Oy Vey! My Son Is Gay!! (2009) - full transcript

[waves crashing]

[intriguing music]

[Martin] Rivka, I like the
weather this time of year.

Do you like the
weather this time of year?

[Woman] So, what do you think?

[Shirley]
You don't want to know.

Which one?

Umm, the best we have.

Because you
never know.

Right? Okay.

Oh, you made cookies.



Sweetheart, come here.

[kissing]

Look at you.

The daughter of one of
your father's friends is here,

and she just graduated
from Hofstra.

You're making it a point
to tell me this?

Oh shush, sweetie, it was
just a last minute thing.

Yeah, last minute thing
like arranged a month ago.

Oh, be nice.

[Celeste] I did.

Well, well, well. Look who
finally decided to show up?

Oh, Martin, make
the introductions.

Oh sure, this is
my son, Nelson,

- and this is...
- Celeste Levitz.



- Hi.
- Whoa. Okay.

Nice to meet you,
Celeste Levitz.

Oh, it's my pleasure entirely.

[grunting]

Dinner is served.

Shall we go in
the dining room?

Let's go eat.

Come, Martin.

Oh, this is gonna be
the dinner from hell.

[Hevenu Shalom Aleichem playing]

[girl screaming]

[gunfire]

[bell ringing]

[bells]

[clapping]

[beeping]

[Shirley] Honey, what do you
really know about this girl?

Celeste? She lives in
great neck, nice parents,

belong to the
country club,

major contributors to the
synagogue, disgustingly rich.

Except for the
disgustingly rich part,

I don't think she's
for Nelson.

- Notice that, did ya?
- I did.

So why did you invite her here?

What do you mean why did I invite
her here? You suggested it.

All I said was Larry Levitz'
daughter was home from school.

You were ready to
call the caterers.

Dad, what is it with these
girls you're introducing me to?

I... it's her.

I'm not worried about you.

Well, you guys should know
that there's someone in my life.

There is?

Really?

Mazel, mazel, mazel tov.

Who is she?

I was gonna tell you.

Well, what are you
waiting for, the Messiah?

Is it serious?

Yeah. You could say that.

Great.

I'm so happy.

Mazel tov.
Mazel tov.

When are we gonna meet her?

Shirley, Shirley, calm down.
Nobody's calling the rabbi yet.

- Shhh.
- Dad's right.

I, uh, I'll tell you
guys when I'm ready.

Okay, but I can be happy.

I'm so happy.

[jazz music]

Angelo, Sybil,
I'm sorry I'm late.

- Oh, hi.
- Hey.

- Hey.
- How do I look?

- Deliciously divine.
- And me?

You two make a
beautiful couple.

[laughing]

- Tickets.
- Let's go.

Shirley, you got
to leave him alone.

He doesn't need
you to find women.

I'm just concerned.

I mean, how many more sons am
I gonna have in this life, huh?

Um, with me? None.

[Shirley] I just want to
know who he's with.

My son is out there all by himself.
He's all alone.

Your son is fine.
He's a healthy, confident young man.

But who is she?
We don't know anything about her.

I mean, for all we know,
she could be my age.

Don't be silly.

Yeah, well that's
what's in today.

- Young boys with...
- Young boys with what?

[Shirley] Well, is she Jewish?

I mean, we don't even
know if she's Jewish.

How could I have forgotten
to ask if she's Jewish?

How could I do that?

I have no idea
if she's Jewish.

- Oy, oy, oy.
- What if she's black?

That's all I need is a schwarza
running around in my family.

I don't care if she's
blue, purple or green.

Polka dots might bother me.

[upbeat dance music]

[music in headphones]

[doorbell rings]

Who are you?

I'm Angelo Ferraro, and
whom do I have the pleasure?

Well, I'm Mrs. Hirsch.
I'm Nelson's mother.

What? You want
to see my ID?

No, no, no. Sorry. Excuse me.
Please, come in.

Thank you.

I thought that Nelson
would be home by now.

Oh, he just called.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah, you can probably
still reach him at the office.

Have we met?

I'm Nelson's decorator.

Yeah, just kind of making some
suggestions here and there

and pray to the
almighty that he listens.

[laughs]

Well, I've never seen this
apartment looking so beautiful.

- Oh, you really think so?
- I do.

In fact, I wonder if you
would come out to my house

and give me a little advice.

Oh, I would be delighted.

I would love that.

[Angelo] Sybil?

Hey, Sybil.

Uh, Sybil, this is Mrs.
Hirsch, Nelson's mother.

Oh, hi.
I'm Sybil Williams.

So nice to meet you.
I've heard so much about you.

Likewise, I assure you.

I live downstairs,
and your darling son

lets me use his
Jacuzzi all the time.

- Oh, really? Jacuzzi?
- Um-hmm.

- Sybil?
- Uh-huh.

May I have a word with
you, maybe privately?

Oh yeah. I, um, I actually was
going to go get some candles

for the apartment.
All right. Bye.

Sybil, I want to
talk to you.

You know, I'm from California,

and these lips refuse to give
into the New York weather.

Yes, I know.

[gasping]

Is there something wrong?

No, no, no, no, no. [chuckles]

I don't...
I mean, I'm fine, and you're fine,

and I thank you very
much for everything.

Oh, sure. I just thought
maybe you'd want to, you know?

What? Not me.
I'm not like that.

You don't have to
worry about that with me.

Well, I'm not
worried about it.

Have I seen you
somewhere before?

Sure. Have you read
playpen this month, maybe?

Oh, playpen, oh. [chuckles]

Why, do you have a problem
with that, Mrs. Hirsch?

Oh, no, no. It's just...
It's very interesting.

[laughs]

Would you like to join me?

I mean, there's
room in here for two.

- No, no, no.
- Nelson and I always fit.

I'm already very clean.

Okay.

But thank you.
You're so kind.

Thank you for inviting me.

- [chuckles] Okay.
- Maybe some other time.

Nelson and you take
jacuzzis together?

Oh, all the time.
We love it. [chuckles]

Well, you know, we do more
than just Jacuzzi together.

We go to the theater.
We go to dance clubs.

We like to, you know,

- boogie.
- Boogie?

Yeah, boogie.

And he handles
my finances

because I don't know
anything about money.

Bubeleh, I am so happy that
you and Nelson are so close,

but, please, enjoy your
Jacuzzi. Carry on.

[chuckles] I will.

[sighs]

- Sybil?
- Mrs. Hirsch?

Oh, no, no.
Please, just call me Shirley.

Sybil, I want to know how
you really feel about my son.

Nelson is a lovely, caring,
wonderful person,

so sweet. [chuckles] We
have so much fun together.

He's very, really,
you know, special.

Beautiful.
Beautiful.

Uh, by the way, what college
did you say you graduated from?

I didn't say, but if
it interests you,

it was a private institution.

A private institution? Oh.

Yes, very, very private.

Very private?
Well good.

- Yeah.
- Excellent. That is great.

[chuckling]

[to herself] Sybil?
Is that a Jewish name?

I don't think so.

[bright music]

Tateleh.

Uh, Linda.

- Linda, this is...
- Oh, hi, Mrs. Hirsch.

This is, new. Okay?

Take care of that. Thanks.

Shirley?
What are you...?

That my dear,
is Nelson's girlfriend.

What?

- Go in my office.
- Okay.

Wow. Are you kidding?

Nelson is dating
a centerfold?

No. She is the centerfold
of the month,

and as I suspected,
I think she's a shiksha.

[Martin] Who cares?

Martin.

How do you know
she's not Jewish?

Because I just came from
his apartment. I met her.

- Martin?
- Huh?

You can put your tongue
back into your mouth now.

What'd you do? You barged
into his house, right?

You shouldn't
do that, Shirley.

Don't be ridiculous.
Mother's barge, and I'm his mother,

so I have barging rights.

Nelson's 25 years old.
He's a grown man.

I am still his mother.

I don't think you have
a right to spy on 'em.

Don't tell me
about my rights.

Look at her,
just look at her.

You could stop
looking at her now.

A centerfold fell for
my boy. I'm proud of 'em.

- You are...
- Good morning, Shirley.

Good morning,
uncle Moishe.

- You going to the toilet?
- No.

Come on. It's my magazine,
uncle Moishe.

- Yours?
- Yeah.

Good.
Take it home with you.

Don't leave it here if you want
your husband to get some work

done today so he can feed you
and the rest of the family.

I thought we were rich enough so
that Martin didn't have to work

as hard anymore, he
could take it a little easy.

We're not so rich that he
can waste his time reading

that cockamamie garbage
during working hours.

Did you finish the
shipment to Japan?

Here. If you go out.
You'll take a look.

You'll see it's almost
all done, all right?

You won't miss it.

I have no idea why I
still work for that man.

Don't be a schmeggege.

You're the only family he's got,
and he pays you a lot of money,

and one day you're gonna
inherit this entire business.

One day? Yeah? You think so?
I don't think he's ever gonna die.

Oh, everybody dies.

Not him.

[Shirley] He's 80 years old.

For him, that's middle-aged.

[laughs]

- You know, I think I like her.
- Yeah?

I mean, she seemed
like a nice girl.

Great.

Except how do we
explain her to him?

Who cares?
What does it matter?

If uncle Moishe
ever finds out

that your son
is marrying a shiksha

playpen centerfold
of the month,

he'll can your ass
on the spot.

He'll run to his lawyer,
and he'll change the will.

What do you expect me
to do about that, Shirley?

Oh, as usual,
do what you do best.

Do nothing.

- Marty?
- Yeah?

Why don't you come over
here with the real men?

I'm over here with
the real weights.

You got time for
some Texas hold 'em?

Uh, no. Shirley and I
are busy tonight.

You gonna hump tonight?

I don't think that everybody
in the entire gym heard you.

Jesus, Max.

Not everything is about sex.

You are getting old.

You got nothing
to worry about.

Your father lived
to be 103 years old,

schtooping
all the way.

Your obsessed
with this subject.

Just like my uncle moishe.
He's 80.

Uncle moishe
still schtoops?

- You like that word, huh?
- Yeah.

Apparently, women like the
sound of crackling old bones

as long as it comes with the
sound of crackling old money.

Money can buy
you anything.

Can't buy love, Max.

You just won't spend enough.

I'm talking about
true love, Max.

Marty, it can and will
buy anything.

What are you saying,
that I bought your sister?

Are you kidding?
She was on special.

[laughs]

So how's that nephew,
the boychik, Nelson?

Is he still making a
killing in real estate?

Yes. He's doing well, thanks.

Schtooping?

Uh, yes. I guess he is.
I'm sure he is.

Like father, like son.

I've given this
a lot of thought and,

I think it's time that you know
what's going on in my life.

Yes, yes, honey.
I know all about her.

[on phone] What? No, no, no.
Mom, you're not listening.

There is no she in my life.

Yes, dear. Martin, where is my

super moisturizing Mac day cream?

I don't believe your
father uses my creams.

He thinks they make
him look younger.

Old men are so stupid.

You know they only work on women.
[chuckles]

Anyway, where the
hell were we, huh?

Oh yes, I am warning you

that I am going to start
a full fledged campaign

to get her out here
and introduce her

to the whole family.

Well, maybe not
the whole family.

Oh, you know what?

You could invite her to your
cousin's wedding tomorrow.

- Mom, I...
- Oh, maybe not. I don't know.

This is so hard for me to tell you,

and you're not
making it any easier.

Yes dear, yes, yes, yes.

I'm gay--

God, Andrea, where
is my hairbrush?

Oh here it is.

Andrea, have you
been using this brush?

This is not my
tangled hair in here.

- Ugh.
- No. Leave alone.

- Ugh.
- Mom, please listen to me.

You have no idea

the IQ level I am dealing
with in this household.

All right, go on. Go on.

Mom, I'm...

- Gay.
- Oy vey iz mir.

Again, your
mother's being tortured.

Where are my tweezers?

You know, honey, I am so late.
I'm hysterical.

Let's talk about
this tomorrow, okay?

I'm sending you love.

I'm sending you hugs and kisses
and give tootsy face my love, okay?

[kisses]

I love you. I love you.
I love you. Bye bye.

Oy yoy yoy.

Not bad.

Hey.

Hi.

What's the matter?

My mother's the matter.

Like I've always said, if it's
not one thing, it's your mother.

I tried to tell
her about us today.

And?

She's too wrapped up in
her own world to listen.

Oh, well, it's not
the end of the world.

When I finally tell her,
and she screams gevalt,

it will be the end
of the world.

Hey, like I said,
it's no biggie.

There's more.

She wants to introduce Sybil
to the entire Hirsch family.

Tomorrow at the wedding.

Wait.

You're not taking
me to the wedding?

I didn't say that.

Because we agreed to tell both
our families before my birthday.

Yes, I know,
but you...

Maybe we should think about
this a little differently.

Don't you think
that we should

tell our parents
first that we're gay

and let that sink in a little bit,

and then when they're
ready to accept it...

Fully accept it... then we
can tell them about us.

You know what?
I could be a bitch, too.

Take Sybil.

[melancholic music]

It's too soon.

They're not ready yet.

You know, sometimes...

Sometimes it feels like the
whole damn world isn't ready.

Hey, hey, hey.

Fucking buckaroo you.

It's your birthday soon.

What do you want to do?

You remembered.

You sneaky little
bushy fox.

I want to go Brennan's
for breakfast

and then I want to go to
Antoine's for dinner

and then I want to
go to a club,

and I want to dance with you
until the cows come home.

Or, we could have it here.

Nice, warm and intimate.

In the apartment?

Oh, right, in the apartment,
where no one can see us.

That's great, Nelson.

It's not what I meant.

[door slams]

Come out, come out, oh Romeo.

You shall suffocate
thy fine self in there.

Besides, as far as I'm
concerned, you're out,

and you could never go back in.

I won't let you.

[knocking]

I'll huff and I'll puff,
and I'll blow the door down.

Angelo?

This isn't funny anymore.

Open this door immediately.

Come on!

[door opens]

Okay, okay.

You can come with me,

tomorrow,

to the wedding.

[kissing]

Thank you.

God, what am I
gonna wear?

♪ I'm coming out ♪

♪ I want the world to know ♪

♪ Got to let it show ♪

♪ I'm coming out ♪

♪ I want the world to know ♪

♪ I got to let it show ♪

♪ There's a new me coming out ♪

♪ And I just had to live ♪

[Shirley] Martin?
Come here a minute.

Let me see you.

What?

Oh, you can't wear
that shirt, honey.

You just wore it last week
to aunt Sandy's funeral.

[sighs] Wedding, funeral,
what's the difference?

[Shirley] What was that?

Huh? Yeah, um,
I'm changing the shirt.

What are you looking at?

The last time you made a
decision was getting married.

[phone ringing]

Whatever it is, could it
wait until after the wedding?

Mom, I'm bringing someone
very special with me

to the wedding today.

[Shirley] That is so exciting.

I know everybody's
gonna love to meet her.

I wish you'd give her a
crash course in being Jewish.

She'll come to a
Jewish wedding.

No, mom, you don't understand.

Okay. Don't be late. I love you.
[kissing sounds]

Hey, you like me in red?

No, no.
You love me in red.

You're always saying,
"let's go, let's go",

and as usual you're the
one we're waiting for.

Hold your horses.
I'm coming.

I hate weddings.

Oh, shush.

What are you wearing?

I buy you all those
beautiful clothes,

and you never put them on.

[scoffs]

Gevalt.

[car engine starts]

[Sybil] He's bringing her,

which means he wants to
introduce her to the family,

which means
he's serious about her,

and if he's serious about her,

we have to get serious
about her, too.

So, I say let's get it
out in the open.

It almost may be time for him
to announce his engagement.

This is my son.

This is his fiancee.

No, she's not Jewish.

Yes, she was on the cover of
playpen magazine last week.

No, not just a centerfold,
but the centerfold of the year.

My sister-in-law
Sophie, she faints.

You, pick her up off the floor.
Uncle Moishe, he storms out.

Next week, you're
collecting unemployment.

The question is,
are we happy?

The answer, if Nelson's
happy, we're happy.

[chuckles]

[Jewish music]

Where's Nelson?

Oh, he'll be here
any minute.

- Hello.
- Hello, Max.

So? Well?

Soon, soon.
He'll be here soon.

Shirley, you look wonderful.
I love that outfit.

Thank you, Max.

Why don't you buy
Sophie a new dress?

He just bought me one.
This one.

I'm sorry.

Max, Sophie, I want you
to prepare yourself

because Nelson is
not coming alone.

He's bringing somebody
very, very special.

Mazel tov.

Who's the lucky one?

They both are.

I hope you took your
digitalis this morning.

You didn't tell me he
was seeing someone.

Well, I didn't know.

How could you not know?

I didn't know, okay?

Now, I know,
and now you know,

and when you know,
everybody knows.

Her name is Sybil.

Sybil? A shiksha?

How did you know?

What else would a Sybil be?
Shiksha.

Well, she's on the
cover of playpen.

- No.
- Yes.

She is the playpen cover
girl centerfold of the decade.

- No!
- Yes.

What does she do
for a living?

I'm not sure.

Nelson, with a centerfold?
Where did he find her?

I don't know,
but I'm glad he found her.

Max, what's a playpen
center girl fold?

Something you will never be.

Come on, Max.
You talk too much.

Always with the talking,
talking, talking

and after the talking,
there's more talking.

Max, why don't you
buy Sophie a new dress.

You don't have
any children.

What are you gonna do
with all your money?

Take it with you?
Buy your wife a new dress.

Max, do you realize
that girl is not Jewish?

How do you know that?

How could a Sybil
be Jewish?

Doesn't sound
Jewish to me?

Who's not Jewish?

Oh, uncle Moishe.

Who is not Jewish?

The president.

So, where's Nelson?
Is he here?

No, he's not here yet.

What's your problem?

[grunts]

Uncle Moishe, he can turn
any day into Yom Kippur.

Yeah, and look at my darling
meshugganah sister-in-law.

She is telling the whole
congregation about Nelson already.

Oh, here they are.

Who's that with him?

Oh, that's his painter,
decorator guy.

What's he doing here?

How the hell should I know?
I didn't invite him.

Hey.

Finally.

Hello.

- Where's, uh...?
- Hi mom.

- Hello, Mrs. Hirsch.
- Hello.

Oh, dad, you haven't met Angelo.

Mom just told me.
Decorator?

Yes.
So great to meet you.

- Yeah. You, too.
- Let me show you the yamulkes.

This is Andrea,
Nelson's sister.

He would've
figured that out, dad.

Okay.

- Hi.
- Hi.

So, I thought you were
bringing the centerfold?

No, I told you I was bringing
someone very special.

Sybil's special,
but she's not very special.

Well, is she coming?
I mean, we've been waiting for her.

- Who?
- Sybil.

She couldn't make it.

[Rabbi] Ladies and
gentlemen, Baruch hashem,

wedding ceremony
is about to begin.

[Marty] We better go in, I guess.

Well, I'm gonna miss
seeing her.

I don't know if you have one.

You have to put one of these on.

Oh, you know what? I actually...
I brought one, so thank you.

Well, where did
you get that?

I made it.

Wow. Look at this.
You made this?

Yeah. You like it?

Yeah. I've never
seen one like it.

Yeah. Thanks.

Yeah. Is it on right?

Yes. As long as it's on
your head, it's perfect.

You could make a
killing selling that.

Well, we'll talk
about that later.

[praying in Hebrew]

[All] Amen.

Okay, put it on
the right finger.

Repeat after me.

[repeating Hebrew blessing]

[praying in Hebrew]

Mom, I'm gay.

Mother, I'm gay.

Shhh.

I'm gay.

- Martin.
- I'm sorry.

Nelson has something
to say to you.

What?

Dad, I'm gay.

All right. That's good.
That's nice.

Okay.

Your son is a homosexual.

What did you just say?

He said he's gay, dad.

Shhh. Andrea, please.

Shhh. The rabbi's gay?

Well, yeah, and
the pope's Jewish.

The rabbi's gay?

Shoosh out there!

- Marty?
- Uh-huh?

Nelson just said
he's gay.

- What?
- He's gay.

Your son.

What are you
talking about?

What am I talking about?
He's a homosexual. He's gay.

Shirley, we're in a synagogue

- he said it first.
- Said what first?

Your son is trying to
tell you that he is gay.

[praying]

[glass breaks]

[Congregation]
Mazel tov!

[applause]

[fire crackling]

Martin, you're drunk.

Well, not quite, but I'm getting
there as fast as I can.

Pour me some.

More.

I don't know.
It's usually so obvious.

I know, isn't it?

Like with that decorator guy,
Angelo, it's obvious,

but not with our boy,
not with Nelson.

Have you ever noticed anything?

Well, he is so sensitive.

He's a lot more
than that now.

Well, you thought he was gonna marry
some bimbo from a sex magazine.

You don't have to worry about
that anymore. You happy now?

Happy? What?
Do I look happy?

Do I sound happy?
Am I happy?

No, I'm not happy.

[grunting]

Oy vey my son is gay.

All right.
That's enough, enough, enough.

All right.
I don't want to talk about it.

What are you doing?

I'm getting tired
of all this.

- Stop it!
- Shit!

I don't want to
think about it anymore.

Let's watch football.

Ahh, my boys.

You know you're crazy.

I know.

[sighs]

Honey?

[sighs]

Football isn't making me happy.

[sighs]

[TV announcer] According to
Fresno state university researcher,

Melvin Reardon, 43% of
teens in this country

now tell pollsters they
are gay, lesbian, bisexual

or questioning their
sexual orientation.

Catholic bishops
throughout the nation

are urging parents
of gay children

to demonstrate love for
their sons and daughters

and to recognize that generally
homosexual orientation

is experienced
as given from birth

not as something
freely chosen.

Catholic bishops
are saying that?

Oh shush, shush.

There is widespread evidence
that homosexuality is a fad

among young people
throughout the nation.

More from our
correspondent, Alice Gerble.

[Alice] Here and on college
campuses around the nation,

the term "gay until
graduation", is being used

to describe those
experimenting with gay sex.

Now, recently you changed
your name from John to Jan.

Can you tell us why?

I was living a lie.

I've given in to who I am.

Changing my name
from John to Jan

was just my way of feeling
more complete.

Well, what about all the controversy
surrounding your decision?

I haven't felt
any negativity.

It's all about freedom.

Freedom to make choices
that bring you happiness.

Thanks so much, Jan.

Well, there ya have it, folks.

Gay isn't just becoming okay.
It's cool.

Reporting live,
I'm Alice Gerble.

What the hell happened to the world
while we were at that wedding?

The world didn't change
overnight, Marty.

It's just we weren't
paying attention.

I don't get it.

How did he get this way?

Huh?

How, why did he...
Do you think it was me?

- I don't think so.
- I don't think so either.

I mean, when I was a kid, I wanted
to schtoop anything that walked.

- Anything that moved.
- Anything in a skirt.

What if it was in
his books, you know?

Books? What books?

The damn books you wanted me
to read standing on my head

or if I was upside down,
the sumokutro?

- Oh, the kamasutra!
- Kamasutra, 101 positions.

I think we tried them all.

What if one night we left
the door open by accident,

and he came by the door.

You think if he saw
us, it scared him?

It scared me.

What's happening
to our boy?

I don't know either.

Maybe it's you.

- Me?
- You, yeah, you.

- What are you talking about me?
- Your side of the family.

My side of the family?
Oh, please. Don't be ridiculous.

My grandmother
had 11 children.

Somebody was
doing the schtooping.

I know, but you got to admit

that the men on your side of the
family are a little wishy washy.

Wishy washy?
They're not wishy washy.

They're successful huge
businessmen with big families.

Oh really, and half the boys
in that family are bald,

which is saying
something about them.

I have no idea what, and the
other half are a little iffy.

Iffy?

- Yeah, like your brother, Max.
- Max? Don't you go there.

You're crossing into
psychotic territory.

Exactly.

My brother, Max,
is a wonderful man.

Who is incapable
of having children.

True, true.
But he's still a menchyman.

He's a menchyman who spends half
his life in a men's health club.

And so do you.

Not for that reason.

What about your
brother, Eddie?

He is 47 years old,
and he's not married.

My brother, Eddie,
is 45 years old.

- He is 47.
- All right.

And what about your
cousin, Seymour?

- Leave Seymour out of it.
- Oh, Seymour is 42 years old.

- So?
- Never been married.

He lives in San Francisco,
and he is an actor.

- Yeah.
- And that's your family.

Don't you talk about
my family like that.

My father was able
to lift 300 pounds.

The most he ever listed was 300
pounds of his wife's tuchus.

At least it was
a female tukhus.

Oh, please.
Just leave me alone.

[screaming]

- I'll tell you...
- What!

I will tell you about the men
on my side of the family.

My father schtooped
himself to death.

You forgot how he died?

How could I forget, with
his 20-year-old secretary.

- Exactly!
- Yeah!

You know that schmuck would've
been better off if he was gay.

And his brother, my uncle
Moishe, 80 years old,

still the biggest womanizer
in all of Brooklyn.

And I wish you were a little bit
more like your uncle moishe.

What are you talking about?
What?

Well, I don't want to hurt
your feelings, Marty,

but I mean in the last few
months, you know, nothing, zippo.

You think I lost it, huh?

No, I don't think you lost it.
I think it's resting.

It's in semi-retirement.

Semi-retirement?
Hold this.

- You hold it.
- What are you doing?

You want to know about the
men on my side of the family?

I'll tell you about the men
on my side of the family.

This is the men on
my side of the family.

What is this?
A threat?

Take it however
you want it.

Whatever will start
your motor, honey.

Okay, this is my
side of the family.

You, get your ass up here.
Get up here.

Should I call 911?

Call whoever you want.
It's not gonna help you.

All right, all right, all right.

[laughing]

If I had known this
was gonna happen,

I wish we'd found out
about Nelson sooner.

[upbeat dance music]

[moans and groans]

There's not one gay bone
in my body, right?

No, no, no more.
I want more.

- What?
- I want more.

In order to form an
opinion, I need more.

[laughing]

No, it's not
gonna work.

Yes, sure, it will.
Sure, it will.

- My arm.
- Move your arm.

Come here. Come here.

Alright. You wanted more.
You're getting more.

[moaning]

[moans]

Oh, god!

[elevator bell]

[Nudleman] Good
afternoon, Mr. Hirsch.

Good afternoon.

Very colorful.

Glad you like it.

I didn't say I liked it.
I said it was colorful.

These clothes are
what's in today.

Are they?

That's terrific.

[elevator dings]

[elevator door rustling]

Sorry.

Sorry.

[elevator dings]

[grunt]

[elevator door opens]

[Marty] Why do I have
to do this?

Because you're homophobic.

Why because I didn't
like Nudleman's shirt?

Come on, honey.
Forget Nudleman.

You have to go in
and face your fears

or else you're never gonna be
able to handle any of this.

[whining]

- Go on.
- [sobbing]

I love you.

If I'm not out of there in
ten minutes, call the police.

I promise.

All right.

Behave.

[dance music]

The gentleman on the end
said the drink's on him.

I don't want to be on him.

I don't live far
from here.

- What? Sorry?
- [chuckling]

Like, if you're looking
for an engagement ring,

- I'm not your guy.
- Oh, no.

But if you want to make the best
of what's left of the night...

No, no. I'm... no offense
but I'm not like you.

That's all right. Opposites
attract, and I dig older men.

I am not that old.

Oh, little sensitive?

No. I'm not here for...

I'm actually here just
to do a little research.

Oh, well, sorry professor.

Let me know if you
need a specimen.

I'll be back to
check in on you.

Can hardly wait.

Oh, Jesus Christ.
I'm sorry.

It was so much better
in the old days

when courtship
was in fashion.

Now, it's strictly
fast food.

My name's Skip.

Now, don't ask me
where it comes from

and it's not short for
anything, and neither am I.

- What's your name?
- Uh, I'm Martin.

Do you mind if
I call you Marty?

Call me whatever
you want, Skippy.

I'm not really...

I wouldn't mind being
your bicycle seat.

Look, I got to be
far away from you.

Sorry.

[dance music]

[cheers]

Martin?

Oh, my god.

- Martin Hirsch?
- I don't know who you are.

Oh honey, I don't care if
you know the girl or not.

You got to stop
peeing on me.

I'm sorry.

It's me, Martin.

Martin.

Martin Hirsch.

I know you're in there.

Martin, it's me, Nudleman.

Well, let's just leave 'em.

Ooh.

Careful.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Shit.

[singing]
It's raining men, hallelujah...

- Drive, fast.
- Honey?

- Just go.
- What's going on?

Don't even ask.
Just go, go.

- Let's get the hell out of here.
- Okay, okay. Relax.

Are you kidding me
with that music?

Has the whole world gone gay?

What happened in there?

- Shirley, I saw Max in there.
- You saw Max in there?

- These two guys came onto me.
- Wait a sec. What?

- Incredibly embarrassing.
- Just wait a second.

- Get back to the Max part.
- Well, I saw him in there.

- He's there.
- Max? My brother?

- Yeah.
- He's been married for 20 years.

A lot of married guys go
into bars like that, Shirley.

They call them ACDC.

Max ACDC.
Don't be ridiculous.

Well, what can I tell ya.
He's in there and so is Nudleman.

- Nudleman? From the office?
- Yes. In a dress.

- Oh my god!
- And he saw me.

Everybody's in there?
What about Nelson?

And the decorator?

No, Nelson is nothing
like those guys.

He's completely different.

Nelson's problem is just...
He doesn't understand women

or maybe he's never found a
woman that understands him.

Women just don't
understand men altogether.

It's probably why this happens
to so many of 'em.

What? You are making
no sense to me at all.

Why are there so many gay guys? You
should've seen that place, Shirley.

It was completely packed,
and I think it's because...

I don't know it's because
of the way treat men.

- What?
- Yeah.

That is the most insane thing
I've ever heard you say.

You're making me very,
very upset and angry.

Well, maybe I should've
had a drink with Skippy.

Maybe you should have.

Who's Skippy?

Skippy's the guy
that came onto me.

- What? Oh my god.
- You told me to go in there.

- And face my fears, right?
- Yeah.

So I did, and guess
what happened?

- What happened?
- It was kind of exciting.

- What?
- It was a little bit...

You know, it's forbidden
and kind of enticing?

Martin, Martin.
Stop it!

Ow. It was uncomfortable and weird,

but it was also erotic.

- Erotic?
- Yeah.

- Extreme.
- You're making me sick.

- No, no, no.
- Maybe I'm gay.

- Maybe you are.
- Maybe I am.

- Maybe you are.
- The whole world is gay.

Oh my, god is gay.

[singing] I'm a gay man.
I'm a gay man. I'm gay until I die.

[singing] I'm a gay man.
I'll be gay until I die.

Marty.

I am lost and gone forever
because I'm gay until I die.

Marty.

- I'm a gay man. I'm a gay man.
- What are you doing?

What? Being gay.

Marty, knock it off.
You're gonna make me puke.

God, help us.

- You're a mashugana.
- What should we do?

You know what?
I can't deal with this.

- I'm going in the house.
- Give us a sign.

Anything.

[bird flying by]

Thank you, God.

[laughs]

Our son's life has
become one big joke to you.

No, no, just...

As far as you're
concerned,

this is all happening
to somebody else,

and the only way you can deal
with it is to make fun of it.

I'm not. I'm not.

You just can't face it.

You know why it's
happening to us?

Why?

In case you forgot, whatever
happens to your children

happens to you.

Now, listen. All right,
it's happening to me.

It's happening to you,

and what do you think
we can do about it, huh?

First, we can try and find out
who our son really is

and how he lives his life
and who his friends are,

and we have to go
into his world.

Marty, we have to go
into his world

and try and understand it so
we can become a family again.

Yeah, I went into
his world today,

and I think I've had
enough for a lifetime.

- Marty?
- What?

If our son is really gay,

we have to learn
to live with it.

I know.

Because he is our son.

I know.

I know.

[melancholic music]

[elevator bell]

[elevator door rustling]

I didn't know.

What?

You're so sneaky.
You little devil, you.

[sighs]

Martin?

Yeah? Hi.

Um, Martin, I'd like you
to meet Emmitt Bernstein.

He is the secretary for
an organization called

the national society
for gay people.

The what?
The what society?

The national society
for gay people.

- May I?
- Uh, yeah.

It's a gay organization.
We fight for our rights.

We print brochures.

We even publish
our own newspaper.

Uh-huh.

Hello.

We do this.

There ya go.

I'm Emmit's friend,
Lance Smith.

I'm a member of the committee,
and chief editor of our paper,

the gayzette.

- The what?
- The gayzette.

- Gay... Gayzette.
- Gayzette.

That's cute.

Yeah, so nice to meet you.
I'm Martin Hirsch.

The pleasure's all mine, Marty.
May I call you Marty?

No, can I call you Lancy?

[whispering] Stop.

This is Margaret who obviously
knew you were coming.

Hi fellas.

Okay, okay.

So, you two are...

He's very young for an
editor wouldn't you say?

- And very handsome.
- Thank you.

- Thank you both very much.
- And such a cute face.

He's actually 32.

He looks 18.

And we just celebrated
his birthday yesterday.

Congratulations.

Because he looks
barely legal.

Like I said, just happy birthday.

I like this man.
Thank you.

So these gentlemen have come
here to talk to us today

- about what it's like to be...
- Okay, I see what you... fine.

Why don't you tell us
what it's like to be...

Go ahead talk to us about
what it's like to be...

You can say it. Gay.

Yeah, that's the word I was
desperately searching for.

- They know about Nelson.
- Oh, I'm thrilled.

So, you both know
that your son is gay?

Yeah.

And it comes as a
bit of a surprise.

A little bit.

It takes a little
getting used to.

Kind of.

I remember my parents
when I told them.

- They were sick.
- I can imagine.

I mean sick.
It was as if someone had died.

Died. I know
that feeling.

Well, we thought it would
be a good idea to find out,

what we should expect, what
happens between, you know...?

[doorbell]

Margaret, tell
Andrea no kids tonight.

- We don't want to be disturbed.
- Don't want to be disturbed.

Okay, so this is what
you wanted to do, fine.

You want to know how we feel?

We're just gonna lay
our cards on the table.

- We feel terrible.
- Marty.

- We feel shocked. Disappointed.
- No, we don't.

If she was gonna be
really honest with you,

she would tell you deep
down inside she's horrified.

I'm not horrified.

This is a nightmare
for our family.

It's a temporary nightmare.

I mean, we really don't even
know if Nelson is really...

- Gay, Mrs. Hirsch.
- Yes.

Excuse me.
You have a guest.

Who? Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!
It's God.

[Moishe] I was in the neighborhood.
Am I interrupting?

No, it's perfect.

You couldn't have
come at a better time.

- No, I couldn't be happier.
- I'm tired.

Why? What's the matter?
Welcome him in.

Uncle Moishe, come sit right
here between Emmitt and Lancy,

right here who are
Shirley's friends, by the way.

She's the one
that invited them.

Not friends, they're associates.

This is my uncle
Moishe, he's my boss.

I hope you're happy now.

These two...
They belong to a gay club.

A gay club? See?
He has no idea.

They're married, uncle Moishe,
so you don't have to...

Uh, Margaret, could you
bring me a vodka, please?

Bring her a triple.

So, Mr. Hirsch, what do you
think about sex education

in the public schools.

[laughing]

Sex education?

I've always wanted to
ask him that question.

My feeling is that girls should
be encouraged to stay virgins

until they're married.
Like in the old days.

I couldn't agree
with you more.

But what about boys?

Do you encourage
masturbation?

No, no. There's other ways
to learn about sex.

Boys should go
to whore houses.

Oh, my god.
Moishe.

What? You guys didn't do
it when you were young?

Not me.

I don't think that
they did, uncle Moishe.

They didn't go to
a whore house.

Martin, do you have a problem?

Personally, I think
hookers are a bit disgusting.

There is nothing healthier
than a healthy hooker

for a healthy sex lifestyle.

Don't you think so, Martin?

I'm just doing my best to
pretend I'm on another planet.

I'm actually worried
about Nelson, okay?

Nelson. Now, there's
a healthy kid

and nothing wrong with
Nelson's sex education.

Right.

[doorbell]

[Angelo] Hello.

Please come in.

Thank you.

For you.

Thank you so much.
I love orchids.

I'm glad.

Almost as much
as I love Nelson.

You know what?
Let me take these from you.

- Here we go.
- Thank you.

Yes. There you go.
The apartment looks great.

Please come in.
Make yourselves at home.

Nelly, your parents are here.

Wow. Wow. My table
never looks this nice.

Yeah.

- Hi, honey.
- Hi.

Oh, well make
yourselves comfortable.

What are you drinking?

Oh, I'll wait
'til dinner.

I'll have some wine
with dinner.

I'll have a double scotch, okay.

Marty?

Uh, wine with dinner.

I should warn you.

I tried to cook with as
little salt as possible.

That's very smart
of you, Angelo.

- Isn't it, Marty?
- What? It's brilliant.

Do you use
a salt substitute?

No, I don't.

I kind of find it leaves a
weird aftertaste in my mouth.

Yeah, I know.

- Would you like?
- I'll take one.

Go ahead, Marty.
Have a...

Yeah, I'm gonna have one
a little bit later.

- No, have one.
- I'll have one a little later.

Mmm. Delicious.

Well, I have to tell you
how long it takes

to get these catape just right.

For me, literally it takes me
just as long to pick out

a cute little outfit
for the gym.

I hated it.

Did you hear that
thing about the gym?

Marty, yes I did.

Behave yourself,
would you, please?

I didn't put a
catape in my purse.

Oh, stop it.

[soft music]

- More?
- Oh, no thank you.

- Dad?
- I wouldn't mind a refill.

He's gonna have a
cup of coffee.

Thank you.

[clears throat]

Thanks.

Anyone like any
after dinner drinks?

No, thank you.

Okay.

Angelo, it was
a terrific meal.

Oh, thank you.

It was very good.
Thank you.

[Angelo] Thank you.

Guys,

how can
I explain to you

why I am the way I am any
better than you can explain

why you are
the way you are?

Oh, I think I can explain
why I am the way I am.

Marty, Marty.
Shoosh, please.

Look, what you need
to understand is

that this doesn't have
anything to do with you.

I am who I am.

I've been this way ever since
I can remember,

probably since I was born.

We understand.

I don't think
I understand.

Marty, please, shush.
Not now.

What can I say to you that you
haven't already read about

or heard or seen?

I'm gay.

I don't steal.
I don't do drugs.

I don't kill.
I'm just gay.

I don't think that I should have
to be dishonest to myself

just so that you two
can be comfortable.

I want to be true to myself just
like Angelo is true to himself.

Can I say how I feel?

Not now.
This is not the time.

No, mom.
This is the time.

Shush.

Mom, let him say
what he has to say.

Angelo, could I have a word
alone with my son, please?

No, no.
Sit down, Angelo.

Mom, I want you to accept
Angelo as part of the family.

That's how I feel about him.

Look, I have a suggestion.

Take it slow
because you never know.

[scoffs] Mom, I know.

We know.

How do you know?

You've just begun to live.

I mean, how do
you know about we?

How do you know
about you?

Honey, it's too soon.

Just think about it.

Do I have to spell
this out for you?

Angelo's not the first one.

[Marty] There's been
more of them?

Huh? Yeah.

Marty?

Marty, are you
all right?

Listen, Nelson, why don't
you and me take a ride, okay?

Just father and son.
Is that okay with you, Angelo?

- Yeah.
- What are you doing?

I'm just gonna talk alone to
my son. Is that okay with you?

No. It's not all right with me.

It's too bad because
I'm gonna do it anyway.

- Where are you going?
- I don't know.

I'm just gonna go have a
man to man talk with my son.

- I'll be back.
- Okay.

- Thank you.
- Uh-huh.

Do you have any vodka?

[baseball game on TV]

- Dad?
- Yeah.

I thought you wanted to have
a man to man conversation.

I can barely hear
myself think.

You love this place.
This is our place.

We always used
to come here.

It's the place you and me
were always on the same page.

Well, yeah, we were on the same
page but of two different books.

What?

You always liked the game,
and I always liked the players.

[sighs]

Thanks.

You want your mom and I

to accept this
just like that, right?

Obviously, you didn't
accept it just like that

or you would've come
to us a lot earlier.

Nelson, maybe if you'd
come to me sooner

and together you and I
could've fixed this.

Dad, that's exactly why I
didn't come to you earlier.

There's nothing to fix.
I'm not broken.

You know some of
those guys are gay?

Only thing that's broken about
them is they can't come out.

[Announcer on TV] Here's the pass.
Nice catch. Can he spin? Yes he can.

He's loose, he may go.

[crowd reactions and applause]

Forty eight yard
touchdown pass...

Marty, why do we
have to do this?

They said this guy is an expert.
He's the top of his field.

I think his wisdom
and his insight

will help us turn this
whole thing around.

All right.

I'll give it a try.

[Doctor] A child is born.

The mother is caring, warm.

She breastfeeds the baby
maybe four, five months.

She gives the child
love and serenity,

everything that
the child needs.

Suddenly, there's a change
in the baby's life.

The mother wants to live
again, become productive.

She no longer has the time
that she used to for the boy.

The little boy is at a loss.

Gone is the total love
and security

that he's been accustomed to.

The mother is no longer
there like she was.

So, the boy turns to the father.

With him, he finds
the love he lost.

The boy falls in love
with his father.

The boy grows up
and the boy remembers

it was with another man where
he found this contentment.

I'm sorry.

[chuckles ironically]

Well doctor, if you ever
decide to go back to med school,

I'll pay for it.

Well, this is just one
theory we could apply.

I see, but you really
don't know for sure.

Nobody does.

What about breastfeeding?

I breastfed my son
until he was about three.

- Three months?
- No three years.

What?

What?

Well, there is evidence that
says excessive breastfeeding

can bind a boy so completely

that he can't make a normal
relationship with another woman.

Yeah, my mother did say you were
a little excessive with him

when he was young.

Your mother said that
because she is your mother.

Okay.

This is very
interesting, doctor.

Are you telling me
that there's a possibility

that I may be responsible
for turning my son gay?

Well...

What?

Oh, Dr. Freud, who the hell
do you think you are,

you stupid little prick?

- Okay, Shirley, Shirley.
- Oh no, Mr. Penis envy here.

How do you know what a
mother's love for her son is?

- Our time might be up.
- You have another ten minutes.

I ought to have
your license revoked.

Are you sure?

Because she's just
gonna keep going like this.

You know what I gave my son?

I've given my son everything.

- Just write him a check.
- I've loved him and loved him.

You know what?

I bet you never even
slept with a woman.

You probably don't
even have a dick.

- There ya go.
- I'll send you the bill.

- Good idea. Sure.
- I'm out of here.

I'm coming.

Stupid piece of shit.

Nice talking to you.

[soft music]

I'm here to see Martin Hirsch.

- Martin Hirsch?
- Yes.

Second door
on your right.

Okay. Thank you.

Oh, hi.
Come on in.

- Hi.
- Hi. Come on in.

Thank you, Sybil for coming.
Is it okay if I call ya Sybil?

- Of course.
- Call me Marty.

Okay, Marty.

Do you want to take off... make
yourself, take something off.

Oh yeah. Sure.

Oh, by the way, your wife
is so sweet and lovely.

Thank you for saying so.

And kind, yeah, and so
attractive and sexy.

Yeah, she's a force
of nature.

Kind of like
a hurricane.

[laughing]

- Please sit down.
- Oh, sure, sure, sure, sure.

Can I get you anything?

- Oh, no thanks, I'm fine.
- You're fine?

So you must be wondering
why I asked you to come?

Yeah.

Um, I'm trying to figure
out exactly how to put this.

Maybe I should just
come out and say...

Just having a little
trouble figuring out

exactly what
I'm gonna say.

Maybe I should just come
right out and just say it.

Yeah, just say it. [chuckles]

Would it be possible,
do you think,

for you and my son,
Nelson, to...

It would be a really great thing
if you and my son could...

If you and he somehow...?

You want me
to screw Nelson?

[laughs]
Yeah.

I know how it sounds.

Um, it's just not
gonna happen.

- No?
- No.

He's a very good looking boy,
don't ya think?

Oh yeah, he's very
handsome and charming.

And...

[upbeat music]

[cork popping]

[Marty] And?

Gay.

Yeah. There is that.

I mean, but you
knew that, right?

I know that.
See, here's what I'm thinking.

Sybil, you are,
you are so beautiful.

You are such a sexy, if
you don't mind my saying so.

I'd like to see Nelson...

Well, I don't want to see but if
you and Nelson could somehow...

Then after that,
a woman like you,

maybe my boy would veer
in a different direction.

No, I don't think
that's gonna happen.

I mean, we like each other,
but you know,

in a friendship,
friendship kind of way.

Couldn't your friendship
go a little deeper

for 10 or 15 minutes?
He's my only son.

Could you imagine
how I feel?

I'm just thinking you're
the only woman

that's even close to
being in his life.

Maybe...
I'm begging ya, Sybil,

I'm begging, I'm down
on my knees. I'm begging.

If you, ow, okay.

Are you okay?

Come on.

Oh, sorry.

Oh, I'm sorry.

That's okay.

See, this is exactly
what I mean.

If my boy would be as close
to you as I am right now,

if his body was up against yours
just like mine is right now,

if he touched you,
if he was this close,

if he could see your eyes,
your skin, your hair,

if he saw your lips, he
wouldn't be able to resist.

That's just
not gonna happen.

Okay.

- Are you okay? Yeah?
- Oh, I'm fine.

Thank you very much
though for considering him.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

I'm sorry if I took
things the wrong way.

It's okay.

- Bye.
- Bye bye.

[door closes]

That went well.

- Oh, excuse me.
- It's okay.

Wait a minute.
Don't I know you?

I don't think so.

Oh, I've seen you.
In the men's room.

No, I've never been in
your men's room before.

Trust me.

But your picture
doesn't do you justice.

You are a vision of
God's gift to beauty.

Come here.

Now, that's a real man.

Whew.

[birds chirping]

[Marty] Is there coffee yet?
Oh, okay.

Good morning, Martin.

I want to meet his parents.

Who's parents?

Angelo's.

I don't think
I'm ready for that.

It's time, Martin.

It's time.

I want to get to know
his family,

and I'm sure he would like
to get to know us a little.

Why? So we can find out
which one's the bride

and we'll know who's paying
for the wedding?

Martin, it's obvious our son
has decided to settle down.

Yeah, well, I don't think it
was a match made in heaven.

Maybe it is.

Maybe it is, and that's the
only answer that I can find

acceptable right now.

- I want to meet his parents.
- Oh, God.

I am Nelson's mother,
and I am entitled.

Maybe you can meet them

some time after I've had a
heart attack and dropped dead.

- Martin, please.
- We're going. I'm thrilled.

- It's important.
- Absolutely.

Happiest day of my life.

I love you, Martin.

Kill me now.

Look, all I'm asking is
that you guys just meet them.

No.

I'd like to meet
Nelson's mother.

Why?

So I can talk to her.

Maybe share some
feelings with her.

I think it was very nice
of her to even suggest

that we get together.

It tells me
where her heart is.

Come on, pop.

I don't like the way
they treated you

and the way they treat
their own son.

Come on. I can make a nice
dinner right here at the house.

What is this, an
engagement party?

If we're gonna meet
these people,

it's not gonna be
in this house.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Not in our house and nowhere
in our neighborhood either.

Well, where then?

You want to meet them,

they're Italian, what about
an Italian restaurant?

[Carmine]
An Italian restaurant?

What do you want a
contract on my life?

What are you talking about?

Listen, honey,
we're Sicilian, right?

The boys find out back
home, I'm good as dead.

I'm gonna be
sleeping with the fishes.

Carmine, stop it.

You're blood pressure's
going up,

and you're gonna give us
both a heart attack.

Now, we're gonna
meet them,

so where do you want
to do it?

They're Jewish, right?

Let's go for Chinese food.

Your father would never go
into a Chinese restaurant.

They're too many people
he could run into.

What about Sushi?

Oh, forget it. The Japanese
buy from us. They're out.

And besides that,
I hate anything raw.

I say if it's still breathing
throw it in the ocean.

While you're at it, forget about
the Vietnamese, the Korean

and the Thais because
they're all Hirsch buyers

so anything Asian
is unacceptable,

and these days don't
even think French

and Italian is too heavy
and Mexican gives me gas.

- Take off your coat.
- We're not staying long.

Oh, yes we are.

- Hello.
- Oh, hi.

[Shirley] I hope we haven't
kept you waiting.

Oh, no.
We just got here.

This is my husband,
Martin.

- Marty.
- Hi, I'm Teresa.

My friends call me Terry.

Well then, I'm
gonna call you Terry.

And this is my husband, Carmine.

- Nice to meet you.
- How do you do, Carmine?

My pleasure.
Nice to meet you.

- I'm Marty.
- How are you?

This is our daughter, Andrea.

She's lovely, and that's our
very handsome son, Anthony.

How do you do,
very handsome son.

How are you?
Nice to meet you.

[Shirley] Well, shall we sit?

Yeah.

[Russian accent]
What is everybody drinking?

- Oh.
- Oh boy.

How you doing?

- Go ahead.
- Thank you.

I'd like a glass of
white wine, please.

No wine.
Only vodka.

How about a strawberry daiquiri?

No, ma'am.
Only vodka.

I guess I'll have an only vodka
on the rocks, please.

I'll have an only vodka, too.

I'd like my straight up
a little chilled

with two olives on the side.

Okay, only vodka.

I don't think he
heard about the olives.

- You sir?
- Me?

Let me have one of
those Russian beers.

I'll have a beer, too.

Only vodka.

[Both men]
Only vodka.

Sounds like a broken record.

I'll have vodka.

No, you're gonna have a coke.

I'll have a vodka.

No, she's gonna
have what he's having.

No vodka.

You want to get a bottle?

Yeah. Let's get a bottle.

Vodka, only vodka.

That brand.
What's that brand?

The only brand.

Only vodka.

I hope the food's good.

I want to thank you

for suggesting that we
get together like this.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Did you hear that,
Martin?

Yes, nice, yeah.

You know, I'm glad in a way that
Nelson and Angelo didn't come

so we could talk more
openly about, you know,

what we need to
talk openly about.

My sentiments as well.

I brought some photos of
Angelo when he was growing up.

I did, too.

I brought pictures
of Nelson.

- Can we order?
- Yeah, let's...

You know, my
stomach's growling here.

What's the rush?
We've got all night.

- Let's order. What do you say?
- Martin, wait. Relax.

Here's Angelo when
he was a year old.

Oh, my God.

Is he gorgeous?

Thank you.

Look, Marty,
is he gorgeous?

Yeah. He's naked.

How come he's on his belly
with his ass in the air?

Oh, stop.

That's how all one-year-old
babies are photographed.

This is Nelson at
his bar mitzvah.

Oh, he's very handsome.

Oh, Carmine, look.

Oh, looks a little pale
in all that long hair.

Looks like a girl.

He's only 13.

Boys don't even
shave when they're 13.

I started shaving
when I was eight.

Started shaving his back
when he was eight.

Here's one of Angelo
when he was confirmed.

Oh, beautiful.

Oh, here's Nelson
in high school.

Oh yes.
Isn't he handsome?

Look.

[laughs]

You want to share
that thought?

No, I don't think so.

I don't think you want to
hear what I have to say.

- No, why don't you just say it.
- Say what?

Say there's
something wrong with my kid.

I never said there was
anything wrong with your kid.

- You said something.
- Marty?

- With that little...
- I didn't say anything.

Marty, I would love to dance.
Let's dance. Come on.

I don't think you
can dance like this.

Want to see a picture
of my son?

This is Angelo,
golden gloves champ,

feather weight.

- Oh yeah.
- That's my boy.

That's when you land
on your feet, right?

Can I have the
vodka, please?

Sure. You want to see
my kid, he's a sportsman?

Look at him.
See him on skis?

- Yeah.
- He's almost Olympic.

Almost Olympic?

I didn't know they gave out
medals for almost Olympic.

Well, well, well.
What do we have here?

Your son was a cheerleader,
a freaking male cheerleader.

What about this one over
here with your kid in a skirt?

It wasn't a skirt.
He was acting in a play.

He played Julius Caesar
in high school.

- He was a thespian.
- Oh, my condolences.

It started in high school.

I'm sorry about that.

What the hell is your problem?

My kid didn't even know what
gay was until he met your kid.

I think your son
kind of converted him.

Dad, you don't make people gay
like a Dr. Frankenstein thing.

People are either
born gay or they're not.

Maybe you should
listen to your daughter.

Let me ask you something.

How do you know your son
wasn't a finocchio

before my son came along?

- I don't even know what a...
- Finocchio.

What the hell is a finocchio?

It's like a faygala.

It's not a very
nice thing to say.

This would probably be perfect
for the Jerry Springer show.

I mean you might as well make
some money while we're at it.

This is better
than Springer.

Oh yeah.

[door closes]

Shirley,
what are you--

What?

- Shirley.
- What do you want?

It's electric. If you want gas,
it's down there.

Oh. What? You want me down
on my knees?

That's not a bad idea.

Listen, the least
you could do,

if you want to
kill yourself,

you could at least
have taken me with you.

Oh, honey.

[dramatic music]

[Nelson] I wish we could just
get on a boat,

sail away, find an island,
just be free.

There are no islands
like that.

I mean, there are, they're
just like really expensive.

- You know what I mean.
- Yeah, I do.

Hey, and you are
a very sweet man.

Hey, where'd did you go?

What?

I need to know
where you stand.

I don't want to hear any more
crap about boats and islands.

We already live
on an island, right?

Our love is like
our very own island.

We already told
our parents.

- What more do you want?
- Uh-uh.

That's not enough,
hot dog.

I love you, and I want to
take the next step,

you know,
what we talked about?

[romantic music]

Sophie, what channel?
Marty, turn on the TV.

They're on TV.

- Who's on TV.?
- Who? Our boys.

- What?
- Channel five. Turn it on.

A gay couple living together
making a life together

has just succeeded in tackling
one of the most controversial issues

in recent years.

Nelson Hirsch and Angelo Ferraro
are getting the governor

and the director of
the welfare department

for the state of New York to
give them an adoption license.

These two young gay men
are adopting a child,

which they will raise
together in their home.

How do you feel about the
opposition on your decision?

You know, we're just so
thankful to the lord almighty

that we live in this great
and courageous country

that allows us the freedom to
live by our individual truths.

We just want the same
rights as any other family.

Yeah, and that
means having kids.

I mean, the only thing
we haven't decided is

whether or not our son's
gonna be Jewish or Catholic.

He has to be Jewish.

There you have it.

Nelson Hirsch
and Angelo Ferraro,

a happy father
and a happy father.

Turn it off.

Good morning,
Mr. Hirsch.

[indiscreet chatter]

Shirley.

Oh, hello, Sophie.

How have you been?
You don't call.

You don't write.

We never get a chance to
see you and Marty anymore.

Well, there's a good
reason for that, Sophie.

So what's new?

What's new?

Speaking of news, what
do you think of the news?

- The news.
- You never called me back.

Sophie, you know,
I don't watch the news.

I don't know what
was on the news.

Congratulations.

Finally,
you're a grandmother.

Nelson had a baby, and I didn't
even know he was seeing anyone.

Sophie, do you know the
Yiddish word for fuck off?

Ge kaken af em yam?

That's it, but I like
fuck off much better.

- Up yours.
- Shirley!

Oh, Sophie,
just leave me alone.

Come on, Shirley.

Come on.

Listen, everybody
knows about Nelson.

You have to be brave.

You have to face the
realities of life.

I don't know.

I don't know why.

Oh, Sophie, you don't understand
what I've been going through.

I mean, Martin doesn't
understand what's going on

and you don't know
the pain I've been in.

I know.
I've lived with it for 20 years.

I know.

You know about Max?

I do. I just found out,
and I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry.

Well, it's not that bad.

No, stop.

Every now and then, ACDC.

You know what?
I can't believe it.

I just can't believe
it's true.

You learn to live with it,
and you move on.

Whatever makes people
happy is all that matters.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

Every time the phone rings
I feel like I'm in court

giving testimony
in my son's defense.

Yeah. I don't answer
the phone anymore.

Even when it doesn't ring,

I know there are thousands
of people out there

dying to call me.

I'm going to avoid our family
for the rest of our lives.

Shirley.

Oh, and I don't
want a telephone.

I want all the listed
numbers unlisted.

I can't handle this, Marty.
I'm not strong enough.

[phone ringing]

Don't answer it.

Hello.

Oh, Sophie. [chuckles]

Yeah.

They're on?

Marty, they're on.

[On TV]
Thank you, Jack.

This is Christine Anderson
reporting live from downtown,

and unfolding behind me is
what was, until 30 minutes ago,

a quiet, peaceful demonstration,
which escalated very rapidly

into something at the
other end of the spectrum.

Now, from what we understand,
there has been a police presence

on location all morning, and
there are reinforcements

on their way which are
quite needed at this point.

At the heart of the controversy
is the adoption of a baby

by a gay couple, two young men,
Nelson Hirsch

and Angelo Ferraro.

Equal rights!

[crowd chanting]

You bunch of fruits.

You're just mad because no
one will have a baby with you.

Excuse me, please.
I got to find my son.

- Hey!
- Here you are.

Hi, sweetheart.

- Hi.
- Nelson.

- Oh God, look.
- You started this, huh?

[Shirley] Here comes my
mashuganasister-in-law.

I saw the boychik
on television.

I thought I could
maybe lend a hand.

Come on.
Come on in.

Oh, look at those people.

[chanting]
God hates gays!

[chanting]
Equal rights!

Excuse us.

[Shirley] Oh, hi, Terry.

- Are you okay?
- Dad, what are you doing here?

What do you think
I'm doing here?

- Come on, look at this.
- Got a little action here?

- Are you ready or what?
- To do what?

See that asshole over
there with the bald head?

The one that looks
like a cue ball?

- You gonna take him?
- No, he's for you.

- Oh.
- Bunch of mooks, huh?

Yeah, it's genetics.

You want a piece
of me?

[chanting]

You don't mean to deal
with me, right?

No, no, no.
We got Nicky here.

Nick, you ready?

The guys are starving
for this man. Let us go.

Come on Carmine.
Let's do it.

- You want us?
- Come on.

- You ready?
- Come on.

- Say semper fi.
- All right. Semper fi.

Yeah.

[overlapping yelling]

[Carmine] Yeah, Nicky.
That's it. Hit him.

Get off me, you ape.

[Police] Break it up.

Let me tell you something,
melon head.

Stay out of my neighborhood and
keep your remarks to yourself.

[Martin] I thought you said
he was for me?

- You all right?
- No.

Let me reiterate.

I see you again,
me and my buddy here

are gonna send you to Sicily
on two separate boats.

- Are you hurt?
- I'm all right.

- He's okay. He's a trooper.
- Okay. I'm all right.

[Reporter] Excuse me, ma'am.
Ma'am?

Are you willing to talk to
us for a moment, please?

Well, I... my husband's been
hurt, and I have to go.

Can you just tell us
why you're here today?

Well, I...
Just for a minute, okay?

I belong here.

These people here are my
family, and I'm Shirley.

I'm Shirley Hirsch,

and I am the proud mother
of my son, Nelson.

And I'm the proud grandmother
of my grandchild,

the child of Nelson
and Angelo,

and I'm just very happy
to be here today,

very, very happy.

Is there anything else you'd
like our viewers to know today?

Yes.

I want them to know that
they have the right

to love anyone that
they so choose to,

that they can love anyone.
Thank you, bye.

Thank you for
talking to us.

Very moving indeed.

This is Christine Anderson,
reporting live from downtown.

Back to you, Jack.

[doors opening]

[traditional Italian music]

[Photographer]
Everybody's coming out.

Good.

Okay, I need both families
right here on the steps.

Both families.

Hirsch family over here.

- Congratulations.
- He's beautiful.

He's snoring.

Ferraro family over here.

Oh, let me see
that beautiful baby.

- Great.
- Are we proud or what?

- Smile.
- That's good.

- Now, hold it.
- What are you doing here?

Stop everything.
Nobody move.

This boy will be circumcised.

Who is this lunatic?

This is my uncle Moishe.

Say hello to uncle
Moishe everybody.

[All]
Hi, Moishe.

This boy is a member
of my family.

He gets circumcised.

What are you gonna circumcise
him on the church steps?

Where else?
It's perfect.

Why do you want
to snip him?

The boy's gonna
need every inch.

[laughs]

Look who's talking.

Who's the father of this baby?

[both] He is.

And the mother?

Well, he is.

- What?
- Hey, come on Moishe.

Get in the picture here.

Moishe, let me
unburden your soul.

I have a unique
perspective.

Come on, everybody.

Okay everybody, big happy smile.
Here we go.

- Smile, please.
- Here we go. Big smiles.

Here we go. One, two...

- Cheese, uncle Moishe.
- [shutter clicks]

♪ Everywhere around the world ♪

♪ people try to
find a way to say ♪

♪ what's really
going on inside ♪

♪ it's playing on your mind
but you can't describe it ♪

♪ father, mother,
brother, sister ♪

♪ everybody's always
running for cover ♪

♪ nobody can hide for long ♪

♪ they're singing it
in every song ♪

♪ the word is love ♪

♪ don't be scared to say it ♪

♪ the word is love ♪

♪ don't give up ♪

♪ the word is love ♪

♪ anyway you play it ♪

♪ the word is love ♪

♪ everyone around the world ♪

♪ needs a hand to hold
when the sky is falling ♪

♪ the man that
never sees a lie ♪

♪ reaches for the sun at
the stroke of midnight ♪

♪ father, mother,
brother, sister ♪

♪ everybody's always
fighting each other ♪

♪ got to learn to get along ♪

♪ giving up before it's gone ♪

♪ the word is love ♪

♪ don't be scared to say it ♪

♪ the word is love ♪

♪ don't give up ♪

♪ the word is love ♪

♪ anyway you play it ♪

♪ the word is love ♪

♪ you will never
feel like you like ♪

♪ living on the edges
of your lie ♪

♪ you don't want to wake up
wondering why ♪

♪ you had never said
what's on your mind ♪

♪ the word is love ♪

♪ don't be scared to say it ♪

♪ the word is love ♪

♪ don't give up ♪

♪ the word is love ♪

♪ anyway you play it ♪

♪ the word is love ♪

♪ don't be scared to say it ♪

♪ the word is love ♪

♪ don't give up ♪

♪ the word is love ♪

♪ anyway you play it ♪

♪ the word is love ♪

♪ oh yeah,
the word is love ♪

♪ The word is love ♪

♪ don't be scared to say it ♪

♪ the word is love ♪

♪ don't give up ♪

♪ the word is love ♪

♪ anyway you play it

♪ the word is love ♪

♪ don't give up ♪

♪ the word is love ♪

♪ anyway you play it ♪

♪ the word is love ♪

♪ oh yeah, the word is love ♪♪