Office Space (1999) - full transcript

Mother, shittin'...

Son of a...

Ass!

I just...

I was told...

Have you seen...
I was told that if...

I was late again
I'd be summarily dismissed.

Corporate accounts payable.
Nina speaking.

Just a moment.

Corporate accounts payable.
Nina speaking.

Just a moment.



Corporate accounts payable.
Nina speaking.

Just a moment.

Corporate accounts payable.
Nina speaking.

Just a moment.

Corporate accounts payable.
Nina speaking.

Hello, Peter. What's happening?

We have sort of a problem here.

Yeah. You apparently didn't put

one of the new cover sheets
on your T.P.S. Reports.

Oh, yeah. I'm sorry about that.
I forgot.

Yeah.

You see,
we're putting cover sheets

on all T.P.S. Reports now
before they go out.

Did you see the memo about this?



Yeah. I have the memo right here.

I just forgot...

but, it's not shipping out
till tomorrow so there's no problem.

Yeah.

If you could make sure you do
that from now on, that'd be great.

And I'll make sure you get another copy
of that memo, okay?

No. I have the memo. It's right...

Hello, Phil. What's happening?

I came by here yesterday...

Four teams out on Spanish Point

discovered a shipwreck
off the coast...

Milton?

Hi.

Could you turn that down a bit?

But I was told
that I could listen...

to the radio at a reasonable
volume from 9:00 to 11:00...

Yeah. I know you're allowed to.

I was just thinking
maybe like a personal favor.

Well, I told Bill
if Sandra's going to...

listen to her headphones
while she's filing...

then I should be able to listen
to the radio while I'm collating...

so I don't see why I should have
to turn down the radio.

All right.

I enjoy listening
at a reasonable volume...

Thanks.

From 9:00 to 11:00...

Hi, Peter.

What's happening?

We need to talk
about your T.P.S. Reports.

Yeah. The cover sheet. I know.

Bill talked to me about it.

Yeah. Did you get that memo?

Yeah, I got the memo,
and I understand the policy...

and the problem is just
that I forgot for one time...

and I've already taken care of it

so it's not even really
a problem anymore.

Yeah.

We're putting new cover sheets
on all the T.P.S. Reports now...

so if you could try to remember
to do that from now on,

that'd be great.

All right!

Just a moment.

Corporate accounts payable.
Nina speaking.

Peter Gibbons.

Yes.

I have the memo.

No. Not again. L...

Why does it say paper jam
when there is none?

I swear to God,
one of these days

I just kick this piece of shit
out the window.

You and me both, man.

That thing's lucky I'm not armed.

Piece of shit.

"Samir...

"Na-Na...

"Na-Naga..."

No. Thanks.

Please.

"Michael Bolton"?

That's me.

Wow! Is that your real name?

Yeah.

So are you related to that singer?

No. It's just a coincidence.

No one in this country
can pronounce my name right.

It's not that hard.
"Na-ee" and "anajaad." Nayanajaad.

At least your name
isn't Michael Bolton.

You know, there's
nothing wrong with that name.

There was nothing wrong with it...

until I was 12...

and that no-talent ass-clown became
famous and started winning Grammys.

Well, why don't you just go
by Mike instead of Michael?

No way. Why should I change?
He's the one who sucks.

Hey, guys.

What's up, G?

Want to go to Chotchkie's,
get some coffee?

It's early.

I gotta get out of here.
I think I'm gonna lose it.

Sounds like somebody
has a case of the Mondays.

Boy, I tell ya, some days.

One of these days,
it's gonna be like...

Can I get you something more to drink
or maybe something to nibble on?

Pizza shooters, shrimp poppers,
or extreme fajitas?

- Just coffee.
- Okay!

Sounds like a case of the Mondays.

What if we're...
still doing this when we're 50?

It'd be nice to have
that kind of job security.

Lumbergh's gonna have me work
on Saturday. I can tell already.

I'm gonna end up doing it,
because I'm a big pussy...

which is why I work at Initech
to begin with.

I work at Initech and I don't
consider myself a pussy, okay?

Yes. I am also not a pussy.

In fact, they're gonna find out
the hard way I'm not a pussy...

if they don't start treating
their software people better.

That's right.

They don't understand.

I could program a virus
that'd rip that place off big time.

Yeah.

Big time.

There she is.

You always talk about this girl.

You're so obsessed with her,
why don't you ask her out?

I can't do that.
I'd be another asshole customer.

You can't just walk up
to a waitress and ask her out.

Besides, I'm still trying
to work it out with Anne.

That reminds me.
I can't play poker on Friday.

Why not?

I'm going to see this occupational
hypnotherapist with Anne.

Dude, an occupational hypnotherapist?

I know. Anne wants me to go.

She thinks it might help.

You know,
sometimes I think that...

I get thinking
that she's cheating on me.

- I know what you mean.
- Yeah.

What is that supposed to mean?

Nothing.

Why don't you tell Anne
you're not into hypnosis...

and want to play poker with us?

She'll get pissed off.

Besides, I think the guy
might actually be able to help.

He did help Anne lose weight.

Peter, she's anorexic.

Yeah, I know.

The guy's really good.

Well, I don't think
any occupational hypnotherapist...

will help you solve
any of your problems.

And speaking of problems...

what's this I hear about you having
problems with your T.P.S. Reports?

Didn't you get that memo?

Hey, guys! Peter!

Is that Smykowski?

- Samir!
- What's he doing?

Probably working on
another heart attack.

I've been looking all over
for you guys!

Have you seen this? I knew it.

It's a staff meeting. So what?

So what? We're all screwed.
That's what.

They're gonna downsize Initech.

What are you talking about?
How do you know that?

They're bringing in a consultant.
That's how I know.

That's what this staff meeting
is all about.

It happened at Initrode last year.

You have to interview
with this consultant.

They call them efficiency experts

but you're really interviewing
for your own job.

Every week you think
you'll lose your job and you're still here.

Not this time.
I bet I'm the first one laid off.

Just to think of going to
the state unemployment office

and stand in line
with those scumbags!

Shit.

Did you know there are people in this world
that don't have to tolerate this shit?

Like that inventor of the pet rock.

You see,
that's what you have to do.

You have to use your mind...

and come up with
a great idea like that.

You can make millions,
never have to work again.

You think the pet rock
was a great idea?

Sure it was.

The guy made a million dollars.

I had an idea like that once...

a long time ago.

Really? What was it?

Well, all right.

It was a "Jump to Conclusions" mat.

You see, it would be this mat...

that you would put on the floor...

and it would have different
conclusions written on it...

that you could jump to.

That's the worst idea I've ever heard.

Yes, it's horrible, this idea.

Look, I gotta get out of here.

I'll see you guys later,
if I still have a job.

Our high school guidance counselor used
to ask us what we'd do with $1 million.

Whatever you said
was supposed to be your career.

If you wanted to fix old cars
then you should be an auto mechanic.

What did you say?

I never had an answer.

I guess that's
why I'm working at Initech.

No, you work here 'cause
that's a bullshit question.

If everyone listened to her
there'd be no janitors

because no millionaire
would clean up shit.

You know what I would do
if I had $1 million?

I'd invest half
in low-risk mutual funds

then take the other half to my friend
who works in securities...

You're missing the point.

It's designed to help you figure out
what you would want to do if...

"PC load letter"?
What the fuck does that mean?

Hey, Peter, man! Check out Channel 9!

Check out this chick!

Damn it! Can't you pretend we can't hear
each other through the wall?

Sorry! Anne over there?

No, but...

If you want to talk to me,
just come over.

Hey, man, check this out, dude.

The key is early detection.

Tumors detected early...

Jeez, Lawrence.

Sorry, I thought you'd want to see it.

- Doesn't she look like Anne?
- Yeah.

A little bit.

She hasn't been here in a while.
You still dating?

Yeah.

I guess. I don't know.

Sometimes I think
she's cheating on me.

Yeah. I get that feeling, too.

What do you mean by that?

I don't know, man.

I get that feeling lookin' at her...

like she's the type of chick that'd just...

I'm sorry, man. Look, I...

I'm talking out of my ass.

Forget it. It's all right.

I had a rough day.

Tell me about it.

I gotta wake my ass up

at 6 a.m. Every day this week.

Drag up to Las Golindas.

I'm doing the drywall
at the new McDonald's.

Let me ask you something.

When you come in on Monday,
feeling down, does anyone say

"Sounds like someone
has a case of the Mondays"?

No.

No, man.

Shit, no, man.

You'd get your ass kicked, saying that.

We going fishing this weekend?

No, Lumbergh is gonna
make me work. I know it.

- You can get out of that easily.
- Yeah? How?

When a boss wants you
to work on Saturday...

he generally asks
at the end of the day, right?

Yeah.

All you gotta do is avoid him...
That's all right, I got it.

On the last few hours on Friday,
duck out early...

turn off your answering machine,
you're home free.

That's a really good idea.

Fuckin' "A," man.

Lawrence, what would you do
if you had $1 million?

I'll tell you what I'd do.

Two chicks at the same time, man.

That's it?

If you had $1 million,
you'd do two chicks at the same time?

Damn straight.
I've always wanted to do that.

If I were rich, I could hook that up
'cause chicks dig dudes with money.

Not all chicks.

The type of chicks
that would do that do.

Good point.

What would you do?

Besides two chicks?

Well, yeah.

Nothing.

Nothing, huh?

I would relax.

I would sit on my ass all day.

I would do nothing.

You don't need
$1 million to do that.

Look at my cousin.

He's broke, don't do shit.

Corporate accounts payable.
Nina speaking.

Just a moment.

Corporate accounts payable.
Nina speaking.

Just a moment.

Corporate accounts payable.
Nina speaking.

Just a moment.

You should ask yourself
with every decision you make

"Is this good for the company?"
"Am I helping..."

Is that the guy?

Yeah. We're screwed.

Okay, then...

I'd like to go ahead and welcome

a new member to our team here.

This is...

Bob Slydell.

Yeah.

Bob is a consultant.

Yeah. He's gonna be sort of...

helping us out a little here...

asking questions,
seeing if there are ways...

we can make things run
a little more smoothly around here.

Yeah.

And remember, next Friday...

is Hawaiian shirt day.

So, you know, if you want to,
go ahead and...

wear a Hawaiian shirt and jeans.

I said I don't care
if they lay me off.

Because I told Bill
if they move my desk one more time

then I'm quitting,
I'm going to quit.

And I told Dom, too

because they've moved my desk
four times already this year

and I used to be by the window

and I could see the squirrels,
and they were married.

Then they switched from the Swingline,
to the Boston stapler...

but I kept my Swingline
because it works better

and I kept the staples
for the Swingline.

Okay, Milton.

No, it's not okay,
because if they make me,

if they take my stapler,
then I'll...

I'll set the building on fire.

Okay, well, that sounds great.

I'll talk to you later. Bye.

Goodbye.

Come on.

Oh, for cryin'...

Hello, Peter.
What's happening?

I'm gonna need you

to go ahead
and come in tomorrow

so if you could be here
around 9:00, that would be great.

Okay?

Oh, and I almost forgot.

I'm also gonna need you
to go ahead and come in

on Sunday, too, okay?

We...

lost some people this week...

and...

we need to sort of play catch-up.

Thanks.

So I was sitting in my cubicle today
and I realized,

ever since I started working...

every single day of my life
has been worse than...

the day before it.

So that means that every single day
that you see me...

that's on the worst day of my life.

What about today?
Is today the worst day of your life?

- Yeah.
- Wow, that's messed up.

I'm sorry.

Go on.

Is there any way
that you could sort of

just zonk me out so that
I don't know

that I'm at work...
in here?

Could I come home and think that
I've been fishing all day or something?

That's really not what I do, Peter.

However...

the good news is,
I think I can help you.

I want you to do something
for me, Peter.

I want you to try and relax.

I want you to relax
every muscle in your body

beginning with your toes
to your fingertips.

Now I want you to relax your legs.

You're beginning to feel
your eyelids getting heavy

as you slip deeper and deeper

into a state
of complete relaxation.

All your cares and concerns
are disappearing.

Deeper and deeper.

Way down.

Your concern about your job...

melts away...

way...

way down.

Now, when I count backwards
from three...

you'll be in a state
of complete relaxation.

Your worries, cares,
and inhibitions will be gone...

and you will remain in that state...

until I snap my fingers.

Three.

Deeper and deeper.

Way...

way down.

Two.

Deeper and deeper...

Way down...

One.

Oh, my God!
Dr. Swanson!

- Is he breathing?
- Call 911!

Oh! Where's the phone?
Where's the goddamn phone?!

Yeah, hi, it's Bill Lumbergh.

It's about...

10 o'clock.

Yeah. Just...

wondering where you are.

Yeah. Hi.
It's Bill Lumbergh again.

I just wanted to make sure
you knew

that we did start at the
usual time this morning.

Yeah. It isn't a half day
or anything like that...

so if you could just go ahead

and get here as soon as possible...

that would be terrific.

Yeah. Hi.
It's Bill Lum...

Yeah. It's...
Yeah. Hi. It's Bill Lumber...

Yeah. It's me again.

I was away from my desk
for a minute.

Just checking in case you called
while I was gone.

Hello?

Peter, what's going on?

Huh?

It's 3:30 p.m.
Why aren't you at work?

Because I...

I didn't feel like it.

Peter, what's gotten into you?

First, you just sit there
while Dr. Swanson dies,

then you walk out of the car and
embarrass me in front of my friends.

And don't blame this on hypnosis.

That's total bull...

Listen, asshole.
Nobody hangs up on me.

We're through.

Oh, and one more thing...

I've been cheating on you!

So, from now on,
only use the new time sheets...

if you've worked on two or more
job codes in one day

and you need the extra columns
to fit it all in.

Otherwise, use the old...

Where's Peter?
I heard he didn't show up this weekend.

I don't know.

...that could really help us out.

Who's that guy?

So, any questions?

Hi. I'm Peter.

Hi. Can I help you?

What are you doin' for lunch today?

Well, our specials today
are blackened chicken.

It's actually right there
on the board. Excuse me.

Hey, look who's back!

Table for three to...

I was asking what
you were doing for lunch.

Would you like to have lunch
with me?

Are you serious?

Yeah.

Yeah. I don't think
I'm supposed to do that.

Okay, well, I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'm gonna go next door
and get a table

and if you'd like to join me...

no big deal, all right?

And if not, that's cool, too.

- Okay?
- Okay.

All right.

When you say "next door,"
do you mean Chili's or Flinger's?

Flinger's.

Okay.

What you do at Initech

is you take the specifications
from the customers

and you bring them down
to the software engineers?

Yes. That's right.

Well, then I just have to ask...

why couldn't the customers just

take them directly
to the software people, huh?

Well, I'll tell you why.

Uh, because...

engineers are not good
at dealing with customers.

So...

you physically take the specs
from the customer?

Well...

No... My secretary does that,
or they're faxed.

So then you must physically
bring them to the software people.

Well...

No.

I mean... sometimes.

What would you say
you do here?

Well, look,
I already told you.

I deal with the goddamn customers

so the engineers don't have to.

I have people skills.

I am good at dealing with people!

Can't you understand that?

What the hell is wrong
with you people?

Let's see...

You are...

Michael...

- Bolton?
- Yeah.

Is that your real name?

Yeah.

Are you any relation
to the pop singer?

No, it's just a coincidence.

I'll be honest with you,
I love his music.

- I'm a Michael Bolton fan.
- Me, too.

I don't know
if it gets any better

than when he sings
"When a Man Loves a Woman."

But you must really
love his music, huh?

Yeah, he's...

he's pretty good, I guess.

You're goddamn right, he is.

So tell me,
what's your favorite song of his?

I don't know.

I mean, I guess I sort
of like them all.

That's a riot.
I'm the exact same way.

But it must be twice as hard for you
being you have the same name.

I celebrate the guy's
entire catalogue.

Anyway, let's get down
to business, Michael.

You know,
you can just call me Mike.

Hi.

Hey.

I wonder if I'm allowed
to wear this in here?

I think it would be okay.

Would you like to sit down?

Okay.

Wow!

This place is really nice.

Yeah. Is it?

Yeah, my God,
compared to Chotchkie's!

I like the uniforms better, anyways.

I like yours.

"We're not in Kansas anymore."

Really.

It's on your...

Oh... yeah.
That's...

That's...

That's one of my pieces of flair.

What's a "piece of flair"?

Oh, it's where, you know,

like these suspenders and buttons,
they're all sort of...

We're actually required
to wear

fifteen pieces of flair.

It's really stupid, actually.

- Do you get to pick 'em yourself?
- Yeah, we do.

Although I didn't actually
choose these.

I just sort of grabbed,
you know, fifteen buttons.

I don't even know what they say.
I don't really care.

- I don't really like talking about my flair.
- Okay.

So, where do you work, Peter?

Initech.

And... Yeah?
What do you do there?

I sit in a cubicle and I update
bank software for the 2000 switch.

What's that?

Well, see, they wrote
all this bank software

and to save space

they used two digits
for the date instead of four.

So like 98 instead of 1998.

So I go through
these thousands of lines of code

and...
It doesn't really matter.

I don't like my job, and...

I don't think I'm gonna go anymore.

- You're just not gonna go?
- Yeah.

Won't you get fired?

I don't know.

But I really don't like it,
and I'm not gonna go.

So you're gonna quit?

Not really.

I'm just gonna stop going.

- When did you decide all that?
- About an hour ago.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

An hour ago.

So you're getting another job?

I don't think I'd like another job.

Well, what are you going to do
about money and bills and...

You know, I've never
really liked paying bills.

I don't think
I'm gonna do that, either.

Well, so what do you want to do?

I want to take you out to dinner.

And then I want to go back to my
apartment and watch "Kung Fu."

Do you ever watch
"Kung Fu"?

I love "Kung Fu."

- Channel 39.
- Totally.

You should come over
and watch "Kung Fu" tonight.

- Okay.
- Great.

Okay. Can we order lunch first?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Took a stapler off my desk...

Anyway, sounds great, Bob.
See you in a few.

Hi, Milton.
What's happening?

Nothing.

I'm going to have
to ask you to go ahead...

and move your desk again, so...

if you could go ahead
and get it as far back...

against that wall as possible...

that would be great.

No, because I was...

That way, we'll have some room
for some of these...

boxes and things
we need to put in here.

And...

Oh, there it is.

Here, let me just go ahead
and get that from you.

Great.

So if you could just get to that
as soon as possible...

that would be terrific, okay?

Thanks a bunch, Milton.
Goodbye.

Okay.

I could set the building on fire.

- Peter.
- Michael.

What the hell's going on?

I thought you'd come in here
and start shooting.

No. I just came to get my address book.
I'm not gonna stay.

I got a phone number
that I don't wanna lose.

What?
Peter, you're in deep shit.

You were supposed to come
in on Saturday. What were you doing?

Michael, I did nothing.

I did absolutely nothing...

and it was everything
that I thought it could be.

I hope you have a better story
for Lumbergh.

You're supposed to be at
your interview with the consultants.

The who?

The consultants.
What has gotten into you?

Oh, yeah...

Right.

Wait, Peter.
You gotta postpone it, man.

Tell 'em you've been sick.

Oh, no way.
No, I feel great.

It's the best day of my life.

Next batter looks like
a Peter Gibbons.

There you are.
We were just talking about you.

You must be Peter Gibbons.

Terrific.

I'm Bob Slydell.
This is my associate Bob Porter.

Oh, hi, Bob.
Bob.

Grab a seat and join us
for a minute or two.

What we're actually
trying to do here...

is we're trying to get a feel

for how people
spend their day at work.

So if you would,

would you walk us through
a typical day for you?

- Yeah.
- Great.

Well, I generally come in
at least fifteen minutes late.

I use the side door.
That way Lumbergh can't see me.

And after that, I just sort of space out
for about an hour.

- "Space out"?
- Yeah.

I just stare at my desk.

But it looks like I'm working.

I do that for probably
another hour after lunch, too.

I'd say in a given week...

I probably only do about
fifteen minutes of real, actual work.

Peter, would you be a good sport

and indulge us and just

tell us a little more?

Oh, yeah.

Let me tell you something
about T.P.S. Reports.

The thing is, Bob,
it's not that I'm lazy.

It's that I just don't care.

"Don't care"?

It's a problem of motivation,
all right?

Now, if I work my ass off
and Initech ships a few extra units

I don't see another dime.

So where's the motivation?

And here's something else, Bob.

I have 8 different bosses right now.

- I beg your pardon?
- Eight bosses.

- Eight?
- Eight, Bob.

So that means that
when I make a mistake...

I have eight different people
coming by to tell me about it.

That's my only real motivation,
not to be hassled.

That and the fear of losing my job.
But you know, Bob...

that'll only make someone work
just hard enough not to get fired.

Would you bear with me
for just a second, please?

Okay.

What if, and believe me...

this is strictly hypothetical,

but what if you were offered
some kind of a stock option...

equity-sharing program?

Would that do anything for you?

I don't know. I guess.
Listen, I'm gonna go.

It's been really nice talking
to both of you guys.

- Yes.
- Absolutely.

The pleasure's all
on this side of the table, trust me.

Good luck with your layoffs.
I hope your firings go really well.

- Okay.
- Thanks a lot.

So, Peter, what's happening?

Listen...

Joanna, would you
come here a minute, please?

Yeah.

I'm sorry I was late,
but I was having lunch.

- I, uh...
- We need to talk about your flair.

Really?
I have fifteen pieces on.

I also...

Well, fifteen is the minimum.

- Okay?
- Okay.

Now, it's up to you whether or not

you want to just
do the bare minimum or...

Brian, for example
has 37 pieces of flair on today.

And a terrific smile.

Okay, so you want me
to wear more?

- Joanna...
- Yeah?

People can get
a cheeseburger anywhere, okay?

They come to Chotchkie's
for the atmosphere and the attitude.

That's what the flair's about.

- It's about fun.
- Yeah.

Okay, so more then, yeah?

Look, we want you
to express yourself, okay?

Now if you feel that the bare
minimum is enough, then, okay...

but some people
choose to wear more

and we encourage that, okay?

You do want to express yourself,
don't you?

Yeah.

Okay, great, great.
That's all I ask.

Okay.

So there's three more people
we can easily lose.

Then there's Tom Synkowski.

He's useless.

Gone.

Sounds good to me.

Here's a peculiar...

- Milton Waddams.
- Who's he?

You know, squirrelly looking guy.
Mumbles a lot.

Oh, yeah.

We can't actually find a record of him
being a current employee here.

I looked into it more deeply

and I found that
apparently what happened

is that he was laid off 5 years ago

and no one ever told him about it.

But through some kind of glitch
in the payroll department

he still gets a paycheck.

So we just went ahead
and fixed the glitch.

Great.

So, Milton has been let go?

Just a second there, Professor.

We fixed the glitch.

So he won't be receiving
a paycheck anymore.

So it'll just work itself out naturally.

We like to avoid confrontation
whenever possible.

The problem is solved from your end.

I'd like to move us right along
to a Peter Gibbons.

Now, we had a chance
to meet this young man

and, boy, that's just a straight shooter

with upper management
written all over him.

Yeah.

I'm going to have to go ahead
and sort of disagree with you there.

Yeah, he's been real flaky lately,

and I'm just not sure
that he's the caliber person

that we would want
for upper management.

He's also been having some problems...

with his T.P.S. Reports.

I'll handle this.

We feel...

that the problem isn't with Peter.

It's that you haven't
challenged him enough...

- to get him really motivated.
- There it is.

Yeah, well...

I'm just not sure
about that right now.

Yeah, Bill, let me ask you
a real quick question here.

How much time
would you say you spend each week

dealing with these T.P.S. Reports?

Yeah...

Hey, Peter, man!

Check out channel nine.
It's the breast exams!

Hi, Peter.

Oh, hi, Dom.

So... Peter...

What's happening?

Now, are you going to go ahead

and have those T.P.S. Reports
for us this afternoon?

No.

Ahh... yeah...

So I guess we should
probably go ahead

and have a little talk, hmm?

Not right now, Lumbergh.
I'm kinda busy.

In fact, I'm going to have
to ask you to go ahead

and just come back another time.

I got a meeting with the Bobs
in a couple of minutes.

Uh, I wasn't aware
of a meeting with them.

Yeah, they called me at home.

That sounds good, Peter.

And, uh, we'll go ahead and...

get this all fixed up for you.

Great.

Hi, Milton.
What's happening?

I... I didn't receive
my paycheck this week.

Uh, you're going to have to talk
to payroll about that.

I did and they said...

Milt, we're gonna go ahead
and move you downstairs into storage "B."

No, I... I...

New people are coming,
and we need the space.

But there's no space...

So if you could go ahead
and pack up your stuff

and move it down there...

that would be terrific.

Okay?

Excuse me.

I believe you have my stapler, please.

You've been missing
a lot of work lately.

I wouldn't say
I've been missing it, Bob.

- Good one.
- That's terrific, Peter.

I'm sure you've... you've heard
some of the rumors

circulating around the hallways

about how we're gonna be doing a little
housecleaning with some software people.

Bob, I have heard that.
You gotta do what you gotta do.

We'll be getting rid
of these people.

First, Mr. Samir Naga...

Naga...

Naga-gonna work here
anymore, anyway.

And Mr. Mike Bolton.
Nobody's gonna miss him.

You're gonna lay off
Samir and Michael?

We're gonna bring in entry-level graduates,
farm some work out to Singapore.

- That's the usual deal.
- Standard operating procedure.

Do they know this yet?

No. No, of course not.

We find it's always better
to fire people on a Friday.

Studies have statistically shown

there's less chance of an incident
if you do it at the end of the week.

Peter, what we'd like to do
is put you into position

to have as many as four people
working right underneath you.

This is a big promotion.

Huge.

So you're going to fire Michael and Samir,
and give me more money?

Wow!

Yeah.

That's it. That's exactly what I need.
Give it to me.

Come on, you little fucker.
That's what I need. Let's do that.

Let's do exactly that,
you little fuck...

- Michael.
- Hey.

Listen to me.

What are you doing tonight?

Michael, there comes
a point in a man's life,

and maybe that time for you is now,

when it doesn't hurt to start
thinking about the future.

No offense there, Peter.
But speak for yourself there, sport.

I'm not the one who's been
flakin' out at work.

I know you had this religious
experience or whatever,

but get your shit together,
or you're gonna get canned.

Yeah, and...
Listen.

That virus you're always talking about,

the one that could rip off the company
for a bunch of money.

Yeah, what about it?

How does it work?

It's pretty brilliant.

What it does is every time
there's a bank transaction

where interest is computed,
there are thousands a day,

the computer ends up with these fractions
of a cent which it usually rounds off.

What this does is it takes
those little remainders

and puts it into an account.

- This sounds familiar.
- They did it in "Superman III."

- Right.
- An underrated movie, actually.

There were hackers that did it
in the '70s as well.

- So they check for this now.
- No, here's the thing.

Initech's so backed up with all the software
we're updating, they'd never notice.

You're right. Even if they wanted to,
they couldn't check all that code.

Thumbs up their asses.
Thumbs up their asses.

So, Michael, what's to stop you
from doing this?

It's not worth the risk.
I got a good job.

What if you didn't have a good job?

Cock gobblers!

Samir and I are the best
programmers they got.

You haven't been showin' up,
and you get to keep your job.

Actually, I'm being promoted.

- What?!
- I know, Michael.

It's completely unfair.

And I realized something today.

It's not just about me
and my dream of doing nothing.

It's about all of us together.

I don't know what happened to me
at that hypnotherapist.

Maybe it was just shock
and it's wearing off now,

but when I saw that fat man
keel over and die...

Michael, we don't have
a lot of time on this earth.

We weren't meant to spend it
this way.

Human beings were not meant
to sit in little cubicles

staring at computer screens
all day.

Filling out useless forms
and listening to eight different bosses

drone on about
mission statements.

I told those fudge packers
I liked Michael Bolton's music.

That is not right, Michael.

For five years now,
you've worked your ass off

hoping for a promotion,
profit sharing, or something.

Five years

of your mid-twenties now gone.

And you're gonna go in tomorrow,
they're gonna throw you out on the street.

You know why?

So that Bill Lumbergh's stock
will go up a quarter of a point.

Michael, let's make
that stock go down

and let's take enough money
out of that place

so that we never have to
sit in a cubicle ever again.

Your software works, right?

Of course it works.
That's not the point.

Even if I wanted to,
I wouldn't know how to install it.

I don't know the credit union's
software well enough.

Yeah, but Samir does.

- But that's not much money.
- That's the beauty of it.

Each withdrawal, it's a fraction
of a cent, too small to notice.

But you take a few thousand
withdrawals a day,

you space it out over a couple of years,
that's a few hundred thousand dollars.

It's like "Superman III."

"Superman lll"?

I have to leave now.
I have to get my r?sum? ready.

Get your r?sum? ready.
For what?

For another job where
they can fire you for no reason?

That's right.
If I'm lucky.

I don't know about you guys,
but I'm tired of being pushed around.

Aren't you?

Yes, but I'm not going to do
anything illegal.

Illegal?
Samir, this is America.

Come on. Sit down.

Come on.
This isn't Riyadh.

They're not going
to saw your hands off here.

The worst they'd do is put you
for a couple of months

into a white-collar,
minimum-security resort.

Shit, we should be so lucky.
They have conjugal visits there.

- Really?
- Yes.

Shit!

I'm a free man. I haven't had
a conjugal visit in six months.

So what do you think?

This thing is actually
pretty fail-safe, Samir.

Samir?

You came here looking
for a land of opportunity.

And this is the knock
of that opportunity.

Tomorrow is your last day
at Initech.

You have two options...

unemployment
or early retirement.

What's it gonna be?

- I have a question.
- Yes?

In this conjugal visits,
you can have sex with women?

Yep, you sure can.

I'll do it.

That's what I'm talkin' about
when I talk about America!

Can we discuss the plan?

Okay, yeah, good, right.

It works like a computer virus.

All we do is load it into the credit union's
mainframe. It'll do the rest.

Get me that disk,
and I'll take it from there.

But before we go any further, all right,

we have to swear to God, Allah,

that nobody knows about this
but us, all right?

No family members,
no girlfriends. Nobody.

- Of course.
- Agreed.

Don't worry, man!
I won't tell anyone, either.

- What the fuck is that?
- Don't worry. He's cool.

All right. Here's how
I see it all going down.

Peter, congratulations.
This is one heck of a promotion.

Thank you, Bob.

We'll get some people under you
right away.

That was easy.

- Yeah, I guess it was.
- What'd you do with the...

Hey, man.

Oh, hey, Drew.

- You guys hear about Tom Smykowski?
- That he got laid off?

No, man, check it out.

Last week, after he found out
he was getting laid off

he tries to kill himself
by running the car in the garage.

Is he dead?

No, man, check it out.

His wife comes home early
and catches him.

He tries to play it off
like nothing happened.

I was having some trouble
with the shifter here.

It's jammed.
I couldn't get it into drive.

- I mean, reverse.
- You okay, Tom?

Then as he's lookin' at her

he decides he wants to live.

Yeah, I think I'm okay.

Right.

Seems to be working now.

See you later, honey.

Love ya.

But as soon as he backs
out of his driveway... Bam!

He gets slammed big-time
by a drunk driver.

- Is he okay?
- Sort of.

Broke both his wrists, legs,
a couple of ribs, his back.

But he's getting
a huge settlement out of this.

Like seven figures. He's getting out
of the hospital tomorrow.

He's throwing a big party this weekend
to celebrate. We're all invited.

I'm thinking I might take
that new chick from logistics.

Things go well, I might be
showing her my "Oh" face.

Oh, oh, oh...

You know what I'm talking about.
Oh.

Yeah. Right.

See you guys there.

Wow, our last day at Initech.

I can't believe
they had security escort us out.

It's not like
we're going to steal something.

I stole something.

Yeah. I guess we all did.

No, I stole something else.

What did you steal?

Call it a going-away present.

Who's got my keys?

I'm driving.

Everything is gonna be okay.

All right? Okay?

It's fun, and it's exciting.

I gotta... I gotta go.
All right?

Joanna's coming over.

Don't worry.
You're worrying. All right?

Monday morning, we're gonna
check the account balance.

Everything will be okay.

Don't miss Tom's barbecue.
I'll see you there.

All right? Good night!

Back up in your ass
with the resurrection.

What were you guys
celebrating last night?

Oh, um... I'm not really
at liberty to talk about it.

I really can't.

So, when the subroutine
compounds the interest,

it uses all these extra decimal places
that just get rounded off.

So we simplified the whole thing
and we round 'em all down

and drop the remainder
into an account that we opened.

So you're stealing?

No, you don't understand.

It's, uh, very complicated.
It's, uh...

It's aggregate, so I'm talking
about fractions of a penny.

And over time,
they add up to a lot.

Okay. So you're gonna make
a lot of money, right?

- Yeah.
- Right.

It's not yours?

Well, it becomes ours.

How is that not stealing?

I don't think
I'm explaining this very well.

Um, the 7-Eleven, right?

You'd take a penny from the tray.

- From the crippled children?
- No, that's the jar.

I'm talking about the tray...
the pennies for everybody.

For everybody. Okay.

Well, those are whole pennies.

I'm just talking about
fractions of a penny, okay?

But we do it from a much bigger tray
and we do it a couple of million times.

So what's wrong with that?

I don't know.
It just seems wrong.

It's not wrong.

Initech is wrong.

Initech is an evil corporation, all right?
Chotchkie's is wrong.

Doesn't it bother you that you have
to put on a bunch of pieces of flair?

Yeah, but I'm not about to go in
and start taking money from the register.

Well, maybe you should.

The Nazis had pieces of flair
that they made the Jews wear.

What?

Look, we don't...

We don't have
to talk about this now.

Let's just go to the barbecue,
all right?

Michael, Samir,
how you doin'

- Hey, Tom.
- Hello, Tom.

I'd like you to meet
my lawyer Rob Newhouse.

Rob, Michael. Samir.

Peter! How are you?
I'm glad you could make it.

Tom, hi. This is somebody
I'd like you to meet.

- This is Joanna.
- Hi.

Hi. Forgive me
for not getting up.

Peter, come here a minute.
I wanna show you something.

What do you think?
It's a prototype.

Huh. That's...

That's exactly as you described it.

Listen, I heard about
your settlement.

Congratulations.

Thanks, Peter.

You know, I'm glad you're here,
because I wanted to talk to you.

I know how you get depressed
about your job and all,

and I just wanted you to know
that I know how you feel.

I used to be the same way.

- Really?
- Sure.

Maybe I didn't whine as much.

But I bet I hated my job
even more than you,

and I'd been doing it
for over thirty years.

Wow.

Just remember, if you
hang in there long enough,

good things can happen
in this world.

I mean, look at me.

Thanks, Tom.

Sure.

Conjugal visits?
Not that I know of.

Minimum-security prison
is no picnic.

I have a client in there
right now.

He says the trick is

kick someone's ass the first day
or become someone's bitch.

Then everything
will be all right.

Why do you ask, anyway?

Oh, no, we just...

- Hey, Peter.
- Drew.

That's something
about old Smykowski, huh?

- Yeah.
- Lucky bastard.

Hey, isn't that the girl
that works over at Chotchkie's?

Yep.

Who's she here with?

She's with me.

- Really?
- Yep.

All right, Peter.
Ooh, ooh, right on.

Make sure you wear a rubber,
dude.

Why's that, Drew?

Are you kidding me?

She gets around.
All right?

She does, does she?

Oh, yeah, like a record.

Like with who?

Oh, let's see, uh...

Hell, Lumbergh fucked her.

Let me see, who else?

Lumbergh?

What if you get caught?

Oh, I just don't know
if this was such a good idea.

Maybe it wasn't such a good idea
for you to sleep with Lumbergh.

What?

What are you...

Oh, right, Lumbergh.

Oh, God. Lumbergh!

Peter, what is wrong with you?

That was like two years ago.
What? Did you know him?

Yeah, I know him.
I know him.

He's my boss.

He's my unholy,
disgusting pig of a boss.

Oh, he's not that disgusting.

He represents all
that is soulless and wrong,

and you slept with him.

Hey, that is none
of your business, okay?

I didn't ask you who you slept with
before we were together.

I don't care.

I didn't think you
slept with guys like Lumbergh!

Listen to you.

Who do you think you are?
How dare you judge me?

I mean, what are you?
You think you're an angel?

No, you're just this penny-stealing

wannabe criminal man.

Yeah, well, that may be.

But at least I never
slept with Lumbergh.

Okay, I'm done.

I wanna get out of the car, okay?
Stop.

Call me when you grow up.

That's probably never gonna happen,
so don't call me, okay?

Say hello to Lumbergh for me!

Hell, Lumbergh fucked her.

Lumbergh fucked her.

Lumbergh fucked her.

That is great.

I mean, she was seeing
the "Oh" face for sure.

Ohh, ohh, ohh.

Ooh.

If you could just move
a little bit to the left.

That's it. Great.

Peter, what's happening?

Could you give me those
T.P.S. Reports ASAP, okay?

- Joanna.
- Yeah.

We need to talk.

Do you know what this is about?

My, uh, flair?

Yeah.

Or your lack of flair,
because

I'm counting,
and I only see fifteen pieces.

Let me ask you a question,
Joanna.

What do you think of a person
who only does the bare minimum?

What do I think?
You know what, Stan?

If you want me to wear
thirty-seven pieces of flair

like your pretty boy
over there, Brian,

why don't you just make the minimum
thirty-seven pieces of flair?

Well, I thought
I remembered you saying

that you wanted
to express yourself.

Yeah. You know what? I do.
I do want to express myself.

And I don't need thirty-seven
pieces of flair to do it.

All right?
There's my flair. Okay?

And this is me
expressing myself. Okay?

There it is.

I hate this job.

I hate this goddamn job,
and I don't need it.

Oh, shit.

- Shit.
- Shit.

- Shit.
- Son of a bitch.

- Shit.
- This is a fuck.

- Son of a bitch!
- What happened?

You tell me, Michael!
It's your software!

Yes, it's your software.

Corporate accounting
is sure as hell gonna notice

three hundred five thousand,
three hundred

twenty-six thirteen, Michael!

Oh, shit.

They probably won't know it's gone
for another three or four days.

Michael! You said this thing
was gonna take two years.

What happened? You said
the thing was supposed to work!

- Technically, it did work.
- No, it didn't!

It did not work, Michael, okay?

Okay.

I must have put a decimal point
in the wrong place or something.

I always do that. I always
mess up some mundane detail.

Oh! Well, this is not
a mundane detail, Michael!

Quit getting pissed at me.

This was all your idea, asshole.

All right. Okay.

Let's try not to get
pissed off at each other.

Let's calm down, try to figure
this thing out together.

We gotta close that account
before it gets bigger.

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday, Mr. Lumbergh

Happy birthday to you

Looks terrific.

Here, Peg, you wanna
get everybody started?

Oh, that is terrific.

Just terrific.

Thanks, everybody.
I really, really appreciate it.

It's very special.

Now, Milton, don't be greedy.

Let's pass it along and make
sure everyone gets a piece.

But last time I didn't
receive a piece and I was told...

Just pass.

Okay, here. But this...
If there...

The cake...
There's lots of cake?

The ratio of people to cake
is too big.

I could set
the building on fire.

Is there some way
to just give the money back?

Hand them a check for the exact
amount they're missing?

I think they'd figure that out.

Well, we have to do something.

Maybe we could launder
the money.

That's a great idea.
How do we do that?

I don't know.
I don't even know what it means.

I was hoping you knew.
I think coke dealers do it.

Okay, all right.
Do we know any coke dealers?

My cousin's a cokehead.

Fuck. We're in deep shit.

Yes, we are in very,
very deep shit.

- Milton.
- Yes.

What's happening?

Say, Milton,
you know what'd be great?

But... no.

Since you're down here,

it would be really great
if you could just sort of

take care of the cockroach
problem we've had in here.

That's really not my job, and I
haven't received my paycheck...

For now, why don't you go ahead

and get yourself a flashlight
and a can of pesticide and crawl down...

Bill?
We need you upstairs right away.

We got a big problem... big.

Some major glitch in accounting,
a lot of money missing.

'Scuse me.

'Scuse me.

Okay, but that's the last straw.

Here we go, here we go.

Launder.
"To clean," no. "To wash..."

Here it is.
"To conceal the source of money

"as by channeling it through
an intermediary."

"To conceal..."

That doesn't really
help us, Michael.

I can't believe what
a bunch of nerds we are,

looking up "money laundering"
in a dictionary.

Yeah, well, you guys
can both eat my ass, okay?

I can't believe Joanna slept with Lumbergh.
That's what I can't believe.

- Yeah. You didn't know that?
- You didn't know that?

A couple of years ago,
before he moved to Atlanta.

You mean Ron Lumbergh,
the Initrode guy? The young guy?

Yeah.
Who'd you think I meant? Bill?

Her fucking...
Her children would have hooves.

Ron's not related to Bill,
is he?

Who's that?

All right, nobody panic.
Probably just Lawrence.

Good evening, sir. My name is Steve.
I come from a rough area.

I used to be addicted to crack,
but now I'm off and trying to stay clean.

That is why I'm selling
magazine subscriptions.

- No, no.
- Wait a minute.

You used to be
addicted to crack?

Yeah. Um...

Look, I'm very sorry.

I do not know anything
about any money laundering.

We're not asking you
about money laundering.

- All we need is for you to hook us...
- if he doesn't know anybody...

No. Wait a minute.

Look, you just give us
the name of one drug dealer.

I could talk to him.
I have good networking skill.

I lied.

That stuff I said about being a crackhead
just helps me sell magazines.

I'm actually an unemployed
software engineer.

- You're a software engineer?
- Yep.

Things, they must be
very rough for you.

Actually, man,

I make more money selling magazine
subscriptions than I ever did at Initrode.

At Initrode?

Wait. You're not gonna tell anybody
about all this stuff we told you.

We know a lot of
the same people. That's...

Actually, that all depends.

What am I gonna do with
forty subscriptions to "Vibe"?

We never should have done this.
What were we thinking?

You know what I can't figure out?

How is it that all these stupid Neanderthal
Mafia guys can be so good at crime

and smart guys like us
can suck so badly at it?

We're new to it, though.

If we had more experience...

No. You know what I think?
I think we're screwed.

I think there's enough evidence
all over that building to link us to this.

Even if we could launder money,
I wouldn't want to.

What we've done is bad enough.

We get caught laundering, we're not
going to white-collar resort prison.

No. We're going to federal
"pound me in the ass" prison.

I don't want to go
to any prison.

Why the hell did I do this?

I've never done anything wrong
in my whole life.

We weren't thinking clearly because
you told us we were losing our jobs.

Now look at us, we're worried
about going in a prison.

Don't worry about it.
I'll think of something.

- I'm going home.
- Me, too.

You are a very bad person, Peter.

Lawrence, you awake?

Yeah.

- You wanna come over?
- No, thanks, man.

I don't want you
fucking up my life, too.

In light of the senselessness
of these heinous crimes

that you have committed
against Initech,

I hereby sentence you,
Michael Bolton

and Samir Naan... Nanadajibad

to a term of no less
than four years

in a federal
"pound me in the ass" prison.

Peter Gibbons,

you've led a trite
and meaningless life

and you're a very bad person.

Hey.

You're not working
at Chotchkie's anymore, huh?

No, no. I got fired.

- What happened?
- I flipped off my boss.

Some customers...

Actually, a line cook but he just happened
to be standing there.

I might be going away
for a while.

To jail.

You were right about that computer scam.
That was a bad idea.

I'm gonna take the blame for it,
I decided.

I'm on my way now
to return the money

and leave the confession
under Lumbergh's door.

I want to apologize.

I had no right to get pissed off
at you about Lumbergh.

Lumbergh is not my problem.
It wasn't even the right Lumbergh.

I don't know why I can't just
go to work and be happy

like I'm supposed to,
like everybody else.

Peter, most people
don't like their jobs.

But you go out there and find
something that makes you happy.

Yeah. Well.

I may never be happy at my job,

but I think that if I could be with you
that I could be happy with my life.

I've been a real asshole.

But if you'd give it
another shot, I promise...

Okay, shut up.

Whoa! Hey, what's going on here?

Get a room, you two!
Ha ha!

I hate that guy.

Then Mr. Lumbergh
told me to talk to payroll

and then payroll told me
to talk to Mr. Lumbergh.

And I still haven't received
my paycheck.

And he took my stapler,
and he never brought it back.

Then they moved my desk to storage room
"B," and there was garbage on it...

Go back down and sit at your desk.
Mr. Lumbergh should be here any minute.

- Mr. Lumbergh...
- Just go sit at your desk.

Okay, but I'm gonna just...

I have to take my stapler back

because I told him it's my stapler.

It's my stapler.

A Swingline, the brand
I've been using for a long time.

Lawrence, you in there?

Whoa.
Hey, Peter, man.

Hey.

So, I might be going away for a while.

Yeah, I know, man.

It's a bummer.
What can I say?

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, time to go face the music.

You take care of yourself
if I don't see you, all right?

You too, man.
Take her easy, bud.

All right.

- Hey, Peter.
- Yeah?

Watch out for your cornhole, bud.

Okay, Lawrence.

Stay clear, now.
Stay clear.

Holy shit.

Wait a minute.
Let me take a look at that.

You don't want that, Peter, man.
That's toasted, man.

I think I know someone
who might want this.

Hey, man.

Wanna go to lunch?

Brought mine in a pail. Plus Joanna's
supposed to come by a little later.

So, how do you like your new job?

Not too bad, not too bad.

How's Penetrode?

Initrode.

- They're all right.
- It's work.

Yeah, yeah.

Probably get you a job there.

No, thanks.

I'm doing good here.

So, uh,
we're gonna be okay, right?

Yeah.

I think the fire pretty much
took care of everything.

I wonder if the money burn up.

- It would be shame.
- Yeah.

So you sure you don't
want us to get you a job?

That's one thing
I'm definitely sure of.

All right, chief.

- You guys take care.
- All right.

Stay in touch, man.

Okay. Will do.

This isn't so bad, huh?

Making bucks, getting exercise,
working outside.

Fuckin' "A."

Fuckin' "A."

Excuse me.
Excuse me, se?or.

May I speak to you, please?

I asked for a mai tai,
and they brought a pi?a colada.

And I said no salt, no salt
for the margarita, but it had salt on it.

Lo siento mucho, se?or.
Pinche gringo.

I won't be leaving a tip,
'cause I could...

I could shut
this whole resort down.

Sir?

I'll take my traveler's checks
to a competing resort.

I could write a letter
to your board of tourism

and I could have this place
condemned.

I could put, I could put
strychnine in the guacamole.

There was salt on the glass,
big grains of salt.

Give a ride
on the old bone roller coaster.

Don't come back
in a dress, man.

You big fag.

I'm working at Hooters now,
you know, and it's very cool.