Oh, Mr. Porter! (1937) - full transcript

I want to go to Birmingham
and they're taking me on to Crewe

Oh, Mr Porter,
what a funny man you are

And as the managing director
of this railway,

I have pleasure in asking the wife of
the Minister of Public Communications

to christen our new engine.

I now christen you the Silver Link.

As Minister of Public Communications,
on behalf of my wife and myself,

we wish to place on record the pride...

..we feel in being selected...

..to perform this ceremony.

In all the years I've been in office...



..I can recall...

..no happier occasion...

No, no, no. Don't stop him.
The work of the railway must go on.

That's all right. I'll listen to you.

- What's our Willie doing here?
- Come here, my man.

So you're a wheel tapper, eh?

That reminds me of a story
about a wheel tapper.

He'd been tapping wheels for 40 years.

One day, somebody asked him why he
tapped a wheel and guess what he said.

He said, ''I'm blowed if I know.''

He'd been tapping wheels for 40 years
and didn't know why!

You'll only think me a little stupid

but why do they tap them?

Oh. Well, er...
Well, you see, it's like this, madam.



If I tap the wheel with a hammer
and hear a clang,

then I know the wheel's there, you see.

Yes, but supposing it doesn't go clang...

Well, then I know the train's gone.

- That's the lot.
- Thanks.

- Dark trousers with white pinstripe!
- Here.

Ditto. Cleaning number 1-34-9.

Those are mine.

I've never been so humiliated!

My own brother,
a common wheel tapper!

- But, my dear...
- Can't you get Willie a better position?

- But we've tried him in everything.
- Then I shall insist he resigns.

- You mean leave us altogether?
- Certainly.

- He doesn't need to do that.
- No, he could do other things.

- Exactly. He can come and live with us.
- What? In our house?

Better that than tapping wheels.

- But...
- My mind is made up.

He gets a decent job or he lives with us.

- Yes, but...
- Undo that thing and don't argue!

Don't be hasty.
I'll see the superintendent at once.

That's more like it. I'll go and fetch Willie.

I daren't, sir. He should be fired.
The board hates incompetence.

But if he's fired,
my wife's going to have him live with us!

Oh, life wouldn't be worth living.

- You have my sympathy.
- Sympathy's no good. I need help.

Have you any special position
in mind for him?

No, so long as
it has the semblance of promotion.

Would it matter if we sent him
very far away?

- The farther, the better.
- Let me see.

Come on, Willie.
There's nothing to be nervous about.

I'm not. I've been here before.

- I hope you've explained the situation.
- Well, I was just...

It does not conform with our dignity
to have a relative tapping wheels.

- We've never had a tapper in our family.
- There was Uncle Joe.

You were meant to be sorting parcels.
What were you doing on the line?

After checking 200 Stilton cheeses,
I needed some fresh air.

- You've never given him a chance.
- We've tried him in many capacities.

What positions has he held?

In 1934, we made him chief coupler
at Miggleswick

- and you know what you did there.
- Yes, I coupled.

Yes, a coal train to the Scotch express.

I did nothing of the sort! I did not couple
the coal train to the Scotch express.

I coupled the express to the coal train.

Fancy a man of Willie's intellect
coupling trains!

On Derby day, 1935,
we put you on the indicator board.

- Yes. Quite right.
- You sent 12,000 racegoers

to a temperance convention in Wales.

- Did you hear about that too?
- Yes, from 12,000 racegoers.

- Charles!
- Yes, my dear.

Either Willie gets promoted or...

What vacancies are there?

- One for a sleeping-car attendant.
- He'd be up too late.

- A guard for a milk train.
- That'd get me up too early.

- That's all there is.
- Come on, Willie.

There must be something.

We've offered him two posts!
What does he want?

Just a minute.

Have you got any stationmasters?

London terminus, I suppose?

- Oh, no, no. I'll work my way up.
- Well, there aren't any vacancies.

See what I'm up against? Victimisation.

- That's the one job I know I can do.
- What's this?

It's just come in.
A place in Ireland called Buggleskelly.

There's a place in Wales called
Llanfogwhyllwhylantysiliogogogogola.

They want a stationmaster
at Buggleskelly. Excuse me one minute.

Mr Leadbetter, I thought we'd filled that
stationmaster post at Buggleskelly.

Yes, sir, but it's vacant again.

Don't know, sir. We've sent them
five stationmasters in 12 months.

What happened to the last one?

I'll read you his letter.
Sounds a bit queer.

''Sir. Since coming here, I have
discovered I am Napoleon Bonaparte.

''Since you won't transfer me
to Waterloo, I resign.

''PS. Forward all mail to Moscow.
I intend to retreat there.''

Extraordinary. And the one before him,
why did he leave?

No idea, sir.
But I remember we sent a wreath.

- Sounds the very place.
- Can I have it?

- You've got it.
- It's rather off the beaten track.

- Oh, as long as it's near the railway.
- Let me see.

Here's our line,
running through Northern Ireland

and here is Buggleskelly...

Would you mind?

Thanks.

What a grand clock
you have there, mister.

It was a present from my staff
when I left London.

What might the inscription be?

''To William Porter,'' - that's me -

''from his colleagues on his promotion
to stationmaster at Buggleskelly.''

What's that he said?

This gentleman is the new stationmaster
at Buggleskelly.

- Poor man. And him a stranger.
- Why? What's wrong with it?

You're a brave man. No chick nor child
o' mine'll walk abroad there after dark.

- Is it damp or something?
- Did you ever hear of one-eyed Joe?

- I never follow greyhounds.
- Follow?

You'll be a lucky man
if Joe never follows you.

He was murdered by the railway,
so he was.

In the old days, he was a rich man
and a miser too.

He owned the mill on Pooker Hill.
You should be able to see it from here.

One day, the railway came along
and ran a tunnel right through the hill

without by-your-leave or nothing.

He should have sued them.

He cursed the tunnel. He swore that any
train entering it should never come out.

That would mess up the timetables.

The first train that came along, there
stood one-eyed Joe, his arms upraised.

''Hold back,'' he cried.

- But the driver rode straight on.
- Over cock-eyed Joe?

And the next morning,
his body was found on the line.

And every night,
when the moon gives light,

The ghost of the miller is seen

As he walks the track
with a sack on his back

Down to the Black Borheen

And the mill wheels turn
though the night is still

And the elf lights flash
from the ruined mill

He haunts the station, he haunts the hill
and the land that lies between!

- Buggleskelly.
- Oh.

- Oh. That's your... Pardon.
- Thanks.

Hey, it says two miles to Buggleskelly.

- I can't help it.
- How do I get there?

Walk. Follow this road
around Pooker Hill

past the witch's oak,
drop down into Hell's Collar.

- I only asked a civil question.
- The station's in front of you.

- Thank you. Good night to you.
- Goodbye to you.

Well, you're the funny-looking bird.

Why you, you flat-faced pullet!

Next train's gone!

- The next train's gone.
- What do you mean? That's nonsense.

- It's like saying the last train hasn't...
- What?

- Well, gone... Come out and let me in.
- Come out? At night?

- Not me.
- Hey, hey, hey.

- There you are.
- You here again?

I haven't been away yet! You're
keeping me out of my own station.

Phew.

Phew. What a station.

- Look at that.
- Officious, ain't you?

- No disobedience. Who are you?
- I'm Harbottle.

Deputy stationmaster when there isn't
a stationmaster which is often.

Well, there's one now, see.

- Where?
- Here. I'm a stationmaster.

- Where's your presentation clock?
- How did you know I'd got one?

They all bring 'em.
Bung it with the others.

They look lovely when they're new.

''William Porter.'' Ah, another William.

- That was William O'Shea. Poor Bill.
- Why? What happened to him?

- They put him away. Had to.
- Oh.

Mick Maguire. Well, why did he leave?

Nobody knows. Went out after dark.
Never seen again but we heard him.

- At least Albert did.
- Who's Albert?

- He stands in for me.
- Which is his clock?

- He hasn't got one. He's still alive.
- Give me that!

- Why not put it with the others?
- They're tombstones!

- What's that?
- If it's two howls and a toot, it's Albert.

He's not afraid of the dark.

No, he plays with the pixies.

Oh, does he? Well, all that's
going to stop from now on.

Here's your supper, Jeremiah.
Mine ready?

- What's he want?
- New stationmaster.

- Got a nasty cough, hasn't he?
- Never mind my cough.

Show a little more respect to
your superiors. And put that back!

And take your cap off!

And you! What have you got there?

- My supper beer. Have some?
- Certainly not!

This place is far too free and easy.

A stationmaster doesn't hobnob with his
staff. You keep your place, I'll keep mine.

What is it? Bitter?

Move over. I want to come out.

You'll have to wait.
I've got to empty this cow.

Hey, who does she belong to?

- Who? Her? She's ours.
- Oh, yes?

I suppose that's her name, is it?

- Something burning?
- Albert's cooking the breakfast.

Smells more like
somebody cooking Albert.

- I think I'm going to like Buggleskelly.
- In the daytime.

You've got a big cheese here.

Yeah, this is where you sit.

Thank you.

- Where did this come from?
- Doesn't it say?

No, it just says where it's going to.

What's the idea?!
This doesn't belong to you.

Well, we haven't had any pay
since we came to Ireland.

We can't starve so we borrow things.

Borrow? You mean
you steal things from the railway.

It's not stealing.
It's living off the country.

Danish. Not particular
which country either, are you?

- We paid for that.
- What did it cost?

- A ticket to Belfast.
- A what?!

- It's how we get everything.
- Good, innit?

So you've been getting goods
by giving away company tickets.

It's absolutely dishonest!
You're in a position of trust.

If the company checked up on you,
you'd be in a fine mess.

- That's right.
- It isn't right.

- In future make sure tickets come back.
- How?

Give them return tickets.

Mmm. Nice piece of bacon, this.
Danish too?

- No, home-grown.
- Have some sauce.

- Go on. Somebody in the shop.
- It's his turn.

Don't keep customers waiting!

- Murphy wants his pigs.
- Well, give them to him.

- Can't. Not now.
- Not now? He can have them anytime.

- Well, not all of them.
- Not all of them? Well, why not?

- Where did you get this bacon?
- That's right.

That's a nice state of affairs!

You not only steal company goods
but you pinch from customers.

- Who'll tell him?
- You're the stationmaster.

That's not my duty. A man comes back
for his pigs and what does he find?

- Finds you've eaten them.
- How was I to know?!

- Somebody better tell him.
- Well, I'll tell him.

I shall report this to the company.

Disgraceful. Sitting there like
a pair of pigs eating... You're cannibals!

- Er, good morning.
- There you are.

- How can I help you, Mr...
- Murphy and I wants me pigs.

Have you got your voucher?
Are you sure you left them here?

Of course I am! Let's have 'em.

They've been here a while.
You should have come sooner.

It's been cold and pigs are only human.

- My wife had quins.
- Like that woman in Canada?

Have you got two pigs o' mine or not?

Well, as a matter of fact, I...

I won't keep you a moment.

- What, here? Alive?
- Yes.

Where are they?
I thought you said we'd eaten them.

Would you come and identify
your property, Mr Murphy?

There you are.

It says two here. Whose is the other one?

- Him. There were six.
- Ah, yeah...

Let me congratulate you. Your pigs
have had a visit from the stock.

Seems they've had one from
the butcher too. Where's the rest?

- The litter?
- Oh, we'll clear it up.

- I mean the little pigs.
- Oh, this?

But you don't call one a litter, do you?

- Patsy-Jane farrows at least seven.
- She can't keep it up all the time.

- I wants my property.
- Take it. Two pigs, it says.

- And my litter. 'Tis the law of nature.
- But not of the railway.

What doesn't go in, can't come out...

What you don't put in, you can't take out.
See for yourself.

''The company is liable...
in the aggregate...

''negligence...more than...
if it's left on the premises.''

You see. You left two pigs.
Plain as a pigstaff.

- I'll sue the company.
- I'm sorry but rules are rules.

I'm acting within the litter...
the letter of the law.

I'll settle with you!

- Well, you can settle this bill.
- Bill? What for?

- For the keep of two pigs, 15 shillings.
- What?!

But I'll take the small pig in settlement.

So you not only steal me pigs,
you charge me 15 shillings for it!

You can't break company rules.

I will break
something belonging to the company...

Hello?

- Has he gone?
- No.

This is the station.
What can I do for you?

What's that? A fire? Where?

- At the farm?
- Whose farm?

- Good gracious.
- What are you on about?

What? The haystack's gone?
And the barns?

- Whose barns?
- Oh, dear. And the house?!

- Whose house?
- Yours!

How's Mrs Murphy and the quins?

Here, what was all that about?

Never you mind. You send
those pigs back to Murphy's farm.

If you see a stork, throw something at it.

- What's that?
- Oh, the express.

- A train?! When?
- 10 minutes but it won't stop.

- It will!
- It only stops at important stations.

In future, this will be an important
station. It's going to stop today.

Well, I... Don't just sit there.
There's a train coming!

Tidy up the place a bit! Go on.

- Get those things off the line.
- It ain't a thing. It's a melon.

- Take the washing down.
- It's not dry.

We're a station, not a laundry!

You'll cop it for stopping a train
for no reason.

I'm stationmaster!
If I want a train to stop, it stops!

The gate! Where's the wheel
that opens that gate?

- Is the gate opening?
- No.

- Opening now?
- No.

- I've turned this wheel four times.
- That wheel don't work.

- You mean I've broken my back...
- You have to open it by hand.

Well, why didn't you say so?

Albert, come and undo this padlock.

- We lost the key.
- How do you open it?

- You lift it off the hinges.
- Oh...

You go and open the other one.

Oh, the signal.

'Ere! 'Ere, 'ere! Easy with my tomatoes.

What do you think this is?
Kew Gardens?

- I brought these up by hand.
- Well, they're coming down by foot.

- Put that back!
- Leave me alone!

- What do you make o' that at all?
- It's a distress signal.

Whoa, laddie.

What are you stopping my train for?

- I'm the new stationmaster.
- What about it?

- I thought we'd make acquaintance.
- What?!

I don't want my train held up every time
some dirty little halt changes staff.

- Don't say that about my station!
- Station? It's a dump.

- No decent train'd stop here.
- They're going to!

Dirty indeed! It's as clean as your train.

- Take your hands off my train!
- Take your feet off my platform.

- Can't you move up a bit?
- No.

- Can't you move up a couple of yards?
- Go away.

- A couple of inches, then?
- What's the trouble?

Look at my pants!

They're as dirty as when he took 'em off.

- Right away.
- Wait!

You can't tell him that.
I'm the stationmaster!

- All aboard for Ballyhooley, Ballykelly...
- Go on.

Stay there. When I'm ready. All aboard
for Ballybuggle...and other bally places.

- You don't know where it goes.
- I wash my hands of it after here.

All right, push off.

He goes when I say. Go ahead.

- I don't want any impertinence from you.
- You big floppy misfit. Get a proper hat.

What does he mean, a proper hat?

Your station smells like a dustbin.
It isn't even on the map.

- You guard, you!
- Black thief!

Four-eyes! And you mind you stop here
next time or there'll be trouble!

Huh!

Not on the map indeed.

Sauce!

Oh, well.
Maybe it could do with a coat of paint.

Hey! You knocked those up?

- No, they got out at the wrong station.
- Oh, all right.

Well, don't stand there! Shell some peas.

Post! Another for the stationmaster.
What are you doing to the station?

Putting it on the map. Guv'nor's idea.

- Harbottle?
- Eh?

That's wrong. There are two Ls in Kelly.

- Can't have that. 13 letters. Unlucky.
- Oh.

Well, take one of the Ks out.
Nobody'll notice.

You're wasting your time.

- What's that?
- You're wasting your time.

- What are you doing there?
- Watching you wasting your time.

- You waste yours and I'll waste mine.
- What are you burying?

I'm burying nothing. I'm planting lobelia.

- You're wasting your time.
- Why?

You won't be here when they come up.

- Won't he go away? Is he a relation?
- No, but we go out with the same girl.

Well, let's ignore him.

You go and wait by the office
in case my Belfast call comes through.

You're wasting your time!

All right, I'll buy it. What is it?

- There was no wind last night.
- What's that got to do with me?

Yet the sails of the windmill
went round and round and round.

Good day to you!

- What are you doing?
- Taking a bit of chocolate.

- What do you think the slot's for?
- To blow down if the kick don't work.

I'll tell you something.
Telephone's ringing.

Get out of it!

- Hello?
- Belfast here. You called. Who is that?

- This is Buggleskelly.
- What's that?

Buggleskelly.

B for Basket. Eh? What? Who did?

I did not!
Buggleskelly is the name of my station.

Oh, it's you again. What is it this time?

All right, I'll put you through to Mr Brock.

Mr Brock.

Yes?

Porter? Where?

I'm not a railway porter. I'm Porter
the stationmaster. No, not both.

I'm Stationmaster Porter at Buggles...
On your railway.

What now? You've had
200 posters and 50 gallons of paint.

What have you got there? A circus?

Oh, you want to run an excursion.
Where to?

There must be
a lot of nice places in Ireland.

There's Kilkenny,
where the cats come from.

And Connemara, with all the bogs.

There's Limerick, home of poetry.

Limerick...
There was a young lady of Gloucester...

- How many tickets could you sell?
- What shall I say?

- Whose sweetheart double-crossed her.
- Whose... What?

The young lady from Gloucester.

I'll kick that one tooth of yours out,
you old fool.

No, not you. How many people
would go to Connemara?

- The party from the church.
- The church party.

- The girl at the post office.
- The post office staff.

- And my bird.
- And his bird. Get out of it!

I can't give you the exact number

but in rough figures,
I should say quite a lot.

Oh, I should think
two carriages would be enough.

Oh, there's one other little thing
we shall want. An engine. Thank you.

- What rolling stock have we got?
- Coal trucks.

Not coal trucks. I mean carriages!

- We ain't got any carriages.
- Oh, go and play with your Plasticine.

There's an old carriage
but I doubt it'll roll.

Everything here is either too old
or it won't work! And you're both.

Roll, the pair of you.

- Here y'are.
- Yes...

- We get it out from among those trucks.
- That's right.

- What is?
- We get it out from among those trucks.

- I just said that.
- I know.

Well, get your coats off and get to it!

- We shall need Gladstone.
- What?

- You don't know who Gladstone is.
- The man with the bags?

- Gladstone's our engine.
- Why didn't you say you had an engine?!

Show me. Albert, oil those wheels.

- Haven't got an oil can.
- Get one out of the cruet.

There she is. Isn't she a beauty?

- What is it? The Rocket?
- That's Gladstone. Lovely lines, eh?

- Does it go?
- How do you think it got here?

Well, maybe that stork brought it.

Wait a minute. Let me go first.
She knows me.

- Why the decorations?
- Relief of Mafeking.

Blimey. You just heard of it?

- Where's the self-starter?
- She has to be on the boil.

Well, come on, do something about it.

- Oh, good morning.
- Got a match?

There you are.

- I'll start her.
- The hand must point to 80 first.

- How do you get it to 80?
- Stoke her.

- Where's the coal?
- In the scuttle.

- Not enough to boil an egg.
- There's wood in the tender.

You can't destroy these!
They're company property.

Destination boards.
Belfast, Tipperary, Dublin...

- Cheltenham? You can burn that one.
- Oi!

I've oiled it, but I don't see
how you'll get the carriage out.

- We're going to shunt it out.
- Those trucks shouldn't even be there.

I know that, they've got to be shifted.
Come on.

Now, look here.
There's the carriage there.

Turn out your pockets, Albert.

Now, that'll be the line of trucks there.

And this is the siding, innit?

That's the station.
You're on the wrong side! Get over here.

Now, then. Let's see. Where were we?

There's Gladstone. These are the trucks.
How do we get the carriage out?

- If we had a crane, we could lift it.
- A crane?!

With dynamite, we could blow it out!
You shut up too.

- Now, I'm Gladstone.
- No, I'm Gladstone.

We can't have two Gladstones.

Then I'm not going to play.

That's the...

You've got me all mixed up now.
Show us, clever clogs.

- I say Gladstone's here.
- How can Gladstone be there?!

Whoa!

- Stopped.
- Has it?

We've got to stop Gladstone too!

Come on, don't let it get away from you!

Hurry up!

Don't let it get away!

Go on! Hurry up!

Go on, stop her!
Harbottle, run on the sleepers!

Albert, get ahead of it and head it off.
Go on! Don't let it...!

Good morning, gentlemen.

Just a staff drill in case
one of our engines ever got away.

- You'll be the new stationmaster.
- I am...

We represent local tradesmen
and we want some trains!

Oh, trains?
Oh, yes, we've got plenty of them here.

- But the devil if one of them stops.
- What? You mean ''didn't stop''.

Why, we had a train stop here on...
Tuesday.

- Where do you want to go?
- To the places listed on them tickets!

- All of them?
- No less.

We've supplied goods to them tickets'
value. Give us trains or our goods back.

That's nonsense.
We don't demand our journeys back.

- Hold on there.
- We'll ask your head office. Good day.

Oh, gentlemen, wait a minute.

I didn't say I wouldn't do it.

In fact, I'm making up a special now.
I'm just waiting for the OK.

Oh, excuse me, my engine.

- Could you come back tonight?
- What?! At night?

We will not!

I'm busy now. Where could I see you?

- You know Barney's Bar?
- I know Barney's bull. Oh, yes, the local.

I'll see you there. But just now, I've got
some shunting to do, so I'll shunt off.

There's the signal. Hold tight.

Funny. How did that happen?

- Do you know where those trucks went?
- Yes, down there.

- We've got the carriage anyway.
- But you better get it off the mainline.

The express'll be here any minute.

Well, what are you waiting for? Go on!

Why won't it start?
Do something! Pull some levers!

You've gone and let all the steam out.

We can make some more
when we want it.

Yes, but we want it now.
The carriage is still on the mainline.

Well, don't stand dithering there.
Get out and push.

'Ere, wait a minute.
Wait a minute. I'm coming.

'Ere, wait a minute.
Wait a minute. What day is it?

- It's our last if we don't get this shifted.
- It's the 19th.

''On April 19th, summertime will start.
Adjust your clocks.''

See, we got lots of time.

Correct... That's addressed to me.
Why are you opening my letters?

- To tell you who it's from.
- In future, you leave my letters alone!

''To adjust the service, the 11 o'clock
express will run at 12 o'clock.''

- What's the hurry? We've got two hours.
- How come?

The clocks go back an hour
and the train's an hour late.

No, the clocks go forward and the train
back. The express is due any minute.

- How can it be if it's an hour late?
- It's summertime.

He's potty. Summer or winter,
if a train's late, it's late.

- But the clocks go forward.
- Then the train's gone!

- No, no, the clocks go back.
- You take an hour off the end of the day.

- No, off the beginning.
- That's wintertime!

- Wintertime you put 'em back.
- I said that!

You said you put it back in summer.
If the clocks go forward, the train's early.

You put the clocks back not forward
and you put the train back.

- I see. You put everything back.
- Yes.

- Sorry. You're right.
- The train's two hours away.

That's your fault. I said
we should have put the clocks forward.

- What are you doing?
- A trick. Fill 'em up and I'll show you.

I bet you would.

- Sold any tickets for the excursions?
- No.

- Well, sell some.
- Nobody wants to go to Connemara.

- You've not sold them in the right way.
- All right, you have a go. Double one.

- It's been a nice day.
- It has that.

Connemara would be nice today.
You know Connemara?

- Indeed I do. I have an uncle there.
- Have you? Have a drink.

Thanks. I'll have a pint of porter.

- Grand old place, Connemara.
- It is that.

- Salmon in the river.
- Grouse on the moor.

- Deer in the hills.
- Mischief in the town.

Oh, your health.

So you've an uncle in Connemara?

I'm running an excursion there
tomorrow.

- How about a surprise visit?
- That wouldn't surprise him.

- Why not?
- He's in the cemetery.

You're wasting your time!

You frozen-faced old...
Oh, good evening, gentlemen.

- Now, what about it?
- Eh? Oh, yes, yes.

Regarding the matter of your tickets,
I have a solution.

Forget solutions.
Have you got our trains?!

In a way.
Perhaps not trains, but I've got a train.

I've arranged an excursion for you.

I'll give you new tickets
in exchange for your old.

An excursion? Will it be
after visiting all the places on our list?

I couldn't guarantee that.
The excursion is to Connemara.

Connemara? Where's that?

What? Connemara? Well, it's...

You er, go down the line
and take the first tunnel on the left.

- And my ticket to Tipperary?
- It's a long way to Tipperary.

- The reason we're going to Connemara...
- It's Ballybunion I want to be at!

Perhaps later. Now, Connemara...

If you ask for turnips in my shop,
I don't try to give you carrots.

I'm asking for Tipperary.
That's where I want to go.

Don't get excited, don't get excited!

If you really want Tipperary,
perhaps I can alter the excursion.

- That sounds reasonable.
- Reasonable?!

- My ticket's for Ballybunion!
- Just trying to please. Tell him.

The gentleman said Tipperary.

To blazes with Tipperary
and Ballybunion! What about my Cork?!

We're going to Ballybunion,
the finest place in Ireland.

Are you going to stand for that?

It's the finest place in the world,
and that down your throat!

- What do you say to that?
- As if Connemara weren't bad enough!

What's that you said about
my home town, Connemara?

- You keep out of this.
- He can't talk to you like that!

And neither can you!

Look what he's done to your beer.

- Would you step this way?
- I'd be delighted.

- Go on, tread on the tail o' me coat.
- All right, knock that off.

Double ones again.

And I come from Dublin.

So you'll sort me out, will you?

Sit down.

- I'm sorry, I can't...
- Sit down!

I was about to send for you, Mr Porter.
Take a drink.

- As a matter of fact, I...
- Take a drink!

Here's long life to you, Mr Stationmaster.

Same to you, Mr...
I didn't catch your name.

- Call me Joe.
- Joe, yes.

What's this train you've got tomorrow?

It's a little idea I had.
Special excursion to...

- Going east or west?
- Both. East going, west coming back.

- It's going to Connemara.
- Pe_ect. How many tickets have gone?

Oh, let me see now...

- Have you sold any?
- No.

- Right, I'll take the lot.
- What? The whole 200?

- You must have a large family.
- Oh, no, it's for a football team.

The Buggleskelly Wednesday.
We're playing a match.

What, on a Tuesday? How funny.

- What about the money?
- What?!

- Just a formality.
- I'll pay when I come back.

- Win or lose?
- Yes, and I want that train at 6am.

Impossible. My trip's not running till 10.

That's too bad. The deal's off.

Don't say that.
I'll see that it runs early for you.

- And er, how about the doings?
- That'll be all.

Don't forget. Six o'clock in the morning!

Six o'clock? Yes.

Er, good night. Good luck
to the Tuesday, er, the Wednesday.

- Come on, what's all this?
- He's drunk and he's out!

What are they doing
with my station trolley?

That's how he gets home.
Albert pushes him.

- Who's going to push him tonight?
- It looks like you are!

Pardon.

Hey, Harbottle. Albert, get up, get up!

- Help me get this train away.
- Hey!

Is it right that
you're starting the train now?

Of course.
The passengers are due any minute.

Get a move on. Get in your cab.

Oh, good morning, gentlemen.
Tickets, please.

Morning. Tickets, please. Good morning.

Good morning, sir.
Tickets, please. Morning.

Ah. Good morning, sir. Tickets, please.

All aboard for fast,
nonstop special express,

dining car, saloon train to Connemara!

All aboard! Tickets, please.

Oh, I've got them. You can't take
luggage like that on an excursion.

- Those are the goalposts.
- That's all right, then.

I say, what's in that?

- Those are lemons for half-time.
- Oh, I see.

- Here, don't put that on the rack.
- Ready?

- Sure.
- Let her go.

Hey, you, come here.

Why are we waiting?
Have you got to do all that?

Oh, yes. Very important. Still, if you're in
a hurry, you could clip them on the way.

Take care of yourselves!

Hello, Bracken. This is Buggleskelly,
reporting excursion away.

There's nothing under my schedule
for four hours.

I don't care about your schedule.
Expect my excursion any minute.

Hey, hey, come on! Get up!
Get out of it! Come on!

Get up! Fancy lying in bed at this time.

Get up. What do you think it is?
A rest-home?

- What's the idea?
- I'll show you what the idea is.

I'm not running this station by myself.
See this clock? Sleeping to this hour!

Come on, get up. Come on.

- Our day don't start till eight.
- It starts when mine starts.

Your hours must conform
to the prescri...the...

You get up when I tell you! Go on.

Whoo! Yoo! Whoo!

Here, what are you doing?!

I'm doing everything!
I had to get that train off by myself.

- What train?
- Yeah, what train?

- The one that's just gone.
- Last train was Tuesday.

- You'll say I'm talking rubbish next.
- I'm saying it now.

I never heard no train go out.

You were in no state to hear anything.

I'll attend to that.

Hello? Stationmaster, Buggleskelly, here.

What's this train that's left your place?
It has not!

It left here at six o'clock.
I looked at our clocks.

You sure you haven't seen it?
Oh, well, maybe it's had a puncture.

What do you mean, am I sure it left?
Of course. Don't talk to me like that!

You let me tell you... Hello? Hello?

Oh.

Hmm...

- Bracken Junction hasn't seen the train.
- There never was one.

I know a train when I see one!

- Even after a night at Barney's Bar?
- I suppose there were passengers too.

Of course. The Buggleskelly Wednesday
football team.

Our only team is the Swifts
and they won't go without me.

- I'm their centre forward.
- Do me a favour.

Before the express comes,
nod off on the rails.

- If it's one of your trains, it won't hurt.
- Listen!

I clipped all the tickets and
the clippings'll be on the platform now.

Hello?

Look, I've held the down express for
four minutes. Has your train come back?

He's held up the express.
What do I tell him?

Tell him to let it through.

You tell him.

Hello. Let the express through.
The excursion doesn't leave till ten.

- Oh, the old man? He had a thick night.
- Yes!

OK. Suits us.

Says he's going to report him.

- Poor old guv'nor.
- He's going like the others.

There'll be another clock here soon.

'Ere, we better humour him.

The clippings are not there now.

- Of course they're not.
- Well, they were. Must have blown away.

- Of course they must.
- I'm not barmy!

Of course you're not!

I saw that train off at six.
Don't say, ''Of course you did.''

- Where is it now?
- Bracken.

- We'll soon know.
- Why?

Go on, tell him.

- If you had a drain...
- And a rabbit went down it.

- But you weren't sure.
- What would you do?

- Get a plumber. What about the train?
- You bung a ferret in.

- What? In my train?
- If it comes out with blood on its nose...

Somebody's punched it
and that'll happen to you.

- If it comes out with no blood on it...
- Then the rabbit isn't there.

What are you talking about?
What rabbit is this?

- An allegorical rabbit.
- A what?

- What's it got to do with my train?
- Your train's a rabbit.

- What's the ferret?
- The express.

- He let it through.
- What? You let the express through?!

If there's any blood on my train's nose...

Get out of the way.

- Did you see any blood?
- Not a drop.

Tell 'em about the football team.

- The one that left this morning.
- What team?

- The man bought their tickets.
- What man?

- In the back room.
- That's my room.

- There'd be nobody in there.
- What's wrong with you lot?

You know very well...
No, I can see you don't.

We fixed up sending away
Buggleskelly Wednesday.

- I expect there's no such team.
- I never heard of it.

They went on my excursion.
You remember me selling the tickets.

I do not.

Was anybody here last night?

I can see you were.
You must have seen me.

I was busy with two other fellas.

- You admit there was a fight.
- There was an argument.

It was then I went and met this man.
He'd got one eye.

One eye? Did he say who he was?

No, but he told me to call him Joe.

One-eyed Joe, the miller!

He went with the party on the train.

The train! He's seen that too.

Of course I have. I waved it out!
Why? What's the matter?

You've seen the miller.
You're no company for the likes of us.

What's the idea of all this?

The mill wheel turns
though the night is still

He haunts the station, he haunts the hill

And the land that lies between!

A house agent, is he?
I want his name and address.

He was took by a train ten years ago.

Yes, and he was took to my train
this morning.

Don't be talking about such things
in this house.

Let sleeping ghosts lie.

I'll stand for ghosts carrying their heads,
but not goalposts.

I want my train back. Come on.

No, we're not coming.
They're open in half an hour.

- Hey...
- I know, I'm wasting my time!

- Hello?
- Doesn't anyone answer your phone?

I've been to the local...
the local signal box.

- Where's this excursion?
- Haven't you seen it?

- No. Nobody has.
- Oh. That's funny, isn't it?

No, it's not.
Are you certain you sent it off?

- Are you certain you sent it to me?
- Of course!

- Well, I'm certain I sent it off.
- Then where the blazes is it?

I dunno. Who had it last?

The train was sent to you
and it hasn't been heard of since.

I can't fathom it.
Does your driver know the way?

- Has there been an accident?
- Not according to my ferret.

Hello?

Just a moment.

This is Bracken. Where is your train?

Have you sent that excursion off?!

- Yes!
- 'Well, where is it?!'

We've mislaid it. Excuse me.

- It went at six o'clock.
- 'When?'

- 'What? It was scheduled for ten#
- 'Is that a different one?'

- No!
- 'Are you contradicting me?'

- No, not you. You!
- 'Yes?'

- No!
- Why did you change the schedules?

- It suits my customers better.
- What customers?

- I'm not talking to you.
- Pull yourself together.

- I am together.
- Where is it?

Get off the line. Ring off!

Do you know who you're talking to?

- Yes, to him.
- I'll report this to Brocker.

Too late. I'm talking to the old fool now.

Old fool? What are you gibbering about?

I can't hold up the service.
Can I stick me signals up?

If it'll give you any pleasure.
I'm ringing off.

Oh, are you? You can pack up
your things and go back to England.

- If you're not out by tonight...
- Tonight? What's the hurry?

- You're fired!
- Fired?

- Yes, fired!
- Oh.

Well, I've been thrown out
of better stations than this!

- What you packing for?
- I'm leaving.

- Tonight? Have you told head office?
- They told me.

What's the matter?

- He's got the push.
- Poor old guv.

Here, you can't go like this.
Have some bacon.

- I won't deprive you.
- It won't keep much longer.

I knew you wouldn't stay.
He never liked stationmasters.

- Who?
- One-eyed Joe, the miller.

Listen, I've had enough of him.

I've never heard such a lot of rubbish.

Every night, when the moon gives light
The miller's ghost is seen

- He walks the track, a sack on his back...
- And his earhole painted green!

He haunts the tunnel, he haunts the hill
and the land that lies between...

Nah, it's all my eye.

Here, I'll give you this.

There isn't a tunnel on our line.

- No, but there is on the old loop line.
- Loop line? First I've heard of that.

- It runs through Pooker Hill.
- Disused.

- Where does it lead?
- Across the border.

Border? Loop line? Tunnel?
I've got it! Go on.

- Where we going?
- To find my train!

- No more arguments. We're going.
- But we might overwork Gladstone.

- It's haunted.
- Shut up. Let's see the map, Albert.

There's Pooker Hill
and the mill on the top.

There's the line to Bracken Junction.

The line crosses the border there.

- Here's where the old line branches out.
- One-eyed Joe was killed right there.

A banshee!

Banshee! It's Gladstone on the boil.
Come on.

- Whoa!
- What's he say?

- He said whoa.
- Oh, I thought he said Joe!

This is the branch line all right.
Where's the point lever?

- Be quiet!
- I've got it.

- I got it first.
- That's oil!

Hello...

- What does that prove?
- There's been a cattle show.

That's a football favour!
It shows we're on the right track. Go on.

Right.

Look, there's the tunnel.

- There's something across it.
- It's disused.

Slow down. You'll hit it.

- Eh?
- Put your brakes on!

Brake! Brake!

Brake!

Why didn't you stop when I told you to?

- I have stopped.
- You couldn't help it with that there!

Look, there it is - my excursion.
Now who's potty?

- I wonder where everybody is.
- Could be playing football.

- Who plays football in the dark?
- Night schools.

- They haven't unpacked the goalposts.
- Let's go back now.

What? After they've pinched my train
and left it here? Not me!

They haven't even paid for their tickets.

Hey...

- My tickets. They're not even clipped.
- Some more over there.

Blimey, they chucked 'em away.

Well, what a nerve!

- Follow me.
- I'm not going in there.

Do as you're told. And you too.

I won't poke me nose
in other people's tunnels.

So you'll let me go in alone to face...

- whatever there is to face?
- Yes.

All right, I'll... Get inside!

- It's all right. I'm behind you.
- Would you like to come in front?

No, I can see fine from here.

What was that?

- Voices.
- Must be somebody there.

What's that growling?

- It's my stomach.
- Well, keep it quiet.

Hey...

- Guns!
- Odd things to take to a football match.

They're gunrunners, not footballers.

- Come on, boys, get that lot down.
- What's the hurry?

If we're not over the border by sunrise,
we'll all be in jail.

Get that lot down. I'll get the other one
from upstairs. Come on, Mickey!

Hurry up. Don't take all night.

This is a funny-looking place, innit?

- We're in one-eyed Joe's cock-eyed mill!
- Oh, dear!

Quick! Behind this.

We go to the left.

- No, right.
- No, it's left.

- Of course it's left.
- I say it's right.

Stubborn old git. If we turn left,
we get there by the other road,

whereas... Good evening.

Get up.

All of you.

What are you doing here?

Oh, er... You dropped your tickets.

- Don't try anything. There's three of us.
- No, two.

- One.
- Follow me.

Come here!

Come on downstairs. And hurry.

Bull's-eye!

Let's barricade the door.

- Then we can't get out.
- They can't get in!

- Open this door!
- You open it yourself.

- Where's Harbottle?
- He must be up there.

- They're not here.
- They must have got out another way.

It's all right. They're going.

What's the matter? I thought you'd gone.

- You think too much. Tie him up!
- You can't do that. I'm a British subject.

What are you going to do?
You can't do that!

And who's gonna stop us?

Glory be! The ghost!

The phantom miller...

One-eyed Joe!

Aa-choo!

That's no ghost.

After 'em!

- They're not here, Grogan.
- They can't get away.

We'll get them when we come back.
Slip that bolt!

- They've taken the ladder away.
- Now we can't get down.

Let's tie a rope to that hook
and slide down.

It won't bear our weight. Use that beam.

- But that goes round in the wind.
- We can try it. Give us a rope.

- We haven't got a rope.
- What are we arguing about then?!

- What was that?
- I dunno.

- You touching something?
- No, I'm holding on.

- We're oscillating.
- I shall be sick in a minute.

Stick your fingers in your ears
and count to 100.

Hey, what's this?

Cor, look!

Oh, the propeller.

- We could ride on one of these sails.
- It isn't going round.

Something's holding it.
Must be a brake somewhere.

Ah, perhaps this is it.

It's turning now.

- Has it stopped?
- Yes.

Then it's under control. Come on.

- Yes, what is it?
- We're going down. You're first.

- Right down there?
- No, go along this horizontal sail.

- Which?
- This one, pointing to three o'clock.

- Drop off at six o'clock. Understand?
- Yes. What time is it now?

No, no, six o'clock at the bottom!

- Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
- Come on, come on.

- Right along here?
- Yes, go on.

- It's a long way down.
- Never mind. You'll soon be there.

That's what I'm afraid of.

- You all right?
- Oh, dear! Oh, dear! Just a minute.

Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

I'm back again.

Hurry up.

- Are you nearly there?
- Nearly.

- I'm ready.
- He's ready.

- All right, he'll be OK. Go on, you're next.
- Stop it, then.

Oi!

Do I have to fall in the water?

Oh, dear.
The blood's running to my hat.

- It's bending.
- Look at the weight on it. Float a little!

- Should I go to the end?
- Yes, but don't go past it.

All right. I'm ready.

- You all right down there?
- I'm up here!

- What are you doing up there?
- I'm 12 o'clock.

Well, why don't you chime?
How will I get down?

Climb out on the other wing.

I can't let go of this lever!

I'm balancing him. Climb out on
the other one and you'll bring him down.

Oh, all right. Hold on.

Hurry up. I'm cold up here.

Go on!

What do you mean, ''go on''?
I know what I'm doing.

- Hurry up.
- I am hurrying up!

- I can't hold on much longer.
- I'm coming as fast as I can.

Hurry up.

Can't somebody stop it?

I can't hold on much longer.

Go on, Harbottle. Drop off!

I can't. I shall fall in the water.

Go on! I can't stay up here all day.
I'm not a pigeon.

- Jump!
- How are we gonna get off?!

I'm slipping!

Oh, shut up.

I'm going to be sick!

I'm going. I'm going!

All right, jump!

Ooh...

Innit a good job
I thought of the hay cart?

- You might have taken the fork out.
- 'Ere, look.

Now let's get away.

Without my train? Not likely!
We'll couple Gladstone to it.

- There's an engine on the other end.
- I'll attend to that.

All right, my front man. We're ready.

Start when I tell you
and drive until I tell you to stop.

- Do you think you'll get away with this?
- I hope so, for your sake!

Get a move on. No funny business.

Go on. Get hold of that shovel.

Right, away.

Start her up.

Let her go.

- We done 'em!
- Keep moving or they'll do us.

- Get up on the carriage roof.
- Do what?

Don't argue. Take this with you.

If any of them stick their heads out,
swat 'em.

- What about that stationmaster?
- We'll collect him on the way back.

Hey, what's this?
We're going the wrong way.

100 miles an hour.
Didn't think she could do it.

That's the pressure gauge.

I know...
I was going by the telegraph pole.

- Don't touch it!
- We're coming to Buggleskelly.

- Ain't we going to stop?
- No, if we keep going, they can't get out.

We're home. Buggleskelly!

- Put 'em in the fire. Save coal.
- They're my undies!

Well, they're going in anyway.

'Ere, don't spend the coal.
We shall run out.

Oh, shut up.

We're turning to the left.
Put your hand out.

You'll pay for this hat.

And for the shovel.

Pull!

Hey. Hey!

- What's the matter?
- You're letting all the steam out!

Who is?

- It's going off the boil.
- Do something, then!

- Shoot him.
- It's jammed. Give me a rifle.

We haven't any ammunition.

Waargh!

I say. Don't look now
but there's another train coming.

Oh. Eh?!

No, no!

Cor! Dear!

That's the last bit of coal we've got left.

'Ere, 'ere, you can't burn that!

If don't get any help soon,
you're going in next.

- That can go for a start.
- How do we get help?

- At sea, they put a message in a bottle.
- We haven't got a bottle.

- Have we?
- Yes, we have! My medicine.

Don't waste time. Chuck it away...

- 'Ere, that's my medicine.
- I'm as ill as you are.

I'll uncouple the train
from the engine. Give us your hat.

You stick it out that side
while I get out at this.

Where's the bottle? Give it to me.

Ooh, a tunnel...

- Give me the bottle. I'll throw it.
- Not now! We're in a tunnel.

- Worst coal I've tasted.
- It's not coal. It's your pants.

We're coming to the station.
I'm going to throw it.

What the...?!

Calling Belfast. Urgent. Belfast!

Belfast standing by. Go ahead.

Stations stand by for altered schedule.

Stand by for altered schedule...
Stand by for altered schedule...

- Side track 24 good.
- Side track 24 good. Right!

- Hold 16 express.
- Hold 16 express? Right!

I gots her on her way to West Yard.

All cars to West Yard terminus.
All cars to West Yard terminus.

All cars to West Yard terminus.
All cars to West Yard terminus.

We're coming to a dead end.

Stop grumbling!
We haven't come to a dead end yet!

Oh, a dead end!

Well, do something!
Stop the train! Put the brakes on!

Hold tight!

- They're all in there.
- Well, Grogan, we've got you at last.

All right, all right...

- Congratulations.
- Good bit of work.

- Splendid show, Porter.
- All in a day's work.

- You'll get recognition.
- Don't thank me, thank Gladstone.

- Grand engine. 90 years old.
- And good for another 90.