On the Double (1961) - full transcript

Berlin, 1944.

A secret radio message from Adolf Hitler

personally to his spies in Great Britain.

"Kill General MacKenzie-Smith, please."

Hitler wasn’t himself that
day, those terrible headaches, you know.

Here in London, this
is how the message was passed on.

It's only now that we
of British Military Intelligence

have been able to piece together fully

the astonishing story of Project 402

from captured German documents.

We thank Paramount Pictures in Hollywood



for having the
courage to put this on the screen.

I know we wouldn't.

The German Secret
Service didn't hesitate a moment

in placing Hitler's orders into effect.

MacKenzie-Smith was drawing up the plans

for the Allied invasion of Europe

and had to be stopped at all costs.

Here come General
Eisenhower, Field Marshall Montgomery,

General de Gaulle,

and Sir Lawrence MacKenzie-Smith himself,

wearing the familiar eye patch.

Stop! Stop or I'll shoot!

Dear, dear. We don't seem to be catching up.

Well, after all,
the Germans are in a Rolls Royce



and our lads only have American Jeeps.

Not that we're not grateful, mind you.

Uh, it is better than walking.

Oh, come, come. Let's get those ruddy names
off the screen and get on with the story.

Never heard of any of those chaps. Have you?

This camp area is now sealed.

That night MacKenzie-Smith
sealed every military area in Britain.

Nothing could move in or out.

Not even 2 American
soldiers assigned to a British base.

… is permitted to leave this base

by personal order of the General
Officer, Commanding – General
Sir Lawrence MacKenzie-Smith.

MacKenzie-Smith, that so and so.

Boy, you can say that again.

Oh, cheer up, Joe. So we can't
leave for home for a coupla more
days. At least we’re eat’n, anyway.

Pack up your troubles
in your old kit bag and smile…

Smile… Smile…

Sure. After all the trouble
we went through, to get the Red Cross

to give us an
emergency leave for the States.

My poor wife have’n an operation.
Your poor Mother, desperately ill.

My poor Mother isn’t
desperately ill. She's in Miami Beach.

- She sent me a picture of her in a
bathing suit. And she was out on the beach…
- Shh!

- Shut up, will ya!
- What? What’s the matter?

My poor sister

works for the Red Cross.
You wanna get her in trouble?

No, I don't wanna get her in trouble.

How many times have
I told ya, I'm on a salt-free,

fat-free, high-protein
low-calorie, low cholesterol diet?

Now, what's so difficult about that?

It's not easy to get it on a shingle.

- You know what really hurts?
- No.

We don't even belong in this teabag outfit.

Well, I know that. The, the--

Our company was
just loaned to the British Army

to show ‘em how to open Spam or someth’n.

All right. Well… well look,
why don't we go and see the Captain?

We'll explain the whole situation to him.

He's a pretty nice fella.
He'll cut some new orders for us,

and then in a coupla
days, we'll be leave’n for home.

- Ernie, this is the Army, remember?
- Yeah, I remember.

There’s still a coupla boys

trying to get home from Gettysburg.

They'll make it.

What are all them
Officers do’n in here tonight?

Inspect’n someth’n, I guess.

Why ain't they out fight’n the war?

What do you want from me?
Why aren't we out fight’n the war?

Because we want our
side to win. That's why.

Sit down, chaps.

- We're all in the same leaky boat.
- Oh, thanks.

Not us. We're supposed
to be sail’n on one tonight.

- Our sick ones are wait’n for us.
- Yeah, in bathing suits.

This military camp is now sealed

by order of the General, Commanding,

by order of His Majesty's government,

and by order of the Prime Minister.

Prime Minister, oh hey…

(imitating Churchill):
We shall fight them

on the beaches. We shall
fight them on the streets.

But… how can we fight them

if we can't get out of this ruddy camp?

All right. Quiet, will ya? I've gotta think.

Now, there must be somebody we know

that's got enough
influence to get us outta here tonight.

- There's only one man.
- Who?

(imitates Hitler):
Sieg heil!

(speaking in German)

Now he'll run his whole Luftwaffe for you.

He has a gamut of 3.

It's because he was raised
in the… in the German section of Brooklyn.

Talks German like a
native… an African native.

(in english, but still imitating Hitler):
There'll always be an England,

but they will be driving Volkswagens.

We will have the…

Ernie… Ernie, your
mustache fell in the mashed potatoes.

It looks right at home.

Yeah, well…

see, without my patch… I have 1 good eye

with 20/20 vision and 1 bad eye…

it’s a case of extreme myopia, you see.

And… I wrote a letter
to my Draft Board about it, but…

He's jolly good, you know?

- Where did you get him?
- Good… the life of the party.

Do an imitation of the boat sail’n

- for the States without us.
- Oh don’t worry, we’ll get on.

Yeah, “we’ll get on…” When?

(imitating Louis Armstrong):
When the saints go marching in…

Look, will you quit fool’n around?

Honestly, we'll get go’n.

- Oh, certainly…
- Of course.

I can just see MacKenzie-Smith,

that one-eyed old slave driver

giving you permission to go.

Yeah, so can I. All right… here.

(imitates MacKenzie-Smith):
Now… speak up, young man, don’t mumble…

Uh, what's his Mother
doing around in Rip Rolls, what?

Good heavens, man.

Why didn't you speak up sooner?

Oh, yes. I say unseal Britain

and let my people go.

Don't encourage him, please.

Oh, that's the old bird to a “T”.

Young man… Gentlemen…

your duty is merely to do your duty.

Do you understand? Obey orders.
That’s the crux of the whole situation.

Now yours is not to reason why.

Ours is not to reason why either.

If anyone stops to reason why,

we should all be in Miami Beach with Mother.

Ha, ha, I say,
that's a rather witty one, what?

Well… what?

Carry on.

- Let’s go!
- Come on, chaps!

On the double.

- Listen, we better get outta here,
it’ll only take ‘em a minute to realize…
- Ernie.

Put the blinker back on.

Well, what for?

We're go’n out to the motor pool,

grab a car, you'll sit in the back seat,

and I'll drive you out, General.

What’s a matter with you? Are
you nuts or someth’n? You know what
you get for impersonating an Officer?

I won't be impersonating an Officer.

Sure, that's what I mean.
I'll be impersonating an Officer.

- I don’t wanna do it!
- Ernie, it's dark outside.

- Didn't you see how you fooled that
limey Captain?
- I don’t care how I fooled him.

- You’ll be sitting in the backseat,
wearing all that brass.
- I don’t want anything to do with this!

I'll make like your chauffeur. It's a cinch.

You must be out of your mind or someth’n.

- You don't even know how to drive.
- The impossible we do immediately,

The incredible
takes just a little bit longer.

My answer is no!
Unequivocally, incontrovertibly
and categorically no, no, no!

Who goes there?

Oh, sorry sir.

I didn't know you
were visiting the camp, sir.

But I have strict orders sir, your orders.
Not to let anyone go through the gate.

(imitates MacKenzie-Smith):
Quite, Sergeant.

Um, very good.

But I've just revoked the order

and I am in a bit of a rush.

Open the barrier. There's a good man.

Sorry sir, but you must prove
your identity. The usual formality.
May I see your identity papers, please?

Blasted man! I have urgent business

at Supreme Headquarters.

I have no time to play
Tin Soldier. Never have.

Now you know who I am.

Open the barrier or I shall have my man

drive through it!

Open.

Once we get outta
sight, I'll take the wheel.

I gotta hand it to you, boy,
I must say, maybe it was you

who had the IQ of 185.

I guess it was mine.

Listen, you better
get out and change that tire

before they try to come and help us.

Where do they hide
the tools in these things?

- I don't even know where they put the motor.
- Yikes! Give me a hand, will you please?

I can't do that. I'm the General.

So, be democratic.

Oh, stop worrying,
will ya! They didn't even notice us.

Hey, I think I found the jack… look.

Do something!

Look, I think I found a fuse.

Oh, what fender.

What to do?

Let me get out of here!

Lift up, so I can put the jack under here.

Yeah, oh, God!

Get this thing up…

We have transport
for you, sir. Please get in.

We'll take you to Supreme Headquarters.

I've got a better idea.

Take me to jail.

Yes, yes. A remarkable
resemblance to the General.

But we must be absolutely certain.

The Nazis, I'm sorry to say, escaped.

They've slipped through our
fingers again, even though
we sealed off the entire area.

Colonel, we’ve always had
Project 402 up our sleeve as a last resort.

Finally, we seem to have stumbled on a man

who has a chance of carrying it off.

Yes, but yeah, you've
seen the report on this fellow?

He's a hypochondriac, a malingerer,

a confirmed grouser, he's got flat feet…

But it made a monkey
out of the Sergeant Le Garde.

Nonsense. At night,
and for a few seconds only.

Colonel.

We're both in intelligence
and we both understand that in
the time of war, things are done

that could get us
committed to a booby hatch

- in peace time.
- There's something in that.

Now sometimes the
long chance is the only chance.

Perhaps you're right.

Well, I'll tell you what we'll do.

We'll have this fellow, Private Williams,

brought in tomorrow and leave
it to the General himself, to make

the final decision. How's that?

The General himself?

One thing we've learned from you Americans,

my boy, the higher you pass the buck,

the longer it takes to come back to you.

Our code name for
this chap was to be Dead Pigeon.

Goodness, do you think he heard me?

Okay, Corporal. We'll take it from here.

Come along.

Sir Lawrence, this is Project 402.

Good heavens.

Oh, please don't judge by

his present unprepossessing appearance, sir.

Z2 has investigated him thoroughly, sir.

This man has an amazing ability for mimicry.

Oh, jolly, we'll have to make sure.

Step forward, man.

Step forward, damn it!

Yes, sir.

Turn around.

Faster!

I can't turn around any faster, sir.

If I turn around fast, I get dizzy

and nauseous and everything, sir.

- Turn around!
- Yes, sir.

It's like this, sir. You see, sir.

It's a form allergenic vertigo, sir.

It's… a deviation of the inner ear.

It's quite an interesting problem medically.

I wrote a letter to my
Draft Board, explaining the whole thing.

What is this ruddy
nonsense? I say, stop it, you hear.

- Halt!
- Just in time, sir.

I say there… there is a vague
physical resemblance, but I do say, chaps,

don't you think we're
going a bit near the knuckle?

Oh, excuse me. MI-5
have also investigated this man, sir.

Tested him thoroughly.

Actually, his impersonation
of you is skillful, even uncanny.

Please don't judge too hastily, sir.

Yes, yes, yes, of course.

What did you say this chap's name was?

Williams. Private Ernest Williams.

Yes, yes, of course. Uh, you.

Let me see you play
General MacKenzie-Smith

in your uncanny and skillful way.

Would you mind putting out that cigar, sir?

I'm… I’m allergic to tobacco.

My sinuses simply are not
equipped to han… handle it, sir.

It's all in that
letter, page 4, paragraph 3.

Look here, man! I haven't got all day!

General Eisenhower is waiting.

Oh, tell him not to, sir. I don't do him.

Of all the blithering
idiots, I give you exactly 5 seconds

to comply with my order
or I'll ruddy well have you

taken out and shot!

Or are you allergic to that too?

(imitates Mackenzie-Smith) :
Of all the blithering idiots,

I give you exactly
5 seconds to comply with my order

or I'll ruddy well
have you taken out and shot!

Or are you allergic to that too?

Rather good, me boy. Rather good.

I say, that's quite
a remarkable resemblance.

I'm glad you think so, sir.

Yes, I do.

My congratulations, dear fellow.

Yes, yes. Quite remarkable.

Blast me if I don't think he'll do.

- You mean, you're not going to
shoot me for impersonating an Officer?
- Not I.

Have you been told about your assignment?

Assignment?

We'll take care of that
later. He hasn't been told a thing.

- Well, what are you talking about,
gentlemen? What haven’t I been told…
- Face the General

- Oh, excuse me, sir.
- Williams, you deserve a drink.

- Oh, thank you sir.
- What’ll you have?

- Skim milk.
- What?

I'm on a salt-free, fat-free, high-protein,

low-calorie, low-cholesterol diet, sir.

Blast it, man! Any
man who wants to step into

my shoes better learn to drink my brandy.

- Yes, sir.
- I presume you always employ the eye patch?

Oh, yes sir. I think
they let me keep it, sir.

I have it. Oh… no,
that's the Hitler mustache.

I can tell by the mashed potatoes.

(imitates MacKenzie-Smith):
All leaves canceled
forthwith for the fortnight.

That's the wrong eye,
you idiotic nincompoop!

A mistake like that might be tragic.

Well, you see, sir, I have 1 good eye

and 1 eye with very poor vision.

When I imitate you,
sir, I always put the patch

on the bad eye so I can see.

But if you insist on it, sir,
I can put it over on the go… good eye,

Here, man. Here's your drink. Drink up.

Sir, I have a liver condition…

There'll be steel
through it if you don't drink up.

Well, you see, alcohol makes
the enzymes in my blood have their own…

Be quiet, man, or I'll have you hanged

for insubordination!

Yes, sir. Very good, sir.

If that's what you really want, sir.

Sorry, sir.

I… can't see a thing,
so I should always wear it on this…

Ooh… say, huh… Did I put 2 patches on, sir?

For heaven's sake, man, drink up

- and get out of my sight.
- Yes, sir.

Oh… excuse me, sir.

Yes, sir.

- That will be all.
- Uh, yes.

Take him out and try
to persuade him to desert.

- Sorry about this, sir.
- Yes, sir.

Come along. You've
got him, Jeff. Oh… Top Secret, sir.

The enemy expect the invasion here.

Now, at all costs, we must confuse

the German High Command
as to where the blow will really fall.

Already we've sent an actor

who resembles Field Marshal Montgomery

on a tour of North
Africa to convince the enemy

that the attack will be launched from there.

Sound thinking.

Thank you, Private Williams.

Very kind of you.

Now, General MacKenzie-Smith
will shortly take off by air

for Yugoslavia

where the 2nd front will really begin.

He must travel, of course,
in complete secrecy, disguised.

Disguised perhaps as
a private in the American Army.

Private Ernest Williams.

I see.

And you want me to impersonate the General

for a while so that the German High Command

will believe he is still in London?

Sound thinking.

Thank you, sir. Very kind of you.

I've been doing
some more sound thinking, sir

- and… I don't think I want the job… sir.
- What?

Well sir, doing it for
the fellows is one thing

but in real life,
day after day… I'm not even British.

I honestly don't think I could carry it off.

Well, in that case, soldier, I'll arrange

for your Court-Martial immediately.

Thank you, sir. Court-Martial, sir?

Court-Martial?

- Impersonating an Officer,
in the time of war, is a Capital Offense.
- Well sir, when’d they do that?

I think the fellow is quite right.

- After all, an American. How could he
possibly be convincing as an Englishman?
- Who ever gave you that idea?

You did, of course.

Well, sir, when does a
Colonel listen to a Private, sir?

I mean, sir… I've been
doing a lot of sound thinking

and I don't think there's
anybody else could play this part, sir.

- You don't?
- No, sir
- Very interesting.

Yes, sir. Certainly on the surface

I may appear American
to you but dash it all, underneath,

my roots go back to the Pilgrim
Fathers, and perhaps 1 or 2 of the Mothers.

(imitating MacKenzie-Smith):
You do realize I
play cricket every Whitsuntide?

For old Genenid…
(continuing speaking gibberish)

Would you mind telling
me what you’re talking about?

I don't know, sir,
but I do know I'd like the job.

Under those circumstances, my dear chap,

I'll be happy to see that you get it.

You have nothing to worry about.

We'll give you a complete make-up job.

- Make-up?
- Put a little gray in your hair.

And we're gonna put you
through a whale of a training program.

You'll study the General's actions,

appearance, friends, the whole works.

When we get through with ya,
you'll not only look like the General,

but act like him and think like him.

- and drink like him…?
- That might be necessary too.

Well, I can't do that. You see, Colonel?

I'm on a salt-free, fat-free, high-protein,

low-cholesterol, low-calorie
diet. Or did I mention that before?

We'll cross that
alcoholic bridge when we come to it.

- Chin up.
- Uh, I want you both

to know that I'm very happy to do anything

that will make certain
that the government of the people

by the people and for the people

shall not perish from this earth.

Thank you, Honest Abe.

4 score and 7 years ago,

or forefathers
brought forth upon this land

a low-calorie, cottage cheese,
which is the only salvation for…

Don't you think, generally,
perhaps we ought to tell him?

Tell him what?

That a spy ring of
German agents are operating

within our own headquarters?

… that's already made 3 attempts

on MacKenzie-Smith's life.

Of course, it may be
wise to risk someone else's life

for the General’s but…
I don't altogether agree

with you Americans, you know?

I think that a soldier
assigned to such a mission

- ought to be… ought to be told
the truth, and allowed to volunteer.
- Colonel…

in 2 years of Army service

Private First Class Ernest Williams

has never volunteered for anything

including volleyball.

My only regret is he only has but 1 life

to give to his country.

Consider him our rebuttal for Britain.

All right, Jeff, my boy. You may be right.

Here you are, then.

- To Lend Lease.
- Lend Lease…

Will you be needing
the car again this evening, sir?

No. That will be all.

You're dismissed, Sergeant. Thank you.

Yes sir… the usual tonight, I assume, sir?

Yes, yes. Yes, of course, the usual.

- Thank you, Sergeant.
- Very good.

Well, you certainly
fooled the General's driver.

- Nice going.
- Yeah.

How's the contact lens we fitted for you?

Well, I had a little
difficulty with it at first, sir,

but, gee, I see out of it wonderfully now.

Oh, good, good.

I was wondering, sir.

Could I have this contact
lens after I finish with this job?

Don't quite know how
we'd be able to get it away from you.

By the way, have you
got the spare lens we gave you?

- Yes. Yes.
- Where is it?

- I have it right here.
- Don't lose it.

- The General's suite is on the 3rd floor.
- Yes?

- Sergeant Twickenham and his
bad manners is waiting.
- Yes, sir.

- He's been told everything.
- Yes, sir.

- Well, tomorrow you make
your 1st public appearance,
- I do?

launching the Joint Allied
Red Cross Medical Morale program

- with General Zlinkov of the Red Army.
- Oh.

- Don't forget to study his speech.
- No, I won't, sir.

- Now tonight you’re on your own.
- Yes, sir.

Go straight upstairs.
Don’t speak to anybody.

- No, I won't. I… I mean, can I tell the
elevator man what floor I’m on?
- He knows.

- Oh, he does.
- Good night, sir.
- Well, good night.

Good night.

Evening Twickenham.

I said "evening."

Well, don’t stand
there gaping man, take my hat.

- Amazing!
- Pretty good, huh.

You should’ve caught me at the airport.

Ahem! Men, we have
an enormous job of work to do.

And I say to you that in case of all

the Allied victories,
there is nothing in the world

that we must value as
highly as absolute discipline.

Heh, pretty cute, huh?

The resemblance
is absolutely astounding, sir.

- It is?
- But if I might suggest?

- Oh, sure.
- Shoulders erect. Head back.

Not too far, sir.

A slight trace of a limp in the left leg.

Wounded in France.

- Dunkirk?
- No, sir. Paris.

Lady in a spiked heel.

The General was barefoot at the time.

Well, they told me he was married.

Yes, sir. That too.

Lady Margaret, lovely girl.

She's in Canada, you know,

on a War Savings Bond Drive.

That's good. I'll just have
to remember to keep my shoes on.

- Good evening Twickenham.
- Evening Stanhope.

You forgot your briefcase, sir.

As usual.

Yes. Thank you.

Uh, yes, quite, quite. Thank you very much.

Well, good night. Pip, pip. Cheerio.

Thank you.

I won’t need you any longer this evening.

Thank you very much indeed.

You may go back to the motor pool, Sergeant.

Beastly night, though, isn't it, sir?

Double beastly, actually.
Well, good night, Sergeant.

Carry on. Press on. Pip, pip.

Tally ho, and… you may fall out.

What?

- What's wrong with you?
- The usual.

Of course, Larry. You're the General.

Yes, of course. Quite.

I must investigate
this absolutely thoroughly.

I think you'll find
everything where it should be.

Good night, Sergeant.

Good night, General.

Sergeant!

- You’re out of uniform!
- As usual.

Twickenham!

Comman--!

What's wrong with you tonight, darling?

You're acting a little cold, aren't you?

Cold.

Yes, that's what I have. A beastly…

You had better leave. You might catch it.

I know a lovely way
to break up a cold, Larry

or have you forgotten?

You know, you were very distant towards me

in the car tonight, darling.

I… hope you're not holding what happened

last Thursday PM against me.

Not at all. Not a bit.

Not a smidgen. Not a wit.

No, no. Not even Wednesday AM.

Wednesday AM?

Larry, you mad fool!

Ah, you haven't changed a bit, after all.

Do…

do you really think
she has a cure for the common cold?

I wouldn't doubt it for a moment, sir.

That's what my speech is about tomorrow.

I did try to warn you, sir.

Yeah, well.

Uh, what am I gonna do?

It would be dangerous
to arouse her suspicion, sir.

After all, the General
has got a reputation with the ladies.

I know that, but
I'm on a salt-free, fat-free,

high-protein,
low-calorie low-cholesterol diet.

You better get me outta here.

Tell her anything. Tell her something.

Tell her I've… gone to visit a war…

I'm engaged in a secret conference…

tell her anything…
something… I've gotta get out.

- Don’t tell me she’s got a friend for you?
- Oh, no, sir.

I once asked her.

It's Lady Margaret sir, the General's wife.

Lady Margaret? You told
me she was in Canada on a Bond tour.

- She must’ve sold ‘em all, sir.
- What kind of a war is this, anyway?

I thought we were fighting the Germans.

Hey, you keep Lady Margaret
busy. I'll get rid of Dr. Cronkite.

Sergeant. Sergeant? Where…

Sergeant? I say, Sergeant, where are you?

In here, Larry.

What?

You impetuous beast.

I'm sorry, your baggage. My wife, you know,
an awkward nuisance… what. Cher… cheerio.

What am I supposed to do?

Out of the bath, into your clothes,
out of the window, onto the fire escape,

down to the street. Hm, the usual.

Larry.

Maggie!

I say it's absolutely
wizard to have you back, old girl.

Larry!

I… don't I do that to you?

I'm terribly sorry. I… I…
mean… I was absolutely overcome, you see.

Been ghastly lonely,
you know. Just me and Ike and Monty

and Charlie de Gaulle.

Larry, you know I don't
find you amusing any longer.

Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to take a
bath and freshen up. I’ve had a long flight.

- I was here first!
- What?

I mean… I mean, there's been
awful trouble with the plumbing.
It’s been absolutely beastly!

I had to pitch in myself, you see.

Do… do you realize that all
the good plumbers are in intelligence now?

That… that's a rather good one, what!

I… I'll have it fixed straight away.

Now what, darling?

Oh, you are a bit slower this evening.

Quickly, dear. On the double.

Larry? What’s… what’s wrong with you?

- You seem so different.
- Different?

You've changed.

What's happened to all the passion?

- The poetry?
- Passion… poetry.

Yes. Good night. Good night.

Parting is such sweet sorrow

that I say good night till it be morrow.

Oh, Larry!

In dreams I kiss your hand, madame.

But drink to me only with thine eyes.

I'd be down to get you in a taxi, honey,

but you'd better be ready

by half-past 8, dear don’t be late!

I shall be there when
the band starts… playing!

Yes! Here, dear!

Sorry, I took so long.

I had a bit of
difficulty, but it's all fixed now.

Your tub is ready. I drawed it for you.

Eh, dreeded it for… drewed it for you.

- Difficult language, isn't it?
- I’m rather tired.

- I just thought I’d turn in.
- Oh, capital idea.

Absolutely capital. Yes.

I’ve… I'm a bit fagged out myself.

I think I shall turn in myself.

Come over here, Larry. Come on.

What ever for?

Well, I want to talk to you.
I’ve been in Canada for too long.

Yes.

How are Toronto
Maple Leafs doing this season?

Wonderfully.

- And how is your dear Mother?
- Mother?

Oh, she’s absolutely
fine. Roaring. Bubbling as well.

Gears are locked. Absolutely smashing.

Received a letter only yesterday.

My dear Larry, your
Mother has been dead for over 2 years.

Well, the mails are
terribly slow these days.

You know… snow, and sleet, and hail,

and traffic lights and that sort of thing.

- Who are you? What are you doing here?
- I’m a chicken, and I’m getting out!

Twickenham!

Twickenham!

Your Ladyship.

You'll excuse my forwardness,
but I took the liberty of calling

MI-5 Military Intelligence.

Colonel Somerset's on the
line and he'll explain everything to ya.

Well, I certainly hope so.

Don't let him out of your sight.

I guess I didn't fool her at all.

Don't worry, sir.

The General never does either.

Larry's where?
Yes, I did return unexpectedly.

Project 402?

Dead Pigeon?

What is this soldier supposed to do?

Oh, now, Colonel Somerset, are you serious?

Does he know this?

Oh, I think that is
totally unfair! He should be told.

Well yes, Colonel,
if you say it's Top Secret,

not a word.

All right. I’ll do my best.

Poor unfortunate fool.

Uh, her Ladyship.

Ah, sorry, sir. She'll expect this.

That will be all, Twickenham.

Ah, yes, my Lady.

I'm sorry about all this. I didn’t
know whether you were supposed to know,

whether I was supposed to try
to convince you that I was Larry or…

I understand.

You may put your hands down.

Oh, thank you.

I… certainly wouldn't
like to cause any embarrassment.

I… I could sleep
outside on the couch or something.

- You could lock the door.
- No, we'll play the game to the hilt.

You sleep in Larry's
bed. He seldom used it anyway.

- You sure it’ll be all right?
- I still have the gun, soldier.

I hope you'll forgive
my being a bit shaky, but…

I’ve never met a Lady before.

I mean I've met a lady, but…

I’ve never met a Lady lady.

I had a peculiar idea

that you'd be wearing a crown or

coronet or a halo. Something like that.

Oh, I haven't worn a halo in years.

You could’ve fooled me.

Lady Margaret, I'm curious about something.

Did I… did I play the
part well enough to fool you?

I wouldn't mean permanently,

but, I mean, momentarily, when we first met.

Oh, that's when you made your first mistake.

Because Larry
hasn't kissed me hello in ages.

- He hasn't?
- And as for the other women in his life,

he never bothered to hide them from me.

You know, that might
be an expression of an inferiority complex.

It could mean that he loves you very much.

I wish I could be as forgiving as that, but…

I came back from Canada

to ask Larry to give me a divorce.

War hero or no.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Maybe all he needs
is to go and see a psychoanalyst.

I once had an Uncle who hated my Aunt.

He went to see an
analyst every day for 6 months

at $25 a visit

and he learned to love her all over again.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Then he ran out of
money, so she divorced him.

I don't know why I'm telling you all this,

except that it has absolutely nothing to do

with your situation at all.

If you're supposed
to have fooled Larry's friends

and I presume you are,

you've got an awful lot to learn.

- Oh, I’ve been well briefed.
- You have?

Yes. I've been down at headquarters,

and they've been showing newsreels of him

and I've been reading biographies

and oh, I've been practicing too.

- Practicing?
- Yes.

Limping and swagger-sticking.

I even put a mark on my eye

where the patch is supposed to go over.

Larry doesn't need
that patch any more than you do.

He doesn't?

It's just that one eye has a tendency

to become quite
bloodshot after 5 or 6 brandies,

his usual condition.

I don't like Officers like that.

They think they're winning the war.

You're winning the war, Private Williams.

No, not me.

I'm not doing anything much.

I'll be finished in a few days.

- Unless…
- Hmm

I think you'd better get
some sleep, ‘cause you might need it.

Well, good night, Your Ladyship.

Good night, Project 402.

Our man from Brooklyn remained
a perfect gentleman all night, huh!

And he sent his
Uncle to the psychiatrist!

What'd I say?

You said, “My old friend, Marshall Zlinkov.”

“It's been a long time since
those gay old days in Moscow.”

Your accent is excellent.

Yes, I've got that
phrase down pretty pat, but

suppose the General
asks me something else in Russian.

I can't keep telling him about
the gay old days in Moscow, all the time.

I should be on the platform with you,

and I’ll tap you when you must answer.

Once for nyet, meaning no.

Twice for da, meaning yes.

3 times for mozhet byt, meaning perhaps.

- We're getting close to the area.
- Once for nyet, meaning da.

Once for da… 2 nyets for mozhet, meaning…

Here, here. How about
a spot of brandy for the nerves?

No, thank you. I don't.

You don't happen to
have any yogurt in there, do ya?

- Yogurt… none.
- Yeah.

Well then, you better have
the brandy yourself. Ah, twice for yeah.

Actually, I learned this speech
by heart. There’s nothing to worry about.

I get out of the car and everybody cheers.

I step on the platform. Everybody cheers.

I deliver the speech. Everybody cheers.

I get back in the car,

and they go out of their minds, cheering.

And just think, a week
ago, I was peeling potatoes, badly.

We're here.

Ah, Twig, we're here.

Ah, Twickenham.

It's no time to fall asleep.

I've got to remember
the nyets and the mozhet…

Twickenham! Twickenham, say something.

Take him out. Hurry, they're cheering you.

- Tell ‘em to stop
- What's the matter?

Well Twickenham!
He’s dead! Not only mozhet byt!

- We’ve been expecting this.
- You have?
- Yes, yes.

Poor Twickenham.

High blood pressure,
you know. And a touch of malaria.

Malaria, I believe.

But he had such a good complexion.

But he also had…
cirrhosis of the liver and a weak heart.

Cirrhosis…

You never know who's gonna go next, do ya?

Sometimes you do.

We’ll take care of him.

You go on. They're
waiting for you. Good luck.

Maybe if he'd been on a fat-free…

I don't think that would have helped.

Well look, I can't go
out there. Look at that crowd.

You've got to.

You know, you can fool
some of the people all of the time

and all of the people some of the time.

But the first fellow who said that was shot.

May I welcome you on
behalf of the United States Army.

Also on behalf of
our distinguished visitors,

Marshall Gregory Zlinkov
of the Army of the Soviet Union,

General Sir Lawrence MacKenzie-Smith

of the British General Staff.

We gather here on the eve of the invasion.

You men will spearhead the attack

and rest assured in the knowledge

that today as we launch a new drive

for the plasma that will bring to the fore…

Tovarish, Doctor.

No, no, Marshal.
It isn’t necessary for you to…

General MacKenzie-Smith,
you speak the Marshal's language.

Would you explain to your
old friend. It’s merely a demonstration.

We're not taking any blood samples.

- I say Marshal…
- Da?

- Nyet.
- Da.

No, no. Nyet.

I believe he said… this reminds him

of the gay old days in Moscow.

I say. I say, what are they doing there?

- Ready sir?
- Da.

Da… aah!

Hero.

Carry on.

Men, we have further good news.

After intensive research,

the Medical Corps of the United States Army

is passing along to its Allies

a major breakthrough in medical science.

Those 2 enemies of seaborne landings

mild burn exposure
have finally been conquered.

One shot of serum D-104,

and seasickness becomes an old wives' tale.

No, no, Marshal.
This is for the enlisted men.

We have also developed
S-604, a new anti-influenza vaccine.

- How do you do?
- Gentlemen,

never has the Army had 2
such distinguished guinea pigs.

Not at all.

- Ready, sir?
- Ready? Oh, yes.

Pardon me.

No, sir. These are in the arm.

Oh, terribly sorry.

I say, do… do… do be gentle.

Thank you.

Men of the invasion
forces, the hero of Dunkirk,

El Alamein and Tobruk,

General Sir Lawrence MacKenzie-Smith.

As you are, men.

Men…

no longer the scourge of the common cold,

no longer the discomfort of seasickness.

As you men of the spearhead of the invasion

disembarked from your landing craft,

you will be so healthy and so fit

that your condition
will come as a complete surprise

to the German Army.

And so I say to our gallant Allies:
“Hip, Hip.”

Achoo! Pardon.

Let me “Hip, Hip,” achoo.

I'm afraid I'm not much of a cook,

but this is the best
I could do without Twickenham.

Twickenham.

That was the fastest
case of cirrhosis I've ever seen

in my whole life.

What about that
stray bullet that knocked my hat off?

Boy, that was really close.

- You know what I think?
- What?

I think somebody’s mad at me.

You'd better eat properly.

- You’re the only one who worries about me.
- What have you been detailed for tomorrow?

Well, I'm supposed to ride through
Trafalgar Square in an open car.

And, they want me to sit up on the back

so that the people
can see me when they cheer.

I'm a symbol, you know.

You're a target.

- A what?
- A target.

A sitting duck.

Do you know what
the code name for you is?

- No what?
- Dead pigeon.

- Dead who…?
- The German Secret Service

has been trying to kill my husband

and you've been set up to take his place.

No, no. He's going
to Yugoslavia to open a 2nd front.

All the English troops are
going to Yugoslavia because they said

that when they went to
Yugoslavia, all the troops would be able to

attack behind the Danube…

Dead Pigeon?

Do you know why
we're giving that party tonight

for the Officers of Larry's old regiment?

No. You mean the
MacKenzie First Highlanders? No.

They've learned that the chief agent

of the German Secret
Service, is one of the Officers.

And tonight, they've invited everyone

they suspect of wanting to kill you.

I'm sorry. I'm
get’n outta of here right now.

I'm turning in my
eye patch, sir. And my mustache.

I figured out
your whole cold-blooded scheme.

Pretty clever, wasn't it?

If they don't get me at the party
tonight, they get 3 shots for a quarter

at Trafalgar Square.

Well, you can have all your pips back.

I'd rather be a
Private in the front lines under fire

from shot and shell, sir.

Don't take that literally, too, sir.

I'm sorry, Colonel Somerset.
I suppose I've broken security

but I couldn't let you do it to him.

That's all right.

I understand how you
feel, both of you, of course

it was a matter of military necessity.

But there's been a change in the situation.

Why? Are they switching to knives?

No.

I'm sorry to have to
break this news to you, Lady Margaret,

under these circumstances.

What's wrong, Colonel Somerset?

The aircraft that was
taking General MacKenzie-Smith

supposedly to Yugoslavia

was in point of fact headed
for the invasion headquarters in Kent.

It was going a
roundabout route to confuse the enemy.

It was, I regret to say, shot down
over the channel by a Messerschmidt 109

Everybody lost,
including I'm afraid, your husband.

You have my very
deepest sympathy, Lady Margaret.

Are you all right?

Yes, thank you. I'm all right.

It's strange that at a time like this

you only remember the good moments.

So you understand our
strategy has completely changed.

The sad death of General
MacKenzie-Smith before he fully
completed the Allied attack plans

will delay the 2nd front
for weeks. But the Germans must not know.

So, you must be at the party
tonight, for the General's old regiment.

Even though you think somebody at the party

is going to try to knock me off?

We're sure of it, but this
what will make the whole thing work.

- Oh, fine!
- When they expose themselves,

that’ll give us the
opportunity of breaking the spy ring.

I see. Before or after they try to kill me?

Oh, before, naturally. We hope.

Oh, look, sir. I like to go to parties,

but I'd like to go home afterwards.

Under the circumstances, Williams,

the decision must
be yours. This is not an order.

Well, in that case…

But you must realize
that thousands of Allied lives

may depend upon you.

Well, in that case…

We have no right to ask
you to commit what might be suicide.

Well, in that case…

But the whole of the
United States Army is at stake.

- Well, in that case…
- Williams, what do you say?

Help!

Don't forget for
a moment that you're in danger.

Be careful.

Above all, be gay.

Don't trust anyone.

You can trust me.

Remember, if you want to convince them

you're really Larry.

Fine.

How do you do, Vicar?

At the end of the
evening, you'll get boring drunk.

And you and I
must have a large family brawl.

How do you do?

We may even strike each other.

- I couldn’t do that!
- You must try.

How do you do?

- Lady Margaret.
- Hmm-mm?

If anything happens to me tonight,

I want you to know
these have been nicest 2 days

I've ever had in my whole life.

Nothing is going to happen to you.

And there he was General Biff Browningham

with only 1 chukka to play.

And I…

Pardon me.

Excuse me. Who's the
gentleman that just bowed to me?

Well, that’s Captain Patterson.

He was in the MacKenzie Highlanders.

Just an acquaintance of Larry's.

- Bit of a climber, I think.
- Is he?

Been in the Middle East.
Don’t know too much about him.

Well, that's good because
I couldn't stand all the details.

A drink, your Ladyship?

No, thank you.

Look here, Sergeant.

That's General Brown Wiffingham.

Commanding South Hampton Staging Area.

Oh, yes. I recognize
him from the Regimental photo.

We're supposed to be very good chums,
and we’ve played rugger together, right?

India, Ceylon, Malta… all that kinda jazz.

And he calls me… he calls me Binky,

and I call him Puffy.

Puffy.

It's kind of nauseating. Isn't it?

Well, you're very fond of him.

But you're not crazy about him.

- Binky!
- Puffy, you old scoundrel!

And dear Penelope.

How are all the children?

Didn't you get my letter from New Delhi?

Oh, yes. That was too bad.

What is too bad?

I mean, I was absolutely overjoyed.

About what?

Em, eh, I save stamps, you know.

You can have you head
blown off and still say something witty.

- Have your head blown off?
- Excuse me.

- Good evening, Colonel Somerset
- Oh, hello.

I’m so glad you could come.

You need to know,
it's a pleasure, Lady Margaret.

By the way, I don't think
you or the General know my wife.

- How do you do?
- How do you do?

- You’re doing fine.
- Head blown off.

We intercepted a radio message.

They've changed their plan.

- I don't know what they're trying now.
- Head blown off?

No, no, no, no.

Now… I'm following it up.

Nothing could possibly happen to you.

Houston’s downstairs.

I know everything about everybody here.

Oh, my dear.

Now, what can we do for you, eh?

What would you like?

Oh, the usual.

Good heavens.

- What happened?
- Lady Vivian.

I was hoping she
wouldn't find out about the party.

She'll ruin everything.

Well… come on, let's meet her.

Yes.

Well, Lawrence?

What have you got to say for yourself?

Head blown off.

- Oh, Aunt Vivian, I'm so sorry.
- Aunt

Larry's favorite Aunt

and I forgot to invite you.

Yes, a complete oversight.
But my apologies, dear Auntie.

Auntie?

You've never referred
to me as Auntie in all your life.

I didn't?

Old Iron Drawers was the
kindest word you ever had for me.

Yes, Iron Drawers.

I know this was a deliberate slight.

It wasn't at all, Auntie Drawers.

Larry, what's wrong with you?

Wrong with me?
There's nothing wrong with me at all.

- Your eye’s not twitching!
- Pardon?

You know very well, when I
walk into a room your eye always twitches.

You see dear,
I finally managed to overcome it.

- I don't twitch at all now that…
- There's something strange about you, Larry.

I can't quite put my finger on it.

Well, you see, Iron Drawers, I mean Auntie,

I'm not quite myself tonight.

No, I have noticed improvement.

Yes. I… uh, um…

What you need is a drink?

- And so do I.
- Well, I can't have.

Buck up old boy!

Where's the bar?

What's wrong?

What’s wrong?
My contact lens… she knocked it out.

- Can you see at all?
- No. Who are you?

- Oh my lo… Somerset!
- Head blown off.

- Look, it must have gone under the table.
- Everybody's looking.

Drop your earring so we can go after it.

- My goodness, my earring.
- Oh, you clumsy fool.

You've dropped your earring, have you?

Oh, where's the table?

Left rudder, you fool.

Puss, come on. Give me that lens.

I'll buy you a monocle.

Would you gimme. Gimme.

What are you? A German spy?

- There you are. Did you find it?
- Lady Vivian?

Obviously, you didn’t.
Where's the other contact lens?

I left it in the bedroom. But wait a minute.

There's a car outside,
in the street, blinking its light

and I think it's a signal of some kind.

Don't worry about that. I'll
see to it. Now, go and get the lens first.

You join the others.

Yes. I will. Oh, good heavens, the cat.

- Ah, Larry. There you are.
- Major Houston?

No. But, where have you been all this time?

I have your drink ready.

No, but I'm not thirsty actually.

- Pull yourself together.
- Yes.

- We’re about to drink a toast.
- A toast?

Here. To the King.

- Here.
- To the King. God bless him.

I shall be going back there then.

Come back.

- To Scotland.
- To Scotland.

- Here
- To Scotland, God bless him.

I've forgotten, sir.

- Which is your favorite?
- Eh, favorite what?

Why Captain Patterson,

everyone knows
Sir Lawrence only smokes these.

Binky, you’ve always had
the finest taste in cigars and women.

- Another toast.
- Another toast.

- To the Regiment.
- To the… Regiment.

- Were you in it too?
- No.

To the Regiment.

- Come on Binky…
- You have to sing something.

Okay.

The Regimental song, Larry.

Don't you remember it, sir?

Of course I do.

Yes. He always leads us into it.

Come on, love.

♪ Drink a toast ♪

A toast, Larry. To the Regiment!

To the Regiment!

To the Regiment.

To the Regiment!

Binky! Still pulling our leg!

I tell you. I think he's marvelous.

Yes, isn't he?

Gracious heaven.

Larry! Larry!

Stop, Larry! Stop!

You're making a travesty of the Regiment.

And of our native land.

One thing you never
made fun of, Larry, was Scotland.

Well, look at me.

What?

There's something strange going on.
You can’t even look me in the eye?

Well, give me time, dear.

Do you know what I think?

I think you're not even…

Not even sober.

Larry, how can you disgrace me like this?

Night after night?

Now, look here old girl.
I've had just about enough of this.

I'll drink how I want, when I want,

when I want, how I want, when I want,

- and I won’t any, even if I don’t want.
- You drunken sot!

You sober fish wife.

- Now hit me, Larry.
- No, I…

How dare you do that to me!

- That's our Larry, all right.
- Yes, I believe it is.

One thing Scotland
knows how to make and that's whisky.

…and then you picked up that pudding,
and you missed me and you hit Lady Vivian.

No, I was cheating, I could see a little.

And what was the last thing I hit you with?

The cat.

I’m… I’m glad they found the contact lens.

- Yes, we were running short.
- Yes.

Is your eye all right?
I mean, I didn’t hurt it?

Oh, no. No, it's quite all right.

Just like old times.

You know that song I coughed tonight?

- MacKenzie First Highlanders?
- Yes.

It… it's very much like a song

we used to sing in the 4th grade.

Well, that's quite possible.

Many of these old Scottish heirs were used

over the years with different verses.

How did it go back in the 4th grade?

I wonder If I can remember it.

♪ When the fine mist of Scotland ♪

♪ Is over the land ♪

♪ I am dreaming of Maggie
and remembering when. ♪

♪ We would stroll there together ♪

♪ And swear n’er to part ♪

♪ With her eyes like the heather ♪

♪ She had stole my heart ♪

♪ Many the year that has past us ♪

♪ Since we've been apart ♪

♪ But my wee darlin', Maggie ♪

♪ Is still in my heart ♪

♪ With her eyes like the heather ♪

♪ And skin fresh as dew ♪

♪ To my wee darlin’ Maggie ♪

♪ I will e'er be true ♪

- I don’t think I should sleep
in here tonight.
- Why not?

Well, it was all right before, but
now that you don’t have any husband, I…

I don't think I should sleep in this room.

That doesn't make any sense at all.

It's not supposed to.

MacKenzie-Smith here.

Oh hello, Colonel Somerset.

Well, that's wonderful.

Fine.

Good work. Yeah.

Well, they think they've got their man.

Tomorrow at this time,

they think I'll be able

to go back to being
Private Ernie Williams again.

Just a minute. Will you tell me something?

Do you want to go back
to being Private Ernie Williams?

You can get used to almost anything.

Sorry. Go find a mouse.

- Ernie?
- Yes.

I want you to know, you’ve carried off

the entire show magnificently.

And I think you’ve been as brave
as Larry himself would ever have been.

No, no, no, no.

I'm not as brave as Larry because,

if I were really as brave as Larry, I’d

be brave enough
to do what I really wanna to do.

And what do you really want to do?

But I'm too much of a coward to do that.

To do what?

This.

Who is it?

Sergeant Stanhope, sir.

An urgent message from Major Houston.

Ernie.

The eye patch. The moustache.

Thank you, Sergeant.

Ordered to Headquarters immediately.

- Emergency.
- The car's waiting down below

with the Major, sir.

I'll be down directly.
Thank you, Sergeant. Press on.

Well, I guess they got him.

They probably want
the General’s uniform back

and the General's
eye patch and the General's wife.

- I… I want to apologize.
- What for?

Well, for… taking
advantage of the situation just now.

I… I guess we both
had a little too much to drink.

Oh… would you do me a great favor?

Of course.

Well, after the war,
if you ever get to Brooklyn,

Yes?

Don't look me up.
Nobody'd ever believe it.

I say, this is silly bother,

scurrying about in the
dead of night like a ruddy obstetrician.

I'll wager there's no emergency at all.

Would you care to risk a fiver?

Three sheets to the wind, eh?

Aw, what you need,
young man, is some… tomato juice,

raw egg, Worcestershire sauce and…

Head blown off.

I say… the… the Major is dead.

Uh, would you stop… the Major…

I say, would you…

The… the Major is quite dead, you know.

I say, would you stop…

Uh, look, the man…

Well, here, please. You're out of uniform.

The… the Major’s dead…

The Major is quite… say something.

Heil Hitler.

Say something else.

Don't attempt to escape
or the Major will have company.

Playing the fool
at your party was clever General,

but not quite clever enough.

You'll never get away with this.

I say, Stanhope, turn the car around.

I said I order you to turn the car around.

Not tonight, General.

But… if you turn the
car around, I'd promise you the usual.

I hated every minute of it.

Good show there.

Machen sie schnell (eng: hurry up).

I never suspected her
for a moment. This is terrible!

If a man can’t trust
his own mistress, whom can he trust?!

Welcome to Berlin, General MacKenzie-Smith.

You are now the guest of the Third Reich.

Now, all we wish is a little information.

And we shall see that you are given a

charming house in the country,

servants, wine,
fräuleins. Whatever you may wish.

And you will be
able to sit out the rest of the war

in complete comfort.

All we ask is that you tell us the truth.

- All you want is the truth?
- Precisely.

Well, good.
That’s what I was about to do anyway.

You see… I'm an American soldier.

My name is Private 1st Class Ernie Williams,

serial number… 347236.

And I was supposed to go back to America

because my Mother is very sick.

Only she isn't very sick.

She's in Miami Beach with a bathing suit…

What happened to the house in the country?

My dear General, you have
a reputation for playing games.

We have not.

Unless you answer our
questions honestly and quickly,

we will have no
alterative but to order you shot.

Well, I’m trying to tell you the truth.

And we are waiting to hear it.

- You see this eye patch?
- Oh, General.

- Well, I don’t need it at all!
- General, we are quite aware
of your affection.

And… look at this moustache.
It isn’t even mine. You see I can take it…

What happened…

Must be the glue.
It got stuck in the sea air.

You see I haven't had it off for a few days.

Would you pull it off…

Forget it. It's mine.

But you simply have
to believe how it all got started.

You see, I was doing
imitations for a couple of the fellas.

And… I do imitations, you see.

Well, look, maybe
I can explain it to you better.

We survive them on the beaches.

We survive them in the villages.

We will never surrender.

I got a better one.

Oh, when the saints… go march…

Ahem. Well, maybe this one’ll do it.

I got a real good one here. We have…

Heil Hitler!

Well, I…

Nobody seems to like that one.

General MacKenzie-Smith.

Perhaps you do not understand us.

You have vital information on the timing

and location of the 2nd front.

- I have?
- We have many ways to make you talk.

But because of our respect for you,

I do not wish to see you reduced

to a shattered hulk of a man.

I’m with you sir. I…

Are you trying to make us believe
that you are not General MacKenzie-Smith?

That's right. It was
all a phony and you fellas fell for it.

You see this grey stuff they put in my hair?

It washes out with soap and water.

Look. I'll show you.
I told them it was no good.

I have to touch it up every night.

Even in the rain it comes out.

Here. I'll show you.

See, right here, we go…

Maybe they used a new brand. It…

Oh, it's me.

I've turned white.

See you've done it.

Poisoning Twickenham
and that shot through my hat

and… the submarine.

If you fellas
only knew what I've been through.

Oh, you do know. Don't you?

It is only the beginning my dear, General.

Take him away.

Throw him in a cell.

Use the usual methods.

Not the usual.

One more thing.

Our operatives in England are everywhere.

You understand? Everywhere.

And they are led by a man so highly placed

British Intelligence would never suspect.

It is not only
your life that is in jeopardy.

But that of your wife, Lady Margaret.

Heil Hitler.

You'll never get away…

The news spread through the

German High Command like wildfire.

MacKenzie-Smith had broken down

and agreed to talk

after being tortured continuously

for 3 solid minutes.

Good evening Herr General.

Let us get this filthy business over with.

This is a great moment for the Third Reich.

We have broken MacKenzie-Smith.

This will please the Füehrer immensely.

I presume, gentlemen,
he will go into his dance again.

Be careful, General.

May I remind you once more.

We have many
operatives in England. Many of them.

The one who leads them

is a very good friend of your family.

And of your wife.

It doesn't matter. She will be safe enough.

If you talk.

Now, Herr General.

We have here a most interesting map.

England, the Channel, France.

All military objectives carefully indicated.

You shall be the Professor

and we will be your willing students.

The time, the location and the strength

of the Allied invasion.

Gentlemen, when I finish

you will know as much
about this blasted invasion as I do.

Perhaps even more.

Pay close attention please.

This is England!

I’ve…

Sorry. I was carried away, old chap.

Bit of tear in
the eye and that sort of thing.

I say, it's a bit of a blow to realize

you’re an absolute rotter.

- Please, names, units.
- Righto.

Well, a concentration of
troops in Southern England actually

is a ruse, you see.

We shall do the main attack

in the soft
underbelly of Monte Carlo, right here.

You see. I say. Surprise, eh?

Caught you on a sticky
wicket. What? Yes, of course.

You see actually… right here

is where we're going to a
small attack of naval vessels, you see…

The LCTs, the BBDs, the LSMFTs,

the IRT and
the CIO and the… SMFR are our PIOT.

What artillery?
What infantry? Who are their Commanders?

What are their immediate objectives?

- Oberleutnant, write this down.
- Yes, write it down, there.

I shall tell you in a minute.

You see, Captain,
Brigadier General, Father Ingrad,

(gibberish)
the Argyle Highlanders,

have taken the largest one of the troops

as a haven for…

And of course, there's… Tech here,

which… of course
will terminate at the edge or tip.

And here, regarding the subways,

they will have a remarkable incentive,

and, of course, the troops are all employed

and all the
frontal assault which have nothing…

I suppose they… busy…

higher than the bottom, you see.

What have I done
to England? I simply can't go on.

Control yourself, General.

You are a military man as we are.

We didn't understand a word.

It doesn't matter. Above all the signal.

Which signal do you mean?

Do not pretend, General.

Counter Intelligence has told us

a signal is to be broadcast over the BBC

2 days before D Day, a meaningless phrase.

To the French underground

to announce the date of the invasion.

What is that phrase!!

“I'll be down to get you in a taxi, honey.”

- Did you get that?
- And the hour.

The hour of the attack?

“You'd better be ready about half past 8.”

We'll be ready.

I wish I could be
there when the band starts playing.

But you won't.

If I had a gun, I would shoot myself.

It's the only decent way left.

Einen moment.

Einen moment.

Goodbye.

The German notes on this point
were somewhat fragmentary.

No one seemed to notice
that the last fan dancer was a man.

But bear in mind that
Sigmund Freud came from this country.

Fräulein Lilly.

Start the machine?

Stop! Stop! Let me outta here.

Just in time.

Don't shoot!

Sir, we've captured a German paratrooper

attempting to infiltrate this headquarters.

He's demanded the right to see the

Commanding Officer personally.

Very well. Bring him in.

Bring in the prisoner.

Puffy! Puffy, am I glad to see you.

All right. I'll talk to the prisoner.

Prisoner? Puffy,
don't you know me? I'm Binky.

- Binky?
- I'm not really Binky, I’m Ernie.

Ernie?

Ernie. Yes.
Private 1st Class Ernie Williams.

I fooled you. I fooled the Germans.

I even had our cat fooled.

Call Somerset. He'll tell you.

Wilson.
This seems to be a Top Secret matter.

I'd like to get to the bottom of this alone.

Dismissed.

Oh, Puffy,
if you know what I've been through.

I've been in submarines,
airplanes. I've been in Berlin.

I've even been in Gestapo headquarters.

Know what I did? I stole some of the papers

out of the secret
files naming all the agents in England.

People you would
never suspect. I've got ‘em right here.

General Carleton Brown Wiffingham. Sergeant…

General Carleton Brown…

Puffy! That’s you!

Yes, my dear Private Williams.

If that is who you are!

You'll never get away with this, Puffy.

Hello?

Open up, please, Sentry. Urgent.

I'm sorry, sir.
You can't enter this headquarters.

Colonel Somerset, General Staff.

Here’s my identification.

I'm sorry, sir.

Where's the…
Where’s the Sergeant of the Guard?

- Sergeant?
- Sergeant? Come here.

This is a matter
of life and death, Sergeant.

Open up, please.

Sorry, sir. All entry permits

have been cancelled for the day.

Orders of General Brown Wiffingham.

We've had General Brown Wiffingham

under surveillance for weeks.

Wilson! Hold that man!

Project 402, the Dead Pigeon,

or I will be. Yeah, hello?

This German paratrooper is masquerading

as an Allied
soldier. Under the King's rules

and regulations he is guilty of espionage

and subject to immediate execution.

Execution? Without
convening a Summary Court Martial?

Wilson, the penalty for insubordination

is still the same.
Take that spy out and have him shot.

Shot? Uh…

But Puffy, you and
I played rugger together for Scotland.

The MacKenzie-Smith Highlanders.

- Firing squad is ready, sir.
- Thank you, Sergeant.

Dismissed.

No, not you.

Maybe she's forgotten who I am.

You will tell her, won't you?

I mean you'll tell
her that I wasn't scared at all.

I'll get word to Lady Margaret.

Cigarette?

No. No, thank you.

I’m not supposed to smoke.

But I… I… don't think one could hurt me.

M… match?

That won't be necessary.

Prepare to aim!

Squad ready!

Aim!

Just… just a minute.
I… I think I will have that blind fold.

- Squad rest.
- Rest. Rest!

Not too tight. I get dizzy. See.

Squad ready! Aim!

It is only fitting

that Britain today should do honor

to the gallant heroes

who have made this day possible.

The names of
all the distinguished Commanders

are already familiar to you.

General Eisenhower forthwith…

Good afternoon, Lady Margaret.

- How is he?
- Lovely day for England.

- You’re sure he’s all right?
- What? Oh, thank you, madam.

- What happened?
- Oh, my dear, I'm so sorry.

I couldn't tell you
before. Security reasons, you know.

Anyhow we dashed down to the South Hampton

staging area hoping to get there on time.

By jove, that's a pretty
dress you've got on. If I may say so my…

- Never mind about the dress.
- Believe it or not,

we were held up at the gate.

The firing party had raised their rifles.

I heard the command,

Ready! Aim!

Yes?

Good Lord. I'd love a cup of tea.

- I’d love a cup.
- Oh, yes. Oh, tea.

- Thank you.
- Yes.

And what then?

Some milk and sugar if I may, please.

Oh, I beg your pardon. I see what you mean.

Private Williams. Oh, yes.

He's absolutely fine.

We only got there
in the nick of time, though.

It was a bit of a do.

Where is he? When can I see him?

How many lumps you put in here?

Oh, he can see you
any time. He's at the Base Hospital.

Nothing much the much
matter with him. Just shock and fatigue

and the after effects of smoking.

Wonder if you'd
mind if I turned up your radio.

General Sir Lawrence MacKenzie-Smith,

the architect of the invasion,

the master planner

whom we had believed killed

in performance of his duties,

actually survived

and was taken prisoner by the Nazis.

I rejoice along with all of England

that he was liberated in the first among…

Larry!

We've just heard the news that…

Yes, I know.

Do try to control your joyous hysteria

at my return from the grave, Maggie.

I know how pleased you are to see me.

Oh, Sir Lawrence, you
can't even begin to realize how happy…

Oh, come off it, Somerset.

You were just as pleased to see me

in my watery grave, as the rest of them.

Oh, no, please, please, Sir Lawrence.

Will you get out of here!

I have a few
matters of a very intimate nature

to discuss with my… dearly beloved.

You may listen at the keyhole.

If you'll pardon me,
I'm going over to the enemy.

Heil Hitler!

I see you haven't lost your charming ways

with your subordinates.

I hear you haven't either, my dear.

What's this I hear
about you and that… American Private?

It's all true.

Oh, come now.

A penniless common soldier.

A complete nonentity.

I've had my fill of entities.

Next thing you'll be saying

you're in love with the blighter.

I am in love with the blighter.

Lady Margaret…

Look it’s me! Ernie!

How did you manage? I mean, how…

Well, look, you see.

They wanted to give me a medal, but

all I asked for was a smart technician

from the Signal Corp
with a recorder and a microphone.

That's why you
heard what you did on the radio.

“General Lawrence McKenzie-Smith,”

“the architect of
the invasion, the master planner…”

I just had to make sure.

Did you mean it?

And I had you fooled every minute?

Every minute.

For those of you who are curious
as to what's going on, on that couch…

it's just the usual.