Outside (2018) - full transcript

"outside"

A lot of cars
and pedestrians pass by

so I don't want
anything lying around here.

It should look tidy, so people think
here is someone who sleeps rough

and keeps his corner tidy.

This is very important to me.

If I didn't keep it tidy
I wouldn't be able to stay here.

I grew up in an orphanage

and tidiness was the first thing
you had to get into your head.

It's in my blood,
if I can put it that way.

Tidiness...



You had to make your bed,
put your stuff neatly into the locker.

If you didn't do it, the guardian
would pull it all out again.

You had to start all over again.

It wasn't a room
it was more like a dormitory

with fifteen children inside.

There was no privacy at all.

Everybody was looking
when you got dressed.

That was not nice.

I constantly ran away.
I didn't want to stay there.

I constantly ran away.

They brought me back.

The welfare office
spoke to the management

meanwhile Elvis was long gone.

Three month later I was back again.



I constantly ran away.

- Street with a capital "S" too?
- Yes,

S-t-r-e-e-t

I-i-v-e

"...some change
because I live in the street."

- This goes in here.
- Yes.

And this.

There was a spoon this morning.
You still have it?

This is the new cartridge, right?

Here's the cutlery.

Margarine.

This linseed oil is open.

- I've got one of them.
- OK. So, we have two.

I thought it would be
drier today, bad luck.

Do we put the cart underneath here?
We can put it in the corner over there.

Nobody can get to it there.

I grew up in Kazakhstan, in the city
of Aktobe, practically born there.

It was a pretty criminal place.

The cops were afraid to go there.

At night, there was this street corner,
at least 20-30 people would meet,

play the guitar, drink, sing,
older men, women.

I remember one time
the police came with two cars...

A lot of people were drunk,
they just flipped them.

Simply flipped them onto the roof.

After that they didn't dare come back.

Back then you had these private
video saloons, like cinemas...

For us this was all new

after the Wall came down,
the borders opened up and so on.

One day we had the Iron Curtain,
then BOOM...

Videos and stuff. Films.

With Jackie Chan, Schwarzenegger...
this was all new to us.

So, I went to this saloon
for more than three months.

My mother thought I was at school.
I said the teacher is off sick.

She would give me a rouble for lunch

and the film was, like, 50 cents

or 20 cents.
I could watch films,

three or four of them and be home.
The timing worked out.

It matched with the school.
But after a few months...

After a few months
the teacher came to see my mother.

I got home from the video saloon

and she said, "How was your day?"
I said, "Great!"

- "So, what did you learn?"
- "This and that."

And she takes the belt and says,
"I'll show what you've learnt!"

"Your teacher was here!"
Then she chased me across the yard.

That's rubbish. All of it.
The one I got today was cool.

This one is the best.
My female companion.

Always falling apart though.

When we got our first pocket money,

my brother bought ten cars
and I got ten Kinder Eggs.

That's more than 20 years ago.

When I was about 14
they kicked me out from home.

I got to know totally different people.

We were a "bus stop" gang.
Harassing people.

Then everybody went home.
I had to find a place

in someone's basement.
It was usually nice and warm.

There were these dusty pipes.
I'd climb up and sleep.

Thankfully I don't have any allergies.

Just surviving.
Like here, only different.

That's good.

Things exposed to the weather
get damp.

Nothing you can do about it.
The letters also get damp.

That's not good if you have to
show them to the authorities.

They have us down
for sleeping rough.

We are considered dirty, smelly, well...

trash.

We are trash.
So are our belongings.

In the 70s, I was a carnival prince.

This is something
like an autograph card.

That's me
as a carnival prince in the 70s,

looking good with long hair.

My father was a total carnival-reveller
as we say in Cologne.

So, when the carnival season started,
20 chains were not enough

to stop him,
because he just loved carnival.

It also depends on money,
because it is expensive.

I think my father would spend
something like 15.000 Marks

for everything that's needed.

I had my own huge medal
with my name on it.

All the sweets, the bouquets,
everything you needed.

After the war, people
were suddenly able to buy stuff.

Everybody wanted
to outdo everyone else.

If the neighbours got a new sofa
you also got one

to say: we made it!

A perfect world from the outside

but war indoors.

This was not Elvis'.

Nor this.

This you would use here.

This has nothing to do with Elvis.

40, 44, 48, 52...

52, 56, 60...
64 CDs!

In 1958, I heard him
for the first time,

ever since then, I've been a fan.

When I feel terrible,

I just put on a CD
and I feel better.

That's what I like about him.

He always lifts you up.

Even if you're down and out.

This is my friend and lucky charm:
Elvis!

Full name: Elvis Aaron Presley.

Born in 1935.
Died August 16th, 1977.

He is very important to me.

If he wasn't important,

I would have said, OK,

go on the booze, let yourself go.

No.

I was born in 1947,

there was hardly anything to nibble.

My mother went begging to farmers

to get something to eat for me.

And what did my "father" do?

He took the milk and drank it himself

instead of leaving it for his son!

So, my Mum got a divorce.

When my "father" heard

my mother wanted to leave for
America to join her family,

he had me put into an orphanage.

I was still shitting myself.

I stayed in the orphanage
till I was twenty-one.

Always his music was
in the background.

I would like to cook,
but I don't know how.

So, it's just oatmeal.

If I don't have oatmeal,
I still have cookies.

You don't need that much money,

four deposit bottles are all you need

to eat for a whole day.

Of course, scavenging is more fun

but every now and then
shopping is not that bad.

I had nine cents when I hit the road.

Apart from that

I lived off what I found.
And you do find a lot.

Mainly deposit bottles.

I didn't carry glass around.
I had enough to carry.

I got my oatmeal for one Euro a day.

You can live off that.

The place furthest away from
here was near Basel, Weil-am-Rhein.

I couldn't get further away from home
without leaving Germany.

My highest point was in
the Black Forest at 700m.

I woke up and couldn't see a thing,
I was surrounded by clouds.

Apart from that the usual.

Sleeping in some bushes in some cities.
I've been all over.

I can't tell you everything.
I'm a peaceful man

but I fucked up.
I was young and naive,

I had the wrong friends.
But I don't blame them.

I'm not saying
they're not my friends.

But I ran away
and prefer to sit here under canvas.

I make sure
I don't get caught at night.

I think, camping is illegal in Germany,
but it's tolerated.

When I go to bed and when I get up
I want peace and quiet.

I leave nothing behind.
Nobody knows I was there.

We never give up.

This is the entrance,
there was the bathroom.

Here, my bathtub.
The flat wasn't any bigger.

Just the bathtub. Sink and loo.
I'm not going to draw that.

This was my kitchen, a nice kitchen.

All these windows were
faced South over the woods.

It was on the fourth floor
so nobody could look inside.

The windows were dirty anyway.
I didn't clean them in eight years.

Here

I had a couch and here.

Another one over here.
All of them scavenged.

And here I built an enormous
rabbit cage. About 1,5 m long,

with two floors
for my two rabbits.

I made them a really nice corner
over here with a loo, a little house

and cardboard trees,
things they could play with.

Ultimately the flat belonged
to the rabbits.

My walls were grey
but I wanted them black.

Later I wanted to draw on them
but that didn't work out.

So, I started scratching images
into the wall paper

but the rabbits had already eaten
it all up to here.

In the end, it looked cool.

Were there any pictures?

I had two fluorescent posters
that I gave away before I left.

Nothing by me on the walls.
I started drawing later.

No time, no motivation.

The flat turned into a hang-out.

Look, I had one, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight... nine seats

and two beds
that were constantly occupied.

My door was kicked in by a 5-year-old,
which is sad enough by itself.

It was just dangling from one hinge.

The house doesn't exist anymore.
They wouldn't give me a flat now.

I never paid the electricity bill.
Why have electricity

when you can light a fire on the table?

It's worth a try. For sure.

There was a duffle bag
with a few things of mine.

On top of it was a knife, a salami.
That was it.

C'est la vie.

I did ring the bell,
to ask what this was about...

but there was nothing I could do.

My mother was in tears.
She said, it would be better if I left.

I asked, where to?
She did not know.

I sat down on this duffle bag
in front of a hotel.

This lady was walking there
in high-heels and fish-nets.

With a wide seam in the back
and a miniskirt.

She walked past.
Tack, tack, tack, tack... Silence.

Then it started again. Tack, tack...
Five or six times.

Suddenly these long legs
were standing in front of me.

I looked up
and saw everything.

In amazement.
When I reached the top, the face,

this peroxide blonde woman with a perm,

heavily made up, asked me
what I was doing there.

I told her what I've just told you.

She said,
listen, you're with me for now.

She took me to her hotel.

She had a double room,
which was her work space.

She showed me where to sleep
and told me to shower,

then come to the bar
where she worked.

She was a prostitute.

She put me up

and showed me a lot.

The statute of limitations for
these things has passed now,

many of my
former companions are dead.

So I can talk about it safely.

How did we make money?

We stole a bit.

We were young boys,

long-haired, handsome,
wearing tight clothes.

It was easy to pick up homosexuals,

take them around a corner.

You'd call it hustling.

We robbed them.

One of us took them around
the corner

and another would come and rob them.

Take money, jewellery, stuff like that.

At the time paragraph 175
was still in force,

homosexuality was punishable by law.

A homosexual couldn't
report us to the police

because the state would file suit
and put him in jail.

This is what we lived off.

The girls walked the streets.

All that stuff

that goes with living on the streets.

That's what we lived off.

We arrived at the shop,
my friend stayed in the car.

I went inside.
Shortly before I left,

I saw a DVD player.

Back then it cost two hundred Marks.

It was only a few meters to the door.
I felt a hand on my shoulder.

- "Hey you, did you forget anything"?
- "Hmm, ok."

"Please come with me.
Do you know why?"

Of course, I knew why.

We go into this little room,

a tiny room with two women
working on calculators.

He didn't even frisk me,
nor check my passport.

"Ok", he said, "I'll be right with you."

Ten minutes go by
and he does not return.

I think, that's strange.

Somehow, I see two safes
under the table.

One of the women
opens one of the safes.

I even memorized the combination
- left, right and...

I see money down there and I think,
the window is open.

I had a gun.

I pulled it out.

Pointed it to the head of the one
with her back to me.

I said, put them up, this is a hold-up.
Adrenaline, like in the movies.

They start crying.

I say, what's wrong? Give me the bag!

From the side, I could see there was a
money-bag, with a bank logo.

She didn't want to give it to me.
but I told her not to fool around.

I got the bag.
I open it. Full of money!

What now?
I see an open window.

I think
it's about one-and-a-half floors down.

But it was slightly higher.
I miscalculated.

I get on the table,
practically jumping out of the window.

The old bag
I'd threatened with the gun

grabs me by the arm,
and yanks me back,

so in the end, I did not jump,
I fell out of the window,

bang onto the trolleys
and pipes below.

It was a hard landing.

I am unconscious
for a few minutes.

The car is gone.
Shit. What do I do now?

They start screaming, robbery!

The people shopping confront me.

I pull the gun, they retreat.
It's ridiculous,

but not so ridiculous,
seen from their point of view.

I think, quick, to the industrial park!

You can get away!

I turn around. Suddenly the detective
is standing in front of me.

I don't know.

He had at least 150 kilos.

He was really chubby.

Like in a Jacky Chan movie,
one of those fat actors.

Like one of them.

I think, I'll scare him a bit,
he'll step aside, I'll get away.

I did that but he wasn't scared.

I don't know what happened, he
jumped at least 5 meters up in the air.

Like a detective in a Jacky Chan film.
I got knocked out. Bam, bam, bam.

It lasted 40 minutes or more.

In court, I found out he knew
eight or nine kinds of martial arts.

Black belt and everything.
Really awesome.

I was convinced
it was "only" a robbery.

But I scored all the points,
hostage-taking, kidnapping, etc.

They had a point system.

I got five and a half years.

That was the longest sentence
I served from beginning to end.

Later I got 22 months, 8, 5,
half a year...

From '99 until

23rd of March this year

I was in and out.

I got this in Stammheim prison.

Something to write in, like a diary.

I've got at least
fourteen of these at my parent's.

Different ones.

Let's start with the small one.
Mushrooms. Very important!

After my first poisoning,
I bought a mushroom book.

A bit late!

This one's just for fun.
I've never read it.

I thought "outdoor" sounded cool.

This one is my favourite:
"Edible Food from Nature".

My Grandfather gave it to me.
I've had it forever.

All these great things,
you can actually eat.

Unfortunately, it's the
wrong season right now.

But mushrooms grow all year round
you just have to look.

"The Weather"

I want to learn how the weather
works but I don't get it.

I know nice weather when I see it.

One-hundred-year-old map.
Also from my grandfather.

How clouds work, what they mean.

I started drawing in school,
instead of learning.

Out of boredom.

On Facebook there is
one of my early drawings.

Facebook is my only contact
with my family.

They can see
what I am up to.

This is the original, only not quite.

The original doesn't exist anymore.

This is the same,
only slightly better.

This is Grandpa.

He kind of raised me.

He lived one street down.

Because he raised my little brother,
we were always round there.

At first, he didn't like me at all,
I couldn't keep my trap shut.

But we were interested
in the same things.

Nature and working with wood.

Once I start working
I am a good worker.

He liked that.

He could always use some help.

I know some stories from his children,
he wasn't always that calm.

But you treat your grandchildren
differently than your own children.

Like you treat visitors differently.

Herbert Scheffler,
in beautiful handwriting.

My only keepsake.

That will stay forever.

I hope it doesn't corrode away.

This is a winter kilt
because it is slightly longer.

I have to suck my guts in
like this.

You put the buckles here
and then it's a winter kilt.

Combined with combat boots,

a nice vest,
the front bag and the knife.

I made money with this.

You have these bachelorette parties
and because I played the congas,

I sometimes played for them
and they started dancing.

Someone would ask, fake or original?

I always said, original.

She would say, "Show us then!"
I'd say, "That'll be 5 Euros."

Once the 5 Euros were in the kitty,
I'd hike it up.

They were happy, I was happy.

I am married

to a woman who ran away with
a friend of mine some years ago.

We got married four times.

Once I married her
in the Gothic scene.

Then we got married at the registry office
because you need papers in Germany.

Then she wanted to get married
in white in church.

I was married several times,
so I agreed.

We'll get married in church
but as punks.

Inviting people from the train station
to the party.

She said, OK and I wore the kilt.

Punky, funky with all the guys.
It was nice.

I closed my eyes when I received
the blessing.

I was so happy and content.

All the people who were there...

All the people I liked.

It was like family.

I started drinking
and taking drugs early.

I started when I was twelve.

I took drugs but I didn't really know

that you could get cold turkey,
that you could get addicted.

I had no real clue.

And when

I took more...

At first it was once a month.
Then once a week.

Then a few times a week
until it was every day.

Then you get flu, withdrawal symptoms.

I thought I had flu or something.

But then they tell you it's withdrawal
and you need the stuff.

Normally people get up,
brush their teeth, drink coffee.

That's how the day begins.

When we get up
we brush our teeth too.

We're normal

but we need a fix
so we can function.

Otherwise it doesn't work.

Then you don't get up.
You're finished.

OK, a rocking-horse. I can draw
a head, but not the whole horse.

Shall I just do something
or does it need to be a rocking-horse?

You look sad.
I'll give it a try.

I'll try to do a rocking-horse.

How old was I back then?

My mother told me.

Her brother's son was also young.

We played together.

I think I got this horse
for my birthday.

A rocking-horse.
I don't know how old he was.

Maybe four or five.

We always played with it,

somehow, we fought about it
as children do.

I wanted to play with it.
He wanted to play with it.

He pulled it by the tail and it broke.

And he said,
my father will come and fix it.

I always have to think about this toy

because this cousin died
when he was small.

He got the flu,
a cough or pneumonia.

I never really knew.
He was ill.

It was during the winter,
he wanted to play outside in the snow.

His Mum wouldn't let him out.
He asked when he could play again.

She said,
"Once you've taken all your pills

"and you're better."

He was small and misunderstood.

He swallowed them all.

Poisoning.
That's how he died.

My cousin.

You go there.

This is from my girlfriend.

I have had it...

I have had it for years now.

Yes.

Since 1975.

She grew up on a travelling fair.

But I didn't know that

when I first approached her.

Unfortunately
she really turned out to be with a fair.

Sadly she had a fatal accident in 1975.

That was that.

I have not been to a fair since.

Because if I did
and I saw a shooting gallery

my memories would return.
I don't want that.

Apart from this one thing,
I want no memories at all.

Pretty. Hair down to her bum.

She was my honey bunny.

Her father had already bought us

a merry-go-round
as a wedding present.

If the accident hadn't happened,
I wouldn't be living rough.

I would be travelling with the funfair.

I said to myself,
go back where you came from.

Go back to the road.

So I went back on the road.

I've been living rough ever since.

It was hard for me
to leave Kazakhstan.

So many people.

So many relatives.

We sold almost everything.
Houses, our belongings.

Furniture, rugs, everything.

My parents say, come and stay
but I don't want to.

I am 37 years old.
What would I do?

It seems ridiculous to me.

Almost 40 and still living at home?
I'd rather stay on the road.

My oldest daughter was born in 1982.
She will turn 34 soon.

She's a mother of four. She's a good
mother and I am happy about that.

My youngest daughter
will be 21 in December.

She's great too.

I can't get over how smart she is.
She's studying to be a teacher.

I also have a son, Muhammad.

I think he has one more year
before he leaves school.

I don't know what he wants to do.
He is young and wild.

Like me back in the day.

It's been two and a half years since
I saw my youngest daughter.

I just typed her name on Facebook.

I found out she was studying
here in Cologne and met up with her.

I was simply ashamed.

But I am happy that I still feel shame.

I find myself in many situations
with people who knew me before.

Who do not understand
the way I am now.

That's when I feel ashamed.

But that's the way it is.
I can't live differently.

I don't want to live differently.

I am not afraid in the forest.

Never have been.

If anyone is afraid in the forest
it's the others who are afraid of me.

I'm the type of guy
you don't want to meet in a forest.

Although I'd never hurt anyone.

If I think about the past,
I can only say,

"Oh no, why did I do that?"

There are things
I shouldn't have done

but it's experience that makes us
what we are, right?