Pandemonium (1982) - full transcript
A former high school student who always wanted to be a cheerleader decides to reopen the cheerleading program at her former high school after years of closure for being targeted by a serial killer.
♪ Hey, hey, what do you say?
♪ Blue, Blue, all the way!
- Oh
golly, look at him go!
A truly sensational pass,
ladies and gentlemen!
Blue Grange has
broken seven tackles!
He's at 10, the five!
Touchdown!
The 1963 National Championship!
Oh, Blue, darling.
You'd probably love me if I
was a nice Midwestern girl
without this Brooklyn accent,
but oh, I'll try
hard to be a WASP.
I'll...
I'll bathe in milk, eat white
bread without the crust,
and name our children
Kent, Steve, and Mary Anne.
♪ Hey, hey, what do you say?
♪ Blue, Blue all the way!
Look how dirty you get-
- Blue, are the rumors
of you going pro true?
Of course he's going pro.
He's the best.
No, he's not.
He'd get hurt.
He's not gonna go
near another football!
- Oh yeah, he's
getting a football.
- Put that down,
you'll get hurt!
Blue, smile.
It's for the cover of
Sports Illustrated.
I'm his mother.
Uh-oh.
- Girls, you know
that halftime salute
to vegetables worked great.
- Thanks.
- Thanks.
- Hey, what do you say we
all go to the malt shop?
The football players
will be there.
Sounds fun!
Can I come too?
Forget it, Bambi!
Cheerleaders only,
so get outta here!
You know, beat it.
- All right, stand back,
stand back, police.
Bring that stretcher
over here, bring it over.
- I don't know who could have
possibly done such a thing.
- It's supposed to be
the act of a maniac.
- Either that or
a very large chef.
Ha!
Oh, you scared me.
Are you Pepe?
No, I am Pepe.
I haven't been peppy since
they removed my prostate gland.
May I clean inside
of your megaphone?
No, no thank you.
I was told to ask for
Pepe, the maintenance man.
That is I, that is I.
My name is Bambi.
Bambi like the deer.
Like the little deer.
- Only thee that
is pure at heart
and says his prayers at night
may become a cheery leader
when the pom poms bloom and
the Autumn moon is bright.
That's my Ma Ma.
- Oh, you must be
Salt, Pepe's mother.
So, you're the one starting
the cheerleading camp again, eh?
That's right.
Excuse me for saying this,
but you must be very stupid
because the cheerleading
camp has been ruined by death
since 1963 when those cheerleaders
were skewered to death
and then in '69 when
their feet were-
You mustn't stay here.
- I know every cheerleading
camp here has ended in death,
but I've put all my life
savings into this camp
as well as my time, energy,
and all-American
cheerleading spirit!
I'm gonna make this
camp a success.
Sure, I was turned down to
be a cheerleader in '63,
but I was good, I was the best,
but they had their
own little cliques
and only their
friends could join.
So I had to transfer
over to Embraceable U
where I was captain
for four years.
But now, I'll show them.
They'll see what I can do.
And I don't want you
scaring my cheerleaders away
with those stories!
- Can't we tell them the
one about the mass murderer
who escaped from the prison?
No.
- Can we tell them
about the psychopath
who escaped from asylum?
No.
- What about the
waitress and the donkey?
Well, only if they're good.
- Bus now
leaving for Akashabee,
Indiana, Denver, and Honolulu.
Stop, child.
Whoa.
Do you know the Lord loves you?
Do you know that he's
with you constantly
and he has told me personally
that he doesn't want you
to sin unless he can watch?
Don't be tempted, child.
Don't get on that bus.
Mama.
- You mustn't go to that
evil camp with those,
those cheerleaders.
Everyone will see
your dirty pillows.
- Those aren't
dirty pillows, mama.
They're breasts.
Not those.
Those are titties.
Those are dirty pillows.
- Those aren't my
dirty pillows, mama.
They're his dirty pillows!
- They're not dirty
pillows, they're breasts.
Butt out.
Satan, Satan is within my child.
Cast him out so she won't
be led into temptation.
Mama, stop!
Mama, I've never been
away from home before.
I never kissed a boy,
never went out on
a date, nothing.
I just want to be a normal girl.
I'm going to that
cheerleading camp
and I'm gonna be
like everybody else.
I'm gonna make friends.
I'm gonna have fun.
I'm gonna wear makeup,
I'm gonna go out with boys,
I'm gonna sleep with truck
drivers and get crabs,
and I'm gonna finally
get to use my diaphragm!
- I didn't raise you
to be a cheerleader!
Ma!
Baby, baby.
Come on, ma.
No hickies please.
No hickies, no
hickies before I go.
Now, Glenn,
remember when
you're away at camp,
don't ever touch yourself
or you'll go blind.
Son, son!
Son, son!
Good luck at camp, son.
Want to buy a pencil?
Okay, pop,
but only if you do
your Ray Charles.
Oh.
You know, son.
Your mother and I are
very proud of you.
We have very high
hopes for your future
unlike your brother Jimmy,
the black sheep of the family.
Well, I gotta go now.
Bye, son.
Call every weekend.
I Will, pop.
Bye bye.
- Bye bye.
Bye bye.
Bye, Flicker.
Bye, mom.
Bye, ma!
Goodbye, son.
Bye bye.
Bye bye.
Bye bye.
It must be morning!
- And time to meet
the breakfast.
First, from the dairy
wonderland of Wisconsin,
it's eggs presented
by my own son Chip Jr.
And now from the golden
wheatfields of Nebraska,
it's toast presented by
my lovely wife Chip Sr.
- Good morning,
daddy.
- Now, here's the moment
we've all been waiting for.
All the way from
the Sunshine State,
it's juice presented by
Miss Special around here,
my own lovely
daughter, Mandy North!
Mandy's hobbies include sewing,
tap dancing, and
pygmy war rituals.
May I have the envelope please?
Thank you.
And the winner is
Miss Mandy North!
Tell us, Mandy,
how will you use your title
to help end the
world's hunger problem?
- Well, I think that
all hungry people
should brush their teeth.
You know, I brush my
teeth up to 10 times a day
and it always seems that
right after I brush,
someone offers me some food.
So if they brush their teeth,
someone will offer
them food too.
Oh, good answer, Mandy.
I wish we had time
to chat with Mandy
about Russian Chinese d'etat,
but Mandy must run,
brush her teeth, floss,
and go to cheerleader's camp.
We'll be right back after this
message about hemorrhoids.
- Ooh!
- Yeah.
- So, how are things out
at the airport, Pete?
Oh, didn't you hear, Joe?
I quit being the windsock.
- Well, why are you
still wearing the hat?
What hat?
- Which way to the
cheerleader camp?
Can you just tell me
where the camp is?
They opened that up again?
Haven't they had enough
trouble out there already?
- Just tell me where
the camp is, all right?
- About 10 miles right
outside of town, girly, but-
You better be careful though.
There's been some strange
goings on out there.
Can I give you a ride?
- Well, what kinda
car do you drive?
'63 Plymouth.
Forget it.
I don't ride in anything
early than a '78.
I'll find my own way.
Need a lift?
Are you kidding?
You have a dent in your hood
and your shirt is three
years out of style.
Hit the road.
I want three references
and no relatives.
I want three references
and no relatives.
Three references
and no relatives.
- So, when are you
gonna pork Sandy?
Eh, come on, Andy.
I happen to be in
love with Sandy.
Don't say pork.
Say screw or hump!
How can you love Sandy?
I mean, she's from
our biggest rival,
South Jefferson High.
Andy, Andy, Andy-
Love knows no school rivalry,
just tender emotion
and intimacy.
She has said things to me
that no other woman
has ever said before.
Like what?
- Like get down on all
fours and bark like a dog.
Woohoo, aye, aye, aye!
- This is just between
you and me, buddy.
Wow.
You know, if anyone found out
that you were dating the head
cheerleader from South Jeff-
- I'd get kicked off
the squad for sure.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I'm Miss Hoosier.
- Hey!
- Hey!
- Hey.
- Hey.
Bye!
Thanks for the ride.
I'll see you at
the end of summer.
- You didn't buy a round
trip ticket, did ya?
Yes, I did.
- We're here!
- Wakka-wakka!
Hey, where are all the chicks?
Hey, good lookin'.
Love those eyes.
Say, what's the big idea?
I saw her first!
Leave one for me!
Sorry, Andy.
Hi, toad face.
Pardon my friend's rudeness.
That's all right.
My name's Candy Jefferson.
I'm Andy Jackson.
Andy Jackson?
Hey, I read about you
in the Pom Pom Press.
You were Mr. Megaphone of 1980.
That was me.
- Sure looks like you two
are really hitting it off.
Ow, Andy!
Hi everyone.
I thought you'd never get here.
Thanks for the ride.
You forgot your candy.
- Nancy may do it for
jelly beans but I don't.
There she is.
So in love.
Know exactly what
I'm gonna say to her.
The nerve of some people.
Hello, bitch.
Cram it, clown.
- Hi, Sandy.
- Wimp.
She loves me.
Wow.
Attention!
Line up!
- B shacka
lacka, B shacka lacka, B!
About face!
Welcome to this year's
cheerleader clinic.
I'll be your instructor
for the summer.
My name is Bambi.
Hi, Bambi!
Now, I see you've already met,
so let's sound off, roll call.
Roll call.
- Mandy.
- Sandy.
- Candy.
- Randy.
Andy-
Glenn.
Huh?
Glenn Dandy.
Oh!
Hey, Bob.
Hey, Bob, what's the matter?
Ah, Bob.
Homesick for Canada, eh, bob?
Hey, don't be down.
Your mom and dad, they send
you a little snow every week.
You got a letter today.
Ta da.
To mom and dad, eh?
Now, come on, cheer up, Bob.
Driddle.
Driddle.
Driddle, change your name.
It's now Johnson, sir.
Johnson?
Johnson!
I do everything around here,
the cooking, the cleaning.
What does Bob do?
The washing and the ironing.
Big deal.
- Get the warden on
the phone for me,
will you, please?
Now, it's phone calls too?
What's the matter with him?
Break a hoof or something, Bob?!
- I'm Julia Child and I'm going
to have a very important-
Warden June's office.
- This is Sergeant-
- Oh, just a minute.
It's for you, Warden June.
- Oh, thank you.
- You're welcome.
Hello?
Hello, Warden.
- Oh, I'm so glad
you called, Cooper.
- I'm calling about the
trouble you had last night.
I heard a convict escaped.
Yes, it was terrible.
Jarrett killed Gilbert,
one of our guards,
and made his escape
with some power tools.
Jarrett?
Is Jarrett the man
who murdered his entire
family with a hand drill?
That's right,
then varnished them and made
a lovely set of bookshelves.
Despicable.
Yes, but very talented.
- Warden, the reason
I'm calling is,
the reason I'm calling is that
the cheerleading camp,
the cheerleading camp is
starting today at the campus.
I want to be extra careful
that there's no trouble
again this year.
Oh, you're so right.
Hm?
Oh, I have to hang up now.
They're going to gag me.
Keep in touch.
Ciao.
Okay, choice of one.
Oh, thank you.
I'll take red.
Smart girl.
Johnson?
Yes, sir.
- Johnson, Bob and I are going
out to check on the asylum.
We'll meet you
later at the morgue.
Why can't I go to the asylum?
- You can't have your
cake and eat it too.
We're having cake?
- Yep, this is gonna be
a great summer, Andy.
Just you, and me,
and three gorgeous cheerleaders.
What about Glenn?
Don't worry about him.
He's probably in the
bathroom shaving his palms.
What if I don't score?
- Andy, Andy, Andy,
come on, buddy.
I've got it all figured out.
Just take two of these.
Oh, wow.
Instruction manuals.
Aye, aye, aye-
Enchilada.
Hi.
Hello.
How about these outfits, huh?
Pretty sharp.
Wow!
Field & Stream!
- Easy, Bob, easy,
bob, easy, Bob.
- How many times
have I told you?
You're not a chicken.
You're not a chicken!
You're a cat.
Now, go in there and
get rid of those mice.
- Doctor, is the man who
escaped last night dangerous?
- Fletcher?
- Yes.
Dangerous?
Oh yes, he's dangerous.
Fletcher is the
personification of all evil.
He's well over 7 feet tall,
has the strength of 1 O men,
but he has a tiny little peepee.
Doctor,
what kind of treatment have
you used with this man?
- Oh, only the most intense
treatment known to man,
shock treatment.
Your car's been stolen.
Your mother's dead.
Here's your bill.
- Well, hello
there, good lookin'.
Wow, Catherine the
Great was right.
You're hung like a human.
Hop in.
I am Fletcher.
- I'm Jarrett.
Where are you going?
The college.
Me too.
Where you from?
Prison.
Really?
I'm from the asylum.
No kidding.
Maybe we oughta form a club.
Yeah.
You know, my dad has this
old barn that we could use,
and it needs some curtains.
You make curtains?
- I
don't do curtains.
B shacka lacka,
B shacka lacka lacka,
B shacka lacka lacka,
B shacka lacka lacka,
B shacka lacka lacka,
B shacka lacka lacka,
B shacka lacka lacka,
B shacka lacka lacka,
B shacka lacka lacka!
B shacka lacka, B shacka lacka,
B shacka lacka, B shacka lacka,
B shacka lacka, B shacka lacka.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Your name is Glenn, right?
Yeah, Glenn, right.
That's a nice name, Glenn.
Thanks.
Wait, you're...
Wait, don't tell me.
Is it Candy?
No.
IS it Phil?
No.
Guess again.
Is it Mandy?
Right!
- Let me guess what
school you're from!
My name is Bambi.
Would you like to
cheer this well?
I can teach anyone.
You can all be real swell.
Okay, people.
Let's start things off
with some exercises.
With me, ready, begin.
And one, and two, and three,
and one, and two-
- Here we are, the
famous gymnasium
where exploding pom poms
once claimed the lives of
five cheerleaders in 1969.
What you're about to see
is a most extinct
breed around here.
Living cheerleaders.
Don't forget for a
limited time only,
mama is selling souvenirs.
If you act now-
Ignore them!
Jumping jacks, follow me!
One, two, one-
- Take your pictures now
of the doomed cheerleaders.
This might be your last chance-
Cut it out, cut it out!
- Cut
it out, cut it out!
Don't follow me!
Don't follow me!
Don't follow me!
Don't, don't follow!
Now, we are headed
for my favorite
part of the tour,
the locker room.
No, sit down!
- You will be able
to purchase sundries
and well, morphine if you like,
as well as plastic
replicas of Rodin,
favorite paintings
of myself and mama,
and for the ladies,
bronze reproductions of
Blue Grange's jockstrap.
Is it true what Pepe said?
- Oh, you mean the dead
cheerleader stories?
Yeah.
That was nothing.
That was just a stupid legend,
a silly myth
that's been circulated in
these parts for many years
and strongly believed
to be true by thousands.
Let me rephrase that.
- Yeah.
- Rephrase it.
- Sure, there's been a few
mishaps in the past two years,
but I assure you,
there is no danger.
All right, everyone.
Let's take a break.
I'll be back in a few minutes.
Phew, I need a Valium.
- Bye, Miss Bambi.
- Yeah.
I don't know about Bambi.
- Why not?
- I think she's just tired.
It's a lot of hard work
putting this camp together.
Tired?
I think she's a schizo.
- The brochure doesn't
say she's a schizo.
Why would she lie to us?
- Because if we knew
about the killings,
we wouldn't have come.
I would have!
- I can't find anything
about the killings.
I just hope they didn't lie
about the cafeteria's
world renowned French chef.
14, 13, Six.
Ah, here it is, gentlemen,
the number you
wanted, number five.
William Gilbert,
DOA this morning.
Prison guard killed in
last night's breakout.
Poor devil.
It's Jarrett's work all right.
Must have been hard to embalm.
Did you use formaldehyde?
No, furniture polish.
- This Jarrett's a
psycho, a sickie.
We traced his tracks directly
to the college campus.
It could be him, sir.
The warden said Jarrett
would kill anybody,
even cheerleaders.
Johnson,
I've been trying to track down
the cheerleader killer
now for 20 years.
20 years, Johnson.
And as you know,
I always get my man.
Eyes up front!
Time for mascot class
and here's our own
Andy and Randy.
What a
realistic costume.
Even smells like
an actual horse.
Very good, boys?
Excuse me, ma'am.
I am Sergeant Reginald Cooper
of the Royal Canada Minadeys.
- Oh, Sergeant, I'm
sorry, I didn't see you.
I'm Bambi.
How nice to meet you, ma'am.
How is Thumper doing?
This is my partner Bob.
Nice to meet you, Bob.
- We thought we'd stop
out here and check you out
and make sure you're all safe.
Hey, Bob?
Aw, we're all fine, Sergeant.
These are my cheerleaders.
Randy, Andy, Mandy,
Candy, Sandy, and Glenn.
Candy.
Be right back, Bob.
What goes on?
♪ When I'm calling you
♪ I will answer too
♪ Then I will know
♪ Our love will come true
♪ You belong to me
♪ I belong to you
You were marvelous.
Thanks.
Cute.
Yay!
And now, the girls!
Candy.
Yay!
Sandy!
Yay!
And Mandy!
Ow, that hurts.
Oh.
Okay, kids.
Let's let Mandy rest a bit.
Now dear, if you
need me for anything,
don't hesitate to call.
Okay.
- Does that mean
practice is over?
- Well, you have
worked hard today.
Sure, go ahead, people.
Enjoy yourselves.
Yay!
- Now remember,
curfew is at 10:00.
Lights out at 10:30.
Lights back on at 11:00.
Go to the bathroom.
And lights back out at 11:30.
Yay!
Bye!
How's the ankle?
Okay, I guess.
- I'm really sorry about
what happened, Mandy.
I'm such a,
such a jerk.
No, you're not a jerk.
- I'm gonna make it
up to you, Mandy.
I promise.
I'm gonna practice all
night long just for you,
cheering for the thousands
of injured cheerleaders
everywhere,
thousands of pretty
blond cheerleaders
with short skirts,
and tight sweaters,
shaking their pom poms
with their shapely legs
and doing the splits and-
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
I have to go now.
Have a nice day.
He's right.
He is a jerk.
I'm having so much fun.
- You're really
enjoying the camp, huh?
- No, I've never been in a
car with three people before.
Not now.
You have a headache.
- Hey, let's get
something to eat.
- Yeah!
- Yeah.
But where?
There!
Hey, let's eat.
- I'll have this,
I'll have this.
- Could I have the three
stooges pie, please?
Thank you.
My name's Crystal.
And I'm China.
- And we're
you're waitresses.
Want to see a menu?
Yeah, sure.
Okay, what do you want?
Listen, here at The House Of
Bad Pies, we got everything.
What's bad today?
- Well, the meatloaf
looks pretty bad.
- But I recommend
the roast chicken.
It's horrible.
- Do you have anything
that's real bad?
There's Tuesday's special.
What's so bad about that?
Today's Thursday.
What's today's special?
All you can eat for a dollar.
I'll have that.
- Okay, that's all you
can eat for a dollar.
- What comes with
the roast beef?
- Homemade mashed
potatoes with gravy.
A hot roll.
- Two garden fresh
vegetables steamed to perfection.
And an oven fresh pastry.
Mm, that sounds delicious.
I'll have that.
One piece of shit.
And now, Glenn Dandy,
champion cheerleader
of the world,
will attempt a death defying
flip for the woman he loves,
the cream in his coffee,
the love of his loins who
doesn't even know he exists!
Mandy, Mandy,
Mandy, Mandy North!
Mandy!
Mandy.
Mandy!
- Welcome to Air
Tokyo, Flight 45.
We hope that you
enjoy your flight.
Right now, Stewardess Godzilla
is serving your
favorite beverages.
Wake up!
- For
only one dollar.
Stewardess, my coffee is cold!
Hey!
Pull over!
Hey!
Oh no!
Pull over!
Oh no!
♪ Dum, dum, de, Gum, Gum, dum
One beautiful day,
Mr. Shiny Tooth was
walking down the lane
when all of a sudden,
he met Mr. Tooth Decay.
Hello, Mr. Shiny Tooth.
Hi, Mr. Tooth Decay.
What are you doing today?
Trying to avoid you.
Well, it's not going to work.
Aw, poor Mr. Decay.
Beaten again by Mr. Shiny Tooth.
Get over here, you rotten thing.
Mr. Decay, you're
not being very nice
and to punish you,
I'm going to brush all
my teeth extra hard
and I'm gonna make you watch.
Where are you, Mr. Decay?
Now, I know you're
in here, Mr. Decay.
I gotcha.
Too bad, I'll have
to brush without you.
Mm!
I hope you're
watching, Mr. Decay,
'cause I'm going to
brush extra hard.
Mm!
Get more of this.
Ooh.
Ow, ow, ow, ow.
Ow, ow, ow, ow!
Close the door, Bob!
What, were you
brought up in a barn?
- Bob, thanks for
bringing the cleaning by.
Hang it up over there,
would you please?
Why are you always
picking on Bob?
- You treat Bob like
he's smarter than me.
Now, that's nonsense, Johnson!
You're very bright,
you're very bright.
That's why we've been
together so long.
Hey, how many years
has it been now?
Let's get back to work, okay?
Bob,
let's get to the filing, typing.
Oh, check those mugshots, eh?
Put them to the computer.
- So Sarge, when do you think
the killer will strike next?
It's hard to say, Johnson,
it's hard to say.
Not really, try it.
When do you think the
killer will strike next?
Tonight!
I know it.
I know it's gonna be tonight.
Johnson, go fix some coffee.
Sergeant Reginald Coop
with the Royal Canaded
Mounted Madets.
Cooper, this is Warden June.
I called to tell you
that Jarrett has been
seen near Lover's Lane.
- Just the break we've
been waiting for.
Warden June, meet me out at
Lover's Lane in 20 minutes.
Cooper, I am a married woman!
Sorry, I forgot.
Ta ta.
Johnson?
- Sergeant.
Let's go to Lover's Lane.
No way.
I heard you invite
Warden June already.
All right, all right, we'll
go look for the killer.
Here's your coffee, Bob.
- Okay, Warden, into
the gas chamber.
- Oh no!
- Yeah.
- Oh no, not for me.
- Step right in.
Good luck!
- You don't need to-
- Here we go, Warden.
- Bye, Warden!
- Good luck!
I want to live!
This is my first party.
Anybody seen Glenn or Mandy?
- Nuh-uh.
- Nuh-uh.
Nope.
Where do you think they are?
Didn't you see the way
they were looking at each
other during practice?
They're off somewhere.
They're doing hand shadows?
No.
Hey Sandy, want some candy?
Some candy'd be dandy.
Hey Candy, want some candy?
No candy for me, Randy.
Oh come on, Candy.
Have some candy.
I said no candy, Andy.
Okay, Candy.
I'll have some candy, Randy.
Okay, Andy.
I'll give you Candy's candy.
Can I also have Mandy's candy?
No, Randy,
don't give Andy Mandy's candy,
give him the candy that's handy.
All right, Sandy.
So Andy, what's
your favorite candy?
Mints.
- Okay, clear the table.
- Mm-hmm.
Five card stud, nothing wild.
What's the rules?
Well, Candy,
for every game you lose,
you have to give up one
article of clothing.
It's called strip poker.
Wow.
Okay, ante up.
Shoes first.
Bob, wait in the car.
Don't play the radio either.
- You can play it
if you want, Bob.
It's Dr. Fuller.
Dr. Fuller?
Is Jarrett in there?
Jarrett?
I'm looking for my
patient Fletcher.
Who's Jarrett?
Jarrett is an escaped convict
who killed his entire
family with a hand drill
and then turned them
into bookshelves.
Yes, yes, very talented.
I have one of his
victims in my den.
Despicable.
What's that?!
Oh my god.
Hey Sarge, this is Trixie,
the waitress at
the Kit Kat Club.
You're right, Johnson.
I recognize those legs anywhere.
She was a fine woman.
Johnson!
What were you doing?
What were you-
- I was trying to
get in her drawers!
That's disgusting.
What was it like?
Nevermind.
Jarrett's here,
that psycho, freako, sickie.
Jarrett's here somewhere.
Dr. Fuller.
Dr. Fuller?
Dr. Fuller?
Dr. Fuller?
- Dr. Fuller?
- Dr. Fuller?
- Okay, Fletcher,
it's curtains for you.
I don't want to be curtains!
Shut up, you mug!
I'm turning you into a loveseat!
- I don't want people
sitting on my face!
I...
Well, maybe a loveseat
would be nice.
Hold it, Jarrett!
Drop that, you're under arrest!
- You ain't taking me
back to the big house.
I'm gonna do you in right now!
Don't just do him in.
Turn him into an EZ
chair and an ottoman.
What are you doing here?
We're partners.
We're in this together.
Shame, Dr. Fuller.
I'm taking you in
for the killing of
innocent cheerleaders.
I always get my man.
We don't kill no cheerleaders.
You're gonna get life.
Shut up.
Do you know what it's like
trying to scrape
out a meager living
from just running an asylum?
Furniture, that's where
the major dough is.
Every doctor's
office has furniture,
but not every
doctor has patients.
Now with my way,
every doctor will have
furniture and patients in one!
Dead?
No, Johnson.
Just well done.
Ow!
- My cookies, my
cookies, my cookies!
Cookies!
Cookies!
I'll raise you this.
I'll raise you this
and this.
I fold.
Two rich for my blood.
What do you have?
I have a full house.
Looks like I'm the big winner.
Sort of.
It's getting late.
Think I'll turn in.
- Night.
- Good night.
Good night.
Ow, hum!
Guess I'm tired too.
- Good bye!
- Bye.
- Thanks for comin'!
- Bye, bye.
Let's go to my room.
No.
Bambi'll catch us.
Where are we gonna do it, hun?
The basement.
We can't go the basement.
We can get into
a lot of trouble.
- We do it in the basement
or we don't do it at all.
Where are the stairs?
- You are frightened
of the night?
Bologna.
You are frightened of bologna?
Who is that broad?
- Maybe we should
slip into something
a little more comfortable.
Yeah, yeah.
Wow.
Hey, how do you do that?
I don't know.
It all started when
I went on the pill.
Wait a minute.
What was that?
It's nothing, come on.
What?
What's the matter, hun?
These aren't designer sheets.
It'll be okay, really.
Trust me.
Look, there's a picture
of Neiman Marcus.
Oh, oh, that's better.
Oh, that's better.
- A whole store of designer
sheets and pillow cases.
- Ooh, and flat sheets,
and contour sheets.
Yes, bedspreads.
I heard it again.
Forget about it.
It could be Bambi, hun.
- I don't believe you.
- What?
- I dragged you all
the way down here,
I finally decided to
let you seduce me,
I allow you to have my body,
and you want to go off
chasing after noises.
- I'm just looking
after you, hun.
I'll be right back.
- You promise?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- I'll miss you.
- Do you want me
to come with you?
Sure, if we time it right.
Andy?
Bambi?
Randy?
- I think you should go
before Bambi catches us.
Okay, see you tomorrow,
but I'll see you
tonight in my dreams.
The smell of jasmine
in your hair,
your long silken lips,
your ruby red eyes, your-
I finally had sex!
And I liked it
sort of.
Only, I feel like there
was something missing.
♪ When I'm calling you
Like Reginald Cooper.
Randy, I'm glad you're up.
Randy, I'm in love.
It was great.
Randy, we did it.
She even touched it!
Randy?
Oh, Randy, come on,
now take off the horse's head.
- And then the
big bad wolf said,
"I want to eat you little girl,
"and I'll huff, and
I'll puff, and I'll-"
Sandy, where you been?
It's past curfew.
Hello?!
Hello!
Whoa, no heartbeat.
I better call Sergeant
Reginald Cooper.
It's dead!
Help, anybody!
Mandy, are you there?
Bambi, where's Bambi?!
Bambi?
Oh no, what a mess!
I hate chocolate chip cookies.
- Johnson, could you give
Bob some potatoes please?
Thank you, Johnson.
You know, Johnson,
even though Jarrett, Fletcher,
and Dr. Fuller are
out of the way,
I still have no idea but who
the cheerleader killer is.
- Yeah, they're out
of the way all right.
There's still a maniac
killer out there somewhere.
He could be at the
college campus right now
and we're just
sitting here eating.
Johnson, you're right.
Those kids could be in trouble.
I think Bob and I are gonna
go down to the campus,
check 'em out.
Heel, Bob.
Swell, just eat and run!
What am I supposed to do
with all this leftover
stew and potatoes?!
I'm gonna have to freeze it!
You like leftovers
but His Highness,
no, he can't eat leftovers!
Johnson!
Would you get off Bob's back?!
Help!
Help!
Who are you?
What do you want?
- You've
got to be joking.
Don't you read the sport pages,
listen to the radio?
I'm Blue Grange, the
all-American fullback!
Nobody ever knew the
real Blue Grange.
Nobody knows that deep down
inside this football machine
lives a cheerleader.
Yeah, a cheerleader
yellin' to get out!
If I can't be a cheerleader,
nobody
can be a cheerleader.
Blue, is that my good knife?
You're gonna hurt yourself
like you do playing football.
Why couldn't you be
a nice cheerleader?
Beat it, you old hag.
You're no good for Blue.
- Don't you call me an
old hag, you old goat.
Goat, eh?
Why, you-
Blue, she's getting away!
Ladies and gentlemen,
galloping Blue Grange
has got the ball!
Go, Blue, go!
Go, Blue, go!
Go, Blue, go!
- Blue,
Blue, all the way!
Blue, Blue, all the way!
Blue will go for a touchdown!
And the opposing team
is right behind him!
Ladies and gentlemen,
look at this show!
His cleats are tearing
up the
flyin' down the field!
He's on the 50!
He's on the 40!
He's on the 30!
He's on the 20!
He's on the 10!
Oops.
Candy, Candy, my darling!
I'll save you!
Candy, I love you!
I love you, Candy!
♪ When I'm calling you
♪ I will answer too
Andy!
Candy!
I'm gonna sleep with truck
drivers and get crabs
and I'm gonna finally
get to use my diaphragm!
Sandy!
Nancy may do it for
jelly beans, but I don't.
Mandy!
I hope you're
watching, Mr. Decay.
Randy.
Here's a picture
of Neiman Marcus.
Oh.
Glenn!
Glenn Dandy!
Pull over!
Hurry!
Pull over!
♪ Blue, Blue, all the way!
- Oh
golly, look at him go!
A truly sensational pass,
ladies and gentlemen!
Blue Grange has
broken seven tackles!
He's at 10, the five!
Touchdown!
The 1963 National Championship!
Oh, Blue, darling.
You'd probably love me if I
was a nice Midwestern girl
without this Brooklyn accent,
but oh, I'll try
hard to be a WASP.
I'll...
I'll bathe in milk, eat white
bread without the crust,
and name our children
Kent, Steve, and Mary Anne.
♪ Hey, hey, what do you say?
♪ Blue, Blue all the way!
Look how dirty you get-
- Blue, are the rumors
of you going pro true?
Of course he's going pro.
He's the best.
No, he's not.
He'd get hurt.
He's not gonna go
near another football!
- Oh yeah, he's
getting a football.
- Put that down,
you'll get hurt!
Blue, smile.
It's for the cover of
Sports Illustrated.
I'm his mother.
Uh-oh.
- Girls, you know
that halftime salute
to vegetables worked great.
- Thanks.
- Thanks.
- Hey, what do you say we
all go to the malt shop?
The football players
will be there.
Sounds fun!
Can I come too?
Forget it, Bambi!
Cheerleaders only,
so get outta here!
You know, beat it.
- All right, stand back,
stand back, police.
Bring that stretcher
over here, bring it over.
- I don't know who could have
possibly done such a thing.
- It's supposed to be
the act of a maniac.
- Either that or
a very large chef.
Ha!
Oh, you scared me.
Are you Pepe?
No, I am Pepe.
I haven't been peppy since
they removed my prostate gland.
May I clean inside
of your megaphone?
No, no thank you.
I was told to ask for
Pepe, the maintenance man.
That is I, that is I.
My name is Bambi.
Bambi like the deer.
Like the little deer.
- Only thee that
is pure at heart
and says his prayers at night
may become a cheery leader
when the pom poms bloom and
the Autumn moon is bright.
That's my Ma Ma.
- Oh, you must be
Salt, Pepe's mother.
So, you're the one starting
the cheerleading camp again, eh?
That's right.
Excuse me for saying this,
but you must be very stupid
because the cheerleading
camp has been ruined by death
since 1963 when those cheerleaders
were skewered to death
and then in '69 when
their feet were-
You mustn't stay here.
- I know every cheerleading
camp here has ended in death,
but I've put all my life
savings into this camp
as well as my time, energy,
and all-American
cheerleading spirit!
I'm gonna make this
camp a success.
Sure, I was turned down to
be a cheerleader in '63,
but I was good, I was the best,
but they had their
own little cliques
and only their
friends could join.
So I had to transfer
over to Embraceable U
where I was captain
for four years.
But now, I'll show them.
They'll see what I can do.
And I don't want you
scaring my cheerleaders away
with those stories!
- Can't we tell them the
one about the mass murderer
who escaped from the prison?
No.
- Can we tell them
about the psychopath
who escaped from asylum?
No.
- What about the
waitress and the donkey?
Well, only if they're good.
- Bus now
leaving for Akashabee,
Indiana, Denver, and Honolulu.
Stop, child.
Whoa.
Do you know the Lord loves you?
Do you know that he's
with you constantly
and he has told me personally
that he doesn't want you
to sin unless he can watch?
Don't be tempted, child.
Don't get on that bus.
Mama.
- You mustn't go to that
evil camp with those,
those cheerleaders.
Everyone will see
your dirty pillows.
- Those aren't
dirty pillows, mama.
They're breasts.
Not those.
Those are titties.
Those are dirty pillows.
- Those aren't my
dirty pillows, mama.
They're his dirty pillows!
- They're not dirty
pillows, they're breasts.
Butt out.
Satan, Satan is within my child.
Cast him out so she won't
be led into temptation.
Mama, stop!
Mama, I've never been
away from home before.
I never kissed a boy,
never went out on
a date, nothing.
I just want to be a normal girl.
I'm going to that
cheerleading camp
and I'm gonna be
like everybody else.
I'm gonna make friends.
I'm gonna have fun.
I'm gonna wear makeup,
I'm gonna go out with boys,
I'm gonna sleep with truck
drivers and get crabs,
and I'm gonna finally
get to use my diaphragm!
- I didn't raise you
to be a cheerleader!
Ma!
Baby, baby.
Come on, ma.
No hickies please.
No hickies, no
hickies before I go.
Now, Glenn,
remember when
you're away at camp,
don't ever touch yourself
or you'll go blind.
Son, son!
Son, son!
Good luck at camp, son.
Want to buy a pencil?
Okay, pop,
but only if you do
your Ray Charles.
Oh.
You know, son.
Your mother and I are
very proud of you.
We have very high
hopes for your future
unlike your brother Jimmy,
the black sheep of the family.
Well, I gotta go now.
Bye, son.
Call every weekend.
I Will, pop.
Bye bye.
- Bye bye.
Bye bye.
Bye, Flicker.
Bye, mom.
Bye, ma!
Goodbye, son.
Bye bye.
Bye bye.
Bye bye.
It must be morning!
- And time to meet
the breakfast.
First, from the dairy
wonderland of Wisconsin,
it's eggs presented
by my own son Chip Jr.
And now from the golden
wheatfields of Nebraska,
it's toast presented by
my lovely wife Chip Sr.
- Good morning,
daddy.
- Now, here's the moment
we've all been waiting for.
All the way from
the Sunshine State,
it's juice presented by
Miss Special around here,
my own lovely
daughter, Mandy North!
Mandy's hobbies include sewing,
tap dancing, and
pygmy war rituals.
May I have the envelope please?
Thank you.
And the winner is
Miss Mandy North!
Tell us, Mandy,
how will you use your title
to help end the
world's hunger problem?
- Well, I think that
all hungry people
should brush their teeth.
You know, I brush my
teeth up to 10 times a day
and it always seems that
right after I brush,
someone offers me some food.
So if they brush their teeth,
someone will offer
them food too.
Oh, good answer, Mandy.
I wish we had time
to chat with Mandy
about Russian Chinese d'etat,
but Mandy must run,
brush her teeth, floss,
and go to cheerleader's camp.
We'll be right back after this
message about hemorrhoids.
- Ooh!
- Yeah.
- So, how are things out
at the airport, Pete?
Oh, didn't you hear, Joe?
I quit being the windsock.
- Well, why are you
still wearing the hat?
What hat?
- Which way to the
cheerleader camp?
Can you just tell me
where the camp is?
They opened that up again?
Haven't they had enough
trouble out there already?
- Just tell me where
the camp is, all right?
- About 10 miles right
outside of town, girly, but-
You better be careful though.
There's been some strange
goings on out there.
Can I give you a ride?
- Well, what kinda
car do you drive?
'63 Plymouth.
Forget it.
I don't ride in anything
early than a '78.
I'll find my own way.
Need a lift?
Are you kidding?
You have a dent in your hood
and your shirt is three
years out of style.
Hit the road.
I want three references
and no relatives.
I want three references
and no relatives.
Three references
and no relatives.
- So, when are you
gonna pork Sandy?
Eh, come on, Andy.
I happen to be in
love with Sandy.
Don't say pork.
Say screw or hump!
How can you love Sandy?
I mean, she's from
our biggest rival,
South Jefferson High.
Andy, Andy, Andy-
Love knows no school rivalry,
just tender emotion
and intimacy.
She has said things to me
that no other woman
has ever said before.
Like what?
- Like get down on all
fours and bark like a dog.
Woohoo, aye, aye, aye!
- This is just between
you and me, buddy.
Wow.
You know, if anyone found out
that you were dating the head
cheerleader from South Jeff-
- I'd get kicked off
the squad for sure.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I'm Miss Hoosier.
- Hey!
- Hey!
- Hey.
- Hey.
Bye!
Thanks for the ride.
I'll see you at
the end of summer.
- You didn't buy a round
trip ticket, did ya?
Yes, I did.
- We're here!
- Wakka-wakka!
Hey, where are all the chicks?
Hey, good lookin'.
Love those eyes.
Say, what's the big idea?
I saw her first!
Leave one for me!
Sorry, Andy.
Hi, toad face.
Pardon my friend's rudeness.
That's all right.
My name's Candy Jefferson.
I'm Andy Jackson.
Andy Jackson?
Hey, I read about you
in the Pom Pom Press.
You were Mr. Megaphone of 1980.
That was me.
- Sure looks like you two
are really hitting it off.
Ow, Andy!
Hi everyone.
I thought you'd never get here.
Thanks for the ride.
You forgot your candy.
- Nancy may do it for
jelly beans but I don't.
There she is.
So in love.
Know exactly what
I'm gonna say to her.
The nerve of some people.
Hello, bitch.
Cram it, clown.
- Hi, Sandy.
- Wimp.
She loves me.
Wow.
Attention!
Line up!
- B shacka
lacka, B shacka lacka, B!
About face!
Welcome to this year's
cheerleader clinic.
I'll be your instructor
for the summer.
My name is Bambi.
Hi, Bambi!
Now, I see you've already met,
so let's sound off, roll call.
Roll call.
- Mandy.
- Sandy.
- Candy.
- Randy.
Andy-
Glenn.
Huh?
Glenn Dandy.
Oh!
Hey, Bob.
Hey, Bob, what's the matter?
Ah, Bob.
Homesick for Canada, eh, bob?
Hey, don't be down.
Your mom and dad, they send
you a little snow every week.
You got a letter today.
Ta da.
To mom and dad, eh?
Now, come on, cheer up, Bob.
Driddle.
Driddle.
Driddle, change your name.
It's now Johnson, sir.
Johnson?
Johnson!
I do everything around here,
the cooking, the cleaning.
What does Bob do?
The washing and the ironing.
Big deal.
- Get the warden on
the phone for me,
will you, please?
Now, it's phone calls too?
What's the matter with him?
Break a hoof or something, Bob?!
- I'm Julia Child and I'm going
to have a very important-
Warden June's office.
- This is Sergeant-
- Oh, just a minute.
It's for you, Warden June.
- Oh, thank you.
- You're welcome.
Hello?
Hello, Warden.
- Oh, I'm so glad
you called, Cooper.
- I'm calling about the
trouble you had last night.
I heard a convict escaped.
Yes, it was terrible.
Jarrett killed Gilbert,
one of our guards,
and made his escape
with some power tools.
Jarrett?
Is Jarrett the man
who murdered his entire
family with a hand drill?
That's right,
then varnished them and made
a lovely set of bookshelves.
Despicable.
Yes, but very talented.
- Warden, the reason
I'm calling is,
the reason I'm calling is that
the cheerleading camp,
the cheerleading camp is
starting today at the campus.
I want to be extra careful
that there's no trouble
again this year.
Oh, you're so right.
Hm?
Oh, I have to hang up now.
They're going to gag me.
Keep in touch.
Ciao.
Okay, choice of one.
Oh, thank you.
I'll take red.
Smart girl.
Johnson?
Yes, sir.
- Johnson, Bob and I are going
out to check on the asylum.
We'll meet you
later at the morgue.
Why can't I go to the asylum?
- You can't have your
cake and eat it too.
We're having cake?
- Yep, this is gonna be
a great summer, Andy.
Just you, and me,
and three gorgeous cheerleaders.
What about Glenn?
Don't worry about him.
He's probably in the
bathroom shaving his palms.
What if I don't score?
- Andy, Andy, Andy,
come on, buddy.
I've got it all figured out.
Just take two of these.
Oh, wow.
Instruction manuals.
Aye, aye, aye-
Enchilada.
Hi.
Hello.
How about these outfits, huh?
Pretty sharp.
Wow!
Field & Stream!
- Easy, Bob, easy,
bob, easy, Bob.
- How many times
have I told you?
You're not a chicken.
You're not a chicken!
You're a cat.
Now, go in there and
get rid of those mice.
- Doctor, is the man who
escaped last night dangerous?
- Fletcher?
- Yes.
Dangerous?
Oh yes, he's dangerous.
Fletcher is the
personification of all evil.
He's well over 7 feet tall,
has the strength of 1 O men,
but he has a tiny little peepee.
Doctor,
what kind of treatment have
you used with this man?
- Oh, only the most intense
treatment known to man,
shock treatment.
Your car's been stolen.
Your mother's dead.
Here's your bill.
- Well, hello
there, good lookin'.
Wow, Catherine the
Great was right.
You're hung like a human.
Hop in.
I am Fletcher.
- I'm Jarrett.
Where are you going?
The college.
Me too.
Where you from?
Prison.
Really?
I'm from the asylum.
No kidding.
Maybe we oughta form a club.
Yeah.
You know, my dad has this
old barn that we could use,
and it needs some curtains.
You make curtains?
- I
don't do curtains.
B shacka lacka,
B shacka lacka lacka,
B shacka lacka lacka,
B shacka lacka lacka,
B shacka lacka lacka,
B shacka lacka lacka,
B shacka lacka lacka,
B shacka lacka lacka,
B shacka lacka lacka!
B shacka lacka, B shacka lacka,
B shacka lacka, B shacka lacka,
B shacka lacka, B shacka lacka.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Your name is Glenn, right?
Yeah, Glenn, right.
That's a nice name, Glenn.
Thanks.
Wait, you're...
Wait, don't tell me.
Is it Candy?
No.
IS it Phil?
No.
Guess again.
Is it Mandy?
Right!
- Let me guess what
school you're from!
My name is Bambi.
Would you like to
cheer this well?
I can teach anyone.
You can all be real swell.
Okay, people.
Let's start things off
with some exercises.
With me, ready, begin.
And one, and two, and three,
and one, and two-
- Here we are, the
famous gymnasium
where exploding pom poms
once claimed the lives of
five cheerleaders in 1969.
What you're about to see
is a most extinct
breed around here.
Living cheerleaders.
Don't forget for a
limited time only,
mama is selling souvenirs.
If you act now-
Ignore them!
Jumping jacks, follow me!
One, two, one-
- Take your pictures now
of the doomed cheerleaders.
This might be your last chance-
Cut it out, cut it out!
- Cut
it out, cut it out!
Don't follow me!
Don't follow me!
Don't follow me!
Don't, don't follow!
Now, we are headed
for my favorite
part of the tour,
the locker room.
No, sit down!
- You will be able
to purchase sundries
and well, morphine if you like,
as well as plastic
replicas of Rodin,
favorite paintings
of myself and mama,
and for the ladies,
bronze reproductions of
Blue Grange's jockstrap.
Is it true what Pepe said?
- Oh, you mean the dead
cheerleader stories?
Yeah.
That was nothing.
That was just a stupid legend,
a silly myth
that's been circulated in
these parts for many years
and strongly believed
to be true by thousands.
Let me rephrase that.
- Yeah.
- Rephrase it.
- Sure, there's been a few
mishaps in the past two years,
but I assure you,
there is no danger.
All right, everyone.
Let's take a break.
I'll be back in a few minutes.
Phew, I need a Valium.
- Bye, Miss Bambi.
- Yeah.
I don't know about Bambi.
- Why not?
- I think she's just tired.
It's a lot of hard work
putting this camp together.
Tired?
I think she's a schizo.
- The brochure doesn't
say she's a schizo.
Why would she lie to us?
- Because if we knew
about the killings,
we wouldn't have come.
I would have!
- I can't find anything
about the killings.
I just hope they didn't lie
about the cafeteria's
world renowned French chef.
14, 13, Six.
Ah, here it is, gentlemen,
the number you
wanted, number five.
William Gilbert,
DOA this morning.
Prison guard killed in
last night's breakout.
Poor devil.
It's Jarrett's work all right.
Must have been hard to embalm.
Did you use formaldehyde?
No, furniture polish.
- This Jarrett's a
psycho, a sickie.
We traced his tracks directly
to the college campus.
It could be him, sir.
The warden said Jarrett
would kill anybody,
even cheerleaders.
Johnson,
I've been trying to track down
the cheerleader killer
now for 20 years.
20 years, Johnson.
And as you know,
I always get my man.
Eyes up front!
Time for mascot class
and here's our own
Andy and Randy.
What a
realistic costume.
Even smells like
an actual horse.
Very good, boys?
Excuse me, ma'am.
I am Sergeant Reginald Cooper
of the Royal Canada Minadeys.
- Oh, Sergeant, I'm
sorry, I didn't see you.
I'm Bambi.
How nice to meet you, ma'am.
How is Thumper doing?
This is my partner Bob.
Nice to meet you, Bob.
- We thought we'd stop
out here and check you out
and make sure you're all safe.
Hey, Bob?
Aw, we're all fine, Sergeant.
These are my cheerleaders.
Randy, Andy, Mandy,
Candy, Sandy, and Glenn.
Candy.
Be right back, Bob.
What goes on?
♪ When I'm calling you
♪ I will answer too
♪ Then I will know
♪ Our love will come true
♪ You belong to me
♪ I belong to you
You were marvelous.
Thanks.
Cute.
Yay!
And now, the girls!
Candy.
Yay!
Sandy!
Yay!
And Mandy!
Ow, that hurts.
Oh.
Okay, kids.
Let's let Mandy rest a bit.
Now dear, if you
need me for anything,
don't hesitate to call.
Okay.
- Does that mean
practice is over?
- Well, you have
worked hard today.
Sure, go ahead, people.
Enjoy yourselves.
Yay!
- Now remember,
curfew is at 10:00.
Lights out at 10:30.
Lights back on at 11:00.
Go to the bathroom.
And lights back out at 11:30.
Yay!
Bye!
How's the ankle?
Okay, I guess.
- I'm really sorry about
what happened, Mandy.
I'm such a,
such a jerk.
No, you're not a jerk.
- I'm gonna make it
up to you, Mandy.
I promise.
I'm gonna practice all
night long just for you,
cheering for the thousands
of injured cheerleaders
everywhere,
thousands of pretty
blond cheerleaders
with short skirts,
and tight sweaters,
shaking their pom poms
with their shapely legs
and doing the splits and-
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
I have to go now.
Have a nice day.
He's right.
He is a jerk.
I'm having so much fun.
- You're really
enjoying the camp, huh?
- No, I've never been in a
car with three people before.
Not now.
You have a headache.
- Hey, let's get
something to eat.
- Yeah!
- Yeah.
But where?
There!
Hey, let's eat.
- I'll have this,
I'll have this.
- Could I have the three
stooges pie, please?
Thank you.
My name's Crystal.
And I'm China.
- And we're
you're waitresses.
Want to see a menu?
Yeah, sure.
Okay, what do you want?
Listen, here at The House Of
Bad Pies, we got everything.
What's bad today?
- Well, the meatloaf
looks pretty bad.
- But I recommend
the roast chicken.
It's horrible.
- Do you have anything
that's real bad?
There's Tuesday's special.
What's so bad about that?
Today's Thursday.
What's today's special?
All you can eat for a dollar.
I'll have that.
- Okay, that's all you
can eat for a dollar.
- What comes with
the roast beef?
- Homemade mashed
potatoes with gravy.
A hot roll.
- Two garden fresh
vegetables steamed to perfection.
And an oven fresh pastry.
Mm, that sounds delicious.
I'll have that.
One piece of shit.
And now, Glenn Dandy,
champion cheerleader
of the world,
will attempt a death defying
flip for the woman he loves,
the cream in his coffee,
the love of his loins who
doesn't even know he exists!
Mandy, Mandy,
Mandy, Mandy North!
Mandy!
Mandy.
Mandy!
- Welcome to Air
Tokyo, Flight 45.
We hope that you
enjoy your flight.
Right now, Stewardess Godzilla
is serving your
favorite beverages.
Wake up!
- For
only one dollar.
Stewardess, my coffee is cold!
Hey!
Pull over!
Hey!
Oh no!
Pull over!
Oh no!
♪ Dum, dum, de, Gum, Gum, dum
One beautiful day,
Mr. Shiny Tooth was
walking down the lane
when all of a sudden,
he met Mr. Tooth Decay.
Hello, Mr. Shiny Tooth.
Hi, Mr. Tooth Decay.
What are you doing today?
Trying to avoid you.
Well, it's not going to work.
Aw, poor Mr. Decay.
Beaten again by Mr. Shiny Tooth.
Get over here, you rotten thing.
Mr. Decay, you're
not being very nice
and to punish you,
I'm going to brush all
my teeth extra hard
and I'm gonna make you watch.
Where are you, Mr. Decay?
Now, I know you're
in here, Mr. Decay.
I gotcha.
Too bad, I'll have
to brush without you.
Mm!
I hope you're
watching, Mr. Decay,
'cause I'm going to
brush extra hard.
Mm!
Get more of this.
Ooh.
Ow, ow, ow, ow.
Ow, ow, ow, ow!
Close the door, Bob!
What, were you
brought up in a barn?
- Bob, thanks for
bringing the cleaning by.
Hang it up over there,
would you please?
Why are you always
picking on Bob?
- You treat Bob like
he's smarter than me.
Now, that's nonsense, Johnson!
You're very bright,
you're very bright.
That's why we've been
together so long.
Hey, how many years
has it been now?
Let's get back to work, okay?
Bob,
let's get to the filing, typing.
Oh, check those mugshots, eh?
Put them to the computer.
- So Sarge, when do you think
the killer will strike next?
It's hard to say, Johnson,
it's hard to say.
Not really, try it.
When do you think the
killer will strike next?
Tonight!
I know it.
I know it's gonna be tonight.
Johnson, go fix some coffee.
Sergeant Reginald Coop
with the Royal Canaded
Mounted Madets.
Cooper, this is Warden June.
I called to tell you
that Jarrett has been
seen near Lover's Lane.
- Just the break we've
been waiting for.
Warden June, meet me out at
Lover's Lane in 20 minutes.
Cooper, I am a married woman!
Sorry, I forgot.
Ta ta.
Johnson?
- Sergeant.
Let's go to Lover's Lane.
No way.
I heard you invite
Warden June already.
All right, all right, we'll
go look for the killer.
Here's your coffee, Bob.
- Okay, Warden, into
the gas chamber.
- Oh no!
- Yeah.
- Oh no, not for me.
- Step right in.
Good luck!
- You don't need to-
- Here we go, Warden.
- Bye, Warden!
- Good luck!
I want to live!
This is my first party.
Anybody seen Glenn or Mandy?
- Nuh-uh.
- Nuh-uh.
Nope.
Where do you think they are?
Didn't you see the way
they were looking at each
other during practice?
They're off somewhere.
They're doing hand shadows?
No.
Hey Sandy, want some candy?
Some candy'd be dandy.
Hey Candy, want some candy?
No candy for me, Randy.
Oh come on, Candy.
Have some candy.
I said no candy, Andy.
Okay, Candy.
I'll have some candy, Randy.
Okay, Andy.
I'll give you Candy's candy.
Can I also have Mandy's candy?
No, Randy,
don't give Andy Mandy's candy,
give him the candy that's handy.
All right, Sandy.
So Andy, what's
your favorite candy?
Mints.
- Okay, clear the table.
- Mm-hmm.
Five card stud, nothing wild.
What's the rules?
Well, Candy,
for every game you lose,
you have to give up one
article of clothing.
It's called strip poker.
Wow.
Okay, ante up.
Shoes first.
Bob, wait in the car.
Don't play the radio either.
- You can play it
if you want, Bob.
It's Dr. Fuller.
Dr. Fuller?
Is Jarrett in there?
Jarrett?
I'm looking for my
patient Fletcher.
Who's Jarrett?
Jarrett is an escaped convict
who killed his entire
family with a hand drill
and then turned them
into bookshelves.
Yes, yes, very talented.
I have one of his
victims in my den.
Despicable.
What's that?!
Oh my god.
Hey Sarge, this is Trixie,
the waitress at
the Kit Kat Club.
You're right, Johnson.
I recognize those legs anywhere.
She was a fine woman.
Johnson!
What were you doing?
What were you-
- I was trying to
get in her drawers!
That's disgusting.
What was it like?
Nevermind.
Jarrett's here,
that psycho, freako, sickie.
Jarrett's here somewhere.
Dr. Fuller.
Dr. Fuller?
Dr. Fuller?
Dr. Fuller?
- Dr. Fuller?
- Dr. Fuller?
- Okay, Fletcher,
it's curtains for you.
I don't want to be curtains!
Shut up, you mug!
I'm turning you into a loveseat!
- I don't want people
sitting on my face!
I...
Well, maybe a loveseat
would be nice.
Hold it, Jarrett!
Drop that, you're under arrest!
- You ain't taking me
back to the big house.
I'm gonna do you in right now!
Don't just do him in.
Turn him into an EZ
chair and an ottoman.
What are you doing here?
We're partners.
We're in this together.
Shame, Dr. Fuller.
I'm taking you in
for the killing of
innocent cheerleaders.
I always get my man.
We don't kill no cheerleaders.
You're gonna get life.
Shut up.
Do you know what it's like
trying to scrape
out a meager living
from just running an asylum?
Furniture, that's where
the major dough is.
Every doctor's
office has furniture,
but not every
doctor has patients.
Now with my way,
every doctor will have
furniture and patients in one!
Dead?
No, Johnson.
Just well done.
Ow!
- My cookies, my
cookies, my cookies!
Cookies!
Cookies!
I'll raise you this.
I'll raise you this
and this.
I fold.
Two rich for my blood.
What do you have?
I have a full house.
Looks like I'm the big winner.
Sort of.
It's getting late.
Think I'll turn in.
- Night.
- Good night.
Good night.
Ow, hum!
Guess I'm tired too.
- Good bye!
- Bye.
- Thanks for comin'!
- Bye, bye.
Let's go to my room.
No.
Bambi'll catch us.
Where are we gonna do it, hun?
The basement.
We can't go the basement.
We can get into
a lot of trouble.
- We do it in the basement
or we don't do it at all.
Where are the stairs?
- You are frightened
of the night?
Bologna.
You are frightened of bologna?
Who is that broad?
- Maybe we should
slip into something
a little more comfortable.
Yeah, yeah.
Wow.
Hey, how do you do that?
I don't know.
It all started when
I went on the pill.
Wait a minute.
What was that?
It's nothing, come on.
What?
What's the matter, hun?
These aren't designer sheets.
It'll be okay, really.
Trust me.
Look, there's a picture
of Neiman Marcus.
Oh, oh, that's better.
Oh, that's better.
- A whole store of designer
sheets and pillow cases.
- Ooh, and flat sheets,
and contour sheets.
Yes, bedspreads.
I heard it again.
Forget about it.
It could be Bambi, hun.
- I don't believe you.
- What?
- I dragged you all
the way down here,
I finally decided to
let you seduce me,
I allow you to have my body,
and you want to go off
chasing after noises.
- I'm just looking
after you, hun.
I'll be right back.
- You promise?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- I'll miss you.
- Do you want me
to come with you?
Sure, if we time it right.
Andy?
Bambi?
Randy?
- I think you should go
before Bambi catches us.
Okay, see you tomorrow,
but I'll see you
tonight in my dreams.
The smell of jasmine
in your hair,
your long silken lips,
your ruby red eyes, your-
I finally had sex!
And I liked it
sort of.
Only, I feel like there
was something missing.
♪ When I'm calling you
Like Reginald Cooper.
Randy, I'm glad you're up.
Randy, I'm in love.
It was great.
Randy, we did it.
She even touched it!
Randy?
Oh, Randy, come on,
now take off the horse's head.
- And then the
big bad wolf said,
"I want to eat you little girl,
"and I'll huff, and
I'll puff, and I'll-"
Sandy, where you been?
It's past curfew.
Hello?!
Hello!
Whoa, no heartbeat.
I better call Sergeant
Reginald Cooper.
It's dead!
Help, anybody!
Mandy, are you there?
Bambi, where's Bambi?!
Bambi?
Oh no, what a mess!
I hate chocolate chip cookies.
- Johnson, could you give
Bob some potatoes please?
Thank you, Johnson.
You know, Johnson,
even though Jarrett, Fletcher,
and Dr. Fuller are
out of the way,
I still have no idea but who
the cheerleader killer is.
- Yeah, they're out
of the way all right.
There's still a maniac
killer out there somewhere.
He could be at the
college campus right now
and we're just
sitting here eating.
Johnson, you're right.
Those kids could be in trouble.
I think Bob and I are gonna
go down to the campus,
check 'em out.
Heel, Bob.
Swell, just eat and run!
What am I supposed to do
with all this leftover
stew and potatoes?!
I'm gonna have to freeze it!
You like leftovers
but His Highness,
no, he can't eat leftovers!
Johnson!
Would you get off Bob's back?!
Help!
Help!
Who are you?
What do you want?
- You've
got to be joking.
Don't you read the sport pages,
listen to the radio?
I'm Blue Grange, the
all-American fullback!
Nobody ever knew the
real Blue Grange.
Nobody knows that deep down
inside this football machine
lives a cheerleader.
Yeah, a cheerleader
yellin' to get out!
If I can't be a cheerleader,
nobody
can be a cheerleader.
Blue, is that my good knife?
You're gonna hurt yourself
like you do playing football.
Why couldn't you be
a nice cheerleader?
Beat it, you old hag.
You're no good for Blue.
- Don't you call me an
old hag, you old goat.
Goat, eh?
Why, you-
Blue, she's getting away!
Ladies and gentlemen,
galloping Blue Grange
has got the ball!
Go, Blue, go!
Go, Blue, go!
Go, Blue, go!
- Blue,
Blue, all the way!
Blue, Blue, all the way!
Blue will go for a touchdown!
And the opposing team
is right behind him!
Ladies and gentlemen,
look at this show!
His cleats are tearing
up the
flyin' down the field!
He's on the 50!
He's on the 40!
He's on the 30!
He's on the 20!
He's on the 10!
Oops.
Candy, Candy, my darling!
I'll save you!
Candy, I love you!
I love you, Candy!
♪ When I'm calling you
♪ I will answer too
Andy!
Candy!
I'm gonna sleep with truck
drivers and get crabs
and I'm gonna finally
get to use my diaphragm!
Sandy!
Nancy may do it for
jelly beans, but I don't.
Mandy!
I hope you're
watching, Mr. Decay.
Randy.
Here's a picture
of Neiman Marcus.
Oh.
Glenn!
Glenn Dandy!
Pull over!
Hurry!
Pull over!