O.C. and Stiggs (1985) - full transcript

0C.

Stiggs.

(radio ad - country music)
& Schwab Insurance serving the desert

& For just over 11 years

& We'll protect you

& We can help you

& 'Cause misery loves our company

& Yeah, misery loves our company &

When the going gets tough,
let us help you out.

& KOPA FM Scottsdale &

(DJ) This could be happening to you.



- (DJ) Mary, $110 richer you are.
- Thank you very much.

- (DJ) Ken, you just won 70 dollars!
- That's great.

(DJ) Congratulations!
How do you feel?

- 70 dollars richer.
- That's the correct way to feel!

(radio) What? Instant cash on KOPAI
Ilt's a mystery to me!

KOPA gets the best music and variety.
One great song after another.

It's good for your ears!

& KOPA Scottsdale &

(from behind wall) Lobsters.

Look, they got the goddamn fountain
working again.

Schwab probably had it insured.

That's the trouble with insurance.
Destruction isn't permanent any more.

Yeah, Randall Schwab.

(Schwab) There you go, Mr Lobster.
Burn your ass.



Look, it's Frankie Tang.

He must have married into the family
to be their caddie.

I'd rather carry a golf bag than
do normal husband duties to Lenore.

(girl) Don't look at me like that.

- Synchronise watches.
-lam.

OK.

At 7.22 the Schwab commercial
will come on.

Three minutes before, the whole family
goes and takes a leak.

(boy) Get the ball!

All right everybody,
commercial time. Let's go!

- (boy) Almost finished.
- (Schwab) Let's go, Egg Foo Yung.

- (boy) | won, Lenore.
- (Lenore) No, | won.

(Schwab) You can't see this ad too much.
Come on, Moo Goo Gai Pan.

(Lenore) | always win
and I'm always gonna win.

(woman) Shit.

- I'll turn on the TV, Pop.
- Get it tuned in.

Lobsters.

Broiled grisly lobsters. Shit.

Intercom Schwab-a-phone. Check.

Remove funny bone. OK.

| hope
we're not calling China again.

What's wrong with China? Last time
we put $3000 on Schwab's phone bill.

And Schwab blamed it on Frankie Tang.

Yeah, but trying to talk Chinese
for 12 hours isn't much fun.

OC, we mustn't think of ourselves
when we're laying pressure on Schwab.

- Check.
- Check, check, check.

- Now, who shall we call?
- How about Spain?

- No, too close.
- Yeah, you're right.

- (OC) How about Malta?
- Where the hell is Walter?

Think it's near Gaddafi.

(OC) Say the magic word and
you get $10,000 on your phone bill.

It looks like your car's
really moving.

- Just be quiet. Sit down.
- Did | miss anything, dear?

| am Randall Schwab
of Schwab Insurance

here on the Grand Canyon
to talk about insurance.

If you're covered by Schwab,

we'll protect you
from the ravages of fire...

That's great, Pop.

- .the damages of flood...
- (Schwab) Be quiet, Randall.

.the results of a head-on collision.

- We'll protect you...
- (Schwab) Watch the special effects.

..from an unexpected fall.

- How about Finland?
- Too close.

(Schwab) Quiet,
your father's talking.

| can't abide people who drink,
the continent of Africa...

Africa, that's it! We'll call Gabon.

Goddamn it! Stiggs, would you call
someone else for a change?

- King Sunny Ade. He's in Africa.
-0C?

(young man) You said they would cut that out,
when | checked my fly.

- You're through to Africa.
- Is this Gabon? Gabon, Africa?

- Gabon. Gabon. (parrot squawks)
- Yeah. It is!

OK, listen. | want to speak to Bongo.

- Bongo! Bongo!
- It's Bongo. It's him! It's him!

Let me have that.
Here, have a lobster.

Yo, Bongo. This is Oliver Cromwell Ogilvie,
OC to my friends,

of which | have one, Stiggs.

We're in Phoenix,
talking to you in Africa.

Yeah, those are both countries.
Phoenix and Africa.

Schwab!

Come on, Mom. Let's move.
Lobster time.

- (Lenore) Smells good, Daddy.
- (Schwab) Schwab loves lobster.

Time for lobsters and plenty of mayo.

& Serving the desert
For just over 11 years &

Give me the phone!

Bongo, listen, | can't talk
for long. You gotta hold on.

We're on the Schwab patio phone and
Schwab's gonna scream his head off.

No! Elinore!

Elinore! Randall!

My! That's a new way
of folding an egg.

Randall! Elinore!

(Schwab) Police!

- Pop. Where's the lobster?
- That's what I'd like to know.

This is all that's left.

A Schwab? Bongo,
| can't tell you what a Schwab is,

without giving you all the details of what's
happened in our entire lives!

Just tell him about our summer.

Bongo,

let me tell you about the monstrous,
mind-roasting summer we had.

(African song sung by King Sunny Ade)

Hey, OC, Stiggs!
Isn't this a neat pool?

Yeah, Barney.

My mom says you can come
and swim any time you want.

(radio) KOPA 100's advanced weather,
nothing short of torrid.

Yesterday we promised you
a high of 110, got stuck with 113!

What's next? They say 114 but
I'll bet you even money we beat that!

Right now
it's 109 in Phoenix, 112 in Mesa,

and here at KOPA 100
in Scottsdale, it is 111.

& KOPA Scottsdale &

Stiggs, look.
The son of a bitch called the cops.

Uh-oh.

(Schwab) Well, it's about time
they got here.

- There you are.
- OK. What is it this time?

It's out on the patio. I'll show you.

- Ooh! That's a neat gun.
- Hands off the gun, kid.

(Schwab) Stop that!
The police are here.

- What's wrong with her?
- That's Mom. She gets like that.

She's got some inner-ear thing.

(Stiggs) You gotta hold on!
Hello, you still there? OK, good.

(Schwab) This way, Officer.

The whole thing happened on our patio,
right inside our own walls.

- Have you got the evidence?
- What's that?

- It's a bone.
- It's an open-and-shut case.

- Colletti's dog stole our lobsters.
- Who the hell's Colletti?

- He's a real rich guy.
- Shut up. I'll handle this.

He's this guy that lives next door.

Even with that name,
we couldn't keep him out.

- The country's going to the dogs!
- Just like the lobsters!

Hey, you! Come over here!

(officer) Who the hell's that?

Lenore, go inside and
take your what-cha-ma-callit with you.

- That's Lenore's husband.
- Shut up, Randall. You go in, too.

And you, Elinore.

Come on, Randall.
Let Daddy play with the policeman.

Mrs Schwab,
your binoculars are leaking.

The ideal Schwab reasoning.

A beagle comes and puts five lobsters
into a brass bowl,

and then jumps over an 8-foot fence.

- Why are you slumping?
- Why am | slumping?

Back to the dilemma
of our ludicrous summer.

On the last day of school
we were watching the water fountain.

- Hey, OC, Stiggs!
- Hey, Barney.

- Did you guys graduate?
- We were only juniors, Barney.

- Oh, yeah, that's right.
- How about you, Barney?

- You were a senior again.
- Did you make it?

- No, maybe one more year, they say.
- Maybe one, two, three.

- Keep plugging away.
- You'll be 30.

- (Barney) Uh-oh, there's my mom.
- (OC) You'll be mature.

She doesn't know.
| don't want to tell her.

- See you later.
- OK. See you, Barney.

Here she is.

Hi, OC. Don't you look nice?
Wasn't that Barney | saw you with?

- No, but it sure did look like him.
- It really did.

- What's wrong with your ear?
- Nothing.

It looks red. Come by my office
after school. I'll look at it. OK?

She'll take a look at more
than your ear.

- Hi, Garth.
- Hi, Florence.

Last of the good old
golden-rule days?

Yeah, no more "do-unto-others".

Right you are.

- Free enema.
- Free enema?

- Oh, Stiggs.
- Yes.

- Have your mother call me, will you?
- Yes.

What's the matter with your voice?

| still can't understand
how | ran into that goalpost.

Look, there he is.
Randall Junior Schwab.

Easy. This better work, OC.

- He passed !
- Shit!

Oh, I'm so thirsty.
| feel like I'm in the desert.

- You are.
- What?

In the desert. Phoenix is a desert.

Come on, Schwab. Think thirst.

He's going for it.
If he gets the right one.

- It worked.
- (Randall) My books are wet.

Somebody call the principal
or something.

No, it didn't work.

They oughta fix that thing,
don't you think?

- You blew it.
- It exploded, didn't it?

The water was supposed to be blue.

| know, but Schwab got real wet.
He maybe lost a tooth.

You didn't use the right kind
of solenoid.

If you did, Schwab would be wet,

the dye would have come out
and he would have been totally blue.

Be careful what you eat
and you may save that tooth.

- Are you sure?
- I think so.

Barney, use that thermometer.
You must be ill to fail again.

Now, | know there's a lot excitement
thinking about the summer and all,

but have either of you given any thought
to your summer plans at all?

- Mr Stiggs.
- Yes.

- Mr Ogilvie.
- Mr Granger.

They're not really plans,
it's more of a strategy.

Mm-hm. Oliver, is it?
Oliver Cromwell Ogilvie.

- Just OC is fine.
- It stands for "out of control".

- Mm-hm. And you're Mark?
- Yes.

- Mind if | call you Mark?
- Yes.

| want you to call me Stiggs.
It sounds more ridiculous.

- OK. OC and Stiggs.
- And Mr Granger.

- That's correct.
- Don't leave yourself out of this.

The reason | mention
your summer plans,

| have become a little concerned
about your behaviour lately.

Yes, you've been turning in
some very odd things in your classes.

This is something you turned in, Stiggs,
in your English class.

(OC) Very nice. Very nice work.

These are, | think, your projects
for the science fair.

Oh, yes.
That's the Schwab family system.

It shows how an entire family orbits
around an insurance agent dad.

This was found in the women's room
in the teachers' lounge.

It's not named but | believe
it's by the same artist.

(Stiggs) Terrific artist.

- Is that you?
- No.

Why are you two so concerned
with these Schabs?

- No, no. It's Schwabs.
- Schw. Schw.

Yeah, | know.
You think this is all very funny.

But I don't think that the Schwab family does
and I certainly don't.

Well, we'll take your thoughts
into consideration and get back to you.

Yeah.

- OC. Can | ask you a question?
- Sure.

- How's your grandfather?
-Old.

- You're still living with him?
- Just till the end of the summer.

| can't take care of him
much longer. He'll go into a home.

I'm moving to Arkansas

to live with an uncle with
seven car wrecks on his lawn.

Could you get a nurse or some home care
to finish your senior year here?

We can't afford it. His retirement insurance
was cancelled by Schwab.

Do you ever read the fine print?

Didn't know you still had company.

Well, give me five.
See you later, alligator.

Zip, boom, bang.

& School days, school days

- & Oh those golden-rule days... &
- Mr Granger?

- Can | ask you something?
- Certainly, Stiggs.

Why does Mr Sloane sound so much
like an old lady?

Well, he's a drama coach,
as you know.

| believe your mother acts
in his theatre.

Sometimes artists of that ilk
have eccentric mannerisms.

There isn't anything
that unusual about it.

& Wacko goes the hickory stick &

(old man) What got her
so hot and bothered?

You'd think she'd never heard
of the word menopause.

Social workers don't have much
of a sense of humour, Gramps.

Well, that's her problem. Not mine.

Huevos rancheros, lad.

They'll knock your socks off
and steal your money, too.

Thanks, Gramps. Here, let me do that.

No, sit down.
| made these goddamn huevos.

And goddamn it, I'll serve 'em.
No problem.

Great serving job, Gramps.

"Stupid insensitivity that has cost Reagan
the support of many women."

Reagan is doing one hell
of a fine job.

That's because
he's a trained actor, dear.

Any more dog puke for my pancakes?

No, he got over that.
He's now an economic leader.

- Why are you crying, Mom?
- It's an acting experience, dear.

Garth Sloane says if an actress
can't cry on cue she's not worth her salt.

- Show her where the salt is.
- It's got tiny little bugs in it.

Dad, you're not gonna let him
say that? It makes me sick.

Christ, when | was your age,
| was walking my first beat.

The first night, | saw a guy
stumble out of a doorway

with a bullet hole in his head,

and another hole where it came out,
about this big around.

So | put my pen in the hole
in this guy's skull,

right along the entry path.

Goddamn it if the pen didn't fall
all the way into this guy's head.

My partner comes up just as I'm shaking
his head like a maraca,

trying to get my pen to fall out,
and he says,

"That guy's got more brains on the sidewalk
than you have in your head."

Yes, that's right.

& The best music in the valley
Of the sun, KOPA

(DJ) Look out, Phoenix.
We're going to break 110 today.

KOPA's advance weather for the valley calls
for one solid hotbed.

110 today, 114 tomorrow,
who knows what kind of stew by Friday?

(Barney) Mom's gonna be mad
when she finds out we stole her car.

You didn't steal it, you borrowed it.

Come on, Barney,
would you give me a hand?

| got it.

How come | always carry everything?

Just shut up. Come on. Ouch!

- (Barney) See what you get?
- Shut up!

(doorbell chimes)

- I got it
- I think the SWAT team is here.

ow!

- Hi, Debbie. Hi, Missie.
- Hi, Barney.

- Hi, OC.
- Hi, Oliver.

- Hi, Mrs Stiggs.
- Hi, Barney.

- | hear you're in a play.
- The lead, | got the lead.

- That's great.
- Cactus Flower.

Don't you have enough cactus flowers?
We seem to have quite enough already.

- That's the name of the play.
- It prickles.

- Cookie, OC?
- Yeah. Er, no, thanks.

My mom said to say hello
and thank you.

| didn't know you knew Barney's mother.
Thank you for what, Barney?

Her new glasses. | fitted her
for new glasses a few days ago.

- Time for geography lesson.
- What are you doing this summer?

Well, we know these doped-out girls.
We call them sluts.

We're going to take them
to the swimming pools to skinny-dip.

- What's a skinny dip, Mark?
- Bare-assed, Mom.

Just make sure
their parents know where they are.

| can't believe you let him
talk like that.

(Stiggs) Get out of here, trouble.

Christ, it's not easy growing up
in a family of white Watutsis.

Watutsi! That's a dance, idiot.

Listen to this, | think | got a job.

Yeah, at a veterinarian's.
I'm gonna be gassing small animals and stuff.

Hey!
What are you doing, Stiggs?

Well, first, me and OC
are gonna sell these stamps.

We swindled them from Schwab Junior
when he was 12.

Bongo!

Where's Bongo? | can't find Bongo!
| lost Bongo!

Who's Gabongo?

(Stiggs) He's the president of Gabon, asshole!

He has a stamp from Gabon with Bongo on it.
He thinks Bongo's a god.

| thought King Sunny Ade
was your god.

He's my god.
I'm more musically inclined.

Stiggs is, well, let's say,
more political.

Oh! Here it is.

- This guy's incredible.
- (Barney) Incredible?

Yes. Yeah, incredible.

Wouldn't you love to introduce yourself
as President Bongo?

Hello, my name is President Bongo.
Hello, my name is President Bongo.

What are you doing with these stamps?

Selling them.

We're going to buy
a Gila monster, Barney.

| think it may be genetic.
You're just colourless.

What's that supposed to mean?

I'm just trying to rationalise
why Schwab isn't blue.

- You're the jerk who screwed up.
- (quacks)

(radio) ..danger is my game.

| know it's hard getting through
on the phone to us here at KOPA

but keep on trying
and this could be happening to you.

We need adult help and guidance.

(announcer)
Let the loan arranger help you.

With a job, you can establish credit
and get a used car or truck today.

- Which one of you is Bunny?
- I'm Mrs Bunny.

Could we speak to Mr Bunny
as you're busy?

What about?

We're customers.
We want to buy a car.

(Mrs Bunny) He's dead.

Bugs passed out in the back seat
of a '65 Falcon and died.

Bugs? His name was Bugs Bunny?

It was Ed but they called him Bugs.

Excuse us for a moment, ma'am.
Come here.

That was Gramp's last case.

- She murdered him.
- No shit.

The Bugs Bunny Murder.
I'll never forget.

| thought it was the real Bugs.
| was just a kid.

Get this. She sent the Falcon
to be compacted with him in it.

- She got off with a hung jury.
- They hung the jury?

- So, what do you want?
- OK, Ms Bunny.

Number one,
we want zero miles to the gallon.

Right, no mpgs. We need
a vulgarly inefficient engine.

Loud, real loud. It has to generate
a terrifying seismic field of noise.

Combining frightening noise
and the ugliness of poverty would be ideal.

Making people think you're poor,

so they've got nothing to lose
if you crash into them.

(crash)

Here's a list of the places
the car has to be unwelcome.

Number 1, funerals.
Number 2, affairs of state.

You know, real formal ones,
with chamber music.

Number 3, wet golf greens.
Number 4, the Acropolis.

(OC) Driving this car right
in the Acropolis should be horrifying

to every civilised guy on earth.

- (Stiggs) OC. You forgot something.
- (OC) What? The car's perfect.

- | don't mean the car.
- Then what?

- The wedding.
- A gift.

- Sponson.
- Who?

Sponson.

(OC) Who's Sponson?

The guy with the perfect gift
for Lenore Schwab's wedding.

| see fireworks, badges,
clandestine weaponry, anti-bugging...

There it is. Merc for hire.
High risk. No bullshit.

Turn right at the river.

(OC) Where does this guy
think he is, Vietnam?

No, Cambodia.

Charlie. It's Charlie.

Who the hell do they think
they're fooling?

(OC) | don't like this.
He has a gun.

It's OK. He's crazy.

- (goon) How are you doing?
- Hi.

That's good.
You know, dressed up like that,

| never would have guessed you guys
were gooks. Hands up, assholes!

Get your hands up
and get outta that Sherman tank!

Hands up, | said!

(goon) Get outta that tank, now!

(goon) Do you want me
to pull this trigger? Mao!

(goon) One, two, three.
Jump, assholes, jump!

- Tonto!
- Geronimo! Tonto?

(Stiggs) He's my friend.

He ain't. He's my friend.

- How's it going, crazy boy?
- Good.

This little bastard
is bona fide crazy, man.

- Who's the gook with him?
- He's OK.

It's his grandfather who's a cop.

Don't go jiving with me.
Don't bring strangers here.

Don't bring strangers
and tell me they're cops.

- Are you crazy or something?
- I'm not a cop.

My grandfather,
he was a cop, but he's retired.

And you're retarded.

- (goon laughs) That's good.
- So, are you guys veterans?

Does Ho Chi Minh eat Rice Krispies?

- Hands up!
- | told you about Gramps

so you'd know he's used to psychopathic cases
like yourselves.

OK, that's different, then.
Come on in.

- (Stiggs) How've you been?
- Real good, you know.

- (Stiggs) Yeah.
- Pot's growing real good.

Bullet's going real good.
Everything's going real good.

You're crazy, you know that?
You're crazy coming up here.

(goon) A Vietnam tragedy.

My son calls another man Charlie.

(Sponson) We've been humping
100-pound tucks over Charlie's turf.

| got 30 RPGs, plus I'm carrying
some dead Boonie Rats, M60,

SO you can understand
what kind of load I'm talking about.

Well, me and Stiggs,
we usually just lay around all day.

The only load we really have
is like food and cassettes.

Anything heavier,
we just put in the car.

- (indistinct radio communication)
- Do you ever turn this off?

We like to know what's going on
in the area. Know what | mean?

Sponson,
we need to buy something from you.

A wedding present
for this guy's sister.

Listen, | got 35 acres of pot
out there, man.

So if she wants dope for her wedding,
help yourself to it.

No, she can't handle it.
She's real frail and introverted.

She likes listening to ballet music all day
and playing her harp.

So, we thought she'd be more interested in
a machine gun.

No shit.

- Mom, what are you doing?
- Hold still.

- Do you want your cyst to show?
- No, Mom.

But can't you use
flesh-coloured band-aids?

A cyst needs gauze, Lenore.
Besides, it's closer to your skin colour.

It is not.

| could put
little Mercurochrome dots on it.

Let's go show your father.

Mom, wait!

- Daddy!
- Dear?

- Daddy? How do | look?
- Expensive.

Mom, you said
you'd take in these pants.

I'll do it when I'm finished
with your sister.

Your sister. My sister.
That's a laugh. C-Y-S-T-E-R. Sister.

(Sponson) Guns are a disease, man.
You think about that.

They ravage and Kill.
Nothing you can do to stop 'em.

Except buy more of the same disease
and vaccinate yourself. More guns.

Doctors and hospitals thrive on disease
because it's profit to them

and with the profit they buy more
and vaccinate themselves.

With what's left over,
they infect us and kill us.

While they're all safe in
their underground survival shelters

with all the guns and money.

Here is a standard Smm Uzi.

25-round clip.
| think you'll like it.

- Yeah.
- | like it.

Tell that lady to try it out on a dog first,
just to get the hang of it.

("Here Comes the Bride")

Hi, guy. Oh, sorry. Nam?

Stiggs. | don't believe it.
Look at this.

- King Sunny Ade concert.
- Grand fiesta.

- Mexico.
- Flora Vista.

- Two weeks.
- A pilgrimage.

Hey, guy, we'd like this poster,
two wedding suits...

And where is Flora Vista?
Look at me when I'm talking to you.

(bells playing "Wedding March")

(Schwab) There are birds
all over the place.

Get this over with, will ya?

(Schwab) Well, | hope you're happy
she's married a Chinaman.

Trouble is, an hour later,
she'll want to marry somebody else.

I'm going to go sit down.

(Schwab) You bet your ass
| paid for it. A pretty penny.

- I'm gonna sit down.
- (Schwab) | think she's freelance.

All these birds!
| don't like these birds. Barney!

(Schwab) Get one of those birds.

Five dollars apiece to rent them.

You can take another picture
of me now.

Excuse me, I'm ready
for some more pictures.

No! No!

Jack!

(Lenore) Excuse me,
but it's my wedding.

Nothing but a nuisance
this whole day. Excuse me.

I'm the bride. This is my car.

Don't touch me. | can get in myself.
I'm not a cripple. Move! Go!

Lenore, you have spots
all over your dress.

- It's dotted swiss.
- Dotted swiss, my ass.

It's bird shit.
Come on, I'll get it off.

- I've got some cleaning fluid here.
- Do you have enough?

- I've got about a fifth.
- Hurry.

They're leaving without us.

They're not going to leave without
the most important person here.

Randall! Randall!

(woman) Oh, how lovely.
I'm so glad | came.

- Where's the bride?
- Schwab Insurance.

| should be working with him
this summer.

Tang, come over here.

How the hell could you lose a bride
on your wedding day?

Who are those women you came in with?
You can't fool around any more.

Get outta here, little girl!

Height? What's more important
is getting a job with Mr Schwab.

Did you see your mother outside?

No, | didn't look outside.
| had a wee-wee, Pop. Sorry.

- I'm sorry.
- All right,

(woman) Excuse me,
where's the receiving line?

(Schwab) You're in it.
Who are you?

I'm Clare Dejavue.

(Randall) Hey, here come
some more guests.

Stay right here. OC, Stiggs.
When did you guys get here?

- Yesterday, Barney.
- I'm glad you came.

- | was getting really bored here.
- Hi, Stiggs.

That's a funny little jacket
you got on there.

(magical music)

OC, where are you going? OC!

(Schwab) Now she's married.

| don't know how you did it.
Congratulations. | got a present.

- (Schwab) Good for you.
- (Stiggs) Yeah.

(Barney) Hey, everybody.
Look at them dancing up here!

- That's my friend, OC.
- That's my girlfriend, Michelle.

(Randall) Wait. Aren't the bride
and groom supposed to dance first?

(Schwab) | think traditionally
they do, yeah.

In this case it's probably better.
| doubt if old Tang can dance.

(Randall) Those Chinese,
they got those short legs.

Hey, look at them go!

(Stiggs) You're Michelle's boyfriend, aren't you?

He's dancing with Michelle.
Do you let him dance with your girlfriend?

- Yeah.
- What a schmuck you are.

(Schwab) But she was in the coach
when you left?

Hey, OC. See that?

| wasted 17 dollars for the cab.

Who do you think you are,
leaving me at the church?

You make me so sick. Shut up.

17 dollars for the cab, please.

All right, but bring back the change,
and no tipping.

- (Lenore) Daddy. Daddy.
- What? Why are you so late?

Mom stopped at the deli.

There's plenty of food here.
Why would she stop?

Well, she needed ch... cherries.

Cherries? Why cherries?
You've got food here.

Mrs Schwab, let me help you.

Thank you.
| just want an empty glass.

- You don't want any punch?
- No, | don't drink.

- | just want the glass.
- It was such a beautiful ceremony.

Do you feel like you've lost
a daughter or gained a son?

Excuse me.

(Barney) Hey, OC. You were great!

-I'mQC.
- I'm Michelle.

- What are your names?
- Robin.

- What a lovely name.
- Charlotte! Photographer.

Yuck! Yuck!

Don't dance so close to me!

- You dance good.
- Barney taught me.

Dance with me, please!

- Michelle.
-0OC.

(Lenore) He makes me sick.

Cheers.

(Schwab) He's your choice.
He's always made me sick.

Are your glasses comfortable... Florence?

- | may call you Florence, mayn't I?
- Oh, yes, Mr Stiggs.

My brother's such a jerk.
Look at him.

He's a real dimbo.
He's dancing with the horror child.

Where did you get that suit?

This was made by my tailor in London.
It only cost 1,000 dollars.

- You dance divinely, Fred.
- Thank you, Ginger.

Oh, excuse me. This is my wife.
Darling, Mrs Beaugereaux.

Darling. What a charming name.
You can call me Florence.

- My name is Della, not Darling.
- Yes, dear.

Yes what?

- What's that?
- Oh, nothing. Just a little prick.

You make me sick.

Lenore, | found your garter
in the ladies' room.

- Give that to me. It's my underwear.
- You're disgusting.

I'm moving in with you tonight, Randall.

- No, you guys'll be all squishy.
- My present!

Mrs Schwab. Jeff Washington.
How do you do?

I've been trying to talk
to your husband all afternoon.

I'm very interested
in the insurance business.

Good.

- Do you want to know what this is?
- | tried to look.

- Oh, God.
- It's a machine gun.

Oh, well, that's another story,
| suppose.

If you could find the safety,
you'd have the most fun of your life.

| don't know, I've had a lot of fun. | have Legos.

(Randall) Jesus Christ, it's alive.

- Randall. What do you have there?
- A new toy. It's better than Legos.

Get the chandelier!

- All right,
- That was great, Randall.

- (Schwab) What the hell was that?
- Are you having a good time?

(Stiggs) Bongo, nobody got killed.

But they had to tranquillise Lenore
with a rhino's dart.

Mrs Schwab was already tranquillised.

(Schwab) How come Confucius here
gets a fork and I'm stuck with sticks?

We ordered Chinese takeout, Pop.

It's the only place
that had any lobsters.

It's down again.

(Schwab) Goddamn decorator gimmicks.

Who decided to order Chink?
You know | don't like gook food.

- (OC) Looks like a lost weekend.
- Weekend? Bongo,

OC was about to ruin our summer
by falling in L-O-V-E with a dancer.

You're gonna be OK.

Come on.

I'm gonna put you down, OK?
Because I'm very tired.

Come on.

- Hey, where are you going?
- Found me a puppy dog.

- (Michelle) Hi. Sorry, that's mine.
- Hi, Michelle.

OC. | didn't recognise you
with the hat.

Oh, yeah. Which do you like better?
Fred Astaire or Cisco Kid?

- Stiggs.
- Yeah.

Yeah, Stiggs, you remember Michelle.

Sure, the Ginger Rogers
of the Schwab wedding party.

- Right.
- Here.

- What's in there?
- These are lobsters.

Well, not true lobsters.
They're actually little spiny rock lobsters.

- Which makes them crayfish.
- They sall just as well from a car.

- You just take 'em...
- Are you always like this?

- Yeah, sure.
- Well, not always.

Sorry, I've got to get him
to the clinic. He's not been well.

- Bye-bye.
- Bye.

Michelle. Michelle!

If you'd like to go out,
for some real lobsters or something,

me and Stiggs are going to Mexico,
but when we get back...

Yeah, sure. Call me. Bye-bye.

- Come here, man.
- What?

- | just thought of something.
- What?

Barney works at that pet clinic
and he'll probably kill her dog.

Bob. Are you here? Bob!

(Bob) Go away. Vamoose.

- It's me, Stiggs. | brought OC.
- Hey.

Beat it. Let the doorknob hit you
where the good Lord split you.

- You don't have a doorknob, Bob.
- Don't call me Bob. Use my name.

- That is your name.
- My full name.

- What's his full name?
- | don't know.

I'd like to be called something
| like. That's my right, right?

- Right.
- Right

| like wine. Bob the wino. Wino Bob.

Wino Bob. Good old Wino.

Wine's nice.
You gotta know how to handle it.

That's why they call it Sneaky Pete,
'cause it can sneak up on ya.

That's what happened
to old Abraham Lincoln.

- Old Abraham Lincoln?
- Lincoln? What?

One night he gets all tore up
on his wine.

The next day, when they told him
what he'd done, he says "What?

| did what? | freed the who?"

- What do you boys want?
- Liquor. Atomic-grade liquor.

Here, let me help you, Wine.

Enough of this folklore, picturesque
Uncle Remus bullshit.

Wait. You see, it's our friend Barney's birthday.

We'll get him drunk
so he'll wanna come.

To Mexico.

Here now. Remember,
Herman Hahn and Edward Teller.

We drink what they drink, all right?

- We need brain-powered liquor.
- What you boys need is some pussy.

- Goodnight, Barney.
- Oh, goodnight, Mom.

- Hey, | like your new glasses.
- Oh, thank you. Goodnight, darling.

Well, now. Does that feel good?

Well, it feels good
but | can't see anything.

Oh! That's because
they're just the frames, see?

- Here, try on this pair.
- All right,

- Does that feel good?
- Mr Stiggs!

- Well, there he is.
- Think he heard us?

Let's make sure.

What are they doing here?
| had her right where | wanted her.

It's good for his heart.

- What is, Mrs Barney?
- No, using the stairs.

. Till those dratted kids
gummed it up.

- Happy Birthday, Barney.
- Happy Birthday, Barney.

- There you go.
- Thank you.

- OC and Stiggs.
- Happy Birthday to you, Mrs Barney.

Looking at the size of Barney's head,
you deserve congratulations, too.

Thanks, guys. Did you know,
| didn't even know today was my birthday?

Wait here a minute. Hey, Mom?

Did you know today was my birthday?

It must have slipped my mind, honey.

What a beautiful present.
How thoughtful of you boys.

She was probably having a celebration for you
tomorrow, in her new glasses.

We're just gonna play
with Barney's new toy.

Oh, my mom said to say "Hello".

Such an interesting woman.
Now you behave yourself.

Don't worry about us.
We're tired of being kids.

We're gonna start acting
like adults now.

- Barney?
- Yeah?

Your mother's bathrobe is stained.

How's she gonna find a new husband
with a stained bathrobe?

Maybe she can't afford one.

That's why she needs a new husband,
spaghetti-head.

- OK. Why don't you marry her?
- Not me. OC.

No, | ain't buying a bathrobe.
You, Barney.

Oh, sure. I'm gonna marry my own mom.

-Ha, ha.
- (Stiggs) OK. Give me the hammer.

(Barney) What are you doing?
It's my present. You guys gave it to me.

We're going to Mexico, Barney.

(OC) And you're going with us.

Hey, guys. Look at this!

Barney, grab onto the money!

- Don't worry. | got it!
- Grab the tube.

- Why didn't we take the train?
- 'Cause there's no train to Mexico.

Would you guys help me?

4 Schwab Insurance

J Serving the desert

God damn it. 800,000-dollar house
and a four-dollar gate.

(screams)

Randall!

(OC) Day number 4.

Our suffering for King Sunny
continues relentlessly.

Extremely dirt-filled polluted water
gurgles around us relentlessly.

Our skin has been mercilessly tanned
by relentless alfresco sun.

Soon we will be as brown
as the idol we search for.

We think Barney may be urinating
in the running water,

and our greatest fear are,
| dare not say it, leeches.

Our supplies have dwindled
to the size of a small pyramid,

and Mr Stiggs is trying to kill fish with his mind.

We've hitchhiked to our third river
and we think we're in Mexico.

We're down to our last boat flare.

(guitar strums, cock crows)

(Mexican music)

oC!

Buenos dias.

- Barney.
- What?

(OC) Hide the you-know-what.

You mean the money?

You know,
you guys better have badges.

Badges?
We don't have no stinking badges.

We got souvenirs.
You wanna buy some goodies?

Machetes? Come again, amigo.
Top discount.

| got anything you want.
| got a truck up there full of stuff.

Sefiores.

- (Mexican music)
- (man) Hey, amigos!

(OC) Pancho, you can keep these
inner tubes as payment for the ride.

Put them in your tyres.
They're Schwab's. Better than Goodrich.

(Barney) Where are we?
And what are we doing here?

(Stiggs) Flora Vista, Mexico, Barney.
King Sunny Ade's concert.

(OC) At the gay fiestal

Buenas fardes, Sefiora.
Those are your "childrinos"?

Yes, hello. Ha, ha.

Ah, "'musicale” si. Yes.

(Barney) What do you think of my hat?

- That looks great, Barney.
- Thanks.

If you look in the mirror,
it'll look backwards.

Look at that! (whinnies)
Do you hear that? He answered.

- (Barney) Where are we going?
- (Stiggs) To find King Sunny.

- We'll ask this guy.
- All right,

- "Informayshione."
- There you go, Barnold.

Can you tell us
where King Sunny Ade might be?

King? No king. Es una republica.

- No, no, la musica.
- Oh, mariachi.

(Barney) Guys, look at this place.

I a plaza. I a plaza esta noche.

- What's he talking about?
- He said tonight.

(OC) La plaza? King Sunny
must be playing in the plaza tonight.

Of course!
Don't you understand Mexican?

(man) Where's the money?
Where is the money?

- There he is! It's King Sunny.
- Yeah! Go! Go!

| say, where is the money?

- (OC) What's going on?
- | don't know what they're saying.

Neither do I.

Come on, pay that money.

What's going on?

They're not gonna play
because they're not gonna pay.

You are a foolish man.
Where is the money?

King Sunny Ade, I'm Stiggs,
from Ogilvie and Stiggs.

- Nice meeting you.
- Ogilvie and Stiggs, booking agents.

- Hi.
- This is my band manager.

We can understand your reluctance to play
without getting paid up front.

Of course, this kind of thing
doesn't happen in the good old USA.

You know, we booked the Rolling Stones
for a one-nighter in Phoenix.

- Arizona.
- Yeah, but...

.they cancelled
because of an overdose.

Of bookings.

So, we can arrange to put you
in their spot, if you're interested.

- When?
- When could you get there?

- They're gonna do it.
- Shut up!

(tfrumpet playing)

(cat miaows)

"Me and OC are on vacation

thus unable to maintain pressure
on the Schwabs.

Give these free T-shirts to your friends
to roam around town in."

| hope | can last
till the boys get back.

Have you seen my friend, Barney?
He's really stupid-looking.

- Frizzled hair, big hat.
- No, no.

Anything? | didn't think so.

Do you think we should record
our experiences here?

Nothing worth recording.

Oh, such height. | don't want to go on this thing.
End of discussion.

Come on, we came to have fun,
didn't we?

Going up and down in a little car
is not my idea of fun.

Look, it's Mom's director,
Garth Sloane.

- And our counsellor, Red Granger.
- Together at a gay fiesta.

(OC) Testing, testing 1-2-3.
Testing Pi R squared.

- Is it working now?
- It's working great.

(Stiggs) Where are they?

(Stiggs) Hi, boys!

Buenos dias, boys. What a surprise.
What are you doing here?

We try to catch every gay fiesta.

We consider it
part of our education.

- Where are your wives?
- (Garth) None of us are married.

(Stiggs) | thought it was natural
for male adults to have wives.

There are many alternate lifestyles
available to adults.

(Stiggs) Do you have a division of
responsibilities? Who does the taxes?

- (Granger) | beg your pardon?
- Which one of you's the girl?

(Garth) You can't bully us.
We have nothing to hide.

I've said it. I've said it.

OC! Stiggs!

There's no place like home.

(Schwab Insurance song plays)

There is no place like home.

(insurance song continues)

- (Randalf) Oh, God.
- (Elinore) Hold my hair.

Oh, OK. Aah.

& And misery loves our company &

| think the sickness
the Schwab tribe is experiencing

is not totally unlike the way | felt
when we returned from Mexico.

(throws up)

(Gramps) Once | was transporting
a prisoner from here to New York City.

We was handcuffed together
because this guy was dangerous.

He'd killed a preacher
one Sunday morning in church

and cut out his tongue
in front of the entire congregation.

We was on the bus an hour
when he got a severe case of diarrhoea.

Nothing, but absolutely nothing,
could stop him.

The bus driver's
losing time stopping.

- (voice on phone) Hello.
- (OC) Hello, Michelle.

- Yeah. Who is this?
- This is OC. Hi.

-Er.
- The Cisco Kid.

..handcuffed to this guy.

- (Michelle) Fred! Astaire, right?
- (OC) Fred Astaire, right.

| thought tonight might be a good night
to have lobster night.

- Lobster night. No, not really.
- Oh, it's not.

- No.
- (OC) What are you doing?

- I'm going out to dinner, kind of.
- Are you? Where?

- Ernesto's.
- Ernesto's. Right.

That's a real fancy place.

And | can't wait, so I'd better hurry.
I'd better get off the phone.

(Gramps) Drink it.
No, don't smell it. Drink it.

OK, bye.

- (Gramps) That's it. Right here.
- Agh!

Well, he'll come to in a minute
and want a girl.

- Just like that other fella.
- &' thought she liked me, too

& Guess | was wrong &

It worked! It really worked.

Don't tell me what's in it.
| might get addicted.

- What's with Michelle?
- She's got a date.

Give me that phone, then.
I'm calling the sluts. Give me it.

(Gramps) You see, what did | tell ya?

Uh-oh. Look who's here.

(OC) Look who he's with.
Do we go elsewhere?

No, I'll handle this.
Come on, sluts.

- (Mrs Barney) Yes.
- A divorce.

No. Oh, that's a very sad subject.
You see, Mrs Stiggs, er...

- Isn't that Mrs Beaugereaux?
- Who's Mrs Beaugereaux?

You know, the... you know...
school nurse.

No. | never get sick.

Just a few minutes
and your table will be ready.

- Good evening.
- Good evening.

- A table for Ogilvie and Stiggs.
- With a reservation?

- This is Ms Whitley.
- Yeah, and Ms Rockaflute.

- Yes, just follow me.
- No, no, no.

Could we just stand here a moment
till my dad sees us and sneaks out?

What is it?

- Oh, my God!
- What is it?

(OC) She sees us.

- | thought your name was Shultz?
- Me, too.

Why did you make me buy this peach
ice cream to match my tie?

| hate peach ice cream.

No, | don't like coloured ice cream.

Do you want to listen to my watch?
| don't think it's Japanese.

What are you doing in those T-shirts?

- Drop dead, Jack.
- Want some, honey?

- You can't wear those!
- Drop dead, pumpkin-head.

He means it.

(Schwab) All right,
everybody back in the car. Let's go.

| think we have everything.

Lobster bisque,
lobster salad, lobster cocktail.

Lobster diablo,
lobster butter, lobster Maine.

And our dessert tray
for this evening?

Why do you keep ordering those?
| hate them.

Waiter, please send that tray of lobsters
to the table in the corner,

- with our compliments.
- Yes, sir.

Yes, very good service.

Excuse me, the gentleman at that table
asked me to bring you these.

He did?

Would you tell the gentleman from me,
that he can put his lobsters

where the birds don't sing
and the moon don't shine?

Thank you.

| say hold on.

(Schwab) This man's got a lot to say.

To art, literature, music?

God forbid. I'm talking about
bread and butter and guns.

- Did art save the Roman Empire?
- (Schwab) Sure did not.

Rome was full of statues,
teeming with art.

Nero himself was a fairly able poet
and better than country-fair fiddler.

Don't talk to me about art.

- Why are you wearing that mitten?
- My hand's cold.

Blood, sweat and tears subdued the forests,
rivers, deserts and plains,

and the savages who could not grasp
the great American Dream.

Blood, sweat and tears built
the highways, won your wars,

put bread on your table, stitched your shirts
and cobbled your shoes.

But the schools are telling you
there's an easy way.

A short cut , a detour around
this vale of work and sacrifice and pain.

(Schwab) Pay attention, Randall.
He knows what he's talking about.

- Pop...
- Sh

- (OC) Don't forget the cherry bombs.
- What are they for?

Because we want Schwab to think
he's in the middle of World War |ll.

Pop, you better...

(TV) ..and half the students struggling
with calculus...

- (Randall) Oh, boy. Oh, God.
- (Schwab) What is it, Randall?

No problem, Pop. Under control.
No problem whatsoever.

Watch. This is good.

(TV) ..senators, congressmen,
bureau chiefs, directors of agencies.

(Randall) Oh, God. Here we go.
Oh, God.

(TV) After four martinis and
a free lunch, they lose their bearings.

(Randall) Oh, God.

(TV) There's nothing this country
needs more than a good haircut.

Schwab's watching his idol,
Hal Phillip Walker.

(screams)

What the hell was that?

Schwab!

It's dead.

- Kids in the pool, Pop.
- What?

(Schwab) In the pool? Trespassers.

(Schwab) What the hell is this, here?

Hey, what are you doing out there?
Come back here! Hey, you!

What's going on?
Who the hell are you?

Come back here.
That's indecent exposure over there.

- Pop, fireworks. All right!
- Fireworks? It's bombs.

Elinore! Get the police back here.
Get the National Guard in here.

Wait, wait!

(Robin) They don't do this
in Thailand, you know.

(African drums)

Where's the rest of my stuff?

That's mine.

There's nobody here.

(loud music starts playing)

I'm gonna guess... rummage sale.

Hi. I'm Pat Colletti,
and welcome to Tahiti.

Girls, if you need some clothes,
there's some on a rack back there.

Might be a bit big,
but take 'em.

Lord knows, | can't sell 'em.

What you need is some good strong
brown liquor from Bora Bora.

A Golden Scorpion. Come on.

I'll fix it for you.
| make a good one.

- Schwab throw you out?
- Yeah.

Mi casa, su casa.
Anything you see, it's yours.

If I don't have it, you don't
need it. Double or triple?

- (OC) Triple.
- All righty. OK.

Here you go. Two with fruit.
That'll hold you.

And this ought to hold me.
This is the life, isn't it?

| wonder what the poor people
are doing tonight.

| know where 634 of them
will be on Monday.

Working for me in my sweatshop.
To Mexico.

- (OC) So, what do you do?
- (Colletti) Basically, | drink.

And | make a lot of money.

| mean, what kind of work do you do

that you can do... really wasted?

- Hog couture, boys.
- Hog couture? What's that?

| manufacture clothes for fat women.

- For fat ladies?
- Yeah.

No, it's true.

Seriously. Today's fat woman
really demands style.

Although | admit the new line
is not doing well.

- Why not?
- Africa.

Africa? What's wrong with Africa?
We love Africa. Africa's great.

- No. It's an African designer.
- What's his name?

Mohammed Otis Negro or something.
They just didn't click.

- Is this all you have?
- | see why.

Those things make me dizzy.

- Stripes make me look fat.
- They're afrodizziacs.

What? What did you just call 'em?

- The sluts?
- No, no. The dresses.

- | don't remember.
- (Colletti) Oh, man.

- Afrodizziacs, dizzyacks.
- Absolutely tasteless.

(Colletti) Tasteless.
And right in front of me all the time.

(Stiggs) The sleeping habits of
the Schwabs are hard to describe.

Schwab falls asleep the minute
he hits the pillow.

Nothing can wake him up
for nine hours.

Randall? He sleepwalks
and reads sex magazines all night long.

(Randall) Oh boy.
"| slowly pushed my...

She moaned and squirmed.”

(Stiggs) As for Mrs Schwab,

when Schwab sleeps, she creeps.

- Where's my milk?
- "I nibbled her..." (sniggering)

Oh, ah.
| was just having a glass of milk.

(Elinore) No, not the milk.

It tastes sour. Argh!

That's my bourbon mil... buttermilk.

It tastes sour, not of butter.
It's supposed to taste smooth.

- Oh, God.
- Go to bed, Randall.

OK, Mom.

Mom?

"We had sex anywhere from
two to twelve times a week."

How does that work?

(OC) | have no idea.

'Arkansas has many beautiful
forestry facilities."

(doorbell rings)

- Uh? Uh? Uh?
-Ah..

- Hello. Does OC live here?
- Who wants to know?

Didn't think I'd hear, did ya?

Hi, Michelle. Come on in.

Thanks.

Pleased to meet you, Trixie.
Would you like some joe?

This is my grandfather.
This is Michelle.

No, thank you.
I'm just here to see OC.

Oh, | see. Well, I'm having some joe.

- (car horns)
- Honk if you change your mind.

-OK.
- Thanks, Gramps.

(Gramps) Mark Stiggs called.

Sit down.

(Gramps)
He said to tell you that, er...

- God!
- Er... here.

These aren't mine...

See, Gramps used to. ..
I'll just hold onto 'em.

The reason | came by was to tell you

| didn't appreciate you
and your friend at the restaurant.

| don't care how funny you think
you are, sometimes you're not.

I'm sorry.

Here we go. Here.

- Here's your joe.
- (OC) She didn't want any, Gramps.

Says you.

You know, | had a case one time,

a guy wasted somebody
for not buying him a coffee.

He has no change by a coffee machine.

He asks this guy for a dime.

He says, "No, get away, you bum."
So he gets mad and cold-cocks him.

He puts the body in the trunk of his car,
drives across the state line,

dumps the body, and we find it
a week later with the head cut off.

Listen to me, we nailed the bastard

because | checked the bush
where the body was found.

| found blood
on the underside of the leaves.

Obviously, the guy wasn't dead
when the head was cut off,

otherwise the blood wouldn't have
squirted up into the bush.

I'm sorry, | really have to go.
Bye-bye.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah, I'm late.

It was very nice to meet you, sir.

- Thanks for coming by.
- Yeah. Bye-bye.

- For once, can't you just shut...?
- (Gramps laughs)

Must you open those doors?

If you have to, put them away
and leave us so we can work.

All right, now, boys and girls.

(Garth) What are we doing?

First, we all know that it was once
an original French play

called Le Caclus, la Fleur.

And now it's called, in American, Cactus Flower.

(Mr Stiggs) Wait here.
I'm gonna get some tickets.

My name's Stiggs. | have
three tickets back there for me.

My wife is playing the lead.
They should be complimentary.

(woman) Garth! Garth!

Stella, | hope
you've finally learned your lines.

And please do something
about those scratches.

- May | ask you a question, please?
- Make it fast, girl.

|s Cactus Flower a musical?

What in God's name makes you ask
such a stupid question?

Well, there are a lot of musicians backstage
unloading equipment.

King Sun and the Bush-beaters,
or something. They're black.

But, Garth,
it's OK if it's a musical,

because | can sing and dance.

No, you can't. Get out of here!

Stop with that time step.
Disappear from my theatre, do you hear me?

Garth. Take it easy on her.
She's just a woman.

OC and Stiggs.

You didn't let them blackmail you
with that tape, did you?

| didn't think they'd ever do that,
especially on opening night.

- You shouldn't have.
- | didn't do it for me.

| did it only for you.

| would gladly
have faced the school board.

But...

.| love you for it, anyway.

Oh, Rusty. Ah!

(Stiggs) He probably fell asleep.

- (Stiggs) Bob.
- (OC) Bobby.

- We're taking you to a concert.
- King Sunny Ade.

It's your kind of music, Wine.
He's a Nigerian prince.

Maybe he's a relative.

He's passed out. Give him a poke.

Poke. Poke.

Come on, Wine.
This is an emergency. Come on.

Stiggs.

Yeah. God.

| don't suppose the Phoenix
Liquor Association has a policy

for burying dead winos.

You just stay here, Wino Bob.

We'll see you
right after the concert.

(Stiggs) Yeah.

Is it your voice,
or have we met before, Mrs Dejavue?

(man) Hello, can | get you a drink? Wine?

Wine? No, we don't drink here.

- .the other day.
- What are you doing here?

Oh, yes, your wife's in the play, isn't she?

Ladies and gentlemen,

we'd like to dedicate
this evening's performance

to someone special who died tonight.

Some knew him as Wino Bob.

Others thought of him as that old bum
ina Schwab T-shirt.

0C.

He smudged your make-up.

You can go on tomorrow.
It's just a little mix-up.

Tomorrow? I've already
forgotten my lines, you fool.

| wanna be with my family.

Better be good, Sloane.

(cheering)

(Stiggs) Damn. I should have kept
the tapes till I got the money.

Then we could have hired
a nurse for Gramps.

(OC) No, private nurses cost
over two grand a month.

We should have buried him
here with Bob.

oC!

Well, he'd be more comfortable here
than in the nursing home.

You know, sometimes you come across
what we call "biters".

This is a guy that rapes 'em,
kills 'em and then bites 'em.

-3,2.
- Bingo!

| got it! Wait a minute!

- I've got it! I've got it, dirt boy.
- What?

I've got the most incredible,
brain-exploding plan in the world

to make a pile of money.

(Stiggs) Uh-oh. It's two Schwabs
and his Chinese caddie.

- (OC) And Michelle's boyfriend.
- And my old man.

Let's get outta here.

What the hell? It's a grave.

- Must be a joke.
- Joke, my ass!

Somebody's turned it
into a miniature golf course.

That's right, Mr Schwab.

- That's not Colletti.
- It's got a belly like him.

(man) What do they do
with baseball spikes?

They want to hurt somebody, right?

Football? You wear rubber cleats.
Rubber cleats!

Football players go to camp.

Who else goes to camp?
Girl Scouts, Boy Scouts.

- Is that PeeWee Reese?
- No, Bob Uecker.

- Have you seen Pat Colletti?
- He's right there.

Where? Oh, that's his case.
That's his cigarette case.

Hi. Look who's here, the thin twins.

I'll tell ya, Janine goes crazy
whenever we go in the cooler.

- Look at this. Another one.
- Janine did that?

No, a case of lobsters fell on me.

| told her like 15 times,
'Slow down, Janine. Slow down."

- What can | do for you?
- We need money.

- For OC's grandfather.
- My money?

No, not yours.
The only way to get it is charity,

but nobody'll donate for one guy.

If we come up with a good cause
that people can get into,

like curing drug addicts and winos.
Do you understand?

Absolutely. | like it.
Where are you setting it up?

We thought maybe
you could give us some ideas.

- You're gonna need a place.
- Yeah.

We know where to find
the drug addicts and winos.

Who will you ask to donate?

- Maniac charity women, | guess.
- Today's July 3, isn't it?

- Yeah, the All-star break.
- (Colletti) I'll make some calls.

Tomorrow,
Phillip Walker is making a speech,

Schwab will be there
for every word of it, which means...

He won't be home!

(Elinore) Ahh! Who took my cologne?

(Randall) | don't understand it.
Barney's here dressed as a scientist.

- (Stiggs) Who do I look like?
- (Randall) My doctor.

(Stiggs) You trust your doctor,
don't you? Good. What's today?

- The Fourth of July.
- Right. Where's your father?

At a Phillip Walker rally.

(Stiggs) What could be
more American than that?

- Not a lot, I don't think.
- There is.

We could be blowing...

- Randall, where are my binoculars?
- | don't know, Mom.

Do you know about this?

Oh, you have a friend, that's nice.
You should have playmates.

- (Barney) I'm a good worker.
- Charlotte, you do all the enemas.

This says that the Love House
is a federal charity.

Federal charity.

(Stiggs) It also says
that owners and occupants

shall surrender clear unimpeded easement
to all rights herein.

Do you understand that, Schwabo?

(Randall) Sort of, but | think
Pop will be mad about this.

- (Stiggs) It says that here.
- Where?

I'm going down to the rec room.
Don't you break the birds.

- Who are those people?
- Randall has playmates over.

You go to your room and play.

- Mom!
- It's OK, you're married now.

Citizenship has its obligations, Schwab.
Some of them hurt like shit.

Yeah? Well,
don't let anybody touch my Legos!

(Barney) Don't worry.
| know what I'm doing.

Hey, Charlotte. How does it look?

(Stiggs) Here they are.

(Charlotte) Oh, my God.
Are those supposed to be our patients?

(Robin) | don't know.
They're a bunch of guys.

(Charlotte) Eew.
These are your friends?

This is disgusting.

All houses leak.
| used to design them.

How did we get into this?

Not too bad, old-timer. No rocks.
Not a bad place to spend the evening.

OK. Now, listen up.

Now, pretty soon,

this place is going to be crawling with
philanthropic crazed women

with rich husbands.

(whistles)

(indistinct conversation)

- Look, our first guests are in here.
- (OC) Come right in.

- Don't | know you?
- Perhaps you do. | don't know.

Hi. Hi, ladies. Nice to meet you.

(OC) Come right in.
This is our harmonic therapy withdrawal tank.

We rehabilitate these people
suffering from derelictitus.

There's a little more to this
than meets the eye.

This is the bedroom.
They don't sleep here.

It's an image for them,
a capitalistic kind of thing.

It's encouragement
to clean up their act someday,

maybe get a job packing groceries
and dream of seeing pictures of this.

Whoa! Watch it,
the floor's coming up, folks.

Wait, it's a Christmas lantern.

They're having a good time in there,
aren't they, though? Oh, boy.

I'm not using my real name.

I'm primarily interested
in writing a novel,

and the closest | can get is being with,
in the same environment...

- (Barney) Isn't that neat?
- {(man) Want some of this?

- No, | don't do any of that stuff.
- This is the best bird you can buy.

I'll become a member
of this club.

(OC) After observation,
it ain't going too good, Stiggs.

They're all drinking.

The Sons of Italy must be in town.
They're parking way over here.

(OC) Schwab! Schwab's home.

(Stiggs) He's gonna be excited
about this.

(Schwab) Whoa, boy.

Where's the button, damn it?

- Come here!
- Oh, shit!

What the hell are you people
doing here?

Is that liquor?

You know there's no drinking
in my house.

Get out of the harp room.
That's my daughter's.

Tell these people
they can't drink here.

- My God, you're black!
- Get outta here. Who are you?

Elinore, there's a black man...
Elinore!

Get out of that... Stop that!
You can't do that in...

Who's that?

- Calm down. Think like doctors.
- OK. Say "Ah".

(screams)

| don't know who called you
but it's perfectly unnecessary.

I'm under my own recognisance.
Go away. Go on.

(OC) Come on!

Everybody out! Nobody here can...

Elinore.
Where the hell is that woman?

- What the hell is this?
- Our fireworks.

- He kept our fireworks.
- Come on!

Elinore. Do you realise
there are people drinking out there?

Drinking in my house?

What is this?

- It's like an outer-space sewer.
- Smells like it, too.

There's little men in white suits
in the shelter.

- Oh, my God, the shelter!
- Happy Fourth of July, dear.

Democracy has failed.
Democracy is as dead as the dodo bird.

This isn't a sewer,
it's a goddamn survival shelter.

Yeah.

(OC) Popcorn for years.
They've got Frankie Tang food.

Look! The Uzi.
Son of a bitch kept our Uzi.

Schwab radio.

Intruders.

Hall How's it going, Hal?

- Hey! Who's in there?
- Schwab!

- (OC) Oh, shit!
- (Stiggs) Where...

- Stay right where you are, Schwab!
- I'm coming in to get ya!

| wouldn't do that.
We got your guns and we'll blow your head off.

| can't get it open.

You can't fool me. I've got the keys
to that locker with me.

Fireworks. The fireworks.

- (Schwab) | know who you are.
- Don't take another step, Schwab.

Talk to him.

(Schwab) | can fill this tunnel
with gas in a matter of seconds.

OK. Go

Banzai!

I've got to run!
They've got the bomb.

Oh. All right.
So, they want a war, do they?

Yes, we've lost control.

But we will not heed the little demons crying
"Lay down your arms".

- Son of a bitch is shooting back.
- I'll call for help.

(Stiggs) Mayday. Mayday. Sponson,
we need help. Sponson, come in!

Look at me, come on. That's it.
Point the gun at me. That's it.

Certainly, peace is
the great virtue of mankind.

War is the great crime.

- Mayday. Mayday. Sponson, help.
- Mayday?

Copy Mayday. Identify yourself.

- Stiggs. Mark Stiggs. Copy?
- I read ya, crazy boy. I read ya.

We're under attack in Schwab's survival shelter.
We need help.

Stay on this frequency.
We'll be right with you.

This is it, Herbert.
This is what we've been waiting for.

("Ride of the Valkyries")

(Schwab) You're gonna be sorry
you ever came in here.

Sponson, come in. Do you read me?

Crazy boy, this is Sponson, your leader.
We need your coordinates.

(Sponson) Crazy boy,
we need your coordinates.

- What's he talking about, OC?
- Where we are.

Our coordinates are... Schwabland.
South Roadrunner Drive.

It's an incredibly
stucco sterile monstrosity.

For Christ's sake, every house
looks the same down there.

Look for a lot of American flags.

Look at that. A stagecoach
with a rattlesnake on top.

That's it. That's the place.

Hurry up over here.
We're getting attacked bad.

OK, hold until relieved.
We're coming in. Bring her in, Herbert.

Right, move it out.

I've never had
a surprise party before.

Move it out, come on. Move it out.

Let's go. Move it. Move it, | said!

(Elinore) Thank you, Frankie.
I'm having such fun.

(Sponson) Move. In the cage.
Get in there.

(Barney) Don't sound like
Gl Joe to me.

Where's your boss?
Where's your commanding officer?

Somebody talk or I'll waste you all.

- I'm not one of them.
- Shut up!

Colonel Schwab is the commanding officer.
I'll take you to him.

Come on, no tricks like Charlie.
Don't barbecue, man. Where is he?

Caves, man.
Charlie always lives in caves.

Up against the wall. Didi mao.
Up against the wall. Hold it.

Crazy boy! Come on,
| got Charlie. Let's go.

Do you think you'd survive, survivalists?

- Here, blow the place.
- This is real. This is real!

- Everything is sooner or later, man.
- Take it!

Move it out! Come on, Charlie.
Move it out.

Where are you taking me?
| wanna talk to my lawyer.

- (Stiggs) He's working for us now.
- (Schwab) That can't be. He's loyal.

("Ride of the Valkyries")

OK. Banzai!

(Sponson) Happy Fourth of July, Schwab!

("The Star-Spangled Banner’)

Take off his blindfold
and show him the war.

- (Stiggs) All right.
- I got a knot in my stocking.

- (Schwab) You watch my hair.
- Just like the old days.

- (Schwab) Who are you people?
- We're military advisors, Schwab.

Sources inform us that you're
a commie pinko faggot insurance man.

- Where are you taking me?
- We're taking you to hell.

Hell? Oh, my God. Look,
I'll give you anything, anything you want.

(OC) | want you to go swimming,
you commie.

(Sponson) Push him! Push him!

(Schwab) | don't want to!

I've got my watch on here.

(Schwab) No! Aah!

SS Schwab!

(Sponson) Anywhere we can take you?

- (OC) I got a place I wanna drop by.
- Let's go.

- Which way?
- Take a left at the Shell station.

(romantic music)

(Stiggs) Careful. Take it easy.

- (OC) I love you, Stiggs.
- (Stiggs) I love you, too. Careful.

Whatever happened to throwing
a pebble at the window?

- Are your parents home?
- No.

-Can I come In?
- Come on In.

(woman) Well, do you have
any friends in Arkansas, OC?

(OC) | wouldn't exactly
call them friends.

| am familiar with some
of the animals there.

(woman) That's nice.

(Stiggs) Do you ever listen
to what people say?

We decided to have this dinner for OC
as a nice way for you to say goodbye.

Why don't you
brighten up a little, Mark?

Make it a pleasant evening.
We all have to learn to accept changes.

Yeah, like OC going to live
with some goon

who puts transmission fluid
in his fridge.

Arkansas might be OK.

- | don't want him to go.
- Me neither.

Aren't you eating your jello, OC?

- Watch out for the pricks.
- (sings)

- Mark!
- | didn't mean in the jello.

- | meant in Arkansas.
- Oh!

Are there cactuses in Arkansas?
| didn't know that.

Did you know that, dear?

Arkansas is one of the United States.

All America is the same.

May | be excused?

- (father) Yes, but just this once.
- Good.

OC and | are going to take a ride
in the Gila monster.

Try to get arrested.

Be sure to be good, dear.

Ouch! God damn it, Stella.

(indistinct police radio communication)

(Colletti) Hi, guys.

(officer) They weren't hard to find.

Thank you, Bill.
Thank the chief, too.

- Yes, sir.
- Have a good night.

What are you, a cop or something?

- | have some friends.
- (Stiggs) So why have us arrested?

| couldn't find you. | cut you in
for seven and a half per cent.

- Afrodizziacs.
- Afro-what?

| renamed the African dresses.
They took off like a rocket.

Here is an advance against royalties.

- 42,000 dollars.
- | know.

- 42,000 dollars!
- | know.

- You said that.
- | know.

- All right?
- Yes. It's very bright out here.

Right this way, sir. Let me get this.

Here he is! That's my buddy.

(Gramps chuckling)

I'd like you to meet somebody, Gramps.
This is your nurse.

Hello, how are you?

- She'll take care of ya.
- Oh, yes. (chuckling)

If you're gonna be hanging around
the house, | need to know two things.

What are those?

- Can you make huevos rancheros?
- | can manage that.

Good. Now, what's your story
on menopause, eh?

| always pause for men, Harry.

JKOPA S

(radio) KOPA 100's advance weather's
got us in a three-day heat-streak,

with all intentions of breaking
the 118-mark wide open today.

Just stay inside, forget
the electric bill, turn up the air!

Tomorrow a reprieve at 115.
Low tonight 77.

Right now 1186 in the valley
of the sun at KOPA 100.

(African music)
& OC and Stiggs &