Porky's Revenge (1985) - full transcript

The hopes, the dreams...

the aspirations of a
striving people...

for a better world to live in.

The future is with us today.

Their bright, shining faces...

are ours.

These young people will
sally forth for us...

carrying the banner of decency...

love, honesty...

intelligence...

and they will forge
our coming world.



They will be our hairdressers...

undertakers...

automobile salesmen...

sex therapists...

interior decorators...

gynecologists...

and perhaps...

a president of our United States.

And today...

we celebrate their beginnings.

I proudly give you...

our graduating class.

Pat Rosen...

Robin Gallup...



Mitzi DeBella...

David Marwood...

Kimberly... Oh, Jesus.
Kimberly Ann... Bah!

Jonathon Martin...

Max Clooney,
Jefrey Jay Numan...

Jennifer Grant,
Inga Johansson...

Edward Morris...

Pee Wee! Pee Wee!
Pee Wee! Pee Wee!

Pee Wee! Pee Wee!
Pee Wee! Pee Wee!

Pee Wee! Pee Wee!
Pee Wee! Pee Wee!

Pee Wee! Pee Wee!
Pee Wee! Pee Wee!

Pee Wee! Pee Wee!
Pee Wee! Pee Wee!

Pee Wee! Pee Wee!

You're gonna be late
for school again.

- Do you intend never to graduate?
- Mmm.

Where'd you get it?

My cousin at Southern
Methodist sent it to me.

How long can we keep it?

Long as we want.
He says we're sexually ignorant.

- I guess we'll see.
- Yep.

Hey, you guys!
Wait'll you see what we got!

Hey, hold on. Pee Wee's
telling us about his dream.

- So then she takes out this gazoombie.
- Gazoombie? What's that?

You kn... You know.
Num-nums, choo-choos, tits!

You know, she flashes everybody right
in the middle of the graduation ceremony.

The biggest gazoombie I ever saw.
This girl was practically deformed.

Then Carter steps on my gown, and the whole
graduating class is looking at my wiener.

They'd need magnifying glasses
to see your wiener.

It's more like a wienerette.

Oh, yeah? When they saw it,
I got a standing ovation.

They were standing
to get a better look.

At least I had something
they wanted to see, Wendy.

We've got something
you'll all want to see.

A stag film.

- A real stag film?
- You're too young, PeeWee.

- Your growth is stunted enough.
- Come on, Meat!

- You gotta let me see it! You gotta!
- I don't know, Pee Wee.

This has got more beaver in it
than the entire state of Wisconsin.

They say you can go blind
from lookin' at stuff like that.

No, the only way you'll go blind
is by lookin' at it like that.

Yeah, well,
you got any better ideas?

Well, I am the president
of the Audiovisual Club.

Hey, guys,
what's he doin' to her now?

Ah, looks like he's tryin'
to take her temperature.

Yeah, without a thermometer?

Oh, I'm sure he'll
think of something.

Shit!

Look familiar, guys?

Yeah, looks like your entire arm.

That's disgusting!
Hey, you're blockin' my view.

Close the door, pecker-breath!
The light's comin' in!

Decency demands that the culprit
be thrown out of school.

These pupils don't
deserve to graduate.

They're sick.
They're perverted.

They're retarded.

Mr. Carter! Mr. Carter,
I demand to know...

what you intend to do
about this!

- Mr. Carter!
- Huh?

Oh. Oh, yes.
This is awful.

Awful!

Especially the woman
with the big ti... with the big ti...

Gazoombies?

I am ashamed at each
and every one of you.

What have you got
to say for yourselves?

Maybe you'd better explain to them
what will happen if the culprit...

who's responsible for this schlock
film doesn't step forward.

Yes. Uh...

- What will happen?
- Expulsion!

- For all of them.
- Right, right.

Who is responsible?

Uh, Mr. Carter...

I brought it in.

But I don't think the film
can be fairly judged...

without viewing it in its entirety.

How's that?

Uh, he means, it's true...
there is some nudity.

- "Some nudity"?
- But I can assure you...

before the principal
performers disrobed...

- they were fully clothed.
- That's right.

- It's art.
- It's filth.

Disgusting, naked filth!

Uh, Miss Balbricker, if I may be so
bold, that's your characterization.

They all had boners!

Mr. Carter, I will not stand here
and be accused of having a boner.

Uh, this particular film
was, uh, directed...

by the infamous... Sven.

- Ah.
- Sven Svlinken from "Sveden."

- Oh! Svlinken from "Sveden."
- It's trash! Garbage! Gunk!

And we're late for class.

Oh, yes. Uh, yes. Good idea.
Uh, go back to your classes.

Except McCarty and Turner.

- I haven't finished with you two yet.
- Good luck, guys.

Uh, when, uh...
When can we arrange a screening?

Uh, I'll have to check the schedule...

because the projectors are sort
of tied up for the safety films.

- Uh, safety films?
- You know... Uh...

♪ When you go to cross the street ♪

♪ Watch out where you put your feet ♪

♪ Look both ways and be alert ♪

♪ If a car hits you, it's gonna hurt ♪

♪ Safety, safety ♪

♪ It's the safe, safe way to be ♪

Come on, guys. Pick it up.
There's too much gloom around here.

Are you kiddin'? They're kicking
our asses out there.

Angel Beach hasn't been in the
state finals in over 20 years.

Maybe it's 'cause your cheers are crummy.
Why don't you get new ones?

- What's wrong with our cheers?
- Apparently, they're not working.

If you really want to help us...

why don't you throw a
victory party after the game?

Okay. If you win, you got it.

And we're not talking about a milk
and cookies party. We want an orgy.

- Orgy?
- Yeah, I think Tommy has a point here.

That's what the Roman women did for
the gladiators after a big battle.

They threw a victory orgy.

- Forget it.
- No way!

- What do you think?
- I'm with you.

- I'm in.
- It's worth a shot.

- The slumber party cheer.
- Change the words?

- Let's do it.
- All right! Let's go!

Not you. Go on! Go!

Okay! Angel Beach,
strong and hardy!

Win the game, have a party!

We decided you were right! Put it
in the basket! fight, fight, fight!

Roman women give in, in, in.

Use your balls and win, win, win!

Wow! Go!

The score is tied.
The game is tied at 70.

Twenty-seven seconds left to decide
who goes to the state championship.

Number four, Edward Morris...

replacing Crutcher
for Angel Beach.

Angel Beach!
Angel Beach! Angel Beach!

Angel Beach wins!

They're on the way to
the state championship.

Whoo!

- Meat! Meat!
- Yes.

Did you see the girl in the fourth row?
Beautiful. Blonde all over.

Oh, that's Inga. She's the Swedish
foreign exchange student.

That's the girl in my dream!

Buddy, your motor's running.
Why don't you save it for the orgy.

Good game, Coach.

What are you guys doing here?

You shouldn't be on
school grounds.

Yeah? What are you gonna do?
Give us detention?

Look, I don't exactly have
all the money right now.

I'll-I'll talk to Porky.

I can get the rest of the money
in about a month or so.

Now, look. You's the one
that come in to Porky's.

You's the one that got drunk.
Now, we asked you not to gamble.

I-I know. I got... carried away.

You'll get carried away again...

in pieces.

You heard it all, huh?

No, not a word.

So, uh, when is this orgy
supposed to begin?

As soon as my parents leave.

They just wanted to say hello.
They're not gonna stay very long.

Neither are we.

♪♪ Well, I guess we gotta be going.

That's too bad.

Sorry. We gotta have dinner
with the Franklins.

- Aw!
- Oh, well.

Listen, if it's that important,
I mean...

Have a great time!

- Bye-bye.
- Drive fast.

Have fun.

Well, ladies, let's go.

- Let's orgy!
- Let's get it on!

- Hell, no. Let's get it off.
- Hold it!

What? What's this?

Now, you'll line up like
good little Roman soldiers.

Pay attention.
Follow the rules.

First, we all get undressed.

- They're taking it off.
- Let's go, gentlemen.

We're gonna get laid!
We're gonna get laid!

I hope you don't get scared.

It's amazing what my fertile
mind can come up with.

I can't believe they're
gonna go through with it.

We're gonna get laid!

Well, Billy, you'll finally
get to see your girl naked.

- She's not bad, either.
- Oh, very funny.

- Hey, hey, hey.
- Come on. In the pool!

Last one in is the last one in.

Roman soldiers in the deep end.

Orgy time!

This water's cold.

Hey, where's Meat?

Oh, sheesh!

Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!

What's the matter with you?

- Can't swim.
- Oh, great.

Okay, soldiers. Get it off!

- We're gonna get laid!
- We're gonna get laid!

In the Roman army,
there were gladiators, slaves...

horsemen and cannoneers.

Cannoneer...
I'm definitely a cannoneer.

- And eunuchs.
- What's a eunuch?

- It's a guy with no balls.
- I'm a horseman!

You start swimming toward us.
And make it graceful.

Come to your ladies, heroes.

Stay in formation.

- What about your cannoneer?
- Graceful!

I'm the cannoneer. What are you guys
gonna do, leave me here or what?

Back to the deep end.

Come get it, fellas.

Okay. Who wants
to get dressed first?

Come on. Come and get it.

Here, boy.
Here, boy.

Yoo-hoo!

- What are you doing?
- We're going to make a movie.

Ja, ja. A movie.

Well, Meat, we're naked in a pool.
Would you please go get our clothes?

No way. If they're making a movie,
I gotta be the main attraction.

Meat's right. Pee Wee, you go.
You're the short subject.

I'm naked, treading
water in a pool.

- You're making jokes.
- Jokes. Ja, ja.

Ja, ja.

- Go find a plug for the lights.
- Ja, ja. Plug.

Okay, you guys. quit stalling.
Who's gonna be first?

What the hell.
I always wanted to be a star.

Oh, he's not gonna do it.

He is gonna do it.

Get a shot of this, babe.

Well, girls,
how about that orgy, huh?

It's not supposed to work like this.

We're gonna get laid!

Here comes your main attraction.

Oh, no!

Oh, we're not gonna get laid.

Right!
We're not gonna get laid!

We thought we'd come back
early to join the...

Uh, you came back a little late.
You missed a wonderful party.

Yeah, it was
really a great spread.

Your daughter Connie
really is lovely.

I hope we can call on her again.

Hey, we don't want to be rude,

but we gotta get up early for
basketball practice tomorrow.

- Well, hate to eat and run.
- You know what they say.

- The early bird gets in the bush.
- Take it easy.

You got my shoes up there?

It was the most humiliating
experience of my life.

I mean, it wasn't bad enough we're
running around the pool bare-assed...

with our winkies
flopping in the breeze...

You got a winkie, not me.

You decide you're gonna go out
and greet her folks bare-ass naked.

- Really good idea.
- I liked it. I don't care.

Oh, I'm glad you guys liked it. You love
running around naked with your friends?

- I'm watching the road.
- No, you're not watching the road!

My mom's gonna kill
me when she finds out.

Don't worry about it.

- I don't think you're in my league.
- That's what's gonna happen.

I'm gonna start hanging
out with myself.

You hang out with yourself...

a lot, by the looks of it.

Hey, you know why you're pissed off?
You're pissed off...

because you didn't
get to be a cannoneer.

When we went there, you thought it
was gonna work. Everything was fine.

You had your hand on my ass,
that's why.

- I couldn't avoid it!
- Hey, slow down. There's Brian.

Hey, Brian! Whoa!

What the hell happened to you?

Yeah, aren't you a little
bit late for the orgy?

We've got something
important to do. Pick me up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Brian's burning oil.

- So, how was your orgy?
- Why weren't you there?

Yeah.

Uh-oh.

What went wrong?
No orgy, huh?

There was a tender moment
with Connie's parents.

Oh, I see. Come on. Drive.

- Where are we going?
- Porky's.

Porky's? What are we
going to Porky's for?

No! No way, Brian!

- Look. Coach Good enough's in trouble.
- What are you talking about?

The coach is a good guy.
He's helped us out a lot of times...

and now I think it's our
turn let's help him out.

Well, I agree with that,
but we go to Porky's...

and then what do we do
when we get there?

Easy. We shoot pictures
of his illegal gambling casino...

and then we take them to the D.A.

Oh, come on. Porky ain't
gonna let us anywhere near his place.

Meat, if you remember,

we didn't have a written invitation
the last time we called.

- Great body.
- Look at that ass.

- I could lick her waist.
- No, you don't lick a waist.

That's not one of
the designated areas.

- How you doing, babe?
- Hmm?

Hey, Meat!
See you later.

- Come on, man!
- Meat, give her a shot, huh?

- Uh...
- Hi. I'm Blossom.

Why do they call you Meat?

Why do they call you Blossom?

- What happened?
- We happened.

I guess he hasn't fixed it
up since our last visit.

He must've. I mean, I heard
the coach say he was there.

[FAINT]

Unbelievable.

Son of a bitch got a boat.

What do we do now?

Let's go.

- Where are we going?
- It's got to dock somewhere.

Oh, yeah? What'll we do
when we get there?

Let's just get there.

Unbelievable.

Sam, you drink that damn stuff
faster than they can make it.

Big boobs! Great broads.

Mr. Johnson, sure am glad
you won all that money tonight.

Thanks for the tip.

Move your ass! Don't get
in the way of a high roller!

I almost forgot what a mean
son of a bitch he is.

Good night, Bob.
Come on back again.

- Sure will.
- Take care.

You get your ass inside.
I want to talk to you.

Come on, knock it off. will ya?
Keep your hands off. Be a nice girl.

Get away from...
Leave me alone, for God's sake.

- You know, you guys are morons!
- Shh!

- I don't want to shush.
- Keep it down.

- Keep this down, huh?
- Look where you are.

It was just a little joke.

A little joke?
She practically raped me.

She said she was gonna leave me
out there on the highway...

unless I promised to show her
why they call me Meat.

Are you still talking?
You think this is funny, right? Huh?

You, come on.
Get out of my car.

Guys, enough, enough. We still got
to find a way to get onto his boat.

Hi, Daddy!

Hi, baby. Blossom, you have
a good time tonight, child?

Yes, I did, Daddy.

Is that Porky's daughter?

- That's it.
- What's it?

- Meat, do you know how to use a camera?
- For what?

'Cause you gotta take this...

and go with that girl into the casino
and take a few photos of the layout.

Uh, w-w-wait a minute.
She's gonna let me...

go into her old man's illegal
casino to take pictures?

- What are you, nuts?
- Well, you have to, um, distract her.

Distract her with what?

My friend, there comes a time
in every man's life...

where he must rise
to the occasion.

Oh, come on, man.

Every time you guys get
a wild hair up your ass...

I gotta go stick
my neck out, you know?

Not my pants!

Not my pants!

Come on. Come on, please?
Not my pants.

- Not my pants!
- Yes! Come on!

I like a man who
plays hard to get.

Will you stop it?
Not my pants!

Huh? Come on!
Not my pants!

Will you stop it? Please? Huh?
Come on, will you get off of me?

- I want to ride you, jungle beast.
- Hey, come on. I...

- Shit!
- Please! I ripped my shorts.

- Shit!
- Come on! Leave me alone!

Aah! Shit!

Cut it out!

Well, what's going on?

Well, Meat's doing
pretty great up there.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah, he's doing terrific.

Yeah, he's getting a lot of pictures.

Okay, boys.
What the hell you doing here?

This is private property.

What the fuck you all
think you're doing?

You was trespassin', boy.

According to the law,
I could shoot...

Great galloping gobs
of goat shit!

You're the little bastards
that ruined my place.

Well, I'm glad to see
you back, boys...

'cause now I'm gonna
ruin you for good.

Hey, wait a minute.
Uh, look.

You really don't want to do this.

I don't, huh?

Porky, do you really think
we came all this way...

down here to see you without...
without a good reason?

I mean, we knew we were risking our lives.
At least give us a chance to talk to you.

You better talk fast, boy...

'cause I've been wanting to find
you kids for one hell of a long time.

Look, uh, do you think we
could go ashore and talk?

This is kind of
complicated business.

- Y-Yes. We'd like to talk business.
- Business.

Business.

Kill the little fuckers!

Do the words "state championship"
mean anything to you?

Yeah, it does.

All right.

Let's go into my bar.
Maybe we can talk some business.

Get in there! Don't argue with me!

Where are you?
What are you doing, huh?

Where's my pants?
This ain't funny here.

Where's my pants?

- What the hell are you doing?
- Come here, big boy.

Now, what is this bullshit
about the state championship, boy?

Yeah, uh, state championship.
That's...

That's what we were talking
about, wasn't it? Uh...

Tommy, why don't you
explain what we mean...

when we say "state championship."

Right.

Uh...

Billy, I think you're probably
better at this sort of thing.

Uh-huh. No, thank you, sir.
I don't drink.

Hey, I don't do business
with pussies. Drink up.

- Drink! You.
- Uh...

You were saying?

This ain't funny, man.
There's somebody downstairs.

We got to get dressed
and get out of here.

Come on, big boy. Ride me!
Yeah, come on. Ride me!

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes! Yes!

You're gonna throw the state
championship? Bullshit!

- Yes. Yes.
- You have our word on it.

Yes. Yes.
Yes! Yes! Yes!

We told Porky we'd throw
the game, right?

So the coach is off the hook,
and now it's our asses, right?

I don't believe it.
Four years of practice.

We finally get to the state
championship, and we've got to lose.

Look, I mean, we at least got the
coach out of trouble, right, guys?

Yeah, and ourselves into it.

Hey, what's life all about?

Living.
It's definitely about living.

Yeah? Well,
I ain't throwin' no game.

- Hey, that's it!
- What?

This is so simple.

All we have to do
is win that game.

- Win?
- Yeah. Sure. And then we're heroes.

And nobody fucks with heroes.

- He bought the funny farm.
- Wait a second. I like his idea.

Look, if we hold
a press conference...

after we win the game...

and announce that certain
unscrupulous elements...

wanted us to throw that game...

nobody'll be able to touch us.

We'll be a shining example...

of good, clean, American youth.

Us?

We believe in Mom, apple pie
and the American flag, right?

Yeah.
People eat that stuff up.

Including me. Especially the
part about winning games.

- Well, Angel Beach Gators!
- Yeah!

You may notice the pericardium...

which is that little
sac around the heart.

Once you find it, be...

Mr. Tupperello, you haven't
made your dorsal incision.

- I don't feel so hot.
- Make the incision.

I can't.

Here is your scalpel.
Now cut.

Oh, God.

You expect me to believe...

that the captain
of a basketball team...

would faint at the
sight of a mere frog?

It wasn't just a frog.
It was a dead frog.

She wanted me to cut the
thing open. She hates me.

Miss Webster is one of the finest...

most dedicated teachers
in this school.

She wants you to get the best
education possible. If that's possible.

Even... now, get this,
Tupperello...

Even if it means giving up
all extracurricular activities.

I'll do anything,
as long as I can play basketball.

I was talking about basketball!

I can't give up playing.
We're going to the state championships.

Fail your biology exam...

and the team will have
to win without you.

Miss Webster's recommended that you
not be allowed to play basketball...

unless you get a passing
grade on her biology exam.

And I'm backing her
up on that 100%!

Get the hell out of here!

I got it covered.

Shit!

- What's the problem, buddy?
- The door won't open.

- Ty the knob.
- Nice work. Come on.

Okay. Spread out.

Search the drawers
shelves, everywhere.

Hey, Meat.
What's the exam look like?

It's fury,
and it's got balls this big.

What the hell do you think
a biology exam looks like?

I didn't know. I'm not in your class.

Hey, Meat. Human brain.

You could use one, huh?

Hey, Meat. You okay?

Meat?

Let's get him some air.
Over here.

Geez!

Are you okay?

- Come on, Meat. Meat! It's just a brain.
- You're not helping.

I can't find the
dang test anywhere.

Maybe it's in her apartment.

You crazy?

We're gonna break in to
Miss Webster's apartment...

and steal an exam?

Think about this, Tommy.

If we get caught,
we could get sent to jail.

Think about this.

If Meat doesn't pass
that biology exam...

we can kiss the state
championship good-bye.

Shh!

Whoa!

- Not bad.
- Some joint!

Let's just hurry up, get the test,
get the hell out of here. Okay, guys?

- Hey. Maybe you better check that desk.
- Yeah. Check the desk.

Yeah, check the desk.

Ah!

Hey, guys.
Come here. Quick.

What?

You can see my grandmother's apartment
from here. She's dusting her furniture.

Oh, this must be our lucky day.

Maybe we can watch her
give her cat a flea bath.

My grandmother
doesn't have a cat.

But if she's in your family,
I bet she has fleas.

Will you guys cut it out?
We gotta get back to work.

She's here! Shit!

Shit!

Shit!

The lights!

- That was a lovely dinner.
- Mmm. Great pasta.

And the service
was extraordinary.

- And the ambiance.
- Mmm, and the music. Oh, the music!

You know,
that Anthony Tupperello...

really is a dumb son of a bitch.

He's gonna win the state
championship for us. We need him.

Need? I don't need him
throwing frogs down my blouse.

- Ah, he's just a kid.
- He's no kid.

Okay, he's a dumb son of a bitch.

What'll it be tonight, hmm?

I could be the
Southern bartender.

And you can be the impotent
alcoholic monk...

that just escaped
from the monastery.

Oh, goody!

That's my favorite!

♪ Roll me over in the clover ♪

What will it be...

honey?

Gosh, I don't know.
I'm-I'm not much of a drinker.

You don't look like you're
much of anything to me.

I know.
That's what they tell me...

at the m-monastery.

How about some Benedictine?

S-Sure. You're the boss.

Isn't that what they
drink at the monastery?

On the... On the rocks.

On the rocks.

Oh, yeah!

How come you left the monastery?

I guess because I always wondered
what it would be like to...

to...

- to...
- Say it, big boy!

To see a woman's breasts.

- Cough!
- Aah!

Now I know how she
affords this apartment.

Come on.
Come on, big boy.

Hyah!

Hyah! Hyah!

Well, if it's tits you want...

take a look at these.

Oh, my God.
Give me strength.

Touch me, big boy.

No, I can't. It's a sin.

It's a sin.
I'd feel terribly ashamed.

But you can't control yourself,
can you?

I can! I... I have to!

Then I'll take off everything
and make you beg.

No, no!
Please... Please don't.

- No! Don't!
- Come on, big boy. Beg.

Come on! Beg!

I ain't beggin'!

You're... You're coming with me, bitch.

- What about the monastery?
- Oh, I'll fuck the monastery!

Oh, oh, Billy, when can
I view the Svlinken film?

Uh...

Svlinken, the Swedish director.
Remember?

- You said you'd arrange a screening.
- Oh, right. Yes. Uh...

You're really gonna
love it, sir.

There's this man in
black socks and a mask.

He represents the loneliness
of the Hungarian peasants.

Oh, that's very interesting.

I'll schedule the film just as soon as we
stop running those personal hygiene films.

- Hygiene films?
- You know...

♪ Take a bath every day ♪

♪ Let your odor float away ♪

♪ Hygiene means we all keep clean ♪

♪ See what I mean ♪♪

♪ Take a bath every day ♪

♪ Let your odor float away ♪♪

Keep clean, Billy.
Yes.

I couldn't believe it.

I'm looking through this keyhole.
I have this incredible view, right?

Guys, I'm telling you,
these two are hot.

- They're really hot.
- Dobish and Miss Webster?

Then what happened?

I had to leave when they started
singing "Mack the Knife."

Pee Wee says Dobish
and Miss Webster

are going at it again in
her apartment tonight.

- So?
- So?

We might be able to get some photographs
of them. Perfect blackmail material.

Forget it. We blew it last time
with your stupid camera.

Look. I'll take the
photographs this time.

I'll even rent a better camera
with some telephoto lenses.

How do we get the shots?

Easy. Pee Wee's grandmother
lives right across the street.

Whoa, whoa. Time out. Come on.
Let's leave my grandmother out of this.

Pee Wee...

if you let us use your
grandmother's apartment...

I'll give you your own private...

personal collection of photographs
of Dobish and Miss Webster...

including "Mack the Knife."

So what time do I tell
her to expect us?

I can't wait to share
this recipe with my mother.

I wish I had a grandmother
just like you.

Thank you, boys.
Thank you.

- I sure do appreciate your help.
- Oh, it's our pleasure, Grandma.

To be in the company
of such a gracious...

charming,
attractive woman is a joy.

Yes, and to allow us
into your kitchen...

and teach us all your
great culinary secrets...

My husband, Fat Harry...
may he rest in peace...

always used to tell me,
"never shit a shitter."

Here's his teeth. You know,
he was such a great eater.

Pee Wee, you got a great grandma.
Isn't she great?

- One of a kind.
- Yeah. Made her and threw away the mold.

Oh, Edward, where did you
ever find these slick boys?

Did you just meet 'em?

No, Grandma. We've been
friends for a long time.

Well, how come you never
told me about 'em?

Well, I-I've been busy.

Never say you're too busy
to visit your grandmother.

Now, eat your soup.

I already broke the
bread for you.

You sure you know how
to work these things?

Yeah.

You know,
they're pretty complicated.

So simple,
a child could use 'em.

I don't mean that as
an insult, Meat.

Say anything you want.
Just take the pictures, huh?

Okay.

Tell me again about that boy
at the window with the camera.

Uh, you see,
he's studying photography...

and he needs these pictures
for his term paper.

And it's only from my window...

that he should get such pictures?

- You have a great view.
- The perfect angle.

Hey, could you excuse
us a second, Grandma?

We'll be right back.

- You hungry?
- I'm always hungry.

He's always hungry, Grandma.

- Want to eat?
- Yeah.

Who?

That's funny, buddy.
Yeah, Grandma's funny.

We just hit pay dirt.

- Whoa! look at that!
- You getting it?

- I'm getting it all.
- "Mack the Knife"?

Got a chain.
Cat-o'-nine-tails.

What are they doin'?

Whippin' up Meat a
4.0 grade average.

Hey, here's a picture of
my mom in the drama club.

They sure dressed funny then,
didn't they?

There's Balbricker.

Look.
"Beulah Balbricker."

Says, uh,"debating team,
arts and crafts and wrestling."

"Bubbles may be the captain
of the girls' wrestling team...

but Snooky Kelton is the one she'd
most like tumbling around with."

They called Balbricker "Bubbles"?

Let's see what old
Snooky looks like.

Here he is.
Sam "Snooky" Kelton.

You know, I wonder
what would happen...

if we got old Bubbles and
Snooky back together again.

You just gave me
a wonderful idea.

- You guys hungry?
- Yeah, let's hit Deadbeats.

My dearest...

darling...

Bubbles.

It's been so long
since I've felt your...

grip.

Ooh!

Hey, you little devil.
You latched on to that Inga, huh?

Told you it's not the size of the dog;
it's how hard he bites.

Tommy, you're not gonna
believe this. It's great.

It's incredible!
I can't believe it!

Look. She's meeting me in a
motel room. I can't believe it.

- I can't believe it.
- Believe it.

The girl must recognize
that I'm in my prime.

You know, she's Swedish.
They have knowledge.

This says she's gonna meet you
in the Moonbeam Motel, room 48?

"Naked and ready"?
Oh. Hey, hey. Easy, easy.

- Naked and ready.
- Geez.

What, you gonna go
dressed like that?

- Yeah, what's wrong with the way I look?
- For Inga?

From a foreign county with
the great gazoombies?

Tsk. Your old man got a tux?

Tuxe... Oh, yeah. Why?

Why don't...
Why don't you get it?

You show up, all
distinguished... a tuxedo...

a nice, big bow tie.

- She'll like it.
- Thanks, Tommy.

No. Don't take flowers and candy.
Show up like a man.

- A man. Thanks, Tommy.
- Yeah.

- Oh, great.
- Lucky us.

- Hello, boys.
- What's goin' on, ladies?

How about old Balbricker
in the raw...

in a motel room waiting
for her true love?

Yeah, what's that
supposed to mean?

Balbricker sent this reply
to the post office box...

I assigned to Snooky Kelton.

She wrote: "Dear Snooky.

"After all these years and
after all that's happened...

"it was wonderful
hearing from you again.

"I would love to see you
whenever and wherever you want.

"Just name the time
and the place.

Impatiently yours, Bubbles."

I named the time and the place.

She's gonna show up?

The Moonbeam Motel,
right about now.

- But not with Snooky.
- Who with?

Pee Wee.

All right. Let's keep
it down. Here he comes.

Come in.

Oh!

- Is that you, darling?
- Uh-huh.

Hurry! Hurry, please!

Please? Oh!

Oh! Oh! Flowers.

I love this!

- Wish we had a program.
- Hey, here come the girls.

- Everything okay so far?
- Yep.

Great.

Oh, candy!
It tastes so good!

Ah! Hurry.

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah. Yeah!

What the hell is this?

It's Pee Wee.

I don't get it.

Hi, guys.
Uh, what's goin' on?

What are you doin' here?

What am I doing here?
What are you doing here?

You're supposed to be
in there with Balbricker.

Balbricker?

Well, Jesus, Pee Wee, if you're
not in there, who the hell is?

Tommy Turner.

What, do you think I was
made with a finger?

Where's the camera
when we need it?

Oh, Inga!

Snooky?

- "Snooky"?
- "Inga"?

Shit. Shit!

I'm gonna... Get off!

I've got you now, you freak!

You juvenile obscenity!
I've got you now, Tommy Turner!

You poor excuse for humanity!

Beulah!

Introducing the
Angel Beach Gators!

Welcome to the state
championship game.

Now taking the floor,
the Harmon Hornets!

I'm gonna break his
fuckin' finger off.

Just be happy you're
in the game at all.

Well, turns out we didn't need those
photographs of Miss Webster after all.

Wendy tutored me,
and I'm pretty sure I passed.

- Why didn't you tell me?
- What are you talkin' about?

I told Billy. He said that he
was gonna leave the photographs.

No. No, I left them right
on Miss Webster's desk.

Shoot.

- Busy hands are happy hands!
- Cut it out!

- Son of a bitch.
- What's the matter? Huh?

- He's got a lot of right answers.
- Well, that's good.

Not as far as I'm concerned.

I'm gonna make sure that
that Anthony Tupperello

doesn't play in that
basketball game.

Why didn't you tell me
the final game is tonight?

Everybody knows it's tonight.

It's for the state championship.

Well, if it's such an important
event, why aren't we going?

I promised I'd take
Sharon and the kids.

You're taking your wife
to a school function?

- Darling, it's just for tonight.
- Don't you "darling" me...

you two-timing pervert!

- Get out! Out! Out!
- Okay. Okay. All right. All right.

I never want to see you again.
Freak! Out! Out!

Howdy, Coach.

What are you doin' here?

I-I don't have the money yet.

Hey, don't worry about a thing.
That's already been taken care of.

I got a bundle riding on this game
tonight. You understand me?

I hope you bet on Angel Beach.

You're a very funny man, Coach.

Very funny man.

The teams are returning
to the dressing rooms...

for last-minute instructions.

Tonight you have the
chance to be champions.

And if you do that, I'm the
coach that got you there...

and that's what my
life is about.

Now, I want you to go out there...

and win.

Locker room.

Coach?

Coach Good enough. Oh, Miss
Webster. What can I do for you?

Hold it, Meat.

- I can't let you play.
- Why not?

That was Miss Webster.
You failed your biology exam.

Aw, come on, Coach.
That's impossible! I know I passed!

Come on, you guys. Quit stalling.
Get out there and play.

Coach, there's no way
we can win without Meat.

Who's gonna play for Meat?

Quit stallin'.
You guys got a game to win.

Bullshit!
Bullshit! Bullshit! Bullshit!

Bullshit! Bullshit!
Bullshit! Bullshit!

Your daddy's gonna win
a bundle on this one.

You having a good time?

I'd have a better time
if my Meat was playing.

- Say what?
- Nothing.

Halftime buzzer!

The score:
the Harmon Hornets, 39;

Angel Beach Gators, 19.

I thought I told you to get out!

If we don't do something
about these, we'll both be out.

I know they're bigger and stronger...

but if we don't start crashing
the boards in the second half...

the score of this game is gonna wind up in
the Guinness Book of Embarrassing Records.

Locker room.
Coach?

Coach Good enough.

And upon closer scrutiny,

I discovered that Mr. Tupperello
has passed his biology exam.

So should you decide
that his participation...

would enhance your chances at
the basketball championship,

please feel free to use him.

Meat! Keep scoring!

Bastards! Damn bastards!

Edward Morris, the
last available substitute...

reporting to the scorer's bench.

Sons of bitches. Those dirty,
little rat-fucking bastards!

They double-crossed me again.
Now someone's gonna pay for this shit!

What the hell are you
so happy about?

- Meat won the game for me.
- Who did what for you?

Meat. Meat Tupperello.
He's my boyfriend.

You know that boy?

- We went all the way.
- You what?

We went all the way.

- Shit.
- You want him dead or just crippled?

I want that bastard married to her.

"And then with two seconds left...

"a reserve guard with nerves
of steel came to the fore.

"Edward 'Pee Wee' Morris took
the last shot to win the game...

proving that this young man
has ice water running in his veins."

Pee Wee's gonna love that.

Come to think of it,
where the hell is he?

Guys!

- What's with him?
- How do I look?

- You look like you ate a rug.
- Oh, yeah?

Well, when Porky comes
looking for you guys,

remember who was smart
enough to wear a disguise.

He's not gonna come looking for us.

Uh-uh.

Yeah, you made the winning shot.
It says so here in the paper.

Oh, shit! It was luck.
It was just luck.

The ball landed in my hands. I just threw
it so those Harmon guys wouldn't kill me.

I didn't even know where
the basket was. I swear.

Hi, guys.

- Hi.
- Did you see who's on the beach?

Balbricker.
She's been there all morning.

God, I feel awful.

- Why?
- Look what we did to her.

We built up her hopes to see somebody
she's been crazy about all these years...

and then we zapped her
with a sick practical joke.

What do you mean "we"?

All right, I started it.
It's my fault. I feel terrible.

How do you think I feel?
I was in bed with her.

Boy, she looks in pretty bad shape.

Well, there's nothin'
we can do about it now.

Yes, there is.
We can find Snooky Kelton.

What are you, nuts?
How are we gonna find him?

Yeah, he could be dead
already for all we know.

He's alive and living in Miami,
and we can be there by this afternoon.

This is pure filth.
Pornographic filth.

I sat through every disgusting
frame of this film...

twice.

And as a result...

I am physically ill.

Mr. Carter, art is a
very subjective phenomenon.

Can it, McCarty. You're not gonna
pull the wool over my eyes again.

Now I have no choice but to...

Good morning, everybody.
I'm so sorry I'm late.

Oh, no, no, no. You're not
late at all, Miss Balbricker.

About the film... Now you...
you were perfectly right.

It is the worst piece of pornographic
trash that I have ever seen.

It's raunchy, degrading,
beneath the human dignity.

Oh, come on, Harold.
Don't be such a tight-ass.

Ah, I-I beg your par...

He was wrong,
and he's sorry, aren't you?

Aren't you?

Uh-huh.

All right.

Snooky...

Snooky...

Snooky...

Snooky.

Mr. Kelton, an old friend...

and former alumnus
of Angel Beach High...

has generously offered
to donate his beautiful home...

and host the party for
this year's senior prom.

That's great.

But what about the Svlinken film?

Well, I, uh, guess
I'd better be going now...

and let the seniors
know the good news.

Thank you both so much. It-It's really
gonna mean a lot to everybody.

It means a lot to me.
Uh...

Wow. Gosh.

Gee.

Zowie!

Snooky, I'd like you
to meet Edward Morris.

Hi.

How are you?

Uh, Edward, have you met
our exchange student, Inga?

- Ja.
- Hey, guys! Come on, move it!

Oh, look at the nice people.
Isn't she pretty? Huh?

Looks like Goose is airing out
his Chevy again. We'd better walk.

Come on, buddy. Leave it there, Meat.
We're gonna walk in.

Shall we?

So it's really a drag, man.
We come all the way down here...

I win the state championships,
I bring the car here...

I put on this monkey suit,
and now I gotta walk there.

It's really garbage, man.

Get his legs.

Stop!

Now, I want you to tell those double
crossin', rat-faced basketball pricks...

that Porky finally
got his revenge!

Mr. Meat Tupperello
will be at no graduation!

He's signing on board the H.M.S. Pignuts
with me for an indefinite cruise.

- Do you understand me?
- That's kidnapping!

It's not kidnapping when he's
gonna be my son-in-law, girl!

And that he's gonna be!

We gotta get him. We gotta
get that fat son of a bitch.

Okay.

Okay.

Good luck.

Yep.

This is the most important
day of my life, you understand?

It's not every day that
my Blossom gets married...

and I don't want
nobody fucking it up!

- You get that?
- I got it, Porky.

All you gotta do, girl, is come down
the aisle with him and give him away.

- And don't fuck it up!
- I won't fuck it up.

I'm gonna come down the aisle,
and I'm gonna give Meat away.

All right. You got it. Now get
your ass back to work. Go on.

What's the matter with you?
Can't you smile, boy? Huh?

- Daddy, I'm sorry to interrupt you...
- What are you doin' here?

There's a hooker, and she...

Don't you know it's bad luck
for the groom to see the bride?

- Get your ass back in your cabin!
- Come on, man. Lay off!

Come on. Give me
your hand, Meat. Come on.

Get up here.

Goddamn it.

Here. You gotta forgive me
for my temper, Meat.

But I'm glad to see my
son-in-law is a moxie guy...

'cause that's exactly what
I want from my grandson.

- What grandson?
- The one from you and Blossom, asshole!

Now, what the hell you think
you're gettin' married for, boy?

Beats the shit outta me.

You know, I hope we
don't have to do that.

Aw, shit.
Those days are over.

Man, all I want now
is a young grandchild.

A little Porky. Somebody
to bounce on my knee.

Teach him how to hustle, beat people,
go fishin', break heads, kick ass.

Somethin' to be proud of.
Cary on the family name.

What in the hell are you cryin' for?

You look so beautiful.

You're supposed to
cry at weddings.

Not at my wedding.
I want happiness.

Smile.
This is a pleasure boat.

Thank you, Daddy.

Dearly beloved...

we are gathered here today
to join this man...

and this woman in the bonds
of holy matrimony.

For better, for worse,
for richer, for poorer...

in sickness and in
health till death...

Holy Moly!

Good God!
What's happening to this place?

Give me my lights!
Where's my lights?

- It's us! It's us!
- Listen, man. Thank God, man.

I mean, I really want to thank you guys for
saving me from the old ball and chain.

Tell us about it later.
Let's get outta here.

All right, all
right, all right.

Uh, how do we, uh...
How do we, uh, get outta here?

He can't swim.

Gus! Freddie! You up here?
Where the hell are you when I need you?

Lenny!

Where the hell you guys been?

- In the dark. The lights went out.
- No foolin'.

- Jesus!
- Oh, my God.

- Like raising the Titanic.
- Goddamn it. Hey!

Come on!

I know you're out there,
you little bastards...

and I'm gonna find you!

There you are, you candy asses!

Hey, ugly! Hey, pig man!

I'm gonna get you.
I'm gonna chew up your asses!

Sooie! Soo! Soo! Sooie!

- What are you doing?
- I'm antagonizing him.

Will you get the motor started,
for Christ's sake!

Sooie!

- He's comin' after us.
- That's exactly what we want.

- Come on, fatty!
- Get 'em with the paddle wheel!

Come on, Porky! Sooie!

Hey, piggy!
Bet you can't catch us!

- You tub of shit!
- Give me full speed!

- Start the motor!
- Okay.

- Burn it!
- I can't!

- What are we doin'?
- Come on! Row!

- Full speed! More power!
- Row!

- full speed!
- Faster!

- Come on!
- More power! Power, I said!

Hey, get the troopers! Get the
Marine Patrol! I got another suicide!

Come on!

Come on!

Lady, please don't jump!

I have to.
I have to be with him.

Him? Him?
He's gone.

Yep. Real gone.
He's a real gone guy.

- More choke!
- Come on!

Fuck you, fat man!

Soo! Soo! Sooie!

See if you can squeeze your
fat ass underneath this bridge!

Sound your horn!

You're nuts.

Lady, please.
I gotta open the bridge.

You gotta open the bridge.
I gotta jump. That's life.

Everybody's got
something to do.

Okay, you big dip!
See you out in the ocean!

Bye!

I'm comin' after you,
you bastards!

- Now!
- Now!

You know we got a bridge
comin' up our ass?

- Reverse the speed!
- We don't have a reverse.

- Then cut the engines!
- All the goddamn gears are jammed!

- You, give me a hard right rudder!
- We don't have a rudder!

Asshole!

Open the goddamn bridge!

Bridge tender,
you son of a bitch, wake up!

Open the fuckin' bridge!

Open! Oh, God!

Daddy!

And so as we say
farewell to our youth...

and our carefree days
of frolic and frivolity...

we are going out into a larger world...

Well, Wendy, I gotta hand it to you.
You really did it this time.

Yeah, this is gonna be
the best graduation ever.

So when are we gonna do it?

- Do what?
- Didn't you tell Pee Wee about it?

- Of course I told him.
- Tell me what?

We're all gonna flash
when we get to the podium.

- Flash what?
- In your case, not much.

Oh, you didn't think I fell for that
practical joke of yours, did you?

What practical joke?

About not wearing clothes
underneath our gowns...

and when we get to the podium,
mooning the audience.

Chickened out.
I knew it.

Oh, yeah? Then how come you guys are
wearing clothes underneath your gowns?

It may look like we're dressed,
but in fact...

cut-offs.

Go ahead. Just reach down
under your gown. Take 'em off.

- Should I?
- No one will see.

You can do it, Pee Wee.

- Just be subtle.
- I'm subtle.

They will be our governors,
our lawyers, our surgeons...

our physicists, judges...

He's a strange boy.

You raised me a very
strange grandson.

a president of
our United States.

Today we celebrate
their beginnings.

I am proud to give you
our graduating class.

Okay, so by the time Inga's
getting her diploma...

we'll all be near the podium,
and that's when we do it.

- Inga?
- Yeah, she's gonna flash too.

Inga! Do you have clothes
underneath your gown?

- It's American custom, ja?
- Ja. Ja. Ja.

I love America.
Ja, ja, ja.

Inga Johansson, Edward Morris.

- Sort of makes you feel warm all over.
- Yeah.