Porky's (1981) - full transcript

♪♪ [Country-Rock]

♪♪ [Continues]

♪♪ [Ends]

♪♪ [Man Singing On Radio]

Good morning, Angel Beach.
It's April 12.

This is Gene Morrison
coming to you
from W.A.C.N. Angel Beach

nestled by the shore
in fabulous south Florida.

It's a bright,
beautiful spring day.

President Eisenhower's running
a tight ship ofstate.

Get it at Porky's.

The stars are secure
and the rent's
paid for the month.



So all's right
with the world, so...

♪♪ [Morrison Singing]

Let's get out there
and get America
moving forward.

It's 64 degrees,
expecting to
reach a high of 76.

Not a drop of rain in sight.

Good news for
the beach bunnies

but bad news
for the farm boys.

Now to help you start the day,
the singin' rage,
Miss Patty Page.

♪♪ [Waltz]

♪♪ [Woman Singing]

[Knocking On Door]

[Woman] Edward,
you'll be late to school.

Edward. Up. Right now.
[Knocking Continues]

I've got things to do,
you hear?



[Clock Buzzing]
Hit the floor.
Right now.

♪♪ [Continues]

♪♪ [Continues]
[Buzzing Continues]

[Stops]
♪♪ [Continues]

Edward Morris.

You be at
the breakfast table in five

minutes or you don't
play ball this week.

[Groaning]
Pee Wee, what's wrong?

Oh, nothing. I just pulled
a little muscle in my groin.

Oh, be careful.

Your father wants you to
drop him off at the office.

The car won't start.

And be sure you pick up
those clothes at the tailor's.

[Groans] Instant eunuch.

♪♪ [Continues]

Shit.

[Scoffs] Oh, it is.
It's gettin' shorter.

Shit.

♪♪ [Ends]

[Chattering]

Hey, did you get
the colored guy?

Does a fat dog fart?

Well, what's he look like?

Like an African Zulu man.
6'4",
two huge gold teeth.

[Chuckles] Great.

Where did you find him?

He works for my old man's
construction company.

Doesn't know what the hell
I'm talking about,
but he's willing

and he'll do it
for 10 bucks.

Ten bucks, not bad.
Yeah. You sure
the broad's all set?

Oh, there's no problem there.
She's...
[Vehicle Approaching]

[Hooting]

Jarvis, you stupid redneck.

Whoo.
You better duck, you suckers,
when Jarvis is at the wheel.

Billy boy,
y'all get the nigger?

Come on, Jarvis.
You mean the colored guy.
The Negro.

Poor white trash.

Fuck you and
the horse you rode in on.

"Fuck you and
the horse you rode in on."
That's colorful redneck humor.

Right.
Kiss my rebel ass.

And that's another one.

Yeah, you should be
writing these down.
Immigrants.

Y'all goin' back to
Oklahoma and Michigan

and kiss ass with all
the Negroes you want.

This is Dixie, baby,
where we do things right.

Hey, Jarvis.
How come you don't have

four first names
like most hillbillies?

You know,
like Billy Joe Jim Bob
or Flora May Sally Sue.

I had a cousin
named Billy Joe Jim Bob
and he was killed in the war,

so just watch
what you're saying.

Aw, gee,
I didn't know, Mickey.
I'm sorry.

Anyway, did you
get the Negro?

Yeah, we got one.

The guy's 6'4",
has gold teeth.

He's the meanest-lookin'
mother you ever saw.

Hot damn! They're gonna croak
when this guy jumps out!
Who's goin'?

[Woman] Hey, Tommy.
Wait a minute.

Did you get it?

I found a place
that's got one.
I'll go tomorrow.

Don't let me down.
I'm gonna get
that little creep.

[Chuckles]

Who's she gonna get?

Pee Wee.

Didn't you hear
about the other night?
No.

You didn't hear about that?

You sure you didn't hear
about the other night?

Well, we figure we gotta
get Pee Wee laid, right?

So I fix him up with Wendy.

Pee Wee and Wendy?

Shh.
Damn, I thought she had
better taste than that.

All he had to do
was knock it off.

You know, they're makin' out.
And you know Wendy.

She reaches down,
she unzips his fly
and she grabs his cock.

Guess what.

What?

The little bastard
already had a rubber on.

Oh, bullshit.

I swear. Wendy told me.
Why would she lie?

Horny little mother
wore a rubber to his date.

She got so pissed off,
she wouldn't even
let him touch her.

[Chattering]

Hi. My name is Mindy.

Can I ask you something?

Yeah, sure.

Why do they call you Meat?

I don't know.

Wendy Williams told
me I should ask you.

[Chuckling]

She did, huh?
Uh-huh.

Why do they call you Meat?
'Cause you're so big?

[Chuckling]
Yeah, sort of.

Not sort of. Why?

You really wanna know?
Yes.

Okay. Come on, I'll show you.

Meat, Meat, Meat.
Wait, wait, wait.

She's only a freshman.

Yeah. But after this,
she'll be an instant senior.

But Meat, listen.
If you get suspended again,

you'll never get that
scholarship to Princeton.

Now think about that.

I'm sorry, babe.
No cigar. Can't do it.

He won't tell me.

Come on. Come on.

Aw, shoot.

[Chuckling]

Hey, you guys.
Wait up.

Speakin' of horny mothers,
it's ready Eddie.

Come on, be serious, now.
I'm goin' tonight, right?

I don't know, Pee Wee.
Even a nymphomaniac
has standards.

She lives with
a big black stud.

He catches you,
he's gonna cut
your pecker off.

He's bringin' tweezers.

I don't care if she lives
with a blue-assed baboon.

She likes to screw, right?
Oh, she loves it.

Especially young guys.
The more, the merrier.

What's she look like?
She good-looking?

Well, she's not bad.

She's got a great body,
moves like an eagle.

That's the way I like 'em.

You like 'em any way,
as long as they're not dead.

I don't care if they're dead,
as long as
they're not too cold.

Come here, man.

Let's not
invite too many guys.
That way we all get her twice.

Listen to this midget.
He's not even invited

and he's making
up the guest list.

I'm going tonight!
You're not cuttin' me
out of any free nooky!

All right, you're going.

Shut up, geez.

I'm going.
8:00, right?

Right.

[All] Wear your rubber.

That lying bitch.

Wait, I forgot.
Which one is...

Timmy, this is the raw one.
That's the hard-boiled one.

This is the hard-boiled one.

[Pee Wee] We're gonna get
some action tonight.

What are you talking about?
I'm going tonight.

Goin' where?

I'm goin'. Ask 'em.
They said I could go.

He'll be the comedy relief.

Yeah,
I guess she could use you
for a little recess period.

Oh, real funny.

What are you
doing with those eggs?

What eggs?

"What eggs?"
Those eggs.

Oh, these eggs.

They're for you.

[Chuckles] For me?

Yeah, we thought you might
like to wear one today.

Timmy!

[Laughing]

Funny.

It's not half as funny
as the look on your face.

You gotta let me
do it to somebody.

Oh, no, Pee Wee.
I don't know.

I don't think
there's anybody left.

There's gotta be somebody.

Pee Wee, I think we've done
just about everybody.

Except...

[No Audible Dialogue]

Let me do Meat.

You've gotta let me do Meat.
No.

Come on, Timmy.

Okay.
Okay.

Now, listen.
The one in your left hand
is the raw egg, okay?

Uh-huh.
That's the one you drop.

The one in your right hand,
that's the hard-boiled egg.

That's the one
you hit him with.

Left hand raw.
Right hand "smacko."

Go get him, tiger.

Hi, Meat.

Hi, Pee Wee.
What's going on?
Oh, nothing.

Guys.
Hi.

Oh, yeah.

Watch it, man. Geez.

What are you, a psycho?
What's with the eggs?

What eggs?
Those eggs.

These eggs?

Watch my lips.
Those eggs.

These eggs?

What?
Is there an echo here?

They're for you.

For me?
What am I gonna do with 'em?

Well, we thought
you'd like to wear one today.

[Laughing]

Morris, you're dead.

I know I'm dead.

[Mickey] Watch it,
it's Kong.

Good morning,
Miss Balbricker.

My,
you look nice this morning.
Are you losing weight?

[No Audible Dialogue]

Hup.

Hot damn, you like
to live dangerously.

She wants a piece of your ass.

Miss Walker.

Nice pass,
Cavanaugh.

Too bad, Jew boy.

Tim, what's your problem, man?

Oh, boy, would I like
to get next to that.

Ah, yes. Lassie.

"Lassie"?

Patience, my boy.
Patience.

Why do you call her Lassie?

Why do you think?

I don't know.

[Howls]

Are you kidding?
You calling her a dog?

Fred, that's angel food cake.

You touch her,
and the Food and Drug

Administration gets
you for fuckin' food.

Well,
what can I tell you?

You can tell me why
they call her Lassie.

Just get her up in
the equipment room.
You'll find out.

What are you talking about?

But beware of King Kong.

Wait a minute.
Come here, Fred.

[Chattering]

Hi, Miss Walker.

Hi, Pee Wee.

Tommy, Miss Walker's hot.

Pee Wee,
she just said hi to you.

Yeah, but did you see
the way she said hi to me?

Right, Pee Wee.

Boy, Miss Balbricker,

you put a lot of weight
behind that one.

Coach Goodenough,
would you kindly

keep your balls
off my tumbling mat?

Beg your pardon?
The basketballs.

Would you kindly keep them
in your own court?

I have little enough room
for my girls as it is.

Oh, I'll take care of that,
Miss Balbricker.

Thank you.

The girls' tumbling
team just went in.

Heck, those broads
never take a shower.

You ought to
like that, Mickey.

What about the majorettes?

They're still out there.

Yeah, well, keep looking.

Hey, Billy,
Ginny just went in.

Hey.

You're not allowed to
think about her with
her clothes off.

You aren't even allowed
to look at her
with her clothes on.

Little dip.
[Chuckling]

Hey, Tim, I was just thinking,
maybe we ought to
invite Brian tonight.

Why do we gotta invite a Jew?

All we need now is a Communist
and a spic and we
have the whole thing.

You know, you're really
the tolerant type, Cavanaugh.

I notice you're still
including yourself in.

Hey, man, broads are broads.

I just don't see why
we gotta invite a kite.

Brian's a good guy.

He's only been
here a couple months.
Give him a chance.

He's a jerk,
and a Jew jerk at that.

All right.
We won't ask him.

But you're a case,
Cavanaugh.

Billy, they just went in.
Miss Walker's with them.

I gotta put my shoes on.

Come on, we're gonna miss her.

You wouldn't know what to
do with Miss Walker
even if she told you.

Come on, Billy.
I'm coming.

♪♪ [Marching Band]

Billy.

Billy!

Let's go. Come on.

Damn it. We missed them.
Shh.

Shh. Kong.

Damn it! I told you
we were gonna miss them!

It's okay, Pee Wee.
Take it easy.
We'll get 'em next time.

Yeah, but Miss Walker,
a real woman,
and I missed her.

Pee Wee,
you're about to get laid

by an exotic dancer
in a few hours.

That's a real woman.
Yeah.

Yeah, you're right.
I gotta go home and warm up.

"Warm up"?

[Growls]

♪♪ [Country On Radio]

Slow down, Mick.
It's about a quarter
of a mile on the left.

Man, are you sure
they could find this place?

They should both
be there already.
I took Conklin myself.

I drew Cherry a map.
Cherry?

Cherry Forever.

"Cherry Forever"?

That's her professional name.

Are you bullshitting me?

That's her professional name.
What can I tell you?

Hot damn!
Let's step on it!

Shh.

[Trilling,
lmitating Birdcall]

Okay. The coast is clear.
Let's go.

"The coast is clear."
Can you believe this dialogue?

[Laughing]

Okay, okay! Hold it, hold it!

What's going on here?

You wait here.

Wait a minute,
where are they going?

They're going first,
but I got sloppy seconds.

Your ass, Pee Wee.
I'm second.

Come on, Meat.
If you go first,
she'll be so reamed out,

nobody else will be able
to touch the sides.

Ream yourself.

[All Shouting]

[Whistles]

Geez.
[Clears Throat]

Okay. Cherry's ready.

[Chuckling]
Everybody get
their clothes off.

Hey, wait.

What's this bullshit?

She's gotta make sure
everybody's clean. No V.D.

How's she gonna tell that
by looking at us?

She's done this so many times,
she's practically a doctor.

Yeah, right.
And who's gonna inspect her?

Yeah.

Listen,
you guys wanna get laid
or you wanna have a debate?

Okay, I'm ready.

[Laughing]

I'm gonna get laid.
Yes, Virginia,
there is a Santa Claus.

Hey, come on, boys.
No strippin', no dippin'.
Come on, let's go.

Up, you big huskies. Up!
[Chattering]

Come on, man.

Relax, will ya?
I'm doing it.

Hey, wait a minute.
How come you guys ain't
getting undressed?

We got inspected last week.

Lucky you.

Okay, Cherry.

Hey, come on.
Take them off. Look sharp.

Take them off.

Timmy, Timmy...

[Chuckling]
Holy Jesus.

Gentlemen.

Gentlemen!

This is Miss Cherry Forever.

[Tarzan Yell]

[Grunts]
Right.

Cherry, this is Steve.

Hi, Steve.

Cough.
[Laughing]

And Cherry, this is Pee Wee.

I'll say. What do you use
for a jock strap, kid,

a peanut shell
and a rubber band?

Hey.

We're gonna have to tie
a board across his ass.

He's liable to fall in.

[Laughing]

You bastard, Tommy.

Save your energy, needle dick.
You're gonna need it.

Okay. Oh, God.

And this is Tim.

Hi, Tim.

Howdy.

Cherry, meet Frank Bell.

Frankie?

That's crooked, Frankie.
You been
screwing around corners?

This is
the pride of Angel Beach,

Anthony Tuperello,
affectionately
known as "Meat."

My God,
the boy's deformed.

[Chuckling]

Okay, let's move it out.

Yo.

You guys take
a number and sit down.

We'll just be a minute.

Yeah, we know.

That boy really is deformed.

I know.

Billy, this is my
friend John Conklin.

Hi, Conklin.

Okay, Cherry, sit down.

She touched
your nuts.

Her hands felt
like butter, man.

Hey, at least I got nuts.

Man, this broad is hot.

[Chattering,
Laughing Continues]

[Muttering, Indistinct]

Hey, wait a minute.
I got sloppy seconds,
you got ticklish thirds,

you got filthy fourths,
you got fall-in fifths,

you got slippin'
and slidin' sixths,

and you can scrape her
off the mattress, Mickey.

Okay, Cherry.
Cherry, get it started.
Go ahead.

Timmy that's...

Would you stop that?
[Cherry] You big mother.

Hey, shh.
[Cherry Moaning]

[Moaning]
Listen to that, Pee Wee.

Don't stop. Come on,
keep pumping, baby. Yeah.

You're next, Pee Wee.

Hey, guys,
we're gonna get laid.

Oh, she's hot.

[Moaning Continues]

They're gonna shit.
Shit.

They're gonna shit.

They're gonna shit.
They're gonna shit.

Come on, Billy.

[Continues Moaning]
Go ahead. Go on.

What're you guys
doin' in there?

Yeah, let's go!

Give it to her, Billy.

[Bedsprings Squeaking]
Oh. Keep pumping, Billy.

Come on, come on.
Keep pumping, Billy.

[Cherry Moaning]
Bingo!

Tommy, come on, baby.
Come on, Tommy. Get over here.

[Chuckling]
Shh.

Oh, Billy. Oh, Billy.

Oh, Billy. Oh, Tommy.

Oh, shit.

Keep pumping.
Come on, boys.

Come on. Yes.
[Chuckling]

Oh. Oh, yeah.

Oh, Billy, you're so good,
I can't stand it.

Come on, baby. Oh, yeah.

[Moaning] Don't stop.

[Moaning]

Oh, man, this broad
must be from Brooklyn.

[Chuckling]

Come on. Don't stop.

[Laughing]
Shh.

Hey, Cherry,
break the window.

[Glass Shattering]

What's going on,
you motherfuckers?

I'll kill you white boys.

What the hell was that?

We didn't know
she was your wife.
Besides, it wasn't me.

It was him.
I was just watching.

You're both dead men.

What's this bullshit?

I'll kill you all.
No!

No! No!
Look out, Tommy!

Look out!
[Screaming]

[Screaming]
[Clattering, Glass Breaking]

[Screaming Continues]

[Shrieking]

Oh, shit!

[All Screaming]

[Growling]

[Screaming]

Oh, shit!
This way, Meat!

Meat, this way.
This way. Run. Run.

[Laughing]

You sons of bitches.

[All Chattering]

Wait. Wait.
Meat's still running.

Come on.
Let's get him, fellas.

You're right.
Come on, let's go.

[Screaming, Growling]

Slow night.

Don't worry.
That'll change soon enough.

What did I tell you?

Can't wait to
hear this story.

I think I know that kid.

Pee Wee Morris.

The basketball player?

A friend of Mickey's,
my brother.

Well, what should we do?

Pull him over.

[Siren Blares]

Okay, pull over.

Okay, let me see
your driver's license.

How's it going, Timmy?
[Wolf Whistle]

Hey, Jarvis, I got something
you could blow on, you know?
[Moaning]

[Screams]

Hey, Mick, it's your brother.

I got something you guys lost
in the Everglades.

[Laughing]

You bastards,
you left me out there.

Hell, Pee Wee. We thought
you ran all the way home.

If we hadn't seen him,
he would have.

Oh, funny, a brother act.

Tommy,
where are my clothes?

They're in my car.
[Chuckling]

Hey, stop it, Meat. Come on.
Come on, there's girls.

Cindy and I are
bringing the kids over
on Sunday. I'll see you then.

All right.

Get rid of the beer,
Cavanaugh.
[Chuckles]

I'm sorry about that,
Officer Jarvis.

See you later, boys.

Tim, you get
your ass over here!

Ginny, why don't you
and the girls go inside?

Yes, sir?

I heard you run tail ass
from some nigger tonight.

No, no, we...
What's that, boy?

Who is this guy?

Tim's old man.

He just got out of prison.

You get your ass on home, boy!
Now!

Should've left him
there the last time.

What was he in for?

Manslaughter.
Killed a guy in a fight.

Tore his ear off
with his bare hands.

Guess my old man's not
such a bad guy after all.

Hey, what are you looking
so glum about, Pee Wee?

Look, man,
this is getting serious.
I gotta get laid.

I go more than a couple weeks,
I start to get jittery.

In that case,
you're due for
a nervous breakdown.

Oh, funny, Tommy.
Real funny.

I don't know what can we do.
If he strikes out
with Wendy Williams,

there's nothing
left but ham hocks.

Pee Wee's tired
of ham hocks.

Maybe there's some
horny midget out there

just eating her heart out
waiting for Pee Wee.

Come on, Meat,
I'm serious.

I'm just trying to help.

What we need here
is some professional help.

What are you
talking about?

Porky's.

Come on, Jarvis,
don't start that stuff again.

You crazy?
You'll get your throat slit.

Oh, man. All you gotta do
is know how to operate.

Porky is a badass redneck.

Right.

You guys don't know
how to talk redneck.

Porky is a businessman.

Now, listen, he just
imported this whole load
of Cuban broads.

They're fantastic.

And how do you know?

I got my sources, Turner.
Now, he's got

this room upstairs
called Porky's Pen.

You can party with
these Cuban dancers

as long as you let 'em know
you know what you're doing.

You sure?
Does a bear shit in the woods?

Let's go now.

We got a game tomorrow.

We need about 30 bucks apiece.

30 bucks?

Yeah, but anything goes.
We can go Friday
night after the game.

It's 70 miles out
in the Everglades.
We got a game Saturday night.

What do you say,
Turner?

Meat?

Well, you know my motto,

"Give me pussy
or give me death."

Damn, there's my boy.

You know,
I never had any Cuban pussy.

Right, Pee Wee.
Right.

"For the man who
really measures up."

What is that?

Something for Pee Wee.

Where did you get it?

This place in Miami.

Oh, look at that.

You're kidding me.

It's perfect.

It looks like
King Kong's rubber.
What's it for?

It's for Pee Wee.
You like it?

I like it...

Turner.

Hi, Pee Wee.

[Chuckling]
Okay, what did you do now,
Pee Wee?

[Meat] This little jerk
put Bengay on my jock strap.

[Pee Wee] You should've
seen him hopping around
like the Easter bunny.

Funny, huh? Who looks
like the Easter bunny now?

Hey, Pee Wee.

What do you want?
I got something for you.

For me? What is it?

It's kind of like a trophy.

A trophy?
What are you talking about?

A trophy for you,
my little Pee Wee.

All right, a trophy.
What for?

For being the biggest dickhead
I ever went out with.

Watch your jock, Tommy.
Watch your jock.

[All Laughing]

Get 'em.

Here you go, Meat.
You can use that
for a spare.

Give me a break,
will you, Turner?

Oh, Jesus.

Give it to me.

Pee Wee,
you love it, and you know it.

Wendy, I will get you.

[Wendy] You had your chance.

[Laughing]

You know, Pee Wee,
you never looked so good.

Nice face, Wendy.
Get out of here.

[Shrieks]

Come on, girls.
Don't be shy.

Go for it!

You love it.
[Screams]

Oh. Oh, they love it.

Tommy!
[Screaming]

Tommy...

[Squeaking]

[Laughing]
Shh.

"Your ass is mine,"
says Kong.

No shit,
Sherlock.

Turner,
you're dead.

[Whistles Blow]

Great defense,
Miss Cavanaugh.

And you thought
Jews were just smart.

Turner,
I wanna talk to you.

Get in there, Young.
[Whistle]

[No Audible Dialogue]
Bye.

Oh, damn.
Oh, God.

Well, any luck?

We been out twice.
Zero, man, zilch.

That girl wants to
be loved for her mind.

[Howling]
Man, you are driving me nuts
with this howling bit.

Now,
what the hell does it mean?
Come on, Fred.

Up there, Roy.

Just get her up there
and all things
shall be made clear.

You're pulling my chain, Fred.
The girl's a virgin.

Yeah?
Yeah.

And the pope is Jewish.

All right,
so how do I get her up there,
put a rope around her neck?

Put handcuffs on her?

Guile, charm, persuasion.

And if that doesn't work,
just ask her.

So what happened?
Two days' suspension?

Two games and 2,000 laps.
You're kidding.

I'm going to nail her fat ass.

Hey,
chief, what the hell is this?

Sheriff's office.

Sheriff of Wallacetown?
Where the hell's Wallacetown?

You're looking at it.
It's just
Porky's storm troopers.

Porky Wallace, get it?

Hey, get this.

Come on, man. Let's go.

Take your time, mister.

[Tarzan Yell]

[Laughing]
Look at this pig.

The Pigmobile.

It's got a pink interior.

All right, let's go.

All right, studs.
Everyone got their I. D?

Yeah, right here.

I got mine.

Oh, look at this one.

I left my I.D. At home.

Every time we go somewhere,
you find some
way to fuck it up.

It's okay, Pee Wee.
We'll take your word for it.

Just stand up straight.

We shouldn't have
brought him along.

I didn't do it on purpose.
Well, fuck you.

[All Shouting]
Will you all knock it off?

Jesus. Meat,
give Pee Wee your I.D.

What good is it gonna do?
It's got my picture.

That's all right.
You guys could be twins.
Got any other cards?

Here, use this one.

That's my Bible school card.

Yeah, who'd believe
a guy with a Bible

school card would
lie about his age?

Just act cool.
Think you can handle that?

Yeah, sure.

Act like you come
here all the time,
but don't overdo it.

I won't overdo it.

Let's go.

[Cheering]
♪♪ [Country]

♪♪ [Man Singing]

Yeah, okay.

It's been a couple years
since I been to the old joint.

Yeah, for sure, a regular.
Just stop talking
and start drinking.

Hey, how's Porky?
I haven't seen old Porky...

♪♪ [Continues]

Holy shit.
It's a pussy stampede.

♪♪ [Ends]

Come on, tiger.
Let's go get 'em.

♪♪ [Country-Blues]

[Cheering]

[Chuckling]

What do you want, a beer?

Yeah, a beer.
A beer would be good.

♪♪ [Singing]

That's a buck.

I'll take care of this.

A buck apiece.

[Clears Throat]

Wanna take a peek?

Yeah. Yeah.

Two.

Yeah, let's see 'em both.

That means it'll cost you
two bucks to see 'em, stupid.

Oh, shit, I knew that.
I'm just trying to
have fun with the broad.

[Chuckling] This broad's hot.
She's really hot.

♪♪ [Continues]

[Man Laughing]
Gobble, gobble, gobble.

[All Shouting]

[Laughing]

[Clamoring]

Hey, Pee Wee.
[Shouting]

Get off! Meat!

Way to go, tiger.

You sure took care of
those guys, Pee Wee.

Jesus, what the hell was that?

The guy tried to muff dive
one of the strippers.

Damn good shot though.
He stuck his nose right in it.

Oh, Mickey.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right.

It's your night, tiger.
Pick the one you want.

I'll take care of it.
I'll take care of it.

Barkeep,
I'd like to talk to Porky.

Porky's busy.

He ain't too busy for
what I wanna talk about.

I wanna pay for some pussy.

Pay me.

I wanna talk to Porky.

Okay, if that's what you want.
[Chuckling]

See, you just gotta show him
who's boss, right?

Now, sit here...

In a minute, darlin'.

Now, sit here and do nothing.
Don't buy any drinks.

Their racket is
getting you to buy

these broads
overpriced drinks.

No kidding.
Hey, Mickey. Porky.

[Oinking]

[Clears Throat]

Who's asking to see me?

Well...

[Clears Throat]
Mr. Porky, I am.

What do you want?

Well, Mr. Porky,

my friends and I here
would like to party
with five of your girls

upstairs in Porky's Pen.

You want five of my
piglets up in the pen?

Yes, sir.

For how long?

An hour.

What do you got to spend,
bottle caps?

A hundred bucks.

Oh. A hundred dollars
for five ladies, huh?

Go home,
snot-nose.

Hey, Porky, wait a minute.

Mr. Porky.

How many girls can
we have for $100?

There's five of you,
right?

That's a lot of horny dicks.

Give you two girls for an hour
or three girls
for a half hour.

That's all?

Hey, nobody's forcing you.

Now, it's a long ride
back home,

and it's even longer
with a hard-on.

Okay, we'll take
three for 30 minutes.

Okay. Pick out
what you want.

Her, her in the...
Oh, and her.

Hey, that's cash in advance.

No, Mick.

Hey, you,
that's the only way
I do business.

Okay, okay, no problem.
I've got it right here.

Here's 20, 40, 50, 60...

Not me. You pay the bartender,
you ridiculous dude.

And if any of you
guys get out of line
with any of my girls,

I personally am
gonna kick your candied

asses all the way
back to Angel Beach.

You hear me?

Yes, sir.

See that doorway over there?
You step in there,
and you wait.

Now, it's gonna be dark.
I don't want you
to be surprised.

Wait a minute.
What's this bullshit about?

This bullshit is you're
a pack of underage kids

and I don't want
my liquor license revoked.

The sheriff out here
happens to be a badass mother.

I don't want nobody to
see none of you with
any of my girls.

That's the back
way up to the pen.

Go through the door
and wait for a knock.

You talking about
that door over there?

That door.

Wait for a knock, step through
another door, and you're in.

And the girls will be
in there waiting for you.

You like that, kid?

Yeah.

I'm gonna give you
a night to remember.

You little piece of shit.
[Chuckling]

[Pee Wee] Did you see
those broads, you guys?
They are really hot.

[Meat] Remember,
they're paid to be hot,
Casanova.

[Tim] I don't like
this one bit. I think
we're being had.

[Mickey] No sweat, Tim.
It's under control.

[Pee Wee] I can smell pussy
behind that door.

[Tommy] I can't feel
any door.
[Tim] See, I knew it.

Are you ready, boys?

[Mickey] Hell, yeah.
We're ready, Porky.

Are you sure you're ready?

Yeah, come on. Let's go.

Okay, here comes
your night to remember.

[All Shouting]

Goddamn it!

I'm drowning! I'm drowning!

It's only two feet deep.

[Porky] Watch out,
there might
be alligators down there.

Everything's
under control, huh?
Mr. Big Shot.

Mickey,
you promised to get me laid.

You're a horseshit procurer.

Procurer what?
We're out 20 bucks apiece.

I'll take care of this.

[Porky] Set 'em up,
bartender.

Whatever they want.

Shut the fuck up!

I want to see Porky,
and I want to see him now!

Get that piece of
pig shit out here!

How was the pussy, boys?

[Laughing]

I want a piece
of your fat ass.

Sure, you do.
Let's step outside.
We don't want to ruin...

Fine with me, fat man.

Mickey, look, I don't
mind you being stupid,
but this is crazy.

Get out of here!
Move it!

Shit!

[Laughing]

[Siren Blaring]
Go on back to
your own damn town.

Hold it.

You better
fucking freeze, buster!

What's going on here, Pork?

I was giving
the old place an enema

and this pile of shit come
floating up to the surface.
Hey.

Shut up, boy.
Just shut up.

Well, it looks
like to me we got

five Angel Beach
assholes here.

Yes, sir.

Five walking, talking rectums.
[Chuckles]

Where's your car, boy?

Right there.

You from Seward County?

Yeah.

I don't know much about
the laws in Seward County

but we got laws here
about driving with
busted headlights.

I don't have
a busted headlight.

Don't have
a busted headlight?

Shit!
[Laughing]

That's a $35 fine.
Thirty-five bucks
or a night in jail.

Shit. I got 15 bucks.

I got five.

You got five?
You got 15, huh?

I got 12.

I think I got three.

Watch this.

Goddamn it!
[Laughing]

You got
a busted taillight too.
That's 20 more dollars.

Can you cover it?

I got 10.

Give it to me.
Give me all you got.

I guess I can show
a little leniency for

first offenders.
What do you say, Pork?

Should I give these
nice lads a break?

Oh, they seem
like a nice bunch

of clean-cut
Angel Beach pussies.

A little smelly.
Yeah, give 'em a break.
[Chuckling]

You heard the man.

You get your
candy asses back over

to Seward County and
you keep 'em there.

This here's a man's county.
Go on, get the fuck out.

Go on. Go on.

Go on. Here we go.

Here we go.
Go on home now.

[Porky] I don't think
they'll be coming back.

Let's go back inside.
[Laughing]

[Billy] The worst thing is
you guys are out 100 bucks.

This is just the kind of thing
you write off.

Again?
I got it last time.

Great.

Mick, I'm telling you,
they're bad mothers.

I'm going back
to get that pig.

Yeah, right, Mick.

Yeah, Meat!

Mickey, are you crazy?

Trying to be a big man?

Forget it, okay?
We lost. Come on.

What do you think this is?
What are you,
a tough guy or something, huh?

Evening, Morris.
Howdy.

You don't look too
terrific tonight, brother.

I'm okay.

I understand you tried
to butt heads with Porky.

I'd have whipped him
if it hadn't been
for that sheriff.

You know something?
That scumbag
sheriff sided with Porky.

Yeah, well,
that scumbag sheriff
is Porky's brother.

What? Shit.

Just great.

Now, just where
were you headed?

Back to Porky's.

Listen, Junior,
you go back and he kicks

your ass again,
what you gonna do?

Go back. Just keep going back.

This guy's dangerous.
I mean, he's playing
around with you now,

but he's gonna
get tired of you,
then he's gonna hurt you bad.

Am I gonna have to
take you home myself?

All right, I'm going home.

[Engine Starts]
Good night.

Redneck.

Do you think he's
really going back?

It runs in the family,
I'm afraid.

What's up?

He wanted to go after Porky.

Just hope he
lives to outgrow it.

[Whispering]
[Chuckling]

The girls are waiting,
Miss Honeywell.

How's Lassie?

Lassie's fine.

She's still a virgin,
but she's fine.

You, on the other hand,
are gonna be dead

if you don't tell me
why they call her Lassie.

[Howls]

[Whistle Blows]
Cavanaugh, you get wiped out
by that kick every time.

When are you gonna learn, son?

All right, give me number six.

[Whistle Blows]

[Blows Whistle]
Cavanaugh, get off the floor.

It was an accident, Coach.

Bullshit.
That was no accident.

Now, get off the floor now.
You're suspended indefinitely.

Nobody who plays like that
plays for me. Move.

You all right, son?

Yeah.

Anybody wanna go fly a kite
with me tonight?

I think it's great weather
for flying kites.

I wonder if
there are any kites
around here we can fly.

Hey, listen, Cavanaugh.

It's not "kites."

It's "kike."
K-I-K-E. Kike.

You know, you're too stupid
to even be a good bigot.

Behind the gym,
Jew boy.

As soon as the coaches
are gone, Jew boy.

Suit yourself.

Asshole.

Shoot. This guy's a ringer.

Yeah.

Get him, Tim!

Come on, Timmy!

Nice move, Tim.
[Grunts]

Get him, Tim.

Get him, Timmy.

Ow. Geez.

All right, Tim, that's enough.
Knock it off! Knock it off!

That's enough.
All right!
It's over! Let me go!

All right, shake hands.

Go on.

How did you learn
to fight like that?

Listen, when you're Jewish,
you either

learn to fight or
you take a lot of shit.

I don't like to take shit,

so I learned how to box,
and I studied
a little jujitsu.

That Japanese stuff, right?
Yeah.

How often have
you had to use it?

Well, this was the first time.

Were you sure
you'd remember how?

Well, I was hoping.

[Chuckles]

Look, Brian,
Tim's our buddy,

but you gotta understand
he's got problems.

Yeah, I noticed.

See, it's real easy for him
to take it all out on you,

'cause he thinks
you're putting him down.

He's not a bad guy.

He's a prick.

You're right.
He's a prick.

He's a schmuck.

What?

A schmuck.

That's Jewish
for prick, right?

Yeah, sort of.

Yeah, well.

Anyway, even though
he's a schmuck,

and we don't like
everything he does,

but he's still
our buddy, you know?

Yeah.

I understand.

Well, listen,
I got to go.

Yeah.

See you guys later.

Take it easy, Brian.

So long, Brian.

[Engine Starts]

This is great.
I'm gonna get her.

This is great.
It's great, Meat. It's great.

[Chuckling]
I know I got her.

[Phone Ringing]

Wendy, hon,
would you get that for me?

You got it.

[Ringing Continues]

Deadbeats.

Hello. Hi.

I'm looking for
a friend of mine.
He's supposed to be there.

What's his name?

His name's Michael Hunt.

[Laughing]

Mike, Mike. Yes, Mike.

Mike Hunt?
Okay, just hang on a minute.

Is Mike Hunt here?

[Chuckling]

Is Mike Hunt here?

[Laughing]

Has anybody seen Mike Hunt?

Practically everybody in town,
from what I heard.

Hey, Frank,
ask one of the car hops
if Mike Hunt's outside.

[Woman On P.A.]
Telephone call for Mike Hunt.

I got her! I got her!

[Woman On P.A.] Is Mike Hunt
in the parking lot?

Is Mike Hunt in
the parking lot?

Do you know Mike...

[Laughing]
[Groans]

Got her, Tommy.

Pee Wee,
I'm gonna get you.

You little prick...

And I mean that literally.

[Boys Groan]

[Chattering]
[Pee Wee] Where you goin',
kiddo?

[Chuckling]
Yeah.

Billy,
what's wrong with Meat?

I thought he didn't drink.

Well, he doesn't,

but he just found out today
he got turned
down by Princeton.

Princeton sucks!

Yeah.
Princeton?

It sucks!

I thought he had
scholarship offers
from 60 other colleges.

Yeah, he does,
but for some reason,

he had his heart
set on Princeton.

This chili tastes
like shit!

[Groaning]
Oh, shit.

Pee Wee,
would you get me some sugar
from the end of the counter?

That boy been drinkin'?

[Retching]
No sir, Officer.
Our friend is a diabetic.

[Tommy] Thank you, Edward,
for bringing
Anthony some sugar.

How many cubes of sugar
does your cousin require

when he's had
too much insulin?

[Retching]

Two cubes of sugar

usually is enough
to bring Anthony around.

Oh, feel better now, huh?

Oh, geez!

[Laughing, Hooting]

Gee,

I've never seen anybody
drown in a bowl
of chili before.

Me neither.
I wouldn't even know

how to fill out
the forms on that.

Yeah, you're right.
It would be a lot of hassle.

I guess we better save him.

Yeah, I guess we better.

You know, I'm not a doctor,

but I could swear
this youngster's inebriated.

Oh, no, Officer.

Not at all. Not at all.

Well, now, if you guys
say he's a diabetic, okay,

but if we find out he's drunk,

we're gonna book
the whole lot of
you as accessories.

He's smashed.
The son of a bitch
does it all the time.

Officer, excuse me,
but I couldn't help

but notice
what's been happening.

And who are you?

Oh, just a bystander.

Brian Schwartz is my name.
Brian.

I don't know if
this is important,

but I overheard
this poor fellow saying

that the reason he'd
gotten drunk tonight

is that his girlfriend
had just broken up with him.

Now, tell me, gentlemen,
wouldn't you be
likely to toss down a few

if the woman you love
turned her back on you?

[Snickers]
If my wife left me,
I'd get drunk for joy.

All right. Get him out of here
and get him home. Now.

Thank you, Officer.

Thank you. Will do.

[Laughs]
Oh.

You're one smooth mother,
Schwartz.

Well, you do what you can.

[Tires Screech]
[Glass Shatters]

[Horn Honks]

It's Mickey.

Porky's.
Oh, Jesus.

Here we go again.

[Revving]

Holy shit!

Holy shit.

Did you whip him?

Hell, yes.

I used my face to break
the son of a bitch's hand.

[Moans]

Pee Wee,
you better go call Ted.

I don't feel so good.

I hate to do this,

but we better get
him to a hospital.

All right. I'll get my car.
Hospital? Hospital?

Mickey. Mickey,
where you going?

I'm goin' home,
you son of a bitch,
what do you think?

Don't worry, old buddy.
I learned my lesson.

[Engine Starts]

[Tires Squealing]

We're gonna have
to babysit with him.

That won't stop him.

[Chattering]

Did you see
Timmy's face?

Yeah, we saw it.

Shorts, shirt...

You really worked him over,
didn't you, Schwartz?

Hey, I didn't do that.
I hardly touched his face.

Just a few little jabs.
I couldn't have done that.

You didn't do it.

Well, what happened?

His old man.

His father? Why?

'Cause he got into
a fight with a Jew,
and he lost.

Coach, can I talk to you
about Cavanaugh?

Oh, come on, Lynn.

Oh, Brackett.

Brackett, you know
I don't go all the way.

Who said anything
about going all the way?

We're just gonna go up
and have a cup of coffee

in the equipment room.
No!

Come on, Lynn.
No, no, no, no.

Tell you a little secret.

[Whispering]
I already know that.

Miss Honeywell,
do you mind?

Do I mind what?

It's disgusting.

The two of you

squirming about
like a pair of eels in heat.

You're a disgrace.

Yeah? Well, it sure beats
stomping and waddling around

like a frigid hippopotamus,
Beulah.

What did you call me?

Beulah. Beulah "Balbreaker."

Who do you think
you're talking to?

If I heard
a hurdy-gurdy playing,

I'd think I was talking
to the fat lady in the circus,

but as it is,
I guess I'm talking
to a ton of bad news

named Beulah, Beulah, Beulah!

Look, ladies,
I don't...

You butt out.

Moral turpitude.

What?

Moral turpitude!

Read your contract,
Miss Honeywell.

I'll have you fired
for moral turpitude.

You can take
your moral turpitude

and you can stick it
up the old gazoo, Beulah.

Gee, Lynn,
I don't know.

"Moral turpitude."

Oh, come on.

[Warren] All right, Brian.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'll talk
to Coach Goodenough.

[Brian] I appreciate that.

But don't expect too much.

Now come on.
We're late for practice.

[Sighs]

Oh! [Sniffs]

Oh, smell.

Oh, smell that air.

[Sniffs] Mmm! Oh, boy.

Oh, boy. [Sniffs]

The boys' locker room
always turned me on.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah?

Yeah!
[Chuckles]

Yeah.

Yeah! Whoo!

[Chuckles]
Oh!

[Groaning]

I mean, it turns me on.
It always has.

I don't know why.

Well, that's really
interesting, Lynn,

but why don't you
give me a hand here.

I mean,

it always turned me
on and I really...

I don't know why.

Who cares?

[Lynn Moaning]

[Moaning, Muttering]

Why do they...

Why do they
call you Lassie?

[Moaning] Oh, I don't...

Don't... Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

[Keening]

[Howling]

What in the world...
[Laughter]

[Howling Continues]

[Chattering]

[Howling Continues]

[Moaning]
Come on, Lynn.
Time out. Time out.

[Laughing]

[Moaning Continues]

Come on, guys.

[Moaning]
Lynn. Lynn, Lynn!

Ow! Be quiet.
Shh, shh, shh.

Ow! Shh, shh, shh.

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

[Laughing]

[Whispering] Yeah.

Oh, yes.

Yes! Yes.

Yes.
Yes.

Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

No. No!

Yes! [Screams]

[Lynn Screaming]
[Laughing]

Oh, goddamn it.
[Chuckling]

[Lynn Howling]

[Guffawing]

[Howling]

[Laughing Continues]

[Howling Continues]

[No Audible Dialogue]

[Lynn Moaning]

[Muffled]

[Laughing Continues]

Now!

[Laughing Continues]

Gas.

[Laughing]

Sorry I'm late, Coach,
but I had a case of the runs.

Boy, it hurt like hell.
Probably heard me
all the way out here.

Must be catching.

How's that?

I hope you haven't
grown too attached

to Angel Beach,
Coach Brackett.

All right, boys.
[Blows Whistle]

Fast break drill.

This is the best one yet.
What now?

All you need is a watermelon
and two jelly donuts.

Forget it.

I'm not taking
a shower with him.

Religious fanatics.

Hey, Mickey. How's it going?

All right.

We're about to go
on a beaver shoot.
You wanna come with?

Nah.
I got some things.

Mickey, you're not thinking
of going back
out there, are you?

Hell, no. They got some
badasses out there.

Not to worry, gentlemen.
Tuperello's on the job.

If he goes out there again,
I'll work him over.

When I get through with him,
he'll think Porky's his mama.

I'd be an idiot to go mess
with those shitkickers, right?

Attaboy, Mick.

[Pee Wee] Hey, you guys!

They're going in.
Miss Walker's with 'em.
Come on!

See ya later, Mick.
Hey, Pee Wee,
it must be embarrassing to...

Right.

[Indistinct Conversations]

Jesus Christ.
It's the mother lode.

I've never seen so much wool.
You could knit a sweater.

[Chattering]

This has got to be the biggest
beaver shoot in
the history of Florida.

Damn it! It's Blubber McNeil.
I can't see a thing.

Would you be quiet?

They're starting to leave.
Shit!

Hey, beat it, would ya?

But I'm missing it, man.

Would you shut up?
And you stay on your side.

[Girls Chanting]
One, two, three, four.

Up, down.

One, two, three, four.
Up, down.

[Chattering]

Goddamn it,
will you move it,
you lard ass!

That sounds
like a guy's voice.

Where's it coming from?

[Chattering]

Is that Tommy Turner?

[Girl] Yeah, who is it?
Who's back there?

Horny bastards.
Get out of here.

Don't be alarmed, girls.
This is just your
health department.

We're here to check out
all unlicensed pussies.

Please step forward
and spread your legs.

What are you checking for?

Originality,
neatness and hygiene.

[Laughing]

You better get out
of here, otherwise

you're gonna get
in big trouble.

Hey, Turner,
if Pee Wee's with you,
you better cover his eyes.

He might get confused.

Oh, they're hot.
These broads are hot.

They want us to look.
They're hot, I'm telling you!

Well, they ain't leaving.

Well, let's find out.

What are they doing?

Shit! One's coming for it.

No shit.

[Girls Laughing]

Shit!

Bitch. Funny, huh?
[Pee Wee Chuckling]

All right, I'll give you
something to play with.

Tommy, what are you doing?
[Laughing]

[Shrieking, Laughing]

[In Falsetto] Here, chickie,
chickie. Good chickie.
Here, chickie.

Here, chickie.
Here, chickie.

Hey, wait a minute.
I know that guy.

Uh-oh.

What's goin' on?

Tommy...

Shh! Hey, hold still, man.

She's comin' for it.
[Snickering]

Are you shitting me?

She's drooling.

[In Falsetto] Hi.
I'm Paulie the Penis,

and I just love to have fun.

Ah, ha, ha!

[Laughing]
Hold still, man.
She's comin' for it.

Oh, boy, she really wants it.

Are you shitting...

[Growling]
Here she comes.

She's almost got it.

Oh!

She's got it.

[Groaning] Jesus. Jesus.

I've got you now,
Tommy Turner

and I'm taking you
to the principal.

Man,
this broad is really hot.

Hang in there, buddy.
[Grunts]

Somebody get the principal.
Mr. Carter!

Somebody get the principal!
[Laughing]

You think this means
Tommy and Miss
Balbricker are engaged?

Shit!

I know it's you,

you little, filthy pervert!

[Groaning]
Now you...

Aah!

[Grunts]

You freak!

You filthy little pervert.

I can hear you in there.

You dirty little...

[Balbricker]
Now, Mr. Carter,

I know this is
completely unorthodox,

but I think this is
the only way to find that boy.

[Both Snickering]
Now, that penis
had a mole on it.

I'd recognize
that penis anywhere.

In spite of
the juvenile snickers of some,

this is a serious matter.

[Snickering Continues]
That...

That seducer and despoiler
must be stopped.

He's extremely dangerous.

And, Mr. Carter, I'm certain

that everyone in this room
knows who that is.

He's a contemptible
little pervert who's...

Miss Balbricker.

Well, I'm sorry,

but I've got him now,
and I'm not going

to let him slip
through my fingers again.

[Both Laugh]
Now, all I'm asking

is that you give me five boys
for a few minutes.

The coaches can be present.

Tommy Turner and any four boys

you see fit to choose,

and we

can put a stop to this menace.

And it is a menace.

[Snickering]

Well?

What are you
gonna do about it?

[Laughing]

Five young boys in the nude?

A police lineup so
that you can identify

his tallywacker.

Please, can we call
it a "tallywacker"?

"Penis" is so person...

[Groans]

"Penis" is so personal.

We can put hoods
over their heads
to avoid embarrassment.

Now, listen.

We have got to do it

as distasteful as it is.

I know it's him.

That

tallywacker
[Snickering]

Had a mole on it,
and that mole
is the key to it.

Miss Balbricker,
do you realize

the difficulty
of your request?

I would be very
happy to apprehend
the young man myself,

but can you imagine
what the Board of
Education would say

if you were granted a lineup

in order to examine
their private par...
[Stammering]

Their... [Groans]

Their private parts

for an incriminating mole?

[Laughing]

But Mr. Carter...

Mr. Carter?

I think I have
a way out of this.

We call the police,
[Snickers]

And we have 'em send over
one of their sketch artists.

[Both Laughing]

And Miss Balbricker
can give a description.

We can put up wanted
posters all over school.

"Have you seen this prick?

"Report immediately
to Beulah Balbricker.

"Do not attempt
to apprehend this prick

"as it is armed and dangerous.

"It was last seen hanging out
in the girls' locker room

"at Angel Beach High School."

Uh, M-M-M...

[Laughter Continues]

There you are.
Now let's do it.

All right.

Hey, Timmy,
Coach gonna let
you play tonight?

Yeah, I've been reinstated.

That's great.

[Warren] Okay, guys,
hit the floor.

Yeah, Tim, us little guys
need our enforcer.

[Warren] All right,
Cavanaugh, get with it.

♪♪ [Man Singing
On Phonograph]

♪♪ [Continues]

Beep, beep, beep,
beep, beep, beep,

beep, beep, beep,
beep, beep...

What's that, Wendy?

[Squeaky Voice]
It's a shit detector.

Beep, beep, beep, beep,
beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,

beep, beep, beep,
beep, beep, beep...

Get out.

That's the oldest
joke in the world.

I know it.

I like it.
[Blows Raspberries]

So where's Mickey?

Meat's with him.

I don't think so.

[Whistles] Hey, Meat.

Yo.

Where's Mickey?

I don't know, man.
He gave me the slip.

Should we go out there?

It's too late now.

Okay.

[Man] Come on, Jew boy.

Hey, watch it, buddy.

Louie, Hymie, Abie, Sam.

We're the boys who eat no ham.

You really get a kick out
of this sort of thing,
don't you?

Oh, you got a big Jew mouth,
just like your big Jew nose.

You're a big man when you're
kicking the ass out of kids

with that sneaky
Jap stuff, huh?

Come on, boy. Why don't you
try some of that shit on me?

Come on, Jew boy.

[Tim] Get out of here.

What?

You heard what I said.

Well, who you talking to, boy?

Trash. Poor trash.

Now, son, that's no way
to talk to your pa.

You know, I really wish
you wouldn't have said that.

'Cause you don't know
how humiliating it is

to have anybody
know you're my pa.

Let me go!

Stay out of this!

Make sure you're finished

'cause this is
the last time you ever lay

a hand on me again,
you son of a bitch.

[Grunting]

All right,
what's going on here?

[Girl Screams]
Now you got any
more smart talk?

All right, Mr. Cavanaugh,

I think we can get you
one to three for
felonious assault.

Meanwhile, I'll be glad
to finish this
strictly off the record.

No. Just let him be.
I'm not afraid of him.

I'm not afraid of you.

If you ever
come near me again,

I swear to God,
I'll kill you.

Looks like I'm gonna make
a man out of you yet, boy.

A man?

If being a man means
being what you are,

I'd rather be queer.

I'm having you put under
a peace bond, Mr. Cavanaugh.

You come near this boy again,
I'll have you arrested.

♪♪ [Woman Singing
On Phonograph]

I'll see you again.

I'll be looking
forward to that, Slime.

♪♪ [Continues]

Okay, it's over.
Come on, let's get on
back to the dance.

[Man] What are you
waiting for?

You okay?

Yeah,
I think I'll be all right.

Look, you know
you're welcome to stay

with Tommy or I as
long as you like.

All right. Thanks.

Why don't you...

Okay, girls,
if you're gonna
kiss each other,

let's get it over with.
[Laughs]

Otherwise, let's get on back
to the dance, right?

Right.

You know,
it's a good
thing Ted stepped in,

or I'd have torn
that sucker a new one.

Yeah, I wonder if he realizes
just how lucky he was.

Now wait a minute.

Just wait one minute.
Something's wrong here.

I know what it is.

If we could just...
Yeah.

That satisfies my
sense of proportion.

Man is not known
by inches alone.

Yeah,
I got something to satisfy
your sense of proportion.

I'm sure you do.

Yeah.

[Girls Screaming]

What the hell is this tonight,
Looney Tunes?

[Screams]

[Gasping]
Oh, Mick.

You should see him.
I messed him up good.

Hang in there.

I got the pig's tooth.

[Brackett] Come on,
step aside. Look out.

[Wheezing]
I think he's got
some broken ribs.

Maybe a collapsed lung.
Billy, get an ambulance.

Well, don't move him.
Don't move him.

Take off his sweater.
Put it behind his head.

That's right, real slow.

[Siren Blaring]

See you guys.

Hey, Ted,
we're going too.

Yeah.

No, you're not.

It's bad enough,
I was going out
of jurisdiction

without adding
a charge of contributing
to the delinquency of a minor.

But we...
No buts, Pee Wee.

I don't want to see
any of you guys get hurt.

[Brian]
Nobody has to get hurt.

What are you
talking about, Brian?

Nobody has to get hurt,
and your career

doesn't have to
be in jeopardy.

Well, I'm all for that.
What do you got in mind?

Look, it doesn't have
to happen tonight, right?

No, it doesn't have
to be done tonight.

Good.

Look, let me talk to you
alone for a second, okay?

Okay.

Count me in.

You could get fired, Coach.

Are you kiddin'?

I gotta be the worst coach
that ever lived.

I'm long gone
after this semester anyway.

And don't call me
Coach anymore.

Call me Roy.
I'm only 23,
for Christ's sake.

You look much older.

Turner, why don't you go
and sit on a snake?

You see that right there?

Porky gimme that
about six years ago.

I've always wanted
a shot at that mother.

I'd like to feed him
his nuts for lunch.

Okay, Brian's got something.

We're gonna get
together at his place,
4:00 Sunday, all right?

What are we gonna do?

Just sit tight.

We're gonna give Porky
a night to remember.

Hey, Brian, where you going?

Do some reconnaissance.

Hey, Brian.
Wait a minute.

Look when we go to Porky's,

do me a favor, okay?

Don't tell 'em
your name is Schwartz.

Those guys are
prejudiced out there.

All right.

What about "Paddy
Aloysius O'Brian"?

Nah. Too Jewish.
Let's not take any chances.

[Car Starts]

All right. What about
"Sean Mulcahy O'Reilly"?

♪♪ [Country-Blues]

[Whispering]
Wait a minute.

Okay, go ahead.

[Clanking]

♪♪ [Continues]
[Chattering]

[No Audible Dialogue]

Okay, thanks.

We're just waiting
for the guys under the bridge.

[Running Footsteps]

[Grunts]
Ow! Oh, shit.

[Shouts]
Shh!

Shh, shh.
Son of a bitch.

Get going.

♪♪ [Continues]

[Pee Wee] Billy! Billy!
Tommy.

[Laughing, Chattering]

[Car Doors Closing]

Okay,
I gotta go relieve Coach.

Everything go all right?

Like a precision drill team.

Thanks. Whoo!

Well.

Good luck, kiddo.
I'll have everything ready.

Get ready for
Jarvis's revenge.

You know, man,
this better work.
Don't worry.

That's all I got
to say, all right?
[Whistles]

[Car Starts]

♪♪ [Car Horn]

There it is.

[Imitates Bird]

They're ready.

What do we do now?

Wait.

All we gotta
do now is wait.

[Knocking]
[Pee Wee] Billy. Billy!

[Imitates Bird]

Billy loves those bird calls.

[Imitates Bird]

[Bird Call]

All right,
now listen, you guys.

If there's any
sign of any guns

or anything,
don't bother hooking us up.

We're getting
the hell out,
all right?

Listen, Billy,
be careful.

[Woman]... never get one
to fit me out of that machine.

Soo-ey! Soo!
Soo, soo, Sooey!

[Man]
What the hell is that?

I wanna see Porky.

Who wants to see Porky?

Tell him the boys
from Angel Beach are here.

Tell him to bring
the best he's got

and meet us in
the parking lot.

[Laughter]
Now.

[Laughter Continues]
[Man] Jesus Christ.

Do you believe that?
Wait a minute. Wait. Wait.

[Singsong Voice] Oh, Porky,
the boys from Angel Beach
are here.

[All Laughing]

All right now, remember.
Any sign of guns
and we're gone, okay?

[Clattering]
Yo. Billy.

Where are these
five little virgins

who think they've
reached manhood?

You wanna
tangle ass with me?

Come up here,
you sawed-off punk.

I'll educate you.
I'll wrap this
right around your damn neck.

Come on, move it.

Oh, boy, Porky,
we're really scared.

You better be.
Get your ass on home.

I guess we better go now.

I hope shit floats.

You'll float if I catch you
around here again.

Bye!
♪♪ [Car Horn]

What are they up to now?
♪♪ [Horn Continues]

[Air Horn Blows]

[Shouting]

[Shouting, Whooping]

All right,
grab everything that kills.

Gun it, Billy! Gun it!
[Indistinct]

[Glasses Rattling, Breaking]
Come on,
Billy, gun it, goddamn it!

Come on, Billy!
[Boy Whooping]

[Indistinct]

[Boy] Go!

Goddamn it!

Come on!

Porky!

[Indistinct] Oh, shit.

[Indistinct]

[Shouting]

[Cheering]
[Whistling]

Don't you son of a bitches
know the difference

between drive and reverse?

I did have it in drive, boss.

Get me out of here.

It's gone.

Porky's is gone.

[Cheers, Applause]

You're dead,
you sons of bitches.

I'm gonna get you.

I'm gonna kill you
with my bare hands.

Hey.

Get that Pigmobile out here.

You're gonna die.
I'm comin' after you.
You're all dead.

I'm gonna break
your fuckin' necks myself.

[Woman Shouting]

[Laughing]

Get their asses.

Shit!

Forget it, Pee Wee.
Come on.

Leave it. Come on.

Go!

You check that car out?

Ain't nothin' wrong
with this car, boss.

Come on, shit for brains.

Come on. Come on.

"Ain't nothin' wrong
with this car, boss."

[Boys Shouting, Whooping]

Yee-hah!

Come on, Billy!

All right, come on!

Step on it! Go!

Pork! Pork!

Come on.

Let's go.

Where the hell were you
when I needed you?

See what those
kids did to my club?
Hit that pig whistle!

[Snorting]

Yee-hah! Go, Billy. Let's go.
We're gonna do it now.

[Snorts]

Come on, Billy.
They're gaining on us.
They're gaining on us.

[Shouting, Whooping]

[Snorting]

All right! All right!
Come on, let's go!

There's the county line,
goddamn it. Step on it!

We're gonna make it.

♪♪ [Marching Band]

[Shouting]
[Crowd Cheering]

[Tires Squeal]

[Porky] I want those
little mothers arrested
and I mean, like, right now.

They just
destroyed my nightclub.

How'd they do that, sir?

They been comin' in there
for the past few weeks.

Which one's been comin' in?

This one, and that
little bastard back there.

This 16-year-old
and this
17-year-old youngster,

have been in
your establishment?
They've been comin' in.

This ain't the first time,
especially that little...

We may have made a mistake.
Obviously they're
not the youngsters.

What are you
talking about, Pork?

The youngsters.

Those boys just
destroyed my station house.

Destroyed two of my cars.

I want them booked
on felony charges,

destruction of
private property,

and assault and battery.
Now, hold on, Sheriff.

Hold on, my ass.

You're in my county now.

I wonder what
I could book you for.

[Laughter]

Let's see.

[Laughing]
Get him, brother!

Broken headlight.
That's a $50 fine
in Seward County.

I got that right here.

[Hooting, Cheering]
[Boy] All right!

Damn.

Blown tire.
That's too bad.

[Hissing]
Broke your radiator.

This car is a mess.

Do it. Do it.

Aw, shit.

Broken hood ornament.

Any questions?

All right, how much you want?

I'll let you
off on the promise

that you'll get your fat ass
back across that county line

and the promise
from your brother
that all peccadillos

that might have
occurred tonight
will be forgotten.

Why don't you
stick it up your...

Promise him.

For Christ sakes, promise him.

I promise to
shove my foot...

Promise him!
Promise him, you asshole,

or you'll be back
shoveling pig shit.

[Muttering]
What's that?
I can't hear you, Sheriff.

I said I promise to...

[Laughter]
I promise.

Now get this car
out of Seward County.

You've blown away our engine.
We got one flat tire. How?

Just put a little
weight behind it.

I'm sure you boys
can manage that.

Okay, you guys,
get your shoulders
behind this thing.

[Cheering]
♪♪ [Marching Band]

Hey, listen up!

It's Tommy and Brian.
Let's go get 'em.

♪♪ [March]
[Cheering, Shouting]

We did it!

T.N.T. T.N.T. Turner.

What a perfect ending.

Yeah, yeah. Perfect.

What's with him?

I'll take care of it.
Take care of that, Mick.

What's wrong
with you, Pee Wee?

For God's sakes,
we just blew up Porky's.
That was my last chance.

Now I'm never
gonna get laid.

Oh, no, you...
Wendy! Wendy.

Come here. Come on.

Don't, Tommy.
Don't make me.

Yeah.
You said if we pulled it off,
you'd break Pee Wee's cherry.

Aw, Turner!

Turner.

A bet's a bet.
Now you gotta pay up.

I should have
gotten better odds.

What do you mean,
"break Pee Wee's cherry"?

Look, Pee Wee,
you wanna get laid or not?

If you're not cherry,
you don't get Wendy.

I'm cherry.

I'm as cherry as
George Washington's tree.

You could put me
on a banana split,
I'm so cherry.

[Laughing]
He's as cherry as they come.

Well?
[Sighs]

Well...
Oh, all right, all right.

Just don't tell anyone.
[Man] We won't tell anybody.

Lucky.

Don't worry.
It'll only take a minute.

All right, Pee Wee.
All right, Pee Wee.
Shh.

[Chuckling] Oh...
Shh!

[Giggling]

Shh. Shh, shh.

[Wendy] Pee Wee!
You idiot!

[Laughter]

Hey, aren't you ready yet?

Shh!
What?

I need a rubber.
Didn't I tell you?

I don't believe this.

Do you have to do
this with my girlfriend?

Sorry.

It's a Ramses.
Curse of the pharaohs.

Hey, Pee Wee.
Hey, Pee Wee.

It fits over your dick.
[Laughter]

[Boy] I wonder
if Pee Wee can use it.

[Laughter]

Shh, shh. Shh, shh, shh.

[Boy] What now, right?

It's too big.
[Laughter]

Pee Wee, we don't have
any training rubbers.

Pee Wee,
tie a knot in this end.

Hey, Pee Wee,
what do you think this is?

The return desk at Macy's?

[Laughing, Chattering]

[Boy] She gonna be asleep.

[Shouting]

[Shouting, Chattering]

God! Shit!

My foot!

Goddamn it!

I saw it!

I'd know that penis anywhere.

I saw it. I saw it.

[Moans] Arrest him.

Arrest him.

I can identify him

positively. [Moans]

I knew you wanted it.
[Imitates Tarzan]

[Whistling, Hooting]

[Screeching]

Ah.

[Cheering, Whistling]

Geez.

English - US - PSDH