One Crazy Summer (1986) - full transcript

Hi.

♪ Saturday night ♪

♪ At the corner cafe... ♪

Once upon a time, there was
a lonely kind of a guy

who'd resigned himself to
the fact that love was blind.

Now, if love is blind

he thought to himself.

How will it find me?

It honestly seems such a crime.

For how many times has
love knocked on the door...

...when it should have been
knocking on mine?



And so one day, he went off

in search of the aloof creature.

He soon happened upon the cute

and fuzzy bunny gang.

Perhaps, they could help him.

Uh, pardon me,
cute and fuzzy bunnies.

He said.

I wonder if you

could help me find love.

Love would have nothing to do

with such a stupid
looking creature.

Said the first
cute and fuzzy bunny.

With that nose

and those shoes.



And that stomach.

And those eyes.

And those ears.

Roses are red, violets are blue

but love will have nothing
to do with you!

They chanted and danced
around him.

Naturally, our hero was
very saddened by this

so... um... he...

Actually, uh, he...

He reached into his suitcase

and pulled out
a Israeli submachine gun

and he, he sawed those

cute, fuzzy bastards in half

with hot lead!

Oh-ho! It was beautiful!

Wait, stop!

No, no.

It's supposed to be a love story
not a "Rambo" bloodbath.

Forget it.
It's not your fault.

It's me.

Hey, Morty,
how am I gonna get this done?

What do you know?
You're not a man. You're a cat.

Go back to your feline world.

Get outta here.

You better get a move on, Hoops.

You'll miss graduation.

Okay, mom.

Here's your cap and gown.

All clean.

What do you mean,
"All clean?"

Hoops, these are rented.

Do you know
how many people wear them?

I washed them.

Rita Segal.

Solomon Shapiro.

Frank Stephens.

Shirley Storm.

I gotta get out
of Generic this summer

or I'm gonna lose my mind.

Hoops, come to
Nantucket with me.

We'll have a blast.
We'll scale mermaids.

No, I can't be goin' to bein'
a party monkey, George.

I gotta buckle down.

I've got two weeks to submit
my scholarship assignment.

It's the only chance
I'm gonna get to get into

Rhode Island School of Design.

Come on, Hoops, it's the summer.

We're high school graduates now.

I mean, it's time to reap
the rewards of four years

of hard, grueling,
mind-expanding work.

What's this word?

Your last name.

Oh, yeah.

Georgina Williams.

The scholarship assignment is supposed to

be an illustrated love story.

What do I know about love?

How am I supposed to write
a good love story?

I've never been in love.

I would like to congratulate

the 1986 graduating class

of Generic New York High School!

- Honey, you like it?
- Oh, daddy, it's great.

It's just what I wanted.

I think what you really need

is a break from your mom.

I mean, what, you're
gonna end up bein' a...

...a street cleaner
because you didn't get your

basketball scholarship?

Yeah, I guess she's just
takin' it hard, right?

Of course she is.

I mean, it's like my mom

saying I'm an
irresponsible louse.

I mean, I know that she knows

I'm not irresponsible.

I mean, your mother still
has faith in you, Hoops.

I mean, just because
you can't play basketball

worth of shit, doesn't mean you

got no other option in life.

I guess you're right.

There you go.

And nothin' proves that more
than bein' surprised

with your brand new
graduation wheels.

That final, parental confirmation

that you're going
somewhere in life.

And this is just the vehicle
to take you there.

Nantucket, huh?

When can we leave?

Just gotta pick up my sister.

And, Hoops, uh, remember

never say anything
about her dog.

♪ Be cruel to your school ♪

♪ 'Cause you may never get another ♪

♪ Be cruel to your school ♪

♪ In the name of rock 'n' roll ♪

♪ Be cruel to your school... ♪

Okay, you've gotta go.
Let's go. Come on.

Bye-bye, everybody.

Hey, Squid!

You and old Boscoe gonna visit

grandma this summer?

Dog from Mars.

Dog from Mars.

It's so ugly.

Someone put it to sleep.

Na-na-na-na-na.

Na-na-na-na-na.

Girls, girls, girls!

You know, if you make
faces like that

and somebody slaps
you on the back

you'll stay that way forever!

Na-na-na-na-na!

Go on! Go on!

Have a nice summer!

Dog from space!

Dog from space!

Na-na-na-na-na.

Na-na-na-na-na.

♪ I have a brain or will I go insane ♪

♪ I've gone insay-ay-ay-ay-ane ♪

Geez!

There sure are some ugly-looking kids

running around here.

♪ 'Cause hey I gotta know ♪

♪ What I'll have to show ♪

♪ When I hi hi ho it from here ♪

♪ Do A-B-Cs and 1-2-3s ♪

♪ Mean that much to me that much to me... ♪

So, where's this place, anyway?

First stop's a little place

called Woods Hole.

♪ Hey baby watcha gonna do ♪

♪ Now that I've left you ♪

♪ I said we're through ♪

♪ All along you've been runnin' round ♪

♪ But you ain't the only game in town ♪

♪ I dug your brush ♪

♪ And your ass was fine ♪

♪ I dug your jelly and your mighty mind ♪

♪ But you rubbed it on another guy ♪

♪ You're history and this is why ♪

♪ You're just a dog ♪

Okay, Cassandra...

...all I want is my money.

It's my money and you know it!

No!

It's definitely mine.

Trust me.

Excuse me, guys.
Lookin' for this?

Get him!

George, get us out of here!

So long, sucker.

It's my money!
It's mine!

- Who are your friends?
- Maniacs!

Get us out of here!
Go, go, go!

Hurry up!
They're gaining on us!

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Who are you?
- I'm Cassandra.

- Good.
- George. Pleasure's all mine.

Watch where you're going!
We're heading for the docks!

We gotta make the boat.

- Boat? What boat?
- What?

You think we're
driving to Nantucket?

Come on, it's an island!

You never mentioned any boat.
I hate boats.

I'm not gettin' on any boat.

I beg to differ.

What are you doing?
It's already left!

We'll make it.

- We'll make it?
- We'll make it.

You might wanna
brace yourselves though.

♪ I'm crackin' up
I'm gonna take my leave ♪

♪ I dug your brush ♪

Get me out of here!

Now!

♪ You're history and this is why ♪

♪ You're just a dog ♪

This is gonna be a great summer.

I want you to die!

Once upon a time, there
was a lonely kind of a guy

on a quest for love.

The cute and fuzzy bunnies were quick to cooperate this time.

The path they sent him on
landed him

on an ocean-going vessel.

Now, our hero hated boats

but he was desperate
in his quest.

And once again he fell
victim to the heinous

cute and fuzzy bunnies.

And he was sucked
into the cold, dark sea

and he never found love.

Are you alright?

Me?

Yeah, great.
Really good.

Why?

I don't know, you look
pretty uncomfortable.

What, a-are you afraid of water?

No.

No, not really. No.

Well, yeah.

Yeah, actually,
I am afraid of the water.

But, uh, this is a big boat.

A lot of safety equipment.

And I can see the land.

Clean, fresh air.

Chili dog.

Go away.

You live on the island?

Just for the summer,
I'm going over

to help my grandfather out.

What kinda help?

Well, he's got
a houseful of friends

he's taking care of, and...

He's having money problems.

I was working in
some dive tryin' to

help him out
but I got ripped off.

Is that what that was about,
the big scene back there?

- Yeah.
- Hm.

I wish I could've helped out more.

Oh, come on, you were great.

You sure? Last bite.

Will you get out
of here with this?

Hey, you kids!

Come on!

This gonna be,
this is gonna be fun.

All the eggs, they're broken!

Argh!

Clay, I-if you're not gonna
stand on the right side

you're like defeating
the entire purpose

of even buying them,
you big mess!

Mess! Argh!

There they are.
The Stork twins.

Those guys? They're twins?

Yeah, Clay's a couple minutes older.

Yo!

The Stork twins!

This is Hoops.

Aloha!

Hi, Hoops!

I'm gonna go get the car.

Hey, Squidly!

Hey, this is gonna be
a great shot.

I'm out.
Maybe we'll see each other.

- Hope so.
- Alright.

- Take it easy.
- Yeah, you too.

Hey, Stork guys!

- Hi, Hoops.
- What's happening?

- How do you do?
- Hi.

I-it's very, it's very...

- Nice to meet you.
- Yeah.

Me too.
What's going on here?

What's with the big fish?

Oh, they're shooting the sequel

to that movie "Foam" here.

Yeah, about, about
the giant dolphin

with rabies that terrorizes

a small New England town.

Wow.

We're gonna work part-time

as security guards on the set.

- Stork twins!
- Argh!

- Clay!
- O-ow.

So, what, you guys got
the day off

from the garage?

- W-w-we're doing a job.
- Doing a job.

- We're pickin' up a boat.
- Pickin' up a boat.

Whose boat is it?

- His.
- His.

You touched my car.

What?

You touched my car!

Right! Well, let me
just get it clean, then!

You touched it again!

Don't ever touch

my car again, ever, ever!

Don't touch my car

ever, ever again!

Teddy, honey...

...can we go pick up
your boat?

Ever!

Remember? Your new boat?

Ty, bring in the Stork twins!

Come here.

Ow!

Boy, I wouldn't have
come, anyways.

- Ow. Ow, ow.
- Now, move that tow truck!

Let's go! Hustle!

Uh, my shoe!

That is some tuna.

Grammy, the high school
graduates are here.

Oh!

Look who it is.

Grammy!

My pride and joy.

There's my little girl.

Look what grammy bought for you.

Would you like some nice
milk and cookies?

Come on, your grammy
will show you where you go...

Nice meeting you too.

She's nuts about me.

Oh, yeah.

Come on, you gotta meet
my Uncle Frank.

One million dollars.

This is it.

We guarantee it.

This is your summer to win!

Keep it here and listen

for this jingle.

95.5 FM.

Music money time.

If you, yes, you

are our fiftieth caller...

One million dollars is all yours!

That's right.

Hey, Uncle Frank.

Georgie? Georgie!

- What are you doin' in here?
- Still at it, huh?

My God, Would you get out
of here? What do you think?

I'm playing games?
I need to be left alone!

Why don't you just
leave me alone?

Every summer he sits there
trying to win that radio show.

Every summer he loses
a little bit more of his mind.

Why don't they just leave me
alone with my dream?

Okay.

There.

Now, Billy, take this
to the back room.

Field strip it.

Careful with that thing!

Boys, tourniquet!

- Calamari.
- Mr. Raymond.

Thought you'd be
in prison by now.

What can I do for you?

We're looking for Acky.

Uh, this is my friend,
Hoops McCann.

Quit monkeying with that thing!

Sorry.

Well, another wasted summer,
huh, boys?

Why don't you go in with Acky?

Just think of it.

Death from above!

Airborne!

Excuse me if I'm wrong, sir

but, uh, Acky throws up

on the Ferris wheel
at the children's park.

You've got no college
acceptance, George.

You've got no direction
with your lives.

No, no plan.

When there's no plan,
there's no attack.

And no attack,
there's no victory.

This!

This is what makes men, men.

I'll have to pick one up.

Anyway, where's Acky?

Oh, he's out on a mission
for his old man.

- A mission, sir?
- Yeah.

He's on the beach,
collecting shells.

Well, that's a little bit

more like Acky's speed.

Acky, what are you doing?

George, take cover!

Your dad said you were
collecting shells.

Shells.

Fifty seven millimeter.

My dad gets 12 bucks
a piece for them.

They make great paperweights.

Hi, I'm Ack Ack.

Let's get outta here.

Come on, over the top, boys!

Nobody lives forever!

Oh, my God!

You could've waited
till they were done

bombing the beach,
I mean, come on.

When the man says go, you go.

You could have been killed.

Oh, my God!

Do you realize
for every lost, mangled doll

there's a little girl
with a broken heart?

Sure you wanna be
a marine, Acky?

I mean, I just don't

see you having
the killer instinct.

"He leadeth me in the paths
of righteousness

for his name's sake.

Yea, though I walk
through the valley

of the shadow of death..."

What's going on?

"Thou preparest
a table before me

in the presence of mine enemies.

Thou anointest my head with oil.

Surely goodness
and mercy shall follow me

all the days of my life."

Oh, for God's sake!

Excuse me for just one...

Uh...

Leave me.

So, old man Eldridge

finally kicked, eh, Ted?

Doin' my laps, dad.

Ted, I would like

to have a word with you.

In a minute, dad.

Ow!

I'll try not to take up
too much of your time.

Okay, okay.

Are you ready
for the regatta, Ted?

Yeah, sure, I'm ready.
The new sloop's a beauty.

I can't lose.

If you screw it up this year

you and I are out...

Hi, daddy.

- Hi, grandpa.
- How are you?

Good.

If you screw it up
this year, Ted

that decaying old man

your grandfather

takes everything away.

Do you understand, Ted?

If you don't come home
with that trophy

we lose it all.

No more pools.

No more Ferrari.

And do you know
what happens then, Ted?

Don't say it, dad.

That's right, Ted.

You'll have to go to...

- No! No, dad. Don't say it.
- Work, Teddy, work!

Don't say that word, please!

I'll win.
Just don't say that word!

That's why I need
this Eldridge land.

With this land,
I can finally start building

Beckerstead Estates.

And that crazy old man can't...

- Hi, daddy.
- Hi, grandpa.

Have a wonderful day.

That crazy old man
can't hold that race

over my head every year.

Now, Ted...

...what did you find out
about this place?

Oh, Chong says he left it
to his granddaughter.

She's got one week
to pay the back mortgage.

And, dad, I've seen this girl.
She's a...

She's a real hippie type.

She wears, like, these braids.

What do they
call them, cornhusks?

If she don't get the money

you get the house.

They're already doing
the paperwork.

Wonderful.

Wonderful.

This will be my most

beautiful restaurant yet.

I used to come down here
with him all the time.

Your grandfather sounded like
he was a really nice man.

I'm really sorry.

Old Mr. Peckerhead's
been trying to...

- Who?
- Beckerstead.

He's been trying
to drive grandpa

out of that house
since I was a baby.

I guess he finally got him.

So what's gonna happen,
I mean, to the house

and all his friends,
what are they gonna do?

The bank's given me
one week to come up

with the back mortgage
of three thousand dollars.

It might as well be a million.

You know I just can't
let those people

be thrown out on the streets.

I just wish I had more time.

I wish I could help.

I'm not gonna give up.

I figure that I can sell
some of the furniture

and I'm, I'm gonna
do some clubs.

You sing?

Yeah, I try.

Cool.

I bet you're really great.

Thanks.

I guess basketball is your thing

with a name like Hoops.

Yeah, it's kinda in
the family blood, you know?

My dad was really great.

But I wanna do something
a little more challenging.

A little different.

So I figure I'm gonna try to get

a scholarship to art school.

What do you draw?

Nothing, lately.

I'm in kind of a rut.

Draw me something?

Okay.

What can I get for you?

I don't know.

Um...

How about a gorilla?

Or me, or, um...

No, how about a gorilla and me?

You and a gorilla.

Okay, so...

Okay.

boing boing

Uh, lose the nose.

Fix that, and...

change the feet.

Best I could do
with short notice.

It's great.

If this is what
you do second best

I'd love to see you
play basketball.

It's quite a sight,
let me tell you.

Thanks for cheerin' me up.

My pleasure.

Well, I better go.

Yeah, me too.

Thanks.

Thanks a lot.

Maybe you can come by later.

Okay.

Bye.

Cassandra!

Cassandra, can you help me a minute?'

Could you help me out?
I-I'm stuck.

One million dollars.

It could happen
at any time, any day

any hour, any minute, any second!

We're giving away
one million dollars

and it could happen now, right now!

But it's not going to happen yet.

So keep listening for this jingle

95.5...

To win one million dollars!

Whoa, whoa!

Hey, Egg!

Really smart.

What if that went in my eye?

Argh!

Hey, where's Hoops?

Uh, he went over,
he went over there.

You guys better
look after him, man.

He's got a tendency to wallow

in his artistic miseries,
if you know what I mean.

Yeah.

Hey, Egg, uh, cut me
a little shade, will you?

Okay, thank you.

Excuse me, excuse me.

Hey, little boy, will you
hold on to this for me?

Thank you very much.

- Argh!
- Mommy?

- Sorry.
- Mommy!

Jimmy? Jimmy!

Mommy!

- Hi, Hoops.
- Hi.

Hoops, how about a brew?

Thanks, guys.
That's good.

Oh, please, Mr. Dog, don't.

What are you doing?

Nothing much, guys.

H-Hoops, if you run out
of things to draw

you can draw us, you know, heh.

Yeah, like,
you could draw us nude.

Yeah, yeah, bare naked

with no clothes on!

No, no, button up!
Button up!

Thank you.
I appreciate that.

But I'll come up with something.

Oh, look, I-I offer you
my body a-a-and...

And now I'm the jerk
of the world or something.

It was a nice gesture.

Hi. I met you
at the docks yesterday.

Hello.
Hi, I'm Hoops.

Cookie.

- How's it going?
- Great.

Alright, uh...
These are the Stork twins.

- Hi, Cookie.
- She's Cookie.

Hi, Cookie.
I'm Egg.

Gemini!

I know them.
They work for my boyfriend.

What can I do for you?

My friends and I
are gonna go sailing

and we were wondering
if you and your friends

could help us get our boat
in the water?

Ah, well,
what do you say, fellas?

Can we help these lovely ladies

get their boats in the water?

No, no, I'll tell you what,
I-it sounds like work.

Hoops, Hoops, boats are heavy.
I'll get a hernia.

Guys, come on, come on,
let's do it.

- Would you guys get up?
- Argh!

Sure. Love to.

- Great.
- What kinda boat you have?

Well, you got anything else
we can do for you

like, maybe, shovel your
driveway or somethin'?

You guys!

Hey! Hey, you guys!

Do you have anything, like,
heavier we could carry?

- Like a car?
- Guys!

Oh, yeah, sure, like, forsake me

for eight chicks.

Come on, hey!

Sir?

Wait, no! Mister, please!

Please, sir!

No, y-y-you don't understand.

I've had a bad day.

Do you want to come sailing?
There's room for one more.

No.

Really, I can't.

I, I don't like boats.

You're not afraid, are you?

No, of course not.

I just got a lot to do,
you know, on the beach.

How about a movie, then?

- What about your boyfriend?
- He's going to a reception.

I'll pick you up at 8:00.

♪ Down on the corner ♪

♪ I'll be in the street ♪

♪ Willy and the poor boys are playin' ♪

♪ Bring a nickel tap your feet ♪

♪ Rooster hits the washboard ♪

♪ And people just gotta smile ♪

Oh, come on, have a heart, dude.

Oh, no, not those.
Oh, no! Oh!

Please, Your Enormousness,
anything, but chili!

She really likes you!

Too bad George wasn't here
to see that, huh, Hoops?

- George!
- George!

- He ain't far out.
- Dead man on the beach!

Chili?

Phil, do the CPR.

- You do it.
- No. I have seniority.

I want you to give him CPR.

Phil, give him CPR!

George was alive, just barely.

Nobody wanted
to perform CPR on him

so it was a complete nightmare.

But enough about old George.

So, how's the dollar count
comin'? You get any more money?

So far so good.
I sold some of the furniture.

And I have a gig tonight
at a club

called the Dew Drop Inn.

Maybe you can come by.

Yeah, sure.
I-I mean I'll try.

I-I might have something
to do tonight maybe.

Oh, well, if you can.

Be nice to have a friend there.

I'll be there.
I'll be at the first table.

You can count on it.

I got to go. George's grandma
is makin' us supper.

You know how grandmas
are about that kind of thing.

This kinda means
the world to 'em.

Are you sure you don't
want just a little bit more?

No, thank you. I'm stuffed.
It was delicious, though.

Well, alright, then.

I got it.

- Keep it.
- Thank you very much.

- Thank God.
- It was really good.

So, uh, what do you mean you're not

goin' out with Cookie tonight?

You're here to write
a love story, Hoops.

Cookie is a love story.

George, have you seen
her boyfriend?

He's like Cro-Magnon teen.
No way.

Besides, I said I was gonna
help Cassandra.

I promised I'd go to her show.

Yeah, but like-like
Cookie asked you out first.

W-we were there.

Y-you know, Teddy's not even
gonna be around tonight, Hoops.

You know where Teddy's gonna be?

He's gonna be at a little reception

celebrating the rape of the land

that Cassandra's house
now stands on.

- The Stork brothers told me.
- That's true!

You know, Cookie seems
like a real nice person.

Maybe she'd like
to help Cassandra out.

I don't think that's what
she's interested in.

You know what I mean?

Ha, come on, Hoops.

Quit thinkin' about yourself
all the time.

I mean, go out with Cookie...

...and, uh,
get her on your side.

And then go see Cassandra.

Mm, think I'd rather keep
all the original

bone structure of my face, okay?

- Do you want to help Cassandra?
- Of course.

Well, listen, the Stork twins

are going to the reception
after work.

If Teddy, say, does anything...

...they'll call me
at the drive-in and, uh...

...the big guy will be
watchin' your back.

Trust me.

Once upon a time there was
a happening kind of a guy

who'd stumbled onto a girl

who embodied
all that love should be.

All seemed well.

Maybe, those
cute and fuzzy bunnies

weren't so bad after all.

Until...

Her boyfriend showed up and pounded him into something

that resembled a wet prune.

Ouch.

Never! Never! Never! Never!
Never! Never! Never!

I am going to die.

Forget about it.

- Where're you goin'?
- I'm going to see Cassandra.

Baby.

Are you ready for me, Hoops?

Hey, wait a minute.
Pull over. I know her.

Hey, you need a ride?

- That was a friend of mine.
- I don't pick up hitchhikers.

Ha!

Oh, the humanity!

Thank you very much
for the ride.

I enjoyed it thoroughly.

Hey, Clay! Clay!

Clay! Hi.

Hi.
I didn't hear you come in.

Uh-uh, I have to come here
and then relieve you

'cause dad needs you right now,
pronto at the gas station!

Okay, b-but, Egg,
don't forget a-at 9:00

you have to be
at the Beckersteads.

Watch Teddy,
if anything weird is goin' on

call George
at the drive-in right away.

We can't let Hoops down.

Okay.
No problem.

Egg, don't forget.

No matter what,
don't touch anything

on this prop truck, okay?

Oh, oh, l-l-like
I'm really gonna!

♪ Let's all go to the lobby ♪

♪ Let's all go to the lobby ♪

♪ Let's all go to the lobby ♪

♪ To get ourselves a treat ♪

Delicious things to eat...

Are you nervous about something?

- Me?
- Yeah.

No, I'm havin' a great time.
Enjoy.

Are you sure?

- Can I ask you something?
- Yeah.

Aren't you goin' out
with that guy Teddy?

Yeah.

Why aren't you with him tonight?

'Cause he's got some
silly reception to go to

and then he's got
his Vang Shoo classes.

What's Vang Shoo?

Martial art...

...of disemboweling...

...another human being
with a popsicle stick.

Are you hungry? I'm hungry.
I'll just go get us some treats.

Stay right here.

I'll just get us some treats.

Could you bring me some popcorn?

Popcorn.

Check it out.
It's that McCann guy.

And he's with Cookie.

I-I... Look at...
I like that one. I like that.

I wanna, I wanna...

Ah!

Now, that is a...
I could wear that anywhere.

I'm gonna look nice.

Michael?

Michael?

Michael!

Michael!

Michael?

Michael?

Hey, Hoops.

Good party, eh?

George, where are your friends,
the twins?

Are they watching that monster?

Don't worry about it, man.
They're very reliable.

Trust me.

Well, thank you very much.

It feels good to be back here
at the Club Tokyo.

Hi! How're you doin'?
Where're you from?

What do you do for a livin'?

9:00? Shit!

9:00!

Goddamn it! Argh!

Shit!

Relax.

Would you get over here,
you two stupid clowns?

I can't wait all night.

Wilbur, look at this.

Damn, that looks like
one of those

medical experiments that went astray.

Little girl, I'm gonna
have nightmares

just knowing that
that dog exists.

Looks like it's been
microwaved or somethin'.

Why, Wilbur, I believe that's
a case for a mercy killing.

What do you say, little girl?

Want us to put that dog

out of its misery for ya?

Well, I can't wait any longer.

Hi. How you doin'?

I, uh, want to thank
everybody for comin'.

♪ I've seen unsung heroes ♪

♪ Of what reminds youmen ♪

♪ I've known schemers
I've known dreamers ♪

♪ I've met the very best ♪

Uh, Mary Ann?

Thank you.

Now...

In honor of our very special
guest, Mr. Chong Freen

of the Charter Bank
of Nantucket...

...who assures me
that the Beckerstead Estates

are only weeks away from
the start of construction.

I will allow Mr. Freen...

...the honors.

Thank you.

Did you bring me my popcorn?

Well, thank you very much.
I think I will have a cookie.

Hello.

Michael?

- Hi. Cookie?
- Teddy?

Yeah, this is Ty.

Ty? What's up?

She's doin' what?

Stay right there.

No, Ty, stay right there,
you idiot!

A really nice party.

That's a hearty appetite.

Let's get out of here.

Let's go to the point
and watch the moon rise.

I don't know, Cookie,
I was kind of enjoying

this fine feature film and...

I never touched her!

I never touched her!

You touched my girlfriend, didn't you?

No! No!

I knew I'd find you
at the drive-in.

No! No! Please!

Well, I guess you don't get
to see the moon rise very often.

Egg.

Egg?

Egg, I'm about to teach you
a very valuable lesson.

In an emergency situation
the victims cannot

and must not be allowed
to think for themselves.

The shock and the horror
of-of what just happened

will surely impair
their judgment.

You must do the thinking
in order to save them.

In this case, a plane has just

crash-landed on this point.

Now, there are gonna
be bodies everywhere...

...just gushing blood
and their faces

they're gonna be just pulled
right off of their heads

and armpits will be
hanging from trees.

Their eyeballs are gonna be
sticking out of their heads.

and you're gonna have to,
just push them back in

with a-a stick or something,
and...

Now, remember

you are the only thing that will
stand between life and death.

Now... let's do it!

Come on, let's go! Hurry up!

Dad, I really wish
we could discuss this.

There's nothing
to discuss, Ack Ack.

I want you packed and out
of the house by 0800 hours.

My home is not a den for cowards

who will not serve
in the armed forces.

Yes, sir.

There's a beautiful clearing
just up ahead.

Listen, Cookie, I want to know
if maybe you can help out...

Save him!

Hoops, what are you doing?

Cookie, for God's sake, help me!

Save her!

I don't know, Teddy.
We followed them up this far.

Goodness knows what they
came up here to do.

♪ Get your motor runnin' ♪

♪ Head out on the highway ♪

Cookie, what are you doing here?

- They're chasing me!
- Who's chasing you?

McCann and his weird friends.

♪ Yeah darlin' go make it happen ♪

♪ Take the world in a love embrace ♪

♪ Fire all of your guns at once ♪

- George! Stop!
- Jesus!

Go, George,
get out of here! Go!

♪ Heavy metal thunder ♪

♪ Racin' with the wind ♪

It's just a costume!

You little jerks!

Get out of the way!

♪ Take the world in a love embrace ♪

♪ Fire all of your guns at once ♪

Great, we missed her.

- Hi, guys.
- Hi, Ack.

Get me out of this!
Come on!

We got to call Hoops!

Teddy left the,
Teddy left the party.

Good work, buddy.

Hi!

I'm gonna kill you,
after I kill this guy.

Hundred bucks says you don't.

What?

A 100 bucks says you don't.

What are you talkin' about?

Well, I'm sure
that you can beat him up.

He's smaller than you are.

- That never stood in my way...
- I'll bet you a $100.

Even though he's smaller than
you, that he's a better athlete.

Say at a sport like basketball?

What are you doin'?

Wait a minute, this wimp?
Give me a break.

- Are you in or out?
- Please don't do this.

I'm begging you.

You must be high.

- Is she high, Ty?
- High, Ted.

In or out?

Alright, let's go.

Uh, darn, no net.
Uh, can't play.

Maybe we could work this out
some other way.

We could play water polo.

I could get some horses.

Uh-uh.

Make a hoop.

- Alright.
- Alright.

Lucky-lucky shot!

Okay.
Here you go.

- Okay, Hoops, come on.
- Come on, Hoops.

Come on.

Okay, now, if you don't mind,
I'd like to get back

to the task of beating
the shit out of these guys.

I wouldn't do that
if I were you.

Why not?
What do you know? Karate?

No. I know Dow.

What is Dow?

Dow is the chemical company
that makes Mace.

Cassandra, wait up a minute.

Come on!

I'm really sorry about that.
I-I mean...

Thanks for savin' us.

It's no big deal, McCann.
I guess we're even.

- Now?
- No, not yet. Be patient.

- Wait, wait.
- Now?

O-okay.

Eh, hello, ladies.

I am here for your daughters.

So, uh, you finally told
the Fuhrer no, huh?

How'd it go?

He threw me out.

Don't worry about it, man,
you can stay

at my grandmother's house.

She's got plenty of room
and, uh, reasonable rates...

...if you're not
in the family.

Thanks, George.

You can throw your stuff
in my Uncle Frank's room.

He'll never know.

- Hey, Hoops.
- Yeah.

Did you ever notice people die
in alphabetical order?

Come on, cheer up, McCann.

She's not the only girl
on the island, man.

There's plenty of them
to be found.

Ooh.

I like that one.

Go for it, dude.
Go, go, go, go!

Whoa.
Excuse me, fellas.

Hey, how you doin'?
Here you go.

- Hi.
- Hi, Hoops.

- How're you doing?
- Fine.

- Look, Cassandra...
- Ah, here you go.

I wanted to apologize.
I...

I never should've said
I was a basketball player.

I shouldn't have lied.
I'm sorry.

You know, I really am
a pretty decent artist.

And if I could help
you in any way

I'd like to make it up to you.

- You really wanna help me?
- Yeah.

Buy a ticket.

Hi, how are you doin'?

Here you go.

♪ Fun fun fun ♪

♪ Till her daddy takes her T-bird away ♪

♪ Fun fun fun till her daddy
takes her T-bird away ♪

We are from
the planet of the toes

and we bring you...

And we bring you produce.

Hi, fellas.

- Hi, Hoops.
- Hi, Hoops.

Hi, Hoops.

A giant dolphin with rabies.

Turn it around. Turn it around.
Open it up.

About as believable as Superman.

Whoa.

God, they sure can do
incredible things

in movies nowadays, can't they?

Yeah.

Ha! Good idea. I've got it.
Fellas, up! Up! Up!

Stork twins, bring that camera.

No! No, no, please!

Please!

Hey, guys, what about George?

George!

I am your superior!

♪ Would I lie to you ♪
♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ Would I lie to you ♪
♪ Oh no no no ♪

♪ Now would I say something that wasn't true ♪

♪ I'm asking you sugar would I li-ie to you ♪

♪ My friends know what's in store ♪

♪ I won't be here anymore ♪

♪ I've packed my bags I've cleaned the floor ♪

Satanic hemorrhoids from hell.

We must stop them
before they kill again!

Doctor, no!
You can't go in there.

save the whole free world.

♪ Would I lie to you honey ♪
♪ Honey would I lie ♪

♪ Now would I say something that wasn't true ♪

♪ I'm asking you sugar
Would I li-ie to you ♪

Thank you very much.
I hope to see you at the show.

♪ How long I can take ♪

♪ Now I'm leaving you you you ♪

♪ Hey yeah ♪

♪ I'll make it make it ♪

♪ Oh yes I will ♪

♪ I'll make it make it ♪

♪ Believe me
I'll make it make it ♪

♪ Would I lie to you ♪

♪ I'll make it make it ♪
♪ Would I lie to you honey ♪

♪ Ah-ha ♪

♪ Now would I say something that wasn't true ♪

Weather for the Cape and the islands

looks like we can expect some rain

but nothing to worry about.

Nantucket's big news tonight
is Cassandra Eldridge

live at the Dew Drop Inn.

Come on, come on, come one,
come on.

Well, good luck to her
and good luck to you

in our $1 million summer.

It could happen at any minute.

- You could win $1 million.
- Come on, come on, come on.

Come on, come on.

Stand still, Teddy.

Come on, dad,
I gotta do my laps.

I have not yet mastered
this contraption.

When I have, then you may
continue your laps.

Damn it.

Do you know who this is, Ted?

- No.
- That... is trouble.

That is the girl that just might ruin

my restaurant on the bluff.

She's singing

or something tomorrow night.

If people do actually
show up to hear her

she might make some money.

She might make enough
to pay back the bank.

What are we going
to do about it, Ted? Hm?

Uh, stop her from singing?

Good, Teddy. Good.

Get it.

W-we're here to pick up
your father's Jag.

H-he called us.
We will need the keys.

Ha!

Ow.

- Get rid of this.
- Okay.

Come on.

In sports, we've got the
Nantucket Regatta coming up.

and Cape Cod's own
Mr. Congeniality...

- Hi, guys.
- Hi, Ack Ack.

- How you doin'?
- Well... that's the last of it.

I'm history.

I just wish I could make
my father understand.

Hey, Ack...

...I understand.

- You do?
- Uh-huh.

Let me tell you a story...

...about a little fat boy...
that nobody loved

and then all the other kids,
they used to make fun of him...

...and they would
pick on him.

And they, and they,
and then they used to say

that he talked funny and stuff.

And he had a,
and he had a twin brother

and everybody, a-a-and everybody said

that he didn't look anything
like his twin brother.

B-but he wanted to.

Egg...

Were you the little fat boy?

No. No.

B-but I used to like
to beat him up, you know?

I'd grab him and go,
"Why are you so fat?"

"Why are you so fat?" and
I'd beat the shit out of him.

Isn't that a great story?

Yeah. Thanks.

- Are you a little nervous?
- Uh-unh.

- No?
- Nobody's gonna show up.

Come on, everybody's gonna show up.

It's the greatest media blitz
in the history of Nantucket.

It's gonna be great and I don't
wanna hear another word.

What about Beckerstead? Do you
think he's gonna pull something?

It's covered, okay?
I promise you.

You just relax
and have a good time

'cause you're gonna be great.

I know you are.
Okay? trust me.

Hoops...

I just, um, want to tell you...

I guess I know what you mean.

- Hoops?
- Yeah. Got to run.

See you at the club.

This one's for Cassandra.

Go! Go! Go!

Hey!

Ha!

Ha!

Teddy!

Don't forget about tonight!

Dad, I'll go, I'll go, I'll go.

I'll go after I do my laps!

Thank you, Teddy!

Ah!
Have a nice swim.

Come on in!

Come on in,
Cookie wookie wookie...

Ow!

Ow! Ahh!

Cookie, help!

- Teddy, what's wrong?
- Ow! Ow!

Come here!

♪ Your sittin' all alone and feelin' blue ♪

♪ The whole damn world's
comin' down on you ♪

♪ They want your body and
they want your soul ♪

♪ And they won't even give
you any rock and roll ♪

♪ Your friends will tell you
that you're wastin' time ♪

♪ Just shut the door and
leave it all behind ♪

♪ Don't look back ♪

♪ We're nation for today ♪

♪ Don't look back ♪

♪ Let it all just fade away ♪

♪ Don't look back ♪

♪ You can leave it all behind ♪

♪ Don't look back ♪

♪ Don't look back ♪

♪ Baby don't look back ♪

♪ Don't look back ♪

♪ Baby don't look back ♪

♪ Don't look back ♪

♪ You're simply waitin'
for your time to come ♪

♪ The beat goes on
waitin' for no one ♪

♪ You gotta get it
up and do it now ♪

♪ If you want me too
I can show you how ♪

♪ The situation's really killin' you ♪

♪ You gotta make a move
and follow through ♪

♪ Don't look back ♪

♪ We're nation for today ♪

♪ Don't look back ♪

♪ Let it all just fade away ♪

♪ Don't look back ♪

♪ You can leave it all behind ♪

♪ Don't look back ♪

♪ Don't look back ♪

♪ Baby don't look back ♪

♪ Don't look back ♪

♪ We're nation for today ♪

♪ Don't look back ♪

♪ Let it all just fade away ♪

♪ Don't look back ♪

♪ You can leave it all behind ♪

♪ Don't look back ♪

♪ Don't look back ♪

♪ Baby don't look back ♪

♪ Don't look back ♪

♪ We're nation for today ♪

♪ Don't look back ♪

♪ Let it all just fade away ♪

♪ Don't look back ♪

♪ You can leave it all behind ♪

♪ Don't look back don't look back ♪

♪ Baby don't look back ♪

Ow!

What?

I'm sorry, miss.

But I'm afraid all
the money in the world

isn't going to get
you that house.

But it's my house and that's
the money that I owe you.

I understand, miss.

The problem is Mr. Beckersted
has bought the mortgage

from the bank and he can

foreclose anytime he wants.

- You gave me until today.
- I am sorry.

But the bank was
as lenient as it could be

for as long as it could be.

What about those people?
That's their home!

How could you sell it to him?

Mr. Beckersted is a lot
wealthier than you.

What's goin' on?

What happened?

What does it matter?
The house is theirs.

That's right.

And get this ugly mutt

off my property.

Boscoe!

Dr. Bolson to ER.

Dr. Bolson

Squid, it's okay.
Boscoe's gonna be just fine.

I don't know, they've been
in there a while.

I think I smell gas too.

Cassandra, are you
really gonna leave?

Why should I stay? There's
nothing left here for me.

How can you say that?

I mean, come on!
How can you say that?

What about the house?
What about all those people?

We're just gonna give them
to the Beckersteds?

I mean we can't let those people
walk away with everything.

I mean, if we give in
to those people

we're giving in to all the cute

and fuzzy bunnies in the world.

Yeah, yeah, that's just
what I was thinking.

Wh-what I mean is,
we-we can't give up.

Gotta think of a plan.

Plan, plan...

Without a plan,
there's no attack.

Without attack, no victory.

Where have I heard that before?

A plan...
Oh, boy, I've got a plan.

Acky's got a plan.
What is it?

- The regatta.
- The regatta?

You know, the, the regatta.
The, the-the sailing boat race.

The one boat rowing, sailing,
motoring regatta

around Nantucket.

Your planning involves a boat?

But Teddy's gonna win it.

He wins every year.
Everybody knows that.

Exactly, but what happens
if he doesn't win?

Well, his grandfather takes away

everything he and his
father own.

Basically making his life
as dreary as ours.

Poor guys.

- And?
- So, we win the race.

He can't live
without the trophy.

We can't live without the house.

We make a trade.

Great, Ack Ack.
There's just one thing missing.

The boat.

The boat!

Sh-she's in really good shape.

Mind you, she could
use a little help.

George?

I'd like to welcome you all
to the christening of the boat.

And for this gala occasion

I got a little somethin'

that my parents brought me back

from their trip to France.

I've been saving it
for a special occasion.

I think this is it.

- Ohh!
- Whoa! Ooh.

Oh!

That's really nice!

Cassandra, would you
do the honors?

- Hey!
- Yeah.

To the boat?

To the boat!

We'll just patch that up.

We'll fix that later.

Well, listen, Hoops

here's a little something from all of us

to-to all of you.

What? For me?

What is it?

Oh, man! Thank you!

What is this for?
What do you...

Well, a captain has
to have his captain hat.

Ah, I can't accept this.

Acky, why don't you be captain?
This was your idea.

This has been decided, Hoops.

You're the man for the job.

I can't be captain. I'm not
even gonna be on the boat.

I'm gonna be on the land.
I'm sorry, fellas.

Uh, Hoops?

Uh, what do you guys say we have
a look at the engine, huh?

- Yeah.
- Sure, that'll be great.

- What's wrong?
- Nothing.

I just don't like boats.

I hate boats!

Since I was a kid
I don't like boats.

Maybe you just haven't
had the right kind of

experience on a boat.

Maybe you're right.

Well, then, I mean,
that's it, boys.

I don't know, guys,
we gotta have an engine

for part of this race.

I'll get it.

I mean most of those guys
are gonna have you know

like Evinrudes and Mercuries.
Heavy stuff.

I don't think this puppy's
gonna cut the mustard.

Well, that's like the best

my dad had, you know?

Hey! What happened?

T-Teddy brought his car
in for a tune up.

Did he hit you?

A-a-h!

One, two, three, four!

♪ Calling out around the world ♪

♪ Are you ready for a brand new beat ♪

♪ Summer's here and the time is right ♪

♪ For dancing in the streets ♪

♪ They're dancing in Chicago ♪

What the hell is that?

♪ In New York City ♪

♪ All we need is music sweet music ♪

♪ There'll be music everywhere ♪

♪ They'll be swinging
swaying and records playing ♪

♪ Dancing in the street oh ♪

♪ It doesn't matter what you wear ♪

Hiya, Ted.

How you doin'?

McCann...

Good morning,
ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome to
the Nantucket Regatta.

Part of the regatta will test

your strength and stamina.

On this line, you will...

You...

You will not...

Get down! Come here.

Go! Go! Go! Go!

Come on, save it for the race.

- Acky!
- Save it for the race!

There, you will drop your sails

and start your engines
for the final stretch

back into Nantucket Harbor.

Now... if everyone is ready.

Go!

Don't stop, come on!

Go! Go!

Go, go, go, go!

- Hey, Egg!
- What?

Tito Ramirez is wrestling

Mr. Congeniality
in a half hour.

Teddy says Mr. Congeniality
doesn't have a chance.

Go! Come on!

Go! Go!

Come on, guys!
They're gaining on us.

We'll take care of this
right now!

Dad? Oh, shit!

You just steer the boat,
you stupid, imbecilic retard!

You're not my son!

I knew I couldn't trust you
to do this without me.

What are you doin'?

First, we just take out
that halyard.

This race is yours!

Aw, come on, dad.
I can win.

Shut your mouth, Teddy!

That's an order.

Shit, what happened?

Now... you may proceed.

The halyard snapped.

Aye! It cou-couldn't
have just snapped.

Look...

You bastards!

Fix that Australian boat.

Well, there-there goes
Cassandra's house.

Well, that's that.

Come on, we can't quit!
We gotta do somethin'. Think!

But we gotta get
the halyard back up there

through the halyard holder.

We can't do that out here!

We're not dead yet!

Man, we're gettin',
we're gettin' smoked!

What are you doin', Hoops?

Desperation move!

- Wow!
- Two points!

- Ty! Take out the main sheet!
- Yeah!

Come on!

Yeah, go, go!

Fly!

Man overboard!

Jesus! Drop the sail, fellas.

Acky!

- God!
- Ack!

Hold on, buddy.
We'll be there in a minute.

Alright!

Acky!

Go on! I got him!

Are you sure?

I got him. Beat it.

Go! Let's do it.

Go get those scum, mates!

Come to me.
Help me, boys!

Check this out.

I don't believe it!

Aloha! We're back!

How are ya? Ha-ha!

Teddy, get this
thing going faster.

Aw, come on, dad.
The wind's dying down.

We're almost to the engine buoy.

I'm not taking any chances.

Dad, damn it.
Why don't you ever listen to me?

I can win!

The only way to win,
Theodore, is to cheat.

Remember.

A little hole in their hull will
slow them down just enough.

Oh my God, he's lost his mind.
Get down!

Oh!

What the hell is that?

Teddy! Come back here!

Come back here, right now, boy!

- Teddy!
- Oh my God.

- Teddy...
- A giant dolphin with rabies.

Come back here!

Teddy!

Theodore!

Teddy!

Come back here!

Help me!

No! Teddy!

Uh, come on, guys,
the wind's coming up.

Let's set sail,
let's get outta here.

Oh, boy, if I ever get outta this.

I'm gonna make you into a stew.

Help me...

...somebody!

Somebody help me!

Alright!
There's the engine buoy!

There's the bouy!
There's the bouy! Ahh!

Yeah!

- Come on, let's go!
- Alright!

Come on, let's get outta here.

Hustle it down!

Come on. Move it,
move it, move it!

Come on, ladies!

Let's go!

Alright!

Let's get out of here.

Alright, start up the engine!

Good luck trying to beat a Merc
with a lawnmower engine.

Alright, come on!

Gentlemen!
Prepare to blow the hatch!

Whoo!

Gentlemen,
I am blowing the hatch!

Come on, Teddy!
Step on it, man.

I got her at full throttle,
she doesn't have anymore.

What the hell have they
got in that thing?

My car.

Thank you very much. Bye bye.

Bye-bye. See you later!

Woo-hoo!

I'd like to thank everyone
that made this possible!

Hey, Cookie.

Why don't we quit playing
all these games?

Yes! Ah, look what I caught!

How you doing?
Are you hurt?

Squid, Squid, look at that.

Boscoe!

- Thanks again, mate.
- You're welcome.

I heard what you did, Ack Ack.

It's all over the island.

You're a hero.

And I'm proud of ya, son!

Damn proud!

I want you to... come home.

Does this mean I have
to give back the bazooka?

Well...

let's talk about it
over a hot chocolate.

Hey, Teddy!

What do you say me and you,
we make a little deal?

You need the trophy
and we need the house.

And everybody's happy.
Come on, Ted.

Okay.

You're only half right, McCann.

That house isn't gonna do you
or your father any good.

I'm not gonna put a dime
in the Beckersted Estates.

This is the real
investment, Teddy.

Friendship!
Here's your house back!

Thank you so much!

The little lady
has quite a voice.

Come on, Teddy.

Ow!

Once upon a time,
there was a happy guy

that love finally found.

And this time,
love didn't pass him by.

Old boy finally caught a break!

This love story lasted
all summer long.

And there was nothing
even the cute

and fuzzy bunnies
could do about it.

Thank you.

There's a bomb, there's a bomb!

Come on, get up,
get up, come on.

95.5 FM...

Music-money time.

This is it, we're looking
for caller number 50!

Good luck!

You're on the air!

- Hello?
- Hello!

Hello. This is the contest
at the radio station?

I hope you're sitting down

because you won
$1 million dollars!

Jesus Christ, I won!

- Oh, thank you so much!
- It's all yours!

This changes everything
for me. Look.

You don't know anything!
I deserve this.

I've been sitting, waiting,
day after day...

What are you gonna do with it?

Waiting for your lousy song!

And now I've gotten through!
I feel so lucky!

I feel so, so blessed!
So powerful!

- God, I won!
- Congratulations!

- Hello?
- Hello!

- Hello, hello, hello, hello?
- No!

Ah, we seem to be cut off here

so, let's take another caller.

Hello, you're on the air.

Did I win?

- You sure did!
- Ahh!

You better believe it, lady.

One million dollars is all yours.

I can't believe it!

Alright, it's certainly been a

great summer for ya, isn't it?

Unbelievable!

Oh, just a second, there's a...

There's a rocket coming in here.

A what? A-a rocket?

- Oh. my...
- Wait!

- What about my money?
- God!

Hello? Hello?
Is anyone there?

♪ If I could grow wings ♪

♪ I would do anything ♪

Clay, Clay, look!

A bonfire! Whoo!

♪ Can't you see ♪

Get the marshmallows!

Thank you so much.

♪ I would give you the sky ♪

♪ Don't you make that mistake ♪

♪ What does it take ♪

♪ It's not like I've been mean to you ♪

♪ It's not like I've got
something better to do ♪

♪ The life I live you'll never understand ♪

♪ If you fly with me we'd never have to land ♪

♪ It's easy to live hard and fast ♪

♪ But inside we know it won't last ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ If I could grow wings
I would do anything ♪

♪ Just to keep you with me ♪

♪ Can't you see ♪

♪ If I could fly high
I would give you the sky ♪

♪ Don't you make that mistake ♪

♪ It's your love that I need ♪

♪ What does it take ♪

♪ Knowing how both of us live ♪

♪ Leaves us so little to give ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ If I could grow wings
I would do anything ♪

♪ Just to keep you with me ♪

♪ Can't you see ♪

♪ If I could fly high
I would give you the sky ♪

♪ Don't you make that mistake ♪

♪ What does it take ♪

♪ If I could grow wings
I would do anything ♪

♪ Just to keep you with me ♪

♪ Can't you see ♪

♪ If I could fly high
I would give you the sky ♪

♪ Don't you make that mistake ♪

♪ What does it take ♪

♪ Knowing how both of us live ♪

♪ Leaves us so little to give ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ If I could fly high
I would give you the sky ♪

♪ Don't you make that mistake ♪

♪ What does it take ♪

♪ It's not like
I've been mean to you ♪

♪ It's not like I've got
something better to do ♪

♪ The life I live
you'll never understand ♪

♪ If you fly with me ♪

♪ We'd never have to land ♪

♪ It's easy to live
hard and fast ♪

♪ But inside we know
it won't last ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ If I could grow wings
I would do anything ♪

♪ Just to keep you with me ♪

♪ Can't you see ♪

♪ If I could grow wings
I would do anything ♪

♪ Just to keep you with me ♪

♪ Can't you see ♪

♪ If I could fly high
I would give you the sky... ♪