Paternity (1981) - full transcript

A single man searches for a woman who will bear his baby with no strings attached.



Morning, Mr. Evans.
Morning, Jim.


♪ Papa says Dada ♪

♪ Baby says Dada, too ♪

♪ Mama goes gaga ♪

♪ Baby goes goo-goo-goo ♪

♪ Now, that's hardly
fancy phraseology ♪

♪ And yet it's understood ♪

♪ A little baby talk
works real good ♪

♪ Papa waves bye-bye ♪

♪ Baby waves bye-bye, too ♪

♪ Mama says don't cry ♪

♪ Baby goes boo-hoo-hoo ♪

♪ You could spend your life ♪

♪ In child psychology ♪

♪ You wouldn't find a clue ♪

♪ But plain as can be ♪

♪ A little baby talk
sees you through ♪

♪ Baby ♪

♪ If we eliminate
words that keep us apart ♪

♪ Then maybe ♪

♪ We could communicate
face to face ♪

♪ And heart-to-heart ♪

♪ Time to say night-night ♪

♪ Mama say night-night, too ♪

♪ Papa tells Mama ♪

♪ Baby, it's only me ♪

♪ And you ♪


♪ Let's make nice-nice now ♪

♪ And let biology ♪

♪ Step in and save the day ♪

♪ Eventually, another baby
may come to stay ♪

♪ Obviously ♪

♪ A little baby talk
paved the way ♪






Forty-four and still
going strong, huh?

I feel almost 43.

You look good.
I'll tell you that.

You tell Rudy...
The sign was my idea.
Do you like it?

Take it down.
I knew you'd like it.

I'll take it down.

Living alone all these years
has made you cranky.

You can't spend
your birthday alone.

Why don't you let Betty
and I take you out tonight?

It's later than you think.

Good morning, Mr. Evans.
Morning, Jerry.

Forty-four, your age,
is when it hit me.

What hit ya?
My mortality.

Your what?
My mortality.
Hit me like a brick.

Hey, Mr. Evans,
what's the line-up
of the game tonight?

The Jets in two, Carlos.
CARLOS: Great.

He used to be a
fighter. Lightweight.

Yeah, well, he's
a good middleweight.

Good middle-weight?
He's 44.

I woke up one morning,
I said,

"Kurt, stand up,
look around you.

"The world is changing."

The pitcher's going
out to the mound

in a God damn golf cart.

Yes, sir, a man has
gotta have something

to leave behind him when
he goes, am I right?


Here you are,
my best friend.

You manage
Madison Square Garden,

you're popular,
I used to feel inferior.

Then it dawned on me.
What dawned on you?

"Kurt," I said,
"Hell, you've got
a beautiful home,

"you got one
terrific family.

"What more could
a man want?"

A nice home,
a nice family.

What do you got? You've got
an apartment and plants.

What kind of life is that?

Yesiree, I got one
wonderful family.

By the way, if you see
my son this afternoon,

tell him I'm still alive.

Happy birthday,
Mr. Evans.
Thank you.

A lot of people
have nothing like you.


Hi, big guy.
Hi, little guy.

Happy birthday.
Oh, thank you.

Mail, phone calls,

and the network people
are in your office.

Remember me?
I live with your mother.

"Dad," right?



I think that just
about sums it up.

The film speaks for itself.

See? The sport's

I've got an
11:00 appointment.

Why don't you talk
to Kurt here?
And, of course,

we can show slap shot
for between periods.

You can run
the film again.

Why don't we
run the film again?

He has an 11:00
appointment, apparently.



Ross passes to Michelle,

Michelle crosses
the blue line.

He shoots. He scores!

Well, there you are.

It's just not convincing.

And to be frank,
it's Mr. Evans' input
we came here to get.

Well, I'll be frank
with you, gentlemen.

Mr. Evans
is a very pressured man.

I mean, you're very lucky

he's fit you into his
schedule like this.

after his time,

politicians, religious
leaders, corporate giants.

Feed me, big guy.

All right. There we go.

Good shot. Go over there.

(CHUCKLES) Feed me.

So, how old are you?


What do you mean, "Wow"?

Maybe you'd
better sit down.

I'm in great shape.
What are you talking about?

I never knew anyone
who was 44 before.

Your dad's got friends
that are 44 or older.


Maybe I'm missing
something in life.

May I ask you a question?

Do I seem, uh,
incomplete to you?

I had a teacher,
Mr. Collins, he was 43.

Is he complete?
No. He's dead.

He died of a heart attack.

Went just like that, bingo.




WOMAN: Evans?
Right over there.

There. They're inside.
Come on.

♪ It's your birthday today ♪

♪ And everybody here's
gotta say, hey ♪

♪ 'Cause it's
your birthday today ♪

♪ So make a wish ♪

♪ Blow out the candles ♪

♪ Have a big piece of cake ♪

♪ 'Cause you don't have
any love handles ♪

♪ It's your birthday today ♪

♪ And everybody
here's gotta say ♪

♪ Hey, it's your
birthday today ♪

Very nice.

♪ Your wife will
make that special meal ♪

♪ Your kids will
bring your slippers ♪

♪ What a lucky guy,
what a family ♪

♪ Especially those
little nippers ♪

Very talented.
Thank you very much.

♪ So sing and dance ♪

♪ Jump and shout, whoo! ♪

♪ It's your birthday today ♪

All right.
I'm not married.

Oh. Oh. Okay, uh...

So, uh...

♪ Go on out now and
find that wonderful girl ♪

♪ You're only 44 ♪

♪ Hey, you got
plenty of time ♪

♪ Hurry up! What are
you waiting for? ♪

♪ It's your birthday today ♪

♪ And everybody
here's gotta say ♪

♪ Hey, that it's
your birthday ♪

Come on, everybody!

♪ Talk about your birthday ♪

♪ It's your birthday ♪

Is anybody singing?
♪ To... ♪



So what's bothering
your Buddy?

He thinks
he's getting old.

He's got nothing
to leave behind

that says, "Buddy Evans
was here."

Oh. Pretty girl.

We don't say pretty anymore.
That's sexist.

Now we say she's got
good bone structure.

You should know.
You're a doctor.

I think the problem is he
has nothing to leave behind.

There's nothing to say,
"Buddy Evans was here."

Doesn't look too good either.
Why don't you come in?
I'll give you a physical.

I came in last week.
You did?

Yeah. You said I looked
fine, fit as a fiddle.

"Fit as a fiddle?"
I never said "Fit as
a fiddle" in my life.

You ever hear me
"Fit as a fiddle"?

Maybe he didn't say that.
He said I looked fine.

You know something?
I've got nothing
to leave behind.

Nothing to say that
Buddy Evans was here.

That's a good point.

Maybe the problem is he's
basically a cold person.

He's not really
a cold person.

Kids like him.
Yeah, kids like me,
don't they?

My kid likes you.
So what's missing?

Maybe he should get married,
like the rest of us.

Married? Buddy? No way.
I'm not gonna get married.

He can't live with anyone.

He could try.
Buddy, look, look.

Of all the guys I know,

you're the one guy
who has everything.

No wife, no kids,
no house, no mortgage.

What else could
you ask for?

I don't know.
I envy you.

(LAUGHS) Just relax.
Take two aspirin.
Call me in the morning.

Take the rest
of the day off.

I like your
bone structure.

There's a $2 minimum.

What, David? No, no,
that's not an alligator.

Now, you see, there's
the daddy bird up there.

And there's the mommy
bird in the nest there.

She sits on the eggs
until they hatch.

Some animals, boys and girls,
like the earthworm,

can either be a mommy
or a daddy, depending
on who they meet.

Just like my uncle Barry.

It takes all kinds.

That's for sure.

Some wild animals,
boys and girls,

have interesting
mating habits.

For instance, when we go
back to the zoo,

you'll see the emu bird.

Now, the emu
is a fascinating bird,

because the mommy
just lays the eggs.

And she leaves them there
for the daddy to hatch,

and raise, all by himself.

Now, does anyone
know what we call

a kind of mommy that
just produces offspring

and leaves them for
someone else to raise?

I'd call her lucky.
And smart.

MAN: We call that mother
a surrogate mother.

All right, now just
follow me here.

You? A son?


Oh, come on.

That's the whole point.

I want to have a child,
an heir, you know.

And who will you get
to play the mother
in this little comedy?

Don't you read
the papers?

I'm the most eligible
bachelor in town.

As a bachelor, you
might be eligible,

but, as a husband...


I don't know.

I don't think anybody's ever
gonna stay married to you.

Well, I'm not
getting married.

I'm hiring
a surrogate mother.

I'll raise the child
myself, like the emu.

Say what?

That's a bird,

and the male
raises the offspring.

You can't live with anyone,
child, woman or emu.

You are the original
Mr. Perfection.

Pencils on the desk,
books on the shelf,

Socks in the right-hand
side of the drawer.

Well, I admit that I am
perfect in some ways,

but there's something
missing in my life.

I mean, when I leave,
what's to say

that Buddy Evans was here?


What's the matter
with that plant?

It's dying.

$500 plants don't die.

Then we'll just say
it's passing away.


I love children.

Somebody else's.

Who don't?

Besides, you a cold fish.

You mean 'cause
I don't go around

hugging people
all the time?

That's exactly what I mean.

I have inner warmth.

You could have
fooled me.

Hello, baby.

Hello, my little baby.

You see, this one
is healthy.

You're gonna raise
this kid all alone?

It's now. It's contemporary.
Can't you see that?

I can see legal problems.
That's what I can see.

Why don't you just adopt?

Because I want a kid
of my own, thank you.

It's not gonna work.
Of course, it's gonna work.

You just draw up the contract,
you spell everything out.

Let's talk about
her qualifications.

She's got to be perfect,
that's all.

Beautiful, intelligent, clean.

Who's going to find
this mystery lady?

We are.

Come on, buddy, no
woman is gonna do this.

A woman will do this.

We just have to find
her, that's all.

Miss, excuse me.
You have a minute?

Me and my colleagues here
are having an argument.

We need a female opinion.
An honest opinion.

We have this friend...

Distant friend.
Distant friend.

Who would like
to have a son.

But he doesn't want
to get married.

Why not? Is he gay?

No, he's not gay.
He's not gay.

See, the question is,
do you feel, as a woman,

you feel, as a woman, that
you could carry the child

of a man who
wasn't your husband?

Why not? Having a baby's
just a biological function.

See? There you are.

A rational young lady.

Let's get back to the
qualifications, right?

She shouldn't
be too short.

Oh, Celia says she should
have healthy breasts.

I agree with Celia.

WOMAN: Maggie! Up here!

I've been
waiting for you.

You've got a letter
from France.

Here. Wait here.
Don't go away.

Just wait right there.

I can't open it.
Open it.

Oh, no, I can't open it.

Open it.


I got it.

You got it?

Oh, Maggie,
that's wonderful!
You've been accepted.

She's going to Paris
and studying with Devereux.

I can't go.

He's the best brass
teacher in the world.

I can't go.
When do you go?

Cathy, I can't go.

What do you mean,
you can't go?

Where am I gonna get
this kind of money?

We're talking big money here.

I've got to get there.
I've got to pay tuition.

There's living expenses.
I couldn't work
if I'm studying.

I don't think I have
this kind of money.

How much do you need?
More than I've got.

What about the job
at the restaurant?

You can't go
to France on tips.

I'd have to give lessons
to every brat in the city.

But you can do it.
I know you.

If anyone can do it,
you can do it.

I've got a class.
I gotta go.



Au revoir.

You can do it.


Diane Cassabello?
In there.

Hey, you. You can't
go in there like that.

Why not?
You gotta wear a coat.

I can't wear this.

Sorry, pal. It's state law.

For hygiene.

Diane Cassabello around?

Coming through.

(GRUNTS) Thanks, Mario.


Hi! How are you?

Fine. You working
here now?

Yeah. Just for
a couple of days.

Thatcher's Temporary
Service sent me here.

Tomorrow I work
at Tiffany's. (COUGHS)

What are you
doing here?
Um, well...

I came to see you.

Oh, Buddy, this is Mario.

Hi, Mario.


Is there somewhere
we can we go and talk,
where it's a little quieter?

Buddy, I can't.
I'm working.

But I have something
very important to tell you.

Didn't we have a
wonderful time together?


We had a terrible
time together.

Sure, at the end
of the relationship, yes.

But, in the beginning,
it was wonderful.

It was only a week.

Yeah, but Monday and
Tuesday were terrific.

(GIGGLES) Buddy?

I want you to have my baby!
I want you to be the mother
of my son!


You want to marry me?


I don't want to marry you.
I just want you to be
a surrogate mother.

I mean, Buddy, I mean,
you're the most el...


Eligible bachelor
in the city.

You could have anybody.

Of course, but...
Of course,

I don't want a chorus girl
for the mother of my baby.

Well, why me?
You're the first person
I thought of

when I thought
about having a baby.

You're gentle, and
you're sensitive,

And you're the most
vulnerable person...

God, that's disgusting!

Buddy... I'm sorry.

I mean, I think that
you're a great guy.

And I think that you have
a fabulous sense of humor.

And I'm sure that
somebody is gonna wanna
have a baby for you.

But it's not me.

Maybe we should go...

It was great seeing
you again, Buddy.

Great seeing you again.


KURT: So Diane's
the lucky woman, eh?

Diane's involved
with a butcher.

But, Connie, that's the
woman I'm seeing tonight.

She's, uh, she's something.

I mean, absolutely
gorgeous, and...

She's gonna relate
to what I'm asking.


KURT: So Connie's
the lucky woman, eh?

BUDDY: Connie's not as
serious as she used to be,

but, Emily, the one
i'm seeing this afternoon...

I tell ya, I got
a hunch about her.

KURSo when do we
get to meet Emily?

BUDDY: Emily's, uh,
thinking about it.

But, Veronica,
she's the one

that's coming over to
the office this afternoon.

God, I haven't seen her
in six years.

But I'll tell you
something, Kurt.

It would be a lot of fun
having a baby with her.

She's got a body
that doesn't quit!


Come in. It's open.


I tell you, Kurt,
I am so nervous.

It's 10:00 in the morning,
and I'm having a vodka
and tonic.

When's the last time you knew
me to have a vodka and tonic
at 10:00 in the morning?

Uh, anyway, the two you're
gonna see this afternoon

are the cream of the crop.

Uh, the first one
is Miss Werner.

BUDDY: She's outside now,
waiting for me.

Yeah, you'll like her.

But, the second one,
Miss Jacqueline...

Now, this is a class act.

I know what was wrong before.

I was too aggressive.

I have a very good feeling
about these two ladies.

I hope so, Buddy,
because this is it.

I'm a lawyer, not a pimp.



Listen to this.





BUDDY: It's a
Scandinavian name.

It's from Scandinavia.





It's Daddy. I'm home.


Tell Miss, uh, Werner
to come in, please.

Thank you.




I'd like to make this
as pleasant as possible.


Um, sit down.
Thank you.


Oh, I was just looking
at this book here

Of children's names.


How do you like that?


It sucks.

What are those?

What are what?
Those things on your teeth.

(LISPING) They're braces.

I know they're braces.
But do you have to wear them?

No. They're the latest
in costume jewelry.

Of course
I have to wear them.

I see.

Well, it's just that...

I don't want my son
to look like Jaws 2.


Well, he could end up
with your forehead.

What's wrong
with my forehead?

Look at those lines.
What lines?

Looks like it's suffering
from erosion.

As long as we're
talking about looks,

your nose isn't
exactly classic.

Has anyone ever suggested

that you plant corn
in your eyebrows?

My eyebrows are fine.

Sure. If you're
into wildlife.

That's very amusing.

Thank you.

As long as we're
talking about hair,

about that mat
on your head...

What about it?

Well, do you shampoo it,

or do you have it


That is the rudest man
I have ever met.

Please, forgive him.

This is very
important to him.

I can understand
about my braces.

But there is nothing
wrong with my nose.

It's a terrific nose.
I'm Miss Lofton,

I'm the interior decorator
that Mr. Evans hired,

to do a room
in his apartment.

I don't have an appointment,
but, um, what if I...

Oh, well, there's his
secretary, there. Laurie!

Yes. Hi. I'm Jenny Lofton,
the decorator.

Hi. Do you have
an appointment?

No. But he called me last
week about doing a room

in his apartment, and
I think I better meet him.

I had a few minutes,
that was it.

I'm sorry. I can't let you in
without an appointment.

Why don't you just
let me just pop in, okay?


Quinby sucks!

Mr. Evans?

Hi. I'm Jenny.
I know.

I mean, I know who you are.
I've been expecting you.

You have?


Make yourself at home.

Thank you.

Is that Fordham?

Listen, I'm sorry if this
seems a little rushed,

but I'm suppose to be
meeting my aunt downtown.

She's getting a big award
from her union today.

They're going around
Manhattan on this boat.

The Circle Line.

You did go to Fordham.
I went to Columbia.

Good. That's very good.
I like that.

I liked it, too.



No, thanks. I never
drink on the job.

It's not a drink.
It's a boy's name.



You know what it means?

"From the woman's womb."
It's Scandinavian.

That makes sense.

Let's not get all fouled up
In this sexual mystique.

It's a business
transaction, cut and dry.

Boy, am I glad
you said that.

I can't tell you how many
men take it for granted...

Just throw those thoughts
right out of your head.
Thank you.

You come here, you do
a service, I pay you for it.


Completely unemotional.

May I see your breasts?


It's without any
sexual stimulation.
No emotion.

We're talking about
tools of the trade.

When you look at my...

Oh, God.

I want to be completely
open about this.

When you look
at my genitals,

you're not looking
at my genitals.

Think of them
as a potato peeler.


Maybe not a potato peeler.

Don't forget
your 2:00 meeting.

Mr. Evans!

Back at 2:00!

Hi, folks.

Bank and Hudson.
Follow that cab.

Bank and Hudson.
Will you follow the cab.

Bank and Hudson.
It's an emergency.

I'm not getting out.
Fine. I'll drop you off.

Hey, folks,
I'll follow that cab.

CAB DRIVER: I'm going
as fast as the law
permits, sir.

I won the Auto
Company Award

for most courteous
cabdriver in the city.

Three years running.

BUDDY: No kidding.

I really appreciate this.

As soon as we can
catch that cab,

drop me off.
Go where you wanna go

and I'll pay for it.

No, I have three
students waiting.

It's $20
per half hour.

I'll pay for everything.

BUDDY: It's not a red light.
That's a yellow light.

Look, they're all
running it. You run it.

break the law, sir.

I've never had
a moving violation.

BUDDY: Of course
you've never had
a moving violation.

You can't get
a moving violation.
Unless you're moving!

CAB DRIVER: It's green.
Here we go.

We're losing it.
We're losing the taxi.

Who are we losing?

We're losing mother of
my future child.

Hey. Don't I know you
from someplace?

The coffee shop,

I'm Maggie.

CAB DRIVER: Hi, Maggie.
I'm Randy.

BUDDY: Who cares?

WOMAN: Thank you very much.

Ladies and gentlemen,

today, before we go out
on our annual outing...

Those people are walking
faster than us.

There's an old lady
just ran right by us.

You just sit back, relax
and enjoy the view.

BUDDY: Hold it!
Make a U-turn.

She said she was going
to the circle line.

♪ I love New York ♪

♪ I love New York ♪

RANDY: Red light!

I would like to present

the award
for lifelong service

to Ethel Lofton.



After I started in
ladies' undergarments

way back,

my mother,
God rest her soul,

had only one thing
to say to me,



Thank you, Ethel.

Uh, ladies, um...

You're paying for
this boat by the hour.

So enough talk.
Let's get a move on.


BUDDY: Can you go
a little faster?

Just a little faster?

RANDY: I never exceed
35 miles per hour.

It's the law.

BUDDY: What law?
This is New York.



Am I glad
to see you.

There's a crazy man
following me.

In a taxi.

He's been following me
all day.

Ethel, I don't think
we ought to stand here.

Come on. Get on the boat.

MAN: No one on
without a button.

RANDY: What a terrific day.

I really enjoy
meeting new people.

Curb side
is the safe side.

(GROANS) Give me
a break, Raymond.

Thank you for not
slamming the door.

Have a nice day.

Hey, he took
my horn!

All aboard for this

around glorious
Manhattan island.



You're what?

Okay, ladies, we're
almost on our way.

Step lively!

where's your button?

I lost it.


Jenny! Jenny!

Jenny! Jenny!
I'm getting off
the boat.

I didn't mean
the crack about
the breasts!

MAGGIE: There you are!

You've got my horn.

Mr. Evans!

We're not
talking about

tone-deaf children
from Westchester.

Tuffy Daniels
has promise.

Now, Joey has a slight
embouchure problem.

You know, the muscles
that form the mouth.

That Darby kid is
a little screwed up,

but today is
the first lesson
that I've missed.

I... I can't afford this.

Mr. Evans, I just
can't afford this.

CAPTAIN: I want you
to look right over there.

There. See?
Beth Israel Hospital.

I had my gallbladder
out there in '62.

Terrific hospital.

Fantastic nurses.



It's kind of atrocious,

but it's better
than over in Jersey.

Never get sick
in Jersey.

Hospitals in Jersey...
They stink.

You really love her,
don't you?



Jenny who?

The Jenny we've been
chasing all afternoon.

But you said she was
the mother of your child.

Supposed to be.

I don't get this.

She's a surrogate mother.

Oh. Oh, you mean
she's going to
have your baby.

Not anymore.

I'm not gonna have a baby
with a woman like that.

Too temperamental.

Just mention
the word breasts,

she goes bananas.

What's your name, again?

That's right. Maggie.

Why don't you just
get married?

I don't want a wife.

I want a son.

What for?

For me.

For history. You know.

And I want something
that says,

"Buddy Evans was here."

Well, there's a whole
boatload of people

that will remember
you forever.

You wouldn't understand.
You're too young.

Age has nothing
to do with it.

I can understand your
wanting to have a child.

A lot of people
want that experience

sometime in their lives,

even me.


I don't wanna get married

or have anything
to do with kids really.

I... I can't
handle children.

now we're coming up

on the United Nations

where they do
all that world stuff,

but first, I want you
to look over there

to the Bellevue Hospital.

I had a herniated disc
fixed up there.

Top-class doctors.

I got lucky.
I had an oriental.

Take my advice.
You got a herniated disc,

get yourself an oriental.

Okay, that's $60
for the students,

$20 for Mrs. Darby,
$23 for the cab,

including the tip,

and then $25,000
to have your child.

Do you think $25,000
is a lot of money?


Yes. $25,000 is
an enormous
amount of money.

It's not an enormous
amount, but...

$50,000 is an enormous
amount of money.

CAPTAIN: Now, folks,
you can't see it,

but way over there
to the west

is Roosevelt Hospital.

That's where
my brother-in-law

had his nasal
polyps removed.

Now, Roosevelt Hospital
is okay in my book.

And if the west side hospitals

are not quite up to
the east side hospitals,

they're still not as bad

as the hospitals
over in Jersey.

I can't emphasize
strongly enough
that there'll be

no emotional


Gonna eat that?

It's full
of preservatives.

Do you know how many
preservatives are
in here? Huh?

Put this on the railing.

Come back 23 years
from now.

That'll still be sitting
there, ready to eat.

That's how many
preservatives are
in there.

Do I have to live
with you?

You don't have to
live in the same
bedroom or anything.

I got a room.

I've redone it
and everything.

I don't anticipate
any real problem.

It's a very simple contract.

It's more of
a rider, really.

I've laid it out.

When you talk to Maggie,

I want you to
talk very slowly.

She's naive
about contracts.

I don't wanna be pushy
with her, all right?


I want the circus
in 11 hours!

Evans, we can
do it in ten.

You can do it in nine!

Ah. Okay, you got it.

BUDDY: Remember,
she's inexperienced,

So don't be
too assertive.

Good morning.
I just said that.

Did you?

(WHISPERS) Be serious.

Don't smile
at them.

Keep your hands
like this.

No, don't keep them...

Morning, Maggie.

This is Ms. Kursahn,
my lawyer.


You're six minutes
late, Mr. Evans.

I trust
in the future

you'll act in a more
professional manner.

I'll try.

We've prepared
a psychological

A psychological

Just certain questions

for the purpose
of protecting
my client.

Well, I have
nothing to hide.

Any history of


Any history of insanity
in your family?

Of course not.

Why are you asking
these questions?

You asked me.

I didn't know you.

Well, I don't
know you either.

I have an office.
I have a secretary.

I'm sure lots of
necrophiliacs have

That's true.

Now, we would like
to determine

the number of
impregnation attempts

before charging

Charged for what?

In case you fail.


In case I fail.


Well, there are
certain possibilities.

Such as?


Premature ejaculation.

Uh, impotence.


MAGGIE: Over the course
of history,

it has been known
to happen, Mr. Evans.

Not over the course
of my history.

May we continue?

they're gonna be asking me
to take my pants down.

Oh. Not yet.

I think it's good
to get these things
out in the open.

This stuff is

"In some countries,

"its still
widely believed

"that a bath
in baking-soda,

"prior to the act
of lovemaking,

"will promote the birth
of a male offspring."

Did you know that?

What are you doing
to these plants?

This is incredible.

"If you want to
assure a male child,

"you make love
standing up."

What's all
the carrying on about?

Why don't you just
jump in the sack

and make yourselves
a baby?

Jump in the sack?

We're talking about
creating a baby here,

not just jumping
in the sack as you
so elegantly put it.

This is
a scientific venture.

Scientific venture?

Boy, you sure are
a cold fish.

Don't you call me that.

Come in here.
I wanna show you

Did you know that,
"Wearing of loose

"increases the chances
of conception?"

So does the wearing
of no underwear.

BUDDY: Also,
"The pain of

"is no longer
a medical matter.

"It's a scientific fact."

You see,

you can't even
get your guppies
to fool around.

They're young.
Give them a chance.

Are you changing
my tie again?


This is fascinating
reading. Hear this.

If you wanna be positive

that you're gonna
have a male child,

you have to make love
standing up.

Oh, really?

You wanna know
the reason why?

I'll tell you
the reason.

"the sperm carrying
the male sex factor

"is stronger at first

"than the sperm carrying
the female sex factor."

The only factor
I know about

is when you
hold a baby up

and there's a factor
hanging down,

it's a boy.

If there isn't,
it's a girl.


"It's a scientific fact

"that the male sperm
swims faster

"than the female sperm."


What do they do,

have a race?

Hello, babies!

Hello, my little babies.

Hello, my little...



I never knew anybody

who got pregnant
on purpose before.

You think I'm crazy,
don't you?

No. It's a lot of money.

I can't tell whether
I'm undecided or not.

The deadline's
next week.


I mean, I guess
it's no big deal.

He's got a lawyer
and a contract
and everything.

We won't get all
hot and heavy.

And, it's gonna be

totally unemotional.

The last thing
I need right now

is to get involved
with some guy.

the last thing I need.


MAGGIE: What is that?

BUDDY: It's the sounds
of nature

during the time
of conception.

It makes all
the difference
in the world.

MAGGIE: You're kidding?

BUDDY: It's the sound
of the blue whale
in love.

My favorite.

Listen. I wanna
make something

very clear to you.

This is a business


Nothing emotional



It's freezing.

It's the mirror.

They're made that way.

Are you ready?


Stop saying check!


It's just lying there.

Well, give me a minute.

I think it's dead.

Well, I know it's
not dancing, but...

I know it's not dead.

Oh, no. Your fish...

My fish?

No. Your fish
in the tank.

I think that
fish is dead.

Oh, my God,
it's my koi.

I brought him over
from Hawaii.

He'd had to be over
100 years old.

I mean, they're supposed
to be good luck!

Do you ever go to Hawaii,
and stay at the Hilton?

Mr. Evans,

why don't we just
get this over with?

Well, let's try to
concentrate on what
we're doing, all right?

Now, you know why
the two of us are here.


You see,
the problem is...

It's not clinical enough.

The problem is,
it's too clinical.

Do you have
any fantasies?

I don't need

Everybody has
some fantasies.

Oh, I have some.

Like what?

I'm not gonna tell you.

then they're stories,
they're not fantasies.

I keep to myself.
They're my fantasies.

I have one.

I don't want
to hear about it.

I'm sitting
all alone in a bar...



across the room,

the most...



sexy woman
I've ever seen.


I walk in...

Someplace classy,

like the oak room
in the Plaza Hotel.

I walk towards her.

I notice that she has
a beauty mark.

Oh, right there.

I say...

"Can I buy you
a drink?"

She says,


"A drink is not
what I want."

I say, "What do
you want?"

She says,



Then she gets up

and goes.

Where are
you going?

Meet me at the Plaza
in one hour.


The oak bar,
one hour.


Well, let's try.

You're really
going to do it?


I know how it's
done in New York.

You gonna do it?

Hi, pretty lady.

That's a lovely
fragrance you're
wearing, darling.

What's it called?


Oh, French, huh?

I don't
speak English.




You're supposed to say,
"Would you like a drink?"

Would you
like a drink?


A drink is not
what I want.

What is that,
a mole?

A beauty mark.

I like that.

What do you want?

I want you...


Like to make
a baby?

The room number's
on the key.

The room number's
on the key.

You wanna tell him
or should I?

I guess I should.

He'll be
very touched.
I hope so.

You know, Maggie,

pregnancy changes
things in a woman.

I'm not just talking
about physically.

What do you mean?

I want you
to feel free

I want you to feel free
to come in here anytime
you want

and talk to me.

Oh, great. Sure.

I like you. I don't
want you to think
of me as

the other side.

(LAUGHS) Thanks, Larry.

Any news yet?

I've been waiting
an hour.

Excuse me.
She's been waiting
an hour.

Hi, Buddy.

Oh, hi.

Arlene. Right.

It's nice
to see you.
You, too.

Do you still do
the moose routine?

Mr. Evans...

It worked, didn't it?

Tell me it worked!
Tell me it worked!

What do you mean,
it worked?

Look at that
rosy cheek,

look at that glow
in your face.

It worked, huh?

Tell me it worked.

Maggie's pregnant.

Hot damn!
The rabbit died!
I knew it!

I knew it!
The rabbit died!

Good work, Larry.



I wonder what
that means.

It means your son
won't have any

That's what that means.

Who asked you?


Sounds like a steak.

Don't say that word.

You know that means?
It means, "From
the guarded palace."

No, no, no.

Just a little piece.
Come on!

You've had your
high-protein group
for the day.


A hard-boiled egg.

One egg?

You call
that a group?

It's part of the deal.

I'm wasting away.

I smell gas!

Oh! What's
happening here?

Oh! Oh,
I smell gas!

You don't
smell gas.

We have an
electric range.

We have
an electric oven.

So... I don't
smell gas.

I'm cutting up your steak
for you into little pieces.

I thought you'd
like it that way.

That's how
I would like it,

But I don't want it.

BUDDY: Dr. Carlucci says

up until
the fourth month,

running is good
for the fetus.

Fetal osmosis
is the theory,

that every experiences
encountered by the mother

is directly or indirectly
transmitted to the fetus.

You'll have the only
baby ever born
with shin splints.



It's good for you.

BUDDY: Have you had
anything from the bread
group today?



Est-ce que vous
etes musicien?

Oui, je suis musicien.

Musicienne? Mus...



BUDDY: What?
Come in.

Hi. I brought...


Oh, your plants
are doing great,
aren't they?

Oh, thanks.

I give mine vitamins...

And plant food.

Every day.

From Central America.

Sometimes I think
it's better just
to water them

and leave them alone.


Four times a day.

This is probably
a better room
for plants.

MAN: Is this gonna be
a problem for lighting?

MAN 2: No, angle it
a little more.

But is it clear?


Coming through.

Now string them up.

Lower. Slowly.

How much longer, Derek?

Oh, about a half
hour, Chief.

What'll I do
with number three?

Square that off.
You're not square.

You're five, ten
degrees off.

Make it tighter.

Who do you like

Martinez is going to whip
that Cuban's butt.


MAN: Hold. Hold it.
That's fine.

Wait, let me check
the sight line there.

Bill! Bill!

BILL: Yeah?
How are we
in the back?

BILL: Drop it
a little more.

Drop it.

Hold it.
That's it.

Move that
one over. Okay.

Is this going to be
a problem for lighting?


Hi, Buddy.

What you been doing?

Well, uh...

I got married.

That's good.


No, that's bad,

'cause I got divorced.

Oh, that's bad.

Maybe that's good.

I got happy.


And as many of you ladies
will soon find out,

your abdominal cavity
will expand

to make room for
the swelling uterus.

Does anybody have
a little boy doll?

I think I should have
a little boy.

it's only a doll.

It's not forever.

As I was saying,

this expanding skin may
mean for many of you

the dreaded
stretch marks.




Now, these may not
be inevitable.

A lot of couples
have found

that a nightly
application of, say,

cocoa butter

can help avoid
the stretch marks

and as a shared pastime,

can be very,
uh, pleasant.


Hello, Buddy!

I just bought these
great maternity dresses!

I think they're
really beautiful.

And I think I can
take them in

after the big event.


Buddy! Buddy, you've
got to see them.

BUDDY: No. There! No...
A little higher.

SOPHIA: I thought I
remembered that spot.


SOPHIA: Gotcha!
BUDDY: You got it?



What's going on?

They're playing
our song.

Buddy, do you
have a cat?

A whale.

A big one.





Here we go!
Here we go!

(WHISTLES) Okay, Jerry,
hit it out of here!

Hit it out
of here, Jerry!

Here you go, Jere!

Who's up next?
You are, big guy.

Ha! They're gonna name
a candy bar after me.

There you go, Jerry,
all the way!

She's a remarkable
young lady.

Hit it out of here,
Jerry! Hit it out of here!

Come on, Jere!

There's something
really special about...

MAN: Ball two!

Hit it out of there, Jerry!

You need a pregnant lady
in there.

Here we go, Jerry,
all the way!

All right, Jere!

Hit it all the way
to Queens.

of the emotions
that enter into
a situation like this.

I understand.
I understand.

We got two guys on,

it's the bottom
of the ninth,
one out.

There you go, Jerry,
all the way!

I'm puttin' her in.


For who?

For you.
For me?

But it's the bottom
of then ninth.
It's my turn.

You're oh-for-four.
I'm due.

Give her a chance.
Everybody wants
her to play.

Come on, Mario.
I'm due.

All for four.
It's my turn!

Right. This is it.
You can do it.

Get out there!


It's my turn!

Have a little respect!
It's a mother, here!

You can
do it, baby!

Get your arms up.

Up a little more.

My arms are up.


Put your body
into it.

My body's into it.

Your whole body.

My body's into it!

Not my whole body.

Stop twisting
around like that.

Ready? It's zen.

You're throwing
too hard!

Have a little

It's nothing.
It's just a ball game.

Hold up on first!

Hold up!

Hold up!
You got a triple!

Hold up! Hold up!


Let's go!

Well, how'd I do?

You're getting
the hang of it.

Give me
that candy bar!

Are you crazy?

I can't stand
this anymore.

Can't stand what?

The exercises, diets,

the noise you have
piped into my room.

What noise?
That's the ocean.

I don't want
the ocean
in my room.

It's called
fetal relaxation.

Dr. Krasner says it's
essential for having a baby.

Have the baby
with Dr. Krasner.

I can't.
He's dead.

You're going against
the spirit of the contract.

You're starving me
to death.

I think we're
acting ridiculous.

I'm sorry I yelled
at you at the game.

I won't ever yell
at you again, okay?

Want a nice falafel?

Yeah. Two, please.

Don't get one.


I'll give you
each two falafel.

Everybody will be happy.
This one's for you.

I'll get your
license revoked.

I don't have a license.
No license.

This stems from the need
to rebel against authority.

Very common.

Are you
a falafel

He's right.

Thank you very much.

I feel smothered.

Is there someone else
in your life?

There's no one else
in my life.

There's not even me
in my life.

You have a lot
to learn about women.

That'll be $2.00
for the falafel.

The advice is free.

That's what
it's worth.

Can I ask you
a personal question?


You ever played
professional sports?

That's awful
personal, but no.

Why not?

I wasn't good enough.

I wasn't good enough
to play professional anyway.

Besides, you couldn't
become a sports star
in my family.

My father used to say,
"You can do anything
you want to do

"as long as you
go to law school."

So that's why
you want a son.

To become a lawyer?

No, to become
a sports star.

Want to sit down?


I don't care
what he does,

as long as
he's happy.


You hear that?

Know what the guys
at the Garden say?

"The sound of
a crowd cheering

"is the most
beautiful sound
in the world."

Know what
I think the most
beautiful sound is?


I want to tape it,
play it every morning.
It's really something.

There's a playground
next to my apartment.

I go by every day
on my way to the Garden.

There's this
one little boy.

He can do anything
on his bicycle.

He totally defies
the laws of physics.

He can get this far
off the ground
and not fall over

and ride right along
the top of a fence

and not fall over.

He never falls.

You know the day
he's going to fall over?

The day he learns
about gravity.

The day that some schmuck
tells him about gravity.

That's why
I want a son.

So I can be there
the day he learns
about gravity.

You always make
each day special day

by just
your being you.

There's only one person
in this world like you.

You know
people will like you...

8:00, tomorrow night.

Don't forget.

8:00, tomorrow night.
You won't forget?

I won't forget.

Forget what?

The prenatal clinic.

It's the father's
first night.

Oh, yeah.


I'll be there.

What are you watching?

Mister Rogers.
Know why I like him?

No. Why?

Because he likes me
just the way I am.

Larry, I'm sorry
to be dragging you
down here.

Fathers are supposed
to be here tonight.

Don't worry about it.
Be a lot of fun.

Buddy's making me
go through this.

Buddy should
be here.

He's probably
in a meeting.

This is it.

Faster than Sugar Ray,
prettier than Ali,

the world
middleweight champion...

Buddy Evans! (LAUGHS)

Do my favorite.

The big one?

Bambi's daddy.

I was saving him
for tonight.



Is today Tuesday?



I forgot something.

Tonight we'll start
by learning how
to breathe together,

breathing in and out,

matching each
other's rhythm.

Let's try it. In...


Be sure you exhale

To guarantee that,
hum as you exhale.

Let's do it. In...


Let's hear it. In...


No humming,
just the breathing.





Excuse me. I'm just
looking for somebody.

Just go on
with what you're doing.




Over here.


Do you mind?

Sir, do you mind?


I'm with that
couple over there.



Sir, we have a very delicate
atmosphere in here.

Just pretend
i'm not here.

The class is waiting.

Do I have to sit
on the floor?

I've come here
five months now.

It's the least
you could do.


We'll resume
the breathing

with the humming
on the exhaling.




In. Louder. In.







Very good.




Now, without
the humming,

we'll continue
to breathe in rhythm.

Yoo-hoo! Buddy!

Where are you?


I'm hungry.

There you are!

MAN: Shh!

You mind taking her
home for me?
I'd really appreciate it.

Not at all.
Be a pleasure.

Thank you.

Excuse me.

May I help you?

I'm with him.

Is this your wife?

I'm not married.
Then who's she?

I'm just he mother
of his child.

I'm his date.

I'm a friend
of the family.

And as we exhale,
let's feel all the tensions

going out through
our fingertips.




I thought so.

it's Gloria.

Oh, Jesus.

It's been ages.

This is
my husband Bill.

This is Buddy,
an old lover of mine.

Now, let's
settle down. In...


I thought you were
taking me to dinner.

I'm taking you
to dinner, darling.

First, I thought
we'd have a...

Drink? I'm dying
for one.

That, too.

What are you
doing here?


I thought you had
a class.

It was canceled.

My friend's here.

She's very

I'd appreciate it
if you didn't mention
our arrangement.

I wouldn't
dream of it.

Thank you.

You expecting


Okay, we're going
out to dinner.

I thought we were
having our drinks.


Well, hi.

This is my...
His au pair.

My au pair.

How soon are you
having that baby?

Not soon enough.

Maggie, take
the evening off.

And leave you
all alone?

Yes. Leave us
all alone.

We're going out
to dinner.

Who's the proud

There's no father.

A virgin birth?

Well, she's Catholic.

Bonsoir, Maggie.

And Alain Delon
to you.

My little Texas taco.

My little Dixie-

Come on, Buddy,
who's the father?

I was raped.





Tommy Kroeger.

I see that name
in every elevator.

He must have been
the inspector

in every elevator
in New York.

I was molested,

Then I was raped.

Even in
Madison Square Garden,

you see Tommy Kroeger
in the elevator.

You weren't
molested or raped.

The father was killed.


In the war.

Oh. What war?
What war?

A man's paying me
to have his child.

I wouldn't go that far.
He could've been
a nice fellow.

See you, Maggie.



For two?

For four.

You're right.
I am a slave.

It just sounds
so medieval.

What kind of man
would do this?

Why don't we change
the subject?

Tell me something.

Was he brutal?

Ooh, soup!
I love soup!

Would you like
some soup?

No. He was gentle.

Gentle. Oh.

Sounds like a hell of a guy.

What is the soup du jour?

Soup of the day.

It was
so good of you

taking her
into your home.

He's been just
like a father
to me and my child.

I wouldn't say father.

I'd say,
just a regular guy.

Where you going?
I'm not hungry.

Where you going?

To the powder room.

Talk about the vegetables.

It's important to know
what vegetables you want.

Don't you ever
correct me again.

Do you have children?

I got three.

Two boys,
one girl.

They're in Texas
with my ex.

You look fantastic.

You've had
three children?

Yeah, thank you.

Did you gain much weight
when you were pregnant?

Of course.
I was huge.

I couldn't walk
across the floor.

I was monstrous.

I dreamt last night I was
the Port Authority building.

Port Authority

But it's fun.

I feel everything.

All sorts of tingles
and twitches.

Sometimes I think
I even hear

the blood running
through my veins.

Especially at night
when I'm lying down.


Live it up.

At first,
I didn't really care.

But now I really
love this child.

And I pray that he's healthy,

that he has 10 toes
and 10 fingers.

He will.
He'll be fine.

I know that.

Want to know
how I know?

Okay. When
my first baby,

my little boy,
was born...

He came out with
this real flat head.

It was strange.

The doctor said
not to worry.

He was certain
his head wouldn't
stay that way.

You know why
he was so certain?

No. How'd he know that?

He said he'd never
seen a grown-up person

with a head like that.

Buddy's the father,
isn't he?

Well, are you
in love with him?

I don't know.

Sometimes I think
I am...

But then sometimes
I think it's just
because of this one.

Buddy's a tough nut
to crack,

but underneath
all that stuff...

That's a good man.

Do you really think so?

I know it.
I know it.

So, tell me,

how do you like
having big tits?


Where have you been?

With Sophia.
She's terrific.

I know.
Where is she?

She had to go.

Go? Where?

Home, I guess.

She said, don't worry,
she'll be in touch.

Yeah, that's right.

She'll probably
call me later.

That's a strange
thing for her to do.

I really like her.

She's one of the nicest
people I've ever met.

Don't eat that.
It's bad for you.

Why'd you tell her
those terrible stories
about me?

What stories?

That I was medieval,
a slave driver.

Buddy, what will you tell him
about his mother?


Your son.

What will you tell him
about me?

He probably
won't ask.

He'll notice he doesn't
have a mother.

I'll tell him
we're divorced.

Suppose he wants
to meet me?

I'll stall him.

All his life?
All mine.

Sounds cruel.

Yeah, maybe
you're right.

I know.
I'll tell him
she died.

Where you going
with my child?

I'm going
to French class
with our child.

We have a contract.

Possession is 9/10
of the law.



Maggie, I got
an apology to make!

Nice shot, big guy.

Thank you.

What's the matter,


My dad says
you're upset

'cause Maggie
left you.

Your dad doesn't
know everything.

That's true.

she didn't leave me.

She left the apartment.

You going
to marry her?

Me? Marry her?

What are you, crazy?

You think I should?



Then maybe you'll sink
one of those suckers.

KURT: I know.
This is the third time
you called me this weekend.

I know, but I've got
an important question.

You know anything
about plants?

No. But Betty does.

Ask her
what she does

when the leaves turn brown
and fall off.

Hold on.

She throws them away.

That's what I do.

Buddy, you want
to come for dinner?

No, thanks.
I got a lot to do.

SOPHIA: Hello?
Sophia, this is Buddy.

Buddy, honey,
how are you?

How's our
little mother?

Maggie... She left.

With the baby?


Let me think.


Yeah, she left
with the baby.

Buddy, I'm so sorry.

Has she been in touch
with you?

No, but if I hear...

Don't tell her
I called.

I'm just anxious
to know how she is.


LARRY: Hello?
BUDDY: Larry,
I need a physical.

I've given you
two this week.

But I'm losing weight.

I can't.

All I think about
is Maggie.


I'll find that contract
and rip it into
in a million pieces.

See? I told him not
to water them so much.

Just end this little game

and tell him
you love him.

Because I don't love him.

Oh, yes, you do.

I do love him.

Or at least I did.

I have this dream

that Buddy and I
do love each other.

Is that
the dumbest dream
you've ever heard?

Those are the ones
that come true,

the dumb ones.

Go right now.

He's out of town today.

I miss you, Celia.

Take care
of yourself, baby.

I don't know
how to find her.

When I do find her
I don't know
what the hell to say.

For God's sakes.
Why don't you
just tell her?

Tell her what?

Tell her you love her.

It's not that hard.
Try it, one word at a time.

I... Love...


BUDDY: Give me a break.


BUDDY: Wait a minute!

Don't come any
closer to me!

I want to talk
to you.

There's nothing
to talk about.

I'm keeping
this baby.

It's my baby, too.

I realize that.
I'm willing
to compromise.


You can have
visiting rights
once a month,

two weeks
in the summertime,

New Year's Day...

Your birthday.


Hit the lights!

What do you
want from me?

I want you to come home
and have the baby.

Why do you want
this baby?

Because I love it.

You can't
love anything.

I love you.

Five minutes ago,
when I smiled,

it was the first time
since you left.

Boy, this is terrific.

I feel like God.

So what do you say?
You want to get married?

Of course, I'm serious.
You want to get married?

Yes, Buddy,
I'll marry you.

As soon as this
is all over.

We can't wait
that long.




No son of mine is going to
be born fatherless.

This is
Reverend Williams.

How are you?

Let's get with it.
Do you have a ring?

I forgot it!
I got one.

We need
a maid of honor!

That's me!

We are gathered here...

Skip all that.
Get to the good stuff.

Do you... Buddy, take...

"Maggie." Oh, yeah!
Do you take Maggie...

Will you
help me out?

BUDDY: Pronounce us
man and wife.

REVEREND: Of course I will.
That's why I'm here.


REVEREND: Hallelujah
for everyone!