Operation: Tropical Stormy (2009) - full transcript
And: Świerszczyk69
WICKED PICTURES
presents:
...a STORMY DANIELS special operation.
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PRESENTS:
OPERATION
TROPICAL STORMY
STARRING:
-
-
WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY:
STORMY DANIELS
Two months after (accidently) saving the world
and capturing evil terrorist leader Hussein,...
...George and his wife Rachel
were promoted to official agent status.
Just when life had returned to normal for the couple,
they received some troubling news...
Don't worry.
Dr Harper is more-than-capable.
I'm just so scared for George.
Was this really necessary?
Absolutely.
Without a complete identity change,
your husband's life was in grave danger.
We received intel that after the capture of Hussein,
and angered four terrorist factions,
they put a price on his head.
I understand.
Yeah. It looks like he's almost done.
Do you want to go in and take a peek?
Yes.
Sir?
How much was it?
What?
The price on George's head?
Ah. Four dollars.
Four dollars?
Four dollars?
Oh!
Excellent work, Doctor.
That's quite a transformation.
Yeah... this is incredible.
Who is this anyway?
Some famous porn star: Evan Stone.
Agent Z was quite insistent on his new face.
He also thought you'd appreciate... this.
Oh!
Holy shit.
What is that?
A penis implant.
We had this special order,
the extra huge size he requested.
Look at the size of those testicles.
Oh yeah...
Yes...!
A curious side-effect I'm afraid.
After performing a
facelift at this magnitude,
we had so much extra skin...
Frankly we didn't know
where else to put it so...
Hmmm.
Oh no waste, he's finally got some balls.
And he will be fully
functional in about 3 days.
Yes!
Yeah, while you're at it, Doc,
can you laser off those stupid tattoos?
Sure. Easy enough.
Woo.
Three days. Three days.
*Across the pond, British
agents Jacks and Watson*
*have safely returned to
England where they continue*
*to celebrate the success
of their mission*
*the way dashing British
agents often do...*
Just as we thought we were done for it,
was to be the end of us,
there was a loud crashing sound...
BANG! Missile come bursting
through the palace room,
just missing us by inches.
Do you have any idea how difficult is to
operate a successful mission while
dressing with this garments?
What we was wearing is
inconsequential Watson.
I'd have to disagree, sir.
It's quite difficult to outrun
the hostiles in a skirt.
Enough Watson.
So there we were:
Battling our way through
the palace guards,
heavily outnumbered.
The bear in mind. We never
expected to make it out alive,
but still we battled on.
We fought away for the flames
and the falling debris.
Until we caught up with
the evil: terrorist Hussein.
To save the world from impending doom.
- And rescue the harem girls!
- Quite.
Now her Majesty the Queen
has decided to, Mr. Jacks and I,
with the... utmost honor.
Yes, we ought to be
knighted tomorrow morning.
(Oooh...)
Can you believe that, man?
Sir Jacks. Sir Watson.
Yes.
Now, if you wouldn't...
excuse us ladies.
We need to get our rest
for tomorrow ceremonies.
- Slipper sir?
- Thank you, Watson.
Are you sure we can't
stay just a bit longer?
Perhaps we can help you
relax before the big event.
Yes, I've never made it
with a knight before.
Well technically we're
not quite knight yet.
Shut up! Watson!
We certainly did rise
to the occasion.
George?
It's after 7:00 you better be up.
George?
If you make me late on my first
day as an agent,
I'll kill you myself.
[Whisper:] George?
George?
[A bit louder:] George?
- [Loud:] George!
- Ah!
[*gunshot*]
What the fuck is wrong
with you?
George, you almost killed me!
Thought you were hostile.
Hostile? I'll show you "hostile" if
you don't get up.
Idiot!
What much (?)
Yeah, back in the day I was...
was quite the athlete.
It's pole vaulting around the room,
and... uh...
After the sex, well that's when she
actually knighted me.
It was quite ***
Agent Z?
I got a mission for you.
Go down and get me a cup of coffee.
[*Laughs*]
That just never gets old.
Take these authorization
forms down to the labs,
we can finalize testing on formula 69.
I will take that.
Ever mean to have a little "chat"
with Amy down in the lab.
It's me to do it.
No. You remember what happened last time
we ventured down to
her little den of iniquity?
Stop thinking about it.
*** you pig.
It's gonna be a catfight.
Where are you, Amy?
You, little slut.
Where are you?
That's right.
You better hide.
You know who was gonna come down here
and kick some ass.
[*eeeew*]
That's interesting.
Hi!
Oh. You're not Amy.
No, uh, Amy's out in the field.
She's collecting samples. She
won't be back until next week.
I'm her sister Martha.
Where are your pants?
Oh...
I'm working at a top-secret project
called "Formula 69".
Formula 69? All right...
You people are into some
seriously kinky shit down here.
Mm-hmm.
Well you see we've managed
to isolate a pheromone,
that's only detectable to females.
And also odorless and colorless.
It induces extreme sexual arousal,
and pleasurable endorphins when inhaled.
Thus clouding the judgment
of any female.
And when mixed with any
standard men's cologne,
it becomes an invaluable tool
to our male agents,
to stracke and obtain information
from would be females acids.
Hmmm... hmm.
God how you freaks the same.
Mumbo jumbo.
Well...
Thank you for the... chemistry lesson there,
Dr No-Pants.
But I think I'll be going back upstairs,
where the sane people work.
[*spray*]
Now you don't really think that
that's gonna...
[*Martha laughs nervously*]
I... I... I didn't mean to actually...
Cause I'm not really into... aah...
So tell me...
Do you think your wife is
actually murdering Amy,
or just beating her beyond recognition?
Just a thought.
[*women moanings*]
Come on, come on... ah!
Hmm... yeah.
"You're my favourite fucking lab whore",
tell me!
You're my favourite fucking lab whore.
Test formula complete.
Subject reacted with optimal results.
(Hmmm)
Wow, I see she got to you too.
Buckingham Palace - England
I can't believe it, sir.
I've got to pee again.
I told you not to drink so much
tea this morning.
[*They're smelling something*]
What's that god-awful stench?
God, sir...
I've stepped in dog poop.
Oh my...
[*steps*]
Quick.
Hmm-hmm.
What should I do?
Lose the shoes, man.
- No!
- Yes, quick, lose the shoes.
Hurry up!
In remembrance of those given and received,
and for outstanding service to
crown and the country,
and on behalf of the Commowealth,
I hereby dub thee
Sir Marcus Jacks.
You may rise.
[*oooh*]
Agent Z, agent D,
there's an important satellite transmission
for you in the control room.
It's the President.
(Hello?)
Go ahead, Mr President.
This is on?
I don't get good reception in my office.
Ah, agents Z and D.
I'd like to congratulate you on the
successful mission,
and in capturing that really
really bad guy...
... Who's that dude's named, Dick?
...and in capturing that really
really bad guy Hussein.
I also want to thank you on
behalf of the American public,
because they would have been very
sad to have been blown up.
It was our pleasure, sir.
As a personal gesture,
I would like to grant you to
the use of my really big boat.
And it's a fancy one too,
to celebrate your anniversary.
Oh my God!
Thank you Mr President. Sir.
Look at that, Dick,
now that's what I call a missile.
[*flsuhing the toilets*]
[*fart*]
Oh my God, do you believe it?
I'm going on a cruise...
... on the president's boat!
Oh my God.
This is so awesome!
Oh my God!
I never get to go anywhere...
[*indistinct chat*]
- What?
- Who are they?
Well, since you're an agent now,
X is auditioning new assistants.
He's replacing me?
Uh, pff..
This is a top secret mission,
of the utmost importance.
I need for you to take this phone,
and answer it whenever I call.
If you don't I could be killed.
Do you understand?
He's replacing me.
- Hmm.
- Hmm.
Okay, okay, okay.
Do you understand?
- Understand what?
- [*she laughs*]
What was the question again?
(Okay)
You're perfect.
You're hired.
- Me?
- Me? No, me!
No, me!
He's talking about me, okay?
- Me!
- Me!
Hep Hep!
Okay, both of you.
You're both hired.
Stop it.
Stop it!
[*indistinct chat*]
So...
You guys are Agent X new
administrative assistants, huh?
No, silly, we're secretaries!
Unbelievable.
***?
It could have happened to anyone.
But it didn't happen to anyone.
It happened to me.
I must have keep *** like that.
Sir Jacks.
Sir Jacks, at your service.
Look on the bright side,
it's not every day you get into
the Queen's knickers, no? Is it?
Actually she wasn't wearing any, was she?
Come on Tea Biscuit,
let's go slay some dragons.
[*Mission Impossible theme*]
(Agent Jacks, agent Watson,)
(do you read? This is agent Q, please respond.)
This is Watson.
(We ave just received a coded transmission)
(Seems that North Korean leader Jong-Il has ***)
(large quantites of unknown substance,)
(for use in a weapon.)
***
(We are not sure.)
(But the message allude to an
impending large-scale attack.)
(We attract a vessel transport
one of the ships)
(***)
(Proceed immediately to *** air force base.)
(your transport is already in route and)
(intelligence waiting to further review)
(with ***)
(This message will self-destruct in... 5...)
(4... 3... 2...)
(1...) [*BANG*]
I hate when they do that.
That's the fourth one this week.
And I wanted some toast tonight.
Now, the mirror on the wall,
who's the sexiest of them all?
[*beep*]
Many pardons, Supreme Commander Sir,
the *** is here to see you.
Oh... have a wait in my office.
I'm so sexy.
She not resist me this time.
Ah...
Jung-Ho... What a pleasure.
Sorry for the interruption, Commander,
I was sent to informing that
Dr Kwan has arrived safely,
and is now working on your formula.
He's guaranteed me he'll
have results shortly.
Excellent.
Wacky americans keep searching
for nuclear weapons.
They will never suspect this.
I so smart!
I genius!
Genius!
Tell Dr Kwan he has exactly 24 hours.
General So-Hung will be joining you to
oversee completion of the attack.
Oh, Yung-Ho?
Shall we make with the sex?
Yung-Ho?
Oh... You play hard-to-get?
Alrighty!
I've been stretching.
[*ouch*]
Yung-Ho?
Yung-Ho?
From now on...
...you're gonna be known as agents...
... "T"...
... and "A".
You know it is a terrible thing, though,
to think that you may not come
back from one of these missions.
[*ooooh*]
I'm sorry...
I'm okay though.
'Cause it's just something
that I, CIA agents,
have to put up with, you know.
Wear it like a badge of honor
Still the... thought of never...
...have a look or touch you again...
I'm alright...
(No no, we can like that, eternally...)
No...
(No... we can...)
Ouch, hold it!
Okay, okay...
Ladies, there is enough of agent X...
...to pull around.
(yeah...)
...and... listen...
if you're gonna be a team...
We're gonna see how you...
You know... work to...
together.
[*Jaws theme*]
[*Laughs*]
[*Laughs*]
Ah!
[*gunshot*]
The supreme commander will not be
pleased with another failure.
I'm close.
I'm close.
I just need more time.
You are almost out of time, doctor.
*Somewhere at sea on the
President's really, really big boat.*
♪ Oh I'm the captain of the
captain of the captain of the ship. ♪
♪ I'm the captain of the biggest ship
that ever sailed the sea ♪
♪ I'm the captain of the captain
of the ship of the sea ♪
♪ of the sea ♪
- Wow...
- Happy and rich
It's beautiful...
It doesn't get any better than this.
I don't know...
I can think of something
that can make it even better...
- I can't think of anything to get it
- Oh really?
You serious?
- With me?
- Yeah!
- You want to have... sex with me?
- Yeah!
Or do you want to have
sex with the guy that...
...looks like Evan Stone?
Wow captain...
You have worn me out.
I think I'm gonna go
have a nap before dinner.
All right.
- You *** up
- Indeed.
Now what are you gonna do with that?
- This?
- That.
That's dangerous seas.
You got to be careful.
There's pirates around.
I'm not afraid of pirates.
Now they're *** when I got this baby.
It's the last of them.
So...
How is it going?
Well, I'm using satellite imaging
to look for a bunker or warehouse,
but I can't find any sort of structures.
Especially nothing large
enough to store weapons.
Well...
Keep searching old chap.
Sir Jacks is gonna take a good nap.
Sir Jacks can kiss my ass.
[*beep beep*]
This better be good.
The Supreme Commander
does not like to
be interrupted during his mani-pedi.
The tests have been successful.
The formula is now complete.
Yung-Ho,
have you called to reconsider my
offer to make the sweet love?
Hello?
Hello?
Hello?
(sad music)
♪ I'm so horny... ♪
♪ So horny as *** is engorged ♪
♪ That's just me on my throne ♪
wrong with my puppet
♪ I am *** of my *** ♪
♪ I'm so horny ♪
♪ I don't want to be
*** a virgin no more ♪
♪ There's nobody... ♪
♪ for this pint-sized dictator ♪
♪ So I just leave, ♪
♪ and go out, and go out ♪
♪ I'm so horny ♪
*** my herpes.
[*explosion*]
Leave the ship!
Come with me if you want to live.
Aah!
Where are we going?
Rachel, it's not my fault!
It's not my fault!
Rachel don't be mad!
Don't be mad?
How could I not be mad?
You've just sunk the President's yacht.
How exactly one sink a yacht anyway?
I felt asleep.
Down my rocket launcher.
Ah-ah... Pool!
You and that fucking
rocket launcher.
What I don't get is
how the doctors
were able to fix your
tiny crooked little dick,
but they couldn't do
anything for your pea brain.
Yeah. That's right.
You have to be the stupidest person alive.
Actually wait a minute... no...
That would be me, because,
I married your dumb ass.
But... But,
you are, definitely,
the worst secret agent in History.
You take that back.
No.
You take that back Rachel.
Nope.
Fuck you George.
Grrrrrr... I hate you!
I hate you more.
Damn... I hate you forever.
At eternity... Time 20!
I should have let you drown.
That's coming from
a guy in water wings.
You can't even swim, George.
Fucking idiot.
Ubelievable.
There goes my raise.
I'm still not sure how you intend
to get the American public
to just poison themselves.
Uh. That's how:
There's one thing...
no redneck can resist...
(This weekend...)
they're gonna have
their silly 4th of July.
They'll enjoy their last hotdog cookout!
Ha-ha-ha
Genius.
I know.
I am So-Hung.
An honor.
I mean, I heard.
I mean, I read.
Nevermind.
Ah!
You said you'd call.
You said you'd go to anger management.
Obviously you didn't.
Oh!
He'll be back...
He'll be back.
George always comes back.
What if he doesn't come back?
Oh god what if he doesn't
come back... [*crying*]
How I'm gonna spend the night?
I don't know how to put a tent together.
Oh god...
Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god...
[*man screaming*]
Here we go. Here we go.
Big jungle, big jungle.
Survival. Survival is important.
In a jungle,
one can survive if we have food,
if we have some water.
Water.
[*crying*]
I'm so thirsty.
I'm so thirsty...
Maybe someone copy...
Copy, be nice...
Hey, you must be the
jungle to survive the jungle.
[*he makes monkey sounds*]
I'm never gonna get out of here alive...
[*Some big animal screaming*]
[*Some big animal screaming again*]
Aaaaaah!
It's... it's water...
Sweet taste of water.
And it's mine!
♪ I don't need no Rachel ♪
♪ You know that I hate you ♪
♪ I am the king of the jungle ♪
♪ And I'm the king of waterfall ♪
- [*Piut*]
- Ah!
Stupid idiot.
He'll be back.
[*frogs noises*]
Nah...
George?
George is that you?
George?
George's is so not funny.
George?
[*explosion*]
Oh!
Oh, that's my favourite...
[*machinegun shots*]
[*gunshots*]
[*hmmm!*]
Jax Rachel what what are you doing here
- Jacks?
- Rachel?
- Watson?
- What are you doing here?
Are you on the mission?
Yeah...
[whispering:] What mission?
I don't know, he doesn't tell me anything.
Oh...
Okay, I think it's clear.
Let's move. Quick. Let's move.
You, uh, do likely be needing these.
Thanks.
So...
You're really Sir Jacks now, huh?
I can't believe you guys got knighted.
Oh... hum...
Well, one of us did,
but things didn't go quite
as planned for Watson.
Really?
What happened?
I don't want to talk about it, okay?
Sir *** keep rubbing it in my face.
(Don't be so sensitive, man)
Let's just brief Rachel now, would you?
Well, as you know, this
island is the smallest
of the group belonging to
North Korean leader, Jong-Il.
Now a British intel has informed us
that he has hidden some sort of
weapon here in preparing for attack.
We've been using satelite imagery
to scan the terrain for any
photographic element of anything
man-made existing out here.
So we began searching the island on
for 2 days ago, thinking perhaps
Jong-Il had stashed the weapons in a cave.
But so far, we've had no luck.
Hmmm.
Have you guys consider the
possibility that maybe it's underground?
- No...
- [*Jacks toughs*]
Um, I mean, yes.
Here.
I'll hack into one of the
US heat-seeking satellite,
reposition it to scan this island,
see what we can find.
Wow...
You really did the..
on your top secret clearance now, didn't you?
Could you doubt me, sir Jacks?
Never again, my dear.
Never again.
Look, it's working...
Goog god.
It's been been right
beneath us the whole time.
It appears to be about a *** of us.
- Oh my god.
- What?
We have to tell George.
George?
George, yes! Where is he, old chap?
Oh, nice!
Very nice. Look at these statues.
Very nice.
Wonderful place.
Ouch, ah. Oh that was painful.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you very much, but
I could have walked.
There was a woo...
Ouh!
Oh, hey, woo... Time out!
Time out. Hold on. Time out.
Time out. Woo, secret wedding ring.
I know it's means something
to some people but
to other people it means nothing,
but to me I love Rachel.
Whoa. Rachel? Rachel?
Loving Rachel. Loving Rachel. Whoa.
Something else is up beside Rachel.
Hello?
Okay, wow, let's skip it...
Stop it.
Stop it, I'm getting wood.
Woah, getting wood...
Okay, okay. Just a little bit.
All right, just a little bit.
Okay, okay, okay,
all right? I wouldn't want to be rude.
One of the security details found
an intruder on the beach.
Oh, would they eliminated?
She escaped.
Son of bitch. Shit.
Have my men ***
[*roar*]
- What is that?
- What is that?
George?
[*roar*]
Don't... move.
Slowly guys. Slowly.
- [*roar*]
- Move!
Sir Jacks!
Shoot that!
Rachel I'm coming.
Oh my god.
Rachel?
What the...?
Agent Jacks? Meet my new friend.
Rachel, how?
Top secret pheromone spray.
Formula 69.
Females find it irresistible.
Obviously the species is not a factor.
I'd say.
- Can I have it?
- No.
Oh... Why?
- Sir?
- What are you doing?
It's no time for siesta Watson.
Come on get up!
(What happened?)
You fainted. That's what happened.
Fainted?
Yes, I told you once,
now I told you twice.
That's one crafty bird.
Come on!
Quickly...
That's one crafty bird, Watson.
I don't get it...
Where could he be?
He could be anywhere.
It's George.
He couldn't have gone that far.
- Who knows?
- Have you see the shape he's in?
***
Look!
This is his floaty.
He couldn't have gone far.
- Sir?
- You thought what I think it is?
Cannibals.
Cannibals?
There's cannibals here?
What does that mean for George?
What...
- Sorry...
- What does that mean?
- I'm sorry Rachel.
- Sorry Rachel.
No...
George!
He's...
He doesn't hurt ***. Come on.
Why there's someone who wanna eat George?
Number one: buy new platform shoes.
Check.
Number two: update my my-appraised(?) page.
Yeah, check.
Number three: blew something up.
[*explosion*]
He-he. Check.
Number four: father more illegitimate children...
About to be checked...
Yung-Ho. I need you consider my offer.
We can make beautiful evil offspring together.
Intruders were discovered
in the island, Commander.
Would don't just stand there, looking cute,
with your dragon face in your big cans.
Go get them and destroy them.
Oh wait...
Tell me s sexy thing.
Rachel, I'm sure he knew how
you really felt.
That's what I'm afraid of...
You see,
the last time I saw George,
I hit him with my shoe...
To George.
A gentleman spy.
And a great soldier.
Well... sort of.
Rachel,
many comrades fall in ***
It is the nature of our business.
But George died saving his country.
You should be very proud.
Hmm, you're cute.
You sound like that little
insurance lizard on the TV.
Huh?
- We should make out.
- What?
Oh, I do love a natural woman.
Nazi tiger...
What you... What are you doing?
What the fuck are you doing?
You touching my leg!
P-Put your leg there.
Wh... What about you, sir?
What?
- Sir! Don't... Don't move!
(- What are you...?)
(What is it?)
What is it? What is it?
Is it yours?
No.
Don't *** it over here, you freak.
Guys...
I think somebody's out there.
How do know?
I don't know... I just...
I don't know, I can sense it.
- Oh, you can sense it, can you?
- Hmm-mm
I think my highly-trained instinct
would have alerted me to
anything is going on out there.
I think she my be right, sir.
How'd you know that?
Oh shit! Get out!
[*gunshots*]
Look, I got the big gun now.
Sorry...
I'll be over here.
Good job, Watson!
Yes sir.
Thank you sir.
I'll be over here, sir.
(Everything is alright now?)
We better git it ready.
There could be more coming.
Come on.
Wait wait wait.
What's that sound?
Cannibals.
It's the sound of the sacrificial drums.
Sacrifice... oh!
You don't think... George?
Could it be?
[*tribal song*]
What a minute...
That's not George.
Looks like that porno chap.
Yes, it does.
What's his name?
Evan Stone, sir.
Well...
That might look like Evan Stone,
but that's my George.
New and improved.
And all the right spots on ***.
How are we gonna save him?
Hmm...
Well, sir Jacks,
what's your great instincts tell you now?
We're gonna need a distraction.
What kind of distraction?
There's so many of them...
I think I have just the thing.
[*they quietly laughs*]
[*pssssst*]
Ah!
Rachel, what are you doing here?
I'm rescuing you.
Now come on, let's go.
Rescue... I don't need your rescue.
Not from someone like you.
These. These are my people and they,
they love me, unlike you.
Right...
Well,
your people,
are going to eat you.
Yeah, somebody is jealous.
No, you jackass.
Look around.
They're going to eat you.
They're cannibals.
Yeah... they're going to eat me... hehe.
Cannibals.
Ah!
Be quiet.
ladies oh come on what he's good enough
- Ladies!
- Ahhh!!!
Oh come on!
What? He's good enough
to eat and I'm not?
What a bloody hell with you?
I think we should get out
of here before they come back.
Yes, good idea.
Oh, George, have you heard?
I'm sir Jacks now.
Hey! Does anybody see Watson?
Okay, I think we should split up.
Watson and I will head to the
mainland and take out Jong-Il.
Rachel, George, you stay here
look for the underground bunker.
From the satellite images,
*** is beneath us.
Entrance has to be around here somewhere.
Now buddies, ***
To meet again.
- You are fantastic.
- Thanks.
What the hell did he mean by that?
What?
I mean: what the hell did he
mean by that?
"You are fantastic."
Don't start with me George.
I know what the cannibals do to people
before they eat them.
That's right.
I watch the Discovery Channel.
"I know what cannibal do before they eat."
Don't worry: I watch the Discovery Channel.
(George? Now!)
I don't get it.
Jacks said the hatch is here.
Can't find it.
Are you looking in the right place?
I don't think Jacks knows always
what Jacks is talking about.
Oh really?
And you do?
Let me get this straight:
You, who sank the President's yacht,
got us stranded on an island,
stranded on an island almost got
almost got yourself eaten by cannibals.
Wow.
Why would I think you know how to find it?
Oh my god, honey!
You found it!
- I found what?
- The hatch!
Oh yeah! I found the hatch.
You dipshit.
- Look!
- What? Ahhh!!!
Oh, the hatch!
Open it.
Yeah, all right.
Not like that!
Try the handle.
(A little help here?)
After you, sir.
Down there?
- Down there.
- Down there?
Down there.
- Down there...
- Down there.
What?
Watch it:
Just if we don't make it out,
I want to tell you I'm
sorry I said I hated you.
I don't hate you.
I'm sorry too,
I'm sorry about everything,
I'm sorry about... ruining our anniversary,
I'm sorry.
You didn't write that. And hey,
this is memorable, right?
Right.
I think I see something up ahead.
What are you doing?
I'm gonna call headquarters.
They have no idea where we are...
...or what's going on.
- What's wrong?
- It's weird...
...no response.
Oh shit, the CSV has call for distress,
localise-it!
What is all this stuff anyway?
Barbecue sauce.
That's kind of weird.
George get down!
The *** of a poison
has been mixed into the sauce.
All the bottles are packaged,
ready to be shipped.
(The Supreme Commander shall reward
you for your dedication to the cause.)
By this time tomorrow,
these bottles will be on their way
to every American grocery store.
[Laughter]
Not if I can help it!
Ah! I can *** it for you.
Go ahead.
Make my day.
Have you just disarmed me and
hit me the nose at the same time?
All right...
See what you got, how quick you are, uh.
Not bad at all.
Now I have to know ***
Now I've seen your Shaolin, ***
Join in.
Let's see how you do
with a flying grasshopper.
Alright Mr Master.
Let's see how well you do
with the broken back.
Son of a bitch.
Have a little sauce!
A box of sauce!
That, a big helmet!
That, a machine gun!
Crap!
George,
what are you doing?
I just killed the most deadly
midnight assassin ninja,
Shaolin master the world has ever known.
He's right over there.
You don't have to lie.
(I quit fucking around, let's go.)
[*George imitates Rachel speaking*]
Let's go!!
On the chopper!
Let's go!
Let's go men!
And women!
Excuse me, Mr President,
there's very important call
for you on line 1.
I told you I'm doing important
president's stuff and
I don't want to be disturbed.
Tell that dick to take a message.
Okay.
Will there be anything else?
Come in.
Yes?
What's the capital of Florida?
Uh-huh... It's Tallahassee, but...
...that's Texas, sir.
That's Texas?
Yeah, you know, your home state.
Yeah, yeah.
T...
E...
X...
- H...
- A.
"S", yes.
Thanks. Clean. Go.
Damn.
Got to figure out a way around ***,
*** bloody entire army.
I have an idea.
You do?
Hmm-hmm.
- What?
- Take out, sir.
Take out? Take out...
Good idea! I'm bloody stop... Take out?!
Ain't talking about take out!
I can't be thinking about our
stomachs in this kind of time.
Hello, do you speak english?
Oh shit, are you serious?
- Wow...
- Eeew...
Is this... blood? Blood!
No, idiot, it's barbecue sauce.
Eeeew...
(God! Damn it Wilma!)
It's the 3rd time this week
I've had to come looking for you.
And where did I find you?
Where did I find you?
On the other side of the island with
that gaddamn coconuts again!
I can't take it anymore.
Wait... Wilma... I'm sorry!
I'm sorry.
It won't happen again.
I'll take ou to the mall,
(I'll buy you those shoes
you've always wanted.)
We'll get a couples therapy.
(I'll do what he says.)
Was that?
I guess so.
A volley ball.
Or something like that.
- Lot of work shit on this island.
- Yeah.
Let's get out of here.
[*bicylcle ring*]
What is that?
It's take out, sir.
- Take out?
- The special!
Oh.
*** for... for Mister the Supreme Kim?
Oh...
Me?
Good job, man.
Come on!
Good job!
Psst. Where do you think is Kim, sir?
I don't know.
Just check every door.
Ouch... Jesus Christ!
God, honey, that's my face!
[*Aargh*]
Ouch!
Come on, come on.
Rachel! What are you doing?
- My first kill.
- You can't.
It'll cost too much commotion.
We got to rescue the Brits.
[*sighs of a woman*]
Loot at that.
Wow...
Now that was a sight, was it not?
Good god man! What are you doing?
Don't worry, sir. I know what to do.
Watson, no! Watson! Watson!
No!
No! Watson!
[*girls are screaming*]
Watson! Come on!
- *** this time, sir.
- No shit!
Shit!
Oh shit!
Aaaah!
Where are you idiot?
- Coming sir!
- Shit!
(Agent D, it's agent X.)
(Choppers are on route.)
(Meet is on the roof in half an hour.)
Copy, agent X.
Rooftop in half an hour.
That's over.
- Give me that.
- What?
- Let's go.
- Right.
- That's not ours.
- It's a souvenir!
Why not get souvenir?
Shhhh. Let's go.
(Sorry sir!)
- You hear that?
- This way.
You go ahead. I have an idea.
I won't betray my country!
Nothing. Nothing.
There are other ways.
Many ways. To make you talk.
No...
No...
No... Stop...
[Laughter]
Stop!
Stop! I'll tell everything!
Watson! Don't do it, man!
Get all yourself!
And after my parents divorced, I...
went to live in the English
countryside with my Nana.
She made the most ***
and a *** that I would have died for.
About auntie Gertrude,
she made some amazing ***
[*gunshots*]
George! Good George old chap!
Thanks for your help, George.
What's wrong with you, man? Huh?
Speak *** to the enemy like that?
What about your training, huh?
You're ***, you're ***
- Stop it, Stop it.
- Okay.
No wonder they didn't
make you a knight!
Get out of my sight.
Gonna have training *** with your fucking Nana.
Go. I never want to see your sorry
face around here again.
[*snorks*]
[*someone knocks the door*]
Enter.
Who are you?
Uh... the *** agency sent me.
Oh...
I bring you midnight snack.
Oh. That's excellent. I'm starving.
What this is? ***?
Just like a... ***.
[*coughs*]
That's right.
The taste, of your own medecine.
Yes! My first kill.
Rachel!
Well done my dear.
Thank you.
Now it looks like the
mission is complete.
He's dead.
Where's Watson?
Don't ask.
Who cares?
Well, it looks like the
mission is complete, then.
I guess I'll be off.
Come in Pegasus.
This is agent Jacks,
requesting transport.
Out.
***, agent D.
What was that about?
Some kind of lover's quarrel.
Right.
Well, let's get to the roof.
Agent X should be here in a minute.
[*Yay!*]
George!
Help please!
Well, well.
Help...
Sorry, it had to end this way, Rachel.
It's too bad, really.
Please, George...
Then just stay up, poor dumb secretary.
Please ***.
I'm a double agent.
No, I don't believe you.
Aaaaah! George, no!
Don't let go!
George!
Oh!
You are evil.
Rachel... Good bye.
Aaaaaah!
[*CRASH*]
[*Helicopters sounds*]
Come in, headquarters.
This is agent X.
Mission aborted.
I reapeat:
Mission aborted.
Over.
TO BE CONTINUED
Damnit!
Who's there?
WICKED PICTURES
presents:
...a STORMY DANIELS special operation.
AV-Subs
Adult Videos subtitles:
PRESENTS:
OPERATION
TROPICAL STORMY
STARRING:
-
-
WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY:
STORMY DANIELS
Two months after (accidently) saving the world
and capturing evil terrorist leader Hussein,...
...George and his wife Rachel
were promoted to official agent status.
Just when life had returned to normal for the couple,
they received some troubling news...
Don't worry.
Dr Harper is more-than-capable.
I'm just so scared for George.
Was this really necessary?
Absolutely.
Without a complete identity change,
your husband's life was in grave danger.
We received intel that after the capture of Hussein,
and angered four terrorist factions,
they put a price on his head.
I understand.
Yeah. It looks like he's almost done.
Do you want to go in and take a peek?
Yes.
Sir?
How much was it?
What?
The price on George's head?
Ah. Four dollars.
Four dollars?
Four dollars?
Oh!
Excellent work, Doctor.
That's quite a transformation.
Yeah... this is incredible.
Who is this anyway?
Some famous porn star: Evan Stone.
Agent Z was quite insistent on his new face.
He also thought you'd appreciate... this.
Oh!
Holy shit.
What is that?
A penis implant.
We had this special order,
the extra huge size he requested.
Look at the size of those testicles.
Oh yeah...
Yes...!
A curious side-effect I'm afraid.
After performing a
facelift at this magnitude,
we had so much extra skin...
Frankly we didn't know
where else to put it so...
Hmmm.
Oh no waste, he's finally got some balls.
And he will be fully
functional in about 3 days.
Yes!
Yeah, while you're at it, Doc,
can you laser off those stupid tattoos?
Sure. Easy enough.
Woo.
Three days. Three days.
*Across the pond, British
agents Jacks and Watson*
*have safely returned to
England where they continue*
*to celebrate the success
of their mission*
*the way dashing British
agents often do...*
Just as we thought we were done for it,
was to be the end of us,
there was a loud crashing sound...
BANG! Missile come bursting
through the palace room,
just missing us by inches.
Do you have any idea how difficult is to
operate a successful mission while
dressing with this garments?
What we was wearing is
inconsequential Watson.
I'd have to disagree, sir.
It's quite difficult to outrun
the hostiles in a skirt.
Enough Watson.
So there we were:
Battling our way through
the palace guards,
heavily outnumbered.
The bear in mind. We never
expected to make it out alive,
but still we battled on.
We fought away for the flames
and the falling debris.
Until we caught up with
the evil: terrorist Hussein.
To save the world from impending doom.
- And rescue the harem girls!
- Quite.
Now her Majesty the Queen
has decided to, Mr. Jacks and I,
with the... utmost honor.
Yes, we ought to be
knighted tomorrow morning.
(Oooh...)
Can you believe that, man?
Sir Jacks. Sir Watson.
Yes.
Now, if you wouldn't...
excuse us ladies.
We need to get our rest
for tomorrow ceremonies.
- Slipper sir?
- Thank you, Watson.
Are you sure we can't
stay just a bit longer?
Perhaps we can help you
relax before the big event.
Yes, I've never made it
with a knight before.
Well technically we're
not quite knight yet.
Shut up! Watson!
We certainly did rise
to the occasion.
George?
It's after 7:00 you better be up.
George?
If you make me late on my first
day as an agent,
I'll kill you myself.
[Whisper:] George?
George?
[A bit louder:] George?
- [Loud:] George!
- Ah!
[*gunshot*]
What the fuck is wrong
with you?
George, you almost killed me!
Thought you were hostile.
Hostile? I'll show you "hostile" if
you don't get up.
Idiot!
What much (?)
Yeah, back in the day I was...
was quite the athlete.
It's pole vaulting around the room,
and... uh...
After the sex, well that's when she
actually knighted me.
It was quite ***
Agent Z?
I got a mission for you.
Go down and get me a cup of coffee.
[*Laughs*]
That just never gets old.
Take these authorization
forms down to the labs,
we can finalize testing on formula 69.
I will take that.
Ever mean to have a little "chat"
with Amy down in the lab.
It's me to do it.
No. You remember what happened last time
we ventured down to
her little den of iniquity?
Stop thinking about it.
*** you pig.
It's gonna be a catfight.
Where are you, Amy?
You, little slut.
Where are you?
That's right.
You better hide.
You know who was gonna come down here
and kick some ass.
[*eeeew*]
That's interesting.
Hi!
Oh. You're not Amy.
No, uh, Amy's out in the field.
She's collecting samples. She
won't be back until next week.
I'm her sister Martha.
Where are your pants?
Oh...
I'm working at a top-secret project
called "Formula 69".
Formula 69? All right...
You people are into some
seriously kinky shit down here.
Mm-hmm.
Well you see we've managed
to isolate a pheromone,
that's only detectable to females.
And also odorless and colorless.
It induces extreme sexual arousal,
and pleasurable endorphins when inhaled.
Thus clouding the judgment
of any female.
And when mixed with any
standard men's cologne,
it becomes an invaluable tool
to our male agents,
to stracke and obtain information
from would be females acids.
Hmmm... hmm.
God how you freaks the same.
Mumbo jumbo.
Well...
Thank you for the... chemistry lesson there,
Dr No-Pants.
But I think I'll be going back upstairs,
where the sane people work.
[*spray*]
Now you don't really think that
that's gonna...
[*Martha laughs nervously*]
I... I... I didn't mean to actually...
Cause I'm not really into... aah...
So tell me...
Do you think your wife is
actually murdering Amy,
or just beating her beyond recognition?
Just a thought.
[*women moanings*]
Come on, come on... ah!
Hmm... yeah.
"You're my favourite fucking lab whore",
tell me!
You're my favourite fucking lab whore.
Test formula complete.
Subject reacted with optimal results.
(Hmmm)
Wow, I see she got to you too.
Buckingham Palace - England
I can't believe it, sir.
I've got to pee again.
I told you not to drink so much
tea this morning.
[*They're smelling something*]
What's that god-awful stench?
God, sir...
I've stepped in dog poop.
Oh my...
[*steps*]
Quick.
Hmm-hmm.
What should I do?
Lose the shoes, man.
- No!
- Yes, quick, lose the shoes.
Hurry up!
In remembrance of those given and received,
and for outstanding service to
crown and the country,
and on behalf of the Commowealth,
I hereby dub thee
Sir Marcus Jacks.
You may rise.
[*oooh*]
Agent Z, agent D,
there's an important satellite transmission
for you in the control room.
It's the President.
(Hello?)
Go ahead, Mr President.
This is on?
I don't get good reception in my office.
Ah, agents Z and D.
I'd like to congratulate you on the
successful mission,
and in capturing that really
really bad guy...
... Who's that dude's named, Dick?
...and in capturing that really
really bad guy Hussein.
I also want to thank you on
behalf of the American public,
because they would have been very
sad to have been blown up.
It was our pleasure, sir.
As a personal gesture,
I would like to grant you to
the use of my really big boat.
And it's a fancy one too,
to celebrate your anniversary.
Oh my God!
Thank you Mr President. Sir.
Look at that, Dick,
now that's what I call a missile.
[*flsuhing the toilets*]
[*fart*]
Oh my God, do you believe it?
I'm going on a cruise...
... on the president's boat!
Oh my God.
This is so awesome!
Oh my God!
I never get to go anywhere...
[*indistinct chat*]
- What?
- Who are they?
Well, since you're an agent now,
X is auditioning new assistants.
He's replacing me?
Uh, pff..
This is a top secret mission,
of the utmost importance.
I need for you to take this phone,
and answer it whenever I call.
If you don't I could be killed.
Do you understand?
He's replacing me.
- Hmm.
- Hmm.
Okay, okay, okay.
Do you understand?
- Understand what?
- [*she laughs*]
What was the question again?
(Okay)
You're perfect.
You're hired.
- Me?
- Me? No, me!
No, me!
He's talking about me, okay?
- Me!
- Me!
Hep Hep!
Okay, both of you.
You're both hired.
Stop it.
Stop it!
[*indistinct chat*]
So...
You guys are Agent X new
administrative assistants, huh?
No, silly, we're secretaries!
Unbelievable.
***?
It could have happened to anyone.
But it didn't happen to anyone.
It happened to me.
I must have keep *** like that.
Sir Jacks.
Sir Jacks, at your service.
Look on the bright side,
it's not every day you get into
the Queen's knickers, no? Is it?
Actually she wasn't wearing any, was she?
Come on Tea Biscuit,
let's go slay some dragons.
[*Mission Impossible theme*]
(Agent Jacks, agent Watson,)
(do you read? This is agent Q, please respond.)
This is Watson.
(We ave just received a coded transmission)
(Seems that North Korean leader Jong-Il has ***)
(large quantites of unknown substance,)
(for use in a weapon.)
***
(We are not sure.)
(But the message allude to an
impending large-scale attack.)
(We attract a vessel transport
one of the ships)
(***)
(Proceed immediately to *** air force base.)
(your transport is already in route and)
(intelligence waiting to further review)
(with ***)
(This message will self-destruct in... 5...)
(4... 3... 2...)
(1...) [*BANG*]
I hate when they do that.
That's the fourth one this week.
And I wanted some toast tonight.
Now, the mirror on the wall,
who's the sexiest of them all?
[*beep*]
Many pardons, Supreme Commander Sir,
the *** is here to see you.
Oh... have a wait in my office.
I'm so sexy.
She not resist me this time.
Ah...
Jung-Ho... What a pleasure.
Sorry for the interruption, Commander,
I was sent to informing that
Dr Kwan has arrived safely,
and is now working on your formula.
He's guaranteed me he'll
have results shortly.
Excellent.
Wacky americans keep searching
for nuclear weapons.
They will never suspect this.
I so smart!
I genius!
Genius!
Tell Dr Kwan he has exactly 24 hours.
General So-Hung will be joining you to
oversee completion of the attack.
Oh, Yung-Ho?
Shall we make with the sex?
Yung-Ho?
Oh... You play hard-to-get?
Alrighty!
I've been stretching.
[*ouch*]
Yung-Ho?
Yung-Ho?
From now on...
...you're gonna be known as agents...
... "T"...
... and "A".
You know it is a terrible thing, though,
to think that you may not come
back from one of these missions.
[*ooooh*]
I'm sorry...
I'm okay though.
'Cause it's just something
that I, CIA agents,
have to put up with, you know.
Wear it like a badge of honor
Still the... thought of never...
...have a look or touch you again...
I'm alright...
(No no, we can like that, eternally...)
No...
(No... we can...)
Ouch, hold it!
Okay, okay...
Ladies, there is enough of agent X...
...to pull around.
(yeah...)
...and... listen...
if you're gonna be a team...
We're gonna see how you...
You know... work to...
together.
[*Jaws theme*]
[*Laughs*]
[*Laughs*]
Ah!
[*gunshot*]
The supreme commander will not be
pleased with another failure.
I'm close.
I'm close.
I just need more time.
You are almost out of time, doctor.
*Somewhere at sea on the
President's really, really big boat.*
♪ Oh I'm the captain of the
captain of the captain of the ship. ♪
♪ I'm the captain of the biggest ship
that ever sailed the sea ♪
♪ I'm the captain of the captain
of the ship of the sea ♪
♪ of the sea ♪
- Wow...
- Happy and rich
It's beautiful...
It doesn't get any better than this.
I don't know...
I can think of something
that can make it even better...
- I can't think of anything to get it
- Oh really?
You serious?
- With me?
- Yeah!
- You want to have... sex with me?
- Yeah!
Or do you want to have
sex with the guy that...
...looks like Evan Stone?
Wow captain...
You have worn me out.
I think I'm gonna go
have a nap before dinner.
All right.
- You *** up
- Indeed.
Now what are you gonna do with that?
- This?
- That.
That's dangerous seas.
You got to be careful.
There's pirates around.
I'm not afraid of pirates.
Now they're *** when I got this baby.
It's the last of them.
So...
How is it going?
Well, I'm using satellite imaging
to look for a bunker or warehouse,
but I can't find any sort of structures.
Especially nothing large
enough to store weapons.
Well...
Keep searching old chap.
Sir Jacks is gonna take a good nap.
Sir Jacks can kiss my ass.
[*beep beep*]
This better be good.
The Supreme Commander
does not like to
be interrupted during his mani-pedi.
The tests have been successful.
The formula is now complete.
Yung-Ho,
have you called to reconsider my
offer to make the sweet love?
Hello?
Hello?
Hello?
(sad music)
♪ I'm so horny... ♪
♪ So horny as *** is engorged ♪
♪ That's just me on my throne ♪
wrong with my puppet
♪ I am *** of my *** ♪
♪ I'm so horny ♪
♪ I don't want to be
*** a virgin no more ♪
♪ There's nobody... ♪
♪ for this pint-sized dictator ♪
♪ So I just leave, ♪
♪ and go out, and go out ♪
♪ I'm so horny ♪
*** my herpes.
[*explosion*]
Leave the ship!
Come with me if you want to live.
Aah!
Where are we going?
Rachel, it's not my fault!
It's not my fault!
Rachel don't be mad!
Don't be mad?
How could I not be mad?
You've just sunk the President's yacht.
How exactly one sink a yacht anyway?
I felt asleep.
Down my rocket launcher.
Ah-ah... Pool!
You and that fucking
rocket launcher.
What I don't get is
how the doctors
were able to fix your
tiny crooked little dick,
but they couldn't do
anything for your pea brain.
Yeah. That's right.
You have to be the stupidest person alive.
Actually wait a minute... no...
That would be me, because,
I married your dumb ass.
But... But,
you are, definitely,
the worst secret agent in History.
You take that back.
No.
You take that back Rachel.
Nope.
Fuck you George.
Grrrrrr... I hate you!
I hate you more.
Damn... I hate you forever.
At eternity... Time 20!
I should have let you drown.
That's coming from
a guy in water wings.
You can't even swim, George.
Fucking idiot.
Ubelievable.
There goes my raise.
I'm still not sure how you intend
to get the American public
to just poison themselves.
Uh. That's how:
There's one thing...
no redneck can resist...
(This weekend...)
they're gonna have
their silly 4th of July.
They'll enjoy their last hotdog cookout!
Ha-ha-ha
Genius.
I know.
I am So-Hung.
An honor.
I mean, I heard.
I mean, I read.
Nevermind.
Ah!
You said you'd call.
You said you'd go to anger management.
Obviously you didn't.
Oh!
He'll be back...
He'll be back.
George always comes back.
What if he doesn't come back?
Oh god what if he doesn't
come back... [*crying*]
How I'm gonna spend the night?
I don't know how to put a tent together.
Oh god...
Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god...
[*man screaming*]
Here we go. Here we go.
Big jungle, big jungle.
Survival. Survival is important.
In a jungle,
one can survive if we have food,
if we have some water.
Water.
[*crying*]
I'm so thirsty.
I'm so thirsty...
Maybe someone copy...
Copy, be nice...
Hey, you must be the
jungle to survive the jungle.
[*he makes monkey sounds*]
I'm never gonna get out of here alive...
[*Some big animal screaming*]
[*Some big animal screaming again*]
Aaaaaah!
It's... it's water...
Sweet taste of water.
And it's mine!
♪ I don't need no Rachel ♪
♪ You know that I hate you ♪
♪ I am the king of the jungle ♪
♪ And I'm the king of waterfall ♪
- [*Piut*]
- Ah!
Stupid idiot.
He'll be back.
[*frogs noises*]
Nah...
George?
George is that you?
George?
George's is so not funny.
George?
[*explosion*]
Oh!
Oh, that's my favourite...
[*machinegun shots*]
[*gunshots*]
[*hmmm!*]
Jax Rachel what what are you doing here
- Jacks?
- Rachel?
- Watson?
- What are you doing here?
Are you on the mission?
Yeah...
[whispering:] What mission?
I don't know, he doesn't tell me anything.
Oh...
Okay, I think it's clear.
Let's move. Quick. Let's move.
You, uh, do likely be needing these.
Thanks.
So...
You're really Sir Jacks now, huh?
I can't believe you guys got knighted.
Oh... hum...
Well, one of us did,
but things didn't go quite
as planned for Watson.
Really?
What happened?
I don't want to talk about it, okay?
Sir *** keep rubbing it in my face.
(Don't be so sensitive, man)
Let's just brief Rachel now, would you?
Well, as you know, this
island is the smallest
of the group belonging to
North Korean leader, Jong-Il.
Now a British intel has informed us
that he has hidden some sort of
weapon here in preparing for attack.
We've been using satelite imagery
to scan the terrain for any
photographic element of anything
man-made existing out here.
So we began searching the island on
for 2 days ago, thinking perhaps
Jong-Il had stashed the weapons in a cave.
But so far, we've had no luck.
Hmmm.
Have you guys consider the
possibility that maybe it's underground?
- No...
- [*Jacks toughs*]
Um, I mean, yes.
Here.
I'll hack into one of the
US heat-seeking satellite,
reposition it to scan this island,
see what we can find.
Wow...
You really did the..
on your top secret clearance now, didn't you?
Could you doubt me, sir Jacks?
Never again, my dear.
Never again.
Look, it's working...
Goog god.
It's been been right
beneath us the whole time.
It appears to be about a *** of us.
- Oh my god.
- What?
We have to tell George.
George?
George, yes! Where is he, old chap?
Oh, nice!
Very nice. Look at these statues.
Very nice.
Wonderful place.
Ouch, ah. Oh that was painful.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you very much, but
I could have walked.
There was a woo...
Ouh!
Oh, hey, woo... Time out!
Time out. Hold on. Time out.
Time out. Woo, secret wedding ring.
I know it's means something
to some people but
to other people it means nothing,
but to me I love Rachel.
Whoa. Rachel? Rachel?
Loving Rachel. Loving Rachel. Whoa.
Something else is up beside Rachel.
Hello?
Okay, wow, let's skip it...
Stop it.
Stop it, I'm getting wood.
Woah, getting wood...
Okay, okay. Just a little bit.
All right, just a little bit.
Okay, okay, okay,
all right? I wouldn't want to be rude.
One of the security details found
an intruder on the beach.
Oh, would they eliminated?
She escaped.
Son of bitch. Shit.
Have my men ***
[*roar*]
- What is that?
- What is that?
George?
[*roar*]
Don't... move.
Slowly guys. Slowly.
- [*roar*]
- Move!
Sir Jacks!
Shoot that!
Rachel I'm coming.
Oh my god.
Rachel?
What the...?
Agent Jacks? Meet my new friend.
Rachel, how?
Top secret pheromone spray.
Formula 69.
Females find it irresistible.
Obviously the species is not a factor.
I'd say.
- Can I have it?
- No.
Oh... Why?
- Sir?
- What are you doing?
It's no time for siesta Watson.
Come on get up!
(What happened?)
You fainted. That's what happened.
Fainted?
Yes, I told you once,
now I told you twice.
That's one crafty bird.
Come on!
Quickly...
That's one crafty bird, Watson.
I don't get it...
Where could he be?
He could be anywhere.
It's George.
He couldn't have gone that far.
- Who knows?
- Have you see the shape he's in?
***
Look!
This is his floaty.
He couldn't have gone far.
- Sir?
- You thought what I think it is?
Cannibals.
Cannibals?
There's cannibals here?
What does that mean for George?
What...
- Sorry...
- What does that mean?
- I'm sorry Rachel.
- Sorry Rachel.
No...
George!
He's...
He doesn't hurt ***. Come on.
Why there's someone who wanna eat George?
Number one: buy new platform shoes.
Check.
Number two: update my my-appraised(?) page.
Yeah, check.
Number three: blew something up.
[*explosion*]
He-he. Check.
Number four: father more illegitimate children...
About to be checked...
Yung-Ho. I need you consider my offer.
We can make beautiful evil offspring together.
Intruders were discovered
in the island, Commander.
Would don't just stand there, looking cute,
with your dragon face in your big cans.
Go get them and destroy them.
Oh wait...
Tell me s sexy thing.
Rachel, I'm sure he knew how
you really felt.
That's what I'm afraid of...
You see,
the last time I saw George,
I hit him with my shoe...
To George.
A gentleman spy.
And a great soldier.
Well... sort of.
Rachel,
many comrades fall in ***
It is the nature of our business.
But George died saving his country.
You should be very proud.
Hmm, you're cute.
You sound like that little
insurance lizard on the TV.
Huh?
- We should make out.
- What?
Oh, I do love a natural woman.
Nazi tiger...
What you... What are you doing?
What the fuck are you doing?
You touching my leg!
P-Put your leg there.
Wh... What about you, sir?
What?
- Sir! Don't... Don't move!
(- What are you...?)
(What is it?)
What is it? What is it?
Is it yours?
No.
Don't *** it over here, you freak.
Guys...
I think somebody's out there.
How do know?
I don't know... I just...
I don't know, I can sense it.
- Oh, you can sense it, can you?
- Hmm-mm
I think my highly-trained instinct
would have alerted me to
anything is going on out there.
I think she my be right, sir.
How'd you know that?
Oh shit! Get out!
[*gunshots*]
Look, I got the big gun now.
Sorry...
I'll be over here.
Good job, Watson!
Yes sir.
Thank you sir.
I'll be over here, sir.
(Everything is alright now?)
We better git it ready.
There could be more coming.
Come on.
Wait wait wait.
What's that sound?
Cannibals.
It's the sound of the sacrificial drums.
Sacrifice... oh!
You don't think... George?
Could it be?
[*tribal song*]
What a minute...
That's not George.
Looks like that porno chap.
Yes, it does.
What's his name?
Evan Stone, sir.
Well...
That might look like Evan Stone,
but that's my George.
New and improved.
And all the right spots on ***.
How are we gonna save him?
Hmm...
Well, sir Jacks,
what's your great instincts tell you now?
We're gonna need a distraction.
What kind of distraction?
There's so many of them...
I think I have just the thing.
[*they quietly laughs*]
[*pssssst*]
Ah!
Rachel, what are you doing here?
I'm rescuing you.
Now come on, let's go.
Rescue... I don't need your rescue.
Not from someone like you.
These. These are my people and they,
they love me, unlike you.
Right...
Well,
your people,
are going to eat you.
Yeah, somebody is jealous.
No, you jackass.
Look around.
They're going to eat you.
They're cannibals.
Yeah... they're going to eat me... hehe.
Cannibals.
Ah!
Be quiet.
ladies oh come on what he's good enough
- Ladies!
- Ahhh!!!
Oh come on!
What? He's good enough
to eat and I'm not?
What a bloody hell with you?
I think we should get out
of here before they come back.
Yes, good idea.
Oh, George, have you heard?
I'm sir Jacks now.
Hey! Does anybody see Watson?
Okay, I think we should split up.
Watson and I will head to the
mainland and take out Jong-Il.
Rachel, George, you stay here
look for the underground bunker.
From the satellite images,
*** is beneath us.
Entrance has to be around here somewhere.
Now buddies, ***
To meet again.
- You are fantastic.
- Thanks.
What the hell did he mean by that?
What?
I mean: what the hell did he
mean by that?
"You are fantastic."
Don't start with me George.
I know what the cannibals do to people
before they eat them.
That's right.
I watch the Discovery Channel.
"I know what cannibal do before they eat."
Don't worry: I watch the Discovery Channel.
(George? Now!)
I don't get it.
Jacks said the hatch is here.
Can't find it.
Are you looking in the right place?
I don't think Jacks knows always
what Jacks is talking about.
Oh really?
And you do?
Let me get this straight:
You, who sank the President's yacht,
got us stranded on an island,
stranded on an island almost got
almost got yourself eaten by cannibals.
Wow.
Why would I think you know how to find it?
Oh my god, honey!
You found it!
- I found what?
- The hatch!
Oh yeah! I found the hatch.
You dipshit.
- Look!
- What? Ahhh!!!
Oh, the hatch!
Open it.
Yeah, all right.
Not like that!
Try the handle.
(A little help here?)
After you, sir.
Down there?
- Down there.
- Down there?
Down there.
- Down there...
- Down there.
What?
Watch it:
Just if we don't make it out,
I want to tell you I'm
sorry I said I hated you.
I don't hate you.
I'm sorry too,
I'm sorry about everything,
I'm sorry about... ruining our anniversary,
I'm sorry.
You didn't write that. And hey,
this is memorable, right?
Right.
I think I see something up ahead.
What are you doing?
I'm gonna call headquarters.
They have no idea where we are...
...or what's going on.
- What's wrong?
- It's weird...
...no response.
Oh shit, the CSV has call for distress,
localise-it!
What is all this stuff anyway?
Barbecue sauce.
That's kind of weird.
George get down!
The *** of a poison
has been mixed into the sauce.
All the bottles are packaged,
ready to be shipped.
(The Supreme Commander shall reward
you for your dedication to the cause.)
By this time tomorrow,
these bottles will be on their way
to every American grocery store.
[Laughter]
Not if I can help it!
Ah! I can *** it for you.
Go ahead.
Make my day.
Have you just disarmed me and
hit me the nose at the same time?
All right...
See what you got, how quick you are, uh.
Not bad at all.
Now I have to know ***
Now I've seen your Shaolin, ***
Join in.
Let's see how you do
with a flying grasshopper.
Alright Mr Master.
Let's see how well you do
with the broken back.
Son of a bitch.
Have a little sauce!
A box of sauce!
That, a big helmet!
That, a machine gun!
Crap!
George,
what are you doing?
I just killed the most deadly
midnight assassin ninja,
Shaolin master the world has ever known.
He's right over there.
You don't have to lie.
(I quit fucking around, let's go.)
[*George imitates Rachel speaking*]
Let's go!!
On the chopper!
Let's go!
Let's go men!
And women!
Excuse me, Mr President,
there's very important call
for you on line 1.
I told you I'm doing important
president's stuff and
I don't want to be disturbed.
Tell that dick to take a message.
Okay.
Will there be anything else?
Come in.
Yes?
What's the capital of Florida?
Uh-huh... It's Tallahassee, but...
...that's Texas, sir.
That's Texas?
Yeah, you know, your home state.
Yeah, yeah.
T...
E...
X...
- H...
- A.
"S", yes.
Thanks. Clean. Go.
Damn.
Got to figure out a way around ***,
*** bloody entire army.
I have an idea.
You do?
Hmm-hmm.
- What?
- Take out, sir.
Take out? Take out...
Good idea! I'm bloody stop... Take out?!
Ain't talking about take out!
I can't be thinking about our
stomachs in this kind of time.
Hello, do you speak english?
Oh shit, are you serious?
- Wow...
- Eeew...
Is this... blood? Blood!
No, idiot, it's barbecue sauce.
Eeeew...
(God! Damn it Wilma!)
It's the 3rd time this week
I've had to come looking for you.
And where did I find you?
Where did I find you?
On the other side of the island with
that gaddamn coconuts again!
I can't take it anymore.
Wait... Wilma... I'm sorry!
I'm sorry.
It won't happen again.
I'll take ou to the mall,
(I'll buy you those shoes
you've always wanted.)
We'll get a couples therapy.
(I'll do what he says.)
Was that?
I guess so.
A volley ball.
Or something like that.
- Lot of work shit on this island.
- Yeah.
Let's get out of here.
[*bicylcle ring*]
What is that?
It's take out, sir.
- Take out?
- The special!
Oh.
*** for... for Mister the Supreme Kim?
Oh...
Me?
Good job, man.
Come on!
Good job!
Psst. Where do you think is Kim, sir?
I don't know.
Just check every door.
Ouch... Jesus Christ!
God, honey, that's my face!
[*Aargh*]
Ouch!
Come on, come on.
Rachel! What are you doing?
- My first kill.
- You can't.
It'll cost too much commotion.
We got to rescue the Brits.
[*sighs of a woman*]
Loot at that.
Wow...
Now that was a sight, was it not?
Good god man! What are you doing?
Don't worry, sir. I know what to do.
Watson, no! Watson! Watson!
No!
No! Watson!
[*girls are screaming*]
Watson! Come on!
- *** this time, sir.
- No shit!
Shit!
Oh shit!
Aaaah!
Where are you idiot?
- Coming sir!
- Shit!
(Agent D, it's agent X.)
(Choppers are on route.)
(Meet is on the roof in half an hour.)
Copy, agent X.
Rooftop in half an hour.
That's over.
- Give me that.
- What?
- Let's go.
- Right.
- That's not ours.
- It's a souvenir!
Why not get souvenir?
Shhhh. Let's go.
(Sorry sir!)
- You hear that?
- This way.
You go ahead. I have an idea.
I won't betray my country!
Nothing. Nothing.
There are other ways.
Many ways. To make you talk.
No...
No...
No... Stop...
[Laughter]
Stop!
Stop! I'll tell everything!
Watson! Don't do it, man!
Get all yourself!
And after my parents divorced, I...
went to live in the English
countryside with my Nana.
She made the most ***
and a *** that I would have died for.
About auntie Gertrude,
she made some amazing ***
[*gunshots*]
George! Good George old chap!
Thanks for your help, George.
What's wrong with you, man? Huh?
Speak *** to the enemy like that?
What about your training, huh?
You're ***, you're ***
- Stop it, Stop it.
- Okay.
No wonder they didn't
make you a knight!
Get out of my sight.
Gonna have training *** with your fucking Nana.
Go. I never want to see your sorry
face around here again.
[*snorks*]
[*someone knocks the door*]
Enter.
Who are you?
Uh... the *** agency sent me.
Oh...
I bring you midnight snack.
Oh. That's excellent. I'm starving.
What this is? ***?
Just like a... ***.
[*coughs*]
That's right.
The taste, of your own medecine.
Yes! My first kill.
Rachel!
Well done my dear.
Thank you.
Now it looks like the
mission is complete.
He's dead.
Where's Watson?
Don't ask.
Who cares?
Well, it looks like the
mission is complete, then.
I guess I'll be off.
Come in Pegasus.
This is agent Jacks,
requesting transport.
Out.
***, agent D.
What was that about?
Some kind of lover's quarrel.
Right.
Well, let's get to the roof.
Agent X should be here in a minute.
[*Yay!*]
George!
Help please!
Well, well.
Help...
Sorry, it had to end this way, Rachel.
It's too bad, really.
Please, George...
Then just stay up, poor dumb secretary.
Please ***.
I'm a double agent.
No, I don't believe you.
Aaaaah! George, no!
Don't let go!
George!
Oh!
You are evil.
Rachel... Good bye.
Aaaaaah!
[*CRASH*]
[*Helicopters sounds*]
Come in, headquarters.
This is agent X.
Mission aborted.
I reapeat:
Mission aborted.
Over.
TO BE CONTINUED
Damnit!
Who's there?