Outrageous! (1977) - full transcript
Robin Turner is a gay hairdresser. He hates his job. He loves old movies and will do his customers' hair in the style of an iconic movie star if they'll let him, and even if they don't. At his apartment, he is harboring his medically diagnosed schizophrenic friend, Liza Connors, who can no longer stand being institutionalized. After Liza convinces Robin to attend a drag ball dressed as Tallulah Bankhead, Robin begins to feel liberated. On Liza's further urging, Robin accepts a local club's offer to work as a female impersonator, he doing his own singing unlike most drag queens. As he progresses with his female impersonation work to great aplomb, he takes a shot at making it big in New York City. The money will have to come in since despite medical warnings to her not to do it, Liza has become pregnant (not Robin's baby), she deciding to have and keep the baby.
You awake out there?
Isn't there any
professionalism in this club?
Would you spin my
record, please?
♪
You did a great job
on his wig.
You're the best in Toronto.
It's a pity he wouldn't let me
lacquer his face, as well.
[LIP SYNCHING]
You're just dying to get
up on that stage.
Ha! I'm not that desperate
for attention. Not yet.
[PANTING]
3A. 3A! I knew I remembered!
I knew it!
♪
Ugh! I'll be there, too,
darling. On key, I hope.
[BUZZING]
Damn! Perry!
[BUZZING]
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
Good queens are never early.
Good queens are late.
Late, Perry.
Robin?
Liza!
I was so afraid you weren't
going to be home.
I escaped.
You're going to make
the doctors real mad.
Oh, no, I won't.
I was never certified.
It'll be all right. Sort of.
-I can stay, can't I, Robin?
-Here?
I'll get my own place soon.
Really.
I'm not crazy like they say.
They only make me crazier.
Oh, Robin, please!
Sure, baby. Come on.
-It won't be for very long.
-It doesn't matter.
Come on.
I'm better already.
Really, I am.
Sit down.
Warm hands.
[BELLS TINKLING]
[VOICE WHISPERING INAUDIBLY]
[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]
[GIBBERISH]
[GIBBERISH]
[GIBBERISH]
Liza.
-What is it?
-[GIBBERISH]
It's here. Why?
Okay.
Back to the cages, Kong.
Go. Okay.
We can make it together.
Push.
Push.
Harder. Harder!
He always finds me.
He says I'm the one born dead.
So he comes to grind my bones
into powder.
He's a bone crusher from
the other place where
they all laugh at me.
The hospital?
No. No, the other place.
The other place where
the great divider reigns.
[GIBBERISH]
What are you saying?
I don't understand.
It's the other language.
It's hard to translate
into English.
Zar taught it to me.
He's from the other place,
too, only he's different.
He's beautiful like
a dragonfly.
He used to come to me,
after the shock treatments,
and he'd put on little
performances to make the pain
behind my head go away.
He's so funny. Sometimes I'd
tell him that I love him and
he'd grow too tall for the
ceiling. It was so funny.
But I can't let him stay
anymore. I can't let him
stay anymore. Not anymore.
Careful. A girl needs friends.
No, but you don't understand.
He's from the other place.
And I'm not part
of them anymore.
The others,
they still come sometimes.
They think and say that
the one who's born dead
belongs with them,
but they're wrong. I'm alive.
I'm alive. I'm alive.
Hey, let's just call
the doctor.
No. No! No, no, no.
No. The doctors and the white
horse, they've got keys
to lock up my brain.
They come at me with needles
and take me to electro-
dungeons and sizzle my brain.
I've got to think to fight off
the bone crusher,
and in the hospital,
they don't let you think.
They say they don't see
the bone crusher, but I know.
I know. I know they see him.
They're his helpers.
You've got to promise not
to tell anyone.
It's very dangerous.
They gotta spoil all special
people. You gotta promise,
Robin, you gotta...
I promise.
Oh, good. Good. I can do it.
I can go sane just like
anybody else.
Of course you can.
I told you he'd be
right along.
Now, Peggy O'Brien is out
there, and she's turning into
the Wicked Witch of the West.
Now move it! Now!
Right after mess, Sergeant
Jason, sir. Mother always told
me to have a good breakfast.
The only mother you have
to worry about is me,
and this mother is mad,
Turner, real mad!
You know Lana Turner was
my real mother.
Even a fag hairdresser like
you should recognize
these gams.
WOMAN: I brought your
suitcases, honey.
All your favorite clothes.
Let me bring them in for you.
We could talk.
No, mother. Mother, I've got
too much to do.
The nurse is coming, and I've
got to do things alone.
It's important, mother.
You blame me, don't you?
It was the best mental home
in the province.
What else could we do?
The nightmares you had,
the things you saw.
And the crying. I couldn't
stand you always crying, Liza.
[MOUTHING]
Liza!
We do love you, honey.
Whatever you do, you're
still my little girl.
You remember that.
And I beat everyone they
had in all afternoon.
They said I was the best game
player they had auditioned
in a month.
Magic Squaresis one game show
I could never get.
All those lights and buzzers,
and Canadian stars
I never heard of.
Oh, it's easy!
You watch tonight and I'll
show you how to play
and make bundles of money.
-Broadcast live, huh?
-Right across Canada.
Should we get
a little adventuresome?
Yeah, maybe just a tad.
Something regal.
Oh!
[BUZZING]
Open on the second ring.
The second ring.
[BUZZING]
-Liza Connors?
-Yes.
-Nurse Carr.
-Hello. Won't you come in?
Please excuse the disarray.
It's such a task settling in
to a new place.
Won't you sit down?
So, you don't think that
you need the hospital anymore.
Well, it's Dr. Beddoes'
decision to let you stay out.
It's on his hands,
not on mine.
I'll just keep an eye out
on you, just in case,
and I'll fill out the forms.
[KETTLE WHISTLING]
Oh, the kettle.
May I get you some tea?
Coffee. Milk, no sugar.
Coffee. No sugar.
You nurses drink tea,
not coffee.
Milk!
Here we are.
-I'm afraid it's only instant.
-What isn't these days?
[LAUGHS]
Now, medication.
Did Dr. Beddoes send you
your prescription?
Oh, yes. Yes.
Now, you must never forget
that you were in
a mental institution
for eight years, Liza.
You're schizophrenic, Liza.
Two nozinan upon waking,
three valium after breakfast,
three mylopan at two,
two nidol at seven,
and two valium at ten.
Now, are you dating anyone?
In your condition it would
be unthinkable
to risk pregnancy.
No. No dates.
Good.
Now, let's talk about bowels.
What?
Movement, consistency,
frequency?
Oh.
-Now?
-Just one more touch.
The new you.
[SCREAMS]
An Irish Cleopatra?
I functioned, Robin.
I really functioned well.
Good.
It's going to make one of
the best stories
for my crazies!
"She had a bag full of other
people's brains, and she
sat in my world,
"scribbling out mine!"
Do you know the power, just
so long as I can function?
I'm never going to go back
to that locked ward.
Good.
"I smiled at her. Not a very
large smile, though, or she'd
put me down as manic."
Robin, I was fabulous!
She said the welfare money
will be coming soon, and
I can start to share the rent.
Do you want a drink?
Okay.
You don't seem very excited
about my victory.
I mean, I know it's not a lot
for a lot of other people, but
it sure was a lot for me.
I'm just a little tired.
Are you mad at me for
not seeing mother?
No.
She always gets me so
depressed, and then I can't
keep my mind steady.
I know.
I mean, she comes with good
intentions, but she leaves
visions of lepers behind her.
You don't want me here,
do you?
You know better than that.
I don't know what I know.
I'm Crazy Liza.
You are not the only person
in the whole world
with feelings.
What?
-I am depressed. Okay?
-Why?
-Well, come on, tell me.
-It doesn't matter.
I'll slip the juice to your
noggin if you don't. Bzzz!
Caged! Like some wild
wonderful thing I am caged
in this snake pit!
Hey, I know, Robin.
Why don't you do my hair
all up and sexy,
and we can go out and cruise
everything in pants.
I'm sick of doing everyone
else's head.
Even Cleopatra's?
That bitch! Oh, she should
have tipped me fifty for
giving her class.
I guess she didn't want class.
Any woman in this town should
be thrilled to look like
Cleopatra, or Bette Davis.
I mean, those gals are tough.
I think they're made of steel,
but they're dazzling, alive.
They've got guts, and they had
fun. These women here, they...
They live life like it's a can
of Coke, and they're afraid
to drink it too fast
or it'll all be gone.
Life isn't a can of Coke.
Diet Pepsi.
They sit at my station and
they yak about renovating
their houses.
They should renovate their
shitty little lives instead.
Some days I think,
Robin Turner,
this is your life.
For the next forty years,
no dazzle.
So quit.
-And?
-Do something dazzling.
No, baby.
This is all there is.
I'm sorry, Robin.
-Don't touch me.
-Why not?
-I'm fat!
-I don't care.
-Well, I do.
-I love you, Robin.
Why?
Oh, because you're crazy.
Like me.
-Two Looney Tunes!
-We're going to work it out.
-Liza.
-What?
Your hair is shit.
Anyway, nobody listens
anymore. My psychiatrist
doesn't even listen.
Oh, come on. The people
in the hospital listen to you.
Yeah, and that's why they
sent me home. Too many
people were hearing the truth.
Oh, Martin, you don't belong
in that hospital.
I mean, you belong out here.
You can do things and be
someone out here.
Right.
In the capitalist jungle, man.
[MAKES MONKEY SOUNDS]
Excuse me, would you
sort these socks?
Hey, your liner's smeared.
No, they're turning Chinese.
It confuses some people.
I don't know, Liza.
I don't know.
Oh, but, Martin, that's what
it's all about.
It's about doing something
really big and important
and dazzling.
And I'll be doing enormous
things from now on.
Someday, I'm going to have
100 stories just for the
crazies all over the world.
But, if you don't eat your
lunch, you don't get
any din-din.
Do you write about the ovens?
You know they keep ovens
in the hospital.
I know, Martin.
For the lobotomies.
Baked lobotomies!
I detest Ukrainian food!
Oh, God. Perry.
You'll never guess!
Hi, Liza.
Hi, Perry.
I have found the solution.
I'm going as a stewardess.
Karen Black. Airport '75.
You'll never get out
of the cockpit, darling.
It was a positive brainstorm.
See?
Sensible shoes,
tasteful skirt, not a lot of
makeup, smallish breasts,
and...
Stylish, but no frills.
Look, everyone goes to these
drag contests all glitter and
glamour, but, I mean,
how many Zsa Zsa Gabors
can be in a room at a time?
No one's an individual.
Now, all I really need is
a really good flight bag.
No Air Canada vinyl stuff.
Something with class,
like Air France.
Hey, even fake's expensive
these days.
Oh, your liner's going.
-They're real!
-Ow!
-My eyes are real!
-All right, they're real.
A little smudged, but real.
I didn't know you liked
rough trade.
-Are you guys going?
-No.
Robin's just dying to do drag,
but he hasn't got the balls.
Get him something nice, honey.
They all look
like Joey Heatherton.
No one is real.
Are you telling me Karen Black
isn't real?
I know, Robin. You should get
Tallulah Bankhead to go.
-Who?
-Tallulah.
Even an Oriental prince should
know that name.
Tallulah lives inside Robin.
She's like Elsie. Do you
remember, she had all those
people who lived inside
and they used to pop out and
scare people, because they
still looked like Elsie.
Only Tallulah's different,
because she's a friend.
Well, never imprison your
friends, because they can pour
acid on your heart.
Oh, come on, Robin.
Get Tallulah to go, just for
the one night.
Out of sight!
Do you get to
the El Mocambo
much?
It depends how cute
the cabbie is on the way.
You trash!
[BELLS RING]
[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]
Get back to
the other place.
Here. Good little girls take
their pills, or no dessert.
-Are you into heavy drugs?
-Oh, very. Prescription.
You can get some real
bummers on chemicals,
you know.
Mmm.
No pills, no thrills.
Come on.
Hey, did I tell you about
my roomie?
I forget things sometimes.
Yeah, gay's is cool with me.
So long as he doesn't want
a threesome.
Mmm...
Nah, come on.
LIZA: Tah-da! Bedlam.
You got a lot of threads, kid.
So do you. Get rid of them.
MAN: Oh, we're going to
have such a good time!
LIZA: Oh, firm. Nice.
ROBIN: Pink lipstick!
Darling!
For Tallulah, never.
Leave that trick this minute
and bring me blood red.
I haven't got any.
ROBIN: Frosty pink,
no less.
Even those fairies at Fox
managed to get me red lips.
Okay, okay.
I'll catch you later, okay?
ROBIN: I may be
small-chested, but this
is ridiculous.
Now get me the red.
-There, red.
-Oh, thank you.
[BUZZING]
Oh, it's Perry. Let
the wretched stewardess in.
I can't fly this plane alone.
I can't. I can't!
It's hideous, isn't it?
No, no. It's real cute.
It's real cute.
I knew it. Even Karen Black
wasn't pretty in this junk.
I've got to change it all.
I was born to be blonde.
Liza? Could I wear some
little thing of yours?
Perry, your legs and your
thighs are twice my size.
Any old throw-away thing.
Liza, I'm desperate.
[GASPS]
-This is perfect.
-No, Perry. That's my best.
This is your best?
-Oh, Liza, please!
-You'll stretch it to shreds!
No, I won't.
If I do, I'll buy you a new...
-Whatever it is.
-Liza?
Oh, Stuart, this is Perry.
-Perry...
-Liza!
-Well, if you ruin it...
-I'll buy you seven of them.
I warned you.
Oh, my God!
Tallulah lives.
What the...
No autographs, darling.
My hands are much too busy.
That's my mother's
honeymoon gown!
Wardrobe neglected to tell
me these were hand-me-downs.
My last picture
for my Republic.
Now, this is more me.
You look like Shelley Winters
hiding behind
Farah Fawcett-Majors.
Robin, that dress is divine!
Thank you, darling.
Do you have cab fare?
Are you kidding?
-Liza?
-Broke. Take the streetcar.
What star ever took
a streetcar?
♪ Judy Garland.
Clang, clang,
clang went the... ♪
The trolley, but that was on
the MGM back lot, darling,
not down St. Clair Avenue.
Let's hop it, Shell.
Oh, you're going to win first
prize, Robin.
It was ever so meeting
you, Stuart.
Can't you see the boy has
a hard-on, for Christ's sake,
come on.
It's better the second time,
isn't it?
Oh, baby!
I could go all night with you.
Oh, gee! Shoes, shoes!
What's happened?
Mobbed by fans.
What a ruthless profession!
What is it?
-What the hell?
-Oh, just put it
on hold, darling.
They want me for a club date
locally, wouldn't you know?
What?
Well, darling,
MC a drag show.
Do they pay?
Only with applause.
God, the provinces!
When's your first show?
Oh, I didn't say there was
going to be one.
-On or off, kids?
-Off!
The ordinary triumphs again.
Oh, he'll be terrific.
Do you know what, Liza?
There are a lot of guys,
regular guys, who'd
really dig a chick like you.
Oh, yeah?
What do you mean by regular?
Well, dammit, why do you
live with that?
Because that is
my best friend.
I'm sorry.
All the shrink's horses and
all the shrink's men couldn't
put Liza together again,
-but Robin, he...
-Just forget it, baby.
I didn't mean anything.
Get your hands off me.
I'm tired.
Shit!
You know, I'll never
understand it.
What?
Oh, why all straight guys
always turn out to be such
suck holes.
You damned crazy bitch!
You're crazy!
I'm allowed.
Dr. Beddoes said so.
An MC. Hmm.
You really were fantastic.
It takes two to... You know.
I meant at the ball.
Funniest I've seen.
Thanks.
That girl back there.
Did you ever make it with her?
No, we've got other things
going for us.
-Well.
-What?
Look.
I thought I had enough money
to get me through the rest
of the week, and I'm short.
Can you help me out?
What you're really asking is
for me to pay for it,
isn't it?
I made the back page of
The Advocatea couple
of months back.
Oh, a celebrity on my
very own couch.
Well, in that case...
Listen, I don't usually make
it with drag queens at all.
It's not just me,
none of the guys.
Hey, please.
Just take the money.
Okay, okay. I thought you
knew how things are.
Does it really matter?
LIZA: Robin?
Robin, are you all right?
Good night, Phil.
-Robin?
-Oh, not now, Liza.
Have you decided about
the club yet, Robin?
When I was 14, I looked
in the mirror
and I said, "Admit it, Robin.
You're different."
I learned I could get by
as long as I kept the lid on.
A few years later, I looked
again, and said,
"Robin, you're a typical,
screaming hairdresser."
So I put the lid on
a little tighter.
Somehow, I got through all
the days, and all the jobs,
never really happy but,
somehow, getting by.
Then, tonight, I blew off
all the lids, and out popped
this junk.
Do you know what it's like
when a really good-looking boy
looks at you and all he sees
is a drag queen?
It's no good, Liza.
Robin, if a caterpillar was
afraid of wings, it would
never become a butterfly,
and people would look at it
and say, "Oh, look, there's
a worm on the tree."
But they'd never see it
spinning colors into the air.
You've got to do
the club, Robin.
Why?
Well, if people laugh, then
they don't go crazy.
"Presenting the dazzling
Robin Turner."
You're nuts.
Aw, do it for me, Robin.
Do it for me
and all the crazies.
But it is a
professional engagement.
Saturday is our peak day,
and I will not let you go
flitting off
in the middle of the afternoon
so you can do tacky drag
at night.
It is not tacky drag.
I do real impressions.
No records. My own voice.
-And your own tits?
-Now, who's tacky?
I need a Saturday afternoon
off to shop and rehearse
and... You know.
Listen, running a beauty salon
is very serious.
I mean, it's all in the image
of the hairdresser.
Those ladies don't come in
here to have their hair done,
they come in to have their
egos boosted by men.
And if you lose that straight
image, you lose the clients.
Who wants to be felt up
by faggots?
I can think of two people in
this room who'd love it.
Thank heavens that crazy
girl works as a cover for you.
But a drag queen
working in my shop...
Never.
Maybe I shouldn't
work here at all, then.
Oh, no one would ever know.
I'll be a better worker
if I'm happy.
You know, everybody in my
group tells me I'm a sucker
for the sobbers.
Why do I have to feel
guilty about saying no?
Please?
But 2:30? Why can't you
wait till 3:30 or 4:00?
Three.
Okay. Okay! Now, can we get
this place open?
Right, sir.
Good morning.
Ah, Mrs. O'Brien. I just put
on some fresh coffee for you.
I'll bet.
I've got to find some really,
really good stuff.
You know Beddoes.
Oh, I used to think he had
superior intelligence, but
I don't think that anymore.
Yeah, well he sure can tell
when you were lying.
I mean, last time I couldn't
find my journal, I made up
some really good stuff
about screwing Dracula. Only
he said he knew it was phony.
He said phonies get sent back.
The hospital's not that bad.
People listen.
I know. Stuff about Zar.
No, Robin changing
into Tallulah.
That was real.
Well, they're all real,
stupid.
The mouthless runs
to the windows.
Beddoes will love it.
I'll even throw in some
good sex.
-Bye!
-Adios.
LIZA: "And the jawless ones
stretched liver-red tongues
"that lapped at the window
pane. Pain! Pain, screeching
in hungry agony.
"'Liza, Liza, devour us.' And
the teeth were puncture sharp
and ripping jagged.
"They would tear my nipples
into ground meat."
And what did you do?
I took another nardil.
You understood the faces
were not real.
Hallucinations.
They come only from you,
and only you can control them.
You'll have to learn how.
Before I forget, I'm almost
out of nardil,
and valium, too.
Nurse Carr's reported you're
living with a man.
Oh?
And that there's a lot of
rye being consumed.
How does she know?
The garbage.
She spies on my garbage?
It's for you own
protection, Liza.
Well, the rye is Martin's.
I mean, he comes over to talk
and he's always cold.
And the man?
Robin's just a roommate,
that's all.
Does he have
other girlfriends?
No.
Boyfriends.
Do you know what rents are
these days?
I have to have a roommate.
You know, Liza, they've
opened the new wing
at Morningside.
It's sunny and clean, they're
using new therapies...
No. I'm doing fine. I'm doing
great. I'll do whatever you
say. I'm fine. I'm fine.
You have to be very careful.
Pregnancy is unthinkable
in your condition.
No, Robin and I sleep in
different worlds.
Well, I don't like
the situation at all.
But, all right.
We'll give it a bit more time,
but you must stay on
the birth control pills.
And the nardil?
I'll phone the drugstore.
Thank you.
Beddoes wants me to go back
in to Morningside.
He says I'll always be schizo.
First, there was Joan Crawford
in Possessed.
Then Joanne Woodward in
The Three Faces of Eve.
Now, Liza Connor in
Schizo Forever.
But, Robin, maybe I wouldn't
hallucinate so much if
I was back in the hospital.
There are three important
things in life, sex, movies
and my career.
You should think almost
entirely of them, and never
about yourself.
Liza's brain runs round and
round. Liza's head is
full of sounds.
Liza's the one born dead.
Liza's the one without
any head.
Step up, kid. How's this?
What are you doing?
It's for my opening.
The club manager is
a Bette Davis freak.
Oh, Robin, you're going
to do it!
It took me hours to find
her record.
You're going to need a dress.
A really good dress.
You bet. Isn't it lucky
they taught you sewing
at the nutty bin?
Oh, Robin, my own machine!
Now, I want something smart
and sensible by Saturday.
♪
Terrible old line. I thought
I had some good stuff here.
This is crap!
Do you see some of those
guys out there? Ooh, wow!
I don't know what to say.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
-What am I going to say?
-It's too late.
You're going to say that
Miss Montego Bay is
the hottest piece in town.
Now, move that white
ass, honey.
Right on.
Anita Bryant sent me down
here to beat some sense
into you frozen fruits.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Start
squeezing, mama.
Ah, what a dump.
Speaking of Joan Crawford,
Joan and I were
reminiscing recently.
And I reminded her of all the
times that she's been evil.
Capital E, evil,
in her pictures.
Her very moving pictures.
Do you remember in
Mildred Pierce,she played
a waitress,
but she couldn't wait to beat
up Ann Blyth because she was
stealing her boyfriend,
Zachary Scott. Well, Joan gave
her the shoulders
and the full treatment.
Vera, you little tramp.
Then, of course, years later,
she graduated to a typist
who couldn't type.
Because she was going out
with an out-patient.
Where else would you go
with an out-patient?
And, one day, he picked up
her typewriter and
smashed her hand.
She took her one good hand
and got Vera Miles
right on the cheek.
Why, you little slut!
I finally got her where
I want her.
Come on, Blanche, let's go
for a walk.
Oh, Jane, you wouldn't treat
me so cruelly if I weren't
in a wheelchair.
But you are.
Thank you.
Now, enough nostalgia.
I'd like to present a little
Christmas cheer,
Mr. Jackie Loren.
[APPLAUSE]
Oh, Robin, you dazzled them.
Please, I detest
cheap sentiment.
♪
[LIP SYNCHING]
More gin, and a plate
of food, please.
Drags are the worst.
Mmm.
She used to write pretty well
when we were in school. I
wonder if she's still writing.
I don't know.
Who is that?
That's Jo.
She's a magazine editor.
She was the most popular
girl in my graduating class.
-The other one?
-Oh, Anne.
I bet she's a revolutionary.
She's even built like
a revolutionary.
Anne's gay, Martin.
It figures.
But Jo... But Jo is straight.
And she'd really love you,
because you were sent away.
MAN: Well, then, why don't
they pay him if he's
such dynamite?
I mean, 20 bucks a show.
In Canada, we perform
for love.
The gay clubs in this town
don't make enough money. No
one gets paid for doing drag.
Well, being gay is one thing,
but doing drag...
Oh!
Oh, sugar, he wants
to liberate the denim fags
and lock up the satin queens.
Not now, fuzzy pear.
Maybe we can go for
a drive later.
He's a cab driver.
A Yellow Cab.
The night before that, she
was with a Metro cabbie.
Did you want to be a girl
when you were little?
Oh! It was so tragic!
Having to wear Mummy's bra
to school.
But, who's the real
Robin Turner?
There are a lot of Robin
Turners. Baby, I'm a
plural person.
That doesn't make any sense.
Making sense is dull.
Dull, darling.
Thank you, darling.
Oh, Liza! Empty glasses.
Have you seen my lovely
collection? Come here
and have a look.
This guy, Brian De Palma,
makes the most
fabulous movies.
[PHONE RINGS]
If that's Dino De Laurentiis,
tell him I'm not speaking
to him and he knows why.
Hello.
Oh, mother.
Well, Merry Christmas, mother.
No, mother, I know what
day it is.
Merry Christmas Eve, I meant.
No, I'm sure Beddoes didn't
mean it like that.
No, I am not having
more hallucinations.
Look, I don't care if they
take Mediterranean cruises,
I am not going back to any
hospital ever again, mother.
Well, you can tell Daddy to
shove it. Your Christmas
card's in the mail.
Good night.
Oh, never wear your telephone
numbers on your wrist.
What?
You could get a reputation.
What's wrong, baby?
I guess I'm just
a little tired.
Maybe I'll have a little
nibble of something.
Haven't you eaten
anything yet?
No, I don't think so.
You mean Robin let you serve
everybody and didn't let you
stop to eat?
I wasn't hungry before.
[SWEARS IN FRENCH]
I'll see what I can find.
No, Mae West is not a man.
She's just a very tough woman.
No offense.
You faggot!
I'm working on it.
Okay, cut the Shirley Temple
act, will you?
It might go down with Liza
but it don't with me.
What?
While you've been out there
swishing and drinking, she's
been working like some
damned slave, and she hasn't
even had time to eat herself.
-She's very thin, Robin.
-Ann, no, please.
I didn't know she
hadn't eaten.
There's not a thing,
not even soup.
Well, I'll go out for
something, then.
You are a sick, power-hungry,
egotistical fag, and you need
someone to push around.
So along comes Liza,
someone who is disturbed,
someone who can't complain
no matter what you do to her.
-Because she loves you...
-Or she thinks she loves you.
She is sick and you use her.
Don't coddle him.
It's bad for both of you.
Liza.
Don't do that.
No one can do that.
Robin. Robin, please don't
shut me out here with them.
-Do I take advantage of you?
-No.
I wanted this party to be so
happy, and now it's, like,
Valley of the Dolls.
The only true thing that they
said out there was that
I love you.
All right, what are you up to?
Oh, I just came in a little
early to do all the girls
for the big Easter show.
Peggy, Tallulah, Bette.
Peggy O'Brien's son is gay.
Whoopee!
She caught him doing the
telephone man in the study.
He told her everything.
Liberation comes
to Thorncliffe.
You know, he even told her
about that nifty club he goes
to where some of the men
dress up like women.
Men she knows.
You're fired.
Wait 'til Beddoes...
Wait until mother finds...
What? Oh, hey, sorry.
I'm sorry. Yeah. Right.
Thanks very much. Bye.
[LAUGHS]
Oh, wow!
-Announcement.
-Huh?
-What?
-Jason tints his pubic hair.
-You're fired.
-Mm-hmm.
If I want to work in this
town, I've got to stop
the drag.
Oh, well. Now my announcement.
I'm not the one born dead.
Robin, I'm pregnant.
-You're kidding.
-No.
I figure fuzzy bear.
Yellow Cab, I think.
-Have you told him?
-Why? This is my baby.
-You're going to have it?
-Yep. Right after New Year's.
It proves I'm alive.
They can never get me now.
Babies are expensive.
Yeah, I know, but we'll work
it out. We'll work it out.
I know we will.
DR. BEDDOES: But the birth control pills?
I take so many pills.
I get confused.
The abortion's going to be
very hard on your system.
I'm not having an abortion.
I'm having a baby.
Liza, you cannot have a baby.
With all the pills you have
to take, you're not
strong enough.
I am, too. I'm strong
and alive, just like
everybody else.
But a pregnancy could
unbalance you.
You'll be back at
Morningside in no time.
Oh, no, I won't. They don't
take expectant mothers
in the locked wards.
They're just my bills.
Robin!
Don't worry. If we lose them,
they'll send us some more.
Come on, Liza. I've seen
other pregnant women on
the beach. Nobody cares.
And I'm sick of going alone
all the time.
Martin, I just have too much
to do.
Well, is it a good story?
A little premature.
Robin triumphs?
It'll happen.
It's back-to-school weather
again, and a year,
still nothing.
I'll write an early letter
to Santa.
This time, I have it.
I really have it.
Karen Black as she was
in Nashville.
Oh, cross your eyes
and hope to die.
Robin, she is an actress.
Why don't you just skip
the ball and do a number at
the club this year?
Hey. But what could I do?
Whatever Robin
tells you to do.
Can I wear red?
No, only black and white.
Oh, would you show me
a few dance steps?
Honey, when I'm through with
you, I'll have you moving over
the entire floor.
Hi, boys.
Are you looking for
a good time?
Well...
It's a little pushy,
but it's you.
Wait, wait, wait.
No, what I wanted to tell
you was, uh,
I got this... I went to a
Hadassah Bazaar, actually
and I picked up this big
machine, this, what do you
call it, a moviola.
And we cut the picture myself,
because that way we get a
woman's point of view,
you know. This woman.
And, actually, I had very good
dialog with Kristofferson
through the whole picture.
If you recall, every time
he says,
"Watch closely, now,"
I'd say, "Cut!"
And, speaking of stars, it's
really nice being born a star.
Yes.
No, wait a minute.
And, um...
Speaking of stars,
our next performer
isn't one, but...
No, but I know with your help
and my coaching,
we can really do it.
Clear the way, boys. Come on,
clear the way, and let's bring
on Sister Perry.
[APPLAUSE]
♪
[LIP SYNCHING]
But you were sensational
tonight. I tell you, you're
ready for your big break.
How much do they pay?
Listen, fella, performers
don't get paid in New York,
not until they're stars.
Oh, Robin's a star.
But he's got to prove it
where it counts.
Look, the Jackrabbit is
a fantastic showcase for
new talent.
You could get spotted by
really big people there.
I can give you two months
to make it.
Wouldn't you come?
Do you know what it costs
to have a baby in the States?
I'll get a club date here.
A high-paying one.
Oh, yeah? Well, let's just
see what makes it in Toronto.
Oh, here's Andy and
his Bavarian accordion
at the Sheraton.
Maybe you'll get sick.
Oh, and here's Anne Murray
coming to the Gardens.
Maybe we'll get sick.
Look, the straight clubs in
this town just aren't ready.
Besides, no Canadian act
makes it here without
the U.S. seal of approval.
You're going to have to go
down to the States sometime,
Robin, I mean,
look at Gordon Lightfoot.
-Monty Hall.
-You've got no choice.
Well, I'd have
to start singing.
I'd want piano and drums.
The Jackrabbit's got them.
What else can you do?
Apply for
a Canada Council grant?
LIZA: Wow! New York!
Oh, I'm so excited,
I wish we were going.
These communists need me
right here.
Oh, he's going to make it!
Real big!
No, bigger.
Okay, this is it.
I hate goodbyes.
You take good care of her.
Bye. Hey, be dazzling, okay?
-I love you.
-Yeah?
[BELL RINGS]
Oh, Martin, take me home.
This is no place for seeing
the bone crusher.
[ROBIN SINGING]
BOB: Oh, no, you won't,
fella. You're going to be on
10th Avenue.
The real street
of broken dreams.
Aw, listen, mighty mouth,
Streisand opened on the
other side of the river.
At least I'm opening
in Manhattan.
BOB: [LAUGHS] Yeah,
at the Jackrabbit Club.
What do you know about it?
I know lots about it.
I'm an out-of-work agent.
Got your own car and
everything, huh?
Listen, I was the best junior
William Morris ever had.
All he ever talked about was
packages. Packages, I though
I was in Bloomingdale's.
So I got bored and quit.
I'm just doing this
between careers.
Oh.
Oh, God! The Great White Way?
You're a drag, huh?
No, I just like
to travel heavy.
You think you can help me out
with this stuff?
Hey, this is New York, fella.
Oh, I can't make an entrance
solo, come on. Spend a few
minutes with a star.
Yeah, what's in it for me?
I'll make you my
New York agent.
That's ten percent of nothing.
What else?
[IMITATING MAE WEST] Oh,
I don't negotiate on the
street, Sagebrush.
Not bad.
Maybe I can pick up my
afternoon trick in there.
Isn't anybody
straight anymore?
Sure.
My father in Montana.
[LAUGHS]
♪
MAN: Why don't you give me
a chance, man?
I had an act that killed them
dead in Detroit.
I'll bet it was a pip.
In the back, honey.
In the back.
A communique. From China.
They say I'm going to be
very helpful in the
China-Russia border dispute.
Did Robin change trains
in Buffalo? I want to get
the facts straight.
They need me to replace Mao.
I'm going to put all
the Chinese
in concentration camps.
Mao didn't like the Chinese.
He was baptized a Catholic
by the missionaries.
Are you going to write about
my concentration camps?
Oh, maybe I should go back
into the hospital.
Nonsense. You belong out here.
It's really cold in Buffalo,
isn't it?
Nobody listens!
I was so listening, Martin!
Look, I can write and I can
listen and I can have a baby
all at once, okay?
Now, just how in heck do you
think you're going to get
those Chinese
into your camps anyhow, huh?
There will be huge gardens,
with flowers and
everything, man.
I'll advertise at the capitol
so they'll be
on display inside.
And the Chinese can come
puncture their eardrums
with chopsticks.
Martin, have you
ever read Nietzsche?
No.
With the Chinese in camps and
the Russians in camps, there
won't be a border dispute.
And I'm going to put
the capitalists in there
too, man.
I'm going to be the biggest
enemy of capitalism
in history.
There are a lot of capitalists
in Buffalo.
Yeah, well that's why it's
always on fire.
♪
Jimmy wants to know what
you want.
Just tell him a quick intro
and a loud drum roll.
Okay.
-The spot right on the door.
-Right on the door?
Here's looking at ya, Liza.
Gents and pansies, kings and
queens, soldiers and seafood.
We have a new performer in
tonight, all the way
from Toronto.
I love upstate New York.
I was in Toronto once. The
only female impersonator they
had at the time was a woman.
Anyway, here he is, Toronto's
favorite man about town,
Mr. Robin Turner.
Save your hands, boys,
you might need them later.
Ooh, I feel like a million
tonight, one at a time.
Ooh, if I'd known you were
going to be here, I would have
worn a leather boa.
Who's this, your lover?
Try it, you'll like it.
I don't care how big they are,
there's just so many puffs
in a good cigar.
MAN: Oh, yeah? How would
you know about it, Mae?
Well, the secret to my success
is not the men you see me
with, it's the men you don't
see me with.
Hit it, boys.
♪
♪ Frankie and Johnny were lovers Lord, how they could love
♪ They swore they'd be true to each other
♪ And, boy, they fit like
a glove
♪ He was his man But he was doing him wrong
♪ Frankie and Johnny
went dancing
♪ They loved to disco
and cruise
♪ Don't take your man to a disco, baby If you've got a lot to lose
♪ Hold on to your guys I'm going to put you wise
♪ One night Frankie did a booking Turned on a number or two
♪ Johnny saw the whole
thing happen
♪ And he said, "Frankie,
you, too"
♪ He got Frankie mad
♪ Then they started to quarrel And out came the boots and the whips
♪ After they fought they loved so hard Johnny broke Frankie's hips
♪ They had a fight And then they loved all night
♪ This story has no moral
This poem has no rhyme
♪ My message here is simple If you're gonna do it Do it all the time
♪ Do your man And don't do him wrong ♪
But I don't know where he is.
Did he ever get violent
with you?
Martin's very gentle. If he's
done anything wrong, you can
blame Mao Tse Tung.
She makes up foreign names
sometimes. She invented
a whole language once.
She's a very sick girl.
Well, you can't stay here
because he might come back.
Martin would never hurt me.
Liza, he just wounded
a man with a knife.
Maybe you'd better come
home with us, dear.
I'll speak to your father.
No! No.
Did Martin have any
favorite hangouts?
Yeah, Morningside nuthouse.
You should cooperate with me,
young lady.
That boy has got to be caught
and locked up.
Why does everybody always
want to lock everybody
else up?
I mean, who's insane, anyhow?
Let's get your overnight bag.
No. No, mother. I've got
a lot of places to go, and
I've got a lot of friends.
Will they hurt Martin?
How do you do your tits
like that?
Well, I generally have someone
do them for me.
Bet you had little
injections, eh?
Oh, little injections ain't
my style.
Are you really his agent?
Had to shape his act
for years.
So, you guys, do you want
to come to my house and play?
All three of us?
Look, I'm just too horny
to make an intelligent choice.
-Okay, you're on.
-I'll be right back.
-I leaned on Jimmy.
-Oh?
He's going to charge a cover
at the door on weekends.
We'll split it. It should
bring you 50 or 75 a week.
And there's a room upstairs.
You get it.
That's rather sweet.
Is it equipped?
-Fully.
-Yum-yum.
Mmm. Bon appetit!
I really hope you're going
to be happy here.
How can things this old
be this clean?
Liza, would you let me read
some of your stories?
-But they're just for crazies.
-I know.
But I'm a good editor, and
I know a bit about people.
Maybe I could help you
get started.
You mean you think I can
sell them? For money?
-We'll see, okay?
-Okay.
Baby. A real live, normal,
genius baby.
[BELL RINGING]
Zar! Zar, you promised not
to follow me here, anymore.
Yes, I still love you,
too, but...
No! No. Now, you can't start
going through the ceiling,
Not here no.
You've got to go away for
good, now, Zar. You've got to.
Zar, I live in a real house
and everything.
Don't you understand?
No. No jokes.
I'm not going to laugh.
I'm not going to. I...
Oh, Zar, I'm normal now.
I'm normal, and you can't
stay here anymore.
Please, Zar, you've got
to go away.
I knew you'd understand, Zar.
I knew you would.
I'll miss you.
I'll miss you until
my baby comes.
[CAR HORN HONKING]
No! No, move.
Over to the left.
Yeah. Sorry, darling,
non-union stage hands.
You've saved that much
already in a month?
My agent assures me he can
get me a club date uptown.
I'll get the money together
yet, kid.
Christmas lights?
Jimmy, I am a star, but not
a star of Bethlehem.
I'll have you know I got these
from Carol Channing's
personal wardrobe.
Hurry up and drop the kid,
okay? Get down here.
Love you. Bye.
Just four more weeks.
Plenty of time to work
on the story.
How much do you think
I'd get for it?
It's good. It's really good.
Only, these incomplete
sentences, like...
"She had to erupt the truth
from his brain. She said,"
dot, dot, dot.
-She said what?
-Whatever you like.
Yeah, but that's not how
you write a story.
It's reader participation.
Everybody knows the truth,
their own truth.
You just fill it in.
Whoops, time for
the belly-man.
You mean the gynecologist.
Right, look, why don't you
just fix it all yourself?
I really need the money for
New York, and I'd really
appreciate it.
Oh, well, you know. Bye.
[SIRENS WAILING]
-You're taking it?
-Yeah.
It's within my budget.
Robin, this neighborhood!
It's freak city.
Well, I want Liza to feel
at home.
Get him out of here!
Get him out!
Liza, stop. Lie down.
He's come for my baby.
You're not making any sense.
Doctor!
Doctor, hurry up.
I don't know what to do.
You can't have my baby.
You can't have my baby.
You can't have him.
I've got other
responsibilities. I...
I'm not a nurse.
That doesn't make him go away!
This will stop
the hallucination.
But it doesn't work.
It only makes me weak.
He's right there!
Push him off my belly!
-Robin! Robin, I did it!
-At this hour?
Listen to me, you're not
going to believe this.
It started out so silly.
Every Thursday night,
in this backroom bar,
me and this superhump
start getting it off.
Except he was always so
detached, he never spoke,
you know the type.
-It was just sex.
-Only that?
By the third week, I got
tired of the routine,
and I asked him to come
up to my place. No answer.
So I said I had some
Colombian grass.
He still wouldn't talk.
So, I got mad. "No one's
that gorgeous," I said.
-So, you know what he said?
-What?
Oh, no!
He was a deaf mute,
for Christ's sake!
It's good to know you're
an equal opportunity slut.
Anyway, then I met his uncle.
I've never heard of
a sugar uncle.
Uncle Ziggy, from
Ziggy's Cabaret, uptown.
Now, he has try-out nights
for new acts.
Yeah?
And, thanks to me, next
Monday night, you're it.
Oh!
Now, the crowd's not huge,
and all you get is a plain
stage, the house band
and a mike, but it they like
you, I can get you Mondays
regular for a month.
You know, all these years
I thought it was the star
who got to whore her way
to the top.
I think it's about time you
got some new material
into your act.
-How about chiffon?
-Robin, aren't you excited?
I'm terrified.
Class costs.
[OVER PA]
Dr. Chatsworth,
Dr. Chatsworth.
-BOB: Will you calm down?
-ROBIN: How much
time have I got?
You've got ten minutes.
Geez, Louise, I'm going
to flop.
Have you seen that crowd out
there? Not just straight,
dead, maybe.
Robin, even the Waldorf
isn't straight.
It depends on which john
you use, slut!
-Thanks for staying, Anne.
-Sure.
Sure.
I think this is it.
Okay. Nurse!
[DRUM ROLL]
♪
[SINGING AS CAROL CHANNING]
You know, we've been singing
that song for 25 years, now,
and it's almost perfect.
Right now, I've decided
to take a new role,
a new characterization,
a new wig and everything.
I've accepted the title role
in Who's Afraid of
Virginia Wolff.
We're opening at the
Owensboro Drive-In
Dinner Theater.
Recently I attended
a cattle-call audition
in New York City,
and they were auditioning
girls, you see, to find out
who would be
my replacement as Lorelei Lee.
Well, some of the greatest
people showed up,
and my favorite of all
was Marlene Dietrack... Trick!
This is the best act you've
ever had.
[SINGING WITH
THICK GERMAN ACCENT]
I don't think this song is
right for me.
Smash his camera.
ROBIN: Hi! Ethel Merman, here. I just love tunes.
I sing them all. I hope you like the lyrics, because you're sure gonna hear them.
[SINGING AS ETHEL MERMAN]
Let's try Ella Fitzgerald.
She's a good singer.
[SCATTING]
Oh, whoa, honey! Pearly Mae,
here. How you doing?
That's good, Ella. Nice.
But I tell you, I know a lot
about men and rock.
And a lot about saving
Carol Channing's vehicles.
So we'll get it to run another
year. Come on, just take it
easy, boys.
♪
[SINGING AS PEARL BAILEY]
I don't need this job.
I do not need this job.
Let's try Miss Bette Midler.
♪
[SINGING AS BETTE MIDLER]
ROBIN: [AS CHANNING] Oh, stop. There's only one Lorelei, and that's me.
And this is the way the song should be done forever. Pencils poised.
[APPLAUSE]
[SINGING]
[CHEERING]
MAN: Encore! Encore!
There bananas for you out
there. You've got to do
an encore.
I don't know anything more.
I've done everything I know.
You've got to do one.
Peggy, no. Jolson. Judy!
You haven't done Judy yet.
Oh, uh, Judy, okay.
I'll sing them all, and we'll
stay all night.
♪
[SINGING AS JUDY GARLAND]
You've got to be kidding.
Do you have any idea what
our overhead is?
This figure isn't enough,
and I don't care if we are
only playing one night a week.
Now, you talk to me about
money. You name me
some figures.
All right, all right.
How about another $75?
Okay, that's cool, but it's
not an exclusive contract.
We get to play downtown
at the Jackrabbit Club
on weekends.
All right, yes.
Now, just sign it.
No, no, wait a minute. There's
this clause about costumes
and music.
I'm not at all sure I like it.
God dammit!
Okay, good. Next Monday.
Now, I want to see the exact
same show that I saw tonight.
No improvising.
-Made it.
-Made it!
[LAUGHING]
Well, is it a boy or a girl,
or won't say?
The baby was born dead.
I'm dead inside, Robin.
The bone crusher
has conquered.
That's not true, Liza.
You see what you've done
to my little girl in your
wild life?
I'm going to lose my baby
again. She's going to go
back to Morningside.
And it's your fault,
Robin Turner.
It wasn't his fault.
Well, it was somebody's fault.
-Come on, Bob, drive.
-Where to?
Canada.
So, if you need anything, you
just shout or drop a book and
I'll be there. Okay?
Hey. They can't force you
into Morningside.
Not if you're acting healthy,
you know?
They got Martin, now me.
Old times.
Liza!
Come in.
Anne, I've come for Liza.
Please don't give me
any trouble.
Okay, but hurry up before
Jo comes in.
Okay? I even got you
a new cab driver.
A New York one.
A gay one, thank God.
Daddy's got a show to do now.
He needs some more dresses.
Careful.
Bye, Anne. Thanks.
Bye, Robin.
Bye, Liza.
With Ziggy's on Mondays and
the Jackrabbit on weekends,
we've got money, money, money.
Oh, Liza so
adores Woolworth's.
There. You're all unpacked.
You're home.
Come on, say, "home"
for Da-da.
-You're home.
-Robin!
Are you sure this is the right
place for her?
There are no right places
for people like Liza.
Come on, baby. Showtime!
I'm dead.
You're not dead, but you're
getting pretty boring.
BOB:
Who are you doing tonight?
Someone new for
Miss Living Dead.
You're taking her to
the Jackrabbit?
No, you are.
And these, and this.
See if you can get her
to scribble something in it.
-And dress her up a little.
-Me?
Pretend she's a guy.
Make her pretty.
Robin, dammit! You are nuts.
Big news.
♪
[SINGING]
Fantastic.
Autographs? Sure.
Got any valium
in there, chicky?
I hope you liked my song.
I do my best. I try.
The bone crusher.
He's not here.
He'll show up. Everybody gets
here eventually.
But I'm in his domain.
I'm dead inside.
You're not dead.
You're alive and sick and
living in New York like
eight million other people.
Listen. You're Liza.
You're not Jo, you're not
your mother,
you're not any of the people
the doctors wanted to make
you into.
You'll never be normal,
but you're special.
And you can have a hell
of a good time.
You know,
there's only one thing.
You're mad as a hatter,
darling. [LAUGHS]
But that's all right,
because so am I.
So am I.
I've never known anyone
worth knowing
who wasn't
a positive fruitcake.
We're all nuts.
You and me are here to love
and look after each other.
You're not dead, you just
have a healthy case
of craziness.
-Craziness?
-Yes. Make it work for you.
Mad.
Mad, darling.
-Mad.
-Mad.
-Mad.
-Mad.
Mad!
Mad!
You got it! Mad!
-Mad!
-Mad!
-Mad!
-Mad!
-Mad!
-Mad!
♪
Isn't there any
professionalism in this club?
Would you spin my
record, please?
♪
You did a great job
on his wig.
You're the best in Toronto.
It's a pity he wouldn't let me
lacquer his face, as well.
[LIP SYNCHING]
You're just dying to get
up on that stage.
Ha! I'm not that desperate
for attention. Not yet.
[PANTING]
3A. 3A! I knew I remembered!
I knew it!
♪
Ugh! I'll be there, too,
darling. On key, I hope.
[BUZZING]
Damn! Perry!
[BUZZING]
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
Good queens are never early.
Good queens are late.
Late, Perry.
Robin?
Liza!
I was so afraid you weren't
going to be home.
I escaped.
You're going to make
the doctors real mad.
Oh, no, I won't.
I was never certified.
It'll be all right. Sort of.
-I can stay, can't I, Robin?
-Here?
I'll get my own place soon.
Really.
I'm not crazy like they say.
They only make me crazier.
Oh, Robin, please!
Sure, baby. Come on.
-It won't be for very long.
-It doesn't matter.
Come on.
I'm better already.
Really, I am.
Sit down.
Warm hands.
[BELLS TINKLING]
[VOICE WHISPERING INAUDIBLY]
[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]
[GIBBERISH]
[GIBBERISH]
[GIBBERISH]
Liza.
-What is it?
-[GIBBERISH]
It's here. Why?
Okay.
Back to the cages, Kong.
Go. Okay.
We can make it together.
Push.
Push.
Harder. Harder!
He always finds me.
He says I'm the one born dead.
So he comes to grind my bones
into powder.
He's a bone crusher from
the other place where
they all laugh at me.
The hospital?
No. No, the other place.
The other place where
the great divider reigns.
[GIBBERISH]
What are you saying?
I don't understand.
It's the other language.
It's hard to translate
into English.
Zar taught it to me.
He's from the other place,
too, only he's different.
He's beautiful like
a dragonfly.
He used to come to me,
after the shock treatments,
and he'd put on little
performances to make the pain
behind my head go away.
He's so funny. Sometimes I'd
tell him that I love him and
he'd grow too tall for the
ceiling. It was so funny.
But I can't let him stay
anymore. I can't let him
stay anymore. Not anymore.
Careful. A girl needs friends.
No, but you don't understand.
He's from the other place.
And I'm not part
of them anymore.
The others,
they still come sometimes.
They think and say that
the one who's born dead
belongs with them,
but they're wrong. I'm alive.
I'm alive. I'm alive.
Hey, let's just call
the doctor.
No. No! No, no, no.
No. The doctors and the white
horse, they've got keys
to lock up my brain.
They come at me with needles
and take me to electro-
dungeons and sizzle my brain.
I've got to think to fight off
the bone crusher,
and in the hospital,
they don't let you think.
They say they don't see
the bone crusher, but I know.
I know. I know they see him.
They're his helpers.
You've got to promise not
to tell anyone.
It's very dangerous.
They gotta spoil all special
people. You gotta promise,
Robin, you gotta...
I promise.
Oh, good. Good. I can do it.
I can go sane just like
anybody else.
Of course you can.
I told you he'd be
right along.
Now, Peggy O'Brien is out
there, and she's turning into
the Wicked Witch of the West.
Now move it! Now!
Right after mess, Sergeant
Jason, sir. Mother always told
me to have a good breakfast.
The only mother you have
to worry about is me,
and this mother is mad,
Turner, real mad!
You know Lana Turner was
my real mother.
Even a fag hairdresser like
you should recognize
these gams.
WOMAN: I brought your
suitcases, honey.
All your favorite clothes.
Let me bring them in for you.
We could talk.
No, mother. Mother, I've got
too much to do.
The nurse is coming, and I've
got to do things alone.
It's important, mother.
You blame me, don't you?
It was the best mental home
in the province.
What else could we do?
The nightmares you had,
the things you saw.
And the crying. I couldn't
stand you always crying, Liza.
[MOUTHING]
Liza!
We do love you, honey.
Whatever you do, you're
still my little girl.
You remember that.
And I beat everyone they
had in all afternoon.
They said I was the best game
player they had auditioned
in a month.
Magic Squaresis one game show
I could never get.
All those lights and buzzers,
and Canadian stars
I never heard of.
Oh, it's easy!
You watch tonight and I'll
show you how to play
and make bundles of money.
-Broadcast live, huh?
-Right across Canada.
Should we get
a little adventuresome?
Yeah, maybe just a tad.
Something regal.
Oh!
[BUZZING]
Open on the second ring.
The second ring.
[BUZZING]
-Liza Connors?
-Yes.
-Nurse Carr.
-Hello. Won't you come in?
Please excuse the disarray.
It's such a task settling in
to a new place.
Won't you sit down?
So, you don't think that
you need the hospital anymore.
Well, it's Dr. Beddoes'
decision to let you stay out.
It's on his hands,
not on mine.
I'll just keep an eye out
on you, just in case,
and I'll fill out the forms.
[KETTLE WHISTLING]
Oh, the kettle.
May I get you some tea?
Coffee. Milk, no sugar.
Coffee. No sugar.
You nurses drink tea,
not coffee.
Milk!
Here we are.
-I'm afraid it's only instant.
-What isn't these days?
[LAUGHS]
Now, medication.
Did Dr. Beddoes send you
your prescription?
Oh, yes. Yes.
Now, you must never forget
that you were in
a mental institution
for eight years, Liza.
You're schizophrenic, Liza.
Two nozinan upon waking,
three valium after breakfast,
three mylopan at two,
two nidol at seven,
and two valium at ten.
Now, are you dating anyone?
In your condition it would
be unthinkable
to risk pregnancy.
No. No dates.
Good.
Now, let's talk about bowels.
What?
Movement, consistency,
frequency?
Oh.
-Now?
-Just one more touch.
The new you.
[SCREAMS]
An Irish Cleopatra?
I functioned, Robin.
I really functioned well.
Good.
It's going to make one of
the best stories
for my crazies!
"She had a bag full of other
people's brains, and she
sat in my world,
"scribbling out mine!"
Do you know the power, just
so long as I can function?
I'm never going to go back
to that locked ward.
Good.
"I smiled at her. Not a very
large smile, though, or she'd
put me down as manic."
Robin, I was fabulous!
She said the welfare money
will be coming soon, and
I can start to share the rent.
Do you want a drink?
Okay.
You don't seem very excited
about my victory.
I mean, I know it's not a lot
for a lot of other people, but
it sure was a lot for me.
I'm just a little tired.
Are you mad at me for
not seeing mother?
No.
She always gets me so
depressed, and then I can't
keep my mind steady.
I know.
I mean, she comes with good
intentions, but she leaves
visions of lepers behind her.
You don't want me here,
do you?
You know better than that.
I don't know what I know.
I'm Crazy Liza.
You are not the only person
in the whole world
with feelings.
What?
-I am depressed. Okay?
-Why?
-Well, come on, tell me.
-It doesn't matter.
I'll slip the juice to your
noggin if you don't. Bzzz!
Caged! Like some wild
wonderful thing I am caged
in this snake pit!
Hey, I know, Robin.
Why don't you do my hair
all up and sexy,
and we can go out and cruise
everything in pants.
I'm sick of doing everyone
else's head.
Even Cleopatra's?
That bitch! Oh, she should
have tipped me fifty for
giving her class.
I guess she didn't want class.
Any woman in this town should
be thrilled to look like
Cleopatra, or Bette Davis.
I mean, those gals are tough.
I think they're made of steel,
but they're dazzling, alive.
They've got guts, and they had
fun. These women here, they...
They live life like it's a can
of Coke, and they're afraid
to drink it too fast
or it'll all be gone.
Life isn't a can of Coke.
Diet Pepsi.
They sit at my station and
they yak about renovating
their houses.
They should renovate their
shitty little lives instead.
Some days I think,
Robin Turner,
this is your life.
For the next forty years,
no dazzle.
So quit.
-And?
-Do something dazzling.
No, baby.
This is all there is.
I'm sorry, Robin.
-Don't touch me.
-Why not?
-I'm fat!
-I don't care.
-Well, I do.
-I love you, Robin.
Why?
Oh, because you're crazy.
Like me.
-Two Looney Tunes!
-We're going to work it out.
-Liza.
-What?
Your hair is shit.
Anyway, nobody listens
anymore. My psychiatrist
doesn't even listen.
Oh, come on. The people
in the hospital listen to you.
Yeah, and that's why they
sent me home. Too many
people were hearing the truth.
Oh, Martin, you don't belong
in that hospital.
I mean, you belong out here.
You can do things and be
someone out here.
Right.
In the capitalist jungle, man.
[MAKES MONKEY SOUNDS]
Excuse me, would you
sort these socks?
Hey, your liner's smeared.
No, they're turning Chinese.
It confuses some people.
I don't know, Liza.
I don't know.
Oh, but, Martin, that's what
it's all about.
It's about doing something
really big and important
and dazzling.
And I'll be doing enormous
things from now on.
Someday, I'm going to have
100 stories just for the
crazies all over the world.
But, if you don't eat your
lunch, you don't get
any din-din.
Do you write about the ovens?
You know they keep ovens
in the hospital.
I know, Martin.
For the lobotomies.
Baked lobotomies!
I detest Ukrainian food!
Oh, God. Perry.
You'll never guess!
Hi, Liza.
Hi, Perry.
I have found the solution.
I'm going as a stewardess.
Karen Black. Airport '75.
You'll never get out
of the cockpit, darling.
It was a positive brainstorm.
See?
Sensible shoes,
tasteful skirt, not a lot of
makeup, smallish breasts,
and...
Stylish, but no frills.
Look, everyone goes to these
drag contests all glitter and
glamour, but, I mean,
how many Zsa Zsa Gabors
can be in a room at a time?
No one's an individual.
Now, all I really need is
a really good flight bag.
No Air Canada vinyl stuff.
Something with class,
like Air France.
Hey, even fake's expensive
these days.
Oh, your liner's going.
-They're real!
-Ow!
-My eyes are real!
-All right, they're real.
A little smudged, but real.
I didn't know you liked
rough trade.
-Are you guys going?
-No.
Robin's just dying to do drag,
but he hasn't got the balls.
Get him something nice, honey.
They all look
like Joey Heatherton.
No one is real.
Are you telling me Karen Black
isn't real?
I know, Robin. You should get
Tallulah Bankhead to go.
-Who?
-Tallulah.
Even an Oriental prince should
know that name.
Tallulah lives inside Robin.
She's like Elsie. Do you
remember, she had all those
people who lived inside
and they used to pop out and
scare people, because they
still looked like Elsie.
Only Tallulah's different,
because she's a friend.
Well, never imprison your
friends, because they can pour
acid on your heart.
Oh, come on, Robin.
Get Tallulah to go, just for
the one night.
Out of sight!
Do you get to
the El Mocambo
much?
It depends how cute
the cabbie is on the way.
You trash!
[BELLS RING]
[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]
Get back to
the other place.
Here. Good little girls take
their pills, or no dessert.
-Are you into heavy drugs?
-Oh, very. Prescription.
You can get some real
bummers on chemicals,
you know.
Mmm.
No pills, no thrills.
Come on.
Hey, did I tell you about
my roomie?
I forget things sometimes.
Yeah, gay's is cool with me.
So long as he doesn't want
a threesome.
Mmm...
Nah, come on.
LIZA: Tah-da! Bedlam.
You got a lot of threads, kid.
So do you. Get rid of them.
MAN: Oh, we're going to
have such a good time!
LIZA: Oh, firm. Nice.
ROBIN: Pink lipstick!
Darling!
For Tallulah, never.
Leave that trick this minute
and bring me blood red.
I haven't got any.
ROBIN: Frosty pink,
no less.
Even those fairies at Fox
managed to get me red lips.
Okay, okay.
I'll catch you later, okay?
ROBIN: I may be
small-chested, but this
is ridiculous.
Now get me the red.
-There, red.
-Oh, thank you.
[BUZZING]
Oh, it's Perry. Let
the wretched stewardess in.
I can't fly this plane alone.
I can't. I can't!
It's hideous, isn't it?
No, no. It's real cute.
It's real cute.
I knew it. Even Karen Black
wasn't pretty in this junk.
I've got to change it all.
I was born to be blonde.
Liza? Could I wear some
little thing of yours?
Perry, your legs and your
thighs are twice my size.
Any old throw-away thing.
Liza, I'm desperate.
[GASPS]
-This is perfect.
-No, Perry. That's my best.
This is your best?
-Oh, Liza, please!
-You'll stretch it to shreds!
No, I won't.
If I do, I'll buy you a new...
-Whatever it is.
-Liza?
Oh, Stuart, this is Perry.
-Perry...
-Liza!
-Well, if you ruin it...
-I'll buy you seven of them.
I warned you.
Oh, my God!
Tallulah lives.
What the...
No autographs, darling.
My hands are much too busy.
That's my mother's
honeymoon gown!
Wardrobe neglected to tell
me these were hand-me-downs.
My last picture
for my Republic.
Now, this is more me.
You look like Shelley Winters
hiding behind
Farah Fawcett-Majors.
Robin, that dress is divine!
Thank you, darling.
Do you have cab fare?
Are you kidding?
-Liza?
-Broke. Take the streetcar.
What star ever took
a streetcar?
♪ Judy Garland.
Clang, clang,
clang went the... ♪
The trolley, but that was on
the MGM back lot, darling,
not down St. Clair Avenue.
Let's hop it, Shell.
Oh, you're going to win first
prize, Robin.
It was ever so meeting
you, Stuart.
Can't you see the boy has
a hard-on, for Christ's sake,
come on.
It's better the second time,
isn't it?
Oh, baby!
I could go all night with you.
Oh, gee! Shoes, shoes!
What's happened?
Mobbed by fans.
What a ruthless profession!
What is it?
-What the hell?
-Oh, just put it
on hold, darling.
They want me for a club date
locally, wouldn't you know?
What?
Well, darling,
MC a drag show.
Do they pay?
Only with applause.
God, the provinces!
When's your first show?
Oh, I didn't say there was
going to be one.
-On or off, kids?
-Off!
The ordinary triumphs again.
Oh, he'll be terrific.
Do you know what, Liza?
There are a lot of guys,
regular guys, who'd
really dig a chick like you.
Oh, yeah?
What do you mean by regular?
Well, dammit, why do you
live with that?
Because that is
my best friend.
I'm sorry.
All the shrink's horses and
all the shrink's men couldn't
put Liza together again,
-but Robin, he...
-Just forget it, baby.
I didn't mean anything.
Get your hands off me.
I'm tired.
Shit!
You know, I'll never
understand it.
What?
Oh, why all straight guys
always turn out to be such
suck holes.
You damned crazy bitch!
You're crazy!
I'm allowed.
Dr. Beddoes said so.
An MC. Hmm.
You really were fantastic.
It takes two to... You know.
I meant at the ball.
Funniest I've seen.
Thanks.
That girl back there.
Did you ever make it with her?
No, we've got other things
going for us.
-Well.
-What?
Look.
I thought I had enough money
to get me through the rest
of the week, and I'm short.
Can you help me out?
What you're really asking is
for me to pay for it,
isn't it?
I made the back page of
The Advocatea couple
of months back.
Oh, a celebrity on my
very own couch.
Well, in that case...
Listen, I don't usually make
it with drag queens at all.
It's not just me,
none of the guys.
Hey, please.
Just take the money.
Okay, okay. I thought you
knew how things are.
Does it really matter?
LIZA: Robin?
Robin, are you all right?
Good night, Phil.
-Robin?
-Oh, not now, Liza.
Have you decided about
the club yet, Robin?
When I was 14, I looked
in the mirror
and I said, "Admit it, Robin.
You're different."
I learned I could get by
as long as I kept the lid on.
A few years later, I looked
again, and said,
"Robin, you're a typical,
screaming hairdresser."
So I put the lid on
a little tighter.
Somehow, I got through all
the days, and all the jobs,
never really happy but,
somehow, getting by.
Then, tonight, I blew off
all the lids, and out popped
this junk.
Do you know what it's like
when a really good-looking boy
looks at you and all he sees
is a drag queen?
It's no good, Liza.
Robin, if a caterpillar was
afraid of wings, it would
never become a butterfly,
and people would look at it
and say, "Oh, look, there's
a worm on the tree."
But they'd never see it
spinning colors into the air.
You've got to do
the club, Robin.
Why?
Well, if people laugh, then
they don't go crazy.
"Presenting the dazzling
Robin Turner."
You're nuts.
Aw, do it for me, Robin.
Do it for me
and all the crazies.
But it is a
professional engagement.
Saturday is our peak day,
and I will not let you go
flitting off
in the middle of the afternoon
so you can do tacky drag
at night.
It is not tacky drag.
I do real impressions.
No records. My own voice.
-And your own tits?
-Now, who's tacky?
I need a Saturday afternoon
off to shop and rehearse
and... You know.
Listen, running a beauty salon
is very serious.
I mean, it's all in the image
of the hairdresser.
Those ladies don't come in
here to have their hair done,
they come in to have their
egos boosted by men.
And if you lose that straight
image, you lose the clients.
Who wants to be felt up
by faggots?
I can think of two people in
this room who'd love it.
Thank heavens that crazy
girl works as a cover for you.
But a drag queen
working in my shop...
Never.
Maybe I shouldn't
work here at all, then.
Oh, no one would ever know.
I'll be a better worker
if I'm happy.
You know, everybody in my
group tells me I'm a sucker
for the sobbers.
Why do I have to feel
guilty about saying no?
Please?
But 2:30? Why can't you
wait till 3:30 or 4:00?
Three.
Okay. Okay! Now, can we get
this place open?
Right, sir.
Good morning.
Ah, Mrs. O'Brien. I just put
on some fresh coffee for you.
I'll bet.
I've got to find some really,
really good stuff.
You know Beddoes.
Oh, I used to think he had
superior intelligence, but
I don't think that anymore.
Yeah, well he sure can tell
when you were lying.
I mean, last time I couldn't
find my journal, I made up
some really good stuff
about screwing Dracula. Only
he said he knew it was phony.
He said phonies get sent back.
The hospital's not that bad.
People listen.
I know. Stuff about Zar.
No, Robin changing
into Tallulah.
That was real.
Well, they're all real,
stupid.
The mouthless runs
to the windows.
Beddoes will love it.
I'll even throw in some
good sex.
-Bye!
-Adios.
LIZA: "And the jawless ones
stretched liver-red tongues
"that lapped at the window
pane. Pain! Pain, screeching
in hungry agony.
"'Liza, Liza, devour us.' And
the teeth were puncture sharp
and ripping jagged.
"They would tear my nipples
into ground meat."
And what did you do?
I took another nardil.
You understood the faces
were not real.
Hallucinations.
They come only from you,
and only you can control them.
You'll have to learn how.
Before I forget, I'm almost
out of nardil,
and valium, too.
Nurse Carr's reported you're
living with a man.
Oh?
And that there's a lot of
rye being consumed.
How does she know?
The garbage.
She spies on my garbage?
It's for you own
protection, Liza.
Well, the rye is Martin's.
I mean, he comes over to talk
and he's always cold.
And the man?
Robin's just a roommate,
that's all.
Does he have
other girlfriends?
No.
Boyfriends.
Do you know what rents are
these days?
I have to have a roommate.
You know, Liza, they've
opened the new wing
at Morningside.
It's sunny and clean, they're
using new therapies...
No. I'm doing fine. I'm doing
great. I'll do whatever you
say. I'm fine. I'm fine.
You have to be very careful.
Pregnancy is unthinkable
in your condition.
No, Robin and I sleep in
different worlds.
Well, I don't like
the situation at all.
But, all right.
We'll give it a bit more time,
but you must stay on
the birth control pills.
And the nardil?
I'll phone the drugstore.
Thank you.
Beddoes wants me to go back
in to Morningside.
He says I'll always be schizo.
First, there was Joan Crawford
in Possessed.
Then Joanne Woodward in
The Three Faces of Eve.
Now, Liza Connor in
Schizo Forever.
But, Robin, maybe I wouldn't
hallucinate so much if
I was back in the hospital.
There are three important
things in life, sex, movies
and my career.
You should think almost
entirely of them, and never
about yourself.
Liza's brain runs round and
round. Liza's head is
full of sounds.
Liza's the one born dead.
Liza's the one without
any head.
Step up, kid. How's this?
What are you doing?
It's for my opening.
The club manager is
a Bette Davis freak.
Oh, Robin, you're going
to do it!
It took me hours to find
her record.
You're going to need a dress.
A really good dress.
You bet. Isn't it lucky
they taught you sewing
at the nutty bin?
Oh, Robin, my own machine!
Now, I want something smart
and sensible by Saturday.
♪
Terrible old line. I thought
I had some good stuff here.
This is crap!
Do you see some of those
guys out there? Ooh, wow!
I don't know what to say.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
-What am I going to say?
-It's too late.
You're going to say that
Miss Montego Bay is
the hottest piece in town.
Now, move that white
ass, honey.
Right on.
Anita Bryant sent me down
here to beat some sense
into you frozen fruits.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Start
squeezing, mama.
Ah, what a dump.
Speaking of Joan Crawford,
Joan and I were
reminiscing recently.
And I reminded her of all the
times that she's been evil.
Capital E, evil,
in her pictures.
Her very moving pictures.
Do you remember in
Mildred Pierce,she played
a waitress,
but she couldn't wait to beat
up Ann Blyth because she was
stealing her boyfriend,
Zachary Scott. Well, Joan gave
her the shoulders
and the full treatment.
Vera, you little tramp.
Then, of course, years later,
she graduated to a typist
who couldn't type.
Because she was going out
with an out-patient.
Where else would you go
with an out-patient?
And, one day, he picked up
her typewriter and
smashed her hand.
She took her one good hand
and got Vera Miles
right on the cheek.
Why, you little slut!
I finally got her where
I want her.
Come on, Blanche, let's go
for a walk.
Oh, Jane, you wouldn't treat
me so cruelly if I weren't
in a wheelchair.
But you are.
Thank you.
Now, enough nostalgia.
I'd like to present a little
Christmas cheer,
Mr. Jackie Loren.
[APPLAUSE]
Oh, Robin, you dazzled them.
Please, I detest
cheap sentiment.
♪
[LIP SYNCHING]
More gin, and a plate
of food, please.
Drags are the worst.
Mmm.
She used to write pretty well
when we were in school. I
wonder if she's still writing.
I don't know.
Who is that?
That's Jo.
She's a magazine editor.
She was the most popular
girl in my graduating class.
-The other one?
-Oh, Anne.
I bet she's a revolutionary.
She's even built like
a revolutionary.
Anne's gay, Martin.
It figures.
But Jo... But Jo is straight.
And she'd really love you,
because you were sent away.
MAN: Well, then, why don't
they pay him if he's
such dynamite?
I mean, 20 bucks a show.
In Canada, we perform
for love.
The gay clubs in this town
don't make enough money. No
one gets paid for doing drag.
Well, being gay is one thing,
but doing drag...
Oh!
Oh, sugar, he wants
to liberate the denim fags
and lock up the satin queens.
Not now, fuzzy pear.
Maybe we can go for
a drive later.
He's a cab driver.
A Yellow Cab.
The night before that, she
was with a Metro cabbie.
Did you want to be a girl
when you were little?
Oh! It was so tragic!
Having to wear Mummy's bra
to school.
But, who's the real
Robin Turner?
There are a lot of Robin
Turners. Baby, I'm a
plural person.
That doesn't make any sense.
Making sense is dull.
Dull, darling.
Thank you, darling.
Oh, Liza! Empty glasses.
Have you seen my lovely
collection? Come here
and have a look.
This guy, Brian De Palma,
makes the most
fabulous movies.
[PHONE RINGS]
If that's Dino De Laurentiis,
tell him I'm not speaking
to him and he knows why.
Hello.
Oh, mother.
Well, Merry Christmas, mother.
No, mother, I know what
day it is.
Merry Christmas Eve, I meant.
No, I'm sure Beddoes didn't
mean it like that.
No, I am not having
more hallucinations.
Look, I don't care if they
take Mediterranean cruises,
I am not going back to any
hospital ever again, mother.
Well, you can tell Daddy to
shove it. Your Christmas
card's in the mail.
Good night.
Oh, never wear your telephone
numbers on your wrist.
What?
You could get a reputation.
What's wrong, baby?
I guess I'm just
a little tired.
Maybe I'll have a little
nibble of something.
Haven't you eaten
anything yet?
No, I don't think so.
You mean Robin let you serve
everybody and didn't let you
stop to eat?
I wasn't hungry before.
[SWEARS IN FRENCH]
I'll see what I can find.
No, Mae West is not a man.
She's just a very tough woman.
No offense.
You faggot!
I'm working on it.
Okay, cut the Shirley Temple
act, will you?
It might go down with Liza
but it don't with me.
What?
While you've been out there
swishing and drinking, she's
been working like some
damned slave, and she hasn't
even had time to eat herself.
-She's very thin, Robin.
-Ann, no, please.
I didn't know she
hadn't eaten.
There's not a thing,
not even soup.
Well, I'll go out for
something, then.
You are a sick, power-hungry,
egotistical fag, and you need
someone to push around.
So along comes Liza,
someone who is disturbed,
someone who can't complain
no matter what you do to her.
-Because she loves you...
-Or she thinks she loves you.
She is sick and you use her.
Don't coddle him.
It's bad for both of you.
Liza.
Don't do that.
No one can do that.
Robin. Robin, please don't
shut me out here with them.
-Do I take advantage of you?
-No.
I wanted this party to be so
happy, and now it's, like,
Valley of the Dolls.
The only true thing that they
said out there was that
I love you.
All right, what are you up to?
Oh, I just came in a little
early to do all the girls
for the big Easter show.
Peggy, Tallulah, Bette.
Peggy O'Brien's son is gay.
Whoopee!
She caught him doing the
telephone man in the study.
He told her everything.
Liberation comes
to Thorncliffe.
You know, he even told her
about that nifty club he goes
to where some of the men
dress up like women.
Men she knows.
You're fired.
Wait 'til Beddoes...
Wait until mother finds...
What? Oh, hey, sorry.
I'm sorry. Yeah. Right.
Thanks very much. Bye.
[LAUGHS]
Oh, wow!
-Announcement.
-Huh?
-What?
-Jason tints his pubic hair.
-You're fired.
-Mm-hmm.
If I want to work in this
town, I've got to stop
the drag.
Oh, well. Now my announcement.
I'm not the one born dead.
Robin, I'm pregnant.
-You're kidding.
-No.
I figure fuzzy bear.
Yellow Cab, I think.
-Have you told him?
-Why? This is my baby.
-You're going to have it?
-Yep. Right after New Year's.
It proves I'm alive.
They can never get me now.
Babies are expensive.
Yeah, I know, but we'll work
it out. We'll work it out.
I know we will.
DR. BEDDOES: But the birth control pills?
I take so many pills.
I get confused.
The abortion's going to be
very hard on your system.
I'm not having an abortion.
I'm having a baby.
Liza, you cannot have a baby.
With all the pills you have
to take, you're not
strong enough.
I am, too. I'm strong
and alive, just like
everybody else.
But a pregnancy could
unbalance you.
You'll be back at
Morningside in no time.
Oh, no, I won't. They don't
take expectant mothers
in the locked wards.
They're just my bills.
Robin!
Don't worry. If we lose them,
they'll send us some more.
Come on, Liza. I've seen
other pregnant women on
the beach. Nobody cares.
And I'm sick of going alone
all the time.
Martin, I just have too much
to do.
Well, is it a good story?
A little premature.
Robin triumphs?
It'll happen.
It's back-to-school weather
again, and a year,
still nothing.
I'll write an early letter
to Santa.
This time, I have it.
I really have it.
Karen Black as she was
in Nashville.
Oh, cross your eyes
and hope to die.
Robin, she is an actress.
Why don't you just skip
the ball and do a number at
the club this year?
Hey. But what could I do?
Whatever Robin
tells you to do.
Can I wear red?
No, only black and white.
Oh, would you show me
a few dance steps?
Honey, when I'm through with
you, I'll have you moving over
the entire floor.
Hi, boys.
Are you looking for
a good time?
Well...
It's a little pushy,
but it's you.
Wait, wait, wait.
No, what I wanted to tell
you was, uh,
I got this... I went to a
Hadassah Bazaar, actually
and I picked up this big
machine, this, what do you
call it, a moviola.
And we cut the picture myself,
because that way we get a
woman's point of view,
you know. This woman.
And, actually, I had very good
dialog with Kristofferson
through the whole picture.
If you recall, every time
he says,
"Watch closely, now,"
I'd say, "Cut!"
And, speaking of stars, it's
really nice being born a star.
Yes.
No, wait a minute.
And, um...
Speaking of stars,
our next performer
isn't one, but...
No, but I know with your help
and my coaching,
we can really do it.
Clear the way, boys. Come on,
clear the way, and let's bring
on Sister Perry.
[APPLAUSE]
♪
[LIP SYNCHING]
But you were sensational
tonight. I tell you, you're
ready for your big break.
How much do they pay?
Listen, fella, performers
don't get paid in New York,
not until they're stars.
Oh, Robin's a star.
But he's got to prove it
where it counts.
Look, the Jackrabbit is
a fantastic showcase for
new talent.
You could get spotted by
really big people there.
I can give you two months
to make it.
Wouldn't you come?
Do you know what it costs
to have a baby in the States?
I'll get a club date here.
A high-paying one.
Oh, yeah? Well, let's just
see what makes it in Toronto.
Oh, here's Andy and
his Bavarian accordion
at the Sheraton.
Maybe you'll get sick.
Oh, and here's Anne Murray
coming to the Gardens.
Maybe we'll get sick.
Look, the straight clubs in
this town just aren't ready.
Besides, no Canadian act
makes it here without
the U.S. seal of approval.
You're going to have to go
down to the States sometime,
Robin, I mean,
look at Gordon Lightfoot.
-Monty Hall.
-You've got no choice.
Well, I'd have
to start singing.
I'd want piano and drums.
The Jackrabbit's got them.
What else can you do?
Apply for
a Canada Council grant?
LIZA: Wow! New York!
Oh, I'm so excited,
I wish we were going.
These communists need me
right here.
Oh, he's going to make it!
Real big!
No, bigger.
Okay, this is it.
I hate goodbyes.
You take good care of her.
Bye. Hey, be dazzling, okay?
-I love you.
-Yeah?
[BELL RINGS]
Oh, Martin, take me home.
This is no place for seeing
the bone crusher.
[ROBIN SINGING]
BOB: Oh, no, you won't,
fella. You're going to be on
10th Avenue.
The real street
of broken dreams.
Aw, listen, mighty mouth,
Streisand opened on the
other side of the river.
At least I'm opening
in Manhattan.
BOB: [LAUGHS] Yeah,
at the Jackrabbit Club.
What do you know about it?
I know lots about it.
I'm an out-of-work agent.
Got your own car and
everything, huh?
Listen, I was the best junior
William Morris ever had.
All he ever talked about was
packages. Packages, I though
I was in Bloomingdale's.
So I got bored and quit.
I'm just doing this
between careers.
Oh.
Oh, God! The Great White Way?
You're a drag, huh?
No, I just like
to travel heavy.
You think you can help me out
with this stuff?
Hey, this is New York, fella.
Oh, I can't make an entrance
solo, come on. Spend a few
minutes with a star.
Yeah, what's in it for me?
I'll make you my
New York agent.
That's ten percent of nothing.
What else?
[IMITATING MAE WEST] Oh,
I don't negotiate on the
street, Sagebrush.
Not bad.
Maybe I can pick up my
afternoon trick in there.
Isn't anybody
straight anymore?
Sure.
My father in Montana.
[LAUGHS]
♪
MAN: Why don't you give me
a chance, man?
I had an act that killed them
dead in Detroit.
I'll bet it was a pip.
In the back, honey.
In the back.
A communique. From China.
They say I'm going to be
very helpful in the
China-Russia border dispute.
Did Robin change trains
in Buffalo? I want to get
the facts straight.
They need me to replace Mao.
I'm going to put all
the Chinese
in concentration camps.
Mao didn't like the Chinese.
He was baptized a Catholic
by the missionaries.
Are you going to write about
my concentration camps?
Oh, maybe I should go back
into the hospital.
Nonsense. You belong out here.
It's really cold in Buffalo,
isn't it?
Nobody listens!
I was so listening, Martin!
Look, I can write and I can
listen and I can have a baby
all at once, okay?
Now, just how in heck do you
think you're going to get
those Chinese
into your camps anyhow, huh?
There will be huge gardens,
with flowers and
everything, man.
I'll advertise at the capitol
so they'll be
on display inside.
And the Chinese can come
puncture their eardrums
with chopsticks.
Martin, have you
ever read Nietzsche?
No.
With the Chinese in camps and
the Russians in camps, there
won't be a border dispute.
And I'm going to put
the capitalists in there
too, man.
I'm going to be the biggest
enemy of capitalism
in history.
There are a lot of capitalists
in Buffalo.
Yeah, well that's why it's
always on fire.
♪
Jimmy wants to know what
you want.
Just tell him a quick intro
and a loud drum roll.
Okay.
-The spot right on the door.
-Right on the door?
Here's looking at ya, Liza.
Gents and pansies, kings and
queens, soldiers and seafood.
We have a new performer in
tonight, all the way
from Toronto.
I love upstate New York.
I was in Toronto once. The
only female impersonator they
had at the time was a woman.
Anyway, here he is, Toronto's
favorite man about town,
Mr. Robin Turner.
Save your hands, boys,
you might need them later.
Ooh, I feel like a million
tonight, one at a time.
Ooh, if I'd known you were
going to be here, I would have
worn a leather boa.
Who's this, your lover?
Try it, you'll like it.
I don't care how big they are,
there's just so many puffs
in a good cigar.
MAN: Oh, yeah? How would
you know about it, Mae?
Well, the secret to my success
is not the men you see me
with, it's the men you don't
see me with.
Hit it, boys.
♪
♪ Frankie and Johnny were lovers Lord, how they could love
♪ They swore they'd be true to each other
♪ And, boy, they fit like
a glove
♪ He was his man But he was doing him wrong
♪ Frankie and Johnny
went dancing
♪ They loved to disco
and cruise
♪ Don't take your man to a disco, baby If you've got a lot to lose
♪ Hold on to your guys I'm going to put you wise
♪ One night Frankie did a booking Turned on a number or two
♪ Johnny saw the whole
thing happen
♪ And he said, "Frankie,
you, too"
♪ He got Frankie mad
♪ Then they started to quarrel And out came the boots and the whips
♪ After they fought they loved so hard Johnny broke Frankie's hips
♪ They had a fight And then they loved all night
♪ This story has no moral
This poem has no rhyme
♪ My message here is simple If you're gonna do it Do it all the time
♪ Do your man And don't do him wrong ♪
But I don't know where he is.
Did he ever get violent
with you?
Martin's very gentle. If he's
done anything wrong, you can
blame Mao Tse Tung.
She makes up foreign names
sometimes. She invented
a whole language once.
She's a very sick girl.
Well, you can't stay here
because he might come back.
Martin would never hurt me.
Liza, he just wounded
a man with a knife.
Maybe you'd better come
home with us, dear.
I'll speak to your father.
No! No.
Did Martin have any
favorite hangouts?
Yeah, Morningside nuthouse.
You should cooperate with me,
young lady.
That boy has got to be caught
and locked up.
Why does everybody always
want to lock everybody
else up?
I mean, who's insane, anyhow?
Let's get your overnight bag.
No. No, mother. I've got
a lot of places to go, and
I've got a lot of friends.
Will they hurt Martin?
How do you do your tits
like that?
Well, I generally have someone
do them for me.
Bet you had little
injections, eh?
Oh, little injections ain't
my style.
Are you really his agent?
Had to shape his act
for years.
So, you guys, do you want
to come to my house and play?
All three of us?
Look, I'm just too horny
to make an intelligent choice.
-Okay, you're on.
-I'll be right back.
-I leaned on Jimmy.
-Oh?
He's going to charge a cover
at the door on weekends.
We'll split it. It should
bring you 50 or 75 a week.
And there's a room upstairs.
You get it.
That's rather sweet.
Is it equipped?
-Fully.
-Yum-yum.
Mmm. Bon appetit!
I really hope you're going
to be happy here.
How can things this old
be this clean?
Liza, would you let me read
some of your stories?
-But they're just for crazies.
-I know.
But I'm a good editor, and
I know a bit about people.
Maybe I could help you
get started.
You mean you think I can
sell them? For money?
-We'll see, okay?
-Okay.
Baby. A real live, normal,
genius baby.
[BELL RINGING]
Zar! Zar, you promised not
to follow me here, anymore.
Yes, I still love you,
too, but...
No! No. Now, you can't start
going through the ceiling,
Not here no.
You've got to go away for
good, now, Zar. You've got to.
Zar, I live in a real house
and everything.
Don't you understand?
No. No jokes.
I'm not going to laugh.
I'm not going to. I...
Oh, Zar, I'm normal now.
I'm normal, and you can't
stay here anymore.
Please, Zar, you've got
to go away.
I knew you'd understand, Zar.
I knew you would.
I'll miss you.
I'll miss you until
my baby comes.
[CAR HORN HONKING]
No! No, move.
Over to the left.
Yeah. Sorry, darling,
non-union stage hands.
You've saved that much
already in a month?
My agent assures me he can
get me a club date uptown.
I'll get the money together
yet, kid.
Christmas lights?
Jimmy, I am a star, but not
a star of Bethlehem.
I'll have you know I got these
from Carol Channing's
personal wardrobe.
Hurry up and drop the kid,
okay? Get down here.
Love you. Bye.
Just four more weeks.
Plenty of time to work
on the story.
How much do you think
I'd get for it?
It's good. It's really good.
Only, these incomplete
sentences, like...
"She had to erupt the truth
from his brain. She said,"
dot, dot, dot.
-She said what?
-Whatever you like.
Yeah, but that's not how
you write a story.
It's reader participation.
Everybody knows the truth,
their own truth.
You just fill it in.
Whoops, time for
the belly-man.
You mean the gynecologist.
Right, look, why don't you
just fix it all yourself?
I really need the money for
New York, and I'd really
appreciate it.
Oh, well, you know. Bye.
[SIRENS WAILING]
-You're taking it?
-Yeah.
It's within my budget.
Robin, this neighborhood!
It's freak city.
Well, I want Liza to feel
at home.
Get him out of here!
Get him out!
Liza, stop. Lie down.
He's come for my baby.
You're not making any sense.
Doctor!
Doctor, hurry up.
I don't know what to do.
You can't have my baby.
You can't have my baby.
You can't have him.
I've got other
responsibilities. I...
I'm not a nurse.
That doesn't make him go away!
This will stop
the hallucination.
But it doesn't work.
It only makes me weak.
He's right there!
Push him off my belly!
-Robin! Robin, I did it!
-At this hour?
Listen to me, you're not
going to believe this.
It started out so silly.
Every Thursday night,
in this backroom bar,
me and this superhump
start getting it off.
Except he was always so
detached, he never spoke,
you know the type.
-It was just sex.
-Only that?
By the third week, I got
tired of the routine,
and I asked him to come
up to my place. No answer.
So I said I had some
Colombian grass.
He still wouldn't talk.
So, I got mad. "No one's
that gorgeous," I said.
-So, you know what he said?
-What?
Oh, no!
He was a deaf mute,
for Christ's sake!
It's good to know you're
an equal opportunity slut.
Anyway, then I met his uncle.
I've never heard of
a sugar uncle.
Uncle Ziggy, from
Ziggy's Cabaret, uptown.
Now, he has try-out nights
for new acts.
Yeah?
And, thanks to me, next
Monday night, you're it.
Oh!
Now, the crowd's not huge,
and all you get is a plain
stage, the house band
and a mike, but it they like
you, I can get you Mondays
regular for a month.
You know, all these years
I thought it was the star
who got to whore her way
to the top.
I think it's about time you
got some new material
into your act.
-How about chiffon?
-Robin, aren't you excited?
I'm terrified.
Class costs.
[OVER PA]
Dr. Chatsworth,
Dr. Chatsworth.
-BOB: Will you calm down?
-ROBIN: How much
time have I got?
You've got ten minutes.
Geez, Louise, I'm going
to flop.
Have you seen that crowd out
there? Not just straight,
dead, maybe.
Robin, even the Waldorf
isn't straight.
It depends on which john
you use, slut!
-Thanks for staying, Anne.
-Sure.
Sure.
I think this is it.
Okay. Nurse!
[DRUM ROLL]
♪
[SINGING AS CAROL CHANNING]
You know, we've been singing
that song for 25 years, now,
and it's almost perfect.
Right now, I've decided
to take a new role,
a new characterization,
a new wig and everything.
I've accepted the title role
in Who's Afraid of
Virginia Wolff.
We're opening at the
Owensboro Drive-In
Dinner Theater.
Recently I attended
a cattle-call audition
in New York City,
and they were auditioning
girls, you see, to find out
who would be
my replacement as Lorelei Lee.
Well, some of the greatest
people showed up,
and my favorite of all
was Marlene Dietrack... Trick!
This is the best act you've
ever had.
[SINGING WITH
THICK GERMAN ACCENT]
I don't think this song is
right for me.
Smash his camera.
ROBIN: Hi! Ethel Merman, here. I just love tunes.
I sing them all. I hope you like the lyrics, because you're sure gonna hear them.
[SINGING AS ETHEL MERMAN]
Let's try Ella Fitzgerald.
She's a good singer.
[SCATTING]
Oh, whoa, honey! Pearly Mae,
here. How you doing?
That's good, Ella. Nice.
But I tell you, I know a lot
about men and rock.
And a lot about saving
Carol Channing's vehicles.
So we'll get it to run another
year. Come on, just take it
easy, boys.
♪
[SINGING AS PEARL BAILEY]
I don't need this job.
I do not need this job.
Let's try Miss Bette Midler.
♪
[SINGING AS BETTE MIDLER]
ROBIN: [AS CHANNING] Oh, stop. There's only one Lorelei, and that's me.
And this is the way the song should be done forever. Pencils poised.
[APPLAUSE]
[SINGING]
[CHEERING]
MAN: Encore! Encore!
There bananas for you out
there. You've got to do
an encore.
I don't know anything more.
I've done everything I know.
You've got to do one.
Peggy, no. Jolson. Judy!
You haven't done Judy yet.
Oh, uh, Judy, okay.
I'll sing them all, and we'll
stay all night.
♪
[SINGING AS JUDY GARLAND]
You've got to be kidding.
Do you have any idea what
our overhead is?
This figure isn't enough,
and I don't care if we are
only playing one night a week.
Now, you talk to me about
money. You name me
some figures.
All right, all right.
How about another $75?
Okay, that's cool, but it's
not an exclusive contract.
We get to play downtown
at the Jackrabbit Club
on weekends.
All right, yes.
Now, just sign it.
No, no, wait a minute. There's
this clause about costumes
and music.
I'm not at all sure I like it.
God dammit!
Okay, good. Next Monday.
Now, I want to see the exact
same show that I saw tonight.
No improvising.
-Made it.
-Made it!
[LAUGHING]
Well, is it a boy or a girl,
or won't say?
The baby was born dead.
I'm dead inside, Robin.
The bone crusher
has conquered.
That's not true, Liza.
You see what you've done
to my little girl in your
wild life?
I'm going to lose my baby
again. She's going to go
back to Morningside.
And it's your fault,
Robin Turner.
It wasn't his fault.
Well, it was somebody's fault.
-Come on, Bob, drive.
-Where to?
Canada.
So, if you need anything, you
just shout or drop a book and
I'll be there. Okay?
Hey. They can't force you
into Morningside.
Not if you're acting healthy,
you know?
They got Martin, now me.
Old times.
Liza!
Come in.
Anne, I've come for Liza.
Please don't give me
any trouble.
Okay, but hurry up before
Jo comes in.
Okay? I even got you
a new cab driver.
A New York one.
A gay one, thank God.
Daddy's got a show to do now.
He needs some more dresses.
Careful.
Bye, Anne. Thanks.
Bye, Robin.
Bye, Liza.
With Ziggy's on Mondays and
the Jackrabbit on weekends,
we've got money, money, money.
Oh, Liza so
adores Woolworth's.
There. You're all unpacked.
You're home.
Come on, say, "home"
for Da-da.
-You're home.
-Robin!
Are you sure this is the right
place for her?
There are no right places
for people like Liza.
Come on, baby. Showtime!
I'm dead.
You're not dead, but you're
getting pretty boring.
BOB:
Who are you doing tonight?
Someone new for
Miss Living Dead.
You're taking her to
the Jackrabbit?
No, you are.
And these, and this.
See if you can get her
to scribble something in it.
-And dress her up a little.
-Me?
Pretend she's a guy.
Make her pretty.
Robin, dammit! You are nuts.
Big news.
♪
[SINGING]
Fantastic.
Autographs? Sure.
Got any valium
in there, chicky?
I hope you liked my song.
I do my best. I try.
The bone crusher.
He's not here.
He'll show up. Everybody gets
here eventually.
But I'm in his domain.
I'm dead inside.
You're not dead.
You're alive and sick and
living in New York like
eight million other people.
Listen. You're Liza.
You're not Jo, you're not
your mother,
you're not any of the people
the doctors wanted to make
you into.
You'll never be normal,
but you're special.
And you can have a hell
of a good time.
You know,
there's only one thing.
You're mad as a hatter,
darling. [LAUGHS]
But that's all right,
because so am I.
So am I.
I've never known anyone
worth knowing
who wasn't
a positive fruitcake.
We're all nuts.
You and me are here to love
and look after each other.
You're not dead, you just
have a healthy case
of craziness.
-Craziness?
-Yes. Make it work for you.
Mad.
Mad, darling.
-Mad.
-Mad.
-Mad.
-Mad.
Mad!
Mad!
You got it! Mad!
-Mad!
-Mad!
-Mad!
-Mad!
-Mad!
-Mad!
♪