Pawn Shop Chronicles (2013) - full transcript

(RUSHING WATER)

(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ I know that you've heard ♪

♪ This old song sung before ♪

♪ But you ain't heard it while ♪
♪ you was walking out the door ♪

♪ It's good-bye, baby ♪

♪ Honey, your time has come ♪

♪ Turn the tables now ♪
♪ and you're the one on the bum ♪

♪ It's la, la, la ♪

♪ I'm singing la, la, la ♪

♪ I'm so happy, ♪
♪ got me singing la, la, la... ♪



MAN: Need to get the
Santa out of here.

MAN 2:
Why come?

Number one, it's spring.
It's not winter.

- Spring.
- So?

Secondly,

you don't even work here.

When are you gonna stop
putting all your shit all around

all over the place?

- Third...
- Mm-hmm.

...Santa Claus ain't even
of African descent.

Oh, yeah, that's it there.

I was waiting for that.

You do realize Santa Claus
ain't even a real person.

You can make him
whatever color you want to.



No. Charlie Brown ain't real.

Charlie Brown real?

Well, hell, no.

Well, you ain't gonna draw a
picture

of a little black kid,
round head,

curly-squiggly hair

and call him a "Peanuts" comic.

Well, you could if you wanted
to.

Well, you could physically,
but you can't.

Yes, you could.

(SIGHS)

All right, fine.
You could.

But you gotta get rid
of the damn Santa.

And I got news for you, too.

If some black man came down my
chimney wearing a red jogging suit,

I'd blow a hole
right through his red hat.

- (BANGS)
- How's that...

(DOORBELL CHIMES)

What?

Oh, no, no.
No, no, man.

I just need a loan on my
shotgun.

Well... honest.

(STUTTERING) What... what's
wrong with you kids?

Coming into a man place of business
pointing a shotgun at people.

I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to cause no fuss.

You know the pawn shop business
is a dangerous game.

MAN:
Damn right.

My brother, he move out West,
opened a pawn shop.

- Found him in the basement, dead.
- I remember that.

Oh, yeah?
What happened to him?

I'd rather not talk about it.

You're lucky...

I didn't blow a hole
through your head.

Well, how was you gonna do that
with your hands up in the air?

Shut up.

Give me the gun.

Well, I'll give you 20.

Oh, come on, now.
Come on.

50.

No.

- 40.
- No.

- 30?
- Nope.

25.

- No.
- Come on, man. Shit.

Well, all right.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hey.

(SNIFFS)
Whoo!

Hey, man, is Vern there yet?

No, he late.

Hey, where you at, man?

Don't worry,
I'll be there in a minute.

You just keep his ass there,
huh?

'Cause I've been up for three
days since we smoked that shit

and I'm beginning
to hallucinate, man.

(SNIFFS)
Ah! God!

On my way here,

when I was driving in,
I saw the King, man.

I swear I saw Elvis
walking through town square.

I can't be robbing no people when
I'm fucked up like this, man.

Hey.

Quit being a pussy.
I'll be there in a minute, all right?

You just keep Vernon there
'cause I'm gonna fuck his ass up.

Shit!

Jesus Christ, man.
Thank God, man.

Where the hell have you been?

Oh, I had to pawn my shotgun
to get gas money.

Man, how the hell we gonna
rob Stanley without a shotgun?

- Well, how was I supposed to get here?
- You stupid fuck!

How was I supposed
to get here without gas?

I would've come
and picked you up, dumbass.

Listen, don't you think this whole
robbing Stanley thing is stupid anyway?

And why the fuck we gotta meet
out in this field?

You are so fucking stupid, man.

'Cause it's top secret shit,
that's why!

So fields is the place
for top secret meetings, huh?

Why are you so damn worried
about the gun anyhow?

There's three of us
and only one of him.

We just go in there,
we beat him down,

we take the meth,
we get out of there.

- It's easy.
- You're so stupid, man.

- What?
- The guy is a fucking geeked-out,

hillbilly, drug-cooking,
dumb shit.

You don't think he has
a fucking arsenal of weapons

laying around his fucking house?

You don't think he ain't got his head
out the window every five minutes

peeking 'round to see
what the fuck's going on?

You know this shit
fucking makes you paranoid, man.

Speaking of dope, man,
you got any on you?

Hell, no.

That dickhead at the pawn shop
only gave me 20 on the gun.

So I only got enough for gas...

What the fuck, man?!

RAW DOG: Shit!

(GROANING)

What the fuck, man?

That son of a bitch stole $80
out of my sock drawer.

- No, he didn't.
- Bullshit!

Randy, he didn't fucking take
shit.

- Vern didn't steal anything, man.
- How the fuck do you know?

Because he just pawned
the goddamn shotgun

so he could put some fucking gas
in his car, man.

And he didn't have no meth,
either.

So clearly,
he ain't got no extra cash.

Huh.

Well, shit.

Wait,

he pawned the shotgun?

How the fuck are we supposed
to rob Stanley?

I don't know, Randy.

Fuck, man, why you gotta go
and run Vernon over?

(GURGLING)

I mean, shit, what makes you think
he stole it in the first place?

Lamar told me he took it.

- Oh, Lamar did.
- Mm-hmm.

You mean the crackhead?

You mean that lying,
fucking cheating thief?

That Lamar?

You stupid fuck!
He gets his hair cut at Cook's!

- He said he seen Vernon take it.
- That don't mean shit, man!

I mean, Jesus Christ!
You fucking...

You ran fucking
Vernon's ass over, man.

You could've
fucking asked him first.

- (FLIES BUZZING)
- What the fuck?

Instead you trust
some dude's word

with the name
of fucking "stinky nuts."

Made sense at the time, all
right?

Man, we gotta do something.

We gotta take him
to a hospital or something.

This gurgling shit,
this ain't normal, man.

I ain't taking his ass nowhere
and getting locked up.

- Well, we can't just leave him here.
- Move.

(GROANS)

See? He's fine.

Let's go get my money from
Lamar.

Good afternoon.
I'm Connie Swanson.

And I'm here with a man
who helps save lives by day

and is the King by night.

- Hi.
- Meet Ricky Baldoski.

He's a volunteer emergency
medical service technician by day

and, as you can probably guess,

does Elvis tribute shows by
night.

- That's right. I'm Ricky Baldoski.
- Yes.

Tell us who some of your
big influences are, Ricky.

Well, definitely.

The King, um, King,
and the King.

- KKK all the way.
- You can catch Ricky...

- Wait, no...
- ...this weekend

performing his tribute
performance to the King.

I'd like to just say one word:
God bless America!

...Irwin County Fair.

- (CAR DOORS CLOSE)
- Back to you, Michael.

RANDY:
Lamar!

You lying bastard.

Vern didn't steal my money,
you did.

No, I didn't.

Bullshit.

I know it was you 'cause it
sure as hell wasn't Vernon

and you're the one who lied.

Oh.
Oh, man.

I guess it was me, man.

What the...

I fucking knew it.

You give me my money,
you lying piece of shit.

- I don't have it.
- What?

Where is it? Where is it?

It's in the air, man.
I smoked it up.

$80 since this morning?
What the fuck?!

We gonna kick your ass, Lamar.

We gonna fuck you up good.

'Cause of you,
old Vern got killed.

And that shit ain't cool, man.

There's getting high

and there's getting a brother
fucking ran over!

God damn it, bro!
Kick his ass!

I oughta kick
your fucking ass, Lamar.

Randy, don't, man.

You got a gun, huh?

- Huh?
- No.

- We need a gun.
- Hey, hey, we could ask Don.

Don will have a gun.

Yeah.

We gonna go get the gun and we
gonna come back and shoot you.

- Right?
- Don't you steal shit while I'm gone.

Okay?

Okay.

Is that my Styx CD in your
pants?

- Huh?
- God damn it. Yeah.

Fuck, Lamar!

Put it back, Lamar.

- I ain't fucking around.
- Sorry, man, it was right here.

I was warming it.

It's your fucking ass now.

You're fucking dead, Lamar.

- Kick his fucking ass, Randy.
- (EXHALES)

What the fuck?

What, you ain't gonna kick
his fucking ass?

RANDY:
Shut the fuck up.

We gonna come back
and kick your fucking ass!

Oh, shit!
Fuck, man!

- (YELLING) - You guys
are fuckin' mean, man.

(ENGINE REVS)

Yeah, so we just wanna borrow
your gun for a couple of hours

and we'll bring it right back.

Get the fuck outta here.

What the fuck, man?

(TIRES SCREECHING)

I can't believe that fuck-mouth
slammed the door in my face.

I should've kicked his ass.
That's what I should've fucking done.

- Yep.
- Dumb motherfucker.

Hey...

didn't we borrow
his lawn mower one time

and then we sold it

instead of taking it back to
him?

I want that machine back
tomorrow, you understand?

Yeah, yeah, you got it.
You got it.

Thanks, Mr. Don.

Huh.

Oh.

- No wonder he's so fucking pissed.
- Yeah.

Hey, man,
I've gotta ask you something.

Yeah?
What is it?

Look, don't be giving me
no bullshit about

how you can't believe I don't
know and stuff, though, okay?

Fine. What is it?

I'm serious, man.
You can't be calling me dumbass.

For fuck's sakes, all right.

Okay, we've been
in the Aryan Confederacy now

for about a year, right?

- Yeah. Uh-huh.
- Okay.

There's one thing
I don't understand.

Would you just spit it out, Raw
Dog?

Man, you're freaking me out.

- Fuck.
- Okay. Okay.

I understand

why we're supposed
to hate niggers, okay.

- Yeah.
- They look different,

they walk different,
they talk different.

I get it, okay.

But Jews, man,

why are supposed
to hate the Jews?

I just found out
Jerry Springer was a Jew.

Jerry fucking Springer, man.

If I seen him in the street,

I would kiss his ass

and ask him for an autograph.

I got three
Adam Sandler DVDs at home

and I just found out
he's a Jew, too.

If I was in a building
and 10 Jews sit down next to me,

I wouldn't even know it.

So what's the difference?

They got money?
Well, money ain't so bad.

Shit, I wish I had some money.

They got big noses.

At least they're supposed to.

Damn Teddy's got a nose
that's bigger

than this whole damn truck
and he ain't Jewish.

So, what, are we supposed
to hate him?

For crying out loud.

Jesus is a Jew, man.

I mean, we're talking Jesus.

We go to church every Sunday

and we pray
to the King of the Jews, man.

Well?

(TIRES SCREECH)

Now you listen

and you listen good.

If you repeat this,
so help me God,

I will run your ass over, too.

(ENGINE REVS)

I don't know, either, man,
all right?

I don't know, either.

I mean, hell,
I don't even hate black people.

Tyrone and Bert
are some of my best buddies.

- You know them, right?
- Yeah, man. They're cool, too.

Yeah.

I mean, do you know
how awkward it is

when I got to leave
the card game early

to go to my white supremacist
meeting?

I mean, they seem
to understand,

but, hell, it's just...

The only reason I started going
in the first place

is 'cause Greg's wife puts
out that little buffet table

with them meatballs
and them little smoky wieners.

- Yeah, them are good, too.
- Hell, yeah, they're good. Fuck.

Next thing I know,
I'm going to every meeting,

you know.

Full-blown member.
Got the tats and everything.

So we're pretty much
on the same page, then.

Sounds like it.

We ain't even really white
supremacists at all, are we?

Guess not.

Should we still be going
to them meetings, Randy?

Them little smoky wieners
sure are good.

- Yeah, they're pretty good, all right.
- Yeah.

- (LAUGHING)
- They are good.

- (TIRES SCREECH)
- Oh, shit!

(BOTH YELLING)

What the fuck?!

- Oh!
- Shit!

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Hey.

Huh?

What is that?
A bow?

Yeah, it's a bow.
Let's get it.

What are we gonna get that for?

We gonna rob Stanley with it.

(LAUGHS)

(MAN GROANING)

(LAUGHS)

RANDY:
He's taking a...

- Hey!
- Hey.

Oh, shit!
Come on, let's go.

Come on, Raw Dog.

Come on, man.

Hey!

Take a guy's bow like that?

Fucking prick.

Hey, see you later there,
cheese dick.

(WHOOPING)

Yeah, Raw Dog!
Yahoo!

Shit.

That motherfucker.

(ENGINE TURNS OFF)

(BIRD SCREECHES)

You okay?

I don't think so.

(ZIPPO CLOSES)

What happened to you?

- (FLIES BUZZING)
- This bastard ran me over.

Run over and left for dead, huh?

Yeah.

Take you to a hospital?

I don't wanna go to the
hospital.

I wanna find those
backstabbing cocksuckers.

Revenge, huh?

That's a dangerous word.

It's appropriate, though, I
guess.

You don't look familiar.

You from around here?

Just passing through.

You sure I can't take you
to a hospital?

No.

I know where them fuckers
is gonna be.

I plan on meeting them there.

Only problem is I pawned
my shotgun.

I see.

Give me a second.

Now...

I can't take you there...

but I can offer you this.

- You'd give me your gun?
- I ain't giving you my gun.

I'm offering you salvation.

(CAR DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)

(ENGINE REVS)

(DISTANT CHATTER
AND MUSIC PLAYING)

What the fuck happened
to you back there, huh?

Froze up like a retard.

I can't have you doing
that shit in there.

I seen something.

What?

I'd rather not say.

Remember when
we was talking on the phone,

I told you I'd been up
for three days

and I started seeing
some weird shit?

Just tell me what you seen.

An army of naked zombie women.

An army of naked zombie women?

Dear God,
are you fucking losing it?

First Elvis, now this?

What the... man,
pull your shit together, man.

- We got a job to do.
- I know, man.

That's what I'm saying.
Is this such a good fucking idea?

Maybe we should just... like,
we should just rest for a couple days

- and get ourselves a fucking gun.
- No.

A proper weapon and then we can
go do that shit then.

No, we can't wait.

The fair's right here.
It's making plenty of noise.

All hell breaks loose,
ain't nobody gonna hear shit.

Now come on,
break out them fucking masks.

Come on.
Let's go.

I got this one for you.

Yeah, buddy.
Whoo-hoo.

Holy shit!
What the fuck is that?

- It's a fucking mask, man.
- RICKY: ♪ Amazing Grace...

It's a fucking clown mask.

Well, we needed
two fucking masks.

And I found that there ski mask

and then I found this here
clown mask.

And for a minute I was thinking

maybe I could should go
and get another ski mask.

But then I was like,
"Why the fuck would I do that?"

'Cause this mask
is gonna work perfectly fine.

I ain't going in there with you
wearing a fucking clown mask.

Forget that.
Uh-uh.

Are you scared of clowns
or some shit?

No.

- (YELLS)
- (SCREAMS)

Fuckin' stop it!

Randy, I'm gonna come and
get you in your sleep, boy.

I ain't fucking with you.
Stop it, you fucking bastard.

- (CRYING) Okay? Stop it.
- (LAUGHING)

What the fuck are you laughing
at?

Youse fucking scared of clowns.

(LAUGHING)

I ain't scared of shit.

Fuck it. Come on,
let's go do the goddamn thing.

Fucking asshole.

(RICKY CONTINUES SINGING
IN DISTANCE)

Fuck you.

(GUN CLICKS)

What the fuck
is this bullshit here?

Oh, fuck me.

Hey, you put down
that there gun

or I'm gonna shoot you
with this fucking arrow.

Fuck your arrow. I got a gun.
You put it down.

You put it down and give us
all that meth you got cooked up.

STANLEY:
Randy?

- Is that you?
- Uh...

- No.
- Bullshit!

That's Raw Dog right there.

No, it ain't.

Do I look like
a fucking idiot to you?

You buy my shit every fucking day.
I know what you sound like.

Wearing a fucking clown mask
ain't gonna scare me none.

My name's not Raw Dog!

I oughta fucking shoot your ass
in the head.

Shit, you best get that powder

or Raw Dog's gonna
shoot your ass in the head.

Aha!

You just said
my fucking name, Randy.

You just said my fucking name!

(STANLEY LAUGHING)

Fucking dumbasses.

RAW DOG: I told you
this was a stupid fucking idea.

Man, my fucking arm's
getting tired.

I can't fucking hold this shit
any longer.

The bow ain't got nothing
to do with it.

It ain't my fault that Stanley sits
next to his window all fucking day

waiting for shit like this to
happen.

Well, what the fuck
are we gonna do now, huh?

Oh, fuck!

- Oh, what the fuck, man?
- (STANLEY LAUGHING)

Fuck, Randy.
I didn't mean to fucking shoot you.

(HIGH-PITCHED)
Oh, what the fuck?

- Fucking dumbass.
- Shut the fuck up, Stanley!

Fuck, man.

What the...

RAW DOG:
Does it hurt?

Fuck, yeah, it hurts, man!

STANLEY: I hope you two
don't do this for a living.

- (LAUGHING)
- Ah!

Do I pull it out?
Do I pull it out?

- What do I do?
- No, I don't think so, man.

- What am I gonna do?
- (SHOTGUN COCKS)

- What the fuck?
- You motherfuckers.

- Vernon?
- Vernon, you in on this?

Shut up.

These assholes run me over

and left me for dead
in the middle of nowhere.

Asshole? Vernon, I wasn't the
motherfucker that ran you over.

Fuck you, Raw Dog.
You left me there.

RANDY: Hey, just calm
the fuck down, Vernon.

Look, I got a fucking arrow
in me, man.

(YELLS)

And what the hell are you doing
with my clown mask on?

'Cause it was the only fucking
mask I could find, man.

Easy now.

Don't be pointing
that shotgun in here.

You know what's gonna happen
if you shoot that thing off.

Yeah, you damn right I do.

(SCREAMING)

- Shit!
- VERNON: Die!

Oh, shit!

You know, salvation comes
in many forms.

- Ha!
- Fuck, man!

Today, it rolled up in a 4x4.

Vernon, you damn fuck!

(RAW DOG SCREAMING)

Fuck!

Shit, shit, shit!

(SCREAMING)

(GROANS)

You methy douchebag. I'm...

- STANLEY: No!
- Step on this, bitch!

Ah!

ALTON: Fine. If you wanna keep
the Santa out there,

it'll be Christmas year-round
in Irwin, Georgia.

JOHNSON: You know you ain't
fooling nobody, right?

It ain't got nothing to do
with it being spring time.

You don't like it 'cause he's
black.

Why you calling me a racist?

Well, you don't like
black Santa Claus.

And last week,

you told me you don't like
black porno.

Now hang on a damn minute.

Now that's got nothing
to do with racism.

I like black chicks in porno
movies.

I just don't like 'em with the
black guys in them, that's all.

Why come?
They make you feel inadequate?

No.

It's because their dicks
are so dark.

They get to fucking,

their dicks get wet,
they get glisteny and shit,

and it's hard for my eyes
to unfocus off it.

Make me sick.

Eh, well, I guess you got a
point.

Hey, why come
you selling that car?

I told you.
I was up at a four-way stop,

a big black 4x4 truck,

black tinted windows
went out of turn, nearly hit me.

- (DEATH METAL MUSIC PLAYING)
- ALTON: Shit!

Motherfucker.

- (TIRES SCREECH)
- Fuck you, shit for brains!

Learn how to drive!

Fuckin' creep.

Christ!

- Nut job.
- JOHNSON: Well, who was it?

I don't know.

Not from around here.

Had West Virginia plates.

Now every time I take the car out,
fucker appears out of nowhere,

tries to run me down.

Well, obviously, this boy
got himself a mental problem.

Why come you gonna let this one
fool make you sell your car?

Look, he tried to kill me eight
times.

That piece-of-shit car
ain't worth dying over.

I guess you got a point.

(DOORBELL CHIMES)

Hi there.

I'm Richard and this is Sandy.

We just got married yesterday.

- Congratulations.
- Ta-da.

Yeah, look at that.

(EXCLAIMS)
That's some rock.

Listen, this is gonna
sound totally nuts,

but we're on our way to Orlando
for our honeymoon,

and I stopped
at an ATM machine

and some son of a gun
hacked into my account

and drained every last dime.

Well, you look pretty chipper for
somebody that just got ripped off.

Well, I got news for you,

there's absolutely nothing
that's gonna bring me down today

because I just married

the most beautiful woman
in the world.

(WOMAN GIGGLING)

Mwah!

We're gonna enjoy our honeymoon.

And I'm confident that the bank is
gonna straighten everything out.

But until then,

we need a little cash
for our trip.

We're just gonna need a couple thousand
and we'll pick it up on the way back.

Well, I ain't got that
kind of cash lying around.

Folks don't come in here
with a $10,000 ring.

Here.

Sorry, hon.

Here, here, take a look
at this baby right here.

How much can you
loan us on this?

Just for a week or so
until the banks get back.

I don't know.
Maybe four or five hundred.

Are you kidding me?

Four or five hundred.

ALTON: Can I help you
with something there?

Let me see that ring.

Which one?
This one here?

Yes.

Honey, is something wrong?

(SIGHS)

Oh, no.

Richard, what's wrong?

Honey, what's the matter?

Um...

I'm gonna need you
to wait outside.

- What?
- No, no.

Just wait outside.

- Honey, can't you just tell me?
- Please.

Outside.

I'll be out in a second.
I'll explain everything.

(DOORBELL CHIMES)

You okay there, mister?

Where did you get this ring?

No, I can't tell you
that kind of information.

- Where did you get the ring?
- What are you, a parrot?

I said I can't tell. Look,
you think that ring was stolen from you,

- you gotta fill out a police report.
- Now, I want you to listen to me.

This ring...

This ring belonged to my wife.

Not her.

My first wife Cyndi.

Six years ago,

Cyndi disappeared.

Her car was still in the garage.

There was blood
found in the driveway.

So I know she didn't just run
away.

That wasn't Cyndi.

No.

She was taken from me

without a trace.

And, you know,
to make matters worse...

I seem to be the cops'
number-one suspect.

Mm-mm-mm.

And now... six years later,

the day after my wedding,

I end up in a pawn shop...

What, six, seven,
eight states away from my hometown...

to find a ring

that I had custom-made for her

with our names
inscribed in the band

and you say you can't
give out information?

No. You'll have to call the
cops.

- Maybe they can figure it out.
- No cops.

I want you to tell me
who sold you this ring.

Man, I can't.

All right, you listen to me.

You see that diamond
you got in your hand?

I want you keep that ring.

That's a $17,000 ring, by the
way.

All I want in exchange for it

is my old ring back

plus that shitty hatchback
you got for sale out front.

Hmm.

What is it you want?

How much you give me on this?

It's a valuable family heirloom.
Belonged to my granny.

She's dead.
It's pretty. It's pretty.

Well, I'll give you 40.

Deal.

His name's J.J. Thomason.

Might even find him
at Lou's Fire Pit in the square.

He's a cook there.

Now don't tell nobody
I told you nothing.

- Don't.
- JOHNSON: I...

- Don't say...
- I'm just saying...

Just don't say nothing.

Richard, what is going on?

- I need you to go back home.
- What?

Take the car
and go back to Connecticut.

But... no, no, no, no.
We're on our honeymoon

and now you want me
to just drive home?

I wanna know
what the hell is going on.

It's a private matter.

Private?
It's private?

There is no private.
We just got married.

You can't just drive off
without an explanation.

I'm your wife.

- (SIGHS)
- (ENGINE STARTS)

I already have a wife.

What are you talking about?

Why are you doing this to me?

Richard?

Richard, come back!

Richard, don't go.

We're supposed to go to Orlando!

Richard!

♪ You know how I feel

♪ It's a new dawn, it's a new
day ♪

♪ It's a new life

♪ For me

♪ And I'm feelin' good

♪ Yeah

♪ Dragonfly out in the sun

♪ You know how I feel

♪ Butterflies havin' fun,
you know what I mean... ♪

(DEATH METAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(ENGINE REVVING)

♪ Now I'm feelin'...

Say there, missy.

Carlee, I don't suppose that
you noticed that I was in town.

I'm doing a tribute show
to the King

down at the county fair later
on.

Big news story about it
and everything.

Gonna be on the news
later on this afternoon.

Even put a poster in the window.
You should check it out.

It's against the rules.

Management.

Say, I was wondering
if maybe

you would perhaps be interested
in trading a little lunch

for a pair of front-row tickets.

I don't go to the fair.

And we only take cash
for food here.

Hmm.

How 'bout just a couple
scrambled eggs for the tickets?

We only take cash here, mister.

You are gonna pay
for that coffee, right?

- How 'bout the tickets for the coffee?
- It's $1.20.

Um, I'm about 16 cents short
here.

How 'bout you take that
and the two tickets?

You can keep 'em, honey.

I can't take this shit no more.

Theresa, hey.
Baby, where are you going?

Hey there. Hey there.
Hey there.

Come on, now.
What's your problem?

- What's your problem?
- I can't live like this anymore, Ricky.

Shug, what's the matter?

We're traveling around.

We're seeing new places.

We're rocking it out to the
King.

The places we travel
ain't nowhere I wanna see.

We're broke, hungry,

your car smells like shit
for some reason,

and I'm tired of it.

All right, first of all,
I do not know what that smell is.

And second of all...

this is me, baby.

I'm living the life of the King.

And I ain't giving it up for no
one.

You ain't living the life of the
King.

You don't have his money,
his voice,

or his looks.

Well, there is one thing
that I do have.

And what's that?

Skin without worms
crawling through it.

I'm sorry, King.

Forgive me.

It was my jealousy.

Hold my hand.
Help me.

- King...
- I'm outta here, Ricky.

Outta here?
Where are you going?

You're 200 miles from anywhere
near anywhere...

I can get around
anywhere I'm at

because I got one thing you
don't.

Oh, yeah?
What's that?

A pussy.

Can't argue with that.

Fine.

Go on.
Get outta here.

You're making a big mistake!

I'll be at the Ramada Express
in no time flat.

They said they'd love
to have me back.

That was eight years ago, Ricky.

They didn't say when!

(ENGINE STARTS)

♪ And I'm feelin' good.

Hello, sir.

Is your soul saved?

Fuck off.

I really gotta work on my
approach.

I'm looking for J.J.

He's in the back.
I'll let him know you're out here.

- Don't bother.
- Hey.

You can't go back there.

Hey!

I said you can't go back there.

Ooh!

Who's J.J.?

- You J.J.?
- Yeah. Who the hell are you?

I told him he couldn't
come back here.

Where'd you get this ring?

What, you a cop?

- No.
- (CHUCKLES)

Then fuck off.

(SCREAMING)

I asked you nicely.

Get off me!
Get off me!

The ring... you gonna tell me
where you got it?

Fuck you!

You're gonna tell me...

where... you got it.

(GROANING)

(SCREAMING)

- (SIZZLING)
- (SCREAMING)

- J.J.: No!
- Two choices:

Tell me where you got
the ring or die.

Okay, okay. It was my uncle.
I stole it from my uncle.

- Your uncle?
- Yeah.

Who is he
and where do I find him?

His name is Ben Thomason.

He lives about a mile
off the highway

on Ivy Street in a gray house
next to a purple house.

(COUNTRY MUSIC
PLAYING OVER RADIO)

(CAR TURNS OFF)

- Can I help you with your bags?
- Jesus Christ!

You scared the piss outta me.

Who are you?

That's not important.

What's important is...

where did you get this?

My ring.

That's mine.
Where'd you get it?

I asked you first.

That's none of your damn
business.

Someone stole it from me
and I want it back.

Well, I'm afraid
you can't have it back.

Somebody stole it from me first.

Now, you wanna tell me
where you got this ring?

You wanna tell me
where you got it?

This is my damn house.

You don't just show up
demanding shit around here.

All right, how about this?

I'll tell you where I got it

and then you tell me
where you got it.

Deal?

Deal.

Like I said,

this ring was taken from me
a long time ago.

But where I got it today
was in a pawn shop.

Your nephew sold it there
after he stole it from you.

J.J.?

I fucking knew it.

Oh, that little bitch.

All right, your turn.

I won it in a poker game
about a year ago.

Really?
From who?

Johnny Shaw.

What can you tell me about him?

He's a good guy.

Gets his haircut at Doc's,
so he's okay by me.

Where does he live?

I answered the question.
I told you where I got the ring.

That was the deal.

I ain't gonna start
giving out information

to some guy who just pops up
at my house.

Now give me the damn ring.

I don't think so.

It's mine.

No, it was my ring first.

And I'm not leaving here

until you tell me where I
can find this Johnny Shaw.

No.

No, you ain't leaving here

until you give me back
my damn ring.

So I guess it's gonna
get ugly, then.

Oh, I reckon.

(COUGHS)

Okay, you son of a bitch...

last chance.

- Where's Johnny?
- (GROANS)

- Fuck you.
- (SIRENS BLARING)

Fuck you!

Stubborn son of a bitch.

...lives by day
and is the King by night.

- Hi.
- Meet Ricky Baldoski...

I'm just living the dream here,
you know.

Okay, you can hold it.
You know...

Just living the dream
and traveling around.

You know, uh,

see people, go places,

like, just rocking it out...

There we go.

There you are, Johnny.

...some of your
big influences are, Ricky.

Well, definitely.
The King, um, King and the King.

- KKK all the way.
- You can catch Ricky...

- Wait, no...
- ...this weekend

performing his tribute
performance to the King.

RICKY: I'd like to just say
one word: God bless America!

CONNIE:
Irwin County Fair.

Back to you, Michael.

(RIFLE COCKS)

(DOOR CREAKING)

(WOMEN MOANING)

(WOMEN'S VOICES OVERLAPPING)
Johnny.

- Yes, Johnny.
- Yes, Johnny.

- Johnny, please give it to me.
- Yes, Johnny.

- (MOANS)
- (REPETITIVE SLAPPING)

- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah.

(CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY)

JOHNNY:
Yeah.

WOMAN:
Yes.

Oh, yes, Johnny.
Oh, yeah.

- Just like that.
- (SLAPPING CONTINUES)

- (WOMAN MOANS)
- WOMAN 2: Harder.

(CONVERSATION CONTINUES)

- RICHARD: Smile, Cyndi.
- Stop, I look terrible.

- You always look beautiful.
- (CAMERA WHIRS)

- (LAUGHS)
- Come on, Cyndi. Do one more.

(MOANING, SLAPPING CONTINUES)

(PANTING)

How you doing, player?

I've been better.

I bet you have.

You wanna put it away, Johnny?

(ZIPPER ZIPS)

You like to go fishing, do you?

When I get the time.

You, uh...

you wanna tell me
why you're in my house

with a gun pointed at my head?

(GROANS)

You wanna tell me
where you got this ring?

I ain't never seen it before.

Really?

Well...

I hear you lost it in a poker
game.

I don't know
what you're talking about.

You don't know
what I'm talking about?

Well, there's a picture of my
wife,

the woman I gave this ring to,

on your refrigerator.

You don't know
what I'm talking about?

Say you don't know what I'm
talking about again, motherfucker.

- Please...
- Say it! Go ahead and fucking say it!

- Pl... please.
- Shut up!

(WHIMPERS)

You wanna tell me
the truth, Johnny?

I... I found a pocketbook.

The ring was in it.
That's all I know.

And the picture?

Was that in the pocketbook, too?

Yeah.

And you decided to just
hang it up on your fridge?

Look, I don't know any more.

I found it. The picture was
pretty, so I hung it up.

I can't tell you nothing more.

Look, if you don't believe me,

you can just go ahead and kill
me.

I'm gonna kill you, Johnny.

Just how long it takes...
that's up to you.

(WOMEN CONTINUE MOANING ON TV)

(SHOUTING)

JOHNNY:
What the hell did you do to me?

(SHOUTING)

(CRIES OUT)

Sometimes a picture really
is worth a thousand words.

Shh.

Check this out.

It's called a flail.

(WHIMPERS)

You know, I'd start with this,

but then I might as well just...

shoot you in the head
with that rifle over there

'cause this would kill you
pretty quick.

Luckily...

I stumbled onto these two items

laying around your house.

Why don't we get creative?

It's simple.

Tell me what happened to my
wife.

"I don't know"
is a bad thing to say, Johnny.

- (TEETH SHATTER)
- (SCREAMING)

This is just the beginning.

We can do this all day.

(GURGLING)

Yes, please.

Please, tell me what you did
with my wife.

Tell me how you raped
and killed her

so I can kill you and I can get
some fucking closure with my life.

(CRYING)

Tell me what you did
to my fucking wife!

And I told you about saying
that.

Don't you fuck with me.

Don't fuck with me.

Don't you fuck with me!

Yes. Yes.

Cyndi... oh, my God.

Baby, it's okay.
It's okay, I'm here.

I'm here, Cyndi.

I'm here, baby.

I'm gonna get you out.

Cyndi.

Come on, Cyndi.

It's me.

It's me, Richard.

Cyndi, it's your husband.
That's it.

Come on, Cyndi.

Take my hand.

That's it.
That's it.

Come on, that's it.

That's it.

Come on.

Come on.
Don't worry, baby.

I'm not gonna let anything
happen to you.

I'm not gonna
let anything happen to you.

- Wait, Cyndi. Cyndi.
- (WHIMPERS)

It's okay. It's okay.

Cyndi.

Come on.

Take my hand.

- I'm gonna take you home now.
- I am home.

What?

Go away.

Cyndi, please, listen to me.

You're not thinking right.

Come on, it's time to go.

Cyndi...

it's me, Richard.

Get out.

Listen to me, Cyndi.

This... I don't know
the term for this,

but I saw it
on television somewhere,

where the...

The victim starts to sympathize
with the captor.

Well, that's what's happened to
you.

You need help.
Just... it's time to go home.

Cyndi, listen to me.
It's time to go home!

Get out!
(GROWLS, HISSES)

You have her caged
like a fucking dog?

Yeah, well, unfortunately,

I haven't been
a man of my word lately.

- (GRUNTS)
- (WEAPON THUDS)

(FLESH SQUELCHING)

How do you like this?

- (BLOWS LANDING)
- RICHARD: You son of a bitch!

She's my wife! My wife!

My ever-loving wife,
you son of a bitch!

(FLAIL WHIPPING, LANDS)

Who's the bitch now?

Get out.
Come on, we're going.

I'm gonna get you help.

Come on.

- Let's go.
- (GASPS)

I'm sorry, baby.
I'm sorry.

It's just you're not...
You're not thinking straight.

I can't even imagine
what you've been through.

But, please...

you gotta trust me.

You trusted me before.

All right, you ready?

Let's go.

- I can't leave.
- What?

I'm number one.

Number one?

I'm number one.
I... I've got my own silo.

And Johnny lets me go in
and watch TV sometimes.

There's others?

Yeah?

Yeah, but...
I... I'm number one.

Come on, let's go.

- I can't...
- Come on.

What the fuck did he do to you?

(LOCK CLICKS, KEYS RATTLE)

(CAGE DOOR OPENING)

Oh.

It's okay.

Come on.

(GRUNTS)
Get you outta here.

Come on.
Out.

There's soap and hot water
in the house.

Call for help.

You're free to go
back to your lives.

CYNDI:
They cannot go in the house.

I'm number one

and I'm not even allowed
to use the phone.

Well, it's time to go.

I can't go.

Get in the car, would ya?

Do you even remember me?

Well, then you know
I'm not gonna hurt you.

Come on, it's time to go.

I'm gonna get you some clothes.

But for now...

I'm... I'm not allowed
to wear clothes.

Hey, you're allowed to do
whatever you want.

You're not a slave and
neither are those other women.

Put...

You shouldn't have let them
in his house.

They're not allowed, just me.

Twice a week for 30 minutes.

Stop saying that!

Hey...

(SIGHS)
Look.

Cyndi...

do you remember this?

This ring?

This is the ring
that I had made for you.

This is the ring
that you used to wear.

You won't believe how I found
it.

I was with...

Well, I wound up in a pawn
shop...

and there it was.

It was like God brought me
there.

Give me your hand.

(ENGINE STARTS)

♪ Time and love

♪ They don't ever get along

♪ At all...

♪ Time and love...

We should call Johnny
and let him know where I'm at

because I... I really shouldn't
be gone for too long.

Cyndi,

Johnny's dead.

What?

You don't have to worry
about him anymore.

He's dead.

- Wait, what?
- You're safe with me.

How did he die?

Cyndi, I stabbed him in the
chest.

I watched him take his last breath
as he whimpered like a little bitch.

You... you killed him?

Yeah, that's right,
I killed him.

I only wish he was still alive
so I could kill him again.

Bastard.

Who's a ba... I'm a bastard?

I'm a bastard?

Aw, Cyndi, come on.

He had you living in a cage

filled with your own piss and
shit

for six years.

And I'm the bastard?

Oh, he let you watch TV
a couple times a week?

Well, I bought you a goddamn TV

and a house

and every other goddamn thing
you wanted, Cyndi.

(GROANS)

I don't believe this.

I'm a bastard?

Look, I'm sorry.

I can't even imagine, pumpkin,
what you've been through.

- You son of a bitch!
- (GROANS)

Motherfucker!

You killed Johnny,
you motherfucker!

I was at the top of the pyramid!
Now I'm going to be nothing, like you!

- Stop it, Cyndi!
- Do you know how many other girls

I had to piss on to get on top
of that fucking pyramid,

- you son of a bitch?
- I love you! Ah!

(ALL YELLING)

♪ I thought I knew the score.

(COUGHING)

(WHEEZING)

(GROANING)

(COUGHING)

(TOUCH-TONES BEEPING)

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

Hey, babe.
It's me.

What the hell do you want?

I think I made a big mistake.

How about turning around
and picking me up?

We can still make it to Orlando
in time for our reservation.

- (COUGHS)
- Richard...

fuck you!

But, babe...

Babe?

I should've seen that coming.

♪ No, I'm never gonna fall

♪ In love

♪ Please don't make me

♪ Fall in love

♪ Again...

- Oh man.
- ♪ That's why I'm singin'

♪ Oh...

Come on, sug.
Come on, baby.

Come on.
Good girl.

Good girl.
Good girl.

Hang in there.
Son of a... oh.

No, no, no.
No, no, not now.

Not... not now.
No, no, please, please.

Come on.
I'm begging you, sweetheart.

Come on.

Baby, forgive me.

- (ENGINE KNOCKS)
- Oh, come on, baby.

I'm just saying, if you're gonna
build a robot that speaks English

to go back in time to kill
people, why give it an accent?

That just don't make sense to
me.

- ♪ Again.
- Come on, baby.

What in the blue hell
is you talking about?

Arnold Schwarzenegger
is from Austria.

Austria, Australia,

it's the same thing
without the "alia."

- (DOORBELL CHIMING)
- Hello.

Hi there.

Who are you supposed to be,
Liberace?

(CHUCKLES)
Heck, no.

I do a little tribute show to
the King.

- That's right.
- Uh-huh.

Going back to the county fair.

Gonna be a big show.
Big, big show.

- I'm doing two shows tonight.
- (FLIES BUZZING)

- (SNIFFS) - And one on
Saturday and one Sunday.

And there's gonna be a big news show
on it and everything on Channel 7.

Now, listen.

I'm a little strapped right now

'cause they don't pay me out
till Monday.

(BLOWS)

Well, what do you want?

You want to pawn that suit?

Heck, no.

- 'Cause I was gonna say...
- No, no, no, no, no.

The thing is I...

I would,
on principle only,

never perform without this

because this, my friend,

belonged to the King himself.

- Elvis Presley?
- Mm-hmm.

Bullshit.

If I'm lyin', I'm dyin'.

24-karat gold.

What do you say?
Take a look?

Let's see.

I don't care if it belonged to
Ronald McDonald as long as it's gold.

What do you need?

Um, I'll take, say...

- 200?
- I can swing that.

All right, then.

Uh... very good.

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

You... you take good care of my
baby.

Damn, that's no good.

No, no, no.
Can't have that in the show.

I need a barber shop.

Where's a barber shop at?

(SNIFFS)

Fans.

This town is loco.

Well, with a name like Doc's,
you can't go wrong.

- (CHEERS)
- (GROANS)

- Good afternoon.
- How you doing?

Have a seat.

These gentlemen ain't doing
anything but wasting time.

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

Okay.

Now then, I don't need a cut.

I just want you to even up
these here sideburns.

That's an awful lot of hair.
You sure you don't want a trim?

Oh, no.
It's perfect for the show.

The show?

Oh, what are you, in the circus?

No, no.
I'm in the county fair.

Oh.

What are you, the magician?

No. I ain't no magician.

I do a tribute show.

DOC:
A tribute... what's that?

You show people
how to sew sequins on outfits?

- (CLIPPERS BUZZING)
- Pshh.

I don't show people
how to put sequins...

- Hey!
- (BUZZING STOPS)

What the hell?!

What do you think you're doing?

I'm cutting your hair.

I told you to even out my
sideburns.

You nearly took this flap right
off.

Son, I don't know how they
cut hair in the big city,

- but here, that's it.
- I'm from South Carolina.

- Sweet Jesus, I'm outta here.
- Hey, you owe me $12.

You...
(GRUNTS)

One for the money.

Two for the show.

10 for a lousy haircut.

You know what?
I'll take some of that to go.

(GRUNTS)

- MAN: I can't believe he chose Doc's.
- WOMAN: Oh, he's gonna regret that.

- Hey.
- Hi. Hey there.

- Welcome to Irwin.
- Thank you.

So you are a Doc man, huh?

Hell, no!

Look what he done to me.
He butchered me.

I'm gonna try Cook's.
(MUTTERING)

(CROWD MURMURING)

- Looks like Doc can't cut the mustard.
- (CLAMORING)

Howdy.

Good afternoon.

Have a seat.

These old-timers
are just wasting time.

(CHUCKLES)

Looks like some commotion's
going on out there, huh?

Yeah, looks to me
like the loony boon...

Loony tune bin just dropped off
a bunch of mental patients

on a field trip or something
there.

So what are you,
some kind of magician?

No, I'm not a magician.

Say, do you have a TV?
Do you know what time it is?

Could you put on...

(TV TURNS ON)

CONNIE:
...the King by night.

- Hi.
- Meet Ricky Baldoski.

He's a volunteer emergency
medical service technician by day

and, as you can
probably guess,

does Elvis tribute
performances by night.

- (CHUCKLES)
- So, Ricky, tell us

- a little bit about yourself.
- Uh-huh.

Well, now, looks like
we got ourselves

a celebrity in the house, huh?

Pssh, come on now.
I'm just glad to be here.

Just glad to be here.

You know, I actually was a little bit
nervous during that there interview.

They asked a lot of questions
and everything,

but I had my sign up.
I think that just...

What in the Hades
is going on out there?

Looks like a riot.

I don't mean no offense
or anything like that,

but there's something a little
bit whacko about this town.

The oyster brain next door,

I asked him just to even up
my sideburns

and, son of a gun,

- he just chopped this side...
- Excuse me.

- You went next door first?
- Yes.

Do I look like sloppy seconds
to you, boy?

You decide to be a Doc man,
you stay a Doc man.

I ain't no second choice.

Sir, I just asked him
to even up my burns

because one of them's a little
higher than the other one

and he cut half of it off.

Now if you could be so kind to
just please trim this one so it...

(GASPS, SCREAMS)

You... what the heck?

That'll be $12.

You cut me?

Y'all are cuckoo in this town.
Whacky crazy.

Oh, we're whackos, huh?

You come in here in your fancy
suit and your boufed-up hairdo

and you can't even figure out what
barber you want to cut your hair.

We don't care for you
Hollywood types around here.

I am from South
nutter-butter-lovin' Carolina.

I don't care
where you're from. Get!

(GRUNTS)

Get out of my way!

Out of my way!

(CAR ENGINE STARTS)

Thank you.

- MAN: ♪ I was figgin' by the river...
♪ - (GUITAR PLAYING)

♪ And I seen a reflection of a
man ♪

♪ I swore it was the devil

♪ When he reached out
his sun-scorched hand... ♪

Good evening, sir.

Hello.

You're not from around here,
are you?

Heck, no.

Bunch of psychos in this town.

You caused some kind of
commotion up at the barber shops.

What kind of whacko town only lets
you get your haircut in one place?

Well, that's just the way it is.

You're either a Cook man
or you a Doc man.

Everything needs its balance

and you done come along here
and unbalanced everything.

Huh.

Okay.

Can I ask you a question?

(SNAPS FINGERS)
Shoot.

You ever feel lost?

Sometimes.

You ever feel like

you're giving life
everything you got,

but you just can't get
to where you want to be?

Who are you,

some kind of mind reader
or something like that?

What if I could help you find

what you're looking for?

What if I could put you in that
place

that you've always wanted to be
in?

What if by just saying
one little bitty word,

that I could grant you everything
that you've ever really wanted?

You see, these things on Earth,
they can be grand...

but they can only
truly be achieved one way

and that's with your soul.

♪ He walked me to the crossroad
♪

♪ Tear shed from my eye

♪ 'Cause I knew what he was
after ♪

♪ And it was time for me to
die... ♪

Well?

What do you say?

Excuse me a moment.

(CELL PHONE BEEPS, RINGS)

- WOMAN: Hello?
- Mama.

- Who's that? Ricky?
- Mama.

- Is that you?
- Mama, it's me.

- Where you calling from?
- Listen, Mama.

(SIGHS)
I think I just met the devil.

- Satan? I knew it.
- He wants to make a deal.

Playing that devil music,
Satan was bound to find you!

- Mom, calm down.
- Elvis Presley died young.

- Mama, I know that the King died young.
- On the toilet full of drugs.

Eating a grilled peanut butter
and banana sandwich.

- That man, he was a disgrace.
- Mama, he had a better life

here on Earth
than anyone ever did.

- I knew darn well the reason why.
- Singing the devil's music.

- It's because he sold his soul.
- Ricky, now you come home this minute.

- Mama, I haven't taken...
- Your soul is not for sale.

- And you tell him I said so.
- I'm gonna think about it

- and I'll call you back.
- Ricky, now you get your tail...

Um...

well, uh...

thank you very much
for your offer.

Um... I will give it
some consideration.

I'm gonna need a little bit of
time.

I understand.

Listen, I got this show to get
to

and, uh,

I should be on my way.

Maybe you'd like to come?

Bye for now.

I'll be around.

You make up your mind,
I'll be easy to find.

(TIRES SCREECH)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ Forever...

Such bullshit.
Doc sucked 30 years ago

- and he sucks still now.
- ♪ Forever...

Yeah, whatever, man.
Have you looked in the mirror?

Your hair's so gappy,
it looks like you've got the mange.

I wouldn't let Doc trim the hair
on my dog's balls.

Thank you, ladies.

And thank you,
ladies and gentlemen,

for coming out to see our show

here at the Irwin County Fair.

I'm Jerry Cleveland.

This show has been brought to you
by Jerry Cleveland Enterprises.

Now, next up

is the closest thing you'll ever
get

to hearing the King himself
alive.

Please welcome Ricky Baldoski.

MAN:
He had his haircut at Cook's.

Ricky Baldoski.

(MICROPHONE FEEDBACK RINGING)

I said, please welcome

Ricky Baldoski.

(SHEEP BLEATING)

(ELECTRIC SHAVER BUZZING)

(BRAYING)

MAN:
Hey, man, it's the magician.

MAN 2:
Hey, get your hair cut.

MAN 3:
You know Doc invented scissors.

MAN 4: Yeah?
Cook invented the bowl cut.

(MICROPHONE FEEDBACK RINGS)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

WOMAN:
This guy stinks!

MAN:
Get off the stage!

(FABRIC TEARS)

(FIREWORK WHISTLES)

(MICROPHONE FEEDBACK RINGS)

(MUSIC FADES)

(PEOPLE ARGUING)

Oh, I'm sorry, Ricky.

- We'll have it looked at.
- Everything's fine, Ricky.

MAN:
You suck, son!

MAN 2:
Go home, Liberace!

I accept your offer.

Now what?

(ELECTRICITY BUZZING)

- Did your soundtrack go out, baby?
- That's right.

- Need some backup?
- I certainly do.

♪ Amazing grace

♪ How sweet the sound

♪ That saved

♪ A wretch like me

♪ I once was lost

♪ But now am found

♪ Was blind

♪ But now I see

♪ 'Twas grace that taught

♪ Taught my heart to fear

♪ And grace

♪ My fears relieved

♪ How precious

♪ Did, oh, did that grace appear
♪

♪ The hour

♪ I first

♪ Believed

- ♪ Amazing grace...
- Oh, my God.

♪ How sweet the sound...

What the...

You can't walk around here
like that... naked.

Give me the flags.

Wait. Please, stop.

Cover yourselves.

♪ And grace

- ♪ Will lead us home...
- That's better. There.

There.

Mm. That's it.

- ♪ Amazing grace...
- This will make you warm.

♪ How sweet the sound

♪ That saved a wretch

♪ Like me

♪ I once

♪ Was lost

♪ But now am found

♪ Was blind

♪ But now I see

♪ When we've been here

♪ 10,000 years

♪ Bright shining

♪ As the sun

♪ We've no less days

♪ For to sing God's praise

♪ Than when

♪ We first begun...

(LAUGHING)

BACKGROUND SINGERS:
♪ Through many dangers

- ♪ Toils and snares...
- Hey.

- Here, honey. Pretty girl.
- ♪ We have already...

With a funky smell.

♪ Become

♪ 'Tis grace that brought

♪ Oh, brought me safe thus far

♪ And grace will lead...

- (SNIFFS)
- ♪ Us home...

Oh, honey, you smell a little
ripe.

♪ Amazing grace...

- Yeah, you damn right I do.
- ♪ How sweet

♪ Sweet the sound

♪ How sweet, sweet the sound

♪ That saved a wretch

♪ Like me

♪ Oh, Lord

♪ I once was lost

♪ But now am found

♪ Was blind

♪ But now I see

♪ Was blind

- ♪ But now I see.
- (FIREWORKS EXPLODING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

Thank you.
Thank you very much!

How you doing, county?

Anybody order some fireworks?

MAN:
Liberace. I love you, man!

(LAUGHS) Shucks,
I'm just glad to be here.

Hey, listen, man,
it was worth every minute.

Every single minute!

I just got one thing to say,
that's God bless America

and long live the King!

(CROWD CHEERING)

(MASK SQUEAKS)

(CROWD CHANTING)
Elvis! Elvis! Elvis!

(CLEVELAND LAUGHS)
The King lives on.

- That was amazing.
- Well, thank you, sir.

- Thank you very much.
- Just amazing.

Thank you, sir!
Thank you very, very much.

Say, I just wanted to ask you.
What's with these here flag ladies?

They done smell like shit.

(SNIFFS) I thought they
were with your show.

Oh, that's right.
They are part of my deal.

- Yeah, I bring them along with me.
- Speaking of deals,

how would you like to join
Jerry Cleveland Enterprises?

We do shows for county fairs

in eight states
throughout the Southeast.

And it pays.

Why, yes, sir, I would.
I would, indeed.

Yes, I would! I would!
Thank you very much, sir.

I made it!
I made it!

- Hey, handsome.
- Howdy.

I caught your show.
I was pretty impressed.

Well, thank you.
Thank you very much.

So listen, I'm sorry
about all that stuff I said.

- Are you now?
- Let's get outta here.

- Where we gonna go?
- Let's go home, baby.

I am home. This is my home.
That's my home.

Open road is my home

'cause I'm signed on with
Jerry Cleveland Enterprises.

I may be doing at least
eight shows a week.

I'm gonna get paid money.
Real money.

- Whoo!
- You're just gonna leave me here?

That's right.
Like you done did to me.

I'm just gonna leave you right
here.

But you're gonna be
just fine, sweetheart.

You know why?
'Cause you got something that I don't.

- What's that?
- A kitty cat. Whoo!

Well, I can find a man

and a place to stay in five
minutes.

All right. Whoa. Nothing.
That's freaky.

Okay.
Take all the time you need!

I hear you're looking
for a place to stay.

I've got an open spot
if you need a few days

to get your feet back on the
ground.

Well, thank you.

I think I just might
have to take you up on that.

Are you okay?

What happened to you?

Just a little accident.

(SNAPS FINGERS) Ladies,
I've been looking for you.

Why don't you go and get in the
van?

Don't worry.
You can ride up front.

(LATEX GLOVE SNAPS)

What do you mean
you ain't never ate a tater tot?

JOHNSON:
I don't believe in them.

Believe in them...

Christ's name.

Some people don't believe in God
or the tooth fairy.

You think you have the right to
dismiss the existence of tater tots.

Every freezer section, every grocery
across this nation has tater tots.

I do not believe in eating
processed potatoes.

Well, ain't that something?

Sometimes you come in here eating
pickled pig's ass out of a jar.

But now... now you too good
for tater tots.

- Now I've heard everything.
- Oh.

You know what?

Speaking of pickled pig's ass...

I'd better be getting on home

before my old lady
get to raising sand.

Go on, now.

Okay, then.
I'll see you in the morning.

God willing.

(DOORBELL CHIMES)

- Hi there.
- How can I help you today?

Hi. How can I help you?

I'm just looking for a baseball
bat.

Yeah, I got one of them.

I don't know.
It's here somewhere.

I got one of them right here.

That's the one I got.
It's the only one I got.

Right there.
That'll be $7.

Yeah?
This should work.

- Yep.
- Yeah.

- Take a look at my truck out there.
- Oh.

You like it?

Hey, whoa...

You think you can
just get rid of your car

and I wouldn't be able to find
ya?

There's only, like, five people
in this whole town!

- You got to understand something...
- (YELLS)

Oh! Don't do that. Shit!

- (DOORBELL CHIMES)
- Nobody flips me...

Get off!

- Oh, shit! Ow.
- (SHOVEL CLATTERS)

- Shit.
- (GROANING)

- Oh, you sick little midget.
- (GUN COCKS)

Oh, no, no, no, no.
Don't do it, Alton.

- Hell, you...
- He ain't worth going to prison for.

If I bury him deep enough,
nobody will know better.

Come on, man.
Ain't you never seen "Forensics Files"?

They can find molecules
of your ass hair

and poop on stuff
I ain't even heard of before.

- What the hell are you talking about?
- I don't know.

I just know that
they always find the killer.

Don't do it.
Come on.

You get your ass outta here.

All right?

Unless you got a piece
of yellow brick road to pawn,

don't you come back
around here again.

Fine.

I'm three weeks late for a
business meeting in Atlanta

because of you anyway.

(YELLS)

(DOORBELL CHIMES)

- Oh, Jesus.
- Damn.

What in the hell was that about?

It's a long story.

I gave him the finger.

He's been stalking me ever
since.

Well, I guess it's a short
story.

- Shit.
- (DEATH METAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, how much
you give me on this?

Uh... let me see.

I'll give you 40.

Sold.

Here.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(DOORBELL CHIMES)

♪ Left my coat and left my hat

♪ Went down to the river

♪ Sat at her bed

♪ I laid down, opened my eyes

♪ Prayed to the heavens
and yelled at the skies ♪

♪ Yelled at the sky

♪ I'm staring at the rain above
me ♪

♪ Down the barrel of a gun

♪ Praying for the gods to love
me ♪

♪ Praying for someone to love

♪ Can I get someone to love?

♪ Ooh, yeah, yeah

♪ Ooh, yeah, yeah

♪ Ooh, yeah, yeah

♪ I'm staring at the rain above
me ♪

♪ Down the barrel of a gun

♪ Praying for the gods to love
me ♪

♪ Praying for someone to love

♪ I'm looking at the river,
down the barrel of a gun ♪

♪ Now I'm leaving
all my cares behind me ♪

♪ Leaving all my world's desires
♪

♪ When they come
and try to find me ♪

♪ There won't be no me to find

♪ 'Cause I'm moving up the river
♪

♪ Down the barrel of a gun

- ♪ Now I'm looking up
the river ♪ - ♪ Yeah, yeah

♪ Now I'm looking up the river

- ♪ Yeah, yeah - ♪ Yeah,
I'm looking up the river ♪

- ♪ Yeah, yeah - ♪ Now
I'm looking up the river ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, ooh

♪ Ooh, yeah, yeah

♪ 'Cause I'm looking up the
river ♪

♪ Down the barrel of a gun.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

where'd these stanky ladies
in the flags come from?

They smell like something that done
flew out of a defecation device.

I thought they were with your
show.

So where'd all these

stanky skanky flag ladies
come from?

They smell like something
that fell out of that goat.

Say, can you tell me, who are all
these ladies wrapped up in flags?

'Cause they smell like
someone yawned in Technicolor.

- I've got a question to ask you.
- Yes, sir.

Why are all these naked ladies
wearing flags

and why do they smell like
doody?

You know what?
I got something that you don't.

- What's that?
- A tutti-frutti! Whoo!

I got me a star-spangled
blammer!

- Yeah!
- (CROWD CHEERS)

A Yankee doodle dandy.
Whoo!

I got me a whop-bop-a-loo-bop
a-wham-bam-boom.

And I'ma leave you here.
And I think that you should be careful.

You should be careful,
young missy.

'Cause something that go
bump in the night gonna climb up

your little scoochy-cooch
and it's gonna find its way

into that thing
that you got that I don't.

- Hello, my lovely...
- (CROWD CHEERS)

We gonna fuckin'...

kick your ass, Lamar.

MAN:
All right, Paul, let's...

(LAUGHS)

PAUL:
Somebody could have said

- let's dial it back.
- MAN: Wow.

Let's dial it...
(LAUGHS)

This gurgling,
this ain't exactly normal.

I ain't taking his ass nowhere
and getting locked up. He's okay.

- (GURGLING)
- We can't just leave him here.

- Look at that.
- (LAUGHS) Sorry.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

- (LAUGHING)
- MAN: Okay, let's reset.

Get another one.
That was great, too.

I'm sorry, I lost it.
I... I'm a fucking bastard.

It's not gonna be funny
when I really kill ya.

It's not gonna be...
It's not funny now,

but I don't know
why it made me... okay. Shh.

- Okay, we haven't turned around yet.
- Are we turning around?

Fuck.
I'm sorry I lost it.

No, it's okay.

MAN:
And cut.

- (COUGHING)
- All right, cut, cut, cut.

Gross!

First carousel?

- MAN: Cut.
- (LAUGHING)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

- (WOMAN MOANING)
- (MAN GRUNTING, PANTING)

THERESA: Oh, Johnny,
you're the best.

(LATEX GLOVE SNAPS)