Oh, God! You Devil (1984) - full transcript

He's making noises.

I'm gonna go take a look.

Bobby. What is it, son?

Are you hot? What's the matter, honey?

Tell you what.
Let's just cool off, okay? There we go.

Get a little water.

God...

make him well.

He's had everything. Measles, mumps...

but this fever...

I don't know. It's bad.



Please take care of him.
I love him so much.

Thank you.

Everybody wants help.

I hope he isn't gonna be
another disappointment.

Hey, Mikey.

Hold the elevator!

You are too young to be retired.
It's not healthy.

-You're absolutely right.
-Bye, darling.

Hi, it's me.

I'm just calling about dinner plans.
I'm at the office. Bye.

-Excuse me. Wendy Shelton.
-Can you talk?

-Not right now, I have people.
-Can't take no more.

Stuck his hand up the teacher's dress.

Aren't you supposed to be
at Charlie Gray's?



I was looking for something.

I know they're going to like your music.

His father was the same way.

Good luck, and call me
when you know something.

Great, I love you, too.

Bye.

Is your husband a bum, too?

He works at home.
He's a songwriter and musician.

They're all musicians, ain't they?

Let this be the one.

Please, let this be my break.

The worst in 15 years. Absolutely.

Yeah, good luck to you, too.

-What?
-Room 211 wants to check out.

-Tomorrow morning, if it clears.
-He wants to check out now.

-Now?
-He insists. He's an older gentleman.

Tell him it's out of the question.
Nobody leaves the building.

-The National Guard--
-I told him that. Makes no difference.

-He wants his bill drawn up.
-Absolutely not!

Could you talk to him, Dave?
He's a difficult character.

For Pete's sake,
I haven't got time for this nonsense!

This guy's a weirdo, Dave. Talk to him.

All right, I'll talk to him.
And don't call me Dave!

-What's this idiot's name?
-Tophet, Harry Tophet.

-Mr. Tophet, this is the manager.
-Come on in.

Nice weather, huh?

-Mr. Tophet--
-I'll need my car in about 10 minutes.

I told him the roads were closed,
the cops--

Mr. Tophet--

Call me Harry. And I've never met a cop
who couldn't use an extra $20.

Six people have already died in this storm.

Good.

I don't want to be responsible for another.

I'm going to insist
that you remain in this hotel.

You're not insisting anything.

What the hell was that?

Get Mr. Tophet's car.

-What the hell was that?
-Get his car.

I love to scare the hell out of people.

I'd like to speak to Arnie.

Yeah, this is Charlie.

Arnie. Let me tell you why I called.

You guessed?

You're a mind reader, you know that?
He guessed.

He must be a mind reader.

You listened to it last night?

What do you think?
Sure I want you to be honest with me.

You hated the tape.

No, listen.
Why beat around the bush, right?

Christ!

You thought the lyrics
were a little too highbrow?

-Too highbrow for him, that jerk!
-Please be quiet.

No, there I disagree with you.
I think he has a good voice.

-Not great.
-I have to listen to this?

-It's the only way you learn.
-Learn what?

If you don't want it, you don't want it.

We go back a long way, right? Six months.

I respect you. You respect....

You got another call? Right. Beautiful.

He hates it.

He said he wouldn't play it for his dog.

You ever hear that before,
"Wouldn't play it for a dog"?

-That's a new one on me, Charlie.
-Unbelievable.

Bobby.

Let me tell you something
as a manager and your personal friend.

Your career doesn't seem to be taking off.

-I'm aware.
-Listen to me. You're pushing 30.

I'm pushing 50 with two kids in college.

And 10% of your income,
which over the past year has averaged--

$273 a month.

$272.60.

Which means I get $27.26 a month.

I know that I promised
not to ask you to do this again.

-What?
-This is a beautiful gig.

-Do this for me, please.
-What, Charlie?

-It's a wedding in Brentwood.
-No!

A neurosurgeon, Bobby. It pays $500.

It was Danny Stein's gig,
but he got busted last week.

-$500?
-You'll do it?

Yeah, what the hell?
I'm not going anywhere.

-You are doing 100% the right thing!
-Sure.

-What?
-What can I tell you?

I never thought
things would turn out like this.

There aren't many stars in this business.

It's enough to make a living.
Think about that.

It just hurts.

I'd sell my soul to the Devil
to make it in this business...

just for the chance.

The computer's on the blink again.

I've had this guy for years.

Him, too. Look at that face.

What a pussycat.

I'd sell my soul to the Devil
to make it in this business.

Interesting.

Sorry, pal. He asked for me.

That's the rules.
He asks for me, he's mine.

And none of your tricks either.

I can't even talk about it.

It's one lousy wedding.
You'll play, it will be over.

-I'll meet you later at Genaro's for dinner.
-The point is I'm pushing 30.

I should do something,
go to law school. Apply at least.

-You're a musician.
-I'm not a musician. I'm not anything.

You married a lemon.

-I married a peach.
-Don't humor me.

-Really, don't start.
-I'm not trying to humor you.

Forget about it. The machine is on.

You haven't even tasted your wine.

Jose at the liquor store said it was good.

Hawaiian Chablis?

I just never saw wine
with an expiration date before.

So, what do you think?

-How much was that wine?
-With tax, $1.89.

You were robbed.

-What would I do without you?
-You'd die.

Things are gonna get better.

I don't know how you still have faith in me
after five years.

-No more self-pity.
-I've got to play.

-Enough.
-Okay.

Get out of here. I'll get your coat.

I'll check the machine.

-Who called?
-Listen to this!

-Listen to what?
-Just listen!

Listen to what?

I heard music.

Honey, you've got to hurry up
if you don't wanna be late for this gig.

Put your jacket on. You look gorgeous.

-I tell you, I heard--
-That's okay. Let me see it. Fine.

Come on, you klutzes, keep the beat!

What is this?
A golden wedding anniversary?

Hip!

You dance just like my late husband.

-Irving?
-You knew Irving?

He bought out his partner in 1960
by telling him they were going under.

Quiet!

Then he signed a big order
with the department store...

-by bribing the buyer.
-Oh, my God!

Do I know Irving?
Irving's one of my best workers.

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen...

I am informed that your escargots
are served so, bon app?tit.

We'll be back later and remember:

Whatever you can't eat, I take home.

-You know what else Irving did?
-What?

-He had this dame in Altoona--
-Will you shut up?

You miserable old fart.

I love escargot, don't you?

It's the little things I enjoy.

Want this? How about you?

Hey, nobody wants this.
Want to take it home?

-Are you kidding?
-Smart boy.

Excuse me.

I don't like to disturb you.
You're probably busy.

That's okay, you have a request?

I'd like to speak with you for a moment
if it's okay.

Yeah, sure. Why not?

-I'm not disturbing you?
-Not at all.

Good.

-Mr. Tophet?
-Tophet. Call me Harry.

-I already have an agent.
-I see. Is he any good?

That's hard to say, really.

No, it's very easy to say. Is he any good?

Things haven't been going so great.

-Charlie Gray, right?
-How did you know?

He's pathetic. You deserve better.

-Like you, right?
-Like me.

-Come on, man.
-lf I were running things...

you wouldn't be playing
at these crummy weddings.

You'd be at Carnegie hall,
Madison Square Garden...

you'd be at the Orange Bowl.

Just you, alone at the piano
in the middle of the Orange Bowl...

with 80,000 suntanned girls
screaming your name.

-Sliding out of their pants.
-Great.

Everybody would be humming your songs.

It would be played at airports,
in elevators.

-Fabulous.
-You'd be rich. You'd be a household word.

-Mr. Tophet--
-You could afford to have that baby.

I get involved in all phases
of my clients' lives.

That's why I'm the best.

Who do you represent, if you're so terrific?

All the big names.

They all come to me, sooner or later.

Tophet. I read the trades--

I keep my name out of the papers.
I'm more effective that way.

-What do you say, it's a deal?
-A deal?

I don't even know you.

You can't expect me
to drop my agent just like that.

I can make things happen. Amazing things.

See that waiter?

-Yeah.
-Watch this.

How did you know that....

Harry?

-Mr. Tophet?
-Not bad?

You'll be hearing from me, Bobby.

Mr. Tophet?

I'm flipping out.

She's waiting for you.

-There you go.
-Thanks.

-lf you'd been there--
-Have you decided yet?

What's good tonight, Louise?

Osso buco. Very special tonight.

-I made it myself.
-I'll have it.

-I'll get spaghetti and sausage.
-You always get spaghetti and sausage.

-Whenever I don't get it, I hate myself.
-It's very good.

-Louise, let's splurge. A bottle of Barolo.
-You got it.

Table number 10....

-Tell me about this guy.
-It was really strange.

My cousin Albert is in the
novelty business. He makes trick cards.

-Wendy, this card answered me.
-He said he could make any kind of cards.

Can he make waiters lose their pants?

Waitresses. He's been divorced twice.

Come on, Wendy,
this guy really spooked me out.

Maybe he gave the waiter money
to drop his pants.

And wreck the place?

Why would he go through all that trouble?

Because he wants to represent you.

That's the part I can't understand.

You amaze me.
Somebody finally appreciates your talent...

and your entire reaction
is one of suspicion.

It's just creepy.

Believe me, if you'd been there--

Maybe you should give this guy a try.
It wouldn't hurt.

-I'm fading. See you in the morning.
-Yeah. Good night.

Wendy?

lt'd be nice if things could change.

You could stop working.

You could start doing the laundry.

We could hire a maid.

I could have an affair with her.

-I could leave you.
-No, you wouldn't. What about the baby?

What baby?

Reminder: Billy Wayne contract
expires 12:00 tonight.

Wonderful.

Thank you! Thank you, Cleveland!

Good night! I love you!

More!

No more.

Good night!

-Billy, what are you doing?
-No more.

You didn't even finish this track yet!

I said, "No more! "

-Nobody comes in.
-Okay.

Get them out of here.

Let's go, girls.
Mr. Wayne's emotionally spent. Come on.

Let's go.

Come on, move.

Tonight's the night, Billy. I'm sorry.

I want an extension.

No. Seven years, that was the deal.

But I got a tour to finish.

A deal's a deal. It's finished.

Now what happens to me?

It will be painless. Don't worry.

You'll never know or remember
you were Billy Wayne.

But I want to remember.

Damn it, listen to me.
You can't do this to me--

Things have a way of working out.

-May I help you, gentlemen?
-I'm Charles Gray.

This is my client Bobby Shelton.
We have an appointment with Gary Frantz.

-Won't you be seated?
-That's very thoughtful. Thank you.

Bobby?

-I thought these guys had turned us down.
-They did, twice.

-Now they're interested?
-I don't know what they are.

I got this call out of the blue.
They said it was urgent.

We both hate the tape.
Why are we seeing him?

There's one cut on it that will be
sensational for Richie Morrison.

So what? Richie writes his own stuff.

So I buy the song outright
and we make it a Richie Morrison song.

-Maybe Richie changes a few words.
-That's not nice.

-Who's talking nice?
-lf his manager has any smarts at all--

-His manager is Charlie Gray.
-You're kidding.

I know both these guys.
They have tremendous respect for me.

-You know why?
-No, why?

Because I'm not a pig, that's why.
I play fair.

I could go in there and ask
for a pile of money. What's the point?

May I help you?

You gotta have realistic goals.

I'm with Mr. Shelton.

-He's over there, sir.
-Thanks very much.

-Hi.
-Hello.

-You're Charlie Gray.
-Yes, I am.

Excuse me.

Bobby, you have a choice.

Stay with this loser and be a nobody
or come with me and be a somebody.

-Who is this guy?
-You're a major talent.

He's got you nothing
but weddings and bar mitzvahs.

I can get you what you deserve.
Concerts, gold records, a cover of Time.

Bobby, this is your last chance.

Believe me.

Excuse us, please.

What is this?

Charlie, you and me have been together
for a long time...

and we're not really making it.

I'm gonna give this guy a try.

Like he says, it could be my last chance.

Hello? Yeah.

Gentlemen, you can go in now.

You did the right thing. I'm proud of you.

Bobby. Gary Frantz.
It's great of you to come.

I want you to say hello
to Joe Ortiz from our A&R department.

A big fan of yours.

-This is Mr. Tophet.
-How do you do? Where is Charlie Gray?

I represent him. My name is Harry Tophet.

Harry Tophet?

It's very nice to meet you, sir.
Should I speak louder?

Not unless you can't hear
what you're saying.

-Great.
-I'm funny.

Didn't you used to handle Al Jolson?

Beethoven.

I love it. This guy's something or what?

Come on, sit. Fabulous, great.
Are you okay?

-Okay. Who wants some coffee?
-No, thanks.

-No? Harry?
-I don't drink coffee.

A glass of tea, maybe?

Stop bullshitting
and get down to business.

Beautiful. Okay.

I wanna be totally up-front with you guys.

There are all kinds of people
in the music business.

There are some pussycats
and a lot of cobras.

-Am I right?
-We've met all types.

Can I be completely honest with you guys?

Fine.

Okay, Bob, here's the thing.
Joe and I listened to this tape of yours...

-I don't know, what, five times?
-At least.

You never heard this kid's tape.
Not five times, not once.

Say again.

You heard Bobby Shelton.
This isn't Bobby Shelton.

This kid is Billy Wayne.

-Harry!
-What?

Here's the deal I'm proposing.
I'm sure you'll find it fair.

-Wait. What deal?
-I don't know.

You're proposing a deal?
Who said anything about a deal?

-What are you doing?
-This is it.

This is what?

What is this, Harry, a gag?
$3.5 million for two albums?

You're underselling, Harry.
Go for $8 million.

You son of a bitch! Humiliating me!

Sign this, Bobby, and they'll stop laughing.

Sign this, and the whole world is yours.

"Twenty-four-hour limousine service...

"to be provided year-round for the artist
and his entourage."

Harry, I've heard of garnish,
but this is too much.

-You're crazy!
-Sign it, Bobby.

If I'm crazy, the deal is void anyhow, right?

Trust me. Make me your manager.

"A $1 million bonus for each gold record."

-You should ask for $2 million.
-How long is this for?

Firm seven-year contract. No options.

I don't know.

Okay, I'll leave it open.

Let's make it a trial period.

Do it.

Gentlemen, you've got yourselves a deal.

I can't believe it.

We got Billy Wayne! Congratulations.
I'm thrilled.

-Welcome to our happy family.
-Billy Wayne on Astral.

If only my mother were alive....
Joe, will you call publicity, now?

-Okay.
-I am so thrilled. I can't....

Tell them I want a release out right now.
I think we got away cheap.

Next time, I'll make it expensive.

Next time, he'll make it expensive.
You hear that? I love it.

-I love this guy!
-I'm still funny.

I want a release out now.
Billy Wayne on Astral, two-album deal.

-Press conference?
-Let me talk to her.

Let's go.

-I gotta call my wife.
-No time, we got a plane to catch.

Wait a minute. Who are you?

My God.

Guess again.

Hi, Bobby. You're home.

-What happened at the meeting?
-Nothing much.

I picked up some chicken,
thought I'd barbeque it.

What happened at the meeting?

It was a lot of crap.
They weren't interested.

One song they wanted to rip off.
How about you?

A lot of unhappy people,
a lot of miserable children. Nothing new.

-Hello?
-Hi, Wendy.

I was trying to call earlier.
Something really weird has happened.

I'm in Buffalo. Can you believe that?

Who is this?

-It's Bobby.
-You want to speak to Bobby?

This is Bobby.

He's right here. Hold on.

-Wait a minute.
-It's for you.

Hello?

-Hello?
-Yes?

Who is this?

This is Bobby Shelton. Who's this?

Hello?

I told you not to call.

What the hell have you done? Who is that?

-He's you.
-He's not me, I'm me!

-You're Billy Wayne, remember?
-Who is that guy?

Nobody special.
We made a deal. Now he's you.

This guy who says he's me,
he thinks he's me?

That's right.

-And Wendy accepts him as me?
-Completely.

-He's you.
-I don't get it.

Who the hell would want to be me?
What does he get?

Wendy.

Come on, relax.
The theater's sold out tonight.

-You're very popular in Buffalo.
-Buffalo?

Best I could do on short notice.

My head is killing me.

I'm sorry.

It is a big adjustment.
Here. Let me see what I can do.

How's that?

-That feels better. Thank you.
-You're welcome.

People think because I'm the Devil,
I'm insensitive. That's not true.

Trust me.
After a while, you'll love your new life.

You won't miss the old one at all.

-What if I want to go back to the old one?
-A deal is a deal.

But I thought this was a trial period.
That's what you said.

I lied. If you want anything, I'm in 666.

Wait a minute.
I wanna ask you one more question.

Okay, shoot.

Why do I still think I'm me?

And what happens
when my contract is up?

That's two questions.
I only said you could ask one.

Smile. This is what you wanted, isn't it?

Nice.

All right. Let's go.

House lights to half.
Let's go, everybody. It's time.

-Tophet.
-You'll knock them dead.

-What am I singing?
-Don't worry, it'll come to you.

-"Don't worry"?
-Showtime. Hi.

-We open with Only Up To Me, right, Billy?
-What's that?

That's a song of mine? Only Up To Me?

-One of your big hits.
-Hits?

-Smash!
-It is?

And here he is,
the man with the dangerous eyes...

Mr. Billy Wayne!

Go.

This is fun!

This is all right. Thank you.

Thanks, gentlemen. Well done.
Thanks a lot.

-Where are we going now?
-Home, Billy.

Where do I live?

Home sweet home.

I live there?

Fabulous. Like a pixie.

Welcome home, Mr. Wayne.

-Tremendous tour. We read about it.
-Thanks.

Billy, take it easy for a week or so.
You look worn out.

I'll call you tomorrow.

Okay. Let's go.

Careful with your head, sir!

It was quite a tour, sir?

Yes. Quite a tour.

-How many rooms in this place?
-There are 24, sir.

You have been away a long time.

Cozy.

-Shall I put these in your bedroom, sir?
-Yes. Good.

No, wait just a minute.

Would you like me to turn on the Jacuzzi?

That's just what I had in mind, Wilson.

-Wilson!
-Sir?

That's your name.

Of course, sir.

Rosita has brought some lobster today.
They're in the tank.

The tank?

-In the kitchen, sir.
-That tank.

Sure, great. Good work by Rosita.

Where is the kitchen?

It's so good to have you home again, sir.

Will you be needing the car, sir?

-I'll have him wait.
-Have him wait.

Very good, sir.

-Sir?
-That'll be all.

My fireplace.

My piano.

My dining room.

And this must be...

my kitchen.

My tank.

Guys, where am I?

Who am I?

If I'm not me anymore...

why do I still think I'm me?

That's the part I can't understand.

-You.
-Me. Welcome home.

-How do you like it?
-Where'd you go? It's been five months.

What do you think, you're my only client?

I'm running a big operation
with a big overhead.

I need tenants.

I have to ferment racial tension,
pestilence, famine, war.

It's fun, but I'm pooped.

-How can--
-Don't say it. How can I?

-Don't I have any feelings?
-That's right.

Listen, if I didn't exist,
God would have to make me up.

I make him look good.

-There really is a God?
-Oh, sure.

He rarely makes personal appearances
here on earth like I do.

Sometimes he actually shows up here,
looking like everybody else?

Now and then. But he's not what he was.

Very disappointed man. Bitter.
You can't talk to him.

I try to get him more interested.

It's no fun having the field all to myself.

I say to him,
"Please come down for the Olympics...

"the World Series, see a show, get out."

He just wants to talk about the old days
with Moses, Abraham, King Wenceslaus.

It's just so sad. Heaven's half-empty.
Had to shut down the big dining room.

-Come on.
-Would I lie?

Had to get rid of
half of their staff up there.

Few priests, cleaning ladies,
that's all they get these days.

-But you're doing great, right?
-Knock wood.

Sometimes it's too much.

So God just quit?
Is that what you're saying?

When is the last time he did something?
You tell me.

Let's get out of here.
You look tired and hungry.

-I'll take you to Chasen's.
-I don't wanna go to Chasen's.

Pick a place. Any place.

Genaro's. That's where
I used to go with Wendy.

-You don't wanna go there. It's a dump.
-I like it.

Chasen's has got that great chili,
really hot.

No, I'm going to Genaro's.

You're making a mistake.
Listen to me, you'll get upset.

Today's the 15th. It's my anniversary.

Just one second. I'll check. Let me see.

Yes, Mr. Farbinger, I can confirm
the reservation. For how many?

All right. Yes, I'll see you then. Bye.

-Excuse me, can I help you?
-Hi, Louise. How are you?

Do you have a reservation, sir?

-No, I don't.
-I'm sorry. I have nothing right now.

Excuse me. Genaro's.

Yes. For how many?

All right.

Yes, I'll take care of it.

Bye.

Mr. Wayne.

I am so honored to have you here.

Of course I have a table for you.
Will you follow me?

Sure.

That's Billy Wayne.

Right this way, Mr. Wayne.

Is this okay?

-lf it's okay with you.
-I'm happy.

The veal cacciatore's very good.

-Just a bottle of Barolo for now.
-Of course. I'll get it for you.

Here's your check, Mr. Shelton.

-Enjoy your dinner?
-Delicious, Louise.

Great as always.

I can't get Wendy to order anything
but spaghetti and sausage.

-Here you go.
-Whenever I don't get it, I hate myself.

Could you get our car for us? Thank you.

-I loved your last album.
-Thank you very much.

You're welcome.
When's the next one coming out?

-When's the next record coming out?
-Here, sweetheart.

Next year will be
a very special anniversary.

You've been on tour? It must be a gas.

-You'll bring the baby here.
-We'll take the baby everywhere.

-I bought a stroller. Cost me $90.
-That's just the beginning.

Listen, have a nice evening.
Okay, good night.

-Wendy.
-Yes?

That's Billy Wayne, Wendy. He knows you.

-You're pregnant.
-It looks like it.

-Have we met?
-Billy, I'm Bobby Shelton.

Pleasure to meet you.

Bobby Shelton.

-I think I've heard of you.
-Really?

We have a mutual acquaintance.
Steve Kantor, a sax player.

Yeah, sure.

-You two been married a long time?
-Six years today.

-Congratulations.
-Thanks. How do you know Wendy?

-When are you expecting?
-Three months. I'm almost there.

-Three months?
-I thought your last record was terrific.

-Three months. That's great.
-Bobby, we really should run.

Maybe I could use you on my next session.

That would be great! Things have been
a little tough. I get so frustrated.

-Where have we met?
-Charlie Gray's my agent.

-He's a good agent.
-Is he?

I guess you better take her home.
She probably needs her rest.

Yeah, I fade pretty early these days.

-I'll bet. You still working?
-Yeah.

Nice meeting you.

-Again?
-A real honor to meet you.

Good night.

Your wine is ready.

That's my baby she's carrying.

-Thanks a lot.
-Thank you, sir.

Thanks for the offer.

Thank you, sir. Good night.

-She's pregnant. It's my baby.
-Congratulations.

You have to let me out of this deal.

-No.
-Please!

Why are you being so dramatic?
You can get her back.

How? You're a big snob. Call her up.
Work on her.

-She'll dump that guy.
-Wendy would never do that.

-Try it.
-I don't want to try it.

It's a rotten idea ! It stinks!

This whole thing stinks!

Can't you understand?
I'm the father of that child.

-Don't you know what that means to me?
-Sorry. A deal is a deal.

-Stop the car.
-Where are you going?

I'm gonna get out of this deal.
I'm gonna find a way to get out.

Stop the car!

Nuts.

I don't want to see you any....

I hate it when he does that.

How may I help you?

I'm here to find God.

-This is his house.
-It is? Great.

-You seen him around?
-Seen who?

God.

He's in this booth.

When you're speaking to me,
you're speaking to him.

I don't have time for that.
I'm not talking figuratively here.

I'm not talking about a lot of rigmarole.

I'm talking about sitting down
with God for five minutes.

Two minutes tops, son.

-Two minutes?
-You heard it. Shoot. You got two minutes.

Let me tell you what happened to me.

About five months ago,
I made a deal with the Devil.

Unknowingly, of course.

Needless to say, I've gotten
completely and totally screwed.

Beg your pardon, Father.

Let me understand you.
You made a deal with the Devil?

There really is a Devil, Father.
He lights cigars with his thumb.

He took my identity away
and gave it to some yo-yo...

who's now living with my wife.

She's pregnant with my child,
and I've got to get her back.

See, she thinks he's me, but I'm me!

Everybody else thinks I'm Billy Wayne.
I'm not Billy Wayne. I'm him !

-Bobby, that is me!
-That's right.

And the only way I can get back to her
is through God.

Even the Devil admits
there really is a person God.

Wishes he saw more of him, in fact.

I understand. I really do.

Perhaps I could refer you
to the counseling services.

I'm not nuts.

-Believe me, I wish it was that simple.
-So do I.

I'm sorry, Father.

You see, you know
what the Devil told me?

God's really a lonely guy.

-Is he?
-Heaven's half-empty.

-They closed up the big dining room.
-Really?

And all they get up there now are
a few cleaning ladies and some priests.

I want him to know that he's needed.
I need him.

Do you understand
what I'm saying, Father?

Father?

Young man, Father Daniel and I
would like a few words with you.

What for?

Start it up! Move it out!

Sir, please, don't.

Hi. Excuse me. Can I ask you a question?

Here, put it on.

-All right, what is it?
-I'm not a crazy person.

I'm looking for God.
Do you have any idea where he might be?

-Yeah.
-You do?

There he is.

Well, there he is, in a sense.

The thing is,
I'm looking for God, the person.

I'm trying to get my wife back.

You want God or a lawyer?

I know this sounds crazy.
But the fact is you're looking at a guy...

who made a deal with the Devil
that only God can get me out of.

Devil?

Wait a minute! There really is a Devil.

He dresses up in fancy clothes
and runs around pretending he's an agent.

A talent scout.
I was singing at this wedding.

He said he could make me a big star.
And he did.

You've heard of me. I'm Billy Wayne. See?

I'm the biggest rock singer in America !

But I'm not me. I need to find God.

-You need rest is what you need.
-Listen to me!

You are a religious man.

And I am a human being
in terrible trouble.

I need God's direct intervention!

You can't find God
by hailing him like a taxicab.

Then how do I find him?

He finds you. That's the way it works.

I don't have time!

-You're a young man. All you have is time.
-No!

No, I don't.

I'm sorry.

Listen to me.

Are you looking for that man
they call "the Lord, our God"?

Are you looking for him?

Is he here in Los Angeles?

Is he in the farmers' market
squeezing melons?

-No, he ain't.
-So where is he?

Is he up in the suburbs
wearing green pants...

and playing golf?

No!

Is he in Vermont baking bread
and selling real estate?

No, he ain't!

-He's in the desert.
-The desert?

Look to him.

Look for him in the desert.

-He sent you?
-Amen.

Wait! Wait a minute!

He sent you?

What desert? Wait!

Wait! What desert?

Gary, tell me.
How did Billy get so interested in Vegas?

They've tried to get him for years.

He's suddenly had a yen for the desert.

I said, "Then you might as well make
$300,000 a week while you're at it."

Very sensible.

-Nice talking to you. All right.
-My pleasure.

Hi. Yeah.

I need someone paged.

It's actually like a little code.

Yeah, would you ask the Lord
to pick up a house phone...

and call Room 8216, please?

Yeah, the Lord.

That's right.

No. Just "the Lord."

Yeah, he'll know.

Right. Thank you.

Mr. Peter DeMaris.
Come to the bell captain's desk, please.

Mr. Peter DeMaris.
To the bell captain's desk.

Gary Murphy.
Please pick up the house phone.

Paging Mr. Ellison Johnston, please.

Telephone call for the Lord.

Will the Lord please go to a house phone?

This is the Lord. You have a call for me.

Thank you very much.

-Hello.
-This is him.

-Him who?
-Him, him.

This is Tophet! I recognize your voice.

Look out your window.

Pretty nice, huh? I made it myself.

That old preacher...

you were speaking through him.

That's right.

Why are we here, in Las Vegas?

I have my reasons. Don't question them.

You're in enough trouble already.

Can I get out of it?

You made a deal with the Devil.

How dumb could you be?

I didn't know it was the Devil.

You're not talking
to your sixth-grade teacher, you know.

To me, you were a star
because you had decency.

Now you're just an artifact.
You're ridiculous.

I know. I didn't know that then,
but I know that now.

I gave you hints all the time. The music.

That was you!

-Each time.
-That's right. I've been watching you.

-Why?
-Ask your father.

I can't ask my father. He's dead.

Then I'll ask him.

-God.
-What?

I thought you'd left.
The rainbow disappeared.

I'm trying to save on energy.

Please, God.

Please help me.

-Help you do what?
-Get my life back.

Wendy...

my baby.

-I'm not a Missing Persons Bureau.
-I'll do anything.

-All praises be to me in the highest.
-What?

You want me to praise you.
Would that help?

Good night.

Don't hang up!

Lord, I praise thee in the highest.

The top. The best praise.

You are all wise...

all-knowing, all-natural.

Whatever you want me to do, I'll do.

Please, get me out of this.

If you're listening,
how about another rainbow?

Or some lightning? Anything.

A little creepy music.

Billy, you in there?

Yeah.

For crying out loud,
you're on in half an hour!

I'm on my way.

What are you doing in there? There'll be
plenty of time for chicks after the show.

Okay.

-You okay?
-Yeah, I'm fine.

You're gonna absolutely kill them,
slaughter them.

-Dead, they're gonna be.
-I wish I were dead.

Don't ever say that.
You put that thought out of your mind.

We'll get you help if you're depressed.
Hell with Tophet.

Tophet?

You ought to fire
that miserable old bastard.

Especially after what he said....

-I wasn't gonna tell you this.
-What did he say?

-I don't wanna get into it now.
-What did he say?

He told me he thought you would
bump yourself off within the year.

-So that's how it works.
-What?

-Did he say it like he knew it?
-Like it was a matter of fact.

If he was not 110 years old,
I'd have busted him.

-That's what happens to me.
-Showtime. Fifteen minutes.

Okay, show time. Want anything?

No, thanks.

-You know what I could use?
-Anything.

Cup of tea with honey.

-La voce?
-Yeah.

-What kind of tea? Tetley, herbal, Lipton.
-Any kind of tea.

You got it.

Pretty.

-May I have this chair?
-$10 ante and unlimited betting, sir.

-Fine.
-It's a pretty rough game, pop.

I'll have to take my chances.

Full house. Aces up.

Give me a break already.

-That's your third in a row, pop.
-Beginner's luck.

You ain't betting like no beginner.

Well, okay. I played once before.

May I sit in?

Been expecting you.

This'll just be the two of us.

Isn't it always?

We haven't played for quite a while.

Ten of spades is bent.

So it is. Can't fool you.

Those cigars are gonna kill you.

I love smoke. What about you?

Look at the way you dress.
It's embarrassing.

-What are we playing for?
-I want the kid back. Shelton.

-You mean Billy Wayne.
-I mean Bobby Shelton.

You want the kid back. I don't know.

What's it worth to you?

-Plenty. What do you want for him?
-The Pope.

Crazy. That's mad.

Bring back the Black Death.

I can't look at him, can you?

-Smallpox?
-Forget it.

You know, I don't have to do this.

Shelton came to me. I didn't go to him.
Rules are rules.

You're out of it.

But you lied to him.
You told him it was for a trial period.

Is that according to the rules?

Technicalities.

-You don't have clear title to this boy.
-Neither do you.

Looks like we're in a gray area here,
doesn't it?

Lost your nerve, huh?

Okay. I'm a sport.

-You can have him back if you win.
-And if you win?

He dies. Then he's a folk hero...

like Elvis, Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin.

They'll triple his record sales.
Work all the memorial bits.

Billy Wayne posters, T-shirts...

rings, wind-up dolls.

There'll be lawsuits, fights.
It'll be fabulous.

-Okay.
-One hand takes it.

-We play absolutely straight.
-Of course.

How're we gonna trick each other?

Tricky hand.

-That good, huh?
-Not bad.

-How many cards?
-I'll take two.

Dealer takes one.

I raise you.

Raise me? With what?

All the people on my list.
All those I've been watching over.

Millions of them.
If I lose, they're all fair game for you.

If I win, you can't touch them ever...

even if they ask for you.

Gary, whenever Billy's ready.

Just wants a little tea and we're all set.
Have a good one!

I can't touch any of them?
Even if they beg for me?

That's it. I lose,
you get Bobby and all the rest.

Billy, I got your tea.

Well?

Billy! Come on, open up!

Well?

Too rich for me. I fold. You can have him.

What did you have?

You bluffed. You had nothing.

Why did I fold?

I put the fear of me in you.

Billy!

Get a doctor! Somebody get a doctor!

Come on. Doesn't anybody hear me?
Get a doctor!

What's going on?

Get a doctor right now.
Billy just tried to bump himself off.

-How about double or nothing?
-No. I got what I wanted.

Why did you take such a risk for this kid?

You wouldn't understand.

Besides, I had to take you down a peg.
You were getting too cocky lately.

Don't be a scold.
You'd be lost without me.

-What would you do if I closed up shop?
-I'd manage.

You don't get to be as old as I am
unless you can roll with the punches.

-You're gonna stay?
-For a while.

I try to spend
a few weeks in Vegas every year.

What about you?

I'm on my way to New Hampshire.
The leaves are changing.

Good time to go. Next year,
I'm bringing back the gypsy moth.

You're impossible.

Believe me, I'm possible.

Is he dead?

I don't understand it.
There was nothing I could do.

I'm me again.

-Tophet.
-It's me, Bobby. God.

-You look like the Devil.
-Really?

I guess I've been working too hard.

There's such a resemblance.

He has always wanted to look like me,
talk like me, be like me...

but I'm God.

-You don't dress like God.
-What should I wear, a robe?

-It's 108 degrees out there.
-I just can't believe it.

You're you again, aren't you?

Yeah, I am.

-You do that?
-Of course.

-How?
-I won you back with a busted flush.

-I don't understand.
-It's not necessary for you to understand.

But why?
Why are you so interested in me?

-I owed it to your father. I promised.
-My father?

An honorable holy man.

Remember when you had scarlet fever?

Kind of. It was a long time ago.

April 16, 1960. You were delirious.

A little after 3:00 a.m., your fever hit 105.

Your father walked into your room,
knelt by your bed in the darkness...

and prayed to me.

Beautiful little prayer.

You know, he loved you very much.

I know.

When he stopped praying,
he started singing.

God.

You were there.

Making a house call.
I still watch over people.

In the old days,
I could watch over everybody.

It was more personal
with Noah and that gang.

-Ever hear that story?
-The flood?

It wasn't a flood.
These things get so blown up.

You know the press. It was a lot of rain.

I tell you, man makes up such stories
to explain the unknown.

There's no unknown. There's me.

Everything unknown, I know. That's it.

I have to go.

Anything I can do?

Go to your wife. Have the baby.

Be a loving father. Firm, but loving.

-Resist temptation. Be a person, be a man.
-I will.

Next time, I won't bail you out.

Remember that line in Casablanca:

"Louis, I think this is the start
of a beautiful friendship"?

I never go to the movies.

Go ahead, touch me.

Now go back to your wife.

Thank you, God.

-Keep the change.
-Thank you.

Hi. How was the party?

What's the matter?

It was that bad?

I'm just incredibly glad to see you.

What is it?

-Junior was kicking tonight.
-She was?

-She was?
-Missed Pop, just like me.

No kidding. You missed me?

Did it seem like
I was gone for a long time?

It seemed like ages.

It was.

Are you all right?

I'm great.

I'm the greatest.

Come on. Let's go to bed.

Come here, you.

You're really Mr. Romance tonight.
Are you loaded?

I had a life-changing experience.

I can't tell you how much I love you.

You haven't said that in the longest time.

-What?
-I think I heard her.

I'll take a look.

Sweetie, you're burning up.

God, I hope this isn't something bad.

It's gonna to be okay, sweetie.

How's that? A little better?

-God?
-Sing.

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