Paramedics (1988) - full transcript
Two paramedics are transferred to the nasty part of the city where a gang is killing people to sell their organs.
- Hi, uptown.
- Hi.
- Nah.
- Here,
he's up here, hon.
He's up here.
Oh.
- Oh.
- I'll Frankenstein him.
You get the pulse.
- Okay, sir, we're gonna put
some oxygen on you now,
all right?
Okay, there we go.
Breathe in.
That's it.
- Take it easy, now.
- Deeper, sir.
That's it,
that's it.
There we are.
- Pressure's dropping.
- He's in defib.
Here we go.
Slime me.
- Little dab'll do ya.
- Clear.
- Hit him again.
- Doing okay.
Clear.
- He's sparking.
- There we go.
- All right, sir.
That's it,
that's it.
Okay.
There we are.
- First one's free.
- Okay, that's enough.
- There we go,
there we go.
- You'll be all right.
You like that, huh?
- Was it good for you?
- Back up,
back up.
- What did you
put in the oxygen?
- I don't know.
Give me that.
- Best wishes
from the blazing skulls.
- All south central units,
proceed to primary and Lane.
The blazing skulls have just
shot up five 7-Eleven stores,
and the fire they set last night
at south central
has leveled the station.
- Watch it,
watch that fire.
- Do it now.
- Give me some action.
- Let's go,
come on, let's go.
- Steady, steady,
keep it steady now.
- It's a warzone
down there.
- Stop the world
out there.
This is an emergency?
Anyone near brewer
and shipley,
we've got a tennis injury.
- Let's do it.
- Are you sure?
I feel pretty good.
- Never fails.
First ten minutes.
- It was fine then.
- You know,
we had a similar case last week.
A man didn't heed
the warning.
Within an hour,
the arterial poisoning
had circulated
throughout the entire body.
- The pain.
Pain.
- Tragic.
- You should go too, sir.
- What?
- He's gonna need someone there
at a time like this.
- Sprained ankle.
Book him, danno.
That wasn't your husband,
was it?
- Uh-uh.
- Good, good.
I like him.
You know, we're dealing
with multiple contusions
with complications
with tibial tendon.
It's a direct result
of his not understanding
the physiology of the game.
You know the body.
- How's the serve going?
- It's okay.
- Let me show you
some of the pointers here.
Feet,
shoulder-width apart, okay?
- And a one, and a two
and three, okay.
- Keep your eye right
where that's gonna go.
That's it,
good form, good hips.
- Let me demonstrate.
Okay, pick up the ball.
Here we go,
and a little closer.
- Extension, extension.
Hips turned.
Oy, that's nice.
- Got the ball?
- That's great.
- I'm with you,
I'm with you,
I'm with you,
and swing.
- And bingo.
That's--
- keep them bouncing.
- Yeah.
- Very talented.
- Whoo-whoo.
- I love sports medicine.
- Myself.
- Dr. uptown, mad Mike,
we got a little Fender bender
at the richelieu fountain.
Can you take it?
- Was it good for you?
- Uh-huh.
- This way, this way,
this way, go.
- Hey, we're going left.
- Stay here.
- Hey, give my man a five
for the wash.
- Here's five.
- Hey.
- Feeling better?
- I'm fine,
I'm fine.
Just let me out of here.
- Grab your gonads.
- I really appreciate the way
you're taking care of me.
You're doing a super job.
You're fantastic.
- Go around, idiot!
- You guys are fabulous.
- All right.
- Er/or edq.
Dr. bebe to er/or edq.
- Ew.
- Ew, icky.
- How do you intend
to pay?
Sir, please,
you're bleeding
all over my desk.
After you've completed
your medical history
and your personal autobiography,
fill out the form
which details any diseases,
disgusting habits,
or any nasty rumors concerning
any member of your family,
in alphabetical order.
- But I'm bleeding.
- Be ready
when I call your number.
Next.
- Dr. leakey,
paging Dr. leakey.
Please pick up
your urine sample from the lab.
- Oh.
- Oh, god.
Farley, farley,
what is it?
- Oh.
- What, what?
Is it your head?
- No, it's my heart.
- Farley.
- don't worry,
I'm fine.
It's just a touch
of narcolepsy.
- Oh, I see.
The disease du jour
is sleeping sickness.
- Oh, go ahead.
Ridicule, make fun,
but it's a terrible thing
to live with.
You never know
when it's gonna strike--
- oh, farley, farley,
get up.
Farley, you're drooling
on my reeboks.
Oh, gross.
You're a sick man,
very sick, farley.
- That's what I've been trying
to tell you,
and what I need in the way
of emergency attention
is a tender, loving nurse
with an outrageous
bedside manner.
- Oh, now I see
what you need.
You need
a tender, loving nurse...
- Yes.
- With an outrageous
bedside manner.
- You got it.
- I say sleep it off,
farley.
- And to think
I stood up for you
when all the fellas
were speculating
on why they called you
head nurse.
- Dr. black, see Mr. brown,
green room, code blue.
- Oh!
- She adores me.
- Uh-huh.
- Dr. black to the green room,
code blue.
- Next.
- Titillation
therapist to--
- do you have
shortness of breath?
- Yes.
- Do you have
any dizziness?
- Yes.
- Do you have any cash?
- No.
- Next.
- Do you take this one?
- I don't work.
- Y'all better
get me a doctor,
or you're gonna need one.
- How's your liver?
- Pretty good.
- Neat.
- Huh?
- Listen,
was she blonde?
- Blind?
- Blonde,
blonde.
- Come on.
- I don't feel so good.
- I don't feel...
- You will.
- Code brown.
Robert blasdell
to preventive proctology.
Code brown.
- So big deal.
And the reason that you are
so interested in her
is because she isn't
falling all over you.
- I don't want her
to fall all over me,
and that's not why
I'm interested
in the first place.
It's no big deal,
but close.
Sweet and sour?
- Hit it.
- We finished cleaning out
the inside of your rig.
Now do we get dinner?
- Well, that was the deal.
- Mouse, mouse,
see if you can get this refilled
for me, huh, buddy?
- Farley, Maxwell.
- Uh-oh.
- I just had my ears chewed off
for the last three hours
by a congressman.
He said two paramedics sent him
and a federal judge
to mid-city hospital
for a goddamn sprained ankle
while the so-called paramedics
gave tennis lessons
and god knows what
other kind of lessons
to their wives.
And what about it?
- Well, I think it's just
probably another one
of your syphilitic
hallucinations, sir.
Your ear looks fine.
- You know what
I'm talking about.
Unauthorized use
of a city vehicle
for chasing nooky.
- Say what?
Nooky?
- Is that one of your
technical terms, captain?
- I'll give you
a technical term, smart-ass.
Requisition slips.
$2,500 for
an ambulance stereo system.
- Alleviation of pain begins
with ambient sounds, sir.
Mood music, if you will.
It's saved
countless lives.
- Mm-hmm.
$950 for the installation
of a sunroof?
- Hey, you kidding me?
A day without the sun
is like a day with--
- the savings
in vitamin c alone
could help reduce our
present pharmaceutical budget
for the next couple
of years.
- How did you plan
to explain away purchases
of dom perignon
and beluga caviar?
- How did we plan
to explain that?
- Simple.
Holistic healing.
- Now, listen to me,
I'm not gonna blow my career
and my pension
over you two jerk-offs.
I'm going to get rid
of you
before you get rid
of me.
- Do I sense a smidgen
of repressed hostility,
captain?
- It ain't repressed.
I hate
you sons of bitches.
You treat your jobs
like summer camp.
You have no respect
for authority.
You don't follow
procedure,
and then they end up
giving you medals
for breaking the rules.
Both: Shit happens.
- So you save a few lives,
get the publicity.
Who does
all the work, huh?
- Why, you do, sir.
- What do I get
for all the headaches
and the ulcers?
- They gave you
that dalmatian paperweight,
sir.
- I warned you, and this time,
it's gonna cost you boys.
- Payoffs, sir?
Our role model
is resorting to payoffs?
- Extortion is a serious crime,
captain.
- Recertification, boys.
- Huh?
- Recertification.
Remember, boys,
you not only have to pass
your tests,
you need my evaluation
and recommendation,
especially if somebody
is looking for a scholarship
to medical school.
Fat chance.
Now, because
of your hotdog heroics,
the chief won't
let me fire you yet.
So I decided
on the next best thing.
Effective tomorrow,
both of you are being
transferred to south central
during the red alerts.
It's a real crisis, you know,
the next 48 hours.
Have a good time, boys.
Why the long faces, boys?
- I burned down
a fire station,
and all you Caesar brothers
bring me are three livers?
- All the other parts
were burned.
- I want human organs.
I don't care
if they're well done.
Hearts, kidneys, lungs,
even a mucus membrane,
but no more livers.
What about your contact
with the intern at mid-city?
- He's grabbing everything
he can get his hands on.
- Only so many were dead.
- It's not good enough.
- We can't make
accidents happen.
- Well, I can.
Get ready for a gang fight
near the tracks tomorrow.
- ♪ Beautiful day
in the neighborhood ♪
♪ a beautiful day
for a neighbor ♪
♪ would you be mine
could you be mine ♪
- Come on,
this could turn out to be
an existential experience.
- Great place to come
if you only had
a week to live.
Seem like a year.
- We're only here
for two days.
- Yeah, it only takes
two seconds to get killed.
I spent my whole life
getting out
of a neighborhood
like this.
- Come on,
you grew up behind a mall.
- I clawed and scraped
my way.
Man,
I could have been somebody.
Hey, I'm serious.
Just when I'm this close
to getting my own garage
and body shop,
I got all my money together--
- all right, all right,
would you stop and remember
why you became a paramedic?
- I get to drive fast.
- Yes.
- Through traffic.
- Yes.
- No tickets.
- Now we're thinking
positive.
- Okay, I'm positive
we're gonna die.
- Mike, you think
that lifeguard job
at the city pool
has been taken?
- Oh, here it is.
don't touch it.
Hey, hey, hey.
No, not the windshield,
not--
- here you go.
- Thanks, pops,
but it's already dirty.
- All right.
- Thanks.
- Would you mind checking
this address again, please?
- There's the lizard,
the snake.
It's no use, buddy.
This is it.
- Yo, Charlie,
send up that fresh meat.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
- Oh, man,
- look at this place.
- Mm, looky, looky.
- Nice decor.
Early colonial punk.
- Reinforcements.
Hip
hip
both: Hip hip hooray.
- So y'all lose your way
to the country club,
gentlemen?
- Mi casa es su casa.
- Buenos dias.
I'm farley.
This is Maxwell.
We're the new transferees.
- Check it out, dudes.
This is the gringo ringers
from the good side of town.
Both: Here they come
to save the day.
- Hi, I'm bennie bernitez,
paramedic.
Damn glad to meet you.
How the hell are you?
- Mildly amused.
- What's happening, man?
They call me brain damage.
I don't know why, man,
but lads,
over here is me partner,
the blade runner.
If he likes you,
he might let you
call him blade for short,
but don't call him
[Indistinct],
or he'll kick you
up your kilt.
Come on,
look alive, lads.
Look alive.
- Where do we put
our stuff, blade?
- Name's blade runner.
- Mm-hmm.
- Gentlemen,
we have two suites available.
We have the penthouse,
and we have something that's
tres magnifique.
It is a real knockout,
a lanai with a city view.
- I like the lanai.
- Lanai.
- Gentlemen,
welcome to painville.
- I hope you boys won't
be too disappointed.
The tennis court is just
not quite finished yet,
Yvonne.
- Now, blade, honey,
don't you be scaring
our customers like that.
- Well, I have
to read you, girl.
- I get the tent.
- All yours.
- Is the pool heated?
- Yep,
and jacuzzi's back there.
We're gonna show you
the Polo grounds
a little bit later.
Now, before you muchachas
get a little too comfortable,
why don't you follow me?
- Walk this way.
- Fore!
- This way.
- Gentlemen, I'd be very happy
to introduce you
to the rest of the staff.
That's Trent.
- Yo.
- And Saul.
Here's hyman
at the bidet.
That's Murray.
Now, over there is Moses,
the coach.
Get out of there,
Felix.
Now, he's working out
the strategy
for the next emergency.
- Now,
Moses?
Moses, baby?
- Yes.
- The new recruits.
- Oh, shit.
Would you look
at the size of that one?
Holy cripes, boy.
Fine.
Ooh,
fine.
Boy, you are fine.
Goddamn,
look at those legs.
You have got
a nice haircut, boy.
Look at you.
Fine.
I'll tell you,
you guys look in great shape.
Glad to have you
on the team.
Yeah, listen,
I am
captain Moses stillwell.
We don't stand
on formality around here.
In fact, we don't stand on
much of anything
if we can help it.
- Works for me.
- As long as
you get out there,
and you kick some ass.
Listen, we have had
our asses kicked
all over the city,
but we coming back
in the second half.
It's the fourth quarter
that counts.
Listen, I'm working out
some new plays,
and you guys, pay attention
to shit over here.
Come over here.
I want to show
you something.
Now, when this guy starts
to come around this end,
we got to have somebody
to take him out.
You--
are you looking?
- Blade, why don't you
tell our guests
what these
two extremely white guys
at the shortwave radio
are doing here at south central?
- We be eight-odd
emergency medical technicians.
Two're pissing their pants
every hour on the hour.
Here we have breedlove
and white, two volunteer emts,
two insurance salesmen
looking for romance
and adventure
in the crisis trade.
We call them--
both:
The flying albino brothers.
- Now, somebody has cut
our phone lines
and scared the caca
out of them.
- We have to get word
to our family
to tell them
we're okay.
- And ask the head office
if our beneficiaries collect
if we're only dismembered.
- And is it double indemnity
if we're stabbed,
and then we're shot?
Absolutely, it should be
a business policy.
- That's ours.
- Hi, you've reached
uptown and mad Mike
if this is an emergency.
If not, leave a message,
and we'll get back to you.
- This is Marcy.
Thanks for the checkup
last night.
I ache so much.
I feel like I've been
riding a horse for three days.
- Right, what's--
- hello.
- Why do we have people here?
- Whoo.
- Whoa.
- Move, personal call.
- Look at this.
You got a cd player.
- Marcy?
- Check it out, man.
- Bennie, bennie, please,
I've got to call the registry.
There has been
a terrible mistake.
Wilfred and I should never
have been transferred here.
- Oh, no,
you just wait your turn.
I got to call my bookie.
- No, no,
I got to call my doctor.
I'm allergic to something.
I don't know,
the garage, the air.
- Poverty.
- Poverty,
that's it.
I'm allergic
to poor people.
- don't you like
what we've done to the place?
It used to be
a tortilla factory.
- Yeah, man,
a fire bug, man.
He torched our station.
So temporarily,
we had to hide the fire trucks
on 34th street.
- Whoa, whoa,
wait a second.
You're saying
that the arsonist burned down
your fire station?
- We were out on call.
- That's why we got
to be thinking defense.
- Yeah,
I'm thinking evacuation.
- Hey, wait, excuse me,
but I think
it's the damn cops
that's got to work
on their offense
to nail
these blazing skull suckers.
- Hey, man,
the cops don't care, man.
- Absolutely.
- I've been saying that
from the very beginning,
but nobody listens.
- No, no, man, the cops--
- get in line!
- The lieutenant here
will inform us
as to what is being done.
Lieutenant?
- Good morning, gentlemen.
I'm lieutenant holcomb,
arson investigations.
- You are kidding me.
- Listen, curly,
I never kid.
- That's what I thought.
- Got it?
- Yeah, I was just saying
that there's a time for humor
and, you know--
- first of all--
first of all,
we're not dealing
with amateurs here, okay?
This is
a well-organized gang.
They're using
guerilla tactics here, men.
- But this isn't exactly
a hotbed
for international
terrorism.
- Unless gadhafi's
full of shiite.
- Funny.
- Now, that's--.
- Listen up, blondie,
I'm glad you men
have a little levity down here,
all right?
Because you're gonna need it.
Things are gonna get
a little rough,
and if that
scares anybody,
just let me know now.
I'll make sure
to write it up
and send it
to the big boys.
You'll have no problem.
- You know,
as a matter of fact,
I--
- okay.
Forget it,
forget it.
I was obligated
to ask that question,
but it doesn't mean shit,
the cold hard facts
is that we're up there
with our asses hanging out.
And that's the way it is
in the big city, okay?
All right, now, I'm down here
to try to help you guys.
I'm trying to prevent
you guys from getting shot.
Any questions?
- Sir, sir, sir.
- Actually--
- I mean, ma'am.
My partner and I make
rather noticeable targets
and I wonder--
- yes,
Ms. lieutenant holcomb,
if we could volunteer
for police protection,
that'd be breedlove,
white, breedlove--
- and white.
- Police protection program.
- If it pleases lieutenant.
- If it's not
too much to ask.
- Request denied.
What a bunch of pussies.
I can't believe it.
- Lieutenant--
- red alert,
all south central units,
gang fight erupting
at the corner of Heller street
and sherve Avenue.
The demonic mutilators
and the Satan's scum
are about to get it on.
- That's us, homeboys!
- Come on, follow us.
- This is our
big one.
Strategize and pass the word.
Now, listen up now,
bennie and blade,
they doing the end run.
Now, the rookies,
they're blitzing up
the defensive line.
- Yeah.
Right.
- Can we go over this
again?
- Very slowly,
very slowly.
- No,
shut up and listen.
- One more time,
one more time.
- No, ain't no reason.
I'm gonna give you hand signals,
all right?
- Right on.
- Let's go,
let's go.
Both: Yeah.
- Woo!
This is it!
Come on!
- Ooh, whoo.
Ooh, I love this baby.
- Hey, man,
what's going on?
What are you--
- what up, y'all?
- Hey.
- Possible stabbing,
cranial bludgeoning.
Now be careful, guys.
There's gunfire
in the area.
- Did you hear that?
- It sounded awful.
- No, no, not that.
That, that.
Did you hear the engine?
Did you hear
that little ping?
Isn't it driving
a little funny?
- Oh, oh,
the engine.
- The engine.
- Oh, oh,
that engine sounds terrible.
Yes, yes.
- Oh, something like that
could get us killed.
- Better get that checked.
- Absolutely.
They got this hemi
so bored out,
these plugs are getting
a headache.
Whoo, whoo.
I'm pulling 500 horses
on the back wheels.
This sucker'll flat-out go,
Jim.
- Very good,
very good.
Hold the thought.
Where are we going?
- Huh?
- You boys need directions?
- Follow us for
murder, mayhem, and mending.
- Let's go.
All: Mutilate.
- Mute, mute.
All: Mutilate.
- Mute mute.
All: Mutilate.
- Mute, mute.
All: Mutilate.
- Mute mute.
All: Mutilate.
- Mute, mute.
All: Mutilate.
- Mute mute.
All: Mutilate.
All: Satan's scum,
Satan's scum.
All: Mutilate.
- Mute, mute.
All: Mutilate.
All: Satan's scum.
All: Mutilate.
- Watch out.
- Go, go.
- All right,
get over there.
- They're shooting at us.
- They're not
shooting at us.
What're they're shooting
at us for,
we're paramedics.
- Yeah, go ahead
and tell them that.
So are these
the blazing skulls?
- No, this is just
the normal stuff.
- The vatos in the boxcar
call themselves
the demonic mutilators.
Now, the vatos in the building
is their enemy, Satan's scum.
- They're fighting over
who's gonna be numero uno.
- Then what's this,
the playoffs?
- That's Pete.
- Come on out!
- Hey, man,
what are you, crazy?
- Hey, you shoot
this mother,
you're really in trouble.
Son of a bitch.
- Yeah, that'll teach 'em.
- What the hell are
the caesars doing?
- How come no one's
shooting at them?
- I don't know.
- I don't
know.
- Where's the meat?
- Here.
- Man, let's go up
on the roof.
- Amateurs.
- A mutilator and a cop
went down
on the southwest corner.
Wait a minute.
We're gonna try
to get down there.
You guys, get ready
to back us up, dig it?
- Wait, wait, wait a sec.
What do you mean
"back you up?"
Both: Ahh!
- Move your shit,
my man.
- Viva la revolucion.
I got you,
I got you, man.
Come on.
- We got to rush
these guys to the er.
You guys, stay cool.
Stay cool.
Let's go,
let's go.
- What do we do now?
- We wait until it's over.
Sit down, watch them work.
- Two minute warning.
I'm sorry I'm late.
What's the score?
- Just about tied up.
Satan's scum looks
really good.
- Whoo.
- Now you're playing.
50 bucks says
the mutilators
wrap this thing up
in another 20 minutes.
- You're on.
- Lieutenant,
ma'am, ma'am,
they got guns up there.
- You call those guns?
- I'm in the game now.
Cover me,
cover me.
- Wait, don't--
- Moses, no.
- He's in the open.
He's at the 50, the 40,
the 30, the 20,
look at him go.
Oh.
Substitution,
substitution.
- Think somebody just
called our number.
- Substitution.
Both: Oh, shit.
- Hold it,
back, back, back, back.
Jump in here.
- Climb in.
Come on,
let's go,
and five and six
and seven and eight.
- Looks like I'm benched
for a while.
- Well,
he's in rough shape.
Got a gunshot wound
in the right lateral clavicle
and scapula.
Listen.
I think it's over.
Maybe not.
- Got to do something,
partner.
He's going to
exsanguinate.
He needs definitive
care immediately.
- Okay, here we go.
Everybody!
[Indistinct]
Whoa.
All: Scum, Satan's scum,
Satan's scum.
- Mute.
All: Mutilate.
- Mute, mute.
All: Mutilate.
- Paramedic.
Eat this, paramedic.
- Hey,
you dropped something.
- Great catch.
- Oh, my leg.
My leg.
All: Scum, Satan's scum.
All: Mutilate.
- Mute, mute.
All: Mutilate.
- Is that the best you got?
- Hey, look out, man.
- Come on, man.
- Look out, man.
- Look out.
- Watch out.
- ♪ The one
the only one ♪
♪ under the sun,
under the sun ♪
♪ whoa ♪
♪ don't be a player, girl ♪
- We got to get back
to the west end, man.
I mean, I can't take
much more of this.
I mean,
people shoot at you
when you're trying
to help them.
I mean, I was cool when
that first big one came down,
and I heard
that whoosh, poof,
and the one that
went ch-ch-ch-ch-boom,
and then pew, bop,
and shooting,
running like an idiot.
Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch--
- hey.
- I got to get
a hold of myself.
- Better still,
grab a hold of candy stripers
on the right flank.
- Mm-hmm.
- Hey, what's going on?
- Medical groupies
at the far corner table.
- Uh-huh.
- And nurses all around.
- I still can't handle
meaningful communication.
Both: The candy stripers.
- If it isn't your uptight
head nurse Savannah.
- Mike, you got
that remote doodad on you?
- Yeah, doodad, kid.
- Thanks, Mike.
- Works every time.
- Is this seat vacant?
- It is now.
Farley,
I'm with a surgeon.
- Yet, no one cuts
as deep as you.
- You roll
your eyes like that,
and a wave carries me onto
the surf of your soul.
- Thank you, rod mckuen.
Now, give me a break.
- Exactly.
A breaker.
- Before that wave carries you
back out to sea,
can I ask you
something?
How come
you're never serious?
No, I mean,
I heard--
although it's difficult
to believe--
that you're in line
for a full
medical scholarship.
- Vicious gossip.
However,
I am the recipient
of the Albert schweitzer-
Dr. Ruth westheimer grant.
- Farley, say good night.
- You're in my seat,
paramedic.
- Oh, I'm terribly sorry,
doctor.
Allow me.
- Stuff it, fella.
- Now, doctor,
I realize your vast experience
at inserting suppositories
might make a remark like
"stuff it, fella"
come off the top of your head
like that,
but I think you might have
a little more respect
for the lady here.
Oh, you might start thinking
about wearing a hat
before someone slips
a rubber over your head.
- All right,
now you try it.
Listen to what happens
to your heart
when I put my hand here.
- That's not my heart.
- That's not my hand.
You know--
- Christy?
- Daddy?
- Shouldn't you be home
studying?
- Good evening,
chief Wilkins.
I was just showing
your daughter here--
who, by the way,
is becoming quite
a lovely young lady--
a cardiovascular technique
that I've been--
- farley,
good to see you.
- Maxwell.
- Maxwell.
- Farley.
- So you fellows
have volunteered
to work at
south central.
I never know what
to expect from you boys.
- Well, hey--
- well, thank you,
chief Wilkins.
I suppose you heard about
captain Moses' injury.
- Yeah, good man.
Got to find someone
to replace him.
- You thinking
what I'm thinking?
- What?
What?
- What?
Yes, yes, I am.
- Especially on red alert.
You are gonna need
a man of courage.
- A man with balls.
- Who?
Who?
- Well, I do know a man
who would risk his career...
- And his pension to--
- get this job done.
- Who, who?
- A man of steel.
- Yet sensitive
to the problems.
- Who is this man?
Spit it out.
- Honey, I'm going all the way
to the governor with this.
Bye, honey.
- Sell him one kidney,
two pancreases, all size nine.
- One liver.
- That's it.
- Looking good.
Come on.
Man, big Hooters.
Man,
pancreas on the right.
Mucus membranes
on the left.
- Flash,
this just in.
Critical knife injury
at El quejido's restaurant.
- Hey, just what
we've been waiting for.
- Lock and load, bubba.
- You want to take it?
- We're close,
we'll take it.
- Get lost.
This call is ours.
- How rude.
If you want the call,
just ask us nicely.
- We're not asking you,
man.
We're telling you.
- Hey, watch out.
- Hey, come on, man.
- Okay, boys.
Time to suck
my blast pack.
- Excuse me.
We need some directions.
Which way is backwards?
Much obliged.
- Did we work out
that little misunderstanding?
- We sure enough did.
- Which one's the patient?
- I'd bet on the guy
with his face in the guacamole.
- You mean the one
with the knife in his back.
- Yeah,
that looks like him.
- Like--
ooh, that's messy.
- Dude.
- Oh.
- I sure hope
he's not a food critic.
- I think he's still alive.
- Hey, don't touch him.
- Get out of the way,
huh, buddy?
- That man is
El calamari grande.
- Ah, the big squid.
I speak Spanish.
- He's still kicking.
- don't you see?
This was a hit.
El calamari is
a big mafia boss around here,
and the blazing skulls
want him dead,
so don't touch him.
You don't understand, man.
This man's supposed
to die.
- Hey, kid, are you
a relative, a close friend,
or just a
concerned citizen?
- No, I--
huh?
- Blood pressure, 80/60.
- That would be a mistake.
You're not listening
to me.
Hey?
- Easy, big squid.
- What's wrong
with you two?
- Mid-city,
this is unit 66.
- Starting
iv ringer's, 1,000.
Oh, if Savannah answers,
tell her I can't stop
thinking about her.
- Yeah, we got a stabbing
in the right quadrant
at 17th intercostal
and a guy who's crazy
about you.
Yeah, she said begin
mass stabilization,
and you're still
a schmuck.
- We're losing him.
- Lose him.
Lose him.
Lose him.
Save this man,
and you're in danger.
- Clear.
- Stop, please,
before it's too late.
- Hey, buddy, huh?
- Did you see him
jumpstart that sucker?
- We got to take him
to mid-city hospital now.
- Let's go,
let's go.
- You might be able
to convince the doctors there
to kill him.
- Thanks for
all your help.
- Hey, where you going?
- Where are we going?
Six flags,
where else?
- You weren't stopped on
the side of the road, were you?
- Nah.
- No.
- don't you guys ever think
of cleaning up
this place either, hm?
I do not appreciate walking
on peanut shells
in my bare feet.
- Oh, those are roaches,
sir.
Unsalted,
but we've taken precautions,
captain, look.
- I'm going [Indistinct].
- Three, two--
- I'm so tired
my hair hurts.
- Yeah, well,
no place like home, huh?
- Well, look who's here.
- Is that a hair net,
or are they prepping you
for brain surgery?
- Well, surprise,
surprise, surprise.
- Ooh, feeling a little edgy,
huh, captain?
How about a cup of decaf?
Well,
welcome to the station.
Night, cap.
- One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight.
One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight.
- And one and two,
and one and two.
- One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight.
One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, and eight.
- Hey, just a minute,
wait up.
And where do you think
you're going?
Right in here, dispatch.
- don't you worry, cap.
We'll be back before
you finish your coffee.
- You're not going anywhere.
You're still on duty.
- Standard procedure,
captain.
We get the morning off
for our test.
- That was before
your emergency assignment.
- We got our recertifications
today.
- I know.
If you set one foot
outside this district,
you're in violation
of county code.
You cannot desert your post
in a crisis situation.
- Wouldn't that
be a catch-22?
- How would you like
to catch a boot?
- No, sir.
No, sir,
thank you.
- It's all on the wheel,
boys.
What goes around
comes around.
Anyway you look at it,
today is your last day.
Croissant?
- It's all on the wheel,
Mike.
- Alert,
all available units.
Three freeway shootings
at I-55.
Pit bull attack
on temple street.
- Let's go.
- Train derailment
on regency street overpass,
and last but not least,
somebody has flooded
the ywca pool with ky jelly.
- All right.
Hustle up,
hustle up.
Whoo.
- We're gone,
we're gone.
- Will you get over here?
- Look out.
- Let's go,
I got--
- four patients requested
to mid-city hospital.
This is unit 66
en route to scene.
Please advise,
over.
- Captain Prescott
says
you're to proceed immediately
for field stabilization
at the banana stadium
rock concert.
- Damn.
That prune puss is going
to make sure it's like this
all day.
- Finally got us
by the nads.
He knows we're not gonna
risk somebody's life
to pass a test.
- Hey, I'm not losing my job
on account of that turd.
Croissant.
- No, no, no, no,
you're not thinking positive.
We're gonna--
you got to find a way.
Just relax.
- Okay, I'll relax.
What are you gonna do?
- Yeah, I'll--
- well,
that ought to work.
Hey, I can stay in the game
behind all his bs,
but what about you
and your scholarship?
I mean,
that test is so freaking easy.
- Tell me about it.
Room temperature iqs.
- I'd pass it in my sleep.
- I can phone it in.
- Ooh, ooh.
Both: Thank you.
- Hey, get down
with your bad self.
All: Bye-bye.
- Mr. farley,
an oral examination
over the telephone
is highly irregular.
Yes, I'm aware
of the south central crisis.
Yes, the shootings
and stabbings, the muggings,
the maimings.
Yes, even so, Mr. farley,
this exam is serious business.
I couldn't possibly--
chief Wilkins.
Well, in that case,
Mr. farley,
you have until 5:00 P.M.
to complete your phone-in test.
Yes, I want
to go home early.
I'm not feeling well.
All right, Mr. farley,
first question is for you.
What is the treatment
for a mild anxiety attack?
- Hey, who's gonna pay
for my new roof?
- Hey, cool it.
- I beg your pardon?
- Sorry, Dr. lido,
go ahead.
- What is the treatment
for a mild anxiety attack?
- Move it,
you asshole.
- I beg your pardon?
- Give the patient oxygen.
- Oxygen.
Oh, very good.
What are the symptoms
of an oncoming heart attack?
- Shortness of breath,
sweating, dizziness,
dull pressure pain
in the chest
radiating
into the arm.
- Oh, yes, very good
very good.
Oh, god.
All right,
how do you treat
an accident victim
with a broken leg who's
bleeding profusely?
- Okay, assess the abcs,
airway, breathing,
start to report the status.
If the problem's
not the fracture,
we stabilize the leg
and splint it.
- Yes, resetting
the bone is possible.
Yes, preparing
a hare traction splint.
Yes, go on.
- You know,
you don't know my mind.
- Yeah, yeah,
sounding good, right?
- Yeah, eat it.
- Look, we've been here
for 20 minutes.
Time's up,
let's go.
- I ain't going nowhere,
man.
- I can see that.
- don't touch me,
and I'm burning up.
- I know, man.
- You don't know nothing,
man.
- The hell I don't.
I know you, man.
It's like looking
in a rearview mirror.
Friend of yours?
Come on, buddy.
- All right, all right,
come on, man,
I'll rip your eyes out.
- The hell you will.
Alternative medicine
at work.
- And that,
ladies and gentlemen,
is why they call him
mad Mike.
Yeah, whoo-hoo.
- Did you hear
about the guy
who went in to have
hemorrhoid removal?
- Mr. Maxwell, give
your immediate response
to a patient suffering
from aggravated hiatal hernia.
- I think I misunderstood
that question.
- And the surgeon amputated
his legs?
- It's a little bit
radical.
- The guy sues
and loses his case
'cause he didn't have
a leg to stand on.
- Not bad.
- The answer is
paroxysmal nocturnal dyspnea,
something we see out here
in the field every day.
- This is not
official business.
Get off this channel.
- Pardon me, Jack,
but I work alone.
Get your own show.
- Come again.
- I'm sorry,
Dr. lido.
We're having
a little radio trouble.
We'll get back to you.
- Do you two really think
that this recertification
phone scheme will work, ey?
Bullshit.
- Hey, loud mouth,
this is my last warning.
Get off my show.
Both: Come on, Ms. dis!
- Put me back on the air.
- Thanks, Ms. dis,
we owe you one.
- Correction.
You owe me two.
Good luck, sweeties.
- All right, now, we got
to fight fire with fire.
That's it, man.
Prune puss has finally
stepped over the line.
- Now, I've been thinking
of a grand maneuver
that's gonna settle
this dilemma once and for all.
- As good as the time
we got him and his wife seats
for the hooker's harvest ball?
- Oh, better.
- Better than when
we made him grand Marshall
at the gay pride hayride?
- Yeah, much better.
This is gonna be
incredibly humiliating,
something
so abjectly degrading
that prune puss will
never bother us again.
- I like it already.
- Next question's
for Mr. Maxwell.
What is the code word
in the event
of an emergency childbirth?
- Look out,
watch it.
Son of a bitch.
- That is an incorrect answer
and an erroneous assumption.
Next question.
- Uh-oh, we'll get back
to you, Dr. lido.
- Man, god.
Look at my bumper.
- Better let me
handle this.
I speak airline.
- Go get some oxygen.
- For whom?
- Mademoiselle,
can I get you anything?
How about if I return you
to your original
upright position?
- Gentlemen,
where are you?
Go home, pop.
I'm only doing this
as a courtesy
to you and chief Wilkins,
who god knows
has never done shit for me.
- Mademoiselle,
you are perfect.
- I am very fine feeling.
- Mm-hmm.
I know that's right.
- My name is liette.
- My name is Mike Maxwell.
- And my name
is father time.
Ticktock, guys.
- Liette--
- I need--
very important--
at what time
do the oysters arrive?
- Breedlove and white,
there's a food poisoning
at the golden paradise.
No wimp excuses.
- Do we want to take that?
- Food poisoning?
- Food poisoning,
food poisoning.
Sure.
Piece of cake,
can of corn.
We'll be heroes.
- Oui, is simple, yes?
- Pretty much.
- Well, huh?
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
- Yeah,
he don't understand.
He's--
what?
Can you read this?
And I will get that fixed.
Yeah.
- She's picking up
a heart?
Authorization for transport
of human organs.
- Human organs?
To Paris from mid-city.
- Oui, mid-city.
Paris.
- Hey, I get it.
Get on the horn
and tell them the girl's
on the way.
- Oh, while you keep an eye
on the patient, right?
- Yeah.
Liette--
ooh--
- mid-city,
this is unit 66.
- Your condition demands
close, personal attencion.
- Attencion?
- Yes,
and I'm here to, like,
give you close observation.
- Observacion.
- I think she likes me.
- Course she does.
She doesn't speak English.
We have a little problem.
Mademoiselle,
la car vanished.
- Vanished?
- What happened?
- Her heart, a kidney,
and a whole lot of livers,
all gone.
Police are
checking it out now.
- Well, how can
something like that
just vanish
from mid-city?
- I don't know.
The computer's on the horn
right now
trying to get her
another heart.
- Liette,
you come with us,
and I promise you
I will get you a heart.
- Even if it's yours.
- All right,
when a kidney stone
gets passed through the male--
- sir?
- You know, when a man
passes a kidney stone
through his do-wacky,
his wee-wee--
- are you referring
to the male penis, Dr. lido?
- Zee-zee?
- Penis, penis,
I can say it.
Male penis.
Isn't that
a little redundant?
What is the procedure
that follows?
- No, don't play with it.
It'll pop out and spray.
- Oh, you're so graphic,
but it works for me.
- Me too.
- Yeah, here we are.
Yeah, right place.
- Have you seen the valet?
Who's gonna
park this thing?
Walk right here.
- Watkins,
Mr. Mikey Watkins.
- We're here
about the food poisoning.
We're paramedics.
- Ooh.
- Oh, god.
- This is breedlove.
We need backup.
Code three, code three.
Possible multiple
injuries, contusions,
neck injuries--
mine!
- I want everything
that belonged
to farley and Maxwell
cleaned out of here.
I don't want to be reminded
of these guys.
Come on, let's move it.
- Telephone for you, sir.
- Yeah?
Who?
Nurse who?
Yes, I remember you.
We met at the
emergency services convention.
Yes, yes, it was.
Yes, I am.
Yes, you were.
I mean, you are.
Well, you want
to meet me there today?
I mean, now?
Well, yes,
yes, I will.
The one nearest
the emergency entrance.
I got it.
What are you looking at?
- Beautiful day, sir.
- Blade runner, bennie,
white, breedlove,
we're just a few minutes away
from operation--
both: Star search.
- Calamari!
- Breedlove and white,
you assholes.
You went
to the wrong restaurant.
It's the golden paradise,
not the golden parachute.
- Oh, you are idiots.
Both: Ow, ow, ow.
- This is a bad one here.
- Hey, come on, man,
don't touch him.
- Not you again.
Can't you hold a job?
- What are we gonna do
with you, squid-ly?
That's twice in 48 hours.
- Madre de dios.
- I wonder
what he's saying.
- don't you speak Spanish?
- Of course I do.
He's saying madre,
mother something, I don't--
- I speak very
fine-looking espanol.
- She's great, huh?
- Yeah, it's outstanding.
She's translating Spanish
into French.
- Liette,
wait in the truck-cion.
- El calamari is saying,
"leave me alone.
I'm supposed to die."
- A paramedic is saying,
"work with us, please."
- You cannot change
what must be.
- Sorry to stand in the way
of progress, pal.
One, two, three.
- This is the second time
you've endangered your lives.
The blazing skulls
will now go after you.
You must let him die.
- Definite
paramedic material.
Got a one-track mind.
- Yeah, and it always leads
to El calamari.
- Remember, I warned you.
- Carry on, boys.
- Whoa!
- Right that way,
sweetheart.
- ♪ It's a beautiful day
in every way ♪
♪ hm hm hm
in every way ♪
♪ that's why I'm here
to save the day ♪
- Whoo-hoo.
Everything's ready.
- Whoo-hoo.
- We got
the video equipment.
- All right, mouse.
The flying albino brothers
here yet?
- Nah, man,
they dropped off their stuff
before checking into
physical therapy.
- And what about Savannah?
- Coming through.
Hot food,
coming through.
- Savannah,
don't you worry.
It's all been cleared through
the hospital administration.
We're doing a little documentary
on emergency procedures.
- Well, wait, no.
No, no, wait a minute.
Farley, you cannot bring
this type of circus in here, no.
- What, circus?
You call this a circus?
What kind of a childhood
did she have?
- I don't know.
- Farley,
what the hell are you up to?
- Dr. Saul wants
to see you upstairs.
You're needed in or.
Nurse helms
called in sick.
- Okay, thank you.
- Stage one complete.
Genius, Mike.
- Hey, genius,
it's five till five.
Dr. lido?
- Test--
phone.
- Do you know who I am?
- Beast.
- Right.
- Dr. lido, are you there?
- Gentlemen, gentlemen,
this has been a very
trying day for me.
I told you
I must leave by 5:00.
No,
I don't have time to--
- come on, man,
help us out.
- Come on,
Dr. lido, please,
there's one minute left.
Give us a break.
- Very well.
Answer one last question,
and you'll pass the test.
- All right, shoot--
come on.
- Come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on.
Get Ms. dis, we'll go through
dispatch central.
- Ms. dis, Ms. dis,
this is mad Mike and uptown.
Are you there?
Are you there?
- No, but I'm close.
- Ms. dis, listen to me.
We need your help.
We're gonna get
prune puss.
- You're gonna
get prune puss.
What can I do to help?
- Come on, Ms. dis,
lido's gonna leave.
- All right, gang,
here's the question.
Yes, yes.
What does a paramedic use
a brown paper bag for?
- Crap.
- She's not repeating
the question right.
- Come on, Ms. dis.
Can you make sure
that's the exact question
Dr. lido asked?
- That's what he said.
Oh, go on,
daddy.
When does a paramedic
use a brown paper bag?
- I give--
I don't know.
- She's hyperventilating.
- Hyperventilation,
hyperventilation.
- The patient breathes
into a brown paper bag
to restore the balance
of carbon dioxide.
- You didn't have
to act it out, dear,
but we're very
glad you did.
Congratulations,
gentlemen,
you passed the exam.
- Check it out.
- Oh, yeah.
- South central called.
Prune puss is on his way.
- Come on, guys,
why so down?
Pick up the tempo.
Both:
One, two, three, four.
- Hey.
- No smoking, gentlemen.
- You're beautiful, baby.
- Oh, look, look, look,
look at this.
- People.
You people either get
your insurance cards ready
or leave the premises.
- Roadie--
or not.
Camera.
- Will this do?
- Very good.
- Hey,
what's happening today?
Anything special?
Anything I need
to know about?
- Film--
film at 11:00.
Yeah, let's go.
- Blade runner.
- Prune puss is here.
- Prune puss is here?
- Prune puss is here?
- Let's go.
- Okay, stand by.
- Five, four,
three, two, one.
- Action.
- Oh, hello, hello, hello.
So nice to see
you undressed.
Maybe we should
kiss 'em, hm?
Nurse helms,
you nasty thing, you.
- I'm so sorry.
Damn paramedics
never believe me.
- Paramedics?
What the--
what's the meaning of this?
Paramedics?
- Life has no meaning.
Isn't it just enough
just to be?
In other words,
dance with me, you fool.
Come on,
show those cups what you got.
Oh, oh.
- That's it.
Yes.
- Careful going down,
big boy.
Oh.
- Maxwell.
Where's that son-of-a-bitch
partner of yours?
I might have known
you two are behind all this.
Damn you, farley.
Not only will you be
off the force,
but I'll have your asses
in jail.
- This is no
boating accident.
Sleep, sleep, sleep.
- Cut and print it.
That's a wrap, gang.
Yeah.
- All right, all right,
come on out.
Take a bow.
- Everybody, come on out.
You kids were terrific.
Leather and lace, captain.
Leather and lace.
Oh.
- There he is.
- And bow,
that's it.
You know, captain, because
of your hotdog heroics...
- Which we have recorded
for posterity on vhs.
- The chief wouldn't
let us fire you.
Yet.
- But once he gets a look
at this video,
he'll probably say--
- you animal.
- Why the long face,
captain?
- Help.
Help me.
Oh, god.
- Oh, welcome.
- Oh, welcome.
- Let's be light.
- Oh, what fabulous costumes.
Oh.
- I looked death
straight in the face
and then spit in its eye.
Blood, guts,
nothing fazes me.
Breasts faze me.
- Hmm.
- Silicone.
- Whoa.
- Breasts and bullets
faze me.
- What, didn't like
the creamed liver?
- Hey, I'll give you $5,000
for that heart.
- Cash?
- Whoa, wait.
- Huh?
- In here.
- Get me out of here.
I want some skulls.
- Got three more livers
in the towel room.
- I am up to here
in livers.
- So that's what it's about.
- Hm.
- Let's go.
- Here, quick.
Wait,
I forgot something.
- What?
- Liette.
- Oh, my god.
Savannah.
- Farley, no,
I'm not in the mood.
I'm going--
- you've got
to help us.
The whole gang of killers
are after me and mad Mike.
They've got Uzis
and machine guns.
Two of them
are paramedics.
They're trying to sell
human organs on the side.
- My god,
what an imagination.
- Quick,
they're right behind me.
- Sorry.
- Run.
- Farley, that's enough.
Farley, stop it right now.
Now, don't you know
when to stop, farley, huh?
- Savannah,
they're right--
they're right behind me,
Savannah.
Come on, come on, come on.
Savannah, Savannah.
Open the car door.
- Farley,
enough is enough.
- There we go.
There--
Savannah.
Start the--
start the car.
- This is embarrassing.
- This is
really embarrassing.
- Oh, here we are,
here we are.
- Farley, what do you think
you have to prove
by doing this, huh?
- Check the bus.
- Tell the plain, simple truth.
- All right,
the plain, simple truth is
I'm not very good with women.
- Wait, what?
- I never know
what to say to them,
especially you, Savannah.
- Oh, my god.
Wait,
is there a problem?
- So I make up
all these outrageous stories
because I want--
I want you to like me.
- Farley,
I've always liked you.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Wait, do you see
how easy that was?
- Yes, I do.
Yes, I do.
- Okay, did you want
to go some place, huh?
- Mm-hmm,
absolutely.
Let's go.
- How about grabbing
something to eat?
- Whoa.
- Oh, my god.
Aren't we
the eager beaver?
- Beast went up
your alley.
Jump in, quick.
- Thank you.
I hope he doesn't expect
a tip.
- Hurry.
Get in,
get in, get in.
- Whoo-hoo-hoo.
- Whoo-hoo.
- Uptown, mad Mike,
talk to me, talk to me.
- All units, code three.
All units, code three
on the roadblock
set from the corner
of letbridge and Plymouth.
- Good idea, buddy.
- Two paramedic trucks.
Let the first past,
I know him.
Grab the second one.
It's carrying
stolen human organs.
We're being chased
by two lowriders.
Correction, one lowrider.
- Uptown,
skulls, 10:00.
- Oh, my god.
- Suck foam, skull.
- Hang on.
- Good.
- Hang strong.
Hang on.
- Some first date, huh?
Whoa.
- I hope that's a stethoscope
in your pocket, farley.
- All right,
hold it right there.
- Hey.
- Yeah.
What are you doing?
- Look at this.
From frank.
Le coeur.
This is it.
- The wayward heart.
- Liette,
would you be my Valentine?
- We have to get this
into a refrigerator.
Come on.
- Look who's here.
- Liver.
- What do you guys need?
- Backboard.
- All right.
- Hey.
- Easy, easy, easy, easy.
- Hey, don't push me.
- Stop,
don't touch him.
Lose him.
Lose him.
You don't understand.
This man
is supposed to die.
- Excuse us, squid-ly.
We've got to save
this guy's life.
That's our job.
- You see, calamari,
we have a little problem
with authority.
- Particularly
authoritative seafood.
- Vamonos.
- You dudes,
you're all right.
- Thanks, blade runner.
- Name's blade.
- Good to meet you guys.
- Oh, yeah, great.
- Let's go.
- Buddy--
- would you believe I caught
this little son of a bitch
trying to cut off
my balls?
- Okay, 35-year-old male,
nonsmoker,
full term coverage.
- $760, six-month term.
I can do that policy for $600
and I throw in disability.
Oh, and $430,
no deductible.
- Wilfred,
both: Sell that policy.
- Yeah.
Whoa.
- Ooh.
- Need any help, ma'am?
- Both of us?
- Wouldn't that be
kind of dangerous?
After all,
danger is our business.
Come on.
- Whoo.
- Ho.
- Wilfred,
it's your turn to drive.
- You're going,
go.
- What did we do
to deserve this?
- Come on up here,
you guys.
- All right.
- All right.
- All right.
- I never know
what to expect from you boys.
Farley.
- Maxwell.
- You got it.
Maxwell.
- Never mind.
- Oh, hold it.
Come back here.
Also, for your heroics,
the city council
and the fire department
have awarded you
a $10,000 reward
and a full scholarship
to medical school
for bravery
and service to the city.
- Whoo.
- Yeah.
- Captain Prescott,
come up here.
- Here it goes.
- For your heroic efforts
during the city crisis,
and on the recommendation
of our heroes,
farley and Maxwell,
myself and the mayor,
I have decided to make you
deputy chief
of the south central district
permanently.
- You animal.
- Hit it.
- ♪ Hey, my name is mad Mike
and I'm here to say ♪
♪ I'm the best paramedic
in the world today ♪
♪ now, my partner uptown... ♪
Both: ♪ he be
jamming too ♪
♪ we can stitch it up
so you can play a tuba ♪
♪ paramedics ♪
♪ paramedics ♪
♪ now, we jump in the beast
when we get your call ♪
♪ we'll drive even faster
watch out, you all ♪
♪ we drive 100 mile an hour
coming round the bend ♪
♪ pass some people by
their hands standing on end ♪
♪ a paramedic ♪
♪ a paramedic ♪
♪ workin' south central station
emergency shift ♪
♪ we're possessing Philly spirit
you catch our drift ♪
♪ we got the blade, bernitez,
breed and white too ♪
♪ soon the captain prune puss
be joining the crew ♪
♪ the paramedics ♪
♪ paramedics ♪
- Hey, I'd like to send
a big get-well
of my own out
to the flying albino brothers.
Here's hoping our sorry emts
are soon back in action.
- Owen?
- Yeah.
- Was it good for you?
- Oh...
Both: Yeah.
- Oh.
- Oh, Prescott.
- Oh.
- Need a ride, young lady?
- Hi.
- Nah.
- Here,
he's up here, hon.
He's up here.
Oh.
- Oh.
- I'll Frankenstein him.
You get the pulse.
- Okay, sir, we're gonna put
some oxygen on you now,
all right?
Okay, there we go.
Breathe in.
That's it.
- Take it easy, now.
- Deeper, sir.
That's it,
that's it.
There we are.
- Pressure's dropping.
- He's in defib.
Here we go.
Slime me.
- Little dab'll do ya.
- Clear.
- Hit him again.
- Doing okay.
Clear.
- He's sparking.
- There we go.
- All right, sir.
That's it,
that's it.
Okay.
There we are.
- First one's free.
- Okay, that's enough.
- There we go,
there we go.
- You'll be all right.
You like that, huh?
- Was it good for you?
- Back up,
back up.
- What did you
put in the oxygen?
- I don't know.
Give me that.
- Best wishes
from the blazing skulls.
- All south central units,
proceed to primary and Lane.
The blazing skulls have just
shot up five 7-Eleven stores,
and the fire they set last night
at south central
has leveled the station.
- Watch it,
watch that fire.
- Do it now.
- Give me some action.
- Let's go,
come on, let's go.
- Steady, steady,
keep it steady now.
- It's a warzone
down there.
- Stop the world
out there.
This is an emergency?
Anyone near brewer
and shipley,
we've got a tennis injury.
- Let's do it.
- Are you sure?
I feel pretty good.
- Never fails.
First ten minutes.
- It was fine then.
- You know,
we had a similar case last week.
A man didn't heed
the warning.
Within an hour,
the arterial poisoning
had circulated
throughout the entire body.
- The pain.
Pain.
- Tragic.
- You should go too, sir.
- What?
- He's gonna need someone there
at a time like this.
- Sprained ankle.
Book him, danno.
That wasn't your husband,
was it?
- Uh-uh.
- Good, good.
I like him.
You know, we're dealing
with multiple contusions
with complications
with tibial tendon.
It's a direct result
of his not understanding
the physiology of the game.
You know the body.
- How's the serve going?
- It's okay.
- Let me show you
some of the pointers here.
Feet,
shoulder-width apart, okay?
- And a one, and a two
and three, okay.
- Keep your eye right
where that's gonna go.
That's it,
good form, good hips.
- Let me demonstrate.
Okay, pick up the ball.
Here we go,
and a little closer.
- Extension, extension.
Hips turned.
Oy, that's nice.
- Got the ball?
- That's great.
- I'm with you,
I'm with you,
I'm with you,
and swing.
- And bingo.
That's--
- keep them bouncing.
- Yeah.
- Very talented.
- Whoo-whoo.
- I love sports medicine.
- Myself.
- Dr. uptown, mad Mike,
we got a little Fender bender
at the richelieu fountain.
Can you take it?
- Was it good for you?
- Uh-huh.
- This way, this way,
this way, go.
- Hey, we're going left.
- Stay here.
- Hey, give my man a five
for the wash.
- Here's five.
- Hey.
- Feeling better?
- I'm fine,
I'm fine.
Just let me out of here.
- Grab your gonads.
- I really appreciate the way
you're taking care of me.
You're doing a super job.
You're fantastic.
- Go around, idiot!
- You guys are fabulous.
- All right.
- Er/or edq.
Dr. bebe to er/or edq.
- Ew.
- Ew, icky.
- How do you intend
to pay?
Sir, please,
you're bleeding
all over my desk.
After you've completed
your medical history
and your personal autobiography,
fill out the form
which details any diseases,
disgusting habits,
or any nasty rumors concerning
any member of your family,
in alphabetical order.
- But I'm bleeding.
- Be ready
when I call your number.
Next.
- Dr. leakey,
paging Dr. leakey.
Please pick up
your urine sample from the lab.
- Oh.
- Oh, god.
Farley, farley,
what is it?
- Oh.
- What, what?
Is it your head?
- No, it's my heart.
- Farley.
- don't worry,
I'm fine.
It's just a touch
of narcolepsy.
- Oh, I see.
The disease du jour
is sleeping sickness.
- Oh, go ahead.
Ridicule, make fun,
but it's a terrible thing
to live with.
You never know
when it's gonna strike--
- oh, farley, farley,
get up.
Farley, you're drooling
on my reeboks.
Oh, gross.
You're a sick man,
very sick, farley.
- That's what I've been trying
to tell you,
and what I need in the way
of emergency attention
is a tender, loving nurse
with an outrageous
bedside manner.
- Oh, now I see
what you need.
You need
a tender, loving nurse...
- Yes.
- With an outrageous
bedside manner.
- You got it.
- I say sleep it off,
farley.
- And to think
I stood up for you
when all the fellas
were speculating
on why they called you
head nurse.
- Dr. black, see Mr. brown,
green room, code blue.
- Oh!
- She adores me.
- Uh-huh.
- Dr. black to the green room,
code blue.
- Next.
- Titillation
therapist to--
- do you have
shortness of breath?
- Yes.
- Do you have
any dizziness?
- Yes.
- Do you have any cash?
- No.
- Next.
- Do you take this one?
- I don't work.
- Y'all better
get me a doctor,
or you're gonna need one.
- How's your liver?
- Pretty good.
- Neat.
- Huh?
- Listen,
was she blonde?
- Blind?
- Blonde,
blonde.
- Come on.
- I don't feel so good.
- I don't feel...
- You will.
- Code brown.
Robert blasdell
to preventive proctology.
Code brown.
- So big deal.
And the reason that you are
so interested in her
is because she isn't
falling all over you.
- I don't want her
to fall all over me,
and that's not why
I'm interested
in the first place.
It's no big deal,
but close.
Sweet and sour?
- Hit it.
- We finished cleaning out
the inside of your rig.
Now do we get dinner?
- Well, that was the deal.
- Mouse, mouse,
see if you can get this refilled
for me, huh, buddy?
- Farley, Maxwell.
- Uh-oh.
- I just had my ears chewed off
for the last three hours
by a congressman.
He said two paramedics sent him
and a federal judge
to mid-city hospital
for a goddamn sprained ankle
while the so-called paramedics
gave tennis lessons
and god knows what
other kind of lessons
to their wives.
And what about it?
- Well, I think it's just
probably another one
of your syphilitic
hallucinations, sir.
Your ear looks fine.
- You know what
I'm talking about.
Unauthorized use
of a city vehicle
for chasing nooky.
- Say what?
Nooky?
- Is that one of your
technical terms, captain?
- I'll give you
a technical term, smart-ass.
Requisition slips.
$2,500 for
an ambulance stereo system.
- Alleviation of pain begins
with ambient sounds, sir.
Mood music, if you will.
It's saved
countless lives.
- Mm-hmm.
$950 for the installation
of a sunroof?
- Hey, you kidding me?
A day without the sun
is like a day with--
- the savings
in vitamin c alone
could help reduce our
present pharmaceutical budget
for the next couple
of years.
- How did you plan
to explain away purchases
of dom perignon
and beluga caviar?
- How did we plan
to explain that?
- Simple.
Holistic healing.
- Now, listen to me,
I'm not gonna blow my career
and my pension
over you two jerk-offs.
I'm going to get rid
of you
before you get rid
of me.
- Do I sense a smidgen
of repressed hostility,
captain?
- It ain't repressed.
I hate
you sons of bitches.
You treat your jobs
like summer camp.
You have no respect
for authority.
You don't follow
procedure,
and then they end up
giving you medals
for breaking the rules.
Both: Shit happens.
- So you save a few lives,
get the publicity.
Who does
all the work, huh?
- Why, you do, sir.
- What do I get
for all the headaches
and the ulcers?
- They gave you
that dalmatian paperweight,
sir.
- I warned you, and this time,
it's gonna cost you boys.
- Payoffs, sir?
Our role model
is resorting to payoffs?
- Extortion is a serious crime,
captain.
- Recertification, boys.
- Huh?
- Recertification.
Remember, boys,
you not only have to pass
your tests,
you need my evaluation
and recommendation,
especially if somebody
is looking for a scholarship
to medical school.
Fat chance.
Now, because
of your hotdog heroics,
the chief won't
let me fire you yet.
So I decided
on the next best thing.
Effective tomorrow,
both of you are being
transferred to south central
during the red alerts.
It's a real crisis, you know,
the next 48 hours.
Have a good time, boys.
Why the long faces, boys?
- I burned down
a fire station,
and all you Caesar brothers
bring me are three livers?
- All the other parts
were burned.
- I want human organs.
I don't care
if they're well done.
Hearts, kidneys, lungs,
even a mucus membrane,
but no more livers.
What about your contact
with the intern at mid-city?
- He's grabbing everything
he can get his hands on.
- Only so many were dead.
- It's not good enough.
- We can't make
accidents happen.
- Well, I can.
Get ready for a gang fight
near the tracks tomorrow.
- ♪ Beautiful day
in the neighborhood ♪
♪ a beautiful day
for a neighbor ♪
♪ would you be mine
could you be mine ♪
- Come on,
this could turn out to be
an existential experience.
- Great place to come
if you only had
a week to live.
Seem like a year.
- We're only here
for two days.
- Yeah, it only takes
two seconds to get killed.
I spent my whole life
getting out
of a neighborhood
like this.
- Come on,
you grew up behind a mall.
- I clawed and scraped
my way.
Man,
I could have been somebody.
Hey, I'm serious.
Just when I'm this close
to getting my own garage
and body shop,
I got all my money together--
- all right, all right,
would you stop and remember
why you became a paramedic?
- I get to drive fast.
- Yes.
- Through traffic.
- Yes.
- No tickets.
- Now we're thinking
positive.
- Okay, I'm positive
we're gonna die.
- Mike, you think
that lifeguard job
at the city pool
has been taken?
- Oh, here it is.
don't touch it.
Hey, hey, hey.
No, not the windshield,
not--
- here you go.
- Thanks, pops,
but it's already dirty.
- All right.
- Thanks.
- Would you mind checking
this address again, please?
- There's the lizard,
the snake.
It's no use, buddy.
This is it.
- Yo, Charlie,
send up that fresh meat.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
- Oh, man,
- look at this place.
- Mm, looky, looky.
- Nice decor.
Early colonial punk.
- Reinforcements.
Hip
hip
both: Hip hip hooray.
- So y'all lose your way
to the country club,
gentlemen?
- Mi casa es su casa.
- Buenos dias.
I'm farley.
This is Maxwell.
We're the new transferees.
- Check it out, dudes.
This is the gringo ringers
from the good side of town.
Both: Here they come
to save the day.
- Hi, I'm bennie bernitez,
paramedic.
Damn glad to meet you.
How the hell are you?
- Mildly amused.
- What's happening, man?
They call me brain damage.
I don't know why, man,
but lads,
over here is me partner,
the blade runner.
If he likes you,
he might let you
call him blade for short,
but don't call him
[Indistinct],
or he'll kick you
up your kilt.
Come on,
look alive, lads.
Look alive.
- Where do we put
our stuff, blade?
- Name's blade runner.
- Mm-hmm.
- Gentlemen,
we have two suites available.
We have the penthouse,
and we have something that's
tres magnifique.
It is a real knockout,
a lanai with a city view.
- I like the lanai.
- Lanai.
- Gentlemen,
welcome to painville.
- I hope you boys won't
be too disappointed.
The tennis court is just
not quite finished yet,
Yvonne.
- Now, blade, honey,
don't you be scaring
our customers like that.
- Well, I have
to read you, girl.
- I get the tent.
- All yours.
- Is the pool heated?
- Yep,
and jacuzzi's back there.
We're gonna show you
the Polo grounds
a little bit later.
Now, before you muchachas
get a little too comfortable,
why don't you follow me?
- Walk this way.
- Fore!
- This way.
- Gentlemen, I'd be very happy
to introduce you
to the rest of the staff.
That's Trent.
- Yo.
- And Saul.
Here's hyman
at the bidet.
That's Murray.
Now, over there is Moses,
the coach.
Get out of there,
Felix.
Now, he's working out
the strategy
for the next emergency.
- Now,
Moses?
Moses, baby?
- Yes.
- The new recruits.
- Oh, shit.
Would you look
at the size of that one?
Holy cripes, boy.
Fine.
Ooh,
fine.
Boy, you are fine.
Goddamn,
look at those legs.
You have got
a nice haircut, boy.
Look at you.
Fine.
I'll tell you,
you guys look in great shape.
Glad to have you
on the team.
Yeah, listen,
I am
captain Moses stillwell.
We don't stand
on formality around here.
In fact, we don't stand on
much of anything
if we can help it.
- Works for me.
- As long as
you get out there,
and you kick some ass.
Listen, we have had
our asses kicked
all over the city,
but we coming back
in the second half.
It's the fourth quarter
that counts.
Listen, I'm working out
some new plays,
and you guys, pay attention
to shit over here.
Come over here.
I want to show
you something.
Now, when this guy starts
to come around this end,
we got to have somebody
to take him out.
You--
are you looking?
- Blade, why don't you
tell our guests
what these
two extremely white guys
at the shortwave radio
are doing here at south central?
- We be eight-odd
emergency medical technicians.
Two're pissing their pants
every hour on the hour.
Here we have breedlove
and white, two volunteer emts,
two insurance salesmen
looking for romance
and adventure
in the crisis trade.
We call them--
both:
The flying albino brothers.
- Now, somebody has cut
our phone lines
and scared the caca
out of them.
- We have to get word
to our family
to tell them
we're okay.
- And ask the head office
if our beneficiaries collect
if we're only dismembered.
- And is it double indemnity
if we're stabbed,
and then we're shot?
Absolutely, it should be
a business policy.
- That's ours.
- Hi, you've reached
uptown and mad Mike
if this is an emergency.
If not, leave a message,
and we'll get back to you.
- This is Marcy.
Thanks for the checkup
last night.
I ache so much.
I feel like I've been
riding a horse for three days.
- Right, what's--
- hello.
- Why do we have people here?
- Whoo.
- Whoa.
- Move, personal call.
- Look at this.
You got a cd player.
- Marcy?
- Check it out, man.
- Bennie, bennie, please,
I've got to call the registry.
There has been
a terrible mistake.
Wilfred and I should never
have been transferred here.
- Oh, no,
you just wait your turn.
I got to call my bookie.
- No, no,
I got to call my doctor.
I'm allergic to something.
I don't know,
the garage, the air.
- Poverty.
- Poverty,
that's it.
I'm allergic
to poor people.
- don't you like
what we've done to the place?
It used to be
a tortilla factory.
- Yeah, man,
a fire bug, man.
He torched our station.
So temporarily,
we had to hide the fire trucks
on 34th street.
- Whoa, whoa,
wait a second.
You're saying
that the arsonist burned down
your fire station?
- We were out on call.
- That's why we got
to be thinking defense.
- Yeah,
I'm thinking evacuation.
- Hey, wait, excuse me,
but I think
it's the damn cops
that's got to work
on their offense
to nail
these blazing skull suckers.
- Hey, man,
the cops don't care, man.
- Absolutely.
- I've been saying that
from the very beginning,
but nobody listens.
- No, no, man, the cops--
- get in line!
- The lieutenant here
will inform us
as to what is being done.
Lieutenant?
- Good morning, gentlemen.
I'm lieutenant holcomb,
arson investigations.
- You are kidding me.
- Listen, curly,
I never kid.
- That's what I thought.
- Got it?
- Yeah, I was just saying
that there's a time for humor
and, you know--
- first of all--
first of all,
we're not dealing
with amateurs here, okay?
This is
a well-organized gang.
They're using
guerilla tactics here, men.
- But this isn't exactly
a hotbed
for international
terrorism.
- Unless gadhafi's
full of shiite.
- Funny.
- Now, that's--.
- Listen up, blondie,
I'm glad you men
have a little levity down here,
all right?
Because you're gonna need it.
Things are gonna get
a little rough,
and if that
scares anybody,
just let me know now.
I'll make sure
to write it up
and send it
to the big boys.
You'll have no problem.
- You know,
as a matter of fact,
I--
- okay.
Forget it,
forget it.
I was obligated
to ask that question,
but it doesn't mean shit,
the cold hard facts
is that we're up there
with our asses hanging out.
And that's the way it is
in the big city, okay?
All right, now, I'm down here
to try to help you guys.
I'm trying to prevent
you guys from getting shot.
Any questions?
- Sir, sir, sir.
- Actually--
- I mean, ma'am.
My partner and I make
rather noticeable targets
and I wonder--
- yes,
Ms. lieutenant holcomb,
if we could volunteer
for police protection,
that'd be breedlove,
white, breedlove--
- and white.
- Police protection program.
- If it pleases lieutenant.
- If it's not
too much to ask.
- Request denied.
What a bunch of pussies.
I can't believe it.
- Lieutenant--
- red alert,
all south central units,
gang fight erupting
at the corner of Heller street
and sherve Avenue.
The demonic mutilators
and the Satan's scum
are about to get it on.
- That's us, homeboys!
- Come on, follow us.
- This is our
big one.
Strategize and pass the word.
Now, listen up now,
bennie and blade,
they doing the end run.
Now, the rookies,
they're blitzing up
the defensive line.
- Yeah.
Right.
- Can we go over this
again?
- Very slowly,
very slowly.
- No,
shut up and listen.
- One more time,
one more time.
- No, ain't no reason.
I'm gonna give you hand signals,
all right?
- Right on.
- Let's go,
let's go.
Both: Yeah.
- Woo!
This is it!
Come on!
- Ooh, whoo.
Ooh, I love this baby.
- Hey, man,
what's going on?
What are you--
- what up, y'all?
- Hey.
- Possible stabbing,
cranial bludgeoning.
Now be careful, guys.
There's gunfire
in the area.
- Did you hear that?
- It sounded awful.
- No, no, not that.
That, that.
Did you hear the engine?
Did you hear
that little ping?
Isn't it driving
a little funny?
- Oh, oh,
the engine.
- The engine.
- Oh, oh,
that engine sounds terrible.
Yes, yes.
- Oh, something like that
could get us killed.
- Better get that checked.
- Absolutely.
They got this hemi
so bored out,
these plugs are getting
a headache.
Whoo, whoo.
I'm pulling 500 horses
on the back wheels.
This sucker'll flat-out go,
Jim.
- Very good,
very good.
Hold the thought.
Where are we going?
- Huh?
- You boys need directions?
- Follow us for
murder, mayhem, and mending.
- Let's go.
All: Mutilate.
- Mute, mute.
All: Mutilate.
- Mute mute.
All: Mutilate.
- Mute, mute.
All: Mutilate.
- Mute mute.
All: Mutilate.
- Mute, mute.
All: Mutilate.
- Mute mute.
All: Mutilate.
All: Satan's scum,
Satan's scum.
All: Mutilate.
- Mute, mute.
All: Mutilate.
All: Satan's scum.
All: Mutilate.
- Watch out.
- Go, go.
- All right,
get over there.
- They're shooting at us.
- They're not
shooting at us.
What're they're shooting
at us for,
we're paramedics.
- Yeah, go ahead
and tell them that.
So are these
the blazing skulls?
- No, this is just
the normal stuff.
- The vatos in the boxcar
call themselves
the demonic mutilators.
Now, the vatos in the building
is their enemy, Satan's scum.
- They're fighting over
who's gonna be numero uno.
- Then what's this,
the playoffs?
- That's Pete.
- Come on out!
- Hey, man,
what are you, crazy?
- Hey, you shoot
this mother,
you're really in trouble.
Son of a bitch.
- Yeah, that'll teach 'em.
- What the hell are
the caesars doing?
- How come no one's
shooting at them?
- I don't know.
- I don't
know.
- Where's the meat?
- Here.
- Man, let's go up
on the roof.
- Amateurs.
- A mutilator and a cop
went down
on the southwest corner.
Wait a minute.
We're gonna try
to get down there.
You guys, get ready
to back us up, dig it?
- Wait, wait, wait a sec.
What do you mean
"back you up?"
Both: Ahh!
- Move your shit,
my man.
- Viva la revolucion.
I got you,
I got you, man.
Come on.
- We got to rush
these guys to the er.
You guys, stay cool.
Stay cool.
Let's go,
let's go.
- What do we do now?
- We wait until it's over.
Sit down, watch them work.
- Two minute warning.
I'm sorry I'm late.
What's the score?
- Just about tied up.
Satan's scum looks
really good.
- Whoo.
- Now you're playing.
50 bucks says
the mutilators
wrap this thing up
in another 20 minutes.
- You're on.
- Lieutenant,
ma'am, ma'am,
they got guns up there.
- You call those guns?
- I'm in the game now.
Cover me,
cover me.
- Wait, don't--
- Moses, no.
- He's in the open.
He's at the 50, the 40,
the 30, the 20,
look at him go.
Oh.
Substitution,
substitution.
- Think somebody just
called our number.
- Substitution.
Both: Oh, shit.
- Hold it,
back, back, back, back.
Jump in here.
- Climb in.
Come on,
let's go,
and five and six
and seven and eight.
- Looks like I'm benched
for a while.
- Well,
he's in rough shape.
Got a gunshot wound
in the right lateral clavicle
and scapula.
Listen.
I think it's over.
Maybe not.
- Got to do something,
partner.
He's going to
exsanguinate.
He needs definitive
care immediately.
- Okay, here we go.
Everybody!
[Indistinct]
Whoa.
All: Scum, Satan's scum,
Satan's scum.
- Mute.
All: Mutilate.
- Mute, mute.
All: Mutilate.
- Paramedic.
Eat this, paramedic.
- Hey,
you dropped something.
- Great catch.
- Oh, my leg.
My leg.
All: Scum, Satan's scum.
All: Mutilate.
- Mute, mute.
All: Mutilate.
- Is that the best you got?
- Hey, look out, man.
- Come on, man.
- Look out, man.
- Look out.
- Watch out.
- ♪ The one
the only one ♪
♪ under the sun,
under the sun ♪
♪ whoa ♪
♪ don't be a player, girl ♪
- We got to get back
to the west end, man.
I mean, I can't take
much more of this.
I mean,
people shoot at you
when you're trying
to help them.
I mean, I was cool when
that first big one came down,
and I heard
that whoosh, poof,
and the one that
went ch-ch-ch-ch-boom,
and then pew, bop,
and shooting,
running like an idiot.
Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch--
- hey.
- I got to get
a hold of myself.
- Better still,
grab a hold of candy stripers
on the right flank.
- Mm-hmm.
- Hey, what's going on?
- Medical groupies
at the far corner table.
- Uh-huh.
- And nurses all around.
- I still can't handle
meaningful communication.
Both: The candy stripers.
- If it isn't your uptight
head nurse Savannah.
- Mike, you got
that remote doodad on you?
- Yeah, doodad, kid.
- Thanks, Mike.
- Works every time.
- Is this seat vacant?
- It is now.
Farley,
I'm with a surgeon.
- Yet, no one cuts
as deep as you.
- You roll
your eyes like that,
and a wave carries me onto
the surf of your soul.
- Thank you, rod mckuen.
Now, give me a break.
- Exactly.
A breaker.
- Before that wave carries you
back out to sea,
can I ask you
something?
How come
you're never serious?
No, I mean,
I heard--
although it's difficult
to believe--
that you're in line
for a full
medical scholarship.
- Vicious gossip.
However,
I am the recipient
of the Albert schweitzer-
Dr. Ruth westheimer grant.
- Farley, say good night.
- You're in my seat,
paramedic.
- Oh, I'm terribly sorry,
doctor.
Allow me.
- Stuff it, fella.
- Now, doctor,
I realize your vast experience
at inserting suppositories
might make a remark like
"stuff it, fella"
come off the top of your head
like that,
but I think you might have
a little more respect
for the lady here.
Oh, you might start thinking
about wearing a hat
before someone slips
a rubber over your head.
- All right,
now you try it.
Listen to what happens
to your heart
when I put my hand here.
- That's not my heart.
- That's not my hand.
You know--
- Christy?
- Daddy?
- Shouldn't you be home
studying?
- Good evening,
chief Wilkins.
I was just showing
your daughter here--
who, by the way,
is becoming quite
a lovely young lady--
a cardiovascular technique
that I've been--
- farley,
good to see you.
- Maxwell.
- Maxwell.
- Farley.
- So you fellows
have volunteered
to work at
south central.
I never know what
to expect from you boys.
- Well, hey--
- well, thank you,
chief Wilkins.
I suppose you heard about
captain Moses' injury.
- Yeah, good man.
Got to find someone
to replace him.
- You thinking
what I'm thinking?
- What?
What?
- What?
Yes, yes, I am.
- Especially on red alert.
You are gonna need
a man of courage.
- A man with balls.
- Who?
Who?
- Well, I do know a man
who would risk his career...
- And his pension to--
- get this job done.
- Who, who?
- A man of steel.
- Yet sensitive
to the problems.
- Who is this man?
Spit it out.
- Honey, I'm going all the way
to the governor with this.
Bye, honey.
- Sell him one kidney,
two pancreases, all size nine.
- One liver.
- That's it.
- Looking good.
Come on.
Man, big Hooters.
Man,
pancreas on the right.
Mucus membranes
on the left.
- Flash,
this just in.
Critical knife injury
at El quejido's restaurant.
- Hey, just what
we've been waiting for.
- Lock and load, bubba.
- You want to take it?
- We're close,
we'll take it.
- Get lost.
This call is ours.
- How rude.
If you want the call,
just ask us nicely.
- We're not asking you,
man.
We're telling you.
- Hey, watch out.
- Hey, come on, man.
- Okay, boys.
Time to suck
my blast pack.
- Excuse me.
We need some directions.
Which way is backwards?
Much obliged.
- Did we work out
that little misunderstanding?
- We sure enough did.
- Which one's the patient?
- I'd bet on the guy
with his face in the guacamole.
- You mean the one
with the knife in his back.
- Yeah,
that looks like him.
- Like--
ooh, that's messy.
- Dude.
- Oh.
- I sure hope
he's not a food critic.
- I think he's still alive.
- Hey, don't touch him.
- Get out of the way,
huh, buddy?
- That man is
El calamari grande.
- Ah, the big squid.
I speak Spanish.
- He's still kicking.
- don't you see?
This was a hit.
El calamari is
a big mafia boss around here,
and the blazing skulls
want him dead,
so don't touch him.
You don't understand, man.
This man's supposed
to die.
- Hey, kid, are you
a relative, a close friend,
or just a
concerned citizen?
- No, I--
huh?
- Blood pressure, 80/60.
- That would be a mistake.
You're not listening
to me.
Hey?
- Easy, big squid.
- What's wrong
with you two?
- Mid-city,
this is unit 66.
- Starting
iv ringer's, 1,000.
Oh, if Savannah answers,
tell her I can't stop
thinking about her.
- Yeah, we got a stabbing
in the right quadrant
at 17th intercostal
and a guy who's crazy
about you.
Yeah, she said begin
mass stabilization,
and you're still
a schmuck.
- We're losing him.
- Lose him.
Lose him.
Lose him.
Save this man,
and you're in danger.
- Clear.
- Stop, please,
before it's too late.
- Hey, buddy, huh?
- Did you see him
jumpstart that sucker?
- We got to take him
to mid-city hospital now.
- Let's go,
let's go.
- You might be able
to convince the doctors there
to kill him.
- Thanks for
all your help.
- Hey, where you going?
- Where are we going?
Six flags,
where else?
- You weren't stopped on
the side of the road, were you?
- Nah.
- No.
- don't you guys ever think
of cleaning up
this place either, hm?
I do not appreciate walking
on peanut shells
in my bare feet.
- Oh, those are roaches,
sir.
Unsalted,
but we've taken precautions,
captain, look.
- I'm going [Indistinct].
- Three, two--
- I'm so tired
my hair hurts.
- Yeah, well,
no place like home, huh?
- Well, look who's here.
- Is that a hair net,
or are they prepping you
for brain surgery?
- Well, surprise,
surprise, surprise.
- Ooh, feeling a little edgy,
huh, captain?
How about a cup of decaf?
Well,
welcome to the station.
Night, cap.
- One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight.
One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight.
- And one and two,
and one and two.
- One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight.
One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, and eight.
- Hey, just a minute,
wait up.
And where do you think
you're going?
Right in here, dispatch.
- don't you worry, cap.
We'll be back before
you finish your coffee.
- You're not going anywhere.
You're still on duty.
- Standard procedure,
captain.
We get the morning off
for our test.
- That was before
your emergency assignment.
- We got our recertifications
today.
- I know.
If you set one foot
outside this district,
you're in violation
of county code.
You cannot desert your post
in a crisis situation.
- Wouldn't that
be a catch-22?
- How would you like
to catch a boot?
- No, sir.
No, sir,
thank you.
- It's all on the wheel,
boys.
What goes around
comes around.
Anyway you look at it,
today is your last day.
Croissant?
- It's all on the wheel,
Mike.
- Alert,
all available units.
Three freeway shootings
at I-55.
Pit bull attack
on temple street.
- Let's go.
- Train derailment
on regency street overpass,
and last but not least,
somebody has flooded
the ywca pool with ky jelly.
- All right.
Hustle up,
hustle up.
Whoo.
- We're gone,
we're gone.
- Will you get over here?
- Look out.
- Let's go,
I got--
- four patients requested
to mid-city hospital.
This is unit 66
en route to scene.
Please advise,
over.
- Captain Prescott
says
you're to proceed immediately
for field stabilization
at the banana stadium
rock concert.
- Damn.
That prune puss is going
to make sure it's like this
all day.
- Finally got us
by the nads.
He knows we're not gonna
risk somebody's life
to pass a test.
- Hey, I'm not losing my job
on account of that turd.
Croissant.
- No, no, no, no,
you're not thinking positive.
We're gonna--
you got to find a way.
Just relax.
- Okay, I'll relax.
What are you gonna do?
- Yeah, I'll--
- well,
that ought to work.
Hey, I can stay in the game
behind all his bs,
but what about you
and your scholarship?
I mean,
that test is so freaking easy.
- Tell me about it.
Room temperature iqs.
- I'd pass it in my sleep.
- I can phone it in.
- Ooh, ooh.
Both: Thank you.
- Hey, get down
with your bad self.
All: Bye-bye.
- Mr. farley,
an oral examination
over the telephone
is highly irregular.
Yes, I'm aware
of the south central crisis.
Yes, the shootings
and stabbings, the muggings,
the maimings.
Yes, even so, Mr. farley,
this exam is serious business.
I couldn't possibly--
chief Wilkins.
Well, in that case,
Mr. farley,
you have until 5:00 P.M.
to complete your phone-in test.
Yes, I want
to go home early.
I'm not feeling well.
All right, Mr. farley,
first question is for you.
What is the treatment
for a mild anxiety attack?
- Hey, who's gonna pay
for my new roof?
- Hey, cool it.
- I beg your pardon?
- Sorry, Dr. lido,
go ahead.
- What is the treatment
for a mild anxiety attack?
- Move it,
you asshole.
- I beg your pardon?
- Give the patient oxygen.
- Oxygen.
Oh, very good.
What are the symptoms
of an oncoming heart attack?
- Shortness of breath,
sweating, dizziness,
dull pressure pain
in the chest
radiating
into the arm.
- Oh, yes, very good
very good.
Oh, god.
All right,
how do you treat
an accident victim
with a broken leg who's
bleeding profusely?
- Okay, assess the abcs,
airway, breathing,
start to report the status.
If the problem's
not the fracture,
we stabilize the leg
and splint it.
- Yes, resetting
the bone is possible.
Yes, preparing
a hare traction splint.
Yes, go on.
- You know,
you don't know my mind.
- Yeah, yeah,
sounding good, right?
- Yeah, eat it.
- Look, we've been here
for 20 minutes.
Time's up,
let's go.
- I ain't going nowhere,
man.
- I can see that.
- don't touch me,
and I'm burning up.
- I know, man.
- You don't know nothing,
man.
- The hell I don't.
I know you, man.
It's like looking
in a rearview mirror.
Friend of yours?
Come on, buddy.
- All right, all right,
come on, man,
I'll rip your eyes out.
- The hell you will.
Alternative medicine
at work.
- And that,
ladies and gentlemen,
is why they call him
mad Mike.
Yeah, whoo-hoo.
- Did you hear
about the guy
who went in to have
hemorrhoid removal?
- Mr. Maxwell, give
your immediate response
to a patient suffering
from aggravated hiatal hernia.
- I think I misunderstood
that question.
- And the surgeon amputated
his legs?
- It's a little bit
radical.
- The guy sues
and loses his case
'cause he didn't have
a leg to stand on.
- Not bad.
- The answer is
paroxysmal nocturnal dyspnea,
something we see out here
in the field every day.
- This is not
official business.
Get off this channel.
- Pardon me, Jack,
but I work alone.
Get your own show.
- Come again.
- I'm sorry,
Dr. lido.
We're having
a little radio trouble.
We'll get back to you.
- Do you two really think
that this recertification
phone scheme will work, ey?
Bullshit.
- Hey, loud mouth,
this is my last warning.
Get off my show.
Both: Come on, Ms. dis!
- Put me back on the air.
- Thanks, Ms. dis,
we owe you one.
- Correction.
You owe me two.
Good luck, sweeties.
- All right, now, we got
to fight fire with fire.
That's it, man.
Prune puss has finally
stepped over the line.
- Now, I've been thinking
of a grand maneuver
that's gonna settle
this dilemma once and for all.
- As good as the time
we got him and his wife seats
for the hooker's harvest ball?
- Oh, better.
- Better than when
we made him grand Marshall
at the gay pride hayride?
- Yeah, much better.
This is gonna be
incredibly humiliating,
something
so abjectly degrading
that prune puss will
never bother us again.
- I like it already.
- Next question's
for Mr. Maxwell.
What is the code word
in the event
of an emergency childbirth?
- Look out,
watch it.
Son of a bitch.
- That is an incorrect answer
and an erroneous assumption.
Next question.
- Uh-oh, we'll get back
to you, Dr. lido.
- Man, god.
Look at my bumper.
- Better let me
handle this.
I speak airline.
- Go get some oxygen.
- For whom?
- Mademoiselle,
can I get you anything?
How about if I return you
to your original
upright position?
- Gentlemen,
where are you?
Go home, pop.
I'm only doing this
as a courtesy
to you and chief Wilkins,
who god knows
has never done shit for me.
- Mademoiselle,
you are perfect.
- I am very fine feeling.
- Mm-hmm.
I know that's right.
- My name is liette.
- My name is Mike Maxwell.
- And my name
is father time.
Ticktock, guys.
- Liette--
- I need--
very important--
at what time
do the oysters arrive?
- Breedlove and white,
there's a food poisoning
at the golden paradise.
No wimp excuses.
- Do we want to take that?
- Food poisoning?
- Food poisoning,
food poisoning.
Sure.
Piece of cake,
can of corn.
We'll be heroes.
- Oui, is simple, yes?
- Pretty much.
- Well, huh?
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
- Yeah,
he don't understand.
He's--
what?
Can you read this?
And I will get that fixed.
Yeah.
- She's picking up
a heart?
Authorization for transport
of human organs.
- Human organs?
To Paris from mid-city.
- Oui, mid-city.
Paris.
- Hey, I get it.
Get on the horn
and tell them the girl's
on the way.
- Oh, while you keep an eye
on the patient, right?
- Yeah.
Liette--
ooh--
- mid-city,
this is unit 66.
- Your condition demands
close, personal attencion.
- Attencion?
- Yes,
and I'm here to, like,
give you close observation.
- Observacion.
- I think she likes me.
- Course she does.
She doesn't speak English.
We have a little problem.
Mademoiselle,
la car vanished.
- Vanished?
- What happened?
- Her heart, a kidney,
and a whole lot of livers,
all gone.
Police are
checking it out now.
- Well, how can
something like that
just vanish
from mid-city?
- I don't know.
The computer's on the horn
right now
trying to get her
another heart.
- Liette,
you come with us,
and I promise you
I will get you a heart.
- Even if it's yours.
- All right,
when a kidney stone
gets passed through the male--
- sir?
- You know, when a man
passes a kidney stone
through his do-wacky,
his wee-wee--
- are you referring
to the male penis, Dr. lido?
- Zee-zee?
- Penis, penis,
I can say it.
Male penis.
Isn't that
a little redundant?
What is the procedure
that follows?
- No, don't play with it.
It'll pop out and spray.
- Oh, you're so graphic,
but it works for me.
- Me too.
- Yeah, here we are.
Yeah, right place.
- Have you seen the valet?
Who's gonna
park this thing?
Walk right here.
- Watkins,
Mr. Mikey Watkins.
- We're here
about the food poisoning.
We're paramedics.
- Ooh.
- Oh, god.
- This is breedlove.
We need backup.
Code three, code three.
Possible multiple
injuries, contusions,
neck injuries--
mine!
- I want everything
that belonged
to farley and Maxwell
cleaned out of here.
I don't want to be reminded
of these guys.
Come on, let's move it.
- Telephone for you, sir.
- Yeah?
Who?
Nurse who?
Yes, I remember you.
We met at the
emergency services convention.
Yes, yes, it was.
Yes, I am.
Yes, you were.
I mean, you are.
Well, you want
to meet me there today?
I mean, now?
Well, yes,
yes, I will.
The one nearest
the emergency entrance.
I got it.
What are you looking at?
- Beautiful day, sir.
- Blade runner, bennie,
white, breedlove,
we're just a few minutes away
from operation--
both: Star search.
- Calamari!
- Breedlove and white,
you assholes.
You went
to the wrong restaurant.
It's the golden paradise,
not the golden parachute.
- Oh, you are idiots.
Both: Ow, ow, ow.
- This is a bad one here.
- Hey, come on, man,
don't touch him.
- Not you again.
Can't you hold a job?
- What are we gonna do
with you, squid-ly?
That's twice in 48 hours.
- Madre de dios.
- I wonder
what he's saying.
- don't you speak Spanish?
- Of course I do.
He's saying madre,
mother something, I don't--
- I speak very
fine-looking espanol.
- She's great, huh?
- Yeah, it's outstanding.
She's translating Spanish
into French.
- Liette,
wait in the truck-cion.
- El calamari is saying,
"leave me alone.
I'm supposed to die."
- A paramedic is saying,
"work with us, please."
- You cannot change
what must be.
- Sorry to stand in the way
of progress, pal.
One, two, three.
- This is the second time
you've endangered your lives.
The blazing skulls
will now go after you.
You must let him die.
- Definite
paramedic material.
Got a one-track mind.
- Yeah, and it always leads
to El calamari.
- Remember, I warned you.
- Carry on, boys.
- Whoa!
- Right that way,
sweetheart.
- ♪ It's a beautiful day
in every way ♪
♪ hm hm hm
in every way ♪
♪ that's why I'm here
to save the day ♪
- Whoo-hoo.
Everything's ready.
- Whoo-hoo.
- We got
the video equipment.
- All right, mouse.
The flying albino brothers
here yet?
- Nah, man,
they dropped off their stuff
before checking into
physical therapy.
- And what about Savannah?
- Coming through.
Hot food,
coming through.
- Savannah,
don't you worry.
It's all been cleared through
the hospital administration.
We're doing a little documentary
on emergency procedures.
- Well, wait, no.
No, no, wait a minute.
Farley, you cannot bring
this type of circus in here, no.
- What, circus?
You call this a circus?
What kind of a childhood
did she have?
- I don't know.
- Farley,
what the hell are you up to?
- Dr. Saul wants
to see you upstairs.
You're needed in or.
Nurse helms
called in sick.
- Okay, thank you.
- Stage one complete.
Genius, Mike.
- Hey, genius,
it's five till five.
Dr. lido?
- Test--
phone.
- Do you know who I am?
- Beast.
- Right.
- Dr. lido, are you there?
- Gentlemen, gentlemen,
this has been a very
trying day for me.
I told you
I must leave by 5:00.
No,
I don't have time to--
- come on, man,
help us out.
- Come on,
Dr. lido, please,
there's one minute left.
Give us a break.
- Very well.
Answer one last question,
and you'll pass the test.
- All right, shoot--
come on.
- Come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on.
Get Ms. dis, we'll go through
dispatch central.
- Ms. dis, Ms. dis,
this is mad Mike and uptown.
Are you there?
Are you there?
- No, but I'm close.
- Ms. dis, listen to me.
We need your help.
We're gonna get
prune puss.
- You're gonna
get prune puss.
What can I do to help?
- Come on, Ms. dis,
lido's gonna leave.
- All right, gang,
here's the question.
Yes, yes.
What does a paramedic use
a brown paper bag for?
- Crap.
- She's not repeating
the question right.
- Come on, Ms. dis.
Can you make sure
that's the exact question
Dr. lido asked?
- That's what he said.
Oh, go on,
daddy.
When does a paramedic
use a brown paper bag?
- I give--
I don't know.
- She's hyperventilating.
- Hyperventilation,
hyperventilation.
- The patient breathes
into a brown paper bag
to restore the balance
of carbon dioxide.
- You didn't have
to act it out, dear,
but we're very
glad you did.
Congratulations,
gentlemen,
you passed the exam.
- Check it out.
- Oh, yeah.
- South central called.
Prune puss is on his way.
- Come on, guys,
why so down?
Pick up the tempo.
Both:
One, two, three, four.
- Hey.
- No smoking, gentlemen.
- You're beautiful, baby.
- Oh, look, look, look,
look at this.
- People.
You people either get
your insurance cards ready
or leave the premises.
- Roadie--
or not.
Camera.
- Will this do?
- Very good.
- Hey,
what's happening today?
Anything special?
Anything I need
to know about?
- Film--
film at 11:00.
Yeah, let's go.
- Blade runner.
- Prune puss is here.
- Prune puss is here?
- Prune puss is here?
- Let's go.
- Okay, stand by.
- Five, four,
three, two, one.
- Action.
- Oh, hello, hello, hello.
So nice to see
you undressed.
Maybe we should
kiss 'em, hm?
Nurse helms,
you nasty thing, you.
- I'm so sorry.
Damn paramedics
never believe me.
- Paramedics?
What the--
what's the meaning of this?
Paramedics?
- Life has no meaning.
Isn't it just enough
just to be?
In other words,
dance with me, you fool.
Come on,
show those cups what you got.
Oh, oh.
- That's it.
Yes.
- Careful going down,
big boy.
Oh.
- Maxwell.
Where's that son-of-a-bitch
partner of yours?
I might have known
you two are behind all this.
Damn you, farley.
Not only will you be
off the force,
but I'll have your asses
in jail.
- This is no
boating accident.
Sleep, sleep, sleep.
- Cut and print it.
That's a wrap, gang.
Yeah.
- All right, all right,
come on out.
Take a bow.
- Everybody, come on out.
You kids were terrific.
Leather and lace, captain.
Leather and lace.
Oh.
- There he is.
- And bow,
that's it.
You know, captain, because
of your hotdog heroics...
- Which we have recorded
for posterity on vhs.
- The chief wouldn't
let us fire you.
Yet.
- But once he gets a look
at this video,
he'll probably say--
- you animal.
- Why the long face,
captain?
- Help.
Help me.
Oh, god.
- Oh, welcome.
- Oh, welcome.
- Let's be light.
- Oh, what fabulous costumes.
Oh.
- I looked death
straight in the face
and then spit in its eye.
Blood, guts,
nothing fazes me.
Breasts faze me.
- Hmm.
- Silicone.
- Whoa.
- Breasts and bullets
faze me.
- What, didn't like
the creamed liver?
- Hey, I'll give you $5,000
for that heart.
- Cash?
- Whoa, wait.
- Huh?
- In here.
- Get me out of here.
I want some skulls.
- Got three more livers
in the towel room.
- I am up to here
in livers.
- So that's what it's about.
- Hm.
- Let's go.
- Here, quick.
Wait,
I forgot something.
- What?
- Liette.
- Oh, my god.
Savannah.
- Farley, no,
I'm not in the mood.
I'm going--
- you've got
to help us.
The whole gang of killers
are after me and mad Mike.
They've got Uzis
and machine guns.
Two of them
are paramedics.
They're trying to sell
human organs on the side.
- My god,
what an imagination.
- Quick,
they're right behind me.
- Sorry.
- Run.
- Farley, that's enough.
Farley, stop it right now.
Now, don't you know
when to stop, farley, huh?
- Savannah,
they're right--
they're right behind me,
Savannah.
Come on, come on, come on.
Savannah, Savannah.
Open the car door.
- Farley,
enough is enough.
- There we go.
There--
Savannah.
Start the--
start the car.
- This is embarrassing.
- This is
really embarrassing.
- Oh, here we are,
here we are.
- Farley, what do you think
you have to prove
by doing this, huh?
- Check the bus.
- Tell the plain, simple truth.
- All right,
the plain, simple truth is
I'm not very good with women.
- Wait, what?
- I never know
what to say to them,
especially you, Savannah.
- Oh, my god.
Wait,
is there a problem?
- So I make up
all these outrageous stories
because I want--
I want you to like me.
- Farley,
I've always liked you.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Wait, do you see
how easy that was?
- Yes, I do.
Yes, I do.
- Okay, did you want
to go some place, huh?
- Mm-hmm,
absolutely.
Let's go.
- How about grabbing
something to eat?
- Whoa.
- Oh, my god.
Aren't we
the eager beaver?
- Beast went up
your alley.
Jump in, quick.
- Thank you.
I hope he doesn't expect
a tip.
- Hurry.
Get in,
get in, get in.
- Whoo-hoo-hoo.
- Whoo-hoo.
- Uptown, mad Mike,
talk to me, talk to me.
- All units, code three.
All units, code three
on the roadblock
set from the corner
of letbridge and Plymouth.
- Good idea, buddy.
- Two paramedic trucks.
Let the first past,
I know him.
Grab the second one.
It's carrying
stolen human organs.
We're being chased
by two lowriders.
Correction, one lowrider.
- Uptown,
skulls, 10:00.
- Oh, my god.
- Suck foam, skull.
- Hang on.
- Good.
- Hang strong.
Hang on.
- Some first date, huh?
Whoa.
- I hope that's a stethoscope
in your pocket, farley.
- All right,
hold it right there.
- Hey.
- Yeah.
What are you doing?
- Look at this.
From frank.
Le coeur.
This is it.
- The wayward heart.
- Liette,
would you be my Valentine?
- We have to get this
into a refrigerator.
Come on.
- Look who's here.
- Liver.
- What do you guys need?
- Backboard.
- All right.
- Hey.
- Easy, easy, easy, easy.
- Hey, don't push me.
- Stop,
don't touch him.
Lose him.
Lose him.
You don't understand.
This man
is supposed to die.
- Excuse us, squid-ly.
We've got to save
this guy's life.
That's our job.
- You see, calamari,
we have a little problem
with authority.
- Particularly
authoritative seafood.
- Vamonos.
- You dudes,
you're all right.
- Thanks, blade runner.
- Name's blade.
- Good to meet you guys.
- Oh, yeah, great.
- Let's go.
- Buddy--
- would you believe I caught
this little son of a bitch
trying to cut off
my balls?
- Okay, 35-year-old male,
nonsmoker,
full term coverage.
- $760, six-month term.
I can do that policy for $600
and I throw in disability.
Oh, and $430,
no deductible.
- Wilfred,
both: Sell that policy.
- Yeah.
Whoa.
- Ooh.
- Need any help, ma'am?
- Both of us?
- Wouldn't that be
kind of dangerous?
After all,
danger is our business.
Come on.
- Whoo.
- Ho.
- Wilfred,
it's your turn to drive.
- You're going,
go.
- What did we do
to deserve this?
- Come on up here,
you guys.
- All right.
- All right.
- All right.
- I never know
what to expect from you boys.
Farley.
- Maxwell.
- You got it.
Maxwell.
- Never mind.
- Oh, hold it.
Come back here.
Also, for your heroics,
the city council
and the fire department
have awarded you
a $10,000 reward
and a full scholarship
to medical school
for bravery
and service to the city.
- Whoo.
- Yeah.
- Captain Prescott,
come up here.
- Here it goes.
- For your heroic efforts
during the city crisis,
and on the recommendation
of our heroes,
farley and Maxwell,
myself and the mayor,
I have decided to make you
deputy chief
of the south central district
permanently.
- You animal.
- Hit it.
- ♪ Hey, my name is mad Mike
and I'm here to say ♪
♪ I'm the best paramedic
in the world today ♪
♪ now, my partner uptown... ♪
Both: ♪ he be
jamming too ♪
♪ we can stitch it up
so you can play a tuba ♪
♪ paramedics ♪
♪ paramedics ♪
♪ now, we jump in the beast
when we get your call ♪
♪ we'll drive even faster
watch out, you all ♪
♪ we drive 100 mile an hour
coming round the bend ♪
♪ pass some people by
their hands standing on end ♪
♪ a paramedic ♪
♪ a paramedic ♪
♪ workin' south central station
emergency shift ♪
♪ we're possessing Philly spirit
you catch our drift ♪
♪ we got the blade, bernitez,
breed and white too ♪
♪ soon the captain prune puss
be joining the crew ♪
♪ the paramedics ♪
♪ paramedics ♪
- Hey, I'd like to send
a big get-well
of my own out
to the flying albino brothers.
Here's hoping our sorry emts
are soon back in action.
- Owen?
- Yeah.
- Was it good for you?
- Oh...
Both: Yeah.
- Oh.
- Oh, Prescott.
- Oh.
- Need a ride, young lady?