Nunsense Jamboree (1998) - full transcript

- [Announcer] From the
Grand Ole Opry House

in Nashville, Tennessee,

Vicki Lawrence stars in
"Nunsense 3: The Jamboree".

(upbeat old fashioned country music)

(audience clapping)
(church bell tolling)

♪ Hello friends and neighbors ♪

♪ Here's a heartfelt howdy-doo ♪

♪ For each and every one of you ♪

♪ Attendin' this revue ♪

♪ We're mighty glad that you took time ♪

♪ To join our family ♪



♪ At Sister Amnesia's Country Western ♪

♪ Nunsense ♪

♪ Jamboree ♪

- Yo, everybody, how you doin', huh?

- [Father Virgil] Howdy y'all!

- Hello?
- [Father Virgil] How are ya?

(audience applauding)
- Oh, good, everybody!

Welcome to the Jamboree.

For those of you who don't know me,

my name is Sister Robert Anne.

I teach Phys. Ed.,

and I am also the Convent driver.

At our Mount Saint Helen's
School in Hoboken, New Jersey.

- Hey, how 'bout a nice round of applause?



C'mon, everybody,
(audience applauding)

for Sister Robert Anne.
(audience applauding)

- All right!

Thank you, thank you.

Now, I'd like to introduce to you

a brand new member of our troupe,

from the Franciscan Friars of Fort Wayne,

better known as Father Hollywood

to fans of his nationally syndicated

country radio show,

please welcome Father Virgil Manly Trott.

(audience applauding)
Let's give it up for him, huh?

- Hey, you know what?

Thank you very much, you know what?

This is our first ever
cross country concert tour.

(audience laughing)

We just can't wait to get started!

- [Sister Robert Anne] Amen!

♪ Now we ain't pretendin' we're profound ♪

♪ Or fancy or high tone ♪

♪ If Stephen Sondheim's uptown perfume ♪

♪ We're down home cologne ♪

♪ We hope when this is over ♪

♪ Y'all'll leave here feelin' swell ♪

♪ If you don't think we're Heaven ♪

♪ You can always go to ♪

♪ Hello friends and neighbors ♪

♪ We're so happy that you're here ♪

♪ But we don't have a helicopter ♪

♪ Or a chandelier ♪

♪ What you see is what you get ♪

♪ It's truly potpourri ♪

♪ At Sister Amnesia's Country Western ♪

♪ Nunsense ♪

♪ Jamboree ♪

- All right!

Hey, let's give it up for
our novice and good buddy,

Sister Mary Leo!

(audience applauding)

And now please,

a warm welcome for the
superintendent of nursing

for the Diocese of Newark,

our tour coordinator,

Sister Mary Wilhelm!

(audience applauding)

♪ Y'all sit back get comfortable ♪

♪ And ready for some fun ♪

♪ It's time to introduce to you ♪

♪ A very special nun ♪

♪ Very special very special very special ♪

♪ Nun ♪

♪ One very special nun ♪

- Ladies and gentlemen,

many of you may have heard of the nun

who had a crucifix fall on her head

and could not remember who she was.

Well, known to us as Sister Mary Amnesia,

when she regained her memory,

she discovered her name
was Sister Mary Paul,

and that she had a lifelong dream

to be a country singer.

Well, tonight on this stage,

her dream is gonna come true.

Please, put your hands together,

for the country nun who is number one,

Sister Mary Paul!

(audience cheering)
(nuns jabbering)

(nuns and Father Virgil clamoring)

- Mary Paul, Mary Paul,
we need to sing the song.

Excuse me, Mary Paul, that's
very nice of you honey,

but we gotta finish the song.

- [Sister Wilhelm] Sister Amnesia!

Darlin', can you get up the stairs?

Sister.

- [Father Virgil] C'mon, Mary Paul,

we're in the middle of a number, here.

- [Sister Wilhelm] Sister
Amnesia, you're on!

- Oh, yes, I am.

♪ Hello friends and neighbors ♪

♪ What a thrill this is for me ♪

♪ Of starrin' in my very own ♪

♪ Country Jamboree ♪

♪ Buckle up your seat belts ♪

♪ 'Cause we're goin' on a trip ♪

♪ At times it may get bumpy ♪

♪ So you better get a grip ♪

♪ Lock the doors and windows ♪

♪ Hey Robert blow the horn ♪
(Sister Robert Anne honking)

♪ We hope you brought some butter ♪

♪ 'Cause we all brought the corn ♪

♪ We'll do our best to make you happy ♪

♪ That's a guarantee ♪

♪ At Sister Amnesia's Country Western ♪

♪ Sister Amnesia's Country Western ♪

♪ Sister Amnesia's Country Western ♪

♪ Nun ♪

♪ Sense ♪

♪ Jam ♪

♪ Bor ♪

♪ Ree ♪

♪ Sister Amnesia's Country
Western Nunsense Jamboree ♪

That's me.

(audience applauding)

(nuns squealing in delight)

- Oh, thank you so much, we
are so excited to be here.

As Father Virgil told you,

this is the first stop on our
promotional cross country tour

of Sister's new album "I
Could Have Gone to Nashville".

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

- Thank you.

Actually, I did go to Nashville.

So, maybe we shoulda called
it "I Did Go to Nashville"

instead of "I Could Have" because,

like, that's a lot different
than "I Could Have", you know.

But anyway, I'm back now.

Well, I'm not really back.

If I were back, I would
be at home in Hoboken,

but I'm here with y'all in Nashville.

(audience laughing)
So in a way I am back,

I'm, I'm...

What were we talkin' about?

(audience laughing)

- Sister, remember what we practiced?

- Don't tell me.

Okay.

Reverend Mother didn't
want me to waste my talent,

so she bribed a record producer
here in Nashville to...

(audience laughing)

She convinced a record
producer here in Nashville

to do an album with me,

and then she hired this fella
to help me get my country

accent back because I had
forgotten that I had one

when I had the amnesia,

and now, here we are on
this high falootin' tour,

and here we are at the Grand Ole Opry.

We're at the Grand Ole Opry--

Look, look!
(audience laughing)

- I'm so sorry to say that
Reverend Mother couldn't be here.

- Yeah, it just broke my heart.

(Sister Robert Anne cackling)
(audience laughing)

- That'll do, Robert Anne!

- (clears throat) Okay.
(slams barn door)

(audience laughing)

- And that's the main reason
Reverend Mother asked me

to take charge of the tour.

- There was somethin' else
I was supposed to remember

to tell them.
- [Sister Wilhelm] What?

- Sister Mary Leo, Leo, where are you?

- I'm right here!

- When Sister Leo was a real person...

Well, you know.
(audience laughing)

Before she became a nun and all.

Her name was Ronetha
Jolene Trott (laughs).

(audience laughing)

And Father Virgil, where are you?

- [Father Virgil] I'm in here!

- Well, come on out.

Father Virgil is Sister Mary
Leo's real life brother.

- And they grew up as part
of Mississippi's famous

Trott Family Singers.

(audience laughing)

- That's right!

- Hold on here.

I thought Leo was a ballerina
from Elgen, Illinois.

- No, no, no, we didn't move to Elgen

'til Ronnie Joe was 16.

- But I can tell you,

when you're from the Delta,
you just can't hide your roots.

(audience laughing)

- That's true.

When she first came to the Convent,

we thought she was a redhead.

(Sister Robert Anne laughing)
(audience laughing)

(exclaiming)
(barn window slamming)

(audience laughing)

- None of this really matters.

(audience laughing)
What's really important,

is that on this very stage
tonight, ladies and gentlemen,

we've got the Trotts.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

Are y'all gonna sing somethin'
from "The Sound of Music"?

- (scoffs) Amnesia, those were the Trapps.

We're the Trotts.

- I knew that.

(audience laughing)

I guess this means we won't
get to meet Julie Andrews.

(audience laughing)

- Ladies and gentlemen,
before we go any further,

we have to take a moment to thank

three very special sponsors

who have made our Jamboree possible.

(piano riffing)

"When you're looking for accommodations,

"your first choice
should be the Manger Inn.

"Yes, the Manger Inn,
where there is always room

"for one more."

(audience laughing)

- "At the Manger Inn when you hit the hay,

"you hit the hay."

(audience laughing)

And speaking of hay, I wonder,

how many of you know that,
"Every animal's favorite food

"is Franciscan Fodder?"

- "Their chow is good for
everything from parakeets

"to pandas, and it's
always fit for a pig."

(audience laughing)

That's cute, "fit for a pig". (laughs)

- Hey!

You probably all came
here by car or bus, right?

Well the next time you choose an airline,

consider "Ascension Air!

"The airline that
guarantees to get you off.

(audience laughing)

"The ground."

Oh, "get you off the
ground every Thursday."

(audience laughing)

- And remember,

"Catholics get a plenty re-indulgence

"every time you fly.

(audience laughing)

"Lutherans get a donut."

(audience laughing)

- And now we are very pleased
to present Sister Mary Paul

singing the title song
from her debut album,

"I Could Have Gone to Nashville".

(audience applauding)
(laid back country music)

♪ Sometimes in the mornin' ♪

♪ Before the first bell rings ♪

♪ I lie in bed awake ♪

♪ Just wonderin' all kinds of things ♪

♪ Like how I got so lucky ♪

♪ To be doin' what I do ♪

♪ Then I wonder what I might be doin' ♪

♪ If I weren't here with you ♪

♪ My dream to be a country singer ♪

♪ Really has come true ♪

♪ A deluxe Winnebago ♪

♪ Has brought me here to you ♪

♪ I have rhinestone studded cowboy boots ♪

♪ And liner on my eyes ♪

♪ The sequins on my opera cape ♪

♪ Are from service merchandise ♪

(audience laughing)

♪ I got me some back up singers ♪

♪ And a real live country band ♪

♪ I come down to Nashville ♪

♪ To record at Opry Land ♪

♪ I sing songs of inspiration ♪

♪ I sing songs in times of strife ♪

♪ Songs like ♪

♪ Dropkick me Jesus ♪

♪ Through the goal post of life ♪

- Oh, it was so excitin'.

The announcer said, "This
little lady's come all the way

"down to Nashville to record
her very first album."

And then he said, "I want you
to put your hands together

"for Sister Mary Paul."

♪ And when they turned up that spotlight ♪

♪ All that glittered there was me ♪

♪ The people all were sayin' ♪

♪ She's another Brenda Lee ♪

♪ I coulda gone to Nashville ♪

♪ Not the Convent Hall ♪

♪ But somethin' deep inside of me ♪

♪ Said Sister Mary Paul ♪

♪ You can have it all ♪

♪ Oh I coulda gone to Nashville ♪

♪ And become Loretta Lynn ♪

♪ But somethin' much more powerful ♪

♪ Still calls me from within ♪

♪ Oh I coulda gone to Nashville ♪

♪ But I am here to stay ♪

♪ And each day I say a thank you prayer ♪

♪ That it all turned out ♪

♪ This ♪

♪ Way ♪

Thank you, Lord.

(audience applauding)

Oh, thank you so much.

Thank you.

- Hey, Amnesia!

Boy, that was just great.

- Oh, thank you so much.

- Hey, I gotta question for ya.

- Shoot!

- Do you know what the best
method of birth control is?

- No.

- That's it! (laughs)

(audience laughing)
(Sister Amnesia laughing)

- Hey, I got one.

Robert Anne, where are you?

- [Sister Robert Anne] Yo, sister, here.

- I got one.

How can you tell if a nun is a blonde?

- Oo, I give up.

How can you tell if a nun is a blonde?

- Like, oh, my God, I don't know.

(audience laughing)
(Sister Robert Anne giggling)

(coop window slamming)

- Hey, Mary Paul.
- [Sister Amnesia] Yeah?

- What do you call nuns
at the Sistine Chapel?

- I give up, what?

- Ceiling fans!

(audience laughing)
(nuns laughing)

(windows slamming)

- (laughing) I don't get it.

(audience laughing)

But speakin' of fans,

I have some little tokens of appreciation

that I thought I would like
to come down in the audience

and maybe hand 'em out,

and talk to a few of you,

you're just such a great lookin' audience.

What is your name, sir?

- [Mark] Mark Lowry.

- Mark, and are you from Nashville?

- [Mark] I live right here.

- Okay, and you're not Catholic, are you?

- No, I'mma Baptist.

(audience laughing)

Baptist.

- There's a lot of them down here.

(audience laughing)

I knew you weren't a Catholic,
because if you were Catholic,

you would know that we always stand up

when Sister calls on us.

(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)

I have somethin' very,
very special for you.

Mark?

- Yes, Mark.
- Yeah, it says

it right there.

Yeah.

Look, it's a little stick-on-saint.

- Oh, nice.
(audience laughing)

- Do you, do you Baptists
know who that is?

- Not that particular one.

(audience laughing)
- Oh, honey.

- Looks Catholic to me.
- It is...

(audience laughing)

It is Saint Joseph.

And Saint Joseph was the
foster father of our Lord,

and he is the Patron Saint of carpenters.

- Yes.
- Yeah, now,

(audience laughing)

you know what's really great about this?

You can just pull this
off, just peel it off,

and stick it on your power
tool and stand back, Mark.

(Sister Amnesia laughing)
(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)
Yeah, go on have a,

have a seat there.

Thank you, Mark.

Innit he cute?

He's cute for a Baptist.

(audience laughing)

Linda Davis?

Oh, my Lord, y'all,

ladies and gentlemen, it's
Lin, it's Linda Davis!

(audience cheering)
My Lord.

I know.

I know you're a big star and all,

but you still have to stand
up when Sister addresses you.

(audience laughing)

Oh, my Heavens, this is so wonderful.

I just loved your duet you did with Reba.

Yeah, and I mean, meetin'
you is just kinda like,

it's kinda like your hit record,

"Some Things Are Meant to Be."

This is so excitin', y'all.

I have somethin' very
special for you, Linda,

you're about to become the
proud owner of a bonafide relic.

Ladies and gentlemen,

this is an actual tooth from the head

of Saint John the Baptist.

(audience laughing)

Now, I know some of you
might be thinkin' that

that's in poor taste,

but I do want to assure you

that we had it dipped in Scope,

so it's minty fresh.
(audience laughing)

We've also had it
authenticated by DNA experts

in Los Angeles, California,

(audience laughing)
so we know

it's the real thing.

Now there's, there is a little
warnin' on the box, Linda,

it says, "If you open this box,

"the precious tooth will turn

"into a worthless piece of popcorn."

I don't know, you feelin' lucky?

- I feel lucky.
- Should we give it a peek?

- Let's look.

- Oh, shoot.
- What?

(audience laughing)

- Oh, darn, it's a little kernel.

Oh, well maybe you could
pop it in the microwave

and have a little snack.
(audience laughing)

I'm so sorry.

- Well, maybe some things
aren't meant to be.

- Oh, you're so cute, innit that cute?

"Some things aren't meant to be."

You are cute.
(audience applauding)

(exclaiming) Give her
up some applause, yes.

(audience cheering)

Oh, my Heavens.

Bless you.
(audience applauding)

She's so beautiful.

I'm goin' over here, 'cause
this guy's not lookin' at me,

and he thinks I won't come.

(audience laughing)

(laughing) What's your name?

- Paul.

- You're not Catholic either, are you?

- I'm Catholic.

- On your feet, yeah.
(audience laughing)

For Heaven's sakes.

A while since you got
outta school, maybe, huh?

- Yes.
(audience laughing)

- Well, we can forget
some of these things.

I have a really special
thing for you, sweetie.

Look at this, y'all.

This is the actual rosary that was left

by the Blessed Virgin
Mary after her appearance

at Chernobyl.
(audience laughing)

What'd you say your name was again?

- Paul Henley.
- Paul,

this glows in the dark, Paul.
- Sister Amnesia!

(Sister Amnesia laughing)
(audience laughing)

- You hold onto that, Paul.

You're gonna glow in the dark, too!

(audience laughing)
- Sister, Sister,

it's time to move on.

- I'm havin' a good time with Paul, here.

- I know you are, that's good.

C'mon up.
- You're so cute.

Sit down, sweetie.

I've so many people to meet.

- Well invite them--
- Did you see Linda Davis

over there, huh?

- Yes!
- Yeah, Linda Davis is here,

I'm so excited.
- Invite them over for lunch,

and you can meet them later.

- Oh, lunch is a good idea.

We'll do lunch.

(audience laughing)

Hey, you know what?

We'll have to all bring a dish to pass

'cause there's a whole lot of ya.

(audience laughing)
- Yeah, that's right.

- Hey, you know what?

You know what I love?

That green bean casserole, you know,

with the crispy onions on top,

don't you love that?

(audience laughing)

Hey, you boys probably remember this one.

♪ Beans, beans, the musical fruit ♪

♪ The more you eat-- ♪
- I think it's time

for a word from our sponsor!

(lively country music)

♪ We are here to testify ♪

♪ Ascension Air's the one we fly ♪

♪ Every Thursday rising high ♪

♪ Ascension Air takes to the sky ♪

♪ If you're seated in the back ♪

♪ You get a statue and a snack ♪

♪ But if you choose to fly first class ♪

♪ You get dinner and High Mass ♪

♪ Come on join the chosen few ♪

♪ Ascension is the one for you ♪

♪ The airline with the Catholic point of ♪

♪ Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost ♪

♪ We'll give you wings
like the Heavenly Host ♪

♪ The airline with the
Catholic point of view ♪

(airplane whooshing)

(audience applauding)

- And now I'd like to
present Mississippi's

Daughter of the Delta,

my own sister, Sister Mary Leo.

(audience cheering)
(quaint carnival music)

♪ When I joined this crowd ♪

♪ I had to understand ♪

♪ Lipstick's not allowed ♪

♪ And tutus are banned ♪

♪ I had to be creative ♪

♪ Pardon the pun ♪

♪ But our name spells it out ♪

♪ N-U-N nun ♪

(funky music)

♪ I'm a technicolor woman ♪

♪ Appearing in black and white ♪

♪ And size six sensible shoes ♪

♪ I'm a technicolor woman ♪

♪ With technicolor dreams ♪

♪ But I won't sing the
black and white blues ♪

♪ 'Cause I refuse ♪

♪ To let the blues ♪

♪ Keep me down for the count ♪

♪ Not after the amount ♪

♪ Of time that I've spent payin' dues ♪

♪ This spring summer fall and winter ♪

♪ Black and white fashion ♪

♪ Hides a ballerina ♪

♪ With a Balanchine passion ♪

♪ But 'til Reverend Mother ♪

♪ Gives me reason to hope ♪

♪ I'm workin' on alternatives ♪

♪ Like coping with rope ♪

(fast fiddle music)

(audience cheering)

- Just learned how to do this yesterday.

Tomorrow I learn how to walk with it.

(audience laughing)

(funky music)

♪ Though I'll admit ♪

♪ I never have bad hair days ♪

♪ I never wake up ♪

♪ To what should I wear days ♪

♪ This habit doesn't cut it ♪

♪ When it comes to ballet ♪

♪ Just put me in a tutu ♪

♪ I'll expose my jetee ♪

♪ I'm a technicolor woman ♪

♪ Appearing in black and white ♪

♪ And size six sensible shoes ♪

♪ I'm a technicolor woman ♪

♪ With technicolor dreams ♪

♪ But I won't sing the
black and white blues ♪

♪ Instead I choose ♪

♪ To pray for news ♪

♪ That Rev'll come through ♪

♪ With a technicolor tutu ♪

♪ To chase away ♪

♪ The black and white ♪

♪ Blues ♪

(audience cheering)

- Sister Mary Leo, your talents
never cease to amaze me.

Ballet at the benefit,

roller skating in the thank you program,

and now this.

Hey, (laughs) have you heard
the joke about the rope?

- No, tell me.

- Skip it.

(audience laughing)

Oh, bless you, those of you who laughed.

(audience laughing)

I don't know how many
of you know it out here,

but Sister Amnesia's album is not

the only cause for excitement around here.

Next week,

Sister Leo gets her
black veil and her ring.

- (whimpers) It's true,

but I have to tell you,

I am so nervous.

I mean, this is it, innit?

Do it or get off the pot, right?

(audience laughing)

- Well, I don't think I'd
put it quite like that.

(audience laughing)

Yes, it's time to make a choice.

- In my heart I know I wanna be here,

it's just that it's like forever.

- Oh, Sister, nothing is forever.

I mean, look at what happened
to Woolworth's (laughs).

(audience laughing)

I always say if you live in the moment,

and trust your heart,

the good Lord will help you with the rest.

Lemme tell you a little story.

When I was in high school,

in Phoenix, Arizona,

my sister and I won a
contest to go to Hollywood

and appear with Frankie
Avalon in one of those

beach blanket movies (laughs).

- In a bikini?

(cackling) No way.
(audience laughing)

- I think I'm being insulted.

(audience laughing)
- Oh, no, I'm sorry,

I didn't mean it like that,

it just seemed so weird
to think of a beach babe

becoming a nun.

- Well, what's so weird about that?

Dolores Hart became a nun.

- I can't believe it.
- Well, she did.

- Oh, no, not that,

that you were once a babe
in a beach blanket movie.

(audience laughing)

- I'll have you know I had 12 lines.

Frankie Avalon and I, like this.

- Hot damn (slapping leg).

(audience laughing)

Diggity, diggity, I mean diggity.

- You were right the first time (laughs).

Oh, anyway, that's not why
I'm tellin' you this story.

The point I'm trying to
make is that my sister

fell madly in love with
this guy in the movie.

He said he loved her too,

but he must've had some bad experiences,

because he was afraid to trust his heart.

(gentle piano music)
He probably felt

just like you.

Anyway, I remember the day
my sister decided to go back

to California to convince him.

♪ It was 7:00 a.m. in Phoenix ♪

♪ When her plane took off for L.A. ♪

♪ She was California dreamin' ♪

♪ 'Cause this was to be the day ♪

♪ That they met again ♪

♪ For the very first time ♪

♪ Since she first went away ♪

♪ It was California calling her ♪

♪ Flight 35 to L.A. ♪

♪ He was standin' at the gate ♪

♪ Just like he said he'd be ♪

♪ She knew that everything was fine ♪

♪ The moment he smiled and she ♪

♪ Told him let's not talk
of chains and rings ♪

♪ And things designed to bind ♪

♪ I know how these frighten you ♪

♪ They could make you change your mind ♪

♪ Just think about your feelings ♪

♪ You know they can't be wrong ♪

♪ Please don't stop the music now ♪

♪ We're just beginning our song ♪

♪ The plane was on the ground ♪

♪ But she was in midair ♪

♪ Flying high on life because ♪

♪ She realized he cared ♪

♪ The days and nights
were filled with joy ♪

♪ The two of them were one ♪

♪ And loving feelings blossomed there ♪

♪ In the California sun ♪

♪ So I tell you have no fear ♪

♪ For I know that you're strong enough ♪

♪ To share your gift for loving life ♪

♪ The meaning of this song's enough ♪

♪ Of thinking thoughts ♪

♪ Of chains and rings ♪

♪ And things designed to bind ♪

♪ I know how these frighten you ♪

♪ They can make you change your mind ♪

♪ Just think about the feelings ♪

♪ You know they can't be wrong ♪

♪ Then you won't stop the music now ♪

♪ You're just beginning your song ♪

♪ Let's not talk of chains and rings ♪

♪ And things designed to bind ♪

♪ I know how these frighten you ♪

♪ They could make you change your mind ♪

♪ I'll think about my feelings ♪

♪ I know they can't be wrong ♪

♪ I won't stop the music now ♪

♪ You're just beginning ♪

♪ I'm just beginning ♪

♪ Just beginning ♪

♪ The song ♪

(audience applauding)

- Hey.

Whatever happened to
your sister and that guy?

- I've got 13 nieces and nephews
and another one on the way.

(audience laughing)

- Yee-haw!

(audience laughing)

- Oh, Robert, Robert
get off of that thing.

- Hey, it's fun, you oughta try it.

Here.
- Oh, Robert,

I'm gonna smack you in a minute.

- (gasps) You heard it, folks.

Habit abuse.

(audience laughing)

You oughta be nice to me, I'm hurt.

- Whaddya mean you're hurt?

♪ Well I came from Alabama ♪

♪ With a bandage on my knee ♪

Oh, good grief,
(audience laughing)

will you stop?
- Hey, hey, hey,

look at this, look at this.

I've been workin'

on this song.
- You know, Robert Anne,

you should record that line.

Every time Reverend Mother
lets you out on stage,

it's, "I've been workin'

"on this song."
- Oh, but this--

- Robert, when Revered Mother
assigned me to this tour,

she gave me three instructions.

Number one,

use my skills as a nurse to make sure

everyone stays healthy.

Number two, add my voice
to the festivities.

Number three,

make sure Robert Anne
understands that the only reason

she was allowed on this tour is

because she knows how to drive a bus.

(audience laughing)

- She was just pullin' yo' leg.

Y'know, you oughta watch that.

You could develop a limp.
- Robert.

(audience laughing)

- Oh, come on, come on, here.

- What?
- Just look at the title.

'Kay?
(Sister Wilhelm sighing)

"Play a Country Enut."

- "A Country Enut"?

I know I'm gonna regret this,

but what, pray tell, is "A Country Enut"?

- It's a country tune
played backwards (laughs).

(audience laughing)

Here, hold Trigger for me, eh?

(gentle country western music)

♪ Sittin' alone ♪

♪ In the laundromat ♪

♪ Watching the washer spin ♪

♪ I reversed the tape ♪

♪ In my recording machine ♪

♪ And that's when I started to grin ♪

♪ I couldn't believe my ears at first ♪

♪ But I caught on real soon ♪

♪ I was hearing a country enut ♪

(audience laughing)

♪ That's the backwards
spelling of "tune" ♪

♪ Now ♪

♪ The past is present ♪

♪ In an enut ♪

♪ Though I know it sounds absurd ♪

♪ But sittin' alone ♪

♪ In the laundromat ♪

♪ This is what I heard ♪

(upbeat country western music)

♪ Six weeks ago my dog came back ♪

♪ In the back of my stolen car ♪

♪ My daddy's out of prison ♪

♪ And I quit goin' out to the bar ♪

♪ My D-I-V-O-R-C-E ♪

♪ Is E-C-R-O-V-I-D ♪

♪ That two-timin' guy is back with me ♪

♪ Happy as can be ♪

♪ That rubber check I wrote to you ♪

♪ Bounced back to me today ♪

♪ The lady from the bank stopped by ♪

♪ To say I'm a-okay ♪

♪ The hair's grown back ♪

♪ On my old bald head ♪

♪ S'anyone have a comb ♪

♪ The Dodgers are in Brooklyn ♪

♪ And Jimmy Hoffa's home ♪

♪ Roy is ridin' Trigger ♪

♪ Johnny Carson's on TV ♪

♪ The telephone's a dime ♪

♪ And I look like Sandra Dee ♪

♪ Elvis lives in Memphis ♪

♪ Liz Taylor's not obese ♪

♪ Rowena's in the kitchen ♪

♪ John Wayne Bobbitt's in one piece ♪

(audience laughing)

I love that one, isn't that...

(clears throat)

(audience laughing)

♪ So ♪

♪ If you're in the laundromat ♪

♪ Havin' a real bad day ♪

♪ Just play yourself an enut ♪

♪ And wash away the gray ♪

♪ That one way street to nowhere ♪

♪ Will be goin' other ways ♪

♪ For when you play an enut ♪

♪ Yeah, when you play an enut ♪

♪ You bring back ♪

♪ The good old ♪

♪ Days ♪

Y'all go on back now, y'hear?

(audience applauding)

Oh, thank you.
- You're in cahoots.

- Thank you (giggles).

(telephone ringing)

- What's that?

- What's what?

- That.
- Must be my heart strings.

- Robert.

- Look, I told you,

five on Hillfire in the 5th,

and don't call me at work (laughs).

(audience laughing)

What?

Oh, well who is this?

(gasps) Oh, it's you!

(laughs) Yeah, I knew
it all along, uh-huh.

Yeah.

Yes, she's right here, uh-huh.

Just a moment,

she's right here.
- Who is it?

- It's Reverend Mother
calling from the Convent,

she'd like to--
- Go get Father Virgil

for the next number.

Howdy, partner?

Oh, that's country talk, Reverend Mother.

What?

Oh, yes, we're doing fine.

Just a moment,

lemme put you on the speakers
so you can say hello.

- Hello, friends.

- Say "Hello" to Reverend Mother.

(audience replies)

- Just listen to that crowd!

Reminds me of the time
we were in Central Park.

- Oh, yes, when we
attended the Pope's Mass.

- No, I'm talking about
the Garth Brooks concert.

(audience laughing)

Listen, is Sister Amnesia there?

- Oh, no, she's backstage,

but she's doing great.

- Well, at least you don't
have to worry about her

pulling out that foul
mouthed puppet of hers.

'Cause I've got it hidden
right here in my drawer

just behind...

Oh, my gosh.

Oh, what is this?

(toy squeaking)

Oh, no!

Listen, I'm gonna have
to call you right back.

Hubert!

Hubert, get in here.

(sighs)

- Oh, I do hope everything's all right.

Ladies and gentlemen, a word
from Father Virgil Trott.

(audience laughing)

- All righty.

I have been waiting for this moment.

Because I have a really big--
- Surprise!

(audience laughing)

- Who are you?

- Who am I?

Who are you?

I am Sister Mary Annette,

star of stage, screen,

and cable access.

- What are you doin' here?

You're supposed to be in
Reverend Mother's drawers.

(audience laughing)

- Yeah, well I couldn't
take the cramped quarters.

(Sister Mary Annette giggling)
(audience laughing)

Now, look, I'm here to help.

Amnesia thinks she can
carry this show by herself,

but face it, the broad's a wacko.

- Sister, I wouldn't go that far.

- Oh, really?

How far would you go?

(Sister Mary Annette giggling)
(audience laughing)

Don't answer that.

Look, I'll admit Amnesia's
been a pain in my rear.

If you catch my innuendo.

(Sister Mary Annette giggling)
(audience laughing)

But I think we should help her.

- Maybe, but first I--
- Hey, hey, hey!

How would you like to sing
a duet with a huge star?

- Dolly Parton?

- Not that kinda huge.

(audience laughing)

Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome a close,

personal friend of mine
from the hit TV series,

"Mama's Family",

Mrs. Thelma Harper!

(audience cheering)

- Thank you.

Thank y'all.

Well aren't you nice?

Thank you.

How you doin'?

Oh, stop it.

Stop it.

Oh.

Stop it, now.

Get a grip.

C'mon, sit on it.

(audience laughing)

- Mama?

- Father.

- Mama?

- Sister.

- Mama?

- Brother.

(audience laughing)

Why does everybody call me that?

I'm not your mama!

Y'know what I think I'm gon' do?

Listen up, y'all are gonna
get a kick outta this.

(audience laughing)

I know you will, 'cause
you're a fun group.

(audience laughing)

I'm thinkin' about openin' a little chain

of Mexican restaurants.

I'm gon' call 'em "Nacho Mama".

(audience laughing)

I'm serious, I've been
thinkin' about this.

You could have "Nacho Mama's Meatloaf",

"Nacho Mama's Apple Pie",

you could have "Nacho Mama's Cuppa Tea".

(audience laughing)

I'll put a little sign on the
bottom of the menu that says,

"Lost or stolen articles are
Nacho Mama's responsibility."

(audience laughing)

Huh?

- Mrs. Harper, we need to move this along.

- Well, I'm havin' a good
time with these people.

I came out here to lighten things up,

and I think they're enjoyin' it.

(audience cheering)

What a wonderful group you are.

- That's real nice, Mrs. Harper,

but this is "Nacho Show" (laughs).

(audience laughing)

- Well, excuse the hell outta me.

- Mrs. Harper!
(audience laughing)

- Hang on, I'll get the music.

Good God, I can't see a damn thing.

(audience laughing)

- Well, I guess not.

It's darker in there than
the night the lights went out

in Georgia.

(audience cheering)
Hold your applause,

hold your applause.

- Oh, here, I found it (mumbling).

Pass these around.

- I haven't even seen these yet!

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, well,

life's full of surprises, ain't it?

Let 'er rip!

(upbeat country western music)
- You'll be fine.

This is really easy.

You just sing where it says "Boy".

(audience laughing)

♪ Ida Lee met Jim Bob Jones ♪

♪ At a dance hall Saturday night ♪

♪ They were doin' the hoochie coochie ♪

♪ It was true love at first sight ♪

♪ Jim Bob said to Ida Lee ♪

♪ Would ya come back home with me ♪

♪ We can do the... ♪

♪ On the living room set-- ♪

- My goodness, Mrs. Harper.
- Innit that cute?

♪ She said Jim Bob o' course I will ♪

♪ If you promise to marry me ♪

♪ So he took her home to Bangor ♪

- Mrs. Harper!

(audience laughing)

- Bangor,

is a town in Maine.

(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)

Gutter brain.

♪ I see ♪

♪ Well that Jim Bob would come and go ♪

♪ But he wouldn't settle down ♪

♪ In Ida's words ♪

♪ You lied to me ♪

♪ There ain't no weddin' gown ♪

♪ That's when she pulled out the plug ♪

♪ And it all went down the drain ♪

♪ The only light at
the end of the tunnel ♪

♪ Was on the front of a train ♪

- It's kinda good!
- Boy, this is good stuff.

I wrote this myself.

- No!
- Yes!

♪ Well things just went
from bad to worse ♪

♪ She lost her house and job ♪

♪ She said ♪

♪ I'd rather be alone ♪

♪ Than with that son-of-a-Bob ♪

♪ A Sister of Mercy said to her ♪

♪ Our Convent's right nearby ♪

♪ The food ain't great ♪

♪ But the room is free ♪

♪ She said ♪

♪ I'll give it a try ♪

♪ Well the Bishop came and he declared ♪

♪ You've had your chance to browse ♪

♪ Now if you plan to hang around ♪

♪ You'll have to take three vows ♪

♪ She said ♪

♪ I can deal with poverty ♪

♪ And chastity's okay ♪

♪ But when the Bishop said ♪

♪ Get on your knees ♪

♪ She said ♪

♪ No way Jose ♪

(audience laughing)

They love it.

Yeah, I wrote it.

- That does it!

(window slamming)

- Well, what the hell is her problem?

(audience laughing)

- Head for the hills!

(audience laughing)

- Just dummy up, I'll handle this.

Well.

If it ain't the beach blanket bimbo.

(audience cheering)

- Out.

- Well, fine, but I want you to know,

you're makin' and awfully big mistake,

because we're talkin' marquee value here.

(audience cheering)

- I said out.

- Y'know, she's just got
her panties in a wad,

because I was stealin' the show.

(audience laughing)

(audience cheering)

(both exclaiming)

- How did that old lady get out here?

And who brought that puppet out here?

- Don't look at me, my hands are clean.

- Spic'n'span.

(audience laughing)

- Well, that only leaves Robert Anne.

I don't know how she did it.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I apologize for this.

Robert, I wanna speak to you.

- Well, I liked that old lady.

I thought she was funny.

(audience laughing)
(audience cheering)

And you know what?

I coulda told them about
that Sister Mary Annette.

You gotta watch out for her.

She will creep up on you like
a pair of cheap underwear.

Y'know?
(audience laughing)

I bet you been there, huh, Mark?

(audience laughing)

Anyway, I just wanted to come out here,

and tell you all what
a thrill it is for me

to get to sing in front of
all of you wonderful people.

Gettin' paid a fortune
for havin' a good time.

Not havin' to go to some borin'
ol' job everyday like y'all.

(audience laughing)

Well, that came out wrong,

but you know what I mean.

I'm just, I'm havin' such a good time.

I think there's gonna be
a real run on Convents

when I get through.

(audience laughing)

Don't get me wrong,

I don't get to keep the
money or anything like that,

but nobody can take away the fun.

And the reason I bring this up is

because I think that is
the most important thing

in the world to be happy
with what you're doin'.

When I had amnesia, I
was happy all the time,

'cause I could never remember if I wasn't.

(audience laughing)

Amnesia can be a good thing.

You could hide your own Easter eggs.

(Sister Amnesia laughing)
(audience laughing)

Anyway, when I finally
did remember who I was,

Reverend Mother let me go back home

to visit my family,

they're down in Arkansas,

and when I saw my mama, and
my daddy, and my brother,

well, it'd like to have broke my heart.

It seems like all they
do is work all the time,

and they don't seem very happy about it.

My mama sells Mary Kay (laughs).

(audience laughing)

Yeah, she's tryin' to earn
that pink Cadillac (laughs).

(audience laughing)

So far, all she's gots is a
little Nativity set (laughs).

(audience laughing)

It's really cute though, it's
all made out of gingerbread.

Mama doesn't know it yet, but
I ate the little drummer boy.

(Sister Amnesia laughing)
(audience laughing)

Don't laugh, my tummy went
"ra-pa-pum-pum" for a week.

(audience laughing)

Anyway, I think I've
gotten way off track, here.

What I wanted to do was
come out and thank you all

for makin' my life so wonderful.

(lively country western music)

♪ My daddy is a trucker ♪

♪ Mama sells Mary Kay ♪

♪ My brother is an auctioneer ♪

♪ I'm singin' songs ♪

♪ At a Jamboree ♪

♪ While they're home
cryin' in their beer ♪

♪ Now while Daddy's on the road ♪

♪ Mama's goin' door-to-door ♪

♪ And Willie's takin' IOUs ♪

♪ I'm singin' songs at a Jamboree ♪

♪ I never get their work-a-day blues ♪

♪ 'Cause every day of
the week is a Saturday ♪

♪ When you're doin' what you choose ♪

♪ Monday mornin' never comes ♪

♪ When you ain't got
those work-a-day blues ♪

♪ Oh every day of the week is a Saturday ♪

♪ When you're doin' what you choose ♪

♪ Days passin' by don't mean a thing ♪

♪ 'Cause I just sing away the blues ♪

♪ With a piano ♪

♪ Sing away the blues ♪

(nuns shouting gleefully)
Take it away, band!

(exclaiming)

Eat your heart out, Michael Flatley.

(audience laughing)

(exclaiming)

How 'bout a nice round of applause

for the Jamboree Clodhoppers!

(exclaiming)
(audience applauding)

♪ I tell Mama and Daddy and Will ♪

♪ That a weekly paycheck's nice ♪

♪ But if it's got you singin' the blues ♪

♪ Is that paycheck worth the price ♪

♪ People say work makes Jill a dull girl ♪

♪ When she does it night and day ♪

♪ Well that must mean I'm really sharp ♪

♪ 'Cause that why I
can say to all of you ♪

♪ That every day of the
week is a Saturday ♪

♪ When you're doin' what you choose ♪

♪ Days passin' by don't mean a thing ♪

♪ 'Cause I just sing away the blues ♪

♪ With a piano ♪

♪ Sing away the blues ♪

♪ I hear a fiddle ♪

♪ Sing ♪

♪ Away ♪

♪ The blues ♪

(audience applauding)

Thank you so much.

I wanna take just a minute to introduce

some very special friends of ours,

our band.

First of all, on the piano,

he is the musical conductor
at Mount Saint Helen's,

and he's our conductor.

Father Carusone.

(audience applauding)

Next on the electronic keyboard,

direct from a solo engagement

at the Saint Pius Dance Palace,

say hello to Brother Steve.

(audience applauding)

On loan from the Sisters of Saint Joseph,

she is our fabulous fiddler,

and her name is Sister Beth.

(audience applauding)

And, last but not least,

our two renegades

from Saint Cecilia's
Correctional Facility,

on the drums it's Brother Keith,

and on the bass say hello to Brother Gak.

(audience applauding)

♪ And every day of the
week is a Saturday ♪

♪ When you're doin' what you choose ♪

♪ Days passin' by don't mean a thing ♪

♪ 'Cause I just sing away the blues ♪

♪ With a piano ♪

♪ Sing away the blues ♪

♪ Y'all hear that fiddle ♪

♪ Sing ♪

♪ Away ♪

♪ The blues ♪

Yeah!

(audience cheering)
(audience applauding)

- Knock, knock!

- Who's there?

- A little old lady.

- A little old lady who?

- I didn't know you could yodel.

(audience laughing)

- Oh, sure.

(piano riffing)

(Sister Amnesia yodeling)

(cow bell clanging)
(audience applauding)

(Sister Amnesia yodeling)

(slide whistle blowing)

(Sister Amnesia laughing)

(Sister Amnesia yodeling)

(drums banging)

(Sister Amnesia laughing)

(Sister Amnesia yodeling)

(horn honking)

(Sister Amnesia laughing)

(Sister Amnesia yodeling)

(audience clapping rhythmically)

(audience applauding)

That was fun!

- Whoo, that was terrific.

Where did you learn to do that?

- I don't remember.

(audience laughing)

- At least you didn't forget.

- Forget what?

- Amnesia, we're ready.

- Oh.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you the Trotts.

(majestic music)
(audience applauding)

♪ Livin' in the Delta ♪

♪ Ooo ♪

♪ As soon as you can breathe ♪

♪ You learn about a good book ♪

♪ The Good Book ♪

♪ The only one you need ♪

♪ It answers all your questions ♪

♪ It tells you what to do ♪

♪ Don't you all agree with us ♪

♪ It's the book ♪

♪ The Good Book ♪

♪ That's right for you ♪

(upbeat country western music)

♪ Everyone needs TV Guide ♪

♪ All across the countryside ♪

♪ 24 hours seven days ♪

♪ Prime time and matinees ♪

♪ Everyone reads TV Guide ♪

♪ It's the way we all decide ♪

♪ What to watch and what to tape ♪

♪ It's the book we can't escape ♪

♪ Alleluia ♪

♪ Alleluia ♪

♪ Christians have the Bible ♪

♪ Muslims the Quran ♪

♪ Buddhists have the Paths ♪

♪ In temples in Japan ♪

♪ Hindus have the Vedas ♪

♪ The Torah's for the Jews ♪

♪ But there's a book
that's all inclusive ♪

♪ Joining these contrasting views ♪

♪ It's good news ♪

♪ Alleluia ♪

♪ Alleluia ♪

♪ Everyone reads TV Guide ♪

♪ All across the countryside ♪

♪ Television's here to stay ♪

♪ And TV Guide points the way ♪

♪ TV Guide's the guiding light ♪

♪ In living color and black and white ♪

♪ Channel surfers ride the tide ♪

♪ It's the one that's true and tried ♪

♪ Everyone reads ♪

♪ Everyone needs ♪

♪ Alleluia ♪

♪ Alleluia ♪

♪ Everyone reads ♪

♪ TV ♪

♪ Guide ♪

(audience applauding)

- Oh, thank you, thank you, that's great.

- Hey, hey, look at this, look at this.

Amnesia's record's on
the chart with a bullet!

- With a bullet?

But I don't have any enemies.

- Oh, not that kind of bullet, dear.

It means you're heading for the top.

- Oh, I get it.

Your record gets a bullet
when it's gonna kill 'em.

(audience laughing)

- [Company] Oy vey, Maria.

(audience laughing)

- Ammie, you're a hit!

(triumphant church music)

♪ Gloria ♪

♪ In excelsis Deo ♪

♪ Give praise to the Lord ♪

♪ And all that is divine ♪

♪ Give praise to the Lord ♪

♪ I'm sure this "Billboard" is a sign ♪

♪ Give praise to the Lord ♪

♪ He's making your star shine ♪

♪ You're on your way to number one ♪

♪ And lookin' mighty fine ♪

♪ Gloria ♪

♪ In excelsis Deo ♪

♪ Gloria ♪

♪ In excelsis Deo ♪

♪ Now is the time for action ♪

♪ You are the main attraction ♪

♪ Nothing gives satisfaction ♪

♪ Like being good ♪

♪ The best in the hood ♪

♪ Hey we knew you could ♪

♪ Give praise to the Lord ♪

♪ He's opened up the door ♪

♪ Give praise to the Lord ♪

♪ The more we shoot the more we score ♪

♪ Give praise to the Lord ♪

♪ Can't you feel a thorough bit of glory ♪

♪ Glory glory hallelujah ♪

♪ In excelsis ♪

♪ To the Lord ♪

(trumpet blaring)

- Hey, look.

- Hey.
- Cool!

(company jabbering)

- With a B.B.!

- Bullet, dear, a bullet.
- Whatever.

- Hey, here, let me have that.

We'll go call the Reverend Mother

and tell her the good news!

(nuns exclaiming in excitement)

- I could just kiss that
big hunk of a record man.

Y'know what?

If he was here right now,
I'd ask him to marry me.

- Amnesia, remember?

You're a nun.

- Oh, yeah, huh.

I forgot.

(audience laughing)

♪ Annie Oakley said it best ♪

♪ In Irving Berlin's western ♪

♪ Oh you can't get a man with a gun ♪

♪ Well I'll go and say one better ♪

♪ Though I never ever met her ♪

♪ You can't get a man when you're a nun ♪

(audience laughing)

♪ I'm simple and sweet ♪

♪ Though I've got two left feet ♪

♪ In "Billboard" I'll be number one ♪

♪ I'd make a great mate ♪

♪ But there is no debate ♪

♪ I can't get a man ♪

♪ I'm a nun ♪

♪ And sharp as a tack ♪

♪ Like a train I'm on track ♪

♪ I'm charming and witty ♪

♪ And fun ♪

♪ I can foxtrot and waltz ♪

♪ With almost no faults ♪

♪ Still I can't get a man ♪

♪ I'm a nun ♪

♪ We took a vow ♪

♪ We must obey ♪

♪ You can have that turkey ♪

♪ In the straw ♪

♪ But don't go in the hay ♪

♪ We took a vow ♪

♪ We must obey ♪

♪ The rooster may be crowin' ♪

♪ But the hens can't come and play ♪

(audience laughing)

♪ I'm a practical joker ♪

♪ When I'm playin' poker ♪

♪ With a guy ♪

♪ I can bluff 'til I've won ♪

♪ Still I can't have his hand ♪

♪ Convent weddings are banned ♪

♪ I can't get a man ♪

♪ I'm a nun ♪

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Remember what Saint Teresa says.

- No, what?
- What does she say?

- There are more tears
shed over answered prayers

than unanswered ones.

♪ You could get a slob ♪

♪ Who won't get a job ♪

♪ And lives in his t-shirt and drawers ♪

♪ You're not stuck with a bruiser ♪

♪ Who's always a loser ♪

♪ Be grateful the slob isn't yours ♪

♪ You could get caught ♪

♪ With some bum when you ought ♪

♪ To be someone who shines on your own ♪

♪ Or stuck cleaning house ♪

♪ For a louse of a spouse ♪

♪ Mother Hubbard without a bone ♪

♪ We took a vow ♪

♪ We must obey ♪

♪ You can have that turkey in the straw ♪

♪ But don't go in the hay ♪

♪ We took a vow ♪

♪ We must obey ♪

♪ The rooster may be crowin' ♪

♪ But the hens refuse to lay ♪

- (laughs) Eggs, lay eggs.

♪ When you're committed to the Lord ♪

♪ That's your only ward ♪

♪ He won't love you
then leave you and run ♪

♪ When all is said in done ♪

♪ There is no comparison ♪

♪ You don't need a man when you're a nun ♪

♪ Like I said before ♪

♪ Annie Oakley knew the score ♪

♪ You can't get a man with a gun ♪

♪ If she'd've called me on the double ♪

♪ I'd've saved her all that trouble ♪

♪ Who needs a man ♪

♪ Who needs a man ♪

♪ Who needs a man ♪

♪ Be a nun ♪

- [Company] Men, who needs 'em?

(audience applauding)

- Ladies and gentlemen,
travelers and tour directors,

are you fed up with high-priced
hotels, x-rated motels,

and people knocking on your door

at six o'clock in the morning yelling,

"House keeping!"

(audience laughing)

Well, if the answer is yes,

it's time for you to come to the stable.

(lively country western music)

♪ The Manger Inn's the place to stay ♪

♪ If you want to hit the hay ♪

♪ When you wake the milk is fresh ♪

♪ 'Cause it's in the cow
that's in the cresh ♪

♪ If the hotels all are full ♪

♪ The Manger Inn's available ♪

♪ There's always room for just one more ♪

♪ Wise men from the East adore it ♪

♪ Recommended by the Lord ♪

♪ It's the one you can afford ♪

♪ Come on in and have your faith ♪

♪ Father Son and the Holy Ghost ♪

♪ Continental breakfast
with jam and toast ♪

♪ Come on in and have
your faith restored ♪

♪ Just follow the star ♪

(audience applauding)

- Ladies and gentlemen,

some of you who saw our benefit show

will remember--
- Yo, Willie!

- [Sister Wilhelm] Willie?
(audience laughing)

♪ To all the nuns ♪

♪ I've loved before ♪
(audience laughing)

(Sister Robert Anne laughing)
(audience applauding)

(Sister Robert Anne exclaims)
(barn door closing)

- Ha, ha, ha, very funny, very funny.

- Yoo-hoo, Sister Wilhelm.

- What now?

- Why didn't they play
poker on Noah's Ark?

- I don't know, why didn't
they play poker on Noah's Ark?

- 'Cause Noah was sitting on the deck!

(audience laughing)

- Hey!

I thought it was 'cause
everybody had a pair!

(audience laughing)
(company laughing)

- Enough!
(barn doors closing)

Ladies and gentlemen,

for those of you who saw our benefit show,

you may remember that the
Sisters got a phone call

from Sister Mary--
- Dorothy!

(audience laughing)
Dorothy!

- I'll get you!
(audience laughing)

(cellar doors clattering)

(grunting in triumph)

No wonder Reverend Mother
didn't wanna come on this tour.

(audience laughing)

As I was trying to say,

for those of you who saw the benefit show,

you may remember that our
Sisters got a phone call

from Sister Mary Euthanasia.

(company gasping)

- [Company] Our nurse!

(dramatic music)

- Sister, you know that
Sister Mary Euthanasia's

not her real name.

They only call her that because once,

when she was replacing a blown out fuse,

she accidentally turned off the power

to the Intensive Care Unit.

(audience laughing)

- Well, in spite of that little mishap,

she has been very instrumental in helping

Sister Mary Paul recover from her amnesia.

- And that's why Reverend
Mother asked our own

superintendent of nursing,

Sister Mary Wilhelm here,

to bring a bit of
pageantry to our Jamboree

in the form of a tribute
to nurses everywhere.

And if I may say so myself,

you have created quite a spectacle.

- (laughs) Well, thank you,

and if there are any nurses out there

in our audience tonight,

we hope you will be especially honored

by our salute to the
Patron Saint of nursing,

Saint Catherine Laboure.

(sinister country western music)

♪ Today there's a Saint
who's known as Catherine ♪

♪ But long before her
Sainthood came to be ♪

♪ She was a nursing nun ♪

♪ A dedicated one ♪

♪ Alleviating people's misery ♪

♪ For a while she did fine
though she grew weary ♪

♪ The work did take its
toll on her you see ♪

♪ As her strength began to fade ♪

♪ She called for needed aide ♪

♪ Who could e'er forget her valiant plea ♪

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

- Let's get more men

into nursing.

♪ Registered ♪

♪ Practical ♪

♪ Nursing ♪

♪ A doctor is fine ♪

♪ But a nurse is divine ♪

♪ When it comes to dedication ♪

♪ They should build us a shrine ♪

♪ Let's get more men into nursing ♪

♪ Think of the thrill of rehearsing ♪

♪ A brand new technique ♪

♪ Whose rate of success ♪

- Whoops!

♪ You cut too much ♪

♪ The prince is going home a princess ♪

Sorry about that, sir.
(nuns clamoring)

♪ Let's get more men into nursing ♪

♪ It's time that we started reversing ♪

♪ Those trends of the past ♪

♪ Those chauvinist ways ♪

♪ C'mon men ♪

♪ Don those caps ♪

♪ Dare to be brazen ♪

(audience cheering)

(marching music)

♪ March out proudly in
your wings of snow white ♪

♪ So what if they laugh ♪

♪ They laughed at the Wright brothers ♪

♪ But before you knew it they flew ♪

♪ With nursing as your destiny ♪

♪ You can fly too ♪

♪ Oooo ♪

♪ Oooo ♪

♪ Oooo ♪
(audience applauding)

♪ Ahhh ♪

♪ Let's get more men into nursing ♪

♪ The men are so good at coercing ♪

♪ Terrify kids ♪

♪ With cones of ice cream ♪

♪ When they take a lick you stick 'em ♪

♪ Boy do they scream ♪

♪ Like banshees ♪

♪ Let's get more men into nursing ♪

♪ Though critics may say it's perverse ♪

♪ In actual fact ♪

♪ It answers the calls ♪

♪ What we need in nursing ♪

♪ Is some tough guys with ♪

♪ Let's get more men into nursing ♪

♪ Registered ♪

♪ Practical ♪

♪ Nursing ♪

♪ Sign up today ♪

♪ To make your debut ♪

♪ Catherine is calling ♪

- Yoo-hoo, soo-wee.

♪ Why are you stalling ♪

Help me, I've fallen.

♪ Catherine is calling ♪

♪ And ♪

♪ She's ♪

♪ Calling ♪

♪ You ♪

(audience applauding)

(lively country western music)

♪ Hello friends and neighbors ♪

♪ Welcome back to all of you ♪

♪ Everybody take your seats ♪

♪ It's time to start Act 2 ♪

♪ Now that we've all had a break ♪

♪ It's time for repartee ♪

♪ At Sister Amnesia's Country Western ♪

♪ Nunsense ♪

♪ Jamboree ♪

(audience clapping rhythmically)

(company calling out to audience)

- Hey everybody, hey everybody.

I have a joke, I have
a joke, I have a joke!

I have a joke!

What do you a call a sleep walking nun?

- Oh, I give up, whaddya
call a sleep walkin' nun?

- A roamin' Catholic.

(audience laughing)
- That's pretty good

for a novice.
(audience applauding)

That's good, Sister Leo.

- I got one!

I got one up here!

What is God's first name?

- Oo, I give up, what is God's first name?

- Harold.

- Harold.

- Yeah, "Our Father, who art in Heaven,

"Harold be Thy name."

(audience laughing)
- That's pretty good!

- Glad to have you here
tonight, how are ya?

Thanks for comin',
y'all, we appreciate it.

- Hey Amnesia, Amnesia, down here.

I thought God's name was Andy.

- Andy?

- Yeah.

♪ Andy walks with me ♪

♪ Andy talks with me ♪
- Everybody sing, c'mon.

♪ Andy tells me I am resound ♪

- Very nice singing.

(telephone ringing)
Oh, I don't believe it.

Okay.

Whaddya think she wants this time, huh?

Here we go, (clears throat)
hello, Reverend Mother.

Oh, I'm sorry, who?

- Who is it?

- Oh, hey, hey, it's Margie with BMI.

- Who's Margie?

- Hey, I thought we were still with AT&T.

(audience laughing)

- It's not MCI, it's BMI.

- Who's Margie?

- [Father Virgil] You know,
she's with those music people.

- She says that they've
chosen Sister Mary Paul

for some kind of award.

- An award?

I better talk to her!

- Virgil, I feel a song comin' on.

- Oh, this is great.

I bet I know what it is.

You folks are in for a treat,

because you have been
dialin' up for this number

more than any other I
play on my radio program.

So now here to sing one of
my own personal favorites

from her debut album,

please welcome once again,

Sister Mary Paul!

(laidback country western music)

- Thank you.
(audience applauding)

You know, the Reverend
Mother says that the Lord

will never tempt us with
more than we can overcome,

but our own Father Hollywood
thinks that sometimes

we might need a little help.

Lemme tell you what I mean.

♪ A long time ago in paradise ♪

♪ A serpent known as Satan
caught a woman by surprise ♪

♪ Sayin' Evie baby put out
your hand and close your eyes ♪

♪ I'll give you a treat ♪

♪ To make you healthy wealthy and wise ♪

♪ Well the next thing you know ♪

♪ She was under his spell ♪

♪ She gave her treat to Adam ♪

♪ And Heaven turned to Hell ♪

♪ What could she do ♪

♪ To undo the deed she done ♪

♪ She shoulda grabbed a phone ♪

♪ And dialed 4-1-1 sayin' ♪

♪ Information ♪

♪ There's a number that I need ♪

♪ It's a radio station ♪

♪ At 12th and Mead ♪

♪ They got a DJ ♪

♪ Father Hollywood ♪

♪ He'll pick out a tune ♪

♪ To make a bad girl good ♪

♪ Dial 4-1-1 ♪

♪ Information ♪

♪ Can't you hurry this along ♪

♪ There's a snake in the yard ♪

♪ With a tempting song ♪

♪ I gotta get a number ♪

♪ For Father Hollywood ♪

♪ He'll pick out a tune ♪

♪ To make a bad girl good ♪

- You go, girl.
(audience laughing)

- Second verse.

♪ Now don't tell me ♪

♪ Adam and Eve were passe ♪

♪ That they were long gone ♪

♪ Before your grandma's day ♪

♪ Maybe what they did ♪

♪ Ain't considered a crime ♪

♪ But we'll all pay the price ♪

♪ Time after time after time ♪

♪ Time after time ♪

♪ So if you're sittin' pretty ♪

♪ In some paradise ♪

♪ And your doorbell start's a ringin' ♪

♪ Here's a word to the wise ♪

♪ It might could be the Devil ♪

♪ In a full air-brushed disguise ♪

♪ Dial 4-1-1 ♪

♪ Don't listen to his lies ♪

♪ Sing out ♪

♪ Information ♪

♪ There's a number that I need ♪

♪ It's a radio station ♪

♪ At 12th and Mead ♪

♪ The got a DJ ♪

♪ Father Hollywood ♪

♪ He'll pick out a tune ♪

♪ To make a bad girl good ♪

♪ Dial 4-1-1 ♪

♪ Information ♪

♪ Can't you hurry this along ♪

♪ There's a snake in the yard ♪

♪ With a tempting song ♪

♪ I gotta get a number ♪

♪ For Father Hollywood ♪

♪ He'll pick out a tune ♪

♪ To make a bad girl good ♪

♪ Yes he'll pick out a tune ♪

(company clapping rhythmically)

- C'mon, people, yeah!
♪ Father Hollywood ♪

- That's me!

♪ Oh yeah he'll pick out a tune ♪

♪ Not just any tune ♪

♪ But he'll pick out a tune ♪

♪ To make a bad ♪

♪ Girl ♪

♪ Good ♪

♪ Pick up those phones, girls ♪

♪ Operators are standin' by ♪

♪ Father Hollywood ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

(audience applauding)

- Hey, let's hear it for
Sister Mary Paul, huh?

4-1-1, I think that's
got a bullet to the top,

I'll tell you what.

That's one hot number, there.

- Boy, she's great, no
wonder she's up for an award.

- Boy, life sure is
full of surprises, huh?

Y'know?

Oh, when I think about all of us,

and where we come from and everything,

it really blows me away
to think that we all ended

up here together.

'Cause I mean, let's face it,

life coulda been a lot different, huh?

Leo?

You could be off in some ballet company.

Yeah.

And you?

Could be ordering Mary Kay from Mary Paul.

(audience laughing)

- Hey, hey,

Sister Mary Wilhelm could
be Mrs. Frankie Avalon.

- Yeah.
(audience laughing)

That's scary.

- And Virgil,

you could be a model on
a Chip'n'Dale's calendar.

(audience cheering)
(audience laughing)

Well, maybe a Sear's catalog.

(audience laughing)

- And me?

Y'know, I could still be back home,

y'know, doin' my old...

Let's not go there, shall we?

(audience laughing)

But you know?

There's one thing that I know for certain.

And that is that everything
good that's every happened

for me all comes down to just one person.

- Sister Rose Francis.

(majestic music)

- Yeah.

She's long gone now,

but I know she's still watchin' over me.

♪ I grew up in Brooklyn ♪

♪ Not too far from Barbra Streisand ♪

♪ My mother took in washings ♪

♪ And we lived on beans and rice ♪

♪ And dollar wine ♪

♪ When I grew up in Brooklyn ♪

♪ No one had heard of Barbra Streisand ♪

♪ There wasn't any "Funny Girl" ♪

♪ No one talked of Fanny Bryce ♪

♪ And Julie Stein ♪

♪ Who could think of fame ♪

♪ When survival was the name of the game ♪

♪ We played back home in Brooklyn ♪

♪ All the time ♪

♪ Well that game got out of hand ♪

♪ When I hooked up ♪

♪ With a band called ♪

♪ Robin's Hoods ♪

♪ And we held up the Five'n'Dime ♪

♪ That same night the cops in Brooklyn ♪

♪ Took me far from Barbra Streisand's ♪

♪ To a place they called Saint Claire's ♪

♪ Where the worst kids paid the price ♪

♪ And I paid mine ♪

♪ It was at Saint Claire's in Brooklyn ♪

♪ Sister Rose Francis gave me advice and ♪

♪ For reasons known only to God ♪

♪ I listened to precisely every line ♪

♪ She said I could be one day ♪

♪ A person who was free one day ♪

♪ And like the stars in Heaven ♪

♪ I could shine ♪

♪ It was then I made my mind up ♪

♪ I would never ever wind up ♪

♪ As some lost and
dreadful sorry clementine ♪

♪ Back in the hood in Brooklyn ♪

♪ You couldn't find Barbra Streisand ♪

♪ She had moved to Broadway ♪

♪ That's why we all know
Fanny Bryce and Julie Stein ♪

♪ Like Barbra I left Brooklyn ♪

♪ And those days of beans and rice and ♪

♪ I joined this brand new gang ♪

♪ And my life ♪

♪ Like Barbra Streisand's ♪

♪ Is divine ♪

Hello, gorgeous.

♪ It turned out fine ♪

(audience applauding)

Hey!

So what's the deal?

- Well, Sister's still
on the phone with him,

but it seemed like they want
me to come back down here

for some big ceremony
and to be a guest star.

(company exclaiming)

- This is too much!

- You can say that again.

- Whaddya mean?

- Well, they want Sister
Amnesia, all right,

they also want her to pay for the travel,

the band, the hotel.

- Hey, well,

what about all that money she got

from the Publisher's Clearing House?

- You did know she won

the Publisher's Clearing
House Sweepstakes,

didn't ya?

- Well, there's not that much of that left

after Reverend Mother built
the Cable Access TV Studio

in the Convent basement.

Plus, she still had to
pay for the burials.

- You did know that
our cook, Sister Julia,

Child of God, accidentally
poisoned 52 of our Sisters,

didn't you?
(audience laughing)

- Wait, that's it!

- [Company] What?

- Hey,

we've handled more kick-offs
than the Tennessee Volunteers,

huh?
(audience laughing)

(Sister Robert Anne laughing)
(audience applauding)

You remember when we had
the thank you program

and I had the idea that we
could raise some extra cash

by doing a little funereal work

on the side?
- Right,

and Reverend Mother said, "No way."

- Oh, I know, I know, but since then,

I've been reworkin' my idea.

You know what I'm talkin'
about, right guys?

- What is it that
everyone's in on except me?

- You know that little cemetery
across from the Convent?

- Yes.

- And you know how hard it
is to park around there, huh?

- Yes.

- The plan is

to pave over the cemetery,

and make each headstone a parking space.

(audience laughing)

This way, you could just drive in.

(audience laughing)

- We had a drive-in funeral
parlor back at home,

down in Little Rock.

You'd drive up to this big
ol' picture of a preacher,

and he was holdin' a Bible,

only it wasn't really a Bible, you know,

it was a speaker like they
got at the Burger King,

(audience laughing)

and you would tell 'em
who you were there to see,

and then you would drive on ahead,

and they would bring the
body right up to the window.

(audience laughing)

Sittin' up.

(audience laughing)

- Amnesia, that's terrible.

- Oh, I'll say.

The day we went to visit
my dead cousin Arlene

we had to wait in line an hour

before we got up to the window.

It was so hot that day,

you could roast a weenie on the dashboard.

(audience laughing)

- I'm surprised they
didn't have a car wash

on the way out.

- They did.
(Sister Wilhelm gasping)

(audience laughing)

- Now that's a concept!

- Robert Anne,

you are talking about a cemetery
like it was a city dump.

- Well, we know it would
have to be tasteful.

- Check this out.

(audience laughing)

(bell gonging)

♪ Presenting ♪

♪ In its newest incarnation ♪

♪ Sister Robert Anne's ♪

♪ Idea ♪

(lively banjo music)

♪ We're the nuns to come to when you go ♪

♪ If when you go you really want to know ♪

♪ You'll have a perfect plot ♪

♪ And your friends'll
have a parking spot ♪

♪ If we're the nuns to
come to when you go ♪

♪ We're the nuns to come
to when you're gone ♪

♪ When you've got asphalt ♪

♪ Who needs forest lawn ♪

♪ You'll be safely tucked away ♪

♪ Underneath a Chevrolet ♪

♪ If we're the nuns you
come to when you're gone ♪

♪ When you're gone ♪

♪ When you're gone ♪

♪ When you're gone ♪

♪ When you're gone ♪

♪ When you're gone ♪

♪ When you're gone ♪

♪ When you're gone ♪

♪ When you're gone ♪

♪ The casket's could be model cars ♪

♪ To go with our motif ♪

♪ The tickets could be holy kind ♪

♪ 'Specially made for assuaging grief ♪

♪ We'll have a classic Thunderbird ♪

♪ Custom equipped to be interred ♪

♪ It'll have windows of Tiffany glass ♪

♪ With a special exhaust for passing gas ♪

(audience laughing)

♪ Oh ♪

♪ We're the nuns to come to when you go ♪

♪ If after you're displayed ♪

♪ You'd rather not be laid ♪

♪ Six feet under then like Joan of Arc ♪

♪ We'll send you off flambeed ♪

♪ Whoo ♪

♪ We're the nuns to come to when you go ♪

♪ When it's time for your
last hidey-ho-ho-ho ♪

♪ They'll be meters to proclaim ♪

♪ Your 15 minute's fame ♪

♪ If we're the nuns you
come to when you go ♪

♪ Go go go ♪

♪ We're the nuns to come
to when you're gone ♪

♪ When that final curtain's bein' drawn ♪

♪ When that final curtain's been drawn ♪

♪ Eternally retired ♪

♪ Your meter reads ♪

♪ Expired ♪

♪ Folks will say it's Heaven when ♪

♪ Allemande left and then turn right ♪

♪ To a parking spot ♪

♪ What a delight ♪

♪ Gone ♪

♪ Gone ♪

♪ Ya-Hoo ♪

(audience applauding)

- [Sister Robert Anne] Thank you!

- [Father Virgil] We
nailed that one, didn't we?

- I think Reverend Mother
will really go for this

when she hears it.

- Well, you better
think again, Sister Leo,

because I just heard it.

And all I can say is, Robert,

that is the dumbest idea I've heard

since Sister Julia Child of God

put Tums in the tacos so
we wouldn't get heart burn.

(audience laughing)

- All right, we hear you.

- Now, I need to speak
to Sister Mary Paul,

and will you please turn
off the darn speaker.

- Sister Amnesia!
- Yeah?

- [Sister Wilhelm] Reverend
Mother needs to speak to you.

- I'll be right there.

- All right.

Ladies and gentlemen, once again,

what's left of the Trott Family Singers.

- Listen, I wanna ask y'all something.

Have y'all ever been to a reunion?

Like a high school reunion?

College reunion?
- [Father Virgil] Anybody?

(audience applauding)
- Grade school?

Were y'all shocked at
how everybody turned out?

(audience laughing)

- See, we're just curious,

'cause a few weeks back,

I took Ronnie Joe to my
reunion in Mississippi.

We could not believe our eyes.

Hey, you shoulda seen her old boyfriend.

Clovis T. Beaner.

(audience laughing)

Hey, imagine you windin' up
with ol' Clovis T. Beaner.

You'd be livin' at the
Hitch'n'Go Trailer Park.

(audience laughing)
(Father Virgil laughing)

- Well, what about Verla May Hickie?

She always had her eye on you.

- Well, Verla May was the
smartest girl in our school, so.

- Yeah, right.

(Sister Mary Leo oinking)
- Hey, hey, now.

She still had her figure
when she was head cheerleader

for that wrestlin' team.

(audience laughing)

You're just jealous
'cause she beat you out

in that Delta Queen Tease Off contest.

- Virgil, don't bring that up.

- Oh, it's too late.

Now, lemme explain this one to ya, folks.

Any of y'all remember the
Pillsbury Bake Off contest?

(audience murmurs)

Yeah, all right, well, in Tupelo,

we had what was called the
Delta Queen Tease Off contest,

and that was the event of the year.

See, the girl with the biggest hair,

(audience laughing)

she got the place of
honor on that lead float

in the fourth of July parade.

(audience laughing)

- And I knew there was only
one girl I had to beat,

and that was Verla May Hickie.

- Verla May's whole life
revolved around big hair.

(audience laughing)

She used to live right
across the street from us.

Every night she would be
standin' in her bedroom window

in this skimpy little nightie

just a-teasin', and
a-teasin', and a-teasin'.

- What're you talkin' about?

You couldn't see her
window from our house.

- You could if you stood
on top of the dresser.

(audience laughing)

- Virgil.

Anyway,

I just knew for sure I's
gonna be the Delta Queen,

because I had teased myself a
beehive over 28 inches high.

(audience laughing)

- Her flamin' red hair looked
like a fire hydrant in heat!

(audience laughing)

- Virgil, I woulda won that contest, too,

if Verla May hadn't cheated
and put starch in her hair.

(audience laughing)
She had herself a bubble

that measured a perfect 36 side to side.

(audience laughing)

- Not to mention a
perfect 36 top to bottom.

(audience laughing)

- Anyway,

after Verla May won,

she told me that she was gonna
ask Virgil out for a date,

'cause he had just been named
captain of the football team.

(audience laughing)

It was a small school.

(audience laughing)

Anyway, I said to her,

Verla May, I am so sorry, bless
your heart, you didn't know.

Virgil has decided to become a priest.

Well, that bombshell sure
burst her big bubble hair.

(audience laughing)

To this day,

she still calls him Father "What-a-Waste".

(audience laughing)

- Y'know, when I saw
Verla May at that reunion,

I sat down, and wrote a song about her.

- D'ya like to hear it?

I think it's pretty good.
(audience applauding)

Virgil, you ready?

- Oh, I'm just about there,

thank y'all.
- Here it goes.

- One, two, three, four.

(feisty country western music)

♪ I was the captain of the football team ♪

♪ She was the pageant queen ♪

♪ Her deck was stacked ♪

♪ And I ain't talkin' cards ♪

♪ I know you all know what I mean ♪

♪ But ♪

♪ It was her hair ♪

♪ That people stopped and stared at ♪

♪ The Tease Off was her thing ♪

♪ A perfect 36 ♪

♪ She was purdy as a picture ♪

♪ She sure made my chimes ring ♪

♪ That night in Tupelo ♪

♪ Her hair was mighty high ♪

♪ She was feelin' high and mighty too ♪

♪ But then she fell down ♪

♪ And broke her crown ♪

♪ When she heard what I was gonna do ♪

♪ I told her ♪

♪ I've got a friend ♪

♪ In a very high place ♪

♪ Who has given me a call ♪

♪ When I tried to explain ♪

♪ To the queen of the vain ♪

♪ I was talkin' to a stacked brick wall ♪

♪ And that's when I knew ♪

♪ That there are at least two sides ♪

♪ To every pageant queen ♪

♪ And I saw the worst ♪

♪ When that bubble head burst ♪

♪ She became the queen of mean ♪

♪ Ho, what a scene ♪

♪ And there's more ♪

♪ From that day on ♪

♪ She'd step on any toes ♪

♪ To make her dreams come true ♪

♪ And if you happened ♪

♪ To be in her path ♪

♪ Her spike heel stepped on you ♪

♪ Well ♪

♪ She won lots of titles ♪

♪ But she lost all her friends ♪

♪ And though she still ♪

♪ Acts like a queen ♪

♪ That perfect 36 ♪

♪ Is a frumpy 43 ♪
(audience laughing)

♪ Waiting tables ♪

♪ Out on Route 17 ♪

♪ The moral you see ♪

♪ Of my story should be ♪

♪ That if you are riding high ♪

♪ You better be kind ♪

♪ Just in case you should find ♪

♪ There's a time when you can't fly ♪

♪ And if you intend ♪

♪ to go out and defend ♪

♪ That old crown by bein' mean ♪

♪ You could turn out ♪

♪ To be Miss Sauerkraut ♪

♪ One tired old broken down ♪

♪ Queen ♪

(audience applauding)

Thank you very much, thank you.

- Isn't he the best?

My daddy used to say
talent like that is as rare

as a Baptist who knows how to rumba.

(audience laughing)

- Hey, guess what.

Reverend Mother is tryin'
to arrange for a sponsor

for me to come back down for the ceremony.

- [Father Virgil] Oh, that's great!

- And speaking of sponsors,

the word from the friendly
folks at Franciscan Fodder is:

♪ If you live in a home ♪

♪ Where the buffalo roam ♪

♪ I hope you know someone who cleans ♪

(audience laughing)

And if your barnyard is
full of finicky eaters,

the Franciscans have news for you.

(upbeat country western music)

♪ Franciscan Fodder makes the feed ♪

♪ Puts a smile on every breed ♪

♪ Their secret mix is like a fix ♪

♪ It's how our donkey gets her kicks ♪

♪ When it's time to feed a horse ♪

♪ Franciscan is what we endorse ♪

♪ If you serve Franciscan chow ♪

♪ Your bull will shout ♪

♪ How now brown cow ♪

♪ Starting out as Catholic feed ♪

♪ Every breed has now agreed ♪

♪ Franciscan Fodder fills your daily ♪

♪ Father Son and the Holy Ghost ♪

♪ Who eats the fastest gets the most ♪

♪ Franciscan Fodder fills your daily ♪

♪ Need ♪

(audience applauding)

- Thank you, thank you,
what a commotion, thank you.

- You know,

we should introduce Franciscan "Faddah"

to Reverend "Muddah".

(audience laughing)

- Oh, yeah, yeah,

right after we tell her
the one about the farmer

and the rooster.

- The farmer and the rooster?

- Yeah, haven't you heard that one?

- No.
(Sister Robert Anne laughing)

- See, there was this farmer,

that had a rooster,

that just had no interest in hens.

So, he goes and gets a special
pill from Franciscan Fodder.

Soon as that rooster ate that pill,

he lit out for the henhouse
like a bolt of lightning

and when he got there,

(Sister Robert Anne shouting)

and when he was done with them,

he headed for the duck pond, and,

(Sister Robert Anne shouting)

and when he was done with them,

he went for the geese.

Well, the first thing the farmer knew,

the rooster just fell over.

Dead, in the middle of the barnyard.

And the buzzards started
circling overhead.

Was then he realized this
pill was just too powerful,

so he goes to pick up
his poor dead rooster.

And has he bends over, the rooster goes,

"Shh, (laughs)."

(audience laughing)

Oh, good Christianss, all of ya, bye!

(audience cheering)

- And now, ladies and gentlemen,

we remember a Grand Ole Opry
favorite, as we present,

"The Mini Pearls of Wisdom."

(audience applauding)

- [Company] Alvin!
(audience cheering)

- Oh, Virgil (laughs).

(audience laughing)

- Father Carusone, give us an A.

(monotone piano music)

♪ Mini pearls ♪

♪ We've got mini pearls ♪

♪ Of wisdom here for you ♪

♪ We've got mini pearls ♪

♪ Of wisdom yes we do ♪

♪ We've found experts ♪

♪ And we quizzed 'em ♪

♪ To get mini pearls of wisdom ♪

♪ Now it's ♪

♪ Time to share those
mini pearls with you ♪

(upbeat country western music)

♪ Always take a chance ♪

♪ There's a chance you might be right ♪

♪ If you ain't got money ♪

♪ You better be polite ♪

♪ Don't ask questions ♪

♪ If you don't want to know ♪

♪ When everything is goin' wrong ♪

♪ Tell 'em you won't go ♪

♪ Never cut apart ♪

♪ What's easy to untie ♪

♪ Don't spit in the well ♪

♪ You'll get thirsty by and by ♪

♪ It ain't if you win or lose ♪

♪ It's where you place the blame ♪

♪ Do forgive your enemy ♪

♪ But don't forget her ♪

♪ His ♪

♪ Name ♪

♪ We've got mini pearls ♪

♪ Of wisdom here for you ♪

♪ We've got mini pearls ♪

♪ Of wisdom yes we do ♪

♪ We found experts and we quizzed 'em ♪

♪ To get mini pearls of wisdom ♪

♪ Now it's time to share ♪

♪ Those mini pearls with you ♪

♪ If your halo slips ♪

♪ It could turn into a noose ♪

♪ If you can't be kind ♪

♪ Kindly be obtuse ♪

♪ Don't try to fix things ♪

♪ When they ain't broke ♪

♪ If you've paid up your insurance ♪

♪ Go ahead and smoke ♪

♪ If you can't do it teach it ♪

♪ If you can't teach it ♪

♪ Teach Phys. Ed ♪

♪ If you ain't wearin' underpants ♪

♪ Don't stand on your head ♪

♪ Put off 'til tomorrow ♪

♪ What you should never do ♪

♪ If you can't convince them ♪

♪ Then confuse them through and through ♪

(audience laughing)
- Virgil, come on,

big finish here!

♪ We got mini pearls ♪

♪ Of wisdom yes we do ♪

♪ And there's one more mini pearl ♪

♪ That we would like to leave with you ♪

♪ When assembly is required ♪

♪ For your catalog selections ♪

♪ After everything
you've tried has failed ♪

♪ Read the directions ♪

(audience applauding)

- Ladies and gentlemen, friends
and foes, boys and girls,

people of all sizes,

this is the moment you
have all been waiting for.

The Lord says, "Ask, and it
shall be given unto you."

Well, you have asked, and
we are giving it unto you.

Yes, folks, this is the first--

(audience laughing)

This is the first, the world's first,

Catholic Country Auction!

(company cheering)
(audience applauding)

And I have decided as a committee of one

that all the proceeds
shall go toward getting

Sister Mary Paul to the
Country Music Awards.

Now then, ladies and gentlemen, look,

look at the beautiful
array of items we have

going up for bid.

Topping our display is our eye popping,

hand crafted, Santa Lu-Chia Pet.

(company exclaiming)
(audience laughing)

That's right.
(audience applauding)

That's right, ladies and gentlemen,

Saint Lucy has never been so alive.

Every day, say the special prayer,

and pour on the holy water,
which is sold separately,

(audience laughing)

and Saint Lucy's hair grows one inch.

(audience laughing)
The Santa Lu-Chia Pet

proves that the power of prayer is real!

(company exclaiming)

That's right,

Saint Lucy gives whole new meaning

to the term "miracle grow".
(pounding gavel)

Now then,
(audience laughing)

what is the first item going up for bids?

- Well, Sister,

I believe that would be the wishbone

from the turkey that was
served at the Last Supper.

(audience laughing)

- I bet you'd like to
have that, wouldn't ya?

- Ladies and gentlemen, this
is a one-of-a-kind relic.

Rumor has it that Saint
Peter and Saint Thomas

went at this sucker for over an hour.

(audience laughing)

But there's no record
as to whoever received

the larger piece.

Now, by the power of Heaven,
and a drop of crazy glue,

this bone has been healed.

(audience laughing)
- [Sister Wilhelm] Hallelujah!

- Yeah, that's a miracle!
(audience applauding)

- Although the crack in it only adds

to its authenticity,

we have been ordered
to sell this holy bone

as damaged merchandise.

Take it away,

Colonel Wilhelm.
- All right,

now who will begin the bidding

at the ridiculously low price of $5?

Do I have a $5 bid?
- $5!

This gentleman right here!

- [Sister Wilhelm] I got a $5 bid now.

Who can give me 10,

$10 bid now?
- Sister!

- [Sister Wilhelm] Who can give me 20,

$20 bid now, that's a 20,

I got a $30 bid now down here.

$30, I got a $40 bid now,

okay, now I need a $50 now,

only a $50 bid.
- Sister!

(pounding gavel)

- [Sister Wilhelm]
Knick-knack, paddy-whack,

give a dog the bone,
to the man down there.

(audience applauding)

(audience cheering)

- Congratulations!

You, you have made a very wise investment.

May all your wishes come true.

Here, use this card, here,

to claim your merchandise
after the program, all right?

- I'll just hold your bone for you,

'til the show's over, sir.
(audience laughing)

- [Sister Robert Anne]
What's next, Sister?

- Well, I bet you all think you know

where the Bible Belt is,

right?
- [Sister Leo] Do you?

- Huh?

Let me hear ya.

I bet you'd say it's right
here, maybe Tennessee,

Georgia, right?
- [Sister Wilhelm] Tennessee!

- Wrong!

What would you say if I
told you the Bible Belt

could be around your waist?

(audience laughing)
Ladies and gentlemen,

ladies and gentlemen,

take a look at the next
item goin' up for bids.

(Sister Wilhelm exclaiming)

(audience laughing)

- Folks, this is the authentic Bible Belt,

designed by a holy person
determined a prophet

from the word of God!

(audience laughing)
This belt is adjustable

to all sizes,

and remember, every
time you unzip your fly,

you can have the key to
the Kingdom standin' by!

- Bless us, Lord, yes!
(audience cheering)

Bring it home!

- Speakin' of keys,

who will lock this one up with a $10 bid?

- [Sister Wilhelm] $10 bid,

now do I have a $10 bid?
- $10, $10, $10!

- Now I need $15, $15 bid.
- Here he is!

- [Sister Wilhelm]
Who'll give me a $20 bid?

$20 bid?
- Hop up, $20!

- Who'll give me $25, 25, keep it on out.

Who'll give me a $30 bid, now?

All right, I need a $30 bid, now, $30 bid.

Oh, I got it, $35, all
right, $40 bid, now, 40.

Sold, (pounding gavel) to the
gentleman right over there,

for $40!
- $40, oh there you go.

You got the last bid in
there, congratulations.

- 42!
(Sister Amnesia laughing)

- 42, I'm sorry, sir,

the Gates at Heaven have been
closed on this particular

piece of merchandise.
(audience laughing)

But thank you very much.
(audience applauding)

Congratulations, sir,

you're the proud owner of
a authentic Bible Belt.

Now, I feel kinda bad,
maybe y'all could share it.

Have y'all met?

- Yeah, we're brothers.

- Oh, my goodness sakes, gentlemen,

it's the Raybon Brothers!

Right here in the front row!
(audience cheering)

Well, congratulations then.
(audience applauding)

That's great.

Keep that belt in the family, there.

I'll tell you what, though.

You might wanna share that,

'cause whoever's got that
belt on will never be caught

with their pants down,

that's a good thing, remember that.

Congratulations, what's
next there, Sister?

- Hey, hey, you two.

Oh, ladies and gentlemen,

we have somethin' very special now.

You all are gonna be
bidding for the opportunity

to come up here on stage
and have a picture taken

with all of us commemorating
this most special evening.

This is a once in a life time opportunity,

ladies and gentlemen, do I hear $50?

- [Sister Robert Anne] 50 cents!

- Who'll give me a $2 bid, now?

$2 bid, now, right over there, now.

Wait a minute, ladies and
gentlemen, let's hold it, hold it.

Let us separate the men from the boys.

Who will take a flyin' leap
with me to a $5 bid now?

I got a $5 bid now, who'll give me six?

$6 bid now, who'll give me a $7 bid now?

Eight, eight, Heaven's Gate,

who'll give me an $8 bid now?

(nuns shouting over each other)

Who'll give me a $10 bid?

10, 10, who'll give me an $11 bid now?

Got $11 bid now, who'll give me 12?

$12 bid now, $12 bid now, sold.

Goin' once, goin' twice, get up here, sir,

for a picture with the Sisters.

(audience applauding)
(lively country music)

(audience laughing)
(company clamoring)

Let's give him a big hand, huh?

(audience applauding)

Oh, boy.

- I hadn't been to a
good ol' country auction

since we left Mississippi.

- Oh, yes?

- Yeah, we never had any
country auctions back home

in Brooklyn.
- Whoa.

You musta missed out
on a lot of good stuff

growin' up in Brooklyn.

- Well, I wouldn't say I missed out.

It was just different, y'know?

(jazzy country western music)
While you were

skinnin' rabbits,

I was strippin' cars, you see?

♪ I'm a cowgirl from Canarsie ♪

♪ And I ride the BMT ♪

♪ It's a subway ♪

♪ Not a horse ♪

♪ But if you rode it ♪

♪ You'd agree ♪

♪ That it's a bucking bronco ♪

♪ And it's better than TV ♪

♪ The shoot 'em ups are real ♪

♪ And the sideshows all are free ♪

♪ I'm a cowgirl from Canarsie ♪

♪ And though I don't ride the range ♪

♪ I rode out West to Jersey ♪

♪ In hope that I could change ♪

♪ Some pretty tough desperados ♪

♪ Who were headin' for
a pretty hard fall ♪

♪ I'd could pretty well
speak their language ♪

♪ And that ain't pretty at all ♪

♪ I'm a whistle packin' ♪

♪ Ruler whackin' whip-crackin' ♪

♪ Click-clackin' nun who looks and leaps ♪

♪ I'm a whistle packin' ♪

♪ Ruler whackin' whip-crackin' ♪

♪ Click-Clackin' nun
who's playin' for keeps ♪

♪ I'm a line towin' punch throwin' ♪

♪ Horn blowin' street knowin'
nun who's here to say ♪

♪ I'm a line towin' punch throwin' ♪

♪ Horn blowin' street knowin'
nun who's here to stay ♪

♪ I'm a cowgirl from Canarsie ♪

♪ And though I don't pack a gun ♪

♪ I'm a straight shootin'
rootin' tootin' ♪

♪ Son-Of-A-Gun of a nun ♪

♪ I'm roundin' up the outlaws ♪

♪ And then I'm takin' aim ♪

♪ I'm a cowgirl from Canarsie ♪

♪ So savin' is my game ♪

♪ I'm a cowgirl from Canarsie ♪

♪ And though I'm not wearin' spurs ♪

♪ I can boot you where it hurts ♪

♪ And you'll know when that occurs ♪

♪ I know I'm talkin' tough ♪

♪ But I'm tender to the core ♪

♪ You can ask those kids I teach ♪

♪ No one loves 'em more ♪

♪ Than this whistle packin' ♪

♪ Ruler whackin' whip crackin' ♪

♪ Click-clackin' nun who looks and leaps ♪

♪ Oh this whistle packin' ♪

♪ Ruler whackin' whip crackin' ♪

♪ Click-clackin' nun
who's playin' for keeps ♪

♪ I'm a line towin' punch throwin' ♪

♪ Horn blowin' street knowin'
nun who's here to say ♪

♪ I'm a line towin' punch throwin' ♪

♪ Horn blowin' street knowin'
nun who's here to stay ♪

♪ She's a whistle packin' ♪

♪ Ruler whackin' whip crackin' ♪

♪ Click-clackin' nun
who's looks and leaps ♪

♪ She's a whistle packin' ♪

♪ Ruler whackin' whip crackin' ♪

♪ Click-clackin' nun
who's playin' for keeps ♪

♪ She's a line towin' punch throwin' ♪

♪ Horn blowin' street knowin'
nun who's here to say ♪

♪ She's a line towin' punch throwin' ♪

♪ Horn blowin' street knowin'
nun who's here to stay ♪

♪ I'm ♪

♪ A cowgirl from Canarsie ♪

♪ And I ride the BMT ♪

♪ It's a subway ♪

♪ Not a horse ♪

♪ But if you rode it you'd agree ♪

♪ That it's a buckin' bronco ♪

♪ And it's better than TV ♪

♪ The shoot 'em ups are real ♪

♪ And the sideshows all are ♪

♪ Free ♪

♪ Yee-haw ♪

(audience applauding)

Thank you!

- Sister, I almost had it!

(company laughing)

- Sister Wilhelm!

Reverend Mother's on the phone,

she needs to talk to you right away.

- Hey, she cut a deal for ya?

- [Sister Amnesia] She's workin' on it.

- All right.

- Just keep things rolling out here.

- Rollin'?

Rollin', rollin'?

Rollin' with what?
- Oh, oh,

I could do a modern dance!

- Yeah!
- No, no, no, no, no, no,

no thank you, no thank you, darlin'.

Not after that modern dance
you took me and Granny to, no.

- What happened?

- Well, she took me and Granny to this,

"interpretive ballet".

We sat down and this girl comes
a runnin' out on the stage,

and she yells, "I'm runnin'."

(audience laughing)

And another girl jumps out
and says, "I'm jumpin'."

(audience laughing)

Then a third girl hops out
and says, "I'm hoppin'."

Well, Granny stood up,
and said, "I'm leavin'."

(audience laughing)

- All right, all right, no modern dance.

- Thank you, very much.

- Hey, hey, hey!

How about our salute to Patsy Cline?

- [Father Virgil] Now that's
a good idea, I like that.

- Father Carusone,

can you get out that
Patsy Cline tune we wrote?

- Yeah, I don't know about you all,

but we are very big fans of Patsy Cline.

- Oh, yeah.
(audience cheering)

I think she's Reverend
Mother's favorite singer.

- Yes,

and that's why she asked us
to put this tribute together.

So what we did, we took 43
Patsy Cline song title hits,

and we strung 'em all together
into one brand new song.

- Now, we could really use
your help with the chorus.

Which goes like this:
(upbeat country music)

♪ We know that ♪

♪ Somewhere up in Heaven ♪

♪ You're a Saint Patsy Cline ♪

♪ 'Cause when you were down on Earth ♪

♪ You were always so divine ♪

♪ Although you're up in Heaven ♪

♪ Your star will always shine ♪

♪ We miss you Patsy Cline ♪

- Now we're gonna need
your help to sing that

next time around,

and don't worry, if we
all sing out together,

nobody has a chance to get self-conscious!

(audience laughing)

So listen for these song titles

and get ready for your turn.

Ready?

♪ When you need a laugh ♪

♪ 'Cause a lot of loose talk ♪

♪ About your true love ♪

♪ Makes you blue ♪

♪ And you just found three cigarettes ♪

♪ In an ashtray ♪

♪ Sweet dreams just won't do ♪

♪ You're stronger than me ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm hungry for love ♪

♪ I can't imagine that love ♪

♪ Sublime ♪

♪ Now I may be crazy ♪

♪ But I fall to pieces ♪

♪ And my heart aches ♪

♪ All the time ♪

Here we go, c'mon!

♪ We know that ♪

♪ Somewhere up in Heaven ♪

♪ You're a Saint Patsy Cline ♪

♪ 'Cause when you were down on Earth ♪

♪ You were always so divine ♪

♪ Although you're up in Heaven ♪

♪ Your star will always shine ♪

♪ We miss you Patsy Cline ♪

All right, Sister, sing us one.

- [Sister Robert Anne] Sing it, Sister.

♪ If I could see the world ♪

♪ Through the eyes of a child ♪

♪ I'd be back in baby's arms ♪

♪ But I can't forget ♪

♪ That Tennessee waltz ♪

♪ And his you belong to me charm ♪

♪ Why can't he be you ♪

♪ There he goes so wrong ♪

♪ He's always foolin' 'round ♪

♪ It wasn't God ♪

♪ Who made honkytonk angels ♪

♪ On that honkytonk merry-go-round ♪

♪ Sing ♪

♪ We know that ♪

♪ Somewhere up in Heaven ♪

♪ You're a Saint Patsy Cline ♪

♪ 'Cause when you were down on Earth ♪

♪ You were always so divine ♪

♪ Although you're up in Heaven ♪

♪ Your star will always shine ♪

♪ We miss you Patsy Cline ♪

- All right, next time in Spanish.

♪ I got a lot of rhythm in my soul ♪

♪ And love letters in the sand ♪

♪ But walkin' after midnight ♪

♪ Side by side ♪

♪ I said your cheatin'
heart ain't my brand ♪

♪ She's got you south of the border now ♪

♪ That San Antonio rose ♪

♪ When I get through with you ♪

♪ Our fated love won't need ♪

♪ Half as much as God knows ♪

♪ We know that ♪

♪ Somewhere up in Heaven ♪

♪ You're a Saint Patsy Cline ♪

♪ 'Cause when you were down on Earth ♪

♪ You were always so divine ♪

♪ Although you're up in Heaven ♪

♪ Your star will always shine ♪

♪ We miss you Patsy Cline ♪

- All right, here we go.

♪ Now anytime you get
those lovesick blues ♪

♪ And have leavin' on your mind ♪

♪ I say come on in and
make yourself at home ♪

♪ 'Cause the wayward wind ain't kind ♪

♪ Strange as it seems ♪

♪ He called me baby ♪

♪ But I'm tired of that same old speech ♪

♪ I told him to write me ♪

♪ In care of the blues ♪

♪ 'Cause love's just out of reach ♪

♪ We know that ♪

♪ Somewhere up in Heaven ♪

♪ You're a Saint Patsy Cline ♪

♪ 'Cause when you were down on Earth ♪

♪ You were always so divine ♪

♪ Although you're up in Heaven ♪

♪ Your star will always shine ♪

♪ We miss you Patsy Cline ♪

♪ We miss you ♪

♪ Patsy Cline ♪

(audience applauding)

- Whoo! (laughing)

You people are terrific singers!

Are you from Rent-A-Crowd?

(audience laughing)

Y'know, you guys are so good,

I think you should all
come on tour with us.

Yeah, yeah!

- Guess what!

Reverend Mother did it,
she got me a sponsor!

(company gasping in delight)

- That's right, and we just found out,

that Sister Mary Paul has
been selected this year's

"Most Promising New Country Artist".

- (gasping) Congratulations!

Oh, you know, you're
gonna go to this ceremony,

and your career is gonna take off,

and you're gonna be famous!

- You won't forget us, will you?

- Why would I forget you?

(audience laughing)

- Oh, once you see your name up in lights,

you'll probably high-tail it outta here

faster than a Catholic after Communion.

(audience laughing)

I'm gonna be takin' down
names on the way out, here.

(audience laughing)

- Well, that's not right.

- No, when those promoters take charge,

you won't know what hit ya.

(company jabbering)

- Wait, wait a minute.

Amnesia, you won't be here
to see me get my black veil.

(emotional piano music)

- Oh, I guess we didn't realize
what we were prayin' for.

- Well, I guess not.

♪ When I was lost ♪

♪ And at wit's end ♪

♪ Without a name ♪

♪ You were my friend ♪

♪ Time went by ♪

♪ It all came back to me ♪

♪ A prophecy ♪

♪ That proved to me ♪

♪ You were the cause ♪

♪ Every time You smiled at me ♪

♪ You brought out the child in me ♪

♪ Who knows if You believe ♪

♪ Then dreams come true ♪

♪ Every time You smiled at me ♪

♪ I knew that just Your smile would be ♪

♪ Enough to give me strength ♪

♪ To see things through ♪

♪ All I wanted then ♪

♪ Was to know where I had been ♪

♪ To remember once again ♪

♪ And feel like I did way back when ♪

♪ I wouldn't be here now ♪

♪ Had it not been for You ♪

♪ When everything seemed hopeless ♪

♪ You showed up right on cue ♪

♪ And then You smiled that
special smile for me ♪

♪ Bringin' out the child in me ♪

♪ Who knows if You believe ♪

♪ Then dreams come true ♪

♪ If once more You would smile for me ♪

♪ I know that just Your smile would be ♪

♪ Enough to give me strength ♪

♪ To see this through ♪

♪ Maybe I'm naive ♪

♪ But I won't leave ♪

♪ 'Cause I belong right here with You ♪

♪ I know I can't make
the dreams come true ♪

♪ I know I can't make
the dreams come true ♪

♪ Without You ♪

(audience applauding)

I just want you all to know

that bein' a nun is the
most important thing

in the whole world to me.

Sure, I'll go off and do this
country music singin' thing,

but I will never forget that
right here is where I belong.

Less of course another
crucifix hits me on the head.

(audience laughing)

But hey, anyway,

you 'member what happened to that singin'

Dominique-nique-nique-nique nun?

(audience laughing)

Remember?

She recorded that song,

and then she went on the Ed Sullivan show,

and then she became a huge star,

and then--

♪ She left the Convent
and (blows raspberry) ♪

♪ She was gone ♪

(audience cheering)
(audience applauding)

Ladies and gentlemen, my
new friend, Lulu Roman!

(audience cheering)
(audience applauding)

- Sister Amnesia,

I think everything is
going to be all right.

Little Jimmy Dickens is backstage,

and he has a very important
piece of advice for you.

(audience cheering)
(audience applauding)

- Just remember,

you meet the same people on your way up

as you do on your way down.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)
- Little Jimmy Dickens,

ladies and gentlemen.

So.

♪ To be certain ♪

♪ When you need a friend ♪

♪ A good one can be found ♪

♪ Keep in mind ♪

♪ What goes around ♪

♪ Comes around ♪

♪ Think before you act ♪

♪ Is always good advice ♪

♪ For what you give out once ♪

♪ Could come back to you twice ♪

Father Carusone, bring us on home.

(lively country western music)

♪ Do unto others ♪

♪ As you would have them ♪

♪ Do unto you ♪

♪ That's the golden rule ♪

♪ That you should pursue ♪

♪ For if you ♪

♪ Do unto others ♪

♪ As you would have them do ♪

♪ The world would be a better place ♪

♪ For all of us it's true ♪

Lemme give you a little example.

♪ Let's say you steal an apple ♪

♪ From your neighbor's tree ♪

♪ Your neighbor steals your wife ♪

♪ You take his Jaguar XKE ♪

♪ Once it all gets started ♪

♪ Where's it gonna end ♪

♪ Take it from the top ♪

♪ And try to be a friend ♪

♪ You've got to ♪

♪ Do unto others ♪

♪ As you would have them ♪

♪ Do unto you ♪

♪ That's the golden rule ♪

♪ That you should pursue ♪

♪ For if you ♪

♪ Do unto others ♪

♪ As you would have them do ♪

♪ The world would be a better place ♪

♪ For all of us it's true ♪

- Hey, I got one.

- What?

♪ An eye for an eye ♪

♪ Seems to be in style ♪

♪ Maybe we should take a stab ♪

♪ At smilin' for a smile ♪

♪ A tooth for a tooth ♪

♪ Is one philosophy ♪

♪ But it tends to lead to denture wear ♪

♪ Eventually ♪

♪ You've got to ♪

♪ Do unto others ♪

♪ As you would have them ♪

♪ Do unto you ♪

♪ That's the golden rule ♪

♪ That you should pursue ♪

♪ For if you ♪

♪ Do unto others ♪

♪ As you would have them do ♪

♪ The world would be a better place ♪

♪ For all of us it's true ♪

♪ But what about the people ♪

♪ With a selfish point of view ♪

♪ I say you ♪

♪ Do unto others ♪

♪ Before they do to you ♪

- [Company] No, no, no, no!

♪ Do unto others ♪

♪ Before they screw you ♪

Sister!

♪ Robert you know that's not true ♪

♪ Hey I'm teasin' you ♪

♪ You gotta have a laugh or two ♪

♪ If you're to see it through ♪

♪ You've got to ♪

♪ Do unto others ♪

♪ As you would have them ♪

♪ Do unto you ♪

♪ That's the golden rule ♪

♪ That you should pursue ♪

♪ For if you ♪

♪ Do unto others ♪

♪ As you would have them do ♪

♪ The world would be a better place ♪

♪ For all of us it's true ♪

♪ You've got to ♪

♪ Do unto others ♪

♪ As you would have them ♪

♪ Do unto you ♪

♪ That's the golden rule ♪

♪ That you should pursue ♪

♪ For if you ♪

♪ Do unto others ♪

♪ As you would have them do ♪

♪ The world would be a better place ♪

♪ For all of us it's true ♪

♪ Do unto others ♪

♪ As you would have them ♪

♪ Do unto you ♪

♪ That's the golden rule ♪

♪ That you should pursue ♪

♪ For if you ♪

♪ Do unto others ♪

♪ As you would have them do ♪

♪ The world would be a better place ♪

♪ For all of us it's true ♪

♪ You've got to ♪

♪ Do unto others ♪

♪ As you would have them ♪

♪ Do unto you ♪

♪ That's the golden rule ♪

♪ That you should pursue ♪

♪ For if you ♪

♪ Do unto others ♪

♪ And they meet you halfway ♪

♪ I say the world ♪

(jazzy trumpet music)

♪ That wild old, wacky
old, big old world ♪

(jazzy trumpet music)

(audience applauding)

♪ I say the world would
be a better place ♪

♪ The world would be a better place ♪

♪ The world would be a better place ♪

♪ For everyone ♪

♪ Today ♪

♪ Oh, I'll say it again ♪

♪ Just one more time ♪

♪ Here comes the end ♪

♪ Do unto you ♪

(audience cheering)
(audience applauding)

(upbeat country western music)

♪ Now we ain't pretendin' we're profound ♪

♪ Or fancy or high tone ♪

♪ If Stephen Sondheim's uptown perfume ♪

♪ We're down home cologne ♪

♪ Now our show is over ♪

♪ And we hope you're feelin' swell ♪

♪ God bless every one of you ♪

♪ As we ♪

♪ All say ♪

♪ Farewell ♪

(audience applauding)
(audience cheering)

(lively country western music)

(sighing)

- The Grand Ole Opry.

(sniffling) What a night.

If I do say so myself,

I was the highlight of the entire program.

Not even so much as a damn "thank you".

Vicki Lawrence.

Eat my dust.

Hey, wake up, it's over.