Our Relations (1936) - full transcript

- I'm sorry.
- No, Betty, this is yours.

What's going on here? Silly.

Pass the sugar, lover.

- Hand me the bread, Momma.
- Yes, Poppa.

- There we are.
- Thank you.

That's strawberry jam in there.

How about some celery?
Would you like some celery?

Thank you.

Are you starting this all over again?

That's the best cup of tea
you ever made.

- Shakespeare.
- Longfellow.



- Needles.
- Pins.

Isn't that cute?

Oh, Daphne, look at the time.

We must hurry, or we'll be late
for our bridge party.

Oh, honey, you'll have to excuse us,

but Mrs Addlequist is
calling for us any minute.

- Have a good time, Momma.
- I will, Poppa.

See you before you go.

Oh, lover.

That must be Mrs Addlequist, now.

Let her in, darling,
and tell her we'll be right down.

Come on, Betty, come on.

- Come in, Mrs Adeltwist.
- A special delivery for Mr Hardy.

- Oh.
- Sign, please.



Come in, Mrs Addlequist.

It wasn't Mrs Twiddlepast.

Not Twiddlepast, Adelquick,
uh, Addlequist.

Never mind who it was, who was it?

- It was a letter for you.
- Oh!

It's from my mother.

What's she say?

I'll find out
as soon as I get my glasses.

"My dear son Ollie,

"I was cleaning up the attic and in
going through a lot of rubbish,

"I came acr..."

Don't be rude.

Now look what you've done.

Take some hot water
and clean those off.

My eyes are getting worse every day.
This letter is just a blur. Hurry up.

Thank you.

Now, that's better.

"My dear son Ollie,

"I was cleaning up the attic today
and in going through a lot of rubbish

"I came across this picture
of you and Stan

"and your twin brothers, Bert and Alf

"so I thought you would
like to have it. Lovingly, Mother."

- Isn't that swell?
- Can you imagine that?

Our very own twin brothers.

I wonder where they are.

Cha, cha, cha.

Seems like only yesterday.

- Which is you?
- Well, that's me right there.

- Look at me.
- But that isn't you, that's Alf.

Let me have your glasses.

You mean to tell me
I don't know which is me?

That's me, right there.

How do you know that's you?

- Well, I'm the oldest, you can...
- Sit down.

Well, there's some more writing.
Give me my glasses.

No wonder I couldn't tell
which was you!

Here, you read it.

"Dear Ollie, I forgot to tell you
that after you and Stan left home

"your twin brothers Alf and Bert

"turned out to be bad lads
and ran away to sea,

"and I did hear they joined a mutiny
on board one night

"and they both got hanged."

"Oh, isn't that terrible?

"Let this be a lesson to you. Mother."

- Hmm.
- Isn't that calamitous?

What a disgrace to our parents.

If poor Father ever...

- Where are you going?
- I'm going to show it to Bubbles.

- Come here.
- What?

- Are you crazy?
- Uh-uh.

If our wives find out that we had
a couple of low-down brothers

like that,
they'd divorce us immediately.

We'd lose our prestige in town

and be ostracised
by the rest of the community.

- Well, why would they...
- Oh!

Why would they feel like that?

Everybody has a black sheep
in their closet.

Nevertheless,

don't you tell a soul about this
because if you do, we'll be sunk.

If it's that serious maybe
we'd better burn the evidence.

Then nobody will ever know.

- Shakespeare.
- Long... Not now!

- Have you got a match?
- Yes.

We'll burn our past behind us.

- Come on, Betty!
- Oh! Here.

We'll be right down,
Mrs Addlequist!

- Oh! Hello, dear!
- Where's Mrs Addlequist?

Why, I don't know sweetheart.

We have to go now.

I'm sorry, dear. Goodbye.

Goodbye, lover.

Come along, girls,
we're going to be late!

Goodbye!

Stand by your line!

Hey, mate, get busy
and unload the livestock.

- We sail in the morning with the tide.
- Aye, sir!

- Did you get paid, Bert?
- I sure did.

Well, as soon as we get through eating
we'll go ashore and have a swell time.

- All right.
- And come back broke as usual.

Oh, I don't know.

Aren't you going ashore, Finn?

Yes, just as soon as I get through
reading the paper.

Any news?

Yes. I was reading about a fellow
that started with nothing

and in two years
he was worth a million dollars.

A million dollars.

- How did he do it?
- Careful saving and wise investment.

Just what I've been preaching
to you two for years!

If you'd let me save your money,

you'd both be worth a million dollars,
like this fellow.

He's right, Bert. You know, when we
first came on this ship 15 years ago,

if we'd had as much sense then
as we have now,

we'd have let him
save our money for us

and today we'd have been sitting
on the fat of the land.

- Wouldn't we, Finn?
- Right.

It's all right, but it's too late now.

My lad, it's never too late.

You were paid this morning
and now is the time to start.

Why don't you let me hold it for you?

You make the money,
I'll invest it for you

and you'll be millionaires
before you can say "Jack Robinson".

What do you say?

That sounds swell to me.
What about you, Alf?

It's okay with me, Bert.
How about you, Finn?

- Why, it's a knockout!
- I think it's good too.

Here's my money.

Say, have you seen my money?
I put it in here just a minute ago.

Remember, when you were
having your coffee there...

Isn't that swell?
Now we're going to be millionaires.

Say, who's this fella Jack Robinson
he's talking about?

- I don't know.
- I never heard of him.

40... 50... 74 bucks.

Boys, I'm proud of you.
That's what I call determination!

We're full of it.

Of course, you'll have to have
a little pin money to spend on shore.

After all,
it's all right to be careful

but we've got to have
our little fling,

just to break the monotony.

- There's a dollar between you.
- A dollar?

We can't do much flinging on a dollar!

Well, the less you fling
the sooner you'll be millionaires.

He's right, Bert.

Oh, yes...

What about a receipt for our money?

You're right, my lad. I'm glad to see
you've got good business sense.

A receipt.

"I owe you $74." Hmm.

Just to make this binding,
you two boys sign there.

"Bertie Hardy."

"Alfie Laurel." Semi-comma.

Thanks.

Now everything is on the up and up.

- Isn't that swell?
- Mmm.

There's one thing
I want you to promise.

- What's that?
- That you won't

come and ask any of it back.

You listen to this, when we make
an agreement, it is an agreement.

Yeah, what we want you to do

is to promise us
you won't give it to us back.

- I promise.
- Get me a cup of coffee, Alf.

- All right.
- Now we're gonna get somewhere!

I guess, I'll get ready to go ashore.

- Any orders, sir?
- Uh? Yeah, yeah.

Send those two mugs
Bert and Alf up here.

Aye, sir.

Hey, you swabs,
the mate told me to tell you

the Captain wants to see you
right away and make it snappy.

Okay, Big Bob, we'll be right up.

Come on, sailor.

- Goodbye, Finn.
- Goodbye.

Oh, wait a minute! I've taken a room
at Mrs MacGregor's on Tudor Avenue.

If you run short of money, drop in
and spend the afternoon with me.

- Okay, thanks. Goodbye.
- Goodbye.

Bye.

Barnum was right.

Now, listen, this is what
I want to see you about.

I'm expecting a small package to be
delivered to me here but I can't wait.

I've got to get over to the customs.

I want you two boys to stay here,

get this package and bring it to me
at the Denker's Beer Garden.

- I'll meet you there about four bells.
- Aye, sir.

You know where
Denker's Beer Garden is?

Aye, sir. It's on Fifth and Eighth.

Yeah, catty corner between Sixth
and Seventh on Ninth.

It's just across the way from...

- You know where it is.
- Aye, sir.

I hope I can rely on you to do this
thing for me.

Captain, you can trust us insipidly.

Well, I hope so because
it's a very important package.

What's in the package, Cappy?

None of your business what's in it.
Go on, get out of here.

And don't call me Cappy.

- Could you tell us where...
- Shh!

Pardon us, officer, but could you
tell us where Denker's Beer Garden is?

Sure, just around the corner there.

Thank you.

- Pardon me, officer.
- Me too.

That's all right.

Lil, looks like the fleet's in.

I'm gonna have beer. What's yours?

Say, we've gotta take it easy,
you know we've only got a dollar.

I know it. What are you gonna have?

Suppose we share the same beer?
Then we won't spend so much money.

That's a good idea.

Garcon! Garcon!

What do you mean, "Garcon"?
Grogan's the name. What'll you have?

Why, I'd like a nice,

large, cold,

flagon of beer.

What's yours?

Bring me two nice, clean straws
that haven't been used.

I wonder what's in that package.

Didn't you hear what the Captain said?
That's none of your business.

Always prying
into other people's affairs!

Isn't that a pip?

It certainly is.

You know, that must
have cost more than $5.

What do you mean $5?
Why, if it cost a penny it cost $50!

Huh.

That'll be a quarter.

A quarter! What for?

Ten cents for the beer
and 15 cents for the straws.

15 cents for the straws?

Well, you don't think
we're giving 'em away, do you?

Waiter, could you exchange this
for a couple of spoons?

Give me those straws,
I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.

Oh, I'm sorry. Just a little accident.

Oh, that's perfectly all right.
Accidents will happen.

If I've spoiled your drink,
may I buy you another?

We don't mind if you do.
Won't you join us?

Oh!

We don't mind if we do.

Thank you. Come, Alfie.

My name is Mr Hardy and this is
my very good friend Mr Laurel.

I'm glad to know you.
This is my very good friend Lily.

- How do you do, Lily?
- How do you do?

And my name is Alice.

Alice.

My mother's name was Alice.

Your mother's name wasn't Alice.

That was her second name
on my father's side.

Hey, Joe, I want you to meet
a couple of pals of ours,

Mr Laurel and Mr Hardy.

Well, I met 'em a little while ago.
So what?

Two more beers for the ladies,
right away.

I don't think
we'll have any more beers.

Oh, you must have something, Alice.

Well, if you insist,
I'll have an absinthe frappe.

I think I'll have the same.

You couldn't split one, could you?

What about something to eat?

What have you got ready?

Well, we got a quarter pound steak
just coming off the fire.

- That's okay.
- And you?

I'll have a Lobster Newburg,
mock turtle soup,

a New York cut steak, well-done,

lyonnaise potatoes, broccoli
with hollandaise sauce on the side,

a head of lettuce
with Roquefort cheese dressing,

heavy on the Roquefort

coffee, uh, demitasse
and I think that will be all.

Don't you want any dessert?

Oh, that's sweet of you.
Crepe suzette.

Make that two.

Excuse me just a moment.

Uh, will you pardon us? My friend
wishes to speak to me in private.

- Go right ahead.
- We'll be right back.

Let's go in there, we can talk
private, nobody will hear us.

What do you want to tell me?

What about them ordering
all that food?

You know, we've only got 75 cents.

Don't worry about that.
I've got it all figured out.

We'll go over and see Finn
and get our money back.

Well, we won't give us our money back.
You know, we told him...

Oh, yes he will give it back.
I know how to handle him.

And, besides, it's our money
and we'll do what we like with it.

Well, I thought we were going to start
saving and be millionaires.

We can start saving on the next trip.

Now, we've got a chance
to have a swell time

so we might as well
take advantage of it.

You know, we only live once.

I guess you're right.
We can be millionaires any time.

Any old time.
Now let's go back to the girls.

- Hello?
- Hello.

- Who is it?
- It's me.

What do you want?

I don't want anything,
what do you want?

- I don't want anything, you rang.
- I didn't do anything of the kind.

- You certainly did...
- I did...

Put that back on the hook
and get out of here.

Hey! Would you chaps mind
stepping out a minute?

That call is for me.

Hey! Stay where you are, I'll get it,
it'll only take a second.

You know, I'm sorry
to disturb you boys

but this call is from the wife.

You know, I have to tell her
I'm bringing home the milk.

Would you rather we'd step out
a minute?

No, stay where you are,
I'll just be a second.

Hello!

I lost it. Where is it? Where'd you...

Right here, sir.

- You won't talk long?
- I won't.

Listen, I'm bringing home the...
Wait a minute.

- Pardon me, will ya?
- Yes, sir.

Just a minute! It's a little...
I don't know, it's so crowded.

Here, could you...

It's just... Oh. Hello?
Just a minute now. I'll get this.

Hello? I'm calling about...

I think somebody took the phone.
Wait a minute.

Hello, Sarah. Yes. How much?

Just a minute. Hello!

Boys, just a minute. Listen.

Just... I'll pull the wire.

I'll... Oh, I lost it!
Where's the thing?

Where you got that thing?
Do you got it? Are you hurt?

I'll get it. Hello?

Boy, it's warm in here.

Just a minute, something's on my foot.
Can you hold the wire?

Wait a minute, I can't find the...

Hello?

Hello? Can you...

- Hey, what's the big idea?
- Sorry, sir, just a little accident.

Yeah, well, accident or no accident,
you'll pay for this.

Just put it on the check, please.

- Don't worry, it'll be on there.
- Come, Alf.

Hey, Joe, come here and give me
a hand with this, will you please?

What happened? Did you get in a fight?

Oh, no, we were just having
a little conference.

- Nothing serious, I hope?
- Oh, no. Nothing serious.

We've just decided
that if you girls don't mind,

we'll go to the ship
and change our clothes

and take you out for a good time.

- That's okay with me.
- Me too! But don't be gone too long.

- Oh, we won't.
- Don't go away, will you?

'Cos we're coming back.

- You bet we won't.
- Goodbye.

Goodbye, Alice.
We'll be back in a jiffy.

Hey,

where do you guys think you're going?

We're going down to the ship to change
our clothes and get some more money.

More money?

Yeah, you see we didn't have enough
when we met the ladies.

Yes, sir, and while we're gone,

see that the little ladies have
everything their little hearts desire.

- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.

Now, don't go away, will you?
We won't be long.

Come on, don't dilly-dally!

You're always fiddling around.

Just a minute,
you think I'm such a sap

that I'd let you get away
from here without paying that bill?

Now, you either give me that dough

or I'll beat you both up
or I'll have you pinched.

Or maybe I'll beat you both up
and have you pinched too!

Can't you make up your mind?

Look, my good man,
don't you understand? It's simple.

We're going to the boat, get our money

- and come back and pay you.
- See?

No, you're not. You ain't gonna
leave here until you pay me that bill,

or leave me something for security.

Why don't you leave him the ring?

Then we get our money from Finn,
come back to pick it up

and the Captain won't be
any the wiser.

- Splendid.
- We've just figured out a plan.

You'll like this.

How about that for security?

Isn't that a daisy?

- It's all right with me.
- Now remember.

When we come back and pay you
we get that ring back, right?

- Right.
- Right.

Who is it?

- It's us.
- Oh, hello, boys, come on in.

- Thank you.
- How are you, Finn?

What's on your mind?

We hate to disturb you
but we've come to ask a little favour.

Now, what do you want?

Well, we've just had the good fortune

to meet two very charming
and refined young ladies.

Yeah, Alice and Lily.

So what?

Well, if you don't mind,
we'd like to cancel

our little financial arrangement
with you and get our money back.

Yeah. You see, we decided to put off
being millionaires till the next trip.

If it's your money you want,
I am not interested.

Well, does that mean,
you won't give us our money back?

I will not.

But it belongs to us, besides,
we gotta have some money,

we don't get pad
till we get to Singapore.

Not one penny of it will you get.

I made a gentlemen's agreement with
you to protect you from yourselves.

You wouldn't want me
to go back on my word, would you?

Well, we wouldn't mind, this time,
would we Bert?

- No, we won't hold that against you!
- No, you can go ahead and do that.

Get out of here and don't bother me.

Well, if that's the way
you feel about it

we'll be forced
to assert our prerogative

and search this room.

Go ahead and search, what do I care?

You'll be sorry,
putting us to all this trouble.

It's no use you looking around here,

you can search from now until doomsday
and you'll never find it.

Does that mean that
it isn't in this room?

I wouldn't say yes
and I wouldn't say no.

- You know what we can do?
- What?

We can...

We can steal his clothes
and we'll pawn them

and we'll get enough money
to pay the bill.

We're going to give you
one more chance.

Do we get our money or not?

Absolutely not.

No! Oh!

Hey, come back! Hey, stop!

Come on, you know
we've got to meet the wives.

You stay outside.

Asking the pawnbroker if he had
any second hand ice-cream cones!

How much did you get?

Two dollars.

Well, that's not enough,
can't pay the bill with that.

- The girls are still...
- Don't worry about that.

I'll take charge
of this little matter.

Come on.

Say, maybe we better
talk to Finn from a distance.

You know, he was pretty mad
when we left him.

That's a good idea.

Oh, Finn!

- Maybe he's asleep.
- I'll wake him up.

- We're back!
- Where's my clothes?

- We pawned them!
- What?

And if you don't give us our money
back, we won't give you the ticket!

Yeah, and the ship'll sail
and you'll be left behind. See?

All right, you give me the ticket now
and I'll give you your money back.

- You cross your heart?
- You don't doubt me, do you?

Yes!

Oh-ho!

We'll be right up!

Here's the ticket and there's
the two dollars to get your suit back.

Now give us our money.

I'll give it to you,
as soon as I can go and get it.

Where is it?

It's sewn up in the lining of my coat
you just pawned.

Why didn't you tell us that before?

Having us run around you
on a wild goose chase!

Give me the ticket,
I'll go and get it myself!

Oh, no. You've double crossed
me before. Once bitten, twice shy!

- Give us the ticket...
- I've got it all figured out.

Now, take off your clothes.

- What for?
- One suit I'll wear to get down there,

the other suit I'll pawn
to pay the interest on this ticket

Oh, no you don't. Give me the ticket!

Don't you come near me
or I'll swallow this ticket

and you'll never get your money.

Give me that!

No, don't swallow it now,
don't swallow it.

All right, take off your clothes
and put them down there.

Put them down.

And no monkey tricks!

Well, here's another nice mess
you've gotten me into.

I wonder what those girls
will think about us.

Hey, Finn!

Are you coming back?

I wouldn't say yes
and I wouldn't say no.

Oh, and if I see Alice and Lily
I'll give them your love.

Maybe I'll give them a kiss for you.

I wonder how much longer
they're gonna be.

I don't know.

Are you sure this is the place,
they told us to meet them?

- Shakespeare.
- Longfellow.

- What goes up the chimney?
- Smoke.

They make me sick...

- Oh, darling!
- Oh, hello, sweetie!

- I'm sorry we were late.
- Oh, we just got here.

What have you boys been doing
with yourselves?

Ollie, tell 'em where we went
this afternoon.

Stan took me
to see a Punch and Judy show.

First one I've seen since I was a kid.

Hey, how about something to eat?
I'm famished.

Oh, that's a good idea.
Why not go in here and have a bite?

Oh, you don't wanna go in there,

we know a better place
down the street.

What's wrong with this place?
We'll go in here.

- Oh, but dear...
- I said we'll go in here.

Come along, Betty.

Oh, this is a nice table.
Sit here, Betty.

Let's go in the garden,
it's cooler out there.

Ooh, all right, dear.

- How's this table?
- Oh, this is nice.

- Yes.
- Better than being inside.

Well, of all the nerve!

Well, you got here at last, huh?

What do you mean, got here at last?

We weren't coming in
in the first place, were we?

I wasn't.
What are you gonna have, Momma?

A ham sandwich, mustard on the side
and a glass of beer.

- What would you like, Bubbles?
- Now, don't rush me, lover.

I think I'll have a nice
welsh rarebit.

- One welsh rarebit.
- With cheese.

- With cheese.
- What's yours?

Uh, I think I'll...

I know what you guys are gonna have.

He's an awfully fresh waiter.

Poppa, what did he mean,
"You got here at last"?

I don't know, Momma.

We never met him
before in our lives.

- Shakespeare.
- Longfellow.

- What goes up the chimney?
- Santa Claus.

Silly.

The welsh rarebit'll be
right up ma'am.

Isn't that the way with men?

Here we've known them all afternoon

and they pick up with a couple
of perfect strangers!

Well, they're not gonna
get away with it. Come on, Lily.

Say, listen big boy,
I don't think much of your taste,

ditching us for a couple
of old frumps like these.

I beg your pardon?
Do you know who you're talking to?

Ah, sit down, old lady,
before you fall apart.

Oh, now, listen cutie,

I don't think
that was very nice of you

to walk out and leave us sitting here.

I beg your pardon, madam,
but just what do you mean?

What are you looking
so innocent about?

- I'm not so innocent.
- You bet you're not!

And if you're as guilty
as I think you are,

you oughta be ashamed of yourself!

No wonder
you didn't want to come in here.

Thank goodness
I found you out in time.

Oh, but I tell you,
that this is a frame-up!

- We've never met these women, have we?
- Uh-uh.

Oh, you've never met us? Joe!

- Yeah?
- Who are these men?

When they were here before
they called themselves

Mr Laurel and Mr Hardy.

That's all I want to know. Pay
the cheque and let's get out of here!

Yes, pay it, we've been
waiting two hours,

for you to bail us out.

Bye-bye, babyface.

So you went to
a Punch and Judy show, huh?

Here's your bill.

15 dollars and 60 cents for this?

No, 60 cents for this and $15
for what you had in there before.

- I should...
- Oh, pay the cheque!

- But, my darling...
- I said, pay the cheque!

- I'll pay the cheque.
- You better pay the cheque.

Thanks. And here's the ring
you left for security.

Oh, so you're buying rings now.

I suppose that's part
of the frame-up too?

Betty, I've had enough!

And as for you, you can see
my lawyer in the morning.

Oh, lover, I don't see how you could
ever have done this to me.

I never was so humiliated
in all my life.

- Glass of beer, please.
- Okay.

Well, well, well,
fancy meeting you here.

Say, which is Alice and which is Lily?

"Alice and Lily"?

Why, are you sure
you know these gentlemen?

Why, they're buddies of mine. Say,
where did you get the swell clothes?

- "Clothes"?
- Yes.

The last time I saw them
they had no clothes on.

They had no clothes on!
Who is this man?

I don't know, Momma. He's
an absolute stranger to us, isn't he?

He certainly is. Who am I? Er, you.

A stranger, eh?

Oh, trying to make out
they don't know me!

Well, you take a look at that.

Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Oh!

That settles it.
Betty, we'll keep this as evidence.

But, Momma, let me explain...

Don't ever speak to me again,
you over-stuffed Casanova!

- Come on, Betty!
- Goodbye, lover.

- Do you realise what you've done?
- I don't care what I've done.

Serves you right
for not introducing me.

Besides, they weren't so hot anyway.

Where did you pick them up?
Did you win them on a punchboard?

- Do you know what I oughta do to you?
- No. What?

I oughta bend every bone in your head.

- Is that so?
- Yes.

Hmm.

Uh-oh.

Take a look through that.

Well, I'll be seeing you.

Don't go. Sit down.

One welsh rarebit.

- Who done this?
- He did!

- Oh!
- Hey!

What?

I'll get you for this. I'll get you
for this. I'll get you for this!

- Who was that fella?
- How should I know?

When did you meet the two girls?

What do you mean,
when did I meet the two girls?

Well you must know
something about them,

they knew us when we came in here.

What are you talking about?

You can confide in me,
I can keep a secret.

- I wouldn't tell...
- Will you get this

through that thick skull of yours,

that I don't know those girls
and they don't know me!

- Is that the truth?
- Why, certainly it's the truth.

Well, we should go back and tell
Momma and Bubbles

that we don't know anything about it,
and they've done us a terrible wrong.

We'll do nothing of the kind.

- I'm going to teach them a lesson.
- How do you mean?

We're going to stay out all night

and we're not going home
until they come to us and apologise.

That's a good idea. We'll give 'em
enough rope so we can hang ourselves.

Hello buddies, what's the trouble now?

Oh, we just had a little
argument with the wives.

Yes, you see, they don't understand us

so we're going to teach them a lesson,
aren't we, Ollie?

Yes, and we're
going to stay out all night.

Yeah, till nine o'clock.

You know, that's funny,
I'm in the doghouse too.

Well, we're all in the same boat.

Say, let's all make a night of it.

That's a very potent suggestion.

- All for one and one for all.
- All...

- Shakespeare.
- Longfellow.

- George Washington.
- What goes down the flue?

- A good slug of liquor.
- Right!

Bartender!

No more drinks.

You've had too much
and you two guys haven't had enough.

What do you mean
we haven't had enough?

Now don't give me any of your lip
or I'll throw you all out.

Look through there.

Oh-oh!

What time is it?

Four bells, and all is still wet.

Looks like Finn isn't coming back.

I told you that an hour ago,

but you had to give me
the argument about

"Everything comes to him who waits".

- What do you think we better do?
- That's entirely up to you.

You thought of a way
to get us into this mess,

now think of a way
to get us out of it.

Well, the only way I can see
is to go back and get the waiter,

take him over to the ship,

have the Captain pay for the bill,
so he can get his ring back,

then we'll pay the Captain
on the next trip.

He might be
a little bit mad about it...

That's a very, very, very good idea.

But how are we
going to get to the waiter?

We can't go in the street
dressed like this,

why, we wouldn't get to first base.

- Never thought of that.
- Hmm.

Well...

- Say, you know what?
- What?

Why don't we dress up
like those guys in Singapore?

What guys in Singapore?

The fellas that look like Eskimos.

You know, the guys
that walk around with rugs.

- Eskimos.
- Yeah, we could borrow these quilts,

we could put some towels
round our heads

and nobody'd be any the wiser.

We could go down and get the waiter...

Mmm-mmm. That sounds screwy to me.

But any old port in a storm.

It might be a good idea.

You've gotta be right
once in your life.

I'm looking for a couple
of sailors from the Periwinkle,

a little fellow and a big fat one.
Have they been in here?

You mean, the two guys
with the pearl ring?

How did you know
they had a pearl ring?

I saw it.

They gave it to me as security

and I gave it back to them
when they paid their bill.

- Where are they now?
- Oh, I don't know.

They got mixed up in here
with a drunk and I threw 'em all out.

You'll probably find them in some
other joint, er, beer parlour.

Thanks very much!

Now, let me do the talking.

- Good evening, Mr Grogan.
- Good evening.

It's possible
you don't recognise us

- but we're the same two fellas...
- Oh, yes I do.

What was the last thing
I said to you two guys?

Didn't I tell you to get out
and stay out?

No, the last thing you said was,
"Right!" Didn't he?

Quit clowning now.
What is it you want?

Well, we've figured out a plan
so we can get our ring back.

Yeah, you see, the fellow...

Oh, what are you two talking about?

The ring,
the ring we left with you as security.

Yes, and I gave you it back
when you paid your bill.

- You didn't give anything back to us!
- We never paid any bill.

What are you trying to do?

Make me out a thief
and say I stole that ring?

That's the way it appears to us.

- You'd better give that...
- Shh.

Look through that.

Just a moment.

Oh-oh!

What?

What are you trying to do?

Mr Laurel!

Mr Hardy!

Hey, I'm not going in this thing!

Get up! Get in!

If that's them,
tell 'em we're not home.

Hello?

What?

My goodness, don't tell me!

Oh, thank you very much!

- What's the matter? What's the matter?
- That was Mrs Addlequist.

Stan and Oliver have been arrested
and they haven't any clothes on

and they're taking them
to the police station! Oh!

Oh, this is a fine state of affairs!

Oh!

Come on, sit down there.

- What did he say?
- I don't know.

- Do you speak Arabic?
- Oh, no, sir.

We're a couple of Singapore Eskimos.

Oh.

- Oh, I'm awfully sorry.
- What's the idea?

Sorry. Hey, Mr Clerk,
we'd like to see Judge Polk.

- It's very important.
- Would you please give him this card.

- I'll find out if he'll see you.
- Thank you.

Oh, lover!

- Oh...
- Betty! Betty!

Oh...

- Come this way.
- Thank you. Come on, Betty.

Did you see that?

- I wonder who they are.
- I don't know.

They're just a couple
of vacation killers.

- Vacation killers?
- Yeah.

A guy goes to jail
for a swell vacation.

These welfare workers
post things and get him out.

They make me sick.

First time I ever
saw a welfare worker.

- Me too.
- Funny-looking dames, aren't they?

I don't know, I kinda liked
that big fat blonde.

- The little one wasn't so bad.
- Ah, cute.

And you see, Judge,
it really is our fault,

after all they're
members of your lodge

and if you're not too harsh on them
I think they'll behave in the future.

- I know my lover will.
- What do you mean?

He's just as much to blame
as Poppa was! Believe me...

- He's not!
- I think he started it!

Now, now, now, don't worry,
everything's going to be all right.

Now, if you ladies will step
into that room for a little while,

I'll have a heart-to-heart
talk with them.

Oh, Judge, you're so sweet.

Laurel and Hardy! Step this way.

Where on earth have you fellows been?

And how in the world
did you get in those outfits?

Well, you see Judge,
it was like this, we...

You'll have to tell me later,
I haven't time now,

I've got to open court.

I don't know what you boys have done

but whatever it is,
I'm going to overlook it this time.

But you've got to behave yourself
and stop this gallivanting around.

There's a time and place
for everything.

Yes, sir.

You've got two lovely girls,
who've done a lot for you.

Why don't you appreciate them?
Will you do that?

Well, whatever you say goes, Judge.
We're entirely in your hands.

That's fine.

Girls...

I've just had a talk with the boys

and I suggest
that you all get together.

Come on, boys, give them a great big
kiss, and let bygones be bygones.

Get off of him! You stay away.

That's splendid. Well, see you later.

Does that mean,
we have to come back here?

Not if you behave yourselves.

But my advice is to you is
stay out of beer gardens.

If you want to have a good time
go to a high-class place

where you'll be less liable
to get into trouble.

Now, don't forget.

Have you seen this one?

Not now, some other time.

Here, we brought you some clothes.

And, as soon as you're dressed,
we'll take the Judge's advice,

we'll go to a nice high-class place
and have a good time.

And if you promise never to get into
any more trouble,

we'll forget all this happened.

- Well, it's all right with me.
- Well, how about you?

I'll do anything
to get out of this place.

Lover...

Oh, come on, we'll meet you outside.

Hey, listen sailor,
lay off of the blonde.

I saw her first.

I wonder what our wives are doing.

They're probably at home
crying their eyes out.

It serves them right.

- A table for four.
- Yes, madam. Come this way, please.

I'm sorry, madam,
there are no ringside tables.

I'll have to give you
a table on the balcony.

That's all right.

What's the matter with him?

I guess he's trying to get away
without paying the bill.

- He can't do that!
- No, sir!

Where's my hat?

- Is this it?
- Yeah, thank you.

Quick!

Whiskey and soda.

Ooh!

What's the matter?

Say, you four guys stay away from me.

We're not four guys,
there's only two of us!

Well, look who's here.

Well, Alice! What's the matter?
We can explain everything.

You can't explain
those two old cronies.

They're not old cronies, they're
a couple of old welfare workers.

- Aren't they, Bert?
- Well, certainly.

- You see, we picked...
- I'll tell them.

- Oh, don't give me that.
- But honey, we can prove it!

Well, sit down and have a drink.

We will, as soon as we
get rid of these two old battle axes.

- Yeah, we'll soon get rid of them.
- Is that so?

We want you to meet the two girls
we met, this afternoon.

- Yeah, Lily and Alice...
- I know all about them!

You ungrateful hound. I'll fix you!

You keep out of this,
you startled ant.

Don't!

Pardon me.
Hey, you, give me your hand.

One, two, three!

Happy birthday to you.

- This isn't his birthday.
- Nevertheless, many happy returns.

Come on, Betty, this is final.

What did you wanna go help her for?

Well, I didn't know
what she was going to do.

That's right, you wouldn't.
Get this off.

That's what you get,
picking up with strange women.

Well, we got rid of 'em, didn't we?

You girls pardon me while
I go downstairs and clean myself up.

Alf, you entertain the ladies
while I'm gone.

We'll be right back, Alice.

Say, after this we'd better go home
and see if our wives are sorry...

- Maybe, both...
- Don't worry about them,

let them worry about us.

We're gonna have the best time
tonight we have ever had.

- Three cigars, please.
- Yes, sir.

Thank you.

- You'll have one?
- Thank you.

- Good evening.
- Where's that package?

- What package?
- That package

containing the pearl ring.

You've got that pearl ring,
haven't you?

I have, and what business
is it of yours?

- I'll soon show you...
- Now, just a minute.

You'll have to lower your voices
or you'll be put out.

Remember, we cater
to ladies and gentlemen here.

All right, I understand.

You double-crossing swab,
give me that ring.

Are you trying to frighten me?

Go ahead, little boy,
and peddle your fish.

Oh!

Want any more, huh?

Now, wait a minute, wait a minute...

You take your hands off me.
Take your hands off me!

Put me out!

Oh! Oh!

That guy must be crazy.
Stanley, go and get the manager.

And take that hat off! Go on.

It must be Bert, I'll go and see.

- What's happened?
- You know what happened.

- Where's the manager?
- What manager?

Beat it, beat it!

Did you get that? He slipped
the ring in his pal's pocket.

Here's the manager.

So, you're trying to get away
from me, eh?

I'll get you!

This man's a lunatic!
He's trying to rob us!

- Rob you? Why, you dirty crook!
- You'll have to settle this outside!

No, this thing is gonna be
settled right here and now!

You can't do that.
Go on, get out of my way!

- Give me my ring!
- Take him out!

- I'll get you!
- Take him! Get him out of here!

Look, come on and stand up!

Will you get... Just...

What?

- The trouble with him is he's drunk.
- That's just about the strength of it!

- Take him. Get him.
- I'll get you!

It's a good thing
we sent for the manager.

It certainly was.

Say, you better give me the ring back,
it'll be safer with me.

What do you mean?
You didn't give me the ring.

Yes, I did, I slipped it in your
pocket when I told you to beat it.

I haven't got the ring.
You didn't give anything.

What are you trying
to do, hold it back from me?

Can you imagine that?
My pal, my bosom companion,

trying to double-cross me!

Excuse me, gentlemen,

it's none of my business, but I saw
him put the ring in your pocket.

- Why don't you give it up?
- What do you mean,

you saw him put it in there?
I haven't got it!

Pardon me for butting in
but may I speak to you alone?

Why, sure. Pardon me.

Would you like to have us
scare it out of him?

How?

We can make out
we're a couple of tough guys

and pretend to take him for a ride.

What did he say?

These gentlemen have been kind enough
to invite us for a nice ride.

- Would you like to go along?
- I'd love to, but what about the ring?

Oh, just forget that. I was only
kidding! I've got it right there.

Well, why didn't you say so?
You had me worried.

As long as you guys
are going for a ride

would you drop me off at home?

- Sure, we'll be glad to drop you off.
- Thanks, pal.

- Come on, boys, let's go.
- Gotcha.

- Call a cab.
- Taxi!

I hope it doesn't rain.

Oh! There they go.

Hmm.

- Did you get rid of him?
- Who?

- The Captain.
- The Captain?

I haven't seen him. Have you?

What do you mean,
you haven't seen him?

You told me to beat it
and he's been chasing me ever since.

Do you mean to tell me
that the Captain is in here?

What's the matter with you?
You saw the Captain,

- he's as mad as a firefly.
- Holy mackerel.

We've got to get out of here!

Oh, there you are! I've been
looking all over town for you.

- What happened to your face?
- You know well enough what happened!

If you think you can put mustard
on my head and burn my nose

and get away with it, you're crazy.

- What's he talking about?
- Before it was two to one.

Now it's three to two,
that makes it even.

You must be barmy.
We haven't seen you since...

- Barmy, am I? At 'em, boys!
- Whoa!

Listen to me, you go that way
and cut off their retreat.

- Okay.
- Come on, Snuffy!

Fooled you, didn't I?

Up aloft after them, Snuffy! Come on!

There they go!

Come on, now!

That's the boss.

You did a very good job
getting rid of the cops. Stand by.

This way, gentlemen.

Say, what about our friend?
you forgot to drop him off.

Oh, he's asleep. We'll do that later.

- Hello, boss.
- Hello, Tiny.

Hello, boss.

Boys, I want you to meet
a couple of friends of mine.

- How do you do?
- How are you?

This lug's got a very valuable ring
and he refuses to give it up.

No, you're mistaken,
he's got the ring...

One of you guys knows where it is
and you'd better cough it up.

I haven't got the ring!

- Shakespeare.
- Not now!

All right, you crooks,

if you won't tell us where it is,
we'll have to give you the works.

Go to it, Tiny. When you get
the dope, you know where to find us.

- All right, boss.
- I though we were going for a ride.

- Just a minute...
- Sit down.

But I wanna talk to these men, here.

Sit down!

All right, boys, mix up the cement.

- Sure, Tiny.
- Okey-dokey, Tiny.

What are you gonna do?

We're gonna put your feet in cement.

And if you don't talk
by the time it hardens,

we're gonna throw you off the dock!

Why don't you give 'em the ring?

I haven't got the ring!

You told me you had it
when were in the bar!

I can't remember you giving it to me
in there and... Oh!

Hey, hey!

Listen, you go that way.

Where in tarnation did they go?

I don't know, they gave us the slip
on the last turn.

- We'd better get back to the ship.
- That's them there!

Good and hard now, Tiny.

- All right, take 'em out.
- Okay.

Oh! Be careful!

Oh! Oh!

Oh...

- No!
- You can't do this to us!

Oh-ho.

Stop that crying!
Now this is your last chance.

If you don't tell us where that
ring is, over you go.

We don't know,
do we Ollie?

How can we tell you
if we don't remember?

- Maybe this'll help you remember!
- Oh!

Take this thing off of my head!

Oh!

- Help!
- Help!

- There they are!
- Help!

- Come on.
- Help!

Now you swabs, give me that pearl ring
or I'll drown you like rats!

We don't know where it is!

- Shakespeare.
- No, not now!

Let 'em go.

Pull 'em up again.

Better give me another,
this is my last one I got.

Oh, wait it was here. Here's a boxful.

- Where did that come from?
- Never mind where it came from.

We'll go find the Captain
and give it back to him. Come on.

Oh, Captain, there's your ring.

Oh, thanks very much.

- What's that?
- Maybe somebody's fallen overboard!

Come on, help me pull them up!

- Did you see what I saw?
- Certainly, you know who they are?

They're our twin brothers,
Stan and Ollie!

- What are they doing?
- I don't know!

Come on, let's get 'em up! Get ahold.

Well, well, well, hello, Ollie!

Hello, Bert. Gee,
it's great to see you.

- Hello, Stan.
- Hello, Alf.

What are you doing here?

Mother wrote us and told us
that you two were dead.

Well, we just arrived this morning
on the Periwinkle.

That explains everything,

they've been mistaken for us
and we've been mistaken for them.

Why, certainly!

Let's go home
and explain it to the wives.

You're sure looking good, Stanley,
but how you have altered.

You've altered too but you
haven't changed a bit, has he, Ollie?

Come on, Bert.

That Laurel is the dumbest
thing I ever saw.

- The other one is too.
- You're absolutely right, Bert.

Neither one of them can see any
further than the end of their nose.

Subtitles : Deluxe