Outrageous Fortune (1987) - full transcript

Oh! All right,
that's it.

What's the matter, Marie?
What happened?

- She tried to kill me.
- Well, isn't that the point?

No, Lauren,
this is theatrical fencing.

This isn't an autopsy.
All right?

All right.

Damn it, I don't even
know why we have to do this.

If you want to do Shakespeare,
Shakespearean people have duels.

- Not the women.
- It's my ambition to play Hamlet.

Oh, that'll pack 'em in the aisles.

Yes.



Colette.

Ian.

Good.
Lauren.

Excellent.

Naomi.

Bitch.

- Lauren.
- Hi.

- Have dinner with me tonight.
- What?

- Say, "Yes."
- George.

- Say, "Yes."
- Why are you acting like this?

Because I want to be with you.

Oh, that's nice.

- This is so funny, George. I thought you were gay.
- Well, I am.

It's just that I play
so many heterosexual roles,



I feel I really need
to do some serious research.

Mm-hmm.

And just when you think
there's no greater depth...

to which an actor
could possibly sink.

That's nothin'.
Remember Fred?

Fred.

I've got a 50 percent
hearing loss in this ear...

from him yelling, "Stella," in bed.

I tell you, I swore off
actors a year ago.

I said if that's the only
subspecies of men available,

I'd rather not date at all.

And I haven't,
but there are other things.

My work, I perfect my craft.
Kor... Korzenowski!

- Yeah.
- He's taking students.

Yeah, but where you gonna get
that kind of money?

Who is it?

It's your sister-in-law.
Hurry, my feet are falling off.

Well, hi, Shirley.
I'm glad you finally... Wait a minute.

Get in front of the camera.

- I knew it.
- Come on, Mom. Let me in.

No, we can't afford it.

- Mom, please. Daddy!
- Is that my baby?

Yes, but she can't come in.
She wants a loan.

Daddy, can I come in, please?
Please, please, please?

Daddy, Daddy?

- You don't know she wants money.
- Of course she does.

- You don't know that.
- That's right, Mom.

Can't I just drop in
to see my parents?

Okay, I need $5,000.
But it's to study with Korzenowski.

Daddy!
Stanislav Korzenowski.

I'll pay you back.

What did you say? What was that?

- I know I owe you some money.
- You owe us $32,000.

But it's
"the Korzenowski."

Lauren, we sent you to Yale,
then London and the institute.

You have been at this acting thing for
years, and you haven't earned a dime.

You are still working as a salesgirl!

- Honey, face it. Maybe it's time...
- Daddy!

- Hey, what did you do?
- Nothing.

You gave her that money.
I can't believe that you did that.

She is our only child.

Oh, Daddy!
$5,000!

Thank you, Daddy!

Oh, thank you.

Give me back my fuckin'quarter! Damn!

Well, good luck.

I'm Lauren Ames. There's
my application, your board, your pen.

- Thank you.
- And my down payment.

Keep that for now.
You still have to audition.

- Right.
- Sit down. Mr. Korzenowski will call you.

Thank you.

La, le, lou, la, le, lou.
Ma, me, mi...

You nervous?
Sorry.

- I'm sorry.
- It's okay. No, it's fine.

I guess we're all a little bit...
Don't talk. Right.

Oh, boy, I don't blame you.

This is so intense.
Shut up, Weldon.

I'm sorry.
Sorry.

Isn't there one fuckin'
phone in this whole town that works?

You got a phone I can use?

Yeah, hi. This is Sandy Brozinsky.
Who's this?

Howie.
Okay, Howie.

I'm holding in my hand this thingee that says
you're going to turn off my phone at noon.

Oh, yeah? Well, I want
to tell you somethin'.

I just got out of the hospital.

I get home after two months
of intensive care,

they wheel me into my building,
I open my mailbox,

I find your thingee screaming at me
I have 'til 12 noon today...

Hey, no, you listen, you listen!

I just opened the damn thing. I just now
laid eyes on it for the first time.

What was I supposed to do,

have them unhook the life-support
machine so I could pay my bills?

Oh, really?
Yeah, so now I have three...

No, two minutes to write a check
and wheel myself down to your office?

Howie, is that the drill?

Lo-lo-lo-lo, lo-lo-lo-lo.

24 hours?

24 big ones?

All right, Howie,
you're a prince among men.

I mean it. I want
to have your child.

Yeah, bye.

Lo-lo-lo-lo...
No, stop!

Please, do not screech
at anyone else.

I am trying to prepare
for an audition here. Thank you.

Oh, yeah?
What for?

A workshop with
Stanislav Korzenowski.

Who's that?

Only one of the great
geniuses of the theater.

Now if you don't mind...

Hey, maybe I should audition
for him too. I'm an actress.

Hey, no, I'm a pro.
I bet I'm more of a pro than you.

- Uh-huh.
- Well, I just made 2500 bucks doin' a movie. Yeah.

That's where I've seen you.
It has been driving me crazy.

- You saw "Ninja Vixens"?
- I... must have.

Huh. Well, this acting thing's
been goin' pretty good.

I mean, it's all
just bullshitting, right?

Actors are just bullshitters
who get paid.

Where do I sign up?

Just exactly what do you think
you're going to do in there?

I don't know.
I'll make something up.

You're going into
Stanislav Korzenowski and wing it?

Jesus, you'd think I was
gonna go in and pee on him.

Listen to me.

You do not audition for a man
of Korzenowski's reputation...

without a prepared
classical monologue.

That means Shaw, Ibsen, Shakespeare.

I'm doing Ophelia's mad scene.
I'm not waltzing in off the street...

saying,
"Gee, I think I want to be an actress."

You know what I bet?

I bet you haven't been laid
in about a year.

- Ames, Lauren.
- Ah, ah.

Yes, I'm coming.
I'm... I will be coming...

I'm... I'm ready.

Quickly, Miss Ames.

Have a good mad scene.

It's really great, I just saw it.

Hmm.

I will not only wish
you to absorb everything that I say,

I will also wish you to keep
notes of everything that I say.

And I will wish
to look at those notes.

Now if you say this
is like high school,

I do not apologize.

I am an old egotist...

and I want to know that
you recorded my ideas.

If you do not,
you're gone from the class.

All right, we begin.

We begin with vowel groups.

Vowel groups?

Mr. Weldon,

do you know the difference between a
Texas diphthong and a Georgia diphthong?

Sorry I'm late.

They made me fill out all these
dumb-ass financial aid forms.

You want 'em?

I cannot believe... I absolutely
cannot believe he let her in!

And on scholarship!

I just bet I know what
she did as an audition.

The woman has no training,
no experience.

I mean, correct me if I'm wrong.

I really thought if you
worked at your craft...

maybe, just possibly, you get
to work with one of the greats.

It's $2.95,
not $295.

I knew that.

Something's seriously wrong
with my life.

Excuse me.

- Are you all right?
- Better.

- I was just... Who cares? May I help you?
- Yeah.

- Have you got something in a pumpkin?
- The shade pumpkin?

No, a pumpkin costume.

- Oh.
- God, I sound like an idiot.

The reason is that
I teach grammar school.

- You're a schoolteacher?
- Uh-huh.

- You're not an actor?
- God, no, I'd be awful. Why do you ask?

Well, there's just so many actors
who come in here. Please go on.

Well, we're putting on
a little pageant...

and there's a kid in my class
who's very insecure.

The other kids pick on him
and his mother doesn't sew,

and I think it would give him such a boost
to have the best darn costume in the place.

So I thought a
professional costumers...

would have an incredible pumpkin.

But I can't go more than $50 because
this is coming out of my own pocket.

I'm really sorry,
I don't think we have a pumpkin.

What about a squash?

We don't have any vegetables as such.

I'm sorry.

Well, this is the
last place on the list,

but I'll just throw
something together myself.

I really appreciate
your time. Thanks.

Um, listen.

I don't know, maybe someone...

Maybe I could...
I've made a lot of my own costumes.

I'm sure it wouldn't
be that difficult.

If I could help out,
I'd... like to.

That would be fabulous.

- I hope you'll forgive me, Lauren.
- For what?

- I don't usually lunge at women like that.
- Oh.

But you just, uh...

I just had to kiss you.

I really am sorry and I hope
that you'll want to see me again.

Oh, where in the world
did you come from?

New Mexico originally.

No, no, I mean,

how can a man so delightful as you...

be just wandering
the streets of New York?

Single, single, yeah.
I can't believe it.

Well, that's not by choice.
I'd like to be married.

- This isn't happening.
- Why not?

Well, there must be something wrong
with you. Don't you have any faults?

I smoke.

You smoke? That's it?
Call the police!

No, no, no, it's an addiction.

Colton's tobacco.
New Mexico's finest.

I hope you don't mind.

Well, I'll struggle through somehow.

Good.
Very good,

because I'd like to see you again...

tomorrow night.

Well, yes.

Mmm, thank you.

There.

What's this?

"Oo, ee, oo, ah,
oo, ee, ah, oo."

That's what you do in acting class?

- Those are vowel groups.
- Mmm.

Sorry, "Wowel groups."

- Ooh, ooh.
- I feel the same way.

Will you please kiss me
hard on the lips?

That was tender, but tasty.

- Bite my face.
- Okay.

- Aaah.
- Bite my leg.

Now bite my other leg.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, my. That kind
of evening, huh?

Not the kind you're used to.
No money changed hands.

Ah-ka.

Ah-ka-wan-ah-ka!

"Ah-ka-wan-ah-ka?"
No, no. Reveal.

You have killed your father,
you have married your mother.

Now no words, remember.

Now reveal.

Aaah!

Rooo!

Here we have a sick sea lion.

Go.

Miss Brozinsky.

Okay.

You will now perform for us,
also without words,

Hamlet's soliloquy.

Who's that?

Hamlet.

Hamlet.

Shakespeare's tragedy of Hamlet!

Ah, well,

for her, we get the comic book, huh?

Taxi!

Hey!

- Oh, that creep Korzenowski is driving me nuts.
- Ah.

Ooh! I know
what I need.

Oh, God!

Oh, God!

Oh, God!

Oh, God!

Oh, God!

Oh, God. Oh, God!

Ooh.

To die on the stage...

is perhaps the greatest
single challenge...

an actor can face.

The audience must know,
must absolutely believe...

that the breath,
that the very life...

is going out of your body.

Now...

You! You will
die now, please.

No, I don't believe you.

Maintain your focus.

- I don't believe you. Maintain your focus.
- Stop, stop, stop it!

- Are you all right?
- Fine.

Perhaps you would like to die
for us now, Miss Ames.

You I think I will shoot.

You will feel the bullet
enter your body.

You will lose all muscle control.

You will fall down dead.

Bang.

This can only be the achievement...

of years of training.

No other way would we ever see...

so false a performance.

So mechanical, so thought out.

Never for one moment truly felt.

Here, you must reach
deep inside yourself.

You must go beyond
the safety of what you know.

We know you can act, Camille,

but can you be a person
of flesh and blood?

Ah, time.

We die again tomorrow.

And, please, give me your notebooks.

I wish to see them.

- You can't walk there!
- Hey, Ed, you want the delivery or not?

The man is a Nazi.

I have never been the dumbest
in any class before.

I haven't seen you for nine hours.

Taxi!

Taxi!

- You know what today is?
- No.

It's our third-week anniversary.

- Stop on the next corner.
- You got it.

I think you need some roses.

Oh, no, you can't afford
any more flowers.

- Right here.
- No, don't stop.

- No, don't stop. I know what teachers make.
- Half a dozen.

Don't stop.

No!
Michael!

No!

A crowd is gathered here.
Traffic is backed up for two blocks.

Killed in the explosion are Lee Veran,
the owner of the flower shop...

and Michael Santers, a teacher
at Holmes Elementary School.

Two terrorist groups have claimed
responsibility for the blast.

It's all right, Miss Ames.

We've got a positive I.D.
From his wallet.

You don't have to see him.

I want to see him.

I warn you, there's
very little left to see.

Particularly in the
upper body region.

I want to see him.

I'm very sorry you feel
a need to do this.

Just leave me alone with him, please.

What are you doing here?

- Me! What the fuck are you doing here?
- I beg your pardon.

- I am in mourning.
- Well, so am I!

- For my lover.
- Well, so am I!

- Who?
- Michael Santers.

- Aaah! No, no, you little witch!
- You didn't know him!

- Oh, he loved me.
- How could you lie? Get out of here right now!

Aaah!

I'm gonna break every bone
in your body!

- No, you aren't.
- Yes, I am!

How dare you! How dare you!

He loved me. He loved me!

- Oh, loved you? Loved you!
- You're damn right he did!

- Oh, that's obscene.
- No, that's reality, baby.

'Cause no way did that guy
give a shit about you!

I refuse to believe for one second...

that he would lower himself.

Oh, he lowered himself, all right.

This is all a lie.
You are psychotic. Yes, that's right.

I've known from the first time
I saw you sleaze into that office.

You lied to that phone man,

you lied your way into the class
and you're lying now.

I'll get you for this!

No!

- Aaah!
- Aaah!

Well, what the hell?

- Well, that's not his...
- No way. Look at that.

- It's too small.
- It's a fuckin' pencil.

- Where's the appendix scar?
- And that little mole?

- Aah!
- It's somebody else! He's alive!

Thank you.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.

- This was my idea.
- I don't care, I'm going to handle this.

You don't have the dimmest,
dullest notion how to handle this.

You can't just walk in and
bluntly announce this kind of thing.

Thing, thing. What kind of thing
are you talking about?

You can't even say it.
You sure as hell can't tell them.

And just what do you think the response
is going to be when you do?

You suggest...

You suggest!

You suggest that on the basis
of this little nugget of testimony...

we spend tax dollars
on an investigation?

Have you been listening to us?

The man in the morgue could not
possibly be Michael Santers.

All you have to do is look at his...

If you were to look...

in the region...

If you were to look down.

Michael was not a guy other guys would
have made fun of in a locker room, okay?

I think he's got the big picture now.

Well, I don't think he does.

This guy in the morgue...
whoever he is...

he's got, uh...

Does the phrase "needle dick,"

"the bug fucker"
mean anything to you?

Aah!

- I beg your pardon!
- Now get out of here and don't come back.

The model of tact and decorum.

- He wasn't gonna help us.
- Well, of course not! You sounded insane.

Oh, it is insane.

If he's alive, where is he?

He's probably back at my house
wondering where the hell I am.

- Taxi!
- Your house?

- Taxi!
- Wait a minute.

Taxi!

I don't believe for one minute
that he's at your apartment.

Oh, boy, are you gonna shit cement!

Taxi! Taxi!

If Michael is anywhere,
I assure you he is at my place.

- Taxi, taxi!
- Oh, you believe that?

I believe that he loved me,

that he barely knew you and
you're fantasizing a relationship...

- that is probably an isolated drunken encounter.
- Isolated!

Isolated? This girl
does not have one-night stands.

Every guy I have slept with,
and we are way into double digits here,

has come back for more.

Every single one!

You want to hit me, right?

Okay, okay, give it a try.
Let's go, let's go.

Ha, ha, ha.
Bob and weave, honey.

Who dresses you anyway?

Stand still,
you little son of a bitch.

I'm gonna bash
your little WASP brains out!

Talk about dingbats.

They'll lead us right to him.

- Nine years of ballet!
- You're too weird to hit.

- Taxi!
- Taxi!

Now wait just a minute.

All right, all right.
Okay, okay.

You insist Michael is at your apartment.
I think he's at mine.

So we'll go to both.
If he's at your place, which I doubt,

then I will tell him
good-bye and good riddance.

If on the other hand he's at mine,

you will find yourself
a nice biker and compare tattoos.

Oh!

You see, he's here.

Now don't make a scene.
Try to be adult about this.

- Oh, my God.
- Relax, it's just thieves.

Russian thieves?

He was here.

- Colton's?
- They're looking for Michael.

Let me see.

Hi, Mrs. Hardy.

- Now who are these morons?
- I don't know.

Stop!
Come back!

Oh, God.
Oh, my.

Come on!

Mr. Atkins, these girls are bimbos.
They know nothing.

- What do we want them for?
- They know he survived. They may know where he is.

We gotta get back on the trail.
So we're gonna cover...

every airport, every bus depot,

every train station,
every car rental out of this city.

Oh, God.
God.

Well, so much for your apartment.
You want to try mine?

They've been here.

- Oh, my God.
- Wait a minute.

Nobody's been here.
This is normal.

- Come on. Geez.
- Oh, no.

Michael?

Michael?
Michael?

Michael?

- He's not here.
- I'm going to find him.

- Oh yeah?
- Yeah.

Where?

Well, he could be hiding,
he could be hurt. I don't know,

but I know that he needs me.
Now if you'll excuse me.

Where are you gonna look,
his apartment?

You think he's gonna be hangin' out at his
apartment, someone wants to kill him?

Oh, well, I'm not going
to his apartment.

Then where are you going?

Isn't that my business?

Okay, look.
Hold it, okay?

All right, you have an idea,
you might as well tell me.

And we'll both go, we'll go find him
and help him out of this.

And then we'll make him choose.

- Choose?
- Yeah.

- Between us?
- Yeah.

I doubt that he'll know your name.

Then we're on.

I mean, you're so goddamn sure
it's gonna be you, what do you care?

I'm confident, yes.

Well, so am I, so let's go.

- Good.
- Oh, wait. I gotta fluff.

Could you fluff a little faster?

- What is that?
- I got it off a Christmas tree at Saks.

- You defiled a Christmas tree?
- No one saw.

Nothing for the nose?

Oh, Lady Di, explain this to me.

The man is afraid for his life.

- He is not going to stop and buy tobacco.
- Oh?

You obviously didn't spend the kind
of time with Michael that I did.

- He couldn't last a day without his Colton's.
- I knew that.

Uh-huh? Did you also know this is
the only place in town that carries it?

- I didn't know.
- No, you didn't.

Listen. This time,
let me handle this.

Your simplistic exchanges
with people become pornographic.

- That is a fucking lie.
- Need I say more.

Excuse me, sir.

Yeah, I know the guy.

Have you seen him?
Was he here today?

Yeah, maybe...
maybe not.

When do you think you might
arrive at a decision?

- Over a drink?
- Mm-hmm.

Wouldn't you feel better
as a person...

just unselfishly helping somebody find
out something she really needs to know?

No.
How 'bout dinner?

- How 'bout a blow job?
- How 'bout a...

- What did you say?
- Right here. Right now. Both of us.

Kind of, uh, takin' turns.

He was in here this afternoon.

This afternoon?
You sure it was this afternoon?

Yeah, right at my lunch break.
1:00, he bought 10 pouches of Colton's.

- What else?
- Nothing. He was kind of in a hurry.

He used the phone and then
he ran right out of here.

He used the phone at 1:00?
Is that it?

That's all she wrote, baby.

Here or in the back?

I think I can take care
of it from here.

Couple of floozies!

Oh, my God.

- That is the most disgusting...
- What's your problem now?

Promising sexual favors?
That sends us back to the Dark Ages.

It's something you simply do not do!

You do if you're lying.
Besides, it worked.

Excuse me, but I must have
missed something.

How exactly did it work?
We're at a dead end.

- You'll see.
- I'll see?

- Howie Rinker, please.
- Oh, Howie.

How!
San!

Great, how 'bout you?

Yeah?
How's your fish?

Uh-huh.
What'd the vet say?

- What does a diseased fish...
- Stop it, it's in the bag.

Listen, cutey, seeing as how you're
my main man over at the phone company,

I wanna ask you just
a teensy favor, all right?

Can you tell me what number was called
out of Wally Frank Tobacconist at 1:00?

- This afternoon. Yeah, yeah, I'll hold.
- This is good.

It's probably one of those guys
with polyester pants and hips.

- Yeah, I'm here.
- Uh-huh?

- Good boy.
- All right.

That's a cab company, right?

Got it.
Oh, you're a catch, How.

Our kids are gonna
be gorgeous, you know that?

- See you.
- Okay, don't gloat.

Taxi!

Is that all the money
you walk around with?

Well, where's yours? I thought you
were the working pornographic actress.

I went to the Bahamas.

Hi, can you help me?

I'm such a ditz. I left my tennis racket
in one of your cabs today.

I was picked up around
77 th and Broadway,

- at 1:00.
- Is there a reward?

- Yes.
- No.

Ooh, ah.

What the hell are
you gonna do to me, huh?

- What's wrong with you?
- Yo!

Dipstick!
There's your man.

What?

Your turn.

Oh, no, no, no.

No, I can't talk to him.
I went to a private school.

Hey, he looks like a prince.
He's gonna love you.

Hi.

I'd like to ask you
a few questions...

about a fare you might've
had earlier in the day.

A very attractive
cauca... ca...

Just person will do nicely,
won't it? Why differentiate?

You would have picked him up
outside a little smoke shop.

Does that ring any bells of any kind?

Whatsoever?
Hello?

- Tall dude?
- Yes.

- Tweed coat?
- Yes, yes, a tweed coat, right.

- I don't remember a thing.
- No, no, you just said a tall dude...

I didn't say nothin'.

Oh, come on now.
Don't give me a big song and dance.

Oh, no.

Oh, my God. I think
he's going to hurt us.

What the hell is the matter with you?

Why should he help us
with nothing in it for him?

All right, you tell me.

- What should I do?
- You're an actress. Bullshit him.

I don't use my training
to tell lies to people.

Well, what do you use it for?
It's so simple.

Hey, how'd you like
to make a quick 200 bucks?

Say what?

200 bucks, cash,
to take us to where you took the guy.

Are you out of your mind?

We don't have 200 dollars.

Ah, chill out, would you?

Where are we?

We've been going for miles, and I haven't
seen a single white person on the street.

There's one.
Oops, they got him.

That's not funny.

- Oh, my God.
- You sure this is it?

Hey, keep your pants on.
We're coming right out, all right?

Look, you know and I know...

I'm never gonna get another cab
to come out here to Vietnam, cue-ball.

So get real, all right?

All right, I'll give you 300 bucks.

300 bucks just to sit here
'til we get back.

- $300?
- You're a real pain in the ass, you know that?

Beyond belief. You're really determined
to have us killed, aren't you?

Hey, get over yourself.
He's not gonna kill us.

- Oh, why not? - 'Cause we're gonna be
raped and murdered in this building.

Oh!

Ooh! Oh!

Oh, no.

Oh, is that urine on the floor?

- What's a little urine?
- Freeze!

Oh, my God, he's just a child.

Well, at least rape's out.

Let me do this.

- Do you really think you should be
playing with your daddy's... - Shut up!

Where's your money?
Credit cards!

Revoked, where do you think?

Your bags, throw them over here.

Oh, I love this bag.

Aaah!

- I'm not hit.
- Oh.

- You!
- You little thug!

- I'll be damned.
- What?

- It's a fake. Where'd you get this?
- Santa.

Oh, yeah? Well, if you want
to see another Christmas,

you're gonna have
to help us find someone.

Shh.

Come on, man.
Stop that.

- This was a mistake.
- Not anymore.

Police!
You're under arrest!

Don't even think about it!

Don't even fuckin' think about it
or I'll blow your fuckin' nuts off.

Do we understand each other?

Okay, turn around!
Face the wall.

Do it.
Do it!

Do it, do it!

Okay, frisk 'em.

Frisk them?

Damn.
Busted by two broads.

Nice buns, boys.
You been workin' out?

Read 'em their rights.

You have the right to remain silent.

'Cause anything you say can...

and will be used against you...

you, ah...

Attorney.
You have the right...

to an attorney.

- Shit!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard it, I heard it.

Hey, look. What do you want?
You got it, just talk to me.

You know, he's right.
We could make you a real sweet deal.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we heard it.

Wait a minute.
Maybe they can help us find Santers.

- They don't know Santers.
- Michael Santers? He was just here.

He was just here a few hours ago.

Ray fixed him up with a passport.

- Oh, fuck you, Gilroy!
- What the fuck you want me to say?

Oh, we're in the phony I.D. Business
as well. Ain't that nice?

- What name was the passport under?
- I wanna talk to a lawyer.

Oh, yeah? It's gonna be
kind of a short conversation.

They'll have to squeegee
your brains off the wall.

Yeah.

You, ah... You better
tell her the name.

- She's kind of cranky.
- Yeah, I got my period.

John Strauss.

John Strauss?
Where'd he go?

Hey, look. He's leavin' town.
That's all I know.

Look, I'm bein' real nice here, huh?

Why don't you be nice
and open that box on the table.

Go on.

- Now, look, why don't you just keep it?
- You givin'them the money?

- Forget that we ever met.
- Are you sick?

- Turn around!
- Yeah.

Happy to.

Well, I hate to give it to you,
but that was pretty good.

Yes, it was, it was.

Yeah, yeah.
Well, a deal's a deal.

And now, my man,
we want to go to the airport.

The airport.

They don't give out passenger lists.

You have to be
police or F.B.I.

You are such a dip.
This is all the F.B.I. We need.

His luggage
was totally over the weight limit.

Can you imagine the gall?
Trying to bribe an airline official.

He offered me 100 dollars
to let it go through.

What a world, I tell ya.

Watch and learn.

Excuse, please.

I was hoping you would to help me.

How do I to say?

You say it quickly.
I'm off in three minutes.

My father, he's coming here.

No, I tell you from the beginning.

My name is Anna.
This is my sister, Elona.

My half-sister,
she does not speak English.

My father, we have not
seen him since we was babies.

He send us here in suitcase on train.

We escape, you see?

No, I'm afraid I don't.

Now we get letter.
He escape.

He is here,

but we do not know where,
we do not know which plane.

Could be any plane.
Please, you tell us which plane.

- Please?
- Absolutely not.

I'm sorry.

- Papa.
- Papa?

That was the single biggest crock...

I've ever had the privilege to hear
in my 19 years at this airline.

I think that deserves something.

What was the name?

Strauss.
John Strauss.

John Strauss.

- Here we go.
- Uh-huh.

Flight 501 to Albuquerque.

- Looks like you just missed him.
- Oh, no.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. He took another
line through St. Louis and it's delayed.

If I can put you on our flight 225
through Kansas City, you can beat him.

But it's leaving in one minute.

- You get the tickets, I'll hold the plane.
- Oh, good, good.

Two tickets to Albuquerque, please.

The white zone is for loading
and unloading of passengers only.

Oh, thank you.

Officer, those men are bad!

Hold it right there!

Come back here!

I swear to you,
she'll be here any second.

Her I.V. Got caught
in the luggage rack.

Sandy!
Where are you?

She's a sick woman.
She's gotta get on this plane.

There's a kidney in Kansas City
that's not getting any fresher.

- Sandy!
- Ah!

Excuse me, please.
Sandy!

Anyone care for some money?

Oh, my God!

Albuquerque!

Thanks.

I gotta get on that plane!

- Want to apprehend?
- No, we'll pick up surveillance.

I had this old Cadillac.

Oh, my God, there they are.

Look.

Come on.

Hey, hey, hey.
Where you gals goin' off to?

Panansky!

Bobby, this way!

Ow!

Aaah!

Hey, buddy. Where do you think you're...

Throw something.

Go!

And I thought coach was bad.

Panansky! Panansky!

Excuse me.

- Sir, has flight 501 arrived?
- Yes, ma'am, right there.

Panansky!

Where's he going?

No, no, ladies.
You know better than this.

- You're right, of course. Thanks for your help.
- That way.

Panansky!
Where the hell have you been?

- Ah!
- Michael!

Wait!
No, no, wait.

No, no.

- Bike!
- Yes, okay.

Hey, stop!

Go through that next light.
Go through the yellow!

You can take the bike back.

Michael and I will be spending
the night in that motel we passed.

Dream on.
We'll be on a plane to Hawaii.

- I can't believe it.
- He's really in there.

Yeah.

- What's the matter, you afraid?
- Why should I be?

Then why don't you go
rushing into his arms, huh?

Well, why don't you?

It's a long way to come
to get bad news.

Yeah.

Well.

Oh, God.

Oh, I know.
Let me see.

Rat woman.

Oh, it's not that bad.

- Oh, no. Oh, Christ.
- Could we share the mirror? What is it?

- I would be getting a zit.
- I don't see anything.

- There's nothing there.
- No?

No. You're worse
than I am.

- At least you have eyelashes.
- What do you want? You're a natural blonde.

- You tan. You make me sick!
- Natural? You think this is natural?

- My dear, you too can have this color.
- No shit? It looks great.

- Thanks. It's a rinse with a cellophane toner.
- Yeah?

- Want a Tic Tac?
- Yeah.

I...

Well, I'd say, "Good luck," but...

Yeah.

- Whatever.
- Yeah, whatever.

Hello.

Michael, no!

You?

Aaah!

- Michael!
- Michael!

- He's all right.
- Oh.

Let's get him out of here.

- Michael!
- Michael!

- Oh!
- Oh! Oh!

You're okay.
It's just a bump.

- Yeah.
- My God.

- Michael!
- Michael!

I feel we are entitled
to an explanation.

What is your relationship
with this woman?

- Did you make it with her?
- Do you even know this person?

- That's why you're here?
- Yeah.

- I know you're in trouble, but I'd like to discuss this.
- Right now!

- Wait a minute.
- Oh, please!

Oh, Michael!
Here, darling, let me help you up.

- Ow!
- Oh! Easy!

- You mean you did this on your own?
- Yeah.

There's nobody with you?

- No.
- He changed the subject.

- You see how he did that?
- Yes, you did.

There's an issue at stake.
You're not getting out of it.

How did you follow me here?

I... Well, we knew you
weren't dead at the morgue.

And you told them?

- Well, of course we told them.
- Shit!

- Bad idea, huh?
- Wait a minute.

You wanted to be dead?

It would have been useful.

Russell, abort the rendezvous.
There's a chopper out there, and this could be trouble.

Get outta here.
I'll meet you in Tres Crucas.

- Screw 'em. You got the stuff.
- We don't have the advantage.

I'll meet you in Tres Crucas.
Acknowledge.

You're the boss.
Over and out. Let's go.

You're not a schoolteacher,
are you, Michael?

Michael, what's goin' on?
What's in Tres Crucas?

I'm sorry you heard that.

Who cares what I heard!
What was I to you?

What was I?

Convenient,

moderately enjoyable,

largely forgettable,

and a lesson to me
not to leave loose ends.

Oh, I can't go on.
I don't want to go on.

Oh! Mother told me
about men like this!

I hate it when she's right!

Oh! "Loose ends"!

That's all I was to him?
A "loose end"!

What are you doing worrying
about your love life goin' to shit?

We're gonna die!

That's comforting.

Who the hell are they?

How am I supposed to know?
He's after Michael.

They're the good guys!

Help us! Down here, please!

Down here!

Get into the light!

He won't go for us
if we're in the light!

It won't hold still!
It's moving too fast!

Come on, Sandy!

Hurry!

He's gonna cut us up!

I'll get you! I'll get you!

Come on!

Looks like these ends are gonna stay
loose a little longer, ya big shithead!

Come on down here!

Hello!

Weldon?

Hello! I guess
you know Mr. Atkins.

- Oh, my God!
- No! It's all right!

We're C.I.A.

C.I.A.?

Um, can I offer you ladies
coffee or, um, a Coke?

Weldon!
What is going on?

I... I'm not authorized
to debrief you...

You're not authorized to debrief me?

After I saved you from
being throttled? Weldon.

Who is Michael Santers?

He was one of our best.

Very high clearance.
Access to everything.

And then we began to suspect
that he was a double agent...

working for Korzenowski.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

Korzenowski, our teacher?

Our teacher and,
I'm sorry to tell you,

a key undercover man
for the Russians.

Oh, please!

The man has a reputation.
He was the definitive lear.

He is the definitive KGB.

That's why I was
in that class. To see...

if he and Santers were in contact.

And they were?

We still don't know how. I never saw
them come within a mile of each other.

But somehow Korzenowski hired him.

What did Michael do?

He stole the prototype
of an experimental virus.

It's called Floratoxin.

It's an airborne defoliant.

A few drops destroys all vegetation for
hundreds and hundreds of square miles.

Like grass and trees
and the whole shot?

As in California.

- Oh, my God.
- As in the entire wheat belt.

He would do that?

All he has to do is spill a couple
of drops, and the wind'll do the rest.

Don't try to bargain with me.
I want $ 20 million cash.

And please don't insult
my intelligence by trying to mark it.

All right.

Only it's gonna take a couple
of hours. Where are you?

Don't be ridiculous, Weldon.

They're his accomplices!
They're professionals!

- Oh, please!
- Oh, no, sir. I believe them.

You believe a couple of two-bit
actresses tracked down Santers?

- Yes.
- It was a rendezvous. They helped him escape.

- I was there. You remember?
- Yeah, what did we know?

He was just some guy
we happened to be boffing.

Damn it. I don't boff.
I have never boffed.

Okay, had sex with.
Is that white enough for you?

- Move it!
- If you'll just go over their statements.

That's what I intend to do at
Fort Morgan in an underground cell...

until we get Santers' whereabouts.

You want to know his whereabouts?

He said he was going
to Tres Crucas, New Mexico.

That's a little bit too easy,
isn't it? Get in the van!

Okay, okay, here's an idea.

Why don't we all go to Tres Crucas
and see if Michael is there?

I'll prove it to you.

I know, I know.
Your head hurts, and it's our fault.

I understand that.
But if you'd only identified yourself...

Oh, I see. You want me to
walk up to enemy operatives...

- Oh, come on.
- Who's an enemy operative?

Hey, Steve, why the hell
are we slowing down?

Who the hell are you?

Oh, my God!

Some of us who teach, can also do.

- What do you want?
- Where is Michael Santers?

Hey, you should know.
You're the ones he working for.

- Vasily.
- Da.

Da.

This is last time I will ask you.

Where is Michael Santers?

Come on, come on,
come on! Let's go!

I think you'll stay.

I never died better, did I, Teach?

Okay, let's go up, real easy.

Uh-huh. Atta boy.
Atta boy.

Yeah, you're a good actor,
but a lousy shot.

Please, look, look,
we can make bargain.

KGB is very generous.

Stop with the KGB!

How dare you defraud
the entire New York theater community!

- Lauren.
- I've never... Hi.

I've never heard of such behavior!
These people are artists...

That's not the hot issue here.

The... No. No.

Okay. Okay,
here it comes, Stan.

You're gonna tell us right now
what was going on in that class.

Or Sandy's gonna shoot you!

I'll shoot it off, Stan.

We needed couriers.

- How?
- Yeah.

Um, your notebooks.

I left microdot for him in yours,

and he sent back reply in yours.

Well, if he stole the toxin
for you, why don't you have it?

Ha! He screwed you too.

Da, Da. He screwed me too.

Ladies, I admit
I've made a big mistake.

But if you'd just put
yourselves in my hands,

you could walk away from here right now
with full federal protection.

Complete clearance
of all conspiracy charges.

I will give you free
acting lessons for life.

We'll pay all the expenses
you've incurred.

Oh, stop it!
The both of you, you're so full of it!

Come on, let's go!
It stinks around here.

Thanks for trying.

We'll find you!

Not if the coyotes find you first!

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

Please!
Please!

Blood is on your hand, you putz!

This is the worst day of my life!

Yeah. We're
a couple of chumps.

- Oh, we're worse than that!
- Okay. Yeah.

I can't believe I didn't see it.

- I am so humiliated!
- Yeah, I know.

He hit on us for those notebooks.

Hit on? He got me
to pick him up.

Tell me! I attacked him
in a Burger King!

I worked all night on
his fucking pumpkin costume!

For a mythical student, if you will.

- No? No?
- Yes.

Hey, I baked cookies
for his entire class.

- Oh, no.
- Could you see me baking?

Icing these little happy faces
on every one of'em?

I paid $5,000 to study
with the KGB. The KGB!

- Oh, my God!
- He trashed me much worse than he trashed you.

- Oh!
- Really, "Hamlet"! How am I gonna know "Hamlet"?

You really should
if you're going to be an actress.

Oh, pardon me.
But we can't all of us study...

at the London School
of Shakespearean Weirdness.

Some of us had to schlepp
drinks for a living.

I'm sorry, Sandy.

Oh, God.

So where you wanna go now?

I don't know.

They'll be after us.

But I was thinking.

Yeah, so was I.

- What?
- That we go find Michael and rip his face off.

That, and get the toxin back.

Oh, the hell with the toxin.
I just wanna rip his face off!

No! We need the toxin. We don't want
the C.I.A. On our backs all our lives.

Just so I get to rip his face off.

I promise, we'll rip his face off.

After we get the toxin.

Hey! Hello,
honey! Hello!

No! No!
You idiot!

Hey, Stan.

What?

Looks like you're gonna be
facing KGB tribunals.

Unless, of course, you'd like
to make an arrangement?

Would such an arrangement include...

unlimited expense account?

Condo on the Potomac?

Redskins season tickets?

Huh?

Ah, nuts!

Thanks, Humphrey.
It was sweet of you.

It was my pleasure, Lauren.

Well,

what should we do first?

Get a little sushi?
Take in a show?

Now why do they do that?

Has there ever been one woman
in the history of the world...

who actually said,
"Yes, fellows, please take me now."

For a bed and a bath I'd consider it.

Bite your tongue.

Hey, turista! Welcome!

Hey, you're looking
for a guide, right?

A native Indian to show you the hidden
wonders of this great Chicatacawa nation.

Well, ladies, you have found him.

Special price.
Today only.

20 dollars.

I don't want to be the first
to break this to you.

You are not an Indian.

That's a technicality.

I been a blood brother
to the Chicatacawa since 1968.

I got a tan.

What do you want for $20?

Honey, I'm an actress.

I love to dress up and pretend,

and the hat is fabulous,

but what we need right now
is to find a man.

Well, okay.
Not gonna be that great.

I'm a little bombed.

- What?
- And it's still $20.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

We're looking for a specific man.

So we can kill him.

Oh, then you need a witness.
I'll stand up for you in court. I saw the whole thing.

It was an accident.
The ax slipped outta your hand.

It's a wonderful scenario. When we
find the guy, we're gonna let you know.

- Thanks.
- Find him? Find as in locate? Track down?

Hey, now we are rollin'.

We have hit the nail
right on the hammer.

I'm a tracker.
That's my vocation: A tracker.

A guy who tracks down other guys.

That's my main gig.

Genuine Indian shit.

What do you think?

- He's a bum!
- But he might have good instincts.

Hey, you wanna find this guy or not?

Aha! Ancient Indian techniques.

Those could be anybody's.

Yeah, they could.

Anybody about 185 pounds,
dragging his right leg...

a little like it's injured, and...

smoking one hand-rolled Colton's...

every three minutes.

Admit it.
The man is cool.

Oh, my God!

Wow! That is some major
ill repute happening there.

- Come on, let's go.
- No! You'll never get past Gert.

It's customers only.

Come on, let's get outta here.

Come on!
Hey, let's go, will ya?

Customers?

Customers!

You get his shirt,
I'll get his pants.

Come on, you had your chance at me!

- Ah, relax.
- Oh, I want the hat.

Who you think you're kiddin', huh?

How old are you boys?

13? 14?

Hell, you're just babies.

Why, you can't even shave yet.

Your daddy know you're here?

Hell, yes. He told us where to come.
"Come." Get it?

Oh! First time.

Oh... No way!

It's his first time.

What'd ya tell her that fer?

- You chickenshit, huh?
- I ain't! I done it plenty!

- You chickenshit.
- You always tell my secrets. I'm gonna get you!

That ain't no way
to act in a whorehouse.

Be a man.
Be a man!

This is Tina and Maria.

Have fun.

Yeah, now tell me
how we're gonna get it up.

Definitely not.

Oh, God.

Oh, God. Oh, God.
Oh, God.

- He's there.
- "Oh, God. Oh, God."

- Won't be long now.
- Oh, God. Oh, God.

Oh, God! Oh, God!

Oh... Oh, God!

- That was it.
- He'll be asleep in three seconds.

Did you ever think you'd be glad
men roll over and pass out?

You've got to...

Have a nice day.

- I've come to a definite conclusion.
- What's that?

You can have him.

Oh, God.

Hmm?

Was it good for you too?

Hey, baby!

Hey!
Ai-yi-yi-yi!

Help me up! Ooh!

Oh, you guys are the sweetest,

most gorgeous creatures!

You're sweet.

Yikes!
Andale. Andale.

- We gotta go!
- I Vamonos!

- Wait a minute.
- Guys!

We're not supposed to stop.
Why are we stopping?

No hablo Ingles.

We have to get to a phone.

- We have to...
- Phone. Phone.

Oh, my God.
What are you doing here?

Trying to get back
to the reservation...

before one of these guys
hits on me for my phone number.

Oh, come on, you don't look so bad.

Prints don't work for him.
He should stick with solids.

Wait a minute.
Did he say... Phone!

- Frank!
- Leave me alone!

- Frank, you have to listen!
- No, I don't!

Yes, you do!

- Ooh, oh, oh!
- I'm sorry, Frank.

- But this is really important.
- Just leave me alone.

- We gotta use your phone.
- Forget it!

You stiff me for $20.
You leave me in drag!

You got some maniac
with a knife chasing you!

These things do not tempt me
to want to team up with you.

- What's wrong with my head?
- Are you okay?

No! I think
I'm gettin' sober.

Look! Listen!

Frank, we're not just
jerkin' you around.

Some guys are chasing us 'cause
one of'em stole a virus...

that's gonna kill and destroy all the plants
and all the trees for thousands of miles around.

We stole it back,
so now they're trying to kill us.

The '60s were good to you,
weren't they?

Frank, that's right.

Think back to the '60s.

- People did things for each other.
- They were wasted.

Listen, Franky, get us
to a telephone, all right?

I swear, you're gonna be
showered with money.

Showered with money.

Okay, ladies, this is it.

This is it, Frank?

It's not exactly the hub
of the reservation.

It's off-season.
What do you want?

We want to use the phone.

Five minutes.
That's it.

You guys stay more,
you'll bring a tornado!

We have no intention of hanging around.

Fine!

I must have that blouse.

That shirt has my name on it.

Oh, I love this.

I wore one of these
when I did "Oklahoma."

That will be cute on you
with a little snakeskin belt.

- That's a good idea.
- Hey!

Just take the blouses.
They're on the house.

You gotta make this phone call.

Get on the phone,
and let's get outta here.

Who we gonna call?
The "New York Times."

No, we'll call the president.

That's really a call he's gonna take!

Hi, we're two struggling actresses
saving the world. Get real!

He was an actor.

Okay. The F.B.I.

We're gonna call
the F.B.I.

We're gonna turn this in.
We're gonna save our country.

Do you have a changing room?

This doesn't work.

They must have cut me off.

I owe 'em a little money.

Don't you know how to deal with those
dorks? You don't have to pay them.

- You don't?
- No!

- What?
- No, not that again.

Frank, how do we get
to a phone that works?

Okay, ladies, this here's Frodo.
He'll take good care of you.

Ride across those hills 'til you come to
the edge of a cliff. Don't go off there.

That's a 700-foot drop.
Now, if you do get down,

you're gonna come to the
rattlesnake area. Be careful.

Take a left at the rattlesnakes,
and a dirt road will take you right into the taco stand.

- They got a phone in there.
- It couldn't be a block and a half to the corner store.

- Not around here.
- Hey, Frank, thanks.

- Okay. All right.
- We won't forget you.

You'll get something out of this.

Oh, yeah, sure.
I'll be showered with money.

Let's get outta here.

Wait. I don't have the toxin.
Wait a minute.

Hold on a second.

Give me the vial.

Slowly.

Let go of me!

Yah! Get going!

Whoa! Asshole!
Come on!

Well, of course.

Russell? Boyd?

- Where's the other one?
- She got away.

Now you're gonna
make yourself useful.

- I can't drive a stick shift.
- Get in the back.

Oh.

Let's turn around, okay?

Let's just go this way.

Holy shit.

Go away!

Frank.

Go away!

- What happened? Where's Lauren?
- They took her.

- We gotta go find her.
- Oh, no.

Frank, I can't track her without you!
Please, come on!

You go!
I'm busy bleeding!

- Frank!
- You don't give up, do you?

You think I'm gonna go chasing a pack
of psychos for some dumb blonde?

She's not dumb!
And she's not a blonde!

Well, good luck, lady.

Frank! Frank.

Okay. Okay, the truth.

Lauren and I pulled a bank job.

Those guys were Feds,
and Lauren buried the money.

Spare me, will ya?

Well, what about revenge?

These guys trashed your house.

I'm insured.
No deductible.

Save your breath.

I'm running out of bullshit, Frank.

They're gonna kill her.

I know it's not your problem,

but this person and I, we've been through
a lot of disgusting things together.

This person and I are...

This person's a friend.

And I don't have that many friends.

I do.

Hello, Michael.
This is Atkins.

Hello, Joe.
Do you have the money?

Yep. It's here.

Fine. Here it is.

You'll get into the chopper
and fly to Mesa Azul Cliffs...

at the Four Fingers.
Don't even think about...

ground support
because I've got lookouts.

Now, if I see a plane, a tank,
a chopper other than your chopper,

I'll get very nervous,
and I'm gonna dump this stuff...

in the first stiff wind blowing east.
You got it?

You will not land the chopper.

You'll come level with the mesa,

and you'll lower the money down
to me at 5:00 p.m. Exactly.

And now you're gonna
make the exchange.

I knew you wouldn't keep
your end of the bargain.

This is your big moment.
Don't you want to do it yourself?

Atkins is a crack shot.

Like I said, I'm doing the exchange.

I see somebody. It's Lauren.

Now how much do you believe them?

No, don't shoot!
Sir! She's being coerced!

- Will you land this damn thing?
- He's trying.

Throw down the bag.

- Throw it down.
- You'll shoot me.

I'm really sorry about this.

Aren't you dead yet?

Not 'til I play Hamlet.

Oh, boy!

- Oh, you came back.
- Sure.

- I can't believe it.
- And look at you.

You made off with the works.

Yes, I got the toxin,
and $20 million.

Wow! This time I think
I'll hold the money.

- You don't mind.
- Look, there's Weldon.

Maybe we can hitch a ride
with those guys.

Hey, handsome...

Go! Go!

Go where?

I... will never... date...

a man... again.

- Sandy.
- Getting laid just isn't worth it.

Oh, Sandy!

Get it!

Get it!

Pull!

Pull!

There is no God.

Hey, look!
Hey, look!

Yeah, that's good.

Here. Come on.

You son of a bitch!

En garde.

- Yeah!
- Go!

- Where is it?
- I don't have it!

I have it!
Let her go!

No! You...

Shit!

Ah, nuts!

Oh! Shit!

Nine years of ballet, asshole!

You did it! You did it!

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

That is the best Hamlet ever.

Except for mine.

Wow! Yeah!

This is the happiest moment of my life.

They bought that shit.

"Shit"?
You're calling my Hamlet shit?

He's a wimp. He can't make up
his mind about anything.

He stands around all night and says,
"What'll I do? What'll I do?"

Give me Romeo or Henry the Fifth.

- There's a guy I could boff.
- "Boff"?

Oh, we're back to boffing, are we?