Plaza Suite (1971) - full transcript

Uh, Mrs. Sam Nash,
suite 719?

The house phones

are on the other side
of the elevators.

Oh, I'm Mrs. Nash.
I'm checking in.

Oh.

Suite 719.

Uh, one moment,
Mrs. Nash.

I phoned in Thursday morning
for a reservation.

719... it has to be 719.

Yes, Mrs. Nash.
Here it is.

Does it say 719?



Yes, ma'am.
Front!

It's our 24th anniversary.

That's where we spent
our honeymoon... suite 719.

Oh. Congratulations.

Thank you.

Would you show Mrs. Nash
to her room, please?

Certainly.

It's suite 719.

May I take that, ma'am?

Thank you.

It's this way,
right?

Yes, ma'am.

See?
I remembered.

You like
working here?



Yes, ma'am.

Anything new
about those rumors?

What rumors?

That the plaza's
being torn down.

This plaza?

I didn't hear that.

They probably want
to keep it quiet.

From the staff,
but the story is,

They're going
to tear down the plaza.

And put up a 52-story
luxury hotel.

Why? This is
a luxury hotel.

Yeah, but it's
an old luxury hotel.

Today,
it's got to be new.

Old is no good anymore.

All I really care about
is tonight.

Yes, ma'am.

This is it...
suite 719.

Oh, my God!

Where's the Savoy hotel?

Ma'am?

The Savoy hotel.

They tore down the Savoy
a few years ago.

Well, shows you how often
I get in the city.

That's the way
they do things today.

If it's old
and it's beautiful,

It's not there
in the morning.

Will that be all,
ma'am?

Yes. Thank...

Oh, no.
Oh, wait a minute.

Oh, dear.

I'm sorry.

Just a minute.

Uh, all right.

Here you are.

Thank you, ma'am.

I don't usually give
dollar tips,

But this is my anniversary,
so I can be a sport.

Oh, well,
congratulations.

Thank you, dear.
24 years ago tonight,

I spent my honeymoon
in this room.

I bet you weren't
even born 24 years ago.

No, I was born.

You know
what I was? 25.

You know what that makes
me today? Some old lady.

Well, you certainly
don't look like an old lady.

Well, have a pleasant
stay, ma'am,

And happy anniversary.

Thank you, dear.

And take my advice...

Don't rush, but look around
for another job.

Yes, ma'am.

Oh, you are definitely
some old lady.

Oh.

Operator?

Could I have
room service, please?

Uh!

Oh, no, operator, I was
just groaning to myself.

I'm sorry.

Hello, room service?

This is Mrs. Sam Nash
in suite 719,

And I would like a cold bottle
of imported French champagne

and a tray
of hors d'oeuvres.

Oh, listen, room service,

Don't give me
any anchovies, please.

I can't stand anchovies.

Could you put anything else
you have on there.

And... and no anchovies?

Right.

Mrs. Sam Nash, 719,

No anchovies.

Right.

They'll give me anchovies.

Mrs. Sam Nash, please.

Nash. Right.

All right.

Well, you've still got
a fighting chance.

Hello?

Hello?

Sam!

When did you get here?

Did anyone call?

Look, do me a favor,
will you?

I haven't eaten
since this morning.

Will you call
room service for me?

I want a plate
of cold roast beef...

Medium-rare, very lean.
Have you got that?

Yes, sir.
I've got it...

Very lean, no fat.

Sam, guess what room
we're in?

Guess.

Suite 719.

Remember? 719.

That's right.

719.

He doesn't remember.

Hello?

Hello?

Oh, hello,
Miss McCormack.

No, he isn't here.
He's on his way up.

Oh.

I was hoping he wouldn't have
to think about work tonight.

He seems so tired lately.

Oh, my god! I still
have my galoshes on.

Yes.

I will, dear.

As soon as
he comes in, okay?

All right.

Good-bye, dear.

Operator, could I have
room service again, please?

Watch your step, please.

Oh, uh, 719, this way?

That way, sir.

This way. Thank you.

And please,
for my sake,

Make it very lean
roast beef.

Thank you.

Oh, damn it.

Just a minute.

You had to wear galoshes
today, didn't you?

All right.
Oh, look at that.

My 24th anniversary.

Hello, Sam.

An hour and 15 minutes,

I was in the goddamn
dentist's chair.

How do you
feel, Sam?

Between the muzak

and his lousy
dirty jokes

I got some headache.

Sam, do you
remember this room?

Two more caps,
and I'm through.

What do you think?

Oh, they're
dazzling.

You don't think they're
too white, do you?

They look too white
to you?

No, they're perfect.

Very nice
with the blue shirt.

4:30 already.
The meeting must be over.

Anybody call?

Uh...Oh, Miss McCormack
from the office.

I told her
you'd call her back.

Why didn't you
tell me?

We were busy talking
about your white teeth.

Happy anniversary, Sam.

Huh?

Forget it.

Uh, Columbus 5-3598,
please.

What's the matter
with your leg?

One is shorter
than the other.

Didn't you ever
notice that?

Lorraine, Mr. Nash.

Let me have
Miss McCormack, please.

Well, that kills my barber's
appointment for today.

Boy, could I use five minutes
under a sunlamp.

Miss McCormack,
did Henderson call?

Did he sign
the contracts?

Okay.

What about Nisell?

I see.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Well, what does it
look like?

Uh-huh.

Right, right.

Pencil, pencil.

Right. All right,
give me the figures.

Right, right. Right.

Well, it sounds right,

But I'll have to go
over the estimates.

Tomorrow morning?

That doesn't
give us much time.

Karen, for God's sakes,
a pencil.

Uh, wait a minute. Will you
give me the figures again?

Karen, a pencil!

175,000, escalating up
to three and 1/4.

1-7-5... Hold it.

1-7-5...

Up to 325.

This is a lipstick.

I don't have
a pencil.

Then why do you give me
your lipstick?

Because I
don't have a pencil.

Do you want to go
around again?

All right, Miss McCormack,

I'll go over
the figures here.

If Henderson calls
or the contracts come in,

bring them right over.

What's that? Yeah. Well,

It's like we were saying
the other night...

It's the old
badger game.

Ha, ha, ha.

It's the old badger game.

Ho, ho, ho,
Miss McCormack.

All right.

I'll speak to you later,

And thank you very much,
Miss McCormack.

$175,000 contract,

And you give me
your lipstick.

I'd have given you blood,
but it isn't blue.

All right, Karen,
don't test me,

because I've got
enough of a headache.

I'm sorry, Sam.

And for God's sakes,
stop hobbling around.

I don't feel like listening
to thump, thump, thump.

Happy anniversary
to you.

What?

Forget it.

What are you
talking about?

It's not
our anniversary.

Today is November 14th,
isn't it?

Yeah.

So we're married
24 years today.

Are you serious?

We're not married
24 years today?

No.

We're not married
24 years?

No.

We're not married?

Tomorrow
is our anniversary,

and we're married
23 years.

Are you sure?

What do you mean,
am I sure?

Of course I'm sure.

November the 15th
is our anniversary,

And we're married
23 years.

Now, how can you
make a mistake like that?

Don't get so excited.

Anyway, it's not
such a big mistake,

Because I didn't
get you a present.

I go through this
with you every year.

When it comes to money
or dates or ages,

you are absolutely
impossible.

How old are you?

What?

How old are you?
A simple question.

I don't want to play.

I can't believe it.

You really don't know
how old you are?

Of course I know
how old I am.

You make me nervous.

Promise you won't
leave me if I'm wrong.

I'll be 49 in April.

Isn't that right?

No, but you're close.

I won't be 49?

Not this April.

This April,
you're going to be 48.

How the hell can you
make a mistake like that?

Can't you add?

Don't talk to me
like I'm a child.

I'm a 48-year-old woman.

The thing that
infuriates me about you

is that you make the
mistake the wrong way.

Why don't you

make yourself younger
instead of older,

The way other women do?

Okay.

I'm 47.

So, how do I look
to you now?

I've got work to do.

I've got
an important meeting

at 8:00
in the morning.

Karen!

What?

What the hell is that?

Look at my eyes.

Do you see any pupils?

Come here. Look at this.

Huh? You see any pupils?

Yeah, I see
two gorgeous pupils.

Where, where?

I don't have a pupil
left in my head.

Get my eye drops out
of the case, will you?

I think
you've been overworking.

I haven't seen you
two nights this month.

I haven't seen you
two nights any month.

Where the hell
is that roast beef?

Did you call
room service?

I called, I called.

Lie down.

I'll put your pupils
back in.

Here, I can do it myself.

I know you can do it,

but I like to put
your eye drops in.

It's the only time
lately you look at me.

I'm sorry.

You are?

Last couple of weeks
I haven't been nice to anyone.

Oh, you sounded swell
to Miss McCormack.

Just put
the eye drops in.

First give
an old lady a kiss.

Eight months I've been
working on this deal,

and then suddenly today

my top two men
in the office

come down with the flu,

and I've gotta do
everything myself.

Ah!

What's the matter?

Aah!

You drop them in,

you don't push them in.

I'm sorry.

You moved your head.

I moved my head
because you were

stabbing my eyeball,
damn it.

Well, don't panic.
I'm sorry.

Why do you think
they call it a dropper?

If they wanted you
to stab people with it,

they'd call it
a stabber.

Here, give it to me.
I'll do it myself.

Is that the end of being
nice to each other?

I don't know what we're
doing in a hotel anyway.

I've got a lot of work
to do tonight.

How am I gonna
concentrate?

Well, you gotta sleep
someplace tonight.

The painter said the house
won't be dry for two days.

But why now?

Do it in the spring.

This is my busy time
of the year.

It's not the painter's
busy time of the year.

In the spring,
he doesn't want to know you.

Of all nights. Did
you bring my things:

My toothbrush,
my pajamas?

I brought your toothbrush.

You forgot
my pajamas?

I didn't forget.
I just didn't bring 'em.

Why not?

Because it's suite 719
at the plaza,

and I didn't think
you'd want your pajamas.

Well, you know I can't
sleep without pajamas.

I took that
into consideration.

I don't understand you.
One lousy little bag

is all I asked you
to pack.

Forgive me.

It's my busy time
of the year.

Do me a favor, Karen.

Don't get brittle.

I'm very shaky right now,

and one crack, and I go
right to the dry-cleaner's.

Boy, could I use a nice
big cold double martini.

Can I make a suggestion?
Why don't you

have a nice big cold
double martini?

Are you serious?

You know how many calories
there are in a double martini?

Four or five million?

You know my metabolism...
one double martini,

and right in front of
your eyes, I get flabby.

You used
to get sexy.

Yeah, well,
now I get flabby

unless I watch myself
like a hawk,

which I think
I manage to do.

A man your age ought to have
a couple of pounds of skin

hanging over his belt.

I'm sorry
to disappoint you.

I'm not disappointed.

I'm uncomfortable.

I watch you when you
get undressed at night.

Nothing moves.

It's like
you're vacuum packed.

When you open your belt,

I expect you to go
like a can of coffee.

Pssssssss.

Can we drop
the subject?

Like a baked potato.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Karen.

Yes, Sam?

Let's not fight.

It's all right
with me, Sam.

Let's be nice
to each other.

Okay.

Who goes first?

Karen.

Yes, Sam?

Oh, nothing. I'd better
work on these papers.

You don't even remember
this room, you louse.

What's that?

Well, I may not know
how old I am,

But I sure as hell remember
we spent our honeymoon.

In suite 719 at the plaza.

This is definitely 719.

Tell me you remember
suite 719.

Is this the room?

Oh, Christ.

Wait a minute.

I think you're right.

719.

We ate dinner
in the bedroom.

Remember
what we had?

For dinner 23 years ago?

I remember.

We had a bottle
of champagne,

A tray
of hors d'oeuvre,

And we left
all the anchovies.

- In the drawer.
- Oh.

See, it's coming
back to you.

If you're looking
for the Savoy,

It isn't there.

No, I was looking
at the Pierre.

Well, there it is.

Karen.

Uh-huh.

It was 819.
We were in 819, not 719.

You're wrong.

No, I'm not wrong.
I'm right.

It was 819. I'm right.

Stop saying you're right
like you're right.

You're wrong.

Look, I'll prove it to you.

Remember,
I had my binoculars.

We were watching
that couple

getting undressed
in the Pierre.

We were
on the eighth floor.

I remember we were looking
for them the next night.

We called them the couple
on the eighth floor.

I don't know what
you called them.

I called them

the couple on
the seventh floor.

Well, it's pointless
to argue about it.

It's not important.

If it's pointless,
why are you pointing it out?

'Cause you made
an issue of it.

I may have made an issue
of saying we were in 719.

You made an issue
out of proving to me

we weren't in 719.

All right, Karen.

Don't tell me,
"all right, Karen."

If I thought it was 719,

why didn't you
have the decency

to let me go on
in my ignorance

thinking it was 719?

Couldn't you have done
that much for me?

As a matter of fact,
Karen, I just remembered.

You're absolutely right.
It was 719.

I don't want it
to be 719.

I want it to be 819.

Why don't you go inside
and lose some weight?

Shut up, Karen.

Keep your stupid
mouth shut.

I'm sorry.

Oh.

We're some
lousy couple,

Aren't we?

Mmm.

"Mmm," what?

Mmm, yes,
we're some lousy couple.

That's what I said.

That's the first thing
we agreed on today.

Karen, I don't mean
to be rude,

but I've gotta go over
these estimates tonight.

You understand.

Yes, I always
understand, Sam.

Karen, please.

Oh, come on. Forget
your crummy papers.

Take me
to a dirty movie.

Karen, stop it.

Sam, do you know.

What's playing
on sixth avenue?

Freddy the fruit
and Ursula the slut.

I swear
on my mother's life.

You want to go,
go yourself.

What happens
if I get picked up?

Call me. I won't
wait up for you.

Oh, Sam.

Ohh, you got your
sense of humor back.

Come on.
Take me for a walk.

One little
ten-minute walk.

Then I'll
leave you alone.

Maybe later.
We'll see.

Don't you have
anything to read?

"The lord is my shepherd.

"I shall not want.

He maketh me to lie down
in green pastures."

I read it.

I read the ceiling, too.

Feel like
going back to the house

and watching the paint dry?

I was just trying
to think of something.

We could do together.

Shall I get that,
or is that something

you'd like for us
to do together?

I'll even take nastiness.

It's not much,
but it's a start.

Please, God,
let the roast beef be lean.

Good evening.

Hello.

You like the table
near the window?

Oh, Sam, would you
like the table

near the window?

Doesn't make
any difference.

Doesn't make
any difference.

I'll leave it
here, then.

Sam, should he
leave it here?

Here, there,
anywhere.

Here, there,
anywhere.

Doesn't make
any difference.

Oh, you don't
have to set up the chairs.

Don't bother...

leave it.
You've done it already.

Yes, you did it already.
That's fine.

Can I see
the bill, please?

Yes, sir.

Hope I didn't get
any anchovies.

Yep, I got anchovies.

Oh, you didn't want
no anchovies?

It doesn't make
any difference.

You get 'em anyway.

That'll be all,
thank you.

Thank you, sir.

Oh, the champagne.

Where's the champagne?

No champagne?

You're right.

They forgot
the champagne.

But the anchovies,
they remembered.

What did you order
champagne for?

I got a lot
of work to do.

It's our anniversary.

It's our anniversary.

Oh, congratulations.

Thank you.

We're married 23 or 24 years
today or tomorrow.

Oh, then you want
the champagne?

Oh, yeah, with two grown
children in college.

That's wonderful.

Oh, you think so?

He's flunking out,

She's majoring
in dirty clothes.

He is not
flunking out.

Why do you say
he's flunking out?

That'll be all,
thank you.

Well, if you don't
want the champagne,

I'll cross it off.

She doesn't want
the champagne.

I want the champagne.
Don't cross it off the bill.

Bring me a bottle
and one glass.

Yes, ma'am.

Oh, when you want me
to take the table,

Just ring.

I'll ring when I want you
to take the table.

Oh, again,
congratulations.

Thank you.

Did you hear that?
He congratulated us

on being married
to each other.

I asked for lean roast beef.

This is not lean roast beef.

Do you know
how many people we know

who are still married
as long as us?

One other couple:
The Shelleys.

Most boring people
I ever met in my life.

Why did you talk
to the waiter like that?

Like what?

Like you've known him
for 20 years.

You just met him.

He walked in here two minutes
ago with fatty roast beef.

It's none of his damn business
what our son is doing in school.

I'm sorry. I did
another bad thing.

When he comes back
with the champagne,

I'll hide
behind the drapes.

You don't have to hide.

Just don't tell him
our personal problems,

That's all.

What should
I do, lie?

Certainly lie.
Everyone else does.

Tell him you got a beautiful
and devoted daughter.

Tell him you got a brilliant
son on the dean's list.

Tell him you're only
42 years old.

Why?

I'm not insane
about growing older,

But it happens
to everybody.

Happened to you.

You're 51.

Mmm.

Well, that's the
difference between us.

I don't have
to accept it.

I don't have to accept
being 51 years old.

I don't accept
getting older.

Good luck to you.

You'll be the youngest one
in the cemetery.

Can't even have a normal
conversation with you anymore.

Accept being 51,
and we'll have a normal conversation.

You blew it again.

Sam?

Aren't you gonna
eat your dinner?

Oh, Sam!

Look, I found a very lean
piece of roast beef!

Hey!

Come on out.
See how thin I'm getting.

Ooh, Sam, it's the champagne.
If you don't come out,

I'll tell the waiter
you wear dentures.

Oh, Miss McCormack.

Hello, Mrs. Nash.
I hope I'm not disturbing you.

No, no, no.
Mr. Nash and I.

Were just sitting
around joking.

Come on in.

Thank you. I hate
to barge in this way,

but I have some papers

that need Mr. Nash's
signature immediately.

Certainly. Sit down.

Thank you.

Sam,
it's Miss McCormack.

It is Miss McCormack
now, isn't it?

It was Mrs. Colby
last year.

This year it's
Miss McCormack again.

Well, you're lucky
you can remember.

I've been married so long,
if I ever got divorced,

I'd have to make up
a maiden name.

Have you had
your dinner?

No, but it's all right.

Oh, hello.
You got 'em, huh?

Did Henderson call?

No, not yet.

I think you ought
to look at page three.

Would you like
some hot coffee?

The plaza makes
very hot coffee.

Coffee would be fine,
thank you.

One hot
coffee coming up.

Sam, some hot coffee?

No, thanks.

That's no hot coffee
and one hot coffee.

Why is there
an adjustment.

On this figure?

There was
a clerical omission

on the Cincinnati
tabulation.

It didn't show up
in the 1,400,

so I rechecked it
with my own files

and made a correction,

so that item 17B
should read 300,000,

and disregard
the figures in 17A.

Cream and sugar?

No, thank you.

But this should have
been caught on the IBM.

Should have,
but it wasn't.

Obviously
it wasn't fed properly.

No cream and no sugar
or no cream and yes, sugar.

No cream and no sugar.

So it's yes,
no cream and no sugar.

Did you call this
to Howard's attention?

He said it happened
once before this month,

but that he couldn't
pin it down

until he rechecked
the whole 68 file.

Damn it. Of all nights
to have this happen.

Would you like
some anchovies?

We've got tons
of anchovies.

I'm just gonna have to

go over the whole thing
tonight with Howard.

I told him I thought
that might be a possibility,

so he made plans
to stay in town tonight.

Tell Howard I'll meet
him at the office

between 6:15 and 6:30.

Tell him I want
to see every one

of last year's
1,400 forms.

You're not going
to the office tonight?

I'm sorry, Karen,
it can't be helped.

We're having
that same damn trouble

with the computer again.

I could go with you.

Maybe all it needs
is a little dusting.

Well, something
in that office

sure in hell
needs a little dusting.

All right, Miss McCormack,

why don't you just
hop in a cab now

and get started
on the flies with Howard?

I'll clean up, and I'll
see you in about 20 minutes.

Yes, sir.

Oh, it's a pity you
can't stay two more minutes.

I ordered champagne.

Can I tell her why, Sam?

Oh, well. I'm not
supposed to go around

blurting these things out,
but it's our 23rd anniversary.

Oh, I didn't know.
Congratulations.

Thank you, dear.

Oh, yes. Life has been
very good to me.

I have a beautiful
devoted daughter,

brilliant son
on the dean's list,

and I'm 42 years old.
What more could I ask...

Karen, Miss McCormack's

got to get back
to the office.

I'm sorry.

Don't let him
work you too late.

That's all right.
I'm used to it by now.

Best wishes again,
Mrs. Nash.

Thank you, and see that he
buys me a nice gift.

I definitely will.

What a sweet girl.

That's a sweet girl, Sam.

Sorry about tonight,
Karen.

It can't be helped.

That's a sweet,
young, skinny girl.

Thing is,
if I leave now,

maybe I can
still get back

in time for us
to have a late dinner.

Oh, that's all right.

Don't worry about me.
I understand.

I just feel badly
about you.

You could have really
relaxed tonight.

Instead
you'll be cooped up

in that
stuffy old office

till all hours
with Miss McCormack,

poring over those
boring contracts

with your
smooth-shaven face!

Well, I can't very well
walk through the lobby

of the plaza hotel
with a stubbly chin.

They wouldn't let you
in the elevator.

Don't forget
your cologne.

My what?

Your cologne.

The doorman
won't get you a cab

unless
you smell good.

What are you doing, Karen?

I'm joking.

What's the matter?

Can't you tell when I'm
kidding around anymore?

No, I can't.

Well, I am.

I'm just
teasing you

by intimating that you're having
an affair with your secretary.

Are you?

Is sweet, skinny
Miss McCormack your mistress?

Oh, for God's sake,

what kind of a thing
is that to say?

Well, if she's not,
it's a lousy thing to say.

If she is, it's a hell
of a question.

Well, I'm not even gonna
dignify that with an answer.

Aw, come on.
Dignify it, Sam, please.

I'm dying to know.

Are you having an affair
with her or not?

And you'll believe me?

Cross my heart.

No, I'm not having
an affair with her.

Yes, you are.

Curses. Trapped again.

Looks like snow.

Hope I can get a cab.

It's all right
if you are, Sam.

I approve
of Miss McCormack.

She's a nice girl.

Thank you.

She'll be pleased
to know.

Look, Karen,
I could call downstairs

and get you a ticket
for a show tonight.

No reason for you to sit
alone here like this.

Something
you'd like to see?

Yeah, what you
and Miss McCormack

will be doing later.

Really, Karen,

I find this
in very poor taste.

Why? I'm just being
honest again, Sam.

I'm just saying that
at this stage of your life

if you wanted
a nice quiet affair

with a young, skinny woman,
I'd understand.

What do you mean,
at this stage in my life?

Well, you're
blankety years old.

I'd say the number,

But I know
you don't accept it,

and I realize
when a man

is blankety-one
or blankety-two,

he's feeling insecure.

That he's losing
his virility.

Sometimes
a nice quiet fling

is the best thing
for him.

I know. I read
the Reader's Digest.

I'm glad to know
I have their permission.

Look, Karen, I have a hard
night's work ahead of me.

I'll be back about 12:00.

Sam.

I know that...

We haven't been very happy
together lately.

You've been busy.

You may not
have noticed it,

but we definitely have not
been very happy.

I've noticed it, Karen.
I've noticed it.

Well, what's wrong?

I mean,

we have a 12-room house
in the country,

two sweet kids,
a maid that doesn't drink.

Is there something
we're missing?

I don't know.

Well, could you at least
think about it?

I need hints, Sam.

Is there something
else that you want?

Is there something I could give
you that I'm not giving you?

Could you please speak up?

We're closing
in ten minutes.

It's me, Karen.
It's not you.

Well, I'll buy that.

Well, what's wrong
with you, Sam?

I don't know.

I don't know if you can
understand this, Karen,

but, uh...

When I came home
after the war,

I had my whole life
in front of me,

and all I wanted was
to get married, have kids

and make a success
of my life.

Well, I was very lucky.
I got it all...

Good marriage, the kids,

more money than I
ever dreamed of making.

Then what is it
that you want?

Just want to do it
all over again.

I'd like to start
the whole damn thing

right from the beginning.

Oh.

Yes, I see.

Well...

Frankly, Sam,

I don't think the navy'd
take you again.

Yeah.

Well, it won't be because
I can't pass the physical.

I told you it was stupid
talking about it.

It'll work itself out.

You know what I think?

I think you
want to get out,

And you don't know
how to tell me.

That's not true.

Which isn't?

That you want
to get out.

Or that you don't
know how to tell me?

Why do you always start
the most serious discussions

in our life when
I'm halfway out the door?

No, 'cause
if that's true,

why don't you come
right out and say it?

Just say, "Karen,

there's no point
in our going on."

I'd rather hear it
from you personally

than get a message
on our service.

Look, we'll talk about it
when I get back.

No!

Goddamn it!
We'll talk about it now!

I am not gonna

sit around a hotel room
half the night

waiting to find out

how my life's
gonna turn out!

If you have
something to say,

have the decency
to say it...

Before you walk
out that door.

Is there any coffee left?

It's that bad?

Oh, all right.
I'll pour you a cup of coffee.

Oh, look at that.
I'm shaking like a leaf.

I think you better
pour it yourself.

I have a feeling
in a few minutes

I'm not gonna be
too crazy about you.

No matter what, Karen,
in 23 years

my feelings for you
have never changed.

You're my wife.
I still love you.

Oh, God...

Am I in trouble.

It has nothing
to do with you, Karen.

It's something
that just happened.

It's true. I am having
an affair with her.

It's been going on
about six months now.

I tried stopping it
a few times.

It didn't work.

After a couple of days,
I'd start in again, and...

Well, what's the point
of going on with this?

You wanted honesty.
I'm giving it to you.

I'm having an affair with Jean.
That's all there is to it.

I'm not very good at this.

I don't know what
I'm supposed to say now.

Don't worry about it.

You're doing fine.

Would you like that
cup of coffee now?

I stopped shaking.

Well, what
are we gonna do?

Well, you're taken care of.

You're having an affair.

I'm the one
that needs an activity!

I'll do
whatever you want.

Whatever I want?

I'll leave.

I'll get out tonight,

or I'll stop seeing her.

I'll get rid of her
in the office.

I'll try it
any way you want.

Oh, okay. I pick
get rid of Jean.

Gee, that was easy.

Now we can go back
to our old normal life.

And live happily ever after.

It's not my day.

Even the coffee's cold.

Oh, come on, Karen.

Stop playing
aren't-we-civilized.

Call me a bastard.
Throw the coffee at me.

You're a bastard!
Do you want cream and sugar?

It's funny
how our attitudes

have suddenly changed.
What happened to,

"I think a man your age
should have an affair"?

Oh, it looked good
in the window.

Terrible
when I got it home.

Well, if it's
any solace to you,

I never thought
it would go this far.

I don't even remember
how it started.

Think. It'll come
back to you.

She worked in the office
for two years.

I never even
batted an eye at her.

Good for you, Sam!

Oh, come on, Karen.

No. I want to hear about it.

You worked next to her
for two years.

You didn't know
her first name was Jean.

One night you're both
working late,

suddenly you
let down your hair,

you took off
your glasses.

She said, "Mr. Nash,
you're beautiful."

That's it word for word.

You must have been hiding
in the closet.

No. You want to know

when I think
the exact date

your crummy little
affair started?

I'll tell you.
It was June 19th.

It was your birthday.

You just turned
50 years old.

Five-o,
count 'em, folks,

And you were feeling

good and sorry
for yourself. Right?

If you say so.

And the only reason

you picked
on Miss McCormack,

she was the first one
you saw that morning.

If she'd been out sick,
you would have

had an affair with
the elevator operator.

No. He's 52 years old,
and I don't go for older men.

You're right,
you're right.

We'll talk about it
later tonight.

No, no, no.

We've opened this up.
Let's bring it all out.

I've told you the truth, Karen.

I'm involved
with another woman.

I'm not proud of it,
but those are the facts.

Now what am I
supposed to do about it?

I would suggest
committing suicide,

But I'm afraid you
might think I meant me.

I have one other
suggestion: forget it.

Forget it?

Yes, forget it. It's...

I understand.

It's not your fault.

It's... I don't know.

I don't know. Maybe

I can learn to live
with it till it's over.

I don't know
what else to do!

I'm attached to you!

So go on out,

have a good time
tonight,

and bring me back some
chocolate ice cream.

If I lived with you
another 23 years,

I don't think
I'd ever understand you.

If that's a proposition,
I accept.

Damn it, Karen!

Stop accepting everything
in life that's thrown at you.

Fight back once in a while.

Don't understand me.
Hate me.

I'm not going through
a middle-age adjustment.

I'm having an affair,

a cheating, sneaking,
sordid affair.

If it helps you to romanticize
it, Sam, all right.

I happen
to know better.

You don't know
better at all.

You didn't even know
I was having an affair.

I suspected it.

You were working
three nights a week.

We weren't
getting any richer.

I see, and now
that you know the truth,

I have your blessing.

No!

My permission.

I'm your wife,
not your mother.

Your permission?

I'm sorry, Karen,
I don't follow you.

What's the matter, Sam?

Am I robbing you

of all those delicious
guilt feelings?

Would you feel better
if I went to pieces,

tried to lash out
at you?

At least I would
understand it.

It would be normal.
I don't know why

you're not having hysterics
and screaming for a lawyer.

All right!

If it makes
you feel better,

I think you stink!

I think you're a vain,
self-pitying, deceiving,

ten-pound box of rancid,
no-cal cottage cheese!

How am I doing?

Swell. Now we're finally
getting somewhere.

Oh, yeah, you like it,
don't you?

Makes everything
nice and simple for you.

Now you can go out
of here

the martyred,
misunderstood husband.

I won't give you
that satisfaction!

I take it all back.

You're a pussycat.

I'll have
milk and cookies.

Waiting for you
when you get home.

No, no, no. Finish what
you were saying, Karen.

Get it off your chest.

It's been building up
for 23 years.

I want to hear everything.
Vain, self-pitying.

What else?
Go on. What else?

You're adorable.

Eat your heart out.

Karen,
don't do this to me.

I'm sorry. I just
can't help myself.

I'm a forgiving woman.

You're driving me
right out of here,

You know that,
don't you?

Don't keep her waiting.

If I walk out that door,
I don't come back.

Oh, I think you will.

What makes you so sure?

You forgot to take
your eye drops!

Before I go, Karen,
I just want to say one thing.

Whatever you may think
of me is probably true.

No, not probably...
definitely.

I have been a bastard

right from
the beginning,

and I don't expect you
to forgive me.

Oh, but I do!

Will you let me finish,
please?

I don't expect you
to forgive me,

but I ask you
with all conscience,

With all
your understanding,

not to blame Jean
for any of this.

Oh.

I'll send her
a nice gift.

For crying out loud,
Karen,

you're not making this
any easier.

That's the way
you like things.

You like things easy.

You don't even have
an affair the hard way!

Meaning what?

Meaning you could have
at least taken the trouble

to look outside your office
for a girl.

"Miss McCormack,
would you please come inside

and take an affair?"

Honestly, Sam.

Karen, don't force me

to say nice things
about her to you.

I can't help it!

I'm disappointed
in you!

It's so damned
unoriginal!

Well, what did
you want her to be,

a fighter pilot with
the Israeli Air Force?

Everyone cheats
with their secretaries.

I expected more
from my husband!

I never saw you
like this.

Live with a person
your whole life,

you don't really
know her.

Go on. Please, go on.

Go on out.
Have your affair.

You're 51.

In an hour,
it'll be too late.

By God,
you are something.

You are really
something special, Karen.

23 years
I'm married to you,

and I still can't
make you out.

You don't look much different
than the ordinary woman,

but I promise you

there is nothing
walking around on two legs

that compares
in any way shape or form

with the likes of you.

If I'm so special,

what are you carrying on
with secretaries for?

I'll be god damned
if I know.

Sam!

Uh...

Sam...

Do I still have my,
uh, two choices?

Because if I do,

I choose get rid
of Miss McCormack.

I pick stay here
and work it out with me

because the other way I
think I'm going to lose.

Don't go to the office
tonight.

Stay with me, please.

I swear I wish we could go back
to the way it was before.

Well...

Maybe we still can.

We'll do what you said
before.

We'll lie.

We'll tell each other
everything's all right.

There's nothing wrong
at the office tonight.

There is
no Miss McCormack,

and I'm 27 god damned
years old.

What do you say, Sam?

Maybe tomorrow, Karen.

I can't tonight.

I'll see you.

When?

Never mind.

I love surprises.

Champagne.

I brought you two glasses
just in case.

Is he coming back?

Funny you should
ask that.

Welcome back to the plaza,
Mr. Kiplinger.

Hi, Ernie.
How are things going?

Oh, it's
a little quiet

without you,
Mr. Kiplinger.

The screening
is at 9:00 tonight

at the coronet theater,

the car will
be here at 8:30,

and there's a small
press reception afterwards.

Now, The Tonight Show,

just to remind you,
is Thursday night.

They tape at 6:30,

but they would
like you there at 6:00.

Well, I'm afraid

the only free time
you're gonna have

is between 2:00 and 4:00
tomorrow afternoon.

Is there anything
you'd like me to arrange?

Yeah. Have you got
a good-looking sister?

I'm afraid not.

Not even a pretty girlfriend

willing to sacrifice herself
for your future?

Well, if I did,
she would.

Well, good-bye,
Mr. Kiplinger.

It's been a pleasure
meeting you.

Excuse me.

Please forgive
my brash audacity,

but I would never
forgive myself

if I let this opportunity
slip by without telling you

that you are the most
attractive girl I've seen

since I've arrived
in New York.

No ulterior motives.

I just wanted you
to know that.

Thank you,
and good-bye.

Tell her who I am.

Okay.

Hello. Operator?

Uh, Mr. Kiplinger
in suite 719.

7-1-9.

Right.

Would you get me
Butterfield 91099,

please?

Well, thank you.

♪ Do do do do do ♪

♪ Yoo doodle loo ♪

Hello. Evelyn?

Jesse.

Uh, is he there?

I just got in town.

No. Till Friday.

Listen, Evelyn,
I'd love to see you.

Any time.

Say between 2:00 and
4:00 tomorrow afternoon?

Oh.

Can't you break it,
Evelyn?

I'm on
a very tight schedule.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Sure, Ev. Sure.

Well, maybe next trip.

Yeah. Bye.

Sweetheart,
would you get me.

Mount Sinai hospital
on 5th Avenue.

I don't have the number.

Well, thank you.

Uh, ni... uh,
ninth floor, please.

Nurse Melnick.

Dr. Kiplinger.

Giselle?

Mr. Kiplinger.

That's right.

The ulcer attack
last June.

Well...

Didn't I say I'd call?

Look, I never was able
to thank you properly.

I was wondering,

are you by any chance
off duty

tomorrow afternoon
between 2:00 and 4:00?

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

I see.

All right.

I'll call you. Bye.

Pussycat,

Would you get me
Tenafly, New Jersey,

278-9970?

Well, thank you.

Hello.

Is this Muriel?

Muriel Tate?

My God,
you sound wonderful.

Jesse.

Jesse Kiplinger.

Well, of course
I'm serious.

Yes, after 15 years.

No, in New York.

How's Larry
and the kids?

Good, good.

Listen, Muriel,

You're the first one
I called.

You see, I've been
dying to see you.

I've been thinking
about you.

Well, I got a personal
problem, Muriel,

and you're the only one
left who can help me.

Do you think you can

drop over to the Plaza
tomorrow afternoon

for a drink
from 2:00 to 4:00?

There's nothing wrong.

I'm just going to have
one quick drink with him.

Just a drink
and then I'll go.

What's wrong with that?

I'll stay five minutes.

I've got a lot
of shopping to do, anyway.

One quick drink,
then I'll go.

My God,
what's wrong with that?

How long you gonna be,
ma'am?

Uh, yeah. One quick drink,
then I... I'm going.

Good, good.

Gracias.

Prego, prego.

Can I help you,
ma'am?

Oh, no.

No, I'm just,
uh, I'm looking.

Can I make
your bed up now, sir?

Uh, 4:00. You can
make it up at 4:00.

4:00. Thank you.

Uh, hel... uh, er,

Mr. Jesse Kiplinger, please.

Hello, Jesse.

It's Muriel...

From New Jersey.

I can't hear you.

Well, speak up, dear.

Well, where are you?

Well, come on up.

Yes, I'm positive
it's all right.

Muriel, do you want me
to come down and get you?

Well, then take
the elevator.

And come up
to suite 719

and stop being so silly.

I'm dying to see you.

Right.

Operator, uh,
Mr. Kiplinger here.

Suite 719.

Please hold all calls
until 4:00.

I'm going to be
in conference.

My God,

What are you
doing here?

Nothing!

Beth! How nice
to see you.

I just got in
this morning.

Really?
Why are you here?

Muriel.

Jesse.

It's not.

It is.

Muriel,
I can't believe it.

Is it really you?

It's me.

Muriel.

Well, come on in
for Pete sakes.

Come on in.

Five minutes, Jesse.
That's all.

I really can't stay.

My God,
it's good to see you.

Oh, I just dropped by
to say hello.

I really can't stay.

I'm parked
in a one-hour zone.

Hey, Muriel.

Hello.

Same old Muriel, eh?

What do you mean,
"same old Muriel"?

Come here!

Let me take
a good look at you.

Don't, Jesse.
Don't look at me.

It's been 15 years,

And I haven't
had my hair done.

Don't look at me.
What time is it?

Tell me when it's 3:00.
I can't stay. I...

Muriel,
I can't get over it.

You look
absolutely wonderful.

Well, I feel
absolutely wonderful.

No, I really mean that.

You look
incredibly fantastic.

Well, I feel
incredibly fantastic.

Well, you look it.

Well, I feel it.

And how are you?

Uh, I'm all right.

I don't know why I'm
so nervous, do you?

I think it's charming.

My goodness.

Little Muriel Tate
all grown up and married.

Mm-hmm.

How many kids
you got now?

Three.

No kidding? Three kids.

What are they?

A boy and a girl.

A boy and a girl?

And another boy.
He's away at camp.

Oh, I can't even
think straight.

Isn't this terrible?

What's wrong?

Well, it's you.

That's the simple
explanation.

I'm nervous
about meeting you,

Mr. Famous
Hollywood producer.

"Mr. Famous
Hollywood producer"?

Muriel, you know me
better than that.

I haven't changed
since I left Tenafly.

I made a couple
of pictures.

That's all.

A couple of pictures?

The Easter show at the
Radio City Music Hall?

A couple pictures,
huh?

I stood in line
with my children

for three hours
in the rain.

Why did you do that,
Muriel?

You could've called
my New York office.

My girl would've
gotten you right in.

Any time you wanna see
one of my pictures...

Oh, I couldn't do that.

Call the office.
They... why not?

I couldn't. I couldn't
impose like that.

You not imposing!

I am.

But I want you to!

What's the number?

I'll give it to you
before you go,

But first
let's sit down,

Have a little drink.

There's
a million things

I'm dying to ask you.

Oh, no, no.

No drinks for me,
thank you.

You don't drink?

Oh, I haven't had
a drink in years.

Besides, I have a 5:00
hairdresser's appointment.

Come on.
One little drink.

Oh, no, no, no.
I've got to get home.

I shouldn't even
be in the city.

No, the children will be
home from school soon,

I've got to get
Larry's dinner,

and besides, I haven't
even done my shopping.

No, no.

Just dropped by
to say hello.

What'll you have?

A vodka stinger.

Coming right up.

And then
I've got to go.

Oh.

I finally took a breath.
That felt good.

Muriel, would you relax,
please?

Would you please relax?

Oh.

I just feel funny
sitting here

and drinking
in a hotel room

with a famous
Hollywood producer.

That's all.

I mean,
I am a married woman.

Well, would you
feel better, Muriel,

if we went downstairs

and had our drinks
in the palm court?

We're here.

We might as well stay.

Well, then sit back
and relax.

Just for a few minutes.

I have a 6:00
hairdresser's appointment.

Oh, I thought
it was at 5:00.

It's flexible.

Gee, it's good to
see you again, Muriel.

I've thought about us
so often.

Have you?

Oh, it's been ages since
we saw each other, Jesse.

I haven't thought
very much about it.

Fifteen years, isn't it?

August 23rd.

You remembered that?

I still have
the matchbook cover.

From Ruby Foo's restaurant.

I remember a lot
about that night.

It was the first time
I ever had a vodka stinger.

It was the first time

I ever stayed out
till 4 a.m. with a boy.

It was the first time
I, uh...

How long are you going
to be in New York, Jesse?

Possibly
just till Friday.

I have to sign an actor
for my new picture.

Lee Marvin.

Yes. How did
you know that?

Oh, we keep up on things
in Tenafly...

Mr. Hollywood producer.

With a house
in Laurel Canyon,

who drives
a silver-gray Maserati,

plays tennis
with Charlton Heston,

and sleeps in the tops of
his pajamas in a circular bed.

I might stay over
another few days.

It depends
on what develops.

Uh, I've never been
in the Plaza before.

Beautiful.

What's in there?

Oh, that's the bedroom.
You can go in.

That's all right.
I take your word for it.

Is this where you're
gonna meet with Lee Marvin?

I mean, do you know him
personally... to talk to?

Yes. We usually talk
when we meet.

Is he...

Is he a regular person,
or is he kind of stuck up?

Regular.

Hair, nails, teeth.

Just like a person.

Muriel...

What's with
the Hollywood talk?

This is me, Jesse,
from Tenafly.

Who is now living.

In the old
Humphrey Bogart house.

How'd you know that?

Maybe I haven't seen you
in 15 years,

but I know
an awful lot about you,

Mr. Jesse Kiplinger.

Pooch.

Pooch?

Isn't that what
they call you in Hollywood?

Your nickname... Pooch.

Gooch.

I thought
they called you Pooch.

No, it's Gooch.

But I thought I read
that, uh,

you have
all your shirts

specially made
by Gucci in Florence,

so they call you Pooch.

No, no. I have
all my shoes made up.

In Gucci's in Rome,

so they call me Gooch.

Ah.

Oh.

Ah, it's a silly thing.

I don't know why they
print stories like that.

Well, because people like me
like to read them.

Well, I'm bored with me.

I'm much more interested
in you.

But first,
let's have our drinks.

And then I've got to go.

To the girl
I left behind.

Who... who was that?

You, Muriel.

You're the girl.

Oh. Well, thank you.

In many ways, Muriel,

I've regretted it.

In many ways,

I think we would've
been good together.

You think so, Jesse?

I don't know anyone
in Hollywood.

In many ways, Muriel,

I think we could've
made a go of it.

Oh.

Oh, I just took up tennis.

I'm not very good
at it yet.

Muriel.

Muriel, how often
I've thought of you.

But I have three children,

and, uh,
I'm very happy,

and, uh,

I have a wonderful life.

Larry and I have...

A wonderful marriage.

I wanted to do that
very much.

Are... are you
gonna do it again?

Yes, I'm going to
do it again.

Mm-hmm. Well,
then I must go.

That will be
enough of that,

Mr. Jesse Kiplinger,

Mr. Famous
Hollywood producer.

I shouldn't have let you
give me this vodka stinger,

and I shouldn't
have let you kiss me.

I'm not a drinker,
and I'm not a kisser.

It was a wonderful kiss,
Muriel.

It wasn't wonderful.

I don't kiss wonderfully.

I'm a plain, average
New Jersey housewife kisser.

Anyway,
I'm not interested.

I don't believe you,
and I have to go.

Aw. What a pity.

What time does
that Lee Marvin get here?

4:00. Would you like
to stay and meet him?

In person?

Lee Marvin?

Oh, no.

No.

Thank you, Jesse,
but I think I'm past the age

when I get excited
meeting a movie star.

Maybe my 14-year-old
daughter might get a thrill,

but, uh, I'm a little
past that now.

What would I say to him?

Hello, Lee.

What would he say to me?

Hello, Muriel.

Really?

Lee Marvin?

Well, it's silly
even talking about it.

As I said,

I have this 4:00
hairdresser's appointment.

God, look at my lipstick.

I'll never even get past
the house detective.

What time is it?

Ten after 3:00.

Already?

I've got to go!

- Not yet.
- I must!

Ten more minutes.

I'll stay five.

I'll just freshen
your drink, okay?

Just half a glass.

I have a PTA meeting
tonight.

Jesse?

Why did you call me
yesterday?

I had no ulterior motives,
Muriel.

I just wanted to spend
a few quiet hours

with the kind of woman
I never meet anymore.

Well, we're very proud
of you in Tenafly, Jesse.

Even my husband
always talks about you.

He always says,
"Jesse Kiplinger.

Jesse Kiplinger."

That's all I ever hear
around this house.

Do you know

I remember exactly
what you were wearing

the day I left
for California.

Mmm?

You had on
a tan raincoat,

tweed skirt,

a brown sweater,

and a little locket
right here

that your grandmother
had given you.

Last June, uh,
the Tenafly drive-in

had a Jesse Kiplinger
festival.

They showed all
of your great films.

I went both nights.

Do you know, Muriel,
that even then,

you had about you
a quality

that was
sort of untouched.

You were the only girl
I knew

who gave me pleasure

in just holding
her hand.

A lot of the girls
still kid me about you.

I mean, when they see
your name in a column.

Or your...
your, uh, picture

with Jill St. John.

Or Stella Stevens.

I didn't expect to see
it anymore, Muriel...

That quality of honesty
and frankness,

that... that ability

to cut through deceit
and phoniness.

With just one look.

Through those big,
wide-open,

unsuspecting eyes.

Oh, they tease me,
and they say

if I'd married you
instead of Larry,

I'd be living
in Hollywood now,

going to parties
with Duke Wayne,

Playing charades
with Julie Andrews,

And, uh...

You don't know
what you are.

You really don't know
what you are.

Well, I'll tell you
what you are, Muriel.

You're something
very special.

You're something
very special.

Really?

Something very special,
Muriel. I know.

Don't ever change,
Muriel.

Don't ever change...

The sweet, simple way
that you are.

Jesse?

Yes, Muriel?

Yes.

Do you know
Frank Sinatra?

Who?

Frank Sinatra.

Have you ever
met him?

Yes.

Yes, I know Frank.

What's he like?

Frank?

Uh-huh.

Well, I don't really
know him that well.

I just had dinner
with him a few times.

Oh, where,
in his house?

Once in a restaurant,
once I think in his house.

I really don't remember.

I see.

They say
he's very generous.

Is that true?

Is he as generous
as they say?

I guess so.

He served
very large portions.

Jesus!

Who the hell cares
about Frank Sinatra?

Well, I'm sorry.
I was just curious.

I didn't mean to pry
into your personal life.

I've got
to be going now.

Wait, Muriel.

No. I've got
to get home

before
the traffic starts.

If I'm late
for Larry's dinner,

he'll want to know
where I was,

and I don't lie
very well. Oh, God,

why did I come here
in the first place?

What have I done?

You haven't done anything,
Muriel!

Oh!

Haven't done anything.

I let you kiss me
and grope me.

I must've been
out of my mind

to come
to the Plaza Hotel

in the middle
of the week.

Well, I've got
to be going.

Good-bye, Jesse.

Muriel...

Muriel, will you
wait a minute, please?

There's no reason
to get so upset.

I didn't do
anything worse

than give you
a friendly kiss.

It's not the kiss.

It's where
you were kissing me.

Where was I kissing you?

In a hotel room.

Suppose someone saw us
through the window?

Who?

A couple of pigeons?

It's central park.

Muriel, you're
just being silly.

Will you
lower your voice?

Suppose someone
hears my name?

Who's going to know you?

There's nobody here but
Shriners from Cincinnati.

Now, will you please
come back inside?

I suppose you'll go back
to Hollywood

and have a big laugh

with Jill St. John
over this.

I wouldn't dream of it.

Say it.

Say, "I will not
go back to Hollywood

"and have a big laugh

with Jill St. John
over this."

I will not go back
to Hollywood

and have a big laugh
with Jill St. John over this.

Muriel, I have nothing

but the greatest respect
and admiration for you.

Now will you please
come back inside?

There's, uh, something
I want to show you.

What?
What is it?

Come inside,
and I'll show you.

Can't you show it
to me out here?

I can't show it to you
out in the hall.

I have to show it
to you inside.

And then
I've got to go.

Well? What is it?

What is it? What is it
you've got to show me?

You're looking at it,
Muriel...

Me.

I want to show you
the kind of man I really am.

I want to rip off this
phony tinsel exterior you see

and reveal
what's underneath...

To bare before you
the real Jesse Kiplinger.

I wouldn't do that
if I were you, Jesse.

I'm going to make myself
another drink,

and then I'm going
to tell you a story.

All the things you read
in the paper, Muriel,

about me being
witty, charming,

the boy genius,

that's only
part of the story.

Okay, so I am the hottest
producer in Hollywood,

So I never made a picture
that lost money.

Maybe I got
the magic touch.

Call it talent,
whatever you want.

I don't know.

Yes, I've got Humphrey
Bogart's house

and a silver-gray Maserati,

a Picasso, a Degas,

and seven percent of
the Los Angeles Rams.

But I'll tell you
what I haven't got.

I haven't got love.

I haven't got happiness.

I've got
a 360-degree bed,

and 180 degrees of it
are empty.

Do you know how many times
I've been married, Muriel?

Three.

Three times.

You know
who they were?

Dolores Fayzar,

Carlotta Costello,

and Bebe Bookerman.

Three beautiful women,

three intelligent women,

and three of the worst bitches
you'd ever want to meet.

They took me
for every cent I had,

but I don't even
give a damn about the money.

Screw it!

Oh, excuse me, Muriel.

That's all right.

What hurts is they took
the guts out of me.

I mean, they were phony...

Unfaithful, all of them.

Do you know I caught
my first wife Dolores

in bed with a jockey?

Mmm.

A jockey.

Do you know it does
to a man's self-respect

to find his wife
in the sack

with a 4'8" shrimp,
weighs 112 pounds?

But as I said before,
Muriel,

screw it.

Oh, uh, tell me
if I'm shocking you.

I'll let you know.

All right.

My second wife Carlotta,

She was keeping her
Spanish guitar teacher...

Keeping him.

I never caught her,
but she didn't fool me.

No one takes $28,000 worth
of guitar lessons

in one year.

That does seem
a little high.

All right.

I'm going to tell you
something now

about my third wife

I've never told
a living soul.

You give me your word
you'll never repeat it?

May my husband Larry
be struck by lightning.

Do you know
who her lover was?

Do you know
a famous movie actor

whose initials are A.W.?

Oh, my gosh.
Him?

His wife.

Oh, my God.

I married a faggot.

I gave her all the love
I had in the world,

and she cheated on me
with the woman next door.

Are you sure, Jesse?

What do you mean,
am I sure?

They went to
San Francisco together

for three days
to go shopping,

and all they came back with
was the hotel ashtray.

Is it any wonder
that I'm in a bad way?

Is it any wonder

that I lost my faith
and belief

that there is anything
left in the world

resembling
an uncorrupt woman?

Is it any wonder
that I live alone now,

despondent,

dejected,

disillusioned?

Until last week...

When my mother...

Who still gets
the Tenafly newspaper,

sends me a picture

of the annual...

PTA outing...

At Palisades Park.

And who was there
on the front page,

coming in first

in the mother and daughter
potato race...

Looking every bit
as young and as lovely

and as sweet
as she did that night

15 years ago in
Ruby Foo's restaurant?

Was my last salvation...

Muriel Tate.

That's why I had
to see you, Muriel.

Just to talk to you...

To have a drink...

To spend five minutes

to reaffirm my faith

that there are decent women
in this world...

Even if it is only one,

even if you
are the last...

Of a dying species.

If somebody like you
still exists, Muriel,

then maybe there's still
somebody left for me.

That's why...

I called you yesterday.

I had no idea, Jesse.

God, how you
must have suffered.

I don't know

who to turn to
anymore, Muriel.

But listen, I didn't
ask you up here

to depress you.

You finish
your vodka stinger,

and then I'm going
to let you go.

Oh...

No, no, I have
plenty of time.

Larry's never
home till 7:00.

How are you, Muriel?

Are you happy?

Oh, yes. Happy?

If I'm one thing,
it's happy.

I'm glad.

You deserve happiness,
Muriel.

And I've got it.
I've got happiness.

I've got
a barrel full of it.

Isn't that wonderful?

It hasn't been all good,
mind you.

Larry and I have had
our ups and downs.

It hasn't been easy.

He's not an easy man
to live with.

I'm the only one
who could do it.

That's why
we're so happy.

I couldn't be
more pleased, Muriel.

Well, listen,
I've always liked Larry.

I know, Jesse.

You and I
were the only ones.

Of course, people don't
know him the way we do.

I'm out of stinger.

Are you sure you're going
to be all right?

I mean, driving?

Oh, if I had to worry
about getting home

every time I had
four or five stingers,

I'd give up driving.

Is he doing well
in business?

Oh, in business,
you don't have to worry.

In that department,
he's doing great.

I mean, he's really got
a wonderful business there.

Of course, it was good when
my father gave it to him.

In what department
isn't he doing well?

Ha ha! He's doing well
in every department.

Are you sure?

I'm positive.

Then I'm glad.

Why?
What do you hear?

Oh, I haven't
heard a thing

except what
you're telling me.

Well, I'm telling you
we have a happy marriage.

Are you trying to infer

we don't have
a happy marriage?

No.

Well, you're wrong.

We have a happy marriage...

A goddamn
happy marriage.

Oh! I'm sorry.

I should've had lunch.

Muriel, you... you drank
those too quickly.

Yes, I'm sorry, Jesse.

Can I have another one?
I will drink it slower.

Wouldn't you like
to lie down

for a little while?

What's the point?

You're going back
to California tomorrow.

Oh, God,
what am I saying?

What am I thinking?

What is it, Muriel?

What is it
with you and Larry?

Nothing.
I told you.

We have... we're happy.

We have tiny
little differences

like any normal couple,
but basically,

we're enormously
happy together.

I couldn't ask
for a better life.

You shouldn't have
done that, Jesse.

I'm very vulnerable
right now,

and you must not
take advantage of me.

I'm going.
I've got to go.

Muriel,
I didn't know.

No! Don't! Please!

Muriel, I never
suspected for a minute.

I never dreamed.

No, Jesse,
I've got to go. You...

God, how I
thought about you

on the plane all
the way to New York.

No! Jesse!

I've got to
pick something up

and get dinner
for Larry.

Don't bite my neck.
It'll leave marks.

Empty... my life is empty,

but you can fill it for me,
Muriel, I know you can.

I can't fill your life
for you, Jesse!

I've got to get home!

Larry will kill me!

Stay an hour.
Just till 4:00.

Oh, no! Tomorrow,
I'll be alone with my regrets,

And you'll be out there
with Dino and Groucho!

52 minutes, Muriel.

What we've lost
all these years

we can make up for
in 52 minutes.

No, please, Jesse,
please.

I've got to go pick up
my lamb chops.

51 minutes!

Muriel, 51 minutes!

The world
can change for us!

Can it, Jesse?
Can it really?

If it can for me,
it can for you.

I don't know.
I just don't know.

I don't know.

All right.

Okay, we'll just talk.

All right?

Listen, no one ever got hurt
just talking, did they?

Eh...

Oh, I suppose not.

Of course not.

Well...

What are we...
What will we talk about?

Whatever you say.

Whatever you want.

Oh...

Did you go to

the Academy Awards
last year?

Certainly.
I go every year.

Really?

Really.

Who did you
sit next to?

You know, let me see.

At the theater, I sat
next to Steve McQueen

on one side

and Liza Minnelli
on the other.

Oh, she's adorable,
isn't she?

A real pixie.

Who did you sit
next to at the dinner?

At the dinner...
let me see.

At my table,
there was Warren Beatty

and Julie Christie

and Gregory Peck
and his wife

and Natalie Wood
and her husband.

Oh, she's cute.

Did you talk to her?

Yes. A terrific
conversation.

And then,
at the next table,

There was Anthony Quinn
and Virna Lisi

and Paul Newman.

And Joanne...

Woodward.

Woodward...

And Dean Jones
and Yvette Mimieux.

Together?

Together.

And then, behind us,

there was Troy Donahue
and Stella Stevens

and Sammy Davis Jr.

and Vanessa Redgrave

and Joan Crawford
and Peter Fonda

and Alfred Hitchcock
and Lena Horne.

Ah...

Well, good-bye,
Mr. Kiplinger.

It was very nice having you
back here again.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Come back soon,
will you, sir?

You really
liven up the place.

It's 20 after.
What's keeping them?

They're probably
on their way down.

Stop worrying, Walter.

Oh, how nice.

If I were running
this wedding,

it would've started
on time.

You mean if you were
paying for it,

but you're not,
so stop worrying.

I'm sure the Hubleys
have everything arranged.

I don't care what
it says in the contract.

All I know is I'm
paying for six musicians,

and I'm only getting five.

Now, where's
my other musician?

There's only five
in the band, Mr. Hubley.

But the caterer
told me

it was a six-piece
orchestra.

Six instruments
and five men...

The sax man doubles
on a clarinet.

Well, why should I pay
for a clarinet

when the man
is a saxophone player?

You are not paying
for a clarinet.

You're paying for a band.

I'm not paying
for anything,

unless I get a man
who plays a clarinet

and a man who plays
a saxophone.

Champagne, sir?

What are you serving
champagne now for?

After the wedding,
not before.

I was told
inside...

I don't care
what you were told inside.

I'm not paying for any
pre-wedding champagne.

Bring it back.

They've already opened
the bottle, sir.

Not my bottles,
they haven't opened.

They've opened
their bottles.

My bottles are opened
after the wedding.

You tell them
to start playing.

I'll be over there
listening,

and I'm only paying

for those instruments
I can hear.

Everything
under control, Hubley?

Yeah, yeah,
it's going fine, Walt...

Like clockwork.

Come in, it's open!

Hello, operator?

I want the Hubley-Eisler
wedding in the Baroque room.

Operator, hurry,
it's an emergency.

Just put it with the rest
of the things. Thank you.

Uh, is this
the Hubley-Eisler wedding?

I'd like to speak
to Mr. Hubley, please.

Mrs. Hubley.

Oh, hello, Mrs. Eisler.

No, everything's fine.

Yes, we'll be right down.

Oh, well, I'd like to wish you
the best of luck, too.

Borden's a wonderful boy.

Yes, my Mimsey's
a very, very lucky girl.

Oh, uh...

No, no, she's as calm
as a cucumber.

But, Mr. Hubley...

I don't want
any apologies.

All I want
is my name spelled right

on the match covers
here.

Look at this. You got
200 books of matches.

There's no "E"
in Hubley.

Well, there's nothing
I can do about it now.

Well, you had six weeks

to put one lousy "E".

Mr. Hubley?

Yeah, what the hell
you want?

Your wife is on the phone.
She said it's important.

All right.

Look, if there's
no "E" in the napkins,

I ain't paying

for the napkins
or the matches.

Well, they're both
wonderful kids.

Oh, we do, we do.

We have a lot
to be thankful for.

Yes, we'll be down
in five minutes.

It certainly is.

It's going beautifully
so far.

Roy...

Roy, you better
get up here right away.

We're in big trouble.

Don't ask questions.
Just get up here.

Roy, I hope
you're not drunk.

I can't handle this alone.

Don't say anything.

Just smile,

walk leisurely
out the door,

And get the hell up here
as fast as you can.

All right.

All right, Mimsey.

Your father's
on his way up.

Now I want you
to unlock that door,

come out
of that bathroom,

and get married!

Did you hear me, Mimsey?

I've had enough
of this nonsense.

Unlock this door.

I know what you're
going through, Mimsey.

You're just nervous,
darling.

Everybody
goes through that

on their wedding day.

Everything's
going to be all right.

You love Borden.
Borden loves you.

You're going to
have a wonderful,

wonderful life together,
but you can't have it.

Until you come out of
the bathroom, darling.

Mimsey,
you've got to come out

of the bathroom.

You know
your father's temper.

If you don't care
about your life,

think about mine.

Your father
will kill me.

Oh, God,
he's here, Mimsey.

Mimsey, please,
spare me this.

Just come out
and get married now.

If you want,

I'll have it annulled
next week.

Come on!

We got a wedding
in five minutes.

All right.

All right, I'm letting
your father in.

Heaven help
the three of us.

Why are you standing here?

There are
68 people down there

drinking my liquor.

Are we going to have
a wedding or not?

Come on!

Did you hear
what I said?

There's another couple

waiting to use
the Baroque room.

Now come on,
let's go.

Roy...

Roy, could you
sit down a minute?

I want to talk to you
about something.

You want to talk now?
You had 21 years to talk

while
she was growing up.

We'll talk when
they're in Bermuda.

Can we please have
a wedding?

We can't have a wedding
until you and I have a talk.

Are you crazy?

While you and I
are talking,

there are five musicians
down there

getting $85 an hour.

I'll talk to you later
when we're dancing.

Now come on,
get Mimsey and let's go.

That's what I want
to talk to you about.

Mimsey?

Roy, sit down.

You're not gonna
like this.

Is she sick?

She's not sick...

Exactly.

What do you mean,
she's not sick exactly?

Either she's sick,
or she's not sick.

Is she sick?

She's not sick.

Then let's have
the wedding.

Mimsey, there's $200 worth
of cocktail frankfurters

getting cold
downstairs.

Mimsey?

Where's Mimsey?

You promise you're
not gonna blame me?

Blame you for what?
What did you do?

I didn't do anything!

I just don't want
to be blamed for it!

What's going on here?

Are you going to tell me
where Mimsey is?

Are you gonna take an oath
you're not gonna blame me?

I take it, I take it!
Now where the hell is she?

She's locked herself
in the bathroom.

She's not coming out,

and she's not
getting married.

No kidding.
Where is she?

He doesn't believe me.
I'll kill myself.

Mimsey?

Mimsey!

Mimsey?

All right,
what'd you say to her?

I knew it.
I knew you'd blame me.

You took an oath.
God will punish you.

I'm not blaming you.
I'm not blaming you.

I just want to know

what stupid thing
you said to her

to make her do this.

I didn't say a word.

I was putting on
my lipstick.

She was
in the bathroom.

I heard the door
go "click."

It was locked.
My whole life was over.

What do you
want from me?

I see.

And you didn't
say a word?

Nothing.

You're trying to tell me
that a normal, healthy,

intelligent 21-year-old
college graduate

who has driven me crazy
the last nine months

with wedding lists,
floral arrangements,

and choices of assorted
hors d'oeuvres

has suddenly decided
to spend this,

the most important day
of her life,

locked in
the Plaza Hotel john?

Yes. Yes! Yes!

Yes, yes, yes!

You must've said something!

Roy.

Roy.

What are you
gonna do?

Well, first, I'm going
to get the college graduate

out of the bathroom.

Then we're going
to have a wedding,

and then you and I
are going to have a big talk!

Mimsey!

Mimsey.

I want you and
your $400 wedding dress

out of there
in five seconds!

Roy...

Roy, will you please
lower your voice?

Everybody will hear us.

Well, how long

do you think we can
keep this a secret?

As soon as that boy
down there says "I do,"

and there's nobody
standing next to him,

they're going
to suspect something.

Mimsey, you can't
stay in there forever.

We only have
the room until 6:00.

Do you hear me?

Roy, will you please try
to control yourself?

All right,
all right.

I'll stay here
and control myself.

You can go down there and
marry the tall skinny kid.

What the hell
is the matter with you?

Don't you know
what's happening?

Mimsey!

Get out of there!
I paid for my sister

to come here all the way
from California!

Now open the door!

Open the door!

Maybe she's
not even in there.

She's in there!

God, I think I'm having
a heart attack.

Of all days to have
a heart attack.

I don't hear a peep
out of her.

Is there a window
in there?

Maybe she tried
something crazy.

That's right.

Tell a woman who's
having a heart attack

that her daughter
jumped out the window.

Well, take a look
in there.

Take a look
through the keyhole.

I want to make sure
that she's in there.

She's in there,
she's in there!

Look at this.
Look at this.

My hand keeps bouncing
off my chest.

Are you going to look to

see what your daughter's
doing in the bathroom,

Or do I hire a bellhop?

I'll look,
I'll look!

Oh, my god!

What?
What is it?

I ripped
my stockings.

Is she in there?

She's in there,
she's in there.

Where am I going
to get another pair

of stockings now?

How am I going to go
to the wedding

with torn stockings?

Well, if she
doesn't show up,

who's going
to look at you?

There she is.

I can see you, Mimsey.

Do you hear me?

Don't turn away from me
when I'm talking to you.

The only one in my family

to have a daughter
married at the Plaza,

I've got torn stockings.

Do you want me to break
the door down, Mimsey?

Is that what you want?

Because that's what
I'm going to do

if you're not out
of there in five seconds.

Stop crying
on your dress!

Use the towel!

Maybe I could run across
to Bergdorf's.

They have nice stockings.

Give me $4.00. I'll
be back in ten minutes.

In ten minutes, she's going
to be a married woman,

because I've had enough
of this nonsense.

All right, Mimsey,
stand in the shower,

because I'm breaking
down the door.

Roy,
don't get crazy.

Get out of my way.

Roy, she'll come out.
Just talk nicely to her.

We've already had
nice talking.

Now we're going to have
door breaking.

Get out of the way.

All right, Mimsey!
I'm coming in!

Don't! Don't! Don't!

Uh.

Get a doctor.

I knew it.

I knew it.

Don't tell me
you knew it.

Just get a doctor,
will you?

I'm not coming in,
Mimsey,

'cause
my arm is broken.

Roy.

Roy, let me see it.

Let me see it.

Can you move
the fingers?

Are you happy now?

Your mother's
got torn stockings,

Your father's
got a broken arm.

How much longer
is this gonna go on?

Roy, it's not broken.

You can
move the fingers.

Give me $4.00
with your other hand.

I have to get stockings.

Are you crazy,
moving a broken arm?

$2.00... I'll get
a cheap pair.

I ain't carrying
any cash today.

Everything
is rented, rented.

I can't rent stockings!

Don't you even have
a charge plate?

Wait in the Baroque room,
will you?

You're of no use
to me here.

Go wait
in the Baroque room.

With torn stockings?

Something's
going on up there.

Walter...

I better find out.

Oh! Maybe
her zipper broke.

For 20 minutes?

Suite 719, please.

They're going to
be calling

from downstairs
any second now

asking where
the bride is,

and I'm the one that's going
to have to talk to them.

Me! Me! Me!

That's them.
You speak to them.

What happened
to me, me, me?

Answer it.
Come on, answer it.

What am I
going to say?

Tell them everything's
all right.

They'll know I'm lying.

They'll know by the panic
in my voice.

Hello?

Oh, hello, Mr. Eisler.

No, no,
everything's fine.

Shh! Stall them.
Stall them.

Just keep
stalling them.

Whatever you do,
stall them.

Yes, yes, we'll be down
in two minutes.

Are you crazy?

What did you
say that for?

I told you
to stall them!

I stalled them.
You got two minutes.

What do you want from me?

You always panic!

The minute there's
a little crisis,

you always go to pieces
and you panic!

Don't you wave
your broken arm at me!

Why don't you use it

to get your daughter
out of the bathroom!

I could say something
to you right now.

Why don't you
go ahead and say it?

Because it would lead
to a fight,

and I don't want to
spoil this day for you.

I don't want
to rush anyone,

but I have another wedding
at the pier at 4:30.

Oh.

Mimsey, this is
your father speaking.

I think you know
that I am not a violent man.

I can be stern and strict,

but I have never
once been violent.

Except when I'm angry,

and I'm really angry now,
Mimsey.

You can ask your mother.

Mimsey, this is
your mother speaking.

It's true, darling.

Your father
is very angry.

Mimsey, this is
your father again.

If you have a problem
you would like to discuss,

unlock the door
and we'll discuss it.

I'm not going to ask you
this again, Mimsey.

I've reached the end
of my patience!

I'm gonna count to three...

And by God, I'm warning
you, young lady,

by the time I reach three,
this door better be open!

One!

Two!

Three!

Where did we fail her?

Don't say that, Roy.

We didn't fail her.

They're playing "Here
Comes the Bride" downstairs,

and she's barricaded
in the toilet.

We must have failed her.

All right, if it
makes you any happier,

we failed her.

You work, you hope,
and you dream

and you save your whole life
for this one day,

and in one click of a door,
suddenly everything crumbles.

Why? What's the answer?

It's not your fault.

Roy, stop blaming
yourself.

I'm not blaming myself.
I know I've done my best.

What does that mean?

It means that we're
not perfect, that's all.

We all make mistakes.
We're only human.

I've done my best,
and we've failed her.

Meaning I didn't
do my best?

I didn't say that.

I don't know
what your best is.

Only you know
what your best is.

Did you do your best?

Yes, I did my best!

And I did my best.

Then we both
did our best.

So it's not our fault.

That's what
I said before!

Unless one of us
didn't do our best.

I don't want to
discuss it anymore.

What are we gonna do?

You come up with something!
I'm having a heart attack!

All right. I'll just have to go
down and tell them, that's all.

Tell them? What are you
gonna tell them?

Well, I don't know.
Those people down there

deserve some kind
of an explanation.

They got all dressed up,
didn't they?

What are you going
to tell them?

Are you going to say
that my daughter

is not gonna
marry their son

and that she's locked
herself in a bathroom?

What do you
want me to do,

start off with
a couple of good jokes?

They're gonna find out
soon enough.

There's only enough
hors d'oeuvres

for two more hours.

I'll tell you what
you're gonna do.

If she's not out of
there in five minutes,

we're gonna go out
the back door

and move to
Seattle, Washington!

You don't think
I'm gonna be able

to show my face in
this city again, do you?

Roy!

Roy!

You know what
that chair is gonna cost me?

Almost as much as
that door is gonna cost me.

I'm glad my father's
not alive to see this day.

Would you believe it?
Last night I cried.

Oh, yes.

I turned my head
into the pillow,

and I lay there
in the dark crying.

Because today I was
losing my little girl.

Some stranger was coming

and taking my little
Mimsey away from me.

So I turned my back
away from you

and I cried.

Wait'll you hear
what goes on tonight.

I should have invited
your cousin Lily.

She wished this on me,
I know it.

You find something
funny about this?

Yes, I find something
funny about this.

I find it funny

that I hired
a photographer for $300.

I find it hysterical

that the wedding pictures
are gonna be you and me

in front of
a locked bathroom door.

Well, I'm through
sitting around, waiting

for that door to open!

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

What do you
think I'm doing?

If you're jumping,
I'm going with you.

You're not
leaving me here alone.

I'm gonna crawl out
along on the ledge

and get in there through
the bathroom window.

Are you crazy?

It's seven stories high!
You'll kill yourself!

Come on...
Will you let go of me?

I know what I'm doing.

Roy, don't do this.

We'll leave her
in the bathroom.

Let the hotel
worry about it.

Will you let go of me?

Roy, please!

You're gonna rip my coat!

Hey, you in there.

Are you happy now?

Your mother's
got torn stockings,

your father's got
a rented ripped coat.

Come on,

Look at your mother
and father.

Are you proud?

You happy
to see your parents

look like a couple
of run-over gypsies?

I'm coming after you,
Mimsey!

I'm coming after you
with my one good arm!

Get out of my way.

Ooh, I'm dizzy.
I'm gonna pass out.

You can pass out
after the wedding.

I'm dizzy!

Call room service.
The minute I get back,

I want a double scotch.

And some needle
and thread.

I mean it, Roy.
Roy, I...

Roy!
Roy, come back.

Please, God,
come back.

Please let him
be all right.

Please, God.

Roy.

Roy!

Roy...Roy...

Aah. Aah. Aah.

Aah.

He'll kill himself.

He'll fall
and kill himself.

That's the way my luck's
been going all day.

Go away.

Go away, pigeons.

Come on, pigeons, move.

Get the hell outta there,
you goddamn pigeons.

I won't look.

I won't look. I'll wait
until I hear the scream.

Aah!

Oh, God! God,
I thought it was him.

What am I going to say?

What am I going to say?

Hello?

Oh, Mr. Eisler!

No. No,
everything's fine.

Are you sure?

We're starting to get
worried down here.

Is Mr. Hubley with you?

Uh, Roy? No.

He just stepped out
for a second.

He's coming right down.

Have some more
hors d'oeuvres.

It's stopped.
It's stopped beating.

I knew it.

I knew it.

I knew it.

It had to happen!

Roy?

Roy, where are you?

Roy!

He fell.

He fell. He fell.
I know he fell.

He's laying there in a puddle

in front of trader Vic's.

I'm passing out.

I'm really passing out.

I'm coming.

I'm coming. Help me.

Please, somebody help me!

She locked
the bathroom window, too.

I had to go in through
a strange bedroom.

There may be a lawsuit.

Don't yell at her.

Don't get her
any more upset.

Don't get her upset?

I'm hanging seven stories
from a gargoyle

in the pouring rain,

and you want me
to worry about her?

Do you know what
she's doing in there?

She's playing with
her false eyelashes.

I'm out there

fighting for my life
with pigeons,

and she's playing
with eyelashes!

I've made up my mind.

The minute I get
my hands on her,

I'm gonna kill her.

Once I show them
the wedding bills,

no jury on Earth
will convict me!

No.

No, no, I've
changed my mind.

Killing's
too good for her.

She can go
into a convent.

Let her become
a librarian

with thick glasses

and a pencil
in her hair.

Let her become
the first spinster

on the moon!
I'm not paying

for any more
canceled weddings!

Tell her!
Go ahead, tell her!

Never mind.
I'll tell her myself.

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

I'm gonna smoke her
out of there.

No!

I don't care if
the whole hotel goes up!

No! I'll get her out.

I'll get her out.
I'll get her out.

I'll get her out.
I will.

Mimsey?

Mimsey, do you want
to destroy a family?

Do you want a scandal?

Do you want a story
in the Daily News?

Is that what you want?
Is it?

Open this door.

Open this door!

Promise you won't
get hysterical.

What did you do?

I broke
my diamond ring.

Your good diamond ring?

How many do I have?

Hey, you in there
with the false eyelashes!

You want to see
a broken diamond ring?

You want to see $1,800
worth of crushed baguettes?

Here! Here, look
through the keyhole.

There's a worthless
family heirloom.

There's a wooden
diamond cutter!

Do you know what
I'm gonna do now?

Do you have any idea?

I'm gonna wash my hands

of the entire
Eisler-Hubley wedding.

You can take
all your Eislers

and all your Hubleys

and all your
hors d'oeuvres.

And go to Central Park

and have yourselves
an $8,000 picnic.

And then yous
can wipe your faces

on 200
misspelled napkins.

I'm going down
to the Oak room

with my broken arm
and my ripped suit,

and I'm gonna get blind.

I don't mean drunk,
I mean totally blind!

Because I don't care if I ever see
you or your crazy daughter again

if I live
to be a thousand!

That's right!
Run out on me!

Run out on your daughter!

Run out on everybody
just when they need you!

You don't need me.

You need a rhinoceros
with a blowtorch

because no one else can
get into that bathroom.

I'll tell you who can
get into that bathroom.

Somebody with love
and understanding.

Somebody who cares about
that poor kid who's

going through some
terrible decision there

and needs help.

Help that only you
can give her.

And that I can give her!

That's who can get
into that bathroom now!

Mimsey, this is daddy.

Is there something
wrong, dear?

I want to help you,
darling.

Mother and I both do,

but how can we help you
if you won't talk to us?

Mimsey, can you hear me?

Well, what does it say?

"I would like
to talk to daddy."

I'll try not
to be too long.

"I would like
to talk to daddy."

Did she have to write it
on this kind of paper?

Well, maybe
I didn't do my best.

I thought we had such
a good relationship. Friends.

Everybody said we were friends,
not mother and daughter.

Tried to teach her
there could be more

than just love between
mother and daughter,

there could be trust...

Respect...Friendship...

Understanding.

Just because I don't
speak to my mother

doesn't mean
we can't be different.

Uh, the Baroque room,
please.

Yes. Mr. Borden Eisler.

Right. Thank you.

I'm gonna have to guess,
is that it?

It's so bad, you
can't even tell me.

Words can't form
in your mouth,

it's so horrible.

Come on, Roy.
I'm a strong person.

Tell me quickly.
I'll get over it.

Borden,
this is Mr. Hubley.

Can you come up
to 719 right away?

Right away. Thank you.

She wanted to talk
to me

because
she couldn't bear

to tell us both
at the same time.

The reason
she's locked herself

in the bathroom
is that she's afraid.

Afraid? What
is she afraid of,

that Borden
doesn't love her?

Not that Borden
doesn't love her.

That she doesn't
love Borden?

Not that she
doesn't love Borden.

What is she afraid of?

She's afraid of what
they're gonna become.

I don't understand.

Well, think about it.

What is there
to think about?

They love each other,
they'll get married,

they'll have children,
they'll grow older,

they'll become like us.

I never thought
about that.

Makes you stop and
wonder, doesn't it?

Well, I don't think
we're so bad, do you?

Huh?

All right, so we yell
and scream a little.

So we fight and curse
and aggravate each other.

So you blame me
for being a lousy mother,

I accuse you of being
a rotten husband.

That doesn't mean
we're not happy, does it?

Does it?

She wants
something better.

- Hello, Borden.
- Hi.

Hello, darling.

Hello.

Listen, Borden,

You're an
intelligent young man.

I'm not gonna beat around
the bush with you.

We've got a serious
problem on our hands.

Like what?

I'll tell you like what.

Mimsey is worried.

She's worried about
your future together.

She's worried about

the whole institution
of marriage.

Now, we have tried
to allay her fears,

but obviously

we haven't been
a very good example.

It seems that
you are the only one

who can communicate
with her now, Bords.

She's locked herself
in the bathroom in there

and she will not
come out.

It's up to you now.

Mimsey, this is Borden.

Cool it!

See you downstairs.

I'm ready now.

Now you're ready, huh?

Now you come out.

Roy, please.

I break every bone
in my body,

and you come out
for "cool it"?

You're beautiful, darling.

Walk.
Walk with your father.

I want to look
at the two of you together.

That's how he
communicates, huh?

That's the brilliant
understanding

between two people?

"Cool it"?

Walk, Roy.
Will you walk?

In five minutes, he'll marry
one of the flower girls.

Four years he went
to law school,

and all he learned how
to say is "cool it"?

They'll be all right,
won't they, Roy?

She was better off
in the bathroom.

Do you hear me?
Better off in the bathroom.