Pet Shop (1994) - full transcript

An alien couple comes to Earth and open up a pet shop in an attempt to try and eat some of Earth's children for dinner. - stop by if you're interested in the nutritional composition of food
[wind rushing]

[bats squeaking]

[bright music]

- Hey Barney!
- Eh?

Got that turtle in yet?

Oh geeze, I'm sorry, Mike.

I forgot to order him again.

I'm forgetting a lot
of things these days.

Oh, look at that!


Don't forget to
make a wish, now!

What'd you wish for, Mike?

Just that turtle,
see you later, Barney.

Wish I could just retire.

[light music]

[birds chirping]

Hi, fellas, how are you?

Yeah, I know, you're
not exactly glad

to see old Barney, aren't ya?

Give Barney love.

You gotta behave yourselves now.

I know, you're
lonesome in there.

Well, I get lonesome
too, nobody ever cares

about me, do you?

Yeah, you do,
[mumbles], come on.

Come on, Scruffy, let's
get out of there, come on.

Good boy, good boy.

Come on, Gypsy,
let's go, come here.

Come on Gyps, let's
go, let's go, Gypsy.

Okay, you behave yourself now.

[light music]

[Announcer] It looks
like it's gonna be another

beautiful tomorrow
here at Cactus Flats.

They predict 102 degrees,
that's a half a degree higher

than today.
[dog barking].

Quiet you guys, I'm
listening to the radio.

[mumbles] raw steak.

You may wanna start watering
your calves, 'cause it's

gonna be a hot, hot...

I told you guys to
stay out of trouble.

You never listen to me.


[mysterious music]

[eerie humming]

What the?

[dog barking]


[eerie music]

Can I help you folks?

[spitting hisses]

Good evening, partner.

You must be the pet shop owner.

Yeah, that's me, but I'm closed.

Well, ain't that just a darn...


- We've come quite a...
- Distance, and to go back

- empty...
- Handed be a mighty big...


If there's anything in
particular you folks are after,

dog, cat, rat...

Tell you what, Barney.

[Mrs. Zimm] We'll take
it all off your hands.


[giddy chuckling]

[playful music]

♪ Oh give me a home
where the buffalo roam ♪

♪ And the deer and
the antelope play ♪

♪ Where seldom is heard
a discouraging word ♪

♪ And the skies are
not cloudy all day ♪

[eerie music]

I should have never
let you bought this car

from your Uncle Louie,
I'll tell you that.

As if this gray interior
ain't bad enough, huh?

I mean, the AC don't even work.

I'm not a fortune
teller, so who knew we were

moving to Cactus Flats?

Guess is where they send
all the loser families.

Can I smack her, ma?

All she does is complain.


At least I don't rat on
people, get kicked out of town.

[airy western music]

[Joe] Hey, I bet this place
ain't gonna be so bad, huh?

I bet there's a lot of
things to do around here.

[Both] Like what?

[Charlie] Where's
the restaurants?

[Vickie] Where's the kids?

[Charlie] Where's the girls?

[Marilyn] Look Joe, he's
turning, must be our street.

[Vickie] Charlie, look.

- Well, everything looks...
- The same.

[Joe] See what kind of
car we're gonna have to buy.

[western style music]

I don't believe it.

Oh my god!

[wind whistling]

Say it an't so, Dave.

Oh, this is it, folks.

Home sweet home.

So this is suburbia.

I think I'm gonna be ill.

'Scuse me, Dave.


I thought the whole point
of this witness protection

program was to make us
feel safe, not sick.

Well come on, Charlie.

A little yard work,
Marilyn's personal touch,

this place'll be fine.

So who's gonna do all this work?

You, Marshall?

'Cause my Joey's got a
bad back and Charlie?

He don't do no manual labor.

Not with the head he's got
on his shoulders, no way.

All right, well, I'll
tell you this much.

It's definitely
safer than Brooklyn.

[blasts firing]


Safe as a swallow's nest.

Uh, ma, could
you get off me now?

What, me?

I'm light as a feather.


[comical music]



Neck tie party.




Bowl cat.



Badges, we don't need
no stinking badges.

Cement pond.

There's nothing worse
than shiggle poop.


Stop that capering, stop
playing around up there.

Mr. Zimm sees you,
he'll have your hide.

This is Earth, you dingus,
they've got gravity here.

Now get down from there!

[vacuum whirring]

I said get down!


Get off, get off!

This is humor, Pwing, get off.

Get off!

Get off me, Pwing, don't...

Stop it, you think you're
very funny, don't you?

Get off.

Get off me, Pwing.

Mr. Zimm!



Are they giving you
a hard time, Mrs. Zimm?


All right, you miserable
little creatures.

Front and center.


[bright music]

All right, Columbus huggers,
we are going to have us

a practice drill, now!

When you hear someone knock
on the door, like this...


That means someone
is about to come in.

Someone who cannot
see you this way.

What do we do?

[pets cooing]

Well, I'm waiting, creatures.


No, we transform!


Let's try this again.


Come on!

These creatures seem a little...

Slow tonight.

Yes indeed, I do believe
they need their vitamins.

Do you mind, Mrs. Zimm?

Long as they don't spit up.

Or burp.

I hear you, Mrs. Zimm,
and for their sake,

I hope they do too.


Oh you know what?

- Dave, I really like your tie.
- Thanks.

- Here.
- Oh, I'll get it.

Oh, and this ice
cream's good, thanks.

I'm glad you like it.

Hey, wait a minute.

Oh, Dena!

Can I have a dog?

You'll have to ask your parents.

But as far as the
rules, it's okay?

We'll see.


Oh, hi, what's up?

- What's up?
- Yeah.

You got ice cream on your nose.

My nose?


Is it gone?

I saw you guys moving in.

I figured I should
introduce myself.

So, what you waiting for?

I'm Mike Powers, I
live in the neighborhood.

Oh, who are you?

Vickie Vincenza.


Oh, yeah, well, you
better call me Dena.

Who's that?

Oh, him?

- He's my...
- I'm her uncle Dave.

- Yeah.
- Any more questions?

- Uh...
- Good.

Now why don't you run along?

We're about to have dinner.

Who invited you?

I'm your favorite
uncle, remember?


I'll see you around, Dena?

Yeah, I guess.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Okay, everybody, let's go
over the rules one more time.

[all groaning]
I got a headache.

First of all, you
have to use [mumbles].

For the first three months,
you can't have any contact

with friends or relatives.

- None?
- None.


No phone calls, no letters,
nothing, and no trips

outside the town,
not even for the day.

Any questions?

Can we pick our noses?

Not at the table.

Marshall Dave said
I can have a dog.

No way, no pets.

We'll see, princess.

Excuse me?

I said we'll see.

What, are you dead
or something or what?

I'll show you deaf, I'll
staple your ears shut.


Hey, stop it!
[all shouting]

Guys, guys.

[whistling sharply]

Just remember, I'm sure Tony
Marino is sitting in prison

right now just waiting
for you guys to make one

little slip up.

[tense music]


Hello, boys.

Hello, Mr. Marino.

Pick up the phone, you idiots.

So tell me, Babe, does
our house still have rats?

[whispering indistinctly]

Oh yes, Mr. Marino, one
big rat in particular.

And his mommy rat and two
kiddie rats, [mumbles].

Give me the phone.

So has anybody
called are rat catcher?

Well, the rat catcher's
out of town, boss, so maybe

we should just lay
some traps and...

Look, Curly, listen to me.

In two months, that rat could
be in Amsterdam, you dumb...

No, what I want for you and
the Babe to do is to catch

those rats yourself.

I want you to put the whole
litter out of commission.

I want our house to be clean
when I get out of here.

Well, boss, it's a big house.

Huge, huge house, boss.

I wouldn't even
know where to begin.

You two figure it out.

Or else I'm gonna get
myself two new pussycats

and exterminate the both of you.

[comical music]

[foreign language]

[soft music]

I hope you like it at
grandpa and grandma's.

Nothing personal, but...

I don't know if I'll ever
get to see you again.

Good night, Rocko.

[sign buzzing]

[bright music]

[crowd talking over one another]

[Crowd Goer] Excuse
me, I wanna get through!

Smile for me, [mumbles]
remember forever.

Look at all these [mumbles]!

Whoa, look at all
these cool birds!

[birds squawking and chittering]

Hey, isn't that
the kind that talks?

- I wonder what got into Barney?
- Huh?

I said you should
learn how to read lips.

[playful music]


I can't believe it!

He finally got some turtles!

What do you want
with a stupid turtle?

My sister totally hates 'em.

If I ever got one,
she'd have a cow.

Too bad they're so expensive.

[Nicky] Hit up your
dad for it, he's loaded.

I can't, he told me he had
five jobs when he was my age.

That's why I had to
get that paper route.

Very industrious,
that's good, real good.

I like that in a boy.

Who are you?

Yeah, where's Barney?

All God's creatures are
bought sooner or later.

Barney's no different.

My name's Zimm.

Mr. Zimm.

Me and my wife, that'd be
Mrs. Zimm, bought Barney out

lock, stock, and barrel
like you like to say.

Oh, here comes Mrs. Zimm now.

[Zimms hissing]

Mr. Zimm, we have a problem.

Back room, yes,
I figured as much.

Excuse us, folks, one of
god's creatures calls.

[Zimms hissing]

Gizel's gone.

This could blow our whole
operation if Gizel...

Came by the wrong eyes.

I hear you, Mrs.
Zimm, I hear you.

[whining and snuffling]

[Nicky] I need one of
those things for my hamster.

[Mike] Yeah, these pets
have better toys than us.

[Nicky] Hey, look at
that castle for the fish,

and the thing for the gerbils.

Oh, check that out.

Weird looking fish, aren't they?

There's more down here.

Hi, Mike, hi Nicky.

Wow, isn't this a trip?

All these new pets.

Too bad I just spent all my
money on my latest creation.

Isn't it just too much?

My mon says I look like
something out of Vogue.

What do you think, Mike?

- Uh...
- While you're thinking

about it, I gotta
show you something.

See you later, Mike.


That's the pet I want.

Can you imagine a
dress in those colors?

What a statement!

Oh Mike.

My birthday's coming up you
know, not that I'm trying

to draw a pince or anything.

I'm sure you're not, Alexis.

[soft music]

God, that must be that new girl.

[mumbles] dress like that,
you'd hardly know she's a girl.

Shut up, Alexis, I
like how she looks.

[snuffling and whining]
[comical music]

Gizel, there you are!


How much for the puppy?

Uh, this one's not for sale.


I said it's not for sale.

But Mr. Zimm, you also
said all of god's creatures

get sold sooner or later.

You're a very bright
young whippersnapper,

that's for sure.

I mean that's good, that's
real good, but we're trying

to train this critter
to be a good pet.

Isn't that right, Gizel?

You got any pets who like music?

See, I listen to a lot of music.

Ooh, tell you what
y'all do, little buckaroo.

Y'all come around the back
tonight, after we close shop.

And I'll set y'all up
with a real special pet.

For free.

But y'all gotta keep
this is a secret,

just between us all.


Wait up, Mike.

Hey Dena.

Uh, hey.

Oh, this is Alexis, and Nicky.



You going inside, Dena?

Nah, pets are for kids,
I got more important

things to do.

Oh, really?

Like what?

Like what, like wait for
some fish to come swimming

up to your head.

Well, at least I don't
talk like I'm some greaseball

- from New York.
- Alexis!

Oh yeah?

So what do you know
about New York?

Well, that's where
the fashion academy is,

which I can probably get into
right now, but my mother's

making me finish
grade school first.

Are you from New York, Dena?



Oh, that's a big city too,
but it's nothing like New York.

New York is where the
most sophisticated people

in the world live,
and there's clothes,

and they study a lot.

We better get going.

So I'll be seeing
you later, Dena?


Come on, Nicky.

[comical music]

[Mascot] Hi there, miss!

Come on in, take a brochure.

Lots of [mumbles]
going on today.

Oh my god, oh, you
puppies are so cute!

Oh, look at you!

Yes, all right, [mumbles].

[Mascot] Hi there,
how do you do?

Get something
special [mumbles]...


Looks like Notre Dame's gonna
have a good football team

this year, you know that?

Come on, pop, you
said you weren't

gonna say nothing about college.

I didn't say nothing
about MIT, did I?

Hey, come on.

You got two years here, right?

Establish residency, a new
identity, and they said they

were gonna hold that
scholarship for you, right?

Just gotta, well, you
gotta have some patience.

You're right, pop,
good advice, thanks.

So could we get
some coffee in here?

Hey, I got two hands
and they're both busy.

Hey, over easy
with the eggs, ma.

There ain't nothing easy
in this kitchen, nothing.

Hey, go get your sister
outta bed, would you?

Yo Dena, eats are on!

Hey yo, go on, go on, get
off your duff, [mumbles].

All right.

Gimme your plate.

[sour music]

'Scuse me?

Maybe I could have a little
breakfast with my grease?

You know something...

Hey ma?

It's Dena, she's gone.

- My baby.
- Gone?

My baby!

[Vickie] Hey, cutie, aren't
you just the sweetest thing?


[Mrs. Zimm] He bad,
like the digging.

[Mr. Zimm] He ain't
paper trained yet.

I'm just looking.

Feast your eyes.

It's a free country.

Not judging by these
price pegs it ain't.

We're new to these
parts, we're still...

Trying to handle...

The local economy.

To tell you the truth...

Everything's negotiable.

There you are, you little runt.

Hey, you gonna bring
me your head or what?

Sorry to [mumbles] sales
pitch here, but this little

[mumbles] all the way home.

- Ain't that right, Dena?
- Stop it, put me down!

- Via...
- Con Dios.

You know, pop had
to call Marshall Dave.

They're both out looking
for you right now.

Figured you'd be
at the pet store.


You think I like being here?

I'm supposed to be
in college this here.

I'm supposed to be up to my
eyeballs in sorority babes.

Well, at least you got the car.

You can go out and do things.

I got nothing to do and
no one to do it with.

And when I do go out,
mom practically calls

the National Guard.

I hate this place!

Please bring my baby
back, ave Maria, ave Maria.


Oh, oh, my baby!

My baby!


[foreign language]

My precious baby.

[kissing loudly]

Now get to your room.

You know what you
put me through?


[sign buzzing]

Now hurry up and eat.

When you're done, we're gonna
drill until you get it right.

Isn't that right, Mrs. Zimm?

That's right, Mr. Zimm.


[noisy gobbling]


[Mrs. Zimm hissing]

I hear you, Mrs.
Zimm, I hear you.

Go on, go on, transform.

Okay, Nicky, we've
been expecting you.


Wait 'til you
see this, buckaroo.

A lousy rabbit.

Rabbits love their vittles.

Just like you.

I think you'd die for a rabbit.

Die of embarrassment's
more like it.

There, you see?

Foobub loves you.

But I don't want a rabbit.

You people have a saying,
never look a horse's gift

in the mouth.

Now take the pet.


[Mrs. Zimm] Just sign
that paper right there.


Hey, how ya doin', princess?

The door was kinda open here
and I just thought that...

Can I come in and...

You know, give you a
banana, because you...

I feel I'm talking
to a zoo here.


Look, honey...

I just want you to know
that I understand, you know,

why you feel how you do.

I just hope someday that...

You know, you'll understand
why I did what I did.

[soft music]

Does this...

Make any sense, what I'm
saying, anything here?


You go.

Don't worry, angel.

You don't have to
talk, you just listen.

Anything had happened to
you, I'd have to throw myself

in front of a subway train.

That goes for your father too.

Seeing you like this is
just eating him up inside.

They ain't got subway
trains in Arizona.

All right, wise guy,
but you get the point.

So is it for sure
I can't have a dog?

God forgive me for courting
your father, but we'll see.



Sweet dreams, my cream cannoli.

[Babe] I don't know, Mike, I
got a bad feeling about this.

[Curly] You heard
Tony, it's us or them.

Curly, the rat's a plumber.

He ain't a wise guy like us.

I gotta tell you, baby,
you're a lot of things,

but wise ain't one of 'em.

Wait, turn here!


Sorry about that, Curly,
I had the map upside down.

[Curly] You get us
lost again, I'm gonna

shove this stupid
map down your throat!

Geeze, that's it.

Next stop, you're going
to the bus station.

What you doing, Charlie?

[Charlie] What does
it look like I'm doing?

I'm watering the new grass,
like Ma asked me too.

So where's with the water?

Gimme a break,
I'm working on it.

See, I rigged the timer
box to the faucet.

That way, the lawn gets watered
five minutes every hour.

You know, it's the best
way to water a lawn,

taking into account of course
for osmosis, evaporation,

all those big words like that.

Wouldn't it just be a
little easier to water

the lawn yourself?

Yeah, well the
easy way's no good.

Trying to keep my brain
cells alive here, okay?


Okay, if you're so smart,

figure this one out
for me, Einstein.

I want a puppy so bad,
and ma and pa are stuck on

their we'll see routine.

First of all,
we'll see means no.

Maybe means no too.

Now, the only thing
that means yes is yes.

I wasn't born yesterday.

Yeah, what most people don't
know is there's an easy way

to get a yes out of parents.

Know what it is?

Blackmail 'em?


Eh, sure, that works,
but check this out.

Now, you asked them if
you can have a pet, right?


And they said no.

Yeah, I know.

Well, I didn't ask 'em if
I could have a pet, did I?

You're okay, Charlie!

Hey, where you going?

To get you a puppy.

Hey, you watch your backside.

I'm so good, it's scary.


Hey, Alexis!

[cryptic music]

Alexis, wait up!

What's up with her?



[eerie music]

[camera whirring]

Any fit check, Mrs. Zimm?

Zilch, another dud.


This one's the last
one on this tape.

Any takers on the
tough one, Mrs. Zimm?

Hot damn, I believe
we've got ourselves...

A winner!

I suspected as much.

We're rich!

[bright, comical dance music]

Wouldn't you know
that, Gizel's...

The only critter we got left.

Just our luck.

[slightly anxious music]

[mumbles] checking the runners.

And here comes the pitch.

How [mumbles], oh, she's got it!

[anxious music]



I hear you, Mr.
Zimm, I hear you.

Who's there?

I got a mean fastball and
I ain't afraid to use it.


Hey, fella!

You lost?

Come here.

Just the little fella
I've been looking for.

He's a wanderer,
you're darn tootin'.

Cute little dickens, ain't he?

So how come I
didn't see this one

in your store yesterday?

Well, this is a special pup,

he just come in this morning.

Oh yeah?

So what makes him so special?

He's the camaraderie
you're been waitin' for.

This little critter'll love
you 'til the moon turns green.

So what's his name?

I call him Gizel.

How much?

For you, he's free.

Okay, so what's the catch?

Oh, no catch.

Let's just say I got a soft
spot in my head for young 'uns.

But you can't tell anyone
about our arrangement,

otherwise I'll plumb put
myself right out of business,

now won't I?

Okay, I'll take him.

First, you have to
sign on the dotted line.

[tense music]

[TV] Gun and be, gun and-

- Little to the left.

Hey, yo, whoa, little
to the left, please?

[Marilyn] Hey, I'm sorry
for blocking your view

of Jane's tush again.

You're gonna hog the
TV, at least give me

a clear view here.

Joe, you think I
wanna do this here, huh?

Listening to you wax
about Jane Fonda's thighs?

Hey, they got no aerobics
class in Cactus Flats, Joe.

In fact, they got
nothing in Cactus Flats

except for cactus.

Hey, it's a waste
of time anyway, huh?

You know, all you gotta
do is breathe around here

and you'll sweat like a pig.

Look at me, huh?

Bet I lost five
pounds since lunch.

You wanna find it?

You're sitting on it.


Funny, Marilyn, very funny, huh?

Ma, pop!

Guess what I got?

Please, tell me it's a pizza.

Close. It's a pooch!


Doesn't he look just like Rocko?

Charlie, didn't
I tell you no pets?

You only told Dena no
pets, ma, you didn't say

nothing to me.

Ain't that right, pop?

Say something, Joe.

I don't know.

I'd rather have a pizza.

Charlie, can I play
with him outside?

Sure you can, but
don't forget, it's
my pooch, not yours.

Whatever you say!

Hey, I got a good
deal on him, you know?

I mean, you can't
beat free, right?

I oughta bust you in
the nose, smart guy.

But ma...

I know what you did, you
told her to buy that mutt.

You and your father, you think
you got it all figured out.

Let me just say this, if
anything happens to [mumbles]

it's gonna kill her.

And you remember whose
brilliant idea it was.

[Jane Fonda] Three
more [mumbles].

All right, let's see
if you can fetch, Gizel.

Catch it, Gizel!

That's what you get for free.

All right, Gizel, now
here comes my curve ball.

Don't forget to catch
it this time, okay?



No way.

It's okay, don't worry,
not gonna hurt you!

Yo, Dena.

Hey look, I just wanna let
you know that you owe me now.

Ma just dumped one of her guilt
speeches right on my head.


What's wrong with you, you
gotta go to the bathroom

- or something?
- No.

Dena, the pooch!

Hey, you better treat that
pooch better than you treat me.

Are you okay?

Too much.


[light music]


So what do you think, Trimble?

Pawn takes rook or
rook takes knight?

I like you Trimble, but
you're not too bright.

[keys clicking]

[phone ringing]

[Gwen] Mike, will you get that?


Come on, Trimble.


No, they're on vacation again.

Yeah, it's just me and Gwen.

Okay, I'll tell her, bye.

[Gwen] Who is it, is it Ricky?

Mike, is it Ricky?

[mischievous chiming]

Yeah, it's Ricky.

The phone's right
outside your door.

[playful music]

Get her good, Trimble!


[Gwen] Get that stinking
turtle out of here!


[tense music]

What happened?

[raspy breathing]

Trimble, is that you?


Whoa, amazing!

[playful music]

How did you do that, Trimble?


Oh, wow.


Can't believe it.

You won!

You're better than anything
my dad ever bought me.

[contented cooing]

♪ I'm Mr. Nick, man on the
moon, man on the moon has ♪

♪ Nothing to prove, Mr. Nick




Nicky, how many times do I
have to tell you to quit it

with that awful music?

Sorry, mom.

And get your butt
out of there soon,

dinner's almost ready.

Not that you need it.






What kind of rabbit are you?

Hey, you like my music!

You know, this is
so much more fun.

Making clothes for
people's boring.

Nobody wears 'em except me.

And nobody makes clothes
for pets, except those

goofy dog sweaters.

You look great.

Now all you need is this hat.

[soft hissing]



Am I dreaming?

If I'm dreaming, I
don't wanna wake up!

I never had a dream like this.

And this is way,
way too incredible.


[gentle kissing smack]

I'm not dreaming.

[playful growling]

Gizel, go get it!

Over here, come get
it, come on, come on!


Oh, you bit my finger!

Gonna tickle you, tickle tickle!

[Gizel laughing]

[tense music]

Shh, that might be that Mr.
Zimm come to take you back.

[fearful whining]


Did I scare you?

No, I just felt like
cracking my head open.

[Mike] Sorry.

Excuse me, but did
somebody invite you in?

Look, Dena, I know your secret.

Just tell me the truth.

How are we supposed to
be friends if you can't

even trust me?

Okay, I'll tell you.

See, we're from Brooklyn.

My real name's Vickie Vincenza.

And see, we had to move to
this dust bowl town 'cause

my pop rat on some
big time mafia guy.

He did?

Wow, that's really cool!

Yeah, right.

But I was talking
about your pet.

My pet?

What pet?

I don't got a pet.

Come on, Dena.

I know you got a
free pet, we all did.

Really weird pets.

I mean, I looked through
all my encyclopedias

and there's nothing, nothing
even close to these things.



Far out!

- Isn't he cute?
- Yeah.

Here, wait a minute,
I think I got a toy.

I do.

[mumbles] the toy, the toy!

Get the toy.

So why do you think the Zimms
gave us these pets for free?

I don't know, I don't trust 'em.

Maybe we should all
try to get together

and figure this thing out.

We could meet at say,
your house tomorrow?

Sure, how 'bout noon?

I live on Dry Creek Road,
last house on the right.

Take you 10 minutes
on your bike.

Ah, I don't got a bike.

And I can't ask
Charlie to drive me.

I already owe him one.

That's my sister, Gwen.

[impressed whistling]

Tell your brother I'll
introduce him to her

when he drops you by, and tell
him to bring his swim trunks.

Cool, see you tomorrow.

Okay, it's a date.

All right.

Oh, Mike.

'Bout that stuff I told you?

Your secret's safe with me.

Bye, Vickie.



[heartbeat thumping]

So what do you think, Gizel?

[mumbles] cute or what?

[pony snorting]

Get out of here,
go, go, go, be free.

'Til some human turns
you into dinner.

[chisel banging]

Ah, we didn't give
those brats any vitamins

for their pets.

Which means...

Those crybabies'll
come running back.

We'll ship the whole stinking...

Lot of 'em...

Off to market.

[eerie whining]

By sundown tomorrow...

We'll be back on our porch...

All our bills paid...

Eating a big fat slice...

Of Fregonian pie.

[smacking lips]

Lalala, lalala, lalala!

Porkwalavay rouge.


Porkwalavay rogue.

Hey, have a good time, pop.

Hey, hey, hoh, wait, wait,
wait, I need a ride to town.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no,
you promised you'd stay here

and you'd help me
fix up this house.

Marilyn, I gotta
go to town to...

You know, do some shopping.

Oh, shopping, you shopping?

They're gonna find Hoffa
before you go shopping.

Hey, Marilyn.

- Hey, hey hey.
- Yeah?

You know what your problem is?

Uh, yeah, you.

[comical music]


Oh, hello, neighbors!

Joey, you're wet, you're
wild, and I love you.

Now get back up that ladder.

We're close, Babe.

I can almost smell 'em.

By tonight that rat and
his family will be nothing

but little pieces of
Parmigiano cheese.


[Both] We're loving it!


Don't tell me we're
outta gas, Babe!

Don't even tell me!

So what, we outta gas?

You told me not to tell you.

What do you mean, we
passed the gas station

six miles ago.

What, some sand get in
your eyes, you can't see?

- The heat [mumbles].
- I gotta read the map,

I gotta get something to
drink, what the hell's

wrong with you?

- The gas gauge, gas gauge.
- What are we gonna do

- with this gauge?
- All the [mumbles] nowhere.

[bell ringing]

Hey Dena, how do I look?

Like you flushed your
head down the toilet.

No, seriously, come on,
help me out here, what.

Hold still.

Hey, my hair, what
are you doing to my?


And what's with the chest hair?

You ain't Luke Perry.

But I combed it.

Hi, my sister's
out back by the pool.

She's wearing her new bikini.

Come on Dena, my
room's upstairs.

Okay, cool.

Hey, wait a minute, you
keep your paws off my sister.

You hear what I'm saying?

I'll keep mine off yours
if you put yours on mine.

Hey Dena, I like this kid.

Knock her dead, Charlie.

Don't mind if I do.

[triumphant music]

[music deflating]

Mark didn't tell me
you were a bo hunk.

Loose the shirt,
let's see your bod.

Oh, that's my sophomore
picture, silly!

I'm a senior now.

18 and everything.

My mother says I filled out.

And then some.

[comical music]
[pets cooing]

Oh, wow!

Hey, you guys,
you got cool pets!

- Hey Dena.
- Hi, Dena.

Oh, hi.


Okay guys, let's
get down to business.

So what are we gonna
do about these pets?

I still say we don't
gotta do anything.

Look at 'em, they're
fine the way they are.

[pets cooing]

- Are you okay?
- Are you okay?

Talk to me!

Oh, Pwing's fine.

Hey Dena, watch
what Pwing can do.

I wanted a parrot,
but Pwing's better.

She can walk right up the wall.

Watch. Go, Pwing.

[feet popping]
[Pwing cooing]

[Pwing shouting]

Must be something
wrong with her.

[miserable cooing]

She's never acted
this way before.

They all look really tired.

Maybe we should let
'em get some sleep.

That's one thing about
Gizel, he ain't never tired.

[Alexis] Ew, what
kind of pet is that?

[Nicky] He's a furry little guy.

Watch, this'll get
a rise out of him.

Hey, it looks like
that Mr. Zimm.

[tense music]

[all shrieking]

Alexis, keep it down,
they can hear us downstairs.

Hey, uh, you
alright up here, sis?

No, I been captured by aliens.

Look, I think it's
time to go now, okay.

[Gwen] Come on, Charlie,
it's time to see my room.

Wait, um, Dena, look,
ain't I supposed to get your

braces tightened today?

I don't wear braces
anymore, bonehead.

[Gwen] Charlie,
you're coming with me!

[Charlie shouting]

Look at Pwing,
she looks anorexic.

[sickly churling]

Trimblequoi looks terrible.

His eyes are watering.

Foobub won't even open his eyes.


Hey, maybe they're just hungry.

[fast paced, comical music]

[instrumental "Lullaby
and Goodnight"]

[bright music]

[pets cooing]


[comical music]

[bowling pins crashing]

[pets laughing]

[pets groaning]



All right, let's face it, guys.

This is not working.

What do we do now?

Hey, you guys, check it out.

This contract says that
if our pets get sick,

we can bring 'em back to the
pet shop and get 'em fixed up.


[jazzy spy music]

Excuse me, got
something cold to drink?

- Here we go.
- Thanks.

Little hot out there, you know?

[Server] Oh yeah.

Been walking a little
bit around the city here.

You're new to these
parts, aren't you?

Yeah, how'd you know?

Not difficult to guess.

Moved the whole family
out from the east coast.

I hope I made the
right decision.

You know what?

I never thought that I'd
miss plumbing myself,

but this whole town
seems to be kind of...


You know what I mean?

- Like...
- Beige.


Me and my family, I
mean, we're kind of...

- Loud.
- Yeah.


That's the problem
with the program.

The program?

- Yeah, program.
- Program.

They put you somewhere safe,
safe sure can be boring, huh?

- Know what I mean?
- Yeah.

Excuse me, but...

Did I, uh, did I slip up
and say something that maybe

I shouldn't have said?

So tell me, who'd you rat on?


[showdown music]

I can't wait 'til
this job is done.

I've had my fill
of Cactus Flats.

Even though we just got here.

I don't know, Curly.

I kinda like spending
some time with ya.

You know, bonding and stuff.

Two brothers sharing experience.

Experience, you call
this an experience?

This is two idiots
pushing two tons of metal

in 222 degree heat.

This is not an experience!

Yeah, I guess you're right.

[Curly] Babe, while I'm young!

[Mike] Oh, it's closed!

- Aw, man!
- What are we gonna do?

Hey, wait a minute, you guys.

The door's open.

[bell ringing]

- Come on.
- Shh.

[Mike] Quiet.

Wonder where they are?

Why are the lights out?

Where's all the pets?

Well, if it ain't my
four favorite customers.

What can I do for you kiddies?

It's our pets, they're sick.

Do something,
our pets are dying!

Oh, that's powerful sad.

All right, let's see 'em.

[pets whining]

[music deflating]

They're not sick, they're
just running low on energy.

They need their vitamins,
isn't that right, Mrs. Zimm?

That's right, Mr. Zimm.

[wet gobbling]

Don't fret, kiddies.

According to the interstellar
rules of commerce,

we can only take as many
pets as we leave behind.

What are you talking about?

Four critters for four humans.

No way!

Nobody's making pets out of us.

What'll we do?

Make like a banana and split!


[chase music]

C'mere, you little
polecat, I gotcha now.

What were you thinking, you
could get away from Mr. Zimm?


[Mike] Let me go!

[groaning in pain]

Oh, Trimblequoi,
how could you do this?

My new boots!


Come here, you brats!

[evil laughing]


You don't get rid
of me that easy.

[evil laughter]


[comical music]
[kids laughing]

[cooing laughter]

I'm tired of
playing with you kids.

[Gizel cooing]

Chew on this, mister.

Gizel, you okay?

[tense music]

[kids gasping]

Give 'em the
business, Mr. Zimm.

Say cheese, kiddies.

[kids gasping]

[zapping and whirring]

That's one hell of a Zimmmer!


[Mrs. Zimm] Too bad they
can't all be like that.

Coffee shop here.

Hey, it's your wife.

Joe, it's Dena.

She's gone.

I don't know where she is.

Charlie was with her
and a couple other kids

and he turns his
back for a minute...

The kitchen where they
were was totally ransacked.

[mumbles], I'm
worried [mumbles].

Joe, he said that it looked
like a professional job.

Hey whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hoa.

Are you telling me that
she left with three kids

and they were on a bike?

Hey, I just saw four kids
headed to that pet shop

across the street
about 10 minutes ago.

Hey, Marilyn, listen, hey,
this guy here says he just

saw some kids on bike
that went into a pet shop

and I'm gonna go check
it out, all right?

Now listen, I don't
want you to worry, okay?

Yeah, right.

Hey, that's the trouble
with kids nowadays, huh?

Need a third eye to
keep track of 'em.

Yeah, they're animals.

[tense music]

What are we gonna do?

Lock those stinking
creatures out there.

Get 'em out, all we gotta
do is leave 'em alive.

But without their vitamins,
they'll be deader than...

Dream Frudder by
this time tomorrow.

[Both] What a shame.

[both laughing wickedly]

[alien humming]


Come on, let's ship
this one out first.

After all, she is
the most valuable.


Anybody home?


[alien humming]

[pets cooing]

[alien humming]
[tense music]

Don't go anywhere!



Hey, there's a guy
standing over there, maybe

he's seen a rat.

That ain't no
ordinary guy, Babe.

That is the rat!

Let's get him.

[tense music]

Hey, can you open the door here?

Hey, how you doing?

Listen, I got to talk to
you, can you open the door?

I know, open, open the
door, I gotta talk.

I'm sorry, we're closed.

I know, I know, but I gotta
talk to you for a second.

[pets cooing]


[pets shrieking]

Let's go in the back,
that way nobody'll see us

go in, nobody'll see us go out.

So what if the
back door's locked?

Well gee, I don't know!

Maybe we'll have to call
the boss and tell him

we don't know how to
pick a stupid lock.

Now come on.

Nope, can't say as
I've seen her, not today.

Wait, wait, wait.

That's kind of strange, 'cause
the guy across the street

he said that he saw some
kids on bikes and they...


[tense music]

Well, if it's a dog toy
you're looking for, come back

tomorrow because we're
having a clearance sale.

Wait a minute.

This is my girl's baseball.

Now, you better tell me
what you did with her.

I'll do better, I'll
show you what I did.


[alien humming]


Don't you worry, Mrs.
Zimm, I'll get him

and I'll get him good.

Pwing, over here.


The keys.



Hey princess!

Bad doggie!

[alien humming]

Say, Mrs. Zimm, I'm coming!

I'm coming, Mrs. Zimm!

[Vickie] Come on, Pwing!

You got it!

Yes, come on, bring
it over to me!


Right here.

[Alexis] Way to go, Pwing!



Come help me!



That's good, pull!

[Trimble laughing]

Don't worry, Marshall.

Somebody saw her go into
the pet shop with a couple

of other kids and Joe
went to check on her.

Oh yeah, yeah, they all
had their pets with 'em.

They probably went to
get 'em flea dipped.

I'm not worried, no, not at all.

I know she's safe.

I don't know where I'm
gonna put this horse's head.


Marshall, you still there?

I don't like this.

Dena's puppy just
showed up without Dena.


Those two are inseparable.


Oh my god, where's my baby?

[cooing and snuffling]


[Alexis] Way to go, Dena!


[children talking
over one another]

[Nicky] Hurry up!

[comical music]



- Get me out!
- Get Mike.

- Let's go.
- Come on, Nicky!

[kids groaning]

- Help me out of here!
- It's Mr. Zimm!

- Hold the door, close it!
- Hold the door!


[kids and Mr. Zimm
shouting over one another]

[Mike] You guys,
you're pushing it!

Keep it closed!

[kids and Mr. Zimm
shouting over one another]

Slide it over!

[Mr. Zimm] I'm gonna get you!

I'm gonna kick your...

- Oh, open this door!
- The other door.

[kids screaming]

[Mike] Trimble's
holding the door!

[kids talking over one another]

Come on, Trimble, [mumbles].

Don't let him in, oh my god!

[kids talking over one another]

Mr. Zimm's gonna get in!

- What is that?
- Hold it, Trimble!

[kids talking over one another]


[Dave] Don't worry Marilyn,
I'm sure everything's fine.

After what I thought I saw?

[Dave] Yeah.

[Marilyn] God and
Mary, please let

my bambino be all right.

It's closed.

[bell ringing]

Dena, are you in there?

Can't see anything.


[Marilyn] It's just Joe.

[comical music]

Oh my god, he's been drinking.

So open the door already!


[comical music]

[glass shattering]

[Marilyn] Oh Joe, are you okay?

What's going on?

Where is our baby?




Get out of the way, Joe.

[kids gasping]

- Oh no.
- He [mumbles] moved it.

- How did he know [mumbles]?
- [mumbles].

He's bringing out Mrs. Zimm.



Open this door, it's
a US federal Marshall!

Open this door now!


This is Marilyn
Yeagher open the door!

Open the door!

Open the door!

You know what happens
to bad pets, don't you?

- I'm knocking!
- I demand you open this door!

They get put to sleep.

[kids gasping]

[fast paced music]

[kids exclaiming in surprise]

Now what can I do
for you city slickers?

We're with the
Italian guy out front.

Well, that's gonna be
a problem 'cause I ain't

opening that door.

My baby!

My baby!


Hey Curly, look at that girl.

She the Vincenza kid?

You're right, for once, Babe.

We'll take the girl instead.

No, take any pet but her.

I got the knife, bub,
I'm calling the shots.

Now don't move.

Come here, girly.

Go get her.

[tense music]

Let me go!

[Curly] You're
coming with us, sister.

[Joe] Step aside.

[Dave] Joe, please.


Just step aside.

It's time to use
our special weapon.

- Oh no Joe, not that.
- Yeah.

[Curly] All right, we're
going out this back door

and nobody's gonna
stop us, got it?


[Mike] It's Trimble!

[whimsical music]

[alien humming]


- Whoa!
- Wow!

[triumphant bugle music]

Mr. Zimm!

[alien humming]

Not much of a market
for full growns.

Least our bills are paid.

'Til next month.

I hear you, Mrs.
Zimm, I hear you.

- Happy trails.
- To you.

What part of
Brooklyn are they from?

[eerie music]


[alien humming]


[goop blooping]

[Announcer] And tomorrow's
weather, just like today's.

Now for my [mumbles].

Where are we?

What is this place?



Hey, hey!

[Dave] Guys, I think we
better get out of here.

[Joe] Yes.

[Dave] Come on, come on.

[Joe mumbling]

Where are our pets, Mike?

I don't know.

- Trimble!
- Pwing?

Trimble, where are you?

[Alexis] Pwing.

[soft music]

[Mike] Come on,
they're over here.

Come here.

Aw, hi, Pwing!


Thanks for helping out!

- Good job.
- Yeah.

Hey, we better
let you transform so
nobody sees you, okay?

Go ahead.


[loud humming]

[crowd murmuring]

Hey, look at the bunny rabbit.

[all talking over one another]

[tires screeching]
[comical music]

It's okay, Charlie, Dena's safe.

Forget about
Dena, what about me?

Charlie, where are you going?

Charlie, come back here.

Oh, geeze!

Look man, I'm outta here!

[tires screeching]

[Gwen] Charlie, come
back, Charlie, please!

[all murmuring]

[Marilyn] You done good.

So what are you doing tomorrow?

Wouldn't you like to know.

I'll call you, [mumbles].

All right, bye.

[Vickie] See you later.

[bright music]

I hope the little guy
doesn't pee in the car.

Well, here we are.

Oh boy, I'm telling you,
it's sure good to get home

after that experience, huh?

Aww, that's my Joe,
always at the right place

at the wrong time.

Yeah, well I was at the
right place because I saved

the whole town from
an alien invasion.

You know what, pop?

All my friends
think you're a hero.

- Yeah?
- Mmhmm.

Well, what do you think?

I think so too.

Hey, princess.

Eh, what the heck, huh?


How 'bout that, huh?

Me, Joe, a hero.



Well, wait, wait, wait.

- Hey, Marshall Dave.
- Yeah?

I just thought of something.

You know, those bad guys,
I mean, they found us here

pretty easy, I mean,
you think we're gonna

have to move again?

Aww, come on, Joe.

I just got the house to look
exactly what way I want it.

It looks like the
Ponderosa around here.


So, what do you think?

You know what?

I think you're gonna be fine.

I'll send a telegram to
Tony Marino from his boys,

telling him the job's been done.



That's good thinking.

Real good thinking, ay, ya!

Hey, I'll see you later, huh?

All right.

Call me if you need me, Joe.

Come on over for
supper one night, Dave.

I'll whip up some
steak, rare style beans,

biscuits and gravy.

- Hey.
- What?

You're starting
to make me hungry.

Oh yeah?

Then come on inside.

[comical music]

You know, Gizel, I don't
know what I'm gonna do

when your energy
runs down again.

Ain't got none of them vitamins.

Ew, Gizel, now I
gotta give you a bath.



Gizel, what are you
eating that mud for?

[gobbling and whining]

Could you be saying that
that mud, that it tastes

like your vitamins?



Keep your vitamins to yourself.

[Joe] Hey princess!

Eats in five minutes.

[Gizel poofing]

Be right there, pop.

Now Gizel, no going alien
inside the house, you hear?

You're my own little secret.

Let's go inside, come on.


[exploding bang]

[electrical crackling]

[bright music]
[water splashing]

Here we go again.

♪ Oh give me a home
where the buffalo roam ♪

♪ And the deer and
the antelope play ♪

♪ Where something is heard,
a discouraging word ♪

♪ And the skies are
not cloudy all day ♪

♪ Home, home on the range

[peaceful music]

[lively music]