Picking Up the Pieces (2000) - full transcript

Woody Allen plays Tex, a kosher butcher. Sharon Stone plays his unfaithful wife Candy. Tex catches Candy in the act and in a fit of rage he kills her. To conceal his crime he cuts up her body and buries it in the desert in New Mexico. However, when her hand surfaces, a blind woman trips over it and it restores her sight. The hand is then considered to be the "hand of the Virgin." Despite the church's fallen priest objecting, the ambitious mayor of the town creates an international three-ring circus of miracle-seekers, TV crews, and born-again local prostitutes all interested in the hand. All of this goes on while Tex is desperately trying to recover the hand before the sheriff finds it and uses it as evidence against him.

Had a butchershop in
New York and I met her.

You know, it was love
at first lap dance.

She had a boyfriend before me
who was in with the Mob.

She testified against him
and he didn't take it too kindly.

50, we came out to Texas...

primari/y for the a/n

You know, actually,
we wanted to keep breathing it.

So, we get the hell out.
We came out here.

I started .; little butcher shop.
Went into hiding is what happened.

And now, ladies and gentlemen...

a woman with a truly
miraculous body...

Miss Candy Cowley.

Isn't that great?
She's all porterhouse.

I'll take a slice of that.

Who loves you, baby?

I loved that woman.

Idid, Pinky. I can't help it.
I loved her.

She was-
She was something.

I know what you're thinking.

You're thinking that
I never should have married her.

Because that's what you said.
You said, "Don't get involved."

You said that she was
gonna cheat on me.

And you were right.

Don't rub it in.

Come on. Hurry up.

I recognize this leg.

She used to wrap this around
everybody in town.

Hurry up, Pinky.

Ifa car comes along and sees all
these pieces, they'll suspect something.

Come on!

Come on! Will you grab
some of the choice cuts?

You were always her favorite.

Come on. Let's go!

Give me that.
I have the full set, I think, now.

Give me her head.
I gotta have her head.

Wait, wait.

This is a heavy woman.

I think I got everything.

I lost count.

Thanks for all your help, Pinky.

It's only fair to remind you
that you're an accessory here.

So, don't get any ideas
about squealing.

Look here.

I'll mark where we put her,
in case you ever wanna visit.

Because your instincts as a dog
are not exactly great.

Are you okay, senor?

Yes, yes. No, I'm great.

I've never felt better.

You don't need water?
It's very hot.

What were you hauling in there?

My ex-wife.

Your ex-wife?

You're a funny guy.
Welcome to El Nifio.

For Christ's sake,
are you blind, lady?

It's a miracle! I can see!
I can see!

Did you see her?
I saw her, but she couldn't see me.

What do you want?
I want to park.

So park it anywhere.

That was heaven.

Like you've been there.

Oh, I've been there.

Just now.

Admit it, Desi.
You love me.

Look at you, Leo.

You got no money,
no car, no house.

No looks.

Nobody's perfect.
Besides, you make a pretty good living.

I think enough
to support the both of us.

Hey, do you know what happened
to the last man who tried that?

Desi, guess who's here.


Ah, Carlita.
Why do you tease me?

I always ask for you
and I always give you a big tip.

Take his money. There is enough
mercy fucking going on around here.

Bye, Desi.

And you, get dressed.

Not quite yet.

Time's up.
You have to go to work.

What work? I don't believe
in my work anymore.

That may be...

but some people in this town
are still dumb enough to count on you...


What you got there, Paco?

Isee you
Can you see me

Nice trip
See you next fall

We've been looking for you,
Dafia Constancia.

Dafia Constancia,
where's your cane?

Oh, my God! Dan Ricardo
was really worried. What is that?

You're walking without a cane.
Can you see?

What is that,
a Seeing Eye hand?

You better be careful.
Oh, my God! What is that?

I have to see Fatherjerome.
What happened to your eyes?

Good morning, Father. You look like
you could use some coffee.

Thank you, Unojo.

Fatherjerome, I heard
you and Desi in there.

You know, Father, it is better to lose
an argument to her than an eye.

Like me.

It's too early for that.

Lalo, how are you today?

Good morning, Father.
Fine, thank you.

Are you still instructing
that poor girl in the faith?

I'll need many, many more sessions
to convert her.

Maybe she'll convert you, eh?

Padre, could you baptize
our baby this morning?

Of course. I'm on my way now.
Meet me in the church.

So, this is television?

Ilike it.

I baptize you
in the name of the Father...

and the Son
and the Holy Spirit.


Welcome to life, n/fia.

May God bless your child.

Icouldn't wait.

When I saw this,
I knew this had to come to you.

You can see?

You can?

I knew deep in my soul
it's a miracle.

It's a miracle.

Yes, Father.

Well, I'd like a second opinion.

It's a fucking miracle,
all right.

You're kidding.
There's no other explanation.

She was really blind?
You want the medical term?

Blind as a stinking bat.

You did all the tests?

The charts? The x-rays?
Fatherjerome, please.

But she fell.
I mean, shejust hit her head.

Maybe the optic nerves.
I'm telling you-

What about hysterical blindness?
Spontaneous cure?

Fatherjerome, I am her doctor,
30, 35 years now.

lam in the medical business,
not in the miracle business.

Iwill find out the real cause
of all this, believe me.

But yesterday,
this woman was blind.

Today, she sees.

50, for now,
you of all people, Padre...

should believe this is
the handiwork of the Lord.

The Lord has tiny little hairs
on His hand.

Look at the fingers.

So delicate, so smooth.

It must be the hand of the Virgin.

I'm sure the Virgin
had turquoise polish.

Look, for nowfor now,
let'sjust keep this to ourselves.


Keep what to ourselves?

I forgot to tell you,
the bishop called again this morning.

Why didn't you tell me?
Because it was early this morning.


Did he say what he wanted?

He wants your ass.

There's been rumors
about the guy for years, but-

I think he wants you
to shut this place down.

Is that all?
I thought it was something important.

Maybe not to you.

I think they can
take care of themselves.

You're all they've got.
Who am I kidding?

Hey, Haco.

Why should I feel guilty?
It's crazy.

Like I did something wrong.
I did not do anything wrong.

Idismembered my wife.

You'd think it was
a whole to-do.

Gosh, it's funny.

Now that she's in seven separate pieces,
I sort of miss her a little.

"Love, Candy."

I guess I should have known
something was wrong...

when she put her measurements
inside the ring.

"36, 25, 36."

What are you so depressed about?

Cheer up, or I'm gonna have to
slip some Prozac into your Alpo.

"Together Forever, Tex."

You're not so together now,
are you?

What the hell am I doing?
Is this religion?

This isn't religion.
It's voodoo with a collection basket.

Who are you talking to?

Oh. To you, actually.

How are you?

Yes, ma'am.

I love it when you're rough.


What's that?

A little something
to help you rebuild.

Dirty money?

Look, you work your side of the street.
I'll work mine.

Did it ever occur to you God doesn't
like His house looking like shit?

And what are you doing with this?
The old woman wants it authenticated.

As what?

The hand of the Virgin.

Forgive me, Leo.
ldon't think so.

Idon't either.

So, what are you going to do?

I think I'm gonna give it
to the police.

You're not.


That's Officer Bobo
of the Texas State Police to you, pal.

They made you a state trooper.

I'm sure everybody's gonna sleep more
easily knowing you're on the job.

As a matter of fact, they do.
That's great.

What do you want? I know what you want,
but she's not here.

Mind ifl sniff around?

Come in, putz. You can snif -

Stay right here, Tex.

Ijust wanna make sure you didn't
do anything foolish the other night.

Why would you think that even?

That's not very friendly, is it?

Sit. Sit.
Sit, Pinky.

I do like a bitch
that does what she's told.

You sure Candy's not here? 'Cause
I really would love to talk to her.

I already told you.
She's not here.

Not funny. Not.

I trust you, Tex.
I'll go find her down at the Donut Dude.

She pulled the night shift.

The old graveyard shift.

You be sure to tell her
Bobo came by to say hi.

For the life of me, I'll never
figure out why she married you.

Maybe shejust likes my meat.

He thought it was funny.
He liked it.

I'm Conchata Ortiz, in the wonderful,
picturesque town of El Nifio...

where we're awaiting
the unveiling of the miraculous hand.

The ceremony is about to begin with
Fatherjerome performing the ritual.

Here comes the mayor.

Now the moment
you've all been waiting for.

The presence of this miraculous hand
in our little town...

is certainly a blessing.

It's as if the Holy Virgin herself
were trying to tell us something.



No, here!

We're on TV.

Hel/0. I'm C anf/zata Ort/z,
ant/this is Miracle Beat...

where I bring you
the hottest shrines in the world.

Toda y our guest is C anstan cia Madera.

Tell us Whereyou 're from,
C anstan cia.

E! Nifio, New Mexico.
How's my lipstick?

I don't think that many people
have ever heard ofE! Nirîo.

Well, they will now, honey.

Would you cut me a couple of these
right here?

A couple of these rib eye.

Right here, these.
Cut me a couple of them rib eye steaks.

You 're absolutely positive you
were not a person who cou/dsee...

befareyau actual/y saw the hand?

Oh, God. Look at this.

"I was Mother Theresa's sex slave."

Do you believe that stuff?
I believe a lot of stuff.

I hate to be the one
to tell you this...

but your wife's name is on the tongue
ofa lot of women in this town.

From what I understand, it's more than
her name on the tongues of the men.

Look at this one. It's funny.

Oh, gosh.

I love this magazine.

I really love to read it.
I know it's ridiculous...

but Ijust love that-

Tex, are you feeling okay?

Idon't have the kind of time to-

What about my steaks?

What did it look like to you?
Were you frightened?

lt looked like a hand
With a finger up like that.

Oh. Now, tell me…

what is the most favorite thing you've
seen since you've been able to see?


Where the hell did you learn
to drive?

Tex, calm down now.
Don't get mad at me, all right?

'Cause it really isn't
what you think it is.

IwasjustWe were talking
and hanging out. How was your day?

Listen, sweetheart.
Your gynecologist called.

Oh, really?
What's new over there?

He feels at the rate you're going,
your diaphragm should have call waiting.

Oh, yeah? That's really-
That's a good joke, honey.

Jump in the bag. Mommy has to go
or I'll be in trouble now.

I hope you're keeping track
of all these guys for tax purposes.

What guys? I don't know
what you're talking about.

You make up so many things
'cause you always wanna blame me.

Why don't you just suck on this
'cause that's the last you'll see of me.

Thank you, darling.

Get out of my way.

See? It's bringing people in.

Aren't you proud of me?

Mayor Machado wants to build
a hotel here.

He's talking to people about it.

Really? I don't think
we'll get that many visitors. Do you?

I mean, one little miracle is not-

Oh, my!

The shaking, it's gone.
I'm cured!

Virgin of all virgins,
you heard my prayers.

I'm cured. Thank you.

Sefiara, please.

This is the house of God.

There's no screaming
orjumping forjoy here.

Oh, Padre, forgive me.

I'm not from El Nifio.

But this morning
I was watching the TV...

and I saw this woman who was blind
and I told my son-in-law.

I told him
I must come to this church.

And now I'm cured.

Please, just relax for a moment.

Sefiara, sit down.
No, no, I cannot sit.

lam too happy to sit.

Padre, I have no more money,
but I brought a present for you.

I mean, for your church.

Take Pancho Villa.

He's a good goat.
He killed two dogs.

Fatherjerome is happy to accept
for his church. Thank you, sefiara.

I'm glad.

Padre, thank you.
Thank you for Pancho Villa.

I cannot believe
what has happened to me.

lam so thankful.

What about me?

What? You-

You're kidding.
My legs?

Look, my legs!
They're back!

Look at my feet.
I can see my feet.

Hey, you got
any spare change for me?

Evening, Edsel.


Well, what?

Where's my girl?

Well, that's funny.

That's what I came in here
to ask you.

Come on, Bobo.

I know she's glazing your cruller.
Now where is she?

Edsel, first off,
I want some coffee.

And then I want
some goddamn answers.

She hasn't punched in for a week.

A week?

Yeah. And tonight's her night
for Bavarian creams.

You try getting all that custard
into them things.

You need itty-bitty fingers
for that, not meat hooks like these.

Come on.
I know you two been jelly-rolling.

Now where is she?

Now, Edsel.

You don't wanna go violating your parole
now, do you? 50, just calm down.

Come on, Bobo. You're going
to have to help me find her.

I'm telling you,
that girl was just born to deep fry.

Oh,]esus Christ.

You gotta bring me back my bumblebee.

HA Candy. Guess Who?

C 0 ck-a -d0 od/e-do o!

I sha wed evetybody the Video.

Next t/meyau sit on the eggs.

Virgin, schmirgin.

I gotta get an address here.

Hey, pumpkin. Hope your stupid
husband don't hear this...

but I bought the rubber things you like
with the doohickeys on the sides.

I can't wait to tickle
your fancy.

Hi, Candy. It's Earl. How about
if! bring the twins next time?

Hey, Candy. This is Manny.

Call me tonight.
I'm free. All right, babe?

What about a trio?

You know, Father, Pancho Villa,
he was a little skinny...

but he's a good kid.

Hey, what's up, Father?

I'm glad you-

your acne-

you're actually here.

Fatherjerome, this is Leticia.

He's gota girlfriend.

Come and join us.
Thank you.

It's nice, huh?
It's like a baby.

So now I've gota girlfriend,
just like you, Father.


I saw this dude wandering around.
Thought he could use some food.

Don't look like his legs
is doing too good.

They're still a little new.

What, Florencio?

You have legs.

Here, Father.
lcarved this replica for you.

Be careful.

Legs are cool.

My friends...

let us give thanks
for the miracles of El Nifio...

for Constancia,
for Florencia Haco...

and perhaps the greatest of which
is us being together tonight.


People don 't need a miracle

They just need a friend

I 'll be your friend

/fyou choose to let me in

Let me in

I 'll be your friend

What are you making a fuss for?
Naturally, I need a map. I'm nota dog.

How the hell do I know
how to find a church?

At the Vatican, the pope is taking
the matter of the finger very seriously.

I asked him about it today
and His Holiness said, and ! quote...

”Hey, ga figure. ”

Can you believe this?

They think that this woman
is now the Mother of God.

Our Lady of Lapland.

Only miracle in her life is if she could
keep her legs closed for 20 minutes.

Okay, that's enough.
You've got Candy. 5tateyaurp/ece.

Candy, it's Edse[

You must be having yourself
a fuck marathon somewhere, girl...

'cause I been leaving
a bunch of messages.

Now get your butt back to work, girl,
'cause I've been covering for you.

But the owner's real mad

Last nfght that dumb ass Bobo
was in here askxhg aboutyou.

Besides, if my hean' 's a daughnut...

it's just an empty hole
without you around.

I've got to get all the parts.
Otherwise, it doesn't work.

I'll be gone for a little while...

and I know despite what's gone on
between us, I'm the good guy.

I left you steaks in the refrigerator
so you can do 'em any way you want.

There's this little town
you can reach me.

Leave a message for me.

Travelling kind of lightly,
aren't we?]ust the two ofyou?

We're going on our second honeymoon.

Suddenly the idea came up
to have the honeymoon again.

You're a lucky man there, Tex.
You're a lucky man.

When my wife travels
she must pack 3 zillion bags.

I know, because that's women.

Their hair blower and a blow-dryer...

nothing as small as a Volkswagen.

Well, you can't really live with them
and you can't shoot them.

Well, maybe you can.

Where is she?

She's working.

I already checked that out.
What did you do with her?

I could ask you the same question.
And I know what you'd answer me.

Ifyou'd excuse me.
You wanna come nicely, Tex?

Or do you like to wear these
as much as she does?

Turn around.
You can't do this to me.

I'm gonna arrest you.

I'm making a citizen's arrest here.
You're under arrest.

I formally charge you
with sedition...

and alienation of affection.
Watch your head there.

You've never read me my rights.

I have rights.
This is unconstitutional.

I have friends in high places.
You're finished.

When I get through with you,
they'll make you into an Eagle Scout.

They'll never guess.
You can't do this to me.

You have to have a warrant to arrest me.
You can't even search me.

Well, you can search me, but-

Ican't ride in the car.
I get carsick in the backseat.

Grand Central Station,
because I'm late.

Miraculous hand, I have this problem.

I have aLike this.

And I want it...

like this.

Iwant it like this.

Thank you, miraculous hand.
Thank you.


Excuse me for a minute.
Come in, gentlemen.

Hey, is this guy
out in front or what?

In front of what?

I love this guy.

Souvenirs, huh?
That's a nice prototype.

Gentlemen, this is Fatherjerome.

Fatherjerome, these gentlemen are
interested in investing in our town.

Would you excuse us for a minute?
Mayor, may I?

Would you like a cup of coffee?
Yes, please.

Look, I've received a letter
from the bishop.

No, he's sending some people.

Opening day?
The more the merrier.

Mayor, they're coming to challenge
the authenticity of the hand.

So, what do they got?
Blood type? Chromosomes?

The Virgin's medical records?

And 50 What do they want?

Money? Drugs? Girls? Boys?

Relax, Padre.

Hey, how many
do you think there will be?

Two, maybe three.

Tourists, Father. Tourists.

Look, look, Mayor.
I'm starting to feel funny about this.

Hey, take a guess.

I don't know.
First day?

How many could there be?

I. Ron Hubbard ain't dead.
Every year he has a new book.

Right down the street, people,
they call that place church.

They say it's God's house.

How is that God's house?

Like God came to somebody and said,
"Build me a house on 5th Street."

That ain't God's house.
That's big business house.

Big business call it religion.

These people could learn something.

I'm here to give you the finger, people.
Come on. Plenty of suckers to go around.

The miraculous hand.

Everybody comes to
the One Eye Cantina now, eh, cookie?

Give me this. Stop that.

At least keep it in the bedroom
where it belongs.

Father, I can walk.
I give you these.

Thank you.

Please, get up. Get up.

Thank you.

Say cheese, please.

Jehovah's Witnesses-
some more religious nuts.

They knock on your door
on your only day of Saturday.

Saturday morning, early, you're
watching cartoons, eating Fruit Loops.

And they knock on your door.

I live in my car
and they knocked on my car.

And you got the Buddhists
laying all over the ground.

Then they clap like they chasing
a fly or something.

What that got to do with anything?

There's a where in this town.

Are you available?
I'm busy now.

They won't even let her in there...

'cause she's a hooker,
'cause she's a tramp.

That's what they said.
lain't got much...

but I'll talk to the ho.

Just likejesus did.

Remember, they was throwing stones
at Mary Magdalene.

Jesus walked up and said,
"Stop it!

That's my ho.”

Now, I ain't one to say
Jesus was a pimp...

but he had 3 ho.

And he let that ho go,
didn't He?

Free the ho.
Let the ho go.

Can I get an amen?


The message here today is...

God lives within.

If the body's the temple,
you walk around in church.

Ha W you ensz y your church

Does your church feel good

Do you feel

As good as I da

Fatherjerome. Over here.

Rick Houseman, Channel 4. Could we
talk to you for a minute, please?

Good morning, Father darling.
How do you like it?

You're making retab/as
ofyour miracle?

Everybody in New Mexico paints them.

They paint one, Constancia,
to show their gratitude to God.

Well, I'm very grateful.
But you're selling them.

Here, Father, for your church.

Miracle fingers. One dollar.
Money goes to the poor.

Poor me.

Look at this, Padre.

This is precious!
Isn't it?

It'll bring you a miracle.
I'll have to have this.

Well, all right.
There you go. That'll do.

Ten percent tithing.

Here, Father, for your church.

I love my legs.
God bless America.

Padre, isn't this amazing?

Desi, we have to talk.

I'd love to talk,
but pleasure before business.

Do you want to stop at the church?
Oh, no, little lady.

The only congregating I wanna do
is with you. Yeah, buddy.

Here, Father.

For your church.

What do you think?

Looking good, eh?

What wonderful carving...

your little townsfolk do, Father.

Given what an ignorant
and superstitious people they must be.

Where is the relic, Father?

I thought we might wait,
what with the crowds and all.

You're not trying to pull
one over on me, are you, Padre?

I warn you.

I'm the devil's advocate
for the Archbishop of New York.

It's my job to expose the phonies...

and the fakers and fools
who would try to suckle...

on the tit of Holy Mother Church.


I can be a real prick.

Have you ever operated heavy machinery
while taking antihistamines?


Ever failed to close cover
before striking?

Ever lied to have sex?

when I think about it, once.

But I was alone at the time...

and I was younger-
very impressionable.

Okay, Tex. Tell me.

Have you ever killed your wife
in a jealous rage...

after catching her
in flagrante fellatio?

Definitely not.


Goddamn machine is not working.

I want another test.
Get another machine.

Are you gonna let me go
or do I have to call my attorney?

You saw us, didn't you?
Saw who?

That's when you did it.
Right after.

Did what? I don't know
what you're talking about.

Are you confessing
to something, Officer?

'Cause ifyou are, I would be
very, very careful about what I said.

I'm getting out of here.

I wanna thank everybody. Everyone
concerned was very thoughtful...

moving my truck out to the front.

It was very nice seeing you.
And good-bye.

I'll call you.
We'll have lunch.

You need to get
another goddamn machine.


This style is
17th-century Spanish mission.

But ifyou look closely-
Spare us Architecture 101, Padre.

It's obvious you love your church.

But do you love it as a belief...

or as a building?

You cannot dishonor one
to restore the other, eh, Father?

Here's the hand.

Fatherjerome, why on earth
would heaven choose you?

Hey, Ijust work here.
This could be the work of the devil.

Yes, yes, but look-
look around you.

Look at all the crutches...

and hearing aids and wheelchairs.

So your theory is
this is the work...

of heaven?


what do you say
I show you the rest of the town.

And then maybe later tonight
we can relax...

have some fun?


It's kind ofa new concept.
Maybe you've heard of it.

Okay, maybe you haven't.
But it's real popular.

It's good to see somebody who didn't
dig and grovel for one of them miracles.

Amigo, I have to keep
the patch on...

or else I have to change
the name of my place.


Girls, watch.

I want to show everybody my miracle.

This, watch this.

You are surprised, huh?

Cover your eyes, Sister.
The devil is at large.

He certainly is.

Where are you going?

You want a miracle too, huh?

Ah, Desi, how'd you like to
take it out for a test drive?

Come on, Pequefio. I'll take you.
No, I want Desi.

I love you good.
I don't take second best anymore.

Hey, Pequefio. Here.
Buy somebody else.

Jealous, Leo?


That's the miracle of the day.

Come with me, puta.
You like what I do to you, huh?

I like even more
what it's doing to him.

Compliments of the house.
Thank you.


Father LaCage, we go!

You'll burn in hell!

Burn in hell, where!

What the hell is happening
to everybody?

Oh, miraculous hand.

I want to ask you for something...

but it's kind of embarrassing.

You see, everybody in town
makes fun of me.

They call me la tart/lla
because I'm 50 fiat.

And I don't want my boyfriend
to leave me for another one.

Because Ijust tattooed
his name on my finger.

Iwant chi-chis.

Big chi-chis,
like the ones in the magazines.

You'll burn in hell!
Burn in hell!



Get down!

Do you want a drink?

What if that hand
really is from heaven?

That's crazy.

Is it?

Because if it's real,
I'm in trouble.

This may be news to you...

but God doesn't exactly like
what I do for a living.

Maybe there really is
a miracle for me too.

Ididn't ask for it, but...

something is going on here.

And ifit is what it looks like...

I'm ready to change my life.

What do you think?
Change your life?

No, wait.

Forgive me, Father...

but right now...

I need to talk to a priest.

Okay, abuel/ta, spread 'em.

You need a license to be a prostitute,
and a proper uniform.

It's very interesting how these people
celebrate the Day of the Dead.

I want to get on my knees for you.
I love men in black.

Sinners, repent.
We'll give you a discount.

Park it out front.
In front of what?

Hello. Nice crowd, huh?

It is also our annual
Day of the Dead here in El Nifio.

Kind ofa Mexican Halloween.

Miraculous hand fighters.
Come get one.

One for everybody, people. Let's go.
Get your miraculous hand fighter.

Oh, well, well.
Hello, senor.

Do you need a hand?
A hand?

Yes, I need a hand.

Three dollars.

How much is this?
That's five dollars. Plus tip.

Oh, very nice.

How dol look?

You are a handsome,
handsome devil.


Hey, mister.
How's your ex-wife?

Holy Mother!

Pretty big, huh?

Jesus Christ!

Let me see.

It won't be long.

Oh, no way.



It's worth the wait.

Mr. Officer, let's have some fun.

Desi, we have to talk.

It won't be long.

I've heard what you've
been doing with that woman.

Iwill have to tell the bishop.

You will? Why?

I should think you would
beg me to tell the bishop.

After all, you've taken
a hardened prostitute...

from sinner to celibate.

Celibate, yes.

Must be very satisfying.

It was.

Get lost! Stay away!

Oh, Candy.

That ain't right.

I'm gonna kill you, Tex.

I got ticket number 40 here.

Just $100. Go right in.
Ticket number 40.

Ask for big titties in there, and then
come see me, okay? The name's Haco.

Ticket 40, $] 00. Who wants it?
I want it!

You want it?
Here you go. $100.

Thank you very much, sir.
Give it to me.

Thank you. All right.

Hold it. Ticket?

Get in line, sir.

You know the rules.

Now dawdling, people.
Just get your miracle and move on.

I can hear!

Hey, nice pants.

Is that a new uniform?

I could kick his ass
back to Texas.

All right, so you got two eunuchs and
a penguin. What do we bribe them with?

I don't know.
Listen to me, priest.

We've gota major franchise here.

A "Would-you-like-a-miracle-
with-your-fries" kind of franchise?

Exa ct(y.

It's notjust the investigators
I gotta sweet.

I've got the investors
muscling in hard on me.

My j0b's at stake here.
Damn it!

I should have turned this hand
over to the police.

If the police ever solved a case,
that'd be the biggest miracle of all.

Mr. Mayor?

Padre, I gotta go.
There's somebody at the door.

I think we need to talk.



it's me.

Is it actually you?

I mean, I recognize the finger.

'Cause you used to give it to me
all the time...

but the whole thing
is so incredible.

They think you're 3 Virgin.

Can you believe that?
Of all the people...

my shi/(sa wife 3 Virgin.

I mean, it's astonishing.

You got to help me out.

Ifyou can do anything at all.

Ican't blame you ifyou hate me,
but do me a favor.

Don't work against me, okay?

That man is a butcher! God!

Well, that's an honorable profession.

No, no. I mean what he did to her.

Apparently, he cut her up
in seven pieces.

Seven? You found them all?

All but one.]ust outside
your chickenshit little town.

Guess which piece was missing.

Well, you don't think-

Our hand is miraculous.

Was this man's wife a saint?

Well, she could do some pretty
amazing things with her tongue...

but a saint, no.

Is there a complaint somewhere?
A missing persons report?

I don't see one here.

The hand had a wedding ring on it.

I'd like to have a look at that,
ifyou don't mind.

I'd like to see a warrant.
This is New Mexico, not Texas.

Fatherjerome, I told the detective
here we would fully cooperate with him.

Ijust think the detective is a little
out of hisjurisdiction, don't you?

And I have a feeling
this is personal in some way.

lam at this time more than prepared
to take a fingerprint...

ofyour "miraculous hand."

I'm sure you are.

You were so damn beautiful.

That's the problem.
God made you just too beautiful.

You know, the same way He's gonna
make me fry. And I can't blame Him.

I did the wrong thing.
I know that.

But what do you want me to do?

You cheated on me continually,
you know.

Why did you marry me in the first place,
ifyou were gonna cheat all the time?

And with guys like Bobo.
I mean, give me 3 break.

And then it wasn'tjust Bobo.
It was like a whole string of Bobos.

And none of them loved you.
None of them were faithful to you.

I was the only one who loved you
and who was faithful to you.

Sir, people are waiting.
Do you have a request?

Ijust wanna tell her
that I'm sorry.

He says he's sorry. Okay?
Move to the red gratitude line, please.

Excuse me.

Sorry. Everybody, watch out.
Move back. Nobody moves here.

Out of my way.
Everybody, down!

Freeze, Tex!
Nobody moves.

Stay back.
We'll talk later. You're busy.

You gotta help me, Father.
I think we should talk.

I'm sorry.

Let go of me.
He's out there!

Stay back! Calm down!

Hey, what are you doing?
Our only chance is if he escapes.

Let's get him! Let's get him!

There he is!

Don't let him get away.

Where did he go?

My crib, your crib.

Have some coffee.

He's got the hand, man!

It's worth a lot of money.

Did they catch him?
No, not yet.

Yes, there is 3 God.

That's what I'm afraid of.

Man, I hope that guy can run.

In the meantime, here's a toast.

To borrowed time.
I don't drink.

Yeah, right. Here you go.
Good time to start. Salud.

I thought you were going
to talk to that cop.

Sorry I doubted you.

Here, Father.
Here's for the church.

What? Religion's a bloody business.

What did you get into it for?
I wanted to help people.

I grew up on the street,
like Paco and Haco.

At one time I thought
I could help kids like that.

At one time you thought
you could do without sex too.

A woman was killed.

You want the man
to just get away?

Hey, 2,000 years ago,
a certain man was killed.

If that man wasn't killed,
you wouldn't have a religion.

Well, you know the case.

What ifhejust got prison?

Time off for good behavior.
There'd be no Christianity.

It's a great argument
for capital punishment.

There's a comforting thought.

Yeah! Kill the motherfucker!
Kill him!

Yeah, Meche, kill him!

Oh, I can't see!

I can't see!
I can't see!

Your eye. Your eye.

Oh, no.

My eye!

Grand champion of El Nifio!

The miracles are reverting.
My legs!

My legs!

The fountain stopped?

There he is!
He's getting away!

What are you trying to do, stupid?
Give us the finger!

I need some help.
Now's the time, sweetheart!

You believe the Virgin
would listen to you?

You guys have a great little town here.
I love everything-

Looks like you're trying
to resist arrest, Tex.

Look. It's Hopalong Quesadilla.
Oh, great. My day is made.

My here's here.
Back off, greaseball.

This here is my prisoner.

You people can all go back to your
mule farms or wherever the hell-—

No, you go back to Texas,]ohn Wayne.

The people only want
the hand of the Virgin.


That hand was no virgin.

You better tell us where it is.
Don't worry. He'll talk.

Yeah, you give me the little mamma.
I'll make him talk.

Please! Please!

Kneel, please.

Go home, cowboy.

This man is under arrest
for theft.

Ifyou think he did more,
swear out a warrant.

He's not going anywhere.

I'll swear out a warrant.

Take it easy, fellas.
This is a rented car.

Watch your head, please.

Steady, steady.

Hey, take it easy.
You're bending the starch.

Now, look. Here's the mayor.
Show some respect.

Thank you, Mr. Mayor.
You're very lucky.

We're going to serve dinner in 20
minutes, but only ifyou're quiet.

You only got that son ofa bitch
on petty theft.

I got him on murder!

You want to extradite him?
Show me some papers.

You piece of shit.
He murdered that girl.

Maybe. Maybe not.

But only three people know that.

You, me
and that priest over there.

The future of this town depends
on it stayingjust like that.

Is that supposed to be
some kind of threat?

The secret would be safer
if there were only two.

Burn the place down!
We want the hand!

Look, it's gonna-

I think I'm gonna be tied up
here in El Nifio for quite a while...

so I need you to take e bus
or hitchhike here.

It 's in south west New Mex/ca.

You 're a great dag, Pin/(y, and-

Right. Yes.

No, no. It's not funny.
Don't laugh.

And get here as quick as you can.


Listen. lfyou ever want to talk,
ifyou need anything-

Actually, ifyou have
a key to this place...

that would be extremely helpful.

And I'd like to talk to you
about your wif -

what's left of her.

I know it may be a sensitive subject.

Did you have any idea
she performed miracles?

I can only tell you that I never
realized how much I loved her.

Now that she's gone,
you know, I really miss her.

Hey, Tex!

Guess what.

They're not gonna be able
to keep you in here much longer.

Iwill be seeing you
real soon.

You too, Juan Valdez.

You gatyaursau/

You gatyaur


Liquor's always quicker.

You look like you're
at the crossroads, Father.

Let me give you a little advice
about life.

YOU can save your GSS...

or you can save your soul.

But you can't save both.

You can't save both?
That's right.

Your ass, or your soul.



Got no other choice

You can't save both!

You can sa ve your soul
oryou can sa ve your ass


I was saving my ass!


I'm so glad you-
How do you know?

Know what?
We're telling the bishop tonight.

Telling him what?

It is not the hand
of the Virgin Mary.

Thank you.
But it's...

definitely the hand
ofa very powerful saint.

Santa Maria.

By the nature of the miracles,
we're pretty sure she's American.

Dr. Amado,
you agree with this?

Science can puta man on the moon...

but we cannot always
get the pigeons off the roof.

lt means I don't have a stinking idea.

The good doctor
is coming over to our side.

Miracles are something
we don't have enough data on...

but I will never stop
my investigation.

I have never had a patient
who said...

"Forget the surgeon.
Get me a holy icon."

Trust me.
Trust us.

We will discover
who this gring/'ta saint is.

This is in the Church's
best interest, Father-

Your best interest.

The miraculous hand
is a new symbol of faith.

In short, it's working for us.

Let's keep it that way,
shall we?

Come! We shall pray for guidance.

Will you join us, Father?

I'm going to take a rain check.

Hi, asshole.

You all right?

Yes, I'm fine.
How are you?

Me? Yeah, I'm good.
I'm doing real good.

Except they put me in no smoking.

You're telling me that you're-


My God.

What is it like?

Oh, it's so nice.

They got all these marvelous people
up there.

And a great view.

How did you get out?

I snuck out.

Yeah. What are they going to do,
kill me?

That's a good point.

Listen. I haven't got
a lot of time.

I just want to tell you...

I'm so grateful to you.

You are?

They said lwouldn't have got in
if it wasn't for you.

You're gonna tell me
about the Saint Peterjunk?

Yeah! Can you believe that shit?

No, I don't.
Me neither.

It's a little hazy...

but they did tell me that I wasn't
exactly heaven material.

I think it's all the drinking...

and fornicating...

and adultery.

Yeah, well, I'm sure those people...

can be extremely picky
about that stuff.

Yes, but they said I deserved it
because I suffered so much with you.

Thank you.
Thanks very much for that.

The end part wasn't so good.
That hurt.

Don't you ever do that
to anybody again.

I'm sorry.

Look at the bright side.

I'm here now, right?

I guess it's like what
they say about childbirth, you know?

It's so wonderful afterwards...

you forget the whole thing
when it's over.

We never had any children.

I guess I would have made
a pretty shitty mom anyway.

Got a cigarette?

Oh, brother.

Look, there is something
you could do for me.

My hand?
Would you put it back?

Hey, I can't exactly
roam free here.

Yeah. I started to forget
all about walls and everything.

Well, you see what you can do,
all right?

And I'll do what I can on my end.

The other thing is, you know-

I'd really appreciate it ifyou'd
put my wedding ring back on it.

I'd really like that.

I think I would like that too.

Thanks alot.

You take care of yourself.

Can I ask you a question?


All that miracle stuff-
that stuff that was happening-

This was you?
You were behind all that?

I gotta go.
No, I want to know.

Because I think if people felt
there was something extra...

you know, more of a hereafter
or something...

that they would be a lot nicer
to one another.

I do believe that they would.


I say fuck 'em.

Let them figure it out
for themselves.

Pinky, you got here!

And you found it.

I've been looking for this.
How did you do it?

Now we can get out of here.

Except I promised her
that I wouldn't do that.

They're gonna put me away
for along time, Pinky.

I mean, ifyou committed
the same crime...

in dog years it would be
seven times as much...

so that's how
you have to calculate.

I hope you didn't
wait for me, pal.

Thanks, Pinky.

I finally got someone
who'll be faithful to me.

Bless me, Father.

Desi, what are you doing?

I'm here to relieve you, Leo.

Desi, please.

We can't have sex here.

We're not going to have sex.

Oh, what?
You want to play bingo?

We are going to make love.

And I'm going to show you
the difference.

Desi, why are you doing this?

Because you love me.

I do?
And I love you.

You do?
Yes, Ido.

Yes, but we're
in the house of God.

Desi, please.
You have to go.

And God is love, no?
Yes, but-

So what better place to make love
than in the house of love?

I don't think
that's what He has in-

Don't think.


What do we do now?

You're on, Padre.


Father, forgive me, because,
you know...

it's been so long
since I've confessed.

Actually, technically,
I've never confessed because...

you know, first of all,

You know, so that could...

throw a monkey wrench
into the whole thing, I'm sure.

Incidentally, I personally...

never had anything to do with
the killing ofjesus.

Ijust want
to put your mind at ease.

You know, I guess I'm-

You know, I was thinking
of that old joke by Lenny Bruce.

I don't know ifyou know Lenny Bruce.
He was a comedian in the 19605.

And they asked him if he felt
responsible for killingjesus...

and he said, "No, it was just a party
that got out of hand."

So that was...

a funny joke that-

Obviously, you know,
not perfect for this room...

but he did very well with it.

Anyhow, I want to confess.

I did kill my wife.

I did itjust once.

Tex, we have to talk.

Do you have a girl in there?

Do you love her?

Do you love her so much
that sometimes you want to kill her?

Oh, yeah.

I gota feeling
you're going to understand...

what I have to say completely.

Open up!
Open the door!

Let us in!
Open up!

Is there a back door into the church?
We want the hand!

My friends, please.
The church is closed.

They told us
you had the hand in there!

Help us, Virgin!

Please, come back tomorrow.

Screw tomorrow.
I want my miracle back now!

And I want to kill that thief
with my bare hands.

Here. I think this belongs
to you.

So what now?
That's up to you.

Well, shall I give myself up?

There are many ways
of doing penance.

You know, you could always
tell the cops that I did it.

I'm bound by the seal of Confession.

But I'm not.

I know you told God
you're sorry...

and maybe God can forgive you
for what you did.

But as a woman,
ldon't know ifl can.

Idon't even know ifl should.

Ican't bring her back.

Maybe you have.

Hey, listen to me!

Come on.
Let's get you some cover.

Come on, come on.
Get out of here.

My friends, wait!

Wait, everybody!

Please! Please!
This is your church!

Don't do that!

This is God's house!
What are you doing, for God's sake?

Go. Get out of here, Desi.

It's all your fault, Padre.
You're gonna pay for this.

Unojo, I'll take your other eye,
I swear to God.

Folks, I think I have
what you want right here.

No, that's enough.
That is enough.

You people are going to hear the truth.
No, Leo, don't.

That is not the hand
of the Virgin.

It isjust the hand ofa woman-

a poor, innocent woman.

Not that innocent.

Then how do you explain-

I can't explain it.
And I can't either.

And from now on...

I'm not even gonna try.

But Padre, what about us?
Yes, Father?

Ithinkyou can take care
of yourselves.

Did you ever even think about
what was going to happen to us?

Why are you abandoning us?

Look, you'll find a way.

I'm sorry. This has all been
a terrible misunderstanding.

No, Father,
there's no misunderstanding.

I had legs.
And I had my eye!

And I had a great pair of tits.

Yeah, and they weren't
my imagination, Father.

And I could see.

These people want you dead.

They mayor here wants you dead.

And when you give back that hand,
the state of Texas...

is gonna want you dead.

Yes, I have many friends.
Father, wait.

He's going to turn the hand
over to who?

Look, I like everybody
in the room.

It's just that you're
a little overwrought.

The hand has to go to the police.
Then, maybe after the trial-

But God brought
the miraculous hand to us.

And a whole lot of money.

You know, I can do wonderful things
with brisket.

I could form the hand-

We could keep ita secret.
And the tourists will keep coming.

It'll be business as usual.
Listen to me.

This man just confessed to-

Father, besides us here,
who else knows about this?

I do.
Who's that?

This man murdered his wife.
That's her hand he's holding there.

Now, you good people wouldn't want
to let this man...

get away with murder,
would you?

Yeah, let's get him.
We know he's a thief.

No, he brought the hand
back to us.

The hand goes with me.
It's evidence.

You're not taking the hand!

Probably better
if I just took my punishment.

Tonight this is still my church...

and I'm giving this man sanctuary
until everyone cools down.

I have a warrant
to bring this man back...

and it does not specify
dead or alive.

Best of luck.

I've completely rethought my position.
I'm staying.

Hey, this poor guy
isjust doing hisjob now.

Fireworks coming!

Get the chandelier!

You people are gonna pay!

I'm a Texas State Trooper!

Oh, yeah!
Do you like that?

Yeah! Burn, baby, burn!

You burrito-eating
little bastard!

And the devil said
to the Lord above

[ oak at Whatyaurpeap/e da


I told you
I'd get it back for you...

and now, you know,
you got it.

I think that I'm going
to be going over to Texas.

You know, they have
the death penalty in Texas...

so I could very well
find myself...

dead in Texas-
which is probably redundant.

Do you have any...

final advice for me?

G reat.

Well, ifl run into you
up there...

you know, I'll leave a message
with your answering service.

So long, toots.

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen
to Lalo's E! Nir'wo Tours.

Off to your fight,
you see aur/ave/y placeta...

with Disco Fever
and the Peacock Club.

Over here we have Carla's bordello
and Unojo's saloon.

Off to the far right
we have the El Nifio Church...

where a lot
of our religious activity...

and many miracles
have occurred in this church.

El N/fio is a VEIJ/ busy town.

50 What does this all mean?

Bobo was doing his job.
He got tortured.

Candy cheated [ike hell.
She got heaven.

The townspeople killed .; cop,
and they got miracles.

The mayor corrupted everybody.
This guy gets reelected.

The priest renounced his vows
and he got married.

I loved like .; madman,
and I'm going to get executed.

ls this supposed to be funny?

I'm afraid God is sending us all
a message-

Ifyou can't take ajoke,
go fuck yourself.