Pornology (2017) - full transcript

Come on, it's just a word.

Say it, already.

Alright, you got this.

I want your hot, throbbing...

Ugh.

Uh-uh. No. Gross.

And painful.

Who would ask for hot,
throbbing anything?

Throbbing is what happens
to your finger

when you slam it
in the car door.

I want it now.



Your hot, throbbing...

Ok.

Give it to me.

And by "it", I mean I want
your hot, throbbing... nope!

No!

Not at all convincing!

God, Luce, it's a word.

It's a word,
just say it already.

Alright.

I want your hot, throbbing...

For the love of god!

Cock! Cock! Cock!

Cock! Cock!

Cock!



Oh... um, my friend has this
farm and there's this rooster.

Troublemaker.

Alright.

Well, that is a... sentence
that's just never gonna happen.

Wait, what's he doing
with his hand?

That actually feels good.

So that was an accident.

You're so... good to me.

Hey.

Hmm?

Are we good?

Yeah.

You like that?

Ok. Good.

Ok, sexy thoughts.

A cabana on a hot,
tropical beach.

I'm getting a massage,

which suddenly turns into
spontaneous, unbridled sex.

With Steve Carell.

Only like in his newer movies,
with silver hair.

Yes!

Yes!

I'm coming!

Yes!

Wheat-free waffles!

Shit, did I just say
that out loud?

Huh?

Sorry.

Just a second.

That was what I forgot
at the store.

I couldn't remember all day.

No, no, no, no.

It's good.

My mind is completely free.

I'm ready now.

Yeah... I don't think you are.

We should get a ceiling fan.

Hey, what're you doing?

No-don't mess up my lists.

Why?

It's not like you ever finish
any of them.

That is not true.

Just because you're
angry, don't-

Ok, look.

Most women, during sex,
you know,

they say things like...

I don't-like, "yes, yes,
give it to me good".

Who says that?

People.

People who you know?

You honestly want me
to yell out,

"Yes, yes, give it to me good"?

Well, it would be better
than "wheat-free waffles".

Why don't you just admit
that you're not into sex?

I'm so not not into sex.

You didn't even take off
your pyjamas!

Yeah, well, they're comfortable!

What're you doing?

You gotta
be kidding me.

I have work to do.

I'm on a deadline.

You work in the garage, alright?

Testing video games!

Don't judge me.

Sorry, Mr. Bach.

I need something with
a little more spirit.

Great.

Where is my cord?

Oh my god, he's a regular.

Don't stop!

Oh my-oh my... that
is a lot of vagina.

Yes, yes, give it to me good!

Oh my god, did she really
just say that?

Thank you, sweetie.

I thought you were evolved.

We met at a film festival,
for god's sake!

What're you talking about?

What I'm talking about is that.

What is that?

I don't know, a girl?

No.

I'm a girl.

That is a vixen.

Whatever.

Excuse me?

What, I'm not enough?

Look, ok, yeah.

I'm sorry you're upset,
but you kinda have this,

like, irrational fear of
intimacy or anything

that can't be put on a list.

You are talking sensuality to me
as you are sitting there

hacking heads off?

Oh, is this funny to you?

Really?

Since when are you
a porn person?

Well, I'm a guy,
so since always.

Oh, see, that's bullshit.

I just got killed
by crossfire again.

How are you being so
nonchalant about this?

In this day in age,

when women are finally
standing up to men

who use sex as a tool
of oppression, you're-

Woah, woah,
woah, woah, woah!

I'm not oppressing anyone, ok?

They put it out there,
guys pay for it, and girls,

everyone's happy.

Have... have you ever watched
a porn film?

I think I just saw plenty,

and I hardly think
that the word film applies,

not when it degrades
the entire female species.

Yeah, see, I don't think so.

I think it's just a business.

Oh.

Oh, ok. I see.

So it's just a collection of
highly-skilled workers

providing a service.

Yeah, exactly.

And the best are banking
millions and the rest are

compensated really well
for their... artistry.

Artistry?

Yeah.

Mmmhmm. Yeah. Yes.

It's uh, it's kinda like you
with your violin.

Right?

Is it so hard for you
to understand that,

you know, this is how some
people express themselves?

What I can't believe is that
you are attempting

to draw a parallel
between what I do and this.

That's because
you're pornophobic.

That's not even a word.

You know, how uptight you are,

it's kinda like your
whole life problem.

No, even words are
too much for you.

We're done.

Wait, no, we're not done.

Lucy.

Come here.

Ow, Jesus. Come on.

Ugh.

Lucy, come back.

Hey! Wait!

Just try saying something racy.

Like what?

Like, I don't know,
like... use

"hot, throbbing cock"
convincingly in a sentence.

Why would anyone do that?

And by the way, since when
do we spy on each other?

I mean, spying?

That's not cool.

I wasn't spying!

And I don't know
who you are anymore.

Yeah, well I don't know
you worse!

Well, I'm not gonna compete
with all of that.

So... so you need to decide.

It's me or the porn!

Really?

That's what you consider
an essential item?

He's autographed.

Come on, bud.

Don't-don't crease
and don't break.

Alright, it's just
you and me now.

I hope you get that stick
out of your ass!

Why?

So you can use it
on yourself?!

Hi, Mr. Glassell.

Good morning.

It was.

Where are you?

You're late.

You're never late.

I'm worried.

Should I be worried?

I'm coming.

Sorry.

Ok, so sorry.

Where have you been?

The bride's about
to start trotting up.

Sorry.

A bride on a horse.

What could go wrong?

Play.

Hello there, Mr. Best Man.

Oh, no, that's actually
my friend Grant.

I think he's just a groomsman.

Matrimony.

The commemoration of
an unshakable bond.

Oh, dear me.

Oh my-oh my god.

Yeah, no, this wedding
is awesome.

That could not
have been the plan.

Oh gosh.

Is that horse poo?

God, it smells.

Pretend it's not there.

Oh, she's gonna remember
this day, isn't she?

You wanted the horse, ok?

Well, if she cancels she still
has to pay us, right?

Yes, especially because it was
Grant who referred us

for the job.

I just-I'm sorry, I can't get
over how he is so good-looking

and you never told me about him.

You don't date actual adults.

Kale?

He's an adult.

He picks you up on a skateboard.

It's ok, everyone.

I'm ok.

Why are you giving my dude
such a hard

time when this one over here,

she's sleeping on Captain
America sheets.

Lucy, are you alright?

Are you crying?

I was just kidding.

Yeah, it was just a joke
about the sheets.

Jeff left me.

He moved out.

Are you ok?

I'm so sorry, Luce,
that's terrible.

Ok, now.

Where were we?

We're going to get married now.

Yeah.

I don't know,
it's all such a blur.

Actually, no.

It started while
we were having sex, and-

Ok.

Is that why you guys fought?

I remembered an item
off of my grocery list, so-

Oh, honey.

How do you expect to survive
marriage week after week,

year after year?

Sex with the same person in
the same order for 27 years.

Well, until you find yourself
one day dressing up for the guy

who sprays for bugs.

Well, how do you expect
to survive all that

if you can't focus now?

I might have focus issues
but he is into porn, alright?

It's disgusting!

It was all over his computer,
he is totally-

A man?

All men look at dirty pictures,
married or not.

It's-it's how they maintain
their vigour.

Right, Paul?

Well, it's-

When men start declining
sexually by the age of 18.

Once they hit 30
it's a ski slope.

I beg your pardon.

Except for Paul.

Who is, I'm sure,
a sexual wonder.

Didn't your girlfriend leave
you for a woman, though?

Ok, easy.

Wait, does this mean
you have porn?

Hmm?

And go to strip clubs?

No, I do not go
to strip clubs.

Ever?

I have, but it's not like I do.

Do you use the internet?

Define "use".

What about prostitutes?

No, not the ones
who do it for crack.

I mean like the ones you go
to that thing in Vegas

that I've seen on HBO.

Do you know what?
I'm out.

I knew it.

Hello.

Ask me about sex.

I'm right here.

No.

Your enthusiasm is really
un-relatable.

Oh, come on.

I got this whole library
of cliterature.

You can just-

What?

Books you diddle to, babe.

Please, girl.

Tell me that you masturbate,
at least.

No.

This is not about me, alright?

This is about my
boyfriend leaving

because I think being a pervert
is really inappropriate.

I also have blindfolds,
handcuffs, vibrators...

Priscilla has them, too!

Oh, the buzz buzz,
not the rest of it.

You do?

It's called a personal massager.

I got it at Brookestone.

Really?

Oh.

Well... but you have Stanley.

Vibrators are necessary,
my dear.

Because life is short

and explaining things
to men is long.

Sex to do list.

Number one.
Watch 25 porn films.

Number two.
Go to a sex store.

Number three.
Read cliterature.

Number four.
Visit strip club.

Number five.
Sex toy party.

Number six.
Sex seminar.

Number seven.
Test vibrators.

Number eight. Internet porn,
view some.

Number nine.
Consult a sex expert.

Number 10.
Brothel, visit.

Number 11.
Meet a porn star.

Number 12...

Use "hot, throbbing cock"
convincingly in a sentence.

There.

And I can even check
the last one off right now.

For the love of god, cock!

Cock! Cock! Cock!

Cock! Cock.

I want your cock!

Well done.

Cock.

God!

Hey!

Woah!

Oh, Grant, you gotta go
check out the ballroom, man.

The bridal party's twerkin'.

Woah.

You're kidding.

Ah, ah!

Ugh!

Oh my god,
are you serious?

Hello?

I can't believe you
would do this to me.

What, Jeff?

I'm not enough for you?

Ugh!

Everything alright in there?

Coming in.

You alright, love?

You want me to get the doctor?

What?

Why-no.

What, because
I'm on the floor?

No.

No.

No, no, no.

I'm just medicating.

Tating.

Meditating.

I just heard crying
or yelling.

Chanting.

Chanting?

Yeah.

Yeah?

Just coming to check to make
sure everything's fine?

Yeah.

No, I always do like a little
chant for the gride and broom.

Before the first dance.

How do you mean?

Oh, you know,
like a chant.

Yeah, no, I don't.

Yeah, just sort of...

Close my eyes and go

Chanting...

Which obviously
means something.

Unity.

Yeah.

Yeah. It means unity
in that they're now one.

And yet they're two.

So, really it's about being
strong enough

to make one one
out of two ones.

And yet still be two.

Yeah.

Makes sense.

Totally get it.

You do?

Yeah.

It's... like a building.

It's only as strong
as its weakest pillar.

Yeah, but is that true?

Because it seems to me that
if you have enough pillars,

like say you're the Acropolis,

I think you could get away
with one crappy pillar.

Sure.

Except for earthquakes,
hurricanes, strong winds...

Aliens.

Well, we can't do much
about that.

But you make a good point.

One in which I happen
to believe in.

Uh... what-what point
is that?

Well, you can't be useful
in a two

until you figure yourself
out as a one.

Hmm.

Cocktail?

Oh, I'm fine, thanks.

Well, here's to me.

That was brilliant.

But you're right.

No time for cocktails.

The two ones must waltz
so this one one must play.

Ok.

Alrighty.

Hey.

Don't you need this?

Or you chant the waltz, too?

Sometimes.

I'm not pornophobic.

All men look at dirty pictures.

Oh, Jeff.

Yes, yes, give it to me good.

You're pornophobic.

I cannot drink her blood,
she's pornophobic.

Am I not enough?

Looks like she's suffering
from stage four pornophobia.

Say something racy.

It's a word.

Just say it already.

Pornophobic.

Jeff left me.

Pornophobic.

Today we gather here
to remember Lucy Neal,

who died alone from pornophobia.

She died in the house she
inherited from her grandmother

that she was only able to
fill with unfinished lists,

not love.

You're pornophobic!

Ok.

Sexpressions of Lust?

Please.

Madame Mischief's
Boudoir Secrets.

Maybe it's a historical fiction?

And who doesn't like secrets?

Better get one more for back-up.

Bad Sally.

That can't be right.

Oh god.

Faylene springs from the house

as Michele passionately
gives chase.

Running for her life, Michele
grabs Faylene's wrist

and twirls her until he backs
her into an erect pillar.

He could almost taste
her ruby lips

but Faylene thrusts her knee
into Michele, spins him around.

Seizing the moment,

Faylene pulls out a hidden
pistol sheathed

on her thigh and pulls it
up to his chin.

And then stops.

Michele takes one strong finger

and slowly drags
the pistol downwards.

Faylene watches in wonder
as the cold steel surrenders

to its final destination.

Michele's manhood.

Michele walks his finger across
the barrel and cocks the gun.

Faylene knows what she wants
and she decides to take it.

Whew.

Salt shaker is done.

I can check that off my list.

Hello.

We have chocolate,
mimosas, tissues, sympathy.

Wait, why do you look
so good?

Where did you get
those jeans?

No reason.

Nowhere.

And pity's not why I called.

I told you we need
When Harry Met Sally.

Mmmhmm.

You do chocolates,
I'm on cocktails.

No, really.

I'm fine.

I am.

For, I have renewed life purpose
in the form

of a research project
with which I need your help.

She said research.

She called me for research.

You're losing it.

We're doing number two and the
train is leaving in one minute.

Guys, do you think
I'm gonna need this?

Best break-up ever.

Oh god.

This is your Nissan Leaf,
this is your Mercedes C Class,

and this is the Maserati
of vibrators.

A serious piece of equipment for
only the most experienced user.

Oh.

Sold.

Using it could desensitize
you to men forever.

I'll take one.

Hey, Luce!

I found something for ya.

He doesn't say
irritating things,

he's a feminist, doesn't watch
football, or fart.

Well, none of them do at first.

Can I help you
with that cock ring?

No.

No, I got this.

I was just checking...

Sure.

Everything alright over there?

Sorry, just um...
looking for...

for a Mother's Day gift.

Oh.

You know, I was wondering
what a nice girl like you

was doing in a place
like this.

I could ask you
the same thing.

Go ahead.

What's a nice girl like you
doing in a place like this?

Oh...

Oh!

Busy day you got there.

Oh-

Uh, it's amazing
you have the time

with all the violin playing
and the chanting.

Of course you remember me.

It's not every day I run
into a beautiful girl

with such a propensity
for crouching.

Did he actually just use
the word "propensity"?

Oh hey.

Adopted this puppy.

And breakfast is ready.

And the dishes are done.

Hey, you're the best man
from the wedding

with the pooping horse?

Oh, yeah, I was just
a groomsman.

Oh, well, I'm Nessa.

I was a part of the quartet.

Oh, yeah. You guys
were great.

Thank you.

I play the cello.

Um, yeah.

It's, you know, the big one
between your legs?

Lucy over here,
she plays the violin.

So it's Lucy, is it?

So fancy meeting you here.

What're you doing?

Oh yeah, um, good question.

I'm looking for a Mother's
Day gift.

Oh, really?

Me too.

I mean, I would never be here
for myself.

Or would I?

Nessa.

Uh, I'm actually
an architect.

Paul Goodwin works at my firm.

Right.

Yeah, I vaguely remember him
mentioning something like that.

I'm ah, working on
a job upstairs

to reconfigure
the office space.

Oh.

Not nearly as interesting as
what's going on on that list.

Oh, no.

This is purely a
research project.

Yeah, honestly
I can't help it.

I went to Harvard
so I'm research-y.

Actually, that's where
I met Paul.

Really?

You're using the H-bomb
on the best man?

I just can't.

I'm gonna go talk
to Priscilla.

And wha the hell is up
with your lips, girl?

I'm Grant.

Who works here?

Did I hear you say you
work here?

Why, yes he does.

So does she.

I just wanna find out
if this works.

Actually, sir, I am very
familiar with this product.

It's one of my favourites.

In fact, I've got it on
right now.

What do you mean,
you're wearing it now?

On what?

On my lips.

You put it on your lips?

Uh, Luce, I don't think you put
erection cream on your lips.

Oh my god.

Oh.

Excuse me?

Do these come in extra large?

Got you some ice
from the cafe.

Thanks.

Yeah, I thought your lips
looked a little...

You got a chant for
this sort of thing?

Woah.

Can I have your number?

You want my number?

Yeah.

Wait, really?

I have a gig you might
be interested in playing.

That's awesome.

I'll um, I'll wait out here.

Bye.

So his dad co-chairs this annual
insurance commissioner's dinner

and he wants you and me
to walk around

and do the wandering
minstrel thing.

First the wedding
and now this?

Is he your new booking agent?

Excuse me, why not all of us?

Uh, I don't know, but you did
make it a point to tell him

that your legs are pretty
occupied while you play.

Will he be there?

He didn't say.

So, with the exception
of the H-bomb incident,

and putting erection cream
on your lips,

I'd say this was
very successful.

You had a nice conversation
with a handsome man,

we got a gig out of nowhere,
and you got Burt.

Hmm.

You know, after one week of
being broken up with Jeff

after four years of dating and I
cannot believe how great I feel.

Well, what I can't believe is
that we're actually doing this.

Alright, Jersey, how we doin'?

All six of you.

Alright, first thing's first.

I'm gonna go grab us
some drinks.

Alright, now for the sexiest
identical twins

with the hottest dance moves.

Everybody give it up
for Cherry and

♪ ...Dallas. ♪

Dallas!

Hey Wes, can I trouble you
for two beers, mate?

Pretend like you don't
know me.

Brilliant.

Did he say Cherry and Dallas?

You know, this is not
what I expected.

Shh.

Why?

Are you afraid I'm gonna
wake them up?

Oh, come on.

They're performers and
you're talking over them.

Don't be rude.

It's disrespectful.

I'm just saying.

Hi, Cynthia.

Loving the hair.

How are you doing tonight?

Hi.

Thank you.

Oh, it's a little cold
in here.

Can I-

Actually, we're totally fine.

Why don't you keep the change?

You know what?

Throw that in for good measure.

Don't embarrass me.

Embarrassment's the least
of your problems.

Ok, I need to level with you.

It's not cold in here.

It's optimal.

Get with the program.

Where are you going?

Getting with the program.

Don't do that!

Lucy, come back, please.

Hi.

Your wife didn't send me here
to spy on you,

I promise.

Don't worry.

I wonder how these girls stay
in such good shape.

Quick question for you.

Do you do pilates or...
oh, wow.

Oh, nice, Luce.

Thank you so much.

Wait a second.

She is totally thinking
about her shopping list.

Ha!

Woo!

Oh.

Ok.

I'm just gonna
see what-

She's trying to take my money!

No, I can't make change?

No, you did not.

What were you thinking?

As pleasing as her
vagina thrusts were,

it just-it was not
a $20 kind of happy.

Welcome to the Pleasure
Palace Party.

We got the dildos,
we got the vibrators,

so look around,
don't be shy.

If you wanna get to the top
of the mountain

you gotta go equipped.

Oh.

I did learn one very important
thing at the strip club.

If naked enough it
doesn't matter

if you can actually dance.

Oh, I know what these are.

People use these for meditating.

No, those are Ben-Wa balls.

50 Shades?

Book two?

Ben who?

You take two of those,
you stick 'em up your lady,

and just hold them for
a couple of hours, ok?

Wait, what?

Oh my god.

Those are for Kegel exercises.

You could do 'em in the car.

Shit, I'm doing them right now.

Experience intense natural
pleasure as each weighted ball

rolls and moves with you
to give you

a mind-blowing
internal massage.

Now, you're gonna sculpt
a banana into a penis

with your teeth.

Catch that!

Oh yeah, get that banana.

Well, I'll never look at a
banana the same way again.

And neither will Paul.

Sex toy party.

Check.

Wait, why'd you stop?

Uh, nothing.

Nothing.

I think I just... I really need
to go to the bathroom.

Oh my, well go!

It's right down there.

I don't think I can
make it that far.

Oh god.

It's gonna come out.

What is?

Not a word.

Not a word.

Uh-uh.

Ok.

Oh.

Oh!

I don't think I can bend over.

Because there's a second one?

Three.

Oh!

There are three more.

I bought two boxes.

I see.

For Kegels.

Say no more.

I need you to pick it up.

You know, I didn't think there
were limits to our friendship.

I realize it's just not true.

Oh, this is not funny.

It's not funny, ok?

I only wore these
to a work function

because I knew we would
be standing for three hours

and, you know,
I wanted to tone.

Stop!

Stop, ok?

If you make me laugh another
ball will pop out.

Oh god, I'm so...

I need help here. Please.

Ok, ok. Let's go.

What was that?

I don't know.

When I walk my legs just
sort of rub together

and I'm already so, so-

oh my god, I might-

Hallelujah?

Yeah.

Ok, we're gonna
have to risk it.

Lucy, if you do this
while holding my hand

this friendship will
never be the same.

Ladies, you look like
you're having a good night.

Some of us more than others.

Hi.

What're you doing here?

Oh, seeing my dad.

He's on the board
with the trust.

It's irrelevant.

Now I'm seeing you.

Have you met Priscilla?

No, how are you?

The leader of our quartet.

My dear friend, who always
comes to my rescue.

Oh, you need a lot of that?

No, not at all,
but even still,

she's just always waiting
for the other ball to drop.

I mean shoe.

Is it hot in here?

Yeah, it is.

Hmm.

Um, I see someone that I...

I don't see anyone.

I'm just getting
out of the way.

Are you tired?

Am I tired?

Yeah, you seem a bit
out of breath.

Mmm-mmm.

Mmm-mmm.

No, I just sort of get
that way when I play.

Oh, I get it.

You're amazing.

Sweet Jesus.

Oh, what was that?

Hmm?

That.

No, my back just gets that way
when I stand and play.

Alright.

Are you cold?

Mmmhmm.

Yeah.

Oh, let's get you moving.

Oh.

Come on.

Ah.

You ok?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Just warming up a little.

If I didn't know better,

your lips look beautifully
deflated this evening.

Women don't usually
find me funny.

It's my pleasure.

Truly.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, what was that?

What was what?

Something just hit my foot.

Is that a bird?

There's a bird?

Nope. Nope.

Sorry, my mistake.

Weird.

Anyway.

Hmm?

I was thinking...

Yeah?

If you're not too busy-

Never.

Or too hot.

Would you like to-

Yes.

Have dinner with me?

Dear god, yes!

So you call me up out of
the blue to ask me

how good you were in bed?

Mmmhmm.

Out of a percentage
out of 100.

But if you must, I will accept
a letter grade.

Did you meet someone?

What?

No.

No.

I was just wondering-

You did.

You're seeing someone.

Yeah, I am.

I'm sorry.

It's very new-

No, no.

It's a-I'm relieved, ok?

'Cause I'm... I'm also seeing
someone else, too.

You are?

Yeah.

Huh.

Wow.

Halloween.

Yeah.

Right after we broke up.

Oh, or is that how she dresses
all the time?

That's funny.

I miss your sense of humour.

Is that-I'm sorry, is that bad
for me to say

that I miss something
about you?

Uh... so, how are the-
how's your lists coming?

Oh, very well, thank you.

Yeah, after the porn thing

I made a list that's
all about sex.

And I recently went to both
a porn shop and a strip club.

What?

You-no, you're...

you're hilarious.

You see, this-you, us
being friends, this rocks.

Yeah, it's great.

Uh, but, sex with me.

How was it?

Oh, right.

Um... it was fine.

Jeff, literally choose
any letter.

Ok, uh, geez.

Uh... like A through F,
right?

Yes.

Ok.

Uh, you are a...

D.

It's in room D.

Are you sure?

It doesn't say
"sex seminar".

They're not gonna
call it that.

It's this one.

It has to be.

Come on.

Proficiency in sex is a must.

It is the universal language
of humanity.

You're tardy.

Take a seat.

Did you invite her?

No.

What could she have to learn?

To walk around speaking slang
is to be ignorant to one's self.

What're you doing here?

I just came here to do research
for you.

Number one miscommunication
slang speakers make

is to think of it as a
male-centric activity.

That is, they think about
when men intercourse

with women that it's
all about the guy.

Wrong!

Wrong!!

Wrong!

From this moment on you will
refer to sexual communication

as the gift that you will
give to only a worthy man,

from you, the soon to be
supremely empowered woman!

Oh, hit-oh wow,
you are tense.

Yeah, I don't think
smacking it

like that is part
of the technique.

Kale, he left me for someone
his own age so I'm just-

I can't deal with men right now.

Oh, Nessa, I'm so sorry.

Here.

I'm gonna help you.

Ok?

It's like we're in Ghost
and you're my Patrick Swayze.

Oh, of course you get
to be Demi Moore.

It takes a village.

Ok, so five weeks until my
audition for the Philharmonic-

I'm not getting any better,
am I?

No, you're really not.

What?

'Cause you're already a genius.

Well, it's true,
and you know it.

You just gotta get
out of there.

Did you know that the female
ferret will die if she goes

into heat and can't find
a mate?

Jeff was the rodent,
not you.

What about the best man?

Groomsman.

Hasn't he called?

You really should ask Paul
what his story is because-

No. No, he did.

We're going out on Saturday.

You are?!

Oh.

That's wonderful!

Oh.

You're at a ten.

Well, what are your plans?

I mean, you could do
a dinner cruise.

Oh, a hot air balloon.

What is with you today?

Nothing, I'm just happy
for you.

Oh... what are those?

Stan got me diamonds.

Oh my god.

Was it the seminar?

I have a sex life again
after 27 years.

Stan and I are doing it like
high school kids on prom night.

Oh, so meaning it's over
in five minutes

and you get nothing out of it.

Except a bad reputation.

Anyway, enough about me.

Why aren't you thrilled
about the best man?

I am.

I... don't you think he's
a little out of my league?

I'm not even gonna dignify
that question.

You're just afraid to get back
on the horse.

Lucy, it's like riding a bike.

Or maybe a pogo stick.

I'm just freaking out
because in my effort to be

supremely empowered I insisted
on planning the date.

And I've got nothing.

Well, if you're interested,
Stan got us two tickets

to the Dr. Becker taping
on Saturday night.

VIP seats.

Which is...?

She's a sex expert.

I showed Stan the list.

He got very inspired.

Anyway, if I promised to make it
worth his while

I'm sure I can get him
to stay at home.

Ok, if I promise to take
the tickets

do you promise to never talk
about you and Stan

sexually communicating
ever again?

Deal.

Ok.

Can I just tell you one thing?

Alright, yes.

I'm gonna get my labia
tightened.

What do you think about
oyster shooters?

Mmm, aren't oysters more
of a third date kind of food?

Yes, good point.

It's not like you're taking me
to a sex show.

Lecture by a progressive,

world renowned researcher
who went to Yale.

Which is definitely
not Harvard.

But she happens to be discussing
human sexuality and I-

I know, I know, consult
an expert is on your list.

I'm messing with you.

And just because we're going
to a lecture like this

doesn't make me a sure thing,
you know.

Me neither.

Good.

Wouldn't want you getting
the wrong idea.

What idea might that be?

I don't know, I just wouldn't
want you misinterpreting

my list, 'cause I'm really
not that kind of girl.

And what kind of girl
are you?

That's for me to know
and for you to wonder.

Ok, well now I'm gonna ask you
a bunch of things

so I can make a meaningful
snap judgement about you

without being distracted

by all your charming,
attractive... you-ness.

Is this where you ask me
for my tax return?

'Cause I didn't bring it.

Uh, no.

I was just gonna ask you what
your favourite book was.

Um, sorry.

My last girlfriend did that
on the first date.

And you still ended up
dating her?

Oh.

Alright, yeah.

Your last girlfriend must have
been a supermodel.

She was a model, yes,
but super, no.

Definitely not.

And she's certainly not
Harvard material.

Ah.

Well, as an artist, I do not
require financial documentation.

Being well kept doesn't really
apply to me.

And yet you seem to be
kept very well.

That is corny.

Uh, let's do the books.

I have two.

I also have two favourites.

Ladies first.

Nope.

Huh?

No. I asked you first.

Revealing book love is
a very personal thing.

I know.

That's why it's my stock first
date question.

It's gonna tell me everything
I need to know about you.

Are you sure you wanna know?

Yeah, you're right.

It could be the end of something
good before it even starts.

Or it could be the start of
something good that doesn't end.

What the hell's
in this drink?

Ok, alright.

Let's just state our books.

Yep.

And let's get this ship
to sinking, ok?

Please.

Alright.

Yeah. At the same time,
count of three?

Yes.

Alright.

Ok.

One, two, three.

"Everything That Rises
Must Converge",

and "The Story of Your Life."

"The Story of Your Life"

and "Everything That Rises
Must Converge".

Well, you like them in
the wrong order.

Yeah. It's definitely
not gonna work.

This is the Dr. Becker show?

Yeah. Hi, welcome.

Hi.

Oh, uh, will Dr. Becker
be out soon?

That is Dr. Becker.

Alright, let's get everybody
in their seats now-

Wait, she's a Magna Cum
Laude Yale PhD?

Follow me.

Alright, ladies and gentlemen,
please take your seats.

The show is about to start.

Dr. Becker, you're on
in three, two...

Ok.

I am so sorry.
I had no idea-

Are you kidding me?

This is the most interesting
date I have ever gone on

in my entire life.

Welcome.

Tonight's guest is both
a true pleasure to have

and a departure from my usual
science-based approach

to sexual enlightenment.

Science was nothing like
this where I went to school.

Really?

I thought boarding schools were
known for sexual enlightenment.

Please help me welcome
Madam Swarovska,

world-renowned sexual psychic.

What's a sexual psychic?

Someone who can do
the pull and pray method

of birth control?

You snorted.

Ok, I'm leaving.

That one.

She suffers.

Oh?

Oh.

Madame Swarovska,

can you explain to our audience
what it is that you're doing?

And me, would be nice.

I am assessing the aura.

Seeing what colours
surround her.

Sounds lovely.
Thank you.

For most people, yes.
For you, no.

For you, is grey.

Grey?

Are you saying that
she's sexually...

Grey!

Yes.

Well, lucky for me
neutrals are in for fall.

You know, we can go
like five minutes ago.

No, no, this is awesome.

This is great.

How about we get you on
stage, Miss...?

Uh, Lu...

Lulu-bell.

Well, come on up
here, Lulu-bell,

so Madame Swarovska
can read you.

Come on.

You're safe.

Yes, the grey one is in deep
struggle with the sex.

I often discuss a condition

called sexual attention
deficit disorder.

SADD.

Sad, for short.

Which involves frequent
mental wanderings

of a non-sexual nature
during intercourse.

Might that be what-

Yes, but also lack
of experience.

Oh, trust me, I-I have plenty
of experience.

The cards say no.

No, I assure you.

I know what I'm doing.

The cards say no.

Oh, I see.

You are very old when
you are first having sex.

Surely you mean old enough.

No, I mean old.

Oh.

Oh, old is why you are only
having sex with four people?

Is that true?

Four?

No.

No?

Well, yeah.

But what's wrong with that?

Oh, one does not count.

It ends uh, how you say...
prematurely.

Oh, that one looks promising.

Yeah, when is upright yes,
but for you is reverse.

Oh.

Oh.

Grey one.

Yeah?

You're not having
the big booms?

What?

The big booms.

The rolling thunder.

The crotch magic,
you know?

Like, oh yeah, baby.

I love it!

You know?

Like, woah Nealy gets
really crazy,

that kind of sex.

Like uh, like magic time.

Like crotch magic.

Blast it off.

Blast up inside, you know?

I can't handle it anymore!

Like... woo!

This type of thing.

What-how you call it?

She sees... um,
you don't orgasm.

I got it. Thanks.

Oh, but you're giving booms
to yourself sometime,

that's good.

That's ok.

That's something, huh?

That's nice.

You keep that going, ok?

Now I'm going to see about
the one you come here with.

This guy over here.

Oh, oh.

Hey, now.

This is really lucky.

The devil's card in reverse
is representing

like breaking freedom
from restraint.

This guy is going to give
you the big booms!

Yes.

Isn't that amazing how accurate
the Madame is?

Well uh, thank you again
for a uh, revealing night.

Once again, she was so not right
about anything she said.

No.

By the way.

She's crazy.

She said I rocked your world
when we barely even know

each other, let alone have had,
you know, sex.

Right?

I know.

Like, what was she even saying?

That just me being close to you
I get like all... I don't know.

Sorry, no.

Look how in control I am
around you.

Right.

Anyway, yeah, she was wrong.

She was crazy wrong.

Who knows?

Anyway, twice again,
for the official record,

I had absolutely no idea
about tonight

and I am so, so, so sorry.

I'm really sorry.

I'm not.

Goodnight.

Yeah.

I swear you're going
to get me fired.

Or even worse,
assigned to awful jobs.

Grant's a pretty big deal
at the firm, you know.

And you're a big deal to us,
Paul, but this isn't about you.

Yet.

The psychic didn't
say anything positive?

Just that I wouldn't end
up alone.

Well, that could just mean
she thinks you'll get a cat.

What?

Ok, let me paint a picture
for you.

If Grant is the devil and not
even he can get lucky with her,

then perhaps poor Luce
is destined to end up

with a litter of cats.

But seriously,
let's get back on point.

How did you two leave things?

Am I gonna have to avoid him
at the office?

Can't hear you.
I'm shopping.

Luce, quick question.

Isn't this the section for girls
who do get kissed?

Hey.

Just so you know,

he said he was gonna call this
weekend to make plans.

And no, I'm in
the right section.

Mmmhmm.

Guys, I have to tell
you something.

Good god, you're not preg-
how?

What?

No.

The question would be who,

since I can't even seem to get
a guy past the front porch.

You know those jeans

that make my ass look like
a sorority girl's?

Here?

We're going to
the women's section.

Nope, not the women's.

Men's?

That's brilliant.

Right here.

In maternity.

Look, they have this stretchy
stuff that goes over the stomach

and just kinda smooths
everything out.

I know, you think
I'm pathetic.

No, no.

I'm just trying to figure out
my size in women's.

Who knew strings could accompany
threesome-type sex so well?

I say we rehearse like this
all the time.

I'm so surprised you're still
doing the list.

I'm psyched.

I've been labelled
sexually grey.

It kinda solidified the mission.

And I've been waiting for Grant
to call me all week

so I figured I might as well
just watch my 25 films.

Why are you waiting
for him to call?

Why don't you call him?

Anyway, so I had one of these
on when it came time

to practise one day, so...

Well, if it means anything,

I've never heard you play
this good, girl.

Don't be ridiculous.

A month until the Philharmonic
auditions remember us when.

Mmmhmm.

Oh my god.
It's him.

The best man?

Yeah.

Do I-what,
do I answer?

No!

No.

Yes.

I don't know.

Ok, answer it or I will.

I already suffered through
high school once.

Ok.

Ok.

Hey.

Hey yourself.
It's Grant.

Listen, sorry I haven't
called you...

"Hey"? The man of your dreams
calls and you say "hey"?

Shh!

Uh, me shush?

No, sorry.
Not you.

I'm with the quartet.

Rehearsing some porn!

Did she say you're
watching porn?

No.

No, she did not.

She said "horn".

Yeah, we're adding a French horn
to the group.

Ah, well, I can't help you
with that.

So um, you're working
on a Saturday?

Uh, listen.

Sorry I haven't called
all week.

I've been bloody busy
in non-stop meetings and-

He was out
of town all week.

That's it.

Woohoo!

Oh, thank god.

There it is.

Oh!

Oh, Paul, your ass.

Turn it down!

Turn it down!

Sorry, Nessa just stubbed
her toe.

Why me?

Anyway, look.

I know it's last minute
but I was thinking,

if you wanted to go out-

I'd love to.

Yes. Whatever it is.

So sorry!

Not sorry.

Ok. Ok.

Here we go.

Wait. Wait.

What?

Mmm-mmm.

No?

You want me to stop?

What? No. Go.

No?

As in it's a no go?

No. No. Keep going.

The perfect pants
for you two.

Hi.

Hey.

Sorry, I didn't mean
to wake you.

Um, I was just gonna...

Oh.

Ok.

I'll call you.

Yeah.

Oh my god.

No! No!

Grant! Wait!

Shit.

No. No.

Grant! Wait!

Grant? Grant!

If it's about the porn
I can quit any time!

What?

So I watch porn.
Big fucking deal.

As long as it's consensual.

No judgement.

Stupid.

Useless!

This tastes like crap!

Disgusting!

Ugh!

Don't even work!

Ugh!

God, I can't believe this.

And you.

Stupid.

Ugh, Phil's penthouse
is just so gorge.

My boyfriend and I walked in
and he was all

"this place owns the skyline".

Well, it did take us about
a year to complete

so you can imagine
what it cost.

I don't do numbers.

Me neither, but like how much?

Anyway, if you thought
the penthouse is impressive

you really ought to see
his place in the Hamptons.

I can't wait to own multiple
homes in

which I don't actually live.

My boyfriend and I
love the Hams.

The Hams?

Is that what we're calling
it now?

Only people who live there.

Or people who know people,
like my boyfriend does.

You guys need to meet him.

He'll be here in a minute.

Mmm.

You know what? I want
some more wine.

In fact, I'll take
an I.V. of it.

Noted.

Two I.V.'s.

Nessa, you've gotta slow
your roll, love.

Um, why are you guys here,
again?

Paul, he's doing
the panel thing.

Yeah, because he has actual
things to say.

Sorry.

Um, there is a designer
on the panel

and Paul wants
to ask her out.

He makes us act like
we're interested in him

so he can, like,
get girls.

Yeah, it's legitimizing.

Once I make partner I probably
won't need it.

He's right.

My boyfriend's a partner.

It's attractive.

I mean, my boyfriend's
already attractive.

My boyfriend.

My boyfriend.

My boyfriend.

My boyfriend.

My boyfriend.

My boyfriend.

My boyfriend.

My boyfriend.

Maybe you should get
a shirt that says

"I have a boyfriend"

and then you wouldn't have
to tell us every five seconds.

Ok, refill.

Coming right up.

I didn't mean to make
you jealous.

Of what?

You know what?

This is a good time to go.

I'm good.

Oh, there he is.

Ugh.

I'm all out of sausage.

I hope you brought your hot,
throbbing co-

What am I doing?

Thank you.

We'll be in touch.

It's that way.

Hey, Priscilla, it's me.

So the audition went great.

I did it!

I finally crossed something
big off one of my lists.

Ah, I feel amazing.

Jeff's getting married?

And he's inviting you?

And this is his idea of
a wedding invitation?

Talk about no taste.

It gets worse.

Don't even.

He wants you to play
at the wedding.

Us.

Yeah.

He wants the quartet.

Well, we're not doing that.

And I don't even understand,

why would he want you to be
there at the wedding?

Maybe he feels guilty.

I don't know, maybe he feels
like he's doing me a big favour.

How is this a favour?

The girl's family is loaded.

Ok, so we're absolutely
doing it.

But Jeff is a tool.

And not a sharp one.

Do you know, Luce, when uh,

when Sharon left me
for Jennifer...

it was more the rejection
that hurt.

Not necessarily her leaving.

Honestly, I don't really care
about Jeff leaving.

And who wants to have
super lame sex

the rest of their life, anyway?

Uh, I do.

Lame sex, virtual sex,
the faint possibility of sex,

any of which would be more
than I'm currently getting.

I can't even get my hand
to have sex with me anymore.

Yeah, well, maybe if you dressed
up your hand like a redhead

who cooks, loves musicals,
and has a PhD...

I'm sad to report
that my standards

have dropped somewhat
significantly.

Oh yeah?

Well, what is your type
these days?

Willing.

And I've got to go to Vegas
for a bachelor party.

I swear, all those boobs
I can't touch

might just be the end of me.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure
no one over the age of two

has ever died
from lack of boob.

That's a valid point.

Wait a second,
when are you leaving?

For Vegas?

Yeah.

Tomorrow, why?

Because I need to finish
my list

and there's this Vegas thing
on there.

No, no, no, you need
to finish it

because Jeff's getting married.

No, I-

Besides, Grant's
gonna be there.

I don't care if Grant's
gonna be there.

I just need to finish my list,
alright?

And you're gonna help me.

So just embarrassing me

at the strip club wasn't enough
for you, was it?

This'll be so much better.

Will it be, though?

Yeah.

Could I get more needles
in here, please?

Tensing up!

You need to have sex.

And I have to finish
my list.

So it's a win-win.

Um, for losers.

So I'm not sure we come out
on the right side of this.

Ok.

Here is who's working today.

Nope.

Can't do it.

Do you know what?

They're probably all diseased.

No, you're more likely to catch
something in a sorority house.

See?

Here is a whole information
sheet about their weekly tests,

how they check each customer
for symptoms,

and clean everyone's genitals
with anti-bacterial-

How about we don't use
the word "genitals"?

Will you please just go
in there and do the deed

so you can report back?

Why don't you just go inside
and do the deed and report back?

Because they don't service
lesbians or straight girls

who like sex with women.

How do you know they
don't service women?

Oh my god, you called
and asked for yourself.

Wow, you really have
turned over a new leaf.

Look, you buy women
nice dinners all the time

hoping to get sex out of it,
correct?

What?

Pfff.

I- I do.

Yeah.

So that's just a more honest
side of the exact same coin,

and it's perfectly natural.

I'm not going in there alone.

Well, great, let's get
in there.

Wow. Called my bluff.

Oh boy, this is happening.

Hey, sweetheart.

You worry too much.

I told you there'd be other
normal people here.

Howdy, fellas.

How y'all doin' today?

We're here to get her some,
if you know what I mean.

Ain't that right,
honey bunch?

It's a perfectly natural thing.

What dialect is that?

Is it not southern?

Not at all.

And just to be clear,
this is already not worth it.

Just so we are clear, am I to
share your girl or get my own?

I mean, we've not really worked
out any of the details here.

Oh.

Interesting.

Ladies? Please say hello.

Just like that, here they come,
down the staircase.

Oh, that's a nice dress.

Thank you.

I need to go to the bathroom.

Uh... I can't do this.

I'm so, so sorry.

May I squeeze through?

Good luck.

What happened to your boyfriend?

Oh, no, he's not
my boyfriend.

He's more of a colleague.

Excuse me, doll?

We don't service
single women here.

Actually, I want to apply
for a job.

As...?

As a... you know,

what they are-do.

Hi.

You want to be a working girl.

Yeah.

Wow.

How'd it go?

Well, I applied to be
one of the girls.

I'm sorry, what?

Well, I didn't get the job,
obviously.

So quick question.

When I tell the story later,

which do you think is going
to be better?

The fact that you applied
to be a prostitute

or that you didn't get
the job?

Anyway, I'm really sorry

that you're late for
your bachelor party.

No, that's alright.

I'll just tell them
the truth,

that you got hung up
at a job interview.

I'm just teasing.

They'd be lucky
to have you.

Thank you.

Here we are, huh?

Well, I mean, are you sure you
don't wanna come along?

You can always be the
entertainment package.

No, I'm just gonna
wander around.

Alright.

All I want right now
is a quiet bar

and an artfully
crafted cocktail.

Fair enough.

Have fun!

Alright, have a good night!

Woooo!

Yes!

Ooh, that's strong.

Let's take a picture.

My new friends.

One, two, three.

Alright, Vegas.

Welcome to karaoke night
at the Blue Saloon.

Up next we've got...

Lucy Neal.

Come on up.

What?

Oh, no.

No, I didn't sign up.

Well, someone put your name
in there.

Well... actually,
I don't sing.

What do you do, then?

Um... I'm a violinist?

Oh.

Well then why don't
you come down

and play some violin for us?

Oh, no, no, no.

No, I'm good.

Thank you.

Come on, there's only like
five people in here.

What've you got to lose?

Get up here, have some fun.

Crap.

Ok.

Not cool, guys.

Give it up for Lucy.

I play classical mostly.

Don't worry about it.

Just play along.
We're in the key of G.

It's an original.

There's your bow.

Are you guys ready?

♪ Hello my lovely baby,
I want you near, ♪

♪ I see you walking
through my door, ♪

♪ And it is clear, ♪

♪ I need you more and more,
don't I? ♪

♪ I want you more and more
in my life, ♪

♪ So hey, come on in, ♪

♪ Wake me up, baby, ♪

♪ I feel I'm getting cold, ♪

♪ Wake me up, baby, ♪

♪ I feel my heart
in my soul, ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, ♪

♪ Wake me up, baby, ♪

♪ Wake me up in my soul, ♪

♪ Wake me up baby, ♪

♪ I feel my heart's
getting cold, ♪

♪ I don't wanna get cold, ♪

♪ Now, warm me up, ♪

♪ warm me up,
warm me up, ♪

♪ And I am fallin' fallin'
fallin' for you so I, ♪

♪ Realize I that
I am old and, ♪

♪ Suddenly it seems
everyone has left me, ♪

♪ Suddenly as it seems
as the future's ♪

♪ right in front of me ♪

Yeah!

Alright, Lucy!

Yeah.

Well done.

Alright, let's see
who's up next.

Anyone else have any
hidden talents out there?

What're you doing here?

Shouldn't you be at the bachelor
party with Paul?

Paul showed me the picture
you texted him

of you and the posse
of Harvard boys.

I recognized the bar so-

What, so you-

Thought I'd come looking
for you.

Please tell me you've got
better than that.

How about I tell you how sorry
I am that I fell off

the face of the earth?

I was an idiot.

Why didn't you call?

A bunch of reasons.

None of them good.

Ok, look.

This has been fun and thank you
for whatever this is

but I am not-

But-but wait.

Can I just have one second?

Meeting you was
a big surprise.

And then I realized how much
I really liked you.

But then I-I just-

Decided to show your
considerable appreciation

by sleeping with me
and then running out?

It's just-it's a scary
proposition.

What's scary?

I'm scary?

What is scary about me?

For starters, you're
obsessed with sex.

Look, you came around
at a really weird time.

And I know the list is bizarre

but I've got something
important to prove.

Prove what? To who?

To myself.

I guess... I need to prove
to myself that I'm enough.

Leaving like that
was a mistake.

Not calling you
was a mistake.

Will you please forgive me?

Sorry.

Woah, woah, woah.

Wait. Wait. Stop.

Stop?

I don't wanna hurt
the baby.

What?

Um... I'm not pregnant.

I beg your pardon?

Wait-

You're not?

I know-I know
I've been emotional

and like I'm craving some weird
stuff, but oh my-oh my god,

do I look pregnant?

No, no, no.

You're not emotional.

You look stunning
and beautiful.

It's uh, at your house you had
maternity pants on the chair.

Honestly, I saw the pants
and I freaked out

and that's why I left.

Oh my god.

What?

Oh my god.

You left because you thought
I was pregnant?

It's a scary proposition.

Wow.

Wait.

You thought that and you
still wanted to be with me.

We like the same books.

Mmm.

Not in the same order.

You're right.

It's never gonna work.

Luce, it's Paul.

You're never gonna believe this.

I've met the girl of my dreams.

Her name is Destiny and yes,
she is a stripper.

Let me tell you...

Hi Lucy, Howard Gregson.

Our committee loved
your audition but ultimately

decided your playing
is too expansive.

A hair uninhibited
for our conductor.

But I think your skills
are just a bit misplaced.

To that end I have an
opportunity coming up

in a couple of weeks.

- Hey.
- Hey.

You all ready
for the wedding?

Yes, but there's something
we need to do first.

Wow.

Well, you've still got one
more thing on your list.

Oh.

Yes, I do.

Let's go.

There you go.

Thank you guys so much.

Thank you.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Hey.

Who can I make it out to?

Uh, Lucy.

Yeah, she's a big fan.

Um, how do I spell that?

Actually, there's a much
bigger fan

that you should make this
out to.

I mean, this is just so Jeff.

Care to dance?

Yes, I would love to.

Ok, Stan.

Woo!

Hey, there she is.

Here, come on.
Switch.

Oh.

Hey, congratulations.

Oh, thanks.

And thanks for playing
for us.

The force is strong
with you.

Mind if I...?

That's cool.

Thanks for doing this.

The price was right.

Is that the only reason?

No. Well, maybe.
Ok, yes. It was. But...

Ok.

I'm glad I did.

I'm glad we're good.

Me too.

Uh, I gotta ask you.

Um, whatever happened
to that list you had?

The interesting one?

Wait until you see the wedding
gift I got for you.

I can't find it.

That's because
it's right here.

And I can't wait to give it
to you.

I'm... married.

I'm-I got married.

I'm married today.

Thank you so much
for doing this.

What can I say?

I believe in love.

Hey, Luce, all the bridesmaids
are twerking

on the dance floor...

Hi.

I'm Paul.

I'm Honey.

Delighted.

Are you gonna ask me
to dance?

Yes, yes I am.

Right this way, please.

Alright, ladies and gentlemen,

there's only a few songs left
so get out on the dance floor.

Let's celebrate
Jeff and Anne tonight.

Let's send them off
with style.

Don't forget to tip
your bartender.

What?