Old Dogs (2009) - full transcript

[♪ Bryan Adams:
You've Been a Friend To Me ♪]

MAN: This walk is exactly
what you need.

You've been coiled up like a spring.
I don't even know who you are anymore.

It's a big meeting, I'd think
you'd be a little nervous.

I don't get nervous, Dan. I get excited.

Please don't tell the story.

You're a people person,
Charlie, that's wonderful,

but in business meetings you tell
personal items from my life,

- and it embarrasses me.
- Girls, girls, girls!

- [Dog grunts]
- Hey! 10 miles! [Laughs]

- [Groans]
- I'm sorry, Lucky.



I think he's too old for sprints.
I can hear his legs clicking.

Those are my knees.

Do you really think I tell
that story for my own amusement?

I do it because it's a sales tool.

Charlie, let's win this account
on our pitch.

It's sports marketing.
You need an edge.

- I don't want to be the edge.
- Hey, mister! Little help!

Sure thing, guys!

- [Boy grunts]
- CHARLIE: Whoa!

- BOY: Ow!
- Oh! Oh! Oh!

- Why did you do that?
- My bad! Sorry!

- I didn't mean to.
- You're a monster!

DAN: I'm sorry!

You're allergic to anything
under 4 feet. You're a mess.



- Promise you won't tell the story.
- Fine. I won't tell the story.

CHARLIE: OK, you guys want to hear
the greatest Dan Rayburn story ever?

- DAN: No, don't.
- Please. Come on, Danny.

All right. 7 years ago,
Dan's divorce had just come through

and his ex-wife had
left his heart in tatters.

And his bank account drained.
Tell them that.

- [Speaking Japanese]
- He was taking it pretty well.

That's good.
You're taking it like a man!

Stiff upper lip! Getting smart!

- What?
- Oh, God!

CHARLIE: People say I saved
my partner's life that day.

[Wailing]

- So many people get divorced.
- [Whines]

And neither one of you wanted kids.
Now that seems like a stroke of genius!

But that didn't console him.
I had to act. I had to do something.

Mr. Good Time is going to
teach you how to live! Yeah!

- Why are there 2 pieces of luggage?
- Oh, just a little jaunt.

- Nothing too wild.
- [Dan screams]

Hey, Mr. Good Times.
You said we'd come to Miami, we did.

Can we go home now?

- [Siren sounds]
- Whoa!

- Whoa.
- Yeah!

Does this drink
come with a diving board?

It's insane! Just a sip, I think.

So as a best friend, I felt compelled

to give him a gentle reminder
of what it was like to be free.

- I want it to say: "free man!"
- [Slurring] Free man.

Big letters, right across his chest.

"Free man!" Comprende?

- [Exclaims in foreign language]
- Oh. Good night, nurse.

- [Dan screaming]
- [Crowd cheering]

CHARLIE: I could have sworn
that guy spoke English.

- It was supposed to say "free man."
- [Screaming]

[Crowd chanting]
Fremont, Fremont, Fremont...

Free man!

[Screaming]

[Chuckling] It's funny, guys.
Come on. They love it.

Then the unexpected happened.

Look at all the babes.
Don't look, don't look. Now look.

CHARLIE: 14 hours after
signing his divorce papers,

Dan met Vicki, the girl of his dreams.

- Whoa!
- Whoa.

CHARLIE: Girl in white, 11 o'clock.

- Yeah, but...
- Oh, give her the Queen's wave.

- No, the other Queen.
- Oh. Hello.

CHARLIE: She was traveling
with a friend.

I thought maybe the friend
was a magician or a jazz dancer,

because of the way
she was moving her hands.

Turns out she's a hand model.

- [Speaks Japanese]...hand model.
- A hand model?

They model with their hands.

CHARLIE: So, within minutes,
Dan is back to his old self.

No, scratch that.
He's better than his old self.

Charlie, look at these pictures!

My whole life I've never taken
a good picture.

DAN & VICKI: * No matter how
they toss the dice, it had to be.

CHARLIE: I'd never seen him
so free, OK?

I mean, so impulsive.
He was a changed man.

- [Cracking]
- [Grunting]

CHARLIE: Or maybe not so changed.

It's hard to explain to a guy
who's never had an impulsive moment

in his life there's
2 kinds of impulsives.

The good kind, OK,
but this is plain stupid!

That was so romantic.

But when he woke up, he remembered,
"I was just married 14 painful years

- and I've gone and done it again!"
- Whoops.

CHARLIE: To a woman that
he barely knows. His "soul mate."

[Speaking Japanese]

- Soul mate.
- ALL: Soul mate!

[Men laughing]

Soul mate!

They never laugh this much.

So, a few hours later,
my buddy here, my hombre,

is the only guy I know that's been
divorced twice in a 24-hour period.

- Now, that's a true story.
- [Speaking Japanese]

[All chanting]
Fremont! Fremont! Fremont!

- It was supposed to say "free man."
- But it didn't. It said "Fremont."

It's a big mistake.
It's on his chest forever.

I don't really think that story
honors the feelings I had for her.

No, I'm sorry.
Dan, people love that story.

So just get up there and do
your thing. Because I killed.

Banzai!

- [Shouting]
- Ixnay on the banzai.

- [Charlie groans]
- DAN: Nishamura Media Group

entering the US sports market
is a huge deal.

Now, I know you've met
with larger groups,

but I'm about to show you
why working with a boutique firm

run by 2 seasoned pros
is a smart move for you.

[Men cheering]

47 million dollars over 5 years.

Man, you better shape up
on your Japanese,

'cause you're going to Tokyo, baby!

Thank you. This is the kind of
opportunity I've been looking for.

And you will not be sorry.
In college my nickname was "GT '."

- That's "Go To." You go to me.
- What's the matter with you?

Biggest deal of our lives
isn't exciting enough for you?

So it's a done deal now?
There are a few small details.

Like next week when Nishamura
and his son come to town

we have to win them over
on the golf course.

- That'll be easy.
- I'm great at golf.

Then, 2 weeks from now,
we have to make a presentation

- to their executive board of directors.
- Done.

All right, sunshine.
What's really wrong with you?

- I was not divorced twice, OK?
- [Chuckling]

One of them was an annulment.

- Look at that face!
- Charlie, don't!

Look at this, Craig.
You know what this face is?

- The face of a winner.
- This face is willing to hibernate

for 6 months to make the
best deal he could possibly make.

And I don't care who knows it. A toast
to my best buddy and business partner,

- Dan Rayburn! Whoo!
- Whoo!

- Arigato!
- [All cheering]

It all comes down to this.

- I don't think so.
- 3, 2, 1.

This one's the shooter.

- CHARLIE: Let's see it.
- CRAIG: Golden moment.

- Oh. Uh-oh!
- Oh, you're just sinkin' em.

Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh.

CHARLIE:
Let's hit it. There you go.

- CRAIG: It's a leaking dog.
- Yeah.

That's a... That's a neat trick.
How old is that dog?

I lost count. Vet said it was a record.

You might want to put
a diaper on him, or underwear.

[Dog growls]

- Yo.
- Hey. Where you been?

Japanese real estate agents.
Some apartments for Craig-San.

Thank you. I just want to find
something authentic.

I've been getting so immersed
in Japanese culture,

by the time I hit Tokyo, they're
going to think I'm part Japanese.

They'll be like, "Who is this local?"

I don't care if you stay on the top
of Mount Fuji. Just bring home the yen.

- This can't be.
- What do you got?

- Vicki.
- Vicki who?

South Beach Vicki? She's in town.

- She wants to see me. Today.
- She just called you out of the blue?

- No.
- Dan? Dan?

You know last Christmas
when I moved in to the condo?

I was feeling really lonely.

And maybe I wrote a 7-to-10-page
single-spaced letter.

- Oh, Dan.
- [Groans]

You've been using your feelings
for this woman

to avoid your life for 7 years.

I set you up in the most exclusive
adult-only condo.

You've never been to theme nights.

You never once went to the
Sunday morning schmooze and schmeer.

You know, maybe she hasn't
moved on either.

- Well, you can't do it.
- Why?

Because we're in the middle
of our biggest deal ever,

and you don't have the time.

She lives in Vermont. It's perfect.
Start of a long-distance relationship.

You get 6 to 9 months
of the spa weekends,

late-night phone calls.
I'd still have my days free to work.

She wants to meet me
at Grand Central Station,

and I don't know what
I'm supposed to wear.

It's not formal, obviously,
it's a train station,

but do I wear a sport coat,
or coat and tie...

You can wear a sports coat,
but you're not going like that.

- DAN: Why?
- 'Cause you look like an albino.

[Groans]

This is his first time, so you can see
his complexion is ghost-like.

- What do you think of the El Tropical?
- Perfect beginner's tan.

- Oh, great.
- Yeah. Let's go!

- You all set?
- Oh, yeah.

- I'm ready. Alrighty, let's do this.
- Um... so...

Face forward, press the red button,
spray lasts 10 seconds.

Keep your eyes closed and call me
on the intercom when you're done.

OK.

Eyes closed. She wanted a golden god,
she's going to get one.

Whoa, um...

- [Doors lock]
- HAL?

I definitely think that the tan line
accentuates the look, don't you?

- Uh-huh. Sexy.
- Mmm.

I'm gonna start now. [Whistling]

[Machine humming]

Whoa!

♪ Perez Prado and His Orchestra:
Mambo No. 5 ♪]

[Shrieks]

1... Whoa!

2. 3. 4. 5. 6.

7. 8. 9. OK!

Hello!

[Buzzer sounding]

I'm finished!

Be there in a sec.

So, do you, like, really know Shaq?

- Whose numbers are those?
- Oh, my gosh.

- [Buzzing]
- We have a problem here!

- Shaq! Yeah, Charlie.
- It's not turning off!

- Tell him your name.
- Shaq? Hi, it's Kelly.

Anybody out there?

Do you remember me?
I went to one of your games.

Help!

Yeah. I don't know who
you were playing against, but...

I have an emergency here!

- Help!
- [Groans]

Just relax. Be there in a sec.

Help!

- A tanning emergency?
- Newbies.

Keep the heat kind of medium...

Throw a little bit of butter, and...

Man ON PA: Westbound local
now arriving on track 2.

Westbound local now arriving.

[Speaking foreign language]

I'm from Hoboken.

[Both speaking foreign language]

What am I, the United Nations?
This is crazy.

Look, Mom,
it's an Oompa-Loompa.

I'm an Oompa-Loompa. I can't do this!

- [Sighs] Excuse me...
- VICKI: Dan?

Vicki?

- [Laughing] Wow!
- DAN: Hey!

- I mean, hi!
- Hi.

Look at you! You're so tan.

Yeah. Yeah.

Boca. Volleyball, and...
Look at you. You're hot!

- Thanks, Tan.
- Dan.

- I mean, Dan.
- I'm Tan Dan.

[Both laughing]

I got us a table upstairs.

- Let's eat. Yeah.
- Shall we?

- BOTH: Thank you.
- Oh!

[Both chuckling]

I really don't know where to start, Dan.
But...

I need to share it with...

Stop... in the name of love.

Look, 7 years ago,
we made magic happen.

But it was bad timing.

Now, we'll take it super slow,
there'll be no outside distractions.

Just us. I, um...

I'm ready to put these back together.
All I need is your half.

- I'm going to jail.
- What?

Tomorrow. 2 weeks for trespassing.

- Why?
- A chemical company wanted

to build a plant that would've
drained into a stream near my house.

So I kind of chained myself
to a bulldozer

and burned the blueprints to the plant.

Look at you.
You're a political activist.

Well, I had ulterior motives.

- You're... Career politician?
- My kids.

Zach and Emily play near that stream.

Kids.

You know, I just never thought that...

You... you'd be attached. But...

- Actually, I'm a single mom.
- [Exclaims]

You kidder!

- Twins!
- Ouch!

Yeah. They think I'm going
to a spa named Westford Farms.

- Whoops!
- [Both chuckle]

You remember my best friend,
Jenna, from South Beach.

- Oh, yeah.
- VICKI: Yeah, the hand model.

They're staying with her.
She's like family.

You got so much going on, girl.
It just blows my mind.

That's good, because there's
one other small detail.

- What is it?
- KIDS: Daddy!

- [Heart beating]
- [Salsa music plays]

[Explosion sound effects]

You guys weren't supposed
to be back for 45 minutes!

I'm... DA... DA...

Oh! Hey, look who's panicking again.

[Laughing]

He does not look good.
I'm calling the paramedics.

No! I'm OK.

[Groans]

Guys, would you give us
a minute? Please.

Dan, I got your letter 6 months ago,
and I won't lie, it threw me for a loop.

I was completely ready to go it alone.

But here was this...

12-page, single-spaced letter
from the father of my kids,

and suddenly
I had to ask if I was being selfish.

Then 3 weeks ago,
we were in Friday's for dinner,

and Zach had to go to the bathroom,
and as I was taking him

to the ladies' room
for the umpteenth time...

I realized, he's never
even been in a men's room.

- Really?
- My kids are 7. They have a father.

So I thought, maybe it's time
they got to know who he is.

I have to confess, I've always been
a little awkward around children.

But I guess, if they're your own,
it's a different ballgame.

Well, we got a few hours to kill
while Jenna goes out on a hand audition.

- Let's find out.
- OK.

But first, what do you say
we get rid of that ridiculous tan?

I know a few family secrets.

- You don't like it?
- I'm sorry, do you like it?

- Not at all.
- [Laughing] OK.

- VICKI: How's your face feel?
- Oh, pretty much everything.

- Come on, Dad!
- Oh, no.

Not the spinning one.
That's a recipe for disaster.

Hey, Dad? Want to see my
5 Favorite Food lists?

Oh, I'd love to, Z. Thanks.

- Zach likes to make lists.
- I love lists.

- DAN: Hot wings and milkshakes.
- Chocolate?

Oh, no, it gives me diarrhea.

I mean, stomach problems
and frequent gas-spasms.

- Oh.
- I have to go to the bathroom.

Oh, OK.

Hang on. Can you watch Emily?

- Sure.
- I want to go to the men's room.

With me?

OK.

[Toilet flushing]

You're pretty old. How come
you don't have any other kids?

Well, um...

Initially, it was kind of a...

You do know where kids
come from, right?

- Yeah, sure.
- Can you tell me?

Well, um...

In nature, the male and
the female of the species, uh,

in what some have called the
"dance of springtime," you know...

- [Zach farting]
- It's complicated.

- [Zach farts]
- Do I just stand here?

My mom usually waits outside.

I'll bet she does. I'm out of here.

[Horn honks]

OK.

- Ooh! You're early.
- VICKI: Hi, hon!

I can do my hand cream later. Hi!

- ZACH: Hi, Aunt Jenna!
- EMILY: Hi.

Hi, Zach. Hello, Emily!

- I booked it!
- [Jenna and Vicki scream]

- I gotta go potty.
- All right. Lemonade inside!

- OK, I got them.
- I got the bags.

- No, no, it's all right...
- No, please.

- [Screaming]
- Oh!

Oh, no! I got it.

- OK, I got it.
- [Car beeps]

- No, wait. No, please don't.
- [Screaming continues]

[Car alarm blaring]

- [Mouthing] Oh, my God.
- DAN: Breathe! Breathe!

Oh, sorry!

[Yells]

- Oh...
- [Siren wails]

She's gonna be fine. She's a fighter.

She looks good. You look good, hon.

Can you hand me my cell phone?
I have to call my agent.

All right. Here we go. Here it is, hon.

- Do you want help?
- [Groans] No, no.

I'm going to give you a minute. [Kisses]

- I'm so sorry.
- [Grunting]

Oh, God! What am I gonna do?

Come on, you're a great gal. You must
have plenty of friends you could call.

That I could trust
with my kids for 2 weeks?

This is a disaster!
I don't have anybody else!

That's not true.
No, no. You have me.

- [Sighs]
- I'll do it. I'll take the kids.

[Vicki exhales, laughs]

DAN: I'll do it.

- I will.
- Really?

Oh, yeah.

- [Both laughing]
- Hey, yeah, see?

[Sighs] This is good.
This is a good thing.

[Vicki panting]

- Do you know anybody else?
- No, just me.

[Free: All Right Now]

CHARLIE: And then suddenly,
you're supposed to take care of twins

when we have the biggest deal ever?
Aw, Dan!

I put their aunt in a halo for a month!
What am I supposed to do?

You're supposed to give them back!
They got 24 hours!

- They'll find another baby-sitter!
- I can't give them back!

They're my kids. It's not like puppies.
"Take them back."

- Let's break it down. It's 2 weeks.
- OK.

- Yeah.
- All right, let's see. We got, uh...

They sleep 10, 12 hours, right, a day?

- If you're lucky.
- You've got TV.

You've got bathroom time.
You give them a lot of timeouts.

You know what?

You're looking at about 90 minutes
of being a dad a day.

90 minutes?

It's a run-out-the-clock
situation, that's all.

- It's not sudden death.
- You'll be fine.

- Ha! We can do this.
- "We?" [Laughs] No, no.

You are on Planet Dan now, baby.

I'm down here on Earth,
just cheering you on.

You started this, remember? You're
the one who took me down to Florida.

"Mr. Feel-good" is gonna
teach me how to live.

I wasn't alone then,
I'm not gonna be alone now, OK?

So, tomorrow morning, 7:30, I want you
outside your apartment ready to go.

Because if I'm going to be
an old dad for 2 weeks,

you're going to be "Uncle Charlie."

Well, I don't want to
take care of the kids!

VICKI: For both of them, I've packed
enough clothes for every occasion.

- That everything?
- Yeah.

[Sighs] I can't believe I'm doing this.

Me, too.

Here's the number for
the poison control center.

- Poison control?
- Do you need a list of poisons?

No, I think most of them I know.

I should have compiled a list
of commonly ingested poisons!

I'm not going to poison our
children. They're in safe hands.

- Have you ever been to a casino?
- KIDS: No.

- Have you ever seen the movie Casino?
- No.

OK, there are only pay phones
in the common room,

so I will call you on your cell phone.

- OK.
- And no baby-sitters.

Please, Dan.
They've gone 7 years without a dad.

Promise me you will not
leave them with strangers.

- No strangers. Check.
- CHARLIE: Dan! Vicki!

The kids have never seen
Friday the 13th, part 1 or 2!

- Oh, my God!
- He's kidding. He's a kidder.

He was scared of
The Wizard of Oz. He's kidding.

The monkeys got him nuts.

- Oh, and one more thing.
- [Chuckling] I'm up for it.

Well, Emily has kind of concocted
this idea that you're a superhero.

Oh. Why?

Well, it was her way of
explaining where you were,

and it seemed harmless enough to me.

- What are my powers?
- You can stop bullets and you can fly.

- Bulletproof and flying.
- 1... 2... 3!

- KIDS: Ooh!
- CHARLIE: Whoa!

- Oh, gosh, I gotta go.
- OK.

I'm going to miss them so much.

OK...

Promise me...

You will devote every ounce of
your being to taking care of them, Dan.

I promise.

- Promise me.
- I promise.

[Horns honking]

- So, you're not a superhero?
- Not at the present time.

[Honking]

Want to pick up the pace, Chachi?
We just got passed by a street sweeper.

How about putting it in drive, grandma?

There are babies on board!
Excuse me, kids.

Ooh... Who's up for
chocolate chip pancakes?

- KIDS: Me! Me!
- No chocolate chips for breakfast.

- Why not?
- Kids crave limits. It's in the books.

Hey everybody, let's kick this off
with some really healthy choices.

How about the heartland granola?

That's like nature's broom!
That's kind of wonderful.

Hey! Whoa!

- Sorry.
- It's OK, Zach.

- Here you go.
- It's an accident.

That kind of thing happens.
You have nothing to worry about.

- Hi there. How are you?
- DAN: Hi.

- DAN: Good.
- Well, hello. [Chuckling]

- What's your name?
- Rochelle.

Oh, Rochelle. [Chuckles]

Well, I didn't know they could
afford to hire supermodels here.

Hey, Pops?
Isn't being a grandparent the best?

I'm not a grandparent.

My grandkids call me "Nub-Nub."
What do your grandkids call you?

Nub-Nub's good.

WOMAN OVER PA:
Attention, Pamela's diners.

We've just been informed we have
2 new members to the grandparents' club.

[Fanfare plays]

* Hey! Seniors, seniors, seniors!
Enjoy the grand buffet!

* Seniors, seniors, seniors!
We hope you're here to stay!

* Seniors, seniors, seniors!
We like to make a fuss!

* Seniors, seniors, seniors,
every tenth meal is

* On us!

- * Seniors, seniors, seniors...
- I'll be right back.

Rochelle, Rochelle... I don't know
what happened back there.

Just a little too much
excitement for me.

Oh, no.

Oh, no, no.
This is just an accident.

Don't worry. It's nothing
to be embarrassed about.

- I'm not embarrassed.
- I'll get you something.

It's a glass of water, that's all.

One glass of water
gets my pump going, too.

Uh-huh. Uh...

DAN: Also, please tell them
we are very focused

on the golf game with Mr. Nishamura.

[Speaking Japanese]

Write that on your resume?
"Oh, I pop bubble paper."

- Would you handle them?
- ZACH: We want to Xerox our butts.

Will you excuse me for one moment?

Get off there. I'm sorry, Dan.

- What are you, a frat boy?
- I got your phone.

- Timeout.
- Ah! Timeout.

- Give that back! Yes.
- Keep-away? Are we doing this?

ZACH: Toss it to me, Emily!
Toss it to me!

Your Japanese is so terrific.

- You speak Japanese?
- Well, no.

But I don't have to speak Japanese

to see how beautiful
you are when you speak it.

Don't go out there! Don't go out there!
Come back this way.

- Yeah, I'm their favorite uncle.
- How old are they?

- How old do you think they are?
- Um...

- 7?
- 7! Yeah. You're good.

- Fraternal twins?
- Is there any other kind?

[Both laughing]

Oh, jeez. When you're around
kids as much as I am,

you got to develop a sense of humor.

- But it's rewarding, too.
- Hmm...

Do you like the beach,
"favorite uncle" Charlie?

Love!

Why don't you come
to Westport on Saturday.

I'm going to meet some friends
at their beach house.

You can even bring
your niece and nephew.

Well, I just may do that,
"beautiful translator" Amanda.

[Both laugh]

Go camping,
learn how to ride a 2-wheeler,

my first pro baseball game,
refinish a deck and surfing.

That's my Dad List.

That sounds great.
Pull up your hoods, OK?

- Put these on, all right?
- Why?

Technically, you're not supposed
to be here, let alone living here.

But we're going to have
a lot of fun. Let's go.

[Whispers indistinctly]

Dan?

Ooh! Betty. Hide! Go, go!

- Dan, is that you?
- Hey, Betty!

- Hi! You are looking good.
- You, too, baby.

[Laughing] What's all that racket?

I don't know. Maybe immigrants.
I'm not sure.

Raccoons, most likely.

No... Oh, my God, I see kids!

- No, these are my...
- I see kids!

- [Screaming]
- [Shouting]

[Siren wails]

Why don't you put them in a hotel?
They would love room service.

DAN: They'd also love a spa,
but we can't... Don't run! Careful!

- Don't touch that!
- DAN: Easy. Slow down! No running!

Watch out! A lot of expensive things...

- Are you out of your mind?
- Why?

Come on!

Listen. You're the one
that forced me into that place.

- I cajoled you, I cajoled you.
- Don't give me semantics.

Look, they're going upstairs now!

This is my crib, man!
This is where I get down.

This is where I sink the 3 points.
This is where I throw the TD.

This isn't for kids, man.

Look, that pool out there,
that's got a 15-foot deep end.

Look at this place! I got
pointy-edged furniture. I got...

Those spears probably
still have poison on them.

You don't want them in this house.

I do not lead a child-safe life, man!

It is not... not how I roll. You know?

- Charlie...
- [Sighs]

- I'm barely treading water here.
- Aw, don't...

I don't know these kids very long,
but I'm still their dad.

And they need a home. And so do I.

Right now,
you're the closest thing we got.

[Sighs]

Thanks, bro. You're the best.

OK. You went emotional and it paid off.

- Good.
- This time.

OK.

[♪ Brett Dennen: Make You Crazy ♪]

Oh, it's Vicki! Kids!

Well, first everybody thought
Dad was our grandpa.

Then he pretty much worked
the rest of the day.

[Slowly] "Everything is fine."

And he did say he was going to do
the first thing on Zach's Dad List.

That sounds promising. See?
This is gonna be great.

Here's Dad.

Hey, Vic. Didn't she sound wonderful?

- How's everything going?
- I'm OK.

Don't you worry a moment
about how things are going here

because everything's going great.

OK, you guys... lights out.

DAN: OK.

Alrighty. There you go.

- You have your creature? Good.
- I do.

- You OK?
- Mm-hm.

Good night.

I just shook my daughter's hand
good night.

I'm no good at this, Charlie.

Come on. You're trying.
That's what matters.

Thanks.

They are cute, though.

Yeah. They are when they're
in a... dormant configuration.

- [Pounding, drilling]
- [Whimpers]

MAN: Whoo-wee! Look at this, Nick!

[Drill buzzing]

- Ready for the other one?
- Don't get drill happy.

MAN: No, no, no. It's all good.

- [Drill buzzing]
- Hey!

[Tool dropping]

- What are you doing?
- Sir, it's cool.

That's Nick and I'm Gary.
We're the childproofers.

- Really?
- I'm going to need access

to all your personal drawers and stuff.

- Dan! Dan! Did you do this?
- Charlie!

- Oh, yeah.
- Did you bring them in?

- Definitely.
- Why?

You described this house as being
a dangerous place for kids,

so I hired the best
childproofers there are.

The tall guy over there,
he was a civil engineer.

What kind of a civil engineer
would be baby-proofing a house?

Failed one, sir,
I'm a failed civil engineer.

I got a lot of bad road
behind me. Lot of potholes.

That's why I'm going to be extra
vigilant in protecting your children.

They're 7. And they're his kids.

- That's true.
- That's progressive,

- and I'm all for it.
- Oh, come on!

Even I know you do not baby-proof
a house for 7-year-olds.

- Oh!
- What about the 15-foot deep end?

Sir, you got a flamethrower
for a fireplace.

- It's a fashion. It's a style.
- The spears?

What guy buys poison-tipped spears?

A thousand years ago they were poison.
I don't know if they're poison now.

You bought those a thousand years ago?

- Expect me to believe that?
- You designed this house of horrors.

You brought the kids to this house.
Stop it! Don't eat that.

Those are dog treats.

Everything tastes like dog food
after that smoked salmon I just had.

You ate the salmon?

- That was a gift.
- Yes, it was.

- You guys better pack.
- Pack?

- Why are you dressed like that?
- What do we pack for?

Camping.
That's first on my Dad List.

And we're Pioneers, so you
have to find the nearest campground.

We have 50 files of Nishamura
work to do before Saturday.

Guys, camping...
I don't think we can do it.

- ZACH: But you promised!
- DAN: I know I promised,

but I didn't realize camping involved a
camping trip, and we have to reschedule.

- ZACH: But you promised.
- Sometimes promises

- aren't written in stone.
- BOTH: But you promised!

[Inhaling] We've been a Pioneer family
for 4 generations now.

I practically grew up in these woods
following Grandpa Ted.

Gramps was troop leader 63 years ago,

and was the recipient of the
supreme Pioneer honor.

Interred for eternity...

in a tomb erected with his own hands,

right here on this...
on this very campsite.

[Shuddering]

Not in front of the kids.

Hey. Hey. Psst.

Hey! You remind me of that
old dude who stole my girlfriend.

- What?
- MAN: I promised myself...

Yeah, you. You! Mr. Wall-of-Hair.

Rick, you're a counselor here.
This is sacred ground.

- Something I got to tell you.
- The Pioneers have meant

the world to the Taylor clan.
That's who I am.

Troop leader. Patriot. TSA supervisor.

And dad. I am Barry Taylor.

- [Computer beeping]
- [Phone beeping]

Gentlemen, why don't we
put down the electronic devices,

and try to get into it a little bit?

Hmm? After all...
we're here for the kids.

Fine.

- [Phone rings]
- [Mouthing] Sorry.

Here for the kids?
What's he talking about?

OK, kids. Who wants to have some fun?

- [All cheer]
- Yeah...!

- Let's go dig a hole.
- [All cheer]

- What's your problem?
- How about we go dig a hole.

He's giving me the stink eye.

You thief. I loved her.
I loved her so much.

- What are you saying?
- My beef is not with you, old woman.

- Thank you.
- [Growling softly]

- OK, now I got it.
- He has a lot.

[Indistinct chattering]

Hey, Zach, Emily.
Why don't you get your grandpa

- to leave the office...
- [Giggling]

And come over here
and join us in the woods?

He's not our grandpa, he's our dad.

Sure, Zach. My grandpa
was like a dad to me, too.

He is, Troop Master Barry.
He's my dad, and that's his partner.

- It's like we have 2 dads!
- DAN: Just found out.

Trust me. It was a surprise.

- Been together 30 years.
- Feels like 50.

- DAN: Oh, well...
- We're soul mates, really.

You must have a best buddy.

DAN: Yeah. A pal?
Someone you can...

- Fine.
- Take care.

- Loner.
- Loner.

- Loser!
- Loser.

- CHARLIE: No bears allowed.
- ZACH: Thank you, Troop Master Barry.

- EMILY: Thanks.
- No trouble at all, kids.

You ladies ready to play
a little Ultimate Frisbee?

- I think so, Mr. Testosterone.
- CHARLIE: Yeah.

DAN: Ultimate Frisbee?
That's our game.

- Let's do this for our kids, huh?
- Yeah!

Come on, man. Let's do it.
Yeah, for the kids. Yeah, baby.

All right, let's do this.
Sports marketing!

Sports marketing! Yeah!
Make the deal. Get them!

- That's bear scat, gentlemen.
- Yeah... Yeah, it is.

- ZACH: Dad?
- Yeah?

I think "scat" is poop.

- Really, son?
- ZACH: Yeah.

- You wiped poop on my face?
- Yeah.

Scat happens, man.

[♪ Vangelis: Chariots of Fire ♪]

ALL: 1, 2, 3, 4,

5, 6, 7, 8...

[Groaning]

- [Bones cracking]
- Aah...

- [Moaning]
- [Bones cracking]

- [Whistle blowing]
- [Cheering]

CHARLIE: Go long!

- [Moaning]
- [Grunting]

- Yes! Yeah, baby!
- [Cheering]

Barry! I'm over here, I'm open!

[Grunts]

[Moans, grunts]

- Hey!
- I'm open!

- Oh!
- Get...

[Moaning]

- Sorry.
- Ow, my gums!

You get your wingman to fight
your battles for you?

- I didn't take your woman.
- I'm a man.

- I don't know your woman!
- First you steal Janice Applebaum.

- You're confused!
- Then you steal my soul.

- What?
- Now it's on, smiley.

Prison rules!

- [Mouthing] Prison rules?
- Oh, boy.

[♪ The Hives:
Hate to Say I Told You So ♪]

- Whoo! [Grunts]
- [Cheering]

- [Cackling]
- Come on, Dad. You can get up.

- [Grunts]
- Never mind.

Back, back, back, back.

- [Grunts]
- Time out.

- [Grunting]
- Ah!

- [Shouting]
- [Sound of plane diving]

DAN: Get off of me!

- [Bellowing]
- [Bones crunching]

[Gasps]

Stay down, gentle warrior.

- [Cheering]
- Ooh...

- Pull.
- [Disc whizzing]

[Disc shattering]

- Textbook double bull's eye.
- Nice, Barry.

That's how you get yourself a chest
full of merit patches. Anyone else?

Pull!

- Barry...
- I said... pull!

- [Gasps]
- [Murmuring]

[Chuckles] My bad!

- No!
- [Indistinct chattering]

- Grandpa Ted!
- We should get our merit patches

- just for being his kids.
- Sorry! How bad is it?

- Bad!
- OK.

As a result of your
little outdoor adventure,

I just want you to know
that my sciatica has flared up,

and I stink like a steakhouse.

- So thanks.
- Oh, you're welcome.

Don't mind the fact that I took

a 3-day camping trip
and shortened it to 9 hours.

- I made fire! Wow!
- Oh, no!

That's not good. Get the car ready.

Little collateral damage,
but we're back on track with the deal.

Now it's all about the golf game.
How's your back?

- Tight.
- Untighten it.

Because Nishamura uses golf
as a metaphor for life.

So if you mess that up,
it's sayonara, Nishamura.

- One of my little magic pills.
- My housekeeper happens to

arrange them in an organized
circular fashion, like so.

- Pardon-moi.
- Yes.

That's amazing.
When did we become our fathers?

Man, I'd like to see Troop Leader Barry

deal with the side effects
of even one of these puppies.

Look at this. For my aging prostate.

- Right.
- Side effects include

swollen tongue, dry mouth
and pus-filled canker sores.

- Come on.
- This is a joint anti-inflammatory.

Maximum dosage may cause bouts
of uncontrollable appetite.

That's not so bad. The munchies.
I could deal with that.

Look at this one. High blood pressure.

"Watch out for sudden loss
of depth perception."

This tiny pill lowers
your bad cholesterol.

But the first time I took it,
partial facial paralysis.

- Come on.
- I froze up like a circus clown.

- I was, like, "Ha."
- CHARLIE: You're kidding.

Yeah, like... [Mutters]

- Threw my back out.
- Man...

- How much longer we got?
- 1 week, 4 days, 9 hours.

- Mmm... Good Lord.
- God help us all.

Hey, Dad, I'm in
desperate need of a King Fontana.

- You want to play?
- My doctor says that

I can't get down on the floor,
even crouch, on a golf day.

It seems I have a genetic
predisposition to knee problems.

That means you have it, too.
So you have to be very careful.

Nick, I told you not to use epoxy.

It's going to leave a
permanent stain and an odor.

Why can't you ever
tell me I did a good job?

All right, maestro, how do I do this?

Um, OK... You want to go
quarter turn clockwise,

grab the lever, then use the
counter lever to spin 180 degrees...

EMILY: Why are you
charging that in here?

I keep getting in Dad's way.
He can't do any business in here, right?

Release like that, and voilá.

EMILY: Check if they
have kids' toothpaste.

That old people stuff burns my...

- Should we tell?
- I think I remember where they go.

ZACH: We'll put this one in...

- EMILY: This one in here.
- ZACH: Put them in here.

[♪ The Clash: Police On My Back ♪]

[Grunting]

Ooh... Mmm.

[Grunting]

What am I doing? They're guys.

[Whimpers]

OK, guys, let's go!
Are you guys still hungry?

- We just ate.
- So did you.

I know, but I'm starved.

That's weird. Hmm.

Do you have candy bars on you?
Don't lie to me.

- What's wrong with him?
- I don't know.

- Hey!
- Hey! You made it.

- We made it. Yeah.
- Can we go play?

Go ahead. There's games
over there. Check it out.

Catch you later.

- Oh!
- Wow. You got a lot of friends.

Oh, well, they're not
actually all my friends.

It's a bereavement group I belong to.

- Bereavement?
- Yeah.

My grandma passed away 6 months ago.

- I'm sorry.
- Everyone here is dealing with loss.

And then on the weekends
we have a potluck.

Potluck? Where?

Mr. Nishamura. It's an honor.

- Nice to meet you.
- You, too.

Oh.

- My son, Riku.
- Riku.

- Yeah, hey. Hey. Hey...
- Hey. Hey. Hey.

Oh! [Groans]

[Both groaning]

- Thank you.
- [Muttering]

[Gulping]

[Garbled] Tongue is swollen.

We are dedicating lunch today
to our brave Justine,

who passed away just 2 days ago.

[Garbled]
Voicemail. No! Charlie, it's me.

I think we switch peers.

I love cupcakes!

She left us a gift of one of her
world-famous rhubarb pies,

that she baked through her pain
of the last few hours of her life.

- Good mercy!
- No talk. Nishamura. Call me.

Are you ready?

That's Justine's rhubarb pie!

Where is she?
I want to give Justine a big hug.

- She's dead.
- My condolences.

She's dead!

She's dead! She's dead!
Give me it! Dead! She's dead!

That's a close second.

Ooh... Ah!

- Is my face twitching?
- You look great.

You look... great.

Charlie? Are you OK?

I am so sorry about
that whole pie thing.

It must be my blood sugar or something.

It's OK. I think I calmed them down.

Come on. We're having circle time.

- Circle time?
- It's when the whole group

gathers and shares their grief.

Oh... Guys, I'll be back.
I got to go to circle time.

- Um... Hey, Dan?
- Hmm?

How are you doing? I recently put down
$3,000 on an authentic Japanese kimono.

I just want to make sure it goes OK.

Aah... Aah...

[Retching]

Dan-San, would you like to use my club?

Is that a "yes"?

- Why is he ignoring my father?
- No, he's just really intense.

He excludes all but the game.
A focus you could learn, my son.

[Speaks Japanese]

- Ooh...
- I knew it. Oh, gosh.

Breathe. Just breathe through it.
Walk it off. Walk it off.

We're good. We're good.
Just take a shot.

It just passes, and then...
[Gasps] And then it comes back.

After 9 months of excruciating pain,

- the cancer had spread.
- We're all here for you.

- Do you think this is funny?
- He thinks it's funny.

Everybody grieves in their own way.

- That's true.
- If I don't laugh, I'll cry.

[Squawks]

The golf gods look favorably upon you.

This is a very good omen.

[♪ Dean Martin: Grazie, Prego, Scusi ♪]

That was some delicious pie.

CHARLIE: Dan, have you
seen the Nishamura file?

Hey Dad, maybe tomorrow you can
teach me how to ride a 2-wheel.

I got a lot on my mind right now.

I'm trying to focus,
finish this business deal.

Come on, Dad. You're not even trying.

I'm struggling, OK? That's like trying,
it just... without succeeding.

Oh, come on.
He unplugged the fax machine.

2 open plugs and he has
to unplug the fax machine

- to plug in his little gaming system.
- CHARLIE: Big deal. Come on.

You can't run a business
if you can't get faxes on time.

This is the reason
I didn't want to have kids.

I wasn't talking about you, Zach.

Hey, Zach.

Hey, Zach. Zach...

- Zachary!
- [Toy squeaks]

I defaced a venerated monument,
literally. Burned down a campground.

My son, for all intents and
purposes, is giving up on me.

I'm failing them everywhere I look.

Emily, one minute she
wants me to be a superhero,

- the next minute a lion, then a king.
- Then be a king, you idiot!

Be a superhero, be a lion,
be whatever she wants.

Don't you get it? She just
wants someone to protect her.

- That's it?
- Yes.

You have to be on their level.
Be like them.

You know what my dad gave me
for my 5th birthday?

- What?
- A calculator.

I don't know what it is about me

that sees you in a crisis and then
comes galloping to your rescue.

But I guess I am who I am, aren't I?

You need help connecting
with these kids?

I'm going to find you help.

- [♪ Up-tempo music playing ♪]
- [Children cheering]

[Children chanting]
Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy!

[♪ Roger: So Ruff, So Tuff ♪]

- Whoo!
- Rocked it, baby.

Ladies, beautiful as always.

- CHARLIE: Jimmy Mac!
- Charlie!

- Yeah, brother!
- What's up? Charlie, look at you!

- Meet my friend, Dan.
- Hey.

Tell me you felt it.
Did you feel it, man?

- Was it electrifying?
- Electrifying.

Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am.

Like chocolate milk coming
through the nose, baby! Yeah!

2 shows tomorrow, everybody.
So what's going on?

- I was gonna ask you a favour.
- What you need?

Remember at Wade's party
you were talking about

a human puppeteer, this mechanism?
You got that done?

When I was talking to you in confidence?

- Yeah.
- You always had that problem.

This man is in trouble. He has trouble
relating to his own children.

- Oh, my God.
- He needs your help.

With your technology, we can fix this.

- Oh, thank you.
- It's true.

Let me get this right.
You want to hire me

to take this uptight man
and make him a human puppet?

- Yes.
- I'm gonna do it for you.

- Aah!
- Everybody, chop, chop! Whoo!

- I feel so doggone good here.
- CHARLIE: All right. We're good to go.

Now, you told me that your
friend didn't know how to play.

- It's true.
- Dan, now you don't have to.

- Charlie's going to play for you.
- DAN: With this suit?

- Yes. Stick this down your pants.
- Why?

That thing will emit such a jolt that it
will literally tickle your funny bone.

- [Reverberating]
- [Whimpers]

[Beeps]

CHARLIE: This is a proper tea.

Cup. Bring it up.

Pinky.

This is awesome.

Oh, King Fontana,
I do so admire a proper gentleman.

I admire proper gentlemen, too.
I admire them very, very much.

- What?
- [Whimpers quizzically]

[Wand reverberates]

That was a good cup of tea.

Why, thank you. As princess of the land,
I have made it specially.

- It is poo-poo flavored.
- CHARLIE: She's cute.

- He didn't laugh. Make him laugh.
- Watch this.

- Laugh, puppet. Laugh, laugh.
- [Laughing uncontrollably]

"Here with my board. Have questions."

Cool. I have my board, too.

[Speaking Japanese]

[♪ Wilson Pickett:
Land of 1,000 Dances ♪]

"Nissan has been our marketing partner
in racing for many years."

[Laughs]

- [Dings]
- "Nissan is poop."

[All exclaiming]

Ah, ah.

Strong words. You suggest we sever ties?

Racecars. Cool.

"...but robots are cooler."

How could he know we're exploring
a major push in that field?

[Barks]

- [Dings]
- "This is boring. I'm leaving now."

- Fearless, this one.
- Spin him.

- Whoa!
- Spin him. Spin him again.

- [Electrical zapping]
- [Yelling]

- Too much spin.
- Yeah.

[Zapping]

I'm OK.

I told your boy not to get the
battery pack wet. He's on his own.

Sorry, Emily.

Princess?

King Fontana?

Game on.

At your service, my lady.

You know when they found you
after so many years

there were many in my kingdom
who were trepidatious.

- Really hard word.
- Oh. People were scared.

And even most regal I,
your king, was frightened.

- A king who was scared? Ha!
- I know. 'Tis to laugh. Ha...

But 'tis true.

'Tis the reason why
a king may act like a toad.

But the day your king found you,

he vowed to protect you forever.

Even though he didn't know you,
could barely speak your language,

and yes, was a little afraid...

he vowed to vanquish any and all
who would do you harm in any way.

You know that. Right, Emily?

You know I'll always be there for you.

You're my daughter,
and I will love you forever.

- Are you crying?
- No, I'm not. I'm not crying.

Jimmy Mac, you crying?
Come on, Jimmy.

DAN: Your humble servant, madam.

- OK.
- Don't let go, Dad.

This reminds me of an article
I once read in Advertising Age,

which talked about the fact
that a loss in a firm's brand assets

is negatively correlated
with increased market valuation.

I don't know what
you're talking about, Dad.

Let's talk about the fact that
you're riding a 2-wheeler on your own.

- No hands, baby! No hands!
- I'm doing it, Dad! I'm doing it!

Yeah! You're doing it.

- [Bicycle crashing]
- Oh...

[♪ Bryan Adams: Summer of '69 ♪]

Hit it!

Rookies.

There you go. That was awesome.

Hey, look! Look! That's us!

Yeah!

We were most impressed by your
knowledge of our assets base.

But ultimately,
it was your robotics idea

that pushed us over the top.

- Robotics?
- Smile and nod.

We here, at NMG, are ready
to go to the next step.

Pack your bag, Craig-San.
You're moving to Tokyo.

I've worked so hard!
It's like I've just been traded!

- We'll translate that later.
- Come on over!

- He's very excited.
- Whoo!

[♪ Shoukichi Kina and Champloose:
Jing Jing ♪]

Remember, Thursday morning,

conference call with
Nishamura and the board.

You set things up,
and we'll take it from there.

Got it. Conference call Thursday,
tee it up for the big guns.

I just want to say thanks, you guys.

Nobody's ever really believed
in me the way that you two have.

And it really means a lot to me.
You guys are like...

You're like the 2 dads that I never had.
I really appreciate it.

My 2 father figures.
I'm going to do you proud.

- All right.
- Go To.

- You don't want to be late.
- Whoo!

Look out, Japan. Here comes
some serious business.

[♪ Lifehouse: You and Me ♪]

Oh, God help us.

It was so cool, Mom.
Dad taught me how to ride a 2-wheeler,

and then we got to hang out
with the New York Mets!

Let me talk to her.
And Dad promised that he'd

do something huge
for our birthday this year.

But he won't even tell us what it is.

- Let me say hi to him.
- EMILY: OK.

Hey. I'm coming to get you tomorrow.
No arguments.

Tomorrow morning, I have
the biggest conference call

in my entire career,
but after that I'm all yours.

It's amazing. I left the kids
with you out of desperation,

but now I can't imagine
having done it differently.

Me too.

Oh, great. This is a record.

He unplugged a laptop,
BlackBerry, lamp, an alarm cl...

- Charlie!
- What?

- What?!
- Conference call.

- Let's go!
- No, no, no.

- My notes!
- CHARLIE: No time!

- In 3, 2, 1...
- Kids! In the car!

Just a second... Good...

Nishamura-San.

Please accept our
sincere apology for the delay.

We trust our colleague, Craig,
has already begun the presentation.

I'm afraid your colleague,
Craig, has not been

seen nor heard from
since the moment he arrived.

Really?

He's just a little thing.

He looks more like a little
leprechaun in a business suit.

- You can't miss him.
- Red hair...

He called me from
the Ginza his first night,

and all I heard was...
[Mimics techno beats]

Techno music... and something about
the teachings of a karaoke master.

[Techno music plays]

* Hey-hey

AI! AI! AI! [Shouts]

- Ah...
- [Nishamura] Dan-San.

I have the utmost respect for you,
but an hour delay

and a missing executive is not the way
to begin a relationship.

We will do anything
to make it work out.

We are there for you,
Nishamura-San, 24/7.

Good. That is what I hoped to hear.
So, if we are to move forward

you and Charlie are the ones
who must move here to Tokyo

and be our liaison.

That is my final and only offer.

OK... Let's do this.
Let's do this. Just do it.

- Thank you. Oh!
- Hey.

Oh! Freedom. I can smell the air again.

- How are the kids?
- Great.

- Maybe we should get going.
- OK.

[♪ Chris Isaak: This Love Will Last ♪]

I just went with the motto, "Don't
serve the time, let the time serve you."

The truth is, Dan, most of what
I was reflecting on was us.

Really?

And the way you've proven yourself
to me with the kids.

- Bless you.
- VICKI: Our kids.

- Yeah.
- Maybe you were right 2 weeks ago.

Maybe it is time to give us another try.

Really? [Laughs]

[Vicki sighs] Timing.

- Timing's perfect.
- Timing.

- VICKI: Wow.
- Wow.

VICKI: Where are they?

- Oh, my babies.
- Mom.

Oh! I missed you so much.

All right. I made you guys something.

- [Trumpeting]
- Cool!

Thanks, Mom.

Don't worry, Charlie.
I didn't forget you.

I carved you a little soap bunny.

Oh, Charlie.

I'll strike that right off
my Christmas list.

Hey, that's a thoughtful gift.
That's wonderful.

We need to discuss something,
though, as a family.

- I'll give you a moment.
- OK.

[Dog grunting]

When you reappeared in my life, Charlie
and I were in the middle of a deal

that could be the culmination
of our 30 years in this business.

But in order to close that deal...
I have to move to Japan.

What about our birthday? The big party?

I'm probably going to miss this one.

But I'm going to try really hard
and come back every 6 months.

So I'll make the next one
most likely, you know?

What about what you said 2 weeks ago?

What about trying to make us work?

I meant that. I really did. But...

But, Daddy, if you move to Japan,
who will protect the kingdom?

I know you wanted me
to be a superhero, Emily.

You all wanted me to be one.

But I'm not. I wish I could be.

I'd fly back and forth
from Japan every day.

I'm just a guy in marketing.

I'm going to go pack the kids.

I'm sorry, you guys.

- Hello. Thank you.
- May I take your bag?

Why don't we think of
this deal as our child.

- Uh-huh.
- Hello. Hi.

I know you're upset about leaving,
but we're going to fix it, OK?

We're going to find somebody
to replace Craig who's smarter,

and in 6 months to a year,
we're home. OK?

- You think?
- This time I just say to you,

"Embrace it. People love Japan."

- Want some?
- No!

- What? No?
- No. No. OK.

[♪ Pizzicato 5: Twiggy Twiggy ♪]

CHARLIE: The truth is, I probably
looked like the Joker from Batman.

But I felt bad. These poor, sad people.

Anyway, I'm the first guy
to insult a bereavement group

and still get the girl.

That's Yankee ingenuity!

Please, Charlie, show us that
facial paralysis smile one more time.

All right, do your thing, superstar.

Thank you.

The American sports market
is a minefield,

and what I'd like to do today

is draw a map
through that minefield so that...

OK, Dan. Let's get going.

- I accessed the wrong file.
- [Computer beeping]

- Dad!
- Hey, Dad.

Um... A little technical...

[Speaks Japanese]

- I can do it from my notes.
- OK.

The first market segment is, um...

Let's go.

The idea of sports to a kid...

CHARLIE: Dan, what's going on?

How could you have tanked that
meeting? The way I set you up,

you could've told them we were hiring
monkeys and they would have bought it!

That was our dream, Dan!

That was going to put us in the hall
of fame of sports marketing.

Go!

Remember that USFL account we got?
That would've been the one to tank!

- Will you please shut up?!
- Now you speak!

- You want a piece of me? Bring it!
- Bring it! Come on!

All right! Sorry.

How's this going to work out, snowball?

I don't know, man tan. You'll be OK.

You'll tap-dance your way into a
brand-new job, still date 35-year-olds.

You never grew up.
You never had to. You always had me.

[Both grumbling]

- God!
- It is small enough!

- Shut up, Charlie!
- Made for a sardine.

- I'm a big man. This is a little seat.
- Yeah, you're a big ma...

- Stop trying to change me, Charlie.
- You know I can't do that.

- Then I'm done.
- Done with taking my advice?

- Mmm-hmm.
- Late-night rap sessions?

But not done
with the time-share in Vail.

- No, I'm done with you.
- [Bell dings]

Man ON PA: Welcome aboard,
flight 9 to New York.

We got 18 hours
of flight time ahead of us,

so turn to the person next to you
and get to know them.

It's going to be a long ride.

Where you from?

The whole trip was a bust
from start to finish.

Amanda, could I call you back?

I got to pick up Lucky
from the dog hotel. I'll call you.

Where's my boy? Where's my boy?

Lucky, come here, boy.
Where's my goo-go!

Where is he?

- Where is he?
- We tried to call.

[♪ David Gray: As I'm Leavin' ♪]

[Charlie on machine]
Hello, Daniel, it's Charlie.

Thought you'd like to know that after
14 wonderful, fulfilling years together,

my true best friend, Lucky, has passed.

Maybe my life isn't as blessed
as you paint it to be.

I thought you'd like to know
that the funeral is this Tuesday

followed by a small,
tasteful reception at my house.

I'm indifferent as to whether you come.

- [Machine beeps]
- CRAIG: Gentlemen, it's Craig,

and I'm back in New York.

I know I messed up.

I take full responsibility
for the mistakes that I made.

I'm not going to beg,
and I won't call again.

The truth is that I was a preemie.

I was several weeks premature, and
there was talk of oxygen deprivation.

I'm not making excuses,
but the doctor said...

- [Machine beeps]
- Idiot.

Oh... [Sighs heavily]

You know someone a bunch of years,

and it's easy to forget
that you were fortunate enough

to have known them for even one day.

And that was Lucky, to me.
I mean, he was my friend.

He... Well, even more important,
he was my family.

And where was I when he was
breathing his last breath?

In Japan, making a business deal.

Is there anyone who would like
to say anything about Lucky

- before we say goodbye?
- DAN: I would.

I've had the great pleasure
of being the other old dog

in Charlie's life for the past 30 years.

Like Lucky,

I feel like a fortunate son of a gun
to have Charlie as a friend.

- You're so cute.
- [Dogs barking]

Here. A nice bowl of cold water.

- I'm really glad you came, man.
- Me too.

It's really important to me.

- I've said some things...
- Please, don't go there.

- I have to.
- Why?

You've always had faith in me,
even when I didn't have faith in myself.

You're not just my best friend,
you're the best kind of friend.

You're loyal, honourable...

But? See I knew there was a "but."
This is gonna sting like a mother. Go.

Aside from going into business with you,

I've only made 2 good decisions
in my entire life.

Marrying Vicki and taking those kids.

And those are the 2 most impulsive
things I've done in my entire life,

besides the tattoo, which,
God willing, I'll get over one day.

I feel another moment of Dan Rayburn
impulsivity about to happen.

Charlie, this is big.
I'm talking about uprooting,

change of scenery,
the end of the business as we know it.

Oh, Dan. We'll figure out the business.
We always do.

- Yeah, but... I have to get them back.
- Nah. Absolutely not.

We're gonna get 'em back.

Yeah. Yeah, little man.

- Out of the way. Dad on a mission.
- You guys aren't gonna regret this.

I'll do whatever it takes
to get back into your good grace...

You want to lighten up
on the throttle, Sparky?

- We got a zoo exit coming up here.
- [Tires screeching]

I'm not gonna miss that birthday party.

It's just great to get the 3 amigos
back together again.

BOTH: You're still on probation!

- DAN: No, no. That's not a lock.
- You open?

Nah. Sorry,
the zoo closes at 3:00 to new visitors.

But my kids are in there.
They're having a birthday party,

and I have to be there because I'm Dad.

Yeah. This is Dan Rayburn, superdad.

Check on your list. R-A-Y-B-U-R-N.

MAN: Superdad is super late, all right?
Rayburn? You know what?

You don't even have the same last name
as the birthday kids. Can't do it.

- How does 3 big ones sound?
- A little money, huh?

Don't you ever hand me
3 dollars again.

- Come on. You can let us...
- You already have a kid there.

- CHARLIE: It's fine.
- I can't let you in.

He's got a heart problem.
He just wants to see his kids.

- You shall not pass.
- You're great at your job, man!

Charlie, what are you doing?

What are you thinking?

Danny boy, I am going to
get you into that party,

at great risk
to my perfect legal record.

- CRAIG: Through here?
- Oh, yeah. Here we go.

- That's breaking and entering. No, no.
- Bingo!

- Don't do that.
- Wait. Let me do it.

- CHARLIE: Why?
- I'll take the risk.

OK. Go ahead.

Yeah...

- Come on. Come on.
- I got it.

- I need some help. I need help.
- [Lock snaps]

- OK.
- Go, Craig.

- CRAIG: Me? OK.
- Yeah, you first.

- [Indistinct chattering]
- What's her name?

- We made it.
- We did it!

Yeah! Can't keep Dan Rayburn out.

Never doubt you, Charlie. Never.

- We are in the zoo, guys.
- All right, which way?

A moat. I wonder what lives here.

- [All exclaim]
- We're in the gorilla enclosure.

- What?
- Stand still.

Hold still. Don't do it. Don't move.

- Gorilla. Silverback gorilla.
- Stay where you are.

Don't look at him in the eyes.
Just look away.

If you don't see him, he doesn't
see you. Back up to the tunnel.

You have to be aggressive with
the larger apes. I've read about this.

- Back up to the tunnel.
- No, no. No retreat.

- Retreat. No, retreat.
- You retreat, we are dead.

He senses fear, he attacks.
Be aggressive.

- [Howling]
- [Shrieking]

[All continue shouting]

- CHARLIE: Food!
- Don't provoke it! Charlie, no!

Aah!

- Oh!
- DAN: Charlie!

Aggression not working.
Maybe we should be submissive.

- Or run!
- Every man for himself!

Run! Go!

Come on, Danny boy.

- [Grunting]
- Uh-oh.

- [Growling]
- [Shrieks]

[Both yell]

- We're alive!
- [Chittering]

- Penguins!
- BOTH: Aw...

- I love penguins.
- Me too.

[All screeching]

- Angry penguins!
- Save yourself!

Go to your kids!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Charlie! Charlie!

- I love you, Charlie!
- Ooh!

[Whimpering]

[Softly] Help. Help.
Help. Help. Help.

Aahh...

Everybody, it's cake time.

Oh!

- Birthday parties. Which way?
- They're on Adventure Island.

But the tunnel's closed.
There's no way to get there from here.

No, no. I got to get
to that birthday party. Please.

OK.

- What are you doing?
- Some little girl

wants a superhero
to fly into her birthday party.

- Mom calls me, I show up.
- Really?

We're going to sing Happy Birthday.

- How does this work?
- You go up, you come down.

- It's not rocket science, chief.
- And it's safe?

- Aah... Sure.
- Oh.

Daddy's coming. Yeah!
Which way is the party?

- Northwest!
- You got it!

- MAN: Go for it!
- Yeah. Yeah!

Killer penguins.
Killer penguins!

- Killer penguins!
- DAN: Charlie!

Dan! What's he doing up there?

Ah, he wanted to be a superhero
for his daughter's birthday.

- He know what he's doing?
- It's like a ride. Don't worry.

Go, Danny boy!
I'm the wind beneath your wings!

There's no stopping Dan Rayburn!

Did you see a little man?
He's about yea-big.

He's got reddish hair.
He looks like a Hobbit.

[Moaning] Just go to your happy place!

- Just go to a happy place!
- BOTH: 1, 2, 3!

I can fly!

I can fly! Yes!

Happy birthday, Zach and Emily!

Look, guys, it's a superhero,
just like you wanted.

I'm coming, kids!

- Oh, my gosh! Dan?
- It's Dad!

- It's me, Fatherman!
- EMILY: Dad!

DAN: Yeah!

I knew it.

That's right, kids.
Believe what you see!

[Motor sputtering]

- Isn't enough fuel.
- Be careful!

[Screaming]

[Sings All Out of Love]

- [Growling]
- [Resumes singing]

I'm so sorry.
I just wanted to make an impact.

Mission accomplished.

I'm not that bad. It doesn't hurt.
I don't need to go to the hospital.

I just need to go home and sleep it off.

- You want to go home?
- Yeah.

You're in Burlington.
You know that, right?

I know that.
I rented a house a half mile from here.

You moved here?

Look, I know
I loused it up for us romantically

when I chose Japan over you.

And after what happened in South Beach,
that's pretty much unforgivable.

But these guys
weren't around in South Beach.

Good timing or bad timing, I love them.

I moved here so,
whether they want to visit me or not,

I could be closer to them.

I'm not a superhero, kids.
Maybe that's a good thing

because, you know, superheroes
are always off fighting crime.

And I just want to be with you guys...

forever, if you'll let me.

Deal.

You're on my oxygen!

Aah! [Laughs]

[Snoring]

- [Growling]
- [Shrieking]

CHARLIE: Long story short,
he gets the kids, he gets his wife.

And Nishamura calls and says,

"We want a family man
to represent a family business."

Boom, $47 million in fees later,

here we are on my best friend's boat
going to Aruba.

That is a true story. I mean, come on.

Well, it's a good thing
you brought us down here

because the high seas are a
dangerous mistress for these children.

Excuse me. What are you doing
to my boat? Oh, the safety squad? Why?

It's my kid, OK? The fruit of my loins.
And you just relax, OK?

We're going to fix this boat
so it's safe for her.

DAN: Your baby's only 3 months old!

- [Moaning]
- Nick!

- [Choking]
- This is not a Sizzler!

All right, so 2 weeks.

Keep the office running smooth
until the big guns get back.

- That'll be my sole scope of work.
- Now, Craig,

no more karaoke. You are cut off.

Not even in your own house.
You can do it.

- Go To! We're gonna miss you, Go To.
- Hey, you guys are using my nickname.

- Oh...
- GARY: Nick?

Listen. Are you good at puzzles?

VICKI: Everybody take their
seasickness pills? Come on, guys.

GARY: Wow. Should we tell?

I think I remember where they go.

Yeah.

All right, we got the bags stowed below.
Seasickness pills

have been distributed.
Let's just get one bon voyage photo,

and then
we're ready to shove off, folks.

All right,
everyone get together for a picture.

Big smiles. Let's look real happy.

- CHARLIE: Today, Craig.
- VICKI: Got it?

Maybe not quite so happy.

[Camera clicks]

[♪ Pete Townshend:
Let My Love Open the Door ♪]

[camera clicks]

[Pete Townshend:
Let My Love Open the Door]