Pon un hombre en tu vida (1996) - full transcript

Juan is an aggressive and loud-mouthed football coach; he is at a luxury hotel preparing his team for an important match in a few days time. Belinda is with a group of female singers, also at the hotel. They are completely different characters and take an instant dislike to one another. But in a swimming pool accident they collide, and, nearly dying they recover, but they have exchanged bodies! They are horrified to discover that they are in the wrong bodies, and getting together, they agree that the only way to survive is to co-operate and try to deceive the world into thinking that nothing has happened. But Belinda (in Juan's body) knows nothing about football, and the players just laugh. Juan (in Belinda's body) tries to give tips over a mobile phone. She also visits her fiance about the wedding, but of course the fiance only sees a male body, and there is a surprising moment. Belinda increasingly has second thoughts about the wedding. Juan's musical efforts are equally unsuccessful, but brought together in the stress of trying to survive the situation, Juan and Belinda find themselves increasingly attracted to one another ... and at least between themselves they don't have to pretend to be what they are not.


Come on, guys.

Goyo, a few words for TV.

This must be a very critical
moment for Monterrey.

Sunday's match
against Madrid...

...may mean reIegation
for your team.

Why have you come...

...to EI EscoriaI?

-It isn't to see the sights.
-Mr. Diaz Conde,...

...Iast year your team
was League runner-up.

-Why is it so bad this year?
-We Iike the excitement.

Is Goyo out because of
personaI disagreements?

No, this isn't basketbaII.
You have the wrong sport.

PIease Iet us get past!

-Mr. Diaz Conde, a few words!
-Goyo! Goyo, pIease!

I toId you, no statements
before the game.

I'm Eduardo Huguet,
the hoteI manager.

I insisted that we needed
tranquiIity. Look at this!

I don't understand.

I assure you that...


Look at all this
and I'm such a mess!

The water's IoveIy!

The show is at 8.00
and 11.00, darIing.

We're here to work, right?
No wasting time with women.

I wouIdn't take Iong
with that Iot.

-Which floor?

-Going up.

Just a minute!

-Which floor?

Going up.

So I'm out, eh?

And if I don't play,
who'II score the goaIs?

Apart from Madrid.

We don't need you to Iose,
or to win either.

You're jeaIous.

You'd Iike to be on the fieId,
Iike me, but as you can't...

Look. I swore I'd win
this game...

...or eIse I'd resign.

Take it easy.

No! We couId be reIegated
and you know why?

Because you've been
doing fuck aII!

Second fIoor.

We're not to bIame for your
injury or your insecurity.

Or for your ex-wife
putting a curse on you.

Going up.

There's a rumor that Agatha
has jinxed us, right?

We're about to be reIegated and
we have to pIay ReaI Madrid.

We stiII have one game Ieft.

It'II be aII right.


Fourth fIoor.


We'II aII meet in two hours.

I must try to catch up
on some sIeep now.

TeII Goyo not to bother
joining us.

Going up.

[And, to round off,...]

[...the Iake at EI EscoriaI]
[wiII be a perfect pIace...]

[...to view the meteorite shower]
[which wiII occur tonight.]

[HeIIo, I'm Agatha.]

[Yes. Agatha.]

[The seer.]

[She who has the keys]
[to aII the doors...]


[If you want to know]
[your future.]

Fucking witch!

[And I know that]
[when you kiss me...]

[...I start to take fIight.]


[And a moon that comes down]
[from the Heavens...]

[And I know that]
[when you kiss me...]

Fuck me rigid!

No, thanks.

We didn't ring.

I'm your neighbor,
not a waiter.

Is this a sociaI caII?

Do you think it's normaI
to sing Iike that in a hoteI?

I've sung in worse pIaces.

Do you remember the name
of that cIub in Aranda?


Are you sure?

Have you been...

...in Aranda?
-Of course he has.

Such an interesting man
has been aII over.

Even in the cIub?

Listen, I want to sIeep.

Yes, you do need to.

I need to,
but you won't Iet me.

I won't?

No! Not if you sing!

It so happens I'm a singer.

And it so happens
I want to have a siesta!

It isn't my fauIt
if you sIeep at odd times.

Is it my fauIt if an ego maniac
smeared in mustard...

...starts braying next door?

It isn't mustard.

It's avocado.

Now, if you don't mind...

I'II phone Reception.

Phone, sIeep,...

...but Iearn
to ask for things...

...in a more poIite way.

Aren't you on TV?

Yes, advertising
sanitary toweIs!


What an idiot!

Yeah, but what a hunk!

He's just rude!

Didn't you recognize him?
He's the Monterrey trainer.

I'm annoyed that
he saw me Iike this.

Stop worrying about the first
asshoIe who comes aIong...

...and worry about us.

Just when the group is
taking off, you Ieave us.

Come on, don't start.

She's right.

You're the best singer
we've ever had.

Thanks, Charito.

But after ten years
what have I got?

I have my Iife,
and my friends.

And your career.

What career?

We're on our way.
We made a record.

And who bought it?

It's time for me
to get married.

Ever hear of
the bioIogicaI cIock?

Is your husband
giving you one?

God, that guy is reaIIy
pushing his Iuck now.

Watch this.

-Hi, BeIinda.

It's for you.
From a Iingerie shop.

-Can I see how it Iooks on you?
-Yes, of course you can.


For my wedding night!

Is it sexy?

It wouId make any man,
or any thing, sit up.


Excuse me.

I've got a compIaint.

Someone is trying
to change our sex.

I thought you'd bought it
for me.

You'd Iook sweet in it.

Do you Iove me?

-Of course I Iove you.

I'm the man of your Iife.

The man who's going
to organize my Iife.


Seen the gifts?


From my aunt Margot.

It's horribIe.

-No, it's IoveIy.

It'II Iook great
in the new house.

I haven't Iived in a house
since I was sixteen.

Now, the banquet...

What do you think?

Very pretty.

-The guests are in grey.

Yes. I've onIy aIIowed for 70.
Not many but seIect.

Very seIect.

The musicians are in bIue.

The tabIes in pink.

The Iights in yeIIow.

The staff in bIack.

I think that's it.

What about us?


QuickIy! Don't kick hard!

Mateo, move that baII, dammit!

Come on, do it faster!

Listen, it's onIy four days
untiI the game, you got that?

Come on, do it again.
Don't touch the cone!

Stop doing sit-ups.
Concentrate on press-ups.

I know that Mr. Diaz Conde
is staying in this hoteI,....

...not because I'm a seer,
which I am,...

...but because the team bus
is outside.

If you wouId give me a chance
I'd expIain everything.

Don't bother. Let me speak
to the manager.

To think I was
a conscientious objector.

And so was I.

We'II meet in 30 minutes
to go over tactics.

We'd said an hour.

Are you deaf, MigueI?
I said 30 minutes.

Agatha! I knew it.

Look, you're the boss...

A pIeasure.

It seems you and I have
some unresoIved business.

ProbabIy from...

...a previous encarnation.

Agatha, what a surprise!

MigueI, darIing!

Juan Antonio wiII be sorry
he missed you.

[In my city,...]

[...you know that...]

[...you and I are a pair of...]


[...together in a worId...]

[...of fire and gIass.]

[You and I are not...]

[but neither are we...]

[...quite the same.]

[And I know that...]

[...when you kiss me...]

[...I start to fIy.]

[And a moon that comes down]
[from the Heavens...]

[...starts to shine,...]

[...starts to shine.]

Thank you, everybody.

This is actuaIIy going to be
my fareweII to the group.

After three years together,...

...this wiII be my Iast song.

I want to dedicate it to Ana,...

...to Charito,...

...and to GIoria.

They'II aIways be in my heart.
Thank you very much.

-Listen, he isn't here.
-I saw him come in!

I can smeII him!

DarIing, when wiII you
finaIIy grow up?

What do you want?

Just your signature.

It's my Iast chance...

...to see you.

-You Ieaving?
-Not me.


Now, how can I teII you this
without scaring you?

I saw you in a vision.

How did you see me?


What are you taIking about?

Have you gone crazy?

I'm saying this
with the best of intentions.

A vioIent death,
but fast and painIess.

-So if you wouIdn't mind...
-I won't sign a thing!

I have a Ioad of probIems...

...and now you teII me
I'm going to die.

HoId it!


Thank you for the duet.

Thank you so much
but I prefer to sing aIone.

WouId you Iike the mike?

-You want to say something?

You're prettier
without mustard on your face.

CouId I have your autograph?

Me too, Mr. Diaz Conde.

If there's one thing I hate...

...it's soccer.


Are you in a bad mood?

An idiot ruined
my performance tonight.

From Monday, that's aII over.

No more troubIe
with bores Iike that.

You think I have no taIent.

Of course you have taIent,
but the music worId is tough.

Then I'm a coward.

No, a reaIist.

You think so?

WiII you take me
to Niagara FaIIs?


Let's rehearse
our wedding night.

We've been rehearsing
for three months.

But not in the pooI.



-Come on, pIease.

When did you Iast
do something crazy?

Remember, I'm not
just the manager.

I'm aIso the owner's son.

Throw it in the water.

I can't.

I won't be Iong.

You'II have to get wet.

AII right, I wiII.

Fuck! What happened?

I might have known!
Are you foIIowing me?

You're everywhere,
Iike the HoIy Spirit!

-Who swims at this time?
-That's what I say!

You couId at Ieast have Iooked
before you dived in.

I feeI odd.




Why are we in two pIaces
at once?



My ex-wife.

What about her?

She toId me I wouId die.

What do you mean?

Don't be frightened, but...

...it's very IikeIy
that we're dead.

That's impossibIe!
That's impossibIe!

I'm getting married on Sunday.

PIease! PIease!
Get me out of here!

Get me out of here!

Hey, Iisten! You have to...
Can't you hear me?

You have to heIp...

My God!

Reception? Listen,
there's been an accident!

Yes! CaII an ambuIance!

My God!

What are you waiting for?
We're drowning!

At Iast!

-HeIp me!
-What happened, boss?

What about me?

HeIp me.

-WiII I give her mouth-to-mouth?
-No, I'II do that.

What about me? Come on!

Boss, heIp me,
he's a fucking dead weight.

No, idiot! Lift my head
out of the water!

It's the Monterrey trainer.

Fuck, so it is.

Boss, I support Madrid.

ShouId I save him?

This can't be
happening to me!

Fuck me rigid!

She's awake.

What a fright!
We thought you were...


You've been in a coma
for 12 hours.

But it's aII right now.

We thought you were a goner.

You Iot!

But then you got better.

The doctors were amazed.

TypicaI you,
Iooking for attention.

I'm dreaming.

Don't harass her.

She's stiII upset.

Don't worry,
after a night's rest,...

...you'II be fine.

Terrific. Like never before.

-Yes, Iike never before.
-Take this.

What I need is a cigarette.

-You don't smoke!
-What do you know?

No smoking.

Hands off!

Guess what? You had
the accident with a ceIebrity.

With the guy from the hoteI.

With that animaI,
the soccer trainer.

Where is he?

[Recovery I.C.U.]


Where are you going?

Where are you going?

Where are you going?

-You can't come in here.
-Shut the fuck up!

What is this?

Get out of here!

-How? I can't.

I'm sorry, I don't understand.

Am I going to die?

How shouId I know?

No, I mean is he going to die?

It's hard to say, Iove,
because he's in a coma.

Is he cIose to you?

He couIdn't be cIoser.

Maybe the bIow
affected her head.

That's her Ieast fragiIe part.

How the fuck can I get back
to the hoteI in these cIothes?

Now what's wrong?

I think you Iook great.

And your Eduardo wiII be
waiting for you Iike a Iost souI.

He sat up with you aII night.

My Eduardo?
Do I have an Eduardo?

AbsoIuteIy not!
Give me back my body!

-I can't go out Iike this.
-Mr. Diaz Conde...

Stop caIIing me mister.
Where's my body?

And pIease don't teII me
that it's a medicaI error!

You don't care but I'm getting
married on Sunday.

So where's my body?

You've just come out of a coma
and you're confused.

Have you seen a girI here?

-A redhead...
-Take him back to his room.

Don't dare touch me!

Don't dare touch me!

-BeIinda, where are you going?
-The van is doubIe parked!

Before you start
jumping around again,...

...shut up and Iisten to me.

Don't scream.

I'm Juan Antonio Diaz Conde
and I'm inside your body.

You, who are inside mine,
are the singer.

Yes, I'm BeIinda.


We've changed chassis.


Listen, we were on the point
of dying in the swimming pooI.

My souI separated from my body,
and so did yours.

But you disappeared
with that Iight.

I saw it too. I got scared,
tried to get back in my body...

...and I made a mistake.

What do you mean?

I got back in the wrong one.

You've stoIen my body?

I got confused!

Did you aIways want to be
a girI, or what?

Me? I hate being a girI!

WeII, I feeI as if I'm inside
a robot.

A hairy one.

You know how a man feeIs
sitting down for a Ieak?

No, and give me back what's
mine, my wedding's on Sunday.


-Have you seen Eduardo?

I'm going to caII him.

To say what?

To teII him that
a footbaII trainer...

...is on a tour inside
his girIfriend?

He'II beIieve me.

What if he does?

How wiII you marry?

In white.

With size 9 shoes
and hairy Iegs, right?

I can shave.

OnIy one person can heIp us.


Weren't you in a coma?

We both were.


Your ex-husband and I.

You aren't weII.

I'm Juan Antonio.

And he...

...is she.

That is...

...me. You understand?

In the accident,
our souIs Ieft our bodies...

...and got mixed up.

You're just making aII this up
to avoid signing the papers!

Stop thinking of yourseIf
for one minute!

Don't use that tone with me!

It's aII you understand.

How do you know?

I know aII about you.

You sIeep with a mask,...

...you use ChaneI Nº 5,
and you're aIIergic...

...to peaches.


You toId aII my secrets
to the first whore you met!

No, I'm him!

Fuck me rigid!

Now what do you say?

Who am I?

Juan Antonio!

At the Iast parapsychoIogicaI
congress I attended,...

...we studied a simiIar case.

Two nuns had a car accident
and exchanged personaIities.

Something simiIar
happened to you.

Your astraI bodies...

...got aII mixed up.

He got aII mixed up.

And his body was the onIy
pIace my souI couId go to.

WeII, never mind that now.

This is a map of EI EscoriaI.


...is the Iake.

Here is the Monastery.

Here is your hoteI.

This area...

...is an epicenter
of magnetic energy.

In such pIaces,...

...paranormaI events
are very common.

Yes, EI EscoriaI has

...Iike the Bermuda TriangIe
or Loch Ness.

Yeah, and the fucking
Madrid soccer stadium!

Look, take this seriousIy
or eIse I'm giving up the case!

AII right. I'II even beIieve
in Santa CIaus again...

...if necessary.

-When did the accident happen?

My watch stopped at 2.49.
It must have been just then.

That's very interesting.

Agatha, cut out the drama.

I'II do as I want,
I'm a professionaI!

I must phone some coIIeagues
and check out a few things.

If I find the answer
I'II go to your hoteI tonight.

ShaII we say
12.00 at the pooI?

[The best thing wouId be...]

[...for us to stay in our rooms]
[untiI Agatha brings the answer.]

[The important thing is]
[that no one shouId see us.]


-Take it easy.
-I can waIk on my own.

That's a gorgeous wiggIe
you have, baby.

Go fuck yourseIf!

Juan Antonio!

You're aII right!

And you're here!

It's a miracIe!

Come on, they're waiting.

-Who is?
-Yes, who?

I caIIed a press conference.

-A press conference? No way!
-Yes, no way.




WeII, he can't appear
dressed Iike that.

Yes, and just Iook...

...at my hair.

It's Diaz Conde!

Guys, we'II be in the room
in two minutes.

It's down the haII.
No photos.


My Iove!

It's Diaz Conde.

Are they aII here for me?

Listen, for once in your Iife,
be tactfuI with the press.

You must be in form
for my parents.

Our future depends on it.

Remember, if they Iike you,...

...they'II put me in charge
of their best hoteI.

You must win them over, darIing.

I Iove you.

I had an odd sensation.
Didn't you?

Very odd.

Good morning.
PIease forgive the deIay.

But, as you see,
it was worthwhiIe.

Juan Antonio is here,...

...fuIIy recovered, and ready
to take over the team again.

So, when you're ready...

Easy questions, pIease.
I'm stiII convaIescing.

Juan, are you feeIing aII right?

If I get stuck, take over.

-Mr. Diaz Conde,...

...we've heard reports
about a stay in hospitaI.

WeII, it's absoIuteIy true that
I had a very sIight concussion.

I didn't have a faceIift.

But now I'm super.


You had time to refIect
in hospitaI.


Have you reconsidered
your defensive pIay,...

...given its faiIure?

WeII, if it's a faiIure,...


I won't change.

Can you advance the Iine-up?

The Iine-up?

Yes, I think I'II advance
the Iine-up a IittIe.

WeII, as far as the other
team's goaI posts...

...at Ieast.

Is Goyo pIaying?


Your star.

Remember, it cost your cIub
miIIions to sign him up.

In that case,
of course he'II pIay.

He gets paid.

They'II aII pIay.


AII that are needed.

Aren't your tactics...

...too orthodox, considering
ReaI Madrid's power?

ReaI Madrid?
Are we pIaying against them?

Aren't they good?

Are you in form for training?

Am I in form?
ReaIIy, the doubt is an insuIt.

WiII you start tomorrow?


I onIy wish...

...they were as interested
in my music.

-You know what?

You'II have to train
the team for me tomorrow.

No, forget it, I know
nothing about soccer.

BeIinda, I beIieve you.
I heard you just now.

Now what's up?

It's the first time
you've said my name.

What about it?

Nothing, it surprised me,
that's aII.

Yes, weII, BeIinda,...

...we're going into my room now
to prepare tomorrow's training.

Come on, I can't train the team.
They'II reaIize I'm an imposter.

They haven't yet.
Where are you going?

Excuse me, I need to shower,
wash my hair.

I don't even have cIean panties.

I've got everything you need.

Have you got cIeanser?

And restorer with coIIagen?
And nourishing night cream?

-No, I don't.
-WeII, then, come on.

Get what you need and Iet's go.



That creep!

What is aII this?

It was meant to be a hen party
but maybe we're in the way.

I'd forgotten. Thank you!

Your date...

...is getting very fresh.

What's he doing?

-Juan Antonio!

The party is supposed
to be for me.

Accidents can often
unite peopIe.

Never mind aII that now,
we stiII have Ioads to do.

You can't wear that
to your party.

You must dress up.

This wouId Iook better.


You're such a misery.
It's gorgeous! Put it on.

Me? No way!
I'II wear it another day.

No, now. You can't go to your
hen party Iike that.

No, fuck it!

I'm not going to strip off
in front of...

-Try tickIing her.
-Come on.

No guys in here!


Excuse me.

I have the wrong...

Is BeIinda here?

Yes, come in.

We have to taIk very seriousIy.

You and I?


Look, what I'm going to say
wiII sound Iike science fiction...


Where have you been?

You don't want to know where
a woman is 24 hours a day.

This is a hen party.
We don't want men here.

They don't want men.

Sorry, those are the ruIes
of the game, guys.

-Hi, there.
-Enjoy yourseIves.

You'II take advantage
of my friends.

Want to train my team?

I aIready said no.

And I do what I want.


Who needs men around?


Can I come inside?

You're just Iike
you used to be.

I'm so happy.

-Know what?

We were reaI worried.

Let's drink to that.

Don't ever change.

For me, you're the ideaI woman.

You're not bad either.

-I reaIIy Iove you.

Even that karate guy
never kissed me Iike that!

Did you Iike it?

-I don't know!

Come out.

It's time for your gift.

Give it to me Iater.
I'm happy in here.

No way. Come on,
your gift is aII ready.

-Come on out.
-Let's go.

Go and sit over there.

You'II see.

What a hunk!

Wow, what a body!

Like it?

It's driving me crazy.

She's changed
since the accident.

No, she'II come back to normaI,
she wiII, reaIIy.

BeIinda is an extraordinary
girI, fuII of Iife,...

...and pretty.

Very pretty.

Your foIks wiII Iove her.

I hope so. They don't trust
my taste in women.

After your first wife...

How do you know?

I guessed.

Who hasn't had a first wife?


A champagne cocktaiI
and a dry martini, no oIive.

How do you know?

-The oIive.

-I know so much about you.

Eduardo, you have a moIe
just above your naveI.

You cIose your eyes
when you're kissed.

You whisper things
when you make Iove.


I'm sorry.

-I reaIIy have to...
-No, don't go now, pIease.

You're scared and so am I.
This is new for me.


My pager!

Ignore it!

I can't!
This is on me. So Iong.

So, how was my hen party?

Your friends were aII set for me
to nibbIe that guy's wrist!

WeII, weII!

You're Iike two Iovebirds
in the moonIight.

Got the answer?

I think so.

Stagnant water.
Hydrogen and oxygen.

We extrapoIate
the eIements,...

...generate a miIIion
quantum atoms...

...and reIease eIectromagnetic
energy. You get it?

Let's see. Between the astraI
body, the spirit,...

...and the physicaI body,
the body,,...

...is an umbiIicaI cord,...

...the siIver thread,
broken onIy by death.

Your bodies were immersed...

...in a negative energy medium
so the threads didn't break.

They got entangIed, as it were.
You get it?

No matter.
When the moon changes...

...the energies wiII
be inverted.

When is that?

You're in Iuck.

If the accident happened
on Tuesday night at 2.49,...

...the transfer of spirits must
be done on Saturday night,...

...with the fuII moon,...

...at the same time,
under the same conditions.

We have to drown again?

I'm not going back to the ICU.

And if we reaIIy die?

The eternaI optimist!

No, he's right.

What if we do it
and it doesn't work?

If it doesn't work,
I'II give him back his money.

What money?

DarIing, the cost
of three nights...

...in the royaI suite
of this hoteI.

You married me to ruin me.

No, because I Ioved you.

Stop arguing,...


Must it be Saturday?

I'm marrying Eduardo
on Sunday.

It must be Saturday.

Of course, same-sex marriages
are getting very popuIar now.


Did you hear everything?

Did you understand?

I think so.

But I'd be reIieved
if you said I was mistaken.

No, you aren't mistaken, Iove.

She is he,
and he is she.

Eduardo, sit down.

You must make an effort.

Try to Iook inside me.

Transcend the physicaI body.

I can't! I can't!

I'm trying to Iook inside,
but the outside...

It puts you off.

Yes. Forgive me, but...

No, I understand.

But the thing is, I'm a guy.

And I'm your future wife.

OnIy untiI Saturday, Iove.

But my parents are
coming tomorrow to meet you.

Can't you teII them
to postpone the trip?

They're on their way.

We have to do something.


A pact.


I'II meet your in-Iaws
if you train my team.

What do you say?

I'm speechIess.

And you?

I say I wouIdn't miss this
for anything in the worId!

Mark Lazaro!

Keep him covered!

Try another one!

Very good.

It's going fine.

But shout more.

TeII that fucker Mateo...

...to move on.

-PIease, move on.

Thank you.

My pIeasure.

What is this?
The debutantes' baII?

Show some fucking authority!

-Show them who's boss.
-Leave me aIone!

Quit shouting.

TaIking to me?

I didn't speak.

No, it wasn't to you.
I was taIking to myseIf.

It reIaxes me.

How many hoteIs
does your famiIy have?

WeII, there are six here,
two in Mexico,...

...one in BaIi,
one in Costa Rica...

I've aIways dreamed
of Iiving in a hoteI.

There was a TV series
caIIed ''HoteI''.

Anne Baxter was the owner,
she Iived in the penthouse.

-Mr. Diaz Conde...
-HeIIo, Iove.

How is she?

Not bad for a girI.

What a Iuxury for a woman,
aII those men at her command!

Mr. Diaz Conde,
we have to go.

My parents wiII be arriving,
we have to get ready.

I'm going...

...to the hoteI now.

TeII MigueI that
he's to supervise...

...their exercises.

What is Goyo doing?

He's showing off. TeII him
to pass it to the forward.

Goyo! Pass it on!

Fucking pass it!

You don't have to shout.

Goyo, I'm sorry to insist...

Stop the game!
BIow your whistIe!

Stop it! Stop everything!

CaII them over!

-Wearing a bra annoys him.
-He'II have a heart attack.

Juan Antonio.

Now, throw that idiot
out of the training session.

Here, they pIay Iike I say...

...or get out.

Juan Antonio...

WeII? What is it?

TeII him he has to pIay
with the team.

He isn't paid
to do fancy tricks!

TeII him I'II kiII him!

I don't know.

I just thought
you might be tired,...

...and you'd Iike some

Quit pussyfooting.

You want me to go,
don't you?


It's onIy a siIIy game.

Or so I say.

This team needs...

...onIy two things.

A bit of common sense
and diaIog.

So we're going to start with
some reIaxing yoga exercises.

We'II sit down
and spend a whiIe...

...doing two things.

Breathing air in,...

...and breathing it out.

Sit down with me.

Come on!

You too, MigueI.

Now what's she at?

We breathe in...

...and then we breathe out.

The onIy reaI probIem is
that their moraIe is awfuI.

Whose probIem is that?

Juan Antonio's.

Before that injury wrecked
your career, we were friends.

Was my career ruined?

You know you never got over
having to retire so young.

-It was very difficuIt.
-It's no reason to fuck us up!

Why don't you train them?

You aIways teII me
I'm second rate.

-Do I say that?

He's such an ass!

And now you're giving them
yoga cIasses!

-Is that wrong?
-No, it isn't.

But I'm reaIIy pissed off.
And as for the guys...

And you're odd!

No, you're not odd.
You're a bit strange.

No, don't Iaugh.

If you said it was a tactic...
But I don't get it.

It's a tactic.

Right, guys.

You hear me?

Let's try to cheer up.

I don't know, why doesn't
someone teII a joke?

FirstIy, I want
to thank you both...

...for your effort
and assistance.

If tonight we have to act
Iike a coupIe of...

...a coupIe of Iovers,
we'd better get acquainted.

Good idea.
WiII I put on the music?

Yeah, Iet's get it over with.

Five years trying to teach you
to dance and now...

-You're enjoying this.
-If you knew how much.

Dad adores the cha-cha.

Not your version.

PIease don't be ironic tonight.

And don't smoke.
Mom can't stand it.

I'II be modest, sweet,

...a bit stupid and fucking
feminine. Isn't that the idea?


It's a bit embarrassing,
but shaII we practice?

WeII, I thought
you wouId never ask.

You can taIk to Mom
about the wedding,...

...your dress, the house,
and about operettas.

And to your father
about my gynecoIogist.

If you don't mind,
I think that...

...I shouId Iead.

It's Iike teaching a hippo
to dance ''Swan Lake''!

Very funny.

But you dance reaI weII.

You aren't bad either.

-Am I in the way?
-Shut up and dance.


You're earIy.
How was the journey?

AwfuI. You know I hate
coming to Madrid.

-You Iook IoveIy!
-How are you?

You Iook thinner.

Are you worried?

No, everything's fine.

It isn't a big hoteI
but it's a great hoteI.

The first 4 star in our group.

-It's fuII. What do you think?
-A bad time for a honeymoon.

-And where's your fiancée?

Who is this?

They're much younger than
in the photos you showed me.

You showed our photos
to this gentIeman?

-WeII, he's...
-We're friends.

If you're going upstairs,...

....teII BeIinda
Mom and Dad are here.

Isn't he a footbaIIer?

Yes, he's Mr. Diaz Conde,
the trainer.


More Iike a governess.

Who is it?

Juan Antonio.

Juan Antonio, she says!

Your in-Iaws...
No, my in-Iaws are here.

Look at you!

I've never Iooked...

...so awfuI.
-Thank you.

I've spent the whoIe
fucking afternoon...

...trying to put on this thing!

At this rate,...

...I'II be on 10 pairs a day.

Look, this is crazy.

Juan Antonio.

I'm begging you.

This means a Iot.

AII right.

AII this fuss
about getting married.

And it never works.

What are you Iooking at?

-Just a bit at a time, pIease.
-Yes, a bit at a time.

AII right, that's it.
That's it.

Fuck me rigid!

Throw your hair back.

-Shit, that's hot!

That Iooks much better.

It's far too tight!

Now, show some styIe.


-You'II tear my ear off.
-I wiII if you keep moving.

Let me see.

-How do I Iook?

Do this.


-I prefer them darker.
-What do you know?

Fucking heII!
I Iook fantastic!

Thanks for the compIiment.

Look, but don't touch.

Juan Antonio!

I'm getting into the part,
Iike Robert de Niro.

When I do things,
I do them weII.

WeII, it's time to go.

Don't Iet me down.

-There she is!
-She's very pretty.

So was the other one.


...I'd Iike you to meet Mom...

...and Dad.

How are you?

ShaII we eat?

First things first.

ShaII we dance?

Excuse me, miss,
but you're Ieading.

I Iearned with my sister
and I was aIways the man.

Character on the dance fIoor
is character in Iife.

I think your father is aII ready
to promote you to a 5 star.

You've got naturaI rhythm.

And with a pretty girI...

...I get revved up right away.

-Do you Iike footbaII?
-I'm crazy about it.

And it isn't the onIy thing
I'm crazy about.

I support Monterrey.

You must be fed up
with them this season.

No, they'II win on Sunday.

With that trainer?
I don't think so.

I met him this evening.

-Now I understand everything.

His tactic of defensive pIay,
his Iack of attacking abiIity.

Rescue her before your father
Ieaves her breathIess.

Your father Iooks serious
but he's a tiger.

It's a famiIy trait.

Sounds promising!

Change partners!

-So soon?
-It's for your prostate, Dad.


How was it?

Like fighting with
a giant octopus.

You've won them over.

The reaI BeIinda couIdn't have
done better.

WeII, weII, weII!


I aImost regret having
divorced this body.

-How is it going?
-I think we won round one.

-WiII we go over?

Change partners!

[One step this way,...]

[...one step that way,...]

[...Ieave aside your probIems]
[and dance cha-cha-cha.]

You'II be stuck in MarbeIIa
and you'II breed non-stop.

-What a future!
-It's none of your business.

I'm getting fond of this body.

I care what you do with it.

And I care what
you do with yours.

At Ieast I do what I want.

Perhaps, but...

...you do it badIy.

[Leave aside your probIems]
[and dance cha-cha-cha.]

Just Iook at your team.

What about my team?

They Iack affection,...




[Just take it easy]
[and dance cha-cha-cha.]

[And dance cha-cha-cha.]

Are you marrying Eduardo
for Iove?

You'II fIatten Madrid.

Thank you very much.

Good evening.

With your permission,...

...I'd Iike to invite
our ex-companion,...


...to come up...

...and sing a song...

...with us.

A song that she wiII...


...want to dedicate...

...to some very speciaI
new acquaintances.


Do sing something.

No, I don't think so.
This isn't the right time.

Don't force her.

If she doesn't want to...

Yes, the truth is...

I don't know...

I've been so nervous aII day...

I insist that you sing.

We want a song!

BeIinda, come up!

We want a song!
We want a song!

What's it to be?

The Monterrey anthem?

Confuzione d'amore.

One, two,...

...three, and...

Madrid wiII win?


Say once more that Madrid
wiII win and...

It was incredibIe!

He was at Ieast 200 pounds
and I knocked him over.


So you found an advantage
to being a man.

And you enjoyed
being a woman.


Admit you were
Iike a peacock...

...every time any man
Iooked at you.

The women were ogIing you.
And I'm not at aII surprised.

That tuxedo...

...reaIIy suits you.

Back to training!

Tomorrow I want you
to practice corners.

I have an idea for fouI kicks.

Manzano is our expert
in causing fouIs.

Wait a minute.
Look at this.

If the fauIt is in his area...

Here are the goaI posts,
and this is the area.

The men on the other team
wiII Iine up as a barrier.

Then Mateo, who's our man,...

...goes right in.

What's up?

It's just that I Iook funny
taIking about footbaII.

-And now what is it?
-You're bIushing, Juan Antonio.

Stop giving me a hard time.

I'm sorry.

I'm risking everything on
this game, everything!

And it happens that I'm risking
a Iot on this wedding too.

Drop that subject.
It annoys me.

-Fuck those high heeIs!
-Let me heIp you.

Let me heIp you!

Make the most of it.
They're newIy waxed.

The truth is, my Iegs
aren't bad at aII.

A bit higher, pIease.


What's wrong?

I think I'm having an erection.

It's awfuI! What do I do?

You couId have a coId shower.

No, no, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

-I can see big troubIe ahead.

-It's Iike I was kissing myseIf.
-CIose your eyes.

[AIthough ReaI Madrid]
[seem assured...]

[...of an easy victory]
[over Monterrey,...]

[...the Madrid team]
[is training hard...]

Good morning.

What's good about it?

I know that face.
You sIept badIy.

I'm not surprised,
the way you snore,

-It's your body that snores.
-Yeah, weII, no matter.

I don't know who I am.

But I know I sIept with a man.

No, I sIept with myseIf!

WeII, I Iiked it.

But there's aII this fuss...

...about the maIe orgasm
and it's no big deaI.

-I won't taIk about Iast night.
-Then don't, but it happened.

It happened!

CaII the team doctor!

-What's wrong?
-I'm very sick!

You poor thing. I don't think
the doctor can do much.

-What? Have I had this before?
-Once a month.

It's disgusting!

Don't make such a fuss over it.
It happens to aII women.

It turns my stomach.

FoIIow the instructions.

-And why are you so happy?
-Because I've taken a decision.

What is it?

I'm not getting married.

Why not?

I feeI that I'm not in Iove
with Eduardo.

Is it because of me?

Are you not marrying him
because of me?

I'II teII you that when
we've changed bodies.

I've got a probIem.

WeII, actuaIIy I've got severaI.

The game is tomorrow.

A girI singer
is training my team.

I've got my period,
and I think I Iike a man.

You aIways said you couIdn't
Iive with a woman.

Maybe with a man...

My body's controIIing me.

I bIush,...

...and I want to cry.

DarIing, those are feeIings.
Something totaIIy new...

...for you.

Is someone with you?

Who do you take me for?

My Iovers are my business.

-Not yours.
-You're right.


Mr. Diaz Conde.

I know this is a very
embarrassing situation,...

...having an affair on the eve
of my wedding but...

I can quite understand.

WeII, I see that you're
a man of the worId.

That fact is
I have no regrets.

What about the wedding?

WeII, I...

My parents are here.
My famiIy have come aIong.

No, don't worry about me.
Of course he's getting married.

To her.

No probIem.

It was great fun.

It was more than that.

I trust in your discretion.

A wonderfuI human being,
but a coward, Iike aII men.

You must heIp me, Agatha.

Why, you're trembIing!

BeIinda's in Iove with me.

And you with her?

That doesn't matter.

HeIp me.

Pay me and I'II heIp you.

Manzano to JarandiIIa.

Before Manzano shoots,...

...Mateo sIips in
and his opponent says...

...''What's he up to?''
JarandiIIa shoots,...

...Mateo drops down


That's one of our tactics.

But remember,...

...tactics aren't everything.

Have you ever been in Iove?





That's how you have to pIay

No tactics, no pressure.

You have to pIay as if
you were doing it...

...for the girI
you're in Iove with.

What if we've never
been in Iove?

Imagine that your dream girI
wiII be at the game.

It's your first encounter.

What do you want?

To pIay with no enthusiasm,
Iooking annoyed, fed up...

...and, on top of that, Iose?

No, because she'II faII
for one of the other team.

I'm serious now.

The Iove of your Iife appears
when you Ieast expect it.

She may be at the game,
she may be...

...watching you on TV,...

...or at the bottom of a pooI.

But tactics shouIdn't be
ignored either, so...

MigueI, why don't
you expIain to them?

-Yes, sure.


Come on.

Very weII.

I'm sure you remember
how we pIayed Iast year.

4 - 4 - 2.

The first 20 minutes
we have to be carefuI.

There'II be a Iot of pressure.
Laudrup won't move,...

Juan Antonio?

Good evening.

BeIinda, are you there?





It's aImost time...

Listen, don't Iook at me
Iike that.

After Iast night I had
to reaffirm my sexuaIity.

How couId you?

You want detaiIs?

You're a pig!



BeIinda, we're inside bodies
that aren't ours.

In a Iife...

...that isn't ours.
And you can't...

...abandon aII your pIans...

...because of one night.

You're not my dream man,...

...nor I yours.

You've exceIIed yourseIf.

It's best for both of us.

For aII that happens to you,
you stiII never Iearn.

Quite Iecturing me
and take your money.

Hi, there.

You aII right?

Neither am I.

An odd wedding eve, isn't it?

Come on, don't worry.
Everything wiII get sorted out.

In two days,
we'II be at Niagara FaIIs,...

...Iaughing about this.

Last night I was
at Niagara FaIIs.

Come on, it's Iate.
You must be in the water...

...at 2.49 sharp.

This is your Iast chance.
Are you sure about this?


-There's no water!

Your father...

...toId me to cIean it.

And no one was using it.

Was I wrong?

We onIy have 5 minutes.
There's no time to fiII it.

-We must have water!
-Can't we use the shower?

It must be stagnant.

-Is there another pooI near?

WouId the Iake do?

Yes, it wouId!
But it's very far away.

Come on!

Get in the car!

Hey, my motorbike!

One minute Ieft.
They won't make it.

The Iake!

Eight seconds Ieft!

We won't make it!


-They've kiIIed themseIves.
-That's the idea.

Want nothing more from me?

-Have you swapped back?
-Are you aII right?

[The atmosphere here]
[is wonderfuI.]

[The Bernabeu Stadium]
[is packed out today.]

[It seems that the events]
[of this Iast week...]

[...invoIving the Monterrey team]
[and their trainer...]

[...have strengthened]
[interest in the game.]

[Monterrey must win]
[to avoid reIegation...]

[...but it's going to be]
[very difficuIt for them.]

[We'd aII Iove to know]
[what's going on...]

[...in the Monterrey]
[changing rooms.]

Come on, guys, Iet's get them!

-What the fuck are they doing?
-What you toId them to do.

I toId them to act Iike they were
chatting up the other team?

WiII I wear my shirt
outside or inside?


Come on, guys, it's time!

Come on, Iet's go!
Good Iuck everyone!

Enjoy yourseIves!

I've got no idea
how you did it.

Their moraIe is higher than ever.

We're going to win!

You take care of it.


Guide them through.

Without you?

You're as good
or better than I am.

Hang on, I'm just second rate.
Fuck, don't do this to me!

-Say, I beIieve in me.
-I beIieve in me.

No, I beIieve in me.

-I beIieve in me!
-In what I'm going to do!

In what I'm going to do!

And now imagine that the
woman of your Iife is out there.

Has my mother come
to see the game?

Come on!

I'm going after mine.

...for we are members
of His body.

That is why the man
wiII Ieave his father...

...and mother,...

...and join in one
with his wife.

This is a mystery...


This wedding can't go on.

Excuse me, I haven't
asked the question yet.

Agatha! What is this?

You wrecked my first marriage.
WiII you wreck this one too?

BeIinda and I broke up.

You broke up?

You reaIIy broke up?

Yes, yes, they broke up!

And I'II break you up
if you don't be quiet!

-Don't Dad me!

I've had enough aIready
with my son's behavior!


Where's BeIinda?

How about a break?

-Yeah, I need one urgentIy.
-So do I.

-Are you getting out?
-In a minute.

-Are you aII right?
-Yes, I'm aII right.

[The environment is amazing.]

[The entrance to the Barnabeu]
[Stadium is packed.]

[The events encompassing...]

[Monterrey have added interest]
[to this decisive game.]

[Monterrey couId Iose]
[the League.]

[What couId be happening]
[in the Iocker room.]


That's enough!

I've been chasing you
for two hours!

WiII you stop!

I've stopped! Now what?

Now what? I'm here, aren't I?

-So what if you are?
-So what?

I shouId be there!

And I shouId be there too!


ExactIy what?

We're both here.


Fuck, BeIinda!

-Get out of my Iife.
-If onIy I couId, but I can't!

I can't share anything with
a guy as stupid as you!

AII right, I'm stupid.

But I Ieft the game.

That game was far more mine
than yours.

Do you feeI as I do?

I mean, as if haIf of you
were missing?

I feeI Iike that, dammit!
Fuck me rigid!

Do you know what
you reaIIy need to do?

-Do you?

Put a man in your Iife.


[A goaI by Goyo]
[two minutes before the end!]

[What a magnificent goaI!]