Pals and Gals (1954) - full transcript

The stooges go out west for Shemp's health. The boys soon run afoul of a local villain who is forcing pretty Nell to marry him. The bad guy has Nell's sisters locked up, and its up to the stooges to rescue them and save the day.

[♪♪♪]

Well, doc, how about it?

This man has a very bad leg.

You're tellin' me.

The vein in his right leg

is greatly enlarged.

See here:

Midway between the kneecap

and the ankle joint

there's an area

of great congestion.

This vein is the cause

of all your trouble.

I've never seen

a vein like it in my life.

It's enormous.

Well, what's the answer, doc?

I ain't going to lose

my leg am I, doc?

I've had it ever since

I was a little kid.

Oh, of course not.

Just go out West,

couple of months and you'll

be just as good as new.

Oh, thanks, doc.

The leg is as good as new.

It feels great. Hah-hah.

[GROANING]

It's all right, it's all right.

We'll get him West.

[PIANO PLAYING]

Boy, that sawbones

had the right dope.

My leg feels swell.

Good.

What's the matter

with that stuff?

Give me something with

a jolt in it. I'm tough.

Look, we're out West now,

so we've got to be tough.

Don't worry about us,

we'll be tough.

We know what to do.

Okay, boys, get Western.

Shoot you for the drinks.

Right.

[GUNSHOT]

Yeah?

Shoot you for the drink.

Throw.

You throw.

SHEMP:

Hold it.

Okay.

Here's your change.

There we go.

[GROANS]

[GASPING]

What's the matter with you guys?

What are you tryin' to...?

[SPUTTERING]

Hey, easy, easy.

Smoo-ooth as silk.

Those jaspers down there,

who are they?

I don't know, boss.

Nell, come here.

Go find out who those men are.

Doc Barker, I won't do it.

You won't do what?

You're forgettin', gal,

who I got locked up down there.

That's better.

He's all right.

Hello, boys.

What brings you to Coyote Pass?

Well, lady, it's... It's my vein.

NELL:

Your vein?

SHEMP:

Biggest vein you ever saw.

Quirt, I always knew there was

gold around these parts.

I'll show you, it's right there.

Ain't it a whopper?

It certainly is.

You see, it's just

halfway between...

It's all very interesting,

but I must go now.

I want to tell you some more

about my vein. I...

You can tell me.

I'm Doc Barker.

Well, pleased to meet you, doc.

This is right up your alley.

Did you ever see a vein

like this in all your life?

Um, I should say not.

You know something,

I could do things

with a vein like that.

You mean, operate?

That's right, partner.

We'll really go to work on it.

No small-time stuff, either.

No?

If it's near the surface,

we'll use 20 men

with pick and shovel.

Well, that might be...

Listen, Doc...

And if the vein is any deeper,

we'll use dynamite.

Oh, no, not on my vein.

There are tinhorns

around here who say

Doc Barker ain't a big operator.

Well, they won't have

a leg left to stand on.

Neither will I.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, mister, you're a card.

You kill me.

[LAUGHS]

Doc, all right.

Thanks anyway, doc.

But we'll handle

the vein ourselves.

Yeah.

Come on, let's go, boys.

I saw it.

It's worth millions.

Big operator, he ain't kiddin'.

What's the matter?

What's the matter?

I've got to talk to you.

Follow me.

Go ahead, go on.

Doc Barker is a no-good crook.

He stole the Red Dog Saloon

from me and my sisters,

and he's locked them up.

Nell.

Nell.

Zell, Belle.

[ALL GASP]

[UNISON]

Well, well.

[WHOOPING]

Oh, boy, oh.

Maybe these gentlemen

will help us.

Please, get us out of here.

Doc Barker said

if Nell didn't marry him,

something terrible

was going to happen to us.

Oh, don't worry, gals.

We'll get you out of here.

But how will you get

the keys from Doc Barker?

He keeps them

in his coat pocket.

I'll get those keys.

I'll dry-gulch that Doc Barker.

That's what I'll do,

gal. I'll...

[ALL GASPING]

Hey, wait a minute.

Listen, fellas. Come here.

Hey, I got a scheme to make

Doc Barker take off his coat.

Yeah?

You get in a poker game.

Yeah.

Larry and I...

[WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]

Thanks.

Well, boys, drinks are on me.

Okay.

Where's that bartender?

Oh, he's out.

I'll fix the drinks.

Don't go away.

[CHUCKLES]

Ickeymay.

Let's ante a dollar.

Did you take care

of the bartender?

Yeah.

Good work. What do you know

about mixin' drinks?

Nothin'.

That's fine, get me a jigger.

Old Homicide.

Molasses. That ought

to sweeten 'em up.

Yeah.

Tabasco.

Open for ten.

Pass.

Beats me.

These boots are killin' me.

[CHUCKLES]

Seltzer.

Oh, eggs. that ought

to make 'em cackle.

Whew.

Hey, you put paint in there.

So I did.

What's that?

Paint remover.

MAN 1: Pass.

MAN 2: Give me three.

I'll take the same.

Three.

One.

I'll bet you 500.

Well, mister,

Quirt bet you 500 bucks.

Can you call?

Darn right I can call.

Only I ain't got 500 bucks.

Don't let that worry you.

Just give me that paper

of yours for security

and I'll advance you five grand.

You mean this?

Why, sure thing.

Start pourin'.

Easy, now.

Good.

Can you call, or can't you?

I wouldn't be a bit surprised.

I'll see you and raise you

another thousand.

Call, king-high straight.

Four aces.

Come to papa.

Give me the sarsaparilla.

This drink is for Shemp.

I've got to remember that.

Okay.

Oh, why don't you look

where I'm going?

What's the matter?

I don't know which glass

is which.

Come on, hurry up

with those drinks.

Here's to crime.

Yeah,

a short life, and a merry one.

Yeah, a very short life.

Bottoms up, doc.

Well, let's get along

with the game.

[FUSE BURNING]

[EXPLOSION]

Oh! Water, water, water,

water, water...

I'll get some water.

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

Get that wet coat off.

He'll catch pneumonia.

Yeah.

They're in here someplace.

Here they are.

Okay, I got 'em.

Quick.

Are...? Are you all right,

boss?

Yes, I'm all right.

[ALL GROAN]

Get a chair there.

I have the keys.

The buggy's waiting.

Drive to the house.

I'll be there soon.

Quick.

Why, he's dead.

Well, he must have had

heart failure.

Yeah, he's dead

and I'm taking over.

Now, if any of you boys object,

you can step right

outside here and we'll...

[CHATTERING]

Giddy up, boy.

Why, the gals got out

of the basement.

Now, if Doc had those keys

in his pocket,

then I don't see how they...

See if we can find

something else.

Nothin' in there.

[WHISTLES]

Uh-huh.

[ALL WHISTLING]

[MUTTERS]

Now, wait a minute...

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[BOTH GROANING]

Ah, good.

Well, we got you anyway.

And we'll take care

of your pals later.

Let's take him down to

the basement and lock him up.

And we'll get a new lock.

Get goin'.

After you, gentlemen.

Oh, all right.

Suckers.

The window.

Wait a minute,

I was coming back, fellas.

I was only kiddin'.

Moe! They got me,

they got me.

[WHIMPERS]

I'm going to get a cheap lawyer.

There, that'll hold you.

Okay, boys, we'll shoot him

at sundown.

Hey, Moe, they're gonna

shoot me at sundown.

Relax, kid,

you're practically free.

I better get upstairs

and keep an eye on them.

Okay, toots.

Oh...

Shh, quiet, quiet.

Shh.

Come on, help me, will you?

[GROANS]

[CLANKING]

Dave, play something,

I feel like singing.

[PLAYS PIANO]

♪ 'Tis the last ♪

She'll be a pretty bride.

♪ Rose ♪

♪ Of summer ♪

Ouch!

Hold your ear.

What's that, a cross cut?

How do you like that?

Let's get busy here.

Hurry.

Hold that bar.

Ouch.

♪ Rosebud is nigh ♪

Give me that hammer and chisel.

All right, here.

That's it.

[SINGING CONTINUES]

[GROANING]

You're killing me.

Oh, I'm pullin'.

So am I.

I'm off balance.

[ALL GROANING]

You had your gun caught

in my belt.

I didn't know that.

Hey, let's disguise,

then we can get out of here

without being recognized.

Nice work, kid.

Come on, get an armful

of clothes.

[SHUDDERS]

What happened?

Something going

on downstairs, boys.

Come on.

I'm from the South... Shh.

We got to get out

of here quietly. Come on.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Hey, did you see

a fella come out of there?

ALL:

Yeah, he went thataway...

Come on, fellas.

Come on, let's get the horses.

A gorilla.

Where are we, in Africa?

Get out of here.

Get out of here.

[MEN SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

Hey, take it easy, will you?

[GROANS]

What happened?

What's the idea of pulling

me off the horse?

Hey, Moe. Larry.

Come here.

Now, listen, our...

Here they come again.

Into the wagon, quick.

Come on, hurry up.

Out of the way.

Boy, if we only had our guns.

Or some hamburger.

Hey, I found a box of bullets.

Well, give.

Get it in there.

Hey, that got 'em.

Look at 'em go.

Come on, let's get out of here.

Oh, here we are at last.

I thought we'd never make it.

Boy, I hope they're here.

Hey, look who's here.

SHEMP:

Oh, boy.

Howdy, girls.

Glad to see you all again.

NELL:

I don't know how we'll

thank you for what you've done.

Oh, shucks.

[GUNFIRE]

[ALL SHOUTING]

STOOGES:

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

[ALL SIGH]

[SQUEALING]

[♪♪♪]