Playing House (2006) - full transcript

Here's what no one ever

tells you about your 20s.

You'll still have no
clue who you really are

and you will be the last one to know it.

When I was a kid, I thought
I'd have it all figured out.

By the ancient age of 28,
I'd have a glamorous husband,

a successful career, possibly a castle.

Instead, I had a roommate, a subway pass,

and a credit card balance the
size of a third world GMP.

But I was happy.

I had great friends, New York,



fun guys like Calvin to spend time with.

What more did I need?

Actually, I was about to find out,

I just didn't know it yet.

This one's for Frannie.

Oh wait.

What is that?

Oh, hmm.

Okay it's not so much that
there's pizza in your bed,

it's that it's the second time this week.

What do we have here?

Ooh, anchovies and pineapple, very bold.

So, so I get late
night take out cravings.

I never said that I was domestic.



Oh, I have a confession to make too.

Do you?

I'm not after your cooking.

You can't stay tonight, you know?

I can't be late tomorrow again.

- Okay
- I can't Calvin.

♪ I, do want him; ♪

♪ Something to begin ♪

♪ And trick him into
knowing what to think ♪

♪ While walking around waiting downtown ♪

Oh my God, you're Michael...

Shh, don't speak.

I just read your last theatre
review and had to meet you.

I've been waiting for an editor like you

for my whole life, Pulitzer be damned.

Francis!

I didn't see you.

How embarrassing.

You want to put some ice on that.

Why was Michael Tate here?

Because I, the genius that I am,

talked him into doing a
series of essays for us.

Take that Vanity Fair.

I want the assignment.

But you're a very fine
entertainment editor, right?

I mean movie stars and
those little book prices,

I mean that's your niche.

Glory in it, carpe librum.

But I edited the
Indachi Feature when Joan

had her goiter surgery, you
said that you liked my work.

Veniva has seniority, ergo the job.

What job?

Marina, what job?

I totally respect that, I do.

On the other hand if I could
just say in my defense,

quiz me, okay?

I have read everything
that he's ever written.

His work is, God it's an
explosion of pure verbal lyricism

and why couldn't I have said
that to him five minute ago?

But my point is is that
I know how he thinks

and I know what he needs.

And not giving me a shot
at this is a mistake.

Please give me a chance.

There's something vaguely
Darwinian about this

that peaks my interest so
here's what I'm gonna' do.

I'm gonna' set up a little meeting

and the rest is up to you.

Oh, thank you!

A little less, a little less hugging.

Oh, sorry.

Okay!

Yes!

What was I thinking?

I mean the guy won a Pulitzer and I think

I'm good enough to edit him.

Where'd I get the hubris?

For one thing, you know
what the hell a hubris is.

Hey, d'you wanna' borrow my shoes?

Mm-mm, too sexy.

I need something that says that I'm wise

and capable and do not
usually walk into doors.

Well that one just says Hooters.

This new pill I'm on is totally
screwing with my hormones.

I feel like I'm smuggling
Zeppelins under here.

Remind me to feel sorry
for you when I get boobs.

I'm so excited that I'm nauseous.

So...

How do I look?

Like a feature's editor.

But I think at the end of the day,

you've got a book, ya know?

Here comes Cinderella now.

Punctual as ever.

Michael, may I present Francis Mackenzie.

- Hello.
- Hi.

I'm so sorry I'm late.

Oh no, not at all.

My father has a saying
that a woman is never late

if she's worth waiting for.

Oh that's nice.

How's the head?

Better.

- Good.
- Thank you.

So, tell us about your process.

Well it's very complex.

Usually I stare at the
page 'til the terror

recedes enough to write.

So um, what sort of themes
were you thinking of exploring?

An examination of the state aloud

attraction, fidelity, commitment.

Oh, that's interesting.

I'm sure Frannie here would
feel guilty editing you,

there'd be so little work
to do, right Frannie?

Well, not really.

I mean, there's a few things that...

Really.

Oh, go on.

You may be over fond of aphorism

and too afraid of imagery at times

and your arguments do tend to lose focus

and stray into repetition, maybe a little

tiny bit.

Maybe.

I think what she meant to say...

No, I confess I usually
don't get criticism

from perspective editors.

I can imagine.

Which is kind of why you need to though.

I think when you're as good as you are,

people tend to stop asking for better.

Now I have more faith
in your talent than that

and I think that you do too.

Interesting.

Look, I may have been
a bit harsh in the end.

Okay, here's the thing.

If I'm gonna' trust your instincts,

I have to know who I'm
dealing with, right?

We're gonna' have to get completely naked,

figuratively speaking.

Where did you go to school?

Columbia.

Where are you from?

New York, just outside of New York.

You know what, actually
nowhere near New York.

A tiny town just north of Toronto.

What's your favorite novel?

Ulysses.

Impressive.

Now, tell me the real one.

Gone with the Wind?

No, no, why would you
possibly admit that out loud?

You said to get completely naked, so.

At least have socks on, woman.

Clearly you need me as much as I need you.

So, hopefully some of my good
taste will rub off on ya'.

All right, let's get to it.

Yeah, okay, okay.

12 months.

12 examinations of the way love shapes us,

makes us, breaks us.

This is the quest I begin,

the journey I hope to take you on,

and in the end I hope
to uncover these many

little truths for all
of us solitary voyagers.

So what do you think?

He sounds really arrogant.

Arrogant.

How can you say that?

Okay, okay what do you think?

It's kind of boring.

You don't have to do that, you know?

The stove always shorts.

I leave in a week, I would
feel much more comfortable

if I knew you weren't going
to starve while I'm gone.

But I don't cook.

I mean, what is he even
trying to say in that article,

in english?

It's about defining the nature of love.

Are you saying that you could do better?

No, no, I'm saying
I'd be too start to try.

Okay, how about this one?

Um, kind of desperate.

Okay here, describe green to me.

You know I can't describe green to you.

Exactly, and that's just a color

so what makes writer boy think
that he can explain love?

Okay.

Kind of tardy?

Yes, we have a winner.

Don't wait up for me.

Okay bye, have fun!

Thanks I will!

Ooh.

Calvin.

My work here is done.

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.

Oh, this is classic,
now you're shooting down

my entire thesis.

Look, I'm not saying that
opposites don't attract okay,

they do, I'm just saying
that they don't last.

It's mostly a physical.

Oh, meaning what?

Real love is strictly mental?

Have you ever been in love?

Sure.

Real love like Tristan and Isolde love.

Oh, love!

Yeah.

No, not yet.

You?

Oh yeah, all the time.

Highly recommend it.

Look, I'm just saying
that the real stuff

I think is based on a kind of
common commonality, you know?

A meeting of like minds kind of thing.

Well now, you and I are like minded,

so you're saying that
you're attracted to me?

You have to say I'm, you know,

pressed for curiosity for the article.

You can't ask me that.

Sure I can, I just did.

You're stalling.

I am not.

You're stalling.

I am not stalling, I'm just saying

that I never thought about it.

Maybe, yeah.

But um, maybe you should.

Hey, I have a showing.

A friend has a showing
tomorrow night at the Regency.

You should come with, huh?

We can keep talking about this, together.

Okay.

All right, bye.

Hey.

Oh.

Oh, oh.

Sorry I'm late.

It's amazing how many
pairs of underwear you need

for a three month tour.

It's like six, seven.

That was a joke Fran, you okay?

Yeah, I'm sorry.

I'm just so out of it.

Probably just sensitive
because I'm leaving.

It's understandable, I'm quite a loss.

I'm going to miss you, three months?

God, you know, that's kind
of longer than we've been

seeing each other.

Right.

Probably be swarmed by foreign chicks

who just love jazz.

Sure.

But they won't be you.

Calvin.

Look we never really talked
about what the understanding

was gonna' be while you're gone.

Personally, I was hoping
you would stay at home

and pine.

Pine?

And knit me things.

Yeah.

Look, I'm not an idiot Fran,

we're early days here.

I don't own you but

I want you to know I'm
gonna' come looking for you

the moment I get back.

Um, Francis Mackenzie.

Nope, no Mackenzie.

Who are you here with?

Um, Michael Tate, t, a...

She's with me.

Hi.

You look lovely.

Thank you, thank you.

You know um, I practically
lived at the MOMA when I moved

to New York.

I think after words, art
is definitely my next love.

Yeah, I got lucky.

I sort of grew up around writers
and painters my whole life.

Yeah.

What, what is under that smile?

Oh, it's just um,

you know I've kind of fantasized
about this sort of night

since I moved to New York.

It's not that I fantasized
about you per se,

not in a good way or a bad way.

Sometimes I just, I have to stop.

I like it.

I think your thoughts are the
one thing you don't add up.

Come on, I want to introduce
you to some people.

Okay.

This is Dr. Tim Cano.

Word of advice,

if you ever start feeling
like life is finally

exactly where you wanted it to be, duck.

Because fates about to throw you a curve.

I'm sorry, I don't know
what's wrong with me.

I'll just take one.

Thank you very much.

No, I'm good.

Look, I'm freaking out.

I can't even look, just
tell me when it changes.

Did you pee on this?

Yes Marina, I peed on it okay.

That's the way that it works.

Just please, please,
please, please, please,

please, please, please, please

please, please not now!

Not now!

Okay, just be cool because there's

no way that you're pregnant.

No way.

I swear to God if Calvin got me pregnant,

I will, I will, I will break every finger

on his guitar hand.

I will break him.

I can't get fat, I don't
have the cheekbones.

Please God, please.

I will give up sex and chocolate.

And sex involving chocolate.

Frannie, I think it's done.

What does two lines mean?

You're definitely pregnant.

Sorry, go ahead.

I'd say you were 10 weeks.

10 weeks, wow.

Can I see it?

Not yet, but would you
like to hear the heartbeat?

Already?

Oh you'd be surprised
how quickly it all happens.

I know what a shock it can
be for my new patients.

You go about your life
and walk around thinking

nothing's changed.

Meanwhile, there's this.

That's it's heart?

Mm-hmm.

Sounds scared.

I guess we already
have something in common.

You do have options, Frannie.

We need to talk about them
because you're going to have to

make some decisions very soon.

♪ It's hard to describe how I feel ♪

♪ I just don't have the right words ♪

♪ A little tired, a little scared ♪

♪ A little frozen from this world ♪

♪ So let's keep on driving
until it all just melts away ♪

♪ And we can wake up in another
place and to another day ♪

♪ The scenery will change
and I'll feel better ♪

♪ You can't hold me down for too long ♪

♪ With your hand in mine and
our hearts in the right places ♪

♪ We're a long way from home ♪

♪ But things look ♪

♪ Brighter from here ♪
Next.

Welcome to Canada.

Business or pleasure?

Neither actually, I'm
here visiting my parents.

Good luck with that.

Thank you.

I love my family, but the
closer you are to your parents,

the more space you need from them

at a certain point in your life.

A lot of space, like an
international border between you

kind of space.

They're kind of crazy and
they're completely smothering,

but they're mine.

And I still need their approval.

I'm an adult, I'm an adult,

I'm an adult.

Hi!

Hun, she's here!

Happy anniversary!

I can't believe you made it.

What a lovely surprise.

Where's your luggage?

Oh, I'm actually heading back tomorrow.

I have to work in the morning.

Oh, interesting.

There's my Frannie, oh it
warms my heart to see you

pet, what a treat.

Hi dad!

Let's move to the
kitchen, I'm doin' the...

I've been reading some
of your recent articles.

Really?

That is wonderful stuff.

- Thank you dad.
- Wonderful.

Dear uh, put the kettle
on and I'll join you girls

in a minute.

So can I hep you with the party prep?

What are you not telling me?

What?

Mom, save the head
shrinking for your patients.

Okay, nothing's wrong.

I'm just here because I
love you and I missed you.

And

I'm a tiny bit pregnant.

John!

Frannie and I are going out!

Oh, feel free to offer congratulations.

You've got to give
me a little bit of time

to process this.

The last time we talked
there wasn't anyone special

and now there is a baby?

I assume this wasn't planned.

Not so much.

Well, that's fine.

I mean you're a healthy young woman.

You have sexual needs...

Mom.

Dear, I have many clients your age

and the amount of casual
sex you all are having is,

well astounding.

Mom, I'm not one of your patients.

Okay, I'm not crazy, I'm just pregnant.

Please don't call them crazy.

Tell me about the boy.

He's a musician.

Tell me something
I'd like about the boy.

Well his name is Calvin Putty.

He comes from a long line
of meat packers, I think.

Uh huh, and you have told him,

this singing meat packer.

That's kind of a funny story really

because you'll like this one,

he left the country
before I could tell him.

Uh huh, so you will raise the child

in New York, alone.

It's not like it's
never been done before.

I'll be fine, I've thought of everything.

Francis, hear me out.

I'm your mother, I love
you, but I also know you

and sweetheart, you just
aren't the kind of woman

who can do this on her own.

I am doing this, okay?

And mom,

I would really like your support

because I'm actually kind
of terrified right now.

Frannie.

Miss me yet?

Calvin?

Sorry, you're gonna' have to speak up,

it's a lousy connection.

Uh, where are you?

In a goldmine.

Can't find it on a map,
but they love us here.

You should come next time.

So, what's new with you.

Oh, you know, nothing new.

I am in Toronto, I'm behind deadline.

I'm pregnant.

Vagrant?

Pregnant?

Gotta be louder Fran, I can't hear.

Oh for God sakes,
Calvin you knocked me up,

I'm having your baby!

Did you hear me?

Are you there?

Lousy

connection.

So.

So, I think he hung up on me.

The important thing
is that you told him.

This is really good.

So let's go home and
what you need right now

is be surrounded by your family.

Our family?

Yeah.

Penis!

Vagina!

Penis!

Vagina!

Penis!

Vagina, vagina, vagina!

Vagina, vagina.

Mom, you should've seen Robyn today.

She did the best rolls in Kinder Gym.

So dad, Sandy and I

loved our Christmas cruise so much,

we're sending you and mom for you gift.

Oh no, you really shouldn't.

That's too much.

No, no it's not the expense.

It's the thought that counts.

I wish people would say what they mean.

So, I'm pretty much
going to go on and on

bragging about myself
tonight, mostly to distract

everyone from that very
small penis Frannie saw

in the kiddie pool that one summer.

But also, to compensate
for my tense marriage

and overly medicated
pill popping wife here.

It's true, he will.

Oh and Fran, I'm gonna'
talk insistently to mom

about parenting to make you feel left out

and to distract myself from the gaping

suck hole of a wound
where my life used to be.

Oh and I hate you for
still having a waist.

Aunt Frannie, you're day dreaming again.

Snap out of it.

Happy anniversary!

Happy anniversary.

- John.
- Madeline.

What's up New York?

Too good for champagne now?

No.

Come on, since when don't you drink?

Richard, she doesn't have to drink

if she doesn't want to.

What is she pregnant or something?

Surprise!

Well, congrats.

Richard.

No, no.

I mean that's great.

Just because we've been trying years

and have five dogs and a freakin' ferret

turning our house into a dog damned kennel

just to fill the void,

when I'm sure all Frannie had to do

was one too many shots
of liquor and a sailor.

Woo hoo!

That's no reason to be bitter.

In fact, a toast to my little sister.

My knocked up little sister.

Pass the
Yorkshire pudding, please.

Can someone pass the gravy?

Gravy's comin' at ya'.

Dad.

You've always done things
your own way, Frannie.

Not always things I choose for you.

But, it always worked out in the end.

Congratulations pet.

Thanks dad.

Let's uh, eat hmm?

Next.

Calvin, you ass.

Excuse me?

Oh no, not you.

I barely know, don't be silly.

Uh huh.

Residency.

Manhattan.

You live in New York but
your citizenship is Canadian?

May I see your visa please, ma'am?

It just expired recently.

I mean expired is such
a strong word, right?

I much prefer lapsed.

This says it expired two years ago.

So, isn't this interesting.

Living illegally on American soil?

Did you really think you
could get away with it

Ms. Mackenzie, if that is your real name?

What do you have to say for yourself?

I'm sorry.

I'm really, really sorry.

I'll be sure to pass that
along to the taxpayers.

You can forget about this flight.

You're not going to be
crossing our borders

anytime soon.

But that's ridiculous,
I have a job to get to.

Look, I'm not even from Canada anymore,

I'm a New Yorker.

Ma'am, you do not
raise your voice to me.

I am a government officer.

Oh please, you are a hairnet away

from a fast food cashier.

Look that is my hormones
talking, that's not me.

Okay, I'm sorry, look.

Girl to girl, woman to woman,

I can't handle this stress right now

because I'm actually with child.

Oh.

Well, in that case.

Under article five sub
seven, you are hereby

barred from entering the United States

for no less than one year.

You can't do this, I...

Have a good day.

I'd offer you fries with that,

but we're fresh out.

Next!

That little polyester wearing desk pot!

She probably got fired from Smart Mart,

now she's all like "Woo-hoo, look at me,

"I'm a border guard, I can
make your life a living hell!"

Frannie, this is silly.

You have lived in New
York for nearly 10 years.

You surely have a visa.

There is a small possibility

that I may have forgotten
to renew it recently.

Francis!

What, I'm sure that
there's a loophole, okay?

I'm sure that I can
contest it and reapply.

In the present
immigration climate?

How far along are you?

11 weeks.

Why?

I hate to be the one to
break this to you, dear but...

Don't even say it mom.

You are not going back to New York

until you have had this baby.

So now I'm pregnant and homeless.

What do you expect me to
do, you want me to send

for my stuff and wait it
out here in the tundra?

Do you have an alternative suggestion?

No.

Not even a little bit.

Just stay with us, pet.

Oh.

Come on.

Come on!

Come on, just please, please, please,

please, please work!

Pronto.

Hello Mr. Halsford?

Hi, this is Frannie Mackenzie.

Look I'm, I missed my flight.

My visa was denied.

Is this your somewhat peculiar
way of asking for a raise?

What, oh no, not that kind of visa.

Look I, I'm stuck in Toronto,

but don't panic.

Nobody needs to panic, it's
a global village, right?

I mean I can totally, totally keep working

with Michael from here.

And how long do you intend to remain

one of the global village people?

Oh not long, just a few months.

Possibly 12.

Just long enough to have a baby.

I see.

The next sound you hear
will be me hanging up.

It's not fair, you know?

I mean I graduated from Columbia, twice!

I just worked so hard to get
out of this stupid little town

and now I'm back and I'm trapped

and I'm about to get really, really fat.

Listen, Halsford seems fine with you

handing Tate's stuff up there if he is.

That's a conversation
that I'm dying to have.

I adore you, please take me
away and love me forever.

By the way, I'm having another man's baby.

Have you um, have you heard from Calvin.

Does silence count?

I could put a hit on him, you know?

I know people.

All right, I've slept with
people who say they know people.

Oh my god Marina, that's Michael.

I have to go, okay?

Wish me luck.

Hello?

So, just heard the
big news form Halsford.

Congratulations.

So what do you think?

I think there are easier ways to get out

of a second date with me.

Yeah it's just,

you sure you can do this?

Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, I know that
it's gonna' be hard but uh,

I think that I'll probably
be a good mom, you know?

I meant the articles.

Right, right of course you did.

It's just I've never worked
long distance before Frannie,

and it's not organic, to be
frank it makes me nervous.

Look Michael, I know
that this situation is not

ideal okay, but I take
my work very seriously

and I swear to you that we can do this.

Just please, please, please trust me.

I do.

Of course I do, um,

I'll have the next in before morning.

Okay, thank you.

Bye.

Please, please, please,

please, please give me my visa back.

Sorry I'm late.

Oh my god, you're here.

I hate you, I hate you.

I'm so glad you're here.

Are you gonna' let go?

No.

Okay.

How long are you staying

As long as you'll let me

What about your band?

Well, I think our first kid

is a little more important.

Easy buddy,
I'm freaked out enough

being pregnant and I'm not sure what kind

of commitment I'm ready for.

I'm not asking for any.

Francis tells us you're a musician.

He's very talented.

Anything
that we might've heard?

I don't think so.

It's jazz mostly.

Oh, well we like jazz that

Diana Krall girl.

Oh, she's lovely.

Actually it's experimental.

We use found instruments.

Found instruments.

What's that mean?

Like you know...

Sometimes I'll play a balloon.

Or an electrified rake.

I see.

Good money in that, is there?

Is there a bathroom?

Down the hall to the right.

Well, there goes the gene pool.

I think I have angina.

So you guys really hate him, huh?

- No, no actually.
- No.

I am undecided.

Apart from the fact that
he is a borderline musician

with an affection for gardening tools,

he is the father of your child

and he is here to help you.

And you have no idea how
valuable those things are to you

right now, but we do.

So,

he can stay?

He can stay.

♪ Trippin' on cinnamon
and peppermint seas ♪

♪ Singin' oh ♪

♪ Where a mermaid and
me are happily sex'in ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Then the thunder wakens ♪

♪ Then I'm back in a
flash the spirits and I ♪

♪ The wind-demons have bitten the sky ♪

♪ Singin' oh ♪

♪ When a paper-bag
princess catches my eye ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ The windows open ajar
the rain seeps in ♪

♪ I'm back in a splash the spirits and I ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ The soldier and his
knapsack take a rest ♪

♪ Thinking oh ♪

♪ Living on a stone and
the things gone past ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Then the canons waken ♪

♪ He's back in a crash
the spirits and him ♪

Frannie?

Ah.

Was that a contraction?

Breathe, breathe, let's
have an nice big one, okay.

Okay, here we go!

He's crowning!

Push, push, push!

Okay, that is...

You know the blood,
the blood I expected,

but the um,

the mucus not so much.

The mucus, screeching,
baby popping out like that.

It's just like watching Alien.

Easy buddy, okay?

I'm the one who has to do it.

I know.

I am so sorry.

Hey, as long as we both can't sleep,

do you want a Christmas gift early?

Yes.

Is it a washer and dryer.

Yes, I got you a washer and dryer.

I know you've been missing New York

so I figured if we can't go to Manhattan,

why not bring Manhattan to us?

Oh my god.

Oh my god!

Calvin, this is amazing.

How did you do this?

This is the Brooklyn Bridge!

It's where we ended our first date.

Yup, and it was raining

and you wouldn't kiss me because

you said it would be a cliche.

- Mm.
- Mm-hmm.

Come here.

There's Temple Bar.

Oh yeah.

Where you kept kissing me until
I agreed to take you home.

I seem to remember it
the other way around.

Mm-hmm.

Whatever.

You know, I realized the other
day in all our amazing firsts

we missed a pretty important one.

Our first dance.

I feel like a cow.

But you move like a gazelle.

Oh, you're a liar.

Thanks for staying.

You have no idea how much I
appreciate that you're here.

Where else would I want to be?

Maybe you're peeing on me?

I think my water just broke.

Oh shoot!

Shoot, okay.

Don't panic, I'm totally on it.

Okay, okay.

I totally got you, come on.

We are having a baby!

We're having a baby.

I know you're
tired, but I need one more.

Uh!

Come on Frannie, one big push

Push it yourself!

Calvin, I can't do this anymore, I can't.

I'm sorry, I know but we'll just come back

in a few weeks, okay please?

Okay, shh, you are
doing so amazing right now

we are so close.

Come on, come on.

Push Frannie!

Come on, I can see the head.

No, I can't do this!

I'm sorry, I quit!

Okay, hey, hey, hey.

I know how much you two want
to meet each other, hmm?

You are so close, we just
need one more push, okay?

One more, one more.

Okay.

Good Frannie.

Good!

Keep it coming, that's it!

And here's the baby.

Does the father want to cut the cord?

Yes.

Uh, there is it?

Okay.

It's a boy.

We have a son?

Hi Kim.

What's a Kim?

That's his name.

No, it's not.

Yes it is.

It's after my music mentor.

Was I sleeping when you
became the boss of me?

Oh, so he gets your
last name and a first name

you pick for him.

Pardon me if I'd like to
have some say in this,

by giving my first born
a name that actually

means something to me.

Pick another one.

Killus.

No.

Bjorn.

No.

Ishmail.

Definitely not.

- Lester?
- Ishmail.

Lester.

He kind of looks like a Lester.

I know.

Hi Lester.

It's nice to meet you.

Hi Lester.

Come on!

It's cold!

Welcome home, pet.

Oh he's lovely.
Hi dad.

I'm so proud of you.

Thank you.

Baby boy!

I can see like all dads
you're a pack animal now.

Yes, oh no, no, no.

Hugs for fathers, come on in.

Lester.

You know I really
think we're going to have

to cancel your brother's cruise,

you're not ready.

Mom, please go!

Richard will kill me if I ruin his gift

with my fecundity.

She's right dear, let's
let the kids breathe.

All right, but I can
not overstress to you

the importance of these first
few weeks of development.

Calvin, this is for you too.

Now, I've got you a
selection of classical music

to increase his spatial abilities,

and whale calls for verbal.

You play the classical when he's feeding

and the other when he's asleep.

You look lost, you're lost.

Call the travel agent.

- No.
- Cancel the trip.

Mom, no, no we just need.

We need space to self
actualize as new parents.

I completely respect that.

Can grandpa hold the Lester?

Watch his head.

Calvin, why don't you
put on some Mozart, hmm?

God, he's just so cute.

I think he has your nose.

I think he has your eyes.

You know, I'm so far behind on deadline

I really should go do some work.

I'll watch the spud today.

The sooner you're done,
the sooner you get to come

play with us.

Oh you are so getting lucky tonight.

Okay, not tonight but
I'll pencil you in for

next month.

Oh, you could be a singer, huh?

Check out those lungs.

Yeah, he'll stop in a minute.

Okay, he's not hungry, he's not wet,

there's no fever, it's got to be colic.

Don't say colic, okay
just please don't say colic.

It says here that colic
can last three months.

You're not helping me Putty!

Check his bum again.

I'm trying.

Don't wrap him so tight, okay

it's not freakin' origami.

Oh wait, wait, wait, we're
supposed to look at the poo.

What are we looking for?

I don't know, Calvin, I don't know.

Calvin!

I don't know, I don't know what to do.

I just, I am all out of ideas baby.

Why does he hate us?

He does, he hates us.

Hello!

Hi.

How is she?

Um, see for yourself.

She's been pumping for like six hours.

Can you talk to her, I'll get Lester.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Hi Frannie.

Hi.

Mom, hi.

Frannie, what are you doing?

I'm just storing some milk because um,

I really need a drink, mom.

Like a big one or some Dramamine maybe,

horse tranquilizers,
crack pipe, I don't care

just please knock me out!

Why don't you come with me?

Okay.

We're gonna' go for a
little walk, give me those.

Okay.

Get some fresh air.

Oh, will there be beer there?

Go find your coat.

Okay.

Hi dad.

Hi pet.

We'll be back.

Where did I go?

I mean I lost my apartment, my city,

my friends, my waist!

All I've got is what's left of my job

and Calvin.

And Lester.

You are having a
temporary identity crisis.

It's normal.

It gets better, I promise.

Can I tell you something.

Sure.

I'm not so sure that
I'm gonna' be any good

at this.

I wish I could off you some panacea,

but the truth is

being a mother is the
hardest job there is.

And you know it never
really stops being hard,

but it never really stops being wonderful.

And that is the deal.

For the record, I still feel this close

to going completely insane.

Well, for the record
I've been feeling that way

for almost 40 years.

Welcome to motherhood.

♪ So now I lay ♪

♪ You down to sleep ♪

♪ Dear lord I pray ♪

♪ Your soul to keep ♪

♪ And all through the dark ♪

♪ And all through the day ♪

♪ If you're with me ♪

♪ We'll both be okay ♪

What?

God, who's slaughtering pigs?

Mr. Halsford, oh my god.

Look, I am so sorry that
I'm behind on deadline,

but frankly it's been crazy here lately.

Oh well let's not be gauche
and talk about business.

You've got new life with you.

I've called to congratulate you.

Marina has something
she wants to say to you.

Frannie?

Marina?

Marina, what's going on?

Mr. Halsford wants me to tell you

that you're fired, Frannie.

They're putting Veniva on the Tate essays.

I'm sorry, Frannie.

What's wrong?

♪ We're swimming in the sea my lover ♪

♪ We're fluid in our own embrace ♪

♪ If this will mark the end of our days ♪

♪ Weigh me down ♪

♪ You're going to have
to hold my head up ♪

♪ In a whisper you will hear me say ♪

♪ If this will mark the end of our days ♪

♪ Weigh me down ♪

♪ Weigh me down ♪

♪ Down with love ♪

It's been weeks, let's get some light.

There.

How are you doin'?

How am I doing?

How am I doing?

I'm unemployed, I'm living off my parents,

and I don't know where my fat ass ends

and my thighs begin.

That good, huh?

Yeah.

Well,

I know a little something

that might cheer you up.

Someone is havin' a birthday.

And it's...

My birthday, oh that's great.

That's just, that's great.

So now I'm not just a loser,
I'm a 29 year old loser.

I don't need a reminder about
how old I'm getting, Cal.

Surprise!

Happy birth...

My parents?

Okay,

you know what?

Let's put this in perspective.

You lost a job, not a limb.

This isn't about the job.

Okay, get up.

We need to go for a walk.

I don't feel like going outside.

Frannie, now.

Okay, I am trying Frannie.

I'm trying really hard to understand

what you're going through.

Look, what do you want me to say?

You want me to say that
I'm happy with my life,

that I'm exactly where I wanted to be?

Nobody is exactly
where they wanted to be.

Hell, I gave up my band.

Oh my god, you had to
stop playing the balloon?

I'm sorry, I didn't mean that.

I just...

I'm not myself

right now and I think that

that's pretty much the problem.

So what are you tryin' to say?

You regret having Lester?

God no, don't twist this.

I love him.

But that is not some magic pill that means

that this new life makes sense to me.

It doesn't mean that we make sense to me.

I just, I just don't
want to wake up one day

and realize that the only
reason we're together

is because we had a kid.

That's not gonna' happen.

How do you know?

Because I'm in love with you, Frannie.

I love

that you are smart about words

and clueless about life.

That you're always in a
hurry and never on time.

I even love the stuff
that I hate about you.

So the real question is,

are you in love with me?

How am I supposed to know who I love

when I don't even know who I am?

How am I supposed to answer that question?

I think you just did.

Calvin.

I'm sorry.

♪ If ever you want to ♪

♪ See how much I want you ♪

♪ I'll give you everything ♪

♪ If ever you need to ♪

♪ See how much I need you too ♪

♪ Tell me that you think about me ♪

♪ Thinking of you ♪

♪ Wondering just how ♪

♪ Much I love you ♪

♪ I will show you ♪

♪ Once you let me through ♪

♪ If ever you seem to ♪

♪ Admit that you need me too ♪

♪ I'll hang on every word ♪

♪ If ever you start to ♪

♪ See how slowly you're killing me ♪

♪ And how deep a man can hurt ♪

♪ I'm falling further under every spell ♪

♪ You've put me under ♪

♪ Don't release me ♪

♪ Make me cry for you ♪

♪ 'Cause every time you do ♪

♪ I don't want to go home ♪

♪ I don't want to go home ♪

♪ No, I don't want to go home ♪

♪ Alone ♪

Hey Les.

Can we talk for a second, bud?

Look I know that I haven't been

very good at this yet.

But that's gonna' change.

What do you say we um,

we start over and from here on in,

it's gonna' be all about you.

Yeah.

♪ She'll never ♪

♪ She'll never wait 'til morning ♪

♪ Although she loves the sun and ♪

♪ The way it shines ♪

♪ There never was a warning ♪

♪ But it just started storming ♪

♪ We were our of time ♪

♪ Let her shine ♪

♪ You were little bit impatient ♪

♪ Which squandered that temptation ♪

♪ Make your mind ♪

♪ My eyes will see her gladly ♪

♪ But I wanted in her ♪

♪ I could never find ♪

♪ Let her shine ♪

It's not like it suddenly gets easy.

But if you're lucky,
there's a certain point

where it just starts to work.

Where you begin to think, maybe
I'm not so terrible at this.

Maybe I can do it on my own.

And then the real magic happens,

where you stop being
scared at being a bad mom

and just start becoming a good one.

I guess the scary truth is,

I had to have a child to stop being one.

Hello?

Lord have I got news.

Marina?

Why are you whispering?

How would you like your job back?

Why?

Veniva's being fired as we speak.

I know, it's fantastic.

Turns out Tate couldn't stand her,

he claims she threw him off his track.

So what does this have to do with me?

He wants to fly up there

to talk about rehiring you.

What, when will he be coming?

Uh, I don't know.

I think he said tomorrow?

Tomorrow?

Tomorrow.

Hi.

Hi!

I'll have a peameal on a kaiser

and a decaf grande non-fat cappuccino.

I'm just kidding, I'll have a coffee.

Oh, okay.

Two please, thank you.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

Final booth at the Western Sandwich,

not quite the Rainbow Room.

Oh god, please don't
talk about New York.

I miss it.

You look great.

Haven't changed.

You expected hair
rollers and a bathrobe?

No, no, no but you're
life's different now.

You're a single mom, and
I needed to come here

in person to make sure
you're ready to work again.

I am so ready to come back to work.

Look I know that I
dropped the ball before,

but I really feel like I'm
getting my life back on track.

I'm firing on all cylinders
and you just hear everybody

saying that you permanently change,

that you're gonna' be different forever,

but I feel the same as I did before.

I don't see it.

There is absolutely no difference,

I'm completely lactating
right now, aren't I?

I am, okay.

Milk?

We're covered, thanks.

God, that was embarrassing.

Leave it to me to have ironic breast milk.

It was excellently done.

I really like working with you.

But I am up against the
wall on these deadlines,

so you have to be honest with me.

How are you Frannie, really?

Honestly, well this
is the first business

conversation that I've
had in eight months,

I get less sleep than a surgical intern,

I have baby vomit on my shoe,

and the last book I've read involved

dishes running with spoons.

Ah.

But Michael, I still know
when your sentences are weak.

I still know when your arguments run on.

I'm a good editor, and
I'm ready to come back.

So.

Well, I hope you mean that literally.

I can't be flying up here every time

I need your fabulous brain.

I've been pulling strings since you left.

One of them gave.

This is just a confirmation letter.

My visa!

My visa, you got me back my visa!

Michael!

Oh my god!

Thank you.

Really missed you.

I'm going to New York!

♪ Today is the day ♪

♪ I'm starting to see ♪

♪ Just where I'm from ♪

♪ Where I want to be ♪

Oh, he's so adorable.

He could start my biological clock.

But how did you end up with a fat baby?

Oh, you're the little guy that just about

sunk my magazine, aren't you?

Yes you are, yes you are.

Fran.

Yes.

Now you've done a
terrific job with Tate,

and because I'm full and
contain the multitudes,

I'm going to forgive
you all the screw ups.

And what is this?

Your new office.

I'm giving you a sort of promotion.

You're going to take over
Veniva responsibilities.

And does this sort of promotion

come with a sort of raise?

We've missed that dry
sense of humor around here.

Hi.

You look good.

Oh.

Different.

Thanks.

Hi, how are you?

Hi, how are you?

So how do you want to do this?

Well, I figure I'm off work
before most of your gigs start

so I could drop him off in the morning

and come get him around dinner,
if that's okay with you.

Fine.

Bands got a tour coming up pretty soon so

I need to find someone
to cover while I'm away.

Yeah, it should be no problem.

So how have you been?
I should go.

I'm meeting someone.

Okay.

Bye, sweet pea.

Okay.

Frannie, this is the part
where you have to let him go.

Yeah.

Hey.

I'm really glad you got your job back.

I know what it means to you.

God save me from a small
life or a small love,

from minivans and mediocrity,

and from my suspicion that in the end

the search is always better than the find.

Well...

It's amazing.

It's depressing.

It is.

Well, don't hold back now.

Well, I'm just, how can a life be small

if it makes you happy?

Or reverse the question.

How can it make you happy if it's small?

Because there's a difference between

being small and being empty.

Is there?

Well, what happened to the Frannie

that demanded something
exceptional from life?

Oh look, don't worry about me, okay?

I don't plan on settling for anything less

than my kind of perfect.

I'll hold you to that.

So.

This is it.

The last article.

Assuming you're signing off.

Of course, of course.

Michael, it's really, really great.

Thanks.

Now I'm on book tour this week,

but I hear that Halsford's
throwing a party for me

when I return.

I assume you're going to be there?

Oh, absolutely.

Good.

All right, bye.

Try not to get pregnant
again before I get back.

Yeah.

Uh, is Calvin here?

He's playing with his kid.

Okay.

Who is the greatest spud in the world?

Who is the greatest spud
in the whole world, mister?

Is it you?

Makes me want to dance, how about you?

I'm gonna' turn you

and I dip you

and I turn and I punch you.

What?

Hi.

Cal, this looks amazing.

Got take him already, huh?

Guess we we're havin'
too much fun, big man.

It'll have to last us,

but I promise I will write you
new songs on the bus, okay?

Hello.

So, when are you leaving?

Next week.

I still have to pack.

Can I ask you a question?

The other day in the park,

what did you mean?

Do I really uh, look different?

Completely, he's changed you.

I can see it.

I hope you don't mean the stretch marks.

I was talking a little deeper of things.

Yeah.

You've always been beautiful Frannie,

but uh, now you,

I don't know, now you have grace.

Cal, come on already.

We're late.

Gotta go.

Come on, I'll walk you two out.

Is she a smoker?

Come on spudly.

'Cause she looks like a smoker.

Frannie.

I'm just saying, you know.

If you're going to have
prancing naked thigh girl

around our son, I'd prefer
it if she put some pants on

before she touched him.

I'll have her put her pants on.

Good.

Excuse me, can I get a gimlet?

Make it a double.

Hey handsome, whatcha' drinkin'?

So, ladies and gentlemen.

The time has come to bid a fond farewell

to the inimitable Michael Tate.

We hate to see him leave but
we're going to pass the torch

to our next guest essayist

who will be chosen by
our new feature's editor,

the ever charming Francesca Mackenzie.

Who managed not to screw
everything up after all.

I'm just gonna' go over here.

Okay.

Well, congratulations
Ms. feature's editor.

Why thank you.

So I guess this brings to an
end our literary affair, huh?

Well, I for one am thrilled
to have the work behind us.

Oh, I see you're glad
to be rid of me are ya?

Completely the opposite, actually.

But I think you knew that.

I also think, we've waited
too long for a second date.

Don't you?

Thing is, Frannie,

I don't think I've ever
met a woman who understood

my mind as well as you do.

What about Lester?

I have to admit, at first
the whole single mom thing

was a bit exotic.

But um, you make it worth trying.

And seriously, he's a great kid.

I mean you hardly know he's there.

So Michael, we're waiting for

a few words of wisdom.

Yeah.

Let's face it, we're
attracted, we're like minded,

and the job's over.

So, I can't think of one good reason

why we shouldn't be together.

Can you?

I don't know, what the hell

am I up here talkin' to myself?

Duty calls.

- Congratulations.
- Thank you very much.

Thank you, thank you very much.

It's very kind.

Well despite a few hiccups along the way.

Okay, he just kissed you in public,

I think that's legally binding.

All right, you just got a promotion

and Mr. Pulitzer all within five minutes.

If I didn't love you, I'm
telling you I would hate you.

Yeah, everything is um,

perfect.

What?

Look at me.

Why are there tears?

No, no, no.

No there should be no tears.

Just hold Les, okay?

Oh, here.

Hey, you hold this.

Frannie.

Frannie.

Hey, oh honey.

Oh baby please tell me
those are tears of joy.

'Fraid not, no.

Okay, talk to me.

What's going on?

I'm kind of realizing
that I probably made

the biggest mistake of my life.

What?

Do you remember how we used to go on

all those lousy dates
and talk about how great

it would be to finally find the guy.

Yeah.

Well, I found him.

But I let him go.

Okay, honey I'm not following you.

Okay, you know that I've been dreaming

for the perfect guy
since I was 16 years old.

And Michael is everything
that I thought I wanted,

but Calvin is the one that I belong with.

Are you sure?

Are you really, really sure?

Mm-hmm.

Well then honey, you've got to tell him.

I can't tell him!

He's leaving on tour, he's going to Europe

and he's dating this
blonde girl with thighs

like a 13 year old Russian athlete.

Uh-uh, Kournikova doesn't
get him, you've got dibs.

When's he leaving?

Any minute now.

What are we doing standing here?

Marina.

Taxi!

Oh no, no, no.

I can't get him on my cell phone.

Okay, we're gonna' make a run for it

and take a shortcut
through the park, let's go.

Okay.

Okay.

This is so exciting, I
feel like Julia Roberts.

This way.

Even if we catch him, what
the hell am I supposed to say?

Not a freakin' clue,
more running, less talking.

Get out of the way, people!

Watch out people, we've got a
woman in love coming through.

We've got a woman in love coming through!

Excuse me!

You go, you go, go.

Keep going!

Keep going!

Move!

Go honey!

♪ Looking back on all that trip to find ♪

♪ Summer days are missing you ♪

Move please!

♪ And all I want is to see you ♪

♪ All I want is to see you tonight ♪

♪ Tonight ♪

♪ Tonight ♪

♪ And all I want is to see you ♪

Where is Calvin?

Just missed him in the first van.

Maybe he's upstairs packing the amps.

Think.

Just think!

Upstairs, packing the amps.

Thank you, thank you.

Okay, okay.

Okay Lester,

I want you to remember this moment.

I want you tell your grandchildren

that your mother may not have been sane,

she may not have been perfect,

but she never gave up when it counted.

Calvin!

Cal?

Calvin!

Calvin Harver Putty!

Please, please, please, please, please,

please, please, please be up here.

Calvin?

Cal?

Calvin?

Frannie?

Cal?

What are you guys doin' here?

I have to leave.

Okay, look don't go.

Look I haven't thought this through

so just let me wing it.

Okay, I'm an idiot Calvin.

I always thought that I would
fall in love at first sight,

but I guess I had to look at you twice

because you're not the
guy I thought you'd be.

Thanks.

No, no that's a good thing

because I'm not who I thought I'd be.

Go on.

Okay.

The thing is, what I'm
trying to say in essence

is that is that I love you, Cal.

And it's not just because of Lester,

it's because you hear a
world that I'm deaf to.

That, that you loved our
son before you even met him,

that you loved me even though I was

stupid and crazy and scared.

So I guess,

I guess now um,

the question is

can you take me back or

am I too late?

Because I know that I
can be a lot to handle

and that I'm asking you
to give up the blonde

prancing naked thigh girl for
a life of diapers and chaos.

Frannie.

She's dating my drummer.

Now, ask me a question again.

Will you take me back?

I never really let you go.

Okay, so maybe I don't
have the castle yet,

but I finally found my
own happily ever after.

Oh sweetie, Lester.

We all know the nursery rhyme,

first comes love, then comes baby.

Okay, so as usual I screwed
it up and got it backwards.

But it doesn't really
matter how it starts,

all that truly matters is how it ends.

Because the truth is
happy endings do exist,

maybe not how we always expected them,

but that just makes it
a thousand times better.

♪ Today is the day ♪

♪ I'm starting to see ♪

♪ Just where I'm from ♪

♪ Where I want to be ♪

♪ I think I'll be okay with you ♪

♪ I know you feel the same way too ♪

♪ Here I am to stay ♪