Odd Jobs (1986) - full transcript

(Max)
How do I look, guys?

(Woody)
It's a magazine interview, Max.

(Max)
Well, I know, but just in case
she brings a photographer--

(Byron)
This is so great.

Entrepreneurs of the year.

[Laughing]
I can't even spell it.

And we are it.
It's great.

(Kathy)
Hi, I'm Kathy
from business life magazine.

So what do you say
we get right down to work here?

Now, who is going to be
telling the story?

(Max)
Where would you
like us to start?



(Kathy)
Well, let's start
way back at the beginning.

(Roy)
Well, in the beginning,

the earth was ruled
by enormous reptiles

trampling foliage
and villagers.

(Max)
Roy, that's too far back.

(Roy)
Oh, I'm sorry.

(Max)
It seemed like it would be
just another summer.

Little did I know that I would
be making major decisions,

crucial decisions,

decisions that would affect
the rest of our lives.

Too much cardboard
right up front.

That's wrong.

That's wrong.

Alternate.
You alternate.



Put the suitcase...

This goes on top;
I know that. Okay.

(Man)
C'mon, let's get out of here.

Watch this.

Watch what happens.

That's wrong.

You've been out here
for four hours, Max.

There's nothing on the truck.

Hey, who's working

as a professional mover
this summer?

You're working as a mover.

Thank you.

Who knows the difference

between a reefer strap
and a hump Dolly?

Or a hump--
who knows the difference--

uh, a hump strap
and a reefer Dolly?

I know what they are.

Max, it's not supposed
to take this long.

Dwight, packing a truck,

it's a very delicate,
it's a very complicated deal.

Look, you want to--

you can do it your way:
Rush things and get it wrong.

Or you can do it
my way

and get it right.

What do you want to do?

That's a choice.

Heads up, wood man.

How're you doing?

Why do they call you
wood man?

I'll tell you one thing.

It's not because
of the toothpick.

I think your tie's
a little crooked there.

I could use a hand
here, Byron.

Dwight, you know,
I'm thinking about this

moving thing.

We are thinking
so small.

We're not thinking big.

The entire universe
is moving, right?

Why do we have
to move within that?

The universe, Byron?

I'll let the universe
move your stuff.

This whole school year's
gone by so fast.

I-i-i feel like as though
I've missed a great deal of it.

That about does it.

Let's go.

Where's Roy?

He said he'd be down
in a second.

I really enjoyed
our little exchange.

Here goes.

Ah, this is exhilarating.

Excuse me.
Pardon me.

Ah, pard--
uh-oh.

I didn't plan
on this.

Ah, ah, ow!

Oh, ooh!

[Screaming]

(Man)
♪ never gonna look back. ♪

♪ Headin' down
the right track. ♪

♪ Never felt this way before. ♪

(Max)
It wasn't long before we were
on the road to greatness.

(Roy)
I thought we were
on the interstate, Max.

(Max)
It's just an expression, Roy.

(Roy)
Well, I was stuck
on the cul-de-sac of life.

(Max)
That's too many expressions,
Roy.

♪ ♪

♪ lightning
never strikes twice, does it? ♪

♪ Ready now to play dice. ♪

♪ And you know we play to win. ♪

(Max)
It was just the five of us,

your average bunch
of normal guys.

How's--how's, uh,
therapy going?

Good, good.

You know,
I always enjoyed it.

How's yours going?

Good. Do they
give you drugs?

No, do you get drugs?

Well, yeah.

♪ And now is
such the prime time. ♪

(Max)
There were just the five of us,

but working together,
nothing could stop us.

Working together,
we could overcome any obstacle.

(Woody)
Working together
was out of the question, man.

(Byron)
So long, wood man.

See ya guys.

(Max)
All right.

Only Byron and Dwight actually
planned on working together.

Then you can
do anything--

tells you about golf?

Yeah, perfect example.

Let's look at golf.
What is it?

You've got to hit
that little ball

in that
little hole, right?

Right.
Very freudian.

Very freudian.

(Dwight)
I'm telling you, Byron.

Being a caddie
is a piece of cake.

All you gotta do
is pick up the balls

and carry the bags.

Be nice to the golfers,
and they give you big tips.

That's good for me.

I can deal
with people like that.

How come your dad's
not picking you up this year?

Oh, yeah, well,

he's working
on this big military contract.

My father's
working on

lawn equipment for third-world
nations that require

armed lawn equipment.

I don't know
they have that.

Well, they do now,
thanks to my dad.

You get the little ball
in the little hole.

How many holes?
18 holes?

Divide that by two.
What do you got?

Nine.
Nine months...

(Max)
We were all
going our separate ways

to our various odd jobs,
but still we remain close.

So, uh, how's, uh,
Sally doing?

Good.

Do you talk to her a lot?

No, probably haven't spoken
to her for two--

about, like, two--
two or five months.

Oh, that's--
that's love.

Yeah, because it's--

you know,
it's unspoken.

I didn't talk to my father
for about three months once,

and he took my birth certificate
and destroyed it.

(Max)
That's not very normal.

(Roy)
Well, then again,
neither is my father.

(Max)
It was the end of another
long, hard year of college.

(Woody)
You think it's easy spending
all your parents' money?

(Byron)
Yeah, but from then on,

we were going to be
supporting ourselves.

(Dwight)
Making our own living.

(Max)
Working toward
that American dream

with two cars
in every garage.

(Kathy)
Speaking of which,

wasn't that the summer
of the car theft crisis?

(Max)
All right,
one car in every garage.

Roy wasn't sure what he was
going to be doing that summer.

(Roy)
My dad wanted me to do
freelance work

as a mercenary
in south America.

[Over bullhorn]
Identify yourselves.

It's me, dad,

your son Roy,
you know, serial number one.

So will you be kicking
some commie ass?

You idiot!

It's nighttime.

I'm going to the market.

The market's not open
at this hour.

[Laughing]

It will be.

Now get
on the front yard

and dig your dinner trench,
you wimp.

K-rations at 2100.

Yes, sir.
See you around, Roy.

Nice tank.

I can dig you guys
a trench if you--

on the double!

Move out.
Let's go.

Hut, hut, hut, hut.

See you, Max.

Take it easy.

(Max)
So long, guys.
I'll call you tomorrow.

Listen, Dwight,
I gotta thank you.

This thing with
your parents

putting me up
for the whole summer.

It's great.
I really appreciate it.

Oh, it's no problem.

I told you
my family's cool.

I mean, I know
they're cool.

I mean, they're black, right?

I mean, you're black;
They're black.

Of course they're
going to be cool, man.

Just relax.
Just relax.

Dwight, of course
I'm going to relax.

I mean, I know how
to relate to people.

I mean, I'm a people person,
right?

We all know that.

I'm going to relax.

I can deal with this.

Just be cool.

Yeah, I mean,
be cool, right?

Be cool...Yeah.

[Impersonating James brown]
Wow!

Hot pants.

(Man)
♪ order, order.
Order in the courtroom. ♪

♪ Wait a minute. ♪

♪ I didn't do nothin'. ♪ ♪

Byron.

♪ ♪

Hi, sweetheart.

You look good.

[Soulfully]
Dr. Lawrence.

Whoa, what's happening?

Ooh, Mrs. Lawrence,

that dress is
all the way live.

You people got some
serious crib, yeah.

It's fresh.
I like it.

Yeah.

He's majoring in
the black studies program

at school.

(Byron)
You know, I really enjoyed
living at your house, Dwight.

(Dwight)
Yeah, Byron, well,
you almost died there too.

(Max)
And me?

Well, I rushed right into the
arms of the woman I loved.

It's simple.

Simple.

I'll just tell her, "Sally,

"I know I said I wasn't ready
for a serious relationship

"and that we should
see other people,

"but I made a mistake.

"I don't want to see
anybody else,

"and I know you're not
seeing anybody else

except maybe this guy."

You know, sal, I'd never
met anyone that didn't like me,

but then what's not
to like?

Max.

Sally.

Hey, come on, babe.

[Engine pops]

Nice truck, dude.

Would you hold on
a second, spud?

Spud?
That's the guy's name?

Spud?

I've never met a person
named spud.

Why haven't you called?

I don't know.

I thought I would just,
you know, kind of surprise you

and show up, so I did.

We've got to talk, Max.

Absolutely.
I think we should talk.

Let's talk now;
I'm free.

(Spud)
Hey, come on, sal.

Talk's cheap.

Let's book.

You don't understand.

If you would have just
called once.

I understand.

Sally, you don't have
to explain things to me.

I'm a big boy,
and I'm fine.

I'm going to be busy anyway.

I didn't tell you I got a job
starting tomorrow.

(Max)
Well, I didn't stay
depressed too long.

I threw myself into my work,

where I found myself a member
of the cabrizzi brothers'

elite team
of moving professionals.

Zwoop! Zwoop!

[Uproarious laughter]

You could have
served that one up for lunch,

Frankie.

(Max)
They were truly a rare breed.

I'm not sure which species,

but they were definitely
a rare breed.

You been to a dentist?

[Whirring drill noise]

Nicky, Nicky, please.

You know how that
disturbs me.

Please don't do that.

(Roy)
I can't believe you actually
had to work with those guy, Max.

(Max)
Right, of course,

you worked for a fortune 500
company that summer.

(Roy)
Actually it was more like
a misfortune 500 company,

[rousing music and clapping]

(Man)
If god were alive today,

he would buy a monty
vacuum cleaner.

And do you know
who he'd buy it from?

He would buy it from you!

And you!

And you.

Say hallelujah.

(All)
♪ hallelujah. ♪ ♪

I want you

to get out there
and sell those house suckers.

Any questions?

(Woody)
How do you guys expect to work
with classy people

unless you're a classy guy?

Good evening.

Whoa.

That was a badass year.

I think you're going
to really like this.

(Max)
Yeah, or unless your
uncle Lou owns the restaurant.

Woodrow?

Oh, yeah, thanks, froggie.

Yeah, I needed this.

I think these things just--

just pop--
just pop right off.

Oh, oh, oh.
Oh, oh.

I think it's time
to check the roast.

(Dwight)
You had better luck with
relatives than I did, Woody.

(Byron)
Hey, what are you talking about?

Right from the first day,
I felt like part of the family.

[Silverware tinkling]

Yo, these are good grits,
Mrs. Lawrence.

Those are
rice krispies, Byron.

(Byron)
Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I can see them

snap, crackle, and pop lockin'
in my bowl.

Check it out, man.

They spinnin'
on their heads.

Yo, Brad.

You see Dr. J
the other night?

Dr. J, the brother
know basketball, man.

He know da hoops.

He like Ali.

He da Ali
of basketball.

Ali's another good one.

Ow, man, don't be kicking me,
Dwight.

Let the brother be free, man.

Abraham Lincoln
gave us all freedom.

Mr. Lawrence,

roots.
I seen roots.

Two or three times
in reruns, man.

It changed my life,
Mr. Lawrence,

to see the brother fightin'

for the struggle
against oppression.

Oh, man,
that's some cold shit.

They try that shit with me,
I'd be all in their face.

I'd say, "what are you
talking about?

That's some bullshit."

[Whistling]

♪ ♪

(Max)
Right from the first day,
I learned a lot

about the fine art
of residential relocation.

[Glass shattering]

It's a very delicate thing.

[Whistling]

Hey, Nicky.

(Max)
I learned the lingo.

This place is gonna be
a cakewalk.

This antique cardboard
frenchy faggot shit.

[Laughs]

Hey, you're a pretty strong guy.

You lift weights?

[Laughing]
Lift weights!

(Max)
I learned the moves.

Frankie.
[Whistling]

(Frankie)
Yes!

[Laughter]

Hey, dickweed.

Ya thirsty?

[Top pops]

(Max)
Not right now, later.

Or now is good too.

[Cackling]

(Max)
I learned you should never
lift something you can't lift.

(Roy)
On my first day,

I was made head sales
representative for my zone.

(Woody)
Yeah, the twilight zone.

[Laughter]

(Roy)
Yeah, I didn't see
that signpost up ahead.

[Banjo music]

Nice reception.

You know, this is actually
my favorite movie.

But I didn't find it
all that believable.

I...

Then again,
that's just my opinion.

Uh...

[Inhaling rapidly]

[Swallows hard]

[Sighs]

Ahh!

Hey, Earl.

Some guy out here
wants to sell us some more crap.

(Roy)
What happened?
Ball lightning?

(Woman)
No, we had some rain
last week, though.

(Roy)
Oh, man, well, that'll happen
when you don't have a roof.

(Woman)
Yeah.

Uh, shoplifting
a problem here?

Hi, honey.

Slap!

God dang.

Mmm.

La-la-la.

Oh, fellers,
this here's Roy.

Roy, this is Earl.

He's my cousin
and my brother

and my husband.

Now, this here's Lester.

He's my uncle
and my first husband.

We broke up, but we're
still "friends."

It's a pleasure, Roy.

[Woman laughing]

Well, I'll see
y'all later.

I still have a whole mess

sheep to tend to.

Mmm.

Here I come.

Boy, that Lester.

He's a real
slop jockey, ain't he?

[Laughing]

Well, honey,
can I help ya?

Thud!

So what you got
in that fancy case of yours,

rooooooy?

Well, folks, I'd like
you to meet

the monty 6000.

[Dramatic music]

It's a nuclear vacuum cleaner.

Uh-ooh?

[Rumbling]

♪ ♪

Well, that's the monty 6000
for you, folks.

Sort of the .44 Magnum
of vacuum cleaners.

How much you say
they cost?

Earl, I want it.

Oh, um...

[Mumbling]
$2,500.

Earl, get it for me.

How much?

$2,500.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'll take it.

[Woman squealing]

(Roy)
Well, that was my first sale.

It was the kind of incentive
a salesman lives for.

(Byron)
Hey, the first day
is always the toughest.

Whtoo!

What did I tell you?

Is caddying a breeze,
or what?

Oh, it's great.
It's great.

You know,
I gotta tell you.

I have finally
figured this game out.

Really?
Oh, yeah.

There's something
very primitive about it.

Young men with clubs
trying to prove their manhood

in the open field.

This is...

Uh, they're following
their animalistic urges,

struggle for survival
with nothing but a stick.

They're beasts.

Watch this.

Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo!

(Man)
He needs to work
on his grip.

(Man)
He's moving his left hand...

Poof!
[Shattering]

Marvelous shot, j.B.

Marvelous.

Great shot.

You've really
got your shit together.

(Woody)
Well, I found out pretty quick

the key to making tips
is personality.

Let me get that
for you, there.

That is a very lovely
dress you're wearing.

That's a great tie.

Ooh.

You.

What do I have to do
to get a fresh glass of water?

What am I?
Your slave?

[Unzipping]
[Gasping]

[Zipping]
Just kidding.

Why don't you give me
a little kiss right--

ooh!
Ooooh!

[Man over radio]
And in local news,

the car theft crisis
continues unabated.

Mayor Brady
and local insurance carriers

have established a reward
totalling $50,000

for information leading
to the arrest and conviction

of the thieves.

And on the national scene,

the Pentagon has cancelled
its program

to send armed lawn equipment
to third world nations.

When asked if there was
a great need

for such equipment...

(Nicky)
Frankie.

Moogy bite!

[Screaming]

Ow!

Come on,
that really hurts.

[Laughing]

Come on, Nicky.

Come on.

[Laughing]

[Synthesizer music]

♪ ♪

This place is weird, man.

Yeah.

I think I like it.

I-I think--
I think we could, uh,

all go for another
round of drinks all around.

Yes!

Okay, that'll do it.
Thank you.

When, when, when.

Thank you
so much.

Hey, isn't that
your old boyfriend over there?

Nice guy.

So, sal, what do you
think we'll do later?

Max, whenever I have
this problem,

this first think
I do is--

how are
you doing, guys?

(All)
Great, great.

Max has got
a problem.

I know what you'd do.

I'm not like you.

Now, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

Okay, now, Sally is
a very sensitive girl.

I know.

What you've
got to do is,

you have to be
aware of her needs.

You have to understand
her desires.

Basically what you've
got to do, Max, is,

you've got to treat her
like a woman.

Well, how do I do that?

Boff her.

I don't know why
I talk to you guys.

Can I explain something?

First of all,

I don't know
when I'm going

to even get to talk
to Sally.

Tomorrow they're
sending me out on the road.

I'm going out
with another trucker that--

I don't even know
who this guy is.

In the meantime,
she's still seeing this--

this scud--this spud.

(All)
Spud.

Oh,
that's spud.

Yeah, that's him.

Do you want
to see a little magic?

I used to want
to be a magician.

Watch this.

Comin' out your nose.
It's green.

[Laughing]

Spud.
That's disgusting.

Max, I think you have to
settle something over there.

What am i--
do it.

Do it now.

Max, what are
you doing?

He's got to talk
to spud.

Go, Max, go.

I have to talk--
I'm sorry.

I have to talk to you.

Take a hike, there,
fruit loop.

But I don't think this is
really the right place.

Um, I'll tell you later.

You think Sally
has any respect for me?

(Woody)
No.

But I bet she feels
sorry for you, Max.

Hey, pity's okay.

I like pity.

Yeah, you've got
to make the best

of what you've got.

Max, it's not
that bad.

I mean, really.

I mean, look at it
like this.

It's not just anybody
that gets a week

on the road
with a real trucker.

You know, Max,
this could be great.

Yeah,
the fresh air,

the open road.

Yeah, roadside sex.

Good food.

Here's a guy who's got
his own truck.

He's his own man.

You know how much
these guys make?

The independent guys?

A fortune.
They make a fortune.

(Byron)
You know, Max,

this could be
a great education.

(Max)
These guys are smart.

You know, Max,

truckers are the backbone
of the country.

Max, they're good people.

(Wylie)
Hey, you.

Come here, boy.

I want to give you
a big sloppy kiss.

[Laughing]

[Horn blaring]

(Max)
I soon came to realize

that there a lot of strange
and wonderful people

in this moving business.

(Byron)
Hey, Max, did you meet
any of the wonderful ones?

(Max)
It's easy to make fun, guys,
very easy.

(Kathy)
What does it mean when you say
this guy wylie

was an independent?

(Max)
Okay, you see, the cabrizzis
get more work

than they can actually handle.

So they hire guys like wylie
to do it,

and then they pay him
less than they're getting.

So they make money,

and they don't even
do any of the work.

(Byron)
Yeah, they make money
the old-fashioned way:

Like slavery.

[Laughter]

(Max)
Actually I was hoping
that the long trip

would help me
forget about Sally.

But the problem was,

wylie only seemed to have
one thing on his mind.

(Wylie)
Let me tell you
about my best gal, dalene.

Now, there is a god-fearing
piece of ass.

I'm talking sins of the flesh
here, little buddy.

I'd love to meet her
some day.

Oh, I sure do wish
she was here right now.

What a gal.

Fully equipped.

Yes, siree.

You know, she's classy,

real classy.

I don't doubt that.

I might have
a little picture.

Would you hold the wheel?

Ahh!

Yeah!

[Tires screeching]

Would you--
would you--

take a look at my
little love bunny.

Do you have the wheel?

I got the wheel.

I got the wheel.

What do you think?

Nice outfit.

Yeah.

She's creative too.

You know, she made that
little ensem-blay herself.

She made that herself?

Yeah, it's a tutu.

Miss mobile home,
proud of that, I imagine.

Yes, she is.
She won it last year.

You know, just last year.

She gonna win
again this year

if we're lucky.

Shlooop!

Lucky rabbit's foot, huh?

It's lucky,
but it ain't no foot.

[Throaty laughter]

Boy, I tell you.

Jimmy.

It's Max.

You goin' just love it

down here
in the south, Mikey.

It's Max.
It's m-a-x, Max.

(Wylie)
Like I was saying, Mike.

Max.

You're just going
to love it down in the south.

It's Max.
M-a-x, Max.

You're going
to love it down there.

[Man over P.A.]
Welcome to the Dwight Lawrence
international golf classic.

I'm talking today
with the first black golfer,

Willie Johnson.

(Dwight)
♪ putt it. Putt it. ♪

♪ Putt it, Willy, putt it. ♪

♪ Putt it, Willy, putt it. ♪

♪ Putt it. ♪

Excuse me.

♪ Willy... ♪ ♪

Would you please just...

Shut up,

dude?

Look, guys.

So I'm boffing
your buddy's girl.

It's no big deal.

We can all be gentlemen
on the golf course,

right?

So bring me
my putter.

Yes, sir, spud.
Coming right up.

Splut!

Putter?

Ooh.

Tough lie.

(Spud)
All right, men.

This one's for Sally.

This should be good.

He's a much better golfer
than Max.

Better-looking too.

(Max)
You can never tell
what attracts women.

That's one thing
I learned from wylie,

that there's more to being a man
than meets the eye.

(Woody)
Yeah, unless you're wearing
really tight pants.

(Max)
Woody, come on.
There's a lady here.

Don't touch the chrome.

Don't touch that chrome.

Mike, come over here.

What the hell kind of name
is Max, anyway?

That some kind
of twinkie name?

I want to tell you
something.

I don't like it.

I don't like it
one little bit.

It's just my name.

Shh.

From now on,
your name is Chuck.

Yeah, Chuck,
that's a real man's name.

All right,
call me Chuck.

This is
a nice place.

Hey, what is this shit?

It's part of the shirt.

Rip!

That's--it's part--
it looks--

look at this hair.

What's the matter--

what kind of tutti-frutti
haircut is this, anyway?

It's not tutti-frutti.

It's just--
it's just what it--

are you going to touch
me with that?

Ow!

Perfect.
It's perfect.

All right.
#sall right.

If you want
to be a man...

Ah, yeah.

Buddy.
What?

You wanna walk--

don't spit on me again.

Oh, god.

You want to be--

you want to be a man,
don't you?

Yeah, sure.

Well, in order
to be a man,

you got to think
a man's thoughts,

walk a man's walk.

(Man)
♪ you need a man. ♪

You've got to talk
a man's talk.

Yeah, fine.

I'm listening.
Do what I do.

♪ Ain't got to work no more. ♪

Hey, good-lookin'.

Hey-ho.

Your man's
back in town.

Good.

Ter
get yourself together. ♪

♪ 'Cause a man's
gonna make love to you. ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I'll make you burn ♪

♪ the way you should. ♪

♪ I'll make you scream, ♪

♪ but that won't do you
no good. ♪

[Gruffly]
Hey, good-lookin'.

Your man is back in town.

♪ Get yourself together ♪

♪ 'cause a man's gonna ♪

Ooooh!

♪ Make love to you. ♪ ♪

Like your hair.

(Wylie)
Come here.
You're embarrassing me.

Oh, ow.

(Woody)
Now, remember
the mayor's daughter?

(Byron)
Here we go
with this story.

(Roy)
I rather enjoy that story.

(Max)
Would you leave it
out of the article, please?

I said to the vet,
I said, "dr, garner,

are you telling me that cupcakes
needs to have oral surgery

when a partial or a crown
would suffice just as well?

We are talking about a dog
with a nervous condition.

And we are talking
about surgery, major surgery.

Give him a kiss.

Yes, I give him a kiss.

Mmm-mmm-mmm.

Mayor Brady.
Yes.

Hi.
Hello.

It's going to be my honor
to serve you tonight.

Why, thank you.

We appreciate that.

Let me freshen up this ashtray
a little bit there.

(Woman)
God.

What's your name?

Amanda.

You can call me Mandy.

Woody.
You can call me Woody.

Hi, Woody.

What do you say, gang?
Let's eat, huh?

Get a little chow.

[Rock and roll music]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Woof!

Whoa!

[High-pitched squeal]

Oh.

Oh, precious.

Oh, my god, daddy went through
change of life.

Sweetheart, are you all right?

[Man over radio]
Last night's total, a record 17
luxury and sports cars,

stolen from the bedford park
section of the city,

as the car theft crisis
continues with no end in sight.

Sheriff Margaret Williams
warns motorists

that no car is safe.

And the next theft could be
right in your own neighborhood.

(Dwight)
Well, anyway,

after spud talked to the
chairman of the golf club,

Byron and I
were out of a job too.

(Byron)
Yeah, it was a rough time.

But our family
really helped us through it.

[Silverware clinking]

(Byron)
That's bad, huh?

I'm tired.

I was up all night
cornrowin' my head.

[Giggling]

Packing mud in
and shit.

(Mrs. Lawrence)
Byron?

You got a daughter?

(Wylie)
♪ turn your radio on. ♪

♪ And listen to the music... ♪

(Max)
Life with wylie wasn't getting
any easier for me either.

♪ Heaven's glory's there. ♪

(Max)
There's a saying

that country music
speaks to the heart.

The only trouble is,

it has to go through your ears
to get there.

[Singing off-key]
♪ get in touch with god. ♪

♪ Turn your radio... ♪

♪ On. ♪ ♪

[Laughing]

Hey, listen, chuckie,

what is the key word
in moving?

The key word?

Teamwork.

You told me
you went to college.

That's two words.

It's a conjunction.

Teamwork is two words.

Okay, what's the--
what's the--

and the real word
is chain a command.

Oh, that's one word?
Chain of command?

Yeah, get it?
Get it?

I tell you what to move,

and hey, no problem.

You move it.

[Stepping heavily]

[Grunting]
Oh, ah.

Watch your back.

Oh, watch out.

If you get a second,
could you...

Hey, chuckie,
where're you going?

You can't go anywhere
without no in-Tory sticker.

Come here.

I don't need a sticker.

It's a refrigerator.

I know where--
I know where it goes.

That's good.

[Coughing]

My spine is in my eye.

Hey, you got to get the thing
where it's going, you know?

Head 'em up.

Thanks.

[Sniffs]

Chomp!

Watch it.
Watch it.

Ow, I got it.
I got it.

(Roy)
Hey, I developed a little
back trouble myself.

Portable
vacuum cleaner, my ass.

(Roy)
After two weeks,

I came to the conclusion that
the vacuum cleaner business,

well, sucks.

The damn thing
is nuclear.

I mean, that can't be safe.

My children could probably
come out in a jell-o mold now.

Well, all right.

So long,
you appliance from hell.

Kaboom!

(Roy)
You might say
that that was the day

my career in sales
went up in smoke.

(Woody)
Well, I'll tell you.

There's some benefits
to being unemployed.

Yeah, so this is where
our mayor lives, huh?

That's great.

[Whispering]
Shh. Don't say anything.

Wait a minute.

(Woody)
And I for one enjoyed
having my nights free.

Tried to put the time
to good use.

(Dwight)
That's when you started
to get involved in politics,

wasn't it, Woody?

(Woody)
Well, yeah.

I dabbled a little.

(John leffler)
♪ in the heat of the night. ♪

♪ You know, you take a chance ♪

♪ when you seek romance. ♪

♪ Such a dangerous dance. ♪

♪ In the heat of the night. ♪ ♪

(Max)
I think
I broke my spine.

(Wylie)
Yeah, you did real good
there today, chuckie.

Yes, sir, I was
real proud of you.

So I got myself lined up
a real special treat for you.

Yeah, you're going to use
deodorant now?

[Laughter]

Ha, ha.

Oh, I made myself
this promise, you see?

I said to myself,
I said,

"self, you can't let this little
ham bone go home to his mama

without him learning
to have hisself a good time."

I don't want a good time.

And you know,

when I think
of a good time,

you know who I think about?

Dalene, I know.

That's right.

My best gal dalene.

And you know what I think about
when I think about dalene?

Yes, I know--

no, no, not that--
where I think to go.

Where?

The lion's den.

♪ Cadillac cruisin'. ♪

[Piano music]

♪ Cadillac cruisin'. ♪

♪ ♪

♪ well, I saw my baby walking
down Melrose Avenue. ♪

♪ I said, "hey, there, baby, ♪

♪ where you think
you're going to?" ♪

♪ she said,
"I'm going to parliament." ♪

This place make you horny
or what?

♪ That's right. ♪

♪ I'd like to be
Cadillac cruisin', ♪

♪ Cadillac cruisin'
with you. ♪

Hi.

Wylie, I was thinking.

If we leave Earl--

okay.

[Chomping]

Do you believe
these two?

♪ What's that you say? ♪

Excuse me.

Wylie, she's got
vegetables.

♪ ♪

(Man)
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

♪ Well, I'm Cadillac cruisin', ♪

♪ Cadillac cruisin' with you. ♪

♪ Welll.. ♪

Come on, dalene.

Let's go show these homos
how to shake and bake.

Woo!

♪ ♪

Yeah.

[Laughing]

I actually have
more chest hair.

That's--i just
brought a little bit.

I didn't know.

[Laughter]

I like a man
with a little chest hair.

That's why I just
wore that much.

(Max)
It seemed so easy

for wylie and dalene
to have fun together.

I couldn't help but wonder

how come all I had
with Sally was trouble?

(Woody)
Max, even when you're
having fun,

sometimes a woman can be
nothing but trouble.

♪ Cadillac cruisin'. ♪

♪ Cadillac cruisin'
with you. ♪ ♪

My bunny doggy.
Are my bunny doggy?

Yes, you're my bunny doggy.

Make all gone.

Yes, are we going to watch
David letterman now?

Take me to David letterman.

Oops, hides.

This is not
the way to David letterman.

It's my father.

Tell him we're not done.

He thinks I'm a virgin.

Nooo!
Get out--

well, sure,
we'll go in here.

Daddy's coming.
Sweetheart, daddy is going--

Mandy, sweetheart.

What are you
doing up here?

This is most unusual.

Yeah, I just came up
to look around

at the campaign posters.

I guess I fell asleep.

Well, sweetheart,

when you're
all done here,

you take your time.

And I'll be downstairs.

Have you seen big boy?

No, not yet.

Oh, there's precious.

Daddy's missed you.
Yes, baby cakes.

Did you miss your daddy?

I missed you so much.

We are going straight to bed.

The two of us are going
to take a lay-down

right this minute.

[Cheering]

♪ Doo-woo... ♪ ♪

[Laughing]

Uh, I'm sorry I got
a little frisky with you

back there, but--

that's okay.

Wylie really wants you
to have a real good time,

he said that?

Yeah, he thinks
you're a real nice guy.

He said I'm a nice guy?

Yeah, yeah.

When did he--

that's great.

I guess you're not going
to forget somebody like wylie

for a real long time,
are you, Chuck?

No, you don't--

you don't forget wylie
right away.

(Max)
Wylie really did turn out
to be something special.

He taught me a lot.

He taught me
how to walk a man's walk,

how to talk a man's talk.

♪ Turn your radio on. ♪

♪ Turn your radio on. ♪

♪ Heaven glory's there. ♪

♪ Glories there. ♪

♪ Turn your lights down low. ♪

♪ Turn your lights
down low. ♪

♪ And listen to the gospel
on the radio. ♪

♪ Get in touch with god. ♪

♪ Turn your radio... ♪

[Together]
♪ on. ♪ ♪

[Harmonizing]

(Wylie)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Talking together]

[Yawning]

Well, here we are.

Back home again.

I guess you're glad
to be here, ain't you?

Not really.

I mean, I am.

Yeah.

But not as much as I thought
I was going to be.

I had a great time.

And you're a pretty
extraordinary guy.

Yeah, I think so.

Hey, listen.

I'm going to be swinging back
around this way sometime.

You ever get
the white line fever,

you ride with me, all right?

You got it.
It's a deal.

Here you go.

What's this for?

Pay, buddy.

I'm not supposed
to get this much.

Hey, come on, you earned it.
You take it.

And you get the hell
out of here.

Thank you.

Don't mention it.

Ptew!
Ptew!

I'll see you around.

Yeah, stay out of trouble,
all right?

You too.

Hey, Max,
wait a minute.

Why don't you
take this?

Might bring you
good luck.

Come on.

You're slipping.

You called me Max.

What's in a name, huh?

Listen, you take care.

Get out of here.
Go on.

All right.

[Engine turning over]

Blow in that.

Whoo!
Come on, baby.

Good grouping,
good grouping.

All right, Nicky.
All right, Nicky.

Nice and easy.

Where am I?

Onesies, yo-yo.
Come on.

All right.

You've been practicing, Nick.
You've been practicing.

Nice, nice and easy.

Take your time.
Take your time.

Oh, good grouping,
good grouping.

Nice, easy, easy.

(Max)
How ya doin', fellas?

How ya doin', peckerhead?

The boss
wants to see you.

All right.

Manny?

Manny wants to see
everybody?

You.

You, you.

Just me?
You.

Did he say--
whoo!

He'll tell you
what he wants.

All right.
All right, Nicky.

Nice and easy.
Come on, baby.

Very, very close.

Very close.

Huh? Huh?

[Laughter]

You missed!

$800.

$900.

$1,000.

Not bad, kid.

Good boy.

It was a good week.

Yeah.

There's $100 for you.

And $900 for me.

Whoa, whoa.
What are you talking about?

What do you mean, $100--

I'm supposed to get all of it.

Wylie gave me all the money.
He said it's mine.

I don't care
what wylie said.

I'm no moron.

I built this place
because I know what's going on.

Yeah, but he told me
that i--

he told me that I'm
supposed to get it all.

That's what he said.

Look, kid, let me
tell you something.

Lesson number one:

He works for himself.

And you work for me.

I...

I work for you?

Yeah.

No.

I used to work for you.

But I don't.
You know why?

I quit.

[Snide laughter]

[Doorbell rings]

She's definitely
going to be impressed.

I'm just going to tell her,

"Sally, I'm learning
to take a stand.

"And look, as far as
the other guy is concerned,

"it doesn't even bother me
anymore.

"Just 'cause you had a drink
with a guy, you know,

it doesn't necessarily
mean that"--

[groaning]

I can't believe
she's kissing this guy.

[Kicks tire]

Guy is a weasel.

I can't believe
she likes this guy.

What does he have?

What does he have?
A nice car.

Spud, nice name too.

Fine, she's leaving me
for a guy named after potatoes.

That makes a lot of sense.

Fine.

So I decided the only way
you make money

is if you open up
your own business,

and that way,
you work for yourself.

You're your own boss.

You can be
your own man.

Yeah, i--
I'm going to be my own man.

I'm going to--

how?

Let me
show you something.

Feast your eyes
on those.

Wow, uh...

Little white cards,
clever.

The other side.

Ahh.

You're way ahead of me.

"Maximum moving."

Max, maximum.

Max, that's me.
Maximum.

Your own company?

Our company.

You and me.

That's right.

What do you think?

Uh...

Wow.

Uh...

You think, "wow"?

I think, "wow."

I-I feel, uh, "gee."

(Max)
And that was the start of

(all)
♪ bah-bah-bah
bah-bah-bah-bah. ♪

♪ Maximum moving. ♪ ♪

(Max)
See, I knew from the start

that our company wasn't going
to be like the others.

I was going to do things my way.

Now, what is the key word
in moving?

(Roy)
Uh, a hernia.

(Max)
Come on.
I told you before.

(Roy)
Oh, uh...

Chain of command.

(Max)
Chain of command.
That's right.

And there's one more thing
very important, all right?

Inventory stickers.

Now, these stickers
go on everything.

Now, I have all the contents
listed on the--

the content list,
which you'll have,

you know, all of them,
for every room.

Make sure
before you move out,

check out both
the code number

for the room
and the content list.

'Cause I'll have
them both, all right?

And I'll just
start down here.

You can work your way
out that way.

Are you kidding me?

No.

You're not moving?

[Gravely]
No.

I just wanted the sofa moved

from here...

To there.

[Sniffs and clears throat]

Just--just move the sofa.

Didn't I tell you that?

[Laughs]

Uh...

Uh...

Would you excuse us one sec?

[Groans]

All right,
it's stuck.

It's definitely stuck.

Don't panic.

Let me just check.

It's probably in here.

Stuck couches.

Stuck...

[Upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[Screeching]

No, no.
Roy, Roy, Roy.

Roy, look.

You're doing it
all wrong.

You have to do it--

watch. You have to push it,
and then you muzzle.

Yeah, no, it's just a matter of
finding the center of gravity,

and then you lean
into it, yeah.

Grab the corner, Roy.

No, the other corner.

♪ ♪

So how's business?

Huh?
How's business?

How's business?
It's good.

It's great.

It's great.

There's a lot
of money to be made.

Lots--lots of money.

It's going to be
a great summer.

Great, great summer.

Really?

Mmm, no.

It sucks.
It sucks.

What's the problem?

See, I didn't want
to mention this right up front.

We--if we had
extra manpower,

we would really be
in good shape.

So as long as you're
out of work anyway,

I was wondering what--

you don't
have to say yes.

Wondering what you would
think of the idea

of working with us.

Sounds good.

Beats caddying.

If you didn't--
if you don't want to,

I would understand that.

And--what?

Sounds good to me.

(Dwight)
What about money, Max?

The only other thing--
tell them.

The only other thing is

we have to figure out
a way to get some money,

because I have to get
a truck.

I can't keep doing it
in the car,

and we just need
some money.

Money's no problem.

I know a guy.

It's no problem.

(Max)
What kind of guy?

(Dwight)
What kind of money?

(Woody)
Big money.

Don carlucci.

Can I call you Don?

You know,
you look great.

You dropped a few, huh?

It's good
for the heart.

Listen, I'm sorry
to hear about

your son, vinny,
you know, doing time.

Kidnapping,
that's a bum rap.

[Chomping]

Look, about the $20,000
we talked about.

I was thinking
maybe we could--

[indecipherable mumbling]

[Mumbling]
We need to borrow
some money.

To start
our own business.

[Speaking Italian]

[Throaty mumbling]
A moving company.

You know,
move people's furniture

from one house
to another.

It's a special business.
We gotta buy a fruck.

We gotta buy
filing cabinets.

We have to buy a phone.

Fis is a start-up business.

[Classy Italian music]

♪ ♪

[Chuckling]

[Laughter]

[Slurping]

Ptoo!

Ptoo!

[Deep chuckling]

No, no, thanks.
I've had plenty.

[Cocks gun]

(Woody)
It's time to bail.

[Laughing]

I'm going to go out
on a limb here,

but that's not a gift.

Am I right?

What is taking him
so long in there?

I don't know;
I don't know.

Maybe they killed
his ass.

You think they--
they would?

How ya doin', guys?

What took you so long?

Oh, you know,
we were talking,

had a little chat.

What were you
talking about?

Uh, collateral.

Collateral?
Yeah.

What collateral?

Oh, you know,
your house, your car.

That's good.
That's good.

No, that's bad.

It's your house,
your car.

What?
You did what?

I had to give him
something.

I don't have anything.

What am I
going to give him?

I don't have anything
to give him.

(Kathy)
Now you were really
in business.

(Max)
Thanks to Woody's contacts.

(Roy)
Byron's negotiating acumen.

(Byron)
Max's management expertise.

(Woody)
Roy's sense of command.

(Kathy)
How could you lose, right?

(Byron)
In a big way.

We're in great shape, guys.

We've got a truck;
We've got an office.

We've got phones,

and now I've got the one thing
we finally need.

(All)
A job!

(Max)
No.

Look at this calendar.
Is this great?

It's got the days and the weeks
listed numerically.

The months according to season,
and a picture of a girl.

Same girl each month.

You don't have to readjust.

No problem there.

Same girl,
I love this.

Max?

We've been here for a week.

When are we gonna work?

I'll check the calendar.

(Woody)
Oh, Max.

This is a great start.

Max, my car's
on the line here.

Don't forget
your parents' house too.

And my parents' house too.

(Max)
I don't know
what to tell you.

I've had an ad in the paper
every day this week.

There's been something.

Wait a minute.

We're not using our heads here.

We got to take charge
of the situation.

It's time we played
a little hardball.

Right, Roy?

[Glass breaking]

Tuesday, fix window.

This is going
to fill up very fast.

(Max)
The cabrizzis control
the moving business.

(Byron)
Not because they didn't
have any competition.

(Woody)
Because they made sure
the competition

didn't have any kneecaps.

(Dwight)
So we figured Max
should take a walk over

while he still could.

How're you doing, Gloria?

How are you, Max?

Good.
Could you do me a big favor?

Could I do you
a big favor?

I had--you have a little--

I left a sweatshirt
in my locker.

You left a sweatshirt
in your locker?

And I was wondering
if you could--

you want me
to go retrieve it.

Would you mind?

The know the one,
the gray one.
The gray one.

The writing.
Made of cloth.

With a string.

Yeah, "phys ed."

You looked like a wimp
when you wore it.

The gray one with the writing,
"phys ed."

I'll go get it.
I'll wait here.

[Whispering]
Thank you.

[Metallic crashing]

112.

12 readmont drive,
12 readmont drive.

Finelli.
I'll remember that.

12 readmont.

112.
12 readmont drive.

Hey, Max.

I couldn't find
your sweatshirt.

Oh, it's probably--
[Laughing]

Hi, guys.

It's probably in my car.

How're you doing, guys?

Nice suits.

Cup of coffee?
I was going to have one.

Okay.

Ahhhh!

[Grunting]

There's a lot of pain
involved in that.

Okay.

I'm okay.

(Dwight)
Okay, this is it, guys,
number 12.

(Max)
Good morning.
We're maximum moving.

You must be Mrs. Finelli.

That's the ex-Mrs. Finelli.

Mrs. Finelli.

(Max)
The ex-Mrs. Finelli?

I've been
recently divorced.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm not.

Well, anyway, Mrs. "x."

Ma'am, what I thought
we would do is just

start upstairs--

that's a very big truck.

Is it all yours?

[Knocking]

Yeah.

112 readmont drive.

How're you doing?

We're the movers
from cabrizzi brothers.

So?

We ain't moving.

Oh, you're moving, Nancy.

[Giggling]

Ugh--wh--wh--ugh!

[Crashing and rumbling]

[Giggling]

Nice place.

Yeah, nice place.

(Max)
Now listen to me.

Now, swing it.
Swing it.

[Talking simultaneously]

Bring it.
Bring it to me.

Angle, angle, angle,
angle it high.

He's right. He's right.

Your left, my right.

(Max)
Yes, sir.

When there's a job to be done,
maximum moving can do it.

(Roy)
We sure worked up a sweat
on that one.

(Dwight)
Yeah, especially Byron.

Young man?

Do you think you could
give me a hand with this?

Sure.

Mrs. Finelli,
there's nothing in the room.

That's not
quite true, Byron.

There's you and me.

And the boys.

New friends,
how nice.

[Cracking]

Max, do you know what the hell
you're talking about?

Yes, now, listen to me.

Muzzle it.
Muzzle it left.

All right,
that's it, Nicky.

Let's get the hell
out of here.

(Nicky)
Hey.

(Frankie)
That looks like
a big tipper.

Let me handle this.

Morning, sir.

How you doin'?

What's going on here?

We're moving you, sir.

Well, why would you
be doing that, you cretin?

Ooh, he called you
a crouton, Frankie.

Hey, yo, wait.

It says here
112 readmont drive.

Mrs. Finelli,
right?
Yeah.

Look,
you imbeciles.

I'm giving you exactly one hour
to put every single piece

of furniture
back in that house

just as you found it.

Or I'm calling the police.

Got it?

Cretins!

What are you waiting for?

Hang on a second.

Thanks to Mrs. Finelli,

maximum moving
is off and running,

and we are each
$138.40 richer.

All right, let's see.

That's finelli, finelli.

Finelli with an "f."

[Knocking at window]

Wha--uh, uh.

Great, more business.

I'll get it.

Blam!

[Clanging]

[Giggling]

[Cackling]

[Clattering and crashing]

Wednesday: Fix desk.

(Manny)
So you had a little fun
with Manny cabrizzi, huh?

Well, I'm here to tell you
what a dangerous occupation

moving furniture can be.

Things happen sometimes.

Maybe a leg gets broken.

Face gets
messed up a bit.

Just a little bit, huh?

Yes, a little bit,
a little bit.

Pop!
Ahh.

Whoobf!

And remember:

Cabrizzi rhymes with sleazy.

[Chuckling]

[Giggling]

[Clattering]

Have a nice day.

(Max)
After our chat
with Manny cabrizzi,

we decided to stay away
from their business.

(Dwight)
'Cause when Manny speaks,
people listen.

(Roy)
Unless of course they have
an ice pick in their ear.

Good morning.
Maximum moving.

Oh, the phone's
definitely working.

Thank you, operator.

The phones
are working.

(Dwight)
My father,

and my fat-ass sister,
Bertha.

(Byron)
Beautiful girl.

The whole team's
had her.

We all love her.

Good morning.
Maximum moving.

Mrs. Finelli.

You're not moving
again, are you?

Oh, just--

just rearranging
furniture.

Just Byron?

Oh, uh, well, then,
we'll send Byron over.

No problem at all.

It's our pleasure,
Mrs. Finelli.

I like working
with people.

It's a good job.

Yeah, well, you're doing
something right,

'cause that lady's
our best customer.

She's our only customer.

Is it possible
we're doing something wrong?

My father says

that it's a simple matter
of centrified demographics.

You see, population movement
reflects a realignment

in socioeconomic
dispositioning

according to the demonstrated
microeconomic field theory.

(Dwight)
What you're trying
to say is,

people need a reason
to move.

Well, yeah,
that's the short version,

I suppose.

Time for plan "b."

Wait a second.
Wait a second.

What is plan bee?

Oh, plan "b."

Okay, now, everybody knows
the plan, right?

Okay, plan "b," right?

(All)
Yeah!

Okay, give me the wig.
Give me the wig.

[Funky techno music]

Okay, give me the hat.
Give me the hat.

Yeah, yeah, okay.

Okay, that's cool.

(Woman)
♪ no one's safe at home. ♪

(Man)
♪ once upon a time-- ♪

What's up, whiteys?

♪ Place to be free
from all the hassle-- ♪

[Tires screeching]

[Shattering]

[Radiator hissing]

♪ But everything's changed
in modern times. ♪

♪ The writing's on the wall. ♪

♪ You can read the signs. ♪

♪ There's nothing in the world
you can call your own. ♪

♪ Because nobody's safe,
not even at home. ♪

(Dwight)
Baby, this neighborhood
is our dream.

They got little white kids
and everything.

We's your
new neighbors, whitey.

Oh, my god.

(Dwight)
Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.

What?

Trick wants some more money?

Some more money?

Okay, okay, okay.

Tell him it's $100 more
for you, $50 for the bulldozer,

$75 for the three fat chicks
in the closet,

the squirrel is $5.50.

Uh, and the moose
is going to be $38.50.

♪ Rippin' up the floor. ♪

♪ Said he gonna build himself
an intercontinental missile ♪

♪ in the hole where you want
to put your swimming pool. ♪

♪ It's too bad, dad,
uncle Sam's-- ♪

I'll be with your white ass
in a minute.

I want to talk to you
about this jockey.

♪ You must have heard about it
on your TV set. ♪

♪ We've got to show the commies
that we're rough and tough, ♪

♪ and this missile will prove
we got the right stuff. ♪

♪ We want to survive. ♪

♪ We've decided your home's
gotta take the dive. ♪

♪ Someone's gotta
pay the price. ♪

♪ Then we'll all be grateful
for your sacrifice. ♪

♪ When the missile stands
where your home used to be, ♪

♪ remember you did it
for humanity. ♪

♪ No one's safe at home. ♪

♪ No one's safe at home. ♪

♪ No one's safe at home. ♪

That's the first one.

♪ No one's safe at home. ♪

♪ You're barbecuing
in your backyard. ♪

♪ Everybody's jamming
and partying hard. ♪

♪ Sitting at the table
passing food around, ♪

♪ when something starts bubbling
out of the ground. ♪

♪ It looks real bad.
It smells real funny. ♪

♪ It's dark; It's dirty;
It's sticky; It's runny. ♪

♪ Looks like something
from a horror flick. ♪

♪ It turns your stomach.
It made you sick. ♪

♪ But it won't go away. ♪

♪ So the next day, ♪

♪ government man
comes to move it away. ♪

♪ When he pulls up
in his big white truck ♪

♪ that says "toxic waste," ♪

♪ you know you're out of luck. ♪

♪ He walks over to examine
the crap on your lawn. ♪

♪ He looks scared,
so you know something's wrong. ♪

(Woody)
Just one more to go.

♪ Gas masks,
carrying a can. ♪

♪ He's gonna take a sample, ♪

♪ run a few tests
and then come back tomorrow ♪

♪ to clean up the rest. ♪

♪ ♪

♪ no one's safe at home. ♪

♪ No one's safe at home. ♪ ♪

All right,
all right.
A toast for moving.

(All)
Maximum moving!

[Cheering]

Blueberry pie!

(Max)
When you're successful,

everyone knows about it.

(Byron)
And wants to be
a part of it.

(Woody)
Especially the women.

(Roy)
It's true.

They start to treat you
with a lot more respect.

Crunch!

Roy.

Crunch!

Thpoo!

Here you go.

Are you okay?

Go for her.

(Max)
It did feel good
to accomplish something.

And no, I may not have had
everything I wanted,

but I had myself, and I had
friends who cared about me.

(Dwight)
You also had enemies
who cared about you.

(Max)
That's true.

Business is slow.

I don't like it.

[Clattering]

I don't like it at all.

I think it's time we taught
these punks a little lesson.

Right, boss.

Huh?
Right, boss.

Huh, moron?

Right, boss.

Squish!

[Cackling]

[Faraway chatter]

[Giggling]

(Max)
I got it; I got it.

Can I say something?

Hold it; This is
Mr. Handleman's concert piano.

He told me it's $90,000
worth of piano here.

So can we please be
a little more careful?

(Roy)
This may not
be important,

but there's a banana
on the stairs.

Well, somebody
pick it up.

(All)
I'll get it. I'll get it.

Whoa! Hey!

[Discordant piano notes]

[Splashing]

That's not where
he wanted it.

That's $90--
$90,000.

I mean, he specifically
told me he--

he didn't want it there.

$90,000!

[Glass breaking]

Oh, fine.
$95,000.

All right, so today
wasn't such a good day.

What do we do now?

Uh, insurance
covers the damage.

We've still got one more
payment to the Don,

which means we need cash.

(Woody)
We could clear almost $3,000
on the smithtown job.

We've got smithtown.

That's this weekend.
So we're in great shape.

We are in great shape, guys.

I don't think you reali--

I mean, we--we're fine.

Look, if cabrizzi
brothers wanted

to do that kind
of stuff,

that's them.

That's the way
they want to operate,

I don't care.

That's--that's fine.

We are professionals.

We don't have to stoop
to their level.

We could.
But we could.

(Man)
Are you sure you set that
hydraulic for 6,000 pounds?

Absolutely,
it's diametrically opposed

to the truck's
own weight.

Why, you and Mr. Greenzy's
sure got a lot of crap there.

Yeah, a lot of crap
over here.

Yeah, where do you
want us to dump this junk?

I mean, I don't
want to be pushy,

but I want to get
out of here for lunch today.

Listen, you big ape.

You're gonna take good care
of my furniture.

You're going to bring
each piece to the door.

And then we'll show you
where to put it.

Come on.

I'm going to take your ass

and throw it out in the street
and stomp on it.

I'm gonna
squash her, Frankie.

She didn't mean it.

I could take this one, man.

I don't think so.

Maybe I should have
done it myself,

missy.

I spent eight hours
under that truck last night.

This is--
this is gonna work.

It better.

And for heaven sakes,
be careful.

Squish!

I don't want you
running around

breaking things.

And if you want to use
our bathroom,

you're not going to.

Go somewhere else.

[Belching]
Pig.

Hey, listen, lady.

Why don't you and Mr. Wrinkles
over there

go park your butts
under that tree?

Yeah.

[Beeping]

Here goes.

[Ringing]

[Grinding]

You touch anything
up there?

I didn't touch
nothing, Frankie.

You guys wait right here.

Yeah, don't move.

[Screaming]

[Hearty laughter]

[Laughing stops]

Smack!

You guys all right?

(Woman)
You big gorilla.

Yeah,
they're all right.

Uh, where did you
want us to put

this furniture?

(Max)
Well, we deserved
a little celebration.

(Byron)
We had one payment
to make to the Don.

(Woody)
And the big smithtown job.

(Roy)
We were pretty much home-free.

(Max)
And through it all,
we kept our dignity,

our professionalism,
and our kneecaps and eardrums.

We showed the cabrizzis

that they couldn't
intimidate us anymore.

Explain it to me again.

How are the cabrizzis
not going to know

that we dumped
their truck?

Max, are we
back to that again?

They're definitely
going to figure it out.

Don't bring up
the cabrizzis again.

I thought you thought
it was a good idea.

I did, but it was
a mistake.

What are they
gonna do?

Blow up the building?

They blew up the building.

(Woody)
These guys
have no sense of humor.

(Dwight)
I can't believe it.

(Byron)
Truck is gone.

[Glass shattering]

Great.

[Mournful saxophone music]

Look at this!

It's over.

I gotta get laid.

I don't know
what to tell you, guys.

What about the insurance?

The insurance.

It covered handleman's piano.

That's why
they cancelled the policy.

We...uh.

We don't have insurance now.

Wait a second.

We have smithtown.

We can make $3,000.

We can't make $3,000
because we don't have a truck.

And you can't
move furniture

without a truck.

(Man)
♪ you need a man... ♪

Not so fast, peckerface.

Wylie, what--

chuckie.
Ptoo!

You little homo.

Where is your truck, man?

(Wylie)
Nice, nice.

You get a good deal
on this place?

Can we borrow your--

must be a bitch
to heat in the winter.

[Raspy laughter]

Wylie, I gotta
borrow your truck.

Can I please borrow
your truck?

Do you know what you
are saying to me?

Do you?

Yes, can I please
borrow your truck?

You can borrow
my truck.

I can borrow
your truck.
Yeah.

We got a truck.

But I ain't got
a trailer.

It's in the shop
for a paint job.

Pbbbbt!

(Max)
We don't got a truck.

No.

But the cabrizzis...Do.

[Raucous laughter]

(Max)
After all we'd been through,

stealing a truck
may not sound like much.

But you have to understand,

it was the ultimate risk.

(Dwight)
Before long, we knew we'd either
be at the top of the heap

(Roy)
Or at the bottom of the river.

Now, I want you
to hump it again.

Huh!

Wylie, when you get
up there, pull over a second.

What?

Pull up there.

Where are we?

Sally's house.

Something
the matter, chuckie?

I'm going
to settle something.

Oh, yeah?

You want to talk
a man's talk,

eh, chuckie?

Yeah, yeah.

(Max)
So there I was,

going after something
regardless of the outcome,

risking it all.

(Byron)
It was inspirational.

(Woody)
All right, Max.

(Wylie)
Walk a man's walk, chuckie.

(Man)
♪ you need a man ♪

♪ to give you love. ♪

♪ Well, listen here. ♪

♪ You ain't got to wait
no more. ♪

♪ 'Cause there's one thing
that's for sure. ♪

Max.

Did I ever mention
that I really love you

a lot?

Hey, sal.

What's happening, babe?

You really mean that,
don't you?

(Max)
Yes.

Absolutely.
100%.

Now, you get rid of this animal,
or I will.

Thud!
Uh! Oh!

I love that you did that.

I real--

♪ won't do you no good. ♪

(Dwight)
Yeah, all right.

Woo-ooh!
Kiss a man's kiss.

♪ ♪

I have to go.

Why? Where are you going?

We're stealing a truck.

What?
You don't steal trucks.

I know.
It's new.

I don't--I've never--

I'll explain it to you.

Don't--
stay there.

[Whispering]
Don't run
right in front of the window.

Come on.

Stay cool.

Yeah, they're inside.

What are they doing?

Come on.
Let's roll.

Four.

"How many streets radiate
from the arc Dee trompy"?

(Nicky)
Oh, god!
That's so easy.

Give me a break.
It's my turn.

Nobody ever asks me
an easy question.

Your turn'll
come later.

Go on, Frankie.

Uh, okay.

You got the chomp El-easies.

They're thinking.

They could be
busy for hours.

Just break the glass.

Break it.

Just break the glass.

Hurry up.

You can't break
this glass.

It's high-tension
security--

[shattering]

You hear something?

I didn't hear nothing.

(Nicky)
Answer the question,
would you?

You've got Marco.

You got that other one there.
What--what is that?

It comes in.
It curves around.

You got 12.

You're right.

It's a switch.

It's a box
with a switch.

The switch
is right on the top.

Here it is.
I got it.

Clunk!

[Electricity zapping]

(Woody)
Holy shit.

Look at this!

What?

The cars.

They're--they're very--
very nice.

They're very stolen.
These are stolen.

Wait a second.
Are you sure?

Look at the--

these are the cars
I heard about on the radio.

They must be shipping them
out in the trucks.

(Max)
Which means

cabrizzi's not just a sleaze.

He's a criminal.

Oh, I'm really disappointed
in these guys.

They have let me down.

We've got to do something
about this.

Yeah, let's get
the hell out of here.

Good idea.

Wait a second, guys.

There's a reward.
50,000 bucks.

$50,000?

[Clattering]

What the hell was that?

[Distant arguing]

Let's go.

Roy, just leave
those there.

It's those kids.

I want their eyeballs.

Go get them, Nicky.

Get them, Frankie.

[Screaming]

I don't think
I like that.

[Dramatic rock music]

♪ ♪

Go on.
Get him.

Woody.

That could happen.

[Giggling]

Come here.
Come on over here.

[Cackling]

Come on.
You're mine.

Come on. Come on.
Come on.

Here we go!

Ahh!

Wait. Wait.
Don't hurt me.

You don't even
know me.

If you knew me,
you would love me.

I like you.

Loved your work
in those evolution charts.

[Shouting]

This was a mistake.

This was a big mistake.

Big mistake.
I'm going to die.

You're angry at me
because you hate yourself.

It's about you.

Then I said,

"guys, I don't know
if we should steal a truck.

That could be a big mistake."

They said, "Max, you've got
to learn to lighten up."

And now I'm under a truck,
and I'm going to die.

You know what I learned?

Don't listen to your friends.

[Cackling]

Where are you?

Knucklebeak.

♪ ♪

So you're a homicidal manic.

The thing is, you can be
the best homicidal maniac

that you could possibly be.
That's important.

I'm so glad we had this chat,
aren't you?

♪ ♪

I know.
I'll call the police.

They're good at these things.

Oh, come on.

Hey, what are you
doing in there?

[Cracking]
Oh.

You know, you look
a lot better like that.

Oh, yeah?

Do you want a light
for that cigar?

Got a wooden match?

[Shouting and crashing]

We've found the cars.

The stolen cars.

They're stealing--

they're stealing cars.

Not s--

not selling.

They're stealing.

Why would I call
if they're selling cars?

Okay, look.

I'm prepared
to give you $20

if you'll just turn around
and forget--

aha.

All right,
Mr. Protein shake.

A superior mind

always wins out
over brute strength.

Flick!

You take another step,
and I'll roast you like a pig.

I swear to god I will.

[Hissing]

[Boisterous laughter]

Ahh!

Hey, man, you're messing
with the wrong dude, man.

I just--i just escaped
from a mental institution.

Take one more step,
and the brother's a dead man.

He's serious, man.

Put the bat down.

Put the bat down.

There are some--
there are killers here.

They're after us.

And they have bats
and car parts.

And how--i don't know how many.

I--'cause I can only see--
I can see shoes.

I can only see--
how many shoes?

Hold on.

[Whistling]

Help me, man.
This dude is crazy.

Man, I don't know
what he's gonna do.

Beauregard, do something.

Shut up, bitch.

About 24 shoes.

So figure a dozen guys.

Probably just had
a rough childhood, that's all,

all the other second graders
making fun of his beard.

It can't be easy going
through life with no thumbs.

He just has problems with
interpersonal relationships.

That's all.

Just problems.
Pop!

Why, beauregard, you didn't
bring the mint juleps,

beauregard.

I thought I told you
not to meet me here!

You know the code.

When a mouse
pisses on cotton,

who can hear it?

Who can hear it?

You know
something, Frankie?

There's more to life
than this.

Hey, why do you think
I'm going back

and get
my master's, woodman?

Come on, you?

Life ain't shit
without a graduate degree.

You oughta think
about that.

[Whistling]

[Cackling]

Oh.

Good connection.

This is not the way
adults communicate.

If my father were alive,
he'd string you up, Leroy.

Help me, man.
Help me, please.

Please.

Please?

Thunk!

This is the end.

I'd heard so much about it.

Quite frankly,
I expected more.

White light,
maybe some dead relatives.

Even though
you gave me a hard time,

I thought there was always
a little something between us.

Are you nuts?

No, not like that.

No, no, not a sick thing.

[Grunting]

That's good.
Let that out.

You don't want
to keep that in.

Let that out.

Okay, you know, all right.

You know, okay,
you know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to take this foot,

I'm gonna put it
on that side of your face.

And you want to know something?

There is--

not a damn thing
that you can do about it.

Whooagh!

Ow, ow.

Okay, there is something
you can do about it.

[Cracking]

That's good.

Boof!

You need a therapist.

[Grunting]

I'll tell you
something else.

Yeah, you kind of remind me
of me when I was a kid.

Yeah.

Hey, I'm going to think
about that, Frankie.

Take care
of yourself, woodman.

I think you guys
are one man short.

Come on, Nicky.

I thought we could
be friends, Nicky.

[Maniacal laughter]

Not great friends.
Social friends.

[Whistling]

Don't you ever pull a bat
on me, sucker.

Are you okay?

Did he hurt you?

Are you okay?

What sign are you? Leo?

You're quiet.
Sagittarius?

Ooh, let me see
that bat.

Can I see it?

[Gunshot]

I think maybe this time
you made a big mistake.

Hey, easy, man.

You're going to have to die
'cause you know too much.

Yeah.

Know too much
about what, boss?

The cars, Nick.

They know about the cars.

What about the cars, boss?

Stolen, you idiot.

They're stolen?

Blam!

Hey, Frankie, did you know
these cars were stolen?

Geez, Manny, we thought
you just liked cars.

Blam!

Oh, Frankie.

Uno che moron.

Okay, who's gonna be first?

That's nice.

Whoo-haw!

Woo!

Yee-haw!

Poof!

[Gunshot]

Yeee-haaaw!

[Cheering]

[Shouting]

[Police siren blaring]

(Man)
"Stolen cars found.

"Cabrizzi arrested.

"Reward to maximum moving:
$50,000.

Mayor to honor young heroes."

Film at 11:00.

(Kathy)
So you got the reward,
lots of free publicity,

an invitation
to the mayor's house.

What was going through
your minds during it all?

(Max)
I remember thinking

we really didn't deserve
all the fuss, you know?

It's not that difficult

to outwit a slug
like Manny cabrizzi.

You're talking about a man

with the I.Q.
Of a grilled cheese sandwich.

(Roy)
My mind was on
that circular driveway.

Who invented that,
and what were they thinking?

(Kathy)
What would you say
is the most important thing

that you've learned
from this whole experience?

(Max)
Well, you have to remember
that the road to success

has many obstacles.

[Screaming]

(Max)
Woody, you ran over the dog.

(All)
Ohhhh!

(Max)
You know what?
Let's not jump to conclusions.

Maybe the dog was dead
when we pulled in.

(Dwight)
Wait a minute.

Does this mean
we don't get the money?

Turn around, Woody.
Get the check.

(Max)
No. Don't turn around.

Keep going.

(Kathy)
Well, I guess that's about it.

I think it should be
a terrific article.

(Max)
Aren't you going
to take any pictures?

(Kathy)
No, I don't think
that's necessary.

(Max)
Oh.

Well, I'll have my secretary
show you out.

Would you come in
and show the lady out, please?

[Nicky over intercom]
Sure, boys, right away.

[Cackling]

(Kathy)
Is that--

(Max)
You know how tough it is
to get good help?

(Man)
♪ never gonna look back. ♪

♪ Heading down
the right track. ♪

♪ Never felt this way before. ♪

♪ Knowing it's the right time. ♪

♪ Watching for the right sign. ♪

♪ You know,
I've been keeping score. ♪

♪ Lightning
never strikes twice, does it? ♪

♪ Ready now to play dice. ♪

♪ And you know we play to win. ♪

♪ We will steal the thunder. ♪

♪ Waiting for the sundown. ♪

♪ We go slipping out
of this town ♪

♪ and escape into a dream ♪

♪ we will make together. ♪

♪ And now
is such the prime time. ♪

♪ 'Cause life
is just what you make it. ♪

♪ Don't be afraid
of what you might find. ♪

♪ This could be the time ♪

♪ for you. ♪

♪ Ready for the new day. ♪

♪ Heading down the highway. ♪

♪ Now we're riding
against the wind. ♪

♪ No one's showing us how. ♪

♪ And nothing's
stopping us now. ♪

♪ Hoping the feeling
never ends. ♪

♪ Lightning
never strikes twice, does it? ♪

♪ Ready now to play dice. ♪

♪ And you know we play to win. ♪

♪ We will steal the thunder. ♪

♪ And now
is such the prime time. ♪

♪ 'Cause life
is just what you make it. ♪

♪ Don't be afraid
of what you might find. ♪

♪ This could be the time ♪

♪ for you. ♪

♪ What you gonna do
with your life? ♪

♪ What you gonna do
with your heart? ♪

♪ You know we may never
find it. ♪

♪ And now
is such the prime time. ♪

♪ 'Cause life
is just what you make it. ♪

♪ Don't be afraid
of what you might find. ♪

♪ This could be the time ♪

♪ for you. ♪

♪ And now
is such the prime time. ♪

♪ 'Cause life
is just what you make it. ♪

♪ Don't be afraid
of what you might find. ♪

♪ This could be the time ♪

♪ for you. ♪

♪ Yeah. ♪ ♪