One More Time (1970) - full transcript
Two night club owners find themselves in trouble with the law. One of them goes to his English Lord brother for help, and the Lord is later murdered. He swaps places with his dead brother to solve the murder.
[Bus bell rings]
Shall we forge ahead, sir?
Ha-ha. You mean,
let's get it on.
♪♪[One more time
by Jackie Rae playing]
♪ Salt and Pepper,
that's the name ♪
♪ and we got a claim to fame ♪
♪ We know how to turn you on ♪
♪ you better believe ♪
♪ you won't want us to leave
'til the dawn ♪
♪ like us wheelin' through the night ♪
♪ And you will dig
we 're not uptight ♪
♪ and it really starts
to climb ♪
♪ we're stayin'in line ♪
♪ and we're feeling sublime
one more time ♪
♪ wow! One more time ♪
♪ I said one more time ♪
♪ Salt and Pepper ♪
♪ one more time ♪
♪ Pow! ♪
♪ Man, we're always on the go ♪
♪ and where we're goin',
we don't know ♪
♪ somethin' makes us
wanna move ♪
♪ we're traveling fast ♪
♪ and the feeling will last
while we groove ♪
♪ like us wheelin' through the night ♪
♪ And you will dig
we 're not uptight ♪
♪ and it really starts
to climb ♪
♪ we're stayin'in line ♪
♪ and we're feeling sublime one more time ♪
♪ Wow! One more time ♪
♪ I said one more time ♪
♪ Salt and Pepper ♪
♪ one more time ♪
♪ pow! ♪
♪ Man, we're always on the go ♪
♪ and where we're goin',
we don't know ♪
♪ something makes us
wanna move ♪
♪ and we're travellin' fast ♪
♪ That feelin' will last
while we groove ♪
♪ ha! One more time ♪
♪ ha! One more time
ho! One more time ♪
Hey!
Wait a minute, you two.
New boy.
You can't park here.
This is a police pound.
We know.
No, sir.
I don't think you understand.
This is where
the police tow the cars
that are parked
illegally in the street.
Yes, we know that.
So you can't park here.
Well, officer,
I don't think you understand.
We own the Salt & Pepper Club
around the corner,
and we thought we'd park
in the street out there.
Oh, you can't do that.
It'll get towed away.
Where?
Well, here.
That's it.
We thought we'd bring it in
ourselves and save you the trouble.
Yes, but...
Please, don't try to thank us.
Anything we can do
to help the boys in blue,
sir!
But, ah... but... but...
Later. Good night, officer.
Oh, but... yes, but...
[Crowd bustling]
Quiet, please.
Just a minute. Quiet.
Inspector Crock,
what seems to be the trouble?
I'll tell you
what the trouble is.
It's all right.
So, uh, what's the reason then?
I'll give you one guess,
Mr. Pepper.
I don't need any guesses.
It's simple and plain:
Police persecution.
Charlie, will you cool it?
Cool nothing. Now, get out of
the way, will you, Chris, please?
I'll handle this.
Inspector, let me tell you
something right now.
The last week we've had 3 members
of parliament. Right, Chris?
And 5 lords. 5 lords!
You might as well know now.
I don't get mad often,
but nobody treats
my partner and I this way.
I intend to see
that you get busted.
Here's another fine mess
you've got us into.
I was only trying
to protect you...
(magistrate)
Silence in the dock.
Yes, sir. Thanks.
(Crock) Not to mention
resisting arrest,
and the accused were hostile
and abusive.
(Magistrate) Go on, inspector.
The premises are now
closed and sealed.
The owners will have no access
pending a decision on the
cancellation of its license.
Thank you, Inspector Crock.
Mr. Pepper,
it distresses me to see a
member of a distinguished family
in such a degrading position.
(Magistrate) Your conduct
brings disgrace to a famous,
one might almost say,
revered name.
I know nothing about your
family background, Mr. Salt.
Oh, it was just like everyday,
you know.
I was born in Harlem
a-and my family was on relief.
We used to hang around the
corner, me and the cats,
you know, just goin";
"Hey, babe, what's happening?"
Silence!
The record of this club
is a deplorable one,
showing repeated
and overt violations
of the drinking
and gambling laws.
I find the charges proved.
(Magistrate) You will each be
fined the sum of 500 pounds.
With the alternative
of 6 months in prison.
[Spectators exclaiming]
Have you anything to say?
Yes, your worship.
I would like to ask
for time to pay.
As our assets are frozen,
things are a bit tight.
One week to pay. Yes?
Well, my...
You see, judge,
my ass-assets are frozen, too.
And I would like
about 5 years to pay.
One week.
Yes, sir, I understand.
One week.
You know that don't give us
but 7 days, don't you?
I'm so sorry, milord.
A dreadful day for the family.
More than dreadful, Figg.
It's intolerable.
Something must be done.
Hello, Syd, old boy.
You remember Charlie Salt,
my partner. Don't you?
Yes, of course.
By reputation.
(Sydney) I'm surprised you
had the nerve to come here.
What do you want?
To ask for 500 pounds.
Unless you want
a jailbird for a brother.
And if you could slow it down and
make it 1,000, I'd sure appreciate it.
1,000?
Well, you see, I don't have
a kindhearted brother,
and since we're partners I thought
you could take care of my fine, too.
I will pay your fine,
both your fines
if you will both undertake
to leave within the week
and never to set foot
in England again.
What? What?
This is the last time that
you'll ever get anything from me.
I can't prevent you from
inheriting the title, of course.
Although I wish I could.
The castle will be left
to national trust.
Whatever monies I have
will go to charity.
Oh, who cares!
I can hardly expect you
to do the decent thing
and drop dead any quicker
than I will.
But to suggest throwing me...
This is my country, too!
Yeah, and mine.
Yours?
Yeah. Look, forget about me, ok?
But what about Chris, man?
He's your brother!
I don't have to answer to you,
Mr. Salt.
Those are my conditions
for paying your fine.
If you don't like them,
get someone else.
That's exactly what we'll do.
Come on, Charlie.
Charlie, wait.
Listen, brother dear.
I didn't choose to come into
this world 2 minutes after you
and run 2nd ever since.
I'm tired, too.
What do you think
I'd give to retire
to that damn great castle
and put my feet up, too?
I earned my retirement.
I can't help thinking
that I might've had a little
more sympathy and understanding
had our positions been reversed,
and I was in your shoes.
You're not in my shoes,
Christopher, and never will be.
Well, what are we gonna do
for lunch?
You got any money?
I ain't got a cent.
How would you like to have
lunch at grindle's club?
Grindle's club? Isn't that the club
that your brother had you thrown out of?
You just wait right here.
I've got an idea.
Was everything
to your satisfaction, milord?
Absolutely super, Joseph,
super. Thank you.
And the food was good, too.
Uh, may I have my bill, please?
With pleasure, milord, but
may I sign for you, as usual?
I'll take care of everything.
Oh, that's very,
very kind of you.
Oh, I tell you... By the way,
would you be good enough
to order me a taxi?
My chauffeur has the day off.
With the greatest of pleasure.
Certainly, milord.
Thank you.
J[Music playing]
You did it.
You did it, you pulled it off.
I never... you got the voice,
you look like...
[Engine rumbling]
Thank you, my man.
Hey,
you know what the first thing
I'm going to do is?
All right, tell me.
Tell me the first thing.
Thank him for a lovely lunch.
It was a... It was a good lunch.
And then,
I'm going to tell him exactly
what he can do with his money.
His dimes, nickels,
quarters, and his dollars.
Right.
And then,
to show him our true feelings,
I'm gonna punch him
right in the nose.
[Grunting]
You just go and sit across
the street in the coffee shop.
Right.
[Tires screeching]
[Tires screeching]
[Tires screeching]
[Whistles]
Syd?
Sydney, old boy.
Wherever you are,
I just came to tell...
[Inaudible]
[Phone ringing]
(Chris) What do you
think I'd give to retire
to that damn great castle
and put my feet up, too?
(Operator)emergency. Which
service do you require?
Hello? Who's there?
I can't help thinking
that I might've had little
more sympathy and understanding
had our positions been reversed,
and I was in your shoes.
You're not in my shoes,
Christopher, and never will be.
(Sydney) And never will be.
And never will be.
And never will be.
Why not?
[Siren wailing]
[Tires screeching]
Well, I'd just been downstairs
to get my checkbook.
Well, I was helping him out,
you see.
And when I came back,
he was gone.
I suppose it was a heart attack.
No. Not a heart attack,
Lord Pepper.
No? I presumed.
(Doctor)
No. Your brother was murdered.
Murdered?
[Ambulance siren wailing]
Yes, Mr. Salt.
Your partner's been murdered.
You dirty...
(Crock) All right, let him go!
[Yelling]
(Crock) Let him go!
Are you mad?
He killed him.
You are insane.
Are you all right, milord?
I think so.
How dare you attack his lordship
and make allegations
of that kind.
That ain't no allegation, man.
He killed him. They were alone.
They were not alone.
Someone came in
through that window
and shot him
with a poisoned dart.
A kind of African...
African blowpipe gun.
Now, where were you
during this past hour?
Oh no,
I don't believe this, man.
Sure, I'd Kill him, wouldn't I?
I would kill Chris,
my best friend.
Milord, would you like to charge
this man with malicious assault?
No, just forget it.
[Phone ringing]
Milord, the, uh, the telephone.
[Phone continues ringing]
I'm... i'm... i'm... i'm...
[Phone continues ringing]
(Belton) Lord Pepper?
Speaking.
What's this about delaying your report?
You've been back for 24 hours.
We want it urgently.
Oh... oh... oh, yes... yes.
The report.
Yeah, well, I... I can't talk now.
People are here.
Behaving very oddly.
Didn't sound himself at all.
And the report?
Well, he couldn't talk,
people there.
We'll try him again later.
That will be all
for now, milord.
And thank you
for being so patient.
Thank you, inspector.
Come on, you. Out.
That's all right, inspector.
I want to have a word with him.
Milord, this man is dangerous.
I can take care
of myself and him.
Very good, milord.
You lift one finger
against his lordship,
and I'll send
you down for 5 years.
Milord.
Would you like a drink?
I don't wanna drink with you.
Quite.
I understand how you feel, Salt.
Well, if I were you,
I'd be pretty scared.
My dear fellow, be sensible.
[Clears throat]
Why would I kill Christopher?
Just to save myself 500 pounds?
I don't know.
But I intend to find out.
Look, you wanted to
talk to me. What about?
Well, judging from your rather violent
reaction to my brother's death,
I gather that you were
rather attached to him.
Attached?
Let me tell you something that
you're not gonna understand.
Because, see, I... I never
really understood it myself.
But he liked me.
See, he was the best friend
that I had in the entire world.
He liked me.
Well, uh,
now that he's...
Now that you're by yourself,
what are you going to do?
6 months, remember?
Oh, you...
You needn't.
I... I mean, I'll pay your fine.
And you can come and work for
me at... at Pepperworth Castle.
Why? Particularly, why me?
Oh, well...
Perhaps I misjudged you. You... you
seem like a loyal sort of fellow,
and... I need someone like that.
What for, man,
to lower the drawbridge?
No, no,
nothing menial, I assure you.
I'm planning a lot of changes
down there, you see.
And I need a sort of...
Well, a controller.
Someone who can run the estate.
Well, it's better than
6 months in jail, isn't it?
Why don't you think it over?
Well,
I don't get it.
But I'll go with it.
'Cause I just gotta find out
what makes that head turn around.
(Preacher) There are some of
US who strive unremittingly
[bell tolling]
To make our gifts precious
acceptable in his sight.
There are others who care not
what they are or what they become.
Christopher Pepper was struck
down in dastardly fashion
at the very prime of life.
I did not know
the deceased personally,
but whatever his earthly life
may have been,
let us pray that he is now in
some place of eternal refreshment
and safely across
the heavenly bar.
Poor old Charlie.
Shall I tell him?
(Preacher)
"I am the resurrection..."
Guess I should.
(Preacher) "He that believeth
in me, though he were dead"
"yet shall he live.
And whosoever liveth and
believeth in me shall never die."
No. Better wait and see
if I get away with it.
You miserable little traitor.
How could you work
for a man like that?
You couldn't say no to a
comfortable pad, could you?
"Yes, milord. No, milord."
Charlie Salt, listen to me.
I never thought
I'd ever say this to you,
but you're the lowest, man.
You're a rat.
In fact, it's worse than that.
You're a stone Uncle Tom.
Well, you listen to me,
and you listen good, baby.
I'll be an Uncle Tom.
I'll be the best one
he's ever had.
I'll run his errands and I'll
shine his shoes. You dig?
Because I have a hunch
he killed Chris.
And if he did,
I'm gonna kill him.
(Preacher)
Even so in Christ shall all...
That's Sydney Pepper, all right.
You killed the wrong man.
How could I tell? They're twins.
He had his back to me.
Well, get him now.
Right. But get him!
All right, all right.
Go on, man,
what are you waiting for?
You missed him, you dope.
He moved his ruddy head.
Well, get him now!
All right, all right.
Well, that bloody turf gave way.
[Shouting]
[Grunting]
[Charlie shouting]
Wait!
[Groaning]
[Grunting]
Charlie!
(Chris) Easy.
[Grunting]
[Charlie shouting]
[Charlie grunting]
[Grunting]
[Charlie exclaiming]
(Chris) And one.
[Charlie and Chris groaning]
Shoo.
[Phone ringing]
Um, um, Salt, would you
answer the phone, please?
If it's some man about a report,
tell him I've lost it.
What?
Lord!
Oh, lord!
(Chris) Don't call
me lord, I'm not god.
Milord,
you ain't gonna believe what
this cat's saying on the phone.
He wants to know
if you're gonna hold your ball.
What?
That's what he said,
and if you ain't gonna hold it,
do you wanna drop it?
Hello?
Oh, yes. Yes, Tombs.
Yes. Yes, a sad day. Thank you.
What?
Oh, yes, yes. Yes, I think
we should proceed with it.
Seeing as it's for charity.
We'll be driving down
after lunch.
Thank you.
A charity ball
at the castle this week.
Milord.
Yes?
Your vest, it was in
the wastepaper basket.
You were going to throw it away?
Yes, I meant to.
You can have it if you want.
Milord, milord, Miss Tomkins
presents her apologies.
Couldn't be here. Gone to town
to the doctor's
about her bad knee.
Thank you, Tombs.
This is the upstairs maid
I was telling you about.
Still has a glint in her eye.
Tomkins, eh? That's a
good bet for you, Salt.
Bad knee, should slow
her down to a mere walk.
Milord, a welcome ginger beer
for you and your friend.
This is our housekeeper, Alice.
(Alice)
I'm terribly sorry, milord.
[Mumbles]
[Bells tolling]
Well, these are...
These are my humble lodgings.
Oh, this doesn't keep you off
the streets, I'll tell you that.
Uh, Tombs, I'd like Mr. Salt
to have the Emperor Suite.
Will you take him along?
Yes. And I'll see you later.
[Door closing]
I'm sure glad
the lord decided to modernize
the bedrooms at least
'cause otherwise a castle like
this can get pretty spooky.
Oh, so sorry, sir,
I neglected to get the key.
I shan't be half a moment, sir.
Don't hurry.
Oh, but I shall, sir.
That's soft.
That's a soft bed, boy.
[Footsteps approaching]
Mr. Salt, let me assist you.
Thank you.
Give me your hand.
I'll help you up.
That's really a soft bed.
But indeed, best down, sir.
Now, sir,
I'd best show you around.
Yeah, I think that's best.
If you come with me, sir.
That's better.
Are you all right, sir?
Oh, I'm right behind you.
Good, that's better.
[Footsteps pattering]
Bathroom here, sir.
Gas hot water geyser here.
Better show you
how it works, hadn't I?
Yeah, I think you better.
You were master
Christopher's partner, sir.
Yes, I was.
Ah, there was a lovely boy.
You liked him?
Liked him? Loved him.
There will never be
another like him.
Tombs, I think you and I
are gonna get along famously.
Any friend of master Christopher's
is a friend of mine, sir.
Thank you.
Now, sir, what you have to do
is to light this little jet
and then you turn the tap in
and the, uh...
The main burners light up.
I see.
Right? Right.
Now, sir, remember.
Little jet first.
[Crashing]
[Springs twanging]
[Grunting]
Was that quite clear, sir?
Or shall I demonstrate again?
Oh, no. No more demonstrations.
I have it all in my mind now.
Yes, but you see, it's very
useful to have a geyser, sir.
I don't want a geezer
or a geyser.
I have no use
for that kind of thing.
Whatever happened to just taps?
You just turn it on,
like hot, cold?
That's all I need.
Do you understand that?
You get hot and cold
from the geyser.
From the geezer? That's right.
I'll use a wash and dry.
I don't really need a tub.
I'll stay this color anyway, no
matter how many times I wash.
So that's it for me.
See, I don't need no geezer,
and I don't need no more
any kind of instructions.
I'm not gonna go see the...
I came across this
in the hall. Is it yours?
Yes, it's mine.
I don't think
you'll be needing it here.
We don't use this kind of
weapon for sporting shooting.
I didn't bring this
for sport, sport.
I brought this
for something else.
And these ain't no blanks.
♪ Where do I go from here ♪
♪ Now that you've gone away? ♪
♪ To tell you the truth,
my friend ♪
♪ I think I've lost my way ♪
♪ And where do I find ♪
♪ That special kind
of laugh that once ♪
♪ We used to share ♪
♪ There's nowhere I know
that I can go ♪
♪ That's gonna take me there ♪
♪ Take me there ♪
♪ What do I do from now on? ♪
♪ I'm on my own ♪
♪ And now this stage ♪
♪ That I stand upon ♪
♪ Is so very empty now ♪
♪ There must come a time ♪
♪ The sun's gonna shine ♪
♪ To warm this sad old heart ♪
♪ Of mine ♪
♪ Just when I don't know ♪
♪ So where do I go from here? ♪
♪ What do I do from now on? ♪
♪ I'm on my own and how ♪
♪ This stage that I stand upon ♪
♪ Is so very empty now ♪
♪ So what happens now? ♪
♪ I wish I could tell ♪
♪ There's just one thing ♪
♪ I know darn well ♪
♪ Where do I go from here? ♪♪
Miss you, pally.
Now look,
I don't like Lord Pepper,
and I don't give a damn
what happens to him personally
but I want his report
before they get him.
Pepper must be aware
of the danger, sir.
So there has to be
a good reason for this delay.
Oh, I see.
While we are waiting
on his lordship's pleasure,
another fortune in diamonds
gets smuggled into the country.
Now, damn it,
you said he was on the verge
of cracking the ring wide open.
That was
the impression he gave us.
I don't want impressions!
I want facts!
Now get someone to Pepper
and get that report.
[Clock ticking]
[Clinking]
[Clock continues ticking]
[Bell clanging]
[Inaudible]
[Clears throat]
I trust
it's to your liking, sir.
Chateau Lafite Rothschild, 1955.
Oh, that's about the same year
you left the kitchen, huh?
Oh, never mind.
Ah, marvelous.
Velvet.
Master Christopher's
favorite, sir.
It's gotta be a groove.
[Clears throat]
[Mumbling] Uh, good morn...
Good evening, Tate, uh, Tombs.
What the devil is that?
Your warm milk, milord.
Oh, thank you.
Would you care
to taste it, milord?
No.
[Exclaims]
Excellent wine, milord.
You should try some.
You don't know
what you're missing.
Perhaps I don't.
Um, maybe I should try some
just this once.
Well, it is your wine.
Uh, why don't you move down here
and bring the bottle with you?
That's a good idea.
Tell me, what did you and Christopher
do in your spare time to relax?
Well, we used to have fun.
There was always, you know,
the blues and the broads.
But most of all, we just sort
of had laughs, that's all.
What else did you two do?
I mean, it couldn't have been
all booze...
Whiskey and girls?
We used to play gin a lot.
Gin rummy.
That Chris.
He was really a champ, man,
I could never beat him.
What fun.
What great fun.
You must teach me.
Milord, Miss Tomkins has
returned from the doctor's
and would like to present
her compliments.
Yes,
then wheel her in, would you?
And prepare the card table
in the library.
Yes, milord.
Miss Tomkins.
I think she's the one
with housemaid's knee.
Good evening, milord.
I'm so sorry I wasn't here
when you arrived.
[Clearing throat] Oh yes...
Uh, it's quite... quite all right.
T-t-this is Mr. Salt.
Mr. Salt? Hello.
I've sorted out
your correspondence.
Um, everything can wait
till the morning.
Uh, uh, good. Good.
Same hour then?
Yes, yes.
Good night, milord. Mr. Salt.
Good night.
Oh, dear. What?
I hate to be a bore, but can
I just ask you one... one thing?
Anything you want, milord.
All right. Well, I have 3 sixes
3 kings and... and 4 aces.
Now w-what does that mean?
You put the cards down on
the table, and you say "gin."
Oh, I see.
Now in that order, I mean,
the kings go first
and then the...
Just put the cards down
on the table, milord.
Oh, very well. There we are.
Now I've gotta count
what I've got in my hand.
10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60,
70, 80. Gin is 30.
And, um... Oh, my goodness.
Double, is it, you said? Yes.
Yes, that's 200.
You've won the first game
on a blitz, milord.
Oh, a blitz?
Yes, that means the other
person didn't get nothing.
I see.
I'm... I'm in that column, I see.
Yes, and this one
is all over for me.
So then we do it again?
Yes, we do it again.
You just deal the cards,
will you, please?
Yes.
[Clock chiming]
Oh, terrible hand. Ghastly.
Oh, that's too bad.
Let's see now.
Will that do for me?
Put this over here.
[Ringing]
I say. Right in the middle.
I do believe it's gin again.
So, Salt,
does it make any difference
if it goes from... from
the ace through to the...
Where... where did you learn
to do that?
Oh, that... that. My old
nanny used to do that.
She had terrible arthritis, she
used to do that all the time.
Nanny.
20, 30, 40, 60,
64 and 6...
♪♪[Humming]
Now, milord,
you will learn a lesson.
The knock card is 4. Watch this.
3 eights, 3 sixes,
4, 3, and a 5, and back at a 4.
I knock with 2.
Oh, I say, splendid.
But what do I do? Uh, oh.
You just count up all
that jazz you have. Yes.
I see 3 sevens, yes.
3 Jacks,
3 fives and that
leaves me with one.
That's an undercut.
What?
That means you get 26 points.
Oh, jolly hockey stick.
Just one more set.
One 3 games across,
because I've gotta get...
What is that? Huh, huh, huh?
Come on, we play.
[Clock chiming] Well, it is
getting awfully sort of late.
And we've got a big, big
day tomorrow, you know.
Big day tomorrow?
Yes. Why don't we just
sort of put it away?
Oh, for a hot bath
and bed, what?
Listen, speaking of baths, mmm?
What am I going to do about one?
Oh, use mine.
Hey, thanks.
In... in there tonight,
you had the wine and playing
cards, you were much like Chris.
It was like
being with him again.
It's a shame you never
knew what a great guy he was.
Well, see you in a minute. Hmm.
[Door opening]
[Door closing]
What's the matter, Sydney?
You look as if
you've never seen me before.
[Sighs]
Well, it has been
quite some time.
[Clears throat]
3 weeks.
Well, come on.
Don't just sit there.
I'm not quite sure...
Darling, you do your best.
[Whistling]
Get up. What is it?
It's Salt. He's coming here
to take a bath.
I must stop him.
[Whistling]
[Chris whistling
through telecom]
[Blowing]
Salt!
[Chris whistling]
(Chris) Salt, you there?
I wish I didn't answer you
because that would mean I wasn't.
Oh, uh, listen,
forget about the bath tonight.
Forget...
Milord, I am dirty.
Oh, then commit yourself
to a laundry.
There's no bath tonight,
that's final.
[Chris whimpering]
[Chris chattering]
[Chris sighing]
[Chris moaning]
[Chris sighing]
(Chris) Oh, you're so beautiful.
[Chris chuckling]
[Chris moaning]
Ah, when I'm with you,
you make me feel
like I'm 17 again.
Yeah, they're
brothers all right.
The same line
that Chris always used.
The same line!
[Gasps]
[Barks]
[Snarling]
[Exclaiming]
♪♪[Humming]
[Gasps]
(Charlie) Milord!
[Exclaims]
Good morning, milord.
[Chuckling]
And how does
the rest of the day find you?
Rotten, thank you.
What do you want?
Nothing, milord, of importance.
I came here merely to tell you
that you were right all along.
Oh, about what?
About everything.
The job, the castle,
the atmosphere.
So you're beginning
to like it down here, huh?
Like it? Like it!
Love it. I love it.
Love it.
You were also right about
Chris, of course. Huh?
Well, he wasn't
a winner at all, was he?
He was a bit of a loser.
[Sniggers]
You've changed your tune,
haven't you?
It's because of you, milord.
I mean, you're the type of man
that I want to be around.
You represent all the...
The great things in life.
You have dignity, society.
You have a great life.
This is livin', babe!
Oh, pardon me, milord.
[Chuckles]
I got carried away there
just for a second.
It is always nice
to have loyal friends
who follow you to the grave,
if not beyond.
Well, milord, you know,
a cheer here and there.
I am a bit of an actor.
But in point of fact,
I didn't like him.
Why not?
Because he didn't like me.
You see, it was a bit
of a game we always played.
You know,
that... that sort of thing.
What I mean is, he cheated
me, I cheated him...
And, of course,
there was always the ladies.
Oh, the beautiful ladies.
[Squeals]
Actually, he was
a bit of a loser there, too.
I say, steady.
No, I mean it actually
because, you see,
he would pick them up
for a couple of weeks,
and then they would drop him,
and then, of course, guess
who they would pick up then?
[Snickers]
Little me.
Oh.
The latest one, what was her name again?
Let me think.
Oh, yes. Janine, Janine.
That was her name.
Oh, he was crazy about her, sir.
Really crazy about her.
I can hear her now,
saying to him:
"Oh, Christopher,
I must leave you now,
I must go home to mother."
Here's the mother
she went home to!
[Guffawing]
Out. Out.
Was it something I said, milord?
Get out.
Was it something I said?
Out! Out!
I want you out of here. Wait a minute.
Wait. Wait. Wait.
I have an idea. What?
Why don't I get out?
Out.
Out!
Anything you say, milord.
But remember,
if you but need a thing,
open up your door and yell for
the twit, and I shall be here.
Can I do anything for you
now, milord, before I leave?
I suggest you get rid of that
ridiculous British accent.
It doesn't suit you.
It doesn't suit me?
It doesn't suit me!
Well, suppose I say to you
that we gonna
meet later on down the line,
we'll simonize our watches, hit
the whole sack of crackerjacks,
throw them in the back, milord.
And I'll see that we have a
meeting at the lodge hall.
And I'll get Ruby Begonia
on the phone there.
♪♪[Humming]
[Exclaiming]
Oh, is he gonna get his now!
[Shrieks]
♪♪[Humming]
Business in South Africa?
Monkey business! You were
never off the horizontal.
I don't know what you're...
Lord Sydney square. Lord
"bam-bam, thank you, ma'am."
But I... I don't know
who's been teaching you,
but you've certainly found
yourself a great mistress.
Some of the boys recommended
you gentlemen very highly.
Said that you're experts at getting
stubborn people to, uh, talk.
They generally sing for us.
They... they generally
sing for us.
Yes, well,
this is the situation.
Pepper was employed by Interpol
to try and bust my outfit,
but I bought him,
and he worked for me instead.
You bought Lord Pepper?
Everyone has a price,
Mr. Wilson.
Mr. Wilson has a price?
You're Mr. Wilson. Oh.
Mr. Gordon, there's a big ball
on at the castle tonight.
All the better. Be able to
slip inside and wait for him.
Now, there's no time to waste.
We've got to get to him first
or else someone else will.
Who?
Interpol?
He probably means Interpol.
Or them, but I was thinking about
Johnny Lee's sister. Kim Lee.
I've just heard that she's hightailed
for England, bent on revenge
and maybe after the diamonds.
No, somehow this outfit
just doesn't go with me.
Oh, on the contrary, sir.
You look exactly
like the chocolate dandy.
Chocolate what?
Chocolate dandy, sir.
Who was he?
W-well-known figure at the
court of Louis XIV, sir.
They do say the king's favorite.
Favorite what?
Well, just... just favorite, sir.
They were known as favorites.
Uh, people the monarchs
took to, you might say.
Did you know him?
Oh, no, sir.
Just missed that one.
It's beautiful, milord.
Bonnie prince Charlie
to the life!
The chocolate dandy.
I can see it now.
Your majesty,
milords and miladies,
welcome to the grand ball.
Bring your arm, make it handy.
For upon my word,
there's the chocolate dandy.
[Screams]
♪ Here comes the judge ♪
♪ Here comes the judge ♪
♪ Here comes the judge
and the judge is coming ♪
♪ Oh, the judge is coming ♪
♪ Oh, the judge is coming ♪
♪ Oh, the judge is coming ♪
♪♪[Music playing]
Lord and lady Chazman.
Hello, Chazman.
[Inaudible]
It's just plain old me, Tombs.
Don't worry, sir.
Sir Charles Salt.
Ah-ha!
I was wondering...
What are you doing?
You don't get introduced,
you live here.
Well, I couldn't help the fact,
milord, that you were here,
to take your hand again is a
thrill that I cannot encounter.
Let me kiss it.
[Laughs]
Sir Charles!
Congratulations on the costume.
So convincing.
Thank you.
Care to join us?
That's terribly decent of you.
Uh, do you
live around here, Salt?
Oh, as a matter of fact,
I happen to be spending some
time with dear old Sydney.
Oh, then you'll be with us
at the meet tomorrow.
For the meat? Oh, we
had fish this afternoon.
[All chuckling]
No, no. The meet.
The opening meet
of the hunting season.
Always held at the castle.
Oh, but, of course.
Tallyho and all that
sort of balderdash.
Oh, care for a pinch?
What?
[People applauding]
Oh.
This is our dance, daddy.
Oh, delighted, my dear.
Excuse me, will you?
Of course, sir.
[Inhaling]
[Grunting]
[Exclaims]
[Sneezing]
[Gasps]
[Exclaiming]
[Shrieks]
[People chattering]
Ladies and gentlemen, in answer
to many requests, here it is:
Ladies' choice.
Choose your own partners.
Hit it, boys.
♪♪[Playing]
I choose you.
Excuse me, please.
I'm cutting in.
I'm Gene Abernathy
from Interpol.
I must see you
alone after the ball.
Excuse me.
[Titters]
Do we, uh,
do we know each other?
Only by reputation, Lord Pepper.
I'm here to settle
a little account with you.
Well, what is your name?
Lee. That's my last name.
Johnny Lee's sister,
and he's still alive.
And kicking I hope.
Did old Johnny come tonight?
[People applauding]
If you'll excuse me.
Very nice to have met you.
I hope I see you again.
Ladies and gentlemen,
presenting Charlie Salt.
♪ Well, you gonna know it ♪
♪ when the feeling hits you ♪
♪ you gonna show it ♪
♪ when it's starting
to get you now ♪
♪ you're gonna think
you're gonna lose your mind ♪
♪ it will even make you
holler just one more time ♪
♪ You go, oh, ho, ho ♪
♪ when the feeling
hits you now ♪
♪ well, you gonna dance ♪
♪ and you gonna shout it ♪
♪ yeah, you're gonna dance ♪
♪ Ain't no doubt about it now ♪
♪ you got the feeling
from morning to night ♪
♪ everything you do
is gonna be all right ♪
♪ you go, oh, ho, ho ♪
♪ when the feeling
hits you now ♪
♪ don't try
to understand the feeling ♪
♪ if you get it in your soul ♪
♪ You know you will get
your head reeling ♪
♪ but just a little bit more
well, you gonna shout ♪
♪ yeah, you gonna shout it ♪
♪ and you gonna dance ♪
♪ ain't no doubt about it ♪
♪ you get the feeling
you're gonna lose you mind ♪
♪ it'll really make you
holler one more time ♪
♪ You go, oh, ho, ho
when the feeling hits you ♪
♪ Well, you gonna dance ♪
♪ And you gotta shout it ♪
♪ Say, you gonna dance ♪
♪ there ain't no doubt
about it now ♪
♪ you get the feeling you're
gonna lose your mind ♪
♪ It'll really make you
holler one more time ♪
♪ You go, oh, ho, ho ♪
♪ When the feeling
hits you now ♪
♪ now everybody go, oh, ho, ho ♪
♪ when the feeling
hits you now ♪
♪ everybody go, oh ♪
♪ ho ♪
♪ ho ♪
♪ when I'm feeling
I said I'm feeling ♪
♪ oh,
everybody got that feeling ♪
♪ right now ♪
♪ oh, yeah ♪
♪ I said,
oh, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
[Crowd cheering]
[People chattering]
[Whistles]
Might as well
get something to read.
Let me see.
All these books
and not one ebony.
Hey.
[Creaking]
[Whistling]
Oh, darkness.
[Woman screaming]
[Groaning]
[Sobbing]
[Chuckling]
[Screaming]
[Glass clinking]
A-ha.
We have a visitor.
Won't you join our little party?
[Screams]
[Panting]
[Sighs]
I knew I had no business
coming into this castle.
I knew it. I should have
never come here.
I'll tell you one thing. You ain't
gonna have trouble with me leaving.
'Cause I'm gonna
leave right now.
You understand that? Never
coming back here. Never no more.
Don't have to worry about it.
This is one cat who's going
back where he belongs.
[Screams]
I've got something to tell you.
You've got something to tell me?
I'm in trouble, it's monstrous.
That's it! You got
monsters in your cellar.
Gene Abernathy from Interpol.
I've been working with them
for the past 6 months.
There was all sorts of valves
and bubbly things and chemicals.
Trying to smash
a diamond smuggling ring.
You know something. I saw it,
but I don't believe it.
What are you carrying on about?
Huh?
I mean, huh?
[Stammering] Oh, it's
about mon-mon-mon-monsters.
You got real monsters, milord,
in your cellar. Real monsters.
I seen them all in the movies.
You got Frankenstein and
Frankenstein's monster, you got Igor...
[Groaning]
And on the table, there's this beautiful
chick, long, blonde hair, going:
"Hey, sweet cakes, how are you?"
And you also got the vampire:
[Exhaling]
"Won't you come in?"
Salt, you're drunk.
You think I'm drunk?
Come with me, please.
Would you, please?
'Cause I'm gonna prove
this once and for all.
Right over there,
against that large bookcase.
What are you talking about?
I am not drunk. I just want
you to do me one small favor.
But... but prepare yourself
for death.
Pull that book,
this one right here.
But be careful now.
[Exclaims]
[Mumbling]
Be careful.
[Mumbles]
What?
[Mumbles]
Well, take a look.
[Mumbles]
Go on.
[Sighs]
[Sobbing]
[Mumbling] I tell you...
Now, come on. Come along.
Come and have a nice lie down.
[Mumbling]
No warnings.
One wrong move, you've had it.
Cool it, lady.
Please, just, just cool it.
I'm too tall to die.
[Chuckles]
What is this, Chinese new year?
I mean, why the firecracker?
Shut up. Now listen
carefully, Mr. Salt.
I've never met Lord Sydney
Pepper before tonight,
but I came 7,000 miles
to see him.
[Chuckles]
7,000 miles?
Isn't that a long way
to go for a blind date?
Not quite blind.
You see, I happen to know where
he has hidden the diamonds.
Diamonds?
[Grunts]
(Gordon)
You didn't murder Johnny Lee.
He's still alive
and told us everything.
[Grunts]
Come on, Chris!
[Barks]
Come on, old buddy.
[Grunts]
Easy.
[Sighing]
Here. Let me put you down.
You called me Chris.
That ain't all
I'm gonna call you
as soon as you're
strong enough to take it.
And you can give up the phony voice,
as well, because I know who you are,
so talk regular, all right?
You really took me
through some changes, pally.
I only put you down, Charlie, 'cause
I didn't wanna get you involved,
in case anything went wrong.
"In case anything went wrong"?
Chris, if you knew how
wrong it went, you'd die.
I mean, really die.
Those friends of yours
are coming back here, man.
I know, they're after
some diamonds or something.
[Sighs]
(Charlie) Let me tell you the
story of big brother, huh.
For starters, he joined
Interpol, double-crossed them.
Then joined the smugglers,
and double-crossed them.
In between times,
half-murders a cat,
and then steals
a million in diamonds.
How's that for a nice,
neat little package?
And all I wanted to do
was put my feet up.
Pal of mine,
those friends of yours will
put your feet up permanently
if you don't leave
the country by tonight.
The Johannesburg police picked up
a badly wounded member of the gang.
[Stuttering] Name of,
uh... uh... Johnny Lee.
He offered to turn
queen's evidence,
and, uh, well, they got
the whole story out of him.
(Crabbe) Lord Pepper of all people.
It's incredible.
Oh, he's a vicious,
dangerous criminal.
And we think he may
be a murderer, too,
that's why we've called
you in, inspector.
Murder? Who?
His brother Christopher.
It'll be guesswork, of course,
but we think Christopher Pepper may
have discovered what he was up to,
and perhaps
tried to blackmail him.
[Sighs]
That would be typical.
And you think Lord Pepper may
have killed him to shut his mouth.
Exactly.
So you're coming with us to
Pepperworth Castle to make the arrest.
♪♪[Bugle blowing]
[Phone ringing]
Hello, Pepperworth one.
This is Kim Lee.
They're after you to kill you.
They know
where the diamonds are.
Forced me to tell them.
Where are they? We've been
looking for them all night.
I can't...
[screams]
Hello?
Hello?
[People chattering]
Hey, Chris,
that was the Chinese chick.
They're gonna have to come in
more than once a week.
Listen. Chris,
will you listen to me?
That was the Chinese chick,
and she's in trouble.
Those guys
know where the diamonds are.
So do we.
A million pounds in diamonds
painted black.
Here, put it back on.
[Sighing]
Time to mount, milord.
Enjoy the hunt, sir.
[Mumbling]
Change of plan. Change of plan.
- We walk out of here as if nothing's wrong.
- Nothing's wrong.
Make a dash for the car,
dash for the car.
And beat it to the nearest police
station, right? Police station.
Million pounds. Chris?
♪♪[Bugle blowing]
Probably all 5 of them are here.
You know what that means?
Yeah, that means they're gonna
shoot the buttons off this vest.
Now I know why you
wanted me to wear it.
- Back to plan one.
- What?
Cross-country.
That means you're gonna
have to ride a horse.
I can't ride, Chris.
Then play it by ear.
I got a flash for you.
My ear can't ride either.
Come on. But, Chris...
They've seen us. Prepare plan 2.
Come on, Charlie.
[Whistling]
No familiarity. No familiarity.
Let's get it now. Come on.
Somehow this don't look right.
[People chattering]
Hold it.
Wait a minute,
I think I'm getting it.
I got it now.
That ain't right.
That's definitely not right.
Get me down from here.
Can you just give me a leg up
like you always?
That's it. That's it.
Ah, I can see. When you know,
see, you know, because...
That ain't it either.
Once again.
Give me your leg up.
Come on, hounds, please.
♪♪[Bugle blowing]
(Man) Come on.
Hello there.
Marvelous day for a hunt,
isn't it?
Having a bit of trouble
with the gout, of course,
but besides that,
looks like a marvelous day.
Shall we go? Tallyho!
You two follow
as best you can in the car.
Everybody set?
[Screams]
I thought you'd never get here.
Come on, give me a leg up.
[Screams]
[Gun firing]
Good morning, sir.
Good morning.
[Man chattering]
Sir, sir, I think, just stop a minute.
Your rear wheel, sir.
I think you have a puncture.
You'd better take a look.
As a matter of fact,
it was turning.
Come back with my wagon!
[Gun firing]
Don't tell me they're making
blasted westerns in England now!
Hopefully they've got a phone.
[Dog barking]
[Birds chirping]
[Boy wailing]
[Arrow whizzing]
[Birds chirping]
Indians!
[Dog barking]
[Screaming]
Get up, good man.
Hold on to this.
I'll put this on
so that nobody can see it.
Uh?
W-What did you say?
I-I've been cut off.
(Charlie) Chris!
Chris! Excuse me.
You won't believe this.
But there's Indians out there,
and they ain't friendly.
What are you raving about?
All right, maybe I didn't see the
monsters, but you can't deny that.
Here, have a drink and cool it.
Chris, I tell you... [gun firing]
All right, Salt,
take off that yellow vest.
Go ahead.
Give him the yellow vest.
Oh.
The yellow vest. Of course.
Just one minute,
sir, because we gonna...
Would I forget you?
What about the belt?
[Gun firing]
Could you come in tomorrow
around 2:00 for a fitting?
Closing time, gentlemen.
Will you come down here?
I'd like to use your phone to report
the most extraordinary happening.
Do speak up, woman,
it's a terrible line.
Is it, is that you, dear? Hmm?
A-anything exciting
happening at home? Hmm?
Hello. Hello. Hello!
We meet again,
Lord Sydney Pepper.
And this time I have a
warrant for your arrest.
Now just a minute, inspector,
I'm not Sydney Pepper.
You must be from Interpol. Hmm.
Well, we've got
a nice little present for you.
A million pounds in diamonds.
The buttons
on that yellow waistcoat.
Right here.
It's too late
to make amends now, Pepper.
[Chuckles]
I'm not Sydney Pepper.
I'm Christopher Pepper.
I took his place
when he was Killed.
Any damned fool can shave off a
moustache and put on a phony one.
You'll have to
do better than that.
(Miss Tomkins)
I can do better than that.
Mmm?
I can prove, without question,
that this man
is not Lord Sydney Pepper.
How?
Could I have a word with you
in private, please?
Yeah.
What do you suppose
she's telling them?
I don't know,
but it must be something big.
[Both chuckling]
Hello, inspector.
Hello, inspector. How are you?
How are you?
Fine, sir.
Why don't you sit down?
Oh, thank you, uh, sir.
[Both chuckling]
Would you join us in a drink?
[Clears throat]
Well, I don't usually drink,
Mr. Pepper... milord.
But seeing as how I'm not on
duty, I don't mind if I do.
Wonderful. Charlie,
will you do the honors?
Of course.
2 scotch and sodas. Ok.
[Chuckles]
I'm laughing
because I'm thinking about the
la-last time I went to this place,
I pulled open this book and I
thought all kinds of things.
I must have been
on some kind of trip.
2 scotch and sodas.
[Creaking]
[Liquid bubbling]
[Whispering] Christopher.
Christopher!
Chris...
What is it?
What's the matter? What?
[Mumbling]
What is the matter with you?
Hello. Hello.
What's going on around there?
[Chuckling]
Oh, nothing, inspector. Suppose
we just put the book back,
and shut the door?
Now come on.
Now, listen, you two,
if what's going on around
there is what I think it is...
It's not what you think it is, inspector.
It's unthinkable.
Will you shut the door.
If what is going on around
there is an illicit still,
I'll send you both down
no matter who you are.
Look, will you
listen to me, inspector?
Inspector!
Remember, I warned you.
And I have warned you.
Smith!
(Smith) Sir?
Yeah.
[Smith screaming]
Now, look, Salt,
what is going on in there?
Let me put it
this way to you, Chris.
I don't think they're gonna
be in our next picture.
Shall we split?
Wait a minute.
What?
Did you say those guys ain't
gonna be in our next picture?
Yeah, why?
Don't you think we ought to finish this
one, before we talk about the next one?
Well, this one's finished.
Look, the diamonds are safe,
the bad guys got theirs, the
2 girls went back to London,
Crock is
where nasty fuzz should be,
and... and you're
Peter Lawford again.
Yes, I know all that.
Well?
But they're still watching.
Hi, there.
My name is Sammy Davis Jr.
♪ From a whip o' will ♪♪
Will you hold it?
Look, if you got it so... If
you got it so well figured out
where are the 2 bad guys that
Gordon hired to knock us off?
Well, we don't
have to explain that.
The audience knows
the picture's over with.
[Gun firing]
Why doesn't somebody
tell them it's over?
Let's move.
You mean, let's get it on.
I mean, let's get it off.
(Both) Yeah!
♪ One more time ♪
♪ I said one more time ♪
♪ Salt and Pepper ♪
♪ one more time ♪
♪ pow! ♪
♪ Man, we're always on the go ♪
♪ and where we're goin',
we don't know ♪
♪ somethin' makes us
wanna move ♪
♪ we're travellin' fast ♪
♪ and the feelin' will last
while we groove ♪
♪ ha! One more time ♪
♪ ha! One more time ♪
♪ ho! One more time ♪
♪ I said one more time ♪
♪ one more time ♪
♪ one more time ♪
♪ Salt and Pepper ♪
♪ one more time ♪
♪ Salt and Pepper ♪
[Gun firing]
Shall we forge ahead, sir?
Ha-ha. You mean,
let's get it on.
♪♪[One more time
by Jackie Rae playing]
♪ Salt and Pepper,
that's the name ♪
♪ and we got a claim to fame ♪
♪ We know how to turn you on ♪
♪ you better believe ♪
♪ you won't want us to leave
'til the dawn ♪
♪ like us wheelin' through the night ♪
♪ And you will dig
we 're not uptight ♪
♪ and it really starts
to climb ♪
♪ we're stayin'in line ♪
♪ and we're feeling sublime
one more time ♪
♪ wow! One more time ♪
♪ I said one more time ♪
♪ Salt and Pepper ♪
♪ one more time ♪
♪ Pow! ♪
♪ Man, we're always on the go ♪
♪ and where we're goin',
we don't know ♪
♪ somethin' makes us
wanna move ♪
♪ we're traveling fast ♪
♪ and the feeling will last
while we groove ♪
♪ like us wheelin' through the night ♪
♪ And you will dig
we 're not uptight ♪
♪ and it really starts
to climb ♪
♪ we're stayin'in line ♪
♪ and we're feeling sublime one more time ♪
♪ Wow! One more time ♪
♪ I said one more time ♪
♪ Salt and Pepper ♪
♪ one more time ♪
♪ pow! ♪
♪ Man, we're always on the go ♪
♪ and where we're goin',
we don't know ♪
♪ something makes us
wanna move ♪
♪ and we're travellin' fast ♪
♪ That feelin' will last
while we groove ♪
♪ ha! One more time ♪
♪ ha! One more time
ho! One more time ♪
Hey!
Wait a minute, you two.
New boy.
You can't park here.
This is a police pound.
We know.
No, sir.
I don't think you understand.
This is where
the police tow the cars
that are parked
illegally in the street.
Yes, we know that.
So you can't park here.
Well, officer,
I don't think you understand.
We own the Salt & Pepper Club
around the corner,
and we thought we'd park
in the street out there.
Oh, you can't do that.
It'll get towed away.
Where?
Well, here.
That's it.
We thought we'd bring it in
ourselves and save you the trouble.
Yes, but...
Please, don't try to thank us.
Anything we can do
to help the boys in blue,
sir!
But, ah... but... but...
Later. Good night, officer.
Oh, but... yes, but...
[Crowd bustling]
Quiet, please.
Just a minute. Quiet.
Inspector Crock,
what seems to be the trouble?
I'll tell you
what the trouble is.
It's all right.
So, uh, what's the reason then?
I'll give you one guess,
Mr. Pepper.
I don't need any guesses.
It's simple and plain:
Police persecution.
Charlie, will you cool it?
Cool nothing. Now, get out of
the way, will you, Chris, please?
I'll handle this.
Inspector, let me tell you
something right now.
The last week we've had 3 members
of parliament. Right, Chris?
And 5 lords. 5 lords!
You might as well know now.
I don't get mad often,
but nobody treats
my partner and I this way.
I intend to see
that you get busted.
Here's another fine mess
you've got us into.
I was only trying
to protect you...
(magistrate)
Silence in the dock.
Yes, sir. Thanks.
(Crock) Not to mention
resisting arrest,
and the accused were hostile
and abusive.
(Magistrate) Go on, inspector.
The premises are now
closed and sealed.
The owners will have no access
pending a decision on the
cancellation of its license.
Thank you, Inspector Crock.
Mr. Pepper,
it distresses me to see a
member of a distinguished family
in such a degrading position.
(Magistrate) Your conduct
brings disgrace to a famous,
one might almost say,
revered name.
I know nothing about your
family background, Mr. Salt.
Oh, it was just like everyday,
you know.
I was born in Harlem
a-and my family was on relief.
We used to hang around the
corner, me and the cats,
you know, just goin";
"Hey, babe, what's happening?"
Silence!
The record of this club
is a deplorable one,
showing repeated
and overt violations
of the drinking
and gambling laws.
I find the charges proved.
(Magistrate) You will each be
fined the sum of 500 pounds.
With the alternative
of 6 months in prison.
[Spectators exclaiming]
Have you anything to say?
Yes, your worship.
I would like to ask
for time to pay.
As our assets are frozen,
things are a bit tight.
One week to pay. Yes?
Well, my...
You see, judge,
my ass-assets are frozen, too.
And I would like
about 5 years to pay.
One week.
Yes, sir, I understand.
One week.
You know that don't give us
but 7 days, don't you?
I'm so sorry, milord.
A dreadful day for the family.
More than dreadful, Figg.
It's intolerable.
Something must be done.
Hello, Syd, old boy.
You remember Charlie Salt,
my partner. Don't you?
Yes, of course.
By reputation.
(Sydney) I'm surprised you
had the nerve to come here.
What do you want?
To ask for 500 pounds.
Unless you want
a jailbird for a brother.
And if you could slow it down and
make it 1,000, I'd sure appreciate it.
1,000?
Well, you see, I don't have
a kindhearted brother,
and since we're partners I thought
you could take care of my fine, too.
I will pay your fine,
both your fines
if you will both undertake
to leave within the week
and never to set foot
in England again.
What? What?
This is the last time that
you'll ever get anything from me.
I can't prevent you from
inheriting the title, of course.
Although I wish I could.
The castle will be left
to national trust.
Whatever monies I have
will go to charity.
Oh, who cares!
I can hardly expect you
to do the decent thing
and drop dead any quicker
than I will.
But to suggest throwing me...
This is my country, too!
Yeah, and mine.
Yours?
Yeah. Look, forget about me, ok?
But what about Chris, man?
He's your brother!
I don't have to answer to you,
Mr. Salt.
Those are my conditions
for paying your fine.
If you don't like them,
get someone else.
That's exactly what we'll do.
Come on, Charlie.
Charlie, wait.
Listen, brother dear.
I didn't choose to come into
this world 2 minutes after you
and run 2nd ever since.
I'm tired, too.
What do you think
I'd give to retire
to that damn great castle
and put my feet up, too?
I earned my retirement.
I can't help thinking
that I might've had a little
more sympathy and understanding
had our positions been reversed,
and I was in your shoes.
You're not in my shoes,
Christopher, and never will be.
Well, what are we gonna do
for lunch?
You got any money?
I ain't got a cent.
How would you like to have
lunch at grindle's club?
Grindle's club? Isn't that the club
that your brother had you thrown out of?
You just wait right here.
I've got an idea.
Was everything
to your satisfaction, milord?
Absolutely super, Joseph,
super. Thank you.
And the food was good, too.
Uh, may I have my bill, please?
With pleasure, milord, but
may I sign for you, as usual?
I'll take care of everything.
Oh, that's very,
very kind of you.
Oh, I tell you... By the way,
would you be good enough
to order me a taxi?
My chauffeur has the day off.
With the greatest of pleasure.
Certainly, milord.
Thank you.
J[Music playing]
You did it.
You did it, you pulled it off.
I never... you got the voice,
you look like...
[Engine rumbling]
Thank you, my man.
Hey,
you know what the first thing
I'm going to do is?
All right, tell me.
Tell me the first thing.
Thank him for a lovely lunch.
It was a... It was a good lunch.
And then,
I'm going to tell him exactly
what he can do with his money.
His dimes, nickels,
quarters, and his dollars.
Right.
And then,
to show him our true feelings,
I'm gonna punch him
right in the nose.
[Grunting]
You just go and sit across
the street in the coffee shop.
Right.
[Tires screeching]
[Tires screeching]
[Tires screeching]
[Whistles]
Syd?
Sydney, old boy.
Wherever you are,
I just came to tell...
[Inaudible]
[Phone ringing]
(Chris) What do you
think I'd give to retire
to that damn great castle
and put my feet up, too?
(Operator)emergency. Which
service do you require?
Hello? Who's there?
I can't help thinking
that I might've had little
more sympathy and understanding
had our positions been reversed,
and I was in your shoes.
You're not in my shoes,
Christopher, and never will be.
(Sydney) And never will be.
And never will be.
And never will be.
Why not?
[Siren wailing]
[Tires screeching]
Well, I'd just been downstairs
to get my checkbook.
Well, I was helping him out,
you see.
And when I came back,
he was gone.
I suppose it was a heart attack.
No. Not a heart attack,
Lord Pepper.
No? I presumed.
(Doctor)
No. Your brother was murdered.
Murdered?
[Ambulance siren wailing]
Yes, Mr. Salt.
Your partner's been murdered.
You dirty...
(Crock) All right, let him go!
[Yelling]
(Crock) Let him go!
Are you mad?
He killed him.
You are insane.
Are you all right, milord?
I think so.
How dare you attack his lordship
and make allegations
of that kind.
That ain't no allegation, man.
He killed him. They were alone.
They were not alone.
Someone came in
through that window
and shot him
with a poisoned dart.
A kind of African...
African blowpipe gun.
Now, where were you
during this past hour?
Oh no,
I don't believe this, man.
Sure, I'd Kill him, wouldn't I?
I would kill Chris,
my best friend.
Milord, would you like to charge
this man with malicious assault?
No, just forget it.
[Phone ringing]
Milord, the, uh, the telephone.
[Phone continues ringing]
I'm... i'm... i'm... i'm...
[Phone continues ringing]
(Belton) Lord Pepper?
Speaking.
What's this about delaying your report?
You've been back for 24 hours.
We want it urgently.
Oh... oh... oh, yes... yes.
The report.
Yeah, well, I... I can't talk now.
People are here.
Behaving very oddly.
Didn't sound himself at all.
And the report?
Well, he couldn't talk,
people there.
We'll try him again later.
That will be all
for now, milord.
And thank you
for being so patient.
Thank you, inspector.
Come on, you. Out.
That's all right, inspector.
I want to have a word with him.
Milord, this man is dangerous.
I can take care
of myself and him.
Very good, milord.
You lift one finger
against his lordship,
and I'll send
you down for 5 years.
Milord.
Would you like a drink?
I don't wanna drink with you.
Quite.
I understand how you feel, Salt.
Well, if I were you,
I'd be pretty scared.
My dear fellow, be sensible.
[Clears throat]
Why would I kill Christopher?
Just to save myself 500 pounds?
I don't know.
But I intend to find out.
Look, you wanted to
talk to me. What about?
Well, judging from your rather violent
reaction to my brother's death,
I gather that you were
rather attached to him.
Attached?
Let me tell you something that
you're not gonna understand.
Because, see, I... I never
really understood it myself.
But he liked me.
See, he was the best friend
that I had in the entire world.
He liked me.
Well, uh,
now that he's...
Now that you're by yourself,
what are you going to do?
6 months, remember?
Oh, you...
You needn't.
I... I mean, I'll pay your fine.
And you can come and work for
me at... at Pepperworth Castle.
Why? Particularly, why me?
Oh, well...
Perhaps I misjudged you. You... you
seem like a loyal sort of fellow,
and... I need someone like that.
What for, man,
to lower the drawbridge?
No, no,
nothing menial, I assure you.
I'm planning a lot of changes
down there, you see.
And I need a sort of...
Well, a controller.
Someone who can run the estate.
Well, it's better than
6 months in jail, isn't it?
Why don't you think it over?
Well,
I don't get it.
But I'll go with it.
'Cause I just gotta find out
what makes that head turn around.
(Preacher) There are some of
US who strive unremittingly
[bell tolling]
To make our gifts precious
acceptable in his sight.
There are others who care not
what they are or what they become.
Christopher Pepper was struck
down in dastardly fashion
at the very prime of life.
I did not know
the deceased personally,
but whatever his earthly life
may have been,
let us pray that he is now in
some place of eternal refreshment
and safely across
the heavenly bar.
Poor old Charlie.
Shall I tell him?
(Preacher)
"I am the resurrection..."
Guess I should.
(Preacher) "He that believeth
in me, though he were dead"
"yet shall he live.
And whosoever liveth and
believeth in me shall never die."
No. Better wait and see
if I get away with it.
You miserable little traitor.
How could you work
for a man like that?
You couldn't say no to a
comfortable pad, could you?
"Yes, milord. No, milord."
Charlie Salt, listen to me.
I never thought
I'd ever say this to you,
but you're the lowest, man.
You're a rat.
In fact, it's worse than that.
You're a stone Uncle Tom.
Well, you listen to me,
and you listen good, baby.
I'll be an Uncle Tom.
I'll be the best one
he's ever had.
I'll run his errands and I'll
shine his shoes. You dig?
Because I have a hunch
he killed Chris.
And if he did,
I'm gonna kill him.
(Preacher)
Even so in Christ shall all...
That's Sydney Pepper, all right.
You killed the wrong man.
How could I tell? They're twins.
He had his back to me.
Well, get him now.
Right. But get him!
All right, all right.
Go on, man,
what are you waiting for?
You missed him, you dope.
He moved his ruddy head.
Well, get him now!
All right, all right.
Well, that bloody turf gave way.
[Shouting]
[Grunting]
[Charlie shouting]
Wait!
[Groaning]
[Grunting]
Charlie!
(Chris) Easy.
[Grunting]
[Charlie shouting]
[Charlie grunting]
[Grunting]
[Charlie exclaiming]
(Chris) And one.
[Charlie and Chris groaning]
Shoo.
[Phone ringing]
Um, um, Salt, would you
answer the phone, please?
If it's some man about a report,
tell him I've lost it.
What?
Lord!
Oh, lord!
(Chris) Don't call
me lord, I'm not god.
Milord,
you ain't gonna believe what
this cat's saying on the phone.
He wants to know
if you're gonna hold your ball.
What?
That's what he said,
and if you ain't gonna hold it,
do you wanna drop it?
Hello?
Oh, yes. Yes, Tombs.
Yes. Yes, a sad day. Thank you.
What?
Oh, yes, yes. Yes, I think
we should proceed with it.
Seeing as it's for charity.
We'll be driving down
after lunch.
Thank you.
A charity ball
at the castle this week.
Milord.
Yes?
Your vest, it was in
the wastepaper basket.
You were going to throw it away?
Yes, I meant to.
You can have it if you want.
Milord, milord, Miss Tomkins
presents her apologies.
Couldn't be here. Gone to town
to the doctor's
about her bad knee.
Thank you, Tombs.
This is the upstairs maid
I was telling you about.
Still has a glint in her eye.
Tomkins, eh? That's a
good bet for you, Salt.
Bad knee, should slow
her down to a mere walk.
Milord, a welcome ginger beer
for you and your friend.
This is our housekeeper, Alice.
(Alice)
I'm terribly sorry, milord.
[Mumbles]
[Bells tolling]
Well, these are...
These are my humble lodgings.
Oh, this doesn't keep you off
the streets, I'll tell you that.
Uh, Tombs, I'd like Mr. Salt
to have the Emperor Suite.
Will you take him along?
Yes. And I'll see you later.
[Door closing]
I'm sure glad
the lord decided to modernize
the bedrooms at least
'cause otherwise a castle like
this can get pretty spooky.
Oh, so sorry, sir,
I neglected to get the key.
I shan't be half a moment, sir.
Don't hurry.
Oh, but I shall, sir.
That's soft.
That's a soft bed, boy.
[Footsteps approaching]
Mr. Salt, let me assist you.
Thank you.
Give me your hand.
I'll help you up.
That's really a soft bed.
But indeed, best down, sir.
Now, sir,
I'd best show you around.
Yeah, I think that's best.
If you come with me, sir.
That's better.
Are you all right, sir?
Oh, I'm right behind you.
Good, that's better.
[Footsteps pattering]
Bathroom here, sir.
Gas hot water geyser here.
Better show you
how it works, hadn't I?
Yeah, I think you better.
You were master
Christopher's partner, sir.
Yes, I was.
Ah, there was a lovely boy.
You liked him?
Liked him? Loved him.
There will never be
another like him.
Tombs, I think you and I
are gonna get along famously.
Any friend of master Christopher's
is a friend of mine, sir.
Thank you.
Now, sir, what you have to do
is to light this little jet
and then you turn the tap in
and the, uh...
The main burners light up.
I see.
Right? Right.
Now, sir, remember.
Little jet first.
[Crashing]
[Springs twanging]
[Grunting]
Was that quite clear, sir?
Or shall I demonstrate again?
Oh, no. No more demonstrations.
I have it all in my mind now.
Yes, but you see, it's very
useful to have a geyser, sir.
I don't want a geezer
or a geyser.
I have no use
for that kind of thing.
Whatever happened to just taps?
You just turn it on,
like hot, cold?
That's all I need.
Do you understand that?
You get hot and cold
from the geyser.
From the geezer? That's right.
I'll use a wash and dry.
I don't really need a tub.
I'll stay this color anyway, no
matter how many times I wash.
So that's it for me.
See, I don't need no geezer,
and I don't need no more
any kind of instructions.
I'm not gonna go see the...
I came across this
in the hall. Is it yours?
Yes, it's mine.
I don't think
you'll be needing it here.
We don't use this kind of
weapon for sporting shooting.
I didn't bring this
for sport, sport.
I brought this
for something else.
And these ain't no blanks.
♪ Where do I go from here ♪
♪ Now that you've gone away? ♪
♪ To tell you the truth,
my friend ♪
♪ I think I've lost my way ♪
♪ And where do I find ♪
♪ That special kind
of laugh that once ♪
♪ We used to share ♪
♪ There's nowhere I know
that I can go ♪
♪ That's gonna take me there ♪
♪ Take me there ♪
♪ What do I do from now on? ♪
♪ I'm on my own ♪
♪ And now this stage ♪
♪ That I stand upon ♪
♪ Is so very empty now ♪
♪ There must come a time ♪
♪ The sun's gonna shine ♪
♪ To warm this sad old heart ♪
♪ Of mine ♪
♪ Just when I don't know ♪
♪ So where do I go from here? ♪
♪ What do I do from now on? ♪
♪ I'm on my own and how ♪
♪ This stage that I stand upon ♪
♪ Is so very empty now ♪
♪ So what happens now? ♪
♪ I wish I could tell ♪
♪ There's just one thing ♪
♪ I know darn well ♪
♪ Where do I go from here? ♪♪
Miss you, pally.
Now look,
I don't like Lord Pepper,
and I don't give a damn
what happens to him personally
but I want his report
before they get him.
Pepper must be aware
of the danger, sir.
So there has to be
a good reason for this delay.
Oh, I see.
While we are waiting
on his lordship's pleasure,
another fortune in diamonds
gets smuggled into the country.
Now, damn it,
you said he was on the verge
of cracking the ring wide open.
That was
the impression he gave us.
I don't want impressions!
I want facts!
Now get someone to Pepper
and get that report.
[Clock ticking]
[Clinking]
[Clock continues ticking]
[Bell clanging]
[Inaudible]
[Clears throat]
I trust
it's to your liking, sir.
Chateau Lafite Rothschild, 1955.
Oh, that's about the same year
you left the kitchen, huh?
Oh, never mind.
Ah, marvelous.
Velvet.
Master Christopher's
favorite, sir.
It's gotta be a groove.
[Clears throat]
[Mumbling] Uh, good morn...
Good evening, Tate, uh, Tombs.
What the devil is that?
Your warm milk, milord.
Oh, thank you.
Would you care
to taste it, milord?
No.
[Exclaims]
Excellent wine, milord.
You should try some.
You don't know
what you're missing.
Perhaps I don't.
Um, maybe I should try some
just this once.
Well, it is your wine.
Uh, why don't you move down here
and bring the bottle with you?
That's a good idea.
Tell me, what did you and Christopher
do in your spare time to relax?
Well, we used to have fun.
There was always, you know,
the blues and the broads.
But most of all, we just sort
of had laughs, that's all.
What else did you two do?
I mean, it couldn't have been
all booze...
Whiskey and girls?
We used to play gin a lot.
Gin rummy.
That Chris.
He was really a champ, man,
I could never beat him.
What fun.
What great fun.
You must teach me.
Milord, Miss Tomkins has
returned from the doctor's
and would like to present
her compliments.
Yes,
then wheel her in, would you?
And prepare the card table
in the library.
Yes, milord.
Miss Tomkins.
I think she's the one
with housemaid's knee.
Good evening, milord.
I'm so sorry I wasn't here
when you arrived.
[Clearing throat] Oh yes...
Uh, it's quite... quite all right.
T-t-this is Mr. Salt.
Mr. Salt? Hello.
I've sorted out
your correspondence.
Um, everything can wait
till the morning.
Uh, uh, good. Good.
Same hour then?
Yes, yes.
Good night, milord. Mr. Salt.
Good night.
Oh, dear. What?
I hate to be a bore, but can
I just ask you one... one thing?
Anything you want, milord.
All right. Well, I have 3 sixes
3 kings and... and 4 aces.
Now w-what does that mean?
You put the cards down on
the table, and you say "gin."
Oh, I see.
Now in that order, I mean,
the kings go first
and then the...
Just put the cards down
on the table, milord.
Oh, very well. There we are.
Now I've gotta count
what I've got in my hand.
10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60,
70, 80. Gin is 30.
And, um... Oh, my goodness.
Double, is it, you said? Yes.
Yes, that's 200.
You've won the first game
on a blitz, milord.
Oh, a blitz?
Yes, that means the other
person didn't get nothing.
I see.
I'm... I'm in that column, I see.
Yes, and this one
is all over for me.
So then we do it again?
Yes, we do it again.
You just deal the cards,
will you, please?
Yes.
[Clock chiming]
Oh, terrible hand. Ghastly.
Oh, that's too bad.
Let's see now.
Will that do for me?
Put this over here.
[Ringing]
I say. Right in the middle.
I do believe it's gin again.
So, Salt,
does it make any difference
if it goes from... from
the ace through to the...
Where... where did you learn
to do that?
Oh, that... that. My old
nanny used to do that.
She had terrible arthritis, she
used to do that all the time.
Nanny.
20, 30, 40, 60,
64 and 6...
♪♪[Humming]
Now, milord,
you will learn a lesson.
The knock card is 4. Watch this.
3 eights, 3 sixes,
4, 3, and a 5, and back at a 4.
I knock with 2.
Oh, I say, splendid.
But what do I do? Uh, oh.
You just count up all
that jazz you have. Yes.
I see 3 sevens, yes.
3 Jacks,
3 fives and that
leaves me with one.
That's an undercut.
What?
That means you get 26 points.
Oh, jolly hockey stick.
Just one more set.
One 3 games across,
because I've gotta get...
What is that? Huh, huh, huh?
Come on, we play.
[Clock chiming] Well, it is
getting awfully sort of late.
And we've got a big, big
day tomorrow, you know.
Big day tomorrow?
Yes. Why don't we just
sort of put it away?
Oh, for a hot bath
and bed, what?
Listen, speaking of baths, mmm?
What am I going to do about one?
Oh, use mine.
Hey, thanks.
In... in there tonight,
you had the wine and playing
cards, you were much like Chris.
It was like
being with him again.
It's a shame you never
knew what a great guy he was.
Well, see you in a minute. Hmm.
[Door opening]
[Door closing]
What's the matter, Sydney?
You look as if
you've never seen me before.
[Sighs]
Well, it has been
quite some time.
[Clears throat]
3 weeks.
Well, come on.
Don't just sit there.
I'm not quite sure...
Darling, you do your best.
[Whistling]
Get up. What is it?
It's Salt. He's coming here
to take a bath.
I must stop him.
[Whistling]
[Chris whistling
through telecom]
[Blowing]
Salt!
[Chris whistling]
(Chris) Salt, you there?
I wish I didn't answer you
because that would mean I wasn't.
Oh, uh, listen,
forget about the bath tonight.
Forget...
Milord, I am dirty.
Oh, then commit yourself
to a laundry.
There's no bath tonight,
that's final.
[Chris whimpering]
[Chris chattering]
[Chris sighing]
[Chris moaning]
[Chris sighing]
(Chris) Oh, you're so beautiful.
[Chris chuckling]
[Chris moaning]
Ah, when I'm with you,
you make me feel
like I'm 17 again.
Yeah, they're
brothers all right.
The same line
that Chris always used.
The same line!
[Gasps]
[Barks]
[Snarling]
[Exclaiming]
♪♪[Humming]
[Gasps]
(Charlie) Milord!
[Exclaims]
Good morning, milord.
[Chuckling]
And how does
the rest of the day find you?
Rotten, thank you.
What do you want?
Nothing, milord, of importance.
I came here merely to tell you
that you were right all along.
Oh, about what?
About everything.
The job, the castle,
the atmosphere.
So you're beginning
to like it down here, huh?
Like it? Like it!
Love it. I love it.
Love it.
You were also right about
Chris, of course. Huh?
Well, he wasn't
a winner at all, was he?
He was a bit of a loser.
[Sniggers]
You've changed your tune,
haven't you?
It's because of you, milord.
I mean, you're the type of man
that I want to be around.
You represent all the...
The great things in life.
You have dignity, society.
You have a great life.
This is livin', babe!
Oh, pardon me, milord.
[Chuckles]
I got carried away there
just for a second.
It is always nice
to have loyal friends
who follow you to the grave,
if not beyond.
Well, milord, you know,
a cheer here and there.
I am a bit of an actor.
But in point of fact,
I didn't like him.
Why not?
Because he didn't like me.
You see, it was a bit
of a game we always played.
You know,
that... that sort of thing.
What I mean is, he cheated
me, I cheated him...
And, of course,
there was always the ladies.
Oh, the beautiful ladies.
[Squeals]
Actually, he was
a bit of a loser there, too.
I say, steady.
No, I mean it actually
because, you see,
he would pick them up
for a couple of weeks,
and then they would drop him,
and then, of course, guess
who they would pick up then?
[Snickers]
Little me.
Oh.
The latest one, what was her name again?
Let me think.
Oh, yes. Janine, Janine.
That was her name.
Oh, he was crazy about her, sir.
Really crazy about her.
I can hear her now,
saying to him:
"Oh, Christopher,
I must leave you now,
I must go home to mother."
Here's the mother
she went home to!
[Guffawing]
Out. Out.
Was it something I said, milord?
Get out.
Was it something I said?
Out! Out!
I want you out of here. Wait a minute.
Wait. Wait. Wait.
I have an idea. What?
Why don't I get out?
Out.
Out!
Anything you say, milord.
But remember,
if you but need a thing,
open up your door and yell for
the twit, and I shall be here.
Can I do anything for you
now, milord, before I leave?
I suggest you get rid of that
ridiculous British accent.
It doesn't suit you.
It doesn't suit me?
It doesn't suit me!
Well, suppose I say to you
that we gonna
meet later on down the line,
we'll simonize our watches, hit
the whole sack of crackerjacks,
throw them in the back, milord.
And I'll see that we have a
meeting at the lodge hall.
And I'll get Ruby Begonia
on the phone there.
♪♪[Humming]
[Exclaiming]
Oh, is he gonna get his now!
[Shrieks]
♪♪[Humming]
Business in South Africa?
Monkey business! You were
never off the horizontal.
I don't know what you're...
Lord Sydney square. Lord
"bam-bam, thank you, ma'am."
But I... I don't know
who's been teaching you,
but you've certainly found
yourself a great mistress.
Some of the boys recommended
you gentlemen very highly.
Said that you're experts at getting
stubborn people to, uh, talk.
They generally sing for us.
They... they generally
sing for us.
Yes, well,
this is the situation.
Pepper was employed by Interpol
to try and bust my outfit,
but I bought him,
and he worked for me instead.
You bought Lord Pepper?
Everyone has a price,
Mr. Wilson.
Mr. Wilson has a price?
You're Mr. Wilson. Oh.
Mr. Gordon, there's a big ball
on at the castle tonight.
All the better. Be able to
slip inside and wait for him.
Now, there's no time to waste.
We've got to get to him first
or else someone else will.
Who?
Interpol?
He probably means Interpol.
Or them, but I was thinking about
Johnny Lee's sister. Kim Lee.
I've just heard that she's hightailed
for England, bent on revenge
and maybe after the diamonds.
No, somehow this outfit
just doesn't go with me.
Oh, on the contrary, sir.
You look exactly
like the chocolate dandy.
Chocolate what?
Chocolate dandy, sir.
Who was he?
W-well-known figure at the
court of Louis XIV, sir.
They do say the king's favorite.
Favorite what?
Well, just... just favorite, sir.
They were known as favorites.
Uh, people the monarchs
took to, you might say.
Did you know him?
Oh, no, sir.
Just missed that one.
It's beautiful, milord.
Bonnie prince Charlie
to the life!
The chocolate dandy.
I can see it now.
Your majesty,
milords and miladies,
welcome to the grand ball.
Bring your arm, make it handy.
For upon my word,
there's the chocolate dandy.
[Screams]
♪ Here comes the judge ♪
♪ Here comes the judge ♪
♪ Here comes the judge
and the judge is coming ♪
♪ Oh, the judge is coming ♪
♪ Oh, the judge is coming ♪
♪ Oh, the judge is coming ♪
♪♪[Music playing]
Lord and lady Chazman.
Hello, Chazman.
[Inaudible]
It's just plain old me, Tombs.
Don't worry, sir.
Sir Charles Salt.
Ah-ha!
I was wondering...
What are you doing?
You don't get introduced,
you live here.
Well, I couldn't help the fact,
milord, that you were here,
to take your hand again is a
thrill that I cannot encounter.
Let me kiss it.
[Laughs]
Sir Charles!
Congratulations on the costume.
So convincing.
Thank you.
Care to join us?
That's terribly decent of you.
Uh, do you
live around here, Salt?
Oh, as a matter of fact,
I happen to be spending some
time with dear old Sydney.
Oh, then you'll be with us
at the meet tomorrow.
For the meat? Oh, we
had fish this afternoon.
[All chuckling]
No, no. The meet.
The opening meet
of the hunting season.
Always held at the castle.
Oh, but, of course.
Tallyho and all that
sort of balderdash.
Oh, care for a pinch?
What?
[People applauding]
Oh.
This is our dance, daddy.
Oh, delighted, my dear.
Excuse me, will you?
Of course, sir.
[Inhaling]
[Grunting]
[Exclaims]
[Sneezing]
[Gasps]
[Exclaiming]
[Shrieks]
[People chattering]
Ladies and gentlemen, in answer
to many requests, here it is:
Ladies' choice.
Choose your own partners.
Hit it, boys.
♪♪[Playing]
I choose you.
Excuse me, please.
I'm cutting in.
I'm Gene Abernathy
from Interpol.
I must see you
alone after the ball.
Excuse me.
[Titters]
Do we, uh,
do we know each other?
Only by reputation, Lord Pepper.
I'm here to settle
a little account with you.
Well, what is your name?
Lee. That's my last name.
Johnny Lee's sister,
and he's still alive.
And kicking I hope.
Did old Johnny come tonight?
[People applauding]
If you'll excuse me.
Very nice to have met you.
I hope I see you again.
Ladies and gentlemen,
presenting Charlie Salt.
♪ Well, you gonna know it ♪
♪ when the feeling hits you ♪
♪ you gonna show it ♪
♪ when it's starting
to get you now ♪
♪ you're gonna think
you're gonna lose your mind ♪
♪ it will even make you
holler just one more time ♪
♪ You go, oh, ho, ho ♪
♪ when the feeling
hits you now ♪
♪ well, you gonna dance ♪
♪ and you gonna shout it ♪
♪ yeah, you're gonna dance ♪
♪ Ain't no doubt about it now ♪
♪ you got the feeling
from morning to night ♪
♪ everything you do
is gonna be all right ♪
♪ you go, oh, ho, ho ♪
♪ when the feeling
hits you now ♪
♪ don't try
to understand the feeling ♪
♪ if you get it in your soul ♪
♪ You know you will get
your head reeling ♪
♪ but just a little bit more
well, you gonna shout ♪
♪ yeah, you gonna shout it ♪
♪ and you gonna dance ♪
♪ ain't no doubt about it ♪
♪ you get the feeling
you're gonna lose you mind ♪
♪ it'll really make you
holler one more time ♪
♪ You go, oh, ho, ho
when the feeling hits you ♪
♪ Well, you gonna dance ♪
♪ And you gotta shout it ♪
♪ Say, you gonna dance ♪
♪ there ain't no doubt
about it now ♪
♪ you get the feeling you're
gonna lose your mind ♪
♪ It'll really make you
holler one more time ♪
♪ You go, oh, ho, ho ♪
♪ When the feeling
hits you now ♪
♪ now everybody go, oh, ho, ho ♪
♪ when the feeling
hits you now ♪
♪ everybody go, oh ♪
♪ ho ♪
♪ ho ♪
♪ when I'm feeling
I said I'm feeling ♪
♪ oh,
everybody got that feeling ♪
♪ right now ♪
♪ oh, yeah ♪
♪ I said,
oh, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
[Crowd cheering]
[People chattering]
[Whistles]
Might as well
get something to read.
Let me see.
All these books
and not one ebony.
Hey.
[Creaking]
[Whistling]
Oh, darkness.
[Woman screaming]
[Groaning]
[Sobbing]
[Chuckling]
[Screaming]
[Glass clinking]
A-ha.
We have a visitor.
Won't you join our little party?
[Screams]
[Panting]
[Sighs]
I knew I had no business
coming into this castle.
I knew it. I should have
never come here.
I'll tell you one thing. You ain't
gonna have trouble with me leaving.
'Cause I'm gonna
leave right now.
You understand that? Never
coming back here. Never no more.
Don't have to worry about it.
This is one cat who's going
back where he belongs.
[Screams]
I've got something to tell you.
You've got something to tell me?
I'm in trouble, it's monstrous.
That's it! You got
monsters in your cellar.
Gene Abernathy from Interpol.
I've been working with them
for the past 6 months.
There was all sorts of valves
and bubbly things and chemicals.
Trying to smash
a diamond smuggling ring.
You know something. I saw it,
but I don't believe it.
What are you carrying on about?
Huh?
I mean, huh?
[Stammering] Oh, it's
about mon-mon-mon-monsters.
You got real monsters, milord,
in your cellar. Real monsters.
I seen them all in the movies.
You got Frankenstein and
Frankenstein's monster, you got Igor...
[Groaning]
And on the table, there's this beautiful
chick, long, blonde hair, going:
"Hey, sweet cakes, how are you?"
And you also got the vampire:
[Exhaling]
"Won't you come in?"
Salt, you're drunk.
You think I'm drunk?
Come with me, please.
Would you, please?
'Cause I'm gonna prove
this once and for all.
Right over there,
against that large bookcase.
What are you talking about?
I am not drunk. I just want
you to do me one small favor.
But... but prepare yourself
for death.
Pull that book,
this one right here.
But be careful now.
[Exclaims]
[Mumbling]
Be careful.
[Mumbles]
What?
[Mumbles]
Well, take a look.
[Mumbles]
Go on.
[Sighs]
[Sobbing]
[Mumbling] I tell you...
Now, come on. Come along.
Come and have a nice lie down.
[Mumbling]
No warnings.
One wrong move, you've had it.
Cool it, lady.
Please, just, just cool it.
I'm too tall to die.
[Chuckles]
What is this, Chinese new year?
I mean, why the firecracker?
Shut up. Now listen
carefully, Mr. Salt.
I've never met Lord Sydney
Pepper before tonight,
but I came 7,000 miles
to see him.
[Chuckles]
7,000 miles?
Isn't that a long way
to go for a blind date?
Not quite blind.
You see, I happen to know where
he has hidden the diamonds.
Diamonds?
[Grunts]
(Gordon)
You didn't murder Johnny Lee.
He's still alive
and told us everything.
[Grunts]
Come on, Chris!
[Barks]
Come on, old buddy.
[Grunts]
Easy.
[Sighing]
Here. Let me put you down.
You called me Chris.
That ain't all
I'm gonna call you
as soon as you're
strong enough to take it.
And you can give up the phony voice,
as well, because I know who you are,
so talk regular, all right?
You really took me
through some changes, pally.
I only put you down, Charlie, 'cause
I didn't wanna get you involved,
in case anything went wrong.
"In case anything went wrong"?
Chris, if you knew how
wrong it went, you'd die.
I mean, really die.
Those friends of yours
are coming back here, man.
I know, they're after
some diamonds or something.
[Sighs]
(Charlie) Let me tell you the
story of big brother, huh.
For starters, he joined
Interpol, double-crossed them.
Then joined the smugglers,
and double-crossed them.
In between times,
half-murders a cat,
and then steals
a million in diamonds.
How's that for a nice,
neat little package?
And all I wanted to do
was put my feet up.
Pal of mine,
those friends of yours will
put your feet up permanently
if you don't leave
the country by tonight.
The Johannesburg police picked up
a badly wounded member of the gang.
[Stuttering] Name of,
uh... uh... Johnny Lee.
He offered to turn
queen's evidence,
and, uh, well, they got
the whole story out of him.
(Crabbe) Lord Pepper of all people.
It's incredible.
Oh, he's a vicious,
dangerous criminal.
And we think he may
be a murderer, too,
that's why we've called
you in, inspector.
Murder? Who?
His brother Christopher.
It'll be guesswork, of course,
but we think Christopher Pepper may
have discovered what he was up to,
and perhaps
tried to blackmail him.
[Sighs]
That would be typical.
And you think Lord Pepper may
have killed him to shut his mouth.
Exactly.
So you're coming with us to
Pepperworth Castle to make the arrest.
♪♪[Bugle blowing]
[Phone ringing]
Hello, Pepperworth one.
This is Kim Lee.
They're after you to kill you.
They know
where the diamonds are.
Forced me to tell them.
Where are they? We've been
looking for them all night.
I can't...
[screams]
Hello?
Hello?
[People chattering]
Hey, Chris,
that was the Chinese chick.
They're gonna have to come in
more than once a week.
Listen. Chris,
will you listen to me?
That was the Chinese chick,
and she's in trouble.
Those guys
know where the diamonds are.
So do we.
A million pounds in diamonds
painted black.
Here, put it back on.
[Sighing]
Time to mount, milord.
Enjoy the hunt, sir.
[Mumbling]
Change of plan. Change of plan.
- We walk out of here as if nothing's wrong.
- Nothing's wrong.
Make a dash for the car,
dash for the car.
And beat it to the nearest police
station, right? Police station.
Million pounds. Chris?
♪♪[Bugle blowing]
Probably all 5 of them are here.
You know what that means?
Yeah, that means they're gonna
shoot the buttons off this vest.
Now I know why you
wanted me to wear it.
- Back to plan one.
- What?
Cross-country.
That means you're gonna
have to ride a horse.
I can't ride, Chris.
Then play it by ear.
I got a flash for you.
My ear can't ride either.
Come on. But, Chris...
They've seen us. Prepare plan 2.
Come on, Charlie.
[Whistling]
No familiarity. No familiarity.
Let's get it now. Come on.
Somehow this don't look right.
[People chattering]
Hold it.
Wait a minute,
I think I'm getting it.
I got it now.
That ain't right.
That's definitely not right.
Get me down from here.
Can you just give me a leg up
like you always?
That's it. That's it.
Ah, I can see. When you know,
see, you know, because...
That ain't it either.
Once again.
Give me your leg up.
Come on, hounds, please.
♪♪[Bugle blowing]
(Man) Come on.
Hello there.
Marvelous day for a hunt,
isn't it?
Having a bit of trouble
with the gout, of course,
but besides that,
looks like a marvelous day.
Shall we go? Tallyho!
You two follow
as best you can in the car.
Everybody set?
[Screams]
I thought you'd never get here.
Come on, give me a leg up.
[Screams]
[Gun firing]
Good morning, sir.
Good morning.
[Man chattering]
Sir, sir, I think, just stop a minute.
Your rear wheel, sir.
I think you have a puncture.
You'd better take a look.
As a matter of fact,
it was turning.
Come back with my wagon!
[Gun firing]
Don't tell me they're making
blasted westerns in England now!
Hopefully they've got a phone.
[Dog barking]
[Birds chirping]
[Boy wailing]
[Arrow whizzing]
[Birds chirping]
Indians!
[Dog barking]
[Screaming]
Get up, good man.
Hold on to this.
I'll put this on
so that nobody can see it.
Uh?
W-What did you say?
I-I've been cut off.
(Charlie) Chris!
Chris! Excuse me.
You won't believe this.
But there's Indians out there,
and they ain't friendly.
What are you raving about?
All right, maybe I didn't see the
monsters, but you can't deny that.
Here, have a drink and cool it.
Chris, I tell you... [gun firing]
All right, Salt,
take off that yellow vest.
Go ahead.
Give him the yellow vest.
Oh.
The yellow vest. Of course.
Just one minute,
sir, because we gonna...
Would I forget you?
What about the belt?
[Gun firing]
Could you come in tomorrow
around 2:00 for a fitting?
Closing time, gentlemen.
Will you come down here?
I'd like to use your phone to report
the most extraordinary happening.
Do speak up, woman,
it's a terrible line.
Is it, is that you, dear? Hmm?
A-anything exciting
happening at home? Hmm?
Hello. Hello. Hello!
We meet again,
Lord Sydney Pepper.
And this time I have a
warrant for your arrest.
Now just a minute, inspector,
I'm not Sydney Pepper.
You must be from Interpol. Hmm.
Well, we've got
a nice little present for you.
A million pounds in diamonds.
The buttons
on that yellow waistcoat.
Right here.
It's too late
to make amends now, Pepper.
[Chuckles]
I'm not Sydney Pepper.
I'm Christopher Pepper.
I took his place
when he was Killed.
Any damned fool can shave off a
moustache and put on a phony one.
You'll have to
do better than that.
(Miss Tomkins)
I can do better than that.
Mmm?
I can prove, without question,
that this man
is not Lord Sydney Pepper.
How?
Could I have a word with you
in private, please?
Yeah.
What do you suppose
she's telling them?
I don't know,
but it must be something big.
[Both chuckling]
Hello, inspector.
Hello, inspector. How are you?
How are you?
Fine, sir.
Why don't you sit down?
Oh, thank you, uh, sir.
[Both chuckling]
Would you join us in a drink?
[Clears throat]
Well, I don't usually drink,
Mr. Pepper... milord.
But seeing as how I'm not on
duty, I don't mind if I do.
Wonderful. Charlie,
will you do the honors?
Of course.
2 scotch and sodas. Ok.
[Chuckles]
I'm laughing
because I'm thinking about the
la-last time I went to this place,
I pulled open this book and I
thought all kinds of things.
I must have been
on some kind of trip.
2 scotch and sodas.
[Creaking]
[Liquid bubbling]
[Whispering] Christopher.
Christopher!
Chris...
What is it?
What's the matter? What?
[Mumbling]
What is the matter with you?
Hello. Hello.
What's going on around there?
[Chuckling]
Oh, nothing, inspector. Suppose
we just put the book back,
and shut the door?
Now come on.
Now, listen, you two,
if what's going on around
there is what I think it is...
It's not what you think it is, inspector.
It's unthinkable.
Will you shut the door.
If what is going on around
there is an illicit still,
I'll send you both down
no matter who you are.
Look, will you
listen to me, inspector?
Inspector!
Remember, I warned you.
And I have warned you.
Smith!
(Smith) Sir?
Yeah.
[Smith screaming]
Now, look, Salt,
what is going on in there?
Let me put it
this way to you, Chris.
I don't think they're gonna
be in our next picture.
Shall we split?
Wait a minute.
What?
Did you say those guys ain't
gonna be in our next picture?
Yeah, why?
Don't you think we ought to finish this
one, before we talk about the next one?
Well, this one's finished.
Look, the diamonds are safe,
the bad guys got theirs, the
2 girls went back to London,
Crock is
where nasty fuzz should be,
and... and you're
Peter Lawford again.
Yes, I know all that.
Well?
But they're still watching.
Hi, there.
My name is Sammy Davis Jr.
♪ From a whip o' will ♪♪
Will you hold it?
Look, if you got it so... If
you got it so well figured out
where are the 2 bad guys that
Gordon hired to knock us off?
Well, we don't
have to explain that.
The audience knows
the picture's over with.
[Gun firing]
Why doesn't somebody
tell them it's over?
Let's move.
You mean, let's get it on.
I mean, let's get it off.
(Both) Yeah!
♪ One more time ♪
♪ I said one more time ♪
♪ Salt and Pepper ♪
♪ one more time ♪
♪ pow! ♪
♪ Man, we're always on the go ♪
♪ and where we're goin',
we don't know ♪
♪ somethin' makes us
wanna move ♪
♪ we're travellin' fast ♪
♪ and the feelin' will last
while we groove ♪
♪ ha! One more time ♪
♪ ha! One more time ♪
♪ ho! One more time ♪
♪ I said one more time ♪
♪ one more time ♪
♪ one more time ♪
♪ Salt and Pepper ♪
♪ one more time ♪
♪ Salt and Pepper ♪
[Gun firing]