Old Goats (2011) - full transcript

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

...SO, UM, THERE MIGHT BE
A FEW BARNACLES ON IT

BUT I'VE BEEN ASSURED
BY SOME OF YOU

THAT HAVE HAD MORE RECENT
SAILING EXPERIENCE THAN I HAVE

THAT IN JUST A MATTER
OF A FEW HOURS

OUT ON THE
STRAITS OF JUAN DE FUCA

AND ALL THOSE BARNACLES
WILL SLOUGH OFF

AND IT'LL BE SMOOTH SAILING
FROM THERE ON OUT

ACROSS THE PACIFIC TO
THE HAWAIIAN ISLANDS.

AND AFTER SOME RECUPERATIVE TIME
ON OAHU, MAYBE ON TO KAUAI,



AND THEN I'LL SET MY SIGHTS
TO MOVE A LITTLE FURTHER WEST

AND I'M NOT SURE
WHETHER IT'S GONNA BE JAPAN

OR THE PHILIPPINES.

MAYBE I'LL WANT TO UH,

MAYBE I'LL WANT TO
SAIL AROUND THE WORLD!

[LAUGHTER]

AND I CAN ASSURE YOU,

TAKING SPECIAL PRECAUTIONS
IN INSPECTING MY BOAT

AND PROVISIONING MY BOAT.

I'VE STOCKED
THE BOAT THOROUGHLY.

THE FACT IS, I HAVE 480,000
CALORIES OF FOODSTUFF ON BOARD.

I'VE CALCULATED
THAT WOULD LAST ME

SOMETHING ON THE ORDER
OF ALMOST TWO MONTHS.

I'VE HAD AT LEAST HALF A DOZEN
PRACTICE SESSIONS HERE



JUST RECENTLY OUT
IN THE BAY.

AND I PRACTICE THINGS
LIKE SCANNING THE HORIZON

AND THE FOREGROUND
LOOKING FOR DEBRIS

THAT I DON'T WANT TO RUN OVER.

AND ALSO, I'VE GOT A HANDBOOK.

I BOUGHT A HANDBOOK.

IT'S ALL ABOUT LIVING AT SEA
IN A RAFT.

HOW TO SURVIVE IN AN EMERGENCY.

I'VE EVEN GOT A GPS TO HELP ME
WITH MY CELESTIAL NAVIGATION.

I'VE BEEN REALLY HONING
MY SKILLS AS A SAILOR

AND THEY ARE JUST
A LITTLE BIT RUSTY

BUT I'VE BEEN REAL PLEASED
WITH THE WAY THINGS ARE GOING.

KEEP IN MIND,

I HAVE LIVED ON THIS BOAT
FOR NEARLY 30 YEARS NOW

AND WHEN YOU'RE CONFINED
TO 70 SQUARE FEET OVER 30 YEARS,

YOU REALLY GET TO KNOW

ALL THE LITTLE
NOOKS AND CRANNIES

AND THEY BECOME REALLY
ALMOST A PART OF YOU.

YOU KNOW, I KNOW WE ALL
HAVE CONCERNS ABOUT BRITT BUT,

BY GOLLY, WE OUGHT TO BE
REALLY HAPPY FOR HIM.

HE WORKED FOR
QUALITY AUTOMOTIVE SERVICE

ALL OF HIS LIFE THAT I KNOWN.

HELL, I'VE KNOWN HIM
FOR LONGER THAN YOU HAVE.

PROBABLY 30-40 YEARS
THAT I'VE KNOWN HIM.

YOU KNOW, THIS IS A GUY
THAT'S NEVER BEEN ANYWHERE.

HE'S NEVER BEEN NORTH TO CANADA.

HE'S NEVER BEEN TO MONTANA.

I DON'T THINK HE'S EVEN
BEEN SOUTH TO OREGON.

AND HERE HE'S UNDERGOING
THIS GREAT ADVENTURE.

WE KNOW THE BOAT IS OLD

AND, YOU KNOW,
IT'S NOT VERY WELL EQUIPPED

BUT HE SEEMS TO BE ABLE
TO DEAL WITH THAT.

HE WANTS TO GO AND I TELL YOU,
I'M SO HAPPY FOR HIM I JUST...

[TALKING CONTINUES
IN BACKGROUND]

BOB BURKHOLDER LOOKED LIKE
HE COULD TIP OVER DEAD

AT ANY MOMENT

BUT HE HAD MORE ENERGY THAN
ALMOST EVERYBODY I KNEW.

[MUSIC]

I'D ONLY MET BOB RECENTLY
IN MY SENIOR FITNESS CLASS.

THAT'S RIGHT.
I'M A SENIOR.

THAT DOESN'T QUITE
SIT RIGHT WITH ME EITHER

BUT THAT'S WHAT THEY
CALL ME THESE DAYS.

BOB ASKED ME
FOR A RIDE HOME ONE DAY

WITH SOME STORY
ABOUT A FENDER-BENDER

THAT LEFT HIS CAR IN THE SHOP.

[BACKGROUND CONVERSATION]

WELL, A RIDE HERE AND THERE

QUICKLY TURNED INTO A FULL-TIME JOB IN A MATTER OF WEEKS.

BUT IT DID GET ME OUT OF THE
HOUSE AND THE THING WAS,

I SORT OF ENJOYED HIS COMPANY.

HE TURNED OUT TO BE
A FASCINATING GUY

AND I BECAME
PRETTY FOND OF HIM.

STILL LAYING OVER
THE PILE OF ROCKS

SO I ASSUME THE SHEEP
WERE STILL THERE.

OH, YEAH.

THAT'S THE WAY I SHOT THE SUCKER

AND HE DROPPED
LIKE A SACK OF SHIT.

I'LL BE DARNED.

I JUST NAILED HIM RIGHT
TO THE SPOT AND I HAD TO

BECAUSE HE'S RIGHT ON
THE EDGE OF THE CLIFF.

YEAH.

HAD HE KICKED ONCE,
HE'D BEEN OVER.

WOW.

SO I RAN DOWN AND JUMPED
ON TOP OF HIM AND --

BOB'S TALES ABOUT
HUNTING MOOSE AND ELK

AND BIG HORNED SHEEP IN MONTANA

AND EVERYWHERE ELSE
YOU CAN THINK OF,

PARACHUTING IN WORLD WAR II,
CRASHING PLANES IN ALASKA,

AND ALL THAT STUFF,
IT'S JUST INCREDIBLE.

HE'S WRITING MEMOIRS
OF SOME SORT

AND FEELS COMPELLED
TO UPDATE ME ON HIS PROGRESS.

I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH
I BELIEVE EVERYTHING HE SAYS

BUT IT SURE IS INTERESTING

COMPARED TO MY
EXECUTIVE CAREER IN FINANCE.

I RETIRED ABOUT SIX MONTHS AGO.

AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT MY WIFE
AND I TOLD ALL OUR FRIENDS.

TRUTH BE TOLD, I WAS EASED OUT

WITH A VERY LARGE,
ENCOURAGING CHECK.

I DO SORT OF MISS GOING
TO THE OFFICE EVERY MORNING

AND JUST HAVING THAT
EVERY DAY ROUTINE.

SO NOW EVERY MORNING
I GET UP AT THE REGULAR TIME

AND SPEND A COUPLE HOURS
IN MY HOME OFFICE

MANAGING MY RETIREMENT FUNDS.

SO HAULING BOB
FROM PLACE TO PLACE

HAS BECOME A CONSIDERABLE PART
OF MY DAILY ROUTINE.

BOB HAS CHOIR PRACTICE ON
WEDNESDAYS AND FRIDAYS.

SURPRISINGLY, HE'S A BASS.

[CHOIR SINGING]
HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH!
HALLELUJAH! AMEN!

[SINGING CONTINUES]

TUESDAY AND THURSDAY
WAS MEN'S OATMEAL CLUB.

YOU EVER HEARD OF
AN OATMEAL CLUB?

IT'S AT THE SENIOR CENTER

AND YOU SHOULD SEE
SOME OF THESE GUYS.

BOB'S PRESIDENT!

HE LEADS POST-MEAL DISCUSSIONS

AND USUALLY THOSE
GET TRANSFORMED

INTO ARGUMENTS OF SOME KIND.

AND THERE'S BOB'S GIRLFRIEND,
CAROLYN.

[MUSIC]

I CAN'T IMAGINE WHERE HE GETS
THAT KIND OF ENERGY.

BUT MONDAY NIGHTS
AT COREY'S CAFé

DOWN BY THE HARBOR

IS WHERE BOB SEEMS
TO FIT IN THE BEST.

COREY WOULD CLOSE UP
AROUND 7:00.

BUT HE'D KEEP THE PLACE
AVAILABLE TO THE OLD TIMERS.

ALL GUYS LOCAL BUT I'D
NEVER MET THEM BEFORE.

NO GIRLFRIENDS, NO WIVES,

NO ORGANIZED AGENDA,
NO GUEST SPEAKERS.

JUST GUYS BS'ING ABOUT
NOTHING IN PARTICULAR.

I HAD DRIVEN BY COREY'S
THOUSANDS OF TIMES

BUT I'D NEVER EVEN BEEN
IN THE PLACE UNTIL LAST MONTH.

[LAUGHTER]

TONIGHT AT COREY'S

WAS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT
FROM THE NORM.

ONE OF THESE GUYS
IS APPARENTLY LEAVING TOMORROW

ON A LITTLE SAILBOAT FOR HAWAII.

BOB HAD THIS BIG
SEND-OFF CELEBRATION.

SLIDE SHOW.

PLANNED COURSE DETAILS,

LOCATIONS OF VISITS AND
A PAINFULLY LONG PRESENTATION

ABOUT ALL THE PREP AND PLANNING THIS GUY HAD GONE THROUGH.

CONGRATULATIONS!
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

THINK I'LL HAVE A GOOD TRIP.

ALTHOUGH I THOUGHT
IT WAS PRETTY INCREDIBLE

WHAT BRITT WAS DOING,
I WAS PRETTY SURE

THIS WAS THE LAST TIME
WE'D EVER SEE THE GUY.

- HAVE A GOOD TRIP THERE, BRITT.
- THANK YOU, FRANK.

BOB WAS PARTICULARLY EXCITED

BECAUSE BRITT HAD AGREED
TO LOAN HIM HIS TRUCK

WHILE HE WAS GONE.

AND THAT MEANT I WAS SOON TO BE RELEASED FROM MY DRIVING DUTIES.

OF COURSE, IN THE MORNING

WHEN I TOOK BOB DOWN
TO WAVE GOODBYE,

EVERYTHING CHANGED.

BRITT! HEY, BRITT!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN
YOU'RE NOT GOING?

GOOD GOD, BEN!
WE HAD THE SLIDESHOW LAST NIGHT.

WE GOT EVERYBODY EXCITED
ABOUT YOU GOING

AND NOW YOU'RE CRAPPING OUT!

YOU KNOW,
I THINK YOU'RE A WIMP.

I WAS HOPING -- GODDAMMIT! --

I WAS HOPING YOU'RE
CHANGING YOUR LIFE!

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

- WHAT?
- HANG ON.

LET'S GO GET A CUP OF COFFEE
AND COOL DOWN.

WELL, THAT MIGHT BE
A GOOD IDEA.

THAT DAMN SON OF A BITCH!

- THANK YOU.
- YOU'RE WELCOME.

WELL, IT WAS AN AMBITIOUS IDEA

THAT JUST DIDN'T
COME TO FRUITION.

DON'T GET TOO DOWN ON YOURSELF.

THERE'S A BUNCH OF
ADVENTURES TO BE HAD.

YOU KNOW?

I MEAN, THERE'S ALWAYS A SILVER
LINING TO EVERY EXPERIENCE, SO.

OH, THAT'S BULLSHIT.

YOU KNOW, I'M NOT GOING
TO GLOSS OVER THIS THING.

YOU STARTED SOMETHING,
YOU OUGHT TO FINISH IT.

I THOUGHT I MADE
MYSELF CLEAR, BOB.

I'M NOT GOING.
END OF STORY.

SO WHAT ARE YOU
GOING TO DO NOW?

OH, I HADN'T EVEN
THOUGHT ABOUT THAT.

UH, I MAYBE COULD GET
MY OLD JOB BACK.

THAT'S INCREDULOUS!
GOTCHA NO IMAGINATION?

YOU WANT TO BE A GREASE MONKEY

THE REST OF YOUR LIFE,
FOR CHRIST SAKES?

MAYBE YOU OUGHT TO TAKE UP
THE GAME OF GOLF.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW,
DO SOME RELAXING THINGS.

THAT'S A STUPID GAME.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT GOLF.

YOU KNOW,
THIS IS GOING NOWHERE.

I STILL NEED TO USE YOUR TRUCK.

[BACKGROUND TALKING]

[MOTOR STARTS]
A STANDARD TRANSMISSION?

YEAH, I KNOW.

PAY ATTENTION.

WHEN YOU DRIVE,
IT'S A FULL-TIME JOB.

DON'T BE TALKING WITH
SOMEBODY OR DAYDREAMING.

NO, I WANT TO THANK YOU
FOR THE USE OF IT

AND I'LL PROMISE I'LL HAVE
IT BACK AT 8 O'CLOCK.

HOW'S THAT? TONIGHT.

OKAY, YOU GO AHEAD
AND TAKE ON OUT OF HERE.

DON'T FORGET TO RELEASE
THE EMERGENCY BRAKE.

[MOTOR ROARS AND CHUGS AWAY]

[MUSIC]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
HEY, BRITT?

IT'S DAVE.

I GOT A PHONE CALL HERE FOR YOU.
BOB WANTS TO TALK TO YOU.

- BOB.
- BRITT, IS THAT YOU FINALLY?

YEAH, YOU PROMISED TO BE BACK
SO I COULD HAVE THE PICKUP.

WELL, I KNOW.

BUT YOU KNOW, THINGS ARE
DIFFERENT NOW THAN THEY WERE

AND I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT.

WELL, GODDAMMIT,

YOU SHOULD SHOW A LITTLE MORE
CONSIDERATION AND --

YEAH, THIS IS UNUSUAL
CIRCUMSTANCES, BRITT.

YOU GOT TO UNDERSTAND
THAT AND I'M REALLY SORRY.

I APOLOGIZE.

YOU KNOW,
THE TRUCK'S IN FINE SHAPE.

I CHANGED THE OIL.

WELL, A LOT OF GOOD
THAT DOES ME RIGHT NOW.

YOU DUMB SHIT!
I TRUSTED YOU.

I HAD PLANS TO MAKE AND THEN
YOU'VE LEFT ME HIGH AND DRY.

WELL, I'M SORRY
BUT YOU KNOW, IT'S UH,

THINGS JUST DEVELOPED HERE
DIFFERENT FROM WHAT I PLANNED

AND UH, YOU KNOW,
I'LL HELP GET IT BACK TO YOU.

EVENTUALLY.

EVENTUALLY?

WELL, YEAH!

I DON'T KNOW --

EXACTLY WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
"EVENTUALLY?"

I EXPECT IT BACK
AT A MINIMUM IN --

LATER ON THIS MORNING!

WELL, I KNOW
BUT I CAN'T DO THAT.

THAT'S WHY I CALLED,
TO TELL YOU THAT, YOU KNOW,

I'M REALLY SORRY BUT UH --
EVENTS HERE TRANSPIRED

AND I JUST CAN'T
GET IT BACK THAT SOON.

I KNOW. I KNOW.

ANYWAY, UH --

OKAY. I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER.

NO -- ANYWAY, I THOUGHT I'D GET
IN TOUCH WITH YOU AND LET YOU --

BOB CAN'T GET MY TRUCK BACK
IN TIME AND I NEED A LIFT.

CAN YOU GIVE ME A LIFT?

YEAH. YOU KNOW, IF YOU
DON'T HAVE TO GO VERY FAR.

WHERE YOU GOT TO GO
DOWNTOWN OR SOMETHING?

I MEAN IF THE CUSTOMERS
LIKE ME AND I DO GOOD WORK,

I MEAN, WHY WOULDN'T YOU
WANT TO TAKE ME BACK?

I MEAN,
I NEED SOMETHING TO DO.

IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE

ON A PERMANENT
OR EVEN FULL-TIME BASIS.

I'D BE WILLING TO
WORK PART-TIME.

WEEKENDS, IF NECESSARY.

WELL...
TO BE HONEST, BRITT.

I MEAN, YOU HAVEN'T
BEEN THAT GOOD LATELY.

THERE'S JUST BEEN SOME --
YOU'VE SLOWED DOWN.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS BUT
YOU'VE MADE SOME MISTAKES,

THERE'S BEEN SOME
COMPLAINTS FROM CUSTOMERS.

WELL, THERE WAS THE ONE ISSUE
WITH MISS HAGGERTY.

REMEMBER HER?
MAYBE YOU DON'T KNOW HER.

SEAN, WHO WAS HERE AT THE TIME

CHANGED HER OIL AND
THE CROSS-STRUT --

THE LUG NUT AND THE --

NO. BRITT. LISTEN. IT'S NOT....

LISTEN, NONE OF
THAT STUFF MATTERS.

OKAY? WHEN YOU QUIT IT WAS
THE BEST THING FOR BOTH OF US.

I'M SORRY. OKAY? I AM. I --

WELL...
I UNDERSTAND, TRAVIS.

AND I UNDERSTAND
YOU'RE THE BOSS, TOO.

SO...OKAY.

WELL, I WON'T TAKE
ANY MORE OF YOUR TIME.

I'LL BE ON MY WAY.
I'LL SEE YOU AROUND.

SO, WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN
YOU'RE NOT DRIVING BOB AROUND?

[LIGHT-HEARTED MUSIC]

DO YOU KNOW GOLF IS A VERY
THERAPEUTIC KIND OF A SPORT?

YOU GET OUT HERE
IN THE OPEN AIR,

GET OUT OF THE HOUSE,

CLEAR YOUR MIND,
REALLY FOCUS YOUR CONCENTRATION.

IT'S VERY FREEING.

[MUSIC]

SEE WHY SO MANY
PEOPLE LOVE GOLF?

BECAUSE THE FEELING YOU GET
AFTER A REALLY TERRIFIC SHOT.

I USED TO HAVE A TERRIBLE
SLICE OFF THE TEE

AND NOW I'VE CORRECTED THAT.

I CAN HIT IT STRAIGHT.

I DON'T HAVE THE
DISTANCE I WANT YET.

BUT THAT'S WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT

IS CONTINUING TO IMPROVE
AND STRIVING TO EXCEL.

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

YAH!

SO WHAT'S NEXT FOR YOU?

[DEEP SIGH]
WELL. UH, I DON'T KNOW.

I LOOK AT BOB AND I
THINK THAT MAYBE,

MAYBE I LIKE HIS LIFESTYLE SOME.

SO...

YEAH, HE'S A CHARACTER.
SEEMS TO GET AROUND A LOT.

YEAH. HE'S GOT A WOMAN
IN HIS LIFE, TOO, YOU KNOW,

AND THAT'S --

I THINK THAT GIVES HIM A LOTTA,
LOTTA THINGS TO THINK ABOUT

AND TO DO THINGS WITH.

YOU THINKING ABOUT A WOMAN?

WELL, YEAH, AS A MATTER OF FACT.
I THINK --

HA-HA!

A WOMAN WOULD BE UH, OFFER A
CERTAIN AMOUNT OF COMPANIONSHIP

AND NOW I'VE GOT LOTS OF TIME
ON MY HAND, BEING RETIRED.

I COULD PROBABLY RECIPROCATE
IN SOME FASHION OR ANOTHER.

SO, I'M GIVING IT SOME THOUGHT,

I THINK THAT WOULD
BE A...AN IDEA.

I DON'T KNOW.
THEY CAN BE A LITTLE SPOOKY.

YOU WANT MY WIFE?

- NO.
- JUST KIDDING.

[LAUGHTER]

NO, NO, NO, NO.
I'M NOT GOING THERE.

BUT, HEY!
DO YOU HAVE ANY PLANS TONIGHT?

UMM... NO.
I DON'T HAVE ANY PLANS TONIGHT.

YOU KNOW,
SPEAKING OF CRYSTAL, UM,

WE'RE HOSTING A
COMMITTEE COCKTAIL PARTY

AT THE HOUSE THIS EVENING.

AS A MATTER OF FACT,
IT'S GETTING LATE ENOUGH

I PROBABLY SHOULD HEAD FOR HOME.

HELP HER SET THAT UP.

BUT YOU'RE WELCOME TO COME.

I MEAN, IT'S JUST GOING TO BE
A GROUP OF PEOPLE.

THERE'S A LITTLE
COMMITTEE MEETING

BUT IT'S DRINKS AND
LIGHT HORS D'OEUVRES

AND STUFF LIKE THAT AND YOU'LL
GET TO MEET A GROUP OF PEOPLE

THAT YOU MIGHT NOT OTHERWISE
GET A CHANCE TO MEET.

YOU GOT THE MARINA IN COMMON.

[DOOR CLOSES]
THERE HE IS!

DAVE! DAVE!

HEY, DOUG!

YOU'RE LATE
FOR YOUR OWN PARTY!

WE'RE DRINKING YOUR BOOZE, MAN!

I SAVED YOU A LITTLE HERE.

YEAH. THANKS, DOUG.
APPRECIATE IT.

[VOICES OVERLAP]

ARTIST FROM NEW YORK
STARTED A HOUSE.

FABULOUS!

I KNOW.

OH! AND THIS IS IN JULY?

DAVE'S HERE.

APPRECIATE IT.

THAT'S ALRIGHT. THAT'S ALRIGHT.
GLAD TO DO THAT.

YOU DIDN'T ABUSE

THAT POOR LITTLE BEER CART GIRL
AGAIN TODAY, DID YOU?

OH, NO.
IT'S NO FUN THE SECOND TIME.

HA-HA.
I GUESS NOT.

HEY, I WANT TO INTRODUCE
A FRIEND OF MINE, BRITT.

BRITT, THIS IS DOUG.

HOW DO YOU DO, BRITT?
PLEASED TO MEET YOU.

HOW ABOUT A LITTLE SOMETHING
TO DRINK THERE, HUH?

SURE.

SAY, DAWN, COULD WE GET
A GLASS FOR UH, BRITT?

WHO'S THAT WITH HIM?

YOU KNOW,
I DON'T REALLY KNOW.

NOW YOU'RE TALKING.

WELL, YOU GOT A LITTLE
CATCHING UP TO DO HERE, BUDDY.

YUP, WE DO.

YOU KNOW, DAVE'S BEEN
REALLY WEIRD LATELY.

THIS MORNING, WE WERE
GETTING READY FOR THE PARTY,

HE'S OUT THERE CLEANING
THE JACUZZI.

AND RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF IT,
HE GOT A PHONE CALL.

AND SUDDENLY HE'S OFF.

I HAVE NO IDEA
WHAT'S GOING ON.

DAVE LOOKS LIKE HE'S BEEN

PLAYING GOLF WITH
HIS CASUAL ATTIRE.

THAT'S THE TRUTH.

IT'S GOTTEN MORE CASUAL
BY THE DAY.

YEAH. WELL, SOMETIMES RETIREMENT
DOES THAT TO GUYS, YOU KNOW.

THEY JUST KIND OF PHBBBBBT.
PIDDLE DOWN.

DAVID!
HOW ARE YOU?

GREAT PARTY AS USUALLY HERE.

OH, WHY THANK YOU.

I'M RUNNING A LITTLE
LOW ON FUEL, BUDDY.

- YOU KNOW WHERE IT IS.
- I'M ON MY WAY.

- YOU KNOW WHERE IT IS.
- I'M ON MY WAY.

BRITT, COME ON IN HERE.

NANCY, MEET MY FRIEND, BRITT.

BRITT AND I WERE
GOLFING THIS MORNING

AND BROUGHT HIM ALONG
TO MEET A FEW FOLKS.

HI, BRITT.

I THINK YOU GUYS
ARE BOTH SAILORS.

YOU SAIL?

DAVID? DAVID?

OH, MY GOSH!
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.

OOH, I GOTTA COME
AND GIVE YOU A HUG.

THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE!

OH, MY G-- WHAT THE
HECK ARE YOU DOING HERE?

[SPLASHING]
[LIGHT SCREAMS OF SURPRISE]

OH, MY GOSH!

NOTHING TO WORRY
ABOUT HERE, GUYS.

JUST A LITTLE HOT-TUB ACCIDENT.

WE'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.

[VOICES OVERLAP]
- THAT'S THAT GUY!
- SOMEBODY BETTER CALL 911!

I DON'T KNOW WHO HE IS.

I SAW HIM EARLIER
BUT I DON'T KNOW WHO HE IS.

IT'S COLD.

NO KIDDING.

YOU THINK THEY'D HEAT A HOT TUB.

HEY, BRITT, TRY NOT TO BE TOO
EMBARRASSED ABOUT THIS, OKAY?

I MEAN, IT'S AS MUCH
HER FAULT AS IT IS YOURS

FOR SITTING ON THE EDGE
OF THE TUB.

[LAUGHING]

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

GET YOURSELF DRIED OFF,
CLEANED UP.

YOU WANT TO TAKE A SHOWER,
TAKE A SHOWER.

MY CLOTHES ARE OVER HERE.
ANYTHING THAT FITS.

FIND SOMETHING DRY
AND LOOKS GOOD.

YOU'LL BE FINE.

WE'LL LAUGH ABOUT IT
IN A MONTH.

REGAIN YOUR COMPOSURE AND
COME ON DOWNSTAIRS, OKAY?

SEE YOU LATER.

THANKS, DAVE.
THANKS.

CALLED 911, THEY THOUGHT MAYBE
HE'D HAD A HEART ATTACK,

IT WAS JUST --
IT'S OKAY, IT'S OKAY.

HE JUST GOT A LITTLE WET.

GOT BUMPED GOING IN.

HE'S UPSTAIRS DRYING OFF

AND CHANGING INTO A
FEW OF MY CLOTHES.

HE'LL BE FINE.

I'LL CLEAN THE TUB LATER.

[JAZZY MUSIC]

WELL, WE JUST REALLY DON'T KNOW
WHERE TO GO OR, YOU KNOW,

DO WE BUY SOMETHING THAT'S
KIND OF A DISTRESSED SALE

AND THEN I HAVE TO DECORATE?

THAT CAN BE FUN.

THAT CAN BE A LOT OF FUN.
YOU'D BE GOOD AT THAT.

NO, I KNOW WHAT I LIKE

BUT I CAN'T DECORATE MY WAY
OUT OF A PAPER BAG.

OH, REALLY?

PALM SPRINGS IS OLD HAT.

HEY, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT,
WE'LL COME DOWN AND HELP YOU.

[LAUGHING]
- THAT SOUNDS LIKE FUN.

YOU NEED TO LOOK
AT THE OTHER AREAS

BECAUSE WE JUST
SPEND A MONTH THERE

AND YOU KNOW,
'CAUSE PALM SPRINGS

IS WHERE THE OLD REGIME WAS.

THE OLD MOVIE STARS
AND ALL THAT.

BUT YOU KNOW,
IT'S ALL SPREAD OUT.

SO NOW, YOU HAVE PALM DESERT,
WHICH IS ...

[MOTOR CHUGS]

[JAZZY MUSIC]

SO, BRITT, TELL ME
ABOUT YOURSELF.

UM, ARE YOU MARRIED?

UH, NO, I'M NOT MARRIED.

SO I GUESS YOU DON'T
HAVE ANY KIDS THEN, HUH?

WELL, ACTUALLY,
I DON'T THINK SO.

OH! [LAUGHS]

WELL, WHAT DO YOU DO FOR WORK?

UM. I WAS IN THE OIL BUSINESS.
I JUST RECENTLY RETIRED.

IN FACT, TODAY IS MY
FIRST DAY OF RETIREMENT.

OH, WELL, CONGRATULATIONS.

WHAT DID YOU DO
IN THE OIL BUSINESS?

I, UH, WAS IN
THE OIL BUSINESS?

- MM-HM.
- MM-HM.

AND?

PRETTY SUCCESSFUL.

AH, I SEE.

AND I WAS REAL GOOD AT IT.

I WAS OVER 30 YEARS
IN THE OIL BUSINESS,

IN THE MARKETING END OF THINGS.

I SEE.

BECAME VERY, VERY GOOD AT IT.

WELL, UH, I HEARD A RUMOR
THAT YOU WERE PLANNING A TRIP

SO I GUESS BEING RETIRED
MAKES THAT EASIER, HUH?

UM, YES. IT DOES.

I'VE BEEN CONTEMPLATING A TRIP
TO THE ISLANDS IN MY BOAT.

SOME PEOPLE CALL IT MY YACHT.

OH, REALLY?

ARE YOU TAKING FRIENDS
OR A CREW ALONG?

NO, I'M NOT TAKING A CREW.

I'M GOING TO SOLO IT THIS TIME.

HMM.

I LIKE CHALLENGES.

WOW. SOUNDS LIKE
A REAL CHALLENGE TO ME.

WHAT DO YOU DO

IF YOU GET INTO TROUBLE
OR YOU GO OVERBOARD

OR SOMETHING AND YOU'RE
ALL BY YOURSELF?

[DEEP SIGH]
WELL, THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION.

[GRUMBLES] OH, SHIT.
'SCUSE MY LANGUAGE.

UH, WOULD YOU EXCUSE ME?

SURE.

QUICK ANSWER IS I CAN'T SWIM

SO I DON'T KNOW
WHAT THE HELL I'LL DO.

OH, WOW.

MAN, YOU'RE LOOKING GOOD.

LOOK AT THAT.
YOU GOT A TIE ON AND EVERYTHING.

GOD DAMMIT, BOB.

CAN'T YOU SEE I'M RIGHT IN
THE MIDDLE OF SOMETHING?

WELL, I DIDN'T KNOW.

WHAT THE HELL
IS GOING ON HERE?

WE'RE GONNA HAVE WORDS BUT
WE'RE GONNA HAVE WORDS LATER.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?

WHAT ARE YOU MAD
ABOUT THE TRUCK NOW?

I TRIED TO GET IN
TOUCH WITH YOU.

COME HERE, I GOT SOME
GOOD NEWS FOR YOU. COME ON.

I GOT TO TELL YOU THIS.
THIS IS EXCITING.

COME HERE.

SON OF A BITCH.

MAN, I GOT MY BOOK PUBLISHED.

UNBELIEVABLE.

WELL, I KIND OF THOUGHT SO,
TOO, AT ONE TIME.

I NEVER THOUGHT YOU
WERE EVEN GOING TO THINK ABOUT

PUBLISHING SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

YEAH.
I'M REALLY EXCITED.

MUCH LESS ANYONE
WOULD PUBLISH IT.

CONGRATULATIONS!
THIS IS REALLY WONDERFUL.

WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THAT'S SUPERB.

I APPRECIATE THAT.

MMM.

SO WHERE'S THAT HAPPENING?
NEW YORK? CHICAGO?

UH NO, NO.

IT'S A SMALL PUBLISHING OUTFIT
IN EVERETT.

THEY SELL PUBLISHING.

IN EVERETT. OH!

THEY READ THE BOOK AND LIKED IT.

OH, IT'S A VERY GOOD MEMOIR.

I'LL BE ABLE TO GET IT INTO FIVE
OR SIX LOCAL BOOKSTORES EASY.

HMM, THAT'S NICE.

TWO OR THREE, AT LEAST.

NOW, I JUST NEED THAT CHECK
FOR $500 FOR DISTRIBUTION,

YOU KNOW, SHIPPING AND HANDLING.

YOU KNOW,
THAT SEEMS AWFUL HIGH.

I WAS, YOU KNOW,
I'M ALREADY IN WHAT?

TWENTY-FOUR HUNDRED BUCKS
FOR IT.

I THOUGHT THAT
PRETTY WELL DID IT

AS FAR AS PUBLISHING
AND EDITING AND --

WELL, THE $500 COVERS SOME OF
THE PHOTOSHOP WORK WE HAD TO DO.

THE IMAGE OF THE PLANE WAS
A LITTLE FUZZY --

YEAH.

AND WE HAD TO TAKE THE FUZZ OUT.

YEAH, I REMEMBER THAT.
YEAH.

WELL, UH, WHO DID
THE PHOTOSHOPPING?

I DID, BUT --

YOU DID!

DON'T WORRY.

ALL THE OUT OF POCKET EXPENSE
WILL BE COVERED EVENTUALLY

BY ROYALTIES IN
TWO, THREE YEARS.

FIVE YEARS TOPS.

THAT LONG, HUH?

WELL, I GUESS.

I GUESS I OUGHT TO
BE EXCITED, HUH?

WHY, IT IS VERY EXCITING!

I MEAN, DON'T DOWNPLAY THIS.

YOU'RE A PUBLISHED AUTHOR NOW.

GO OUT AND CELEBRATE.

WELL, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU! [LAUGHS]

HOW ABOUT THAT?

WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO,
HONEY?

THE SKY IS THE LIMIT.

OH, YOU CHOOSE.

ALRIGHT, WE'LL DO IT.

[LAUGHING]

[HAPPY JAZZY MUSIC]

[HAPPY JAZZY MUSIC]

WE HAD A GREAT TIME.
WE WERE REALLY CELEBRATING.

- AND THAT'S WHY
I DIDN'T GIVE IT --

- I TELL YOU WHAT.

I TRIED TO CALL YOU BUT YOU
DON'T HAVE A GODDAMN PHONE.

YOU UNDERSTAND, DON'T YOU,

THAT'S THE LAST TIME YOU'RE
GOING TO BE USING MY PICKUP.

YOU LEFT ME IN
AN IMPOSSIBLE SITUATION.

I WAS COUNTING ON
USING THAT TRUCK.

WELL. I'M NOT SORRY
YOU FEEL THAT WAY.

THAT'S A LITTLE HARSH.
COME ON.

LET'S LET HIM ENJOY
HIS SUCCESS.

ROSS!
THANKS FOR COMING!

MY PLEASURE.

GREAT TO SEE YOU!

SORRY WE DIDN'T GET
A CHANCE TO TALK.

YOU TAKE CARE.

GODDAMN WEATHER.
CLOUDING OVER. I HATE IT.

YEAH, I BETTER MAKE
A FEW ROUNDS HERE.

OH, SURE.

CATCH UP WITH
YOU IN A MINUTE.

TAKING OFF?

YEP, IT'S A PLEASURE NOW.

GOOD TO SEE YOU, MY FRIEND.

HEY, BRITT!

GIVE ME A RIDE HOME, WILL YOU?

ASSHOLE.

[LAUGHING]

IT'S A LONG WAY.

MAYBE HE'S JUST,
HE DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE.

MAYBE HE'S CONCERNED
THE BOAT WILL GO DOWN

AND EVERYBODY WILL
FORGET ABOUT HIM.

MAYBE HE DOESN'T HAVE ANY
SELF-CONFIDENCE ABOUT MAKING IT.

WELL, HOW LONG HAS HE BEEN
SAILING, FOR PETE'S SAKE?

WELL, WHAT'D HE SAY TO YOU?
WHEN YOU ASKED HIM?

WELL, HE DIDN'T SAY A WHOLE LOT.

DID HE SAY ANYTHING?

WE SAID WE DIDN'T UNDERSTAND
AND HE KEPT GOING ON AND ON,

BABBLING ABOUT HE'S HAVING
SECOND THOUGHTS.

SECOND THOUGHTS.

FINALLY, HE SAID,
"I'M NOT GOING."

HE'S NOT GOING.

SO THAT WAS FINAL,
YOU KNOW, AND, AND --

SHE NEVER SAID ANYTHING
REALLY ABOUT YOU.

SHE JUST SAID, DID I KNOW
HOW TO GET IN TOUCH WITH YOU

AND DID I THINK YOU GUYS

WOULD BE INTERESTED
IN GETTING TOGETHER?

AND I SAID, "YEAH!"

I THOUGHT YOU WOULD BE.

SO IT'S SET UP.

I GOT YOU GETTING TOGETHER
FOR DRINKS TOMORROW NIGHT.

OH, NO.

YEAH. HEY, I TOLD HER
YOU DIDN'T HAVE A PHONE

BUT I'D BE HAPPY
TO TAKE YOU A MESSAGE.

I WISH YOU HADN'T DONE THAT.

YOU KNOW, I REALLY
DON'T WANT TO SEE HER.

WE HAD A GOOD TIME
AT THE PARTY BUT UH, YOU KNOW,

I REALLY TOLD HER
SOME THINGS THAT PROBABLY --

STRETCHED THE TRUTH A LITTLE?

WELL, WHEN SHE REALLY FINDS OUT

ABOUT WHO I AM
AND STUFF LIKE THAT.

THAT THING'LL GO LIKE THAT.

DOESN'T MATTER.
IT WAS A PARTY.

IT WAS JUST SMALL TALK.

BESIDES, YOU GOT OVERNIGHT
TO GET USED TO THE IDEA.

I SET YOU GUYS UP FOR DRINKS.

- NO.
- I GOT IT ALL SET UP.

- NO!
- YUP.

- NO, IT, NOT GONNA --
- SURE IT IS.

IT'S NOT GONNA WORK.

JUST THINK
ABOUT IT OVERNIGHT.

[MOTOR CHUGGING]

YOU KNOW, DAVE, I BROUGHT
MY MANUSCRIPT ALONG AND I --

OH, REALLY?

-- THE OTHER DAY YOU WANTED
TO READ IT AND I SAID, "NO",

BUT I'VE CHANGED MY MIND.

OH, NO KIDDING.

AND UH, YEAH.

I WAS WONDERING WHAT YOU WERE
CARRYING AROUND IN THAT PURSE.

WELL, YOU KNOW,
I'VE BEEN, I'VE BEEN --

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S NOT A PURSE,
YOU BASTARD.

[LAUGHTER]

THIS IS MY SATCHEL.

WELL, IT'S SO CUTE.

YEAH.
SURE IT IS.

WELL NO, THAT'S GREAT.
I'M HAPPY TO DO IT. SERIOUSLY.

YEAH, I'M NOT JOKING NOW,
THIS IS SERIOUS STUFF BECAUSE --

NO, I UNDERSTAND.

YOU KNOW, THIS IS MY LIFE IN
HERE.

AND SO I'D REALLY APPRECIATE IT
IF YOU'D TAKE A LOOK AT IT.

SURE.

I WANT YOU TO BE CRITICAL.

OKAY.

I WANT YOU TO
REALLY UH, YOU KNOW,

GIVE IT YOUR ALL IF YOU WOULD

AND BE VERY HONEST
ABOUT WHAT YOU THINK OF IT.

"SKIRTING THE EDGE."

I LIKE THAT TITLE.

STORY OF MY LIFE.

I'LL BE HAPPY TO READ IT.

THANK YOU.

[MUSIC]

I TOOK FLORENCE
COYOTE HUNTING EVERY DAY

BECAUSE THAT ACTIVITY
INVOLVED WALKING MANY MILES

ACROSS THE KANSAS PRAIRIE

AND I WAS HOPING TO WEAR
HER OUT TO AN EARLY BED

SO THAT I COULD JOIN
MY OTHER GIRLFRIEND, FRANCES.

THE TORRID AFFAIR
I HAD WITH FRANCES

WAS ALSO DOOMED TO FAILURE.

SOMEHOW, I KNEW THAT ONE BUILT
ON SEX ALONE COULD NOT LAST.

DESPITE HER DEVOTION,

I ALSO INTUITIVELY KNEW
IF I DIDN'T LEAVE HER SOON,

WE WOULD MARRY
AND THAT WOULD BE

THE LIFETIME DISASTER
FOR BOTH OF US.

MOST OF MY SEXUAL EXPERIENCES
ARE A BLUR.

THEY ARE COMPLETELY FUZZY.

AFTER I KNOCKED UP HELEN,

I BEGAN TO LOSE COUNT
OF MY PARTNERS.

TODAY, I ESTIMATE SLEEPING
WITH AT LEAST 50 OR 60 WOMEN

OVER MY LIFETIME.

I'M NOT PROUD OF THAT.

[CRAZY GUITAR]

FOR A WHILE THERE, MY BUDDIES
AND I MADE A GAME OF IT

SEEING WHO COULD RACK UP
A LARGER COUNT...

A LARGER COUNT.

UNLIKE SOME OF THEM,

I NEVER DID FORCE MYSELF
ON ANYONE

BUT THAT'S LITTLE CAUSE
TO CELEBRATE.

OUR PASSION ENSLAVED US
AND WOULD ULTIMATELY LEAD ME

TO A MORE DEVIANT BEHAVIOR
LATER ON.

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

ONCE SHE FOUND OUT

THAT I WASN'T REALLY
WHAT SHE THOUGHT I WAS,

THAT I'M NOT --

YOU KNOW, YOU LIED TO HER. --

A RETIRED ROMANTICALLY-INCLINED
SAILOR OR --

I EVEN TOLD HER I WAS IN
THE OIL BUSINESS FOR GOD'S SAKE.

I KNOW!
AND THAT WAS A LIE.

YOU SEE, BRITT,
YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

FIND SOMEBODY YOU
DON'T HAVE TO LIE TO,

SOMEBODY YOU'RE COMPATIBLE
WITH AND YOU'LL JUST BE FINE.

TAKE IT FROM ME.

I'VE BEEN AROUND
THE POND, YOU KNOW.

I TELL YOU, A WOMAN
COULDN'T EVEN CONTACT YOU

IF SHE WANTED TO.

YOU DON'T HAVE A CELL PHONE,
YOU DON'T HAVE A RADIO,

YOU DON'T HAVE A COMPUTER.

I DON'T NEED ANY OF
THAT ELECTRONIC GADGETRY.

THAT'S HOW I MET CAROLYN,
WAS ON THE COMPUTER.

[GRUNTS]

GET MY GROCERIES HERE.

I'M GOING TO TELL YOU
ONE MORE TIME.

I WANT YOU TO GET A PHONE,
I WANT YOU TO GET A COMPUTER,

AND I WANT YOU TO GROW UP.

YOU CAN DO IT.

YOU'RE SERIOUS.

I DON'T NEED ANY
OF THAT STUFF, BOB.

HEY, I'M NOT GOING
TO TELL YOU AGAIN.

THINK THAT GODDAMN BRITT WOULD
HELP ME WITH THE GROCERIES.

[JAZZY MUSIC]

[JAZZY MUSIC]

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

THIS IS DAVE.

SEE THIS WHERE IT SAYS
WIRELESS NETWORKS DETECTED?

YEAH.

- OKAY.
- WELL --

SO IT'S BUILT INTO
THE COMPUTER, RIGHT?

WELL, SORT OF.

I MEAN, THE INTERNET
IS NOT LIKE RADIO.

I THOUGHT THE INTERNET
WAS BUILT INTO THE COMPUTER.

WELL, NOT QUITE.
ACCESS TO IT IS BUILT IN.

AND SO, I MEAN YOU,
YOU HAVE TO GET TO IT.

IT'S OUT THERE.

IT'S OUT THERE BUT YOU
HAVE TO GET TO IT

EITHER BY A CABLE CONNECTION
OR AN ANTENNA OF SOME SORT.

YOU MEAN, IT'S OUT THERE
KIND OF LIKE GOD'S OUT THERE?

WELL, KIND OF LIKE
RADIO'S OUT THERE.

OH, RADIO.

- AND TV IS OUT THERE.
- OKAY.

YOU KNOW? SO IT'S SOMEWHAT
SIMILAR TO THAT.

BOB WAS SAYING
IF I GOT ON THE INTERNET

I COULD FIND PLACES
TO DATE WOMEN.

ADDRESSES.
TELEPHONE NUMBERS.

HE'S RIGHT.
THERE ARE THOSE KIND OF PLACES.

I DON'T REALLY KNOW
THAT MUCH ABOUT THEM.

BOB'S PROBABLY A BETTER GUY
FOR YOU TO ASK.

UM, YOU KNOW, IF YOU WANT TO BUY
SOMETHING ON AN AUCTION WEBSITE,

I'M YOUR MAN.

I KNOW HOW TO DO THAT.

CAN'T YOU PUT ME ON
THE INTERNET, THOUGH?

I CAN GET YOU ONTO THE NET

AND CONNECT IT UP WITH E-MAIL
AND SO FORTH. YEAH.

GOOD. DO IT.

[MUSIC ENDS ABRUPTLY]

I GOT ONTO THAT SITE, WEBSITE
AND I PUT IN A PROFILE AND--

WHAT'S A, WHAT'S A PROFILE?

I GOT, HUH?

WHAT'S A PROFILE?

WELL, IT'S, YOU JUST TELL WHO
YOU ARE ABOUT, YOU KNOW,

TELL OR GIVE SOME
OF YOUR BACKGROUND

OR SAY YOU'RE A SAILOR,

YOU'RE A RETIRED.
YOU'RE A FISHERMAN.

YOU LIKE TO DO AND THINGS
THAT YOU LIKE TO DO.

AND YOU NEED LOTS OF PICTURES.

YOU NEED PICTURES
OF YOU ON THE BOAT.

NOT JUST YOU BUT, YOU KNOW,

YOUR FRIENDS AND
ON PICNICS AND --

DO YOU THINK I'M NARCISSTIC
OR SOMETHING?

THAT I GOTTA HAVE
ALL THESE PICTURES?

I DIDN'T HEAR IT.

WHAT?

DO YOU THINK I'M NARCISSTIC

THAT I GOTTA HAVE
ALL THESE PICTURES?

FORGET IT. FORGET IT.

WELL, YEAH, I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

OKAY. ALRIGHT.

I'M SORRY, I'M NOT HEARING
VERY REAL TONIGHT.

UM, ANYWAY, UM,
DO YOU HAVE A CAMERA?

NO, I DON'T HAVE A CAMERA.
WHY DO I NEED A CAMERA?

WELL, HELL, YOU CAN...

WELL, YOU SHOULD GET ONE
BUT YOU CAN USE MINE.

BETTER YET,
I'LL TAKE THE PICTURES.

[SIGHING]

REMEMBER, YOU HAVE TO DO
LAUNDRY IN THE MORNING.

YEP, I REMEMBER.
I KNOW.

WHAT?

THIS, THIS JUST WASN'T MY
IDEA OF RETIREMENT, DAVID.

YOU KNOW?

YOU STAYING OUT LATE
AT SOME SEEDY MEN'S CLUB

AND I SIT HERE ALONE.

WHAT EVER HAPPENED
TO PALM SPRINGS?

I THOUGHT WE WERE PLANNING ON
BUYING SOMETHING DOWN THERE.

WELL, YOU KIND OF PLANNED THAT.

YOU AGREED TO IT
JUST A FEW MONTHS AGO.

YOU SOUNDED ENTHUSIASTIC

LIKE THAT'S WHAT YOU
REALLY WANTED TO DO, TOO.

I JUST DON'T KNOW ABOUT IT NOW.

I'M HAVING A LITTLE TROUBLE
WITH ALL OF THIS.

I'VE ONLY BEEN RETIRED
FOR TWO MONTHS.

WELL, THAT'S FINE

EXCEPT THAT THE TIME TO BUY DOWN
AT PALM SPRINGS IS RIGHT NOW.

YOU KNOW THAT.

PRICES HAVE NEVER BEEN LOWER
BECAUSE OF THE ECONOMY.

WE HAVEN'T EVEN BEEN
DOWN THERE LOOKING.

YOU REALLY NEED TO BOOK
THOSE PLANE TICKETS FOR US

AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

LIKE TOMORROW.

WHY DON'T YOU BOOK 'EM?

LEARN TO USE THE DAMN COMPUTER.

I DON'T KNOW HOW IT WORKS.

DAVID, BOOK THE TICKETS
TOMORROW.

I CAN'T.

I HAVE PLANS TOMORROW

AND WE'VE GOT THAT DINNER THING
TOMORROW NIGHT.

PLANS?
PLANS FOR WHAT?

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

A GOOD-LOOKING PROFILE
IS ABSOLUTELY CRITICAL.

IT'S ABSOLUTELY CRITICAL

THAT THIS PROFILE STANDS OUT
FROM ALL THE OTHERS.

SEE, THERE'S ALL KINDS
OF STUFF OUT THERE.

MM-HM.

AND YOU NEED TO STAND OUT
AS AN INDIVIDUAL

OR SOMEONE THAT COULD REALLY BE.
THE GALS WOULD BE ATTRACTED TO.

YOU KNOW, A LOT OF GUYS WILL
JUST JUMP RIGHT IN AND START

EH, YOU KNOW, THEY CALL
20 OR 30 GALS ALL AT ONCE

AND MAN,
THAT DOESN'T WORK AT ALL.

I CAN'T CONTACT THEM
UNTIL THEY CONTACT ME, RIGHT?

WELL, THAT'S THE POINT.
THAT'S THE POINT.

YOU WAIT FOR THEM TO CONTACT YOU

AND THEN YOU DON'T JUST JUMP ON
THE FIRST ONE THAT COMES ALONG.

JUMP ON THE FIRST ONE?

WELL, DON'T JUMP
OUT OF YOUR PANTS.

THAT'S JUST AN EXPRESSION.
[LAUGHING]

JUST WAIT.

YOU'LL GET A LOT OF HITS
AND PROBABLY,

I THINK YOU'VE GOT
A GOOD PROFILE.

AND THAT PROFILE,
AGAIN IS REALLY CRITICAL.

I THINK IT'S GOING
TO WORK FOR YOU.

WHAT'S A HIT?
WHAT'S THAT MEAN?

WELL, THAT MEANS THAT THEY'RE
RESPONDING TO YOUR PROFILE.

SOMEBODY'S LOOKING AT IT.

OH, OKAY.
I GOT IT.

WHAT YOU WANT TO DO
IS CHECK YOUR E-MAILS EVERY DAY.

AND LIKE I SAY, DON'T RESPOND
TO THE FIRST ONE.

YOU'LL GET A WHOLE BUNCH
AND THEY'LL EVEN SEND PICTURES.

AND THEN YOU CAN PICK AND CHOOSE
AND PICK THE ONE YOU THINK --

OH, GOOD ENOUGH AND THEN YOU
HAVE SOMETHING TO SELECT FROM.

YEAH, LIKE FIVE OR SIX
OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

WELL, I MEAN, THIS WHOLE,
THIS WHOLE THING,

THIS INTERNET DATING STUFF,

I MEAN, IT, IT'S WAY,
WAY BEYOND WHAT IT, YOU KNOW,

IT NEVER EXISTED
WHEN I WAS STARTING TO DATE

BUT I'VE GOT FRIENDS
WHO JUST SWEAR BY IT

AS A WAY TO MEET PEOPLE
AND MEET NEW FRIENDS AND --

WELL, THAT'S THE WAY
I MET CAROLYN.

IS IT?

YEAH, YEAH.
I MET HER ON THE INTERNET.

YOU DID.

WELL, IT USED TO BE
YOU USED TO BE

THAT YOU'D GO TO CHURCH
TO MEET NICE WOMEN.

WELL, YEAH, IT USED TO --

THAT'S BECAUSE LIFE WAS A WHOLE
LOT MORE SOCIAL BACK THEN.

THAT'S RIGHT.

I MEAN NOW IT'S, NOW IT'S NOT
NEARLY SOCIAL AS IT USED TO BE.

WELL, THAT HOW I,

THAT'S PROBABLY WHY
I NEVER MET ANY WOMEN,

YOU KNOW, BECAUSE I NEVER
WENT TO CHURCH.

WHEN I WAS IN THE SERVICE

THAT'S THE FIRST PLACE I WENT
WAS CHURCH ON WEEKENDS.

BEST PLACE IN THE WORLD.

THAT'S BECAUSE YOU WERE FEARFUL
OF GOD OR BECAUSE --

NO, BECAUSE THAT'S THE
BEST PLACE TO MEET WOMEN!

OH, OKAY.

[LAUGHING]

GOD HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.
BELIEVE ME.

[LAUGHING]

THE DOW IS OFF 400 POINTS
AND THEN BY THE END OF THE DAY,

YOU KNOW,
THEY RECOVER MOST OF IT,

THEY'RE OFF BY 128 POINTS.

YUP.

SO IT'S LIKE THEY'RE GLAD
THAT IT WAS ONLY 120 POINTS OFF.

THIS IS DANGER.

YEAH.

THIS IS DANGER AND IT'S GOING
TO BE LIKE THIS FOR DECADES.

IT'S PRETTY SCREWED UP.
I AGREE.

IS THIS THE FIRST DIVORCE
IN YOUR FAMILY?

BESIDES MINE?

I SOUND LIKE A
CLINICAL COUNSELOR, DON'T I?

SORRY.

I APPRECIATE IT.
I APPRECIATE YOUR CONCERN.

I WAS JUST CURIOUS.

YEAH.
WELL, ACTUALLY, NO.

OUR SON, HE'S LOST
A LOT OF MONEY

AND HE ALSO WENT
THROUGH A DIVORCE.

AND WITH FALLING PRICES.
I MEAN THE WHOLE MARKET'S SHOT.

I MEAN, MOST PEOPLE HAVE
NEGATIVE EQUITY IN THEIR HOUSES.

WHAT INCENTIVE DO
THEY HAVE TO PAY IT OFF?

AND, ALSO,
GUYS LIKE YOU AND ME ARE,

PORTFOLIO'S ABOUT 40%
OR WHATEVER.

SHE'S REALLY WANTING
TO OPEN UP HER CREATIVITY

AND SHE'S GOT THAT URGE TO GO
BACK TO SCHOOL AND, YOU KNOW,

HAVING THOSE MANY CHILDREN
IN THAT SHORT A TIME.

MY SON LOST 78% OF
THE VALUE OF HIS 401K.

WOW.

[SNAP!] JUST LIKE THAT.

WOW.

MAN, IS HE PISSED.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

AND CAN YOU BLAME HIM?

NO. 'COURSE NOT.
IT'S THE WORST.

SORRY.
[CELL PHONE RINGING]

SURE.

HAVE YOU HAD A CHANCE
TO TALK TO THE KIDS?

NOT REALLY.

THE REASON YOU'RE LOSING
THE WI-FI SIGNAL

IS BECAUSE IT'S NOT YOURS.

IT'S NOT ONE YOU PAID FOR.

PROBABLY IS BEING PIGGY-BACKED
FROM THE RESTAURANT.

BUT IT'S OKAY.
I CAN CHECK YOUR E-MAIL FOR YOU.

HANG ON JUST A SECOND HERE.

DAVID?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

UM, I'M JUST CHECKING
SOME MARKET STUFF FOR DOUG.

WE WERE TALKING ABOUT IT
DOWNSTAIRS A LITTLE BIT.

WELL, WHO WAS
THAT ON THE PHONE?

THAT WAS JUST A COLD CALL.

UM, IT'S GONE.
GOT ME AWAY FROM THE TABLE.

STOP GOOFING AROUND.
WE'VE GOT GUESTS DOWNSTAIRS.

HEY, BRITT.
SORRY ABOUT THAT.

HAD A LITTLE INTERRUPTION HERE.
NO, NO, EVERYTHING'S FINE.

WE'RE GOOD.
YUP.

SO, ANYWAY, YOU'VE GOT
LIKE SIX RESPONSES HERE.

UM, LET ME PRINT
THEM OFF FOR YOU

AND I'LL BRING THEM
OVER TOMORROW.

THEN WE CAN WORK ON THAT
WI-FI THING FOR YOU AS WELL.

OKAY... ALRIGHT... FINE...
TALK TO YOU LATER. BYE.

[MUSIC]

[SEAGULLS SCREECHING]

WOW. THEY DON'T LOOK TOO BAD.

NO.
THEY DON'T.

I PRINTED OUT THE BEST
LOOKING ONES AND BROUGHT THOSE.

YOU KNOW, WITH WOMEN,
THEY'RE ALL GOOD.

IT'S JUST SOME ARE
BETTER THAN OTHERS.

WELL, THAT'S TRUE.

[LAUGHING]

WELL, SO WHAT DO WE DO
NEXT HERE NOW?

WELL, YOU --
SINCE THEY'VE CONTACTED YOU,

IT'S OKAY TO GO AHEAD
AND CALL THEM

AND JUST PICK ONE
YOU THINK YOU MIGHT LIKE

AND THEIR NUMBER'S DOWN THERE.

WELL, WHAT DO I SAY?
I MEAN, WHAT? TO ME IT'S LIKE --

WELL, IF YOU WERE CALLING
SOMEBODY WHO SENT YOU A NOTE

AND YOU WERE CALLING THEM,
SAYING, WHAT WOULD YOU SAY?

I MEAN WHAT DO YOU SAY
WHEN YOU CALL ME BACK?

WELL, I MEAN THAT'S
WHAT I'M ASKING.

I DON'T KNOW!
WHAT WOULD I SAY?

[PHONE RINGING]

IS IT RINGING?

YEAH, IT'S RINGING.

[PHONE CONTINUES TO RING]
THERE'S NO ANSWER.

MIGHT GO TO VOICEMAIL.

HANG ON.
MIGHT GO TO VOICEMAIL.

WHAT'S VOICEMAIL?

IT'S LIKE TAKING A MESSAGE.

[PHONE RECORDER]
WE'RE SORRY.

THE NUMBER YOU HAVE
REACHED IS NOT IN SERVICE.

HI, UH --

PLEASE CHECK THE NUMBER
AND TRY YOUR CALL AGAIN.

I GOTTA LEAVE A MESSAGE.

THIS IS BRITT.

THAT'S THE IDEA.

UH, BRITT CROSLEY.

UH, UH, I MET YOU
ON THE INTERNET.

UH, WE SHOULD GET TOGETHER.

OH, JESUS.

I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU
MY TELEPHONE NUMBER.

CALL ME BACK
AS SOON AS YOU CAN.

THIS IS PATHETIC.

WHAT IS MY NUMBER?

- 555 --
- 555 --

DON'T WORRY. SHE'S NOT GOING
TO CALL BACK, FORGET IT.

HANG UP.

-- 5021.

LEAVE THE REST OF THE NUMBER.

WHAT THE HELL
DID I DO WRONG NOW?

NOW JUST BE --
YOU GOTTA BE SMOOTH, BRITT.

- AND BE UH, YOU KNOW,
- SMOOTH?

YOU STUTTERED, YOU WENT ON
AND ON ABOUT, BEH-BEH-BEH-BEH.

NO! BE SMOOTH.

JUST TELL HER THAT
YOU WANT TO MEET HER.

THAT YOU'RE A GENTLEMAN.

THAT YOU'RE --
LET IT COME FROM YOUR HEART.

[PHONE RINGING]

YOU DON'T HAVE TO HOLD IT UP.
IT'S ON SPEAKER.

IF YOU DON'T MIND,
I WANT TO HOLD IT UP HERE.

DO IT YOUR WAY.

HELLO?

HELLO!

HELLO, YES, THIS IS
UH, UH, MY NAME IS BRITT.

WHO?

UH, BRITT.
UH, THIS IS BRITT.

OH, THE SAILOR
FROM SENIOR CONNECTION.

HI!
OH, I LOVED YOUR PHOTOS.

THANKS FOR CALLING.

WELL, AND THANK YOU
FOR PICKING UP THE PHONE.

I LOVED YOUR PICTURES --

YOU'RE DOING GOOD.

I, I LOVED YOUR PICTURE, TOO.

JUST BE SMOOTH.

EXCUSE ME A MOMENT,
WOULD YOU, PLEASE?

I'M HERE WITH A
COUPLE OF OTHER GUYS

AND THEY'RE REALLY INTRUDING
ON MY CONVERSATION,

SO -- I LOST MY
TRAIN OF THOUGHT, HERE.

I'M SORRY ABOUT THIS CALL.

HE'S DOING OKAY.

WE GOT A MINUTE HERE
I'VE BEEN MEANING TO ASK YOU,

YOU KNOW, I GAVE YOU
THE BOOK TO READ

AND I HAVEN'T HAD ANY FEEDBACK.

OH.

UM.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?

WELL, IT'S 600 PAGES.

IT'S TAKING ME A LITTLE BIT
OF A WHILE TO CHEW THROUGH IT.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW,
IT'S GOOD AND --

I KNOW IT'S TOO LONG BUT,
YOU KNOW,

MY EDITOR SAYS
IT'S EVEN MARKETABLE.

UH, DO YOU THINK I'M AN ASSHOLE
NOW AFTER READING THAT?

NO. NO, NO. GOD NO.

I JUST THINK THAT YOU GET
A LITTLE BIT CAUGHT UP

IN THE DARK PARTS OF YOUR LIFE,

YOU KNOW, AND THERE'S
SOME REALLY EXCITING THINGS

AND THRILLING STUFF.

I, YOU KNOW, IT'S A --

YEAH, YEAH, BUT YOU KNOW,
YOU AND I JUST MET.

HOW ABOUT THE GUYS
THAT KNOW ME?

OH, YEAH, THAT'S TRUE.

THEY MAY NOT FEEL THE SAME.

THAT'S, YEAH,
I SUPPOSE YOU'RE RIGHT.

THEY MIGHT THINK
YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE.

YEAH.

OH, SO?
HOW'D IT GO?

[JAZZY MUSIC]

JUST TRYING TO HELP
A GUY OUT, OKAY?

HIS SHOWER'S BROKEN.
HE'S GOT A DATE TONIGHT.

I'M GOING TO HAVE TO SANITIZE
THAT ENTIRE BATHROOM.

HE LOOKS LIKE
HE JUST CRAWLED OUT

FROM UNDER A HOLE
IN THE STREET.

OH, JESUS. WE GOT FOUR GODDAMN
BATHROOMS IN THIS HOUSE.

WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?

DAVID.

SORRY.

UH, WHERE'D YOU
PICK UP THAT JACKET?

I FOUND IT AT A GARAGE SALE.
IT'S VERY COMFORTABLE.

IT IS REALLY UGLY.

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

CONDOM DELIVERIES!

CONDOM DELIVERIES?

I DIDN'T ORDER ANY CONDOMS!
I ORDERED A PIZZA!

OH, LET ME GO GET YOU A PIZZA.

I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE
YOU GOT EVERYTHING YOU NEED

'CAUSE THAT DATE LAST TIME
DIDN'T GO VERY WELL.

I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU
SHARPEN IT UP THIS TIME.

THAT'S FOR DAMN SURE.

BUT YOU KNOW THAT NUDE ART
THEY HAD ON THE WALL OVER THERE,

I JUST HOPE THE OTHER PLACE
DOESN'T HAVE THE SAME THING.

ALRIGHT.
SEE YOU LATER!

AH, SHIT.

[PEOPLE TALKING, LAUGHING]

[PEOPLE TALKING, LAUGHING]

[MUSIC]

I RECOGNIZED YOU RIGHT AWAY.

YOU LOOK JUST LIKE YOUR PICTURE
ON THE INTERNET.

THIS IS SO REFRESHING.

SOMETIMES I MEET PEOPLE

AND THEY JUST LOOK TOTALLY
DIFFERENT THAN THEIR PHOTO.

HAVE YOU DONE THIS BEFORE?

WELL, SEVERAL TIMES.

OH, I JUST RECENTLY
GOT A COMPUTER.

REALLY?

I'VE HAD A COMPUTER
FOR OVER FIVE YEARS.

I USE IT ALL THE TIME.
I DO EVERYTHING ON IT.

I MEAN I SHOP, I DO MY QUILTING
AND MY GARDENING TIPS

AND I SEND PICTURES
TO MY GRANDCHILDREN.

IT'S JUST SO MUCH FUN.

YOU KNOW, I JUST RECENTLY
STARTED A PROJECT.

IT'S A FAMILY TREE PROJECT.

IT'S ON AN INTERNET WEBSITE
CALLED "GENIE."

HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF IT?
IT'S CALLED "GENIE."

UH, NO.

YOU PUT IN ALL YOUR RELATIVES
AND THEIR BIRTHDAYS

AND THEN WHAT HAPPENS IS,

THE COMPUTER AUTOMATICALLY
SENDS YOU A REMINDER

OF ALL THEIR BIRTHDAYS
AND ANNIVERSARIES

AND IT'S JUST WONDERFUL.

THE TREE, THE FAMILY TREE
JUST KEEPS GROWING AND GROWING.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

I REALLY THINK YOU
SHOULD GET STARTED ON THIS.

[RINGING CONTINUES]

UH. IF YOU DON'T MIND,
I'D LIKE TO BE EXCUSED.

SURE.

I HAVE TO GO TO THE HEAD.

OH, OKAY.

NO, WE JUST TALKED
FIVE MINUTES AGO

AND I SAID I WAS BUSY.

WELL, I TELL YOU WHY,

THINGS ARE JUST BLOWING
OUT OF PROPORTION.

SHE'S JUST GOING TO,
I DON'T KNOW.

IT'LL BE ALL OVER IN A MINUTE
IF I DON'T GET OVER THERE.

CALL DAVID.

I TRIED TO CALL DAVID.
COULDN'T REACH HIM.

OH, YOU HAVE AND
HE'S NOT AVAILABLE, HUH?

I THOUGHT YOU WERE USING HIM
ALL THE TIME NOW.

IT ISN'T THAT I DON'T
CARE ABOUT YOUR EVENING

BUT I, THIS IS SO IMPORTANT TO
ME THAT WE JUST HAVE TO DO IT.

YOU KNOW, IF YOU DON'T WANT
TO DO IT, TO HELL WITH YOU.

BUT, YOU KNOW, YOU'RE A FRIEND

AND I THOUGHT I COULD
DEPEND ON YOU.

NO, I'LL COME OVER
AND GIVE YOU A LIFT.

ALRIGHT. I'LL SEE YOU SHORTLY.
GOODBYE.

FUCK.

[TOILET FLUSHES]

OH, I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND.

I MEAN, YOUR FRIEND
HAD AN EMERGENCY.

IT'S JUST, I DON'T REALLY WANT

TO CALL IT AN EARLY EVENING
AND GO HOME.

I'M REALLY HAVING A GOOD TIME
AND I LOVE YOUR TRUCK.

ME, TOO.

YEAH, I THINK IT'S GREAT.
IT'S VERY RUSTIC.

WELL, YOU THINK THIS IS RUSTIC.
YOU OUGHT TO SEE MY BOAT.

[MUSIC]

OH, JESUS.

LOOK AT HIM FLOPPING AROUND
WAVING HIS ARMS.

HE THINKS I CAN'T SEE HIM.

I SEE YOU, BOB.

I'VE BEEN BY HERE
A THOUSAND TIMES,

PICKED HIM UP,
DROPPED HIM OFF.

WHEN WE PULL UP THERE I'M
NOT GOING TO EVEN SAY HI TO HIM.

I JUST,
I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO HIM.

HEY, HEY!
I GOTTA GET OVER TO CAROLYN.

SHE'S HAVING ONE
OF HER PANIC ATTACKS AND IT,

AND IT'S REALLY BAD THIS TIME
AND THAT DAMN SON OF HERS,

YOU KNOW HE'S A PRICK!

GET IN THE BACK OF
THE TRUCK AND SIT DOWN.

OH, I'M SORRY.
I DIDN'T INTRODUCE MYSELF.

I'M BOB.

HI, I'M CYNTHIA RIELY.
NICE TO MEET YOU!

WELL, IT'S MY PLEASURE, INDEED.
THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL NAME.

SHUT UP AND GET IN THE TRUCK.

YOU GOTTA BE CAREFUL WHAT HE
SAYS COMES OUT OF HIS MOUTH.

HE'S GOT A WAY WITH WOMEN
AND I JUST DON'T WANT --

HE'S CHARMING!

[MUSIC]

HEY, BRITT, THANKS A LOT
FOR THE RIDE.

I DON'T KNOW HOW
LONG THIS WILL TAKE

BUT, YOU KNOW,
I'LL CALL YOU. OKAY.

I HEAR YOU.
I HEAR YOU.

OH, GOOD LUCK, BOB.

AND IT WAS REALLY NICE
MEETING YOU.

OH, THAT'S KIND OF YOU.

WHY CAN'T YOU BE NICE
LIKE THIS YOUNG LADY?

CYNTHIA, YOU GOTTA WATCH HIM.
HE LOVES BEING MISERABLE.

OH, BOB, WAIT!
JUST A SECOND!

BEFORE YOU GO, BEFORE YOU GO,

CAN YOU TAKE A PICTURE PLEASE
OF BRITT AND I IN THE TRUCK

AND THEN I CAN SEND IT
TO MY GRANDKIDS.

SURE.
SURE, I'LL BE GLAD TO DO IT.

OH, THAT'D BE GREAT.
THANKS.

LET'S SEE.

YEAH, YOU JUST
PUSH THAT BUTTON.

OOH, YEAH, IT WORKED.

YEAH.

[BEEP-CLICK!]

OH, PERFECT.

HOPE THAT'S ALRIGHT.
I'M IN A HURRY.

- YOU BET.
- BYE-BYE.

- THANKS!
- BYE-BYE!
- BYE, BOB!

THANK YOU VERY MUCH
FOR TONIGHT.

I HAD A REALLY GOOD TIME.

YOU DID?

I DID.

WELL, I WAS WONDERING,
YOU KNOW,

I WAS KIND OF HOPING TO TALK
TO YOU A LITTLE BIT MORE

BUT BOB KIND OF THREW
A WRENCH IN THAT, I THOUGHT.

I JUST, I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT.

OH, DON'T APOLOGIZE.

HE'S A VERY NICE MAN
AND I ENJOYED MEETING HIM.

I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE MORE TIME
TO TALK WITH YOU.

UHHH.
UH, WELL.

MAYBE, MAYBE TOMORROW
WE CAN GET TOGETHER.

THAT'D BE GREAT.

I'D LOVE TO SEE YOUR HOUSE
OR IS THAT YOUR BOAT?

WELL, I, I HAVE A BOAT.

I LIVE ON THE BOAT.
IT'S NOT REALLY A HOUSE.

IT'S...YOU MIGHT SAY THAT'S
WHERE I, WHERE I RESIDE.

UH, I'LL BE HAPPY
TO SHOW YOU MY BOAT.

GEE, THAT'D BE WONDERFUL.

THANKS SO MUCH.
I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.

OKAY. OKAY.

GOODNIGHT.

BYE! BYE!

THIS IS SO EXCITING!

OH, BRITT, I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU LIVE HERE!

ABOUT 30 YEARS NOW.

THIS IS, THIS IS, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO CALL IT.

VINTAGE MAYBE?

POSSIBLY.

[ROMANTIC MUSIC]

[ROMANTIC MUSIC]

SMALLER THAN I THOUGHT.

WELL, IT'S A BOAT.

CAN I GET YOU A GLASS
OF WATER OR SOMETHING?

OH, NO.
NO, THANK YOU.

YOU REALLY LIVE HERE?

YES. YES.

FOR 30 YEARS?

WELL, OH YEAH.

IT'S PRETTY CLOSE
TO 30 YEARS, I THINK.

I DIDN'T KEEP EXACT TIME.

IT'S BEEN LONG ENOUGH I NEED TO,

I NEED TO SCRAPE THE BOTTOM
OF THIS BOAT.

SCRAPING?
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

OH, YEAH. IT'S UH, UH,

THE BOTTOM OF THE BOAT
IS COVERED WITH,

OVER A PERIOD OF TIME IT
ACCUMULATES THINGS LIKE UH,

CRUSTACEANS OF VARIOUS SORTS
UH, BARNACLES

AND SEA URCHINS
AND THINGS LIKE THAT.

AND YOU NEED TO
TAKE CARE OF THAT

ABOUT EVERY, OH,
SEVEN, TEN YEARS.

SEVEN YEARS I THINK
WOULD BE BEST.

IT'S BEEN OVER TEN YEARS
SINCE I'VE DONE IT.

SO, UH, I CAN SEE YOU
DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT IT IS.

IT'S KIND OF LIKE UH,
IF IT WERE A CAR,

IT'D BE CHANGING THE OIL EVERY,

YOU KNOW, EVERY,
EVERY 3,000 MILES.

WELL, WITH A BOAT,

YOU HAVE TO REMOVE
THESE SEA URCHINS

AND I HAVE TO GET DOWN THERE
WITH MY SCUBA GEAR

AND, AND UM, SCRAPE THE BOTTOM.

IT'S NOT VERY MUCH FUN.
SO ANYWAY...

YOU KNOW, I HAVEN'T BEEN
ON A BOAT IN A LONG TIME.

AND YOU SEEM LIKE
A REALLY NICE MAN.

I MEAN, A REAL GENTLEMAN.

BUT I THINK YOU REALLY
DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS.

REALLY?

WELL, THAT'S NICE
OF YOU TO SAY SO.

BRITT...

POOP OR GET OFF THE POT!

YOU MEAN, I SHOULD DO THAT.

SURE!

I KNOW. WELL, I THINK HE SHOULD
SHUT HIS GODDAMN MOUTH,

MOVE OUT AND GET A JOB
IS WHAT I THINK.

YEAH, BUT SHE'S HIS MOTHER.

I MEAN,
THERE'S A RELATIONSHIP THERE.

WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?

WE HAVE A RELATIONSHIP, TOO.

NO YOU DON'T.

YES, WE DO.

DON'T TELL ME
WHAT I DON'T HAVE.

WELL, YOU JUST...

DAMMIT! I HAVE A RELATIONSHIP!

I KNOW WHETHER I GOT
A RELATIONSHIP OR NOT.

YOU DON'T KNOW A DAMN
THING ABOUT IT, JESSE.

ALL I KNOW IS
WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.

WELL, YEAH, BUT
YOU'RE MISINTERPRETING.

CRYSTAL'S ALWAYS TRYING
TO PUT TOGETHER

SOME SORT OF COCKTAIL PARTY

OR GET TOGETHER SO I'LL TALK TO
HER ABOUT IT. WHO KNOWS?

GOOD.
YOU DO THAT.

I BET THAT WAS REALLY,

THAT WOULD PROBABLY
REALLY IMPRESSED CYNTHIA.

YOU THINK THAT'D DO
YOU SOME GOOD, HUH?

YEAH, I THINK IT WOULD.

ALRIGHT. ALRIGHT.

YEAH, I'LL TALK TO CRYSTAL

AND WE'LL SEE WHAT
WE CAN PUT TOGETHER.

ALRIGHT. HOW SOON DO YOU
THINK YOU COULD DO THAT?

I DON'T KNOW.

MY WIFE'S IN CHARGE OF
THE SOCIAL CALENDAR.

SO I'LL TALK TO HER
BUT I'LL LET YOU KNOW.

I MEAN, I SEE HER EVERY
FEW DAYS, ANYWAY, SO.

IN THE MEANTIME, TAKE HER --

BUY HER A HAMBURGER.
TAKE HER TO A MOVIE.

I'M NOT GOING TO SAY ANYTHING
TO CYNTHIA TILL YOU KNOW.

YEAH, EXACTLY.

I DON'T WANT TO
DISAPPOINT HER AND SAY,

"YEAH, WE'RE GOING OVER
TO DAVID'S PLACE"

AND END UP TELLING HER,

"NO, HIS WIFE DIDN'T WANT ME
TO COME OVER THEIR PLACE."

YOU KNOW,
I'M A LITTLE BIT PARANOID

ABOUT THOSE KIND OF THINGS.

WELL, IT'S TRUE.

UNCOMFORTABLE IN SOCIAL CIRCLES
AND STUFF LIKE THAT, SO.

I JUST DON'T KNOW.

YOU KNOW,
I TRY TO BE HONEST.

BUT THERE'S A FINE LINE
BETWEEN BEING HONEST AND,

AND, UH, CONFESSING AND
BRAGGING, FOR EXAMPLE.

I DON'T WANT TO BE A BRAGGART.
YOU KNOW.

TALK ABOUT THE WOMEN,
FOR GOD'S SAKES.

I, I JUST DON'T KNOW ABOUT
THIS STUFF.

I JUST DON'T KNOW.

YEAH. YEAH.
I APPRECIATE THAT.

YOU'VE DONE A LOT
OF THINGS, BOB.

I MEAN, YOU'RE...A SOLDIER,
PARATROOPER, BUSH PILOT,

YOU KNOW, ALL THOSE
VARIOUS THINGS

AND UH, IN SOME WAYS A CRIMINAL,
EVEN A KILLER.

I DON'T KNOW.

IT'S, WITHIN THE
CONTEXT OF THE BOOK

IT ALL KIND OF TRACKS TO ME.

WELL, YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T
WRITE THIS TO UH, REDEMPTION.

I'M JUST TRYING TO BE HONEST

AND TELL PEOPLE WHO I AM
AND WHAT I'VE DONE

AND MY, MY EDITOR SAID THAT'S
WHERE THE VALUE IN THE STORY IS,

IS IN THE HONESTY

AND THAT GIVES A STORY
INTEGRITY AND WHATNOT.

SO, I JUST DON'T KNOW.

YOU KNOW, I JUST DON'T KNOW
WHERE TO DRAW THE LINE.

I, I, BOY, I JUST DON'T KNOW.

WELL, AT LEAST YOU'VE
GOT A STORY TO TELL.

I MEAN, THERE ARE LOTS
OF PEOPLE WHO DON'T.

DELICATE AROMAS AND FLAVORS
OF PEACH, PINEAPPLE, JASMINE,

AND GINGER DELIVER
A SLIGHTLY SPICY WINE.

ENHANCED BY A
SUBTLE FLORAL TONES

AND APPEALING TOUCH
OF EARTHINESS.

THE FINISH IS LONG WITH LICORICE
SPICE AND A TOUCH OF PEPPER.

YOU KNOW, I THINK DAVID
WOULD REALLY APPRECIATE THIS.

AND IT'S ONLY $5.99.

I THINK YOUR FRIEND
WOULD LOVE IT.

LET ME GET IT.

REALLY?

SURE!

CHRIS, I'D LIKE TO HAVE YOU
MEET CYNTHIA.

CYNTHIA'S A FRIEND OF BRITT'S.

HOW DO YOU DO?

SORRY, I WAS UPSTAIRS
GETTING READY.

YOU'VE MET BRITT BEFORE.

HMM, YES I HAVE.

SO WHAT A DAY, HUH?

IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

HARDLY GET THEM AROUND HERE.

SO, CYNTHIA, I UNDERSTAND
YOU MET BRITT ON THE COMPUTER?

OH YES, ON THIS
WONDERFUL WEBSITE

MMM. WELL, SO, HOW LONG
HAVE YOU AND BRITT BEEN DATING?

WELL, I THINK IT'S ABOUT
TWO WEEKS NOW?

BUT YOU KNOW,
WE TALK TO EACH OTHER

ALMOST EVERY DAY ON THE PHONE.

MMM.
I'M SORRY.

EXCUSE ME FOR BEING RUDE.
YOUR HOME IS JUST BEAUTIFUL.

OH, THANK YOU.

I'M NOT SURE
DAVID EVEN NOTICES.

BUT I REALLY TRY.

HOWEVER, WE'RE REALLY
ONLY HERE FOR SIX MONTHS.

THEN WE SPEND
THE OTHER SIX MONTHS

IN PALM SPRINGS AT A CONDO.

OH, HOW FABULOUS.

WELL, WE DO GO DOWN THERE

AND VISIT FRIENDS
AND STAY WITH FRIENDS.

WE'RE, WE'RE...
WE'RE LOOKING INTO BUYING

OUR OWN PLACE DOWN THERE.

KIND OF THINKING THROUGH
THAT WHOLE SITUATION.

ACTUALLY, THAT'S NOT
QUITE ACCURATE.

IT'S ALREADY BEEN DECIDED.

WE'D BE DOWN THERE NOW
IF IT WEREN'T FOR THE FACT

THAT DAVID HAS DECIDED
TO CHAUFFEUR AROUND

THIS LITTLE OLD MAN THAT HE MET

AND FELT SORRY FOR, YOU KNOW,
IN HIS GYM CLASS.

DAVID IS THE KIND OF PERSON

THAT LETS PEOPLE
TAKE ADVANTAGE OF HIM.

YOU KNOW, THIS GUY HASN'T
EVEN PAID FOR HIS GAS.

IT'S A GOOD THING WE HAVE MONEY.

EXCEPT WHEN IT COMES
TO BOOKING AIRLINE TICKETS.

THEN DAVID LIKES TO GET UP --
YOU KNOW,

THEY ALWAYS SAY THE
WEE HOURS ARE THE BEST

FOR BOOKING ANYTHING --

AND HE GETS ON
HIS LITTLE COMPUTER

AND HE'S JUST GOTTA
GO TO ALL THESE PLACES

AND FIND THE ABSOLUTE,
ROCK BOTTOM, CHEAPEST FARE.

AND HE FOUND IT ON
SOUTHWEST AIRLINES.

BUT OF COURSE,
THEY DON'T LEAVE FOR TWO WEEKS.

SO, WE'RE STUCK
HERE FOR A WHILE.

SO, PALM SPRINGS.
WHAT DO YOU DO DOWN THERE?

OH, WELL, DAVID
PLAYS A LOT OF GOLF.

AND WE HAVE QUITE A FEW FRIENDS
THAT WE GO TO COCKTAIL HOUR WITH

DOWN AT THE COMMUNITY CENTER.

THERE'S A WONDERFUL VINTAGE
MOVIE THEATER NEARBY.

SO WE SEE LOTS OF MOVIES
AND WE TAKE LOTS OF WALKS.

IT'S REALLY, REALLY LOVELY.

AND WE READ MAGAZINES.

OH! AND THIS YEAR
WE'RE GOING TO TAKE

A CRUISE DOWN
THE BAJA PENINSULA.

YEAH, WE DID THAT LAST YEAR
AND IT WAS A LOT MORE FUN

THAN I THOUGHT IT WAS
GOING TO BE

SO WE DECIDED TO DO
IT AGAIN, RIGHT?

YEAH!

IF YOU EVER GET THE CHANCE,

YOU REALLY HAVE TO TAKE
THAT CRUISE DOWN TO BAJA.

THERE IS THE MOST FABULOUS
LITTLE SHOP IN CABO.

[WHISPERS]
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

I WANT TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING.

THE HAVE LITTLE PIECES
FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD.

AND THEY HAVE JEWELRY
HANDMADE IN MEXICO.

BRITT, CHECK THIS OUT.

I GOT IT ON AN ONLINE AUCTION.

IT'S A WINCHESTER AND I JUST
THOUGHT IT LOOKED VERY COOL.

IT IS COOL.
THIS IS A WINCHESTER MODEL 12.

HUH.

TRAP GUN.

PIGEON GRADE YET.

THIS IS A REAL, UH,
COLLECTOR'S ITEM.

MMM, GOOD!

WELL, I PAID A
COUPLE THOUSAND FOR IT.

I DON'T KNOW WHETHER I GOT
A GOOD DEAL OR NOT.

I JUST THOUGHT IT WAS
A NICE LOOKING GUN.

OH, I SUSPECT YOU GOT
A REAL GOOD DEAL ON THAT.

- REALLY!
- YEAH.

NEVER SHOT A GUN.
BELIEVE THAT?

WELL, IT'S NOT SURPRISING,
YOU KNOW, YOU...

OFFICE WORKER AND
THAT KIND OF THING.

YEAH, THAT'S TRUE.

I JUST WASN'T RAISED
AROUND THEM, SO.

MAYBE WE SHOULD
GO SHOOTING SOMETIME.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

YEAH, MAYBE.
MAYBE. YEAH.

OH! LOOK AT THAT SPARKLE.

IT'S GOT A LOT OF FIRE,
DOESN'T IT?

BUT IT'S SUCH A GOOD MEMORY

BECAUSE IT'S FROM
MY LATE HUSBAND.

YOU KNOW, YOU CAN'T
GO TO SLEEP WITH A RING.

[LAUGHING]

DAVID, I NEED SOME ADVICE
IN CASE IT COMES UP.

YEAH.
IN CASE WHAT COMES UP?

UM. SEX...

OH. OKAY. YOU THINK IT'S
PROGRESSED THAT FAR ALREADY?

I DIDN'T EXPECT
ANYTHING LIKE THIS, REALLY.

I MEAN, I HADN'T REALLY
THOUGHT ABOUT IT

AND SHE IS REALLY PRETTY,
SEEMS TO ME, AGGRESSIVE.

REALLY COZIES UP.

AND UM, YOU KNOW, I THINK SHE
PROBABLY EXPECTS SOMETHING.

YEAH, THAT COULD BE.

SHE'S DROPPED A FEW VERBAL HINTS
ALONG THE WAY TONIGHT

ABOUT EATING THE OYSTERS
AND THAT SORT OF THING.

BUT, BUT WHY DOES
THAT SCARE YOU?

YOU AFRAID THINGS
DON'T WORK ANYMORE?

IT'S BEEN OVER
30 YEARS SINCE I --

I HAVEN'T HAD SEX WITH
A WOMAN SINCE JULY 4, 1976

AND IT WAS ANOTHER WOMAN--
SHE SEDUCED ME AND I WAS JUST --

SHE JUST SCARED THE --

SHE SCARED THE BEJEEZUS
OUT OF ME.

WELL, THAT'S BEEN A PLENTY
LONG TIME AGO.

YES.

I'M NOT SO SURE THAT
I'M A GREAT ONE

TO ASK FOR ADVICE
ON THAT SUBJECT.

I DON'T, UH, DON'T
HAVE A LOT OF IT ANYMORE.

BUT HERE'S AN IDEA OR TWO.

HAVE YOU TRIED UM,

USING ONE OF THE
INTERNET SEARCH ENGINES

TO SEE IF YOU CAN
TAKE A PEEK ONLINE

AT SOME OF THE PORNOGRAPHY
THAT'S AVAILABLE?

JUST, GO ON YOUR COMPUTER
AND GOOGLE PORNOGRAPHY

AND SEE WHAT YOU GET.

PORNOGRAPHY?

OH, JUST THE WORD.

I MEAN, YOU'LL GET
MILLIONS OF WEBSITES.

AND SOME OF THEM ARE FREE
AND SOME OF THEM ARE NOT

AND AT LEAST YOU CAN FIND OUT

WHETHER THERE'S ANY
PLUMBING PROBLEM.

CAN YOU GET PATTI PAGE ONLINE?

OH, YOU KNOW, IT WOULDN'T
SURPRISE ME IF YOU COULD

BUT THERE'S A WHOLE LOT
MORE STUFF OUT THERE

THAT'S UH, WAY MORE GRAPHIC.

HEY, DAVID!
CAN YOU HELP ME WITH THIS?

SURE!
I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.

[SEXY MUSIC]

[SEXY MUSIC]

[DOOR SQUEAKS AND CLOSES]

[SEXY MUSIC CONTINUES]

[SEXY MUSIC CONTINUES]

OH, FOR A MOMENT
I THOUGHT THAT WAS REAL.

[LIGHTHEARTED MUSIC]

[LIGHTHEARTED MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

YES! YES!

SO, BRITT, I WAS WONDERING

IF MAYBE YOU'D LIKE
TO SPEND THE NIGHT

AT MY PLACE AGAIN AND MAYBE
I CAN MAKE US SOME LASAGNA.

WELL, IF I DID THAT I'D
WANT TO CHANGE MY CLOTHES.

I NEED TO CHANGE
THESE CLOTHES, SO.

WELL, IF YOU HAVE ANY LAUNDRY,
YOU COULD DO IT AT MY PLACE.

WELL, THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

THAT WOULD BEAT THE
LAUNDROMAT, THAT'S FOR SURE.

[DUCK QUACKS IN THE DISTANCE]

AND YOU SOLD SOMEONE AN AK-47.

NO, I BOUGHT AN AK-47.

OH, YOU BOUGHT
AN AK-47 FROM STEVE.

WHY DO YOU NEED AN AK-47?

WHY WOULD YOU NEED AN AK-47?

AHH, I DID CALL YOU.

BUT YOU DIDN'T ANSWER THE PHONE.

I HAD THE PHONE.

IT, IT, IT DIDN'T RING.

WELL, LET ME SEE THAT THING.

THE REST OF THE
PEOPLE ARE NUTS.

WELL, YOU KNOW ONE THING
THAT REALLY SURPRISED ME?

I, I SHOWED YOU MY
CONCEALED WEAPONS PERMIT.

WELL, IT'S ON VIBRATE.

NO, IT'S NOT ON VIBRATE!

HERE, I'LL FIX IT.

YEAH, IT IS, TOO.

HERE, NOW IT'LL RING.

IF I KNEW IT WAS
ON VIBRATE LIKE THAT,

I WOULD HAVE CARRIED IT
IN MY PANT POCKET.

YEAH, I BET YOU WOULD.

YOU NEED, YOU NEED
SOME KIND OF STIMULANT.

I DON'T NEED ANY STIMULANTS,
I KNOW THAT.

I JUST CAN'T RELAX.

GODDAMMIT!
YOU GOTTA GET OVER THAT.

OH HEY, DAVE!

IT WAS A QUICK DINNER.

DOUG CARLSON GOT FOOD POISONING.

BAD OYSTERS OR SOMETHING.

HE HAD TO CALL IT
AN EARLY NIGHT.

HE'LL BE OKAY BUT --

I WAS WONDERING WHERE YOU WERE.

WELL, I DIDN'T THINK
I COULD GET HERE AT ALL.

BUT I'M GLAD I FINALLY MADE IT.

I LIKE HANGING OUT
WITH YOU GUYS, YOU KNOW?

HEH, HEH, HEH, HEH.

GETS TO BE A HABIT
AFTER A WHILE.

SURE DOES.

SO WHAT ARE WE DOING FOR FUN?

WELL, WE'RE SITTING HERE
HAVING COFFEE.

WE'RE DISCUSSING
THINGS OF SERIOUS NATURE.

SERIOUS NATURE?

- YEAH.
- OH.

THEN LEGALIZE IT.

THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU KNOW, I NEVER HEARD OF,
I NEVER HEARD OF RAPE IN JAPAN.

AND USED TO BE,
PROSTITUTION USED TO BE LEGAL.

NOT, MAYBE NOT NOW.
BUT IT USED TO BE.

AND CERTAINLY IN AMSTERDAM.

IT'S LEGAL IN HOLLAND.

HOLLAND.
AND IN HOLLAND.

AND IN GERMANY.

IN GERMANY, HAMBURG.

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

MY BUDDIES CAME FROM OKLAHOMA
AND WE'RE LOOKING FOR THIS BAR.

AND THERE'S A HOOKER STANDING
ON THE CORNER AND I SAID,

"WAIT, I'LL JUST GO OVER
AND ASK THE HOOKER."

HE SAID, "HEY, WHERE'S
SUCH-AND-SUCH A BAR?"

AND SHE SAID, "I DON'T KNOW.
I'M FROM OUT OF TOWN.

I'M JUST HERE FOR
THE WEEKEND WORK."

[LAUGHING]

HOW DID HE KNOW
IT WAS A HOOKER?

SKIRT ABOUT UP TO THERE,
YOU KNOW, AND SOME BOOTS.

DID YOU EVER HAVE ANYONE
LIVE WITH YOU ON THE BOAT?

NO, THAT'S ONE ADVANTAGE
I GUESS YOU COULD SAY

THAT'S THE NICE THING
ABOUT HAVING A SMALL BOAT.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY

ABOUT HAVING PEOPLE UNDERFOOT
'CAUSE THERE'S NO ROOM.

THAT'S TRUE.
THERE IS NO ROOM.

SHE'D HAVE TO BE A MERMAID!

YEAH. IT'S NOT A
BAD WAY TO LIVE.

IT'S SURE SIMPLE.

IT'S A, I LIKE THE SIMPLICITY OF
IT ALL AND THE SOLEMNITY OF...

BEING BY YOURSELF.

WELL, IT IS NICE BUT
IT'S ALSO NICE TO BE TOGETHER.

MY SON, BEN.
MY DAUGHTER, TESS.

AND MY HUSBAND.
HE DIED 11 YEARS AGO.

HE WAS QUITE SICK
BUT I TOOK CARE OF HIM.

I BET THAT WAS
EXHAUSTING, HUH?

WELL, YES.
BUT THAT'S JUST WHAT YOU DO.

HAVE YOU NOT EVER
HAD SOMEONE SPECIAL?

WELL, NOT, NOT THAT
KIND OF SPECIAL.

I'VE HAD PEOPLE.
I MEAN, I'VE HAD RELATIONSHIPS.

YEARS AGO I HAD A YOUNG LADY
THAT WE WERE PRETTY CLOSE.

I USED TO TAKE HER SAILING
ALL THE TIME ON MY DAD'S BOAT.

WELL, IT WAS MY DAD'S BOAT
AT THAT TIME.

AND LATER ON, HE GAVE ME
THE BOAT AND UH,

I NEEDED A PLACE TO LIVE

AND IT HAD SOME
SENTIMENTAL VALUE TO ME, TOO,

AT THE TIME SO,
THAT'S WHY I HAVE THE BOAT.

YOU'VE NEVER
THOUGHT ABOUT MOVING?

YEAH, I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT MOVING.

I MEAN, IT'S, THAT'S ALWAYS AN
OPTION BUT ON THE OTHER HAND,

I'M PRETTY COMFORTABLE
ON THE BOAT.

WHAT DO YOU THINK
YOU DID TO YOUR BACK?

WELL, I'M NOT, NOT SURE.

IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN THE WAY
I SLEPT OR SOMETHING.

OH, I THINK YOU
NEED A REAL BED.

NOT THAT OLD COT ON
THAT OLD BOAT OF YOURS.

I THINK I FEEL A LOT
BETTER RIGHT NOW.

WELL, YOU KNOW, THE MANUAL SAID

I COULD USE THIS FOR
15 CONTINUOUS MINUTES.

I THINK THAT'S --

OH, I DON'T THINK
WE HAVE TO GO THAT LONG.

I THINK I'M FULLY RECOVERED NOW.

WELL, ARE YOU SURE?

BECAUSE I HAVEN'T EVEN DONE
YOUR LOWER BACK YET.

OH GOD.

- THANK YOU.
- SURE.

BRITT?

I THINK YOU SHOULD
SELL YOUR BOAT.

SELL MY BOAT?

I'VE BEEN GIVING IT
SOME THOUGHT.

AND I FEEL VERY
COMFORTABLE WITH YOU.

SELL MY BOAT.
HMM.

SURE.
YOU CAN COME STAY WITH ME.

I'M HUMBLED THAT
YOU'VE ASKED ME.

AND THIS, UH,
THIS IS A BIG THING WITH ME,

THIS THING WITH YOU
AND THERE'S A LOT GO --

WE COULD START TOMORROW.

WE COULD GET AN EARLY START,

GET UP EARLY AND
I COULD RENT A U-HAUL.

YOU COULD DRIVE IT.
I DON'T THINK I COULD DRIVE IT.

BUT YOU COULD DRIVE
THE U-HAUL.

WE WOULD JUST BACK IT
RIGHT UP TO YOUR BOAT.

I THINK WE COULD GET EVERYTHING
IN ONE LOAD AND WE'D BE DONE.

WELL, I CAN'T DO IT TOMORROW.

WHY?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

[DUCK CALL QUACKING BADLY]

[COUGHING]

YOU KNOW, DAVE,
I GOTTA TELL YOU,

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO SEE
MUCH THROUGH THOSE BINOCULARS.

I KNOW.

YOU KNOW,
THEY'RE KIND OF SUPERFLUOUS

TO OUR PURPOSE HERE.

YEAH, PRETTY NARROW
FIELD OF VIEW.

I THINK I'M BETTER OFF
WITHOUT THEM ALMOST.

[MUSIC]

BOY! IT'S COLD OUT HERE.

IT IS COLD, GODDAMMIT!

GONNA HAVE A LITTLE
WARM-UP HERE.

- OH!
- HEY, DAVE.

I'M SORRY.
THAT'S NOT ALLOWED.

I SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU
BEFORE BUT WE DON'T,

WE DON'T DRINK
WHEN WE'RE HUNTING.

IT'S OKAY AFTERWARDS.

YOU CAN GET SHITFACED
IF YOU WANT.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

THERE'S MORE DUCKS AROUND MY
BOAT THAN THERE ARE AROUND HERE.

WE COULD GET TO CLUB THEM
IN THE HEAD.

I TOLD YOU IT'D BE TOUGH.
JUST, YOU KNOW.

I DON'T THINK WE'VE SEEN A DUCK
SINCE WE GOT OUT HERE.

I DON'T THINK THIS
IS A GOOD IDEA.

I DON'T THINK THOSE DECOYS
ARE ARRANGED RIGHT, EITHER.

I GOT SOME QUESTION
ABOUT THAT, TOO.

YOU REALIZE HOW RIDICULOUS
THAT WOULD LOOK

IF YOU WERE TO FLY OVER THEM?

HOW A DUCK WOULD LOOK DOWN
ON THOSE THINGS?

YOU GUYS DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

HUH?

THE DECOYS ARE FINE.

OH NO.
I DON'T KNOW.

THERE ARE NO DAMN DUCKS.

WELL, I THINK THEY ARE
A TREMENDOUS WASTE OF TIME.

WELL, I TOLD YOU THAT BEFORE.

THE ONLY DUCKS I'VE SEEN AROUND
HERE ARE THOSE DAMN DECOYS.

WHERE ARE MY GODDAMN WADERS?

WHY DON'T WE JUST GET
A CHICKEN AT COSTCO?

MIGHTY DUCK HUNTER YOU ARE,
FOR CHRIST SAKES.

[MUSIC]

HEY, YOU BEEN LAID YET?

THAT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

I'M REALLY PROUD OF YOU, BRITT,
FOR CHANGING YOUR LIFESTYLE.

YOU KNOW,
I THOUGHT YOU WAS STUCK

AND GONNA BE AN
ASSHOLE ALL YOUR LIFE

AND BY GOLLY, YOU KNOW,
YOU'VE REALLY COME 'ROUND.

I'VE SEEN YOU WITH
YOUR GIRLFRIEND

AND YOU LOOK REALLY GOOD.

AND YOU'RE GOOD FOR HER.

YOU KNOW,
YOU'RE DOING FINE.

I'M PROUD OF YOU.
I REALLY AM.

- YOU THINK SO?
- YEAH!

[MUSIC]

SO, YOU'RE BACK
ON SENIOR CONNECTIONS?

NO, NO. NO, I'M NOT GOING
TO DO THAT.

I'M DONE WITH THAT.

WELL, WHERE ARE YOU
GOING TO NEXT, THEN?

DAVE! DAVE!
YOU'RE NOT DOING ANY GOOD.

COME ON, GET OUT OF
THE GODDAMN WATER.

AHH! AHH!

YOU GOING TO LET ME
READ THAT BOOK?

NO.

WHY NOT?

I'M KIND OF LOOKING
FORWARD TO SEEING UH --

ARE YOU SICK OR SOMETHING?

ARE YOU COMING DOWN WITH...?

I DON'T KNOW. IT'S COLD, MAN!
MY FEET ARE FREEZING.

OH!

[SNIFFING]

[WHEEZY COUGHING]

[BANG!]

OHH.

[COUNTRY MUSIC]
[COUGHING CONTINUES]

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

I KNOW WE POSSESS POWERFUL TOOLS FOR OUR SURVIVAL

BUT FEW OF US REALIZE
OUR VERY OWN POTENTIAL.

AND THIS I BELIEVE, A GOOD LIFE IS ONE OF RISKS COUPLED WITH,

WELL OF COURSE,
CREATIVITY, LOVE,

AND GIVING BACK WITHIN
ONE'S CAPACITY TO DO SO.

THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT REGRET

IS THAT I DIDN'T LIVE UP
TO THAT CODE.

YET, MY LIFE HAS BEEN
EXCEEDINGLY FULL AND BOUNTIFUL

AND THAT HELPS ME KEEP
TILTING TOWARDS WINDMILLS,

ALL OF WHICH REMINDS ME
OF A LANGSTON HUGHES POEM.

IT'S ONE OF MY FAVORITES.

'TWO MEN LOOKED UP
FROM THE PRISON BARS,

ONE SAW MUD
AND ONE SAW STARS.'

IF I LEARNED ANYTHING
OVER THESE MANY YEARS,

IT IS THAT THE THRILL OF MY LIFE HAS BEEN MORE IN THE CHASE

AND NOT SO MUCH IN THE CATCHING.

I GUESS SOME
THINGS NEVER CHANGE.

I JUST KEEP GOING
AROUND AND AROUND.

THAT WHICH WE ARE, WE ARE.

COUGH! EXCUSE ME.

SO, AT SOME POINT THIS
RAMBLING NARRATIVE MUST END.

AND I'VE ALWAYS BEEN ONE

WHO WOULD RATHER JUMP
BEFORE I'M PUSHED.

SO FOR ME, IT'S SOONER
RATHER THAN LATER.

SO BE IT.

[CHEERS] [APPLAUSE]
YAY!

[CHEERS] [APPLAUSE]
YAY!

OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE
THOSE AIRLINES

CHARGE $20 FOR EXTRA BAGGAGE.

UH-HUH.
YOU NEED SOME HELP?

OH. THAT'D BE GREAT.
THANKS.

OH, YEAH.

LET'S GET THAT
CENTERED A LITTLE BIT.

OH, SUPER.

THERE YOU GO.

HOW'D YOU DO THAT?

THANK YOU, KIND SIR.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

I THINK THIS IS GOING TO BE FUN.
I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO THE TRIP.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

YEAH?

OH, I'M REALLY HAPPY.

THAT'S SO GREAT.
I CAN'T WAIT.

- IT'LL BE GREAT.
- OH! IT'S WONDERFUL.

SAY, I JUST HAVE TO GO
TO THE BATHROOM FOR A MINUTE

'CAUSE I DON'T WANT TO USE THOSE
UGLY LAVATORIES ON THE PLANE.

OKAY, OKAY.

HOW MUCH TIME DO WE HAVE?

OH, 15 OR 20 MINUTES.

OKAY.

[SOFT JAZZY MUSIC]

[SOFT JAZZY MUSIC]

[BREAKING GLASS]

WHAT WAS THAT?
DID SOMETHING BREAK?

OH, I BUMPED THE VASE
WITH THE CLUB.

NOTHING SERIOUS.

- OH.
- JUST BROKE IT.

OKAY.
LET ME GET THE VACUUM.

OKAY.

PUT ON SOME SHOES.

I DON'T WANT YOU
TO CUT YOUR FEET.

YEAH, THANKS.

E. COLI IS EVERYWHERE.

- E. COLI?
- YEAH!

YOU NOTICE ONLY THE PEOPLE
THAT DIE FROM E. COLI

ARE KIND OF
SICKLY PEOPLE ANYWAY.

IF YOU'RE GOOD AND
STRONG AND HEALTHY,

YOU CAN EAT A RARE HAMBURGER.

IT'S NOT GOING TO KILL YOU.

[CHATTER]

IT'S A MATTER OF LIABILITY

IF YOU DON'T COOK HAMBURGER
SAFELY FOR THE PUBLIC.

IT HAS TO BE HEATED TO
AT LEAST 145 DEGREES.

[CHATTER]

YOU ONLY BRING GRIFFEY
IN AND YOU LOOK AT IT.

YOU LOOK AT HOW
MUCH YOU'RE PAYING

AND YOU LOOK AT HOW MUCH
YOU'RE BRINGING TO THE STANDS --

HOLY SHIT!...

OH, SHIT!
I CAN'T SEE A DAMN THING NOW.

WHERE'S A LIGHT WHEN I NEED ONE.

[CELL PHONE RINGTONE]

OH, DAMN TELEPHONE.

WHO'S THERE?

GIVE ME A SECOND HERE.

I WANT TO GET THE
LIGHTS BACK ON.

[CRASH!]

OH, HEY!

I JUST PUT SOME BREAD
IN THE TOASTER

AND IT SHORTED OUT
AND BLEW THE BREAKER.

SORRY, I GUESS MY PHONE
WAS ON A VIBRATE.

GODDAMN IT.

I WAS MAKING MYSELF
A PIECE OF TOAST.

WELL, YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I'M
GOING TO HAVE FOR DINNER.

NO, I'LL PUT SOME, I'LL PUT
SOME BUTTER AND JAM ON IT.

I THINK -- I KIND OF LIKE THAT.

BUT, UH, PROBABLY THE LAST
PIECE OF TOAST

I HAVE TONIGHT BECAUSE
THE TOASTER BROKE.

WELL, I KNOW I SHOULD
EAT SOMETHING

A LITTLE BIT BETTER THAN THAT

BUT I'M TIRED AND I DON'T WANT
TO TAKE A LITTLE TIME TO --

I UNDERSTAND.

YEAH...
OH, YOU MEAN TONIGHT?

WELL.
I'M PRETTY TIRED, YOU KNOW.

CAN'T WE DO THAT
IN THE MORNING?

HAVE A CUP OF COFFEE
OR SOMETHING?

I AM KIND OF TIRED
AND I DON'T SEE WELL AT NIGHT.

FOR THAT MATTER, I COULD GO
TO SLEEP AND RUN OFF THE ROAD.

YEAH. YEAH. OKAY.

WELL, THANK YOU.
GOODNIGHT!

WELL, I KNOW I'D
SAID I'D BE EARLY.

AND I KNOW I TOLD YOU
I'M AN EARLY RISER

BUT I NEEDED SOME
MORE SLEEP, I GUESS.

WELL, LISTEN, I GOT SOME --

WHY DON'T I PACK A FEW BOXES
AND PUT THEM IN MY PICKUP

AND WHEN I COME OVER

WE'LL AT LEAST HAVE SOME
OF THAT STUFF TAKEN CARE OF.

WELL -- [GRUNTS] -- WHY
DON'T I DO THAT ANYWAY?

OKAY? I KNOW THAT WE'LL
GET OUR DAYS GOING

JUST A LITTLE LATER BUT WE'LL,

WE'LL MOVE REAL FAST,
I PROMISE.

YEAH. YEAH. YEAH. I, YEAH,
I HAD A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP.

YES.
I LIKE SLEEPING HERE.

WELL, I LIKE SLEEPING
AT YOUR PLACE, TOO.

BUT THIS, I MEAN, NO,
OLD HABITS...

ALRIGHT. WELL.
SORRY I'M SO LATE. BYE.

SHIT.

[BLEEP!]

HELLO, FROM PALM SPRINGS
WHERE I'M THE PROUD NEW OWNER

OF A CONDO IN THE
COMMUNITY OF IRONWOOD.

I'VE ATTACHED SOME PHOTOS.

CHRIS HAS BEEN WORKING
ON THE INTERIOR DESIGN

WHILE I HIT THE GOLF COURSE
WITH MY FRIEND, DOUG CARLSON.

IT'S NOT BAD HERE AT ALL.

THE WEATHER IS VERY PLEASANT

AND THERE ARE LOTS
OF SOCIAL GATHERINGS

AND EVENTS THAT KEEP US BUSY.

WE'VE JUST MET SOME
WONDERFUL PEOPLE HERE

FROM ALL OVER THE COUNTRY.

WE DECIDED NOT TO TAKE
THE BAJA CRUISE THIS YEAR.

CHRIS HAS DECIDED WE'RE
GOING TO PARIS INSTEAD.

SO I'M NOT SURE
WHEN I'LL BE HOME.

PROBABLY SOMETIME IN THE SUMMER.

UNTIL THEN, KEEP DRY UP THERE.

YOU'RE BUD, DAVE.

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

[HONK! HONK! HONK!]

[LONG HORN BLAST]

[HONK-HONK-HONK! HONK! HONK!]

[HO-O-O-O-O-ONK!]

OH, JESUS CHRIST!

[BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!]

HEY, BOB!

[TV AUDIO]

[TV AUDIO]

HEY, BOB! BOB!

OH, HI!
DON'T YOU EVER KNOCK!

I KNOCKED SEVERAL TIMES
OUT THERE.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE
SUPPOSED TO BE SICK!

OH, I'M FEELING,
I'M FEELING BETTER.

I UH, DO WANT THE DOCTOR
TO LOOK AT MY KNEE THOUGH

BECAUSE IT'S BEEN
GIVING ME FITS.

GET READY THEN.

HELL, I WAS BORN READY.

WELL, IT'S A LADY
FROM THE CHOIR.

SHE'S NEW IN THE CHOIR AND UM --

- REALLY?
- YEAH.

I, YOU KNOW, IT JUST SEEMED
AN AUTOMATIC THING.

WE KIND OF GRAVITATED TOGETHER.

UNLIKE CAROLYN, SHE'S OUT-GOING
AND CAN TALK AND SHE CAN DANCE.

SHE, UH, SHE'S TEACHING ME
TO DANCE THE SALSA.

NO! YOU SOUND LIKE
YOU'RE IN LOVE AGAIN.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
IT'S NOT THAT.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW.

WELL, SHE TAUGHT ME
THIS PHRASE 'MUY CALIENTE'

WHICH MEANS HOTTER THAN HELL.
[CHUCKLES]

MAYBE THAT'S JUST A LITTLE BIT
TOO MUCH EXCITEMENT

FOR A MAN OF YOUR SENIORITY.

HEY, I CAN HANDLE IT, BUDDY.
DON'T YOU FORGET THAT.

ALRIGHT. LET'S GET GOING, THEN.

[LAUGHING]

ONWARD AND UPWARD.

[LIGHT-HEARTED MUSIC]

BARTENDER SAYS, "SO, DIDN'T YOU
HAVE ANYTHING IN YOUR HAND?"

HE SAID, "YEAH," HE SAID.

"I HAD MRS. MCCORKLE'S LEFT TIT

BUT IT AIN'T WORTH A SHIT
IN A FIGHT."

[RAUCOUS LAUGHING]

JUST THEN THE MUSIC QUIT.

AND IT WENT, 'RIP!'

AND EVERYBODY TURNED AROUND
AND LOOKED AT OUR TABLE

AND I TURNED AROUND AND I SAID
TO THIS GUY, [LAUGHTER]

AND THEN THE MUSIC STARTED!

HE SAID,
"YOU DIRTY SON OF A BITCH!"

PLEASE DON'T GO!

[LAUGHTER]

WILL YOU QUIT HORSING AROUND,
WE'RE WASTING FILM HERE.

WASTING FILM.
THERE'S NO FILM IN THAT CAMERA!

YOU KNOW WE'RE --
I SHUT IT OFF AND I HIT SOMEONE.

IT HELPS IF YOU DON'T
JERK AROUND SO MUCH.

WELL, IT DOESN'T HELP
WHEN YOU'RE SHAKY, EITHER.

WELL, THAT'S WHAT I MEAN.

AW, SHIT! SEE, I DID IT AGAIN.
FUCK IT!

YOU BRING UP SOMETHING RELEVANT,

SOMETHING WE CAN
REALLY TALK ABOUT

THAT MAKES SOME GODDAMNED SENSE
INSTEAD OF PISSING ME OFF.

TIME AFTER TIME YOU BRING UP
THIS NONSENSE SHIT.

BOB! BOB! [LAUGHING]

COOL IT.

YOU WERE RUNNING A LITTLE LATE.
LOOK YOU'RE NOT EVEN DRESSED.

I REALIZE THAT.

YOU NEED TO GET DRESSED.

I'M GETTING OUT OF HERE.

THAT DIDN'T COME OUT RIGHT.

IT'S OKAY!

DUMB SHIT.

[LAUGHING]

I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANYTHING
MORE ABOUT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS.

I DON'T NEED TO KNOW
HER WORLD OR HER HISTORY.

WELL, SAD VIOLIN MUSIC.

GET ON THE BALL.

ALRIGHT, I'M THROUGH.
[LAUGHING]

HOLD THAT.

YEAH.
GET THAT SUCKER OPEN.

HAVE YOU EVER DONE
THIS BEFORE, BOB?

I'VE DONE IT LOTS OF TIMES.

BUT, YOU KNOW, EACH
ONE IS DIFFERENT.

DID YOU KNOW THAT?

IT'S KIND OF LIKE WOMAN.

USUALLY, I GET MY TEETH
ON THERE BUT I'M A LITTLE SHY.

ONE TIME I REALLY GOT BURNED.

I'LL HANG ON TO IT.
YOU TWIST IT.

AH?
YOU WANT ME TO TAKE THAT OFF?

YEAH.
TWIST THAT SUCKER.

OKAY.