Pardon Us (1931) - full transcript

Laurel and Hardy Pardon Us -
Comedy 1931 Eng Subs [H264-mp4]

[ Car horn beeps ]

This is the place I “was telling you about.

Twelve pounds of sugar...

Three cans malt.

Twelve cakes of yeast. Pfft!

What did you say?

Twelve cakes of yeast. Pfft!

When are you gonna get that tooth fixed?

Every time you speak
you make a funny noise.

It sounds like a pipe organ.



One dozen packages of hops.

And three crooks.

Now, let's see.

[ Muttering ]

Carry two.

Now. For eight dollars and six cents,
are can make 15 gallons.

But we can't drink 15 gallons. Pfft!

What we can't drink, are can sell.

Come on.

[ Bell ringing ]

[ Door clanging ]

- Hello, Warden.
- Hello, John.

- How's everything?
- Pretty busy.

I've got a couple of fish for you. So long.



See you later. Bye, boys.

Well, here's another nice mess
you've gotten me into.

What do you mean I got you into? Pfft!

Well, you sold that policeman
that bottle of beer, didn't you?

I didn't know he was a policeman.

I thought he “was
a street car conductor. Pfft!

Hey, me over here.

- What's your name?
- Stanley Laurel.

Say 'sir' when you're addressing me.

Now what's your name?

Sir Stanley Laurel. Pfft!

He can't help that, sir.
It's a loose tooth, sir.

Yeah? Well, we'll be seeing to that.

What's your name?

Oliver Nowell Hardy... sir.

Hm!

A couple of beer barons, eh?

All right, Shields. Frisk 'em.

[ Bell ringing ]

[ Ringing skips ]

OK.

All right. Give 'em the works.

Come on.

[ Bell ringing ]

[ Ringing skips ]

Come on. Let's go.

Smile.

[ Shields ] Next.

[ Ollie ] Pssst!

Smile.

[ Photographer ] Fine.

Come on.

If they turn out good, can I have one?

Come on. Get outta here.

Come on.

Hey, you. Fall in.

Huh. Clowning, eh?

[ Bell ringing ]

Let's go.

The new men are here, sir.

My, my.

And still they me.

Let us begin with a perfect understanding.

I am just as sorry to see you here
as you are to be here.

Keep one thing in mind.

It all depends on you yourselves

just how you're going to fare
during your stay here.

Never forget that this is a prison.

And in a prison, all rules must be obeyed.

Discipline is the one thing
that must be observed.

If you are good prisoners,
everything will be OK.

If you're not, if you break the rules,

then it will be just plain hell on earth.

Do you understand?

Yes, sir. Pfft!

- It was his...
- Shut up, you!

Put 'em in cell 14.

Not in the with the Tiger, sir.

- Put them in cell 14!
- Yes, sir!

Get them out of here
before I lose my temper.

Talking to the warden like that!

A fine piece of business!

Convicts talking to the warden.

Why, I'll take those men
and I'll break 'em!

I'll put 'em in cell 14 and I'll get a hose
in there! That's what I'll do.

Upstairs.

This way.

- [ Inmate ] Hello, there, buddy.
- Shut up!

- What?
- Amos and Andy.

Hello, squirt.

Hello. Pfft!

All right. Inside.

Come on. Inside!

I said, hello, squirt.

Hello. Pfft!

- I'm sorry, sir, but that “was his...
- Shut up!

Hey, hey, hey!

What are you doing there?
Keep off of my head!

Pardon me. I'm a stranger here.

Put her there.

You're the first guy that ever had
the nerve to raspberry the Tiger.

I like a guy that does that.

What are you in for?

We're a couple of beer barons.
[ Blows raspberry ]

- [ Inmates mumbling ]
- Ah, shut up!

Hey. You and me is gonna be good pals.

Thank you. Pfft!

Hey.

I heard you the first time.

Now don't take advantage
of my good humour.

- If you do...
- [ Stan screaming ]

Hey!

[ Guard ] What's going on in there?

Here? Oh, it's the fish.

Er, just a little nervous, I guess.

One more peep
and I'll throw you in the hole.

Turn it in there. Go to bed.

OK.

[ Guard ] Hey. Pipe down, in there.
Pipe down.

[ Snoring ]

[ Inmates shouting ]

Good morning, pupils.

[ All ] Good morning, teacher.

♪ [ Long note ] ♪

♪ [ All singing note ] ♪

♪ Good morning to you, ♪
♪ good morning to you ♪

♪ Good morning dear teacher, ♪
♪ good morning to you ♪

Very. Very good.

Now, once more.

♪ Good morning to you, ♪
♪ good morning to you ♪

♪ Good morning, dear playmates, ♪
♪ good morning to you ♪

In as much as you are new pupils,
I'll excuse that.

But I'll have no playing in my class!

Now, the first lesson
this morning will be...

Aha!

[ Both ] Aha!

- Sit down!
- [ All groaning ]

♪ [ All singing note ] ♪

♪ Good morning to you, good mor... ♪

Er... We will now have the roll call.

Those that are here will answer 'Present'.
Those that are not here will say 'Absent'.

We shall now have Ah! Intelligence test.

- Who was Columbus?
- The mayor of Ohio.

- What did he do?
- He died.

Well, of course he died. Who killed him?

Cock Robin.

- Who said that?
- I did.

Correct.

What is a blizzard?

A blizzard?

A blizzard is the inside of a buzzard.

Fresh, huh?

How many times does three go into nine?

- Three times.
- Correct.

And two left over.

- What are you laughing at?
- There's only one left over.

D'oh!

Listen. You spell 'needle'.

N-E-I-D-L-E.

There is no 'I' in needle.

Then it's a rotten needle.

Who did that?

If I find out who did it,
they'll stand in the corner.

- [ Inmates groaning ]
- [ Clears throat ] Now...

What is a meteor?

You.

Comet?

A meteor is a star with a tail on it.

Right.

Name one.

Rin Tin Tin.

D'oh!

Just for that, you'll stay after school.

[ Teacher ] Let's see
what I taught you yesterday.

[ Inmates ] One plus one is two.
Two and two is four.

Three and three is six.
Four and four is eight.

Five and five is ten. Six and six is 12.

Seven and seven is 14.
Eight and eight is 16.

Nine and nine is 18. Ten and ten is 20...

[ Inmates continue reciting tables ]

[ Teacher ] Very good.

All right. Inside.

Not you.

This is your suite.

Have you got the time?

- Ollie?
- What?

I wonder how long we're
going to be in here.

Oh, about two months, I guess.

Gee. That's a month apiece.

[ Ollie ] 'A month apiece'!

You can take it from me.
When I get out, I'm going back on the farm.

Boy, there's the life.

I can see it now.

Rows and rows of sweet corn
swaying in the breezes.

Honey bees buzzing in the clover.

And the smell of new-mown hay in the air.

- Ollie?
- What?

Did you say you can see all that?

Why, certainly.

That's funny. I can't see a thing.
It's dark in here.

Haven't you got any imagination?

Can't you imagine us
growing strawberries and raspberries?

I don't like raspberries.

Well, we'll grow watermelons.
Sun-kissed watermelons.

We'll plant acres and acres of watermelons.

We'll have more than we can eat.

[ Stan ] And what we
can't eat, we can sell.

[ Ollie ] Well, just for that,
I won't take you with me.

[ Stan, whimpering ] Don't leave me here!
[ Guard ] Shut up! Go to sleep, you guys!

[ Stan whimpering ]

Hey, fellas, this looks like our big day.

What's the use? They've doubled the guards
on the gate. We'll never get through.

It's now or never. If are don't take a
chance now, how are are gonna find out?

- [ Bell rings ]
- Look. They're opening the gates.

[ Tiger ] Now's our chance.

Wail a minute, wail a minute.
Let's... I've got Ah! Idea.

I'll find out what's outside of them gates.

Hey.

Hello, pal. Hey. Pal-

- How are you?
- Hello, buddy.

Come over here.

- Hello, there.
- Well, well, well.

Where have you guys been?

We've been down in the hole.

Solitary confinement.

- All right.
- [ Siren ]

- What's wrong, man?
- It's the Tiger.

They've made a break with those
two new fish. They have a running start.

Call out every man. Cover every inch
of ground, north, south, east, west.

Call up every police station within 50 miles.
Get in touch with the sheriffs office.

We captured the Tiger's gang. We caught
them down the old stone quarry.

But it's those two new fish.
They got away. Not a sign of them.

They disappeared as if
the earth swallowed them.

Well, don't worry about those two babes
in the woods. Use the bloodhounds.

Those hounds never fail. They'll trail
them so straight, it'll be a cinch.

Those hounds are ferocious killers. Ha ha!

I'd like to see their face
when they hear those hounds. Hop to it.

Yes, sir.

♪ Keep edgin' along, keep edgin' along ♪

♪ Cos the saviour is a-coming by and by ♪

♪ Keep edgin' along ♪
♪ like the poor man's work ♪

♪ Cos the saviour is a-coming by and by ♪

♪ For He's the Lord and the Lord is He ♪

♪ Cos the saviour is a-coming by and by ♪

♪ For He's the Lord and the Lord is He ♪

♪ The saviour is a-coming by and by ♪

♪ The Lord died one time, ♪
♪ ain't gonna die no more ♪

♪ Cos the saviour is a-coming by and by ♪

♪ The Lord died one time, ♪
♪ ain't gonna die no more ♪

♪ Cos the saviour is a-coming by and by ♪

♪ Keep edgin' along, ♪
♪ keep a-hedging along ♪

♪ Cos the saviour is a-coming by and by ♪

♪ Keep edgin' along, ♪
♪ like the poor man's work ♪

♪ Cos the saviour is a-coming by and by ♪

Call it a day.

[ Working continue singing ]

They'll never recognise us
in a hundred years.

For on in your life,
you've hit upon a good idea.

A practical idea.

Say, what about the tooth, the buzzer?

Oh, I fixed that too. I vulcanized it.

- You what?
- I vulcanized it.

I put some chewing gum in there
and it don't buzz any more.

You're actually using your brains.

That's what mes
from associating with me.

- What do you mean, associating...
- Tut-tut-tut-tut-tut.

- Tut-tut-tut-tut...
- [ Whistling ]

Come on here.
You're always dragging behind.

Come here.

Now, me on. Let's go.

Come on. Let's go. Come on.

That's the way. Come on.

♪ Swing along, Chillun,
swing along de lane ♪

♪ Lif' yo' head Ah!' yo'
heels mighty high ♪

♪ Swing along, Chillun,
'taint a-goin' to rain ♪

♪ Sun's as red as a nose in the sky ♪

♪ Come along, Mandy, me along, Sue ♪

♪ While folks watchin' ♪
♪ Ah!' seein' what you do ♪

♪ While folks jealous ♪
♪ when you'se walkin' two by two ♪

♪ So swing along, Chillun, swing along! ♪

♪ Well-a, swing along, yes-a, swing along ♪

♪ Ah!'-a lif-a yo' heads up high ♪

♪ Wif pride Ah!' gladness ♪
♪ gleamin' from yo eye ♪

♪ Well-a, swing along, yes-a, swing along ♪

♪ From a early morn till night ♪

♪ Lif' vo' head Ah!' yo' heels mighty high
♪ ♪ Ah!'-a saving brf lef' Ah!' right ♪

♪ Swing along, Chillun,
swing along de lane ♪

♪ Swing along, Chillun,
'taint a-goin' to rain ♪

♪ Well-a, swing along, yes-a, swing along ♪

♪ Swing along, swing along de lane ♪

I'm going to name this one Oliver.

Sing it, boys.

♪ Gonna ride that train, ♪
♪ I mean that southbound passenger train ♪

♪ Gonna buy me a ticket ♪
♪ just as long as my arm ♪

♪ I'm gonna ride that train, ♪
♪ babe, all night long ♪

♪ I'm gonna ride that train, ♪
♪ I mean that southbound passenger train ♪

♪ Go choo-choo, ride the train, ♪
♪ all aboard for Birmingham ♪

♪ Got a letter from a jazz babe ♪
♪ in Birmingham ♪

♪ I got a letter from a jazz babe ♪
♪ in Birmingham ♪

♪ Well, she dressed so neat ♪
♪ and she looked so sweet ♪

♪ And when she walks ♪
♪ she'll take you off of your feel ♪

♪ She is a fine one, ♪
♪ red hot, from Birmingham ♪

♪ That southern jack, ♪
♪ that great big southern jack ♪

♪ The first thing you do ♪
♪ is take a shovel and you go ♪

♪ Put your head out the window ♪
♪ and watch the drivers roll ♪

♪ That southern jack, ♪
♪ that great big southern jack ♪

♪ Wooooo ♪

♪ Wooooo ♪

♪ Woo-woo, all aboard for Birmingham ♪

♪ [ Choir hum Lazy Moon ] ♪

♪ Laa-daaa-daaa-dee ♪

♪ Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da, ♪
♪ dee-dee-dee-dee ♪

♪ Lazy moon ♪

♪ Come out soon ♪

♪ Make my poor heart be warmer ♪

♪ Right the way blight as day ♪

♪ For my sweet little charmer ♪

♪ Now she's to meet me
in the lane tonight ♪

♪ If the sky is blight and clear ♪

♪ Oh, moon, don't keep me wailing ♪
♪ here tonight ♪

♪ Watching and a-wailing ♪

♪ Heart a-palpitating ♪

♪ Longing for my little lady love ♪

♪ Lazy moon ♪

♪ Lazy moon ♪

♪ Why don't you show your
face upon the hill ♪

♪ Lazy moon ♪

♪ Come out soon ♪

♪ You can make me happy if you will ♪

♪ Now when my lady ♪
♪ sees your face a-peeping ♪

♪ A-peeping ♪

♪ Then I know a promise she'll be keeping ♪
♪ A-keeping ♪

♪ Tell me, what's the matter, ♪
♪ are you sleeping ♪

♪ Lazy moon ♪

[ Applause ]

♪ Lazy moon ♪

♪ Lazy moon ♪

♪ Why don't you show your
face upon the hill ♪

♪ Lazy moon, come out soon ♪

♪ You can make me happy if you will ♪

♪ Now, when my lady ♪
♪ sees your face a-peeping ♪

♪ Then I know a promise she'll be keeping ♪

♪ Tell me, what's the matter, ♪
♪ are you sleeping ♪

♪ Lazy moon ♪

[ Laughter ]

♪ O hand me down ♪
♪ O hand me down ♪

♪ O hand me down ♪
♪ O hand me down ♪

♪ Hand me down my silver trumpet, Gabriel ♪

♪ Hand it down, throw it down, ♪
♪ any way to get it down ♪

♪ Hand me down my silver trumpet, Lord ♪

♪ If religion “was a thing ♪
♪ that money could buy ♪

♪ Hand me down my silver trumpet, Gabriel ♪

♪ The rich would live and
the poor would die ♪

♪ Hand me down my silver trumpet, Lord ♪

♪ O hand me down ♪
♪ O hand me down ♪

♪ O hand me down ♪
♪ O hand me down ♪

♪ Hand me down my silver trumpet, Gabriel ♪

♪ Hand it down, throw it down... ♪

[ Engine spluttering ]

- Now what's the matter?
- Why, Father, I don't know.

Course, this would have to happen just
when I'm due back at the prison at noon.

I'll see if I can locate the trouble.

- D'you know anything about Ah! Auto-mobile?
- Yes, Dad'am.

- I wonder if you'd give us a hand.
- Oh, we'd be very glad to.

- Something went wrong with the car.
- Have you got any tools, lady?

Yes, they're under the back seat.

Just a minute.

Ow!

What's going on here?

Oh, Daddy, I'm so sorry.

These two men are going
to help us with the car.

All right. I'll keep my head
out of the way next time.

[ Whispering ] He doesn't know us.

Now, let's see, er...

The caricature, now, er...

No, it must be the generator.
No, it can't be.

The spark plugs. Now, let's see. Let's see.

Ow!

Get your hands off of it!
Get under the car and see if this works.

I'll do it.

Why don't you look out, Bill?

Why, Dad.

We're out of gas.

Well, no wonder it wouldn't run.

Hey, Oliver? Er... Sambo?

They're out of gas.

[ Warden ] Well, there we are.

Now...

Well, thank you, boys. Here's my card.

Any time you're up my way, drop in,

You can work for me any time.

[ Engine stuttering ]

[ Engine starting ]

- Goodbye, boys.
- Goodbye!

Goodbye. Pfft!

[ Whistle ]

[ Whistle ]

[ Whistle ]

Let's walk around
and see if we know anybody.

♪ [ Men, mournfully ] I
was born in Michigan ♪

♪ And I wish and wish again ♪

♪ That I “was back ♪
♪ in the town where I “was born ♪

♪ The town where I was born ♪

♪ There's a farm in Michigan ♪

♪ And I'd like to fish again ♪

♪ In the river that flows ♪

♪ Beside the fields of waving corn ♪

♪ A lonesome soul am I ♪

♪ And hear the reason why ♪

♪ I want to go back, I want to go back ♪

♪ I want to go back to the farm ♪

♪ Far away from harm ♪

♪ With a milk pail on my arm ♪

♪ There's a farm in Michigan ♪

♪ And I'd like to fish again ♪

♪ In a river that flows ♪

♪ Beside the fields of waving corn ♪

♪ A lonesome soul am I ♪

♪ And hear the reason why ♪

♪ I want to go back, I want to go back ♪

♪ I want to go back to the farm ♪

♪ Far away from harm ♪

♪ With a milk pail on my arm ♪

♪ I miss the rooster ♪

♪ The one that used to ♪

♪ Wake me up at 4 am ♪

J"So early.

♪ I think your great big
city's very pretty ♪

♪ Nevertheless, I want to be there ♪

♪ I want to see there ♪

♪ A certain someone full of joy ♪
♪ And she's charming ♪

♪ That's why I wish again ♪
♪ that I was in Michigan ♪

♪ Down on the farm ♪

♪ Down on the farm ♪

Say, fellas, how about another one?

Down on the farm. That's the life.

That was fine, boys.

It sure was. Pfft!

- What did you say?
- That's a loose tooth, sir, that does that.

Oh, it is? That should be attended to.

Yes, sir. As soon as I get out,
I'm gonna have it fixed.

Do you know that song
about 'the yanks are coming'?

Come on. We're gonna yank that tooth.

[ Guard ] Come on.

[ Guard ] Come on!

All right. I'll take you now.

Come on.

Here's another customer for you.

- Fix him up.
- OK.

Hey, rosebud? Sit down.

[ Tooth squeaking ]

Ow!

I sneaked in.

- Ollie?
- What?

I'm scared.

Why, there's nothing to be afraid of.
I'll stay fight with you.

[ Patient shouting and screaming ]

- Come on. You're next.
- Please, no, no, no!

Come on, me on.

You won't hurt me, will you, Doctor?

[ Screaming and crashing ]

[ Patient yelps ]

Don't think about it.

[ Shouting and crashing ]

[ Crashing ]

All right, rosebud.

Not him. You!

[ Whimpering ]

Come on. Sit down.

Do you mind if I have my friend
in here with me?

OK.

[ Ollie ] Oh-ho-ho!

Ah, stop your playing.

Which one is it?

This one.

- Does it hurt?
- Uh-uh.

- Then what are you having it pulled for?
- It's only loose. It buzzes.

- It buzzes?
- Yes, sir. Pfft!

OK. Sit down.

Upper left molar, Doctor. It's a buzzer.

OK.

Sit down.

[ Whimpering ] I'm scared.

Well, there's nothing to be afraid of.

Sit down. Whoever heard of
a dentist hurting you these days?

Why, you won't even feel it.

You won't feel it but how about me?
How about those other fellas?

[ Laughs ] They were only laughing.

You know, there are times
when you try my patience.

There's nothing to it.
It's all in your mind.

Now, just sit back and relax.

Why, they could pull every tooth in my head
and I wouldn't even feel it.

[ Whimpering and wailing ]

[ Muffled screams ]

[ Tooth clanging into basin ]

Why didn't you mu him?

I thought you were laughing.

Say, what are you beefin' about?
Didn't I get the right tooth?

You got the fight tooth but the wrong man.

Oh, I beg your pardon.

Steady.

Let me get the right one.

[ FWD.

Sea? It didn't hurt a bit, did it?

Not a bit. Pfft!

Ooh! We gotta get outta here!

Listen. Everything is OK.

Don't get nervous when the time mes.

- I ain't nervous. I'll go right now.
- Wail a minute.

Back, you dumbbell.
You wanna kill everything?

Tiger's plotting again, is he?
How did you find out?

We overheard those two new fish
talking it over. You wanna see 'em?

No. I haven't time.

So, the Tiger and his gang
are at it again, eh?

I've no time to question
those two fish now.

I'll tell you what to do.

Double the guard on the front gate.
Put more men on the walls.

Pull a guard around the arsenal.
Tell the governor we may need the militia.

Train your biggest guns on the front gate.
That's where we'll need the most.

So they wanted a showdown, did they?

They wanted a fight to a finish, did they?

Well, by the livin' Lucifer,
they're going to get it!

Go on, now, hop to it.

Hey. What's the big idea?

We're just in conference.

Well, do your conferring
down at the mess hall. Fall in.

We are not going to the mess hall.
We are not going to eel.

You're not going to eat?

No. We're on a hunger strike.

Emphatically.

What?

You're going to pass up
that nice, big roast turkey?

With chestnut dressing...

and sweet potatoes, southern style?

Great big pan of hot biscuit?

And strawberry short cake,
smothered in whipped cream?

Sprinkled with powdered sugar, with a nice
big maraschino cherry on the top of it?

Close followed by a nice big slice
of ice cold watermelon.

And a big, black cigar.

Ally nuts?

All you can eat of them.

How about postponing the strike
till tomorrow?

Well...

But not one minute after tomorrow.

Come on. Fall in.

[ Whistle ]

[ Whistle ]

Find yourself a seat down there.

Hey!

What about that turkey dinner?

- [ Gunshot ]
- Sit down, you!

Haven't we had bad luck enough
without you spilling the salt?

Make a wish and throw some
over your left shoulder.

[ Mouthing ]

Psst! Psst!

Hey. What happened upstairs?

You're going to get it.
The warden's gonna fix you.

Huh?

And he said...

They squealed on us, the dirty rats.

Yeah.

- But I'll get 'em.
- I'll say we'll get 'em.

- After dinner.
- I got ya.

[ Siren ]

[ Siren stops ]

We're free
and nobody knows where we are.

Let's go. Shh!

[ Siren and machine-gun fire ]

[ Screaming and whimpering ]

Let's get in here.

You dirty double-crossed.

[ All arguing ]

Quick!

Do something! Hey, hey, hey! Hey. Hey. Hey!

Hey!

Help! Save me!

The house is on fire.

Help! Fire!

Come on. We've got to go to her rescue.

Save me! Save me!

Wail there.

Help! Save me!

Help! Fire!

Fire!

Save me! Help!

Help! Fire!

[ Woman screams ]

Help! Fire!

- Ah!
- [ Screams ]

[ Screaming ]

[ Screams ]

Why did you fire like that in the mess hall?
They changed the lock before we got ready!

- Hey, Tiger!
- What do you want?

- Look what I got!
- Oh, great, great!

Now we can make our getaway
through the left wing!

Come on. Let's get 'em.

Why don't you be careful?

The dirty double-crosser.
He tried to mow us down like rats.

My boys.

And you are my boys.

I hold in my hands
the pardons for both of you.

This is the State's gesture in showing
its appreciation of your bravery.

It was the filing of the signal shots
in the mess hall

that saved us from a disaster
of cataclysmic dimensions.

Thank you, sir.

No" go.

Begin life anew.

Forget this.

Let this episode here be just a hiatus...

to be obliterated from your memory.

And don't forget that I'm your friend.

Anything that I can do
to help you start where you left off,

call on me at any time.

Thank you, sir. We'll start all over again.

We certainly will.

Can we take your order
for a couple of cases?

Pffft!

Why, you...