Ovid and the Art of Love (2016) - full transcript

[pencil scratching on paper]

[man] So these are stories of
transformation and you can see

that we don't find out what
Phoebus, the nominative noun,

loves until all the way
at the end of the line,

and everything else
comes in between.

- That is P-H-O-E-B-U-S...
- [school bell rings]

[man] And... oops, I shouldn't
have written that extra "E"

on the board.

[kids laughing]

[indistinct chatter]

[distant train horn blares]



[distant train horn blares]

[distant siren]

[dogs barking]

♪ soft acoustic music ♪

[Ovid] My name is
Publius Ovidius Naso,

although I would later
become better known as "Ovid."

I was born in a time of peace.

♪♪♪

There was a rape and a murder
here just the other day!

You best be careful!

[man] Please, Your Majesty,

we ask for your clemency!

We were captured on
orders and forced to fight.

[whispers]



You must die.

[man] No.

No.

No!

No! [screams]

Your Majesty, Your Eminence,

I never knew Mark Antony!

I was in the third infantry!

[screams]

- [axe slices]
- [screams]

- [soft crying]
- [sighs]

[man cries softly]

[knocking]

[baby cooing]

What do you want?

We've come on official
business from your father.

Bugger...

Your father is trying
to consolidate power

which of course means...

strengthening ties
to his generals.

He wants you to marry Tiberius.

Tiberius is married.

Well, of course
there'll be a divorce.

I'm still grieving my
late husband's passing.

Tiberius' mother is...

his wife, my step-mother.

What other ties does he need?

You know how much
your father cares about

the importance of family.

I have my family.

I'm happy here.

I'm afraid your
father's decision is

the law of the land.

This isn't a monarchy
or a dictatorship.

♪ soft ominous music ♪

[Ovid] It was during this
time of peace I was born.

[Crispus] Hey man,
you got a coin?

[Ovid] Uh, yeah.

Tough times?

While I was at war, my wife
got sick, I got injured...

[Ovid] What war?

- This is a time of peace.
- Peaceful for the people

living within this nation.

But what about our
fighting overseas

with our barbarous
neighbors up north?

Where do you think all our
Treasury money is going?

- [coins jingle]
- Um...

After years of civil war,

the newly anointed Emperor
Augustus had finally brought

peace to the Roman Empire...

by silencing the opposition.

[Senex] We are glad to have
at our helm, a man, again,

who is not only such a
capable leader and general,

but one who truly
understands Roman values

and our way of life:

the Republic, the Senate,

and the great
establishments of this Empire.

Senex...

- May I call you "Senex?"
- Of course.

We are to be friends.

I can't tell you how much
it pains me not to have

more noble families represented.

In this Empire, we believe
in electing our government.

I would not be
Roman if I didn't.

I want to thank you
for coming to see me.

We shall see more
of you, I suppose.

[Augustus] But of course.

Then you are really determined
to restore the Republic?

[Augustus] I have no choice.

After all the bloodshed...

civil wars...

it's your firm leadership that
finally brought us to peace.

- Tiberius...
- What, Mother?

Cleary, if we are
to maintain peace,

we must appease the
people and noble families.

We have to restore the Republic.

Then how do we consolidate power

and keep control?

We give them values.

We give the people
something to believe in.

[chanting]

[Ovid] So how did I, a nice
boy from small-town Rome,

end up in the big city,

the capital itself, become the
most popular poet of my day,

and end up in trouble
with the brutal Emperor?

My story starts in
the small town of Sulmo,

where we lived a simple
agrarian way of life.

My parents' generation
had known only war.

but thanks to the Pax Augustus,

the peace created
by Emperor Augustus,

- we had known only tranquility.
- [Karina] Ovid!

Ovid, the men are here for you!

The Emperor's men
are here for you!

They came all the
way from Rome, Ovid!

[Ovid] Apparently,
being from a small town

and of equestrian rank gave me
the [chuckling] "right values"

that qualified me to be a Paul.

[Karina] Ovid! Ovid!

[Ovid] And just like that,
they intruded on my life.

Of course you'll go.

It's not even a question.

[Ovid] Is it a
rhetorical question?

- Don't be witty.
- I'm not being witty...

- I'm being rhetorical.
- Stop being smart, Ovid.

Isn't that what politicians
are supposed to be?

Not necessarily.

[Karina] I don't understand
your resistance to this.

Here you've been
hand-selected by the Emperor,

by His Eminence,
Ceasar Augustus,

to receive the best education
you could possibly receive,

to work for the government, and
you want to throw it all away...

because you'll miss the
babbling brook at the end

of the property and the dirt
road you played on as a child.

- Uh... yeah.
- Not to mention...

Just a side-note:

for any of you out there who
though you were the first one

to be completely misunderstood
by your parents...

this was 31 BCE.

And you've been hand-selected
to help the senate more

fairly represent the
outlying provinces,

so that you could
help this great Empire

reach it's potential,

so that you can make society
a better and just place

to live in.

- My name is "nose."
- Gods bless Rome!

- My name is "nose."
- I don't understand, Ovid.

Are you listening to me?

The boy is complaining
about his name again, Karina.

Our name is "Naso,"
that means "nose!"

Let's just say I learned
a lot and did really well.

How far do you
really think I'd get?

All hail our great leader
and national hero, Mister...

or should I say Senator Nose.

[Karina] What was that?

He really knows... oops, pardon
my pun... how to sniff out

the bad and find the good.

What did you say,
Publius Ovidius Naso?

I hated when they addressed
me by my full name.

[angrily speaking Latin]

I hated when they
used their formal Latin.

[angrily speaking Latin]

The Cicero quotes
were the worst.

This particular one
was from when Catalin

had stormed into the Roman
Senate after he betrayed it.

[angrily speaking Latin]

[angrily speaking Latin]

Look what you've done to your
mother in this time of peace.

Is this why your grandfather
fought with the Roman Legions?

Is this why... your uncle
is fighting right now

against Mark Antony
in the Battle of Actium

all the way in Egypt?

Carpe Diem, Ovid.

Seize the day.

[Ovid] And just like
that, it was settled.

I would go to Rome.

♪ upbeat hip-hop ♪

[Max] Hey, man.

Hey. Hi.

You new here?

[Ovid] Uh, yeah, I j...
I just got here.

Oh, Maximilius, by the way.

But you can call me... "Max."

I'm, uh...

Ovid.

It's nice to meet you, Max.

So what brings you
to the city, man?

I was recruited by
the government so...

law and government, basically.

Oh, one of those!

I get it; pass a few laws,
preside over a few executions,

hobnob with the Emperor's
people, I get it.

[Ovid] No, that
wasn't exactly the plan.

I'm just fucking with you, man.

I mean, maybe a
little execution?

[laughs] I'm not...
I'm fucking with you!

Chill...

Anyway, it's a great city.
Been here five years,

never gets old.

- After all, this is Rome, man!
- [toilet flushes]

The capital of our Empire,

the center of our
universe, you know?

It's got great nightlife, great
shopping, and oh, the women.

Hey, that's why they call it
"the city that never sleeps,"

you know what I'm saying?

'Cause it...
everyone's... having sex.

Anyway, uh...

I... I gotta run,
but take it easy.

Look me up if you
ever need anything.

5E. [clicks tongue]

[Julia moaning]

That's enough.

That's enough,
let's join the others.

[lively music and laughter]

[Julia] Oh, look,
my father's podium.

Careful...

we might ask you
to preside instead.

Senex, my darling! [kiss]

- How are you?
- Oh!

As good as ever, my dear.

I miss you, Senex!

I never see you at the
Capitoline building,

where all you Senators
supposedly work.

You might not miss me so
much if they ever restored

the actual powers
of the Roman Republic.

Mwah!

- You were always my favorite.
- [chuckles]

Maybe I can help.

Please do!

[banging gavel] Order!

Order...

I never thought I'd see you
wielding your father's gavel.

Well, you know how much
blood ties and family values

mean to us.

Good evening,
fine citizens of Rome!

[applause]

In honor of the 15th
year of the Restoration

of the Republic,

through no
democratic vote at all,

we have appointed our Emperor
Ceasar Augustus' daughter,

Julia, to take his place
at his almighty podium.

And to see how she,

through the barter of
sexual favors... [laughter]

might fix the current
political situation.

[laughter]

[bangs gavel]
First on the docket:

world hunger.

It has come to my attention
that in the developed world,

while those of us in the upper
classes have plenty to eat,

everyone else seems to be out
of work and, at times, starving.

My solution?

Fellatio. [laughter]

Yes, one lucky man, or
woman, as the case may be,

who can solve this
problem of inequity,

institutionalized by
our governing order,

will receive a blowjob
from yours truly.

[laughter and murmurs]

And remember, this
is no ordinary spit!

The spit that will alight
your dong is royal saliva...

[laughter]

passed down from the
divine Emperor himself.

[laughter]

Okay!

Second on the list:

true restoration of
the Roman Republic.

- [applause]
- At last!

It has come to my attention,

through my position as royal
baby-maker and diaper-changer...

that while we supposedly have
a representative government,

this representative
government has no actual power.

Furthermore...

it appears that the Senators
have nothing better to do

than hang out with
this divine baby-maker...

since no senatorial
work is being done at all.

To solve this, I offer you...

[soft laughter and whooping]

I offer you the whole package...
[laughter and whooping]

cunnilingus and all.

[laughter and applause]

Stop, Julia!

Stop.

This is too much.

Lepidus.

Your father will be outraged.

[indistinct shouting]

So today, we will be looking
at the Augustan Law Code,

and in particular, updates
since the Pax Augusta

was established,

along with the
Restoration of the Republic.

Okay.

Can everyone flip to page two?

[Max] Psst!

Maximilius, what
are you doing here?

[Max] Shh.

I go to school here.

- What?
- Today, we will be looking at

new laws,

such as the Lex Julia
De Maritanis Ordinibos,

and the Lex Julia De
Adulteriis Coercendis.

- Can anyone tell me...
- You go to school here?

I thought you were
making fun of me for being

a law student government type.

[snorts] Yeah, I was.

Well, that's my
nighttime persona.

- Your what?
- My nighttime persona.

For the uptown clubs
and the art scene.

I, like, play music and shit.

Your "nighttime persona."

Lex De Maritandis Ordinibos.

Roman males who do
not marry are to remain

under the financial
guardianship of their fathers.

So this is your daytime persona?

Uh, yeah.

[Gaius] Does everyone have that?

It should be fairly
straight-forward.

This law is clearly intended
to promote marriage and family.

Look, man, it's not that weird.

A lot of poets do it.

- Poets?
- Poets.

You know, the people
that are speakin',

the words that
you're hearin'.

Pow. Poetry!

Okay, next, uh, Lex Julia
De Adulteriis Coercendis.

- What?
- Gentleman in the first row

seems to have something to say.

Or perhaps your neighbor,
the young lady in the glasses,

can assist you.

It's a law recently
enacted to stamp out adultery.

It states that both
offenders will be exiled

to two different islands,

and the adulturous man
will lose half his property.

Very good.

One indiscretion, two islands.

Okay, great, moving on.

Why would Augustus
try to legislate

and govern people's
private lives?

Roman values.

How could you do this?!

My own daughter!

My own bloodline!

Don't you know how hard I am...

trying, trying

to bring Rome back

to its glorious state?

All the people that
I'm trying to satisfy?

To... to encourage

and promote

good values, like
family and marriage?

And now this?

This, holding public revels...

and bartering sexual favors at...

at my...

my sanctified podium.

I just figured...

What?

I figured...

since I gave sexual
favors to my husband,

your step-son, Tiberius,

for the advancement
of your career...

surely, I could help out by
offering them to others, too.

It gives me great pleasure
to introduce you to the...

penitentiary juris,

otherwise known as
"the prison of law."

[Ovid] Is there any other kind?

[Gaius] You could almost
hear the daily sentencing

in the background.

Meticulis, 10 years.

Octiganalius, 40 years,
possession of cannabis.

♪ cheery music ♪

Ovid, are you paying attention?

Yes, yeah, uh...

theft, uh, life for
theft of Herculean statue.

- Statue of Hercules.
- Good.

Tomorrow, we will resume here to
witness an actual working trial.

I see real promise in you all.

♪♪♪

[Gaius] Ovid!

♪ Oats, oats and beans
and barley grow ♪

♪ Oats and beans
and barley grow ♪

♪ Nor you or nor I
nor anyone know ♪

♪ How oats and beans
and barley grow ♪

What happened to your friend?

I think he's got
the love bug bad.

He saw a beautiful
girl in the courts today.

Possibly two, I'm
still unclear about it.

[drunkenly] I love her.

[sighs]

I love... I love her.

Ah, the, uh, "I see you
and now I'm in love" bug.

No.

Now, I'll never see her again.

[laughs]

Well, listen, if you boys
aren't busy tomorrow night,

I'm doing a poetry
slam at the Olive Tree.

Yeah, totally.

We would love to be
there, wouldn't we, Ovid?

- Yes! Yes!
- Yes, we would.

Yes.

[laughs]

[Ovid] Yeah.

I'll try to make
sure he's sober.

That's probably a good idea.

♪ We've just about got
the city under control now ♪

- ♪ aggressive hip-hop ♪
- [indistinct shouting]

[woman] So in the case
of the Treasury versus

Liviana Romanolus,

will the prosecution
please call its last witness?

[man] The prosecution would like
to call the defendant herself,

Liviana Romanolus.

[woman] Will you please
hold the Jupiter statue

and raise your right hand?

Do you, Liviana Romanolus,

swear to tell the
truth, the whole truth,

and nothing but the truth,

so help you gods?

I do.

The prosecution may now start.

You okay, man? Rough night?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm fine.

So, how much did
you owe the Treasury?

4,000 aureus.

And how much did you pay
back at the end of the year?

Two...

I'm sorry, can you speak
up so everybody can hear?

200 aureus.

200 aureus.

That's... 3,800 aureus less

than you owed.

And did you not sign a contract
that said if you did not

pay back the sum
total of your loan

by the end of
this calendar year,

you would give up all of your
possessions, land, and house?

[Liviana] I did.

The defendant signed a
contract with the Treasury

that if she did not
pay back her loan,

- which she did not...
- [sneezes]

[man] She would have to
give up all of her property.

No further questions
at this time, your honor.

The prosecution rests its case.

Thank you, prosecution.

The defense may
now take the stand.

[woman] Yes, Your
Honor, thank you.

Why, Liviana Romanolus,

did you agree to take
the loan to begin with?

I did not.

[woman] You did not.

Then who did?

My husband.

Ooh...

The government, in an
effort to encourage farmers,

offered large loans
to buy land and oxen.

At the time, it
seemed like a good idea.

Our land was fertile...

and my husband was healthy.

And then the plagues hit.

And all of our oxen
and cattle were killed.

My husband became ill,
and he eventually died.

I had no way to pay
back the Treasury.

And all of our savings...

had gone to pay
the doctor bills.

And how did your name
end up on the contract?

Roman law states

that when the husband dies,

the wife inherits his wealth

or his debt.

So you were forced...

- to sign the document?
- Yes.

By law, I was.

[woman] And what will happen
to you and your daughters

if you lose your property?

We will be forced...

to the streets

to fend for ourselves.

[woman] The defense
rests its case.

We just ask that you act
with compassion, Your Honor.

I, of all people, understand
the few recourses that are left

for women of a
certain class in Rome.

However, you do understand
that the law is the law.

Man, you've gotta lay
off the fermented grapes,

you know what I'm sayin'?

You were singing "Oats and Beans
and Barley Grows" last night,

and that song doesn't sound
like it's gonna be around

for another half millennium.

Dude, I'm fine.

I just... I just gotta remember
to drink more water next time.

[sighs]

[bangs gavel]
Court is now in session.

Chief Scholar Gaius,
have you selected a pupil

to read the verdict?

I think Ovid would like to read

because he's been so
attentive during this trial.

Well?

[Ovid] Thank you, Your Honor.

No.

What do you mean "no?"

The verdict is "guilty."

I mean no, I'm
not gonna read it.

Do you realize it is your
duty as a student of law

and government in
the Empire of Rome?

I know.

And I'm not gonna read it.

Do you understand, young man,
that you will not achieve status

as a government official

if you do not comply
with your duties?

Then I'll be a poet.

[laughter]

My dear boy, that
is not practical!

Then it will be practical.

[indistinct shouting]

[Max] Ovid, are you crazy, man?

A poet?

Have you lost your mind?

I mean, it's one thing
to moonlight, like me,

but to go full-time and
just throw away your whole...

Plus, you were so damn
lucky that judge was

in a good mood today.

You could've been held
in contempt of court!

I'm a personal recruit
of the Emperor Augustus.

They'll never do that to me.

Hey, besides, man, I
hate to bring this up,

but your last name is "nose!"

And I just don't think you
can have a literary career

with the last name "nose."

Okay, I got it.

What are you gonna
do all day, man?

Just sit around and write about
your non-existent love life?

And who ever heard
of a practical poet?

That's like a cold
fire or an uncool Max,

you know what I'm sayin'?

♪ cheery music ♪

She's just...

[Augustus] What do
you mean by "restless?"

[Cornelia] Well, there are
those among the lower class

who are jobless and
lack other resources.

[Augustus] And you say
they're increasingly restless?

[Cornelia] Well...

they would at least like to feel
like they're not being ignored.

This drought's not
good for the economy.

- Will they revolt?
- Not yet.

But...

it would be my advice to somehow
start paying attention to them.

Lepidus.

Livia.

Then what do we do now?

I think we need to
provide a distraction.

- A distraction?
- Yes.

We need to remind them
what their country stands for.

The values and building blocks
that make this great Empire

the greatest in the world.

The reasons why countless Roman
legions have gone to their death

to protect us from those
blonde-haired, blue-eyed

barbarians up north.

We need to remind them
of their Roman values.

"Roman values," eh?

You mean "family values."

How am I supposed to do
that when my own daughter

undermines me at every turn?

I told you, Augustus,

she's making you
look like a hypocrite.

You need to rein her in.

[Augustus] Yes.

Thank you, dear.

Well, Your Honor, if I may
be so bold as to suggest...

a scapegoat.

A scapegoat?

A scapegoat.

A public shaming using Julia as
an example of what will happen

if you do not live up
to the moral foundations

that make this Empire great.

You know, of course, this
is my only living daughter.

No matter what her flaws may be.

Everyone loves a common cause.

We may be suffering,

but we have our values.

[Augustus] What say you?

Well, I haven't gathered
the data together yet, but...

I imagine what Lepidus
is saying could be correct.

[Augustus] All right.

An exile, then.

[Ovid] Hey, Max.

Agrippina.

Hey, man, hey.

If you were to go for
a leisurely stroll,

where would you go?

You do realize
the law is the law,

whether you read the
defendant's verdict or not?

Her goose is still cooked.

I mean, she's still going
to lose all her property.

You're just the messenger.

Look, if you... if you were
to go for a leisurely stroll,

where would you go?

Some people go to
school to study.

Fine, I'd go to the games.

[laughs] I would
go to a Colonite.

Octavia's.

No, maybe Pompeii's.

I mean, there was
this one time I was out

and there was
this man and...

By Jove, I think
we have something.

Who was that man?

I'm just kidding, Agrippina.

Who was that woman, though?

- What woman?
- You know...

the one at the courthouse.

- Oh...
- She was quite beautiful.

[scoffs] Her.

Well?

Well what?

[laughing] Who is she?

[sighs]

She's my father's
brother-in-law's cousin

twice removed.

Don't even think about it.

She's married.

Married?

Lex Julia De Adulteriis, bro.

Do you come here often?

It's a water fountain.

Yeah, I know.

It's, um...

it's good water, right?

Oh, yeah.

This is what I've always
wanted my entire life:

somebody who likes to
drink water as much as I do.

Yeah, it's... it's relatively
clean though, right?

It's not too acidic.

It hasn't got typhoid or
malaria, not in this one.

Don't you have anything better
to do than try and pick up women

by comparing the pH balance
of public water works?

Chocolate?

No.

Here's a hint for your
future conquests, green boy:

don't use gifts.

I'm either gonna
like you or I'm not.

And secondly, I'm married.

It is an arranged marriage...

but still, extramarital,
federal offense.

And if you do wanna
have an affair?

Use discretion.

Make friends with the maid.

Show-off your strengths.

You like art? Go
to an art museum.

You're strong? Then
show-off your muscles.

But don't use a water fountain
to try to pick up women.

Fuck's sake,
everybody likes water.

Don't I know you?

I don't know.

From the courthouse.

You're the practical poet.

[laughs]

Good luck with that.

♪ soft child-like music ♪

♪ upbeat funky music ♪

- Hey.
- Oh, hey.

Thank gods you're here!

I was worried about you, bro.

I was wondering what you
were up to since, you know,

- you dropped out of...
- No, I'm... I'm... I'm fine, man.

I... I... I figured
out some stuff to do.

My dad is pissed, though, man.

He says I'm gonna be a pauper.

Rough, man, rough.

Sorry about your money thing.

But, remember...

night persona [laughs]

and... and Max don't associate
with no law students, all right?

Okay, come on.

[indistinct chatter
and club music]

Not the ones that they've
imported from upper Germania.

The local farm-fresh
ones are to die for.

They're amazing.

Max! Hey!

You made it!

Thank you for coming.

Of course, Chlo.

You know we dig you.

Ovid, you came too.

It's good to see you.

I heard you're determined
to become a practical poet.

Oh, yeah, that was...

was... was pretty
stupid. [laughs]

Not that poetry's s... st... I...

I financially ruined my life.

Anyway...

yeah, it was pr... it was
pretty fuckin' stupid.

- [laughs] He's j...
- [groans]

Oh, uh, that's my set.

Well, if you like what you see,

you should try it.

Don't...

Be cool! Try and be cool!

[Ovid] Yo, ma'am! Hi.

Can I help you?

Uh, your mistress
is Corinna, correct?

Is that any of your business?

When is it easiest to
find Corinna by herself?

Why do you need to know?

Then she is Corinna.

Can I help you with
your load, then?

- Oh...
- Just...

[squeals]

Oh, my, Fabia.

I see you found
yourself a lover.

Well, good for you, Fabia.

I always knew you had it in you.

But really, here in the sheets.

- No.
- There must have been a more

- romantic spot.
- This isn't what it seems.

- I'm sure it isn't. [laughs]
- No.

I came here for you.

I saw you in the court and
I was struck by your beauty.

I'm sure you did, dear.

I know men can be
promiscuous these days,

but really, two
in one afternoon?

[laughs]

Fabia...

Well, the whole reason for
buying a local Estruscan

[inaudible] is so that
you can save the horseshoes

necessary for
transporting imported food

so we can divert the iron
resources for other projects.

Oh, my gods.

Look who's back.

[Octavius] What up,
yo, Olive Tree?

[crowd] What up, yo?

[Octavius] I said
what up, yo, Olive Tree?

[crowd] What up, yo?

- What a night, huh?
- Yes, sir!

- Some night, huh?
- [crowd] Yeah!

We talked society,

- we slammed, as usual.
- [crowd] Yeah.

And we just heard a war poem

from one of our
national heroes, huh?

Yeah, you can give
it up for Virgil!

[applause]

I guess that is why
we dominate the world.

[applause]

From the roots to the
truth, this is what we do!

Ladies and locusts,
Senators and soldiers,

- follow me to the Olive Tree.
- [man] Yes!

[Octavius] Our poetry,
poignant, powerful, honest.

And now...

now, the hour is upon us.

Let us open up the floor to new
voices we've not heard before,

- huh?
- [man] Yeah!

Might we have a
neophyte tonight?

Anyone, any two,
it's all up to you.

Even if you've
never read before

now is your time to shine,
because you know what we say?

[crowd] Seize the day!

[Octavius] You
know what we say?

[crowd] Seize the day!

[Octavius] One more time!

[crowd] Seize the day!

Let's seize the day!
[applause]

Any brave souls among us?

Ah!

Now, there's a man whose hand
I've not seen raised before.

Why don't you come
up here, young blood?

[applause]

Not yet, you've got to earn that
at the Olive Tree. [laughter]

- What's your name?
- [softly] Ovid.

- I can't hear you, please.
- Ovid.

- O... O... Ovid?
- Ovid.

- Ovid.
- Ovid.

Ovid. [laughter]

Okay, Ovid, the stage is yours.

[Ovid] Uh...

The... the poem is about love...

and it's called "Amores."

[man] "Amores?"

"The object of love?"

W... well, it also
means "lovers."

[man] "The object
of love?" [laughs]

Sounds like a love poem from
a lover who ain't gettin' any.

[laughter]

"Amores."

"Lovers."

It was sultry and... and the day
had driven out the middle hour.

Look, Corinna comes
veiled in an unbelted tunic

with her parted hair
covering her fair neck.

How flat her stomach,
how youthful her thigh.

Why do I need to
report on every feature?

I s... I saw nothing
not to... to...

I saw nothing not to praise
and I pressed her naked body

right up to mine.

[man] Uh, yup, clearly another
lover who wasn't gettin' any!

- [laughter]
- Does it help you to masturbate

to dream these
scenarios? [laughter]

[man] Totally lame. [laughter]

He just realized it! [laughter]

Get your lame ass off
the stage. [laughter]

- Oh... oh, come on, Ovid.
- He 'bout to cry!

- Ovid!
- He 'bout to cr... [laughs]

Come on, Ovid!

Is this cat a poet
or a pervert? [laughter]

Hey, that's your fourth
one this week, baby.

No, fifth, shit.

[laughter and applause]

So...

you completed one year at the
Academy of Law and Government

and yous dropped out.

Yes, that... that's correct.

But you were an Augustan recruit
from the Emperor's office?

Yeah, I'm from small-town Rome.

Equestrian class.

And you did say that
you completed one year

at the Academy.

A year and some, in fact.

Well...

I guess we could find you a job.

I do know we have a sentencing
position opening up, um...

Yes, here it is.

"A full-time paid position,

sentencing of
capital punishments.

Employee must read out
and certify death sentences

to accused criminals.

Bureaucratic experience a must.

Equestrian class preferred."

Well, you'd be good at
sentencing, wouldn't you?

I mean, they cover that
in first year, don't they?

Y... y... yeah.

Yeah, they do.

[sighs]

[knocking]

[Corinna] Fabia,
can you get that?

Fabia!

Coming!

I forgot it's my
maid's afternoon off.

Hello.

Oh my, it's Fabia's lover.

- I'm afraid she's not in today.
- No, Corinna...

I... I'm here for you.

My, you are fickle. [laughs]

Well, I never did think
Fabia had any taste, so...

May... may we speak
inside for a moment?

That's a bit forward,
don't you think?

I noticed you at the courts.

You watched with such intensity,

as though you suffered
with each passerby...

seeking justice for all.

And your beauty...

your gentle curls falling
over your face as if...

to mask your inner soul.

I'm married, you know.

But since you seek
solace with strangers...

a forced match.

You're not here for Fabia?

I offered to help your maid
and I tripped on the sheets.

You swear you're
not here for Fabia?

I swear.

What do you swear on?

By...

by Jove's mighty lightning bolt.

By your shaking limbs.

By Minerva,

the goddess of wisdom, herself.

Okay, come in.

♪ sexy music ♪

So, Mr. Ovid "The Nose,"

what do you do?

Well...

I'm a poet.

- A poet? [laughs]
- I guess.

And how are you going to
make any money with that?

I'm gonna be a practical one.

Practical?

Practical, indeed. [laughs]

Well, you have to stop
lounging around bedrooms

with married women.

[laughs]

[Agrippa] Any luck getting
that wound dressed?

We're in a time of peace.

Veterans don't get benefits.

But what about our
fighting over in Carthage?

Pssh.

That doesn't count.

It's beyond our borders!

Well...

there's trouble a-brewing
in this time of peace.

They say the number
of jobless is growing

and they have begun
to take to the streets.

I talked to Marcus
down in the Villa Romana?

It's not good.

[sighs]

What are they gonna do?

Occupy a Portico?

Look, everyone
has blades like you.

There could be violence.

No law in this city
bans a sword or dagger.

The Senate shot
that down last year.

Her wanton leaflets?

How can leaflets be wanton?

Wanton...

ringlets?

Her wanton ringlets.

You know, Ovid,

if you really wanna
be a practical poet,

maybe you should stop
trying to seduce women

and write a sensible
farmer's manual, like Virgil.

He tells people when to sow
seeds and when to harvest them.

And he says it all in verse.

Agrippina...

you're a genius!

You... [laughs]

Yes! Yes!

What is he up to now?

♪ upbeat lounge music ♪

Hey.

I gotta get on
the program tonight.

Excuse me...

who are you?

The greatness of Rome
was not built in one day!

And neither shall our
futures be built this way!

Rome number one.

[crowd, chanting] Rome
number one! Rome number one!

Let's put it there for
Virgil, everybody!

Let's put it there for Virgil.
[applause]

Huh?

You know he's right.

You know he's right!

I know he's ri...

When it comes to
military muscle?

[crowd] Rome's number one!

- When it comes to culture?
- [crowd] Rome's number one!

- When it comes to cuisine?
- [crowd] Rome's number one!

- Art!
- [crowd] Rome's number one!

- Philosophy!
- [crowd] Rome's number one!

- The ladies.
- [crowd] Rome's number one!

Rome is number one, yeah.

All right.

So next up...

[laughs]

another poet that, uh,

I believe some of you
have heard from once before.

Publius... Ovidius...
Naso. [laughs]

You can give him a little
bit, Olive Tree. [applause]

Eh... eh... not too much,
not... not too much.

[clears throat]

Ovid has returned.

[laughter]

I was preparing to
tell about weapons...

and violent war
in serious meter...

- when Cupid said...
- [man] Cupid!

The virgin love poet!

[laughter]

Oh, here we go.

When Cupid said,
and laughed...

"Who gave you, cruel boy,

this power over poetry?"

The virgin love poet!

[all] All hail the
virgin love poet!

[laughs]

If you wanted to find a
lover, where would you go?

[laughs]

The virgin love poet.

The virgin love poet! [laughs]

[Ovid] Where would you go?

Where have you gone?

Ah, shit, um...

[laughter]

That's what I thought.

What about you, sir?

After you found her,
how would you keep her?

How would he keep you, ma'am?

Yeah, how would you keep me?

I... I... I would, uh...
get her jewelry.

Chocolates?
[laughter]

And where would you find her?

[Polus] Through my mother.

[laughter]

Anyone in this crowd who does
not know the art of love-making,

let him hear my
expertise and gather my...

magic formula.

[crowd] Ooh!

Venus...

has appointed me the
very mastermind of love!

All hail the... virgin...

Pleasure and skill
provoke this work.

Pay attention, I
speak from experience.

[murmuring]

Aren't you being a bit racy?

Well...

anyone who hides their
body with long dresses

or wears delicate ribbons
as an emblem of decency...

- leave.
- [crowd] Ooh!

Rome has so many
luscious beauties.

If you desire youth,
1,000 girls abound.

Or, if you enjoy wiser ladies,
skilled from years of...

- experience...
- [crowd] Ooh!

They too, believe
me, will be plentiful.

So where do we find
these buxom beauties?

[laughter]

Walk slowly in the
shade to Romans Colinade.

Or the Portico, named after
that vendor Empress Livia.

Empress Livia's or
Pompeii's Portico?

Those are sacred
spots of the Empire.

- That's treasonous.
- Yes, and what if I'm married?

Ah, then the tiered theater
would be most fruitful for you.

There, you can find a lover

who you can have a
one-night-stand with,

or who you can...
play with for a long time.

[laughter]

What if she says no?

Yeah, what if I say no?

Even if she
rejects you, rejoice!

Why be discouraged when there's
pleasure in new delights?

Crops are more
abundant in another's field.

And the neighboring herd...
[whispers] has richer milk.

[laughter and applause]

[woman] That was marvelous.

Simply divine!

Where'd you come up
with an idea like that?

It's terribly naughty. [laughs]

Ovid the love poet.

You rocked it, man.

- You rocked it.
- Thank you.

Hey, hey, Ovid!

Where can I buy a copy, man?

I gotta get that shit.

For my friend.

You were heretical...

offensive...

a complete chauvanist...

and I loved every moment of it!

Ugh! That was amazing.

Thank you.

[indistinct shouting]

Congratulations, sir.

You've rid the land of the
Empire's worst adulterer.

Why, yes.

Perhaps now peace
and stability can ensue.

I struck the right
tone with my speech?

[Lepidus] Oh, yes.

I thought the parts about
commitment to the values

of the Roman people and
safeguarding the sanctity

of marriage were
particularly good.

Well, you know I've
always believed that

a good moral backbone
will make this nation great.

And... [laughs]

stability at home means
stability in the world,

doesn't it?

I just hope that Julia the
Younger does not turn out

like her mother.

What was that?

I hope that Julia the
Younger, your granddaughter,

does not turn out
to be like her mother.

And why would you say that?

Haven't we made an
example of her mother,

my only living daughter?

Well, yes, but you know that
most people who've committed

treason have been
sentenced to death.

Having her imprisoned away from
everything she's ever known,

cherished and loved,

showing that not even my...
my only daughter can escape...

when moral codes are violated.

Well, yes, love, my love...

but I have heard things.

Heard things?

Well, yes, things.

Heard what?

Well, that perhaps Julia
the Younger has inherited

some of her mother's traits.

She has been known to carry on
in not the most savory manner.

What a shame she wasn't
born of your blood.

Well, besides...

there's a young poet
of increasing popularity

named... Ovid.

Who's... Ovid?

Who is Ovid?

♪ soft dramatic music ♪

Darling...

you know I could spend
all day with you...

but my husband
comes back at four.

You know you can
come back tomorrow.

[giggles]

I know.

The age which is apt for war
is also suitable for love.

Lovers use the sleep of husbands

and move their weapons
after the enemies sleep.

[laughter and whooping]

[Corinna] How's
everything with the poetry?

[Ovid] Good.

Good.

[laughs]

Run slowly, horses of the night.

Why should I be punished
because your husband's feeble?

Surely, I did not match
you with an aging man.

[laughter]

[laughs]

Tacitus isn't your husband.

- Another lover?
- What is that?

Oh, something of
Fabia's. [laughs]

Silly Fabia.

You and I both
know that's a lie.

- All lovers are soldiers.
- [crowd] Mm-hm.

Believe me, even
Cupid has his own camp.

Both lover and solider
keep watch all night.

Those qualities which generals
look for in a brave soldier,

a beautiful girl seeks too.

And let your mistress
come and go as she pleases.

The husbands let this
happen with their wives.

With soft slumber,
add to the intrigue.

[cheers and applause]

[indistinct whispering]

Oh, my God!

- [cheers and applause]
- [laughs] Thank you.

- [woman] Great show!
- Thank you, thanks.

Thank you, thank you.

- Yo, hey.
- [man] Great show.

Thanks. Thank you, thank you.

[laughs]

- Yo! Hey!
- [laughs]

[laughs] Hey!

Hey, I... I hear you're doing
really well for yourself.

- Congrats.
- Things are great.

Where have you
been at lately?

- Well, you know, uh...
- Listen, man, I'm in.

You're gonna love it.

Nighttime persona's
gonna love it.

I've... I've got all
these hookups.

Virgil just gave me a call.

You gotta come out, man.

Well, that sounds great, but I...

I don't... do
that stuff no more.

What? What do you mean?

You know, for me, it's
like a balance and, uh...

daytime persona's
kinda... taking over.

You know, with me
and Agrippina, it's...

Wh... Agrippina?

Hey, Max don't associate
with no law school students.

Well, she's the smartest
in the class so Max kinda...

do associate with her

and it's getting pretty
serious, actually.

Okay, well, come on, man,
that doesn't mean you...

you can't still
have a good time.

Look, man, I have to
be a practical lawyer.

And...

well, Agrippina wants to
settle down and start a family,

and you...

you may be in real
trouble with the government,

I mean real danger if you
keep going on like this.

Uh, hey, man, keep it real.

- Yeah.
- Hey, you're missing out.

Hey, you know, Agrippina's the
best lawyer in the business.

Well...

since there might be trouble.

I'm, uh... real happy
for your success...

- and all.
- Thanks, man.

So you're Ovid?

You know, I've always
wanted to go home

with a man named "Nose?"

Well, then, perhaps
I'll nuzzle you.

Distance yourself from crime.

Be free of murder.

Trick only girls if
you have sense.

And cheat cheaters.

They sink into their own traps.

[snapping]

[indistinct whispering]

Ovid!

[Octavius] What up,
yo, Olive Tree?

[crowd] What up, yo?

[Octavius] I said what
up, yo, Olive Tree?

[crowd] What up, yo?

All right, look,
you're in for a treat.

Because this cat coming up
next truly earned his stripes

up here.

He is, without question,
our most popular poet.

Now, look, I don't know
what ladies love more,

his locks or his lyrics.

But they love him.

Reading from his best-selling
book, The Art of Love,

Ovid the love poet.

Come on, Ovid!
[cheers and applause]

- Let's get it, baby!
- [Ovid] What up?

Let's get it!

Come on, man.

These wicked verses, too, are
born of that small-town poet,

Naso, appointed by naughty love.

[laughter and applause]

Austere people,
stay at a distance.

This theater of illicit rhythm
is by no means suitable

for your tender ear.

- [man] Come on, now.
- [laughter]

To capture your
desire, swear on...

anything you like.
[laughter and applause]

♪ cool electronic music ♪

[man] Yeah, man, yeah.

♪♪♪

[indistinct whispering]

♪♪♪

Bring him in.

♪♪♪

[Julia] Who's there?

Crispus.

I am a plebeian.

What do you want?

I'm a friend of your mother's.

- The people...
- How do I know that?

What do you want?

There's unrest in the camp.

People are starving
and out of work.

There could be violence.

[cheering and beatboxing]

[Tacita] But what if
you're a prude, Ovid?

What if you're a prude?

Again, no long-skirted
respectable ladies

figure in my fun.

- [man] Yeah!
- [laughter]

What about gifts?

Don't use them.

The only gift you give should
be that of your own body.

[crowd] Ooh!

By which, of course, I
mean your wit and charm.

[laughter]

Oh, look, there seems to be a
beautiful woman waving at me.

See what I mean about
not needing material gifts?

[laughter]

What about the women, Ovid?

What about us?

[laughs] What about you?
[laughter]

I seem to devote a fair
amount of time to you.

[laughter]

But, I mean, all of
your writing is for men.

How to catch us,
keep us, tame us.

When do we get ours?

Do we have no say
in our destinies?

I guess the lady
does have a point.

- What is your name?
- Tacita.

Tacita, would you like
me to finish the poem?

[crowd] Yes!

That would be lovely.

How great Achilles was
in battle, so I am in love.

Celebrate me as
a prophet, lads!

Sing my praises!

Tell the world that I
have given you weapons!

- [cheers]
- [Ovid] Go out and use them

- to conquer!
- [cheers]

Hey, hey, hey.

Look, over there,
girls now ask for lessons.

I give over.

Yours shall be
my instant concern.

[Lepidus] In the
name of His Eminence,

Emperor Caesar Augustus...

- [gasps]
- Freeze.

[laughs]

Surely, you can't be arresting
me for finally giving advice

to the ladies.

You are hereby fined for
contempt of Roman policy.

Aren't we the center of
the enlightened universe?

[Lepidus] Don't get smart.

You have the right
to remain silent.

[murmurs and whispers]

[buzzer]

Geez.

[door clatters]

F......

[Ovid] Nice stone
collection you got there.

[Julia] Thanks.

[Ovid] Don't I know you?

How would I know?

Do you always pick
out special stones

to desecrate royal property?

[Julia laughs]

Don't worry, they're soft.

Be careful.

You might get us in
trouble with the state.

[laughs]

Isn't that why we're in here?

Well, that must be
why you're in here.

I'm in here for words.

Words?

Words.

So, what, are
you a great writer?

I'm no Virgil or Homer.

[laughs]

Then what, Mr. Writer,

if not an epic national
poem, do you write?

Sketches.

Sketches?

Sketches.

Trivialities,

love poems.

Then why are you here in the
federal gallows of the Emperor?

I mean, surely, those trite
words couldn't have plagued

the ear of His Eminence,
Caesar Augustus.

[laughs]

Well... it wasn't that.

You've heard of
Augustus' moral reforms?

How could I not?

Well, I wrote a book.

An instruction manual...

so to speak.

And... it was on
the art of love.

Our armies... burning and
pillaging villages out west.

Our slaves and our farmers
dying of plague and famine.

But Augustus decides to
reestablish Roman virtues

and family values.

I included a section on
how to have a love affair.

And his daughter,
one Julia the Elder,

is exiled for philandering.

So that was you.

So you have heard of me?

Who, then, my inquisitive
friend, are you?

[buzzer] [woman]
Julia, paging one Julia!

Well, then.

I am one Julia the Younger.

Oh.

[Julia] Granddaughter
to my jailer,

daughter... to the exiled Julia.

[buzzer] [woman] Julia,
one Julia the Younger,

granddaughter or His
Eminence, Caesar Augustus,

will you please
report to the gate!

Family connections aren't
what they used to be.

[buzzer]

That will be 500 aureus.

Weren't you that
prized Augustan recruit?

Yeah, yeah, I was.

You are lucky to get
away with just a fine.

Someone may have
been looking out for you.

For treason, you could
be sentenced to death.

Treason?

Death?

Well, you do know what
the charges are, don't you?

[Corinna] Ovid, darling.

Ugh, darling Nose,
where have you been?

[kiss] Ugh, you
had me so worried.

You really do need to stop
saying such treasonable things.

Promoting love
affairs and stuff.

You're gonna make
Emperor Augustus furious.

You wouldn't want to
worry me, now, would you?

Well... should we stop
doing what we're doing?

What?

Nobody knows what we're doing.

What do you know about Juliet?

Who?

Julia the Younger,
Augustus' granddaughter.

- Ugh...
- What do you know about her?

Ovid, how should I know?

Would you stop talking
about politics all the time?

Everybody is so bent out
about politics these days.

I hear these veterans
are thinking about rioting

because... something about
lacking food and no benefits.

But we're in a time of peace
and prosperity right now.

There's no wars going on.

So... what do you know
about Julia the Younger?

[sighs]

[Corinna] I know that she's
connected to some sort of

political opposition.

And Augustus knows about this?

Ovid, how would I know if
Augustus knows about it or not?

Now, stop being a bore.

- Come to bed.
- I thought being a bore was

something you accused
your husband of being.

Well, it is.

But I was forced to marry him.

And with you, it's a choice.

You know this is
an exilable offense?

Then exile me.

♪ dark ambient drone ♪

Excuse me.

I'm sorry, but you
can't sleep here.

And the library
closes in half an hour.

Budget cuts.

You'll have to
finish up and hurry up.

[Ovid] And as I speak, time
flies and the years do pass.

Psst!

[whispering] Julia!

It's me, Ovid!

We met...

We met under not the best
of circumstances years ago.

By which you mean
federal prison?

Well, yes, but...
and before that!

Shh!

Do you realize how much
trouble we could get into

if we were seen here together?

[Ovid] That's a risk
I'm willing to take.

Why?

Well...

I guess I've always seen
something different in you.

By which you mean I am the
Emperor's granddaughter,

all of which would grant
you connections beyond

your wildest dreams.

Except he wants me dead.

No.

Your wit.

And your intellect.

And I believe you are involved
in an anti-despotic organization

in which I may
have some interest.

I hope this isn't some pickup
technique promoted in your most

popular and controversial tome.

I have read it, you know.

Did you ever know me to advise
picking up a lady by gaining

access to a top-secret
political organization?

No,

but you do realize that this
is a treasonable offense?

Both our heads are
under surveillance.

No, no, no no, I have given
up my instructions on love.

- I've become a clean man!
- Shh!

No longer challenging authority?

What do you want with me, then?

I told you.

I'm not after love.

Then you do realize the
depths of danger you'll be

sinking into.

My grandfather, for instance,

saw a general taking notes,

had him stabbed on the spot,

thinking him a spy.

These are tough times,

and Augustus will
take brutal precautions.

- Have you read my latest work?
- Are you listening to me?

- I swear this is not a...
- I have read your manual

on love, yes.

No, have you read
my latest work?

Another triviality.

[Ovid] It's about old myths.

Stories of people changing,
beasts becoming men,

gods becoming beasts.

Gods becoming beasts?

That sounds a bit
heretical. [laughs]

Meet me at the corner of
Yvlavia at nine tonight.

♪ dark electronic beat ♪

So you were able to distribute
the grain to the encampments

by the Forum?

Yes, I was.

And thank you for
those resources.

Thank you!

We will be in touch when
the new supplies arrive.

- 'Til then.
- [Agrippa] 'Til then.

So...

whom, my sister, have
you brought this time?

This is the poet Ovid.

I've heard of you.

A few people have.

[Agrippa] Modest.

People seek out your
love poems far and wide.

- We met in prison.
- [laughs]

Ovid...

this is my brother,
Agrippa Postumus.

Weren't you exiled?

I was.

You know, I may have used some,
uh, advice from your book,

Ars Amatoria,

to help placate my wife
during our separation.

[groans]

Our grandfather had him exiled

under the pretense that
my brother's bad temper

could somehow hurt the Empire.

He was no doubt under
the influence of our

step-grandmother Livia

and our step-father Tiberius,

who have plans to seize
power once Augustus is gone.

Now, all of this is
top secret, of course.

Of course.

So, with a network
of army officials,

we snuck my brother
back into Rome

to help us with our activities.

And...

what, may I ask,
are your activities?

Do we trust him?

He was the one person who
managed to drive Gramps Augustus

into a rage

when no one else
could get to him.

There are some of us, including
our dear mother, who no one has

heard from in years,

who believe the Republic
should truly be restored.

Yeah, instead of whatever
figurehead institution

we have now under the
guise of Roman values.

We believe elections and
Senators will more fully

represent our nation.

But by taking this position,
you would end your own

hereditary line.

Yeah, we know.

So why are you doing this?

[sighs]

Would you like to take a walk?

♪♪♪

[whispering] This way.

Come on.

[screaming]

D... do nothing to us!

We don't want no trouble!

We are good people.

I swear.

- We worked with...
- We're not gonna do anything.

- For some 20 years...
- No, no, no.

- Before it shut down.
- We're not the government.

I swear, we're just
looking for Crispus, okay?

We're friends... we're friendly.

Crispus?

Well, he... he's down
in the main settlement.

Can you please be
careful of my husband?

He's... sleeping.

♪ man singing opera ♪

♪ eerie drone ♪

Polus?

Where is my man Polus?

Polus?

I can't sleep.

I need Polus.

I don't know, my love.

Why don't you come back to bed?

[sighs] I... I can't sleep.

It's unrest over the
grain shortage and...

[sighs] Polus!

Damn it!

Where are you?

[pounding]

Polus!

[pounding] Polus!

My Lord...

I think I've found him.

Polus?

Polus?
[heavy breathing]

- Polus!
- [gasps]

[Augustus] This
is not your wife!

I thought you
were sleeping, sir.

You thought I was sleeping?

- [Polus] Yes, sir.
- Polus...

this will mean death.

Oh, s... [laughs]

- Surely, you must be kidding.
- Yes, death!

I cannot and I will not tolerate

disobedience from even
within my own home.

Take him!

Whoa whoa whoa, wait, wait!

Surely, you must
be kidding, sir.

Everybody's doing
it these days!

Senators, officers...

why, even Ovid,
Roma's most popular poet.

He's giving advice on
how to have a love affair.

Yes!

Take him!

No, wait, no! No!

No! [grunting and thud]

No! [grunting]

♪ man singing opera ♪

[revelry and fire crackling]

It's so nice.

In this city, there
will always be life.

So have you been allied
with the encampment for long?

[Julia] I try to do what
I can to divert grain.

What we really need is a
change in governing system.

I mean, right now,

all of our money's
filtered through Augustus.

Fuck grain handouts.

We want jobs.

That's right,
fuck grain handouts.

They want jobs.

Big project.

People are organizing.

But yes.

- Crispus!
- Julia.

This is Ovid.

Ah.

Ars Armetoria.

- The Art of Love.
- Yes.

♪ man singing opera ♪

So, you're viewing
our encampment.

Uemployment's bad.

I understand that.

♪♪♪

Since soldiers
returned from war,

came back to close
down the mills.

Oh my gods.

Look!

- [woman reciting poetry]
- [Julia] [sighs] Such talent.

Wow.

Such joy.

[music and cheering]

So what have you
been working on lately?

Old myths.

Metamorphosis.

You know, Apollo chasing
Daphne 'til she becomes a tree.

Wait...

you wrote the latest version
of Daphne turning into a tree?

[laughs] Yes.

So I'm told.

What my pen and paper
seem to suggest.

[laughs] Wait, so Daphne
and Apollo, that's you?

[Ovid] We aim to please.

- It's my latest work.
- Oh my gods.

So then you wrote that line
that Daphne yells at Apollo?

"If I cannot be your wife, then
I can certainly be your tree?"

Oh!

My gods, I love that line!

And when she's...

she's turning into a tree and...

and she just wants to be
something for him, ugh...

I mean, I can really
relate to that.

Ugh, yeah...

Shall we continue to the tracks?

♪ traditional Greek music ♪

Careful.

That could be a
treasonable offense.

[Ovid] You're married?

I told you that the
first time we met.

To Lucius Aemilius Paullus.

Yes.

So you do remember
the first time we met.

It was long before prison.

Yes.

It occurred to me.

By the water fountain.

I was rude.

[Ovid] You set me on my path.

You know, I used some of what
you told me in my Art of Love.

Really?

- Hm.
- What are the chances?

[Julia] [laughs]

♪♪♪

Well, putting my arm on your
shoulder may be treasonous,

but perhaps dancing is not?

No, dancing is not.

Your Ladyship.

♪♪♪

♪ dark drone ♪

Do it for your country!

Do it.

♪♪♪

[screams]

♪ traditional Greek music ♪

[shriek]

♪ dark drone ♪

[Ovid] Do you think
he'd do it to us?

I don't know.

He's becoming
increasingly paranoid.

I heard he m...

he made his man Polus...

he forced him...

to commit suic...

Tell me a story.

About what?

Sh... should we even be talking?

Just anything, just...

recount one of your tales.

Of bodies changed to
various forms I sing.

Ye gods, from whom
these miracles spring.

I think Livia and
Tiberius are vengeful.

What?

Livia, my step-grandmother,
and Tiberius, my step-father.

They're vengeful!

I think...

they want us dead so
they can accede to power.

[Ovid] Shh.

Pyramus...

and Thisbe...

one...

a beautiful young man...

the other...

the most preferred of girls
in the Eastern world...

occupied neighboring houses...

ruled by an Assyrian queen.

Their proximity...

caused their acquaintance...

and their first steps of love.

Their love...

increased in time.

They would have joined together
in the bonds of marriage...

but their parents forbid it.

[laughs]

That's from your poem,
"Metamorphosise."

Yes.

[yelps] [thud]

Please, forgive the
rough treatment, Julia.

At least give us
a fair hearing...

Grandfather.

♪ ambient synths ♪

Did you not compare
our noble Roman army

to a lover,

when I had explicitly
outlawed affair?

I'm not sure.

Didn't I recruit you...

into our government?

I'm speaking to you,
Publius Ovidius Naso!

Yes.

And what have you done for me?

Do you like witty poetry?

[snorts]

Need I remind you, Ovid,

that I am the Emperor?

Yo, I got you, J.

I rounded up a bunch
of peeps from my youth.

- You'll see.
- [Augustus] Thank you, Cornelia.

From your "Amores:"

"All lovers are
soldiers, believe me.

[groans] A gallant
soldier besieges cities,

a lover, his mistress' house.

One breaks down the gates,
the other, household doors.

Find them unarmed and
slaughter..." I can't.

You do realize that
this is our army,

under gods we trust,

that you've compared?

The army that brought
peace back into this land,

that restored the
Republic that defends us

against the Anglo-Saxons
and the Gauls...

and the uncouth barbarians
that ravage our borders!

I... I do, Your Eminence.

- I said they were gallant.
- [Augustus] What was that?

Y... you do remember you're on
trial here for seditious acts?

In addition to that,
you've likened fornication

to our very judicial system.

Cornelia.

"If sex is equally
pleasing to both partners,

why should one
sell sex and buy it?

It is unethical for witnesses
to sell false testimony.

It is unethical for judges to..."

If the defense may interject?

In defense of my client, there
is no actual proof in either

of those examples that the
defendant was promoting...

[clears throat] copulation
with a married woman.

In fact, he seems to be
arguing against prostitution,

which I do believe
is a Roman value.

I believe my father-in-law
has no interest

in the well-being
of prostitutes,

only in making sure that the
sanctity of marriage is upheld

and that we're not undermining
any of the institutions

which make this state great,

an offense which is worthy
of capital punishment,

death.

[Augustus] Ah, yes, here it is.

"My sexual desires
accommodate all of history.

The young arouse me,

those of a later
age... touch me.

All live in the city.

I crave them.

Everyone."

Can you define the word
"everyone," please, Ovid?

Wouldn't the word...
"everyone" include married

as well as unmarried women?

Well, yes.

- But...
- Yes, but what?

I think you've just
admitted to the fact

that when you have an
interest in sexual relations

with a woman,

that they are sometimes,
if not often, married.

- Well, yes, but...
- But what?

Your Eminence, the defendant
would like a chance

to speak if he might?

Very well.

This better be good.

Have any of you read my
latest work, Metamorphosise?

Perhaps some of
your esteemed family

might remember the story
of Daphne and Apollo.

Well, in it, as
some of you remember,

Apollo chases the beautiful
Daphne through the woods.

And the virginal nymph, however,
wished nothing to do with him.

But the god became so
enflamed with desire,

his heart burned so for her,

that he chased her and
chased her, over brooks,

through the woods,
under brambles until...

her soft skin...

became bark...

and her arms...

branches...

and her curly locks...

twisted into dark green foliage.

She had turned into a tree.

Now, surely, you don't therefore
assume that I advocate

turning all women
into hard wood.

- [laughs]
- [Augustus] Order!

Okay.

Please.

Have you no respect for
the dignity of this state?

Apologies for the humor,
Your Divine Eminence.

But...

the defendant has given
up on writing poems

such as Ars Armetoria,
The Art of Love,

which some people perceive
to be promoting love affairs,

and have moved on to works
such as Metamorphosise,

the collection of myths
from around the world,

and which includes sections
about our national hero,

- Aeneas.
- How?

How can you talk
about hard wood,

when our very nation faces
the gravest of moral crises?

Grandfather, if
I may interject...

This is unbelievable.

Have we no more sanctity
or respect for our leaders?

Does the blessing of
Jupiter mean nothing?

- Grandfather!
- [indistinct shouting]

What is this?

Lepidus!

Lepidus, get the guards!

We cannot have a
mob against us here!

[indistinct shouting]

[Julia] Grandfather,
if I may speak...

Now, you do realize
that you are here

under trial for seditious acts?

- I don't think...
- You do not think what?

I don't think you
should execute this man.

[Augustus] Why?

What's your interest?

Have you been fornicating with
him, just like your mother?

My interest in it is yours.

Don't let your family
ties sway you, Augustus.

You know she is her
mother's daughter.

Grandfather...

you know about
the growing unrest

in the encampments
because of

- the current grain shortage.
- Of course I do.

Augustus...

Well, if you wish
to maintain power,

I do not believe it the
wisest choice in time

to execute the country's
most popular poet.

Besides being a favorite
of the people, the Senators,

on whose support you also rely,

very much favor this writer.

And you know the thin line that
you walk with the Senators.

Augustus!

Why... why are you
saying these things?

You know that there is
rumor of your... [sighs]

traitorous actions.

Perhaps...

I am interested
in your well-being.

Do you remember...

that bronze helmet that
you gave to me as a child?

Your Eminence, if the
second defense may?

Let her speak.

You brought it
back from Egypt...

from your battle
against Mark Antony.

I still have it.

♪ soft intense music ♪

Take her away.

Grandfather!

I keep it under my bed
in my small, modest room!

I can't take her anymore.

This trial is adjourned.

Bring the prisoners
into the courtyard

and let them
roam free.

Death...

is not an appropriate
punishment for either of them.

Tiberius...

[sighs] It's gonna be okay, bro.

Daytime and nighttime
persona got your back!

Hey.

Well...

we're off for now.

We might as well enjoy
our moment of freedom.

Julia, Your Eminence,

I cannot thank you enough.

It's okay.

You know, um...

you being there...

you, uh... allowed
me to show [sniffs]

that I still care
for my grandfather.

- So...
- [Ovid] That's right.

I am, as always, the
hero of the situation.

[laughs]

Bringing families
together since 10 BCE.

[laughs]

After all, was I not the one
to advocate turning our divine

Roman ladies into trees?

Mm. [laughs] Yeah.

An admirable position, really.

This could solve the fundamental
problems of the Republic.

[whispering] Did I say
that too loud? [laughs]

[sighs]

What was it like
growing up here?

I didn't really grow up here.

No, I want to know.

Just give me bits.

Highlights from your childhood.

Highlights...

I don't know anything.

Actually, um...

when we would
visit with my mother,

I did go down to
the store room, and...

my brother and I would play hide
and seek among the barrels.

[laughs]

I bet we could
go down there now.

Should we?

I mean, are we allowed?

[Julia] What is he gonna do?

Hang Rome's favorite
poet just for looking

at his wine collection?

♪ upbeat music ♪

Come on.

♪♪♪

[indistinct chatter]

[laughs]

♪♪♪

So what would you do next?

If you could write or do
whatever you wanted,

what would it be?

Hmm.

Anything at all.

Sky's the limit.

Mount Olympus' dental hygiene.

- [laughs] What?
- Yes.

- I would go god by god...
- [laughs]

And I would uncover whether
each god rinses after they eat.

[Julia] Mm.

Picks their teeth and spits.

I think it'll be an epic really
worthy of any great writer,

- like Virgil.
- Mm-hm.

And completely
non-controversial.

Mm-hm.

And what, pray tell,
would you do... [gasps]

- Grandfather...
- Huh?

Corinna...

[grunts]

[grunts]
[door slams]

[sirens]

[Ovid] And that was
the last I ever saw of Julia.

Augustus exiled her
on the spot.

The mysterious charge against
Julia the Younger was adultery.

It was convenient to blame her
for something which her mother

had already been condemned,

but I really think Augustus

Shortly thereafter,
her husband, Paullus,

was executed for conspiracy.

I never heard from Julia again.

Her brother, too, was
murdered shortly after Tiberius

finally ascended to power.

make me too much of a martyr,

Augustus exiled me
on the spot also,

for Ars Armetoria,

a poem I had
written years before.

had grown to love and cherish.

♪ soft soulful music ♪

And I was forced to live with
the uncivilized barbarians

up north.

All this for a poem...

and a mistake.

♪♪♪

The sloping
footpath was travelled

through the soundless silences.

Steep,

hard to see,

thick with shadowy darkness.

And now, she slipped backward,

to capture and be captured.

Unlucky...

she grabs nothing
but the retreating air.

She has not complained
in any respect at all,

for what could she complain

except that she had been loved?

♪♪♪

♪ soft ambient synths ♪

♪ upbeat Motown music ♪

♪ electronic music ♪