- KANGAROO?"
[ LAUGHTER ]
TOTALLY TRUE STORY.
MY GIRLFRIEND "USED TO BE
STRAIGHT."
BUT SHE USED TO TALK A LOT ABOUT
WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO KISS A GIRL!
SO, YOU KNOW, I DECIDED THAT I
WOULD BE THE ONE TO, YOU KNOW,
SHOW HER.
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU KNOW, WE USED TO WORK
TOGETHER, SO I'M LIKE, "I'M NOT
GONNA DO IT TILL THE CHRISTMAS
PARTY."
[ LAUGHTER ]
'CAUSE YOU KNOW HOW STRAIGHT
GIRLS GET AT CHRISTMAS PARTIES.
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU KNOW? RIGHT? RIGHT?
OPEN BAR.
SO I DIDN'T EAT ALL DAY, BUT I'M
AT THE CHRISTMAS PARTY.
I MEAN, THAT'S A LOT OF PRESSURE
ON ME, YOU KNOW?
IT'S HER FIRST LESBIAN KISS.
I'M REPRESENTING ALL YOU
BITCHES!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THAT'S A LOT OF PRESSURE.
IF I DO IT WRONG, SHE'S LIKE, "I
KISSED A GIRL, AND IT SUCKED."
NO.
LOT OF PRESSURE. I DRANK A LOT.
I'M LIKE THE ROSA PARKS OF
LESBIANS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SO I DRANK A LOT.
FINALLY, I'M LIKE, "LET'S GET
OUT OF HERE."
I'M FEELING GOOD, REALLY
CONFIDENT.
"LET'S GET OUT OF HERE."
SO I'M IN THE LINE AT
7-ELEVEN -- TRUE STORY, BY THE
WAY -- WITH MY MENTOS AND SARAN
WRAP.
I'M GOOD.
[ LAUGHTER ]
STRAIGHT PEOPLE, I'LL EXPLAIN
LATER.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS, MAYBE
THE MOP THAT SMELLED LIKE ASS OR
THE WIENERS THAT HAD BEEN THERE
FOR A YEAR, WITH THE HERPES, BUT
ALL OF A SUDDEN, THE STENCH CAME
AND FUCKING SLAPPED ME IN THE
FACE, AND I'M ALL "[GAGGING] OH,
NO.
NOT IN FRONT OF THE HOT CHICK.
NO!"
I'M ALL, "MAYBE I'LL ASK THE GUY
FOR THE -- GO TO THE BATHROOM.
EXCUSE ME, SIR?
[ GAGS ]
SIR?"
TRUE STORY.
"UH, ANUS, EXCUSE ME."
THAT WAS HIS NAME.
AND HE GOES, "MY NAME IS
'ANOOSE.'"
[ LAUGHTER ]
OKAY.
IN AMERICA, A-N-U-S IS ANUS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
"EXCUSE ME.
CAN I PLEASE USE YOUR BATHROOM?"
"NO, GO ACROSS THE STREET."
I'M LIKE, "SHIT."
"MAYBE THE GUY OVER THERE BY THE
COFFEE."
TRUE STORY.
"EXCUSE ME, SHIT-HEAD."
[ LAUGHTER ]
"MY NAME IS 'SHA TEED.'"
WHAT THE FUCK?!
[ LAUGHTER ]
NO!
THEN DON'T PUT A HYPHEN BETWEEN
THE "T" AND THE "H."
PUT IT TOGETHER.
"CAN I USE YOUR BATHROOM?"
"NO, GO ACROSS THE STREET."
I'M LIKE, "FUCK YOU, ANUS AND
SHIT-HEAD!
ROT IN HELL!"
[ LAUGHTER ]
I GO ACROSS SUNSET BOULEVARD,
DODGING CARS.
[ IMITATING CARS ]
I FINALLY GET TO A GAS STATION.
"EXCUSE ME, JUAN."
HE'S ALL, "MY NAME IS 'JEW ON.'"
I'm just kidding.
[ LAUGHTER ]
"CAN I PLEASE USE THE BATHROOM?"
"SURE, GO AHEAD."
HE GIVES ME THIS KEY ATTACHED
TO, LIKE, A MUFFLER...
[ LAUGHTER ]
...OR SOMETHING.
I GO TO THE DOOR, AND I OPEN IT.
TRUE STORY.
I LOOK IN THERE -- EYE LEVEL --
THERE IS FRESH SHIT ON THE WALL.
[ AUDIENCE GROANS ]
I'M ALL, "OH, MY GOD!
HOW DID IT GET UP THERE?
OHHHH!"
IT'S A FUCKED-UP JACKSON POLLOCK
OF CRAP AND CURRY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I BRING THE KEY BACK.
AND REAL SNOBBY, I SAY, "WHY DO
YOU KEEP IT LOCKED?
YOU AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN
IT?"
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
AND I WALK BACK.
I WALK BACK TO THE CAR, AND I
HICCUP, AND I THROW UP AGAIN!
[ AUDIENCE GROANS ]
BUT MY GIRLFRIEND NEVER
MENTIONED IF FOR FOUR YEARS.
THAT'S TRUE LOVE.
NOW, HERE'S WHAT I'M SAYING --
"WHEN YOU FIND LOVE, YOU HANG ON
TO IT."
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
WE HAVE A LONG WAY TO WORK ON
THIS GAY-MARRIAGE THING, BUT I
BELIEVE WE CAN DO IT 'CAUSE
WE'RE ALL CONNECTED.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
RIGHT.
I BELIEVE THAT ONE HUMAN
REVOLUTION IN JUST ONE PERSON
CAN CHANGE THE WORLD.
YOU CHANGE YOURSELF, YOU CHANGE
THE WORLD.
MANY IN BODY, ONE IN MIND.
LET'S GO CHANGE THE WORLD,
PEOPLE.
THANK YOU. I'M SANDRA VALLS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> SANDRA VALLS!
AY, PAPI!
NOW I KNOW WHENEVER -- LAST
YEAR, WHEN I WAS WRITING THE
OSCARS SHOW, WHENEVER I'D GO
INTO HUGH JACKMAN'S ROOM, HE'D
SAY, "KANGAROO!"
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT'S HIS SAFE WORD.
HERE'S WHAT I LOVE ABOUT WRITING
THE ACADEMY AWARDS.
YOU GET TO SAY THE FOLLOWING
THING, "SOPHIA LOREN, MEET
JACK BLACK."
[ LAUGHTER ]
SHE HAD NO IDEA WHO HE WAS.
WELL, WHY SHOULD SHE?
YOU THINK SHE'S SITTING AT HOME,
WATCHING "NACHO LIBRE"?
[ LAUGHTER ]
BUT SHE WAS GRACIOUS.
SHE WAS INCREDIBLY GRACIOUS.
SHE'S SOPHIA LOREN, YOU KNOW?
SHE'S GREAT.
SHE STOOD THERE WITH ONE HAND ON
HER HIP -- WHICH SHE HAS TO DO,
OR SHE'LL PITCH FORWARD.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SHE'S STRUCTURALLY UNSOUND.
[ LAUGHTER ]
REQUIRES CONSTANT BUTTRESSING.
THAT'S WHAT THE HUSBAND DID, I
THINK.
HE WAS SHORT, WOULD RUN IN FRONT
OF HER GOING, "SOPHIA, FALL
FORWARD."
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND SO, YOU KNOW, BUT SHE WAS AS
SWEET AS COULD BE.
SHE BEGAN SPEAKING TO HIM IN
MENU ITALIAN, YOU KNOW, THAT
KIND OF THICK ITALIAN -- LIKE,
"PUTTANESCA, ALFRESCO,
PARMESAN."
AND SHE HAD NO IDEA WHAT SHE WAS
SAYING, AND NEITHER DID HE, AND
IT WAS FINE.
AND THEN SHIRLEY MacLAINE CAME
OVER AND TOOK HER AROUND AND
INTRODUCED HER TO PEOPLE SHIRLEY
KNEW FROM A PREVIOUS LIFE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND WE HAD A WONDERFUL SHOW.
NOW, ON THIS JOURNEY THAT WE'RE
CONTINUING TO GO, WE'RE GOING
SOMEPLACE EVEN STRANGER, IF YOU
CAN IMAGINE THIS.
THIS GUY HAS MY UNDYING
ADMIRATION.
THIS GUY IS AN OUT COMIC WHO IS
ABOUT TO GO ON HIS 35th TOUR OF
IRAQ, AS A STAND-UP FOR OUR
TROOPS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
YEP.
THIS IS WHAT THE FUTURE LOOKS
LIKE.
SCOTT KENNEDY.
>> AND ALL MY BUDDIES ALWAYS ASK
ME, TOO.
THEY'RE LIKE, "WAS IT EASIER FOR
YOU?
I MEAN, YOU PLAYED FOOTBALL WITH
US.
NOBODY KNOWS YOU'RE GAY TILL YOU
TELL THEM.
WHY DO YOU TELL THEM?"
I MEAN, I DON'T SKIP AND SING
SHOW TUNES.
I'M FROM TEXAS.
PEOPLE THINK I'M A REDNECK, BUT
I'M A PINK NECK.
SO IT'S KIND OF THE SAME THING,
I MEAN, 'CAUSE I'M STILL A GUY.
I THINK NINTH GRADE OR WHATEVER,
I WAS JERKING OFF IN THE
SHOWERS, 'CAUSE I ENJOY THAT,
AND THE COACH CAME IN.
I PLAYED FOOTBALL.
THE COACH WAS LIKE, "WHAT THE
FUCK?"
I GO, "IT'S MY PENIS.
I'LL WASH IT AS FAST AS I WANT."
THAT'S NOT A GAY THING, BY THE
WAY.
OH, MY GOD, SERIOUSLY.
GUYS, IF YOU'RE IN HIGH SCHOOL
AND YOU -- IT'S NOT GAY.
IT'S JUST WE THINK ABOUT
DIFFERENT THINGS.
I GO ONCE A MONTH TO IRAQ, EVERY
MONTH FOR 12 DAYS.
I'M GONNA BE HONEST WITH YOU, I
MEAN, IF YOU DON'T THINK THERE'S
GAYS IN THE MILITARY, THERE ARE.
IF YOU'RE SAYING I CAN'T FIGHT
FOR MY COUNTRY OR I'M NOT
PATRIOTIC, MAN, I'VE BEEN THERE
35 TIMES.
I GOT SHOT RIGHT HERE.
I'VE BEEN TO AFGHANISTAN NINE
TIMES.
IT'S NOT ABOUT SEX, MAN.
WHEN YOU'RE GETTING SHOT AT...
THAT'S THE ONLY WAY I CAN SERVE
MY COUNTRY, AND I FEEL VERY
STRONGLY ABOUT IT.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU CAN SEE
THOSE, BUT, YEAH.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
AND I HAVE ACTUALLY HAD THIS
BIGGEST MARINE I'VE EVER SEEN IN
MY LIFE.
HE WOULD SCARE YOU TO DEATH.
AND AT THE END OF MY SHOW, HE
CAME UP TO ME.
HE HUGGED ME AND WHISPERED IN MY
EAR, "I'M FAMILY," WHICH MEANS
HE'S GAY.
SO IF YOU'RE PATRIOTIC AND YOU
WANT TO FIGHT FOR YOUR COUNTRY,
I DON'T THINK IT MATTERS WHAT
YOU DO IN YOUR BEDROOM.
I MEAN, I DON'T WANT TO KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE DOING IN YOUR
BEDROOM.
IT MIGHT BE NASTY WITH A GIRL
AND A BOY AND A...
ANYWAY -- I MEAN, I STILL LOVE
YOU, BUT I JUST -- I DON'T NEED
TO HEAR IT.
DON'T PREACH ABOUT IT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THANK YOU, GUYS, VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
AH, THANK YOU, GUYS.
WOW!
WHAT A NICE CROWD!
YOU GUYS ARE VERY POLITE.
YOU APPLAUD WHEN WE COME ON
STAGE, AND THAT MAKES US FEEL
GOOD, LIKE WE HAVE A GOOD JOB.
AND THIS IS A GOOD JOB, TOO.
DON'T GET ME WRONG.
I JUST -- I DON'T THINK IT'S,
LIKE, THE BEST JOB IN THE WORLD
OR ANYTHING.
I'VE GIVEN THAT SOME THOUGHT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
BEST JOB IN THE WORLD?
I THINK IF YOU WORKED AT, LIKE,
A GIFT SHOP AT AN AIRPORT.
[ CHUCKLES ]
YOU COULD BE AS RUDE AS YOU WANT
TO BE, 'CAUSE PEOPLE GOT TO GO.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ LAUGHS ]
YOU COULD BE HONEST EVERY DAY,
BE LIKE, "YEAH, SNICKERS ARE
THREE FOR A DOLLAR, BUT YOUR FAT
ASS DOESN'T NEED THREE."
[ LAUGHTER ]
"OH, DO I HAVE A MANAGER?
YEAH, HE'LL BE BACK IN LIKE AN
HOUR, SO..."
[ LAUGHTER ]
"TICKTOCK, MOTHERFUCKER,
TICKTOCK."
OH, IT'S SO GOOD TO BE HERE FOR
SHOWTIME.
I WAS ACTUALLY IN LAS VEGAS THIS
WEEK, SO I FLEW IN JUST FOR THE
SHOW, AND I HAD A CONVERSATION
WITH A CAB DRIVER.
AND I ONLY BRING THIS UP 'CAUSE
IT HAS GONE THROUGH MY MIND ALL
DAY LONG.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE EVER HAD
A CONVERSATION WITH SOMEBODY,
AND THE WHOLE DAY, YOU THINK,
"WAS I THE ASSHOLE, OR WAS HE
THE ASSHOLE?"
[ LAUGHTER ]
RIGHT?
AND I KEEP REPLAYING THE
CONVERSATION IN MY HEAD.
HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED.
I WAS IN LAS VEGAS.
CABDRIVER OBVIOUSLY CAME TO THE
HOTEL.
HE GOES, "WHERE DO YOU NEED TO
GO TO, MR. KENNEDY?"
"I NEED TO GO TO L.A.
I'M GOING TO THE AIRPORT."
HE GOES, "OH, VERY NICE."
HE GOES, "YOU'RE FLYING TO
L.A.?"
I GO, "YEAH."
HE PICKED UP MY SUITCASE, AND
THEN HE SAID, "MM, BIG BAG,
SHORT TRIP."
[ CHUCKLES ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND I WAS LIKE, "MAYBE ME STAY
LONG TIME."
WHAT THE FUCK?
WHY ARE WE TALKING NATIVE
AMERICAN ALL OF A SUDDEN?
[ LAUGHTER ]
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
I THINK IT WAS ME AND NOT HIM,
TO BE HONEST WITH YOU, 'CAUSE MY
CONVERSATION SKILLS, LIKE, THEY
KEPT ALL DAY LONG TODAY.
A FRIEND OF MINE PICKED ME UP AT
THE AIRPORT, AND WE'VE BEEN
FRIENDS SINCE WE WERE IN
DIAPERS.
HE LIVES OUT HERE WITH HIS
FAMILY.
HE WAS DRIVING ME BACK TO MY
HOUSE, AND HE GOES, "HEY, SCOTT,
DO YOU MIND IF WE STOP ON THE
WAY?"
I GO, "NO, NOT AT ALL."
WE ENDED UP AT THE MALL, AND
WE'RE WALKING THROUGH THE MALL.
I GO, "HEY, WHAT ARE WE BUYING
AT THE MALL?"
HE GOES, "OH, I NEED TO PICK UP
SHAUN SOME THINGS."
SHAUN'S HIS LITTLE BOY, WHO
WASN'T WITH US.
AND I GO, "COOL.
WHAT ARE WE BUYING SHAUNDY
TODAY?"
AND HE GOES, "OH, I NEED TO PICK
HIM UP SOME TOPS."
AND I GO, "OKAY.
UM, DO YOU MEAN SHIRTS?"
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND HE GOES, "YEAH, I CALL MY
SON'S SHIRTS TOPS."
[ Laughing ] AND I GO, "WELL, IF
YOU CONTINUE TO CALL YOUR SON'S
SHIRTS TOPS, HE'S GONNA END UP A
BOTTOM."
[ LAUGHTER ]
YEAH, I THINK I'M RIGHT, BUT,
UH...
SO, WE GOT A BIG, DIVERSE CROWD.
WHERE ARE THE STRAIGHT PEOPLE?
BY APPLAUSE, STRAIGHT FOLKS?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
DON'T BE --
YEAH?
DON'T BE SHY. IT'S OKAY.
I MEAN, WE KNOW YOU WERE BORN
THAT WAY.
IT'S OKAY.
I MEAN, FUCK.
IF YOU HAVE A PARADE, I'LL
MARCH.
I DON'T GIVE A FUCK. RIGHT?
I MEAN, I DON'T WANT YOU
TEACHING KIDS.
I'LL BE HONEST.
BUT OTHER THAN THAT...
[ LAUGHTER ]
...I DON'T CARE...
WHAT YOU DO.
OH, MY GOD. OVER HERE, SIR.
YOU APPLAUDED. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
NO, RIGHT THERE IN THE BLACK.
DIDN'T YOU? STRAIGHT GUY?
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
>> ANDREW.
>> ANDREW.
I'M SCOTT. NICE TO MEET YOU.
WHERE YOU FROM, ANDREW?
>> BOSTON.
>> BOSTON.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
I'LL BE FLYING THERE TOMORROW,
ACTUALLY.
AND BIG BAG, TOO.
[ LAUGHTER ]
OH, MY GOD.
SO, HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO
LAS VEGAS BEFORE?
>> YEAH.
>> YEAH, IT'S FUN, ISN'T IT?
SO, YOU'RE STRAIGHT?
>> YEAH.
>> NEVER BEEN WITH A GUY?
>> NO.
>> NO. ALL RIGHT.
WELL, YOU KNOW, PEOPLE SEE
DIFFERENT THINGS IN DIFFERENT
PEOPLE.
LIKE ME, I'M A GOOD COOK.
AND WHEN I TELL PEOPLE I'M A
GOOD COOK, THEY FREAK OUT.
THEY'RE LIKE, "REALLY?!"
[ LAUGHTER ]
I SWEAR TO GOD.
I'M LIKE, "I CAN COOK."
"REALLY?!"
WHY WOULD YOU BE THAT SURPRISED
THAT I CAN COOK?
I'M A BIG BOY.
I CAN COOK, YOU KNOW?
THAT GOES HAND IN HAND.
I MEAN, I LIKE TO DRINK.
I LIKE TO GAMBLE.
I HAVE A VERY ADDICTIVE
PERSONALITY.
IN FACT, I JUST BOUGHT A BOOK ON
ADDICTION.
I FUCKING LOVE IT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ Laughing ] I DO.
I'M GONNA BUY ANOTHER COPY, I
THINK.
I HOPE THE GUY ANSWERS HIS PAGE.
SO, ANDREW, YOU'VE NEVER BEEN
WITH A GUY?
>> NO.
>> EVER?
>> NO.
>> REALLY?! EVER?
[ LAUGHTER ]
NOTHING?
LIKE, SERIOUSLY, LIKE A
SEVENTH-GRADE SLEEPOVER, A TENT
IN THE BACK, YOU KNOW, SWORD
FIGHT, NOTHING?
[ LAUGHTER ]
LOOK AT ALL THE STRAIGHT GUYS
GOING, "A SWORD FIGHT COUNTS?"
NO, IT DOESN'T.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT DOESN'T COUNT.
DID YOU PLAY SPORTS GROWING UP,
ANDREW?
>> I DID.
>> WHAT DID YOU PLAY?
>> I RAN TRACK.
>> [ Laughing ] TRACK?
AND YOU NEVER SUCKED A DICK?
[ LAUGHTER ]
I'M SORRY.
DID I SAY THAT OUT LOUD?
I MEAN, 'CAUSE I PLAYED
FOOTBALL, AND I'M THE GAY GUY,
BUT YOU WERE IN TRACK AND FIELD
AND NEVER FUCKED -- ALL RIGHT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ SIGHS ]
WELL, YOU'RE ADORABLE.
I'M ATTRACTED TO GUYS LIKE YOU.
YOU LOOK LIKE YOU COULD THROW A
FOOTBALL AND A TANTRUM, AND THAT
IS EXACTLY...
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ LAUGHS ]
EXACTLY WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR.
OH.
BUT, ACTUALLY, I'M NOT LOOKING
ANYMORE.
I ACTUALLY HAVE A BOYFRIEND NOW.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
YEP.
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TAKE THAT.
YOU'RE APPLAUDING.
"OH, THE BIG FAT GUY GOT
SOMETHING.
THAT'S NICE."
'CAUSE, SERIOUSLY, IT'S NOT EASY
FOR ME.
WHEN I WAS DATING -- I MEAN, IF
YOU LOOK LIKE ME AND YOU'RE GAY
AND GO TO A GAY BAR, GUYS DON'T
THINK YOU'RE THERE TO BLOW THEM.
THEY THINK YOU'RE THERE TO BASH
THEM.
[ Laughing ] YOU KNOW WHAT I
MEAN?
I MEAN, I'LL WALK IN, DRESSED
LIKE THIS.
I'M LIKE, "HEY, WHAT'S UP?"
THEY'RE LIKE, "I DON'T THINK
SO."
[ IMITATES WHISTLE ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ IMITATES WHISTLE ]
THEY'RE BLOWING THE RAPE
WHISTLE.
[ IMITATES WHISTLE ]
CUT TO FOUR LESBIANS KICKING THE
SHIT OUT OF ME.
NO, LESBIANS -- WHERE ARE THE
LESBIANS AT, BY APPLAUSE?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THERE YOU GO.
I LOVE MY LESBIAN SISTERS.
AND I WILL TELL YOU THIS -- IF
YOU'RE STRAIGHT AND YOU DON'T
KNOW THIS, LESBIANS ARE VERY,
VERY POWERFUL PEOPLE.
I SWEAR TO GOD.
IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME, I'LL
GIVE YOU A COUPLE SCENARIOS THAT
I'VE SEEN.
LIKE, TWO GAY GUYS WALKING DOWN
THE STREET AND A COUPLE STRAIGHT
GUYS ARE WALKING TOWARD THEM,
STRAIGHT GUYS LOOK AT EACH OTHER
AND GO, "PBHT.
FAGS."
RIGHT?
TWO LESBIANS WALKING NEAR THOSE
STRAIGHT PEOPLE, STRAIGHT GUYS
GO, "LET'S CROSS THE STREET."
[ LAUGHTER ]
"I DON'T WANT ANY PROBLEMS."
LESBIANS ARE THE BEST.
I LIVED IN HOUSTON, TEXAS, FOR A
LONG TIME, AND THEY DIDN'T JUST
HAVE ONE LESBIAN BAR THERE.
THEY HAD A WHOLE -- IT WAS AN
OLD, LIKE, SHOPPING CENTER, AND
THEY CONVERTED IT ALL INTO A
LESBIAN COMPLEX.
AND I KNOW THAT SOUNDS LIKE
SOMETHING YOU WOULD GET IN HIGH
SCHOOL, BUT IT'S NOT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
NO, IT WAS LIKE SEVEN DIFFERENT
BARS UNDER ONE ROOF, AND THEY
HAD EVERYTHING YOU COULD
IMAGINE.
IT WASN'T JUST LESBIANS.
IT WAS STRAIGHT PEOPLE COULD GO
THERE, GAY PEOPLE -- WHATEVER.
IT WAS FUN.
BUT I CAN SAY THIS --
I'VE HAD THE MOST FUN IN MY LIFE
IN A LESBIAN BAR, AND I'VE BEEN
SCAREDER THAN I'VE EVER BEEN IN
MY LIFE IN A LESBIAN BAR.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I MEAN, I SWEAR TO GOD -- I
DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW WHAT TRUE
FEAR IS UNTIL YOU WALK INTO A
LESBIAN BAR AT LIKE 1:30 A.M.
AND SEE THREE DRUNK WOMEN
LOOKING AT YOU AT THE BAR,
GOING, "WHO'S THE CUTE CHICK IN
THE JERSEY?"
[ LAUGHTER ]
"WHAT?"
I MEAN, I DRANK THAT FREE BEER.
I'M NOT GONNA LIE TO YOU.
BUT I, UM...
[ LAUGHTER ]
I CAN'T SHOOT POOL, SO THEY
FUCKING KNEW, RIGHT?
[ LAUGHTER ]
OH.
[ SIGHS ]
ANDREW. ARE YOU OKAY?
YOU'RE JUST ROCKING BACK AND
FORTH, GOING...
♪ JESUS LOVES ME ♪
♪ YES, I KNOW ♪
♪ FOR THE BIBLE ♪
[ LAUGHTER ]
DID IT SCARE YOU WHEN I TOLD YOU
I FOUND YOU ATTRACTIVE?
>> NO.
>> [ Laughing ] "NO"?!
OKAY, IT -- LET ME -- IT SHOULD,
ALL RIGHT?
[ LAUGHTER ]
I'M BIG ENOUGH TO HOLD YOU DOWN
AND DO WHATEVER I WANT.
YOU SHOULD BE SCARED TO FUCKING
DEATH.
SERIOUSLY.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
I MEAN, ANDREW, YOU COULD WAKE
UP IN THE MORNING, WEARING THIS
JERSEY AND NOTHING ELSE.
[ Laughing ] DO YOU REALIZE?
YOU'LL BE AT WORK, GOING, "OH,
MY GOD, THAT COMEDY SHOW FOR
SHOWTIME MADE MY BUTT HURT."
HEY, GOD BLESS YOU.
GOD BLESS THE TROOPS.
I'M SCOTT KENNEDY.
THANK YOU, GUYS, VERY MUCH.
>> SCOTT KENNEDY.
ONLY MAN I EVER KNEW WHO WROTE
HIS NAME ON THE WALL OF A
MOSQUE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND PHONE NUMBER.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I WAS THINKING ABOUT -- I
HAVEN'T, YOU KNOW, BEEN TO IRAQ,
BUT I HAVE DRIVEN A HUMMER.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WHICH I UNDERSTAND IS KEY TO THE
IRAQ EXPERIENCE.
IT WAS A FRIEND'S HUMMER, YOU
KNOW, 'CAUSE I -- FIRST OF ALL,
YOU KNOW, I CAN'T GET INTO A
HUMMER.
I MEAN, HAVE YOU TRIED?
IT'S LIKE, YOU HAVE TO GO BUY
THEM BY SIZE.
"I'D LIKE A HUMMER AT 46" LONG."
SO YOU GET INTO THE THING, AND
YOU'RE HUNCHED OVER LIKE THIS.
AND IT HAD ONE OF THOSE RADIOS
THAT IS VOICE ACTIVATED, AND YOU
TELL IT WHAT YOU WANT, AND IT'S
BEEN PROGRAMMED.
SO I SAID, "COUNTRY MUSIC," AND
GARTH BROOKS CAME ON.
AND I SAID, "MOTOWN," AND
THE SUPREMES CAME ON.
AND THEN A WOMAN ON LANKERSHIM
CUT ME OFF, AND I SAID, "YOU
MISERABLE BITCH," AND DR. LAURA
CAME ON.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I ONLY MENTION HER BECAUSE WE
GOT HER OFF THE AIR.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
SHE'S IN RADIO, BUT WE GOT HER
OFF TV.
SO WE HAVE POWER.
AND SPEAKING OF POWER, I AM NOW
GOING TO BRING THE ONLY OTHER
GORGEOUS BLONDE ON THE SHOW,
ASIDE FROM MYSELF, OUT HERE.
WHEN YOU SEE HER, YOUR FIRST
REACTION -- IF YOU'VE NEVER SEEN
HER BEFORE, YOU WILL THINK, "OH,
MY GOD, ELLEN DeGENERES HAS AN
EVIL TWIN."
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND IF YOU HAVE SEEN HER BEFORE,
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE IN FOR --
THE INCREDIBLE POPPY CHAMPLIN.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> MY NAME, POPPY, CAME FROM MY
AUNT POPPY, WHO -- HER REAL NAME
WAS PATRICIA.
BUT FOR THE COMEDY SHOW, I JUST
SAY THAT MY PARENTS WERE HEROIN
ADDICTS.
MAKES IT WORK.
[ Laughing ] YOU KNOW, AND THEN
I SAY MY BROTHER'S NAME'S OPIE.
SO I CAME FROM A BIG DRUGGIE
FAMILY.
BUT I DIDN'T REALLY.
WE SMOKED POT, BUT THAT WAS
ABOUT IT.
AND I QUIT POT NOW, WHICH IS
REALLY IMPORTANT, TO QUIT
SMOKING POT, PEOPLE.
BUT IT'S DIFFICULT TO QUIT WHEN
YOU STILL SELL IT, LIKE I DO.
SO, ANYWAY, FOR A WOMAN TO BE
FUNNY, I THINK, IS A VERY
POWERFUL PLACE TO BE, AND NOT A
LOT OF WOMEN GET TO DO IT.
JOAN RIVERS ACTUALLY WAS ALMOST
A MENTOR FOR ME.
IT WAS KIND OF BIZARRE, BUT I
STARTED DOING TOO MUCH COCAINE,
AND MY VOICE [as Rivers] STARTED
CHANGING, AND I STARTED
SOUNDING...
"CAN WE TALK?"
I JUST STARTED SOUNDING LIKE
JOAN RIVERS.
AY AY AY AY AY AY AY!
[ LAUGHS ]
[ Normal voice ] AND THEN I JUST
STARTED DOING HER ACT, WHICH I
DIDN'T REALIZE I WASN'T SUPPOSED
TO.
AND I ACTUALLY DID IT IN A HOTEL
AND GOT PAID, AND SO I LEARNED
HOW TO BE JOAN RIVERS.
YOU KNOW, I LEARNED HOW TO BE A
COMEDIAN.
2000 -- I THINK I CAME OUT IN
2000, BECAUSE I JUST FELT LIKE I
WASN'T TELLING ALL THE TRUTH.
AND, I THINK, TO BE REALLY GOOD
AND REALLY FUNNY AND -- I GUESS
YOU HAVE TO BE HONEST, YOU KNOW?
YOU CAN'T REALLY HIDE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
YEAH! HOW YOU GUYS DOING?
WHOO!
WE MADE IT!
WE MADE IT TO SHOWTIME!
[ LAUGHS ]
THAT'S AWESOME.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING OUT
TO THE SHOW, YOU BIG GAY PEOPLE!
THANK YOU.
SO, HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE COUPLES?
THAT'S A BIG DEAL, ISN'T IT?
COUPLES?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
HOW ABOUT SINGLES?
SINGLE PEOPLE? SINGLES?
[ LOUD CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WOW.
THAT'S A LOT HAPPIER.
YOU NOTICE THAT? A LOT HAPPIER.
HOW MANY COUPLES ARE LOOKING FOR
A SINGLE?
ANYBODY LIKE THAT?
>> YES!
>> [ Laughing ] YEAH!
THAT IS HAPPENING A LOT, ISN'T
IT?
I ASKED MY LAST GIRLFRIEND IF WE
COULD DO THAT, YOU KNOW, IF I
COULD BRING ANOTHER WOMAN INTO
THE RELATIONSHIP.
AND SHE'S LIKE, "OKAY."
I'M LIKE, "REALLY?"
[ LAUGHTER ]
"I WAS ONLY KIDDING."
SHE'S LIKE, "NO, OKAY, AS LONG
AS I CAN CHOOSE HER."
I'M LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, CHOOSE
HER.
WHAT DO YOU GOT?"
[ LAUGHTER ]
SO WE STARTED SEEING THIS WOMAN
ONCE A WEEK, COST US 140 BUCKS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
[ LAUGHS ]
YEAH, COUPLES COUNSELING.
THAT'S WHERE WE WENT -- COUPLES
COUNSELING.
OH, LESBIANS LOVE GOING TO
COUPLES COUNSELING, DON'T WE?
LOVE IT. LOVE IT. LOVE IT.
LOVE IT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I HAVE HAD TOO MANY PARTNERS IN
MY GAY PROFESSIONAL CAREER.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I COULD START A LAW FIRM AT THIS
POINT IN TIME.
I COULD.
AND MY LAST ONE WAS LIKE
23 YEARS OLD.
THAT WAS RIDICULOUS.
WHAT AM I LOOKING FOR, A JUNIOR
PARTNER?
MAYBE. MAYBE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I'M TELLING YOU, MAN.
AND I DON'T KNOW.
I FIGHT A LITTLE TOO MUCH WHEN I
GET IN RELATIONSHIPS.
ANYBODY FIGHT A LITTLE BIT?
HAVE LITTLE ARGUMENTS?
YOU KNOW, I SWEAR -- I NEEDED,
LIKE, THE DYKE WHISPERER TO COME
IN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WHAT IS WRONG WITH US?
THE THERAPIST SAID, "YOU HAVE A
FEAR OF COMMITMENT, POPPY.
YOU HAVE A FEAR OF COMMITMENT.
AS SOON AS YOU LET SOMEBODY IN,
YOU GET THEM A LITTLE TOO CLOSE,
THEY GET A LITTLE TOO INTIMATE,
YOU GET A LITTLE PERSONAL, YOU
PUSH HER AWAY."
[ LAUGHTER ]
I'M LIKE, "YEAH?
WELL, I'M GETTING RID OF YOU
NEXT WEEK."
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT'S DIFFICULT.
I MEAN, MAYBE I HAVE DIFFICULTY
WITH RELATIONSHIPS, I ADMIT.
I HAVE DIFFICULTY WITH
RELATIONSHIPS BECAUSE I TRAVEL A
LOT AND I'M AN ASSHOLE.
BUT ANYWAY...
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ LAUGHS ]
NO, I TRAVEL.
I TRAVEL A LOT, AND EVEN MY DOG
IS STARTING TO GET PISSED OFF AT
ME.
ARE YOU DOG PEOPLE?
ARE YOU GUYS DOG PEOPLE?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
YES! YES! WHOO!
[ LAUGHS ]
SO, I WANT TO BRING MY DOG WITH
ME, RIGHT?
SO -- BUT HE'S JUST A LITTLE TOO
BIG TO FIT IN THE CARRIER THAT
GOES UNDER THE SEAT ON THE
AIRLINE, RIGHT?
SO, ANYWAY, I GOT HIM SOME
REALLY GOOD DRUGS, AND HE FITS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SO, "AHA!"
[ LAUGHS ]
[ GROWLS ]
"GET IN THERE! GET IN THERE!"
DRAG. DRAG.
SO I'M DRAGGING HIM UP TO THE
COUNTER, AND THE LADY'S LIKE,
"OH, NO.
OH, NO."
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ LAUGHS ]
I'M LIKE "[Laughing] WHAT?
HE'S IN THERE. LOOK. HE FITS."
[ LAUGHS ]
RIGHT?
HIS FACE IS ALL "BLAAH!" YOU
KNOW.
I'M LIKE, "HE'S SLEEPING.
THAT'S HOW COMFORTABLE HE IS."
[ LAUGHTER ]
THEY'RE LIKE, "NO. NO. NO."
[ LAUGHS ]
"WE INSIST THAT THE DOG BE ABLE
TO STAND COMPLETELY UP AND TURN
COMPLETELY AROUND IN THE
CARRIER, OR ELSE WE CONSIDER
THAT TORTURE."
[ LAUGHTER ]
WELL, I CAN'T STAND COMPLETELY
UP AND TURN COMPLETELY AROUND IN
MY SEAT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WHY ISN'T THAT TORTURE?!
THAT'S TORTURE, TOO!
[ LAUGHS ]
NO, THAT'S TORTURE.
ANYWAY, SO I COULDN'T BRING HIM
ON THE PLANE, SO THEN I THOUGHT,
"WELL, THEN I'LL TRY TO GET HIM
ON A TRAIN.
I'LL GET HIM ON THE TRAIN TO
COME WITH ME."
SO, BUT THE TRAINS -- HAVE YOU
TRIED THIS?
THE TRAINS INSIST THAT THE DOG
BE A SERVICE ANIMAL.
WELL, I'M A LITTLE DESPERATE
'CAUSE I WANT TO BRING HIM, SO I
WENT AND I GOT THE ORANGE VEST.
ANYBODY?
[ LAUGHS ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU PUT THE ORANGE VEST ON AND
THE LITTLE LEATHER HARNESS WITH
THE HANDLE AND EVERYTHING, THE
BLACK GLASSES, YOU KNOW.
[ LAUGHS ]
BUT HE'S A SHIH TZU, SO I HAVE
TO WALK LIKE THIS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ LAUGHING ]
THEY'RE LIKE, "NO. NO. NO."
I LOVE THEM, THOUGH.
I LOVE THE EXCURSIONS.
I GO ON ALL THE LESBIAN --
LESBIANS LOVE THE EXCURSIONS ON
THE CRUISES, DON'T WE?
>> YEAH!
>> WE TURN INTO
DORA THE EXPLORER.
WE ARE OUT THERE WITH OUR FANNY
PACK, A MACHETE, A JUNGLE BIKE.
"LET'S GO, LADIES!"
[ LAUGHTER ]
"WE ARE DOING EVERYTHING!"
AND THESE WOMEN ARE VERY EAGER
BEAVERS.
I GOT TO TELL YOU -- VERY EAGER.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ LAUGHS ]
DOUBLE ENTENDRE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ LAUGHS ]
THEY ARE EAGER BEAVERS!
BECAUSE THEY'RE LIKE, "POPPY,
LET'S GO SEE THE RUINS OF TULUM.
I'M LIKE, "ALL RIGHT.
I'M DOWN WITH THE
RUINS OF TULUM.
WHAT TIME WE GOING?"
THEY'RE LIKE, "7:00."
"WHAT?"
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ LAUGHS ]
"7:00 A.M.?
7:00 A.M.?
THAT'S WHEN WE'RE GOING TO SEE
THE RUINS OF TULUM?"
[ LAUGHTER ]
I'M LIKE, "IF I WANT TO SEE
RUINS AT 7:00 A.M., I'LL LOOK IN
THE MIRROR."
I DON'T NEED TO GO TO THE RUINS
OF TULUM.
[ LAUGHS ]
THE MEN, NOT SO MUCH WITH THE
EXCURSIONS, RIGHT, THE GAY MEN?
NO.
ALL THEIR EXCURSIONS ARE PRETTY
MUCH HAPPENING ON THE CRUISE
SHIP.
[ LAUGHS ]
RIGHT? YEAH.
"HAVE A DRINK, A DANCE, AND NOW
LET'S GO FIND THAT REMOTE
BATHROOM I FOUND AT THE OTHER
END OF THE SHIP."
GUYS, YOU GET TO GET BLOWJOBS SO
FAST AND HAVE NO STRINGS
ATTACHED AT ALL.
THAT IS AMAZING TO ME!
[ LAUGHTER ]
THE GUY'S ON HIS KNEES STILL.
"YOU WANT MY NUMBER?"
"NOPE, I'M GOOD."
"OKAY, BYE-BYE. SEE YOU LATER."
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ LAUGHS ]
OH, MY GOD!
LESBIANS, CAN WE DO THAT?
>> NO.
>> UH, NO. HELLO?
[ LAUGHTER ]
AS SOON AS WE HAVE SEX, LET THE
CODEPENDENCY BEGIN.
THAT IS IT.
RIGHT?
OH.
AND THEN WE NEVER BREAK UP.
WE NEVER BREAK UP.
SHOULD HAVE BEEN OVER 55 YEARS
AGO.
WE'RE STILL TOGETHER.
LESBIANS ARE LIKE STAMPS -- ONCE
YOU LICK THEM, THEY STICK.
THAT IS IT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU LEARN. YOU LEARN.
[ LAUGHS ]
YOU LEARN ON THE CRUISES,
THOUGH.
YOU LEARN.
I NEVER GO IN THE MEN'S SAUNA ON
THE CRUISES.
DO NOT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT'S DANGEROUS.
I ALMOST GOT HIT BY FRIENDLY
FIRE.
DON'T GO IN THERE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I DON'T KNOW HOW THEY -- WELL, I
KNOW HOW THEY DO IT -- VIAGRA,
THAT'S HOW THEY DO IT.
RIGHT? THEY DO.
AND NOW THERE'S VIAGRA FOR
WOMEN.
HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THIS?
YEAH.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE SIDE
EFFECTS ARE GONNA BE WITH THAT.
I THINK YOUR LIPS ARE GONNA BLOW
UP LIKE PONTOONS -- THAT'S
WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
HOLY SHIT!
"THAT'S NOT A CAMEL TOE --
THAT'S A CATCHER'S MITT.
THAT'S WHAT YOU GOT GOING ON.
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?"
WHOO!
THAT'S A -- WOW!
TALK ABOUT A "VAGINA MONOLOGUE."
HELLO! HELLO!
[ Laughing ] HELLO!
THANKS A LOT, YOU GUYS!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
GOD BLESS YOU!
>> LET'S BRING THEM ALL OUT.
ALEC MAPA!
SANDRA!
SCOTT KENNEDY!
AND POPPY CHAMPLIN!
HEY!
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
WE'LL BE GAY ALL WEEK.
SAME-SEX MARRIAGE IS JUST LIKE
EVERY OTHER KIND OF MARRIAGE.
PEOPLE WHO ARE TRYING TO DEFEND
THE SANCTITY OF MARRIAGE ARE
CRAZY BECAUSE WE WANT TO HAVE
THE SANCTITY OF MARRIAGE.
WE WANT TO HAVE ALL THE THINGS
THAT MARRIED PEOPLE HAVE.
WE WANT TO HAVE THE 1,500 RIGHTS
THAT PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT MARRIED
DON'T GET.
AND THE ONLY ARGUMENT REALLY
AGAINST IT IS RELIGIOUS BIGOTRY,
AND IT'S A TOUGH ONE.
RELIGIOUS BIGOTRY TRUMPS A LOT,
YOU KNOW?
IT HAS OVER THE CENTURIES.
>> I'M GOING TO GO SLAP
SCOTT MONTOYA IN THE BUTT.
[ LAUGHS ]
>> THAT WAS A TAG TEAM.
>> WE'VE BEEN ON THE BUS
TOGETHER.
>> WE'VE GOT STORIES, RIGHT
HERE.
>> WE HAVE STORIES!
>> DIDN'T WE HAVE TO SIGN A
CONFIDENTIALITY WAIVER ON THAT
TOUR?
>> I THINK WE DID.
>> I THINK WE DID.
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