Operation: Desert Stormy (2007) - full transcript

[♪ Tango music ]
[♪ Por una cabeza ]

Congratulations on becoming agent Rachel.

I knew you had it in you.

Unfortunate about your husband though.

Yes.

Well, I could not let my feelings
for George compromise the mission.

Oh... Sorry.

Sorry!

Sorry...

Nice tits.

Does your husband appreciate these?



No... Husband doesn't appreciate anything.

Bull!

Dead fool.

Ah, George never does that.

George couldn't even make coffee.

Oh God Agent X, That's what a real fucking
secret-agent dick feels like.

Yeah.

- You can't teach that on training.
- No.

I don't need that anymore.

George never makes me come.

George is a fool.

No evidence.

Mission complete.

- Ah!
(- Ah)



- Ah!
- Ah!

Jesus Christ.

George you scared the crap out of me.

Yeah? You should see it
from my point of view.

Dreamed about
that damn fish tank again?

Yeah. Something like that.

Thank you.

Oh I have my cereal.

Oh you think so?

Yeah. I do.

You feeling lucky?

Would you try to come take it?

Oh, I will.

You call yourself a secret agent,

no wonder
they won't give you a promotion.

Argh.

Holly bitch.

Hey honey, I was thinking
we could ride in together.

I take it as a "no".

Ladies first.

Age before beauty.

Brains before stupidity.

What I meant was you're the stupid one, ok?
(- Idiot)

(I'm the smart one.
EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT)

I meet you up--

Everybody knows that.

No.

Oh...

Oh no.

Oh yeah, you want some of this.

[composing phone number]

[phone rings]
I spank you like a red-headed stepchild.

Oh no you didn't!

Can't believe you stick my spot.

Oh, is this your spot?

You're dirty. You're dirty. Damn it.

(Hi Rachel)

Morning fellows.

(Good morning)

I made brownies!

Who wants some?

You don't have to do that.

I had to park 4 blocks away.

Well. Now you've had your cardio.

Those are the last of the brownies,
isn't it?

I didn't even get one.

Oh, honey...
You've to watch your girlish figure.

It's not fair Rachel.

You know I wanted a brownie.

George, life's not fair.

That's one hell of a woman.

One hell of a good cook.

Yeah, well you try being married
to her for 6 years.

Rachel: SEVEN!

I'm sorry the lack of sex
is making my memory blurry.

[beep]

Sorry you got to remove
all metal from your pockets.

[beep]

All metal.

[beep]

Looks like we're gonna be
a little more thorough.

Ah!

Sam, it's time
for a deep body cavity search.

Agent X: So there I was...

...surrounded by the enemy...

...deep in the jungles of Bolivia...

...unarmed and then suddenly I...

Agent Z?

Yes Sir.

You're late.

Yes Sir,
there was a malfunction at security.

I apologize Sir.

- Malfunction...?
- Yeah.

I'll tell you what though...

I've got a big mission for you.

What?

(Yes Sir)

Go down to the break room

and give me a cup of coffee.

[laughs]

You know how I like it.

As I was saying,
bullets buzzing over my head.

I had no weapon.

Suddenly, from the canopy above,
came the enemy: *zeeee*.

- Hi!
- Argh!

Oh... Hi Amy.

Ah, sorry,
I didn't mean to startle you.

No, it's okay,
it's a... I'm a little on edge.

Too much caffeine.

Well, I must compliment you
on your cat-like reflexes.

Oh...

Yeah, I was... uh...

Comes with being a secret agent.

I'll have to be a little bit
more careful around you.

I didn't know
you could be so... dangerous.

Yeah, that's... that's me:
dangerous you know.

You could... lose an eye.

[laughs]

Hmm... Speaking of danger,
I have something to show you.

Won't you come in?

How... cool!

(Wow)

[amazed laughs]

This is cool!

What does this do?

Oh, be careful with that,

I'm having a lot of problems with it.

[George's smelling]
It contains nerve gas, but it keeps leaking.

A mini supercomputer.

Complete. With wireless internet.

Digital camera.

MP3 player.

Cigarette lighter. Even an AM/FM radio.

Can I have it?

No.

What's this?

Hum...

That's...

That's... That's my vibrator.

So you're planning on doing
a little fly-fishing?

Oh that?

That is my pride and joy.

It's impenetrable.

Watch.

[gunshot]

Wow!

You're crazy.

Watch this.

[sound of arrow]

Okay, I get it.

This vest is specially designed.

to increase the adrenaline
and testosterone of its wearer.

Giving him more strength, endurance.

Even enabling him to run faster.

Well you think he could've made it
a little bit more fashionable.

I mean it looks like a fishing vest.

Do I look like
I know anything about fashion?

Oh..! No no no, you know...

No, the vest works. It's um...

You know it's just got lots of...
...convenient pockets.

It has an internal cooling system.

that regulates body temperature
and increases stamina.

Imagine what that could do
for you under fire.

Just think what it could do
for me in the bedroom.

I already have.

George: [um-um]

This is my latest invention:

Training goggles.

It can create virtually
any situation imaginable.

Really?

From flying to combat. Try.

(Okay)

Wow.

That's cool. You do anything?

Anything.

- Anything?
- Anything.

You want to ***.

You don't know how long it's been.

Oh god you're naughty.

Oh yes George take it.

You know you've always wanted
that tight little fucking ass of mine.

Alright in that tight fucking ass?

Okay, that was a little weird.

You don't know how long
I've waited for that.

You tricked me!?

You lured me down here
to take advantage of me.

You... you gadget siren.

Oh... So...?

Oh come on you know I like you.

I'm married, I feel so violated.

It wasn't real.

Felt real!

Don't! Don't touch me!

Predator.

[Rachel's smelling]

- Where have you been?
- Huh? What?

You've been gone over an hour.

X was looking for you.

He was?

Yeah. He needed his coffee.

Oh, yeah, right.

So?

- So what?
Rachel: So where were you?

I was taking care of business
in the lab.

Business, huh?

And was this "business"
wearing a white lab coat.

and reeking
a fake designer perfume?

What are you talking about?

Don't play stupid with me, George.

That little trollop, Amy.

What about her?

George I'm serious.

I know that you know that she knows
that we're... having marital issues.

She's like a vulture waiting
on the wings.

You're a crazy Lady.

Haha. I'm crazy?

I'M CRAZY?

I'm not the one was provoked
by a glass of milk this morning

I'm not the one that hassled
the security guards,

and we won't even discuss your bouts
of mourning road rage

WHAT??

I did not harass those security guards

you set me up, and for your information

they proceeded
to get very intimate with me

I guess I should be grateful

because it's the closest thing I'm
head to sex in months

There you go again,
always with the sex

We know what George?
Maybe if you learn a little technique

instead of humping me
like a drunken Chihuahua

I would be a little more
willing to participate

- Really?
- Yeah!

Really?

Is there a problem here?

Together: NO SIR

Good

Rachel, I would like to see you alone,
please

Absolutely

- Z?
- Yes?

- Where's my coffee?
- Coming up, Sir

"Where's my coffee?"

Rachel, have a seat

I am sitting, Sir

Right

Rachel... I need you.

Excuse me?

Your help.

Oh

You're the only one
that I can trust.

I have to go on a secret mission

No one here even knows about it

I can't help it, but I have a
feeling it may be my last

Really, Sir?

I don't think there's any coming back
from this one, kid

Sir...

Don't cry

It's the terrorists

The Middle Eastern ones

You know... those guys...

mm-hmm

They've developed
a plan to destroy the world

and I have to go and steal the magic
ingredients to the weapon

(Ah... weapons)

- Rachel?
- Yes, Sir?

X:
I need you to help me save the world

Rachel: Huh... The whole world?

Can you do that? Can you be a hero?

Yes, Sir

Good

Here's what I need for you to do

Take this cellphone,
guard it with your life

I'm going to be meeting my contacts

and they are very dangerous men

and they are going to want to know
that I am who I say I am

Do you understand?

Not really, Sir

Gonna take me into custody

They're gonna dial that phone
for a code

If you don't give him that code,
or you don't answer that phone

I'll be killed

Now you understand?

Rachel: Huh... I think so, Sir

X: Protect that with your life

From now on, you shall be known
as agent...

..."D"

Rachel: "D"?

Any questions?

What's the code word?

Code word?

Right

Huh...

Hmm... "Peppermint"

"Peppermint"?

X: "Peppermint"

Now go.

I've to prepare
for this kind of mission

But Sir...

[X: tears in voice] Please. Go.

Hmm?

Uh! George!

What... What are you doing?

Here you go, Sir

You know I like two sugars

You're dismissed

[George is laughing slowly]

What's so funny?

You don't actually believe that
secret mission crap, do you?

Rachel: hmm

Oh my god, you do!

That's the oldest trick
in the book

He just wants to fuck you

You're jealous

Jealous that I got a mission

You are a secretary

No one's gonna give you a mission

I am an administrative assistant

but I guess you know a thing or two

about not getting missions now,
wouldn't you?

Well, except fetching coffee

Now why would you have to go there,
okay?

I was just trying to warn you,
he's trying to get in your pants.

All he'd to do is ask.

What did you say?

I said don't be such an ass

[sigh]

What is it with you
and that fish tank anyway?

This is going to be
the perfect underwater ecosystem

And I will be its God

You are not right

Yeah

Well at least I'm not waiting by
a phone that's never going to ring

It will ring

Why don't you have a little faith that
he'll accomplish the mission?

You just don't get it

He's not on a secret mission

Nobody knows anything
about a secret mission

That's because it's secret, duh!

Honey, you know nothing of protocol

You really think he would tell a secretary
about a secret mission?

I am an administrative assistant!

Let me see if I get this straight:

The story is there's a group of terrorists

and they've built a bomb

and they've threatened to
blow up the planet Earth

But alas this will be
his last call of duty

And his fate rests squarely
in palms of your hands

You're the only one he can trust

His last hope

Bla bla bla bla bla bla

Rachel: Huh
George: Yeah

Listen, that's a story
he gave his last secretary

Rachel, listen, don't get mad

[tazzer sound]
George: Aargh!

[Breathes]

That was totally unnecessary

You just... pist because
you're fighting for Agent X.

in a faraway tropical island.

...getting his dick sucked by a native girl.

Do not make me
tazz you twice in the same night

Okay

[tazzer sound]

I am an administrative assistant!

[tazzer sound]
[George cries]

She's crazy

Jesus, who are you, for God sake

I think I just found heaven.

What do you think of this little swine?
Isn't it cute?

Beautiful

It's not to say
say what we "swine"

it's just things with asses
you know it's so much fun to say.

Isn't it terrific?

You like this little swine here?

Do you like more swine?

This is like the other other pink meat,
but how about some white meat?

Excuse me

No no, seriously
let's just take a bite together

Let me-- Let me lick your hole.

Nah, seriously. Oh come on...

Another one for "special agent man"

Thank you

So how do you say your name?

"Lei Mi" (lay me)

[smiling]
Well, if you insist...

Yeah... like I haven't heard that one bi--

Wait a minute, you're not gay?

No

So, you didn't know that this is a gay,
lesbian, bisexual, transgender luau?

Ah... No.

I didn't.

Um.

About that name.

You know the offer still stands

But you might want to hurry because my country
could call me into service at any moment

As a matter of fact...

I'm expecting a call from the
President of the United States

[phone rings]
Oh... There he is

Hold that.

[phone rings]

Yes, Mr President.

Yes Sir, it's me Sir.

That's top-secret

Of course, Sir

You know you can count on me

Yes Sir. Goodbye Sir

So uh... to some... yeah... everything ok?

Yeah

I'll ship out in an hour

Wow... Then I guess...
Guess we... Better hurry

Call me Mr Secret Agent

Yeah Mr Secret Agent man,
*** that cock in my pussy

Well uh...

... I guess I should be going

Yeah, that thing...

- Yeah the... President...
- Yeah

Jesus Christ...

You bitch!

Oh my god

Are you okay?

Are you okay?

[2001, Space Odyssey's theme]

[phone rings]

Don't you even think about it!

Oh shit!

Oh shit! Idiot!

Me?

You want to tackle me!

You should've gone in my phone
in the first place.

It was my secret mission

But now you've upset
my pristine ecosystem

Would you shut up
about your ecosystem?

Just get it out.

Here

...that does not work anymore.

Thank you captain Obvious

Oh.

Oh! Oh my god.

Do you think he's dead?

No

[Indistinct chatting]

Good morning everyone,

I am agent J
from the Washington field office

I'm afraid I have some terrible news

One of ours is missing.
Agent X has disappeared

All we know is
he left for an unknown destination

(and has not been heard of since Friday afternoon)
[Rachel's speaking to George]

All communication attempts have failed

and we are forced to use all
of our resources at hand
[Rachel starts crying]

(The search and rescue...)

She's really upset, sorry

You shut your hole.

- We can't leave him--
- Rachel, listen!

Okay!

Rachel, you need to get yourself together

Did you hear them?

- Shhh!
- Terrorist!

What if they bomb the United States?

What if they find out I'm responsible?

- I DON'T WANT TO BA A TRAITOR!
- Rachel! Rachel!

- Get yourself together
- Ouch

Ouch!

Rachel, listen!

Did anybody else hear your
conversation that you had with X?

- No
- Okay, good

Now we're gonna march back in there

and we're gonna act as
if we know nothing, okay?

I don't want to go back...

Hey hey hey, you want to be
brought up in treason charges?

No? Have you ever been to prison?

Okay

Now we're gonna go back in there

we're gonna act as if we know nothing
until I come up with a plan

You got that?

Shake your head yes that you got it.
Good. Now let's go.

Rachel!

This way!

Rachel.

[Indistinct chatting]
(Get yourself together...)

No no no

Yes, this is where the best
place to catch crab is.

[Indistinct chatting]

Yeah, give that
[Rachel coughs]

...toast.

You need to get yourself together.
Do you understand me?

Sit down. Sit

- Act normal, keep it together, yes.
- You understand?

Keep it together.

- Rachel isn't it?
- Maybe

May I have a word with you in private

Hey you!

Bring me a cup of coffee

(Help... help... help...)

So... I understand
that you're agent X's secretary

Administrative a...ssistant

Right

Well since
you worked so closely with him,

(I'm just a little curious
who've you overheard)

(anything strange the last few days)

(Maybe notice
anything out of the ordinary)

(He didn't discuss
anything with you?)

(Mentioned taking a trip?)

(Think hard)

Well, British intelligence have informed
us of a possible terrorist threat

This is not what we need right now
with our biggest agent missing

We're still waiting for more information
to come in from the Brits

I'm gonna go check on some possible
leads on agent X

In the meantime I want you
to sit next to the fax

and call me the instant
something comes in.

I'm depending on you

Yes Sir

I mean Ma'am

Yes... Ma'am

Not again

[sound of door]

- Hey
- Hey

What are you doing still here?

You didn't actually think I was
gonna leave you now, did you?

We have our problems and everything

But in 6 years marriage,
I ever let you down

Seven... We've been married 7 years.

Seven years, four months, two days

Come here

Right here? Wait.
We can't do this, out here.

Come on, in here

You know
you don't have to wait with me

I know, but everybody's gone home
for the day

I figured... keep you some company

Um

That feels good

You like that?

What are you doing?

What? I thought we could fool around.

At a time like this?
You're an insensitive prick.

What's wrong with you?

Great. Now I'm a prick

Well you know what?

You are a frigid bitch

Fuck you!

No. Fuck you!

[Fax's noise]

You can't really be serious about this

Oh I'm serious

George, wait, shouldn't we
call someone, you know, for backup?

You saw the report, there's no time.

The terrorists are gonna bomb
the US in a couple of days

The British agents are already in route

Exactly why we should call for backup

Why? so they could pass the
assignment under somebody else?

So I can get overlooked. Again.

Rachel, I'm fucking tired of
getting coffee and dry-cleaning

So this is about you?

No!

(Well... maybe)

You selfish jerk

I don't think risking my life
for my government is selfish

It's patriotic

Besides,

if you hadn't killed our top operative
I wouldn't be forced to do this

Fine. Well I'm going with you

No. No, no. You're not

You said it yourself:
I'm responsible so I'm going

No way

If you won't let me go, I'm telling.

Fine

Yes! My first mission as an agent

You're not an agent.
You're a secretary

I am an administrative assistant

Did you hear that? Terrorist

I got to call Washington.

You're not calling anyone my dear

[guy's screaming]

[phone dialing]

It's me. We've got a problem

[beep]

- Oh like it's gonna work for you
- Tsss

You don't even know a code.

Um

How did you do that?

Honey, you forget:

in addition
to being able to type 87 words a minute

I can hack into anything

Impressed

As you should be

"As you should be"

Wow

Grab the bag

Oh yeah, you're mine now

George, I really don't think there's
gonna be time for fishing

This isn't a fishing vest

This is a high-tech fight
enhancing super vest

Right. You know you don't have
to make shit up, George

Follow me

[George's laughing]

That's what I'm talking about

Is that
one of those penis extension things?

What?

Feeling a little "inferior"?
Are you, George?

I'm surprised
you even remember that I have a penis

- Ouch
- Don't touch

- Maybe a knife
(- Hey!)

- No, I definitely want that one.
- Hey hey

Back away from the weaponry

- I want gun
- No

- George, I want a gun!
- No

How the hell
do you expect me to defend myself?

Satisfied?

You've got to be kidding me

Listen: go to the house pack a few things.
Essentials only

I'm gonna go try and secure it right
in here for something... inconspicuous.

Try not to shoot yourself

What is all this?

Essentials.

Okay.
Do you understand we're going undercover?

Yeah

That's why I need so many disguises. Duh!

Okay. You know, fine. Have it your way

I don't care
if I am not carrying this luggage

Not one single piece

Wait!

This is our inconspicuous ride?

No one's ever gonna guess
where we're going

Rachel, just get in the van.

Fine. Get the bags

- I ain't getting the bags!
- George, bags!

- Not getting the bags.
- George get the fucking bags.

The Falcon has left the nest

Who is it?

The fox is in the henhouse

What?

The 2 idiots are on their way to you!

Ah, what the ***
for the god's sake.

Okay okay,
here we go: capital of Finland

Helsinki

No no no.
How many times do I have to tell you:

Form it as a question

What is Helsinki?

Yes!

Efendi, please excuse the interruption,

but the British are coming

I know this one:
Who is Paul Revere (?)

No, no, Sir

The British are coming now

Here, English agents, they're on to us

Why are you tell me this?

Uh... Okay...

Scout the area, find out where the
infidels keep their camp

and destroy them

Yes, Effendi

(Sighs) Well, if my plan to take over
the world doesn't work

I always have plan B

"Plan B", Sir?

Hum! Right.
Why do you think I see your tushy?

Want to know how much I like that?

Honey, Look at this:

Survey says I like it

That's it, fuck my asshole

This is why I'm gonna be a bigger star

Yeah, okay

- I love you considerate that--
- Keep on saying that to yourself.

You like it?

-Yeah
[Actress] This is good camera angle?

Last time I check.

It's really hot out here

You should put some sunscreen on, baby

(Okay)

- Agents?
- Argh!

Shhhh!

I am Ahmed Abdul Al-ahjeer
Durka-durka Martinez Junior

But you can call me Bob

I'm your contact!

I'm gonna take you to your base camp

But we gonna hurry up before we're seen

I work with you guys as an Agent expert,
for the states all the time.

Honey, hold still.

I've located the British agents

Send 3 men to cut them off at the path

Take no prisoners

Meet me back at the palace

[goat and camel noises]

What a shithole

Yes Watson, I don't see our
bloody contact anywhere

We're gonna have to move fast

Hostiles are everywhere

We need some transport Watson.
Get us a ride

Should I contact HQ sir?

- Nonsense we move in as planned
- Ah!

Now just get us a ride, would you?

What? What the bloody?

What the bloody has he gone?

Watson? What the bloody are
you doing over there?

Hello there, do you speak english?

- Okay
- Alrighty then, um...

- I will take the...
[waiter is spitting]

...brand a double mocha with extra cream

And do you have any muffins?

[waiter's speaking arabic]

Hmm... Guess not.
Do you take credit cards?

- Watson?
- Yes Sir

What nerves(?) are you doing?

Having a coffee Sir, it's a sandbox.

Sandbox?

[waiter's speaking arabic]

- Uh, Good Lord
[goat's bleating]

Watson, it's a goat!

It's an indigenous species, Sir

- Watson!
- Yes Sir

Where's the ride?

- Sir?
- Yes?

If you look very close,
I don't think there's any taxis

Watson, just get us our bloody ride,
would you?

- Can I take my coffee, Sir?
- No! Quick.

Got any donuts?

[speaks arabic]

No! I said donuts. Oh, shit.

Rachel: Why we stop?
- Wait guys...

My instincts...

...they tell me there's danger

Your instincts, huh?

I don't see anything

I think your instincts are wrong

[gunshots]

Oh!

I'll kill them

Definitely, my favorite dress in there.

Aargh... Virgins here I come

Sweetie...!

Oh my God, that's awesome.

I didn't know that

Run!

Oh that's just dirty.

Can we go now?

Yeah

Honey? A little help, come on

Uh...

Here's your bag, sweetie.

[a dog's whining]

[Traditional arabic music]

Haha, this had better be good

Efendi, I have located
the agent south of the palace

but these are different from the rest

They want us to know they are here

It's like they are taunting us

and I think they have
the American agent with them

Only he would be so bold

I think his name is X

Hold on a second

[Hussein coughs]

Agent X is here and you're sure?

He took out some of our best men

It's got to be him

But we've captured a prisoner

(Find Abdul,)

tell him to double the guard
watch and get out there

I want to know everything
they're doing

They take a shit
I want to know about it

Okay, they take a crap I don't
need to know about that

But anything else I'm gonna know about it,
you understand?

And you interrogate the prisonner, okay?

- Yes Effendi
- Go

This room is very beautiful

It must certainly is,
but not as beautiful as you

Your beauty is as expansive as the desert

You are like an oasis

Oh...

Look at me

Do not fear my power

What?

Oh!

My maid must have left this. Nevermind

Look into my eyes.
I want your passion

You're so powerful

- The treasures ***
- Abdul!

Abdul!

I've been looking all over
the palace for you.

What are you doing in my room?

(This is not your room?)

And what is Teddy doing on the floor?

Let... Let me explain...

Explain what?

That you have one of Hussein's
concubines in my bed?

If he finds out
he'll cut off both our balls

I will not tell

You know what? Begone with yourself

Be out of here before someone sees you

Yes... A thousand pardons... [arabic]

I should kick your ass, but I have no time

Hussein needs us. Dress quickly

Huh.

Wait a minute.

Some of my cases are missing

And where's Muffy?
Has anybody seen Muffy?

What's a "muffy"?

Muffy's my baby!
We have to go find Muffy

She could be in the desert all by herself

Rachel, get a hold of yourself.
We CANNOT go back

Alright? There's no way she'd survive
the heat of the desert

She's the casualty of war

My baby...

Hey look is this your shoe bag?

These are the new summer collection

See.

See how easily she forgot about Muffy

You know that could be me out there

I though she you'd knew the difference...
but married 6 years.

Seven!

Seven years

Seven looooong years

[camel grunting]

Ooh

Watson, this is not what I had in mind

You've been
on that damn thing all night, sir.

surely it's my turn to ride

Soon Watson, soon.
Remember those hostiles everywhere

I must keep a lookout

Oh

- What is it?
- I see something in the distance

Where?

Look alike southeast of our position

Pass me my lens

What do you see?
What is it?

I don't quite know Watson.
I can't make it out

Good God

I think the hit
he's gotten to me man

[aaargh (George's making a big effort)]

Stop trying to force it, George.

It's really tight

Try sliding it in gently

[George's forcing]

Gently

Hold on

Okay

[camel's grunting]

[camel's grunting]

Stop! Identify yourself

Agent Jackson Watson,
British Intelligence

Now where the hell were you today?

You could have cost us the mission, man

What?
I made my pickup I don't understand

What?

The agents are...

Yoohoo!

Who the hell are you?

(- You???)
(- What?)

Wooo... I like your camel!

Are you guys on a mission too?

Identify yourself, what's your agency?

Field agent Z, had a command a CIA

You liar

I'm sorry this is my husband Geroge

He watches the mission files
in our building

And I am the director's administrative
assistant, Rachel

You guys must be the British
fellows who sent me the fax

Pleased to meet you folks

Good God what are you both doing here?

This is a Code Red top-secret mission

Not a sightseeing tour

Okay, we'll take it from here

You two, back in the camp while
we'll do recon of the area,

and 0500 hours okay(?)

Yes. Stay close to your tents

Oh, don't get in our way

- Hey, I think we can be of service
- Yeah

Yes I think you might

Be a good man and go make me
a nice cup of tea.

I'm rather parched.

Honey, your reputation precedes you

Shut up Rachel

So not really gonna stay in our tent
to let them have all the fun, are we?

Yeah.

Those limey bastards... Who they think they are?
Secret agents or something?

Uuuuh... They are

Oh... yeah... right

Oh...

I have an idea

You know what we should do?

We should get that nerve gas
that you had

and put it in their tent and then,
after they're asleep,

We can go to the palace and steal
the map to the warehouse

That's a great idea

Why do I have to go
gas him in the tent?

I thought you were the leader

and if I was a leader that's
what I would do

Yes, of course

I knew that

I was just testing you, and you did well

I want to go prepare the equipment

Who do you work for?

Tell me who sent you

Where is the camp?

Your silence only angers me

Oh!

Look at the will(?)

Dog. Little dog

Hum. Leave the prisoner with me

Thank you

- Pfff
- Dismissed

We'll get the will(?) puppy wuppy

You're so sweet
I think I'll name you Jihad

Wanna dance?

So that's the way, uh-ha uh-ha,
I like it

[snorking]

[*noise of camera taking a photo*]

Which tent do you think they're in?

I think it's that one

- That one?
- Yeah

With the Union Jack?

- Yeah I think so
- That's a good guess

- Yeah
- Yeah, okay.

[*gas is leaking*]

Guys, remember:

The only way inside the palace office,

without setting off the alarm,

is going to be through the roof

Once you're inside,

the map is going to be
inside the desk

- Got it?
- Okay

Got it

[body felt on the floor]

Honey?

How did you get in here?

Front door. It's unlocked

Okay

- I'm gonna find the office
- Okay

It's this way

Okay

Rachel, wait

You set off the alarm.

That was amazing

Did you forget
how flexible my body is?

Well considering the fact that
you never let me see it anymore

I've forgotten quite a few
things about your body

Not now, George. Really

It's locked

- George?
- Uh?

I found it

- Lets get out of there
- Okay

[*crash*]

[*alarm*]

Come on Rachel

- Go, go
- There's a problem George

[*gunshots*]

Oh...

Watson, the full of my head's been
bashed in

I think it was this, sir

Those damned Americans

They're gonna get us killed, Watson

They think they're Cowboys or something

Too much television I'd say

What the hell was you thinking?

You're gonna get us all killed

This isn't a game

You do anything like that again,

and I will...

You'll what?

I'll be forced to kill you

[Rachel's laughing]
I would like to see you try

[tazzer]

Ha ha ha

That's smart, doesn't it?

Oh you gotta watch her with that,
she's like a ninja

Anything you'd like to add?

We got the map

You what? Well done!

So we're team now, right?

♪ You want our help ♪
♪ You want our help ♪

Good! Say it!
Say it!

Yes, yes, we need your help

Oh, and I also got you this

On here you'll find all the
reconnaissance photos

to get you safely into the palace

Excellent work my dear

What the hell happened to you, man?

Oh well I had to take out a couple
of guards too

In fact I killed them with my bare hands

I got rid of the bodies,
I dragged them far away

They'll never be found so, you know,
you don't have to worry

Won't come back on you

Yes. Quite the hero he was

Oh. Good job, man.
I was wrong about you

I thought you were just a pen pusher

Well... We got lots of training to do

We've to go over the intel reports
that Rachel gather.

Argh... Watson?

Yes?

That's one tough burd(?), Watson.

I should say

[♪ camera shutter]

Nice

You're okay, sir?

No. I'm not okay

Get a cup of tea?

Two sugars

Yeah, ok, I go get some, sir

Let's go! Ladies,
let's look alive here.

Let's go, move it, push it up,

yeah, that's right Jackson

Move it, up and down, up and down

Watson, good job!

Go, go, go

I'm okay!

I'm okay!

[*crash*]

Okay, now listen up

Me and Watson will take out
the palace guards here

and here

Moving forward to the throne room
and take out Husein

Rachel, George,

take Bob's Jeep,

go to the warehouse

Go to the warehouse
and disarm the weapon,

by removing the uranium warhead

Now don't mess this up

Is everyone clear?

Yes, sir

Good

Watson, what are you doing?

Something to remember our trip together

Good God, man.

This is not a bloody lads holidays,
this is a mission

Now move out

Not that cheap, it's almost paid off(?)

- Nicely done(?), sir.
- Thank You Watson.

Listen Watson,

We have the element of surprise on our side.
Any idea?

we can't going guns blazing.

So you have your silencer?
And knife

Then you go on fire, and kill anyone
you come across

Anyone?

Yes. Anyone, man,
if you want to get out alive.

- Is that clear?
- Crystal

Follow me

[*Indistinct girls voices
in the background*]

- You hear that?

Oh my God...

I've died and gone to heaven

Don't worry, I'll take out this

What are you doing, man?

You forgot your training?

Hostiles, sir

Kill anyone I see

It's them or me, that's what you said

Goodness me, have you forgot what
is to be a British agent?

To protect our fine country, sir

Oh my God, no no no,
to be licensed to kill,

and licensed to fuck the finest
women the world has to offer

Ah...
So this is not the time to kill

No

No no no,

this is time to "party"

- Yes
- No no no, don't, no

What are you doing in these chambers,
it is forbidden

- You can scream and I'll just know it
- Oh...

Don't worry

We would not alert the guards to
the presence of our rescuers

Rescuers?

You're here to rescue us, aren't you?

Of course we are! Yes,

Yes, we're here to rescue.
We're just glad you're all in one piece

We have not seen men like you before

We only see one man

Oh... That's nice... I guess

Nice? Have you seen him?

Holy Jesus!

Uh... Nasty

You see?

Well, yes, I do

Well, we must be awful.
We're gonna clear the palace

to rescue you of course

Wait!

You must do one thing for us
before you leave

You must pleasure us before
you leave this place

What? All of you?

My God. I did die and go to heaven

God damn it

Hostiles on the road

What could I do?

You know, I have an idea

I want to use the big gun

Rachel, this is not a big gun,
this is a rocket launcher

Whatever it is, I want to use it

- It's my turn
- No, no

- Yes
- Rachel, no

Yes

No

If you don't let me use it, you never
gonna see my naked body again

Oh, and that's any different
from now how?

Aw, just thinking you know,

it's really hot out here

Look at me... you...
how cute you look in those

desert camel outfit

- Good
- Yeah

You know,

how much I wanna touch your big,

hard, rocket?

[*sigh*]

[*bang*]

See George,
that's the problem with you:

Alyways premature

Rachel, shut up, come on.
Let's get out of here

30,000 FEET ABOVE THE EARTH,
EVIL SWOOPS IN

On the way

Target acquired.

Go, go, go

I think you should try
to make it to the door

Maybe it's unlocked

Come on hop with me

Ready?

What are you doing?

I think we should go by the window

and yell for help, okay?

George, that's a stupid idea

Come on this way

No

- This way
- No, this way

- This way
- This way

[Together:] - THIS WAY

No!

Ah!

Oh, fuck

(Ouch)

Idiot...

I can't believe you blew up Bob's Jeep.

Me?

ME?

I can't fucking believe I brought
you on this mission

After six years of marriage,

you think I've learned my lesson,

but no.

My dumb ass brings your dumb ass
halfway around the world

so you can make me look
like a bigger dumbass

Unbelievable!

Wow,

Little pent-up, aren't you?

- You think.
- *ouch*

Can a man just get a little head,

just a little,

just a little sucky sucky,
a blow job here and there?

Have you lost your mind?

Are you crazy?

We're in this mess because
you blew up the Jeep

[George coughs]

This- was- your- fault

My fault?

How the fuck is this my fault?

"Oh you're so sexy in the uniform".
Blah blah blah

If you weren't busy molesting
a rocket launcher,

I wouldn't have accidentally set it off

Are you kidding me?

Rachel,

Do you've any idea how hard it is to be
married to a beautiful woman like you,

and having guys constantly
vying for your attention,

trying to impress you?

I know you want to be with
a successful man,

like... like Agent X,

and on top of that,

you know every day I still want you,

just as bad and just as passionately,

as the first day I laid eyes on you

And you don't seem...

...to want me... to...

to want me at all

That's not true, George

You're just...

You're obsessed with your job and...

[*sigh*]

getting a mission...

...it's...

...it's like I'm not
important to you anymore

Don't you get it?

It's because you're important to me

that I want a mission,

that I want to keep my head buried
in the work

I want you to be proud of me,
I want you to...

I want you to be proud

walking around with me

Baby,

I am proud of you

You mean it?

Yes, of course

I love you

I love you too

How very touching

Agent M?

Don't look so shocked

And it's Miranda

(- But why?)

Uh, money. Why else?

Come.

I've brought the coordinates
to the White House,

I'll deal with these lovebirds later

Always thought she was kind of a bitch

Yeah

She'd big monstrous feet too

I hope the Brits
are having better luck than us

Hum hum. Sir?

What is it Watson?

We're gonna need a damn good
plan to get past his own guards

Yes Watson. I'm on it

I have an idea

Are you fidgeting?

Trust me

I know that sound

What is that?

It's my nail file

Oh...

Shit!

- Are you okay?
- Yeah

Did you mean what you said?

Of course I did

We still gonna stop them now

I know

All right, I'm going to disarm the bomb,

you create a diversion

Okay

Okay?

Rachel?

Did I thank you?

No

I will

I could go this way, disarm the bomb,

you go that way

Okay?

Oh shit

Hi

Just...

...looking for the...

...ladies room

I tell you Gamush:

donkey fucking will become a sport

Babali, it will never become a sport

Who, in the right mind,

would pay good money
to see such a thing,

when you know that horses are
so much more entertaining?

Horses aren't entertaining

[*door opens*]

[*chains and arabic jewelry sounds*]

This's never gonna work

Have some faith, man

Some faith?

How I became an agent
and run around in lady's underpants.

Shhh!

What do we have here?

I have two new concubines for His Highness

Ah... Very very nice

I'm thinking I like this one

Uh

Strong like horse

How dare you touch Hussein's property?

He would cut your hand off
for showing such disrespect

Now step aside and let us through.

Thousand pardons, thousand pardons.

What were you thinking?

What we're...

Oh oh, that was for me?

For you? What are you talking about?

You look like every other guard here

I'm a very handsome man

I have a nice physique

Hmm, maybe you are right. Okay.

(I thank you Sir.)

- Let's go back to our post
- Okay

Who's my little Jihad?

Who is my little Jihad?

Come on

A kiss to Papa

Come on, don't be shy

There you go

Oh, would you talk cutie thing(?)

Hello, what's this?

I have brought two new wives for you

Ah... Two wives for me

Jade you shouldn't have

Is this in honor
of my birthday next week?

[*gunshots*]

Go

Wait for me

What took you so long?

Gather the girls
and meet me out front.

Okay

Now Watson.

Where did he go?
Come

Let's see...

Ah... It is nice

[*Jafar laughs*]

Silly American fashion

[*noise of a public cheering up*]

[*Jafar laughs*]

[*Music from the 50's*]

[*Circus theme*]

[*Psycho's theme*]

I am mistress Stern

Well, hello to you sexy lady

Come to Jafar

Come on

[*strike of a whip*]
Move that out of my way

So...

You've been a bad boy, huh?

- You do not scare me
- Really?

- I am Jafar
- Really

[*sound of whip*]

How about now?

Oh... maybe a little

- Little?
- Little

Oh... Are you gonna do
what I tell you to do?

Yes

I hope so, or I have to punish you

Let's see what we got here

Sounds like fun for me

Come here

Put your face in there

- You will fuck me good?
- Yes

I hope so

*** will be

But don't you start
by eating my pussy, huh?

Show me what you can do

That's right, take Jaffar
come on.

[Music]

(You like that)

Come on take Jafar, that's right

Oh you like that, you like that

HOW TO DISASSEMBLE A NUCLEAR BOMB

[*Salsa music*]

[*Salsa music*]

What's going on in there?

You asked for distraction

I'd say they're pretty
fucking distracted

Yeah, I'll give you that

So, I found the bomb. I defused it

And I found a room full of Jeeps,
so we get that hell out of here

Let's go

What?

I left the bag here, I know I did.

George...

Perhaps you're looking for this?

Oh no...

Rachel, get down!

[*ouch*]

[*Jafar laughs*]

All right [*indistinct speech*]

(George!)

Rachel, give me that… the vest, please.

My mother kicks harder than that

Oh does she? How about...

...down here,
let's see what we have over here.

Hello, missy.

George!

I'm sorry, but I don't think it's such
a good time for fishing my friend

You're not my friend

Oh my God

I told you these vests were cool.

Are you okay?

I'm okay. You okay?

Yeah, I'm okay

God...

Ouch

You wouldn't shoot an unarmed
woman, won't you?

I would never do that

I only use my bare hands

so I can feel it

You bitch

[*tazer*]

[*electricity*]

George

It was the sexiest thing
I've ever seen

and scariest too

You okay?

- Yeah. You okay?
- Yeah

I can't wait

Yeah, me too

- I've time now.
- Me too.

Oh...

[*alarm*]

Oh no...

FIVE

FOUR

THREE

TWO

ONE

ZERO

IGNITION

- Oh!
- You idiot!

Oh now I'm an idiot

Miss I gotta have you now

Wait, I thought you just disarmed
that thing

I did. I took the plutonium out

It will still launch, it just won't
detonate on impact

Well it's big enough to do some
serious fucking damage

and it's aimed right
to the White House

God damn it

Oh God

I know

You can't call it back now,
it's too late

No but I can change the coordinates

[*drifting skid sound*]

Please tell me that's gonna land
in the middle of the ocean

Nope.

Better

What's going on?

[*explosion*]

***

This way

I said "more head", not "warhead"

Oh boy... Come on Jihad

Come on!

Freeze

Where am I gonna go?

Cuff him.

But he isn't going anyway, sir

Thank you Watson

End of the road for you Hussein

That's alright I got it in here, boys

Time to be left professionals

This guy is mine

This guy belongs to a mutt?

The bounty hunter

Who the hell are you?

I told you:
I'm Mutt, the bounty hunter

Hell no

[*gunshots*]

Oh

[*Tango music*]

[*applause*]

Beautifully done darling.

What's wrong?

You step on my foot

- Oh
- Ouch

Congratulations on becoming
an agent, Rachel

I always knew you had it in you

Sir, we thought you were dead

Oh, non sense

Oh, it was very scary. Really

Then, without warning,

a coconut hits him
in the head out of nowhere

He was unconscious for four days,

and when he came to,

he couldn't remember a thing

Aww...

I was so worried for him

A coconut, sir?

- Cheers
- Cheers

Oh and congratulations, agent Z

Thank you

Agent A...

Hey, no hard feelings

Okay

Let's get this party started!

[*yeah*]

Cheers!

You ready get out of here?

I thought you never asked

[*door closes*]

God!

Sweetie!

Not again!

[*Salsa music*]

Baby...

I love you

I love you

[*phone's ringing*]