Piccadilly Jim (2004) - full transcript

♪ After years
of expensive education ♪

♪ A car full of books
and anticipation ♪

♪ I'm an expert on Shakespeare
and that's a hell of a lot ♪

♪ But the world
don't need scholars ♪

♪ As much as I thought

♪ Maybe I'll go traveling
for a year ♪

♪ Finding myself

♪ Or start a career

♪ I could work with the poor
though I'm hungry for fame ♪

♪ We all seem so different
but we're just the same ♪

♪ Maybe I'll go to the gym
so I don't get fat ♪



♪ Find things more easy
with a tight six-pack ♪

♪ Who knows the answers?
Who do you trust? ♪

♪ I can't even separate
love from lust ♪

♪ Maybe I'll move back home
and pay off my loans ♪

♪ Working nine to five
answering phones ♪

♪ Don't make me live
for my Friday nights ♪

♪ Drinking eight pints
and getting in fights ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh!

♪ Love ain't the answer
nor is work ♪

♪ The truth eludes me
so much it hurts ♪

♪ But I'm still having fun
and I guess that's the key ♪

♪ I'm a 20-something
and I'll keep being me ♪

Oh!

Oh, Master Jim.



Mmm.

Good morning, sir.

Yes, well, never mind that,
Bayliss.

- It's a Code Red, isn't it?
- It is, sir.

What... what was it?
Another birthday party?

- It appears so, sir.
- Whose this time?

- I believe it was the cat's.
- Oh, Jim!

Wake him up. Tell him to put
as much distance between

where he is and where he's
going as he possibly can.

I'll... I'll get back into
bed and try and stall Mrs. Crocker.

Though, uh...

God knows how.

Oh, my God.

I hope that's not my head.

It is my head. And it hates me.

- Bayliss, is that you?
- It is indeed, sir.

May I remind you that the Duchess
of Axminster is coming for breakfast.

The Duchess?
Breakfast? This morning?

Girls, you've gotta go.
Connie, you've gotta go.

- No, I'm Connie.
- So am I.

That's a coincidence.

Very pleased to meet you.

It's been fun. Now go, quickly.

To assist you in your exit, ladies,
here is a map of Belgravia

- and a local bus timetable.
- Thank you.

Oh, I've still got mine
from last time. Thank you.

Oh...

Oh, late nights, parties.
What's it all about, Bayliss?

In the immediate future, sir,

it's all about getting out
and clearing up

before Mrs. Crocker wakes up.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

- It's this way?
- No, sir. That way.

That way. Yes, OK.
Good, good, good.

Mr. Bayliss?

Yes, Master Jim has gone
for the record again.

Ladies and gentlemen,

our very important guests
arrive in 15 minutes.

Observe the room. You all know
your roles in a Code Red.

So assign yourself
the job then be upon it,

like skin upon a chicken.
Good luck.

Are you sure you wouldn't rather
have a lie-in, Eugenia darling?

A lie-in?

When the Duchess of Axminister
and her son

Lord Percy are coming
for an interview?

This is the most important
day since we came to England.

Don't you remember, silly?

Oh, Bingley, do calm down.

Your son is miles away.

It's not as if he could have
thrown one of his parties.

- Not even Jim could be that thoughtless.
- Go away.

Come on, Bingley,
they'll be here in five minutes.

Oh, Eugenia, I wouldn't go into
the drawing room if I were you.

The things I do for Pop.

Why precisely is the Duchess
and her son...

- Coming to breakfast?
- Yes.

Because we're moving up
in the world, darling.

At last my contributions to
the Duchess's benevolent fund

for inebriated cabmen
have paid off.

If things go well this morning,

we may find ourselves
elevated to the peerage.

So you can stick it up
your sister's nose?

That's an extremely vulgar way
of putting it. But yes, exactly.

Look at her.
Look at those mean little eyes.

I've got you this time, Nesta.

Really, Bingley, what's
the matter with you today?

I don't want any of your odd actor
type behavior in front of the Duchess.

Remember, if 600 members of the
Royal Family died, she'd be queen.

What are we waiting for, driver?

Run him over.

Oh, Mother,
stop living in the past.

You can't kill them anymore.

Just wing him, driver.

Hey, Dad.

Oh, God, please deliver me
from this place.

Come on, we've got to get you
out of here.

Jim, you know your stepmother
hates you having parties.

Oh, come on, Dad. It's
just a little innocent fun.

Anyway, they're all gone now.

Mmm.

Hurry up! Hurry up!

All right, there's a map. This'll
have to show you the way out.

Hurry! Hurry! Go.

It's all clear.

Good luck with Eugenia.

I wish you could call me Mother.

- I wish I could, too.
- There was a party, wasn't there?

A party? What do...? Why would...?
Why would you say that?

There's a cow wearing a hat
in the guest bedroom.

Oh, it wasn't a dream.

We brought you to London, James,

with the hope that you
might make a new start.

When they fired you from
that newspaper in New York....

No, they didn't fire him. They just thought
he might like it better somewhere else.

They gave him 15 minutes
to leave the building.

Twenty. Though actually, you know,
they still use my name for the...

Look, James! I have gained
a reputation in London society,

and I will not have it jeopardized
by your talent for trouble.

Now, we're shortly expecting
company of the highest quality

so why don't you take a hike,
buster?

What happened to your hand, Jim?
Oh, not another fight.

Oh, I was at the Embassy Club, and
some guy insulted the virtue of the ladies.

So I had to give him
one in the peeper.

Let's hope he's not looking
for a rematch.

Don't worry. The pop
I gave this guy,

we won't be seeing him
again anytime soon.

You!

- You little oik.
- What's that?

- Jim!
- That's the guy.

Very sorry. I'm really sorry.

Mother!

That is it!

This thing has gone too far.

We're gonna have to pay
my sister a visit.

She's lost control of that boy.

Oh, him.

Piccadilly Jim.

Well, you know how I feel
about him.

Oh, phooey.
That was all years ago.

Don't tell me you're still upset

by what he wrote about
your silly love poetry?

Apparently not.

Never, ever talk
about my poetry.

I'm a crime writer now.

I got awards. America's most
brutal crime scene. That's me.

Right.

But, well, anyway, we're all gonna
have to go on over there before lunch.

Oh, no. Not me. Uncle Peter
and Ogden can tag along.

- I'm taking a walk.
- Ann.

I've never met Piccadilly Jim,
and I don't want to start now.

Ogden! Peter!

Is Mrs. Crocker at home?

Oh...

Tell her that her sister,
Mrs. Pett,

- is over from New York...
- Thanks.

And has come to see her

to talk about that loathsome
Piccadilly Jim.

What about that husband of hers?

The failed actor?

- Is he here?
- I'm afraid not, madam.

Perhaps madam would like
to wait in the drawing room?

I say this for the British,

they can still train
a decent servant.

Mrs. Crocker will be with you
in a few minutes.

And if you are ever in New York
and you need a job, look us up.

After this place,
it might be fun

to see a house
that's run properly.

I'll bear it in mind, Madam.

I thought I heard the bell, sir?

Ah, so you did, Bayliss.
So you did.

Will you tell Mrs. Crocker
that her sister

is waiting for her
in the drawing room?

It's the disgrace
I find amusing.

I'm not used to it.

Disgrace?
Are you quite well?

When you talk like this,

I'm afraid
your mind is wandering.

Come, Eugenia.

Consider your choice of husband
and the character of his son.

If only Piccadilly Jim
had been raised

in a house like ours
in New York.

Like my own darling
little Ogden.

Exposed to a constant diet
of culture and art.

James' greatest enemy
is boredom.

How could anyone in conscience
place him under your roof?

He's used to circles
that would make you dizzy.

Oh, dear.

And there was I, thinking how
much he might like Lord Wisbeach.

Lord Reginald Wisbeach?

Mm-hmm.

Who is to visit us in America.

He and James could be
such friends.

After the young Earl of Chance,

I would say Lord Wizzy Wisbeach
was James' best friend.

Then you'll be
pleased to hear...

he is marrying
my husband's niece.

- He is?
- He is?

She'll get used to the idea.

And what date is the wedding?

Oh, not settled. What a shame.

If Ogden really wants
to break a vase,

let me ring for the butler
to bring him a hammer.

Whoa, careful, mate.

The museum...

- Hey!
- Ooh!

- Sorry.
- Take care there, man!

What insolence!

Jeez, look out!

Phew, lady, that was close.

What do you say
we have a little...

drink? Maybe you and I could...?

Thanks.

Yeah, you're welcome,
sweetheart.

Ah, Ann, good. There you are.

This afternoon,
we start packing.

We're heading home
on the Atlantic tomorrow.

- What? We just got here?
- The perfect time to go.

I've had more than enough
of the cooking,

the plumbing and Eugenia.

So did you get to meet
the infamous Piccadilly Jim?

Huh!

Monsieur Crocker. Forgive me,
but there will be no trouble.

We have only just taken
delivery of the replacement glass.

No trouble, Jacques. Mon amie.
No, I am a reformed character.

There hasn't been any trouble
in at least a couple of days.

I'll have a soda, if you want.

And, um, could I get a martini?

She's an angel.

As far as I'm concerned

Jimmy Crocker is
a complete and utter louse.

She just... she just said,
"Jimmy Crocker is a louse."

What's... what's going on?
How does she know me?

I've never met her before
in my life.

You're hurting my arm.

Oh, sorry.

Jimmy? Jim.
It's me, Reggie Wisbeach.

- Hello, Jimbo.
- Somebody else! I'm not Jimbo.

Go over to the bar! The bar!

Ah!

So mad at that boy I could bite
his head off at the neck.

Now, Nesta, your quarrel is
with Eugenia, not with Jim.

How do you know
you'd dislike him?

You never even met him.

I've never been to Africa,
but I know that it's hot.

Nesta. Eugenia.
Aunt... Aunt Nesta.

No, No. Please. No, no!

I'm not in the mood. No, no...

Here we go again.

Hey, they got some guys pants.

How much for your trousers?

- I beg your pardon?
- I want to buy your trousers.

What's so difficult
to understand about that?

Um...

Well... um...

what happened to yours?

Hello, there.

I never thanked you
for saving my life.

Does anyone have a light?

- I didn't think you noticed me.
- Notice you? Are you kidding?

You know, if it wasn't for him,
I might be a new road mark.

Oh...

Mr...?

Bayliss.

- I'm Algernon Bayliss.
- Hello.

- This is Bill. An old friend, yeah.
- Hello, hello, hello!

- Well, very nice to meet you.
- You too.

Goodbye.

He forgot
his trousers.

What guy hasn't forgotten his
trousers one time or another?

Yeah.

Well, thank you.

Oh, yeah.
If you're around later,

I'm visiting the Embassy Club
with some friends. Do you know it?

I've heard of it, yeah.

Well, you should come along.
It could be fun.

So, what is she this time,
another blonde? Another fireball redhead?

No, no, no, hear me out,
Dad, she's different.

Well, they are always different,
Jim. They always end up the same way,

sneaking out the back door.

- How is this one different?
- Well, she seems to hate me.

Ah, well, that's
a good start, anyway.

But the thing is, it's not me
she hates. It's Jimmy Crocker.

- You are Jimmy Crocker.
- No, not to her, I'm not.

I told her I was
Algernon Bayliss.

What? Like the butler?

Yeah, like the butler.

You remember a few minutes ago
before you told me this?

- Yeah.
- I actually feel nostalgic for that time.

It seems to me like
some kind of golden age.

Anyway, I'm meeting her
at the Embassy tonight.

Oh, Jimmy boy,
not the Embassy Club again.

It's not compulsory, you know.
You don't have to go out every night.

Well, maybe not. But I
have to go out this night.

I suppose I can't skip dinner.

You suppose right.

If you want the girl
to like you...

you'd better make Bayliss
the opposite of Jim.

By the way, have you seen
the column this week?

Uh, listen, Dad,
they still use the name.

They throw a few bucks my way.
But they fired me so quick...

I never even read it,

never mind wrote it.
What's the harm?

What's the harm?

One, it's printed on both sides
of the Atlantic.

Two, they have you out
every night,

sleeping with every girl you
see and getting into fights.

And there's lots
of inaccuracies, too.

Ready to go in there?

Ready as I'll ever be.

- Thank you.
- You'll never guess who turned up while you were out.

Can we get the main course?

- My sister.
- Nesta?

- Really, my sweet.
- Yes, really.

What's the matter with you?

Have you got a date
with a stopwatch?

No. But I think I'll cut
right to the cheese.

I just hope, for her sake,

she's got
a good plastic surgeon.

- Does she need one?
- She will.

Any day now her nose will be
completely out of joint.

Why?

- Eugenia, what have you done?
- I've bought you a barony.

We're going to be
Lord and Lady Crocker.

When will you understand?

I don't enjoy football

or cricket or gardening or rain.

I don't care who wins
the Grand National

or the Derby.
I am not a monarchist.

And I don't see the point
of Boxing Day.

I don't even like
the Lake District much.

Of course, as soon as
the papers come through,

we're heading back to New York.

- We don't have to stay here?
- Certainly not.

When I'm a Lady, I want
to be where I am a novelty.

Well, a wide choice
opens before you.

Nesta's belittled me
since we were girls.

But now she is going to eat crow
until she chokes on the feathers

and spits out the beak.

- Ha-ha!
- As for you James,

you don't know what you've cost
me already to keep this thing on track.

Sorry, would you excuse me?
It's getting late. And I'm...

If you are off to a night club,
I don't want any more trouble

- with you and your floozies.
- Eugenia, the one guy...

I'm not gonna be tonight
is Piccadilly Jim.

And if this girl's a floozy,
then I'm Rin Tin Tin.

Bingley, I'm serious.

Keep him steady
for a few more weeks,

and we could be in New York
for Christmas.

Well, it's Monday night.

I'm sure it won't be too crazy
at the Embassy.

♪ Sometimes I feel I've got to ♪

♪ Run away I've got to ♪

♪ Get away from all the pain

♪ That you drive
into the heart of me ♪

♪ The love we share
seems to go nowhere ♪

Hey, thanks, Tony.
But, no, thanks.

You are going to see
a whole new me tonight.

♪ For I toss and turn
I can't sleep at night ♪

Not tonight, ladies.

Yeah, good evening, Wizzy.
Thanks a lot.

And you're not getting
Piccadilly Jim, you parasites.

♪ Take my tears and that's
not nearly all, tainted love ♪

- Are you sure he's coming?
- No, he just said he might.

Let's check out the bar.
Nice clientele, this place.

You know this is
Piccadilly Jim's favorite club?

- Now you tell me.
- Do you think he's here?

Yeah, it would be just my luck
to run into him.

- Whoa! Mr. Bayliss, hi!
- Hi!

Dance with me, please.

I'm with Percy Whipple
who's so drunk

he can't stand, and the rest
of the group are deadly.

I'm sorry. I'm already dancing.

Whoa, who was that?

What? You really
don't know that girl?

Do I look like one
of these drunken playboys?

Oh, so you don't drink?

Oh, God, no,
I never touch the stuff.

I so hate what
drinking does to a man.

You forgot your three martinis.

Three martinis? I asked
for three glasses of water.

♪ Take my tears and that's
not nearly all ♪

♪ Tainted love

♪ Tainted love

We're dancing awfully close.

I don't think it's so awful.

What's that perfume?

Cigarette smoke.

Well, it's certainly
habit-forming.

Should your hand be there?

Not that hand.

Oh...

On what planet is that a better
place to move your hand?

I'm sorry, I...

I just can't help myself.
I found myself wanting to...

to...

- What... what are you doing?
- I'm just...

I'm looking for someone
who hangs out here.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Well, what's he... what's he...
what's he look like?

I don't know,
I've never seen him.

But I'll know it when I do.
I mean, this guy...

he's like a cockroach.
He's like a...

- a womanizer and a brawler...
- Yeah.

A gambler and a drunk.

- What's his name?
- Piccadilly Jim.

Excuse me,
can I have this dance?

Sorry, she's already dancing.
With me.

Yeah, but she's an American,
isn't she?

And they've got this rather
good thing...

They just say, "Excuse me," and
then the other fellow has to bugger off.

Well, we're in England now,
so why don't you bugger off?

You...
You're that jumped up little...

Percy! This is Percy Whipple,
one of my oldest chums.

- Hi!
- Ann! Ann!

- All right. I'm sorry I have to go.
- You, rascal you....

When am I gonna see you again?

You won't. I'm leaving
tomorrow, for New York. Bye!

Ow.

Thanks, Percy.

I happened to like that girl,
and you just ruined it.

I saw her first.

Anyway, she's just
a silly American tart.

What did you say?

♪ Take my tears
and that's not nearly ♪

♪ Take my tears
and that's not nearly ♪

♪ Take my tears
and that's not nearly all ♪

That really hurt.

- Read it.
- Dad.

Read it, please.

"Jim floors toff
in tip-top tussle." Oh, Dad.

I couldn't help it. Don't tell
me you never gave anyone a pop

for insulting a lady backstage?

There were no ladies backstage.

If they were ladies,
they were in the auditorium.

Well, what difference does it
make? You don't want a title.

You have more than that.
You have your dignity.

Oh, oh, that's all right then.

At least I shall
have my dignity.

I'm sorry, Dad,
I didn't mean to...

I'll... I'll fix it.

Mmm.

Somehow, I'm... I'm gonna...
I'll fix it. I will.

Bayliss. Good man, good man.

Oh... I think I've remembered everything,
Master Jim.

But I'm not happy about it.
I'm not happy at all.

Bayliss, you're a life saver.
Now listen.

I want you to look after my
father. Cheer him up if you can.

Maybe you could discuss
baseball once in a while.

Baseball?

You mean rounders,
the game children play.

I cannot promise to talk of it
with much enthusiasm.

But listen, Bayliss, it's very
important that you tell him that...

- Good day, Mr. Bayliss.
- Good day, miss.

Oh, it's your father.
Of course, how stupid of me.

Uh, Ann Chester.
It's nice to meet you.

- Hello.
- Yes, she's just saying...

goodbye, Dad.

I just wanted to say
before I left...

we've been through
a lot together, Dad.

And I'm sorry to be
leaving this way.

But if I don't leave now...

I'll just end up ruining things
for you again.

You'll remember that.
Won't you?

When you go home.

And remember this,
most of all...

I love you, Dad.

I love you a whole lot.

I love you too.

Son.

I better go. Um...

Well...

Maybe see you in the departure lounge,
Mr. Bayliss?

- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.

- Hey, watch this, Pop.
- Hey!

Don't ask, Bayliss.
Don't ask. Just...

wish me luck.

I know, I know.

Tarzan, get off the luggage?

Yeah, what are you
gonna do about it?

- Oh, you are on the Atlantic.
- Yeah.

I'm... I'm...
I'm on the Atlantic too.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Well...

She's a fabulous boat.
We came over on her.

Yeah.

Oh, when you get settled,
you should...

come up to my cabin.

Yes.

Ow!

Yeah, it's too bad you
don't have any bad habits.

We could have had us
a good time on that old boat.

Hello.

I thought it was you.

Beautiful night.

You don't...

- You don't mind the rain?
- No, don't feel it.

You're really close
to your father, aren't you?

- Ahh...
- I could tell.

I could see
the pride in his eyes.

Yeah, well...

You want to make him proud,
don't you? So...

You have to be a paragon
of discipline and control.

So you can live the life
that he never could.

- That's it. That's it exactly.
- Is that it?

- That's it, right.
- You got it right there, actually.

- Mm.
- Mm.

I wonder what the future holds
in store for you in America?

I thought I...

- might get a job.
- Oh, yeah.

- Working with the poor.
- Oh...

- Do some work with the orphans...
- That's very noble.

Or something, I don't know yet.

God, I love that about America.

Don't you love that? I mean, you can
have any kind of adventure that you want.

- You like adventure.
- Sure.

Adventure. Excitement...

escapades.
What else is there, right?

Yeah, well, there's love.

Love?
What's so great about love?

What's so great about love?

What, are you kidding?
Love is everything.

Love blows everything to bits
and makes it new again.

It's like a...

like a bomb in your heart. Boom.

Listen, pal, don't get me
started about love. Love is bunk.

It's just an agreement between two
people who don't want to eat alone.

- What?
- Evening, miss.

- Hey... What'd you say?
- It's a grift.

What?

- You want to know why we're going back to New York?
- Why?

Because my aunt wants to marry
me off to some rich palooka

in order to rub her
sister's face in the mud.

That's your love, buddy. Boom.

Medieval social engineering.

But you're not gonna go
through with it?

Well, no, but who am I
waiting for? Mr. Right?

Not me, Jack.

Why are you talking
like Sam Spade?

Hey, hey, hey, hey...
Hey, can I see you in New York?

I think I'm a little too modern
for your tastes, Mr. Bayliss.

But don't worry. There's plenty of
nice girls there for you to play with.

But I want to play with you.
We could have some dinner.

- I don't do dinner.
- What about lunch then?

- I never eat lunch.
- Well, we'll go for a walk.

You can walk, can't you? Or are
you too weak from malnutrition?

- I can walk.
- Good.

I'll meet you next week,
Tuesday,

10:00, in Central Park
by the zoo.

- I'll wait for you there.
- You'll be waiting a long time.

Hey, what happened to you?
Why are you like this?

It's not what happened to me,
Mr. Bayliss, it's who.

It's a man named Jimmy Crocker
happened to me.

- Jimmy-goddamn-Crocker!
- But why?

What exactly is so wrong
with Jimmy Crocker?

Isn't he just a guy
who's made some mistakes?

So was Rasputin.

Wow...

She's amazing.

Mmm...

Mmm...

Yoo-hoo!

Ah!

Let's say hello.

Ann, Ann.

This is Lord Wisbeach,
our guest of honor.

- Hello.
- Good evening.

- Will you marry me?
- Wow, he's fast.

He's eager. That's all.

I told you, Lord Wisbeach,
softly, softly, catchee monkey.

Ann, your uncle has got
the wrong face on.

If I want him to look miserable,

I'll tell him. Thank you.

I don't think Ann wants to
marry me. What's wrong with her?

Oh, don't worry,
there'll be a room in this house

- until she says yes.
- Excellent.

Aunt Nesta says, "Will you
please look as if you're at a party?"

All I want to do is sit somewhere
and be very, very quiet.

Why isn't that allowed? Why do I have
to speak to all these terrible people?

Don't be so grumpy. There's
plenty of nice people in the world.

Well... Well, Pollyanna, sounds
to me like you met someone.

What?

Here in this fruit bowl?
Give me a break.

No.

Yes.

You never told me you knew
James Crocker, Lord Wisbeach.

Didn't I?
It must have slipped my mind.

Who's talking about Jim Crocker?

Don't say you know him too,
Mr. Partridge?

Certainly, I do.
We went to school together.

He was a hero when
the chemistry lab exploded.

Oh, good heavens. Why did
the chemistry lab explode?

I don't know, I wasn't even
close to the place.

God, all these questions.
I'm getting a drink.

Well, for pity's sake,
don't tell Ann, you know.

She thinks Jimmy Crocker
is the devil incarnate.

- Why?
- Well, one or two years ago...

I met someone very...

nice, I guess.

Doesn't smoke,
doesn't drink, doesn't gamble.

I mean, this guy,
if he liked funny hats,

he could probably be
the next Pope. But...

there's something about him.

He wants me
to meet him tomorrow.

Well, you know how I'd hate to
see you end up with a nice guy.

Go... Go hide.

I'll take care of Nesta.

That man, is he a scientist?

Yes. Yes, he is.

He's working in our lab upstairs

on a new substance
called Partroglycerine.

Apparently, one teaspoon full
can blow up a battleship.

- And you're not concerned?
- About what?

Well, an awful lot of people are
going to want to get their hands on it.

And they could be anywhere.

I mean, are you sure you know
everyone in this room?

All I'm saying is...

anyone of these people
could be a beastly foreign spy.

Hey, Pops.

- Shouldn't you be in your bed?
- Shouldn't you be in your tomb?

Ogden, I've had just about
enough of you tonight.

After a week in London
and two Atlantic crossings,

do you think I haven't
had enough of you?

Oh, there she is. Where have
you been, you naughty girl?

Come to Mama.
There's a good girl.

Don't be silly, this is
Mommy's friend, Lord Wisbeach.

An English aristocrat.
Stroke her.

She likes you, really.

- What the hell are you doing?
- What's it look like?

- Shelling peas.
- Are those my slippers?

Oh, blow it out your ass.

- What in heaven's name?
- Ogden, you monster!

Will you give me my slippers
back right now?

And the other one.

No. Please. Don't hit me again.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no,
I didn't. I wasn't.

- I didn't. I wasn't.
- You monster!

No, no.

- You murderer!
- No! No!

- Nesta, Nesta!
- My baby! My poor baby!

- Did he hurt you?
- No, I did not.

- I wouldn't do that.
- You brute!

I knew you'd come.

Did you? I didn't.

Thank you.

Have you, uh,
found any work yet?

- Um...
- With the orphans?

Oh, no, not yet. Not yet.

But I'm trying.
Watch out. Watch out.

- What?
- The puddle. The puddle. Watch out.

- The puddle?
- You don't want to get dirty.

Don't you ever get sick
of being so nice?

So nicey nice? Don't sometimes,
you just wanna just go crazy?

- Come on in, jump.
- No, no, no.

- No, no, no. Hey, hey!
- Crazy!

Look, there are some people
who think I'm pretty wild, sister.

- Yeah?
- Just ask anyone around here what they think of Picca...

♪ Piccalee, Piccalay
It's a beautiful day ♪

Remember that, when we used
to sing that when we were kids?

Remember that?

I can't figure you out.
Who are you?

Jimmy Crocker.

I don't believe it.

What on earth are you doing
over here in New York?

- Uh, uh... I'm sorry?
- Jimmy, it's me, Banjie Singh.

You haven't forgotten
the Mad Maharaja, huh?

What's the matter with you?

You must remember Zizi, huh?
And Susie?

Or is she new?
Are you new, darling?

Oh, I'm new,
but I still know Jimmy!

I think there must be
some mistake.

My name is Bayliss.
Algernon Bayliss.

Really? But you...

It's extraordinary. The...

- I mean, the likeness...
- It's incredible.

Well, anyway, I do apologize.

- Susie. Zizi.
- Mmm.

What was all that about?
Crazy guy.

- What did he call me?
- Jimmy Crocker.

Jimmy Crocker, Jimmy Crocker,
that sounds familiar.

Yes, it's the man
I was talking about.

That night on the boat.

Oh, the guy you broke
the umbrella over.

- Yes.
- I don't believe it.

- Am I truly like him?
- I don't know.

- I've never goddamn seen him.
- Right, right, right.

- But if you did see him...
- What?

Well, if he was...

if he was here.
If he was standing right here.

- There?
- Yeah.

- What would you do?
- What would I do?

- Hypothetically?
- Hypothetically...

- Yeah, if you did see him.
- Well, I guess I would...

First my hands would be here.
I would be wringing...

and wringing and wringing
and a twist.

And then it's like it's
a screwdriver, it's very hot.

And then poking. I'd poke.

I'd poke, and then
I get like a hacksaw.

I've got two hacksaws.
And I'm cutting in on this guy.

I'm all over him. And then I'm
like, I look down, I'm like...

Whoa! That's a beautiful tree,
isn't it?

- Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
- Oh, God!

- Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
- Oh, God!

This can't all be about
Jimmy Crocker, can it?

No. It's about...

Uncle Peter,
and it's about Ogden and...

- It's just about everything.
- Well, won't you tell me?

I'm a pretty good listener,
and I'm pretty hard to shock.

- He ate it?
- Yeah.

- Oh, my God. Ogden?
- Yeah.

- Oh, my God.
- And then last night there was Uncle Peter's slippers...

No, no, no more.
That's enough. That's enough.

You know what you've got there?
That's a... that's a problem child.

That's what you've got there. You should
send him to one of those summer camps

where they make him
break rocks for no reason.

Yeah. Or send him
to the Foreign Legion.

- You should kidnap him.
- Yeah.

- What?
- Huh? Oh, nothing. Nothing, I was kidding.

Oh...

But you meant that we should...
kidnap him?

Oh, that's great.

Oh, that's gre...

Yeah, we, we kidnap him. And
we send... him, like, to a boot camp.

OK, not a boot camp but like a
reform school. And you'll help me.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Oh, yes, yes!

Hold it right there. I'm not
helping anybody kidnap anybody.

Um... Yeah, I forgot.
Mr. Responsible doesn't like adventure.

Hey, this isn't adventure,
toots. This is ten to 15

with a chain around your ankle
and don't bend over in the shower.

OK. Fine.
You should be responsible.

It's obviously working for you.

Wait, wait a minute.
Hold on now. Wait.

You're...

You...

How would we do it?

It would have to be
an inside job.

- Right?
- Right.

But how? How would...?

Just...

Oh!

What if Piccadilly Jim
was in New York?

He'd want to visit
his family, wouldn't he?

OK, OK. Here's what you do.

Tell Uncle Peter you
just got into town,

and you get him to ask you home.

Remember, they've never met
the real Jimmy Crocker, right? And...

apparently,
the resemblance is uncanny.

- Thank heavens for that.
- OK. Good luck.

- OK.
- Try to sound drunk.

- Uh-huh.
- And when you walk, stumble a little.

As if you weren't to steady
on your feet. Like this.

Hey, will you get out
of the road?

Like that. And be rude.
You can't be too rude.

And, uh... ignorant and just be
a complete scumbag.

- Good.
- OK. Eighty-second floor.

- Hello.
- Hello.

Where have you been?

Out.

Yes, thanks for
narrowing it down.

Really, Ann,
what is the matter with you?

Anyone would think you were
expecting a love letter.

Or a visit from the police.

- Nesta?
- Yes, you child beater?

I have news and I think
you'll be pleased with me.

- I doubt it.
- Guess who just arrived in New York?

- I have no idea.
- Go on, guess.

Einstein. The Marx Brothers.
The corpse of Emile Zola.

Jimmy Crocker.
And he's asking to visit us.

He said Eugenia would be furious
when she found out where he was.

And so I've told him
to come right up.

- What?
- Yeah.

No, no, no, no, no, no.
Come back, madam.

- I entreat you.
- I'm sorry, Marcel.

I just don't feel Cubist
any longer.

Hey there, cutie-pie.

You must be Nesta.

I think I must be Mrs. Pett.

I want you to feel
at home here, James.

But things are
gonna have to change.

I'm afraid Eugenia has
been soft with you. I won't be.

She may be all heart,
but I am all brain.

Well, with her heart and your brain,
what could I be missing?

A healthy liver.

My niece, Ann Chester.

Of course, you've had dealings
with her in the past.

Well, we've never actually met.

- You hound!
- Oh!

Really glad I got that out
of my system.

Mr. Crocker, have you seen
our lovely view?

Ow!

- What are you doing?
- What am I doing?

You are over-playing it.
Take it down.

- Take it down? OK.
- Right down.

Um, small thing, totally nothing to
worry about. I forgot about Skinner.

- Skinner?
- He's your butler.

He's Crocker's butler.

- Skinner?
- Skinner.

What do you...?

I bet you weren't
expecting that.

I poached him from right under
Eugenia's nose.

You poached him?

She'll be livid.

You have no idea.

I almost forgot.

You'll be glad to hear Lord
Wisbeach is staying with us.

Lord Wisbeach knows
Mr. Crocker?

He knows you.
You two know each other.

Know him? They're old friends.

- Mmm! Nice rug.
- Yeah, isn't it gorgeous.

- Yes.
- Feel it, it's just so creamy.

- What are we gonna do?
- I might have to take up drinking.

No. I won't have you go against
everything that you believe in.

- What about Wisbeach?
- Don't worry about Reggie Wisbeach.

He's as thick as a plank.

What? How do you know?

Um...
All these guys with the titles,

the in-breeding
goes back centuries.

I wouldn't be surprised
if he thinks he knows me.

Ah... Here's Lord Wisbeach now.

I believe you know my nephew,
James Crocker?

- Mmm. Mmm.
- It'll be fine. Don't worry.

Mmm?

- Hello, Wizzy.
- Jimmy, old man.

You're looking well.

Thank you.

This is a nightmare.

- Nobody talk to me.
- Ann, are you taking something?

No, no. Not yet.

I've only had two hours sleep.

Now we are complete.
Here is little Ogden.

- This is Jimmy Crocker, Oggie.
- Hello.

- I said, nobody talk to me.
- Ow!

- Wow. He's spectacular.
- Isn't he?

And it's so nice to see him
in a good mood for a change.

Luncheon is served.

Shall we?

What are you doing here?
What am I doing here?

What are you...?
You're not supposed be...

Don't, don't tell them
who I really am.

- I won't if you won't.
- Won't what?

- Tell them who I really am.
- They know who you are.

That's right, they do. Don't
they? She's got me doing it now.

Jim. Jim, what's going on?

I'm-I'm... there's...

I'm pretending to...
Wisbeach isn't... I don't know.

- Mr. Crocker.
- Hi, I'll be right there.

- Just checking...
- That will be half past one, sir.

Thank you. Little fast.

Remember Al's Bar?
Just around the corner?

- Oh, yes.
- I'll meet you there at 3:00. OK.

Oh, Mr. Crocker doesn't drink.

Excuse me.

I don't think I've ever heard
a butler laugh before.

And I don't blame him.

Piccadilly Jim goes on
the wagon?

We must cable The Times at once

to see if we can make
the funny pages.

No, no, no, no,
that is, I thought

it might be an idea to give
it up. But it was a bad idea.

Fill 'er up, Skinner.

Cheers.

Skinner, must...

remind you of London?

Oh, yes, well,
for many years, you know,

Skinner has been like
a father to me, really.

Tell us about the White House,
Mr. Partridge.

It must be hard to convince them
of your claim for the explosive.

Not really. I usually take
some along to show them.

It seems to concentrate
their minds.

I have enough in this test tube

to blow half the city to bits.

Wow! This is great.

How dare you bring that stuff
into this house.

You built me a laboratory. What
did you think I was doing in there?

How should I know?

Making things bubble!

At any rate you can take it
out of this house right now.

But you always say how you like
to be at the center of things.

The center, yes.
Not blown into outer space.

There's no danger.

It can't explode.

-Without concussion
-Very well.

Much against my better judgment,

you may put it
in the library safe.

But it goes just as soon as you
can make alternative arrangements.

OK, so what about
the kidnap plan?

The plan?
I can't even think straight.

Everybody in this house
knows Jimmy Crocker.

Yeah, except you.

- What?
- Will you marry me?

-Oh, please
-Ann.

Do you mind if I
ask you something?

Shoot.

- What's your game?
- My game?

Oh, come on, spit it out.

You with Ostrovsky?
Or Helmut Blott?

- Helmut Blott?
- That's it, isn't it?

You're working for Blott's lot.

I'm not working at all,
right now. Thank God.

Do not take me for a fool,
Herr Crocker.

If you mean I know
you're not Lord Wisbeach,

and all of a sudden
you have a German accent,

then of course,
you are quite correct.

And you are not Jimmy Crocker,

or you wouldn't have said
you recognized me.

I see your point.

But there is an important
difference between us.

- Which is?
- I really am Jimmy Crocker.

It's just I am pretending to be someone
else who is pretending to be me.

Gott im Himmel.

- You seem nervous.
- I don't like that butler.

- Uh... you think he's one of Blott's lot?
- Perhaps.

And who are you, by the way?

Among my people, I am
known as the Aristocrat.

- Why?
- Look, even if you are the real Crocker,

you are here to steal
the formula, yeah?

- Will you work with me or not?
- Not.

I am in fact going right now
to tell Mrs. Pett

that there is a snake
in her Eden, namely you.

And how will you explain to her
why you greeted me before lunch,

if I am a spy
and an impostor now?

So because you're not Lord Wisbeach,
then I'm not Jimmy Crocker,

- even though I am.
- That's it.

- That's ridiculous.
- Oh.

Hmm.

Ann?

Ann?

I'm in the shower.
Take a seat. I won't be long.

Two, five, eight, seven.
Not prime.

Is it all straightened out now?

- Safe in the safe, so to speak?
- Oh, yes.

There's something
I've been meaning to ask you.

When did you last see
Jimmy Crocker?

At lunch.

- Can't you see he's changed?
- Not especially.

What about his eyes? Don't they
seem a little bluer than they were?

Now you that you mention it, no.

And the mouth. Isn't it
a little curlier at the edges?

What are you saying?

Only that I am not convinced

this Jimmy Crocker
is our Jimmy Crocker.

- And if he isn't...
- You think he's after....

my invention?

Wow!

Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no.

"What's wrong with this girl?
Doesn't she realize that love is

just an agreement
between two people..."

"Who don't want to eat alone."

Oh, God. I'm so...

I'm sorry I didn't mean to...

I'm so sorry.

How could anybody write
something so vicious, so cruel?

I was young.

I was silly enough to send a
copy off to The Clarion for a review.

And my reward was Jimmy Crocker.

Now you know why
I hate him so much.

Well, I mean, it can't be
that bad. Can I read one?

Sure.

The girl who wrote those
is long gone.

"Little Birdies."

"Little birdies
flying around..."

"Why is it you make that sound?

Is it because
you're going home for tea?

Or is it because...

you're so lovely?"

It's terrible, isn't it?

I think it's beautiful.
I think it's really beautiful.

I don't know...

- Ow!
- You... you liar!

Nobody likes my stupid poetry!
Get out!

What?

It's over. You're worse
than Piccadilly Jim.

What?

What's the matter with you?

Did someone mention your poetry?

♪ Then love

♪ Love will tear us apart

What's the matter with you?

I don't think I've ever
seen you like this before.

Don't tell me you're smitten?

I'm as smitten as anyone
who's ever been smit.

But it's hopeless, she hates me.

No, she doesn't hate you,
she hates Jimmy Crocker.

- I am Jimmy Crocker.
- I thought you were Algernon Bayliss.

I am. She hates him too.
She hates all of us.

Why does she hate Algernon?

I have no idea. All I said
was I liked her poetry.

The same poetry you savaged?

I didn't savage it.
Piccadilly Jim did.

Well, her poetry is obviously
something she'd like to forget.

There are things in your past
I bet you wish you could bury.

Why am I such an idiot
about love?

I mean, here's this guy,
he's clean and decent and good.

He even likes my stupid poetry.

No one ever said that to me
before. Not even my publisher.

- Well, what more do you want?
- I don't know.

I want a guy who's tough and
trouble and dangerous to know.

I mean, all that goodness,
it just gets me a little crazy,

and then I say the wrong thing
and... boom.

Oh, boom, shmoom.
He is extremely rich.

- He is?
- Mm-hmm.

He may be a touch formal, but he
does own most of Hertfordshire.

Oh... you mean Lord Wisbeach.

Of course. Who did you mean?

Oh, no one.

♪ Why, why, why

Sometimes I wonder if Eugenia
didn't marry me

to take revenge on her sister.

There's gotta be
more to it than that.

Back in London, amongst
all those fancy people,

I thought I was just
acting a part.

Aren't you acting a part
right now?

Lord knows I've played butlers
often enough.

Pop, isn't it strange,
taking orders from your own sister-in-law?

I've taken orders from Eugenia
for the past three years,

and at least her sister pays me.

I know love is idiotic.

Why bother your head with
Mr. Nice versus Mr. Nasty,

when you can have Mr. Practical
Solution to All Your Little Problems?

Yeah, maybe you've got
something there.

I mean, who am I waiting for?
Mr. Right?

So what are you
going to do about Ann?

I'm gonna show her
how much I love her.

I'm gonna kidnap Ogden,
single-handed.

OK. Just make sure you
don't get into any trouble.

Oh!

- Hello.
- Banjie, is that you?

- It's Jimmy Crocker.
- Ah, Jimmy.

Now, perhaps you can explain to me
about all that bloody, silly nonsense?

Hah, I will, Banjie,
old boy. I will.

But not right now.
I need a favor.

Well, what is it? Money?
A woman? Or the car?

It's the car.
And I need it tonight.

Well, you know I haven't had
the clutch fixed.

It works. You just have
to tap-dance a little.

Well, nobody taps like Jimmy.

I knew it.

There's something
about that easy smile.

Well, what about Skinner?
He recognized him at lunch.

There we are. I was right.
Skinner must be in on it too.

- No.
- Mm-hmm.

- Hi, what's your name?
- Clarice.

Clarice, I'm Jim. Nice duster.

Would you find Miss Ann and ask
her if I could have a word with her?

It's very important. Tell
her I'll be in the library.

- Yes, Mr. Crocker.
- Thank you, Clarice.

Ah, Willie, I wonder,
would you mind leaving me alone here?

- I'm trying to talk to Ann.
- I see.

- What's the matter?
- Why don't you tell me?

Actually, there is something.

This Wisbeach is not
the real Lord Wisbeach.

How do you know?

Well, he's just a completely
different guy.

Then why did you greet him
before lunch?

Well, that's a good question.

And I can understand why...
What are you doing?

Trying to see how blue
your eyes are.

OK, uh, listen, Willie...

- What are you doing now?
- Looking at the corners of your mouth.

Oh...

Well, I'm flattered, Willie.
I am but...

you know, it's Ann I want.
All I want is Ann.

So why don't you scram?

Uh-oh!

Well, secret fire escape door.
All right.

You are sure? This is
about the Partroglycerine?

They may, in fact, want Ogden.

- Do people want Ogden?
- Certainly, they do.

And it wouldn't be
the first kidnap attempt.

I'm told that, in the underworld,
he has acquired a special nickname.

- They call him "the little nugget."
- Indeed.

Perhaps I should hire
my usual detective,

- to be safe.
- Oh, no.

He won't get in your way.
He could help.

But how will you explain it to the
president when Manhattan is missing?

Oh, is that the Sturgess
Detective Agency?

This is Mrs. Pett.

I want someone
to keep an eye on things.

No. Not my usual man.
Nobody must know he's here.

Not even the servants.

Oh... Isn't there someone
who could just blend in?

Oh, God.

Oh, oh, oh... Oh, God.

Wow.

Do brains actually explode
like that when they're shot?

No. They sort of... leak out.
Like dying love.

Hey, how can you write this
stuff? You've got real talent.

Tell that to Jimmy Crocker.
He drove me to a life of crime.

Listen, Ann.

Mr. Bayliss,
I think you ought to leave.

You can make your excuses
after dinner and go.

- How about the plan?
- The plan?

- Kidnapping Ogden?
- Oh, the plan, yeah.

I... I thought of
a different solution.

Uncle Peter is gonna come
and live with me, after I...

marry Lord Wisbeach.

- What?
- Yeah.

That's not a solution.
That's even worse than Ogden.

- Don't you realize he's a fake?
- Just because he isn't like you.

No, I mean he's a real fake.
He isn't Lord Wisbeach at all.

He's here to steal
Willie's invention.

How would you know
if he's a fake or not?

You've never even met him
before today.

The point is... the point
is you can't marry him.

- Oh, yeah? Why not?
- Because you've got to marry me.

Mr. Bayliss, if you are not out of
this house by tomorrow morning,

I will inform the police
that you are an imposter.

It's gonna have to be
tonight, isn't it?

There's no need.
My mind's made up.

- Your mind's made up.
- Mm-hmm.

Well, then you unmake it.
Now you listen to me.

If I kidnap Ogden and I put him
in a boot camp

and I bring him home transformed

and Mr. Pett is happy and
this house is a heaven on earth,

if I do all this,
will you marry me?

I...

Hey, wait a minute.

Ann. Ann.
Come here... Wait a s...

Ann, come here.

Jimmy Crocker.
Some Crocker you are.

I was there when Wisbeach
was talking to my mother.

Do you know where boys go
who listen to private conversations?

I don't know.
The witness stand?

- So who are you with?
- With?

My guess is Buck McGuinness.
Am I right, or am I right?

- Buck McGuinness!
- Right.

I don't mind Buck,
he's a decent guy.

He took me once before, and he
would have got away with it,

except for a flat tire.

- Oh, yeah?
- But this time I want my cut.

Fifty-fifty. I ain't greedy.
But fifty-fifty I got to have.

What a commercial age
we live in.

OK, lady. Right.

I got an exploding liquid,
a suspicious lord,

a false nephew, a spying butler
and a mad scientist.

That's right.

Anything else you want me
to check out?

Uh, not as far as I know.

What I don't understand is how
come you rich folks can't see

that if you gave up your money,
they wouldn't take your damn kids.

That's a novel approach
to the war on crime.

Mr. Bayliss.

- What on earth are you doing here?
- The car's ready.

I've got a map, a flashlight
and a picnic for Ogden.

And you are telling me
this because...?

Because I want you to know
that I adore you.

I, on the other hand, want you to call
the whole thing off and leave immediately.

All right, I will. I'll
abandon the entire plan...

if you tell me you love me.

How could I say that...

- and then marry Lord Wisbeach?
- Ha, yeah, exactly!

- Go downstairs!
- I thought you wanted me to leave the house?

I do, but I'll accept downstairs
as a consolation prize.

Mr. Bayliss! I...

I think you should know
that you'll be guilty

of criminal abduction in
the first degree. You're crazy.

- Oh, I'm crazy?
- That is what I said.

I'm crazy, huh?

You're marrying a Saxon con man.

With a lisp and a monocle.

If we're talking crazy, lady,
you take the prize.

I don't want the prize.

I want you.

Ooh, by the way,
Mr. Partridge...

I've arranged for your liquid
to be lodged

in the safe of a government
building tomorrow.

What kind of
government building?

Oh, you know, one of those
government buildings where they govern.

Well, that's nice of you,
Mrs. Pett, but...

You may take it in the morning.

It's been a long day.

- Good night, everyone.
- Wait for me. I'll join you.

If you must.

What are you doing out here?
What do you want?

Ow!

How do I know you're really
working with McGuinness?

If Buck put this together, he'd have
sent someone who is tougher than you.

Of course he has.

He sent... he sent a...
a driver.

- And is he tough.
- Oh, really?

Yeah.

Really.

- What do you want?
- I have to talk to you.

Well, can't it wait? I've still
got the cellar lists to check.

I think we might be running
short of Chablis.

Dad. Dad. Snap out of it.

Let me remind you, you're
only pretending to be a butler.

Oh, yes.

You're right, Skinner.
Real muscle.

We should all be pouring wine
instead of pumping iron.

Well, I'll say good night.

Just going upstairs to my room.

All right, Pop, OK.
Hat, coat, car keys.

And don't forget to tap-dance
the clutch.

You don't mean for me
to take him there as well?

You're McGuiness' driver.
Ogden may be a little suspicious

if you don't drive.

I can't do it.

You can't... You can't do it?

Now, Dad,
as long as I can remember,

you've complained that you were
always cast as a butler.

- Yeah.
- Well, here's your chance.

You're gotta play the dirtiest,

the meanest heavy
you can imagine.

You're Scarface,
your Little Caesar.

You're public enemy number one.
It's a challenge. Rise to it.

What will Eugenia think?

What's that matter? Have
you forgot you're hiding from her

in a foreign country
under a false name?

Yeah, well, every marriage
has good days and bad days.

I love you too.

Good night, sadist.

I've got two hacksaws
And I'm cutting in on this guy.

I'm all over him. And then I'm
like, I look down, I'm like...

Ha-ha. Ha.

See, kid... you've...

you've certainly grown since
the last time we grabbed youse.

Too bad about the flat tire.

We could've been
in Palm Springs already.

Don't do that,
it might go off.

So what? I'm at the right end.

Come on, Pop. Where are you?
Come on, come on, come on.

Now... which one are you?

Uh...

I'm Chicago Ed.

Take the mask off.

Listen, kid, I'm getting
a little tired of this.

So come with me now or go find
your own 50,000 bucks.

Oh, thank God, you made it.
Come here, come here.

- You ready?
- I don't know.

I'm getting a bad feeling
about this.

Oh, yeah? What's the matter,
Oggie, got a little guilty conscious?

- What?
- Why don't you fade?

- What?
- Get out of here.

You look great, Pop.
Break a leg.

- I shall speak to you later.
- I love you.

Hey, wait a minute.

Never mind.

It is done, my love.
Now we getting married or what?

- Well, well...
- Who's that?

- Throw that gun away.
- Who are you?

You got five seconds.
After that, I shoot.

I don't think so.
Not when I'm holding this.

- Four.
- Come, come.

Do you really want to destroy
the entire city?

Three.

All right.

All right, now,
put your hands up.

I said, put your hands up!

Well, well, Herr Crocker.
This is your lucky night.

Well, I hope so.

- Of course, it is not yet over.
- It is for you, pal.

Help! Help! Somebody, help!

- Help!
- Shut up!

I knew something like this
would happen.

- I was just... waiting for it.
- Willie...

- Willie, no!
- Willie, let go!

Get down!

Ah! Oh!

- Over for who, was that?
- That's really loud.

That was the loudest thing
I ever heard.

I hope my eardrum
isn't perforated.

- Oggie!
- Huh! What is all this?

If it comes to that,
who are you?

I hope you won't be offended,
Lord Wisbeach.

I engaged a detective to help
you. Thank heavens I did.

- Indeed.
- To help him?

Mercifully, I was in time.

That's absurd. I can tell you
why Mr. Crocker was down here.

Ann, you better know the truth.
This is not James Crocker.

- He's an imposter.
- I know.

His name is Algernon Bayliss.

I don't know
what he's told you, Ann.

But believe me,
the real reason he is here

was to steal the explosive.

Lord Wisbeach suspected it
all along.

Look, look, if I took the stuff,
why is it in his pocket?

- Go on, search him.
- That's ridiculous.

Of course. Fetch the police

while I check outside to see
if he has an accomplice.

Stay right where you are
and empty your pockets.

What on earth?

Why don't you, Mac,
if there is nothing to hide?

Very well.

Fools.

There's a submarine waiting
for me in the East River.

Move!

And if anybody tries to stop me,

it will be their last act
in this world.

Yes! It's almost there.

Somebody, call the police.

What for? I don't think
he's a tap-dancer.

Oh, they were trying to kidnap
me, Mom. I was so scared.

They were trying to take me
to Buck McGuiness.

So scared! He asked for
50 percent of the profits.

You were kidnapping my son?

Yes! I have no doubt that they were,
before he drove us crazy!

So now do you see
where you've brought us?

Where we are ready to break
the law to control this monster.

I don't believe
what I'm hearing.

Then find your faith
and listen up.

Before you ruin
this boy's future,

he's gonna go to a good school
where he will learn good manners.

You are the real Peter,
aren't you?

The real Peter, your husband
and master of this house.

Well, school then, Peter dear.

But let it be a kind
and gentle place.

Let there be art and music.

Art be dammed,
let there be daily floggings!

- And no whiskey!
- Hold it, hold it!

It seems to me you still got
some explaining to do.

No, wait, wait, wait.

No, his name is Jimmy Crocker.

Oh, dear, tell him, Algernon.

Tell me that you're not...

Jimmy Crocker.

- It can't be.
- Oh, yes. Yes, it can.

You can take it from me.

Why, Skinner? Why should
we take anything from you?

You come into my house under
false pretenses to steal my son.

Lord Wisbeach said you weren't
a real butler.

I know he wasn't
the real Lord Wisbeach,

but apart from being a German
spy, he made some good points.

No, no. He's right,
I'm not a butler.

- Then who are you?
- I'm Bingley Crocker.

The husband of...

Eugenia!

What's going on?

When did you arrive?

The ship was late docking. I
have still only half my luggage.

You can fetch it
in the morning, Bingley.

Bingley?

What are you doing here? I
thought you were in your study.

Yes.

Do you mind terribly...

that I'm the Jimmy Crocker?

I didn't write the column,
you know?

They just use my name.

You're not going to poke me
in the eye

with a hot screwdriver, are you?

Jimmy Crocker, the drunk.
Jimmy Crocker, the gambler.

Jimmy Crocker, the liar.

I'm afraid I'm not quite the
responsible guy you thought I was.

- What about that other guy?
- Which guy?

The guy who cried like a big
baby over my stupid love poetry.

Actually, that was me.
I meant that.

You haven't got a hacksaw
down there, have you?

- That's romance.
- Let's get a few things straight.

To begin with, we are moving
back to New York City.

- Well, of course we are.
- Next, you are going to... What?

I told you, just as soon as you were
granted a peerage, we'd come home.

I've taken a house
three doors down,

and I've chosen a title. I
thought Crocker was a little dull.

What?

What did you just say?

- He's been granted a what?
- A peerage, Nesta.

That's right.

You're looking at Lord and
Lady Riverside of Riverside Drive.

Peter!

And now I've been asked
to recite a poem.

Composed by the bride herself.

"Strife and woe is soon forgot

And now that we
have tied the knot

Our thoughts of love
we no longer hide

So husband new
you may kiss the bride"

And I'm going to go
to baseball regularly.

What would it take to get you
made an ambassador?

I'll get a costing on it
tomorrow.

And I'm going to act.

And that's not all.

You are going to come backstage
every night and tell me I was...

- Simply marvelous, milord.
- Yes, thank you, Bayliss.

So, Jim, if your father's
a lord, what does that make you?

Well, I suppose the honorable
Jimmy Crocker.

Hey, mister!

Hey!

Jimmy. Hey, Jimmy!

Anything to say for this
week's Piccadilly Jim column?

- Do you write it?
- Yeah.

- That's me. I'm you.
- Oh, is that right?

Why don't you print this?

- That was nice.
- Nice, eh?

- Yeah, I liked that.
- You liked that?

- You like this?
- Yeah.