Parental Guidance (2012) - full transcript

The parents of Alice, a controlled mom, agree to take care of her 3 crazy children, Harper, Turner and Barker, because they feel they don't see their grandchildren enough, when Alice and her husband Phil go on a business trip for Phil. But when everything goes downhill, they need to find a way to prove to Alice, Phil, and themselves that they can be great grandparents. - stop by if you're interested in the nutritional composition of food
Okay, welcome back.

This is Artie Decker,
De Voice of the Fresno Grizzlies...

and we've got a good one, my friends.

Top of the ninth here at Chukchansi
Park, and a beautiful night.

We can actually feel
that fall is finally an its way.

It's a rather crisp 107 degrees, but dry.

We've got 15,000 sweaty and bloated
people all pumped up on Churros...

rooting on our Fresno Grizzlies.

And Brad, this is why I love
announcing Minor League Baseball...

because I get to say names
like "River Cats..."

or the "Rancho Cucamonga Quakes."

I don't have to ever say boring names

like "Tigers," or "Red Sox," or "Cubs."

Okay, we got a little break in the action...

as they're having
a little meeting on the mound.

Artie, do you know what time it is?

I sure do, Brad.
It's time for Artie's Kiss Cam!

Thank you, Gwen.

Let's see what kind of young lovers

we got at the ballpark tonight.

All right, there's a kiss.

Well, you know one thing when you see

a kiss like that, they're married.

Wait, wait, we've got a proposal.

"Will you marry me, Clara? Love, Nate."

There's our young Romeo now.
And whoa! He has scored!

Brad, that is what
you young people would call a "hottie."

He's got Britney Spears
and he's about to give her the ring...

and he goes the other way!

I can't believe what I am seeing...

and I'm sure she's
got a great "personality," but, oh my.

I thought Jerry Garcia was dead.

What's he doing
in the stands marrying him?

Here at Chukchansi Park,
love is blind, and apparently so is Nate.

All right, let's get back to the action

as the meeting breaks up on the mound.

Here's the situation.
First and third, two outs.

And here '5 the pitch

Swing and a miss. Diaz fires down to third.

They've picked him off third!

- You're out!
- Ballgame aver!

I'll tell you, Myers is getting an earful...

and as my mom used to say,
"There's no cure for dumb."

Gwen! We won.

And that closes out
the last game of the season.

The Grizzlies take
the Sacramento River Cats...

by a score of three to one.

We'll be right back with a happy recap.

That is a bad way to end a game.

Artie. Mr. Decker.

I want to say thank you
for what has been an awesome semester.

I mean, you taught me a lot,
and... I got you this.

What did you do, Brad?

It's got all the famous calls
you told me about.

Harwell, "Red" Barber, Scully, Russ Hodges.

You know, that's really great,
Brad. Thank you so much.

Well, as the great Yogi Berra once said,

"It ain't over till it's over."

Well, this Fresno Grizzlies season is over.

I'm Artie Decker,
De Voice of the Fresno Grizzlies.

So, on behalf of Brad Zolick
and the late Gwen Foster on the organ...

good night everybody,
thanks for listening and lights out, Alice.

I love this job.

I'm fired?

I'm sorry, Artie. I'm changing everything.

New logos, new uniforms, new music.

All the deadwood is floating to the sawmill.

I'm deadwood?

You're old school.
You reminisce and you tell stories.

All our sponsors are for hearing aids,

beds that go up and down, and scooters.

Not the cool kind, the sad kind.

We need someone who's wired in.

To what?


- How many friends do you have?
- I don't have any friends.

- Have you made any posts?
- No.

- What was your last update?
- My what?

- Have you poked anybody?
- I haven't poked anybody!

- Has anybody poked you?
- No.

The thing is Artie,
even if you were connected...

I don't know that I'd want
to be poked by you.

- How many apps do you have?
- I don't have any apps.

- You don't have any apps?
- No.

- Everyone has apps.
- I don't have an app.

- Do you play Angry Birds?
- Angry Birds?

Who's your favorite Angry Bird?

I don't have a favorite Angry Bird!

Everyone has a favorite Angry Bird.

I don't have a favorite Angry Bird!


When was the last time you hashtagged?

Are you out of your mind?
What the heck are you talking about?

We need announcers that tweet.

I'll tweet.
I'll make whatever noise you want.

Sorry, Artie, my mind's made up.

Feel the burn, everyone.

And one, two, three, four.

Okay, okay.

How are we doing, Diane?

Oh, my sciatica.

My other sciatica.

Ten minutes to cheesecake, ladies.

There we go. Good job.

Hi, Artie.

Hi, ladies.

Caught the end of the game.

"No cure for dumb." Funny.

- Yeah.
- Funny.

Don't fall, hon.

I got it.

All right, everybody,
pull your core in.

I don't have a core.

Work those abs.

You know, Artie,
this could turn out to be a good thing.

It could give us more "us" time.

You mean me wearing a captain's
hat following you around Costco?

You don't want to retire? Fine.

You were offered a job
teaching broadcasting at Fresno State.

You could teach young people.

I could,
but why should they know what I know?

Ever the nurturer.

I don't want to teach,
I want to do. I still have the dream.

The Giants?

Yeah, the Giants.
I've been chasing this job for 35 years.

You give up your dream, you give up.

I'm not quitting.

I feel 10 years younger than I am,

and I look 10 years younger than that.

So basically, you're asking
a 38-year-old to retire.

You're 38? Paint the house.

Artie, to me, you're the best
announcer in the whole world.

You should be broadcasting for the Giants.

But after all these years, honey...

something tells me
they don't have you on speed dial.


- It'll be okay.
-l'm sorry.

H-life awake.

Garage activated. Vehicle charging.

Solar panels activated.

Good morning, Harper, Turner and Barker.

-- Waffles ready.

Coffee ready.

Time for breakfast.

But-but, Mom.

Honey, hold on one second. Uh-huh.

Well, I can have that up for
you in about three hours.

Yeah, one hour,
that's what I meant. Sure, I can hold on.


- What's the matter, honey?
- I missed a note.

Come and have breakfast.
You're going to get it.

You know that you always do.

Yeah, I'm right here.

Right. And when would that be?

That's so soon. You got to be kidding me.

Dad! Dad.

I'm the soysages,
Turner gets the Wheatie-O's.

Okay. Hey, babe, can you take over here?

- I'm on a call.
-l'm on a call.

Thank you.

But-but M-Mom! Th-The other
k-kids are gonna w-watch them.

Honey, I don't think you'd
really enjoy the Saw movies.

Remember when we went to see Avatar...

and you spent the last two hours

with your head inside my purse?

L-I-l was I-looking for the gum.

I'm right here.

I can't believe it.
My computer just crashed.

I'll have to call you right back.

Barker, can we discuss
some of the many other possibilities...

for today's wardrobe,
including some involving pants?

Honey, can I talk to you outside
for a second?

Sure. I have nothing but time.

D-Dad? C-Can I watch the Saw movies?



Wait. That's way inappropriate.


What's up?


That was nice. Like a little mini date.

Crazy year, right?

I mean, the whole thing.
Moving to Atlanta for my job.

Yeah, it's had its challenges.

Well, guess what.
That was my boss on the phone...

and the H-life has been nominated

- for "Best New Product of the Year."


That's fantastic!

I know! They're flying us both next week.

Five days of lectures
and networking and love.

Oh. Saturday is Harper's audition.

Yeah, but it's at night.

We'll fly back early. We'll make it.

Also, Turner has speech therapy.

I have to buy Harper a dress for the audition.

We're supposed
to take the kids to the symphony--

Honey, we haven't had a
vacation since Barker was born.

- That's five years.
- Mmm-hmm.

This conversation is the longest we've been
alone in months.

So, great.
I'll call my parents, they'll fly down.

They'll be happy
to watch the kids while we're gone.

A cruise. What cruise?

The one that we bought them
for their 40th anniversary.

I said just get them matching tracksuits.

Look, we'll figure something out, okay?

Well, we could always call your parents.

Oh, you're serious.

Yeah. They haven't seen the kids
in what, a year?

Ten months is not quite a year.

Call them.

- They're not coming.
- Don't you need to talk to them first?

You know that they're just going to
say that they can't make it.

What? What?

- What?
- The itch.

You're kidding.
You're getting your "Artie and Diane Rash"?

Have you forgotten how they disapprove
of the way that we parent?

My father doesn't listen.
My mother, she's a tornado with lipstick.

Alice, we need this vacation.

And as you know...

who's going to be with you
in the Hilton Head?


That's right.

In fact, have you heard me new song?

I'm gonna lave you
till the police come

Anything for you, Nigel.

Carl flushed my pillow down the toilet.

Toilet over?owing.
Bathroom ?ooded.

Okay, I'll call my parents.

Artie, pick up the phone!

What are you doing?

I can't hear you, the phone's ringing.

- Hello?
- Hi, Dad.

- Alice, how are you?
-ls Mom around?

Yeah, hold on, I'll get her.

Your daughter.

Put her on speakerphone.

Don't tell her I was fired.

- Oh, my.
- I got it.

- Put her on hold.
- I know.

- Put her on hold.
-l'm trying.

- Put her on hold.
- I can't.

- Put her on hold.
- You're making me tense.

Now, put her on hold.

It's right there.

I'm gonna start a fire, here.

Hi, Alice, what's going on?

Well, now that you ask...

Phil has to go away
next week and I'd really like to go with him.

And we need someone to watch the kids,

so I was wandering, would you want ta?

No. No.

We'd love to!

Listen, I'm cooking dinner.

I'll call you back in a little bit for the details.

She said yes.

You said yes.

Artie, we practically
never see our grandchildren.

We've never seen their new house.

They've never been to Fresno.

I just got fired. I'm licking my wounds.

I'll lick them. Come on!

They need someone to take care of the kids.

Can't the house do it?

We have one child.

These three kids are the only
grandchildren we're ever going to have.

I'm awkward around those kids.
I don't think they like me.

Honey, they don't see you enough.

They have to know you better
before they don't like you.

No, but it's a real thing, Di.
And it all comes from Alice.

Like the last time,
the little one left the house...

wearing flippers and a bathrobe.

Sol made a little joke.
I said, "This one, any hope for normal?"

And I got this withering gaze.

Like you're giving me now.

Well, first of all...

it might be a good thing
if you learned "the little one's" name.

It's Barker.


Listen to me, I'm fragile right now.

I need a job.

I don't need Alice's disapproval.
I'm not going.

- You're going.
- That's what I meant.

Her whole way of raising
her kids is a giant... our face.

It's her generation. It's just their way.

Hey, what are you looking for, sailor?

If you haven't found
it yet, it's not there. I'll help you out.

- Come on!
- He's not done groping.

And could she
have found anyone less like me to marry?

What's your
problem with Phil? He's such a sweet guy.

He is sweet. I think he breastfed the kids.

Perfect, it's raining.

Scattered showers, honey.
It'll be over in 20 minutes.

It's an omen.

- What's it an omen of?
- Impending doom.

- I have a great idea.
- What's that?

Shut up!

I'll think about it.

- You know what grandparenting is?
- What?

A second chance.

That's pretty good.

- And you know what Alice told me?
- What?

The kids are over-the-moon excited
about our coming.

Why them?

Because they're your grandparents
and they love you.

D-Do we have to wear these?

Well, Grandma made them.
And she thinks you like them.

Why would she think that?

Because I told her that you did.

Look, it's going to be okay. I promise you.

You know, they're very funny.

Grandpa tells lots of jokes...

that you won't get.

So just laugh.

Just laugh and I promise you
we'll get through this week.

Remember, Mama loves you very much.

They're here!

Oh, no.



This is a McStadium.

Hey, thanks for coming.

Hello, Phil.

Oh, my goodness!
They're wearing their shirts.

I told you, they love those shirts!

Give me a kiss.

I'm so excited.

This one's gonna be prettier
than her grandma.

- Harper.
- I know.

- How's the fiddle coming? Still fiddling?
- Mmm-hmm.

Hello, boys, still single?

Mom, you brought groceries?

You know Dad.

He just wanted to make sure
you had food here for him.

Okay, and toilet paper?

Well, I know what I like. Aloe.

Are those for us?

Those are definitely for you!

Yep. One for each of you.

Here you go. And for you.

S-Super Squirters! Awesome!

You bought them guns.


Dad. We don't do guns.

Hey, if you think
that's something, wait until you see this.

This is classic Artie.

Artie Decker bobbleheads.

Here you go. Look at this, huh?

What do you say?

That's creepy. Make it stop!

Thank you, Grandpa.

Th-Thank you, G-Grandpa.

Hey, you know what?
Since we're all gonna be pals now...

instead of calling me
"Grandpa," why don't you call me "Artie"?

So it's "Grandma and Artie"
now? What are you, my boyfriend?

No, listen. We went through
all those names last time.

I don't want to be "Mup-Mup,"
or "Bup-Bup," or "Boop-Boop."

Those are puppet names.

My name is Artie.
Always been Artie. Call me Artie.

Can I call you "Farty"?

That's not a name, dope.

Hey, that was a put-down.
You owe me three put-ups.

I like your shoes.
I like your shirt. I like your hair.

Let's go inside.

You guys all have to change because

we're going out for dinner. Come on.

Get the bags, Farty.

Alice, this is a beautiful house.

Thank you.

- It's a prototype.
- Prototype?

Welcome, Alice and
Phil and Harper and Turner and Barker and...

two unidentified guests.

But that's not strange.

It's the H-life.

It's Phil's invention.
It's what he's worked on all this time.


This is the brain center
to this fully automated...

voice-activated, prototype smart house.

And I'm just going to enter you two
into the system right now.

All right.

Beam me up.

You all get these portables...

and if there are any problems,
Turner understands the whole system.

Turner does?

Well, if Turner can do it,
I certainly can't.

Alice, this is so beautiful.

How's work, Dad? How's your season?

Very good. Yeah, we had a good season.

Yeah, a lot of good kids.

You know, your dad still signs off

every broadcast, "Lights out, Alice."

- Really?
- Yeah.

See, when Alice was a little girl,

I wasn't home a lot to put her to bed...

so on the radio I would say...

"Lights out, Alice,"
and it sort of stuck, you know?

Wow, that's really nice.


I thought so.

What's this?

It's some photos.

Pipi and Papi look great.


Here you are.

Oh, yeah.

I took that picture!

That was a great day, yeah.

Farty wet his pants!

Barker, indoor voice.

Farty wet his pants! Farty wet his pants!



Ow! Ow! Ow!

That's so hot!
What are you doing? It's too hot!

Here, do it yourself.

What's the matter?

- Do you realize what we are?
- What?

We're the "other" grandparents.

We can't be all four.

I'm serious.

They have their real grandparents

that they love and put up on the mantle...

and then there's us.

And who's putting those pictures
on the mantle?

Our daughter. She is not sticking up for us.

I don't think the kids
even know what I do. Or did.

Look, Artie, I know you're upset

about getting kicked in your career...

but we need to focus, buddy.

Our grandchildren are going to love me.

- What about me?
- That's your problem.


- New people.
- Hello.

These are my parents.
They're going to watch the kids this week.

Welcome to Healthy Tiger.

All healthy Pan Asian food.

What's that?

No MSG, no gluten, no sodium.

Just healthy food.

I'm drooling already.

Pan Asian, just like me!

My mother's Japanese,
my father's Chinese...

my kids are Korean
and they go to Hebrew day school.

Oy vey

Come on. Yeah!

How do you ruin Chinese food?


We seem to have an empty chair.

No, no, that chair is for Carl.

- Who's Carl?
- Barker's friend.

How nice. When's he coming?

He's already here.

Hi, Carl. You look great.

Did you get a haircut?

Tell him.

Carl is Barker's imaginary friend.

He's a kangaroo.

Maybe we should have eaten
at the Outback.

Kids, go wash your hands.

Come on, Carl.

Bye, Farty.

He's in a real
"testing the boundaries" phase.

Plus, he's also a little constipated.

Now, you're talking my language.

I have some stuff that will blow his mind.

They used it to blast out the Chunnel.

Thank you, Lord Arthur.

Now, do you have any
special instructions for us?

Like, what the kids like to do,
what they like to eat.

Yes, Mom, great. Thank you.

First of all, they don't eat any sugar.

No Carvel?

That's the saddest thing
I've ever heard in my life.

We have tried to introduce
just a little bit of sugar...

and it was like going off the rails
of the crazy train.

Oh. my gosh!

And there's another subject
I'd like to discuss.

Sure, anything.

Your language.

He won't curse. I'll break his freaking arm.

That's great, but that's not what I meant.

You see, there's a way
that we talk to our kids.

For instance, where you would say "No"...

we would say,
"Consider the consequences."

Or where you would say, "Don't"...

we would say, "Maybe you should try this."

Or where you would say...

"Quit your whining,
you're giving me a headache"...

we would say, "Use your words."

You see, that way, the child feels

that he has value, he has worth.

He is heard.

It's a way.

Let's order.


That's very good, but if you stay

inside the lines, it looks better.

Here, look at mine, see?

Dad, we don't really worry about lines.

Honey, draw whatever
your imagination tells you.

But what's the point
of having lines if you're just going to...?


That's beautiful.
That's absolutely beautiful.

It's very avant-garde.

- Picasso.
- Exactly.

You didn't finish your dinner.
You know the great thing about Chinese...

I mean, Pan Asian food,
is that if you mush it all up it's...

- What happened?

- What did you do?
- I don't know.

He doesn't like his food to touch.

I didn't know! Look, I'm un-smushing.

There's so much un-smushed Pan Asian.

- What?
- Use your words, Barker.

Use your words.

Farty ruined my food! Evil Farty.

Evil Farty, what have you done?

Mama! Dada!

Don't go!

I have to go.

Don't go!

Would you--? I'm trying to let go!

Don't go!

Don't go!

D-Don't go!

Just let go.

He's just so strong.

Let go, baby. Let go, baby.

- Just get in the car.
- I am trying.

Barker, honey,just...

- Get in the car.
- I love you.

I'm trying to get in the car!

Get in the car.




Bye, honeybun.

Goodbye, goodbye.

Honey, Stop!


- Go.
- Yay!

I'll be home really soon.


Barker's hyperventilating.
Stop the car, please.

- Go, go, go!
- Yay!

Give me your worst, worst case scenario.

Everybody dies.

Then anything short of that will be
a happy surprise.


- Really go now.
- No!

Good heavens.

Time for breakfast.
Come on, we got to get to school.

Okay. Let's get this party started!

It's going to be great!
It's going to be awesome!

We are going to have so much fun.

This is going to be
the best week of your life!

- Right, Artie?
- Sure thing, Regis.

Okay. Here we go.
Let's go, let's go, let's go.

Oh, my gosh.

This is it, right?

Yeah. I'll see you on the other side.

These are done.

Hot skillet! Sorry.

All right. Here are your sausages.


Soysages? What are you, from the Bronx?

Did Mom leave my
eggless egg salad for lunch?

Eggless egg salad?
How would I recognize it?

The toast is ready.

Di, we have to make lunch!

I know. It's on the counter.
Make the sandwiches.

All right. My waffles, my waffles!

I got it.

Five second rule. Got it.

N-Not too much almond milk
in the c-cereal. It g-gets too wet.

- Is this the right amount?
- Uh-uh.

Well, eat fast.

Okay. Here you go.

You have to cut up the berries...

and put one piece in each hole
in the multigrain waffle.

This food can touch?

Eggless egg salad coming up.

Okay, put the lettuce, hit it with the lettuce.

It's fine, they will never know.

No crust, no crust.

Now there's no sandwich.
Look what you made.

I like them, Carl likes them. Right, Carl?

And your opinion has value.
And, what's the other one?


But I know from experience
that wearing heels can be tricky.

Especially during recess.

Wouldn't you and Carl
both be more comfortable in sneakers?


Hey, what's going on?
We are going to be late.

It's Project Hun way.

l tried handling
it like Alice said, but it's not working.

All right,
get the other two in the car, I'll handle this.


It's okay. Let me try.

Take off those shoes
and I'll give you a dollar.

- Five.
- Two-fifty.


Just punch in "go to school."

Why is this easier than
you just telling me how to get there?

- l heard that.
- Whoa! Whoa!

Is he in there?

It's Dad, and it's a recording.

It's just a little family joke.

Yeah, it's interesting
because, usually, jokes are funny.

But hey, why kill time laughing?

Okay, here you go.

- Thank you.
- What?

."Go garage-"
.Go garage-

Say it with force.

Go garage. Go garage.

Welcome back, Alice.


Alice, what happened? Where's Phil?

He's on his way to the airport.

I'm going to meet him in a few hours.

There's an 8:00 flight tonight.


One of my clients called.

They need me to update
their website immediately.

Can't it wait until you get back?

No, it's ESPN.
There's a crisis with the X Games.

You work for ESPN?

Yeah, I'm one of their web
designers. Honey, get in the backseat.

Really? I didn't know that.

It's interesting. ESPN. Really?

Nice school.

How long have you been working for ESPN?

About five years.

- Really?


Artie is going to pick you up after school...

and take you to speech therapy today.

Wh-Wh-Where are you-you going to be?

Grandma and I are going
to buy Harper a dress.


Have a good day, you two.

See you later.

I can't believe I'm going to get a tardy.

Six tardies are an absent.

How many does this make?


Does she seem a little tightly wound?

You know, she has HAS.
High Achievement Syndrome.

Did you make that up?


Hurry up, I can't get a tardy.

I know she's a little tightly wound.
But we're working on it.

Work on it soon before she explodes.

W-W-Watch where you're going,


Hey, did you see that?

Dad, no. No.

Turner's therapist says that he has

to work out peer conflicts on his own.

He has a therapist?

He had one,
and now he has a new one, Dr. Jimmy.

Also a kid?


ESPN again. I need to get to a Wi-Fi.

Maybe I can use the one here.

Go ahead, I'll get Barker to school.

Are you sure?

Sure. What's the problem?


Got the H-life.

But then pick me up here.
Don't leave me stranded.

Have I ever left you stranded?

Four times when I was a kid.

I love how you remember everything.

Okay, Barker, hop out.

I can't. I'm still buckled in.

Carl, unbuckle him.

Hello? He's at a doctor's appointment.

Stupid me. Okay.

Boy, this is harder than
one of your grandma's bras.

I'm going to be late.

- I'm tr--...

It works, okay? Your horn works.

I won't need this by the time you're done.

Here you go. Here.

Careful, he's a runner.

Bye, Farty.

One second.

- Hey, Ash.
- Hey, Cody.

- Did you get my Evite?
- Yep, I'm coming.


This is my friend, Harper. This is Cody.

- Hey.
- Hi.

I'm having this birthday thing Friday night.

There's going to be a DJ, and my parents

promised not to be ridiculously lame.

Right. Parents.

So, if you want to swing by,
that would be pretty cool.

Oh. Um...

I can't.

I got this thing the next day.

- She has a thing.
- I got a thing.

Okay. That's cool.

Yeah. No, it's super cool.

Well, if you change your mind,
just, you know...

Yeah. Totally, I'll...



Stop it.

Microwave on.

Garbage disposal on.

Vacuum cleaner on.

Oh, please, just let me do the dishes.

Welcome back,
Artie Decker.

What a morning.

It's 9 AM, I need a martini.

Tell me something.

Did you believe that story?

Absolutely not. What story?

Alice's work emergency.

You think she was lying?

Why couldn't that
work have been done at Hilton Head?

It's like she doesn't trust us with her kids.

Like she thinks we're idiots.

By the way, where is she?

Where have you been?

I know.

You know, Harper, when I was your age...

this was my favorite time of the day,
right after school.

Why, what did you do?

We used to go to my friend Heidi's house...

put on her mother's clothes,
blast music and smoke.

-- Mom!

Don't smoke. Don't smoke.

Oh, Lulu, that was so great.

Honey, you're really
starting to take control...

and literally holding the reins.

Okay, Turner...

would you like to share?

Good work, Turner.


Super job, Lulu. See you next week?

Thank you.

That was really awesome.

I take it you're Turner's grandfather.


I'm Artie Decker.


You seem to be having some trouble

embracing our program, am I right?

Well, let me say first,

that I have professional experience
in this area.

Oh, wonderful.
Where did you receive your degree?

Oh, no degree. No.

I speak for a living.
I'm a baseball announcer.

Little different than a PhD
in speech therapy from Yale. Right?

- Right. Yeah.

That's a point well taken.

But on the other hand,
I sat here for almost an hour...

and I saw these kids
do everything but speak.

So, are you training them to be mimes?

Because a lot of those jobs
are being shipped overseas.

"I'm walking, but there's wind,

"but there's no wind." You know?

Okay. I am employing
the Houghton method.

Now these kids, they're under
too much pressure to speak...

so we make it very
clear that in here, they need not say a word.

They're currently in a movement phase.

Yeah, I saw that.

They're moving everything but their lips.

And he wears these ear buds all the time.

What's that about?

He is listening to the words
that he has trouble with...

and then when
he's comfortable, he can repeat them.

And it's helping him a lot.

How can you tell?

Listen, I haven't seen the kid in a year...

and frankly, I don't see
any improvement at all.

What I see is my grandson is now Flight 38

- from Salt Lake.

Hey, Turner!

Cassandra's just telling me
how great you're doing.

She sees so much improvement. It's great.

Sometimes I shouldn't move my lips.
I'm sorry.

That's not bad.

"Not bad"?
She looks like a 12-year-old widow.

- I do?
- You do.

But that's perfect
for a classical music program.

Well, what about this?

This is perfect for someone
with a cute little hiney.

I love it.

Mom, it's for a concert,
not to meet the fleet.

Hey, it's an audition,
and all auditions are alike.

"Get their attention! "

You sell the sizzle, not the steak.

That's how I got all those weather girl jobs.

So, are you a trained meteorologist?


Oh, honey, I had a tight dress and a pointer.

I used to sing my forecasts.

As a matter of fact, sometimes your mom

used to sing them with me on TV.

Mom, you never even told me that!

I mentioned it.

Remember our winter song?
That was our best one.

No, I don't remember that one.

Sure you do.

We sang it 1,000 times.

I love you. Come on, please.
No one's watching.

Only for you.


Button up your overcoat
in the wintry breeze

Take good care of yourself
'cause it's nine degrees!

Good job, Mom.

Do the spin.

I'll never shop at Bloomingdale's again.

Aw! You still got it, kiddo.

That was great. Ah!

All right, now...

you've got to try this on.
I'm dying to see this on you.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Mom. She cannot wear
a cocktail dress to the audition.

I'd like to feel that you're listening to me.

Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
Did you say something?

No, no.

Look at this. This is a hot little number.

Oh, not for her. For me.

Cue the band.

Hey. What are you doing?

Guarding the door.

Can I go in?

Not today, sir.

Is he crying?

He doesn't cry, he makes the face.

I didn't mean to upset him.

You should've used your exit shoes.

My What?

Exit shoes, to walk away
and not use a red voice.

And a red voice is...?

Super-mad sounding.
You shouldn't use it. Never.

- Uh-huh.
- That's why you have a cool toolbox.

It's where you keep your cool blue voice,

your exit shoes and your repair squares.

Where did you learn all this?


You mean, there are more kids like you?

I'm doomed. All right, I'm going in there.

What's in it for me?

Thank you.

The little capitalist.

Hi, there.

All right, so I am taking a repair
square out of my cool toolbox...

to say in my blue voice, that I am sorry.

So, are we good now?


- Would you like five dollars?
- No.

An unopened package
of men's size 34 underwear?


Is there anything I can do
to make this right?

W-Well, th-there is one thing.


They made six of these?


Now, this is Artie's idea of fun.

Ooh! Look at that.

Who knew ice cream could be a cake?

Yeah. All right, now here's the deal.

Just little pieces...

and you don't tell Mommy
about the movie...

and I don't tell her about the cake.

Okay? All right? Deal? Friends again?

High five! All right.

message. Urgent e-mail from "E-spen. "


Pam Rosen.

You guys okay?

I will be right back.

Ms. Pam Rosen, please.

My name is Cal R. Life.

Yeah. L-Y-P-H-E-T. The "T" is silent.

What a great day.
It's like a birthday that came early.

It was a great day.

And my forecast for the rest of the week...

- Sunny, sunny, sunny.

Back to you, Herb.

Oh, it's your dad, I'll be right in.


Today is your lucky day, Ms. Rosen.

The catfish just jumped
right into your frying pan.

Yeah, Artie Decker, "De Voice" is in town.

He heard about your X Games
and he would love to audition.

I'm just walking in.
Video chat me in 2 minutes, okay?

Hi, Artie, we're back!
Did you have fun with the boys?

Look at this place!
We're going to have to call FEMA!


- Where's Artie?
- He left!

He left?

-- If your mother sees this--

What's going on?

- Hi.

What did you do?

I just got here!

You gave them cake?

I gave them slivers.

Why? Why, Artie?

Because he upset Turner at Speech Class.

- What?
- It was nothing.

I just asked a question.

"Why is nobody speaking?" That's all.

Hello, lave!

I can't wait for
you to get here, me little rabbit.

Shh! Not now! Oh, my.

- Did he have a tattoo?
- Hmm?


Mom! You lied to me!

Yogurt is not like ice cream!

No, honey.


- My favorite!
- Harper!

- Ooh!

This perfectly sums up
your entire approach to parenting.

We had an approach?

I don't know.

Would Artie and
Turner like to continue watching Saw?

You must be mistaken.

Saw, Rated R for strong graphic violence,

nudity and language.


Why did he give them cake?

Because he does what he wants
and she defends him!

Where are the kids now?

Oh, I put them
on the treadmill until they calm down.

I told you my parents cauldn't handle this.

Maybe it's just a case
of first-day, worst-day.


Hey. You better hurry up.
You're going to miss your flight.

Honey, I don't think that I should go today.

Maybe I should go tomorrow morning.

Okay. Yeah.

We 'll still have four days together.


You look good in cake.

What in the world is wrong with you?

What did I say?

What did I say to you?

Just talk to me. Don't yell.

I said, "Artie,
this is a second chance for us."

I said, "Artie, please behave."

I said, "Artie, I really want
those kids to love us!"

Or can't you remember
all the way back to yesterday?

Okay, that's what I did.

When the cake
went in their mouths they loved me!

Yeah, and now Alice
doesn't want to leave us alone with them.

She doesn't trust us!

She said that?

On the phone to Phil.

I accidentally overheard her
when I was listening at the door.

She thinks we're a pair of knuckleheads.

Especially you!

It's the bottom of the ninth, Artie.

We're going to lose the game.

Shape UP-


Wonderful. Oh!


Oh, wow! Harper, that was wonderful!

I stunk.

You most certainly did not!

Wasn't she wonderful?


This will not be good enough
for your audition!

You must practice more!

When my daughter underperforms,
I shun her.

This girl should be shunned!

Practice, practice, practice!

Gee whiz.

Wasn't she the villain
in the last James Bond movie?

Oh! Sweetie, don't listen to her.

You know back in Amarillo,
when Artie was announcing there...

I got this audition
to be the local weather girl.

Well, I was so uptight.

Artie took me out the night before and we
both got bombed!

And the next day I got the job.

So, you're saying I should drink?

No, no, no. I'm not saying that.

I am saying that perhaps you could relax.

You could go out with your friends.

You could have some fun Friday night.
You know?

Friday, I was invited to a--



No, no, no!

I have three more days!
I have to practice! I have to--

I have to practice every second!

Doctor Schveer?


Perhaps we got off on the wrong foot.

But I would like to let you know that...

if you ever speak
to my granddaughter like that again...

there will be nothing left of you,

but some red hair and an accent!

Is that clear, comrade?

Ooh! Thank you. Here you go.



Oh, the first one just laid a base.

This is the real thing. I'm at the ballpark.

He likes baseball, huh?

Yeah, he likes lots of things.

He likes sports.
He likes science, he likes movies.

He likes cake.


He's just hidden behind that... stutter.

Well, you know, kids have a way
of working these things out.

No, they don't, Dad.

That's why there's prison.

All right, guys, bring it in!

Bring it in! Get all those hands in there.

Come on.

Everybody on three. One, two, three...

Let's have fun!

I am so excited about this.

Let's play!

He's pitching!


He has a good arm.

Like Mom, like son.

Yeah, right.

No, you had a hose.

But then you hit puberty
and you got all girlie on me.

Well, gee, Dad,
I'm so sorry that I hit puberty.

I was so proud of you back then.

You were usually the only girl out there.

You used to stand up to those stinky boys.

Do you remember that summer
when you worked for me in the booth...

keeping score and doing stats?

You were so cute, sitting there

- scrunched over your little pencil.

You never saw that ball coming, did you?

You could have yelled "Incoming

I was on the air.
I didn't want to start a panic.

You do love that job.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Yeah, I do.

Batter up!

Ah! This is that bully kid.

Yeah, Ivan.

I would so like to see Turner strike him out.


Strike one!
Hey, he is really good. He's really good.

Way to go, Turner!

Turner Simmons on the mound...

a young Cuban prospect
who escaped on a raft.

He's facing Ivan, a miserable child

who is loathed and despised by everyone.

- Dad!

Swing and a miss! Strike two! Hoo-hoo!

One more strike and it's back

to the dugout
for this eight-year-old bullfrog.


The yearbook said
Ivan is "Most likely to do time."

Simmons looks at him.

He shakes it off.

Here's the pitch.

Strike three!
You're out of there!

Lights out, Alice!

Way to go, Turner! Way to look!

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Blue, Blue! That's three strikes!

One, two, three! Out of there!


It's okay!

This is my dad and he's new here!

Oh, okay. There are no outs in this game.

No outs? How is that possible?

They hit until they get on base.

- Seriously?
- Seriously.

- Dad, why don't we just sit down?
- Oh...

All right.

But you know that's kind of stupid!

Because if you just think of the song...

'Cause it's one, two,
three strikes, you're out...

at the old ball game


until you get a hit

He's right!
I hate these games! What's the point?

The point is for the kids
to enjoy the game without competition.

Yeah, but competition is the game.

You know, it's like life.

Let me ask you something.

I mean, how do you even
know who's winning?

In this league, we don't keep score.

Every game ends in a tie.

Oh, no.

No agony of defeat? Just the thrill of a tie?

It's good they don't keep score!

Yeah, 'cause your kid stinks.

Oh, I will bust you up!

The old guy's right. It's boring.


It is not boring!

They're children and they're having fun!

And there's plenty of time
in their lives to keep score!

- And you are out!
- No, I'm not.

Oh, yeah. Turner, you struck him out.

- No, I didn't.
- Yes, you did.

- You're out.
- No, I'm not!

- You're out!
- No, I'm not!

- Three strikes, you're out!
- No, I'm not!

Barker, what's going on?

Farty is going crazy.


- You're out!
- No, you're out!

Ivan, no hitting!
Use your words!

Yes, Mom.

I'm angry that you said I was out.

Well, it's not boring anymore.

How is this Artie's fault?

All I saw was
that little monster grab a baseball bat...

and hit your father in his... special place.

Well, you didn't see what led up to it.


- It was my fault.
- Oh, honey.

You threatened her violin teacher?

She says "threatened."

I say "defended my granddaughter."

- Phil?
- Hey.

Hey, we won. I won!

I won! Can you believe it?

Oh, my gosh!

That's fantastic! That's fantastic!

- Daddy won!
- Congrats, Dad!

So, they're
giving me the award tomorrow night.

When are you getting here?

You don't know
what's going on here. It's madness.

We can't leave our children
with my parents.

So, what are you saying?
That you're not coming?

Phil, please listen to me. Try to understand.

I'm sorry.

Yeah. I understand perfectly.

All right. Um...

See you when I get back.

Okay. We're going home.



Artie and the kids are going home.

I am taking you to the airport.


Alice, your dad and I have

bent over backwards
to try to do things your way.

You haven't bent over at all.

Oh, I'm bent. Believe me, I'm bent.

Now, look. You asked us to come here

and take care of our grandchildren...

and you haven't given
us the chance to do it.

You have been on our backs,
especially your dad's...

ever since we got here!

Okay, take his side,
because you always do anyway.

And for a good reason.

Because after your kids grow up,

your husband is the one who stays.

Alice, I know
you're trying to be a perfect parent...

but, honey, there's no such thing.

And frankly, you need to show Phil...

he's not just their father,
he's also your husband.

Alice, I'm your mom.
Take it from me, I really get it.

"Love the man, love the dream."

Well, your husband's dream
is coming true...

and part of that dream
is you being there with him!

How can you not go?

Oh, honey, you have to go.

You're going!

What about my clothes?

I don't think he wants you in clothes.

Besides, your luggage is already there.

Hey, kids, Mommy's finally going.

What about my audition?

I'll take care of it! It'll be fantastic!

See you at the ranch.

Oh. no. Bye!

This is a happy day-

Uh, happy day

Could you drive? I don't feel good.

Gonna stand
there gawking? Gonna let me in?

No score here in the bottom
of the seventh with 2 outs.

The Giants and the Atlanta
Braves locked into a pitching duel.

Lincecum and Hudson,
both have been fantastic.

As Buster Posey steps in,
takes a strike in the inside corner.

I got to tell you friends,
this is one of those nights...

72 degrees, 45,000 fans,
smell of the popcorn, the hot dogs...

all of those clich?s,
but I'll tell you something...

there's no other place I'd rather be.

Posey hits
a line drive to third and that'll do it.

That's it, no score through seven.

We'll be back. This is Artie Decker,
De Voice of the Giants.

No school today.

You have tickets for the symphony.

What's wrong with your face?

Oh, and you're such
a pleasure in the morning?

You're not going to like this.


Ow! Ow! Ow!

Is it coming off?

- Well, not exactly.

Sorry, Farty.


Let's go!

I gotta go number two!
I gotta go number two!

No, we're already late!

Artie, just take him.

All right. Okay, batter up! Let's go.

No, no, he can hold it, guys.
He's fine, he can hold it!

The symphony starts at two!


Not today, thank you.


- Hey, buddy.
- Sorry!

So sorry.

That's not human.

- Hurry up!
- Yeah.

Okay. Here we go.


Okay, there you go.

I can't sit on that.

I'll give you 10 bucks.

Daddy always sings to me.


Come out, come out, Mr. Daodie...

and swim in the swimming pool

I know it's dark where you're hiding...

but out here it's really coal

Come on, come on, Mr. Daodie...

'cause we've got something to do

And if you hurry...

you 'll meet Carl the kangaroo


Hey, buddy, can you keep singing?

Come out, come out, Mr. --

Come on.

He's still out there! We're okay! We're okay!

Nothing's the matter.

- Thank you very much.

This way. Come on, honey.

Oh, we made it.

Big crowd. Must be helmet night.

It wasn't that funny.

Carl and I want to leave.

Don't leave your seat.

You said "don't."

Consider the consequences, mister.


It's not me, it's him.

I'm sorry. Kids.

Barker? Barker?

Hey, come back here!

Don't go "no". Yes! Get.


Who brings a child to Tchaikovsky?

- Me. Voodoo-man. Ha!

Carl, come on!

- Gr-Grandma?
- Yes, dear?

Artie's ch-chasing Barker.

Oh, that's nice, dear.


- Ow!

Excuse me. Excuse me!

Excuse me. Barker! Get back here!

- Stop it!
- Barker!

Where is he?

- Over there!
- Barker!



Get over here!

Let's see.

- Artie?
-l'm sorry!

I can't take this anymore!

This whole "teachable moments"
and protecting their self-esteem...

and nobody gets punished!

And every game ends in a tie!

All I hear is
"Use your words. Use your words".

But the word
they never use with these kids is "no"!

Come on, Mr. Decker.

The other patients
are waiting for you in Arts and Crafts.

One second.

I am very sorry for what happened here.

Just split it with her.

Thank you.


Well, he'll be there.

Yeah, Artie Decker.
You're going to love him. He's a pro's pro.

Tomorrow, 11 AM, Piedmont Park.

I'll see-- He'll see you then.

All right, bye now.

Piedmont Park, map.


Who was that?

Market research.
Always at dinner time. How do they know?

Hey, kids, would you sit down?

I have something I want to clear up.
Something's bothering me.

I just want to say...

I was never, ever
going to actually spank Barker.

But you threatened to spank him.

But I never was going to do it.

- But he didn't know that.
- That's why it worked.


- There we go!
- It looks great!

Thank you, honey.

Th-This isn't what-what we asked for.

Yes, I know. I got your e-mails. But--

This is how a family eats.

We all sit at one table
and we all eat the same thing.

It's not how we eat.

But you know something, Barker...

Grandma worked very hard
to make your mom's recipe...

just the way that your mom makes it...

so I think that we owe her the
courtesy of eating it and enjoying it.

Oh, honey, thank you. That is so sweet.

I'm going to order a pizza. Who's in?

Hey, you've been sitting here for hours.

Are you playing a game?

That looks like fun.
Do you just press it here?

No, no, no!

Game aver.

-- Ah...


Turner, let me ask you a question.

You ever watch the X Games?
Stuff like that?


Yeah. Do you think you know the lingo?

You mean like "h-heinous,"
or "gn-gnarled out," or "n-nose bone"?

Yeah, that kind of stuff.

Listen, how about later I tuck you
in and we talk more about this?

S-Sure. Except for the t-tucking in.
I'm eight.

Okay, I get it.

And, listen, I'm sorry
if l embarrassed you the other day.

Wh-Which day was th-that?


One other thing.

This Ivan kid, he's a punk. Stand up to him.

Anything he starts,
you can finish. Believe in yourself.

And once you believe
in yourself, you can do anything.

You can look trouble right in the eye
and just wink at it.

And everything will be okay.
It's all attitude.

Now, how do you turn this on?

Th-That's just a t-table.

Okay, let's go.

Goodbye, Harper,
Turner, Barker, Diane and Farty Decker.

She did that on purpose.

Remember, you're taking Barker
for a play date.


Alice says this is very,
very important.

They're still new here...

and Barker hasn't had
a chance to make new friends, okay?

I got it.

Bye, Barker.


Let me ask you something.

This play date kid, he's imaginary, too?

- No.
- How will I know how to get there?

Use the R-life.
Turner already punched in the address.

Okay. Di, can you pick up
Barker after the play date?

Pick him up? You're supposed
to stay with him the whole time.

What? When did his play date
become my play date?

I can't help you! I got to go, hon.

No, I..


- Bye.
- Bye. Have fun!


All right. Have a good time!

We're going to
have a great time at the play date!

How would you like to ditch this play date?

I hate play dates. No one talks to Carl.

Well, how rude are those people?

Would you like to do something fun
with me?

Great. All right, let's go.

R-life, find me a mall.

Do you guys want to go
to the skatepark later?


What do you want, T-T-Turner?

Listen, p-punk!

Anything that you start...

I-I can f-finish!

We were at our locker and he ran up...

and it was such an awkward silence.
I had no idea what to say.

So, are you coming to my party?

Oh, hi. Oh, I don't think that I can.

I got to go. See you tonight, I hope.

Oh, please don't go.

He so likes you.

So, Tony, are you
going to bust a 900 today, dude?

Or are you going show us
something that's going to blow our minds.

Something we've never seen before?

I don't know. Maybe I'll try a 900...

and then give you a tattoo
right in the middle of it.

Come on! We're late!

But I have to go pee-pee!

I don't have
a song for that.


Talk a little bit about that
particular night and you hitting the 900.

It wasn't something I planned to do.

It was just I had hit my best...

I got to go pee!

How does it feel to be back in Atlanta?

Hey, I'm here.
Sorry I'm late. Motorcycle trouble.

I'm Artie "Mad Dog" Decker!
What's up, homeslice?

You're Artie Decker?

Reporting for duty.

We up for the same job?

I hope not.

Wait a second. You don't know who this is?

Of course I do.

Dude, this is Tony Hawk, man!

Yeah, Tony Hawkman. How you doing?

All right.

- Who's the kid?
- This is my agent.

Too many facelifts.

If he gets one more, he's going back in time.

I'm going to go take my runs.

So, how do we roll?

How do we roll?

Well, we roll this way.

The riders are practicing, so you just

ad lib like it's the actual event.

Just call it like I see it?

- That's it.
- Okay, dope.

Hey, can't have a kid up here, man.

No, no, no. Kid's with me. He's fine.

We're just going to go right over there.

I promise you,
everything's going to be good.

You sit right here. Okay?

Carl and I have to go pee-pee.

Just give me one minute...

and I promise
you can do all the peeing that you want.

- But we really--
- Shh!

Farty has spoken.

- Ready?
- Yeah, yeah, coming.

- Okay.
- Go! Go, go.

Hello there, everybody!

It's a beautiful day
and thanks for coming out!

- Here's one--

- What?
- He's finished. The run's over.

Oh. All right. Uh...

Give me one more chance.
I'm just warming up.

Hey, even Sinatra cleared his throat.

All right, pops, come on. Try to keep up.

Ready? Three, two...

It is on
and it is epic.

We're expecting to see
a frontside heelflip 540...

990 body varial with a Cab 7 Melon Grab.

Melon Grab, my cousin got arrested

on the subway for melon-grabbing.

Tony started when he was very young.

He actually skated out of his mother.

Can I ask you something?
I wonder about this.

- Absolutely.
- How do you practice these tricks...

before you get really good at them?

Do you say, "I'm just
going to do this. Somebody get a mop"?

Wait. Is that a kid on the half-pipe?



Barker, what are you doing?

I told you I had to pee.

ls all that coming out of you?

- I saved it up.
- When? Since birth?

What you did back there
was pretty dangerous.

Do you know that?

Carl told me to do it.

I don't think Carl is being
a very good friend to you.

For a kangaroo,
he's something of a thrill-seeker.

And I think it's time
that you start telling Carl what to do.

One other thing.

I was supposed to...

watch after you today,
and I didn't do a good job.

I'm sorry.

So, Farty would appreciate it...

if when we get home...

you don't tell
anyone what happened. Okay?

Twenty bucks.


Let's go home. Come on.

Carl, come on.

- How could you?
- What?

You think I don't know?

I want my 20 bucks back.

He's just a little boy!

He's fine.

Fine? Take a look at him.

Not him. Turner.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about Turner
and that brilliant advice you gave him.


I have to ask, did you hit him back?

- No.
- Why not?

B-Because I hit him f-first.

Oh. Then he--

He started screaming
and s-someone helped him fight me.

Two against one? How big was this other--

It was his little sister.

She did this.

Turner, this is all my fault.

When I said stand
up for yourself, I didn't mean hitting.

All right, listen.

Oh, boy. The older I get,
the lower the floor gets.

Turner, can I share something with you?

Just between me and you.
No one else knows this.

This is just two guys talking.

When I was your age,
I was very shy because I was short.

I didn't talk to anybody.

And my self-esteem...

You know, the way
I feel about myself, was really bad.

Do you ever feel that way?

Yeah? Well, you know what? You shouldn't.

Because you're a great kid.

All right, I want to play you something.

Hey, house, I want to play something.


Oh. Okay.

Now, the first time I heard this...

I knew right away that I had found my voice.

I knew that I had to become
a baseball announcer.

And once I knew that...

it didn't matter what anybody
else thought or said about me.

Sh-sh-shot heard round the w-world?

Right. The shot heard round the world.

Let me tell you about it.

It's 1951. Long time ago.

Brooklyn Dodgers,
New York Giants.

And they hated each other.

L-Like Luke S-Skywalker and D-Darth Vader.


Well, the baseball season ends
and they're tied.

Now, this one game would decide...

who would go to the World Series

against the great New York Yankees.

Biggest game in the history of New York.

Bottom of the ninth inning, two outs,

the Giants are losing 4 to 2...

and a batter
named Bobby Thomson comes up to bat.

Bobby Thomson
up there swinging.

He '5 had two out of three,

a single and a double, and Billy Cox is--

Close your eyes. Close your eyes, come on.

Close your eyes and you can see it.

Bobby hitting at .292.

Lockman without
too big of a lead at second?

but he 'll be running like the wind
if Thomson hits one.

Branca throws.

There's a long drive!
It's gonna be, I believe--

The Giants win the pennant!

The Giants win the pennant!
The Giants win the pennant!

The Giants win the pennant!

Bobby Thomson hits
into the lower deck of the left field stands!

The Giants win the pennant...

and they're going crazy, they're going crazy!

And home!

I don't believe it!

I do not believe it!

The Giants won it by a score of 5 to 4...

and they're picking Bobby Thomson up?

and carrying him off the field!

That's what gave me my dream.

Now the big dream,
of course, was to announce for the Giants.

D-Did you?

No. But--.

Y-You still might?

You never know.

C-C-Can I h-hear it again?


Bobby Thomson
up there swinging.

He '5 had two out of three,

a single and a double,
and Billy Cox is playing--

Honey, we're going to play a
game. You want to join us?

- Grandma, I can't.
- Why?

Because if l don't do well tomorrow...

then I won't get into
the Atlanta Youth Symphony...

which is a feeder for Juilliard...

which offers a graduate class
with Sarah Chang...

whose students are virtually guaranteed

to get into the Berlin Philharmonic...

which is the orchestra
I most want to play in.

- Sweetheart.
- Yes.

Berlin's not going anywhere.

Well, neither am I if l don't practice.

Okay, I'll tell the boys. But you're sure now?



Gentlemen, the game is called Kick the Can.

Are you going to recycle that?

I-It's d-dirty out here.

And windy!

I know. It's called "outside."

Is she coming?

Oh, too bad.

All right, guys, the object of the game,

kick the can without getting tagged!

Okay, here we go!

Come on!

Kick... Come on.

S-Sounds b-boring.


Oh. yeah?

Who wants a chance to clobber old Artie?


- And then see him eat dirt!

And then kick the can so hard...

it goes in one ear and out the other!

I do! I do!

I do!

-- In my ear?

Out of my way, Farty.

Over here!

Good kick!

Turner, it's mine!

I got it, I got it!

Look out for me, I'm Super Artie!

Watch it, watch it!

Pass me the can!

Over here.


- Well!

Okay. Let the games begin!

Come on!

- Ah!
- Ooh!

Are you okay?

I'm fine.

You should see the other guy!

- I got more ice.
- Oh, thank you, honey.

It should be stopping soon.

I should start dinner.


Yes, dear?

I know my
audition is tomorrow, but I practiced all day.

And you said I should relax
the night before...

and there's this party tonight.

It's the first party
I've been invited to since we moved.

What if I just went for a half an hour...

came right back home,
got a really good night's sleep?

What kind of a party?

Just this party for some boy.

He kind of likes me.

I'll do your make-up!


I wish we could stay.

Yeah, we should do this, like--

Yeah, like...

- Every week?
- Yes.

The child
that was involved was not injured.

Take a look and a listen to this.

It was scary. I was about to nail this 900...

and ti? ere '5 this kid up ti? ere
just whizzing a way.

I hit his stream
and l fishtailed, and now it's on YouTube.

It's got more hits than Charlie the Unicorn.

And when l asked what he was
doing, you know what he said?

"I was chasing Carl, my kangaroo. "

That's one twisted little dude.

This is from Tony Hawk's practice
run this morning at the X Games.

And you know, it kind of begs the question...

what kind of parent would let their child

wander out onto the half-pipe?


How is this for bonding?

I taught them how to shave.

Yeah. Show her your legs, boys.

That's great!

And guess what? I ordered
Chinese? I mean, Pan Asian, for dinner.


All right, go upstairs and change.

When you come down,
we're going to arm-wrestle Grandma.

How come we just had one?

- It's not too late.
- Oh!

It's really late. Come here,
I want to show you something.

- What?
- Look at this.

- That's Alice's song.
- Yeah.

She was, like, three or four years
old, how did she remember?

I don't know,
but it's at the top of her playlist.

- Wow.
- Aw!

We must have sang that song
a thousand times to her in the car!

- You know you want to.
- I don't want to sing it.

Oh, I wonder, wonder,

Who wrote the book of love?

Tell me, tell me, tell me
Oh, who wrote the book of love?

l got to know the answer
was it someone from above?

Oh, I wonder, wonder,
whom ba-doo-hoo-whom.

Who wrote the book of love?

What is that?

Chapter one says you lave her,

you love her with all your heart

Chapter two, you tell her...

you're never
never never never ever gonna part

And chapter three, remember...

the meaning of romance

And chapter four, you break up

But you give her just one more chance

Oh, I wonder, wonder,

Who wrote the book of love?

I wonder who

- Yeah.

Who wrote the book of love?

Thank you.


We're down here.

- Oh!
- Oh, boy.

Oh, Harper. Oh, this is great.

Wait, my camera.



Oh, honey, you look so great!

Thank you.

You look so beautiful.

Artie, what do you think
of your granddaughter now?

- Wow. Ooh.
- Oh!

-- Whoa!

Doesn't she look like her mom, huh?

Just like her mom.

Hey, it stopped raining.

Carl says we should go outside
and play again!

Oh, no, Barker, it's too muddy.

But he wants to.

Barker, remember what we talked about?

You're the boss of Carl.
You tell him what to do.

We can't go out now, Carl.

Carl, no!

- Stop!
- What's wrong?

He ran away.
He said he's never coming back.

Oh, he'll come back.
He has to pick up his mail.

Yeah, mail.

Makes sense.

- Barker!
- Carl!

-- Artie, get him.

Barker has left without adult supervision.

Carl, don't go!


Goodbye, Artie Decker.


How many heart attacks can you give me?

Oh, no, no, no!

- Barker, are you okay?
- He's fine.

What, are you hurt?

Look, can't you see?

He's dead, the car killed him! Carl is dead!

What? No! I killed Carl?

Oh, honey, he's fine. He's just dazed.

Yeah, yeah. Carl, you're okay, aren't you?

Yeah, I'm all right, mate. I'm all right!

- That wasn't Carl, that was you!
- Shut up!

No, he's not all right!

He's dead! He's mushed all over the road.

His head is here and his body's over there!

It's your fault! You made me get
into a fight with him!

We are so past weird.

I love Carl!

I even pack extra fortune cookies for him!

Excuse me, what's Chinese for mental case?


We were cruising
and heard the alarm. ls everyone okay?


No, he's dead! The car killed him!

He came out of nowhere!

Officer, you're wasting your time.

What happened? Why are the police here?

Why is the alarm on?

- Oh, hi!
- Mommy!

- Was there a break-in?
- It's nothing.

It's absolutely nothing.
What are you doing home?

I killed Carl!

- What?
- You killed Carl? How?

Who is Carl? Is he a family member?

- Yes!
- No!

He's a kangaroo!

He's a what?

Turner, your eye!

How did that happen?

Artie did it?

Oh, no, no, no. lvan's sister did it. I did that.

You hit Mom?

It was an accident!

Ma'am, would you like to file a complaint?


We were playing a game.

That's the dress.

Does she have make-up on?

Don't growl at us.

This is unbelievable.

We leave and she's 12,
we come home and she's 16.

Boys, go in the house.

Turner, turn off the alarm, please.

You know, you're not supposed
to be back until tomorrow.

Well, we were just so curious...

as to why Barker was nearly
killed this morning at the X Games!

Uh-oh! Get your taser ready.

That's not right.

Barker was at a play date
this morning with Artie.

Oh. yeah?

I was in a little bind...

and I had to take him
with me on some business.

What business did you have
at the X Games?

Yeah, Artie, what business?


Aren't we forgetting
the most serious issue here?

What issue?

The death of an imaginary kangaroo.

He's imaginary?


You can go.

Would someone please explain
what happened to Carl?

We were playing Kick the Can...

and it started to rain,
so we all came indoors...

and I was helping
Harper get dressed for her party.

A party? You're throwing a party?

No, Dad, I'm going to a party.

No, Dad, I'm going to a party.

For a boy who likes her.

A boy? What boy?

The night before your audition?
Are you kidding?

I told her she could go.

It's ridiculous. It is out of the question.

Maybe it's ridiculous for me to spend

all my time practicing the violin...

never doing anything else
and auditioning for a school tomorrow...

where I'm never going to do anything else

the whole rest of my life.


Well, she's using her words.

Harper. Harper!
I cannot allow you to take a talent...

a gift to which you have
dedicated so much time and effort...

and throw it away on a whim.

I hate you and I wish
anyone else was my mother!

Maybe not those words.

Thanks, Mom and Dad.

I couldn't have
gotten through the week without you.

I say we head for the airport right now.

Don't even take our clothes
we just skedaddle.

I followed you for 35 years, Artie.

Wherever you needed to be,
that's where I was.

No complaints.

Well, some.

But this week...

This week was supposed to be about
us and our grandchildren.

Not you.

Not you.

Did you have to go to that audition?

It's not one of my better moments.

For one wonderful hour...

we weren't the "other" grandparents.


There you are.

You okay?

I've had better Mommy days.

You know, it may not have been
horrible to let her go to that party.

I know.

I just walked into that scene and I freaked.

I can't believe my parents killed Carl.

Well, I was thinking about that.

You know, they didn't kill
Carl, only Barker could do that.

And it somehow took us
not being here for him to do it.

So, what's your point?

Maybe we coddle him too much.

Maybe he needed a little tough love...

to let go of his imaginary friend.

But, Phil, that would make my father right.

Yeah. We can't have any of that.


I could come back.

No, no, no, it's okay.

I'm going to check on Barker.

Thanks, Phil.

I'm sorry.

For what?

Narrow it down for me, Dad.

For this week.

For almost getting Barker hurt today.

I just feel terrible about that.

What were you even doing there?

I was on an audition.

Because the Grizzlies fired me.


Why didn't you tell us?

Because it's humiliating.

Why would they do that?

You're so good at that job.

Maybe not good enough.


your mom was really hoping...

that this trip would help bring
her closer to her grandchildren.

And she and Harper have developed

a relationship that's kind of great...

and I don't want
to see that end just because I screwed up.

- What about you?
- Hmm?

Don't you want a relationship
with your grandchildren?

Of course I do.

I mean...

like an hour
before you came home, it was really good.

It's just that sometimes...

I don't feel...


...welcome, here.

What happened to us, Dad?

How old were you when Harper was born?

- Twenty-six.
- Mmm-hmm.

Did you know what you were doing?


I was 23 when you came along.

And I was terrified, because you didn't
come with any instructions.

And I thought I was doing okay.

Because unlike my father,
I wasn't constantly telling you...

what an annoying little waste
of time you were...

and believe me, I'm cleaning that up.

And I thought that we were
actually having fun.

Me and the weather girl...

and the cutest little girl you ever saw,
traveling around the country.

But then years go by,
and your daughter goes off to college...

and she doesn't come home
for Thanksgiving or Christmas.

Or summers.

Or ever.

And you get these clues, this inkling...

that perhaps all those years
she wasn't having such a good time...

and that maybe she thought
you didn't do such a good job.

And that really hurts. Doesn't it?


So, little girl,
I have to give you three put-ups.

- No, Dad.
- Please.

It's okay.

Harper, Turner, Barker.

They're great kids
and you're a really good mother.


I'm basking in the glow
of my children's affection.

Harper? She didn't mean anything.

I mean, she's 12.

Get ready, it's going to get a lot worse.

Only, don't let her turn her back on you.

Because that will break your heart.


No. Um...

Barker has a special request
for tomorrow, before the audition.

And it involves all of us.

Carl, your two favorite things were milk
and tofu dogs.

Now, you can have both forever.

Grandma, thanks for decorating the box.

Oh, honey, it was my pleasure.


Can Artie say something nice for Carl?


How do you--.

I'm sorry, Carl.

He died so young.


How do you say goodbye
to somebody you could never say hello to?

It's hard.

I didn't get to see Carl very often,

but then again, nobody else did.

Except for Barker...

which is what made him so special.

Carl wasn't just Barker's friend,
he was a part of him.

And that made him a part of all of us.

Carl, you will forever be in our hearts.

Keep on hopping, buddy.


Alice, you take Harper backstage.
We'll grab some seats.

Barker, Turner, you're with us.

- Good luck.
- Knock them dead.


Break a leg.

Bye, Dad.

Don't applaud. That's that woman!

Good evening.

Welcome family, friends
and distinguished judges...

to the Atlanta Performing Arts Center.

I am Doctor Sch veer.

We have 74 amazingly talented musicians...

all vying for one position
at this prestigious conservatory.

So, without further ado I give you

Chet Halloran on the saxophone

Yeah! Go Chet!

Hang on a second, honey.

You know,
when you were just five years old...

we took you to that
little music school for the first time.

And all the other kids
they were just banging on things.

One kid tried to play another kid.

But from that very first day, you played.

And not just played...

you had this look
of such fulfillment on your face.

And I said to your dad, "Whatever it takes...

"whatever we have to do, I always

"want to see that look on her face."

Lately, I'm not seeing it.

So, honey, do you
really not want to switch schools again?


What do you say we ditch this audition?


Yeah. It's okay.

Mommy, I didn't mean what I said.

Oh, baby.

I wouldn't want anyone else to be my mom.

And I love you.

That's good
because you're my only daughter.

And you know,
I don't really understand the boys.

I know. How weird are they?

Yeah, yeah!

Hi, baby.

We regret to inform you
of a slight change in our program.

Harper Simmons has forfeited her slot...

and her future.

Since the next performer is warming up...

we're going to have to take
a 10 minute break.

Hey. what's going on?

She's not going to audition.

You're not disappointed in me, are you?

Oh, no, no, no. That's not even a possibility.

Is this is all my fault? It is, isn't it?

I came 3,000 miles
to ruin my granddaughter's life.

It's not your fault.

- Really?
- It was our choice.

I love you.

Here, take my picture, Phil.

- Get in there.

Uh, where's Turner?

You! Kid!


Bobby Thomson, up there swinging.

He's had two out of three,
a single and a double...

and Billy Cox is playing him
right an the third base line.

One out, last of the ninth. Branca pitches.

Bobby Thomson takes a strike
called on the inside corner.

Bobby hitting at .292.

He '5 had a single and a double?

and he drove in
the Giants first run with a long ?y to center.

Lockman without
too big of a lead at second...

but he 'll be
running like the wind if Thomson hits one.

Branca throws.

There's a long drive!
It's gonna be, I believe--

The Giants win the pennant!
The Giants win the pennant!

The Giants win the pennant!

The Giants win the pennant...

and they're going crazy.

They're going crazy!

And home!

I don't believe it! I don't believe it!

- I do not believe it!

Bobby Thomson hit a line drive...

into the lower deck of the left field stands?

and the place is going crazy!

The Giants won it by a score of 5 to 4...

and they're picking Bobby Thomson up

and carrying him off the field!

Yeah! Yeah!


I saw it. I saw it, Artie.

Call me Grandpa.

My big boy. How on earth...?

Grandpa taught me.


Your father was wrong.

So was yours.

Oh, Al.

How much would it
embarrass you if l kissed you right now?

I think a lot.

As soon as we get home.

Okay, I look forward to it.

Dr. Schveer, I shun you.

You are shunned.

My friends, it's taken me over 35 years
to say these words...

it's opening day for the Giants

and we've got a capacity crowd.

Giants are out in the field.
There's Charlie "The Naz" Naznic...

batting .290, takes his stance at the plate.

Yes, Art. Let's see
if Naz can get his team out of a jam.

Okay, Turner, here's the action.

Naz swings!

He gets some wood on that one!

Hard drive to Barker Simmons.

Ooh! It's through his legs.

Walters has it. No, Walters loses it.

Sherman's got a glove down.
No, he stopped to pick his nose.

Now, Douglas is sitting down
and taking off his shoes...

because his mom said to me
before the game...

"Sometimes he's in another world."

Sherman still working
on that thing in his nose.

Man, that must be really packed in there!

You betcha!

Naz rounds second, heads for third.

Sherman has the booger!
Sherman has the booger!

I don't believe it! I do not believe it!

The other players are coming over
to examine it.

I can see it from here!

Wow, you could take
an aerial photograph of that thing!

I'm sure there's going
to be orange slices in the locker room...

and a couple of tissues.

Meanwhile, Naz scores.
And that is another home run!

The Giants are still leading, 34 to 27.

What a first inning!

You're telling me.

I hope the second inning is shorter

because grandpa needs a bathroom break.

- Whoo!
- Go Barker!

Our next batter is coming
up to the plate.

He's number three, Barker Simmons.

Yeah, Barker!

Young man with incredible
power. Three-foot-four and 45 pounds.

He hits it to shortstop. Oh, it's through!

Barker heading towards first base.

No, he makes a right turn!

He makes a right turn.

Barker, go back!

He's going the wrong way.

What are you doing here?

I just wanted to say hi.

He just wanted to say hi.

Well, I don't think I've ever heard--

Turn around, everybody. Take our picture.

Okay, picture.

{got to
tell you friends, this is one of those days

Seventy-eight degrees,
the sold out crowd of 56' fans...

the smell of the popcorn, the hot dogs?

the loud pushy parents, and the crying kids.

But I'll tell you something,
there's no other place I'd rather be.

Andes my grandson Barker
said to me this morning...

"Man, your feet smell like cheese. "

This is Artie Decker,
De Voice of the Peewee Giants..

saying see you next game!

And, lights out, Alice.

Settle dawn,
it'll all be clear

Don '1' pay no mind
to the demons

They fill you with fear

The trouble, it might drag you down

If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you're not alone

'Cause I'm going to make
this place your home

Andy? Andy, there's no paper.

Anyone have five singles for a five?