Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean (2018) - full transcript
Ladies and gentlemen, Pete Holmes.
Hello, everybody, how's it going?
Thank you so much. Sit down.
Have a seat. Thank you.
Pete.
Thank you very, very much.
Thank you, guys. Look at you.
We're here.
You... Yeah.
You made it. I'm proud of you.
We're doing something.
I mean it.
This is sincere, you left the house?
That's no small feat.
You know how hard it is to leave...
I think you do.
It's fucking hard to leave the house.
You should be proud, you left that...
What's in the house?
Fucking everything?
Fucking everything is in the house.
All your food, all your little snacks.
The long chair you call a couch.
Oh, so comfy.
Climate control.
You can close the door,
there's that click.
You know, that click, get a nice seal
on your perimeter.
It's a good feeling, you close the door
and your lizard brain hears the click,
it's like, "Let's remain here."
Stay here forever.
Not you guys are like, "Fuck it.
We're going into the dark night."
Yeah!
We'll find parking, we'll make it work.
You're like Dora the Goddamn Explorers.
I'm impressed.
I'm honored. What did you pass up
in your homes?
Any movie?
You guys said no to any movie.
To come to this.
To roll the dice on live entertainment.
Yeah, sure.
I agree.
And it could go either way.
So glad.
What I was about to say,
"I'm so glad this is going well."
I know. It's weird.
We all wanted
to be good, you know what I mean?
We're all in the same boat. I'm being
filmed, you're being filmed, too.
Some of you were like,
and there's...
There's a camera right next to you,
you're like, "How do I laugh normal?"
Oh, no!
Don't be nervous. It's gonna be fine.
I dressed up.
This is dressed up for me.
Some comedians wear suits for their
specials, this is a suit for me.
A hard pant... I don't wanna be wearing
these hard pants.
What the fuck am I doing
in these hard non-giving pants?
All day before I changed for the show,
I was head-to-toe lululemon.
It's true.
All day, I was rocking the dream,
I was wearing head-to-toe lululemon.
If you don't know what lululemon is,
you're a good person.
lululemon is high-end yoga wear for
assholes who don't do yoga.
And I am one of them.
I am one of those assholes.
I like it. I love it.
My guy friends give me shit.
They tease me for wearing Lulu.
They're like, "There's a men section?"
I'm like, "Yes. You gotta look for it."
It moves around. You can find it.
I like it. They think women don't like
a guy in a Lulu. I disagree.
Women like a guy in a Lulu because if
I go up to a woman wearing lululemon,
it does all the work for me.
Before even say anything,
it nonverbally transmits just, "Hey,
relax."
"Nothing bad is about
to happen to you."
No one has ever gone up to a cop like,
"He went that way!
He's wearing lululemon!"
"Go now! He's fast and nimble!
He can move and bend in ways
your uniform does not allow!"
It never happened.
Mike Pence looks like a clear
gummy bear, is that...
Is that anything?
He looks like a clear gummy bear that
kind of got his shit together.
You know what I mean?
He bought a suit, like a human suit.
He learned how to tie a tie with
his unformed gummy hands.
He rehearsed in the mirror
at home like, "Hello."
"Hello, Mr. President."
Look at him go!
My fucking pina colada gummy bear
got all the way to Oval Office.
It's like he's a bad guy,
but that's impressive for a candy.
"Please don't leave me in a hot car."
Mike Pence said he doesn't wanna be
left in the room alone
with a woman that's not his wife,
I don't think that's sexual.
I think he's too delicious.
If you laughed at that,
you're gonna love this show.
You picked the right night.
You picked the right night.
My wife and I, this is exciting,
we just had a baby, so we...
Thank you very much.
I'm so glad that you guys
are baby positive.
The baby's only about a month old.
But when I started doing sets...
I know, it's crazy, she just got here.
Where was she?
I was sleeping next to my wife and
consciousness flipped on in her belly,
just bink, it's here now.
And it's my responsibility.
That's insane.
But then you guys are positive.
I've been talking about the baby on
stage right when she was born,
I was like, "We just had a baby."
Somebody in the audience said,
"Yeah. Your life's over."
"Bye-bye, life."
"Bye-bye, life. Your life, that's over.
Your life is over."
And I was like,
"Yeah, I don't fucking care."
I had a good run. I had 39
uninterrupted years of just like,
"You guys eaten cheese?"
Like, let's fucking...
Mix this up.
I can't be 40, "I'm really looking
forward to the new Joker movie."
Let's get some new people in here.
It's not that bad. People all warn you
that you don't sleep.
You sleep, you just sleep different.
You sleep in bursts. Sleep for, like,
three hours and you're up for an hour,
sleep for two hours
and you're up for an hour. It's fine.
Because the best part of sleep
is falling asleep.
It's the only part you're there for.
It's the only part you're there for.
The rest is just a coma.
When you say you love sleep, you mean
that moment where you're waiting like,
"Oh, here we go." Like that?
That's what you mean when you cascade
into the caramel waterfall
and it's a surprise every time,
like, "Oh, it's got me!"
Where you're the spoonful of sugar
and you get swirled into the glass of
ice tea that is slumber, you're like,
"I'm going away!"
That is the best part of sleep.
It's the only good part of sleep.
And because I have a baby now,
I get to do this 22 times a night.
It's the best.
I was getting up to pee anyway.
It's funny when you go to the hospital,
you have the baby, they give you one.
They give you your baby.
I knew it was my baby. My baby looks
so much like me, it feels impolite.
Like it's not supposed to be,
it came out. It was embarrassing.
I was like, "Oh, shit. It's me."
Like, that's not...
It's like my genes are assholes.
They're bully genes.
They got in the mix and my genes were
just like, "We don't want to jell!"
"This guy's nose. This guy's lips.
This guy's labia."
It's my baby.
It's embarrassing.
You're supposed to go 50/50 with
your wife, to puff puff pass the baby.
And I bogarted the baby.
They gave me the baby and I was like,
"Face match ID, a hundred percent."
Before you leave the hospital, they say
the same thing. The parents will know.
They all give you the same advice every
single nurse, there's like 20 nurses.
They all told us, they go,
"Hey, never shake a baby."
Over and over. Another nurse, really.
Really.
"Hey, listen up. Don't shake a baby."
There's posters that say,
"Never ever shake a baby."
Val and I were like, "What the fuck?
Who would shake a baby,
we're in love with this little baby?"
What they don't tell you
is you're gonna wanna shake that baby.
Oh, you're gonna wanna shake
the shit out of that baby.
You are gonna be tempted as fuck to
shake like a goddamn Etch A Sketch,
or a hysterical woman in an office
in the '60s, "Goddamn it, Diane!"
But you want to shake the baby.
I wish I knew.
It's not like it's out of nowhere.
It's not like you're having a quiet
night at home, the baby's in the crib
and you're like, "Oh, I got an idea."
It's not that. They tell you
when the baby cries, rock the baby.
They tell you, swing the baby.
This is code
for kind of shake your baby.
The baby starts crying a little bit,
you shake it a bit, and it works.
And it starts crying a lot, turned
bright red, screaming in your face,
and you're like, "What?"
It stands to reason.
You want to.
The logic tracks but you can't, because
you know... Sure some of you know.
You know what happens, what the disease
is called if you shake a baby?
Shaken... Yes.
Shaken baby syndrome.
It's the name of the disease.
It might as well be called Dad Lost It.
The disease includes what happened.
It's like a shame disease.
It's like a scarlet letter name
for disease.
It's made to dissuade you from doing it
because you can't be casual.
You can be casual about other diseases.
"Yeah, I got to go home. My baby's got
a little bit of jaundice.
It's not a big deal. She's just working
through some jaundice."
You can't be like,
you got to go home.
"My baby has got
Shaken baby syndrome."
"Yeah, I don't know what happened."
"It's going around, just going around.
She caught it. It's in the air.
It's in the air." Everyone knows some
shit went down. There's no excuse.
You can't be like,
"Yeah, we went off-roading,
I told her to buckle up, she's a little
Guy Fieri. She doesn't give a fuck."
She got tossed and tussled.
She's fucked up now, I know, yeah.
I put her on my cell phone,
it was on vibrate, got a few calls.
She's different now.
I haven't... I've never shaken
the baby. You don't shake the baby.
You want to.
I wish someone told me.
I'm like, "Am I a monster?"
"No, it's everybody."
I love having a baby, Baby Lilo.
I love her. She's amazing.
And it's not that hard, getting a
dog... I never had a dog my whole life.
Getting a dog, honestly, was more
confusing than getting a baby.
We got a baby.
Honestly, getting a dog was different
because it's a fucking dog,
it's not even your species.
It's just a wild animal.
You're like, "You wanna be in here?"
Hey, you, you eating the pigeon bones,
you wanna be in here?
When your baby cries, it's a human.
I have a human baby.
When it cries, you have a guess.
You're like, "It's probably hungry.
It's hot, it's cold, has gas."
These are the problems that I have.
So you're like, "I got it."
I have no idea what my dog wants.
My best guess,
never-ending eye contact.
I'm trying to watch Great British Bake
Off, he's down there like, "Hey, dad."
Over here.
"What the fuck do you want?"
I don't know what he wants.
I was raised with cats
and you can kind of tell.
You can kind of tell
I was raised with cats.
It's the worst hackle you could give me
is laughing at that.
You can tell I was raised with cats.
The command I most often give my dog
is, "Go live your life."
I don't know what he wants.
They're needy. I just didn't know
how needy a dog is.
I've been out of the house for two
days. If my dog had a cell phone,
I'd have 4,022 missed calls,
4,022 texts of the bone emoji
and the walk emoji.
He'd be FaceTiming me
right now just like,
"Look at these baby browns, dad.
Look at these goddamn baby browns."
You look for your cat,
you hide from your dog.
Does that makes sense?
You don't know what your cat is. Like,
people say cats are evil and they are.
But they're also all set.
You know what I mean? They're fine.
They're out learning to fucking
meditate or some shit.
They're rolling their own cigarettes.
When I left the house with my dog, I
toss a tuna steak and do a barrel roll
out the window, just so he wouldn't be
like, "Is this forever?"
But if you have a cat
and you see your cat, you're excited.
It's like a B-list celebrity sighting.
It's like seeing John Stamos napping
in a sunbeam in your kitchen.
Like, "Oh, my God. We have a cat?"
Scoop it up. "I knew I wasn't crazy."
You take pictures with the cat,
selfies with cat, prove you have a cat.
Put the cat down, he's like,
"Don't tag me. Don't tag me."
I'm being real with you.
I don't know how smart animals are.
I know they have different levels. They
have different levels of smartness.
Like my neighbor, he has two dogs.
He was telling me that he has a big dog
and he has a little dog.
When he goes out of town,
he has to tape newspaper
to the reflective glass of his
fireplace. Otherwise... listen to this,
the little dog will see his reflection
and think there's a second little dog
stuck in the place that he's only
ever seen burst into flames.
So he's just like, "Hey.
Hey, hey, hey.
I ain't going nowhere, brother."
Because he's a goddamn hero.
But when my neighbor told me his little
dog doesn't understand reflections,
all I heard was, the big dog does?
I'm a human being,
I don't understand reflections.
You're telling me a slightly larger dog
is like,
"I get it."
"That ain't me. I'm me.
That looks like me.
I know what I look like,
but that's a trick of the eye.
Life, it's a mystery."
"It's a particle and a wave.
It's both. Some of the particles
go through the glass,
that's why we can see what's
illuminated inside the fireplace.
But then a rather arbitrary amount
bounce back and frame me in light.
I love science."
"I love science.
I love it. I love science
and licking my own asshole."
I got married this year, big year,
baby and marry.
Thank you.
Sweet Lady Val. I'm glad you guys are
pro-baby. I'm glad you're pro-marriage.
A lot of my friends in LA,
anti-marriage, showbiz town,
nobody gets married. I've noticed that
the same group, though,
that is anti-marriage,
they're all pro-tattoo.
It's the same group. They'd come up
to me and they're just like,
"I don't know, man."
"I don't know how you can make
a commitment of that magnitude."
I'm like, "You have the word 'sublime'
on your neck."
"Every job interview you go on,
they'll be looking at that old English
sublime and they're gonna be thinking,
'Oh, caress me down." Like that...
That's a commitment.
My wife is amazing. She's smart.
She's funny. She's my best friend.
She's got big old titties. So, yeah.
She loves this joke. Don't worry.
She loves this joke.
You got big old titties
and I wanna talk about it.
I'm tired of not talking about it.
My wife has big boobs. You know why?
Because I don't give up on my goddamn
childhood dreams.
I'm not a quitter.
Eight-year-old me
fucking loves me.
When I was 8, I wanted a girlfriend
with big boobs and a racecar bed
and I am halfway there.
Big boobs are interesting. I feel for
her because she can't really hide them.
She can cover them up,
but everybody knows.
They're there. It's like throwing
a tarp over a porch of a house.
No one looks at it like, "Look at that
house, it doesn't have a porch."
You can still see the shape
and the side, you're like,
"That house has some big ass porches."
You know.
I feel bad, like,
you can hide a big old dick.
No one has to know.
You can send it down one leg,
you can curl it up like a Cinnabon.
It's a reveal. On the big night,
it's a reveal. You're like, "Yeah."
"That's why I'm so confident."
With big boobs, everyone can tell.
Everyone can tell
which can be awkward sometimes.
Like she had to meet my parents.
What do you do?
You just have to own it.
You're like, "Mom, dad, as you can see,
this is what your son is into."
Mom, you remember.
It's weird whenever you meet
somebody's significant other.
It's a little too much info.
You know what I'm talking about?
Especially if you don't know them
and they're just like, "This is Tina."
Like, I don't wanna see that shit,
the manifestation of the recesses of
your sexual subconscious.
You're just like, "Yeah. This is what
makes me rock hard."
"Fucking beat it, Dan. We're in a
Chipotle. Keep that shit to yourself."
I'm like, "What did Val's parents do
to her that this is what she wants?"
That she wants this ogre
Lithuanian that's like,
"What's going on, you guys?"
We got engaged, some of you might know
this story, in a hot air balloon
because I'm not fucking around.
She mentioned when we were dating
always wanted to go in a balloon.
I wrote it down, and four years later
I was like, "It's time to get married.
I wanna get married.
Let's go hot air balloon." She knew.
She knew what was up. It wasn't a
surprise. She knew I was gonna propose.
You can't just roll up to
a hot air balloon
wearing your one sport coat.
She's like,
"We've been dating for four years.
Would you like to hover in a basket
for no reason?"
"Would you like to be adrift airborne
for no reason whatsoever?"
She knew. She's not a dummy.
In fact, if she had been surprised,
I might have called it off.
But I didn't think it through.
The basket's fucking tiny,
it's the size of four pizza boxes.
So when I got in,
it's already pretty much full.
And then I was like, "This will be
fine, Val. It'll be a romantic day."
What I didn't consider is
there's another...
there's another fucking guy.
Of course, there's another guy
to fly the balloon,
and he gets in,
and he's right here.
I can feel the tickle of the stranger's
whiskers, just like...
I can feel the heat of his breath,
and he was like a man's man.
He's like a Ben Affleck character.
Wearing a Carhartt jacket with scuffs
on and he's just watching me...
He was kind of ruining the day.
He kept calling everything gay.
I know. Biggest day of my life,
he's up there just like,
"That's Janet Jackson's ranch
down there. Fucking gay."
"I used to work at that deli.
They fired me. Huh, fucking gay."
I was like, "Sir,
you pilot a balloon."
"You pilot a rainbow-colored balloon
soaring majestic over the Wine Country
of Santa Barbara,
maybe cool it on the gaze."
But it was enough. It was enough to
shake me. He's right here.
I was planning to be very flowery, like
"Val, since I first saw you, I knew..."
"You are like the sun, and the moon,
and the sky," but I get this fucking...
"You gonna do it?"
So I got nervous. This is a hundred
percent real, I took the ring out,
Val acted surprised, nice girl.
But I froze up, I just went, "Val."
"I would be honored
to call you my wife."
That's all I said.
I blew it. I didn't propose.
You're supposed to propose.
You're supposed to say, "Will you marry
me?" I just went, "It would be great."
"Let's get the law involved."
I didn't give her anything
to respond to.
It's like we were playing tennis,
but she didn't have a racket.
But she's good. She said yes
even though I didn't say anything.
She went, "Yeah, put the ring on."
I wonder what fucking Affleck's
gonna say.
I don't want him to judge me.
I don't want him to be like,
"Man marrying a woman?
That's fucking gay."
That's not what he said. This is 100%
real. It's dead quiet in the balloon.
I just proposed, she said... Yeah,
I didn't propose, but she said, yes.
What's the guy gonna say? He does
two celebratory toots of the flame.
This is a 100% real, he goes,
"Lot of girls up here, they say no."
As if that wasn't bad enough,
then he adds,
"One girl said yes in the basket,
when we landed said no."
"Clever girl."
Clever girl?
Don't Jurassic Park
my engagement story.
Did you know the movie "Three Amigos"
was released in Spanish
speaking-countries as Tres Friends?
What else can I tell you? I'm older.
I like traffic.
I'm being real with you,
I don't mind traffic.
I'm not just doing material that fits
my friendly face.
You can imagine being in traffic
and just looking at me and I'm like.
But I mean it, I don't mind traffic,
is this a traffic city?
- Yes.
- Who cares?
What's the big deal?
Just sit there.
Nothing is being asked of you.
Just fucking remain.
Surrender.
Surrender and remain.
I know I'm in the minority.
I always look to my left,
there's always a guy in a white BMW
that's like, "God fucking traffic."
A vein in his neck like a white
chocolate Snickers bar.
Like, where are you going?
Seriously, where are you headed,
you stupid bitch?
Where are you going?
Seriously, what is so important?
You're like, "I'll be happy
when I'm at work."
Be happy now. Enjoy everything.
Really, that's why I don't use Waze.
You guys know what Waze is?
Waze is the app that uses crowdsource
info to get you around traffic.
I know a lot of you probably like Waze.
Does anybody here hate Waze?
Fuck Waze.
I only need a few of you. Fuck Waze.
Listen to me,
it's not the way of the soul.
It's all head, it's no heart.
Do you know what I mean?
It just sucks you in and you're like,
"Traffic? Ha, we'll see about that."
"Right, left, right, left, left, left,
left, right, right, left, right, left."
"I'm a special boy."
Just fucking give up, you stupid bitch,
give up.
I don't need to save five minutes
careening through gated communities.
We don't belong on those roads.
Apple Orchard Lane? Get out of there.
And even if you like it, I think we can
agree there should be a medium setting.
Why am I thinking of this?
I'm not an app developer.
There should be a medium,
there's no medium.
It's either off or Indiana Jones,
that's all you got.
It's either radio silence or it thinks
you rush a kidney to the Obama family.
But I say fuck it.
I mean this. Give up.
Surrender.
Just get on the freeway with the rest
of us.
Long, slow, straight, good.
Tune out, listen to music.
Why are you so afraid of being alone?
Just be with yourself. Call an old
friend, keep a friendship alive,
listen to a podcast.
My friends all get there,
I feel you pulling away...
My friends all use Waze. They get to
the office five minutes before me.
You can tell they use Waze
because they're white as a sheet.
Their eyes are bugging out of their
head for making those suicide lefts
on to five oncoming lanes of traffic.
They're just like...
"This is a shortcut."
You can be five minutes early, I'll be
ten minutes late and tell everyone
what I learned on this American life.
That's a better way. It's a better way.
What I'm saying is enjoy everything,
this is all we have,
or maybe it's not, I don't know.
I won't make fun of your answers.
Does anybody here...
Clap if you believe in an afterlife.
Clap if you don't believe in it
but you're open to it.
You don't think there's evidence,
but you're open to it.
Anybody, reincarnation?
Reincarnation?
And who thinks it's just dead over,
you just unplug the TV, boom?
I think you're all right.
I think those are all correct answers.
What I think is funny about it, though,
is all my friends think it's dead over.
They just think you unplug the TV
and it's lights out.
They all say the same thing to me,
they're like, "Pete, think about it."
"Afterlife makes no sense.
Makes no sense, an afterlife."
"You think an afterlife makes sense?
You got to think about that again
because an afterlife..."
"Afterlife makes no sense."
And I was like,
"Yeah, I agree with you.
You know what else makes no sense?
Fucking this."
"Life makes no fucking sense."
So I would argue that
life sets a precedent
for potentially more shit that makes no
sense." Does that make sense?
But my friends...
Why not?
But my friends are all, like,
"No, man, there's this bullshit
that we all woke up in that's confusing
that none of us asked for."
"And then no more bullshits."
"It's a one-time bullshit deal."
What? Nothing makes fucking sense.
Life makes no sense.
You're on a planet right now.
You think you're in America? Zoom out.
You're on a space rock floating
in nothingness, infinite nothingness.
And the infinite nothingness
is expanding.
That means endlessness
is getting bigger.
That makes no fucking sense.
We all just act like it's normal, like,
"Everything's made of molecules."
"Okay."
"Got it.
I'll never think about that again."
I'm made of molecules, you're made of
molecules. The air between us, too.
That makes no fucking sense. These
molecules know they're molecules?
These molecules are like, "I'm Pete."
That doesn't make any sense.
This stool is made of molecules,
the same molecules in my hand.
Some of the molecules in this stool
went into me while I've been talking.
And some that were me
have gone into this stool.
And when I knock these molecules into
these molecules, when we ask Science,
"Why don't they go through each
other?" You know what the answer is?
We don't know.
That doesn't make any fucking sense.
I'm open to anything.
If I died... Listen to me,
if I died and it was just kitty cat
Thanksgiving, I'd be like, "Yeah. OK."
"Makes about as much sense as the
fucking conundrum I was just stuck in."
"Pass the gravy."
I'm not saying it's for sure.
I'm just saying it's worth debating.
It makes me wonder like, I wonder
as a thought experiment
if we were somewhere before we were
here, if we were just mist,
each of you didn't have a body, we're
just mist. You were just awareness.
If we were all just hanging out
in some sort of primordial area,
just debating the existence of life.
He's like, "You believe in life?"
"Get real!"
"You think there's hotdogs
and roller skates?" "You're a child."
"Didn't you go to college?"
Don't get me wrong, nothing is
absolutely one of the choices.
I see that for sure. And I'm not afraid
of nothing. I'm not afraid of nothing.
Who fucking cares? It's nothing.
If you're nothing, but you're like,
"I don't wanna be nothing,"
you won't be there.
Just jump off the high dive into soft,
dark soil and you're like, "Bye, Pete."
Like, "Fine."
"I just don't wanna go to hell."
There's no hell.
Be reasonable.
There's no fucking hell.
Don't wanna be wrong about that one.
If there is a hell, I don't think
the worst part will be the torture.
The worst part would be that we don't
get breaks to talk about the torture.
I think that's what would make it hell.
Like if they would blow a whistle
every 20 minutes.
And we all just gather in a common
area, drink boiling water.
Just like,
"What are they doing to you?"
I'll say, "Oh, yeah. I'm in a room
with millions of little crabs.
It's like tiny little crabs
and they're eating me real slow."
"Oh, yeah. With their little nibbles?"
"Yeah. Yeah. The little nibbles."
"What are they doing to you?"
"Oh, I'm getting fucked by a donkey."
Yeah.
They're running out of ideas down here.
It's been a while.
We're falling in love.
I think... I think that
might be my heaven.
Like suffering then talking about it,
suffering then talking about it.
Like what we're doing here.
You know what I'm saying?
What if the last words of the Bible
where you had to be there? What if.
Yeah, to the end, it really would've
made more sense if you saw this.
One of my career goals is to open
a Christian buffet called,
"God helps those that help themselves."
Oh, let's do that.
This is something I wanna do.
On the count of three,
don't say anything.
Don't say anything.
But just check if you have to pee.
All of us are gonna do it.
At the same time, we're all gonna
check. Don't say anything.
Three, two, one.
Check if you have to pee.
What was that?
I'm serious. What did you just do?
Let's just do it again, especially if
you didn't do it the first time.
Three, two, one. Check if
you have to pee. What.
What action did you just command?
You're like, "Okay, go down."
"Send something down."
Like most of the time you're up here.
Who you are is behind your eyes and you
just sort of puppeteer your body.
You just kind of dangling down there
like a marionette. You're like,
"Get that diet coke. Send the arm."
"Give it to us."
But every time you check if you have to
pee, you send a little piece of you
rappelling down
on a reconnaissance mission
to your dick or your pussy
and you're just like...
Thirty percent, I'd say like,
twenty more minutes.
I'm so tired of not talking about this.
Your brain is weird.
Your brain has eyes like you have eyes.
But your brain also has eyes that see
things that only you can see.
Like picture an orange, keep your eyes
open but picture an orange, the fuck.
Like really do it. Keep 'em open
but think really hard about an orange.
What the shit.
Just for a second.
Just a giant orange. I don't know how
big yours was. Mine was giant.
She's a giant translucent orange
that only you can see.
God, I hope you're stoned.
God, I hope you're stoned.
But why do you have to be stoned for
this to be interesting?
Like your brain has ears.
Seriously, it has ears. You have ears.
Your brain also has ears.
Sing a happy birthday in your head.
We'll all do it.
Everybody sing happy birthday
in your head right now.
How are you hearing that?
I'm serious. What the fuck is going
on? It's so normal. We're just like,
"Yeah. I could hear it. No one else
could hear it. I can hear it."
This is a part of you listening like,
"Yeah. Happy birthday."
What's going on? Make it louder.
Let's sing it again
but make it as loud as you
possibly can. Ready? Go.
Was it louder?
Clap if you think it was louder.
Clap if it wasn't louder, the voice was
just going... "Happy birth..."
Okay. So you can't make it louder?
There's just a set volume
for your thoughts?
How do you know your set volume
is the same as my set volume?
Maybe to some people, it's louder.
Maybe that's what crazy people are.
They're not crazy
but they just have a fucked up volume.
They're walking around and then just
like, "Buy a hammer." "All right!"
"Kill that pigeon. It's your dad."
"Okay."
"With the hammer?" "Yes."
I was having a lunch
with a friend of mine. He's black.
I'll tell you his black for a reason.
He kept saying the N word.
He said it like, 30 times.
He didn't say the word.
He kept saying "The N word."
I was like, "Yeah. Hey,
that's our phrase."
Some of you are sitting
that one out. I can see that.
There's a pheromone
white people release
when they're not sure if they can
laugh at a joke. They're like,
"I heard the words necessary to make
a racist joke, gonna take a pause."
"We'll laugh in the Audi,
it'll be fine. It'll be fine."
I think it's interesting though,
it's 2018, there's still some racists.
It's totally fine to be racist towards.
I didn't mean like, hate speech.
I mean casual, socially acceptable
racism. Like towards Italians.
Why is that okay?
You all know what I'm talking about.
I can be with my Italian friends,
it's totally fine for me to be like,
"You wanna go to a pizza pie?"
What the fuck?
Why is that okay?
"Oh, linguini with clams."
I know a lot of you are Italian,
I'm not Italian.
No one's gonna tweet about this.
This is not a controversy, it's fine.
It's in our video games.
"It's a me, Mario."
It's a me?
It's a me, just an impression of an
immigrant struggling with the language.
"I'mma Luigi, I'mma gonna win ah."
Don't tease him, he's new here.
Help him find the bus,
help him find work.
Why is that okay?
It's, like, a weird blind spot.
You can't say horrow.
I agree, why is it fine to be, like,
"Ah, Giuseppi." Like, it's crazy.
They'll make a madman type show about
this time that we're in now.
We're all gonna watch and be, like,
"Things we're different." It's now.
Things are different now. We're living
through a weird fucking time right now.
Enjoy it three more years.
We are living in the future...
Now we are, now. Now.
Now it is future.
Now. Now is the future.
Now.
You know what I think it's fucking
crazy about living now?
Elon Musk, you know,
the crazy billionaire dude?
Invented the self-driving car?
It's crazy. This isn't something
they're working on, they made it.
They have a self-driving car now.
What I think is funny about that?
It doesn't matter how fancy an
invention Elon Musk makes,
he's still just one of these.
Does that make sense? He's stuck in
one of these meat puppets?
Just like you and me,
just like a baboon. He's just a guy,
just going around. There's some things
you can't upgrade, is my point.
He's working on impossible math to make
a self-driving car
but when he gets hungry
there's no technology.
He just goes, "There's a rumble
in my jumble." Like, he just feels...
Just like you and me, he just goes,
"No, I've got to eat."
Then he gets a plate.
That's the height of technology.
A plate,
just a level surface for his food,
with a piece of salmon on it
and he wants that salmon in him
but it's too big.
So he gets a fork and a knife,
that's the height of the technology,
he cuts it into a mouth-size piece,
and he goes "That's about right."
It's too hot so he goes...
He can't upgrade this, he just had to
go, "Now wind activate."
And he puts it in his mouth
and gnaws it...
He swallows it like a fucking pelican
because that's the best he can do.
You understand? He can't upgrade this.
When has to shit, he doesn't have
a contact lens that goes, like,
"Elon, shit detected."
He just feels it, like you and me,
he just goes, that's not gas.
I feel shame.
I feel shame and I wanna be alone.
So he makes an excuse
with his egghead friends, he's, like,
"I have to make a phone call."
But no, he doesn't.
He has to go in a little room and squat
on a bowl that's filled with water.
That's the best we can do.
That is the height of the technology.
It's a bowl filled with water and he
squats like an ostrich in the Serengeti
and he bears down, he goes,
"Elon push.
Don't you back away from me right now."
This is what he fucking does. He pushes
and he hears a plop, plop, plop,
and that's how he knows
progress is being made.
And then when he thinks he's done
and he's not always right...
When he thinks he's done, he gets
paper, that's the best we have,
paper from Ancient Egypt.
And he wipes his shitty ass
and then he looks at it.
So you fucking pull away from me.
Everyone here knows there's no better
method than the wipe and the look.
The old wipe and look.
He goes wipe, wipe, wipe,
and then he goes, "Whoa,
I got some work ahead of me."
He goes wipe, wipe, wipe,
getting there.
Wipe, wipe, wipe,
clean but I don't trust it.
Wipe, wipe, wipe, "Whoa, good thing
I didn't stop while I was ahead."
And then he gets to what he considers
an Elon level of clean.
He washes his hands, gets in his car
and goes, po-poop! "Home."
Crazy.
All porn happened in the past.
Like, I know there's cams and stuff
but for the most part it was earlier.
Like, we're ahead of them.
Like, we're now, and they're then.
They're, like, back then.
We know shit they don't know.
They're back then, like...
"Oh, what if Hillary is gonna win?"
Like, they don't know.
"When's the McRib coming back?"
They're in the dark.
We're the dumdums that are home,
just going, it's now in my mind.
But I'm off porn. I go off and on,
it's hard, it's addictive
but I knew I had to go off because the
last time I was watching... using it,
I don't know what you say.
Was watching it, I was mastur...
I was masturbating,
It'd be weird if I was just like "Aha."
I was masturbating and went...
I'm sorry.
And when I was finishing...
I didn't give the order to say anything
but I involuntarily... while I was
coming, I went, "Oh, not worth it."
Because it wasn't. It wasn't worth it.
That dirty feeling I had to carry
around with me the rest of the day?
I had to go to the post office.
There's kids and old women there,
I have to be like,
"I'm not a monster", like I had to.
I have to be off porn though because
it's the acting.
One of the things that really ruins it
for me is the acting.
I don't even mean the acting before
the sex, where they're, like,
"I have a pizza for Misty."
Like, not that.
I'm talking about the acting during
the sex. For the most part it's normal
but every once in a while you come
across someone that's overdoing it.
The last one I saw, this is an accurate
impression. I'll send you the link.
So woman was going nuts.
So regular sexing, just normal stuff,
and she was going...
She's going...
"Fuck that pussy."
I'm not even exaggerating.
"Fuck that pussy."
Like, in the scene before,
she was normal, she's, like, "Hello."
And then when the sex...
Like, what are you doing?
Have you had sex before?
This isn't an exorcism.
People are trying to masturbate.
There's no script, we let you improvise
and this is what you come in with?
Did she rehearse that?
In her trailer in front of the mirror
before just, like, "I'll be right out."
Seems racist.
"Fuck that pussy."
Nope, nope, not quite right.
"Fuck that pussy."
I'm ready!
Portland.
Thank you so, so, so, much.
Best crowd I've had in a long time.
I mean that. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you guys. Keep it crispy.
Be good. Good night.
Hello, everybody, how's it going?
Thank you so much. Sit down.
Have a seat. Thank you.
Pete.
Thank you very, very much.
Thank you, guys. Look at you.
We're here.
You... Yeah.
You made it. I'm proud of you.
We're doing something.
I mean it.
This is sincere, you left the house?
That's no small feat.
You know how hard it is to leave...
I think you do.
It's fucking hard to leave the house.
You should be proud, you left that...
What's in the house?
Fucking everything?
Fucking everything is in the house.
All your food, all your little snacks.
The long chair you call a couch.
Oh, so comfy.
Climate control.
You can close the door,
there's that click.
You know, that click, get a nice seal
on your perimeter.
It's a good feeling, you close the door
and your lizard brain hears the click,
it's like, "Let's remain here."
Stay here forever.
Not you guys are like, "Fuck it.
We're going into the dark night."
Yeah!
We'll find parking, we'll make it work.
You're like Dora the Goddamn Explorers.
I'm impressed.
I'm honored. What did you pass up
in your homes?
Any movie?
You guys said no to any movie.
To come to this.
To roll the dice on live entertainment.
Yeah, sure.
I agree.
And it could go either way.
So glad.
What I was about to say,
"I'm so glad this is going well."
I know. It's weird.
We all wanted
to be good, you know what I mean?
We're all in the same boat. I'm being
filmed, you're being filmed, too.
Some of you were like,
and there's...
There's a camera right next to you,
you're like, "How do I laugh normal?"
Oh, no!
Don't be nervous. It's gonna be fine.
I dressed up.
This is dressed up for me.
Some comedians wear suits for their
specials, this is a suit for me.
A hard pant... I don't wanna be wearing
these hard pants.
What the fuck am I doing
in these hard non-giving pants?
All day before I changed for the show,
I was head-to-toe lululemon.
It's true.
All day, I was rocking the dream,
I was wearing head-to-toe lululemon.
If you don't know what lululemon is,
you're a good person.
lululemon is high-end yoga wear for
assholes who don't do yoga.
And I am one of them.
I am one of those assholes.
I like it. I love it.
My guy friends give me shit.
They tease me for wearing Lulu.
They're like, "There's a men section?"
I'm like, "Yes. You gotta look for it."
It moves around. You can find it.
I like it. They think women don't like
a guy in a Lulu. I disagree.
Women like a guy in a Lulu because if
I go up to a woman wearing lululemon,
it does all the work for me.
Before even say anything,
it nonverbally transmits just, "Hey,
relax."
"Nothing bad is about
to happen to you."
No one has ever gone up to a cop like,
"He went that way!
He's wearing lululemon!"
"Go now! He's fast and nimble!
He can move and bend in ways
your uniform does not allow!"
It never happened.
Mike Pence looks like a clear
gummy bear, is that...
Is that anything?
He looks like a clear gummy bear that
kind of got his shit together.
You know what I mean?
He bought a suit, like a human suit.
He learned how to tie a tie with
his unformed gummy hands.
He rehearsed in the mirror
at home like, "Hello."
"Hello, Mr. President."
Look at him go!
My fucking pina colada gummy bear
got all the way to Oval Office.
It's like he's a bad guy,
but that's impressive for a candy.
"Please don't leave me in a hot car."
Mike Pence said he doesn't wanna be
left in the room alone
with a woman that's not his wife,
I don't think that's sexual.
I think he's too delicious.
If you laughed at that,
you're gonna love this show.
You picked the right night.
You picked the right night.
My wife and I, this is exciting,
we just had a baby, so we...
Thank you very much.
I'm so glad that you guys
are baby positive.
The baby's only about a month old.
But when I started doing sets...
I know, it's crazy, she just got here.
Where was she?
I was sleeping next to my wife and
consciousness flipped on in her belly,
just bink, it's here now.
And it's my responsibility.
That's insane.
But then you guys are positive.
I've been talking about the baby on
stage right when she was born,
I was like, "We just had a baby."
Somebody in the audience said,
"Yeah. Your life's over."
"Bye-bye, life."
"Bye-bye, life. Your life, that's over.
Your life is over."
And I was like,
"Yeah, I don't fucking care."
I had a good run. I had 39
uninterrupted years of just like,
"You guys eaten cheese?"
Like, let's fucking...
Mix this up.
I can't be 40, "I'm really looking
forward to the new Joker movie."
Let's get some new people in here.
It's not that bad. People all warn you
that you don't sleep.
You sleep, you just sleep different.
You sleep in bursts. Sleep for, like,
three hours and you're up for an hour,
sleep for two hours
and you're up for an hour. It's fine.
Because the best part of sleep
is falling asleep.
It's the only part you're there for.
It's the only part you're there for.
The rest is just a coma.
When you say you love sleep, you mean
that moment where you're waiting like,
"Oh, here we go." Like that?
That's what you mean when you cascade
into the caramel waterfall
and it's a surprise every time,
like, "Oh, it's got me!"
Where you're the spoonful of sugar
and you get swirled into the glass of
ice tea that is slumber, you're like,
"I'm going away!"
That is the best part of sleep.
It's the only good part of sleep.
And because I have a baby now,
I get to do this 22 times a night.
It's the best.
I was getting up to pee anyway.
It's funny when you go to the hospital,
you have the baby, they give you one.
They give you your baby.
I knew it was my baby. My baby looks
so much like me, it feels impolite.
Like it's not supposed to be,
it came out. It was embarrassing.
I was like, "Oh, shit. It's me."
Like, that's not...
It's like my genes are assholes.
They're bully genes.
They got in the mix and my genes were
just like, "We don't want to jell!"
"This guy's nose. This guy's lips.
This guy's labia."
It's my baby.
It's embarrassing.
You're supposed to go 50/50 with
your wife, to puff puff pass the baby.
And I bogarted the baby.
They gave me the baby and I was like,
"Face match ID, a hundred percent."
Before you leave the hospital, they say
the same thing. The parents will know.
They all give you the same advice every
single nurse, there's like 20 nurses.
They all told us, they go,
"Hey, never shake a baby."
Over and over. Another nurse, really.
Really.
"Hey, listen up. Don't shake a baby."
There's posters that say,
"Never ever shake a baby."
Val and I were like, "What the fuck?
Who would shake a baby,
we're in love with this little baby?"
What they don't tell you
is you're gonna wanna shake that baby.
Oh, you're gonna wanna shake
the shit out of that baby.
You are gonna be tempted as fuck to
shake like a goddamn Etch A Sketch,
or a hysterical woman in an office
in the '60s, "Goddamn it, Diane!"
But you want to shake the baby.
I wish I knew.
It's not like it's out of nowhere.
It's not like you're having a quiet
night at home, the baby's in the crib
and you're like, "Oh, I got an idea."
It's not that. They tell you
when the baby cries, rock the baby.
They tell you, swing the baby.
This is code
for kind of shake your baby.
The baby starts crying a little bit,
you shake it a bit, and it works.
And it starts crying a lot, turned
bright red, screaming in your face,
and you're like, "What?"
It stands to reason.
You want to.
The logic tracks but you can't, because
you know... Sure some of you know.
You know what happens, what the disease
is called if you shake a baby?
Shaken... Yes.
Shaken baby syndrome.
It's the name of the disease.
It might as well be called Dad Lost It.
The disease includes what happened.
It's like a shame disease.
It's like a scarlet letter name
for disease.
It's made to dissuade you from doing it
because you can't be casual.
You can be casual about other diseases.
"Yeah, I got to go home. My baby's got
a little bit of jaundice.
It's not a big deal. She's just working
through some jaundice."
You can't be like,
you got to go home.
"My baby has got
Shaken baby syndrome."
"Yeah, I don't know what happened."
"It's going around, just going around.
She caught it. It's in the air.
It's in the air." Everyone knows some
shit went down. There's no excuse.
You can't be like,
"Yeah, we went off-roading,
I told her to buckle up, she's a little
Guy Fieri. She doesn't give a fuck."
She got tossed and tussled.
She's fucked up now, I know, yeah.
I put her on my cell phone,
it was on vibrate, got a few calls.
She's different now.
I haven't... I've never shaken
the baby. You don't shake the baby.
You want to.
I wish someone told me.
I'm like, "Am I a monster?"
"No, it's everybody."
I love having a baby, Baby Lilo.
I love her. She's amazing.
And it's not that hard, getting a
dog... I never had a dog my whole life.
Getting a dog, honestly, was more
confusing than getting a baby.
We got a baby.
Honestly, getting a dog was different
because it's a fucking dog,
it's not even your species.
It's just a wild animal.
You're like, "You wanna be in here?"
Hey, you, you eating the pigeon bones,
you wanna be in here?
When your baby cries, it's a human.
I have a human baby.
When it cries, you have a guess.
You're like, "It's probably hungry.
It's hot, it's cold, has gas."
These are the problems that I have.
So you're like, "I got it."
I have no idea what my dog wants.
My best guess,
never-ending eye contact.
I'm trying to watch Great British Bake
Off, he's down there like, "Hey, dad."
Over here.
"What the fuck do you want?"
I don't know what he wants.
I was raised with cats
and you can kind of tell.
You can kind of tell
I was raised with cats.
It's the worst hackle you could give me
is laughing at that.
You can tell I was raised with cats.
The command I most often give my dog
is, "Go live your life."
I don't know what he wants.
They're needy. I just didn't know
how needy a dog is.
I've been out of the house for two
days. If my dog had a cell phone,
I'd have 4,022 missed calls,
4,022 texts of the bone emoji
and the walk emoji.
He'd be FaceTiming me
right now just like,
"Look at these baby browns, dad.
Look at these goddamn baby browns."
You look for your cat,
you hide from your dog.
Does that makes sense?
You don't know what your cat is. Like,
people say cats are evil and they are.
But they're also all set.
You know what I mean? They're fine.
They're out learning to fucking
meditate or some shit.
They're rolling their own cigarettes.
When I left the house with my dog, I
toss a tuna steak and do a barrel roll
out the window, just so he wouldn't be
like, "Is this forever?"
But if you have a cat
and you see your cat, you're excited.
It's like a B-list celebrity sighting.
It's like seeing John Stamos napping
in a sunbeam in your kitchen.
Like, "Oh, my God. We have a cat?"
Scoop it up. "I knew I wasn't crazy."
You take pictures with the cat,
selfies with cat, prove you have a cat.
Put the cat down, he's like,
"Don't tag me. Don't tag me."
I'm being real with you.
I don't know how smart animals are.
I know they have different levels. They
have different levels of smartness.
Like my neighbor, he has two dogs.
He was telling me that he has a big dog
and he has a little dog.
When he goes out of town,
he has to tape newspaper
to the reflective glass of his
fireplace. Otherwise... listen to this,
the little dog will see his reflection
and think there's a second little dog
stuck in the place that he's only
ever seen burst into flames.
So he's just like, "Hey.
Hey, hey, hey.
I ain't going nowhere, brother."
Because he's a goddamn hero.
But when my neighbor told me his little
dog doesn't understand reflections,
all I heard was, the big dog does?
I'm a human being,
I don't understand reflections.
You're telling me a slightly larger dog
is like,
"I get it."
"That ain't me. I'm me.
That looks like me.
I know what I look like,
but that's a trick of the eye.
Life, it's a mystery."
"It's a particle and a wave.
It's both. Some of the particles
go through the glass,
that's why we can see what's
illuminated inside the fireplace.
But then a rather arbitrary amount
bounce back and frame me in light.
I love science."
"I love science.
I love it. I love science
and licking my own asshole."
I got married this year, big year,
baby and marry.
Thank you.
Sweet Lady Val. I'm glad you guys are
pro-baby. I'm glad you're pro-marriage.
A lot of my friends in LA,
anti-marriage, showbiz town,
nobody gets married. I've noticed that
the same group, though,
that is anti-marriage,
they're all pro-tattoo.
It's the same group. They'd come up
to me and they're just like,
"I don't know, man."
"I don't know how you can make
a commitment of that magnitude."
I'm like, "You have the word 'sublime'
on your neck."
"Every job interview you go on,
they'll be looking at that old English
sublime and they're gonna be thinking,
'Oh, caress me down." Like that...
That's a commitment.
My wife is amazing. She's smart.
She's funny. She's my best friend.
She's got big old titties. So, yeah.
She loves this joke. Don't worry.
She loves this joke.
You got big old titties
and I wanna talk about it.
I'm tired of not talking about it.
My wife has big boobs. You know why?
Because I don't give up on my goddamn
childhood dreams.
I'm not a quitter.
Eight-year-old me
fucking loves me.
When I was 8, I wanted a girlfriend
with big boobs and a racecar bed
and I am halfway there.
Big boobs are interesting. I feel for
her because she can't really hide them.
She can cover them up,
but everybody knows.
They're there. It's like throwing
a tarp over a porch of a house.
No one looks at it like, "Look at that
house, it doesn't have a porch."
You can still see the shape
and the side, you're like,
"That house has some big ass porches."
You know.
I feel bad, like,
you can hide a big old dick.
No one has to know.
You can send it down one leg,
you can curl it up like a Cinnabon.
It's a reveal. On the big night,
it's a reveal. You're like, "Yeah."
"That's why I'm so confident."
With big boobs, everyone can tell.
Everyone can tell
which can be awkward sometimes.
Like she had to meet my parents.
What do you do?
You just have to own it.
You're like, "Mom, dad, as you can see,
this is what your son is into."
Mom, you remember.
It's weird whenever you meet
somebody's significant other.
It's a little too much info.
You know what I'm talking about?
Especially if you don't know them
and they're just like, "This is Tina."
Like, I don't wanna see that shit,
the manifestation of the recesses of
your sexual subconscious.
You're just like, "Yeah. This is what
makes me rock hard."
"Fucking beat it, Dan. We're in a
Chipotle. Keep that shit to yourself."
I'm like, "What did Val's parents do
to her that this is what she wants?"
That she wants this ogre
Lithuanian that's like,
"What's going on, you guys?"
We got engaged, some of you might know
this story, in a hot air balloon
because I'm not fucking around.
She mentioned when we were dating
always wanted to go in a balloon.
I wrote it down, and four years later
I was like, "It's time to get married.
I wanna get married.
Let's go hot air balloon." She knew.
She knew what was up. It wasn't a
surprise. She knew I was gonna propose.
You can't just roll up to
a hot air balloon
wearing your one sport coat.
She's like,
"We've been dating for four years.
Would you like to hover in a basket
for no reason?"
"Would you like to be adrift airborne
for no reason whatsoever?"
She knew. She's not a dummy.
In fact, if she had been surprised,
I might have called it off.
But I didn't think it through.
The basket's fucking tiny,
it's the size of four pizza boxes.
So when I got in,
it's already pretty much full.
And then I was like, "This will be
fine, Val. It'll be a romantic day."
What I didn't consider is
there's another...
there's another fucking guy.
Of course, there's another guy
to fly the balloon,
and he gets in,
and he's right here.
I can feel the tickle of the stranger's
whiskers, just like...
I can feel the heat of his breath,
and he was like a man's man.
He's like a Ben Affleck character.
Wearing a Carhartt jacket with scuffs
on and he's just watching me...
He was kind of ruining the day.
He kept calling everything gay.
I know. Biggest day of my life,
he's up there just like,
"That's Janet Jackson's ranch
down there. Fucking gay."
"I used to work at that deli.
They fired me. Huh, fucking gay."
I was like, "Sir,
you pilot a balloon."
"You pilot a rainbow-colored balloon
soaring majestic over the Wine Country
of Santa Barbara,
maybe cool it on the gaze."
But it was enough. It was enough to
shake me. He's right here.
I was planning to be very flowery, like
"Val, since I first saw you, I knew..."
"You are like the sun, and the moon,
and the sky," but I get this fucking...
"You gonna do it?"
So I got nervous. This is a hundred
percent real, I took the ring out,
Val acted surprised, nice girl.
But I froze up, I just went, "Val."
"I would be honored
to call you my wife."
That's all I said.
I blew it. I didn't propose.
You're supposed to propose.
You're supposed to say, "Will you marry
me?" I just went, "It would be great."
"Let's get the law involved."
I didn't give her anything
to respond to.
It's like we were playing tennis,
but she didn't have a racket.
But she's good. She said yes
even though I didn't say anything.
She went, "Yeah, put the ring on."
I wonder what fucking Affleck's
gonna say.
I don't want him to judge me.
I don't want him to be like,
"Man marrying a woman?
That's fucking gay."
That's not what he said. This is 100%
real. It's dead quiet in the balloon.
I just proposed, she said... Yeah,
I didn't propose, but she said, yes.
What's the guy gonna say? He does
two celebratory toots of the flame.
This is a 100% real, he goes,
"Lot of girls up here, they say no."
As if that wasn't bad enough,
then he adds,
"One girl said yes in the basket,
when we landed said no."
"Clever girl."
Clever girl?
Don't Jurassic Park
my engagement story.
Did you know the movie "Three Amigos"
was released in Spanish
speaking-countries as Tres Friends?
What else can I tell you? I'm older.
I like traffic.
I'm being real with you,
I don't mind traffic.
I'm not just doing material that fits
my friendly face.
You can imagine being in traffic
and just looking at me and I'm like.
But I mean it, I don't mind traffic,
is this a traffic city?
- Yes.
- Who cares?
What's the big deal?
Just sit there.
Nothing is being asked of you.
Just fucking remain.
Surrender.
Surrender and remain.
I know I'm in the minority.
I always look to my left,
there's always a guy in a white BMW
that's like, "God fucking traffic."
A vein in his neck like a white
chocolate Snickers bar.
Like, where are you going?
Seriously, where are you headed,
you stupid bitch?
Where are you going?
Seriously, what is so important?
You're like, "I'll be happy
when I'm at work."
Be happy now. Enjoy everything.
Really, that's why I don't use Waze.
You guys know what Waze is?
Waze is the app that uses crowdsource
info to get you around traffic.
I know a lot of you probably like Waze.
Does anybody here hate Waze?
Fuck Waze.
I only need a few of you. Fuck Waze.
Listen to me,
it's not the way of the soul.
It's all head, it's no heart.
Do you know what I mean?
It just sucks you in and you're like,
"Traffic? Ha, we'll see about that."
"Right, left, right, left, left, left,
left, right, right, left, right, left."
"I'm a special boy."
Just fucking give up, you stupid bitch,
give up.
I don't need to save five minutes
careening through gated communities.
We don't belong on those roads.
Apple Orchard Lane? Get out of there.
And even if you like it, I think we can
agree there should be a medium setting.
Why am I thinking of this?
I'm not an app developer.
There should be a medium,
there's no medium.
It's either off or Indiana Jones,
that's all you got.
It's either radio silence or it thinks
you rush a kidney to the Obama family.
But I say fuck it.
I mean this. Give up.
Surrender.
Just get on the freeway with the rest
of us.
Long, slow, straight, good.
Tune out, listen to music.
Why are you so afraid of being alone?
Just be with yourself. Call an old
friend, keep a friendship alive,
listen to a podcast.
My friends all get there,
I feel you pulling away...
My friends all use Waze. They get to
the office five minutes before me.
You can tell they use Waze
because they're white as a sheet.
Their eyes are bugging out of their
head for making those suicide lefts
on to five oncoming lanes of traffic.
They're just like...
"This is a shortcut."
You can be five minutes early, I'll be
ten minutes late and tell everyone
what I learned on this American life.
That's a better way. It's a better way.
What I'm saying is enjoy everything,
this is all we have,
or maybe it's not, I don't know.
I won't make fun of your answers.
Does anybody here...
Clap if you believe in an afterlife.
Clap if you don't believe in it
but you're open to it.
You don't think there's evidence,
but you're open to it.
Anybody, reincarnation?
Reincarnation?
And who thinks it's just dead over,
you just unplug the TV, boom?
I think you're all right.
I think those are all correct answers.
What I think is funny about it, though,
is all my friends think it's dead over.
They just think you unplug the TV
and it's lights out.
They all say the same thing to me,
they're like, "Pete, think about it."
"Afterlife makes no sense.
Makes no sense, an afterlife."
"You think an afterlife makes sense?
You got to think about that again
because an afterlife..."
"Afterlife makes no sense."
And I was like,
"Yeah, I agree with you.
You know what else makes no sense?
Fucking this."
"Life makes no fucking sense."
So I would argue that
life sets a precedent
for potentially more shit that makes no
sense." Does that make sense?
But my friends...
Why not?
But my friends are all, like,
"No, man, there's this bullshit
that we all woke up in that's confusing
that none of us asked for."
"And then no more bullshits."
"It's a one-time bullshit deal."
What? Nothing makes fucking sense.
Life makes no sense.
You're on a planet right now.
You think you're in America? Zoom out.
You're on a space rock floating
in nothingness, infinite nothingness.
And the infinite nothingness
is expanding.
That means endlessness
is getting bigger.
That makes no fucking sense.
We all just act like it's normal, like,
"Everything's made of molecules."
"Okay."
"Got it.
I'll never think about that again."
I'm made of molecules, you're made of
molecules. The air between us, too.
That makes no fucking sense. These
molecules know they're molecules?
These molecules are like, "I'm Pete."
That doesn't make any sense.
This stool is made of molecules,
the same molecules in my hand.
Some of the molecules in this stool
went into me while I've been talking.
And some that were me
have gone into this stool.
And when I knock these molecules into
these molecules, when we ask Science,
"Why don't they go through each
other?" You know what the answer is?
We don't know.
That doesn't make any fucking sense.
I'm open to anything.
If I died... Listen to me,
if I died and it was just kitty cat
Thanksgiving, I'd be like, "Yeah. OK."
"Makes about as much sense as the
fucking conundrum I was just stuck in."
"Pass the gravy."
I'm not saying it's for sure.
I'm just saying it's worth debating.
It makes me wonder like, I wonder
as a thought experiment
if we were somewhere before we were
here, if we were just mist,
each of you didn't have a body, we're
just mist. You were just awareness.
If we were all just hanging out
in some sort of primordial area,
just debating the existence of life.
He's like, "You believe in life?"
"Get real!"
"You think there's hotdogs
and roller skates?" "You're a child."
"Didn't you go to college?"
Don't get me wrong, nothing is
absolutely one of the choices.
I see that for sure. And I'm not afraid
of nothing. I'm not afraid of nothing.
Who fucking cares? It's nothing.
If you're nothing, but you're like,
"I don't wanna be nothing,"
you won't be there.
Just jump off the high dive into soft,
dark soil and you're like, "Bye, Pete."
Like, "Fine."
"I just don't wanna go to hell."
There's no hell.
Be reasonable.
There's no fucking hell.
Don't wanna be wrong about that one.
If there is a hell, I don't think
the worst part will be the torture.
The worst part would be that we don't
get breaks to talk about the torture.
I think that's what would make it hell.
Like if they would blow a whistle
every 20 minutes.
And we all just gather in a common
area, drink boiling water.
Just like,
"What are they doing to you?"
I'll say, "Oh, yeah. I'm in a room
with millions of little crabs.
It's like tiny little crabs
and they're eating me real slow."
"Oh, yeah. With their little nibbles?"
"Yeah. Yeah. The little nibbles."
"What are they doing to you?"
"Oh, I'm getting fucked by a donkey."
Yeah.
They're running out of ideas down here.
It's been a while.
We're falling in love.
I think... I think that
might be my heaven.
Like suffering then talking about it,
suffering then talking about it.
Like what we're doing here.
You know what I'm saying?
What if the last words of the Bible
where you had to be there? What if.
Yeah, to the end, it really would've
made more sense if you saw this.
One of my career goals is to open
a Christian buffet called,
"God helps those that help themselves."
Oh, let's do that.
This is something I wanna do.
On the count of three,
don't say anything.
Don't say anything.
But just check if you have to pee.
All of us are gonna do it.
At the same time, we're all gonna
check. Don't say anything.
Three, two, one.
Check if you have to pee.
What was that?
I'm serious. What did you just do?
Let's just do it again, especially if
you didn't do it the first time.
Three, two, one. Check if
you have to pee. What.
What action did you just command?
You're like, "Okay, go down."
"Send something down."
Like most of the time you're up here.
Who you are is behind your eyes and you
just sort of puppeteer your body.
You just kind of dangling down there
like a marionette. You're like,
"Get that diet coke. Send the arm."
"Give it to us."
But every time you check if you have to
pee, you send a little piece of you
rappelling down
on a reconnaissance mission
to your dick or your pussy
and you're just like...
Thirty percent, I'd say like,
twenty more minutes.
I'm so tired of not talking about this.
Your brain is weird.
Your brain has eyes like you have eyes.
But your brain also has eyes that see
things that only you can see.
Like picture an orange, keep your eyes
open but picture an orange, the fuck.
Like really do it. Keep 'em open
but think really hard about an orange.
What the shit.
Just for a second.
Just a giant orange. I don't know how
big yours was. Mine was giant.
She's a giant translucent orange
that only you can see.
God, I hope you're stoned.
God, I hope you're stoned.
But why do you have to be stoned for
this to be interesting?
Like your brain has ears.
Seriously, it has ears. You have ears.
Your brain also has ears.
Sing a happy birthday in your head.
We'll all do it.
Everybody sing happy birthday
in your head right now.
How are you hearing that?
I'm serious. What the fuck is going
on? It's so normal. We're just like,
"Yeah. I could hear it. No one else
could hear it. I can hear it."
This is a part of you listening like,
"Yeah. Happy birthday."
What's going on? Make it louder.
Let's sing it again
but make it as loud as you
possibly can. Ready? Go.
Was it louder?
Clap if you think it was louder.
Clap if it wasn't louder, the voice was
just going... "Happy birth..."
Okay. So you can't make it louder?
There's just a set volume
for your thoughts?
How do you know your set volume
is the same as my set volume?
Maybe to some people, it's louder.
Maybe that's what crazy people are.
They're not crazy
but they just have a fucked up volume.
They're walking around and then just
like, "Buy a hammer." "All right!"
"Kill that pigeon. It's your dad."
"Okay."
"With the hammer?" "Yes."
I was having a lunch
with a friend of mine. He's black.
I'll tell you his black for a reason.
He kept saying the N word.
He said it like, 30 times.
He didn't say the word.
He kept saying "The N word."
I was like, "Yeah. Hey,
that's our phrase."
Some of you are sitting
that one out. I can see that.
There's a pheromone
white people release
when they're not sure if they can
laugh at a joke. They're like,
"I heard the words necessary to make
a racist joke, gonna take a pause."
"We'll laugh in the Audi,
it'll be fine. It'll be fine."
I think it's interesting though,
it's 2018, there's still some racists.
It's totally fine to be racist towards.
I didn't mean like, hate speech.
I mean casual, socially acceptable
racism. Like towards Italians.
Why is that okay?
You all know what I'm talking about.
I can be with my Italian friends,
it's totally fine for me to be like,
"You wanna go to a pizza pie?"
What the fuck?
Why is that okay?
"Oh, linguini with clams."
I know a lot of you are Italian,
I'm not Italian.
No one's gonna tweet about this.
This is not a controversy, it's fine.
It's in our video games.
"It's a me, Mario."
It's a me?
It's a me, just an impression of an
immigrant struggling with the language.
"I'mma Luigi, I'mma gonna win ah."
Don't tease him, he's new here.
Help him find the bus,
help him find work.
Why is that okay?
It's, like, a weird blind spot.
You can't say horrow.
I agree, why is it fine to be, like,
"Ah, Giuseppi." Like, it's crazy.
They'll make a madman type show about
this time that we're in now.
We're all gonna watch and be, like,
"Things we're different." It's now.
Things are different now. We're living
through a weird fucking time right now.
Enjoy it three more years.
We are living in the future...
Now we are, now. Now.
Now it is future.
Now. Now is the future.
Now.
You know what I think it's fucking
crazy about living now?
Elon Musk, you know,
the crazy billionaire dude?
Invented the self-driving car?
It's crazy. This isn't something
they're working on, they made it.
They have a self-driving car now.
What I think is funny about that?
It doesn't matter how fancy an
invention Elon Musk makes,
he's still just one of these.
Does that make sense? He's stuck in
one of these meat puppets?
Just like you and me,
just like a baboon. He's just a guy,
just going around. There's some things
you can't upgrade, is my point.
He's working on impossible math to make
a self-driving car
but when he gets hungry
there's no technology.
He just goes, "There's a rumble
in my jumble." Like, he just feels...
Just like you and me, he just goes,
"No, I've got to eat."
Then he gets a plate.
That's the height of technology.
A plate,
just a level surface for his food,
with a piece of salmon on it
and he wants that salmon in him
but it's too big.
So he gets a fork and a knife,
that's the height of the technology,
he cuts it into a mouth-size piece,
and he goes "That's about right."
It's too hot so he goes...
He can't upgrade this, he just had to
go, "Now wind activate."
And he puts it in his mouth
and gnaws it...
He swallows it like a fucking pelican
because that's the best he can do.
You understand? He can't upgrade this.
When has to shit, he doesn't have
a contact lens that goes, like,
"Elon, shit detected."
He just feels it, like you and me,
he just goes, that's not gas.
I feel shame.
I feel shame and I wanna be alone.
So he makes an excuse
with his egghead friends, he's, like,
"I have to make a phone call."
But no, he doesn't.
He has to go in a little room and squat
on a bowl that's filled with water.
That's the best we can do.
That is the height of the technology.
It's a bowl filled with water and he
squats like an ostrich in the Serengeti
and he bears down, he goes,
"Elon push.
Don't you back away from me right now."
This is what he fucking does. He pushes
and he hears a plop, plop, plop,
and that's how he knows
progress is being made.
And then when he thinks he's done
and he's not always right...
When he thinks he's done, he gets
paper, that's the best we have,
paper from Ancient Egypt.
And he wipes his shitty ass
and then he looks at it.
So you fucking pull away from me.
Everyone here knows there's no better
method than the wipe and the look.
The old wipe and look.
He goes wipe, wipe, wipe,
and then he goes, "Whoa,
I got some work ahead of me."
He goes wipe, wipe, wipe,
getting there.
Wipe, wipe, wipe,
clean but I don't trust it.
Wipe, wipe, wipe, "Whoa, good thing
I didn't stop while I was ahead."
And then he gets to what he considers
an Elon level of clean.
He washes his hands, gets in his car
and goes, po-poop! "Home."
Crazy.
All porn happened in the past.
Like, I know there's cams and stuff
but for the most part it was earlier.
Like, we're ahead of them.
Like, we're now, and they're then.
They're, like, back then.
We know shit they don't know.
They're back then, like...
"Oh, what if Hillary is gonna win?"
Like, they don't know.
"When's the McRib coming back?"
They're in the dark.
We're the dumdums that are home,
just going, it's now in my mind.
But I'm off porn. I go off and on,
it's hard, it's addictive
but I knew I had to go off because the
last time I was watching... using it,
I don't know what you say.
Was watching it, I was mastur...
I was masturbating,
It'd be weird if I was just like "Aha."
I was masturbating and went...
I'm sorry.
And when I was finishing...
I didn't give the order to say anything
but I involuntarily... while I was
coming, I went, "Oh, not worth it."
Because it wasn't. It wasn't worth it.
That dirty feeling I had to carry
around with me the rest of the day?
I had to go to the post office.
There's kids and old women there,
I have to be like,
"I'm not a monster", like I had to.
I have to be off porn though because
it's the acting.
One of the things that really ruins it
for me is the acting.
I don't even mean the acting before
the sex, where they're, like,
"I have a pizza for Misty."
Like, not that.
I'm talking about the acting during
the sex. For the most part it's normal
but every once in a while you come
across someone that's overdoing it.
The last one I saw, this is an accurate
impression. I'll send you the link.
So woman was going nuts.
So regular sexing, just normal stuff,
and she was going...
She's going...
"Fuck that pussy."
I'm not even exaggerating.
"Fuck that pussy."
Like, in the scene before,
she was normal, she's, like, "Hello."
And then when the sex...
Like, what are you doing?
Have you had sex before?
This isn't an exorcism.
People are trying to masturbate.
There's no script, we let you improvise
and this is what you come in with?
Did she rehearse that?
In her trailer in front of the mirror
before just, like, "I'll be right out."
Seems racist.
"Fuck that pussy."
Nope, nope, not quite right.
"Fuck that pussy."
I'm ready!
Portland.
Thank you so, so, so, much.
Best crowd I've had in a long time.
I mean that. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you guys. Keep it crispy.
Be good. Good night.