One-Eyed Monster (2008) - full transcript

...have decided to withhold comment
pending further investigation.

Officials at NASA
released a joint statement...

with the national weather service this
afternoon saying they,re monitoring...

what's being called a celestial event ,

moving over the southwestern
part of the countrv.

No details are available
at the present time,

but they did say that the atmosphere would
be producing extreme weather systems...

in response to increased magnetic activity
from space.

Yeah, Angel's talented,
did you see her in "Wick Dipper V"?

I don't think so. Is it new?

Fairly new. She did some
fine ball work in that. - That's nice.



And she told me, she was
honored to have you as a coach.

Coach.

I think our makeup girl
has a little crush on you.

Please. This bus ride
is nauseating enough.

Oh, fuck off. Ron's twice the man you are.

When we get up to the cabins, I want to
show you something I've been working on.

You found a new way to hold a boom.

Come on, I'm just a sound guy
like you're just a black man.

No, I think I'm on to something. I think
it's going to revolutionize the industry.

Viva la revolucion.

Cynical bastard. Where's your joy?

Hey, Pop, how much longer?

About forty-five minutes, give or take.

I'd like to drop you all off and get back
down before the snowstorm hits.



Oh, snowball fights.

Radio says it's to be a whopper.
Biggest since 1938.

Yeah, what were you, like, sixty then?
- Come on, leave the guy alone.

I was talking to you.

Anyone know when we're getting paid?

Same as always, Hon,
half up front and half when we wrap.

Jim said there will be checks
when we arrive.

Thank God.
I could really use that six grand.

Six thousand.
She's making six thousand?

What has she done, maybe hundred, hundred
fifty movies? She's just a beginner.

Oh. That's so unfair.

Yeah, we're almost there.

What?

We're doing it here cause I want to get
this thing done without all the agents...

and boyfriends looking over my
shoulder every fucking minute.

Don't worry, we'll get it made. I said
we'll get it made. Hello. Fuck. Jack?

End of the line.

Get me to a shower immediately.

Oh, it's so pretty here.

That's everything.

Thanks, Pal.

Benjamin Franklin? Well, thank you.

So, you folks are making a picture, eh?
- Yeah.

Oh, I sure do love the movies.
Is it a thriller?

Yeah, thrills a plenty.

Wait till I tell Mother.

Listen, now I'll never hear the end
of it if I don't get the details right.

Mind me asking?
- By all means.

Your cock is nine inches, that right?
- Nine and three quarters.

Oh. I owe her ten dollars.
- I'm sorry.

Oh, no harm done.

I'll be back to pick you all up on Sunday.

Unless of course the roads
are snowed in, in which case,

you'll have to wait
a day or two till it melts.

But there's plenty
of food in there in the pantry.

Oh, and I started the generator before
I came and picked you folks up,

so ah, your rooms should
be nice and toasty by now.

Hey, Pops, are we
the only ones on the mountain?

Ah, nope, there's ah, fellow lives over
on the other side, ah, name's Mohtz.

Comes down for supplies
and what not every few months.

He pretty much keeps to himself,

he's been there ever since
he came back from Vietnam.

What's that?

Oh, that's an old communications tower.

This whole mountain was used by the
army as a lookout after Pearl Harbor.

Making sure no Japs come a calling.

Okay, people, grab a cabin and pretty up.

I want to do Ron and Wanda's
first scene before dinner.

We're setting up in the main cabin.

Good luck folks, stay warm.

Hey, maybe we can roast
some marshmallows ...

Hey!
- Roast that, Nerd-Boy.

Excuse me, I have the luggage ...

Is there anything else you need,
Mr. Jeremy? - Oh, no thank you. Ah ...

Laura.
- Laura, I'm sorry.

So many names over the years, you know.
- Historic years.

Yeah, some would say prehistoric.
- That's just awful.

Raw talent like yours is ageless,

and anyone who says otherwise
they can just shut the hell up.

Why, thank you, Laura. So, how long
have you been working in hardcore?

A few years. I used to do
makeup for the Olson twins,

and one of them told me about
a film called, "Lord of the Cockrings".

Gilligan, you and the skipper
here take the bunks.

Sure thing. I don't mind taking the top.
- Appreciate it.

Have you guys think Wanda is as cute as I
do. I don't know, I'm kind of digging her.

She's a sweet kid.
- Think she'd go out with me?

Dude. She's going to blow you
in an hour and a half. And me.

It's totally different.

lt is ten minutes after the hour,

and they still don't know what that thing
is in the sky,

so if l were you, l'd stay indoors, folks.
Z97 FM.

Your room looks just like mine.

Kind of cozy, huh?

This is just like camp.

What's that?
- Lidocaine.

Stubble always hurts when
I'm getting my pussy eaten.

So I spray it on right before the scene.
- Now that's using your noodle.

Thanks. But I'm sure you have some
of your own tricks of the trade.

Yeah. I've got a great one.

So if I'm doing this video where
I have to lick a guys asshole,

I hit myself in the head with a piece of
wood, five times really hard, right there.

What does that do?

It disables the olfactory
bulb in my limbic system.

I can't smell anything
for twelve straight hours.

So I ask the director to make sure all my
ass-licking scenes are on the same day.

Cool.
- Works.

Come in.

Hey, hey.
Okay, what's the matter?

Been put out to pasture, Ron.
- What are you talking about?

I never should have come here.
I don't know what I was thinking.

I guess I was hoping maybe
I could fill in for somebody,

or maybe they'd add a scene
just because, because I was here.

Pretty deluded, huh?
- Not at all.

I'm the worst kind of diva,
an out-of-work one.

Truth is, I don't belong
in hardcore anymore,

you know there's no
room for a woman my age.

Do you remember the first
film we ever did together?

Um ...
"Women in Love" 1979.

I played your fiancé.
- Right.

28 years later I'm here to tell you...

that the years have made
you only more beautiful.

Right.

What you're lacking is confidence,
and that is a shame.

Ronny, do you know how
tough it is to be confident...

when half the girls
on the set call you Mom?

That shouldn't matter. How you feel,
that's what matters. Look at me.

I don't look like a porn star,
except for my cock.

But, I play the fool, and I get the joke,

I'm in on it, and that
makes it kind of hip.

And I try to bring a different character
into the role that I play,

and that gives me confidence.

But I can't suck my own dick anymore.
- Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry.

With the added weight and the back pains,
all I can do is kiss the tip.

That's more like it.

Let me tell you something Veronica,
you have something really special.

That I have found very hard to resist.
- Thanks, Ronny.

You know, I do wish Jim
would put me in the movie,

I think I've got a few surprises left.
- What are you waiting for?

Why don't you go talk to him?

I guess maybe he just
needs to be persuaded?

Maybe he needs your secret weapon.
- Maybe I'll show him.

Atta girl, remember, you are a porn star,
show him what porn stars are made of.

Thank you, Ronny.

Hey there, coach. Shouldn't you be running
lines with Wanda or something?

She knows her lines. I know her lines.

Don't start with me, Veronica,
we've been through this.

Yeah, I know, we've talked and talked.

But, I just don't think talking is getting
us anywhere. Do you? - Huh?

Oh.

Whatever.

I've fucked them all, but if you think you
can make a case, the floor is yours.

I prefer the desk.

Come on, give it to me.

Oh. That's it. Hold it right there.
- What? Oh, oh. What are you doing?

Oh, what I was trained to do,
what I was born to do.

But how? We're not even moving
and you're massaging ...

They're called kiggles, Jimbo.
Muscles in the vagina.

Every woman has them,
but I know how to move them. - Ah, ah, ah.

Like a concert pianist, moving their
fingers. You like it don't you?

Yeah, it's good. Oh, goddamn,
I'm going to shoot. I'm going to shoot.

No. You're not.
- What?

Let it go, I'm gonna, I'm gonna cream.
- No. Not 'til you put me in the movie.

Oh, I can't handle this, please, I'm ready
please. - Put me in the movie.

Oh, okay, you're in. You're in the movie.
- First scene?

Okay, you're in. Please!

See you on set.

Points!

We're going in twenty minutes.
Lance, Rock, I need you in makeup.

Laura is set up in her cabin.
Jonah, you almost ready?

Almost.

Hey, Pointdexter, I'm paying you to hold
the boom, not play video games.

Put your toys away.

Jawohl, Herr Direktor.

What's that you working on anyway?
- Ah, program I designed.

Nothing special except that it might
change the world, as we know it.

What's it do?
- Ah, what's it do, he asks?

Sit down, sit down.
I think you're going to like this.

This is a neuro-tactile simulator.

A what?
- A neural tact ...

It's a doohickey, and so now all you have
to do is answer one simple question.

Shoot.

If you could fuck anyone,
in ah, any orifice,

who would it be and,
ah, how would you do it?

Oh, that's easy. Anna Nicole Smith's tits,
when they were alive.

Ah, no see, I need, I need an orifice.
- Paris Hilton in the mouth.

Paris Hilton. Paris Hilton.

Now, I'll need you to put your
big buddy inside that thing...

before I run the program.

Hold on there, partner, I don't
want to fuck with my livelihood.

You do fuck with your livelihood.

It's perfectly safe,
it's been tested many, many times.

Well.
- And cleaned.

Okay.

Ah, holy shit!

Oh, this is great.
So this is what it would feel like.

Pretty good, huh?

Hold on a second, Einstein. You expect us
to believe he's fucking Paris Hilton.

Ah, in the mouth.

If you want her in the ass,
I'd have to change the settings.

And pick up some brownie mix.
- Oh, not yet. Oh.

This is the real thing, boys.

See, I've got two thousand
celebrities in my database.

I organized the data consisting of three
dimensional measurements, fluid content,

skin tone and, ah, muscle strength,
all of which is available on the internet,

and then I wrote a program to
send the information to that thing...

which is nothing more than
a bunch of moving sponges,

mineral oil and an adjustable aperture.
So, for all intents and purposes.

I'm fucking Paris Hilton.
- In the mouth.

Let's do it again for Christ sakes.
"Wet Dream Girls" scene one, take five.

And action.

So, are you going to be our new manager?

It looks that way, yes. In the meantime,
may I audition your pussy? - Okay.

Yeah. Hey, hey, hey.

Ah, hold on, hold on a second.
Wait, wait, damn it.

Hey, old man,
what the fuck is wrong with you?

I just need about maybe twenty minutes.
I need a little bit of air, that's all.

Are you okay, Ron?
- Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine.

Okay, that's lunch, back in twenty.

Ron, get your shit together, this movie's
getting made with or without you.

You all right?
- I miss the good old days, Jonah.

You know, the sets, the lights,
when a script had an actual story line,

and wasn't some fuck film knock off,
of whatever the current hit was.

You weren't moved by "Schindler's Fist?"

We were given actual trailers
to hang out in. - Is that right?

We were treated like stars.
Hell, we were stars.

Now I feel like some schmuck caught on
tape, in some dumb-ass reality show.

Well, back to the grind as it were.
- Yep.

Tell Jim I'll be in the truck getting
his filters, will you? - All right.

Hey, Jonah!

Shooting star.

Alright, ready to go?
- Yeah, as ready as I'll ever be.

...thought so, too, but if it smells bad,
it's probably not cancer.

Okay, let's do this before
the next fuckin' century please.

Ron, are you with us now?
- Yeah. I feel a lot better. Let's go.

That's more like it. Jonah.
- Okay.

Ready.

Okay, places, and roll...
- Hold on, I hear wind.

Good for you, roll tape.
Speed. And action.

Oh, oh, oh. Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Oh God, you're going to pass this audition
with flying colors, you know that.

Do you like it?

Okay, Ron, Veronica, doggy style. Jonah,
let's get two shots from in front of her.

Oh, that's it, yeah, fuck me from behind.
- I can't wait to.

I'm going to roll you like a carpet,

ride you like a Harley and
flip you like a cheese omelet.

Oh, you sweet talker you.
- What did Lee Strausberg used to say?

Breath, character, focus.
- Breath, yeah.

How long is it going to take to relight?
- Ready.

Okay, Ron, take off your sweater.
- I'm not wearing a sweater.

Okay, and action.

Oh, yeah, oh, oh.
- Oh, yeah.

That's it. - You'll pass this audition.
You're the best.

Oh, yes. Fuck me.
- Oh, lady.

Yeah, fuck me.
Do I get the job, huh?

Oh.

Careful, tiger.
- Oh, oh, oh.

Something's wrong with Ronny!
- Oh, oh, oh.

Fuck!

What is it, Jonah? Is she okay?

Oh, she's hemorrhaging badly.
- Well do something, we're losing time.

Check her purse,
maybe there's a tampon in there.

Oh, this is just perfect. God damn it,
I can't believe this is happening to me.

Shut the fuck up, will you?

Here you go.

We're going to need a bigger tampon.

Fuck.

Hurry, T.J.

All right, that should hold it.
Let's put her on the couch.

Where, where's Ron?
- Over there.

Holy shit.
- What the hell?

Correct me if I'm wrong,
but he's missing his dick.

You know what I'm saying, I don't see
his dick. - What the fuck you just say?

Ron, can you hear me.
- It's cold.

Get a blanket.

There you go. Hang in there.

Hey, Jonah, remember when
I fucked that girl that time?

I don't understand, where the fuck is
his dick? - How the hell should I know?

Well, it just didn't get up and walk away.
- Actually, it did.

Camera's been rolling all this time.
I checked the play back.

Now watch Ron. He's trying to get our
attention. He had a pretty good reason.

Look. Look at his dick.

What about her?

The bleeding's stopped.
She's just in shock.

Did you check her snatch,
maybe it's gone, too.

How the fuck
is a snatch going to run away?

Oh, pardon me, but I'm still trying to
understand how a dick did it,

because I didn't think that they could.

I wonder where it went?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, damn, yes, give it to me.

Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, fuck, yeah, slap that ass.

Oh yeah, give it to me, fuck me.

Fuck me.

Shit.

Harder.
Fuck me harder. Fuck me harder.

Give it to me, baby.
Yeah. Just like that. Fuck me.

Fuck me harder, fuck me harder.

Angel, I'm trying to do my homework. Could
you please rehearse somewhere else?

It's just that I've got a midterm...

Gin!
- Shit.

That's three in a row.
- Yeah, thanks, I didn't realize that.

Don't you think Ron
has the cutest mustache? - Yeah.

There's a dick in Angel's mouth.

Yeah?

No, no, you don't understand.
It's not attached to anyone.

Oh, I'm sorry,
I was just putting on my ...

Oh, oh, oh. Oh, yeah...

Holy shit.
- Oh my God.

Jesus! Now that's what I call giving head.

You insensitive creep!
- Come on, man.

Okay, okay, keep your panties on.
You saying a disembodied dick did this?

Do you think I'd make that up?
- What should we do?

We got to do something with this body.
- There's a dumpster out back.

He's a human being,
not a fuckin' pizza box.

We can pack him in the snow until
we can get an ambulance up here.

Now how do you propose we do that?

There are no phone lines up here,
and my cell doesn't get a signal.

It doesn't matter.

No one's coming up and down this mountain
any time soon. Not in this storm.

We'll pack him in the snow,
until it blows over. Come on.

Jonah, I can't touch dead bodies.

I'm about a minute away
from passing out as it is.

Hey, I didn't even like the guy.
- Fine.

Take him around the side.
I don't want to be stepping on him.

You can't just leave.
- Watch me.

You'll never make it down the mountain.

I'll take my chances with the mountain. I
won't take my chances with a killer dick.

Coward!

You got to be fucking kidding me.

Help us.
- Oh my god! Help us, guys.

We need help.
- We need some help. She's dead.

A dick went through the back of her head.
There's a hole in it. - Shut up.

Now, what happened?

I know you're gonna think I'm crazy.

I just saw a disembodied
dick in Angel's mouth.

It was choking her and it killed her.
The dick went through her head.

You should have seen the size of the hole,
thing's got to be huge.

Just calm down a bit, now where's Rock?
- He left in your Z.

Motherfuck.

What about the makeup girl,
Linda, Lorna, ah, Laura!

She was with us, but I don't know.

Hey.
- Are you okay?

I'm fine, why?
- What happened to Veronica?

Nothing, she's just sleeping.

Is she dead? What happened?
- Would you just stop it, it's ...

T.J., what's going on here?
- Nothing is... Hey, that's my Z.

Jonah!
- No!

Jonah's out there, remember.
- Fuck Jonah.

He's probably already dead, it's the dick!
- The only dick I see is you. Lance!

Oh, great.

Fuck me? Fuck you!

I should throw your sorry ass out there.
- I'm sorry. I didn't mean...

Holy shit, that's the dick.

Wait a minute.

S...O...S.

You telling me it knows Morse code?

If it does I'm ready for death,
but I think somebody's out there.

Who is he?
- Look at his jacket.

I'm assuming this is our neighbor from the
other side of the mountain. Mohtz.

Jesus, he must have walked all the way
here. It's amazing he's not dead.

He's close. Get him to a chair.

This is insane.

Even if he is this guy, look at him,
he's probably some Vietnam lunatic.

What do you want us to do, huh?
Send him home with a goodie bag?

Don't we have enough shit to deal with?
Besides, there's not enough food for him.

Oh, there's plenty.

Especially now that
we lost Angel and Rock.

Wait, we're missing somebody.
- Where's Ron?

I want to get off this mountain
as much as you do, okay.

But this blizzard is
forcing us to stay here.

So, why can't we just continue
working and... - Working?

You're out of your fucking mind?
- Hey, nineteen year old!

I don't care how hung you are,
if you talk to me like that again,

you've made your last fuck film.
- Look, he's right.

The picture is not our priority right now.
- Hey, speak for yourself.

If I don't get this film made,
I'm going to lose some limbs here.

Man, if you don't shut up, you're going to
lose them a lot sooner.

What about the communications tower? Maybe
we can go over there and radio for help.

In this weather, nah, it's way too far.

Well, what's his face made it from
the other side of the mountain.

And I think it's stopped snowing.

Yeah, but the temperature's dropped what,
20 degrees since then?

It's suicide, but be my guest.

What are you going to do about Ron's dick?
Are we safe in here?

Guess we'll find out.
- What does it want?

Why don't you ask it? Maybe it talks, too.

You know, when I went to the truck to get
those filters, I saw something in the sky.

Ron saw it, too.
It's almost like a shooting star.

And I saw a really bright light,
just outside that door.

I could see it from my cabin,
but I just thought it was one of yours.

I don't have lights that bright.
- What did Ron say about it?

Nothing, but, he was acting kind of
strange when I got back from the truck.

Why?
- Maybe nothing, maybe everything.

I have a theory.

It's a little way out, but I saw a dick
scurry out of the tail pipe today,

so I'm willing to consider
just about everything. - Go on.

The shooting star, the bright light,

Ron acts weird, and his dick
takes off running. - And killing.

Yes, I haven't forgotten that.
And killing.

What if that shooting star
was some alien life form...

that invaded Ron and took control of
his dick? - Ah, give me a fuckin' break.

I don't know, I'm just rifling here,

but it seems to be only natural that, ah,

if an alien wanted to take over the
planet, it would need to seed it.

A dick?
- Well, not just any dick.

One that had access to as
many vaginas as possible...

and could penetrate them as deeply
as someone like Ron could.

Maybe it even knows who's
capable of conceiving right now,

and sees anyone who isn't as a threat.
- So, you're saying it scouted Ron?

I don't know, I'm tired, but maybe it did.

Hey, Mister X files. Why just the dick,
why not all of Ron?

Women don't usually fuck dicks
that aren't attached to men.

Unless they're battery operated. - I don't
think it's interested in wooing anybody,

ah, it just wants to replicate.

And it clearly doesn't mind using force.

To the alien, everything but the dick
is baggage. - We got to kill it.

No.

I just mean, can't we trap it or
something? Maybe it's just scared.

You didn't see what that thing
did to Angel. It was horrible.

So, how are we going to do it?
- I'll kill it for you.

It's a death machine, smart.

You've got to outthink it.
Never saw one that big though.

You've seen it before?
- One.

Well, care to elaborate, old-timer?
- No.

Then what the hell are you doing here?

Saw that streak of light from my cabin
on the other side. - The shooting star.

You can call it whatever you want to,
but that's not what it is.

What are we doing listening to this guy.

He probably thinks he's in the jungle for
Christ sakes. - Why don't you shut up?

So, you know what it was?
- Your man there already knows.

So it's a Martian?

Sweetheart, I don't have
its mailing address or anything,

but I can tell you one thing, it's not
from this God forsaken planet.

You said you know how to kill it. How?

Whatever it was, whatever it's gonna be,
right now, it's a dick.

Brilliant.

And therefore, subject to
the physiology of one. - Bright boy.

Oh, of course, of course.

It seems to kill during an act of
penetration, meaning it's erect,

but okay, but what about after that?

If it's a dick, it needs a refractory
period, right? - So what?

So that's when it's spent.
That's when it's vulnerable.

I just call it a rest period.

So, we just need to get it
to blow its load, but then what?

Circumcise it to oblivion, with an axe.
Should have one in your shed.

How are we going to get it to come?
- She's a porn star, she can fuck it.

Hey!
- Fuck you!

No one's fucking it.
- At least, no one human.

Come again.

I'll set up the neural tactile simulator.
- Good.

The what?
- We'll explain later.

Right now, we need to get that axe.
Someone has to go to the shed and get it.

Choose.

There's only four, what about him?
- The man's frost-bitten.

And he volunteered to kill it.
Who's gonna go first?

Hail Mary full of grace.

Oh, fuck that, I'm not going out
there with that thing on the lose.

Stop calling it a thing. It's got a name,
Ron. It's Ron Jeremy.

Hey, weird girl, I don't care if it's
Ron McDonald, I'm staying right here.

Give me a reason.
- Okay. Okay. Okay.

I'll give you fifty bucks if you go
out there for me. - No thanks.

Two hundred. A thousand? Thousand?
Thousand dollars, anyone?

Bundle up.
- Fine.

If any of you think you're
working in fuck films again...

At least give me something to protect
myself. - There's a shovel out there.

That's all I had when I was
waiting for you to let me in.

If I were you I'd hold a tight asshole.
- Couldn't get any tighter.

Okay. Whatever the fuck you are.
You want me? Here I am.

Just going to the shed to get the axe.

That's gonna bobbit
you back to outer space. Yeah.

Hey. I could help you.

I produce movies.

I know a lot of women, do pretty kinky
shit for a little coke, what do you say?

Ah, fuck you.

So it's a trap, huh?
- It's a simulated vagina.

They're all traps.
- Nope, no issues there.

Lance, come here for a sec.

Hold it right there.

Think we'll make it out of here?
- Your guess is as good as mine.

This is my first adult film.
All my friends said not to do it.

They said I'd get aids. I told them
everyone gets tested now.

Jonah, come take a look at this.

That's my light meter.
- Ah. It was your light meter. Walk away.

Good, now walk back but faster.

How about that, part Boom guy,
part MacGyver.

You made a motion sensor
out of a light meter?

It's not such a stretch
if you think about it.

I mean, what is light but, ah,
electromagnetic motion.

I just recalibrated the sensitivity...

and installed an audio trip for the beep
from one of my microphones.

This is for the kitchen?
- For the kitchen, yes.

Now we'll know if it's near, see,
no surprises.

Good job.

Wanda, you okay?

Oh sweet. You my friend are
getting me the fuck out of here.

It's empty. God damn it.

What the fuck?

Hey, Wanda, don't worry,
we're going to make it.

That's more than we can say for Angel
and Ron. Even Rock didn't deserve to die.

Well, you haven't known him long enough.

That's more like it. I love your laugh,
it's, ah, I don't know, like music.

Really?

This may sound kind of stupid and all,

but on the bus over here
I was writing a song for you.

You were?
- Want to hear it?

Yeah.

l know a pretty girl named ¤anda

She's someone that l'm a¤ully fond-a...

Well, that's all I got so far.

When we get home, safe and sound,
if it's okay with you,

I'd like to call you up on the phone,
and ask you for a proper date.

I'd like that.

Oh, I want to see you.

I think I saw a flashlight in the cabinet.
- Oh, yeah, here it is.

Thanks. Hey, there doesn't seem
to be a switch on this thing.

How are you supposed to turn it on?
- I think you probably have to suck it.

Okay, let's do this.

T.J., put your stuff in the kitchen.
Mohtz, I got a chair in there for you.

It could be a long night. Laura, I'm going
to need the panties you have on.

Uh, okay.

Fellas.

Sweetheart, I make porn, I don't see what
makes your change purse so special.

You're pretty proud of yourself there,
aren't you?

Well, it might not make millions,
but it just might save our lives.

This'll do.
- How do you know it's going to show?

It'll show.

I'm going to watch over the women here.
- Good, sure looks like they need you.

Wake me up when it's over.
- Where are Lance and Wanda?

I saw them going to the bathroom together.
- Hey, party time.

Fine. Let's leave them alone.

Hey, Jonah, I don't think I'm ready
for this. I'm feeling a little jumpy.

Yeah, I could use a drink.
- Abracadabra.

Home, home on the range, where the...

Ah, I forgot the rest of it. Come on man,
don't bogart the whiskey.

It makes sense.
- What?

Why it's here, why it chose Earth.
We practically broadcast commercials.

English.

Think of all the satellite signals we send
out into space on a daily basis.

Billions of them, each one saying, ah, hey
folks, Earth here.

Now, of all the broadcasting that goes on,
on the planet,

fifty percent of it's got to be porn.
I mean, that's probably conservative.

And of that fifty percent, half of
it's got to feature Ron Jeremy.

They were just looking for, ah,
a familiar face. Well, not a face.

That tattoo there on your arm is,
ah, Airborne? - 182nd. Gulf War.

405th Infantry, outside Danang.

Whole platoon got wiped out,
but it wasn't Charlie.

You're shitting me.
Friendly fire killed your whole platoon?

No, no, not exactly.

One night me and
the CO are pulling guard duty,

and we're sharing a joint, Thai stick.

I'm really stoned and, ah, all of
a sudden we see this streak of light.

And it looked like it landed maybe
about two clicks, northeast of camp.

So, the CO says I'm going to check it out.

Go ahead Cap, more dooby for me,
so off he goes.

It could have been ten minutes or two
hours, I don't know, I was stoned.

He comes back,
and I noticed he's acting weird.

But now, no problem,
it's just the Thai stick kicking in.

Well, man, pretty soon he starts jumping
around like his pants are on fire.

I'm not shitting you, you know, and he,
off comes his pants, rips them off,

he rips his skivvies off, now I got my CO
standing there in front of me,

butt naked from the waist down.

And then something happened, man,
that boot camp did not prepare me for.

This guy's pecker, his dick, ripped itself
off his body and headed for the tent.

So, the CO's screamin' like
hell pretty soon I can't hear him,

because the screams
are now coming from the tent.

Wanna know what hell sounds like?

I think it sounds like thirty
men getting massacred by a dick.

So, ah, I went over and hid
behind a rock for about an hour...

and I had to listen to my
whole platoon being murdered.

And I heard one guy get a shot off,
but then I heard him getting killed.

After it stopped ...

I very cautiously, believe me,

crept into the tent to get a radio
to get some air support and...

I see the dick,
lying there on a sleeping bag,

and it looks like it's looking back at me,
but it looked you know, fucking weak, man,

and it was like in this ah,
you know, shriveled...

What kind of period is that you called it?
- A refractory period.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, I could have killed it right
then but I was so stoned,

I was afraid I'd miss,
and on the other hand,

I knew it was just a matter of time before
it would be,

you know, back in action again.

So, without taking my eyes off of it,

I get a radio and I have
them chopper in two Saigon whores.

So for the next half hour,
I'm holding my weapon on this dick,

now I figured it won't know I'm stoned, so
he won't jump me, you know.

So, chopper arrived just in time,
thank God,

because now the dick
was getting big and hard.

So I tell the two whores, look,
I'll do anything, man.

I'll take you to the States,
anything,

if you just lie down there
and spread your legs for me.

Well, I guess States was the magic word,

because you never saw two whores take
their panties off so quick in your life.

Now, the dick must have smelled dinner,
because it makes a beeline for the whores.

So, I watch. And I wait. And I watch.

Finally, finally, I grabbed it and I went
outside and I threw it in a bunker.

God, Jesus Christ, man, about ten seconds
later, out runs about fifteen gooks.

And I could have nailed every one of them,
but no, I made a priority decision.

Threw in a grenade.
Fire in the hole, fa-foom!

Well, guess what, now it's raining dick.
Yeah, raining dick.

I crawled into a whiskey bottle
when I got back to the States,

and I've been there ever since.

Okay, this thing's ready for action.
- Good, what about you?

Well, I'm certainly drunk.
- Good enough.

Hey, if this thing manages to get
out of the kitchen somehow,

the women in that room are sitting ducks.
- Jim's in there.

Right.

Rest easy, friend,
man and machine are on the job.

But just in case,
seal us in from the outside.

Good luck.

It moves like an inchworm.

Like a nine-inch worm.

Here we go.

Come to Uma. Come on. Come on.

When I get out of here,
I'd like to try that.

Almost there. Almost.

And ...

Oh shit, oh shit.

No, no, no, no, no, no!
- What's wrong?

Uh, it's crashing,
there's nothing I can do.

Damn it!
- Pull it out.

I can't do that.
- Pull it out, fucker!

No. - Goddamnit, I said pull it out,
you fucking cocksucking pussy!

Kill the fucker!
- Shit, I fucking missed!

Jesus, hurry up again before it gets ...

Oh, no, no, no, we keep
forgetting it's Ron Jeremy's dick.

Fuck. Kill it!
- It's on your neck.

I know that. Kill it!
- I can't do that.

Chop my motherfucking head off!

What the fuck? Oh my god,
somebody get me out of here. Please!

Please, Jonah, Jim, anybody.
Please, get me out of here!

Get me the fuck out of here right now,
please, oh my god, the door!

What's going on?
- Hurry, goddamn it.

Oh my God.
- Get me the fuck out of here!

You trying to get us killed?
- Back off.

What's happening?
- Must be the generator.

It's been working over time,
could be out of gas.

Where the fuck are we going to get gas?
We'll freeze to death.

I got an extra five-gallon
gas can in my truck.

I'll do it.

Oh, you will?
When did you grow balls?

Well, someone's got to
stay and protect them.

If that thing gets through this door, I'm
gonna be too busy shitting in my pants.

Okay, let's go.

Guys, guys, I'm okay now,
you can open the door.

What the hell?

Seriously guys, I'm fine, come on, please
open the door. I'm stuck in here.

No.
- What?

I don't think that's T.J. talking.
- Who is it?

It's that thing.
Must be animating him or something.

Come on, guys, open the door.

It's in his ass, it's running him from
his ass. What do you want from us?

I want you to open the door.
- Who are you?

Open the door.
- Fuck you.

You will not survive.

What the hell?

Son of a bitch.

I'm going to be sick.
I'm going to be sick.

Oh, oh, oh.

Come on, come on.

Oh, oh, oh.

This isn't over. We just need to
keep warm until the snow melts.

They know we're out here.
Someone will come get us.

Who are you trying to convince?

No.

Take it. I went to boot camp in Alaska.
I learned to ignore the cold.

Boy, you know, it's really cold
when you can see the heat.

You mean your breath.
- No, over there.

Where?
- It's coming from the floor.

Give me a flashlight.

I'll be damned.
- What is it?

Must be an underground passageway.

There's a ladder that comes
right up to the floor here.

Got to be ten degrees
warmer down there, too.

Where does it go?
- I don't know.

What did that bus driver say?
We're on an old army base, right? - Right.

I wonder if these cabins are connected,
and maybe ...

We can get to the radio control tower.
- I said maybe.

And even if we did,
we don't know if it still works.

But at least we won't freeze to death,
or be sitting ducks for that thing.

It's not a thing.

Yes, it is. Now listen to me, Ron's dead.

You can go around to the side
of the cabin and see for yourself.

I know you dug him, and that may be his
dick out there, but it's a mass murderer.

What about Veronica?
We can't just leave her here all alone.

Get my light meter off the kitchen table.

Okay, we're ready.

Help me.
- Grab her legs. I got it. Ready?

Got her?
- Yeah.

Radio tower should be this way. Let's go.

Hold on.

How much further?

I don't know. Maybe one hundred,
two hundred yards?

What's that?

Maybe nothing. Stand still.

Shit.
- What?

Something's coming.

It's a rat.

Strange, looks kind of dead.

Let's go.

This has to be it.

Get her up, get her up.

All right. Let's go. I got her.

Here goes nothing.

Mayday, Mayday. If anyone can hear me.

There are three of us on
top of Lookout Mountain.

One of us is seriously injured and we're
stuck in the snow. Six others are dead.

We're being stalked by a ...

Are you out of your fucking mind,
you just killed us.

Maybe not.

How long you been awake?

I heard your Mayday-call.
Oh, oh. Who's in me?

You have a tampon, you were hemorrhaging.

What is that?
- It's Ron's dick, minus Ron.

What? Is Ron okay?
- Not really. He's dead.

Oh, oh, oh, my God. Oh God. Oh.

Kids, did I ever tell you
what I can do with my keggles.

Your what?
- They don't call it a trap for nothing.

But I call it my C-clamp. Trust me.
I can stop a bullet with it.

The banging stopped.
Do you think he went away?

It's probably got a headache.

But I can bring him back.

Ron could never resist me.

Yeah, well,
he almost killed you last time.

But this time I'll be ready for him.
- No. No.

Go on now.

In a few days, we'll meet at the Burgandy
Room, have drinks and laugh about this.

Go on.

Anybody see it?

I do.

Sweet Mother of God.

Jonah. Get it!

Hit it!

Jonah!

Enough. If there's any part of Ron
left in you, this is what you want.

Smell good?

You bet your ass it does.

That's it. Get it and come.

Oh, good.

You're good. How about a little massage?

Oh that's it.
Good, oh baby.

Come on. Oh, oh, oh. Come on.

It wants to come.
- How do you know?

Can't fuck a guy two thousand times,
and not know a thing like that.

Go on, kill it.
- Okay.

What are you doing?

I'm clamping down its head,
preventing it from coming.

It's gonna explode.
I thought you were going to kill it.

I'm going to kill it.
But I'm checking out, too.

What? Why?

Because the world's no place for
senior citizens. - You're forty-seven.

Yeah, but in porn star years
it's more like a hundred and three.

And I am a porn star.

Get out of here.
- Oh my God, it's going to explode.

Veronica, let it come.

Hurry. Oh, oh, oh.

Where are we?
- Toolshed.

How?

Snow melted enough, for me
to carry you down the mountain.

Thanks to that.

Rain.

Not rain.

Ron.