Portnoy's Complaint (1972) - full transcript

I've got no delusions
Mr. Portnoy.

'I mean, I don't expect to get
treated like no princess'

'but I've got feelings too,
just like the next person.'

'So how much of this stuff
am I supposed to take?'

'I can write letters to the
mayor, every hour on the hour''

'"It's just a big waste
of time", he said.'

'He's not putting no radiator in
the bathroom, and that's that''

'So I said, "What do I do when
it's below zero in this city'

freeze my a-
my arms off?"

And he says, "You can always
move to the Waldorf Astoria."

Like it's all a big joke
or something.



That's when I picked up the
phone book and threw it at him.

'It wasn't one of those
with the hard black covers'

'like you see in phone booth.
It was-It was a soft one.'

'Just Manhattan or maybe
the Bronx, I don't know.'

'So, what's the big deal
is what I'm trying to find out''

'Why have I gotta lose my job
and get insulted by the cops'

'like I'm a criminal, when all
I'm doing is make the city'

'force this son of a-
this miserable man to come up'

'with a crummy radiator, so I
can live like a human being?'

'I'm a human being, Mr. Portnoy,
like you and everybody else.'

'And I don't have to
suffer like no animal'

'every time it gets freezing
in this city.'

- Why don't you sit over here?
- What?

'Why don't you sit over here?'



Oh.

'So, it's in your hands now,
Mr. Portnoy, and I sure hope'

'you do something quick,
because it isn't the job'

or the money,
it is a matter of principle.

And the principle is,
I wanna see this dirty bas..

'...this miserable guy
get what's coming to him.'

'Now, I don't mean to say
I don't want that radiator.'

Don't get me wrong. Spring is
spring, and summer is summer.

'But, winter'll be here
before I can find my way'

out of this crazy building.

Hey. You don't happen to have no
job around here for me, do you?

'Nah, forget it. I'm not here
looking for no job.'

'I am here
looking for justice.'

'And you look like the kind of
fella who could give it to me''

[phone buzzing]

Excuse me.

Yes?

Yes, I know I'm late. Thanks.

Well, now, thank you very much
for taking all this trouble

- to come here personally.
- Listen, no trouble. Thank you.

You'll hear from me, don't worry
and so will Mr. Banducci.

Bandulo.

Bandulo!

I'll get into you,
uh, into it, right away.

Thanks again, Mr. Portnoy.

Not at all.

[bell dings]

I've enjoyed every minute of it.

["Portnoy's Complaint Theme"
by Michel Legrand]

[theme music continues]

[screaming]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[screaming]

[music continues]

[doorknob clicks]

Look, I just want you to know,
I think continuing with this

is gonna be a complete
waste of time.

Not a goddamn thing
is gonna come of it.

Ever since I got back
from Europe, I've been lying

in that womanless bed
of mine every night

with a volume
of Sigmund Freud in my hand

learning about impedance
and infantile fixations.

Sometimes Freud in hand,
sometimes Portnoy in hand..

...sometimes both.

Which reminds me,
my mother called me today

right in the middle..

[laughing]

Nah, to hell with that.

[sighs]

It's the Monkey. Mary Jane Reid.

I still keep seeing her jumping.

Every place I go,
she's making that awful leap.

She's-she's hurtling down
at me, she won't go away.

She's falling, always falling
and she's going to smash

right into the ground,
and me with her.

I mean, the Monkey's jumping off
every building in New York.

I'm beginning to get
a little bored with it, doctor.

[machine whirring]

Ah! Yeah, yeah.

I'm wasting time.

I know, I know.

Okay!

Here he is, ladies and gentlemen

direct from a record-breaking
engagement with his own family.

That bad little,
good little Jewish boy

torn by desires repugnant
to his conscience

and by a conscience
repugnant to his desires

brought to you by the makers
of Two Cents Plain.

"The Alexander Portnoy Show."

Hey.

I remember how my mother taught
me to take a leak, standing up.

This may be the information
we've been waiting for.

No?

The key to what determined my
character...or the lack of it.

'You wanna hear how I learned to
pee into the bowl, like a man''

Just listen to this. I stand
over the circle of water

while with one hand my momma
makes a trickle from the faucet.

With the other hand she tickles
the underside of my weenie.

I guess she thinks that's how
you get stuff to come out

of the front of that thing.
And let me tell you, doctor..

...the lady's right.

'And where was my father,
as mommy was teaching'

'her little baby boy, how
to grow up? He was drinking.'

'Of course, not drinking
whiskey, like most men.'

But mineral oil and chewing
on ex-lax morning and night.

He suffered from constipation.
Oh, God, did he suffer?

[door slams]

Listen, big shot teenager.
Don't make me tell you again.

Get out of those dungarees
and wear some decent clothes

like me and your sister.

They're not dungarees,
they're Levis.

To me you're wearing overalls.

'I'm sorry, just because
it's your holiday'

'doesn't mean it's mine.'

'Where the devil is my Myth?'

I don't believe in religion,
any religion.

- They're all a bunch of lies.
- Oh, they are, are they?

I'm not gonna act like holidays
mean anything, when they don't.

Maybe they don't mean anything
because you don't know anything

about it, Mr. High I.Q.

One, two, three, you were
Bar Mitzvahed and that was that?

What do you know about Jewish
people that you call suffering

and heartache a lie?

I know enough!

All he wants is, even if
you won't go to the synagogue

- just change your clothes.
- For what?

Why don't you tell me
to change my clothes

for some alley-cat or tree
because at least they exist.

If your mother was here, now. If
she wasn't sick in the hospital

with her agony...one day a year
you ask him to do something..

...he's too big for it.
He's too brilliant for it.

A's in school, but in life,
he's as ignorant as he was born.

You! You!
You're the ignorant one!

- You!
- Alex.

Twenty years with all that
suffering and heartache crap!

Will you stop it? Be quiet,
don't talk him like that.

Mind your own damn business.

Go ahead.

Wear rags for all I care.

Dress like a peddler.

Shame me, embarrass me,
do anything you want to me.

[door slams]

(Alex)
'Hi, ma.'

Alex.

Come here, darling.

Come here.

Mrs. Rosaline,
this is my boy, Alex.

He looks like you.

[laughing]

Come. Sit closer, sweetheart.

You didn't go
with your father. He called.

Mother, look, I--

Please, there must be
better things to talk about.

Mmm, here, finish it.
Ginger ale.

'Take.'

I'm not thirsty.

Come here. Come here.
Look how you're perspiring.

I'm not thirsty.

'Don't be so polite
all of a sudden.'

- But I don't like ginger ale.
- 'You don't like ginger ale?'

No.

'Since when?'

Ma, I'm..

We're so happy.

I...that...that
you're all okay now.

I mean, I'm...I'm glad
that you're coming home.

He loves baseball. He could play
baseball 12 months of the year.

Center fielder for the CB's.

Yeah, we got
a league game today.

On Jewish holiday?

A lot of things go on
on a Jewish holiday.

The whole world goes on
on a Jewish holiday.

Rabbi Vorshop was here.
You remember Rabbi Vorshop?

Yeah, I remember Rabbi Vorshop.

He Bar Mitzvahed my Alex,
Rabbi Vorshop.

'It was such a beautiful
Bar Mitzvah. So lovely it was''

'He didn't forget us
a single word.'

And another thing, I'm sick
and tired of Goyisha this

and Goyisha that.

If it's bad, it's the Goyim,
if it's good, it's the Jews.

Everyone wasn't lucky enough to
have been born a Jew, you know.

So how about a little compassion
for the less fortunate, okay?

'It turns out, that there is
just a little bit more to lif''

'than what you can stick
into those two useless'

and disgusting categories.

So instead of crying for "He who
refuses to take off his Levis

and go to the synagogue",
instead of wailing for

"He who has turned his back
on the song of his people"

'weep your own pathetic selves,
why don't you?'

It's coming out of my ears
already, the Goyim and the Jews.

Do me a favor, my people, stick
your narrow-minded categories

up your narrow-minded ass.

[cheering]

[Alex laughing]

(female)
'What?'

[puffing]

(Alex)
'Nothing.'

I've just been re-writing
my Bar Mitzvah..

...twenty years ago.

Alex..

Mm-hmm?

- Who's Thereal?
- Thereal?

- I think that's what you said.
- When?

When you were cumming,
you cried out, "Thereal."

Come on,
who the hell is she?

- Do you really wanna know?
- Better be good.

She was a mythical,
marvelous whore I invented

when I was a kid in high school.

A girl of my erotic dreams,
Thereal McCoy.

Oh, and I'm your
erotic dream come true.

I used to spend half my life,
locked in the bathroom

firing my wad down
the toilet bowl.

Or into the dirty clothes
in the laundry hamper

or up against
the medicine chest mirror

so I could see
how it looked coming out.

[laughing]

And always it was Thereal McCoy,
I was doing it to.

Always Thereal McCoy panting,
"Oh, give it to me, big boy!"

- "Give it to me!"
- I know how she felt.

I was totally incapable of
keeping my paws from my dong

once it started to climb.

- Me too.
- Nay.

In the middle of a class
I would rush to the boys' room

and beat off into urinal.

At the movies...I'd leave my
friends, go to the candy machine

and wind up in
a distant balcony seat

squirting my seed into the empty
wrapper from a Mounds Bar.

[laughing]

God, I love this.

Once at a picnic, my mother
cored an apple for me.

When I saw what it looked like,
I ran off with it to the woods.

And pretended that
the cool hole of the fruit

was between the legs
of that wonderful girl

who always called me "big boy"
and pleaded for more.

"Oh, shove it in me, big boy",
cried the cored apple

as I banged it silly,
on that picnic.

"Big boy, big boy.
Oh, give me all you've got!"

begged the empty milk bottle

that I kept hidden
in our basement

to drive wild after school
with my vaselined upright.

"Cum, big boy, cum", screamed
the maddened piece of liver

that in my insanity I bought
one afternoon at a butcher shop

and believe it or not,
violated behind a billboard

on the way to
a Bar Mitzvah lesson.

Liver. That's really creative.

[laughing]

It wasn't my first piece either.

My...my..

...my first piece, I found in
our refrigerator one afternoon

when I came home from school.

And had in the privacy
of the bathroom at 3:30.

And then had again on the end of
a fork at 6 o'clock that evening

along with the other members
of my poor innocent family.

So, now you know the worst
thing I've ever done, Monkey.

I fucked my own family's dinner.

[laughing]

If only I had known you then..

...I could've saved you
so much trouble.

Finally, I discovered a little
discolored dot down there.

Long after, I found out
it was a freckle.

But then...cancer.

I'd given myself cancer.

All that pulling and tugging,
all that friction.

I used to cry in bed at night.

"No, I don't want to die.
Please, no."

But then, because I will very
surely be a corpse anyway

I went ahead as usual
and jerked off into my sock.

[laughing]

- Your sock?
- Sure.

I had taken to carrying my dirty
socks into bed with me at night.

To use one as a receptacle
on retiring

and the other one,
upon awakening.

If only I could have cut down
to one handjob a week

or held the line
at two or even three.

But with the prospect
of death before me

I actually began to set
new records for myself.

Before meals, after meals,
during meals.

(Alex)
'Oh.'

'Oh, diarrhea. I got diarrhea''

(female)
'So, what else is new?'

(Alex)
'Oh.'

Thereal...my Thereal.

I don't know what's
gonna be with that boy.

The luck of the young, he's got
diarrhea. I got concrete.

[Alex groaning]

- Listen to the pain.
- I should have such pain.

What kind of talk is that?
Can't you hear the suffering?

I should have such suffering.

(Alex)
'Oh, oh.'

If I could do what he's doing,
just once a day

I'd be happy to do it
in Macy's window.

Macy's doesn't need
your business.

I wish they could
use my concrete.

- Oh, daddy!
- Oh, daddy.

Listen, from where I sit,
and I've sat there a long time.

What your brother is doing
in there right now

is what I would call
having a good time.

[Alex moaning]

[toilet seat clanks]

You let me handle this.

I don't understand why you have
to make such a noise in there?

What is this a home
or the metropolitan opera house?

Privacy, a human being around
here never can do or..

(sister)
'Daddy's just jealous.'

Alex, I want an answer from you.

About what?

About you in that bathroom,
was it..

I don't feel well.
Everybody leave me alone.

Did you eat French fries
after school?

- No!
- Is that why you're sick?

No, I didn't!

For heaven's sake, isn't there
any other subject--

How can a person digest
his food around here--

Leave me alone!

I'll leave you alone
when you explain to me exactly--

- Oh! Ooh!
- Alex.

(sister)
'Here we go again.'

[doorknob jolting]

Come on, give somebody else
a crack at that bowl.

'I haven't come up
with anything in a week.'

I'm busy, I'm in here. Doesn't
that mean anything to anyone?

Open up.

Alex, I want you to
open up this instant.

[Alex groaning]

Alex, are you in pain? Do you
want me to call the doctor?

I want to know exactly
where it hurts? Answer me.

[Alex groaning]

I don't like the sound of this,
I don't want you to flush.

I want to see what
you've done in there.

[toilet flushing]

Alex!

- What's the big deal?
- It's about time.

- You stay right here.
- I got homework.

Why did you flush the toilet,
when I told you not to?

I forgot.

What was in there that you
were so fast to flush it?

Diarrhea.

Was it mostly liquid
or mostly poopy?

I don't look, I didn't look.
Stop saying "poopy" to me.

- I'm in high school.
- Don't you shout at me.

Don't think you're fooling me.
Hannah tells me about you.

Hannah?

- So don't think I don't know.
- Yeah, what do I do?

You got to Harold's hot dog
at Hazarai palace after school

and you eat French fries
with Melvin Weiner.

That's what you do!
And don't lie to me, neither.

Jack! Jack!

- Come out of there. Hear this.
- 'I'm moving my bowels!'

'Don't I have enough trouble,
without people screaming'

'when I'm trying
to move my bowels?'

You know what your son
does after school?

The A student who his own mother
can't say "poopy" to anymore.

He's such a grown up. What does
he do when nobody's watching?

'Can I please be left alone?
Please.'

'Can I have a little peace
while I try to get something'

'accomplished in here.'

Just wait till your father
hears what you do

in defiance of every health
habit there could possibly be.

Alex, answer me something.

How do you think Melvin Weiner
gave himself colitis?

Why has that child spent
half his life in hospitals?

- Because he eats hazarai.
- Don't make fun of me!

Alright, how did
he get colitis?

Because he eats hazarai.

[laughing]

And it's not a joke.

Alex. Alex, tell me something
just so it's not a mystery

and I wouldn't tell your father.

But I must have
the truth from you.

Is it just French fries,
darling, or is it more?

Tell me please. What other kind
of garbage are you putting

into your mouth, that you're
getting this diarrhea?

Are you eating hamburger out?

Answer me, please. Is that
why you flush the toilet?

Was there hamburger?

I told you, I don't look
in the bowl when I flush it.

I'm not interested like you are
in other people's poopy.

Why don't you just plain
to stop eating or something?

Look who's talking!

Alex, Alex. Why are you
getting like this?

What horrible thing have we
done to you all our lives

that this should be our reward?

Alex, he had a headache on him,
he could hardly see straight.

He did?

He's not going in
next week for a test.

- For a test?
- For a tumor.

- Oh, Jesus.
- Bring him in, the doctor said.

"I may have to give him
a test for a tumor".

Alright, what is it
that was so urgent

you couldn't wait for me
to come out to tell me.

- Nothing! It's settled.
- What do you mean, settled?

'What's settled? What'd he do''

I told you, what he did is over
and done with, god willing, you!

Did you accomplish
anything in there?

Of course, I didn't accomplish
anything in there.

'Jack, what is it gonna be,
with you and those bowels?'

They turned into cement and
the cement turned to concrete.

- That's what it's gonna be.
- 'Because you eat too fast.'

- I don't eat too fast.
- How then? Slow?

I eat regular.

You eat like a pig.
Somebody should tell you that.

'Oh, you got a wonderful way of
expressing yourself sometimes''

I'm only speaking the truth.

- 'So what did he do?'
- I don't wanna upset you.

Let's just forget
the whole thing.

[sobbing]

What?

He eats French fries. He goes
after school with Melvin Weiner.

He stuffs himself
with French fry potatoes.

Jack, you tell him.
I'm only his mother.

Tell him what the end
is gonna be. Alex!

'It begins with diarrhea.
Do you know how it ends?'

With a sensitive stomach like
yours, do you know how it ends?

Wearing a plastic bag
to do your business in.

You heard your mother?

Don't eat French fries
with Melvin Weiner after school.

Jack. Forever,
tell him that, forever.

- Forever!
- 'Jack.'

All hamburgers out.

- All hamburgers out!
- Hamburgers, hamburgers!

They could put in anything
in the world. And he eats them!

'Make him promise
before it's too late.'

I promise!

Alex, this time, this time,
don't flush. Do you hear me?

I have to see
what's in that bowl.

(mother)
'Alex!'

(Alex)
Doctor, do you understand
what I was up against?

Do you get
what I'm trying to say?

All I really had that I could
call my own was my wang.

In fact it was the only thing
that really understood me.

The least I could do for it
was find it a girl.

(male)
'That's her, Portnoy.'

Bubbles Giradi.

What a pig!

Jesus, I'm gonna cum
just looking at her.

You really think,
she'll do it, Smolka?

Are you kidding?

I'm gonna put you and Mandel
between those legs right now.

Right in her own living room.
All I gotta do is ask.

- Is he shitting us, Arnie?
- Better not be.

I've been pounding off
over this for a week.

You don't believe me, forget it.

I do, I do. I've been saving
the Trojan for six months.

Okay, then.

Let's go.

Hey, Bubbles.

Get lost, Smolka.

(Mandel)
'Gorgeous, as ever.'

- 'Screw you, Mandel.'
- Anytime, baby.

'What do you guys want?
I'm busy.'

- I gotta talk to you.
- So, go ahead and talk.

- Who the hell is he?
- Oh, that's--

Ah! Paruda.
Anthony Paruda.

You can call me Tony.

Come on, Giradi, I've gotta talk
to you for a minute, in private.

Come on, let's go.

I told you, Smolka,
I'm busy. Can't you see?

Hey, come on, Bubbles.

This is me, Smolka. Who don't
take "no" for no answer.

Inside.

For Christ's sakes.

You guys!

Whoa!

Jesus, Mandel.
Suppose we get caught?

Portnoy, will you stop worrying!

But what about her brother,
the paratrooper?

No problem. He's going
six rounds tonight

in Hoboken under the name
of Johnny Girardi.

Her old man drives
for the mob, all night.

He don't show till daylight.

- And her mother?
- No problem, she's dead.

Arnie. One more thing.

- For Christ's sakes, now what?
- Suppose she's got the syph?

- Syph?
- Yeah.

So what, a little syph's
gonna hurt you?

Well, no.
I mean, what do I care?

But I got a hunch it may not
be my mother's favorite disease.

[metal clanking]

Alex, what is that you're hiding
under your foot?

Uh, nothing. Nothing.

Don't lie to me, young man,
I heard a definite click.

What is that,
that fell outta your trousers?

You're stepping on it with your
foot, out of your new trousers?

It's nothing. It's my shoe.
Leave me alone.

Alex, what have you..

Oh, my God!

(mother)
'Jack, come here quick, Jack.'

- Now, what?
- Jack! Look.

Look on the floor by his shoe.

What is that, mister?
Some smart high school joke?

What is that black plastic thing
doing on the floor?

It's not a plastic one.

It's my own.

I caught the syph from
an 18-year-old Italian girl.

From hillside..

...and now..

...and ho..

...I have no more p-p-penis..

[crying]

- No cigar.
- What?

She don't wanna
do it with you guys.

But you said that Portnoy and me
were going to get laid.

You said we were
gonna get blowed.

Reamed, steamed, and dry
cleaned is what you said.

So sue me.

Fuck it! She doesn't wanna
do it, no need to. Let's go.

Go, my ass!

Big man, for you
she'll do anything.

What kind of crap is this,
Smolka?

I-I mean, won't she even
beat our meat?

I don't know,
maybe she's a vegetarian.

Look, she doesn't
wanna do it. Let's go.

Who the hell is she, that she
can't give a guy a handjob?

A measly handjob.

Now, is this the world
to ask of her?

Well, I'm not leaving until she
comes through with something.

A handjob.

Okay, she'll jerk off
one of you guys.

But only with his pants on.
And that's all.

- I ain't--
- Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Flip a coin.

Heads or tails?

- Tails.
- Heads.

It hit the ceiling.
It don't count.

- Tell him it don't count.
- It don't count.

Do keep your voice down, Mandel.

Hi.

Look, let's get it straight.

You are the only one
I'm doing it to.

You and that's it.

It's entirely up to you.

Alright, take it out
of your pants.

But don't take 'em down.
You hear me?

Because I told 'em, I ain't
doing nothing to no one's balls.

- Fine, fine. Whatever you say.
- Don't try to touch me, either.

Look, if you want me to,
I'll go.

Just take it out.

[zipper unzips]

Sure, if that's what you want.

Ah..

...can't, uh..

It's funny..

Can't seem to, uh..

Just have to get, uh..

Ah!

Is that it?

Well, it gets bigger
when it gets harder.

I ain't got all night,
you know.

Oh, I don't think
it'll be all night.

Lay down.

What's the matter,
can't you get it up?

Uh, yeah.
Usually I can.

Well, then stop
holdin' it back on me.

I'm not!
I'm trying, Bubbles.

I'm gonna count to 50.

And, uh, if you can't do it
by then, it ain't my fault.

One, two, three, four

five, six, seven, eight

nine, ten.

Think of something.

11, 12, 13, 14.

Somthin' sexy.

15, 16..

[mumbling]

- Come on!
- I'm tryin', I'm tryin'.

Think of something else.

Alright, yeah,
I think I got it.

Good. Yeah, oh, good.
Good.

39, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's workin', yeah.

It's gettin' bigger.
39, 40, 41, 42.

What are you thinkin' of?

A piece of liver.

45, 46, 47,
48, 49, 50.

Okay. That's it.

- No! More!
- No.

One more. I beg of you.
Two more, please!

No!

Son of a bitch!

You got jizzum
all over the couch!

I got it in my eye!
I'll got blind!

You got it all
over everything.

Look at the doilies.

H-Help help me.

Son of a bitch,
you can't even come off

unless you pull your own
pudding. Cheap bastard!

- Fairy Jew!
- I'm not a fairy.

Jesus! My eye!

Water! Water, you...shit.

I'm on fire.

I'm blind for life.

- What is that?
- 'It's just me, mother.'

Alex?

'This nice big dog brought me
home, with my cane.'

A dog in my house? Get him out
before he filths everything.

'But, mama, he's here to stay.
He has to stay.'

- 'He's a guide dog. I'm blind''
- Jack, there's a dog here.

I've just finished washing
the kitchen floor.

Blind?

Oh, my God, Jack,
Alex has gone blind.

Him, blind?
How could he be blind?

He doesn't know what it means
to turn off the light.

How Alex? Tell us how such
a thing could happen?

That I have to live with
a dog because you're blind.

'Mama, how? How else?
I let a shiksa touch my dick.'

Oh!

(Alex)
You think it's any
different today, doctor?

Do you think one thing has
changed in the past 17 years?

Let me tell you something,
these people are incredible.

These people are unbelievable.

True, I don't see them
as much anymore.

In recent years, using all my
guile and cunning and strength

I have managed to hold
the visits for dinner

down to just once a month.

[doorbell ringing]

Alex, darling.

Hello, mother.

You didn't have to.

Don't ask what a day
I had with him yesterday.

Alex, when he has a day
like that you don't know

what a difference a call
from you would make.

And darling, next week
is his birthday.

That Mother's Day and my
birthday passed without a card

those things don't bother me.
But he'll be 66, Alex.

That's not a baby, Alex.
That's a landmark in a life.

So, you'll send a card.
It wouldn't kill you.

- How're you doing, Pop?
- You're late for a change.

Since when is a New Yorker
ever on time?

'A New Yorker? That's
something so special?'

Why you don't move back to
North Jersey is a mystery to me.

Why you prefer the noise,
and the crime

and the filth of that city?

I can imagine what you
pay those Goyisha robbers

for that two-by-four apartment.

You saw how he looks?

Whole more often, Alex.
Visit us.

Hannah and Hammodi and
the children come every Sunday.

Keep us informed what
you're doing with your life.

Don't go away again
without telling us.

Please, not again.

The last time you went away,
you didn't tell us.

Your father was ready
to phone the police.

You know how many times
he called and got no answer?

Take a guess.

If I'm dead, they'll smell
the body in 72 hours.

I assure you.

Don't talk like that!
God forbid!

Alex, to pick up the phone,
is such a simple thing.

Alex, how much longer will we
be around to bother you anyway?

Am I being unreasonable, doctor?

I mean, this is my life.
My only life.

And I'm living it in
the middle of a Jewish joke.

I am the son in the Jewish joke.

Only it ain't no joke.

I've begin to pall
a little at 33.

And also it hurts, you know.
There is pain involved.

What was it with
these Jewish parents?

Always hawking us
to be good sons.

Good boys. Always hawking us
to be nice.

To be bad, doctor.

To be bad and enjoy it.
That's the real struggle.

That's what makes men
of us boys.

Oh, mama!

Where did you get the idea
that the most wonderful thing

I could be in life was obedient?

'A little gentlemen. Huh!'

'For all the aspirations'

'for a creature
of lusts and desires.'

Fruit cake, mother!

Little fruit cake is what
you were trying to make me.

The mystery is how come
I didn't turn out like

all the nice young men
I see strolling hand-in-hand

in Bloomingdales,
on Saturday mornings.

How come I didn't wind up
sharing a house in Fire Island

with someone in eye makeup
named Sheldon?

The real mystery, if you wanna
know the truth, doctor

is how I ever made it into
the world of pussy at all.

That's the miracle.

(Alex)
Not that I hadn't danced around
with my share of girls

this city is so alive with.

Those self-assured
intelligent young things

fresh from their wholesome
Ivy League colleges.

None of them are what I've been
searching for and praying for

of my life that-that one lewd
and wanton gorgeous creature

of all my aching dreams.

No, you pray, and you pray,
and you pray.

Then, one night,
around midnight..

...on the corner of
Sixth Avenue and 52nd Street

just when you have come really
to the point of losing faith

in the very existence
of such a creature

suddenly...there she is.

Taxi!

Taxi!

Damn it!

Taxi!

Hi.

- What do you want?
- Buy you a drink.

Real swinger.

To eat your pussy baby,
how's that?

That's more like it.

[moaning]

[moaning continues]

[moaning continues]

[moaning continues]

[moaning continues]

Jesus!

Am I glad I couldn't
find a cab tonight.

'Oh, God, yeah.
You and me both, baby.'

- Now me, you.
- Really?

Yeah.

One good turn
deserves another.

(Alex)
Get out while
there's still time.

Who and what can
this crazy broad be?

Okay.

[classical music]

(female)
'I didn't put you to sleep,
did I?'

(Alex)
'You're wild, you know that?

(female)
'Mm-hmm.'

(Alex)
'You must've gone to
a special college or something''

(female)
'You're not so bad yourself.'

[music continues]

What made you decide
to pick me up tonight?

It was the maid's night out.

You're married?

Never heard of the word.

Wanna tell me
your right name or phony?

Alexander Portnoy.

If you don't believe me,
call my mother.

Nobody could make up
a name like that.

I'm Mary Jane Reid.
They call me The Monkey.

A monkey?

New position I invented made a
guy I knew, think of a monkey.

Mm-hmm.

Am I gonna get a crack
at that zoo sometime?

I'll give it some thought.

- Where are you going?
- No place special.

I think I may turn myself in.

'Hey, you know what?'

'About a month ago,
I had this virus'

'and this married couple I know,
pretty close friends'

'came by to make dinner for me''

Well, they could hardly wait
to finish the meal.

In the middle of the jello, they
wanted me to watch them screw.

In the middle of the jello?

I was sitting right here
with a temperature of 101

and they took off their clothes

and went at it,
right there on the rug.

You know what they wanted me
to do while they were making it?

Wait a minute. Don't tell me.
Let me guess.

There was this banana
in a fruit bowl

and they wanted me to,
you know, eat it..

...while I was watching them.

For the arcane symbolism,
no doubt.

- The what?
- Nothing.

'Tell me, uh..'

Do you, uh...do this kind of
thing more or less, uh..

...just for fun?

What kind of a question is that?

I'm a fashion model.

What kind of a shit-eating
remark is that supposed to be?

Are you another one of those
heartless bastards?

Don't you think I have feelings?

I'm so-sorry.

Please...forgive me.

[sobbing]

Come on now, baby.

Come on.

I didn't mean anything.

Please.

Look..

...I lied to you just now.

Incase you're interested,
I lied to you.

What the hell did I lie for?
What do I care what you think?

I-I-I don't know what you are..

I mean, they didn't wanna screw
on the floor in front of me.

They wanted to go home.

It was my idea.

So was the banana.

(Alex)
Doctor, did I need any more
evidence that this girl

was to say the least
a little bit...different?

Most men in their right minds
would've gotten out of her life

right then and there
and counted their blessings.

But you gotta understand,
she was the star

of every pornographic film
I had ever made in my head

since I first laid
a hand on my joint.

Just as I was the figure
who'd dwelled at the heart

of her dreams,
so it turned out.

The kind of man who would be
good to a wife and children

who would feast on her body
and then come slithering up

to talk a lot
and explain things.

Advise her what books
to read and how to vote.

Make judgments on just
about everything.

But why should it be that
I earn as much in one hour

posing in a girdle as my
illiterate old man used to make

in a week in the mines.

Because Monkey dear

the output of one
West Virginia coal miner

has far less influence
on the national economy

than your delicious body
in Vogue or Harpers Bazaar.

You know something, Breaky?

- You're brilliant.
- I'm not brilliant.

And stop calling me
Breaky.

But you are my Breaky.
My breakthrough.

That's what I told my shrink,
Dr. Morris Q. Frankel, M.D.

God, when I think of all
the time I spent thrashing

on that couch of his.

Say something to me,
doctor, anything.

Tell me why I'm always involved
with such cold-hearted shits

instead of with men.

And he'd sit there like dead.

- Maybe he is.
- No, I know he's alive.

I mean who ever heard of a dead
man with an answering service.

So, what did Harper say
when you told him

I was your breakthrough?
Christ, what a word!

Well, he didn't say yes, but
then he didn't say no, either.

- But he did cough.
- 'Ah-ha!'

Sometimes he coughs,
sometimes he grunts.

Sometimes he belches.

- Sometimes he even farts.
- 'How did you know that?'

Negative transference reaction
of an orthodox Freudian.

Incidentally, what startled you
when the true confessions came?

Did you hear me?

I don't know.

Yes, I do. It was a couple
of years after my divorce.

I tried to kill myself a little.

That's nice.

I made a pass at
my wrist with a razor

at the padre of El Morocco.

Something dumb, unimportant
that my boyfriend said to me.

Which do you wanna
tell me about first?

- The boyfriend or the husband?
- Neither.

I didn't give you that choice.

Okay. My husband. Jacques.

Can you believe it?

French, 50, filthy rich

and as it later turned out,
just plain filthy.

I was modeling in a show
"The Pitti Palace in Florence"

'I don't know what
he was doing there.'

'He manufactures ball bearings
or something.'

'Probably looking
for someone just like me.'

Aren't we all?

Anyway, he found me.

And inside of a week,
he knocked me over completely.

Wedding bells and all,
took me back to Paris.

Guess the only reason I stuck
with him as long as I did

was I must have felt sorry
for the poor bastard.

Our marriage, all 14 months of
it. It's kinda like hilarious.

If you're pretty good at
laughing while throwing up.

You wanna hear
our groovy sex life?

'Me, in bed beside him
while he's jerking off'

'into a copy of a magazine
called Carter Belt.'

'Flown over,
direct from 42nd Street.'

What'd you expect him to use,
The Atlantic Monthly?

So, how come you're in
such a good mood lately?

- Who's in a good mood?
- 'You.'

'You haven't been Mr. Hot Under
The Collar for five weeks.'

- 'I've been counting.'
- Must be the weather.

'You want me to tell you
what it is?'

No, but you're going to anyway.

'It's a girl. That's what it is.
With long hair, long legs.'

You've been going to
that fortune teller again.

Save the smart remarks
for Channel 13

and tell us about her.

Who?

'The one Pearly Ellenstein
saw you with.'

- 'She was shopping for girdle''
- She could use one herself.

The one you were kissing
in daylight on 57th Street

and 6th Avenue when
Tessy Burlinger was getting

on the bus and almost
tripped on the steps.

That'll teach her to
keep her eyes in place.

- So?
- So, congratulations.

I hope you and the CIA
are very happy together.

- That's no answer!
- Okay, okay.

I wanted to save you the crying
wailing, moaning and groaning.

I'm going with a girl.
A shiksa!

What's so new about that?

In your life did you ever
go with a Jewish girl?

When I was 12 years old I walked
a girl named Irene to school.

- And it killed you, didn't it?
- Jack, please, your stomach.

- So, you like this girl?
- I like a lot of girls.

- And she likes the Jews?
- One. Me.

You think maybe she'd like
your mother and father?

How do I know?
Why shouldn't she?

You think maybe
she'd like to meet us?

I'll ask her sometime. Okay?

Yes, okay!
This I wanna see.

They'll put it down
in the history books.

Ask her the next time, you take
her to some motel for the night.

It's not a motel.
It's not for the night.

It's an inn, in Vermont.

And it's for the weekend,
this coming weekend.

Plum, darling,
light of the world.

Think about what you're doing.
Don't give yourself away cheap.

You must be careful
of your life.

- Listen to what we're saying.
- Who can help listening?

Without the scowl, thank you.
And the brilliant back talk!

We know we have lived,
we've seen it.

It doesn't work my plum. They're
another breed of human being.

Jack, tell him.

Don't throw away a brilliant
future on a blondie, please.

She'll take you for your worth,
leave you bleeding in a gutter.

A brilliant baby boy like you.

She'll eat you alive.

[classical music]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

Hey. Nice.

That's what all the girls say.

Better slip one of your rings
on to the appropriate finger.

- You're a married woman here.
- Thought you'd never ask me.

I reserved the room for us in
the name of Mr. and Mrs. Mandel.

- Who he?
- A hero out of my North past.

Being in public life,
I have to be discreet.

Just as long as you
make up for it in private.

Hi.

'Good afternoon.'

- I hate to interrupt.
- Oh, yes, that was, uh..

Mr. and Mrs. Arnold Mandel.

Uh, yes, 22.

- Arnold.
- 'Yes, dear.'

We simply must take back some
maple syrup for Mother Mandel.

Yes. She loves to pour it
on my knishes.

'What an intriguing idea!'

Let's go to bed now, Arnold
and take a nice long nap.

Anything you'd like, dear.

- No phone calls, please.
- 'No phone calls.'

And would you please have
a bottle of maple syrup

sent to our room immediately?

[crickets chirping]

Oh, I just can't
get enough of you.

I'm very unsatisfying.

Am I a nymphomaniac?

Or is it the wedding ring?

I thought maybe it was
the illicitness of an inn.

Oh, it's something.
I feel so..

I feel so crazy.

And so tender.

So wildly tender with you.

Strange.

- What?
- Me too.

Oh, my baby.

I keep thinking I'm gonna cry.

[laughs]

My monkey.

- And I'm so happy.
- Me too.

Have you ever felt
like this before?

Never.

Never. It's scary.

What do we do?

Not talk it away.

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

(Mary)
'Sleeping?'

(Alex)
'Uh-uh.'

(Mary)
'Thinking?'

(Alex)
'Uh-uh.'

What?

Feeling.

Too much feeling.

- Poor frightened baby.
- Some baby.

Hey, I-I know a poem
and I'm going to recite it.

Oh! Not now.
I don't understand poems.

You'll understand this one.
It's about fucking.

- A swan fucks a beautiful girl.
- Oh! Goody!

But it's a serious poem.

Recite the dirty poem, Portnoy.

"A sudden blow,
the great wings beating still."

"Above the staggering girl,
her thighs caressed."

"By the dark webs,
her nape caught in his bill."

"He holds her helpless breast
upon his breast.

Hmm, where did you learn
something like that?

- Sshh, sshh, there's more.
- Hmm.

"How can those terrified
vague fingers push

the feathered glory
from her loosening thighs?"

Hey, thighs.

"And how can body,
laid in that white rush

but feel the strange heart
beating where it lies?"

"A shudder in the loins
engenders there."

Yeah, shuddering loins.

"The broken wall,
the burning roof and tower

and Agamemnon dead."

"Being so caught up, so mastered
by the brute blood of the air."

"Did she put on his knowledge
with his power

before the indifferent beak
could let her drop?"

Oh!

That's it.

Feel...feel what
it did to me.

[laughing]

Sweetheart,
you understood the poem.

Do you mean it?

I'm with my favorite
part of you, no less.

Oh, my breakthrough baby.

You're turning me into a genius.

Oh, baby darling, take me.
Take every educated part of me.

[chuckles]

[water dripping]

You know something?

My little Virginia is so sore,
it can hardly breathe.

Poor little Virginia.

Hey, you know what,
let's do tonight?

Let's eat a big dinner, a lot
of wine and chocolate mousse

and then come up here and get
into our 200-year-old bed

and not screw.

Just be close.

How're you doing, Arn?

I don't know.

This is fun, isn't it?
Kind of like being 80.

Or eight.

Goodnight, again.

Goodnight.

Mrs. Mandel?

Hmm?

I've got something to show you.

What?

Look.

What?

This.

Oh, no, Arnold! No!

Yes, Arnold! Yes!

Please, I'm saving myself
for my husband.

That don't mean nothing
to a swan lady.

Please, please, do unhand me.

Oh, feel my feather.

A Jewish swan.

I said, my feather,
not my nose.

Alex! Alex, your nose!
The indifferent beak.

I just understood
the poem again, didn't I?

Oh, Christ.
You are a marvelous girl.

Oh...am I?

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Now can I do it?

Oh, sweetheart, darling,
do anything you want to me.

Only, please be kind
to little Virginia.

[engine revving]

- You know something?
- Hmm?

I don't think
I hate you anymore.

I'll see what I can
do about it.

Please, don't.

Alright.

Wouldn't it be nice not to have
to go back to that goddamn city?

Mm-hmm.

Wouldn't it be nice
to live in the country?

Mm-hmm.

[sighs]

Have a lot of simple chores
and just go around all day

doing 'em, not even think
of them as chores.

Mm-hmm.

[clicks tongue]

Wouldn't it be nice to just
not think about yourself?

For whole weeks at a stretch.

Wear old clothes and be yourself

and not have to come on smartass
and tough all the time.

Wouldn't it be kinda
marvelous some day to..

...settle down in the country?

With somebody you really liked.

Wouldn't that be something?

- Alex.
- Uh-huh?

What are you thinking?

Nothing, I don't know,
nothing.

Oh, fuck the country.

[music on radio]

[humming]

[music continues]

(Alex)
Doctor, was it out of guilt,
I invited her three weeks later

to go with me to the Mayor's
formal dinner party?

[car horn beeping]

[jazz music]

Hello?

Monkey?

[music continues]

Mary Jane.

[running water]

-'Is that you darling?'
- Yes, it is.

'Come on in.
The water's fine.'

Listen, do you realise
how late we're going to be?

Why aren't you ready?

How about calling the Mayor and
telling him to hold everything?

- Your apartment door was open.
- Oh, again?

Did it ever occur to you anybody
could come in here like I did?

Why would anyone wanna do that?
All my money's in the bank.

That's not a satisfactory
reply and please hurry.

Fix yourself a drink.

Better make it a big one.

[sighs]

'I'll be ready in like a jiffy''

Tch. Like crazy, like a cougar.
Like, yeah man.

"Dear Willa, polish the floor
by bathroom please

and don't forget the insies
of windows. Mary Jane R."

Huh! P-L-E-Z-E?

Forget! For Christ's sake!
F-U-R!

Jesus.

'Hi.'

Just little ol' me.

You know you're kinda
beautiful in a tux.

Thanks.

Don't suppose I'd have
time for a drink.

- Uh-uh.
- No, better not.

Hard enough to know how
to talk to a mayor cold sober.

Real honest to God, Mayor.
Mary Jane Reid..

...if only the folks back
home could see you now.

I thought you were
in such a goddamn hurry.

Yeah.

- Okay, what's bugging you, Max?
- 'Nothing.'

- You hate the way I look.
- Don't be ridiculous.

Driver, Peck & Peck.

Shut up. Gracie Mansion, driver.

I'm getting radiation poisoning,
from what your giving off.

I'm not giving off shit.
I've said nothing.

You got those black heeb eyes.
Man, they say it for you.

- Relax.
- You relax.

I am.

Only for Christ's sake, don't
say "cunt" to the Mayor's wife.

- What?
- You heard me.

When we get there
don't start talking

about your favorite positions,
to whoever opens the door.

Don't make a grab
for big John's schlong

until we've been there
at least an hour. Okay?

I'll say and do,
and wear anything I want.

This is a free country,
you up-uptight Jewish prick!

[tires screech]

'...you nazi bitch.'

Monkey! Come on! Honey!

Mary Jane. Come on.
Come on, come on.

- Jesus!
- A week now..

Ever since Vermont,
picking on me all the time.

- Stop it! Don't do this!
- It's the way you look at me.

- You pick on me!
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

- You're not listening to me!
- I'm listening to you!

Keep your voice down,
I'll listen to you.

I opened the door at night,
I'm so dying to see you--

- We'll be late.
- You have those fucking eyes.

- Picking all the wrongs in me.
- Let's go!

- Listen to me!
- I'm listening!

I'm not insecure enough to get
that expression on your face

- the minute I open my mouth.
- You're right. It's my fault.

I mean, I can't give you the
time of day, without that look.

"Oh, shit. Here comes another
dumb and stupid remark

out of that brainless twat."
Well, I'm not brainless.

- Right.
- And I'm not a twat, either.

Right.

Just 'cause I didn't
go to big deal Havard.

And don't gimme any more
of your shit about behaving

in front of your-
your goddamn Mayor and his wife.

Just who the hell is he?
A lousy stinking Mayor.

Quiet!

You forget, I was married to one
of the richest men in France.

- Come on!
- I was still 18 years old.

Stop acting like
a child will you?

I was a guest
at Ali Khan's for dinner

when you were still
back in New York, New Jersery..

...finger fucking
your little Jewish girlfriend.

They weren't Jewish.

[ballroom music in distance]

This is your idea
of a love affair?

You treat a woman
like a leper?

Of course not, honey.
I told you I was sorry.

Now, will you listen to me?

I love you, Alex.
I worship and adore you.

So, don't put me down
anymore, please.

'Cause I just can't
take it anymore.

I don't mean to put you down.
I swear, I don't.

Hey, what are you-
what are you doing?

- 'I want to.'
- No.

- 'Yes.'
- Here?

- 'Yes.'
- Monkey, no-no.

There are plainclothesman
all over the place tonight.

'They'll haul us in creating
a public nuisance.'

'Oh, you terrible, don't stop''

'Oh, Monkey, what a terrible
thing to do'

'to the Mayor of New York.'

(Alex)
'I don't know, Spielvogel,
you tell me.'

'Maybe this wasn't
a love affair.'

Maybe it was just what's
called an honest mistake.

Who the hell knows?
Maybe you do.

All I know is, when it came
time for my summer vacation

I couldn't wait to invite her
to go along with me to Europe.

[speaking foreign language]

[Italian music]

- Not bad, huh?
- I've seen better.

Like that blonde buying
the tiara in Bulgari?

Hey.

Or Countess...whatever the hell
her name was.

The one with the gorgeous bust
at Gore Vidal's party?

- You don't miss a thing do you?
- I try not to.

Can I ask you a very
personal question?

If you hold my hand or my leg.

- Are you loaded?
- I think so.

- Me too.
- Want another?

I don't need one.

By the way,
that wasn't the question.

You like girls?

- Is that the question?
- Aha.

- Do you dig men?
- Never.

- Notice I answered, you didn't.
- Jesus, you're almost exciting.

And as for you, I've never seen
one city make one man so horny.

You're not gonna answer, right?

You want me to say yes, so you'd
pick one up and say it's for me.

- For you.
- For us, then.

- You've been hinting at it.
- You have.

Even before we got to Europe,
that stewardess of Pan Am?

I only said she had great legs

you were the one who started
speculating or fantacizing

what she'd be like
in bed with us.

What are you trying to do, Alex?

Did you ever make up
your mind about it?

Spectacular. I think
I'll have that drink now.

You sure that's all you want?

All I want is
to please you, darling.

I want you to be so damn happy
with me that you burst from it.

I'll do anything to make you
happy. Anything you want.

- Like another woman in our bed?
- If that's what you wanted?

Like tonight, like right now,
is that what you want, Monkey?

- Right now?
- Only for you. Anything.

- You know what you're saying?
- Yes, yes, I love you, Breaky.

Pay the check.
Let's get the hell outta here.

[cars honking]

There's one over there.

Forget it.

Her or the whole idea?

[engine revving]

[women speaking
foreign language]

Should I stop?

- Do what you feel like.
- I feel like you.

- Hi, there!
- You have a girl.

What do you want with us?

[speaking foreign language]

Wait a minute, you don't
understand we want one--

[honking]

[man shouting foreign language]

Alright! Alright!

Hey. Hey, now listen.
Will you listen to me?

Go take your wife to a movie.

[women chattering
in foreign language]

[speaking Italian]

I see some of that hi-fashioned
Italian of yours do something.

- What do you want me to say?
- I'm just along for the ride.

[speaking foreign language]

Jesus!

[foreign language continues]

Okay.

You gotta be kidding.

If I'm kidding, what's
that bulge in your trousers?

A chocolate eclair?

[tires screeching]

[laughing]

- 'Oh, oh, this is interesting''
- 'Isn't it?'

- 'Oh, absolutely, fascinating''
- 'Oh, I thought you'd like it''

'Oh, if only my mother
could see me now.'

(Mary Jane)
'I'm having trouble
seeing you myself.'

- 'Oh, here I am. Under here.'
- 'Oh, I thought this was you''

(Alex)
'Oh, hello there.'

'And who's little girl are you''

'You think this act could ever
make it on educational TV?'

- Do you mind if I sorta this?
- Oh.

- 'This's you?'
- 'Can't you tell?'

Oh, it's a foot!

Well, what's the difference.

You go there,
I'll go here, okay?

- Oh, oh, careful.
- Oh, oh.

(Alex)
'Oh, this is interesting.'

[speaking foreign language]

'I want a head down here.
Will you, sweetie?'

Oh, you'll have to wait.
She's engaged.

She's engaged
to use his puumala!

Or was it pums?

'I wish you like boy.'

Oh, boy, I've never
been so busy.

- 'There's so much to do.'
- Don't stop.

[knocking on door]

- Who is it?
- 'It's the night maid.'

Go away. I got all I can handle.

[jazz music]

[Alex groaning]

[groaning intensifies]

[coughing]

'Okay, mother.
You're happy now, mother?'

'I was having too much good,
clean, dirty fun. Huh, Sophie''

[panting]

[speaking foreign language]

Want a drink?

No good bastard.

Me?

Making me do
a thing like that.

- Me?
- Yes, you.

You're the one who stuck
your hand between her legs

and got the ball rolling. You
kissed her on the goddamn lips.

Because if I'm gonna do
something, then like I do it.

But that doesn't mean I want to.

Come on now. Come on.

- I did it for you.
- Oh.

Yes!

And now you hate me for it.

Christ! There are times when
you make absolutely no sense

at all and this is one of them.

You don't like it,
why don't you leave me?

You got what you wanted tonight,
what you've always wanted.

Now, you can leave.

Maybe I will.

To you, I'm just another
her anyway.

You with all your big words
and your big shit holy ideals.

And all I am in your eyes
is just a lesbian and a whore!

- I called you that?
- You don't have to say it.

Is that why I brought you
along to Europe with me?

I don't know. Why did you bring
me along to Europe with you?

Because I thought we could
love each other.

Oh, bullshit!

And maybe get closer and
closer together like we were.

In Vermont, if it was just
the two of us surrounded

by foreign languages and
strangers and I don't know!

I don't know! Maybe it's because
I'm a fucked up neurotic Jew!

That's why I brought
you along with me!

- Alex.
- What is it?

Marry me.

Please.

Tomorrow.

Well, but Monkey honey.
Tomorrow is Sunday.

We go to Athens.

[dramatic music]

I want a child too.

And a home.

And a husband.

I'll be 30 years old in January.

I remember, the night lesbian
you took me up to the Bronx

equal opportunity night
or something.

In Spanish, you spoke to all
those poor Puerto Ricans

and oh, I was so impressed.

Tell me about
your bad sanitation.

Tell me about
your rats and your vermin.

Tell me about
your police brutality

and that pathetic
old man shouting

"Yes, but who'll
stand up for us?"

And you said, "I will. I stand
for each and every one of you."

'God, what a fake.'

'What a hypocrite and a phoney''

Big man to a lot
of pitiful spics.

But I know the truth about you.

I know the truth
about you, Alex.

You make women
sleep with whores.

I don't make anybody do
anything they don't wanna do.

"Commissioner
of human opportunity."

How you love that word, human?
I'll teach you what it means.

Pull this car over,
I'm getting out.

Sorry, no.

I'm gonna find a phone booth,
I'm gonna expose you--

Stop it! Enough!
Oh God, how I hate all this.

And I thought you were
the decent one.

- I'm gonna miss my plane!
- You're not gonna leave me

stranded here in goddamn
Athens, Greece.

There's money
and a plane ticket to New York.

- What's so stranded about that?
- But I wanna go with you.

You've already gone
with me much too far.

To please you!

[telephone ringing]

Yes.

It's a lady and she's talking
in a loud voice

which is only a little
less irritating

than those bouzouki players
of yours in that dining room.

So if your guests
don't like it

tell them to move
to another hotel.

I'm warning you, Alex.
I mean it.

You go out that door
and I'll jump.

Baby, please, don't
talk like that.

Somebody's going to hear
you and believe you.

I mean every word of it,
if you don't marry me.

Marry me, you son of a bitch
or I'll jump.

Go ahead.
You wanna jump? Jump.

Alex!

[plane engine revving]

Alex!

Alex!

[revving intensifies]

Alex!

(flight crew)
'Ladies and gentleman,
we land in ten minutes.'

'Please fasten your seat belt
and no smoking.'

Your seat belt, sir.

(Alex)
What am I doing running
away like this

like a criminal and to Israel.

I refuse to let that bitch
make me feel guilty.

If she's killed herself...
Nah. Never.

Uh...your seat belt, sir.

[intense music]

Alex!

[music continues]

My parents came here
from Philadelphia

when this was still Palestine
and decided to stay.

I was born on their cabots,
I grew up there.

After my service in the army, I
joined the commune of Israelis.

We live in the mountains
overlooking the Syrian border.

Working to clear away
the black volcanic rock

and make the barren
ground fertile.

Tell me are you in
a hurry to get to Haifa?

Not really, I'm on a one week
vacation from the commune.

I plan to come path at night
in my sleeping bag

where ever I happen to be.

I see.

Suggestion. This afternoon
you show me the catacombs

and the Wall city of Echo.

And tonight, I'll show
you a fine dinner.

Yes. That could be quite
rewarding for me

but only if you relate personal
details of your life in America.

I'm most interested in finding
out how the Jewish male

exists in the United States,
today.

I'll be happy to give you
all the gory details.

- Then you'll have to reward me.
- I do?

Just say you'll have a drink at
my hotel in Haifa after dinner.

If it will help me to understand
you better, Mr. Portnoy.

Oh, I think it will, Naomi.

I can practically guarantee it.

[theme music]

(Naomi)
'Possessions, money, property''

On such corrupt standards
as these

you American people measure
happiness and success.

One great segment of your
population are deprived

of the minimal requirements
for a decent life.

Is this not true?
You cannot deny it.

Whatever you say.

Your society, not only sanctions

gross and unfair competition
among men,it actually stimulates

and encourages
at rivalry, envy, jealousy.

All that is malignant
in the human character

is nourished by
the American system.

This is indisputable,
you cannot help but agree

- if you are at all honest.
- Oh, I am, Naomi! I am!

I think I've spoken many truth
to you today, Mr. Portnoy.

'The American system
is inherently unjust.'

'And your job is to make it
appear legitimate and moral'

by putting a pretentious title
on your office door and acting

as though human opportunity
and human dignity

could actually exist
in that society

when obviously no such
thing is possible.

- Naomi, I love you.
- What?

- I love you!
- What are you talking about?

How can you love me?
You hardly know me.

Take me back up
that mountain with you.

I want your simplicity.
Oh, I want your Hell!

Is this another one
of those twisted attempts

at self-mocking I've been
hearing from you all day.

No, no, I want you to give me
a new life, starting right now.

You've had too much
to drink tonight.

- No, no, I really mean it.
- It's late, I must go.

No. Why sleep on a clammy
beach somewhere

when I have this big comfortable
bed for the two of us to share?

Me, in that bed?

I'm not trying to convert you.

If the bed is too luxurious,
we'll do it on the floor.

- Sexual intercourse with you?
- Yes, yes, with me.

Fresh from my inherently
injust system. With me?

You are the most unhappy man
I've ever known.

Childish and without respect
for yourself or anyone.

'Tell me more.'

And you're obviously
a person of intelligence.

Which makes your infantile
attitude even more distasteful.

Beautifully stated.
Now, let's fuck.

- You are disgusting.
- And I can prove it.

You are nothing
but a self-hating Jew.

They're the best kind in bed.

- Pig. Let me out!
- Right.

I'll show you what a schlong is.
I'll show you a pig.

- Let me go!
- Disgusting, yes.

And also pretty goddamn tired.

I've never been good enough
for the chosen people.

- Get your hands--
- Oh, what I'm gonna do to you?

You, sanctimonious bitch.

- You are crazy.
- No, oh no, very smart.

You've gotta lesson to learn.
And I'm gonna give it to you.

Lunatic! Insane!

This is what it's like,
in the outside world.

- My self-righteous love.
- Argh!

Coward!

Spread your chalk,
you overbearing peasant.

Because I'm going to fuck you.
I'm going to tear you apart.

I'm, I'm going to, umm..

[gasping]

Are you satisfied, Pop?

I finally went
with a Jewish girl

and now I can't get it up
in the state of Israel.

It's not this country,
or any country, Mr. Portnoy.

It's you, as a man.
You're a failure in everything.

'Go home and weep for yourself''

Yeah. Well, I still got a mouth
I could use on you.

You degenerate!

(Alex)
In Israel, I die.

Die.

Die.

(male)
'Alexander Portnoy for degrading
the humanity of Mary Jane Reid''

Oh God, the Monkey's revenge.

(male)
'And for other crimes
too numerous to mention'

'involving the exploitation
of her body.'

'You are hereby sentenced
except for the palm'

'of your own hand, to a terrible
case of impotence.'

'Go find another way
to hurt a person.'

But Your Honor, she was of age.

After all, a consenting adult.

'Don't bullshit me
with legalisms, Portnoy.'

'You knew right from wrong.'

'Hence, you are justly
sentenced to a limp dick.'

So what was the big crime
in loving a saucy girl?

'Loving? You?
Self-loving, Portnoy.'

'That's how I spell it.
With a capital Self.'

'Your heart
is an empty refrigerator.'

Not true.

Not true!

With her, it was more.
It was different.

'What you did with that girl,
disgusting!'

'Love, spelled lust,
spelled self.'

No.

Sexual feelings, yes.

But together was such
wonderful tender feelings, too.

For the first and only time in
my life, especially in Vermont.

- 'In the prick, sure.'
- No!

'Yes! That's the only part
you've ever had any feeling i''

'in your whole life,
you narcissist.'

No.

No.

Please, Your Honour,
listen to me.

What, after all was I doing
but trying to have..

Well, if you don't believe love,
what then, a little fun.

- That's all.
- 'Oh, you son of a bitch!'

Well, why dammit can't
I have some fun?

Why is everything I do for
pleasure in this life illicit?

While the rest of the world
rolls laughing in the bud.

It makes me wanna scream.

[sobbing]

This ridiculous,
disproportion of the guilt.

May I scream?

(male)
'Portnoy, this is the police.
You're surrounded.'

(mother)
'Alex, my baby. This is your
mother. Give yourself up.'

(male)
'Come out and pay your debt
to society, Portnoy.'

'Or else, we're coming
after you guns blazing.'

Run society's ass. Cover!

[rapid gunfire]

Aaah!

[machine whirring]

[sobbing]

[classical music]

See you tomorrow.

[music continues]

[music continues]