Oliver the Eighth (1934) - full transcript

Barbershop owners Stanley and Oliver both answer a personal ad from a rich widow seeking a husband. Oliver hides Stanley's reply and mails just his own. When Oliver receives a proposal of marriage from the widow, he sets off to start a life of wealth and ease. But just then Stanley discovers his unsent letter and demands to be brought along. At the widow's home, they're informed by the creepy butler that his mistress is crazy; having been jilted once by another Oliver, her hobby now is marrying all the Olivers she can find and then slitting their throats. So far, there've been seven Olivers.

Listen to this.

"Wealthy young widow with large fortune

"wishes to communicate
with congenial young man.

"Object - matrimony.

"Reply box 204J."

Probably some old crab
with a face that would stop a clock.

I wouldn't marry her
no matter how much money she had.

- Well, I'd marry her.
- You would.

After all, beauty's only skin deep.

I'd take some of the money
and have her face lifted.

Then I wouldn't have
to scrape chins any more.

I wouldn't have to work hard any more.

- Tell me that again.
- Eh?

- Let me hear that again.
- Well, if beauty was only knee... skin deep,

I could take some of the money
and have her skinned...

then she'd be able to look at a clock
without having to work hard,

then we could settle down
and I could scrape her chin and congenial

if I didn't have to work hard any more.

That's a good idea.

You bet your life it is. I'm gonna answer this.

What do you mean,
you're going to answer it?

- I found it.
- I'll tell you what we'll do.

- What?
- We'll make a gentleman's agreement.

We'll both answer it.
And may the best man... win.

"Dear Mrs Box...

"204J... "

Give me your letter and I'll mail it for you.

What does "PTO" mean?

"Please turn over. "

"Sealed with a kiss. " Mm!

Oh. Put those things away
and give me a shave.

Another Oliver?

Is he to share the same fate
as the other seven Olivers?

And why not?

It was an Oliver who came
into my life and double-crossed me.

Left me on the eve of my wedding.

And I've sworn to take revenge
on every Oliver that crosses my path.

Strange that on the eve of every wedding,

you walk in your sleep.

And in the morning, a body is found...

with its throat cut.

Make preparations for Oliver the Eighth.

Very well, madam.

# I'm sitting

# On top of the world... #

- Hello, Ollie.
- Stanley. Where'd you go?

I was just down the street.
I went to have a shave.

# Just rolling along... #

Where're you going?

Remember that wealthy widow we wrote to?

- Yeah.
- I got a letter from her.

She fell for me like a ton of bricks.

We're going to be married
as soon as I can get there.

Did you fall for that old crab
after all you said?

Take a look at that.


- She's a pip.
- Isn't she?

I wonder what she can see in you.

Well, she probably thinks...

What do you mean,
what she can see in me?

It's funny she never answered my letter.

There's nothing funny about that.
You just weren't the type.

Now that you're gonna be married,
what will we do with the shop?

That's entirely up to you.
You can do just what you please with it.

- Well, aren't I going with you?
- I'm afraid not.

I'm sorry, but my social position
won't permit it.

- Goodbye.
- Bye.

# I'm sitting on top of the world

# Just rolling along... #

- Good evening.
- The name, please?

Oliver Norvell Hardy.

I'd like to see the future Mrs Hardy.

Come in.

Thank you.

- Madam will be right down.
- Thank you.

- Won't you be seated?
- Yes. Surely.

Nice weather we had tomorrow.

It certainly...

Don't disturb these.

Listen, you! If...

What are you doing here?

Well, all's fair in love and war.

You're gonna give me my share
of this fortune, or I'll tell her about you.

- You didn't mail my letter...
- Your share?

I want half of what you're going to get.

Half of what I'm going to get?

You bet your life. I want my cut
and I'm gonna stay here till I get it.

All right. If you'll keep your mouth shut,
I'll see that you get it.


- What d'you do with the barber shop?
- I sold it.

- How much did you get?
- I didn't exactly sell it. I swapped it.

- You swapped it?
- Yeah. Look what the fella gave me.


Solid gold. He told me to keep it
till we got back on the gold standard.

So I'm gonna hide it someplace
and maybe...

- Is this all you got?
- No. He was very generous.

- Guess what he threw in?
- What?

Some nuts.

- Oliver.
- My queen.

What is that?

- What?
- This!

Oh. That's my friend, Mr Laurel.

Come, Oliver.
Let's make plans for the wedding.

Very well, dear.

These go down there.

Take a card.

Go on, take one.

Show it to me. The seven of diamonds.


Here. Show it to your friend.

Go on. Show it to him.

Go on. Show it to him.


- Take a card.
- What?

Take a card.

"Take a card"!

Look what he did.

- You may serve dinner, Jitters.
- Yes, madam.

You dropped one.

Thank you.

"You dropped one"!

- What's the matter with him?
- He's crazy.

He imagines things.

- Is he dangerous?
- Not if you humour him.

Have you a pair of scissors?

- What's that for?
- That means dinner is served.

Come, Oliver.

Your glass, please.

- Soup, madam?
- Thank you, Jitters. Your plate?

Very little, Jitters.

The crackers, please.

The crackers.


- Pass the salt, please.
- The salt.

This is the pepper.

Oh, so it is.

The salt.

- Salt?
- Thank you.


You're using the wrong fork.

- You're nuts.
- Who said I was nuts?

She did.

Can I speak to you two gentlemen
a moment?

Will you pardon us, please?

Will you be careful?

Don't believe a word she says.

She's the one that's crazy, not me.

- Did you ever have your throat cut?
- No.

- Well, you're going to.
- What do you mean?

When you're asleep tonight,
she's going to come into your room

and cut your throat!

The same as she did to seven other Olivers.

- We'd better get outta here.
- I think so too. Goodbye.

- Bye.
- Just a minute!

- Are all the doors locked?
- Yes, madam.

- The windows barred?
- Yes, madam.

Show these gentlemen to
the guest chamber in the left wing.

Yes, madam.

Goodbye, Oliver the Eighth.

I hope you have a nice... long... sleep.

I wish I hadn't come!


Here's another nice mess
you've gotten me into.

What are we going to do? I'm scared.

There's only one thing to do.

One of us will have to stay awake
to keep her from cutting my throat.

I can't stay awake all night.

You don't have to. We'll take turns.

I'll sleep a while while you stay awake,

then while you sleep, I'll stay awake.

She'll not catch us napping.

Very simple.
Here, hang my coat in the closet.

- That's a good idea, Ollie.
- You bet your life it is.

No, sir. She won't catch us napping.

I'll stay awake while he's...

Look! Look what I found.

Is it loaded?

It's a good thing you weren't inside them.

Give me that gun and get ready for bed.

"Inside them"! Oh.

Is everything in readiness?

Are you sure the knife is good and sharp?

Yes, madam.

Whatever you do,
don't go to sleep until I wake up.

And if you see her come in, use the gun.

- Good night.
- Good night.

What are you trying to do?
Do you want me to get my throat cut?

- No.
- Then don't go to sleep.

I can't tell when I'm asleep.

That's why I want you to stay awake.
So you can see you're not asleep.

I was dreaming I was awake and then
I woke up and found myself asleep.

Can't you stay awake
without getting into mischief?

I can't stay awake if I've
got nothing to occupy my mind.

Have to do something. Fall asleep if I don't...

I'll give you something to occupy your mind.

What's this for?

That's merely for my own protection.

That's so you'll keep awake.

As the flame gets near the string,
you move the string down.

If you don't, the flame will burn the string,

the string will release the brick

and the brick will hit you on the head.

Now you've got something
to occupy your mind.

You'll have to stay awake.

Good night.

- Ollie?
- What?

Don't look now, but there's a man's hand
holding onto the foot of the bed.

Get that gun and shoot to kill.

Easy now.

Ow! Ow, my foot!

Put that gun back in the closet.

Isn't it bad enough to have my throat cut
without you shooting me first?

Go on, get!

Why don't you sleep in bed?

You'll catch your death of cold
sleeping here all night.

Oh! Ollie! Ollie!
She's coming to cut your throat!

Ollie, she's going to cut your throat!

What's the matter?

I just had a terrible dream.