Onionhead (1958) - full transcript

Onionhead

Onionhead

Onionhead

Oh, now, Al,
please stop.

- Oh, Al.
- It's okay, Jo baby.

Alright, if that's
how you want it.

Oh, it isn't really.

It's just..

Oh, heck.

Anyway, I want you to know,
I am genuinely fond of you.

- Oh, Al.
- This is the story of my life.



Only thing, the next ten years
I'm going to hate myself

for being such a nice guy.

We better get to the party.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Good evening.

Excuse me.

Attention, everybody.
Your attention, please.

I'd like to propose a toast..

...to the boys who are
with us tonight..

...who are entering
the service of our country.

Kappa Lambda's loss
will be the nation's gain.

Oh, uh, I can't drink to myself.

To you.



And to you, gorgeous.

Well, and me.

Two more, son.

Uh, well, not quite
so much, huh?

This is my last night
as a civilian.

I'm gonna make it a big one.

Here, now. This one's for you.
Well, now, drink up.

Help yourselves.

I brought you some fresh punch.

I haven't finished
the one I have.

We're doing just fine,
the way we are.

- This one's better for you, Jo.
- What's got into you, Al?

Just leave us alone,
okay, friend?

Sure thing...pal.

- Al!
- Look-look what you did.

- What happened?
- It's just a little accident.

It was no accident.

Don't just stand there,
Woods. Get a cloth.

He can get it himself.

What's the matter with him?

This time you've gone too far.
You're fired!

Suits me. For once, I'll get
to use the front door.

Al! Alvin Woods!

- Now, why did you do it?
- Skip it. Let' get out of here.

I can't. This party means
a lot to the sorority.

The least you can do
is go back and apologize.

I should apologize? You're
the one who owes me an apology.

The way you were
carrying on with that guy.

- Carrying on with--
- Are you coming?

- No!
- Hah!

I've known all along,
you date me

just to shock your snob friends.

- You slay me.
- Oh, sure I do.

Been great for your ego to know
I'm nuts about you, hasn't it?

Well, okay, it was fun
while it lasted

and I'm not sorry
about any of it.

It was kind of special
and wonderful.

Alvin Woods, you are
an idiot, aren't you?

Well, if you really want
to know what I think of you

I honestly and sincerely
think you stink!

Oh, you finally said
what you really think.

Well, okay, I'm sick of you and
the rest

of your stuck-up friends.

- Goodbye!
- Goodbye!

Al..

Hey, I thought you're
workin' late tonight.

I got fired. In fact,
I quit for good.

What do you mean?

I mean I'm fed up
with sororities

and working my way
through college

and this crummy room and dames.

I'm clearing out and enlisting,
I'll show 'em.

Holy macro, Al!

Here, you can have all my stuff.
I won't need 'em.

Oh Al, oh gosh,
what can I say?

We've been pals for
almost four years now.

You're a good guy
and I hate to see you go.

And the clothes and stuff..

I don't care if I never
see another girl again.

That blonde hadn't washed
her hair for two weeks.

All the same,
every last one of them.

Except for a few
minor differences.

My parting advice to you

is never trust one
any further than..

What's she doing?

She's gonna wash her hair!

Yeah.

A shampoo cleans up
the pores on the scalp

and opens them up,
so the hair can come

through without
any interference.

Okay, okay, Windy. You saw me.

- Fine.
- Hello, Pop.

I'll be a son of a monkey's
uncle, if it ain't ol' hot shot!

How are you, boy? How are you?
So glad to see you.

Doggone if I'm not..

Sam, I want you
to meet my boy.

- I've heard a lot about you.
- Mr. Turner.

I want you to meet my boy.

Glad to meet you.

Just sit a minute.
I won't be long.

About that shampoo, Mr. Turner

I've changed my mind about
giving it to you today.

But you said--

I know I did,
but your pores are open.

A very healthy condition,
and too much shampooin'

might rot the roots of the hair.

'How're things at college?'

Fine.

My boy's by the way
of getting himself

a high confalutin' education.

He won't have to operate
clippers like his old man does.

He's a fine looking boy. You
ain't one bit proud of him.

Well he's wise,
he's all I've got.

Because I'm stuck with him.

That'll be, um,
two bits, Mr. Turner.

Alright, sir.

Here you are.

And a little something extra,
for the boy's education.

Thanks a lot, Mr. Turner.

Well, now. Good luck,
young fellow.

Thank you.

Come on, hot shot, we'll get
ourselves a couple of beers.

- See you later, son.
- Yes, sir.

Pop, I'm on my way
to join the service.

That's what I came to tell you.

Oh. Did you hear that, Millie?
My boy's joining up!

I'll bet ol' Hitler won't dare
mess with us now.

- He'll look good in uniform.
- You're darn tootin'.

Bring us a couple of more beers
when you get a chance.

- We're aimin' to celebrate.
- Sure, Windy.

- This'll do me.
- Oh, okay.

- I have to be traveling.
- Oh, what's the hurry?

Stick around a few days.

I've to be at the recruiting
office in the morning.

You'll come and see your old man
before you go shipping out?

Sure, Pop. If-if I can.

You're gettin' to be
a good looking man, hot shot.

Oh, one thing though.

You gotta take care
of your hair.

Do you think I'm gonna be bald?

I noticed my hair's gettin'
a little thin--

What you gotta do, you've got to
stimulate your scalp.

You know, keep it clean,
the blood circulating.

Now, the best thing for that
is a good massage.

- Here, I'll show you.
- Pop, please, please! Not here.

Well, well, anyway,
you-you get the idea.

What I mean is, son, you..

...gotta brush
your hair every day.

You gotta keep it clean
and healthy up here.

Wear your hat as little
as possible.

At the first sign of falling
hair, do something about it.

That's the best advice
I can give you!

Thanks.

Well, it's gettin' late.

Too bad you can't stick
around a few days.

I'd show you how
to treat your scalp.

Next time. I just want you
to know where I'll be.

Well, sure.
You need any dough?

No, I'm loaded.

Well, I better be going.
Goodbye, Pop.

Behave yourself.

Don't forget my advice.

- Write to me, son.
- Sure, Pop.

Row! Get together! Row!

Get your back into it, O'Neal!

Get that grip against
your chest, Berger!

Come on, you!

Stroke! Stroke!

Turn right, oars!

Cross oars!

Right ,then.
Take a five minute break.

- How long you been in, Woods?
- Eleven miserable days.

I outrank ya',
I'm in twelve.

- Everybody outranks me, buddy.
- Look at these blisters.

And these hands used to give
the best haircuts in Cincinnati.

You're a barber, O' Neal?

Yeah, anything wrong with that?

- No.
- Where're you from, Woods?

- Oklahoma.
- You one of them Okhis?

Yeah.

I didn't know they took Okhis
in the Coast Guard.

What I can't understand is how
you guys passed the physical.

- Not to mention the I.Q. test.
- What're you, a wise guy?

- You want trouble, Okhi?
- Knock it off!

Since you guys have got
so much energy

let's get back in the boat.

Let's go! Let's go!
Everybody, let's go!

Cease fire!

Mighty fine shootin' there,
what's your name?

- Woods, sir.
- Clobbered that target good.

Next gunner.

Hut! Come on! Come on! Go!

Hurry!

- I can't make it through.
- Break it up!

Battalion!

Ten-hut!

Right face!

Right shoulder, arms!

Forward march!

Marching, marching.

Twelve weeks, all the water
I've seen so far is sweat.

- Knock it off!
- That Leggas!

At least we'll be gettin'
outta here in a couple of days.

Stick with us, Okhi,
put in for Hawaii.

- Good dames there.
- Not interested.

Huh?

He just ain't interested
in women.

Right Turn!

Steady, TURN!

Woods!

Alright! Aright! Wake up!

Wake up! Come on! Let's go!

Oh, just keep it quiet in there.

Come on! Get up! Let's go!

You're shipping out today.

You report to classroom 5, write
up charts, take up your orders.

Come on! Let's go! Let's go!

Hit the deck.

That goes for you too, Woods.

Revelry!

Get up. Woods!

Come on, you've been pushing us
gum boots around for 12 weeks.

Let's see how really
tough you are.

Well, grab him you guys!
He's gone nuts!

What's the matter, you ain't
quitting, are you?

I thought you were a big man.

You're in trouble, boot.

You're gonna draw
brig-time for this.

I want some of that
brig-time, too.

- Yeah, let's all do brig-time.
- Yeah.

Okay!
Okay, you're asking for it.

Now, all three of you
guys are in trouble.

I got ways of taking
care of your kind.

You dumb jerks had to buy in?

"The Boston Massacre

occurred in this area."

Eh, massacre is right.

The brig would've been
better than this.

We ask for assignment to Hawaii.

Leggas and that stinking'
paddle. He sure fixed us good.

I should've killed him
when I had the chance.

Yeah.

"Woods," he says, "there's a
shortage of pot wallopers

in the Boston area.
You're gonna be a cook."

"Well Leggas," I says, "I only
waited on tables, and hated it."

"Woods," he says,
"you're gonna be a ship's cook!"

Me, who never cooked
a thing in my life.

If I'd only kept that
waiter's job off my record.

Boston ain't the end
of the world.

Prove it.

Let's get a drink.

- Three beers.
- Ship's cook.

At least you got a rate
all the way up to

60 a month in one jump.

At that service station,
I won't be a lousy

seaman second class for months.

You know what they do to a
ship's cook who can't cook?

They murder him.

Boston area.

Now, in Chicago..

...I got women hanging
all over town, like grapes.

In Norfolk, I know a couple of
wild ones that are

just made for breathing
pleasure into the air.

In Frisco, there's
a school teacher.

Turns into a pillar
of fire at night.

Now, Boston..

Boston, I don't
even know a bean.

Well, as long as we're gonna
split up, let's pitch a party.

How about it?
Hey, Al..

Excuse me, miss.
Would you care to dance?

I don't recall
being introduced.

My name's Al Woods.

I'm Stella Papparonis, and this
is my girlfriend, Gailla Downs.

- Please to meet you.
- Hello.

Now, how about that dance?

Well, I...I don't like to leave
my girlfriend sitting alone.

Who are your friends?

So you noticed us?

I'm very observant.

Berger!

Gailla, I'd you to meet
my two buddies

Charlie Berger and Harry O'Neal.

Happy to make
your acquaintance, chaps.

Same here.
The pleasure's all mine.

Sit, boys.

I'm keeping Stella
all to myself.

I just got into town.

- You live around here?
- Uh-huh.

- Come here often?
- Mm-hmm.

Gailla and me work in the
drugstore, around the corner.

I like your perfume.

It's really toilet water,
but it's-it's French.

It's called Amor,
that's French for Love.

Who gave it to you?

Nobody.

It was a special
and I get a discount.

You mean you don't have
one particular boyfriend

who spreads rare
gifts at your feet?

You talk crazy..

...but you're interesting.

- You know something..
- What?

I like your eyes.

They're green.

I'm the jealous type.

Who are the men in your life?

Nobody special. Honest.

I don't bother with
the riff-raff that's around.

You've got...nice shoulders.

You're nice all over.

Your teeth..

...so angular.

Better to bite you with.

Never been bit.

You haven't lived, Stella, but
you're going to, from now on.

This is your life line..

...and this is
your heart line.

Show me, again.

Right here.

Again.

Now, come on. Ante up.

She ate more than any of us.

I'm just hungry all the time.

Me, too.

Here you are, sweetie.
Keep the change.

Come on, we gotta
get to the station.

Come on, Al. Let's go.

I promised Stella
I'd take her home.

Oh, never mind. I don't want
to change your plans.

No, no.

We'll drop you and Gailla
off on the way.

Hurry up, huh?

It was a very enjoyable evening.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Goodnight.

What's your rush?

None, I guess.

I want to see you again.

Maybe, tomorrow night,
if I can get leave.

I'll call you, okay?

You don't know my number.

Yeah, that's right.

It's PARKER-3-6-6-1.

Aren't you gonna
write it down?

Don't have to.

I need one last whiff
of that perfume

to carry to my lonely bed.

We're waiting. Come on.

You scared me.

I was afraid maybe
it was my father.

Are you seeing us off
to the station or ain't you?

Yeah, sure.

Come on.

See you tomorrow night.

Come on. Let's go.

Halt there, you!

Now, where do you
think you're going, man?

This is the Periwinkle,
isn't it?

It is.

I'm assigned to the Periwinkle.

That may be, but there is
a proper boarding procedure

or haven't you heard?

What's your name and rate?

Al Woods, ship's cook,
third class.

You must've come
off a sloppy ship.

Don't think you can
get away with it

because we're a buoy tender.

You salute the colors,
address an officer as Sir

and request permission
from the O.D. to come aboard.

I'm the O.D.

Yes, sir!

Permission to come aboard, sir?

Just a minute, Woods.

There's the small matter
of saluting the O.D.

Then you request
permission to come aboard.

Now, let's run through it again.
So you'll be sure to remember.

Where would you
like me to start?

At the gate or should I go
clear back to boot camp?

Don't be insolent!

I shouldn't advise that at all.

Permission to come aboard, sir?

Permission granted.

- Osborne?
- Yes, sir.

Quartermaster Osborne'll
take you to the galley.

The ship's cook will assign you.

Follow me.

That's Mr. Higgins.
The ships commissary officer.

'The rest of the officers
on board are pretty nice guys.'

Anything would be
an improvement.

Hey, Wildoe.
Here's your new cook.

Why did you leave
your last ship?

Uh, this will be
my first time on ship.

Where'd you go to
cooking school, in New London?

I, uh, I didn't go
to cooking school.

Got my rate kind of sudden.
Right out of boot camp.

The truth is
I didn't cook before.

I knew it. I knew they'd send me
a dead-beat. I knew they would.

Well, I better show you
where the cook's quarters is.

No, you don't.
Not in my room.

That's his right, Wildoe.

The empty bunk's
for the other cooks.

- No!
- Where at, then?

I don't care.
Anyplace, but not with me.

Throw him overboard.

There's an empty bunk
in the berth deck.

- You rate better than that.
- It's okay.

Attention!

- Very funny.
- Knock it off.

The new cook. Here's your bunk.

- Here's your locker.
- Hey!

He's supposed
to sag at Wildoe.

- Wildoe don't want him.
- Why not?

I guess I'm not his type.

Maybe you ain't ours, either.

Boys'll take care of you.

- Ow!
- Shh.

Hey, Cookie!

Hey, Cookie!
I'm talking to you.

Yeah, what?

You better be able
to cook better than Wildoe

or we'll cut your throat.

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

- What do you want me to do?
- Nothing.

You ain't gonna ruin
no chow on my galley, Mack.

What do you know
about cooking, anyway?

- Not much, but I could learn.
- Yeah, not on my time.

This ain't no
cooking school, Mack.

Look, buddy, I didn't
ask for this job.

I told them I couldn't cook.

What, are you bragging
or complaining?

It ain't funny, Gutsell.

I had to go to New London
and sweat for six months

to earn my rate.

I had to be in the Coast Guard
four years before I got a chance

to go for a rate.

Now they give phonies like you
a crow and apron in four months.

I told you, I didn't ask for it.

Just stay out of my galley.
That's an order.

Okay, okay.

But only, uh..

...how about a special
liberty tonight?

Boy, you got a lot of crust.

Oh, I have a very important
personal matter to attend to.

- My poor ol--
- Oh, get out of here.

Is it my fault you're so dumb

it took you four years
to earn a rating?

When you get all done sulking,
let me know.

I'll see you, rotten shit!

"Dear Alvin.."

Alvin?

"Just heard you were
in the Coast Guard

"so I'm grabbing a minute
between classes

"to wish you the best of luck.

"Everything's pretty much
the same around the ol' place.

Drop me a line. Josephine."

Josephine! Postcard!

Hey, Woods.

- Woods.
- Yeah?

You've gotta cook noon chow.
Wildoe's dog drunk in his room.

What're you giving me?
He cooked breakfast, didn't he?

That was three hours ago.

He must've had a bottle
on board and hit it afterward.

He's dumber than I thought.

Drinking on board's
a serious offense.

That's tough.
I got troubles of my own.

Someone's gotta cover, you're
the only other cook on board.

Even if you can't cook.

He gave me orders
to stay out of his galley

and that's exactly
what I'm gonna do.

The mess cooks'll help you.
Come on, Woods.

- Give him a break.
- I refuse flatly.

They'll throw the book at him.

- I hope they boil him alive.
- Oh.

How do you start this thing?

Oh, it's simple.
I'll show you.

This here's an oil blower range.

Overhead's the oil tank.

You turn this valve here
to start the oil going.

Now, this in front,
it's a blower.

- Opens up like this.
- Yeah.

Now, you push
this button here, see..

...to start the blower.
It's electrical.

Now, this little lid on top..

...that's the fire hole,
comes off, just like that.

Now, then..

...match.

Paper.

Strike the match,
you light the paper..

...take the burning paper,
and throw it in the hole.

Just like that.

Sometimes, it does that.

May I suggest
you turn off the oil?

It ain't lit yet.

- Where's Wildoe?
- Sick.

You mean drunk as a skunk.

I'm Dave Hubert.
Ward-room steward.

- Oh, hi.
- They say you can't cook.

That's a fact, friend.
I'm a non-cooker by birth.

You figure I'm scorchin'
enough cow for lunch?

What's the matter?

Nothing. It looks to me.
Too good, in fact.

I guess Wildoe didn't
get a chance to tell you.

Mr. Higgins wants us
to economize.

So let Higgins do without meat
in the ward-room.

Excuse me.

See four.

"For leavening

"use stock yeast, sufficient
quantity should be used

"to raise the dough,
but always bear in mind

a little goes a long way."

Well, well. The invisible man.

- Where are the mess cooks?
- I don't know.

They're laying out on you,
to find out

how much they can
get away with.

It'd take too much
time to hunt 'em up.

Well, I guess anybody can become
a petty officer these days.

Alright, Gutsell,
hit the deck.

Climb out of that sack
and make it fast.

Oh, who's gonna make me?
You, Cooksie-wooksie?

- That's an order!
- Ho, ho, ho.

I can't touch you.
You outrank me.

Don't let that stop you.

Give me any more guff,
I'll knock your head off.

You know when you're supposed
to be in the galley.

Where's that other
gold-bricking jerk?

Who, Poznicki? You better not
call Poznicki a jerk.

'He ain't scared of your rank.'

Climb out of there, you ape!

Get up to the galley,
on the double.

You still wanna argue the point?

Not here, on the ship.

I'll see you one night up
on a street

where you can't hide
behind your rank.

- Well, clean up the mess.
- Yes, sir.

- Did you say something?
- Not me.

You ought to do something
about that stomach, Poznicki.

Come on, you guys.
Help me!

Whatever it is, Cookie,
it's hot.

- I mean hot.
- I know it's hot. Push!

What happened?

I guess I used too much yeast.

Too much yeast?

Remain calm, I'll handle this.

- Hey, how 'bout some seconds?
- Let me check.

- They want more meat.
- That's the last of it.

About time. They already
had three portions.

- You got any more salad?
- Fresh out!

Never seen 'em eat
so much salad before.

There you be, Dave.

The skipper always eat
alone in his cabin?

Yeah, he's a funny guy.

Well, I hope he likes it.
Thanks.

This is the best chow I've
ever eaten on the Coast Guard.

That was swell chow
you fixed, Red.

Nice going, Wildoe.

You ought to make roast beef
like that. Best ever.

'Wildoe.'

Compliments to the chef
from the ward-room.

Yes, sir, Mr. Bennet. Thank you.

You're improving.

Yo, Woods.

You the one that cooked chow?

Uh-huh.

Dish up a plate of your slop.

I've been getting
nothing but complaints.

There's only these
few scraps left.

Too salty.

I'll watch that in the future.

So long as you're getting
paid for cooking

you're gonna have to stay
in your regular watches

from now on, Mack.

There'll be a menu
in here every day

and you better cook
what it says.

Look, I was lucky
today, that's all.

I still ain't a cook, so..

I wish you'd keep that in mind
when you write up the menus.

You're supposed to be able to
handle any menu I make up, Mack.

And don't ever forget
who's the head cook.

I'm in charge here, completely.
You take orders from me.

Make cinnamon rolls for chow.

- Have a heart.
- That's an order.

Look, I never baked
a thing in my life.

What's more,
wear your chef's hat on duty.

I'm losing enough hair
just from worry.

At least the skipper
knows what's fit

to eat and what ain't.

This cooking ain't so bad,
once you get the hang of it.

What's eating you, Ozzie?

Higgins refused to approve
my transfer again.

Oh, well, Boston ain't
such a bad town.

My wife and four kids are jammed
into two miserable rooms here

when they could be
living decently

with my folks
out in California.

What's to keep you from shippin'
your family out there anyhow?

No! We stay together.

- Hey, Woods.
- Yeah.

Mr. Higgins wants us
to lay to his cabin.

I'm busy.
What's he want?

Come on. He sounded
hot under the collar.

Chief.

What's the per-day
mess allowance here?

- Eighty six cents a day, sir.
- Exactly.

I should think that
any competent

reasonably intelligent cook
would be able

to manage his mess
on that, wouldn't you, Wildoe?

- Yes, sir.
- Then why aren't you doing it?

Sir?

Our general mess has a deficit.

For the past month,
we've operated on a loss.

- That's got to stop.
- I don't understand, sir.

Everything's the same.
Except for one thing.

I say it's sheer incompetence.

This is good duty on the ship.

It beats iceberg patrol
or weather ship.

Yes, and light-ship duty, too.

Your men have a soft berth here,
maybe that's the trouble.

You don't know
how lucky you are.

- Is that all, sir?
- No, it isn't, Miller.

You're supposed to be the
enlisted head of the department.

- What have you to say?
- You're doing all the talking.

Now, watch yourself, Miller.

Because you're retiring
doesn't give you

the right to be insolent.

A court martial and a reduction
in rank would take a big bite

out of that pension
you're looking forward to.

Mind how you address
a superior officer--

- Is that all, sir?
- Yes, for the time being.

It's for some time now, I've
known his useful days are over.

You're the ones I'm counting
on to lick this deficit.

Shave quarters, eliminate waste.

Cut down on the size
of the meals.

By the way, when Miller retires,
I see no reason why we should

bring in an outsider
to head up the department.

No reason at all, why you men
shouldn't each step up a rung.

Provided of course,
we whip this deficit.

- That's all men. Dismissed.
- Aye-aye, sir.

Almost seemed like he's
trying to bribe us, huh, Wildoe?

I smell something burning.

My cinnamon rolls!

General quarters.
General quarters.

Man your battle stations.
On the double.

Help me into this thing,
will you?

Oh, take it easy.
It's only a drill.

- Drill?
- What'd you think?

We ain't in a war, stupid.
Nobody's mad at us.

This tub ain't done nothing,
and we never will.

- I just thought, maybe that--
- What?

- Ah, nothing.
- You sure panic.

The skipper gives us
false alarms all the time

whenever his ulcer's acting up.

- He's got an ulcer?
- Yeah.

Everybody knows that.

So, he's got an ulcer.

Heh! That's why he didn't
eat my chow.

- What's so funny?
- Nothing, sir.

These General quarter drills
are serious business.

You better learn
this is a taut ship.

You're the new man, aren't you?

Yes, sir. Woods, ship's cook.

Haven't you got an experienced
man to put on this gun?

The regular gunner
Erwin, is AWOL, sir.

Woods gunnery record
in training was excellent.

He acts likes this tub
of his could see action

whoever did get into the war.

A buoy tender.

Stupid anti-aircraft gun
won't go down low enough

to shoot anything on the water.

- Big deal.
- You know it all, huh, Cookie?

You almost landed us right out
of our liberty tonight.

Hah, who gets liberty?

You do, stupid. You're in
the third section, ain't you?

Yeah!

What did you bring
Gailla along for?

I don't trust myself
alone with you.

Give me a sporting chance to see
if I can be trusted or not.

Get rid of her, huh?

Don't be foolish.
She's my very best friend.

Devoted to me.

She even changed her name, so
it would sound more like mine.

You two make
a very attractive couple.

Why, thank you, kind lady.

You're a marvelous dancer.

Why don't you dance
with him, Gailla?

I don't mind. Really.

Oh, Stella.
That's awfully sweet of you.

But Al doesn't want
to dance with me.

Don't be foolish.
He'd be delighted.

Wouldn't you, Al?

...yeah. Sure.

Well, since you insist..

Gutsell!

Gutsell, ol' buddy.
Am I glad to see you?

Listen, I got the cutest
little girl over here

just dying to meet you.

- Huh?
- Yeah.

Gailla, I'd like to you to meet
my ol' buddy, Frank Gutsell.

- Sidney.
- Yeah.

Hey, you're alright, baby.

Wanna dance?

I'm Gailla, and I-I'd love to.

Now that Gailla's taken care of,
let's get out of here.

Are you sure she'll be
alright with your friend?

What, ol' Gutsell? You kidding?
He's the salt of the earth.

I trust him like my own brother.

I had such a good time, Al.
You're a good conversationalist.

Yeah, it was fun.

Well..

Oh, you make me weak all over.

I've been weak
ever since I met you

just thinking about you.

You're so strong and wonderful.

Please don't take advantage
of my passionate nature.

Let's go to your place.

No, Al.
Not with my family in there.

I'll be quiet,
they won't hear a thing.

We can't. They come from the old
country. They're very strict.

It's late. They'll be asleep.

You don't know my father.
He has a hearing like a hawk.

Can't we go some place?

Alright.

Oh, Al, please stop.

You're laughing at me.

Oh, no, baby. It's just
history repeating itself.

I was laughing
at myself. Honest.

I'm such a sap,
when you say stop, I stopped.

You know I want you more than
anything in the world.

- Goodnight, Mr. Woods.
- Will I see you Saturday night?

- No, never. You laughed.
- Listen, Stella, please.

It had nothing to do
with you, believe me.

Say you'll see me
Saturday night. I've got plans.

What kind of plans?

A nice quiet room, in a hotel.

Champagne, winter strawberries,
the works.

Strawberries give me a rash.

Listen, we can't stop
seeing each other now.

You're like diving
into a brick wall.

See you Saturday night,
at the bar.

I'd like a room and wife
for me and my bath.

How is that?

W-w-well, see, I'm going down
to the train, to pick her up

and-and bring her
back here later.

She just wired me,
she lost all her luggage

including her wedding ring.

Yes, sir.
Please sign the register.

- That'll be $7 in advance.
- You bet.

Sorry.

Hello, Al.

- Hi.
- Let's dance.

What'd you bring her for?

- Well, I--
- Ah, let's get going honey.

Go where, darling?

I'm having dinner sent up.
Everything's ready, baby.

I'm sure I haven't the slightest
idea what you're talking about.

I'm talking about a hotel room.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

Hey, listen.
What's going on?

You trying to rat out on me?

You're acting pretty gruesome,
if you want my opinion.

That's right.
Go ahead and insult me.

Oh, who's insulting anybody?

I just wanna know
what's the score here.

That's all.
What's the deal, baby?

I-I never dreamed about
anything like that in mind.

You never dreamed..

Oh, no. Don't say that, baby.

Our acquaintanceship hasn't
gone that far yet.

How do I know you're really
serious about me?

Serious? I'm desperate!

Now, look. You're not
pulling that stuff.

You're not going to bail out
on me at the last minute.

Just-just what do you
think I am?

I know what you are.

You're a cheap little,
dirty double--

Bartender. Bar..

One more bottle.

Keep the change.

Thank you.

When I give an order, I expect
it to be executed, you see.

Oh, have a drink,
you ol' academy cook, you.

Hey, ba-hey bartender.

Another glass for my ol' buddy
who just happens to be

the best baker
in the Coast Guard.

I wish I could make
cinnamon rolls like you.

No hassle, buddy.

About them cinnamon rolls..

...when I tell a guy
to make cinnamon rolls..

Nobody can make cinnamon rolls
like you can, Red.

I'm sick of that "Red" bull!

I'm talking about when I say
make cinnamon rolls, Mack.

- Have another.
- I'll drink with you.

Let me tell you about a lousy
little broad I just told off--

Wait a minute, just a second,
hold the photograph.

All I wanna know is,
did you or didn't you

read the menu I left
for you this afternoon.

I borrowed my whole
next month's pay.

Imagine that.

Even bought champagne.

I've been in the Coast Guard
eight years.

So, when I tell a guy
to fix cinnamon rolls..

I ordered a special meal,
did everything right.

Gonna have a wonderful time.

And then she said, "No."

It happened to be
hard times in my life.

The last minute something
always happens..

...to foul up a deal.

So, did you or didn't you
fix cinnamon rolls for chow?

As a matter of fact, I didn't.

Didn't fix no
cinnamon rolls for chow?

Nope.

Psst.

Gotta confession to make.

Sick and tired
of cinnamon rolls.

Hate cinnamon rolls.

Same here.

Who's in charge of the galley?

You are, Chef.

Okay.

Show me me the ship.

When I'm telling you
to fix cinnamon rolls..

I borrow that money..

- ...story of my life..
- ...cinnamon rolls..

...they always say no.

When I tell a guy to make
cinnamon roll, Mack..

Now hear this.

All hands laid to the buoy
deck. On the double.

Hey, Woods! Come on.
Come on. Get up. Get up.

Get up, guys. Didn't you hear
the spot box? Something's up.

Should've seen Higgins face.

Don't mention that face to me.

I ain't in such
hot shape as it is.

Come on. Come on.
Get up. Get up.

Now hear this.

Now hear this.

All hands laid
to the buoy deck.

This means now.

On the double.

This is the Captain speaking.

We've just received word
that the Japanese

have bombed Pearl Harbor.

That means we're at war.

The Coast Guard will
be transferred

to operations under the Navy
for the duration.

This ship will go
under the ship yard

and will be painted
battle grey.

All leaves are canceled.

There'll no liberty
until further notice.

That is all.

You were on the radio.
Give us the straight dope, Sam.

What'd you hear?

Everything is classified. Sorry.

The biggest thing
that ever happened

and you can't even get off
this tub to buy a newspaper.

I worked 20 years
for that retirement.

Practically had that
pension in my hand.

For once, I'm glad
I'm on this tub

even if I have to work for you.

What could be safer
than a buoy tender?

Ain't gonna be safe if you don't
clean my oven better than

you did the last time.

A war going on, and he's
worried about his oven.

Dear Jo..

Thanks...for the postcard.

Well, Woods. Carry on.

Wish me luck,
and I'll reciprocate.

All the luck
in the world, Lieutenant.

Us peasants sure hate
to see you go.

You mean you hate to see
Higgins become Executive.

If somebody has to go,
why couldn't it be him?

What's the name of
your new command, sir?

- The Algonquin.
- The Algonquin?

Convoy duty.

Well...anyhow, I hope
we'll meet up again.

The war will
probably arrange it.

Okhi!

- The barber!
- Hey, Okhi, pal.

Hey, a pharmacist's mate.
How about that?

Just call me Doc O'Neal, pal.

You there, Mack.

You forgot to salute the colors
when you came aboard.

Sorry, sir.

Just met up with
an old buddy of mine

I haven't seen
in a long time, sir.

Yes. I was observing
the touching scene.

But that's no excuse
for laxness.

Hey, what kind of a ship
we got here, anyway?

Oh, you just met our new Exec,
that oughta give you some idea.

Come on.

I was seeing your ex pig
at the Oval last night.

She was asking about you.

Don't tell her nothing.

She ain't hard to look at.

You can have her.

Too dark.

"Dear Son, how about a letter?
Best regards, Your old man."

Just left Stella.
Never asked about you.

Never even mentioned
your name, Mack.

Yeah? So what, Red?

Hey, watch that Red stuff.

So, I walked her home.

Any objections, Mack?

Nary one. Help yourself.
I'm not her type, boy.

I figure, she, uh,
kind of goes for me.

Why not? She's never tasted
your lousy cooking.

- I wanna know the truth, Mack.
- The truth shall make men free.

Oh, never mind that smart stuff.
I'm serious, I gotta know.

How, uh..

I mean, uh, how thick
did you get with her?

You know what I mean.

Don't lie to me, Woods.

Who, Stella?

You're wrong,
what you're thinking.

But you tried, didn't you?

Everyone tries
with a good looking dame.

But like I told you before,
I wasn't her type.

Couldn't get
to first base with her.

Okay.

Okay, I believe you.

Umm..

We're gonna get married,
Stella and me.

When is the happy event?

- Only one thing.
- Yeah.

It's a lousy time
to get married.

One time is
as good as another.

There's a war on now,
you might get shipped out.

You'll be away
for more than a year.

So what?

Well, it's a strain
on any marriage, Red.

What's a little strain
between a guy and his wife?

Yeah, but what's she doing
all that time?

Wait. Just waitin',
Mac.

I can see the judges eye

As the handed you the prize

I bet you made
the cutest bow

Oh you must have been
beautiful baby

'Cause baby look at you now

- Don't be sorry.
- You got it, sister Red.

Hey, Wildoe,
Hands off until tonight.

What do you think
of that cake, honey?

Wildoe baked it himself.

Did you really, Wildoe?

I certainly did,
Mrs. Osborne.

Ain't that right, Woods?

That's right. All by himself
in his little old galley.

May I have the pleasure
of this dance..

...Mrs. Wildoe?

Why, of course,
Mr. Wildoe.

Oh, doesn't she make
a gorgeous bride?

How about a dance, baby?

Oh, well...alright.

Don't move, you guys.
I got you covered.

Hamburger!

Ol' New Orleans drunkards.

Their own sweet scourges.

Sit down. Tell us
what you've been doing.

Have a drink, pal.

Some wing-ding.

Hey, ain't one of you jugs
getting hitched?

Nah, a buddy of ours.
Red Wildoe.

In fact, you know
the bride.

Al's old girl,
Stella.

Oh, sure. The one you met
that night in Boston.

She's some dish.

Yeah.

Oh..

- Excuse me, dear.
- That's alright, dear.

I didn't mean it.

Excuse me, sonny.

I am sorry, honey. I guess
I ain't much of a dancer.

It'll be alright, darling.
My foot isn't broken, yet.

Lots of luck, Stella.
Remember me? Charlie Berger.

Oh, yes. You're
a friend of Al's.

- Right.
- Excuse me, excuse me.

How's chances of a dance
with the blushing bride?

I'm terribly sorry, but I
promised this next dance to Al.

Is it okay with you, Red?

Anything Stella wants,
she gets.

That's the way
it's gonna be from now on.

Why'd you marry him?

For the things
every woman wants.

A home of my own
and a family.

But why Red?

You know something?

He's the only one
who ever asked me.

The others just wanted
a good time.

You included.

I suppose, you didn't
want a good time?

I still don't,
for that matter.

I've got security now.

A husband with a
steady job and benefits.

An apartment of my own.

Everything respectable.

Keep it that way,
huh, Stella?

I never thought you'd be giving
me that kind of advice, Al.

Stella!

Come on back. It's time
to cut the wedding cake.

Stella, Red wants a picture
of you cutting his cake.

Hold it.

Go on, cut it, Stella.

Well, well, if it ain't
the Hooligan Navy..

...having a wedding shindig.

Shove off, soldier.
This is a private party.

First, how about
you shallow water-boys

giving us
some of that cake?

It's Stella.

Hey, Stella,
remember the great--

Hey!

Why don't you
leave us alone?

Come on. Come on.

Alright, alright.
I'm coming.

Now, what happened?

We just went to Ol' Wildoe's
wedding, Mr. Fineberg.

Let go of me, this
is my wedding night.

Lots of luck.

Keep your hands off me
or I'll kill you.

Somebody must've
thrown the cake.

It was stuck all over
the place like wallpaper.

I'll take care
of them now.

So, somebody threw
the wedding cake?

Don't you guys know
it's customary to throw rice?

Now, what happened?

One of 'em said
something I didn't like.

The soldiers called us
"the Hooligan Navy," sir.

And shallow water sailors.

Make sure to remind me to put
you all on report tomorrow.

Or I might forget.

Now, now, lay below before
Mr. Higgins sees you.

- Yes, sir.
- Thank you, sir.

What about me, sir?

You? What are you
doing here, Wildoe?

There's no bridal suite
in the ship.

Thank you, sir. Yes..
Goodnight, sir.

Why did it have to
happen to you, Red

of all the lousy
stinking breaks.

Yeah.

Besides, convoy duty keeps you
out six weeks at a time.

Well, anyway, you'll make
first class on the Algonquin.

Lt. Bennett's the best.

Phone up...Stella
once in a while, will you?

See if she's okay.

I wished they had
picked me instead of you.

So do I.

I guess, they wanted
a cook, Mac.

Here.

I'm leaving you
a souvenir.

My personal recipe
for cinnamon rolls.

Thanks, Red.

Give them cinnamon rolls
for evening chow.

I'm still boss here till
the 5 o'clock whistle blows.

That's an order.

Check these supplies, Woods.

Overseas ham?

Ain't this stuff only supposed
to be used in the tropics?

Warehouse had a surplus,
we got 'em cheap.

Oh, sure, you got
'em cheap.

'Cause they're so salty
you can't eat em.

Have you gone crazy?

Look at this hamburger.
It's 90% sewage.

Stewing and boiling meat
that isn't even graded.

What's going on?

Powdered eggs?

What are you trying to do?

Take out your gripe about not
retiring against the whole crew?

You ought to be court-martialed
for buying this slop.

I refuse to accept it.

You'll accept it, Woods,
because I did the purchasing.

And furthermore, I'm going to
make out the menus personally

until we wipe out
the mess deficit.

Now finish your inspection.

Well, that's a little better.

But why did you buy
only three slabs of T-bone

for the whole crew, sir?

Enough for
the General mess, Woods.

Put a dozen of these steaks
aside for a birthday party

we're the Skipper
on the 15th.

The rest are for
the officers wardroom mess.

Coincidentally, I expect
you to cater the affair.

Slice it thin, chef.
Slice it thin.

- Gutsell.
- Yes, sir.

Congratulations.

Now, that you're in your
new position as second cook

stow this garbage in the meat
locker and take over the watch.

That's an order.

Poznicki.

Stow it. That's an order.

Well, here's to you..

...and me.

Al.

- Pardon me.
- No problem.

What's the matter?

Don't you talk to
old friends anymore?

You look busy.

Oh, him? He's just a relative
of Red's passing through town.

I'll bet.

Aren't you gonna
buy me a drink?

Nope.

I'll leave that
to Red's relative.

Well, if you're
gonna be that way..

I'm still glad to see you.

How have you been?

Okay.

How's Red?

He'll be away
another month.

Drop around.

You haven't seen
our new apartment yet.

You're keeping
Red's grandpa waiting.

Hiya, Stella!

- Hey, baby.
- How's married life?

Alright, I guess,
while your husband's around.

It was some wedding party
you had.

Only the fight
sort of broke things up.

Hey, we never got to kiss
the bride. How about now?

- Well, why not?
- Better late.

Cut it out, you crum.

- What's it to you, cookie?
- You're embarrassing her.

In the pig's eye.
She likes it.

What's your main trouble, Woods?

Jealous?

I'm sorry. You okay?

Yeah.

You jerk.

He's a relative of Wildoe's.

Come on, buddy.
Have a drink.

Drink by yourself.

Oh, come on, Stella.
Just one little drink.

Honesty, Frank,
you're terrible.

Oh, just one?

Well, promise me you'll stay
just for one drink.

Shove off, grandpa.

- Hey, what is this?
- Shove off.

I wanna talk to you.

Honestly, you worry about me
almost as much as Red does.

Now, you listen to me,
you've got to squared away.

You're a married woman now.

Can I help it
if Red's away so much?

I get lonesome.

The poor guy
got transferred.

A lot of guys in the
coast guard now you, Stella.

You better watch your step
or words gonna get back to Red.

What should I do?

Stay at home
and twiddle my thumbs?

Okay, so it's tough.

But you knew he was liable to be
away a lot when you married him.

I didn't know how much
I'd miss you, Al.

Me and 16 other guys,
huh, Stella?

No...just you.

You're the one
I really want.

Come in.

Hey, Woods. I wanna apologize
about what happened last night.

I acted pretty crummy.

No hard feelings.

I got to thinking about how
I'd feel if was married and..

...got shipped out and someone
was kissing my wife like that.

Wildoe sure cooked us
some pretty good meals.

Yeah.

This sort of ham
ain't fit to eat.

You give us powdered eggs
once more, cookie

and I'll run you
through your own meat line.

I'm not in charge,
gripe to Woods.

What's the trouble?

It's the filth you've
been feeding us lately.

Look, cry on
Higgins's shoulder.

He does the buying
and makes the menus.

Every day, he's in here
chewing me about--

My heart bleeds for you.

Alright. Poznicki will
pass out the crying towels.

Hey, listen, Al.

They know it ain't
really your fault.

It's just, they got nowhere
else to let off steam.

I know. My stomach's
chewing to my backbone too.

I don't blame 'em.

Wait a minute.

- Here's some for the family.
- No, Al, I can't take it.
Look, it'll get you in a jam.

Skip it. It's for the kids.

Well, okay.

But I shouldn't.

Thanks a lot, Al.

It's okay.

What are you trying to do?
Get us shipped to Siberia?

Giving away stuff when
we've got orders to economize.

As long as I'm the head cook,
I'm running this galley.

Clean up the AC room.

- Yeah, but Al--
- Both of you!

"Both of you.
Both of you."

"I'm in charge, I'm in charge."
Been yelling all day.

Thanks for the coffee, Al.
I'm bringing back the cup.

Woods.

The second time I've found
some your feathers in my food.

And no wonder.

Why aren't you wearing
a hat on duty?

It's hot in here...sir.

If you insist on going bald,
do so on your own time.

Don't molt in the food.
Wear a hat.

Yes, sir.

Sir, the crew can't
do the work

on the kind of chow
we've been giving them lately.

While I'm executive officer

we're going to have
an efficient ship.

That means general mess
is getting out

of the red ink department
or I'll know the reason why.

Well, that's pretty serious,
what he said.

Ah, don't let
Higgins scare you.

I mean, what he said
about your hair.

What about it?

Hey, you are
beginning to molt.

That means
you're going bald.

Bald? Are you sure?

Yeah, I'm positive.
Positive.

The only way to stop it is
to use my special preparation.

We gotta shave
your head.

Shave my head?
What kind of preparation?

Something I was experimenting
with before I joined up.

The kind that discovers a cure
for baldness and make millions.

How'd you know
it'll work?

Look at me.
Look at my hair there.

Now you're on the road
to recovery.

Oh, no, no.

Al, this is it.
Doc O'Neal Hair Restorer.

Hold this.

Now..

Observe carefully,
how I work it

deep, deep, deep
into the roots.

Smells awful.

That's the combination
of onion juice and alcohol.

What's onions got to do
with growing hair?

What do you call this?

Onions are very rich
in vegetable oil

and that's the substance
that makes vegetables grow.

Hold it.

Have you seen Al?

Yeah, we've been lookin'
all over..

A-Al. Onionhead.

- Come on. Outside, you guys.
- What'd you want?

Well, we came
to tell you, Al

Higgins' just caught
Ozzy takin' ashore

that pound of butter
you gave him.

What?

That's right.
Higgins claims he stole it.

He restricted Ozzy.

He says he's gonna
throw the book at him.

Oh, he is, is he?

Woods. And to what do I owe
the pleasure of this visit?

Sir, it's about that--

I can't hear a word you say
until you remove that hat.

That's rather
an extreme measure

to keep from molting
into the chow, isn't it?

But I'm gratified you took
my criticism to heart.

Sir, Osborn didn't steal
that pound of butter.

I gave it to him.

How Osborn got his hands
on government property

doesn't interest me.

I'm only interested in one thing
that it doesn't happen again.

'After we make an example
of him, the other men'

'will be more careful about
carrying food off this ship.'

I have some notes here
about the menu for

the Skipper's birthday party
tomorrow night.

If you throw the book at Osborn,
I refuse to cook for your party.

Refuse? Just what do you mean?

Sir, a ship's cook, third class
is only supposed to cook

for the general mess,
according to regulations.

You're turning into quite
a sidler, haven't you, Woods?

Yes, sir.

Alright, you got me
over a barrel.

I'll let Osborn off this time.

My deal for catering your party
comes higher than that, sir.

I'm asking that you
approve Osborn's request

to transfer to California.

- Why, you..
- Yes, sir?

We were talking about
the transfer, sir.

He'll get it.

Now hear this, Woods,
and note it well.

From this moment forward,
I'm going to be watching you

every minute
for one little mistake.

- Is that all, sir?
- Yes. Get out of my room.

Thank you, sir.

Fruit cup, asparagus tips

celery and olives.

French fries, T-bone steaks.

So you chickened out, cookie.

The guys were betting

you'd louse up Higgins'
party good tonight.

Then they lose.

Did you see 'em?

There's a whole covey of women
in the wardroom.

I ain't interested.

Oh, that's right.

Oh, my victory garden's
doin' fine.

You're gonna make me
a million bucks, dear Onionhead.

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Turn to and start
those French fries.

Sure, sure, Onionhead.

Poznicki, slice the bread.

That was some banquet
you cooked for them, Al.

The Skipper sends
his compliments.

It's a thrill to the boys
to know the food

for this party's coming
from their starvation diets

just so Higgins can shine up
to the Skipper.

You should have heard Higgins
when that Army Joe said

that this shindig must be
setting them back plenty.

"Why, no, sir," he says,
"No strain at all."

No strain?

Yeah, that's what he said.
Can you imagine?

And the officers only kickin' in
$9.50 a month for their chow.

$9.50? Are you sure?

Yeah. It's in the mess ledger
that Old Higgins keeps.

So that's why we've
been eating powdered eggs

and overseas ham and that
sawdust they call hamburger.

The officers are eating like
kings for practically nothing.

Should be paying
20 bucks a month.

Well, that tears it. I'm going
to blow this thing wide apart.

I don't know how yet,
but I will.

I gotta get hold of Higgins'
ledger and get those figures.

Now if you make it an order,
maybe I can help you.

That's an order.

I got to obey orders.

That's it. Take a look.

"To the district office."
Are you out of your mind?

This is dynamite.

The District Office will send
an investigating board around.

The truck's waiting
for you, Osborn.

Thanks.

Wait a second, chief.

I'd like you
to read something.

Don't send it.

What'd I tell you?

I'm tired of playing patsy
for a bunch of officers.

Be tired, if you don't like
this ship, ask for a transfer.

But never do anything
that might hurt your outfit.

Higgins and his wardroom gang
are hurting this outfit, not me.

Sure, Higgins might be
a bad officer

but he's not
the real Coast Guard.

My advice is, go to
the captain with your beef.

The captain? He's
as bad as the rest of 'em

paying $9.50 a month.

You could be wrong
about this, son.

I still think
you should send it.

You better
think it over, cookie.

Give me a pen, somebody.
I'm sending it.

I don't mind being seen
socially with a cook.

I'm sure gonna hate
to be running around

with an apprentice
seaman...ex-cook.

Well..

Not bad, one inch
in eight weeks.

Didn't I tell you?

Hey, Onionhead, Skipper
wants to see you on the bridge.

He does?

Scuttlebutt has it, there's a
message for you from the D.O.

Oh, you and your letter.

I didn't expect action
from the D.O. this quick.

You sure asked for it.

Sir.

- You sent for me?
- Ah, yes.

I received a radio message from
the district office for you.

Copy of a telegram.

We'll be in port by nightfall,
you can have emergency leave.

Thanks, sir.

Well, thanks.

My name is Lester Pierce.
I was Windy's best friend.

I reckon you're his son.

Yes, sir.

We weren't sure
you could get here

or we would have postponed
the service till you arrived.

Thank you.

Jo.

Hello, Al.

How'd you get here?
How'd you know--

It was in The Clarion paper.

I work for a clipping service
and ran across it.

I just can't get
over you being here.

At first,
I thought it was you

until I read the part
about his only son

being in the Coast Guard.

I really don't know
why I came.

I guess I just
wanted to see you.

Jo..

Stop punishing yourself, Al.

I was a worse son
than he was a father.

Sorry I didn't try harder.

Mr. Pierce told me that pop
repeated all my letters to him

word for word.

Truth is, I only
wrote to him once

the whole time I've been
in the Coast Guard.

He had to make-up
all those other letters

he wanted from me
so much.

I keep thinking of all that
gifts, now that it's too late.

I remember something Mark Twain
said about his father.

When I was 18, I was
always embarrassed

by what a fool
my father was.

When I was 21,
I was surprised to see

how much the old man
had learned in three years.

- Do you like Boston?
- It's okay.

I spend most of my time
between the ship

and a place called
The Oval Bar.

I wish you could come there.

I've missed you, Jo.

Oh, I missed you too.

I've though so often
about seeing you again.

It was one of my
favorite day dreams.

What a pity, it had to be
at a time like this.

You're so
beautifully it hurts.

You're just a poor
lonely sailor

and any old girl
will look beautiful to you.

You're the only one
I want.

We're right for each other,
that's obvious, isn't it, Jo?

I don't really know.

It was wonderful
being with you.

But perhaps, part of it was
knowing we had so short a time.

I know now, there was never
anyone else for me.

Never could be.

- Jo, let's get married.
- Not like this, Al.

I want a chance
to think.

I love you, Jo.
I love you.

If you love me,
what's there to think about?

Now, I think I do.

But no one knows
when the world will end.

We can be separated
for a long time.

People change.
You might meet someone else.

Board.

I'm not going
to leave like this.

Al, please,
get on the train.

Then promise me
you'll come to Boston soon.

I don't know.
I don't know.

- Promise you'll wait for me.
- Al, the train.

Promise me, you won't say "no"
till I see you again.

- Nobody else till then.
- Alright, I promise.

I'm sure Agnelli
wouldn't give me wrong steer.

You have some more.

- Hamburger!
- Okhi. Great to see you.

This calls for a drink,
same thing all around.

And one more.

I want you to meet
my old buddy, Al.

- Hi, Al.
- Hi.

He's on the pleasure ship.
The Periwinkle.

- My treat.
- Hey, how's Wildoe?

Uh, love has
slowed him down.

He don't do nothing
in that galley.

Hey.

If it ain't
Old Cinnamon Rolls himself.

- How are you, mate?
- I'm fine.

- Hello, Al.
- Hi, Stella.

Couple of bourbons, straight.

Well, how do you think she looks
for an old married lady?

Very nice.

Here's to you, honey.

Like that sweater?
I brought it back from Scotland.

Great.

Greatest little wife
in the whole world.

Insisted on coming down here
to see me off.

- Didn't you, honey?
- Uh-huh..

Well, Red,
gotta be shovin' off.

- Bye, Stella.
- Bye.

- So long, Hamburger.
- See you, Okhi.

- Bye, Al.
- Goodnight.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Appreciate it if you
take Stella home.

I don't like to see her
out alone at night.

Thanks.

Come on,
I'll take you home.

Let's dance a while, Al.
For old times sake.

I'm sort of bushed,
do you mind?

I don't mind anything
you do, Al.

Pardon me, miss.
Haven't we met before?

We met.

Goodnight, Stella.

Don't be like that, Al.

The empty apartment always gives
me the willies when Red leaves.

What's the harm
in having one drink with me?

Okay.

I'm looking
for a bigger place.

Can't get used to a bed
in the living room.

Sit down, why don't you?

I'll fix up that drink.

Where have you been
keeping yourself?

Out of trouble.

Good scotch.

Sweater itches me.

My skin's super sensitive.

Stella.

- What's the matter?
- Now get this straight.

I brought you home
as a favor to Red. You might--

Uh, I married the wrong guy.

It should have been you.

I don't care what you think,
but love me, love me.

Get away from me.

Other guys've had unfaithful
wives, but you're not even that.

I pity Red.

Al..

...pity me.

For what?

For being a cheap,
dirty little tramp?

You think I want
to be like this?

Don't you think
I'd like to be happy

and find love
like other woman?

Don't you think I'd like
to be satisfied with one man?

You-you, don't know
what it's all about.

I can't help what I am.

I was born this way.

One look at me and every man
thinks I'm made for love.

Well, that's a laugh.

Because I'm just the opposite.

I'll never know
the meaning of love.

But I want to know.

'I want to know.'

I really liked you, Al.

I kept thinking..

...maybe..

Maybe it would be
different with you.

- Stella, I--
- Beat it, Al.

Let me alone.

Hello.

Jo.

Jo, honey,
darling, sweetheart.

- Are you drunk, Al?
- No, I'm not drunk.

I had to talk to you.
I need you bad, Jo darling.

- Please, marry me.
- Okay.

I've just about
made up my mind, Al.

You will? You mean it?

You're not kidding me, Jo?

Well, it'll take me few days
to get organized.

Oh, Jo, honey, just hurry up
and get here, will you?

Hurry up, sweetheart.

I'll wire you as soon as
I know all the details.

I love you
more than anything.

Well, look, hang up now.

- Bye, darling.
- Bye, Jo.

You must have read
that a million times.

Most beautiful
piece of literature

in the English language.

"Arriving, flight 209,
Thursday night.."

"Meet me at the airport.
All my love, Jo."

What can you expect
from some apes

doomed to a life
of bachelorhood?

See, that's gratitude.
Me, he calls an ape.

The guy who groomed
that beautiful head of his

so he'd look like a human.

You're move, Poz.

Here are the figures
from Higgins' ledger.

Thanks, Dave.

The most our officers
have paid for chow

in the last six months
is $9.50.

Well, when they start
the investigation, just remember

I begged you not to send
that letter out.

Hey, listen to them engines.

Skipper must be
in a big hurry to get back.

Now hear this.
Now hear this.

All hands,
man your battle stations.

This is not a drill.

All hands,
man your battle stations.

This is not a drill.

This is the captain speaking.

Double lookouts on the bow,
the stern, and bridge wings.

The cruise mess will be ready
for the emergency first aid.

Wardroom will be used
as a sick bay for survivors.

We are proceeding
on a rescue mission.

The Algonquin has been
torpedoed and is sinking.

That is all.

That sound gear
gives me the creeps.

Speak to the Secretary of
the Navy next time you see him.

How does that sound
when it picks up a U-boat?

- You know, Al?
- No.

Hope I don't find out.

Object in the water.
20 degrees off the port bow.

It's them.
It's them.

We'll have to stop dead
in the water to pick them up.

Make a juicy target.

Contract. Bering. 124.

Listen.

That thing's going again.

What does it mean, Al?

Probably get the bounce
off Algonquin.

She's down here somewhere.

Oh.

Alright, give 'em a line.

Alright, somebody help
that one man up here, quick.

Get him on a stretcher.
Take him down to sick bay.

Throw a blanket on him.

- All engines ahead full.
- All engines ahead full, sir.

Submarine.
Submarine.

- Holy cow!
- Hey, she's crippled.

Algonquin must have hit her
before she went down.

Help me get the gun down.

As far as she'll go.

No good.

Are we sinking?

No. They hit the buoy deck now.
Turn it loose.

Aye, the way we're listing,
we can use the twenty.

Get another magazine.

Reload, Jake.
Round reload.

I got it, Woods.

You got them.
You got them.

- Right, full rudder.
- Right, full rudder, sir.

We're gonna ram her.

Stand by to ram submarine.

Come in.

Sir, I'd like to speak
with you, alone.

I assure you,
we're quite alone, Woods.

3 o'clock in the morning, I
doubt if anybody else is awake.

I couldn't sleep, sir.

It's alright.
It's okay, sit down.

Care for some hot milk, Woods?

- Alright, sir.
- Sure.

It's good hot, sir.

Everybody knows you boys
usually run on packs.

That's why I ran them.

I never thought I've to spell it
out for naval board of enquiry.

I had to make a split-second
decision and I made it.

The terrible truth is that
after 20 years of saving lives

I didn't want
those people to live.

'So, I condemned the U-boat
screwed to death'

'and I executed them.'

Alright, I saw what
you did up there.

Saw it very clearly.

You gave us the only
effective firepower we had.

'You may have wounded
a few Germans'

'but I killed them.'

And if you have
the silly insubordinate idea

that you're in
any way responsible

get it out of your head.

I alone am totally
responsible for everything

that happens
on board this ship.

Yes, sir.

Something else
troubling you, Woods?

Sir, would you know
how much it cost

to feed an officer
on this ship?

$21 a month.

But actually it costs less
to feed me for obvious reasons.

I guess, that's what
I wanted to know, sir.

This one thing that puzzles
and confounds me, Woods.

Yes, sir?

Why does any man
wanna command this ship?

I wouldn't know, sir.

- Goodnight, sir.
- Goodnight.

What a mess
I've made of things.

Poor, Jo.

Nobody to meet her
at the airport.

She won't know
what happened.

I got to get word to her.
She'll think I deserted her.

She won't.

I'll probably wind up

a pot walloper on
the Merman's front.

Me and my big mouth.

I loused up to Skipper and the
whole crew with that letter.

You can prove
what you wrote, can't you?

Yes, but I made
a terrible mistake.

All the time, I thought
the Skipper

and rest of the officers
were chiseling.

It was only that
thief, Higgins.

- What are you going to do, Al?
- I don't know.

I just don't know.

But I wish I hadn't
sent that letter.

Alvin Woods.

State your name, rate
and present station.

Alvin Woods,
ship's cook

third class,
United States Coast Guard

Periwinkle, sir.

We are here to investigate
the serious charges you made

in the letter
to the district office.

Yes, sir.

Let's start with your
allegation

that the food on this ship
is sub-standard.

Why should that be, Woods?

We got some bad buyers
from procurement, sir.

Procurement is usually blamed

when good food
is ruined in the galley.

You blame it on the quality
of the food purchased. Is it?

That's some of it, sir.

Also, we've had to
cut down on expenses.

Why is that, Woods?

The general mess
is on a hold, sir.

Can you explain
how that happened?

You stated that
the general mess was suffering

because the officers
onboard were paying

$9.50 a month
for their food.

'Now, that's a very
serious charge.'

'I assume you can prove it.'

Well, sir..

No, sir.
I can't.

Do you mean to say,
you concocted this charge

without any basis and fact?

I thought I knew the facts
then, sir, but I was wrong.

'It strikes me, that when
you sent the letter

'you were just looking around
wildly for an excuse

to cover up your
own incompetence.'

- Isn't that so?
- No, sir.

Woods, you've
maliciously impugned

the honor of your
own captain and officers.

More than that, you went
outside of channels to do it.

You could have injured
the reputation of your ship.

Under the circumstances,
the letter you sent

to the district office
is in shockingly bad judgment.

Before we dispose
of the matters

is there anything you'd like
to say in your behalf?

No, sir.

That is all.
You may go.

Sheer rot.
I don't believe it, sir.

The board realized
Woods was just trying

to cover up
his pathetic incompetence.

- He's a congenital liar.
- You're a thief.

Woods, in case you don't realize
that you're being transferred.

So if you expect to marry
that bag, I would--

Striking an officer.
You saw that, Captain.

Striking a commissioned officer.

Stop shouting, Mr. Higgins.
You fell down.

Go to your cabin.

You take this man's
word over an officer's?

I've got some checking
since reserving this, Higgins.

Wardroom mess has been
paying you $21 a month per man.

You only added half
that amount on the ledger.

You pocketed
the difference.

You're not leaving this ship
until you paid back every cent.

And then, I'm gonna see
that you're court-martialed.

But, sir you--

There is no room in the service
for a man like you.

Get out.

Woods.

You're very just
and right.

Being transferred
to the Greenland Poole.

You'll report
there in five days.

Ready to ship out
immediately.

Yes, sir.

You had an excusable
grievance

but you should have laid
your complaint before me.

I know that now, sir.

I appreciate the fact
that when the chips were down

you elected to protect
your ship from scandal.

Say the word and I'll go with
you to the district office

and explain the situation
as I now understand it.

Let's leave things
the way they are, sir.

- Are you sure?
- Yes, sir.

I know what I'm doing...
for once.

Very well.

I'm giving you five days leave
starting as of now.

Now, sir?

Our restriction
has been lifted.

Of course, strict security

concerning our recent
operations still applies.

Yes, sir.

Next time, have faith
in your commanding officer.

Good luck, Woods.

- And find that girl.
- Yes, sir.

Four days now.

Four days, I've been over
every inch of this town.

- Where is she?
- She hasn't gone back.

I checked the airport,
the station, the bus terminal.

Nobody's seen her,
I tell you that.

Hey, maybe she hitch-hiked.

I got an idea.
Tomorrow, we'll--

Tomorrow? Tomorrow morning,
I'll report to the pool.

And this time tomorrow night,
I'll be on my way to Greenland.

Fellow was telling me
they've got dames

in Greenland
and they're...

Jo!

Jo, Jo, Jo.

Oh, Al.

Darling, I didn't know what to
do. Nobody told me anything.

Where have you been?

I love you. I love you.
I love you, I thought
I'd never find you.

How'd you know
about this place?

I remembered you
mentioning it once.

I've come here every night
looking for you.

Oh, what a smart wife
I'm going to have.

Hey, Onionhead,
you forgot your shoes.