Olly Alexander: Growing Up Gay (2017) - full transcript

Hello and welcome to the doc exchange

a real stories podcast

in partnership with the Grierson Trust.

Every week I'll ask a new filmmaker
or filmmaking team

about three documentaries
connected by a single theme

that have made a meaningful impression

on their work and life.

[Music]

I'm Olly Alexander.

I'm lead singer of the band "Years and years"

and an out gay man.



[Music]

I've also recently come out about
my struggles with my mental health.

I have anxiety and depression and
I'm not alone.

There's a perception that in 2017

for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people

it's all good.

We have equal marriage,
we're protected in rights

but

the stats tell us that 40% of lgbt people

are likely to suffer with mental health issues
like anxiety and depression

compared to 25% of the general population.

That's outrageous!

And I feel like it's something
we are just ignoring.

It's something that



I come across all the time from fans
of "Years and years"

in letters or when I talk to them at the shows.

It's something I know about
my own personal experience

but also my friends who are in the community.

I personally have yet to meet an lgbt person

that hasn't

been unscathed by

growing up lgbt.

I mean, I haven't.

[Music]

I want to understand why and what impact

growing up gay has had on me.

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]
- Three, four...

♪♪♪ What I say about dreams ♪♪♪

♪♪♪ that my father's believe ♪♪♪

♪♪♪ Aberrations can steal your child away ♪♪♪

I'm making this film while writing and
rehearsing the difficult second album

No one can say i don't like a challenge.

♪♪♪ And you're reaching for your brother's arms ♪♪♪

♪♪♪ Your two-toned flash of the alarm ♪♪♪

♪♪♪ And I choke, it's too close...♪♪♪

♪♪♪ And I'm standing on that higher stair ♪♪♪

♪♪♪ I think I'll run away from here ♪♪♪

♪♪♪ So, I'll go ♪♪♪

[Music]

I've lived with anxiety and depression
since my teenage years.

I guess I'm lucky because I recognized
the problem and got help,

but I do still have regular lapses.

As a band we're pretty good at
talking about our feelings.

Hmm, we've gotten better at it as well

and it's...it's kind of a crazy environment
to be in.

I take my medication, I see a therapist
once a week

and yeah I have highs and lows. Hmmm...

and I get freaked out a lot but
it's not as much as I used to

and I'm much better at managing stuff, you know.

It helps that my band mates Mikey and Emery
are hugely supportive

when I do have an anxiety attack

or when I can't get out of bed.

- When you go on stage, you're on stage

and there's nothing you can do
to get out of that situation.

- It's more acute for him because he's...
- He's right in the center front

- Yeah, and singing I think is
a very personal thing to do

- We can hide a bit behind, yeah, our scenes...

- But, yeah, there's been a few times when

I had to prop him up

when he didn't want to go on stage

or didn't want to go back on
for the encore.

He just wasn't feeling very confident.

- When we're on tour I just have
to get into this quite like

like a robot athlete, like I'm just...

you know, like focused.
I go to bed early,

I like, I have to be good to myself like

and and I have to perform on stage

and almost like not think too much about
everything that's going on

because I've had times when I've hmm...

you know, come like just...
come off stage like

and had like a panic attack and
I'm like sobbing

and I have to go back on stage
and it's like,

you know, just like you like... take the microphone...
you like... your face... smiling

and you say this is a nightmare...hmm...hmm..

Then that's like not a good place to be in

I've probably been aware of
my depression and anxiety

for about 12 years,

but I often wonder where it came from
and what caused it.

I've always kept diaries so they feel
like a good place to begin.

What I started to notice when
I was reading back these diaries

is how really early on

I started to feel really distressed

and i don't tell anyone about it, I don't think.

So, I'm 14, turning 15

I think my parents have just split up

and I'm starting to really have like
long periods of feeling low

and feeling people don't understand me

and like feeling kind of just
unhappy and confused by it.

2nd of october 2005

The other night was the worst
it's ever been

and I need to remember this.

I remember dancing.

That was awesome feeling consumed by
such incredible energy but

I was so hot so i took my shirt off,
just my small black t-shirt left.

Dancing and then Matt came up to me

and saw my plaster on my arm

and then came the words I've been
waiting for ever since I began

" You haven't been cutting yourself,
have you?

Oh boy..."

I just wanted to do it because I...
I felt like it was...

I had all these feelings... I couldn't...

...deal with so, you know,

harming myself was like...

seemed the most obvious way to deal with it.

It it felt like

simple and...

you know it felt good to do it

and then it felt awful
and then it was just this cycle.

And then a year later I kind of
stopped of doing that

and I developed an eating disorder,

basically throwing up food and

just costantly,

constantly thinking about what I'm eating

like

I was just writing pages of "I will not eat bread,

I will not eat cakes
I will not eat chocolate

I will not eat bread, I will not eat cakes
I will not eat chocolate

It's a really hard thing to talk about

Hmm... that's why I'm trying to talk about it.

Hmm... we want to tell people that
we're proud and we're happy and that...

Look, being gay didn't make me sad,

it didn't make me... hasn't made things
harder for me

it's made things better,
it's made things great

Look how...you know?

And it can be hard too, then go.

Actually I think maybe

growing up gay and in a straight world

hummm...

has really affected me and has made me feel

all these things and I think
that can be a really hard thing

for people to actually say.

You know I'm not saying that being gay

means you're going to be sad or
you're going to be depressed,

I'm not saying that,

but

there's a link and I think

I want to understand it better.

Reading back my diaries, it's shocking to see

how low I was at that time.

I'm in a better place now,
but I'm pretty sure that for me

a big part of my struggles with mental health

are down to those years
of coming to terms with my sexuality.

During that time I was living
at home with my mum.

Going home can be a difficult experience.

I feel like I was a different person

when I was a teenager growing up.

On the way here, like "why don't I feel sick?"

and it feels a bit like facing up to
some painful memories.

You know, I left school and
then moved to London

and I have a different life now

and it's like... now I'm realizing that part of me

has sort of tried to like squash down
a lot of that

and be like well I'm this different person now,
you know.

[Music]

Sleepy Colford is a far cry from
my hectic life in London

[Music]

It's where my lovely mom Vicky still lives

- Hello

How are you doing?
- Good. How are you?

- You look lovely
- Well, you look even lovelier

- This is my old room.

I moved here with
my mum and brother

a few years after my parents split up
and my dad moved away.

This is it!

This is my room from about 16.

I feel a bit like... it's like living in
a cupboard under the stairs.

I think 16 year old me was very...

very emotional

and I felt a bit like lonely
because I didn't really tell,

I wasn't really telling anybody about it.

I also felt really

like I was maybe a freak,
like I was really different

because people were just telling me
that I was different all the time, really.

Part of me really liked being weird,
liked being different

and I thought that was,
that was who I was,

but then another part of me thought it was

just wished... I wished I was like everyone else,
I wished I was normal.

Normal... Oh my god I can't even say that...
No...

I don't wish I was normal... yeah!

I hate that word!

I don't think my mum really knew

what was going on for me about then.

So I've decided it's time
we talked about it. Failed...

- I've got something to show you
- What is it?

I haven't seen mum for a few months,

she's been going through all
our old home videos.

Terrifying!

Is that me?
- Yes

The next step like...

[Music]

Well, this is the last Christmas
of this 20th year century

and I'm so excited

- Oh my god, I feel sick...

I was bullied from when I was 9
until I was about 15,

but I didn't really tell anyone.

I don't know if you knew but

when in primary school
I started getting bullied

Well, I looked like a girl, you're like a girl...
- Really?

- Yeah, that cause I had long hair

and then that became that I was gay.
- Oh...

- And then in secondary school, yeah,

I started to like

think that I was gay and then

that became.

I just wished I was just like
" I don't want to be gay" like I ...

I already felt like

people picked on me and then

I was like "this is going to be even worse" and then

I think, I don't know, it seems like
I was just like...

putting jazz hands over everything!

- I think about when you asked me

if I did know that you were gay
- Yeah

- I said you know I had a feeling
that you might be

but maybe I didn't want to... hmm...

affirm that because of fear

of what your life might become like

from all the homophobia that
still exists out there.

So... the bullying?

- When I was like 14, 15 it kind of stopped

- And then you started becoming anorexic,
bulimic?

- Bulimic really,

in a having restricting food

as well

and I would self-harm

- I remember thinking why
is this happening?

I don't think we really had

a full conversation about, sweetie.

Yeah...

You're okay?

I guess, I think I might have been in denial
maybe or...

- I felt so bad because I couldn't explain to you
what was going on

then I felt ashamed to myself for
like being...

the way I was and

I couldn't tell you and

like...

- Could anything have been different if

if you'd been able to talk to me?

- I can't help but feel guilty as a parent...

What could I have?... Oh...

- You couldn't have done nothing, believe me.

I couldn't talk about it.
- Why?

- I wasn't...come to terms within myself,
at all with anything

You're a great mom,
you're great mom.

[Music]

- I feel like I'm starting to sort of
blame myself a little bit less.

I can see why maybe I did struggle
the way I did because

I could feel like I couldn't talk to anyone

and I was ashamed of myself

and part of that was because
I was ashamed of being gay

and no wonder really that then caused me to

get so low and,

you know, feel the way I did about things

The shame I felt from such a young age

must have had a major impact
on my mental health.

School was a horrible time for me

and bulimia and self-harm were
my ways of coping.

I felt I couldn't talk to anybody,

not even my best friend Georgina

- Hi George

Sometimes I think

the closer someone is to,
the harder it is to share

With Georgina we were so close,
we spent every day together.

You know, there did come a time when
we were aware that

the other was going through some stuff,

but we just... we didn't know how to have
a conversation about it.

- Do you remember when we first
laid eyes on each other?

- Yeah!

I just remember you having curtains
and a choke

and following, literally following me around
like this!

Like you're like stalking me everywhere

- Oh my god yeah!
- Yeah!

I was obsessed with you from the first moment.

George was someone who
helped me to survive

my traumatic school years

- Oh my god it's like it's not even here
anymore.

This is so weird. It's...it's all gone.
- Yeah.

- I find it quite hard to actually remember stuff
- Yeah

- Getting bullied but it wasn't
really ever like that bad physically,

but it just was being made to make me feel like

that I was different, like I didn't fit in and stuff.

- Yeah, there was a general kind of

vocabulary around you been used.

That wasn't, that wasn't positive I guess.

- Yeah! Did you think I was gay?
Always think I was gay?

- Yeah, but then you started seeing girls and...

I don't know. I guess, yeah,
I was confused, looking...

- Yeah
- Like from a friend point of view

Yeah, always knowing but then never,

maybe never having the courage
to bring it up with you or something

even though we were really close, but I...

- But then... how would you have...

- Yeah...
- You like babe...

- Yeah

- Do you know you're gay?
- I think you're gay

I think at school I learned that
people around me

were my enemies.

You know like other kids

were going to be mean to me

I was always on guard,
on the defensive all the time.

It just creates this like...

Even talking about now I'm like...

I'm getting anxiety about it and it's yeah...

I never liked spending time with
kids my own age

because I thought they'd,
they'd be mean to me

and that

yeah, I guess I learned that at school,
that I didn't fit in with them

so I should...I would have to go
and find somewhere else to fit in.

Looking back, I think that rejection had

a huge impact on my mental health.

George wants to take me back to
one of her old haunts.

We danced together a lot in our teens and

we can't help but repeat old habits

whenever we get together

and I do not need any excuse to dance.

I got a mirror in front of me and
I'm just like

"Sorry, I'm too busy looking at
myself now"

And turn

we can make our own dance routines?
- Yeah

- Cool, cool

- Shift - Loop
- Loop

- Scoot
- Scoot

[Music]

It feels just like old times,

but a lot has happened to both of us

Whilst we've both grown up queer,

George has only recently had
the courage to come out

and she's had her own issues
to deal with.

I started having kind of breakdowns

- Yeah
- Like at the end of primary school.

I would just crying and I didn't know why

and...then I kind of continued throughout...

hmm...secondary school as well.

They were like moments of...hmm...
just real distress.

Hmm, I started developing symptoms of
an eating disorder

when I was 11 or 12.

I knew you had a difficult
relationship with eating

and then, I think, I then told you

that I thought I was bulimic.

I remember that conversation

because of me kind of being confused about

these feelings that I was having and

trying to suppress them because I wasn't...

I didn't know what to do with them or
where to place them

in terms of trying to dull it down
and not act on it

or not ignoring how to act on it anyway.

- It was really good to hear that stuff

and part of me is like

"Why didn't we tell each other
at the time", but...

Well I wish...the first time
I was questioning my sexuality,

it had felt safe to to say

"Oh, I don't know what my sexuality is,
maybe I'm gay"

I wish that had been

something I could have done you know

because it wasn't and so...

that's your first introduction to
your sexuality is

that it's wrong and
that you have to hide it.

You cannot underestimate

shame.

The moment it kind of creeps into
your life from a really young age,

felt by lgbt people.

The moment that you realize
you're different to everybody else

that just plants the seed of toxic pain and

it just grows and grows and grows

and then it just gets larger and
larger as you grow older

and I think that

has a huge impact.

I left school 10 years ago now and

I doubt the effects will ever leave me.

I'd hoped things had changed,

but a brand new study by Stonewall

shows that half of all lgbt teens
are bullied at school.

Today I'm meeting a young guy
called Connor,

just turned 15

hmm...He's gay and

he was bullied out of his school.

- Hello
- Hello

- Come in
- Thanks

- Hi Connor
- Hi Ollie

- How are you doing?
- Good, thanks

- How is at school?

- Usual... just boring... fair enough!

- Well, school's definitely not changed
that much then.

- When did you come out at school ?
- 13

- Right. I feel like it's a really brave thing

to come out as young,
young as you did

Hmm...

How bad did the bullying get?

- At one point a group of girls
had spread a rumor

that I said I'd done stuff
with an older boy

and the boy found me the next day,

grabbed me by the throat
at the top of a set of stairs

and pushed me down them.

- Wow
- Mum phoned the school,

had a go at them

and I think the next day or something

she had a meeting with a head mistress

and told her I'm leaving...

Hmm... she's taking me out of school
and she ain't bringing me back.

You feel like you're alone,
you have no one to go to.

You feel insecure about yourself

You feel like there is completely nothing
you can do to change, yeah.

And people do targeting you
for no apparent reason

apart from you being you.

It's just heartbreaking!

At one point I was self-harming
quite badly

and I do still have scars from it.

I was quite suicidal.

I admit I did try to attempt it

because I didn't think
I deserved to be here anymore

if I felt like I was to disgrace and
I couldn't turn to anyone.

- Did you talk to your mum?
- No, I didn't talk to anyone.

I pushed everyone that
I was close to away from me.

I think it's really... hmmm...
it's so hard to talk about,

you know, thoughts of suicide
- Yeah

- Because I think it really scares people,
it's a scary thing

- Yeah
- And it really scares people

and obviously

it's... it's so good to talk about it
- Yes, yeah! It is, yeah.

Is it! It relieves people from stress

and thinking they're like alone and
feeling that way

and you can help other people
get out of that state

- Yeah
- You know what it's like being in there yourself

[Music]

- Connor isn't alone.

Stonewall study shows that

two in three lgbt teens will have
self-harmed

and one in four, including 45% of trans people,

will have attempts to
take their own life.

It's so awful to think that
these young people

can't imagine their bright future

whilst in the midst of being bullied.

I want to find out how Connor's mom Helen

coped with her son being in crisis.

- He was very depressed, very suicidal

hmm...self-harming...hmm...

- How did you know that,
that was going on?

- He didn't tell me.
He's just got very withdrawn and

I didn't trust him being on his own.

I knew something won't right

Hmm...

and I used to make him
get in bed with me

just so i knew where he was
and that he was safe

so i could get to sleep and

You feel that you failed as parent,

you really really do.

- I just want to say...
No, no, don't apologize it's...

Hmm...

I want to just tell you that

I have had conversation with my mom

really similar to this and
she said like

really similar things because she felt like

she didn't know what was going on
with me when I was at...hmm...school

and it was really hard for her

I think as well.
- Yeah, let me hug

I'm sorry, sorry
- Sorry

Sorry
- Cut that...don't...

- I'm sorry
- Please, don't apologize...

- No, you do.
You feel like you've failed as parent

because your job as a parent is
to protect your child

and you can't protect them from everything

because you're not there 24 7.

- Of course you can't, of course you can't.
- How people can not speak to their children

just because

they have come out as transgender, bisexual,

lesbian, gay... so bloody what...

They're your child... yes... you... oh sorry
- Sorry

When she was talking about Connor
having thoughts of suicide

I can't imagine, you know,

someone, you know, saying that to my mum

even though you know like...

that I did have some really dark
thoughts at that time

and you don't know

don't know how to deal with it.

With his mom's support Connor
is doing so much better.

She's found him a local lgbt youth group
called Blah

where he gets to hang out with
young people like him.

- Hi guys
- Hi

- This is Ollie
- Hello

- I think just goes to show like Connor
was going through all this stuff

and then it took him talking to his mum
and leaving a school

but then finding a youth group for him,

to then start feeling more
on top of things

Having youth groups and having places where

young queer people can meet each other
and share stories

and like find support with each other

it's just so good, it's been so good for Connor.

If I had the lgbt youth group,
that would have been amazing!

[Music]

For many of us our introduction
to other lgbt people

is through going out on the gay scene

which is exactly what I did when I was 19.

I moved to East London and

I started going out a lot

and it was kind of this awakening
in some ways

because I was meeting all these people
that I was so in awe of.

They just seemed so self-possessed
and colorful and vibrant

and they were always at these clubs
every weekend

and I would go every weekend and
I'd get to know everybody

and I started going out I think too much

like Thursday to Sunday,
to Monday every week

And now when I think back about it

I think for it to be really focused around

partying, drugs and sex.

It can really...I dont'know...

is slip into a really damaging cycle

and it can, I think really...

if you're already a vulnerable person

it can really just trap you and
it's hard to find a way out.

[Music]

I am meeting a guy called Sean.

Hmm...He is 25,
he's from London.

and...and...

He is going through struggles
with drug use

Sean is fresh out of an intensive drugs program

and I'm nervous to meet him

as this issue feels close to home for me

and many of my gay male friends

- Hello, you're finally get to me!

- Nice to meet you

I'm keen to break the ice with Sean and

dancing is always a good way to do it.

Yeah... Oh no...

Oh wait which leg is that? Right
- Yeah

All right.
- You already did it!

- You did it! That...that...

[Music]

I want to ask Sean what he thinks
may have led to his addiction

- When did you come out?

- I came out officially when I was 17.

- Okay
- Hmm... I got forced out really.

My mum asked me one day

"Are you gay ?"

and it took me a good 30 minutes
before answering

because

it was kind of a big decision for me

so I told her the truth

and it had a backlash
- Fuck!

She told me to go to my dad's.

- So she basically chucked you out?

- Yeah, it was very hard

I took it very... like rejection

hmm... from my own mother.

It wasn't eventually until my mum said

"I'm not upset that you're gay,

I still love you, you're my son.

hmm... I'm more scared that
if there is a hell,

and the bible says you're going to hell,

you will be there and

if I do go to heaven I will be there,

how would I live in peace in heaven?

It was hard to be by myself

I had to learn everything about myself...hmm...yeah

- It feels like... yeah... like loneliness
and like isolation

It's something that like a lot of
queer people experience

- Exactly... school was...

horrible

you tell someone "a faggot"

that straight away

is like using the N-word,
if i'm allowed to say that.

It's... it's rude.

That created a lot of friction and...

a lot of fights broke out,
a lot of arguments.

That's the blessing in the isolation,
I guess.

I, I can only say from my experience,

it pushed me into dark places.

The whole culture of cruising,

it felt so... because it was secretive

and I was secretive.

It went hand in hand,

no one asked my name

and then they didn't have to.

I got what I wanted,
they got what they wanted

in a simple way.

- What do you think you were looking for...

like when you went...
when you went cruising?

- Acceptance.

Someone to love me... hmm...

I didn't get much anywhere else.

Then, as soon as I hit 18,

I started sex clubs and saunas
and dark rooms...

- Did you feel like i went too far
like...on occasions?

- Yeah. I slipped into typical gay drugs.

I began with MDMA

and then...hmm... meeting one person,

they helped me into...

what the gay community
calls "slamming".

Slamming is when you inject yourself

and I was injecting crystal meth.

I would be around people who

would give it to me

and I would give them my body.

Unfortunately,

the hard lesson had to come from it...

and unfortunately I was...

drugged and raped...hmm

and through that i got given hepatitis C.

Now I'm still on treatment now for it.

I fully can't remember the rape.

I just remember waking up and

calling back home.

I'll be honest, after the rape,
I didn't stop.

I craved more, I craved...

I felt dirty so...

so I had to be in the dare, heavier...

In my head that darkness was my friend.

[music]

- When rejection comes at you
from all these different sides

you'll... all you want and
you're seeking

is connection and intimacy.

If you even get a shred of acceptance from...

from anybody, from anything like...

like maybe Sean got when
he first went cruising or

he got when he first went to a party,
you know like...

that is all
you have to cling to

so, of course, that's just gonna
reinforce itself.

I know that...

When I was first sort of going out

in the gay scene in East London,

it was just a given that
you would do drugs.

You know, it went hand in hand with like

partying, celebrating and dancing and
that kind of...

you know, the positive side of
gay nightlife but then

it's so easily tipped in...

tips into really damaging behavior.

[Music]

The feeling of rejection got worse for Sean

when he felt he couldn't be
accepted by either parent

and was left homeless,
sleeping rough in Soho.

[music]

- I was on the streets for a good two weeks.

- How did you survive?

- Hmm...do all the bad, rough things that

you shouldn't really be doing.

It was just a bad moment.

Hmm...It was the wrong way to go about things,

it was the wrong way to

find who I was... hmm..

- I feel like you didn't have a choice, like?

Just when you're saying like...

"Oh it was the wrong way to do things",

I just...I don't know..

- It was the lowest point of my life
that I ever got to

and I hope I never get back there again.

- Yeah
- Really, yeah

- It's hard to hear you talk about it
- Yeah

[music]

Sean isn't a one-off.

Young lgbt people are much more likely
to become homeless,

making up almost a quarter of
young homeless people.

For most of them like Sean,

their sexual or gender identity

was a factor in their rejection from home.

Hearing Sean's story has
really affected me.

I think Sean is

just very close to home and,

you know, not just my experience but

so many people who are close to me

and people that,

you know, aren't here anymore because

or for whatever reason and I just like...

I just think it's... oh my god...

I'm not gonna cry and what like...

Selfie gets in my kitchen...

Addiction is a form of self-harm,

bulimia is another and
it disproportionately affects gay men.

These are usually coping mechanisms and

there's often a secrecy around them.

With my bulimia no one really knew,

you just can't tell.

Today I'm in Brighton to meet
a gay guy called Tom

who is still very much in crisis.

I'm really looking forward to meeting him,

but also quite nervous

hmm...I suppose because I've never
actually spoken

that much about my bulimia

and every time I did speak about it

I talked about it
as it was a longtime ago

and I'm quite...apprehensive of...hmm

discussing it with somebody who's,

who's going through it.

Tom is a 21 year old English student
at University

He's had to defer his final year
because of his poor mental health.

- When I was about 15

I started turning to food

to sort to cope with various things and

that's when I started to... start binging

and then purging and making myself sick

and, sort of on and off, I did that
over the last five years.

Hmm...sometimes like really intensely,
sometimes not so much

Hmm... yeah as either a coping mechanism,
a way of controlling my body

and then in the last few years,

it's probably gotten to its most
intense point

hmm...while I was at university.

At his worst last year,

Tom was binging and purging
up to six times a day

putting his body under huge
amounts of pressure.

- I think it's probably got a lot to do

with coming into my own, in terms
of my sexuality

starting to like,

try and dip my toe into like dating guys
and actually...sex

and I think that's when

the pressures of looking a certain way,
acting a certain way

have really sort of got to me

and then alongside

just finding university difficult.

- Is there a specific

thing that makes you feel like

that you think "okay now I...

this is making me feel really bad"?

- Yeah, I've got myself into a pattern now

where I weigh myself constantly
throughout the day

hmm... and so that's become
a very big sort of fixture,

trying to keep that at a certain level

so that I'm always comfortable with
where that is

Hmm...

and so if if that for any reason has like

gone up or down a bit then

that will often sort of trigger
certain behaviors

- How do you feel about stopping?

-The idea of stopping...

Yeah it's an impossibility

I have no idea how I would go
about stopping

I can't really picture a life where
I don't do it

because I don't know what I'd do instead.

It's such a difficult

I mean, I found it so difficult
to even want to stop

and I can see that's something that
he's grappling with now,

something about sharing, sharing that.

It feels really good, it feels good actually

Speaking to people who
you share and experience with

can be so powerful.

Tom and I have arranged to attend
an eating disorder group together.

I'm still dealing with
my issues around eating

and feel nervous about opening up.

Yeah we're going to the UK's
only, men only eating disorder group

and sitting on their session

hmm...so that's going to be really interesting.

[Music]

- Hi
- Hi guys

The session is being run by dr Will Devlin

from "Men get eating disorders too".

- Well, welcome, lovely to have you here.

- Tom and I are joining members,
Lawrence and Michael.

- I was diagnosed with bulimia last year,

but...hmm...I started...

hmm... sort of showing the symptoms
I was 15, 16.

Hmm...I'm 21 now and
I'm still struggling with it quite a lot.

It seems I'm still in the throes of it.

- I don't feel like. Bulimia isn't really
a part of my life anymore

but I still have this

difficult relationship with food.

I feel like... it's like your brain gets rewired
at some point along the way

It sees food or it thinks about food
in a certain way

and then once it's wired like that

it's so hard to just...
getting do it, you kwow.

- You haven't seem to say

that you have it all made
at 13, 14, 15 as well.

Is there like a reason for the fact

that does relate to...hmm..

how we connect with people
at that formative age

and if we don't,

then what do you use?

Do you go into drugs or
do you go into alcohol abuse or

do you go into eating disorders?

- I just so wanting people to
take notice in a way.

If I just said "I'm sad"
people be like "okay sure",

but if I'm like "No, I'm actually
sad and ill",

then they might take a bit more seriously.

- I ended up going to hospital and,

you know, I had a bit of irregular heartbeat

and the doctor was like

"Are you throwing up?"

You know, I kind of...was...

I kind of admitted that
I was always doing it

and she was like...

Well, I think this is because of that

I felt so ashamed that, you know...

this was what's happened

and I'd drawn so much attention
to myself and,

you know, I felt like it was really serious

hmm...but I still carried on really.

It took me another like four or five years

to sort of stop.

- Tom, I wonder what it's like
to hear the other guys

because, in some ways,

you're at quite a different place
in the journey.

- Knowing that there are people
who...are better

it's a nice reassurance,

but it's still such an unreal concept.

It's certainly not making me think

"Ah, I'm still in the middle of it.
How shit for me!"

It's just

such a fun concept

I'm still not sure
how I'm processing it.

- Just to hear from other people is

so much more important than

anyone ever gives it credit for and

there's something so important about
knowing that

you're not the only one...- Yeah
-...battling something

- I can't tell you how brave
I think Tom is

I can't imagine what it must be like

to still be in the middle of that

and be talking about it.

I think it's an incredible thing
that he's doing.

[music]

Tom's just done something I never did

open up about his eating disorder

while still going through it.

Hopefully it will help him recover and

overcome the stigma.

I've decided to take this idea
of talking about things

to a whole new level.

So I'm in London, in East London and

tonight we are putting on

a mental health themed night
at the "Glory".

hmm... which is a local gay bar

and we're gonna have performances

and yeah, I think it's gonna be
really, really fun.

I'm really excited.

I'm putting on the night with
East End's drag royalty Johnny Woo

- Hi Johnny
- Hello, how are you?

- Oh my god, this is amazing

- I know, this is my honesty box
- Look at that

- Do you like it?
- Beautiful, did you do yourself?

- Yeah, I'm just gonna set up here now.

I made this honesty box to allow people

to post their true fears and anxieties.

It's clear none of us are talking enough
about mental health

and I want this event
to encourage people to share.

Some will do this through performances

and I hope for others my box
will be a start.

I think as queer people,
with once we come out

and, I think it's there's this pressure to sort of...

hmm...behave that everything's fine

and you... you're happy and proud and
it doesn't matter who you are.

There's really a stigma around
mental health.

It's hard for everybody

and I think there's a kind of... a...

it's quite a specific issue in...
in the queer community

that I think is...is...

It's makes it a hard thing to address.

Owning up to there being a problem
is a good step forward. - Tah tah!!!

The next step throw some glitter at it.

- Ladies and gentlemen you're
in Johnny Woo's show

[Applause]

Welcome to the Glory's big gay
mental health night

[Applause]

We'll be investigating and

and getting to the bottom of
gay mental health.

- Now to enlist some confessions
and darkest fears

- You can come and write in
my mental health box

- I wouldn't'mind. I mean, I've got a story to tell, so...
- Put it in

- If you like thoughts and feelings,
like secrets, like the confessions

...Like having some paper and stuff over there.

I'm supposed to stay clear of weird company...

- People with mental health problems they

they just need a little bit of respect

[music]

and one of them was from my dad
- Ladies and gentlemen, Thank you very much

[Applause and music]

- Oh my gosh... hmm...

I don't know what to say

It was amazing

It was so good

I asked people to put their confessions
in my honesty box.

Okay, this one says it was freaking scary

but then one day my teacher
pulled me aside after school

and told me about their gay friend.

It was the first time I'd heard that
you could be gay and happy.

My depression lifted and
I came out soon after.

It's nice!

This one says:

I hate my body, I do not like
what I see in the mirror

and I feel I will never find a partner
until I'll look better.

I fit the gay stereotype and

it makes really sad and hopeless sometimes.

The hate of homosexuality that

the world instilled in me
as I was growing up

stays with me

It is a battle that I attempt
to overcome every day.

[Music and applause]

It's quite shocking to read these
because you're like...

I was there tonight
like everyone's having a good time

and it's like... you can't have a good time

but you know people are actually feeling
these things and...

and...

you know this is like,
you know that's like honest.

Nothing is gonna happen
unless we talk about this,

like it's just not

like we can't pretend like...

things are gonna get better

if we don't fucking talk about it

Hmm, sorry...hmm...

like it's just not

[Applause and music]

[Music]

Everyone I've spoken to

was either bullied at school for being lgbt

or it was made clear that it was shameful.

Imagine the benefits to them if that

had been directly challenged.

Today I'm at a school in Wood Green
in London and...hmm

I've been asked by a organization called
"Diversity role models"

to take part of a workshop.

Hmm... that's all about lgbt issues and...

and my good friend Paris Lees

is thankfully doing it with me.

-Hi
- What are you doing at the bike shed?

- Oh you know me, just hanging around.

How are you? I'm so nervous
- Me too.

It's exciting as well though.
- Right, yeah, it'll be good.

It does look like a nice school actually
- Yeah

- Gemma Curtis has been mentoring us

in how to be good lgbt role models

and she'll be holding our hands throughout.

- How are you by feeling about
telling your stories?

- Well...
- Good!

- Yeah. I'm excited but

I'm really worried I'm going to cry

- Oh no, don't.
- Nooo....

- How many times have you done this
do you think?

- Oh well, I'm school with them...hundreds
- Really?

I'm not gonna lie
both Paris and I are petrified.

This is the first time I've been inside
a school, I think, since I left

and i try like to not think about like

young me very much

because it makes me sad

and then when you're around just
like loads of young people

reminds me of when I was young.

- Hmm... Ollie is going to introduce
a bit of a game

- Anagram game, so it's gonna be
some words on this side

I jumbled them up

and I want you to rearrange them
into words

they actually are meant to be.

- Lesbian
- Right, lesbian

Gay...bisexual...transgender

- Very good. That was very quick, yeah.
- I'm very impressed.

- Okay, what do we think might be
the key issues that

somebody who identifies as lgbt

it would be dealing with

if they were in school with you, guys? Yeah!

Bullying

- What kind of bullying might that be?

- They would mad at to be friend of you

- So, rejection.
- Yes

- They'll feel bad about themselves

like being gay or lesbian

- Low self-esteem
- Low self-esteem yeah.

- Yeah
- Yes...

- I think because like sometimes people

aren't comfortable coming out
to their parents

and they...their parents might judge them,

they think other people might be worse

and like... act differently towards them.
- Excellent.

- I don't think this board is
big enough actually.

- Let's give Ollie a big
round of applause

- Thank you. Uh! Yes. So my name is Ollie.

Hello, it's very nice to meet all of you

I was gonna tell you a little bit about

my story, my time at school.

You know, people would start say to me that

hmm... the things that I did were gay
or the clothes I wore were gay

and they meant it in a negative way

and they told me to stop being gay,
stop behaving gay,

that I was a puff or a fag

You know, they made fun of me

or they pushed me around in the playground

and I was really terrified that
I might actually be gay

like maybe they were right

like the things they were saying to me
might be true

but I didn't want to admit it like

because I thought being gay
was a bad thing

I felt ashamed.

I think the words we use are so important,

we can't forget that!

- I really hope you've got some questions

and you're going to write them down
on a post-it note.

- Now it's time to see if we got them thinking.

- Oh, good question

[music]

- Did you ever use word gay in a negative
way yourself to fit in? Ollie.

- Hmm...I think I probably did, you know.

Yeah, the... the pressure to fit in is
really big, isn't it?

- Did you get help from your school or parents?

- No and it's a really good question,

More kids are being supported in schools now

and I think that's a really good thing.

With the support of their school
and their family,

they are much more likely to be happy,

healthy and not have problems.

- How can I help my friend with
coming out?

- Supporting your friends or
a friend who wants to come out

is all about just...,you know,

being respectful of that,
of how they feel

and if you do see abuse or your friends suffering

you're ready to step in and
help in some way

even if it's just being there for them.

[applause]

- I wish I went to this school

- I wish I'd gone to this school too.

We've done research which shows that

two years, three years down the line

they still remember the facts and
the stories of the role model

when they came in.
- Yeah

- so your stories kind of... will seep in

and they will remember stories
- Yeah, they do

- Yeah, I mean I just keep thinking
if this had happened in my school

it would just... it blows my mind

that it can happen in this environment.

It works too.

On average in all the schools

diversity role models have worked
in over the last two years

Over 40% of students said they use

homophobic or transphobic language

before the session

and only 15% would after.

It's great what they're doing, but

but why should a charity be doing this?

Shouldn't schools be addressing this anyway

as part of the curriculum?

- Without shadow of a doubt

it would have made such difference

if i had had

lgbt inclusive sex relationship education.

It would have helped me
in so many ways

and it would have helped other queer kids

but also it would have helped the kids

that weren't queer, that were straight like...

everybody benefits from this kind of
sex relationship education

[Music]

I'm learning more and more the benefits

of how good it feels to talk about stuff

and also being honest with yourself

about how you're feeling

Something I fear Sean hasn't
entirely been doing.

We were meant to meet up
a couple of weeks ago

but he had to reschedule

because he was having a lot of
anxiety and panic attacks and things.

So...hmm...I think he's going through
a really tough time at the moment.

I'm hoping he feels he can talk to me

about what's been going on.

- How are you doing?
- Oh good, good. Hang in there.

I am in what we call "in recovery lapsing".

Hmm... and I lapsed into doing drugs again

Hmm... I came home from work,

it was a bad day of work

I just really wanted to
just do nothing and...

I got a text from

someone I previously did drugs with

because I was so down on myself and
on my self-worth

before I knew it

the voice in my head to wanting
to go and do drugs.

It made my heart really beat out my chest.

I was thinking

finally I'm gonna get some,

finally I'm gonna get what I want,

finally I'm gonna go back
to what I felt was normal.

- It's clear Sean is still in
the midst of some very tough times

but he seems so together,

putting on a brave face,

it's something I do too.

- So you know when we met last time...
- Yeah

and...

talking about kind of...

glossing over things or making things

sound like everything's fine

and you were saying stuff to me like
- Yeah

hmm..." I was drugged and raped and

this happened and this happened, but

you know, it was a real positive experience

and here I am now and like..."

It just sounds like it's so hard for you

and I felt like you weren't acknowledging that.

- Yeah, I don't like the memory of it

- Yeah...
- But at the same time...

hmm...I do think about it,
I think about it a lot...hmm...

The moments I talk about

anything personal

hmm...I always put on a smile

because i don't like anyone

thinking that I'm weak or

vulnerable or

things that make me look like

I'm damaged goods and

those moments,

especially that moment of

me getting raped, it was...

I don't know what to say... it was... hmm...

a difficult time because I,
I still blame myself and I...

- Why, why do you blame yourself?

- I guess it's that bad habit of beating
myself up

- Yeah
- Trying to see what I did wrong

instead of seeking help to try and go.

Okay, you went through this,

let's move on from that.

I really just pushed it down, hence...

why I'm always smiling and

always giving this...

I'm fine persona.

- I don't know,

it's like some of the stuff that
he was saying like

hearing it's quite hard because

you know, saying like... he still blames himself

for being raped like...
what the fuck like...

you know... it's really...fuck!

Just people should love to feel like that

Yeah, it's just horrible!

It does really hit from start because

You know, it's like...

I feel like it's just something...

that...

me and my friends

have had experience with.

Those friends aren't here anymore because,

you know,

it's like if one more person,

if one more person goes that way

it's like...I can't...

Like it's not right...

guys aren't maybe doing too much drugs and...

It's just scary

how it can be like one step away from

those people being lost to us, you know,

like I don't want that to happen to Sean,

I really don't.

[Music]

- We're losing too many gay men to drugs.

A recent report by Imperial College claims

someone dies every 12 days in London

just from the chem sex drug g

and drug use generally within
the lgbt community

is thought to be

seven times higher than
the general population.

I think lots of this is down to self-worth.

Following his laps, I'm so pleased that Sean

is seeking further help from
the drugs program he was on.

"Antidote" is the UK's only lgbt-specific

drug and alcohol service

and is based at London Friend.

[Music]

- Thank you very much

- All right!

I'm just very grateful to Sean

for, for letting me hear about his story

All our stories are connected you know

and we can all relate to that and

I...I still do it, you know, I still

put on... put on a smile because

You know, I think being honest
with ourselves

about the wounds that we've been dealt

and the scars that we have

is part of the process, you know.

[Music]

Today my band "Years and years" are

headlining the mighty hoops festival
in London.

- Well, my hoopla is a festival

kind of organized by the "Think the pink" crew

who are a queer kind of collective.

It should be a really queer event,

lots of lgbt people.

[Music]

I don't actually know where I'm going

I think I need to get into a car

If I look up back at myself 10 years ago

the main difference is

now I know how to take care of
my own mental health,

I have the tools available to me

so if something comes up
I can be like "pow",

you know, knock that back!

- There's a little gap here

- Yeah
- Yeah

- Right is the back

- Are you wearing a jockstrap?
- Yes

- Yes, do you like it?
- Yeah

- I had this bright idea of that

I would like to be

just in my gold underwear covered
in gold glitters

or all wrapped up or something like.

Right now it's been happening,
covered in gold glitter

- Thank you Margie
- Yeah. I'm good, I'm good

- Just wearing normal clothes,
looking normal

- Oh my god

[music]

I think we have a real opportunity here

to help

younger generations and
the ones that come after them.

It's a choice between kids having

low self-esteem, damaged feeling,
undeserving of love, ashamed

versus encouragement and positivity

for them to live their authentic selves and
be who they are.

We have to do everything we can

to make sure that happens

- What do you do?

- And then it becomes unquestioned and
normal that we have

inclusive lgbt sexual relationship education,

it becomes normal that

parents know how to talk to their kids
about their sexuality

and then we can try and stop what...

the suffering and pain that's happening

[Music]

I think it's, it's really hard

not to let...how you grew up

growing up gay in a straight world

affects you.

My journey has been

really trying to reconcile

everything that happened to me
growing up

and, you know,

now I do things I never dreamed
I would do

I go on stage in, you know, crazy outfits

So, I'm really out to everybody and...

I get to...

spread a message

in front of thousands of people.

The queer community inspires me every day.

We're a very, very diverse community but

I think one thing that
we can have in common

is the love and support for each other.

So... and.. hmm...

One thing that I've learned recently is

like how hard we all find to talk,

like really, really to talk.

You need to take some time to
actually listen to somebody

because it can make such a difference.

So, this tent loves you

like no matter what sexuality, gender,

what your body looks like,
what you look like,

whether you're femme,
whether you're math,

whether young or old

like we look out for each other

[Music]

You deserve to have a happy life

Never think that you shouldn't have love

or you shouldn't be entitled to

a happy family or or whatever you want

you deserve to have them.

Young lgbt people are like the strongest,

bravest, most inspiring people I know.

[Music]