On Tour (2010) - full transcript

The Microphone doesn't work!

The Microphone!

When did you came back?

I didn't.

Stop it.

When did you return?

I didn't go away.

Stop joking.

So we made a deal.

My part is less than yours.

Ulysse!



Yes, sir?

Do we have enough cash?

- I think so.
- Great!

Francois?

What's with him?

We are still touring ports.

I have to put them to bed.

How do I hold them in place?

Try with security belts.

Godspeed, Ulysse.

Thank you. Good evening.
We want to eat something.

The kitchen is closed.
I'll check what's left.

Sir? Good evening.

Could you do me a favor?



That is our job.

Turn off the music.

I'm afraid it's impossible.

Then make it not so loud.

It could be a problem.

Why?

The sound level is fixed.

I can offer you cream with wild berries,

- Yoghurt with fruits.
- Merengue with a strawberry.

Raspberry tart.

Three servings of creme brulee.

Good evening!

We'll take only two, please.

In a moment.

Good evening!

You're mad!

A uniform is our job!

Excuse us.

You think it's funny?

Ulysse! You arrived?

Wait, don't hang up!

Call Guichard.

Be careful.

Asshole.

Sorry, Madam. I was not here.
We'll check everything.

What do I do now?
They lost my uniform.

Let's go. We have a flight.

I can't fly without my uniform!

Taxi is waiting.

Julie, you'll have your coffee
on the train.

Thank you, good bye.

- They're searching for your uniform.
- It's the fault of these whores!

Easy, mademoiselle! I beg you!

We are many.
And we are late for the train.

Let's go!

Yes, a sec.

Yes?

Yes. Excuse me.

We are going through a tunnel.
The connection is lost!

You didn't say 30!
We're always 20%.

Under these conditions, perhaps,

perhaps we'll agree.

A small surprise.

What?!

Fuck you!

What is going on?! Yes, you!

You didn't tell me this!

Never!

I'll be in Paris on Wednesday!

You knew it 2 months ago!
Piece of shit!

How could you do it?!

I won't came again! Never, got it?!

Never! Period!

Period!

It is for 3 days.

We are already there.

You'd rather not go to town.

It is a sad town. Dead town.

Get the things from the car.

We wanted to go to another hotel.
Here is better for them.

I'd rather you ask about them.

Okay? Of course!

I think that's enough questions today.

Sure, you're busy.
May I take some shots?

Of course.

Great!
Girls, you have to say "cheese"!

Look at me.
It's not an easy job.

Welcome on board of Air Burlesque!

Please open your safety belts!

Yes, hello!

No, I have a plenty of time.

Yes.

As we agreed. Tomorrow.

Yes. Okay, great.

Do you have pajamas?

Okay, I have them.

Okay! 'Til tomorrow.

Ulysse, put the flowers in the scene.

It's a great idea,
but it isn't sexy.

You look like an earthworm.

What is an earthworm?

Stop playing a little girl.

You know what "routine" means in french?

"Routine" means that all the time,
you are doing the same thing.

I think you don't have to sing
in the end of each act.

Let's say,
only between acts of Ivy and Julie

and I can't stand your 50s any more.

Let's try German rap for a change.

Why not. At least something different.

Girls!

I have to go tonight.
Serious business.

Great news!

We don't need you...
Froggie.

How much do I owe you?

Here you are, 52.

You lose anything here, Ulysse?

Where did you park the car?

- Not before. Behind.
- Clear.

Are you going?

Break a leg!

Take it off!

- You tell me when she's bare.
- I have to see it.

Going now?

Godspeed.

You are looking great.

Yes, Ulysse.

Will you call me
when the show is over?

I have Number 5.

46 Euros 36, please.

Did you check the pressure before?

Could you switch off the radio?

Of course.

Are you set to blow it all up:
cellphone, cigarette...

Oh yes, sorry.

Where are you going?

For my kids.

I'm joking.

I want to kill somebody.

You're lucky. It does you good.

Yes, I'll tell you.

You have all the tools you need?
I have a saw if you need.

I have a wrench.
I think it's more handy.

You need anything from Paris?

A chocolate?

Excuse me, could you step aside.

Sorry.

- Farewell, thank you.
- Thank you, too.

- I'm free in an hour.
- Sorry?

My shift is over in an hour.

A friend is coming for me.
We'll spend the weekend together.

A pity... You're so funny.

Isn't your friend funny too?

Funny, but not like you.

- What is he doing?
- Who cares?

- Attending a petrol station?
- No.

- A lorry driver.
- Exactly.

I guessed right?

With a second guess.

So, as my prize,
I'll take some sweets.

Don't linger for so long,
I shall start to like you.

- There is a glass barrier.
- Yes, it is.

Now go. Your victim is waiting.

What will you do with your friend?

It is an easy guess.

Good night.

So girls, time to go to bed.

Want me to play
with your little thing?

Joachim said that by 11,
everybody should be in bed.

Why don't you ever listen to me.
It's driving me mad.

Listen to me once.
You have to go to bed.

So tomorrow you won't look tired.

I can't put them to sleep.
They are having fun in the lobby.

Great. It doesn't surprise me.

They don't want to go to bed.

Just don't let them
out of the hotel.

There is a wedding here.
They don't want to go.

Say...

that in suites, champagne is waiting.

Put it on my tab.
Or on yours, there is no difference.

Okay?

Good.

Don't give up!

- Looking for somebody?
- I need Francois.

You have to do it like that.

Look who's coming!

I thought you were here.

I'm here, as always.

Joachim! Let me introduce you.

Look at this fellow.
The great Joachim Zand, my brother!

What we didn't do together!
Those were heroic time.

Stop it or I'll start to cry.

I don't know anybody here.

- Had a good time?
- Yes.

That is what matters.

I...

saw your new program.

I sense nobody has told you yet that
you're lying. So I shall do it.

When you are saying:
"On air, marginals".

"Hand on society's heartbeat".

Lies, aren't they?

Quick, hold on to your pants.

Why the fuck are you here?

I came to do
what you can't anymore.

I came with a show.
Girlies. It is simple.

Frances cheated me and gave the hall
to Chapoui. I need a place.

You have to help me.

I'll give you all the rights
to our old TV shows.

Don't waste your time,
I won't help you.

Well, I'll have to talk
to your lawyer.

You'd rather go.

And more.

I don't give a fuck what you
think about my new program.

Call me, let's have a cup of coffee.

I'm too old for that.

- Francois, how great! Isn't it?
- Yes, looks good.

Now it is my turn
to expose your lies.

You always said:
"In my job I need stars!".

"But Chapourri gives
me hell knows what".

You need not the stars.

You need what newspapers write
"Poor lad didn't get his stars".

You disgust me.

Go to hell!

- No, wait.
- What?

You always got something out of pity.

Always rode on somebody's back.
Now is the time for you to swim.

Do what you want, where you want
and how you want.

And to the girl who makes
a documentary about me,

I'll tell her you refused to talk.

And you hung up the phone!

- You're behaving like an asshole.
- Smart and just!

Just like your lies about competing
for Festival Programs?

Whom did you want to surprise?

Shit on a stick. That's who you are.

Whisky.

I sell server software.

These are programs for business,
understand?

Yes.

Understand,
administering client databases

improves the resolution
of the autonomy of clients.

Awesome.

- With update guarantees.
- Incredible.

In brief, my company sells

software for electronic tables,
clear?

It is a great soft.
With many options.

Eat it, Bernard,
to have some energy.

A cheese sandwich.

Thank you, Sylvain.

Americans don't have it?

Shit! The States...
Still longing for them?

Not this evening.

What are you doing in this hole?

- Life doesn't stick together?
- It doesn't?!

You don't have the right!

What's going on there?

I don't know. A fight.

Girls, stay here.

Everything okay?

I even could not answer.

What are they doing there?

Shit, shit, shit!

What are they doing there?

They have an animal there?

He's my friend.

Let's go to the old man.

Making fun?

No. It is a bad idea.

He wouldn't refuse me.
We are in the same business.

Morning, Lucia!

Hello, how are you?

Remember, you showed him
your first program?

Yes. It was also the last.

He even brought the bankers.

If I'm talking too fast, tell me.

How do I look in the light?

I already have successors.

I have a surprise for you.

- I'm fired?
- No.

Wayward son returned.

You brought that bastard here?

He's changed.
He needs your help.

What were you thinking with?!
Your asshole?

I vouch for him. He'll manage.

He made mistakes
that won't be forgiven.

I'm finished.

What mistakes are you talking about?

I don't have anything
to discuss with you.

That's all, M. Chapoui?

Sirs.

What did I say to you?

I don't recommend you make
any deals with this bastard.

You'll bend before time.

- Who is he, M. Jean?
- Really, who is he?

Who is he? Nothing.

Zero, even less.

Always was and always will be.

Get this bastard out of here!

Asshole!

What a brothel.

Jealousy. He wanted to be me.
But never will.

Ulysse, it's me.

Don't wake them. Let them sleep.
Everything went okay?

Really?

Okay, leave the notes
at the reception desk.

Yes.

No, I don't worry.

Good.

Then okay.

Leave within an hour,
not later. Bye.

Idiot! This is a parking for lorries!

I am carrying cargo.

And what are you carrying?
A barrel of shit?

Asshole!

Hello!

How are you? Okay.

Wow's life?

Where's mom?

We were waiting an hour and a half.
She couldn't.

Yes, I was a bit late.

What happened to your eye?

Nothing. I slipped.

Winning?

Okay, I'll go for cigarettes.

Hello. A pack of lights and
a cup of strong coffee.

What kind? Any.

You won?

Eh.

Kiss daddy.

You'll spoil the game!

Okay, get your things
and let's go.

Thanks.

Want a sandwich for the road?

Yes, yes!

Thanks, I'l feed my sons
with real food.

- Bye, Eric!
- Let's go, the car is there.

Where's this gun come from?

A present. We have cards too.

Take a phone from my pocket.
Press the green button twice.

Hold it to my ear
so I can speak and eat.

Ulysse, it's me again.

They woke up?

That's enough.
Wake them and walk them. Anywhere.

To Jules Verne museum.

Jules Verne.

He's annoying me.

Explain to him what Jules Verne is.

Jules Verne... I'm his son.

Jules Verne was an inventor, who...

You what?!

Jules Verne was a writer.
Born in 1828 in Nantes.

Author of "In 80 days around the world",
"20,000 leagues under the sea".

Bravo! Impressive.

He's asking me if Julie could show
her stewardess act this evening?

Absolutely not, I haven't seen it yet.

Absolutely not, he hasn't seen it yet.

Say, we are eating
and I'll call later.

Let us eat, okay?

Bye.

Everything is okay?

Great! Fantastic!

Stop eating this. We just ate.

How's school?

- Green light, dad.
- I see.

Then go.

What else? I need to go somewhere.

What are you doing? Stop!

Don't worry, we'll get through.

Crazy!

Boys, wait for me here.
You'll like it.

Just remove your shoes.

I'll be back soon.

- It's for kids.
- Of course.

A short while.

- Come in.
- Thank you.

You have a mustache?

- I didn't hear, what did you say.
- Hello, I'm still here.

What happened?

They cut off my breast.

I couldn't notice.

Yes, you couldn't notice...

Your lovers felt the difference?

"What huge tits".

Remember?

I still got an ass left.

But not for me.

Well, tell me.

You okay?

- Finished with America?
- No.

- Doing well?
- So so.

Still seducing girls from TV,
like me?

- Stop it please.
- I haven't yet started.

You had talent, you seduced me,

and then left. Hello?

No, I can't on Monday.

Tuesday?

Okay, at 3. Thanks, bye.

Madeleine, I have a new project.

I need a place. This week.

- Sure.
- Well, I...

Help me. I tried everything.
I have to find a room.

- You want me to call around?
- Yes.

- Whom?
- I don't know, think.

Benjamin?

No.

- Chapoui?
- Already was there.

Francois?

By the way, I'm also
going to sue you.

I heard.

- Dad!
- Balthasar, stay there.

Balthasar?

- Don't believe my ears.
- Their mother decided.

- I remember that bitch.
- Stop immediately.

You didn't want children?

Let's go?

I need a drink.

- We are bored.
- Okay, let's go back.

Wait, I need a drink.
Wait here. No, no in the lobby!

That's okay.

Children?

What?

Take off the cover.

Girls, do you hear me?

I thought that it's all over.

Flowers for everybody, please!

Wait here. Just 5 minutes.

Everything's okay,
I'll get you.

Calm down.
I'll arrange everything.

You arrived well?

We went to some shitty hospital,
we were bored,

and dad got hit in the face.

I was impressed by your act.

Very original.

Kids. Time for bed.

It's madness, I'm enchanted.

You're asking for it.

May I help you?

Want to put down the kids?

Okay, to your beds, quickly!

Good night, kids.

What will you tell us today?

I'll tell you a story
about a Russian prince.

He had 3 daughters.
The oldest one played ping-pong.

The middle one played tennis.
But the youngest - badminton.

And this one who played badminton...

Okay, dad, there is no need.

You have to work, good night.

Okay, bye kids.

You'll switch off the light?

I'll find him.

- Joachim, the phone.
- Me? Who?

- Don't know. Go.
- Where's the phone?

Yes, that's me.

Good!

Coming.

I'll be back soon. Have a look.

We found him in the street
close to the station.

Is it forbidden to walk?

You wanted to take a train?

No, I was lost.

You have his birth certificate?

Uh, do you have...

your ID card?

Mother didn't give it to me.

A pity.

Name?

No, the kids.

Date of birth?

April 18, 199...

- 96.
- Correct.

- Place?
- Paris, district 15.

- Address?
- 21, rue Etienne-Marcel, 75001, Paris.

At Mme Plazinsky's.

I assure you. It's my son.

We can't let the boy go just like that.

You don't have his papers.

You are divorced.

We have to check it.
Wait outside.

Leave me your passport.

You too.

Here we are - hero of the day.

- You okay?
- Where is the bartender?

Good evening.
Could you switch off the TV?

There could be a problem.

And turn off the sound?

I can't do it, sir.

Why?

It is just built so.
It works all the day long.

Is everything okay?

Yes.

You saw your room?

Yes.

And how is it?

No problems.

You are beautiful, even now.

You look like a figure skater,
standing with flowers waiting for marks.

With tears hidden
and the smile frozen.

Watching the tableau
to show the figures.

Off you go.

Bastard.

- Is that so?
- So.

You're a bad dancer.

And those feathers?
Old, lousy and dumb.

Nobody is looking at you.
Don't you understand?

I watched the audience.
They are applauding out of politeness.

But it's not important.

You aren't going
to shake them your whole life.

Like Brigitte,
hide yourself in the depth of a cafe.

Hide in the woods,
so nobody can see you.

- Brigitte...
- Why do you sing all the time?

- I don't understand.
- You don't understand?

If you had talent
I could love you.

- Are you praying?
- No.

You were praying.

- Everything okay?
- Yes.

- Got some sleep?
- Yes.

Mom called.

She's longing for you, so...

Stop lying,
you don't know how to!

They want you to go back
with the next train.

Don't do what they don't ask you to.

Mom will come for us herself.

I'm not sure, so gather your things.

Stop.

Two against one!

- You ate my apple?
- Yes.

What's the matter?

Nothing. Just looking at you.

Come here.

Choose the postcard.
We'll send it to mom.

What should I write?

Sir, do you have a pencil?

Sure. Great.

I'll take some sweets

and matches.

- Is that all?
- Yes.

This is the hotel bill.

"Dear mom, I'm sleeping well,
the weather is fine, we're happy."

No, write about yourself.
What did you see in the morning.

I just woke up.

Dad'd got a black eye

and unshaven.

And dirty.

Don't forget the train tickets.

May I have a look?

Great. Will you give it to me?

No, I'll put it in the bag.

With the barcode in front...

Like that?

What is "non-exchangeable"?

Your terminal is not working.
I can not change the tickets.

The kids have to leave this evening.

But they have to go now and
take the next train to Paris.

Yes, in 10 minutes.

- Your bag?
- Shut up, slave!

What?

Shut up, slave.

Get lost!

- Sir, your tickets.
- Thank you.

Have a nice day.

I forgot to send the postcard!

- Where is it?
- In the pocket.

- Which one?
- In front.

I'll mail it, okay?

Almost forgot.

Kiss your daddy.

Behave yourselves!

I saw you yesterday.

The show. I was there.

It was great. I loved it.

Thank you very much!

It was fun. You made me happy.

I came with my husband.

Fantastic!

Thank you!

Excuse me.

62.80. Thank you.

Hello!

- I saw them yesterday.
- Really?

I liked it so much.

Remembered all night. Thank you!

You have to thank her.

- May I show you something?
- Excuse me, what?

I have an act.

Have a look, you won't be sorry.

No, no! Wait, not here!
People are watching.

Don't worry, never mind.
Have a look, I beg you!

Understand, they are professionals.

Come with me. Please!

We have a train to Bordeaux.

Let's go back in the storehouse!

I have no time.

Just give us a receipt.

Bastard!

I'm sorry.

Bag of shit!

Get lost!

You needed yogurt? Get fucked!

Just stop it!

Asshole!

Go to your gringo whores!

- Scumbag!
- It's okay.

Impotent!

Prick!

Thank you!

Let's call the others?

Call the others? Why? No need.

Ulysse already took the road.

We are lost.

No! We need La Rochelle.

You can have a look at France,
you wanted it.

Thank you.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

- Good bye.
- Bye.

May I buy cigarettes?

No, but I can offer you a "Gaulloise".

I'll take one.

Thanks.

- Good bye.
- Bye.

I'm running, fussing,
trying to overshout you.

I'm feeling, that life is going on,

no amends, no bad conscience,

no memories.

Mimi, you okay?

- You know what?
- What?

It is all from those
martian balls you are eating.

Don't make me laugh.

I feel bad!

I gave her everything,

She was so lovely.

She outshone the sun.

I don't need anything,

I'm alive once again.

Could you stop playing?

Thank you.

You never take them off?
The false lashes,

Mascara...

I bet you sleep like that?

Who taught you to drive like that?

Quisa called.
They are almost in Bordeaux.

It is hard to breathe.

Breathe deeper.

Hello, sir.

Bordeaux is on that side.

Understood?

No, we got lost again.

Oh shit, we forgot the smukes!

What?

What we forgot... smukes?

- Smukes.
- Smokes.

This is the end of the world.

Two tickets, please.

26.40, please!

Here you are. Thank you.

You hid it from me.

I slept.

Can't show my face there.
I owe everyone.

To creditors, gangsters...

It's a pity, but it's how it is.

It had to be different.

I met you far from home.

Figured I'd be safe. Vanish.

Wanted to return like a prince.

Didn't come out.

Our frog prince.

Seriously.

My feet are frozen.

That would be difficult, sir.