Nunsense 2: The Sequel (1994) - full transcript

(police sirens)
(helicopter blades whirring)

(tires screech)

(siren wailing)

- Thank you, boys!

Thank you, boys!

(laughing)

(background chattering)

- Folks, the Sister just told me

that the sisters have just arrived.

They're coming in right through over here.

Let's all stand up and
give 'em a warm welcome.



Come on!

(audience applauds)
(upbeat music)

(audience applauds)

(upbeat piano music)

- Let's hear it for Brother Michael.

(audience applauds)

Brother Michael and the Mount
Saint Helen's Eruptions.

(chuckling)

All right.
(clicker clicks)

(audience laughs)

Oh, I found some (laughs).

I call this my Catholic finder (chuckles).

All right, let there be light.

(clicker clicking)



- [Man] It won't come on.

- What do you mean it won't come on?

It was working fine at play practice.

- [Man] Yeah, well, it's not working now.

I don't know what's wrong.

I'll fix it in a minute.

- (grunts) Would you excuse me, please?

In a minute Reverend Mother, next week,

next month, never now,
never when I need it.

(light clicks)
(audience laughs)

I tell ya, never ask a
man to do a nun's job.

(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)

(chuckles) Well, let's
begin all over again.

Now, good evening friends.

- [Audience] Good evening, Sister.

- Oh my goodness, now I haven't
seen you in over 20 years.

(audience laughs)

You know, the mass is
in English now (laughs).

(audience laughs)

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome
to Mount St. Helen's School.

Now, before we begin, in
case there's anyone here

who's visiting us for the first time,

I want to introduce the sisters to you.

First we have our novice,

our newest member, Sister Mary Leo.

(audience applauding)

Sister Leo came to us direct
from the Lulu B. Tuggins School

of Ballet, Baton, and
Hula in Elgin, Illinois.

(audience laughs)

She hopes to dedicate her life

to God by becoming the
first nun ballerina.

Isn't that so, Sister?

- Yes, Reverend Mother.

- Yes, well that's enough
dear. Don't give it away.

(audience laughs)

And next we have Sister Mary Paul.

Mary Paul.

Amnesia, come over here.

(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)

Some of you may remember that
Sister got hit on the head

with a Crucifix, and for the longest time,

couldn't remember who she was.

Well, even though she
did finally remember,

I guess we'll always think
of her as Sister Amnesia.

(laughs) She's come a long
way on the road to recovery.

(audience laughs)

Not a very long way,
but a long way (laughs).

(audience laughs)

Next--

- Rev, me.

- I know, I'm getting to you Robert Anne.

This is Sister Robert
Anne, our convent driver.

(audience applauds)
- Woo, woo, woo!

- She also teaches gym.

(whistle blows)

(audience laughs)

And works with our troubled youth.

Which is only fitting since
she had quite a troubled...

Oh well, I guess some
things are best left unsaid.

No, Robert Anne's a good egg,

if a bit hard boiled at times.

(audience laughs)

In fact, you know, you might
say she's an entire breakfast,

because she's also quite a ham (chuckles).

(audience laughs)

She does fancy herself
(laughs) quite the performer.

- Oh (humming)!

(audience laughs)

- (laughs) Get out of here.

(audience applauds)
(audience whooping)

Don't encourage her.
(audience laughs)

And of course I could not get a long

without my second in
command, Sister Mary Hubert.

(audience applauding)
(audience whooping)

Sister Hubert is our Mistress of Novices,

so just being a heartbeat away
from being Mother Superior.

- Ba-da-boom, ba-da-boom,
ba-da-boom, beep (chuckles).

(audience laughs)

Ba-da-boom.
(audience laughs)

- Sister Hubert is number two around here.

Aren't you dear?

- Just call me Tonto.
(audience laughs)

- And as you'd probably already guessed,

I am Sister Mary Regina,
the Mother Superior

of the Little Sisters of Hope.

(audience applauds)

Well.

- Hi ho, Silver.

- Away!
(audience laughs)

- (chuckles) Yes.

Well, now that you know who we are,

I want each one of you to stand up

and introduce yourself (laughs).

(audience laughs)

Kidding, just kidding (chuckles).

But before we begin the
show, I do want to take

a few minutes to tell you
about the stage setting.

Now, next week Mount Saint
Helen's has the honor of hosting

the Interfaith Musical Society
of Hoboken's Annual Show.

And this year, thanks to a
very generous contribution

from Ishizowa Subaru and Sushi bar,

(audience laughs)
oh, you've been there,

(audience laughs)

They are doing that ever
popular Japanese hit,

The Mikado, so.
(audience laughs)

Oh, you've seen it!
(audience laughs)

Oh well, come and see it again.

And then do stop by Ishizowa's

and try their bar and by a car (chuckles).

(audience laughs)

I made that up myself (chuckles).

(audience laughs)

But, enough about their show.

Tonight, our show is
dedicated to all of you

for all the support you
have given us in the past.

So, as we begin our program,
let us raise our voices

and thank the Lord for this
opportunity to thank you.

Brother Michael, if you will.

(organ music)

♪ Jubilate Deo omnis terra ♪

♪ (Singing in Latin) ♪

♪ Alleluia, Alleluia ♪

♪ Two, three, for Nunsense ♪

♪ Lord, we give you thanks ♪

♪ Nunsense is such a thrill ♪

♪ Nunsense though it seems absurd ♪

♪ Can cure your ills, it's silly ♪

♪ But you don't need pills ♪

♪ With Nunsense ♪

♪ I can hear it call, it's sayin' ♪

♪ Hey folks, come on along ♪

♪ Nunsense is the place for all of us ♪

♪ Who think we're strong ♪

♪ And long for one great song to sing ♪

♪ Oh, Nunsense, it's our name in lights ♪

♪ The mood onstage is ♪

♪ Electric town ♪

♪ And Nunsense ♪

♪ We know we've hit the heights ♪

♪ Every time we take a bow ♪

♪ When times got tough
and life got rough ♪

♪ We had to take a chance ♪

♪ So we turned the page
and went on stage ♪

♪ With our song and dance ♪

♪ Times got tough and life got rough ♪

♪ we had to take the chance ♪

♪ So we turn the page and went on stage ♪

♪ With our song and dance ♪

♪ And now we're out here ♪

♪ With another show ♪

♪ Out here to thank you all ♪

♪ Out here saying bravo ♪

♪ Bravissimo ♪

♪ We'll do our damnedest ♪

♪ Darnedest ♪

♪ To let you know that ♪

♪ Nunsense ♪

♪ Hey is just for fun ♪

♪ What else could it be called ♪

♪ At Nunsense ♪

♪ You'll see our hair come down ♪

♪ And you thought we were bald ♪

- All right girls, straight line.

And smile.

♪ Nunsense ♪

♪ Is a magic word ♪

♪ We're here to make you smile ♪

♪ At Nunsense ♪

♪ We know we've done our job ♪

♪ When the atmosphere
is filled with cheer ♪

♪ And you're all grinning ear to ear ♪

♪ Smiles make it all ♪

♪ Worthwhile ♪

(audience applauds)

- Thank you, you know, ever
since our benefit program,

the Sisters have been just
itching to get back onstage.

They all seem to have been
bitten by the theater flea.

- Reverend Mother, that's
bitten by the showbiz bug.

- What?

- The expression, it's bitten

by the showbiz bug, you said flea.

- (chuckles) Oh, dopey me. I
thought it was flea (laughs).

Well, the point is, they've been looking

for any excuse to get back on the stage,

so you can just imagine
how thrilled they were

when I suggested we do this
little thank you program.

- Reverend Mother, correct me
if I'm wrong, but I distinctly

remember it was I who suggested
the thank you program.

- Oh, no, it was I, Hubert.

We were watching General
Hospital, and that Erica Kane

was havin' that fight.
- Oh, wait a minute, no, no,

no, Erica Kane is with All My Children,

and that's the show I watch.
- Oh, that was All My Child--

- And that daughter of hers
- Oh, well, anyway,

I don't know maybe it was you.

Anyway it doesn't matter
who thought of it, does it?

The point is, we're here.

And we've been a little bit
concerned that those of you

who weren't able to attend our first show,

might not understand what
this one's all about.

- That's why I suggested that we prepare

a little explanation for everyone,

and that's what we're gonna do right now.

- Well, thank you, Hubert.

- Don't mention it.
(audience laughs)

- You know, the show really was my idea.

(audience laughs)

But if it makes her feel better
to think she thought of it,

then I'll just keep my mouth shut.

Being number one around here,

it kinda goes with the territory.

Hubert is just the
slightest bit jealous of me,

and I don't wanna rattle her cage.

Talk about the fur flying, whew (laughs)!

My goodness, Hubert, I was just

telling everybody how
clever you are (laughs).

- Ready, girls?

Six weeks ago, our cook, Sister Julia,

Child of God, made some Vichyssoise soup

and 52 of our Sisters died
instantly of botulism.

Reverend Mother prayed for
guidance and had a vision

of either Saint Catherine of
Siena or Saint Thomas Aquinas

in drag, she still
hasn't figured out which.

Anyway, she was told to make
greeting cards to raise money

for the burials, which she
did, but then she spent part

of the money on a VCR for
the convent, so we had to

put on a show to raise money
for the rest of the burials.

Now, the eighth graders were
using the stage at the time

for their musical production of Grease,

which Reverend Mother
thought was Vaseline,

but we couldn't wait,
because we had to put

the last four dead Sisters
in the convent freezer,

and if the Health Inspector
came snooping around,

it would've been curtains for all of us.

Well just before the end of
the show, Sister Amnesia,

who Reverend Mother had
hoped would turn out to be

a Franciscan, remembered
that she was on her way

to Nashville to become a country singer,

when she felt this calling.

She decided not to become a big star

and become unimportant like all of us.

She said her name was Sister Mary Paul.

Suddenly Reverend Mother
remembered that Mary Paul

was the name of the nun who
won the Publishers Clearing

House Sweepstakes, and
no one could find her.

Sister Amnesia had saved
the day, we were rich.

And that's all there is to it.

(drum roll)
(audience applauds)

- Well, I guess there's nothing
left for me to say (scoffs)

except,
(audience laughs)

winning is just the beginning.

♪ There's no end in sight
when you're winning ♪

♪ The Lord, indeed, works
in a mysterious a way ♪

♪ Sending us Amnesia, who
in turn saves the day ♪

♪ Winning is just the beginning ♪

♪ Though some of you may
think we're sinning ♪

♪ By keeping the prize
when we vowed to be poor ♪

♪ With all this money, we
can help the poor even more ♪

♪ Winning is just the beginning ♪

♪ No wonder we're happy and grinning ♪

♪ We've buried the four,
and the freezer is clean ♪

♪ Finally we can get back
to our nunnly routine ♪

(marching band music)

♪ Sing Hallelujah,
shout it up to the sky ♪

♪ We've got the money,
now we're flying high ♪

♪ Now there's nothing we can't achieve ♪

♪ Anything is possible when you believe ♪

♪ Winning is just the beginning ♪

♪ We've come through
the thick and the thin ♪

♪ In fact when it's rough,
we're tougher than tough ♪

♪ Just getting by at Mount
Saint Helen's isn't enough ♪

♪ Winning is just the beginning ♪

♪ Then comes the self-disciplining ♪

♪ Oh, we could go crazy
with all of this cash ♪

♪ I can see the headlines Sisters
Cause the Market to Crash ♪

- Listen to this! Listen to this!

Word of your story has
reached Ed McMahon stop.

Request a talent scout see your show stop.

Should be there now stop.

This could be your start stop.

♪ Winning is just the beginning ♪

♪ We'll be home runs in each inning ♪

♪ Batting 1,000 the limit's the sky ♪

♪ We're in the money ♪

♪ Our days are sunny ♪

♪ We're in the money ♪

♪ And we're flying ♪

♪ High ♪

(audience applauds)

- My goodness.

Thank you.

Imagine, a talent scout here to see us.

Well, let's make our guest feel welcome.

Stand up, dear, and introduce
yourself, wherever you are.

(nuns clapping)
Now, don't be shy.

Oh, or perhaps you prefer
to remain anonymous.

Oh, yes. Oh, yes,

well, as we used to say when I was a star

in the circus (laughs),
"On with the show!"

- Isn't this great?
- Oh, yeah,

hey, Star Search, here we come!

- Hubert, don't you
just love bein' onstage?

- Oh you know, I was onstage
before I became a nun (laughs).

- Now you never told me that.

- Oh, yes. I even played Hamlet (laughs).

- I could see you as a Great Dane. Hmm.

(audience laughs)

- Reverend Mother, will you hold this?

- Mm-hmm (affirmative).
- Thank you.

- What you doing?

- Breaking an egg.
- Why?

- It's good luck.
(audience laughs)

- Amnesia, it's break a leg.
You break a leg for good luck.

- Oh, for heaven's sake.
(audience laughs)

- Dopey me.

You break a leg so you
can get in the cast.

(audience laughs)
(scattered applause)

- Why couldn't she have been a Franciscan?

(audience laughs)

- Okay, sit up straight,
eyes forward, pay attention.

I got a question I wanna ask
all o' ya here tonight, okay.

What is the next best thing to heaven?

- [Man In Crowd] Sex!
(audience laughs)

- (laughs) I wouldn't know.
(audience laughs)

What is the second best
next thing to heaven?

- [Audience Members] Chocolate!

- Close, but it's not. It's Bingo!

(audience applauds)

And we're gonna play Bingo
right here, right now (laughs).

Surprise.
(audience laughs)

Yeah, everybody take a look
in your programs, 'cause I put

a Bingo card in every
single one of your programs.

Okay, now listen, I gotta
find something out here.

How many here have played Bingo before?

(audience murmurs)
Oh, good.

How many here have played
Catholic Bingo before?

(audience laughs)
That's it, huh?

Well now listen, tonight we're
not gonna play Four Corners,

Little Joe, Love Letters,
or anything like that.

No, no, no, tonight, we're gonna play

regular old-fashioned quickie Bingo.

Now that means, the first
person who gets five up,

five down, five across,
or five on a slant,

you win the prize (laughs).
(scattered laughs)

Now listen, I know, well you
probably didn't bring your

Lucky Dab Bingo markers or
anything like that with you, huh?

So what you're gonna have to do is you're,

sir, can I borrow your card?
Oh, thank you (laughs).

Oh, hello Sister (laughs).

Have you played Bingo before?
(laughs) I thought so.

Now listen, what you're gonna hafta do is,

you're gonna hafta mark
these numbers with a pen,

or a pencil, or lipstick,
or you could just put

your fingers on the numbers
as you get 'em, okay.

(audience laughs)

And you see this free number

in the middle where it says free?

That's a free spot for everybody,
including the Protestants.

(audience laughs)
There you go.

Are you Catholic, sir?
- No.

(audience laughs)
- You're not (laughs)?

- (laughs) No.
- Sister, would you like

another card?
(audience laughs)

I gotta better, give it
back. Did you touch it? Yeah.

Here you go, you can have it back.

- Does that mean I'm Catholic now?

- No, it means it's
twice-blessed (laughs).

(audience laughs)
And you'll need it, okay.

(audience laughs)

Now listen, the most
important thing to remember

is that as soon as someone
gets all five numbers,

five up, five down, five
across, or five on a slant,

you gotta shout, "Bingo!"

Why don't we all practice that
all together. Okay, ready?

One, two, three!
- [Audience] Bingo!

- Oh, good.
(audience laughs)

Oh, one more thing though,
as soon as someone gets

all five numbers, you
also have to stand up,

so that way I know where you are,

so I know where to find
you to give you the prize.

And wait til you see this
prize, it's beautiful.

I made it myself (laughs).
(audience laughs)

okay now, I am so excited
because this is the first time

I am calling a Bingo game
all by myself (laughs).

And I've been practicing real hard.

Now up here, this is the Bingo cage.

And in the Bingo cage are the Bingo balls.

Now every single ball has a number on it.

So now, you gotta mark
your cards every time

I hold one o' your balls, okay.

(audience laughs)

(laughs) Are ya ready!
- [Audience] Yes!

- Are ya ready?
- [Audience] Yes!

- Here we go. Round and
round and round she goes,

and where she stops, nobody knows.

Oh, what a way to start the game,

by taking the best vitamin
in the whole wide world.

It's B-12. B-12, everybody, B-12. B-12.

Mark those cards everybody, it's B-12.

And the next number outta the Bingo cage,

here we go, and it's (gasps), it's I-22,

the ballerina ball, I-22, I-2-2,
the ballerina ball, I-2-2.

(laughs) Mark your cards
now. No talking, everybody.

Keep your eyes on your own
card. Okay, here we go.

And it's B-15. B-15, B-15, B-1-5, B-1-5,

B-Uno-Cinque, Uno-Cinque,
that's Italian (laughs), yeah.

I been taking Italian lessons
from Sister Robert Anne.

It's like, "Hey, paisan, come stai?"

okay. Oh, G-49, G-49, everybody, G-49.

G-4-9, G-4-9, mark those cards, everybody.

And the next number outta the Bingo cage,

here we go, and it's (gasps),
oh, it's the Dolly Parton

number, it's N-44, N-44,
Dolly Parton, Dolly Parton,

I just love this game. Okay,
come on home, little doggy.

Mama needs a new pair
of shoes. Let's see it.

(gasps) O-13, bad luck.
Keep movin' right along.

(audience laughs)
And the next number outta the

Bingo cage is, here we
go, (gasps) it's B-11!

Chicken legs, B-11, B-11,
Bok-bok-bok-bok, B-11.

Okay, wait til you see
the prize I have for you.

It is so beautiful. I'm so
excited. I love this game.

Let's see, (gasps) oh,
Hallelujah, it's O-66, O-66, O-66.

Here we go! And the next
number outta the Bingo cage is,

here we go, (gasps) it's G-57, G-57.

- [Audience] Bingo!
- Aah!

(audience laughs)

(audience applauds)

- She blew it, didn't she (laughs)?

Moving right along, pacing, pacing.

Ladies and gentlemen, it
gives me great pleasure

in presenting Sister Mary
Leo in an original ballet,

The Stoning of Mary Magdalene.

(uptempo music)
Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Whew! Hey! I'm not Mary Magdelene.

(audience laughs)
- Lord, no, I'm not doing

the ballet tonight, I'm
doing something different.

- Oh, well you ready?

- [Mary Leo] Yeah.
- Good.

- [Mary Leo] Oh, Sister Hubert?

- Yes, dear?

- [Mary Leo] Can you get the
rocks off? (audience laughs)

- Ladies and gentlemen,

Sister Mary Leo in something different.

(audience laughs)

(upbeat music)

♪ I want to be a Sister prima ballerina ♪

♪ But right now, I can't dance for you ♪

♪ A novice must obey if
she expects to stay ♪

♪ And I'm told I cannot wear my tutu ♪

♪ I want to be a Sister prima ballerina ♪

♪ And someday the Lord will make it so ♪

♪ But til that happy day,
I have found another way ♪

♪ To praise the Lord that seems apropos ♪

(laughs) Whew!

♪ Though ballet is my one true
love, I've come to realize ♪

♪ Til Reverend Mother sees the
light, I'll have to improvise ♪

♪ Adding the wheels to
my toes just conceals ♪

♪ A dream that sits and waits ♪

♪ My blessed bourrees,
and prayerful piques ♪

♪ Have turned into figure eights ♪

Wish me luck.

Just don't say, "Break a
leg," okay (laughs). Whew!

(audience applauds)

♪ So if you hit a roadblock and
you're not sure what to do ♪

♪ Remember if a door is closed,
God's gotta window for you ♪

♪ If only Reverend Mother
would say, "Tutus are okay." ♪

♪ Life would be grand, just
as I planned, and I'd plie, ♪

Uh, whew!
(audience laughs)

♪ I want to be a Sister prima ballerina ♪

♪ But it's time for my exit cue ♪

♪ In my own special way ♪

♪ I hope I brightened your day ♪

♪ For this is my gift to you ♪

♪ And now I bid you, adieu ♪

Whoa (laughs).
(audience applauds)

(laughs) Whoa.

Thank you (laughs).

- Sister Mary Leo, you're
quite the holy-roller (laughs).

What happened to the ballet?

- Huh, same old story,
Reverend Mother said,

"No tutu."
- "No tutu."

And I thought I had her convinced.

- Reverend Mother knows
I can't dance in this.

She's tryin' to stifle my aspirations.

You know, I think she
has Talent-Nun-Ophbia.

(quick bouncy music)
- Talent-Nun-Ophbia?

What's that?

- She has fear of nuns with talent.

Why should she get all the glory?

She thinks she's so hot. Not.

- Sister Leo,

♪ I've been Mistress of the
Novices for many, many years ♪

♪ I've seen a lot of rivalry
that's ended up in tears ♪

♪ Jealousy is something they say
can turn you green (scoffs) ♪

♪ It may look good on Kermit,
but on you it's quite obscene ♪

♪ Sister, I know envy
is something to abhor ♪

♪ But it's always been my
problem, I'm always wanting more ♪

♪ I know that it's a sin,
but I'm feeling in my soul ♪

♪ That with my special talent,
I deserve a bigger role ♪

- Sister Mary Leo, now you know
what it says in the "Bible."

- The "Bible," no what?

- It says there are no small
parts, only small actors.

- I never read that in the "Bible."

- Well, maybe it was a "TV Guide."

(audience laughs)
Anyway, the point is,

♪ Reverend Mother is in charge ♪

♪ But that doesn't mean she's hot ♪

♪ It's because she's Reverend Mother ♪

♪ She's got the starring spot ♪

♪ You mean, that could be her downfall ♪

♪ 'Cause she's bitten off a lot ♪

♪ And I might end up better ♪

♪ With a smaller part ♪
♪ You've got it, kid. ♪

♪ I've said it before,
and I'll say it again ♪

♪ The biggest ain't the best ♪

♪ When balanced with the rest ♪

♪ Quality not quantity's ♪

♪ A point you've always stressed ♪

♪ That's right, Sister Leo ♪

♪ The way to get what's due ♪

♪ Is to be so very special ♪

♪ The folks remember you ♪

Remember Sister Agnes?

♪ Agnes raised a turkey ♪

♪ It weighed 100 pounds ♪

♪ We don't know what she fed it ♪

♪ But it grew by leaps and bounds ♪

♪ When Agnes came out with that ax ♪

♪ That turkey never winced ♪

♪ He tackled Agnes, grabbed the ax ♪

♪ And no one's seen her since ♪

♪ So the biggest wasn't best ♪

♪ When it came to turkey breast ♪

♪ You might end up like Agnes ♪

♪ If you become obsessed ♪

♪ And that's why, Sister Leo ♪

♪ My advice to you is be
careful what you pray for ♪

♪ 'Cause the Lord might answer you ♪

Another example,

♪ The story of Goliath
and David tells it all ♪

♪ Who'd have thought that David ♪

♪ Could've made Goliath fall ♪

♪ Well, Goliath was the biggest ♪

♪ But he didn't have the smarts ♪

♪ To see that David, being short ♪

♪ Could shoot his private parts ♪

(loud popping)
(audience laughs)

- You mean he shot him in the--

- That's my theory (laughs).
(audience laughs)

♪ You can be a giant ♪

♪ And be quite insensitive ♪

♪ Til the short guy with the slingshot ♪

♪ Aims at where you live ♪

♪ Perfect yourself in every way ♪

♪ Even if it's small ♪

♪ Then you'll stand out in a crowd ♪

♪ Then I'll stand out in a crowd ♪

♪ As if you're 10 feet tall ♪

(audience applauds)
(both laughing)

- Oh, (laughs) you don't have to

applaud every time I come on (laughs).

(audience laughs)
Now, Amnesia has--

(loud operatic music)
No, no, no, not now.

♪ Un bel di, vedremo ♪

Oh, Pinkerton! Uh, uh, oh, oh.

(audience laughs)

- Robert Anne, I'm gonna Un bel di,

your vedremo in about one minute.

- Don't ya love it when she talks dirty?

(audience laughs)
- Robert!

What did I do?

- Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute.

I think I'm getting CNN here.

(audience laughs)

- I must have been out of my
mind to let you be in this show

after all the trouble you
gave me the last time.

Don't you know, as my understudy,

you have an image to maintain.

- Now Rev, I've been meaning
to talk to you about this.

I mean, this understudy stuff
just doesn't make sense.

(laughs) Let's face it,

(upbeat piano music)

♪ Nobody plays you like you, you see ♪

♪ When the crowd wants
you, they don't want me ♪

♪ But when they do want
me, I should be free ♪

♪ To add a little extra
spice and personality, hey ♪

♪ Nobody plays you like you, you see ♪

♪ Though imitation may
be sincere flattery ♪

♪ What really sells is individuality ♪

♪ That's why you should play you ♪

♪ And I should play me ♪

♪ I got pizazz, and razzmatazz ♪

♪ And all that jazz that every star has ♪

♪ I got a song from heaven above ♪

♪ And a couple o' jokes your gonna love ♪

♪ You're gonna say that Streisand
ain't the only funny girl ♪

♪ What do you say Rev,
shall we give it a whirl ♪

You know Rev, you gotta understand
that you, you're, you're,

- Yes?
- Different (laughs).

You've got to give
yourself some more credit.

I mean, you've got that
indescribable something

that no other nun in the universe--

- It's getting awfully
deep in here, Robert.

- I'm serious.

♪ Nobody plays you like you, you see ♪

♪ Who could duplicate
your special quality ♪

♪ Robert Redford has your charm
but a Sister not he (scoffs) ♪

♪ There's Roseanne Arnold,
but she sings off-key ♪

That could be a plus, Rev.
(scattered laughing)

- Hey!
- Just kidding!

♪ Don't you see it's an impossibility ♪

♪ For me to play you ♪

♪ Well, finally we agree ♪

♪ So why not give in, it's plain to see ♪

♪ That you should play you ♪

♪ And I should play me ♪

♪ I got pizazz, and razzmatazz ♪

♪ And all that jazz that every star has ♪

♪ And Rev, you're never gonna believe ♪

♪ The tricks I still got up my sleeve ♪

♪ So whadda ya say, Rev ♪

♪ We both can shine ♪

♪ You show yours ♪

♪ And I'll show them mine ♪

- [Reverend Mother] Oh!
(audience applauds)

- So whadda ya think, huh Rev?

♪ I think you should take your pizazz ♪

♪ And razzmatazz and all o' that jazz ♪

♪ And you should stick
'em up your sleeve ♪

♪ With the tricks I don't believe ♪

♪ And in the words of someone great ♪

♪ Though I can't remember who ♪

♪ Don't give up your day job ♪

- Let me guess,

♪ We'll call you ♪

(audience applauds)

- You know, we are so grateful

for all the support that you've given us.

It just seems like good
fortune has touched us all.

Well, all except our cook,
Sister Julia, Child of God.

(audience laughs)

I don't know if there's any hope for her,

although last week, she did
give us a pretty good laugh.

This crotchety old priest

from the Office of Religious stopped by.

And I must say, he was being

awfully rude to all the Sisters.

He even managed, somehow, to
get himself invited to lunch.

Well, when Julia was serving
him, he took one look

at his plate and he said,
"This isn't fit for a pig."

So Julia picked his plate up and said,

"Well wait, I'll get
you something that is."

(audience laughs)
(laughs) Remember?

Oh, it was rich (laughs).

But I'm gettin' off the track here.

I was telling you about our good fortune.

Now when we realized that Sister
Amnesia had been a country

singer, we felt she shouldn't
ignore this wonderful gift.

And so now, she has some
very exciting news for you.

Ladies and gentlemen, it gives
me great pleasure to present,

our newest country-singing
sensation, Sister Mary Paul!

(drum roll)
(audience applauds)

(bouncy country music)

- Howdy!
- [Audience] Howdy!

♪ I'm a simple country gal ♪

♪ Who's a country-singin' nun ♪

♪ And I'm headin' down to Nashville ♪

♪ To make some extra money ♪

♪ Reverend Mother says, "We
must use our talents well" ♪

♪ And I can help the poor and
needy if my records sell ♪

♪ The record man was here last week ♪

♪ Golly, he was cute ♪

♪ He musta stood at least six-two ♪

♪ In his country-western suit ♪

♪ He said, "Mary Paul,
I think you're swell ♪

♪ I know that you'll go far ♪

♪ And if ya come to Nashville ♪

♪ I'll make you a country star" ♪

- Stop!

- Oh no, Sister Mary Annette,
how did you get here?

I thought I locked you in the closet.

- Yeah, well Sister Agnes let
me out, and it's a good thing.

For three days, I thought
I was in a confessional.

I thought, "How many Our
Fathers and Hail Maries

do I have to say to get
the hell outta here?"

(audience laughs)
(Amnesia gasps)

Can you believe it? She thinks
she's gonna be a star. Ha!

♪ This guys only usin' her,
he knows that she's daft ♪

♪ When he gets the elevator,
she'll get the shaft ♪

♪ I'm tellin' ya the way it
is, no if, ands, or buts ♪

♪ She's got back her memory,
now she's just nuts ♪

- (gasps) That's mean, you apologize.

- All right. I'm sorry you're nuts.

(audience laughs)
She doesn't even get it.

- Stop it.

- Oh Amnesia, what makes you
think that this guy's legit?

He's a ba-a-a-a-ad apple.

- (gasps) No Sister, he is
not a ba-a-a-a-ad apple.

As a matter of fact, he
said that I was a like

a sweet Georgia peach,
just ripe for pluckin'!

(audience laughs)

- You fruitcake, he didn't say
pluckin, he said (whispers).

(Amnesia gasps)
(audience laughs)

- Sister!

♪ He gave me his pledge ♪

♪ Not to leave me in the dust ♪

♪ He gave me his comet so
my star will never rust ♪

♪ You better keep the yeast ♪

♪ So his dough don't never rise ♪

♪ You better get some Kleenex ♪

♪ To dry her cryin' eyes ♪

♪ (gasps) You're jealous
'cause he chose me ♪

♪ And he said, "No way," to you ♪

♪ I'm gonna go to Opryland,
there's nothin' you can do ♪

♪ And when they turn up that spotlight ♪

♪ All that glitters will be me ♪

♪ The biggest little Sister act ♪

♪ In a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-all of Tennessee ♪

♪ Yodel-Lay-Hee-Hoo,
Del-Lay-Hee-Hoo, Del-Lay-Hee ♪

♪ Yodel-Lay-Hee-Ha!,
Del-Lay-Hee-Ha!, Del-Lay-Hee ♪

♪ Yodel-Lay-Hey!-Hoo,
Del-Lay-Hey!-Hoo, Ouch! ♪

- Go ahead, leave. Go to
Tennessee, see if I care.

I'm nothin'. I'm just a poor,
little puppet nun (sobs).

(audience laughs)
- You're crazy!

- Crazy? Ha!

♪ She's the one who's crazy.
She's the one who's the mess ♪

♪ She's the one who's out here
with her hand up my dress ♪

♪ She'll be in the Enquirer in each A&P ♪

♪ She's the nun who went
wrong in Tennessee ♪

- "As the nun who went
wrong?" You're wrong.

- I'm right, you're wrong!
- You're wrong, I'm right!

- Right!
- Wrong!

- Right!
- Wrong!

- Right!
- Wrong!

- Right!
- Wrong!

- Right! (muffled growling)

- Hit it, Slim!

♪ The moral of this story ♪

♪ Is if you expect to win ♪

♪ You never will get help ♪

♪ If you commit a mortal sin ♪

♪ When they're bringing in the sheaves ♪

♪ At the setting of the sun ♪

♪ You eat the loaves and fishes ♪

- What the hell is she talking about?

(audience laughs)
(Amnesia gasps)

♪ It's time this song i-i-i-is ♪

- Oh, give it a rest!

♪ Done ♪

♪ Yahoo ♪

(audience applauds)

- Hubert, I'm telling you, you've got to

see to it that she gets
rid of that puppet.

- Me? May I remind you, you're the one

that got her that puppet
in the first place?

- That's only because
the doctor suggested it

as a way to help her regain her memory.

Nobody told me she was gonna
turn into Sister Sybil.

Oh!
(audience laughs)

- Am I gonna get it?

- Not in a million years.
(audience laughs)

(phone ringing)
- I'll get it!

- I will, I'll get it!
- I'll get it!

- I'll get it!
- Oh, now what?

- Mount Saint Helen's?

- If that's the Health Inspector,

tell him I left the country.

- Oh, Reverend Mother, I already

told him that four times today.

And four times yesterday. Four
times the day before that.

Four times the day before--
- [Reverend Mother] Amnesia!

- But why won't anybody talk to him?

- Wait a minute, I can't understand you.

- Who is it?

- It's Sister Maria Chiquita
Rosita Bonita de Guadalupe.

She's calling from the convent.

I said wait a minute!
I can't understand you!

- Leo, she's Spanish, not deaf.

(audience laughs)
- Here, let me talk to her.

Yo, Lupe!
(audience laughs)

(speaking gibberish)

- How does she do that?
- [Reverend Mother] What?

- (speaking gibberish) Oh,
(laughs) that's not so hard.

Why did you think it would be

the Health Inspector, our freezer's clean?

- Because ever since Reverend Mother

expelled his son Vinny,
he's been out to get us.

- (gasps) You expelled Vinny Prestapinni?

- Well, I had no choice after
what that little hooligan did.

They say poor Sister Fermina will

be on lithium the rest of her life.

(audience laughs)

- Rev! Rev, you're not gonna believe this.

You know how you're always sayin'

that God answers your prayers?

- Don't tell me we won the red Ferrari?

- No, not exactly, no.

Look, you know how
you're always sayin' that

you hope when Amnesia
remembers who she is,

she turns out to be a Franciscan?

- Yes.
- Well the Lord musta heard ya

'cause Lupe said that the Franciscans

just showed up at the convent.

There's a tall one named Sister Brunhilde,

and a fat one named Sister Fritz,

and they say that Sister
Mary Paul is theirs.

- What?
- I'm a Franciscan?

- That's what they say.

- No! I don't wanna be a Franciscan!

- Regina, there must be a mistake.

- I'm sure there is.
- No, no, I'm gonna hide,

they're never gonna find me!
(nuns overlapping)

- You know, Rev, somebody
better talk to them.

I mean, what if they
really did try to take her?

Nothing would be the same
around here (scoffs).

- Boy, you can say that again.
(scattered laughing)

Hey, maybe they'd like you, too.

You know, we're supposed
to travel in pairs.

(audience laughs) Just when
you think it's safe to go back

to the convent, the Franciscans show up.

- Oh, you know what I
always say, you can't trust

people that spend that
much time with animals.

(audience laughs)
- Robert Anne!

Why don't you go over there

and find out what this is all about.

Explain to them that Sister Amnesia's

about one sandwich shy of a picnic.

(audience laughs)

I'll hold down the fort here.

I wouldn't be in this mess

if I'd just stuck with the circus.

Oh, those were the days (chuckles).

The whole family up
there on that highwire,

the crowds cheerin'.

I'll never forget the night I
made my first solo appearance.

Altoona, PA, the fourth
of July, I was dressed

as the Statue of Liberty,
carrying this big flamin' torch.

See, I was supposed to
go across the wire solo

and get my brother, he
was the token immigrant,

(audience laughs)

shepherd him back across the
wire to the land of the free.

Well, everything was going just fine,

until my torch accidentally
singed the seat of his pants.

(audience laughs)

He suddenly just shot right off that wire!

Goodness gracious, great balls o' fire,

he lit up like
(audience laughs)

Saint Blaise (laughs).
(audience laughs)

well, how was I to know he'd stuck

some Roman candles in his hip pocket?

(audience laughs)

There I was on that highwire with rockets

and fireworks flyin' all around me.

When my brother hit the safety net,

he yelled back up at me
that I had pushed him.

Well I yelled right back,
"Liar, liar, pants on fire,

you fell off the tightrope wire."

(audience laughs)

Course, with all the
commotion goin' on, everybody

expected me to come down,
too, but I held on (laughs).

And when I got back to
that platform (gasps),

that crowd went wild. Whew!

I looked down, I could see
my mother lookin' up at me.

There were tears on her
face, but she was smilin'.

You know, I've come a long way since then,

but I'll never forget that
look on my mother's face.

♪ Look Ma, I made it ♪

♪ Hey Ma, ain't you proud ♪

♪ Look Ma, I made it ♪

♪ For cryin' out loud ♪

♪ I climbed every mountain ♪

♪ And walked through the storm ♪

♪ They gave me a spotlight ♪

♪ So I could perform for you ♪

♪ Look Ma, I made it ♪

♪ Hey Ma, I came through ♪

♪ When they turned up that spotlight ♪

♪ They cheered you-know-who ♪

♪ I flew over the rainbow ♪

♪ To that ol' Swanee shore ♪

♪ The mornin' after openin' night ♪

♪ A star was on my door ♪

♪ Hey Ma, I've still got it ♪

♪ And how nice it feels ♪

♪ To be out stealin' scenes, Ma ♪

♪ Instead of my meals ♪

♪ I've got the world on a string ♪

♪ Or so the song goes ♪

♪ Irving was right, there's
no business like showbiz ♪

♪ Look Ma, I made it ♪

♪ And though I'm a nun ♪

♪ I'll never forget, Ma ♪

♪ My day in the sun ♪

♪ You taught me a lesson ♪

♪ That I teach today ♪

♪ Always go for the gold ♪

♪ What more can I say ♪

Except,

once more for old times' sake.

♪ Turn up that spotlight ♪

♪ 'Cause when I've got light ♪

♪ I'm a barrel full of fun, here I come ♪

♪ I'm your right Reverend Mother ♪

♪ There isn't any other ♪

♪ Your right Reverend Mother ♪

♪ Not your sister or your brother ♪

♪ Your right Reverend Mother ♪

♪ Superior nun ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

(audience applauds)
(burlesque music)

(laughs) Whew! Ha, ho, ho, he, ho, whew!

(audience laughs)
(cartoon style music)

- Hi, Amnesia.
(audience laughs)

- How did you know it was me?

- [Leo] Your feet.
- [Amnesia] Oh.

- What are you doing up there?
- Hiding from the Franciscans.

- They're not here.
- Are you sure?

- Positive.
- [Amnesia] Okay.

- Oh, Sister Hubert,
the cleaners left these.

They said the church was locked.

- Oh, I haven't seen these
old Fiddlebacks in years.

You know, it's a shame
women can't become priests,

I look so festive in red (laughs).

(audience laughs)
- Let me see one.

(gasps) Ooh, lilac.
- [Hubert] What do ya' think?

- Ooh, that's snappy. How would I look?

- Go right ahead.

You know, it isn't fair.
Why can't we be priests?

- Well, the Pope said so.
- Is he a chauvinist?

- No, he's Polish.
(audience laughs)

- Well, Episcopal women can be priests.

I think we should start a protest.

- A protest?
- Yeah.

We're second-class citizens around here.

- Yeah.

- Why do we always have to answer to men?

- [Both] Yeah!

- Why be number two, when
you can be number one?

- Yeah!

- If we were priests, we'd have it made.

- [All] Yeah.

(upbeat polka music)

♪ You get up in the morning
and you say Mass at 8:00 ♪

♪ Then someone makes you breakfast
and before it's too late ♪

♪ You hop into your Cadillac
and drive to the links ♪

♪ You play 18 holes ♪

♪ Then grab 40 winks ♪

♪ Then you hear confessions
from 3:30 to 5:00 ♪

♪ Followed by martinis ♪

♪ To help you survive ♪

♪ Oops, it's time for dinner
and a moment to pray ♪

♪ Better get some sleep
before another big day ♪

♪ Who needs a barrel ♪

♪ When you wear apparel that's stunning ♪

♪ Who needs a Karol
Wojtyła to ruin the fun ♪

- That's the Pope's real name

♪ Won't it be thrilling ♪

♪ God willing that it will be done ♪

♪ So throw out the barrel ♪

♪ And polka til the padre's a nun ♪

(laughing)
(audience applauds)

(nuns laughing and cheering)

♪ Who needs a barrel ♪

♪ When you wear apparel that's stunning ♪

♪ Who needs a Karol Wojty-- ♪

- Ave Maria!
(audience applauds)

(audience laughs)

- What in the world is going on out here?

- I'm hearing confessions.
(audience laughs)

Anything you wanna get off your chest?

(audience laughs)

- Tokyo Rose calling Reverend Mother.

Tokyo Rose calling Reverend
Mother, come in, please.

- What is this, trick of treat?

You're worse than third-graders.

- Is this cool or what?

- Will you tell me what
happened with the Franciscans?

- Oh, yeah, yeah. Look, it's a little more

serious than we thought, but I think

I convinced 'em to leave Amnesia with us.

- Oh well, praise the Lord.
- But,

they want the prize money.

- What?
- what are you talking about?

- Well, yeah, they said
that since Sister Mary Paul

is a Franciscan, the
prize money is theirs.

- Isn't that great. They don't want me.

- Yeah, that's great. They don't want you.

(audience laughs)
They just want the mon--

- Oh goodness, she's gonna faint!

Someone get some water quickly!

Regina, easy now, easy, easy.

- [Amnesia] Sister Hubert,
I saw some back here.

Here we go.
- Thank you, dear, thank you.

Here, ya go. Here, take some.
- Oh.

- That's good.

- Oh. Hubert, what happened?
- You fainted, dear.

Have a little more.

That's good.
- What is that?

- What do you mean what is it? It's water.

- Taste it. It tastes awful.

- Mm. It must be well water.

- Hubert, what're we gonna
do? They want the, the money.

- Oh, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no. Here, drink, drink.

That's it. That's good. Yes.

- Hmm.
(audience laughs)

It's not so bad, once you get used to it.

- Really?
- Yeah, sorta (snaps)

perks you right up.

Doesn't it?
- I'll say.

- Hubert, what, oh, would you excuse us

just for a minute please.

We've got to solve this little problem.

And then, we'll get right
back to the program.

- Wait a minute, I got an idea!

- Oh, wait a minute, she's got an idea.

- What if we...

That's funny, it went right outta my head.

- [Reverend Mother] Hmm.
(audience laughs)

- You know, I'm startin'
to feel a little dizzy,

how 'bout you?

- Hmm, I feel divine.
- Are you sure?

- Am I sure? Is the bear Catholic?

Does the Pope poop in the woods?

(audience laughs)
(Reverend Mother laughing)

Oh, my goodness. I better
have some more of this.

- Oh, oh, wait a minute, wait
a minute. I remember my idea.

We can sell our story to the movies,

show 'em what a real Sister
act's all about, we'll be rich.

- Hubert, that is a
sennation, sensanisial,

it's a fabulous idea.
(audience laughs)

You know, that is such a good idea,

maybe you should be Mother Superior.

- You know what? Maybe I should (laughs).

- But you're not, Hubert,
your not. I am (laughs).

Oh, I can see it now.

There I am up on the screen,

and Louis B. Mayer is in the audience.

- Louis B. Mayer, he's dead.

- Is he still dead?
- Mm.

(audience laughs)
- Aww.

Well somebody screams, "Get that girl,

we'll make her a star."

- Oh, wait a minute now. This was my idea.

- Well, you don't have to whine.

I'll see to it that they give you a part.

Course, we're not gonna
play any o' those floozies.

After all, we're nuns (hiccups).

(audience laughs)
(lighthearted mid-tempo music)

♪ I wanna be cast like
the classic queens ♪

♪ Are cast on the silver screen ♪

♪ Like Elizabeth the first ♪

- Did you know she was bald?

♪ Oh, then maybe I'll play Josephine ♪

- You mean the plumber?
- No.

♪ I want a part with depth and meaning ♪

♪ A part that has real cachet ♪

♪ Hey, whadda ya think
of me as Cleopatra ♪

- Regina, I hate to
tell ya, but Cleopatra,

she was the greatest beauty of her day.

- Beauty lies in the
eyes of the beaheader.

(audience laughs)
Be

hodler.

- That's beholder.

- You hold her, you brought her.

(audience laughs)

♪ I wanna be cast like classic queens ♪

♪ Are cast on the silver screen ♪

♪ Oh maybe I could be Marie Antoinette ♪

♪ And I could drop the
guillotine (laughs) ♪

♪ That smarts (laughs) ♪

♪ I see myself as Helen of Troy ♪

♪ With a slimming gown and red lips ♪

♪ I'll be know all around the world ♪

♪ Well, the face that sank
1,000 ships (laughs) ♪

(audience laughs)
- Ooh, that was low-low.

- (laughs) I know.

♪ Say, you're one to talk,
you're not exactly what ♪

♪ They cast on a silver screen-screen ♪

♪ (groans) Whatever it
takes to be a star ♪

♪ Hey, would you play
a part that's obscene ♪

- Never.
- Ah.

- Like what?
(audience laughs)

♪ Like Lady Godiva riding
nude through the town ♪

♪ Would something cover up my chest ♪

♪ Your chest wasn't what
I was worried about ♪

♪ What are we gonna do
about the rest (laughs) ♪

- Hey Omar, you gotta
tent back there (laughs)?

- Aw.
(audience laughs)

That was a cheap shot.
- I know.

- Hubert, we've got no class.
- I know.

Aw, Gina, let's face it.

♪ We'll never be cast
like the classic queens ♪

♪ Are cast on the silver ♪

♪ Sc-Sc-Sc-Sc-Sc-Sc-Screen ♪

(audience applauds)
(both laughing drunkenly)

- Hey what's taking you... Holy cannoli,

- [Both] Hi, Robert Anne (laughing)

- What is that?
- Huh? Water.

- Water? That's Sake from Ishizowa.

- [Both] Oh, see their car
and buy a bar (laughing).

- [Robert Anne] Get the
lights off them, quick!

- [Both] Clap off, clap on (laughing).

- No, Leo! Amnesia! Get out
here, get them off the stage.

Just get them off, I'll explain later.

- You know what I always
say, I'd rather have

a bottle in front o' me than
a frontal lobotomy (laughs).

(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)

(upbeat music)

♪ As soon as you think
you've blown it all ♪

♪ And there isn't any place to crawl ♪

♪ You better try and overhaul ♪

♪ Your ending ♪

♪ A hat and a cane and an old soft-shoe ♪

♪ Is all we need for what's to ensue ♪

♪ It's how we'll spend a moment or two ♪

♪ Extending the ending ♪

♪ I can be as smooth as Ginger was ♪

♪ As divine as Adele Astaire ♪

♪ When we hear the orchestra ♪

♪ We suddenly become tres debonair ♪

♪ So come and catch a ride ♪

♪ As we step and kick
and step and then glide ♪

♪ To the rhythm and rhyme ♪

♪ It's a happy, gay time ♪

♪ It's true, so true ♪

♪ We want to send you up the aisle ♪

♪ Feeling great and sporting a smile ♪

♪ So what could be better for us to do ♪

♪ Than an authentic old soft-shoe ♪

♪ Do-De-De-Oo-Do-Do-Do-Do ♪

♪ Do-De-De-Oo-De-Oo-De-Oo-De-Do-Do ♪

♪ Do-Do-Do-Do-Do-Do-Do-Do-Do ♪

♪ With hats and canes and dancing feet ♪

♪ Who needs "42nd Street" ♪

♪ Do-Do-Do-Do-Do ♪

♪ Do-De-De-Oo-De-Oo-De-Oo-De-Do-Do ♪

♪ Do-Do-Do-Do-Do-Do-Do-Do ♪

♪ Your dance is 10, you look divine ♪

♪ Eat your heart out "Chorus Line" ♪

♪ It's true I wasn't ever
classically trained ♪

♪ But when those big bands howl ♪

♪ All I need's a hat and cane ♪

♪ And I can pass for Eleanor Powell ♪

♪ What's a show without
a hat and cane song ♪

♪ Erma Bombeck without wit ♪

♪ What's a Dick and
Sally without Jane song ♪

♪ A TV sensor without ♪

♪ What's a nun without a Nazi play song ♪

♪ (mumbling lyric) ♪

♪ What's a Kelly singing
with no rain song ♪

♪ We give up let's take this thing home ♪

- Take it home!

♪ In only 16 bars we're done ♪

♪ As we hit the final note in Act I ♪

♪ And on that note ♪

♪ We'd like to say you may quote ♪

♪ This song ♪

♪ We've had some highs ♪

♪ We've had some lows ♪

♪ The show must go on ♪

♪ Heaven knows ♪

♪ With the thrills and spills ♪

♪ That give us chills ♪

♪ In a fun-filled, nun-filled ♪

- Get 'em!

♪ Show ♪

(audience applauds)

(ominous music)

(audience applauds)

- Ah, we've been asked
to handle things out here

for just a few moments
while Reverend Mother

and Sister Hubert recite
the Act of Contrition.

(audience laughs)

Yeah, and drink a lot of black coffee.

So what should we do, you got any ideas?

- Why don't you do some
of your habit humor?

- Oh no, they saw that
at the benefit show,

they don't wanna see that again.

- You've got some new
ones, let's hear it. Yeah.

(audience applauds)
They want ya to do it, too.

- Oh, all right, I'll do
it, I'll do it, I'll do it.

- Okay come on, Amnesia.

They're probably ready for a refill.

- Okay. Oh, Robert Anne, break your legs.

(audience laughs)

- Okay, well, all right.

Of course, I was not
planning on doing this here,

so I'll need a second to
think a little bit here.

Let me see what we can
come up with (laughs).

Oh, I know, all right.

Let's start out with a little comment

on the economic situation, okay.

This is Sister Merrill Lynch.

(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)

(laughs) Oh, Let's think
here. Let me think.

Oh, all right, here we
go. All right, ready?

Eh, what's up, Your Holiness?

(audience laughs)
Bugs Nunny.

(audience laughs)

(laughs) Oh, this is a
good one for the kids here.

Teenage Mutant Nunja
Turtles, cowabunga, dude.

(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)

You know, this year, I got
assigned to the high school

Opportunity Room at Mount Saint Helen's.

You know what that is?

That's where you get sent

when no other Sister
can handle you (laughs).

Yeah, believe me, humor is the only way

we survive in there, right.

Well, that plus an
occasional karate chop. Hai!

(audience laughs)
Okay, here we go.

This is one of my fractured fairy tales.

All right, here we go.

La-la-la-la-la-la-- Say
what? You wanna climb up my--

Ooh, I don't think so (laughs).

(audience laughs)

Sister Rapunzel says, "Get a ladder."

(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)

Okay, oh all right. This
is my MTV veil, okay.

You'll like this.

This is Michael Jackson before

and after.
(audience laughs)

(audience applauds)

(laughs) Well, like I said, humor's

the only way we get by
around here sometimes.

Really though, I mean, there are days

if you can't laugh, you'd...

Take last week for instance.

I get this letter in the mail.

No return address, just a
little number up in the corner.

So I know right away,
it's from prison. Hmm.

Yeah, it says, "Dear Sister Bob,"

some of the guys like
to call me Sister Bob.

"Dear Sister Bob, I
hope that you are fine.

Things have not been goin' so good for me

since I left Mount Saint Helen's.

As a matter of fact, it's
been mostly downhill.

I recently got busted in Jersey City,

and I'm currently doing
three to five for auto theft.

But things are not all
bad," except for this.

"Things are not all bad.

My good buddy Vinny Prestapinni
just got sent down here,

and we have already met six other guys

from Mount Saint Helen's."
(audience laughs)

See, you gotta laugh, right?

Okay, this is my final impression here.

From the stage and the silver
screen, Nunset Boulevard.

(sweeping orchestral music)

I'm ready for my closeup Sister DeMille.

(audience applauds)

You know actually, I
have a little confession

to make here, I did not
invent the habit humor.

No, no. I learned it from my
good friend Annie, Annie Green.

We grew up together in
Brooklyn. You think I'm tough?

She used to open Coke bottles
with her teeth (laughs).

Yeah. Anyway she became a Sister
of Saint Joseph, you know.

And she used to do tricks
with her veils, well, hmm,

I wouldn't even attempt 'em, no way.

You know, when Saint Joe's
modernized their habits,

it kinda blew her whole act.
(audience laughs)

Hey, those girls there
now, they get so duded up,

you don't if you're talkin'
to a nun or the Avon lady.

(audience laughs)
Really (laughs).

Anyway, knowin' Annie the way that I did,

I figured that she would
be glad to get back

into her Calvin's and her
cowboy boots, you know.

I never thought that she
would take things so hard.

She got kind of attached
to the old gear, I guess.

Felt kind of

insecure without it.

I can relate.

Sort of like Linus and
his security blanket.

(slow piano music)

We all need our blankies
now and then, right?

It hurts when they take 'em away.

That was a tough break for Annie.

♪ When Annie Green was only 10 ♪

♪ She would ride the trolley car ♪

♪ To the moving picture show ♪

♪ And dream she was the star ♪

♪ Then one day at the movies ♪

♪ Something touched her soul ♪

♪ As she watched Audrey Hepburn ♪

♪ Annie changed her goal ♪

♪ Six years later she knelt in prayer ♪

♪ On a floor of polished stone ♪

♪ Promising herself
forever to one man alone ♪

♪ The robes of black and the veil ♪

♪ Received that day by Annie Green ♪

♪ Would forevermore
identify Sister Angeline ♪

♪ Angeline ♪

♪ Angeline ♪

♪ Then suddenly forever changed ♪

♪ And Annie lost her way ♪

♪ The truth that she was living by ♪

♪ Was changing every day ♪

♪ She lives in an apartment now ♪

♪ The convent closed last May ♪

♪ She often thinks of getting out ♪

♪ But something makes her stay ♪

♪ And stay ♪

♪ And stay ♪

♪ Every day at Vesper time ♪

♪ There is no Angeline ♪

♪ For there is no chapel in the house ♪

♪ Of Sister Annie Green ♪

♪ That's why Annie dreams a lot ♪

♪ Of when she was 16 ♪

♪ For dreaming makes it like it was ♪

♪ When she was Angeline ♪

♪ Angeline ♪

♪ Angeline ♪

♪ Angeline ♪

(audience applauds)

(ominous music)

(audience applauds)

- [Amnesia] Sister Robert Anne!

- And that is the--

- [Amnesia] Sister Robert Anne!

- Oh, what? What's the matter?

- [Amnesia] You gotta save
me! You gotta save me!

- Calm down now, Sister.
Save you from what?

- [Amnesia] The Franciscans, they're here.

They're backstage.
- [Robert Anne] What?

- [Amnesia] They're gonna take
me. They're gonna take me.

I know it. They're gonna take me.

- No, no, no, no, no, they're
not gonna take you, no.

(laughs) We made a deal, remember?

- No. I was hiding
backstage behind my bush.

I heard them say, "No deals."

- Well, we'll just see about that, now.

- And you know that 36-inch
screen you got for the VCR?

- What about it?

- Yeah, well Sister Brunhilde
put it in their station wagon.

She said, "Zey bought
zis mit the prize money,

und it's ours."
(audience laughs)

- She took my screen?
- [Amnesia] Yeah.

- Oh, let me at her!

- Maybe I shouldn'ta told
her about the screen.

"Zey bought zis mit the
prize money, und it's ours."

(ominous music)

You know, there's something
real familiar about that voice.

Oh no, maybe I really am a Franciscan.

(crashing)
(nuns shouting)

- You won't believe it.

Robert Anne just decked
one of the Franciscans.

- You know, they're the kind of nuns

that give nuns a bad name.

- Robert Anne, I agree that they need

to be taught some manners, but laying out

Sister Brunhilde's not
going to solve anything.

- Are they still here?

- No, no, they've gone
to get some ice packs,

but they'll be back.
Hubert, what am I gonna do?

- Well, maybe now is a good
time to tell Reverend Mother

about Robert's idea.
- What idea?

- Well, we realized there
are only two things in life

you can count on, and
that is death and taxes.

- We don't pay taxes.
- So what's left?

- Death!

- And who knows more
about dead people than us?

- Yeah! I mean, what
could be more logical?

We can make back the money

by offering our services to the dead.

- Robert Anne, this is no time

for one of year half-baked ideas.

Don't you realize our
little Carnival Cruise ship

is turning into the Titanic?

- The Titanic! That's full of dead people!

We could make a killing.

(audience laughs)

- Reverend Mother, I think
Robert's got a point.

- She's got a point all right,
but her veil covers it up.

(audience laughs)
- Robert Anne.

Now Regina, hear us out,
you may change your mind.

Now go over there and lie down.

- Lie down?
- Yeah.

Just lie down and pretend you're dead.

- What? What are we doing?
- Quiet, you're dead.

Ready, girls?
(organ dirge)

♪ Requiem aeternam ♪

♪ Dona eis Domine ♪

♪ In English means that ♪

♪ We're the nuns to come to when you go ♪

♪ If when you go you really want a show ♪

♪ You'll get a fond farewell ♪

♪ Off to heaven or to hell ♪

♪ If we're the nuns you
come to when you go ♪

♪ We're the nuns to come
to when you're gone ♪

♪ We need cash, you need Forest Lawn ♪

♪ No cash then be our guest ♪

♪ You can mastercharge eternal rest ♪

♪ We're the nuns to come
to when you're gone ♪

♪ Obedience and poverty are
vows you take perpetually ♪

♪ Chastity, we vow that, too ♪

♪ So you know we won't screw you ♪

- Robert!

♪ We're the nuns to come
to when you're gone ♪

♪ When you're gone ♪
♪ When you're gone ♪

♪ When you're gone ♪
♪ When you're gone ♪

♪ The casket's will be standardized ♪

♪ To drop in standard plots ♪

♪ Built to last like Tupperware ♪

♪ With lids that burp so nobody rots ♪

♪ We don't discriminate between ♪

♪ The simplest soul or
the grandest queen ♪

♪ And every box is trimmed in brass ♪

♪ Strong enough to protect your ass- ♪

♪ Sets ♪

♪ We're the nuns to come to when you go ♪

♪ Of course, when it's your turn ♪

♪ If cremation's your concern ♪

♪ Get to Sister Julia, and we
guarantee you'll burn, Whew ♪

♪ We're the nuns to come to when you go ♪

♪ If when you go you really want to know ♪

♪ That you'll be laid to rest ♪

♪ By the nuns who lay the best ♪

♪ We're the nuns to come to when you go ♪

♪ Go, go, go ♪

♪ We're the nuns to come
to when you're gone ♪

♪ When that final curtain's bein' drawn ♪

♪ Whew-Whew, whew-whew ♪

♪ When they read the final rites ♪

♪ You'll rest in peace
with flashing lights ♪

♪ Your friends will say it's heaven when ♪

♪ Embalm your partner, do-si-do ♪

♪ Wave goodbye, and down you go ♪

♪ You're gone ♪

♪ Yippee ♪

(audience applauds)
(nuns laughing)

- What do you think, huh Rev?

- I think it's absolutely ridiculous.

(phone rings)
(nuns bickering)

Oh, now what?

- Mount Saint Helen's? Yes, it is. No!

- What's the matter?

- Do you know where Sister Julia is?

- Yes, I certainly do.

She's over at the convent making some

batter-fried chicken for
us to eat after the show.

- No. She's in jail.

- [All] Jail?
- What?

- She thought you said, "Fry
some battered chickens."

And the cops just caught her
down at the Hoboken Hatchery

slapping the bejesus outta one
of their prize layin' hens.

- Oh, Hubert!
- Oh, don't look at me!

- They want us to come bail her out.

- Oh, I'll go, I'll go!

- What do you mean you'll go?

You don't even know how to drive.

- Oh, I forgot!
(audience laughs)

- Robert Anne, you'll have to drive her.

- Rev, couldn't you do it? I
could fill in for you then.

- Don't start, Robert.
- Come on, Amnesia.

Leo, you come too.
- Aw, take me now.

First the Franciscans, now Julia!

What are we gonna do, Hubert?

- What's this we stuff, kemosabe?

(audience laughs)

You're the Mother Superior,
'member? I'm only number two.

- You know I've always
considered you my equal.

- Take cover folks, her
nose is startin' to grow.

(audience laughs)
- Now stop that!

This is serious.
- Oh, I know, I know.

I'd love to help you out but,
(bouncy uptempo music)

♪ Hey, what can I do ♪

♪ They're gunning for you ♪

♪ Do you think I'm gonna get dismissed ♪

♪ When the Bishop finds out, he'll be-- ♪

♪ Whoa yeah, he's gonna yell ♪

♪ Oh he'll be, it'll be hell ♪

♪ All that money, down the drain ♪

♪ You won't get penance, you'll get pain ♪

♪ If this were 1962, I'd
know exactly what to do ♪

- 1962? What does 1962
have to do with anything?

♪ I'd get my beehive off the shelf ♪

♪ And put it on, and ask myself ♪

(doo-wop music)

♪ What would Elvis do ♪
(audience laughs)

♪ If he were in my shoes ♪

♪ Would he stay and fight ♪

♪ Or would he sing the blues ♪

♪ Oh, what would Elvis ♪

♪
Shoo-woppa-doo-woppa-shoo-woppa-doo-woppa-doo
♪

♪ Ow, oh, ow, what would Elvis do ♪

♪ If he felt in his soul ♪

♪ That someone done him wrong ♪

♪ Would he still rock 'n' roll ♪

♪ Oh, what, what would Elvis ♪

♪
Shoo-woppa-doo-woppa-shoo-woppa-doo-woppa-doo
♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, tell me,
tell me, tell me true ♪

♪ What would Elvis Presley do ♪

♪ Would he throw his "Blue Suede Shoes" ♪

♪ At those Franciscan "Hound Dog" shrews ♪

♪ Or would he simply take control ♪

♪ With his guitar and rock 'n' roll ♪

♪ Oh, tell me, tell me
what the king would do ♪

♪ Elvis, we're dependin' on you ♪

♪ What would Elvis do ♪

♪ If he were in my shoes ♪

♪ He would stay and fight ♪

♪ Before he'd sing the blues ♪

♪ That, oh yes that's, what he would do ♪

♪ Ooh-Hoo-Hoo-Hoo ♪

(audience applauds)

- Thank you, thank you very much.

Hubert, we're so good,
those eighth-graders

could've used us in their Crisco show.

- How many times I gotta tell you,

it's "Grease, Grease, Grease, Grease."

- Oh, "Grease."
- not Crisco, not Vaseline.

- I meant, "Grease." Oh, here they are.

Robert Anne, what happened
with Sister Julia?

- Oh, don't worry, we got her out.

- [Reverend Mother] Oh, thank the Lord.

- The desk sergeant owed me one.

- I'm not gonna touch that.
(audience laughs)

- Reverend Mother, we
have a surprise for you.

- No please, not another surprise.

I can take anything but another surprise.

- Oh, but you're gonna love this.

- Reverend Mother, we know that

you've been having a very difficult time.

And I thought, if we could cheer you up,

it might help you figure out what to do.

- Well, that's awfully
sweet of you, Sister Leo,

but I don't think being
cheerful will help right now.

- Well, it couldn't hurt.
Now you just sit there.

Brother Michael?

(solemn piano music)

♪ When the bill collector comes to call ♪

♪ And you haven't got a dime ♪

♪ When you fill the hill that lies ahead ♪

♪ Is a mountain too tall to climb ♪

♪ Just think back when you were small ♪

♪ Go back to your childhood ♪

♪ And remember the
lessons that we learned ♪

♪ From "The Little Engine That Could" ♪

♪ Now like that little engine
we must figure out a plan ♪

♪ And like that little engine
we must say, "I think I can" ♪

♪ I think I can, I think I can ♪

♪ I think I can, I think I can ♪

♪ Oh no, I can't, oh, yes you can ♪

♪ I think I can, I think I can ♪

♪ I know I can, I know I can ♪
(music speeding up)

♪ I know I can, I know I can ♪

♪ I can-can, oh yes, I can-can ♪

♪ Oh yes, I will because ♪

♪ I can-can-can-can-can-can-can-can ♪

♪ We can-can, we know we can-can ♪

♪ And we will triumph 'cause we have ♪

♪ The will and know that
we can dance (laughing) ♪

(nuns cheering)
(can-can music)

♪ Yes ♪

♪ We ♪

♪ Can ♪

♪ Whew ♪

(audience applauds)
(nuns whooping)

- That was simply electrifying!

- Shocking is more like it (laughs).

- Oh Regina, Lent's over,

roll back the rock and live (laughs).

(audience laughs)
- You know, as I recall,

when they rolled back
that rock, the cupboard

was bare (laughs), but
it's not gonna be for long.

- What do you mean?
- Here, come here and help me

with this, Hubert.
- What are you up to now?

- Amnesia!
- [Amnesia] What?

- Would you bring me that book now, dear?

I've got an idea.

- Remember what happened
with that last book.

- Oh, yeah, she got fined
for selling poison recipes.

- That, she remembers.
(audience laughs)

Well, this is different. I've
checked this one out myself.

Now you know, when I was in the circus,

I used to watch the barkers.

And do you wanna know the one
lesson I learned from them?

- There's a sucker born
every minute (laughs)?

- We've been here over an
hour, so we have at least 60.

(audience laughs)

- Now stop that, both of you. No.

The one lesson I learned
from the barkers was,

if you've got something
to sell, people will buy.

And ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls,

I've got something to
sell! And here it is!

You say it looks like an ordinary book.

Well, you're half-right, it 'tis a book,

but it's hardly ordinary.
It is extraordinary.

This is the greatest little
book in all the world.

You got this little book, you
don't need any other book.

"What is it," you say?

Well I'm about to tell
ya, keep your pants on.

Boys and girls, ladies and gentlemen,

I am talkin' about the one, the only

"Catholic Guide to Gift Giving!"

(audience laughs)

- The what?

- "Catholic Guide to Gift
Giving," did I stutter?

How many times have you found yourself

runnin' around in circles tryin' to find

that one special gift for
that one special person?

Well, run no more.

This little book is gonna
solve all your problems.

- Well, what if you're not Catholic?

- Aw, Sister Hubert,
Reverend Mother's Catholic.

(audience laughs)

- But, even if I weren't,
it wouldn't be a problem.

- You could be a Reverend
Mother and not be Catholic?

(audience laughs)

- Why don't you just look

at the pretty pictures, little lady.

(audience laughs)
- I was about to say that

this book has a special section
for our non-Catholic friend.

It's over here in the back somewhere.

Now I know you're just
dying to find out about

what we have to offer, so
why don't we jump right in.

- Why stop now (laughs)?
- All right.

First of all, I know you're gonna

want to order our convent classic.

From our kitchen to yours, you
asked for it, and you got it,

it's the Create Your
Own Pasta Madonna kit!

(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)

Have you ever seen anything so unusual?

- She's so, um, um, al dente.
- Mm.

Hand crafted from over 40
different kinds of noodles.

- Yeah, with some
assembly required (laughs)

(audience laughs)

- Thank you, dear.

Now when you wanna show someone you care,

here is just a lovely gift.

Look at this. It's an autographed
picture of Saint Anthony.

It's an eight by 10
glossy. And it's signed,

"I found a friend. Love, Tony of Padua."

These are relics, friends.
(audience laughs)

Only 50 of these left,
so hurry, hurry, hurry.

- Oh what's this? Are your
children possessed by the devil?

(laughs) The answer to
all your problems is

our new Home-Exorcism Video (laughs).

Oh, it comes complete with holy water,

two cans of pea soup, and 14 famous quotes

from the devil including,
"Your mother eats--"

- Hubert!
- What? What?

(audience laughs)

- We get the idea.

- (gasps) Oh, look at all the
cute little Easter bunnies.

- Well, what could be more fun for Easter

than your very own Last
Supper in solid chocolate?

(audience laughs)

- Oh yeah, and it says the
apostles can be separated so you

can eat one apostle at a time
or all 12 at once (laughs).

(audience laughs)

- I just like to bite
their little heads off.

(audience laughs)

- Folks, don't miss your chance

to get a-head for the holidays

with your very own John the
Baptist party platter (laughs).

(audience laughs)

It includes seven decorative veils,

and 14 pounds of Salome (laughs).

- Isn't that salami?

- Work with me on this,
Hubert, work with me.

(audience laughs)

- Look at this man floating in the air.

- Well now, you just have
to see this to believe it.

It's your own Ascension
Thursday Levitation Kit.

(audience laughs)

Amaze your friends, rise up
to 20 feet with no wires.

(audience laughs)
Comes with 200 AA batteries.

Whew (laughs)!
(audience laughs)

- Oh, I want this, Bernadette
of Lourdes Bubble Bath!

- Oh yes, and for those who
want to pray in the shower,

we have Pope on a Rope (laughs).

(audience laughs)
(Reverend Mother laughing)

(audience applauds)

- Now Hubert,
- Hmm?

- have you ever seen a fat saint? Never!

So look at this, finally
the secret is revealed.

Our Lady of Fatima Diet Drinks.

The next time you make an appearance,

your friends will say,
"It's a miracle," (laughs).

(audience laughs)

- You know Reverend Mother,

I got something that I think, well,

maybe you could sell in this catalog.

- Oh you do?
- Yeah.

- Dare I ask?
- Yeah, go for it.

- What is it, dear?

- It's beautiful, Reverend
Mother. I made it myself.

It was the prize for the Bingo game, yeah,

but something went wrong.
(audience laughs)

It's really beautiful, Reverend
Mother. It's a painting.

It's a painting on velvet.
(audience laughs)

I call it The Knights of
Columbus Discovering America.

Ta-da!
(audience laughs)

- Well Amnesia, where are the
people? Where are the boats?

- It's night!
(audience laughs)

- She did it to me again.

- [Leo] The Franciscans are
back! The Franciscans are back!

- The Franciscans, uh-oh!

- I'm right behind you, Hubert.

- Nothing's been decided yet, hey!

Reverend Mother, hey!

Oh, hey!

Hey.
(audience laughs)

Brother Michael, it's showtime (laughs).

(uptempo bouncy music)

♪when I was a kid all I heard was ♪

♪ "She's hopeless, lock her
up, put her in the zoo" ♪

♪ I heard that until I met until
I met Sister Rose Francis ♪

♪ She said that none of that was true ♪

♪ She said that each
one of us was unique ♪

♪ With something unique to achieve ♪

♪ She said that each one
of us could be special ♪

♪ And somehow she made me believe it ♪

♪ That's when I knew I could have it all ♪

♪ All that I'm allowed ♪

♪ That's when I knew there
was more for me in life ♪

♪ Than my old crowd ♪

♪ Whether it's easy or
whether it's rough ♪

♪ There isn't a thing I won't try ♪

♪ And I'm havin' a ball ♪

♪ 'Cause I want it all ♪

♪ There's more than one nun who can fly ♪

♪ Rev thinks all I wants the spotlight ♪

♪ And a spot in one ♪

♪ And people back in my old neighborhood ♪

♪ Still can't believe I'm a nun ♪

♪ Hey, I won't lie, I love getting high ♪

♪ On the laughter and
lights and applause ♪

♪ And I'm often undone
by the fact that a nun ♪

♪ Should be living a life without flaws ♪

♪ That's a hopeless cause ♪

♪ 'Cause I've learned life
is more than starring parts ♪

♪ Spotlights and applause ♪

♪ Life is more than my
old gang acting cool ♪

♪ Out breakin' laws ♪

♪ I grew up strippin' cars ♪

♪ Hangin' in bars ♪

♪ Beating the odds everyday ♪

♪ But deep down inside
there's nowhere to hide ♪

♪ The fact that when I learned to pray ♪

♪ I found a way to give in, give up ♪

♪ Give it all I got,
give and give some more ♪

♪ That's when I began to realize ♪

♪ What my life was for ♪

♪ When I touch a kid's soul ♪

♪ It makes me feel whole ♪

♪ There isn't much more I can say ♪

♪ Let me tell you I'm blessed ♪

♪ If you haven't guessed ♪

♪ Everything's goin' my way ♪

♪ I am here to stay ♪

(audience applauds)

So what happened with the Franciscans?

- Well, Regina's trying to
convince 'em to give us a break.

You know, I have seen serial killers

with more compassion than these two.

- All we can do is hope.

- Yeah but we still have
all these really nice

people out here waiting to be entertained.

- Not to mention a talent scout.

Have toe shoes will travel (laughs).

And tutu, too (laughs).

- So what should we do-do-do?

- [Amnesia] We could all
sing! I know a convent song!

- Amnesia, come outta
the woods, it's safe.

- (laughs) Amnesia, how does it go?

- How does what go?

- I know a convent song.

- Oh, you know one, too?
(audience laughs)

How does yours go?

- Amnesia, why don't you just start yours,

and we'll follow you, all right?

- Okay, yeah.

Oh, well, I don't know if Reverend Mother

would like this song.

- Oh, hey, guess what?

Reverend Mother isn't here,

so I wouldn't worry about it, go ahead.

- Okay. Brother Michael,
let's do that song.

(upbeat happy music)

♪ Oh dear, what a catastrophe ♪

♪ Seven Dominicans locked in a lavatory ♪

♪ They were there from
Sunday to Saturday ♪

♪ Nobody knew they were there ♪

(audience laughs)
(nuns laughing)

- That is really funny (laughs).

Oh listen, it should be
the Franciscans locked

in there though, right?
- [Amnesia] Good idea!

- And how 'bout if the
whole audience sings along

on the chorus, okay?
- Yeah.

- [Robert Anne] Sing it again
so they can get the words.

- Ready, everybody.

♪ Oh dear, what a catastrophe ♪

♪ Seven Franciscans locked in a lavatory ♪

♪ They were there from
Sunday to Saturday ♪

♪ Nobody knew they were there ♪

- Me first, me first.

♪ First was the novice
named Sister Roselyn ♪

♪ She prided herself on being so thin ♪

♪ But when she sat down
the poor dear fell in ♪

♪ And nobody knew she was there ♪

♪ Oh dear, what a catastrophe ♪

♪ Seven Franciscans locked in a lavatory ♪

♪ They were there from
Sunday to Saturday ♪

♪ Nobody knew they were there ♪

- Take it!

♪ The next was the gym
teacher Big Sister Myrtle ♪

♪ Hopped over the door
like steeplechase hurdle ♪

♪ Her glasses got caught on
the stays of her girdle ♪

♪ And nobody knew she was there ♪

♪ Oh dear, what a catastrophe ♪

♪ Seven Franciscans locked in a lavatory ♪

♪ They were there from
Sunday to Saturday ♪

♪ Nobody knew they were there ♪

♪ Sister Patrice was the
organist's daughter ♪

♪ She went into to pass
some superfluous water ♪

♪ But while she was flushing
the rising tide caught her ♪

♪ And nobody knew she was there ♪

The surf's up!

♪ Oh dear, what a catastrophe ♪

♪ Seven Franciscans locked in a lavatory ♪

♪ They were there from
Sunday to Saturday ♪

♪ Nobody knew they were there ♪

♪ In a race against time
there was old Sister Joel ♪

♪ Who flew in so fast,
she was out of control ♪

♪ The seat was left up,
and she slid in the bowl ♪

♪ And nobody knew she was there ♪

♪ Oh dear, what a catastrophe ♪

♪ Seven Franciscans locked in a lavatory ♪

♪ They were there from
Sunday to Saturday ♪

♪ Nobody knew they were there ♪

(music stops)

- They want everything.

Including you, Amnesia.

- Oh, no.

This is awful.

- The Lord giveth, and
the Lord taketh away.

(sad piano music)

- Blessed be the name of the Lord.

- [All] Blessed be the name of the Lord.

♪ Your eyes are sad,
your heads are bowed ♪

♪ It's hard to say these things out loud ♪

♪ But every word is clear to me ♪

♪ I know I must go willingly ♪

♪ Sometimes we can't understand ♪

♪ The pathways that the Lord has planned ♪

♪ Though I must do what I must do ♪

♪ I'll always share a part of you ♪

♪ Your warm embraces make me strong ♪

♪ So I've got strength to carry on ♪

♪ I'm not asking you for more ♪

♪ Than what you've given ♪

♪ Don't feel sorry ♪

♪ Take the love I have for you ♪

♪ We'll do what we have to do ♪

♪ And everyday I'll think of you ♪

♪ 'Cause no one ever
cared the way you do ♪

♪ I know I'm not special ♪

♪ I'm one of the crowd ♪

♪ But what I feel is special ♪

♪ That's all I'm allowed ♪

♪ Don't be sad, I understand ♪

♪ I know you've all done what you can ♪

♪ But no one has a right to more ♪

♪ There's nothing else I'm asking for ♪

♪ Your warm embraces make me strong ♪

♪ So I've got strength to carry on ♪

♪ I'm not asking you for more ♪

♪ Than what you've given ♪

♪ Don't feel sorry ♪

♪ Take the love I have for you ♪

♪ We'll do what we have to do ♪

♪ And everyday I'll think of you ♪

♪ 'Cause no one ever cared ♪

♪ Take the love I have for you ♪

♪ We'll do what we have to do ♪

♪ And everyday I'll think of you ♪

♪ 'Cause no one ever
cared the way you do ♪

♪ No one ever cared ♪

♪ The way you do ♪

♪ No one cared ♪

♪ Like ♪

♪ You ♪

(audience laughs)

- Are you all right?

- S'alright.
(audience laughs)

- S'alright.

- S'alright.
(audience laughs)

- S'alright.

- Don't tell me she's lost her mind again.

- Do you remember who you are?

- "Zey bought zis mit the
prize money, und it's ours."

That voice!

- [Reverend Mother] What voice?

- That voice, that voice!

- What are you talkin about that voice?

- What's going on here?

- I don't know. What does
she mean by, "That voice?"

- Folks, you'll have to excuse us just a--

- Oh, what is this? I can't believe this.

- Oh, Lord.

- What's that?

(nuns screaming)
(crashing)

- What happened?

- Oh, those were really
nuns on the run, hey.

- I can't believe the way
you flipped the fat one.

- Will someone tell me
what's going on here?

- Oh Reverend Mother, you're
never gonna believe it.

- I knew, I knew I
heard that voice before.

- What voice?

- Sister Brunhilde's! But
I couldn't remember where.

And then it hit me, well the house hit me.

And then I realized, I realized

that it was the voice on the telephone.

It was Mr. Prestapinni!

- That Health Inspector?

- Yes, Sister Brunhilde
is Mr. Prestapinni,

the Health Inspector.
- No, I don't believe that.

Are you sure?

- Hey, go look for yourself.

Who could make up a story like this?

- I knew I wasn't a Franciscan,
I look terrible in brown.

(audience laughs)

- But why?

- Because brown is an earth tone,

I look better in cool colors.

(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)

- No, why did Mr. Prestapinni do this?

- It was revenge, revenge
for expelling his son Vinny.

You know he wanted to get us legally

with the four Sisters in the freezer,

but the prize money took
care of that (laughs).

- His partner was at the benefit,
and he heard you say that

Amnesia might be a Franciscan,
so they cooked up this plan.

- Oh, they did?

- Oh, there is one bit
of bad news, though.

There never was a talent scout.

Prestapinni just sent you that telegram

to divert your attention.

- No talent scout.
- Hoboken, here we stay.

- But you still have me.
(audience laughs)

- Yes, we still have you,
and if we still have you,

we still have the prize
money. We're rich. Again!

(organ hymnal music)

♪ Gloria in excelsis Deo ♪

- Hubert, you should've
known that real Franciscans

would never do anything so underhanded.

- I should-- Dopey, me (laughs).

(audience laughs)

- Hey, this means we can
keep our 36-inch screen.

- And the VCR.

- And I helped!
- Oh, you certainly did.

And it means I can send off
for that ThighMaster (laughs).

(audience laughs)

- We can sing a special thank
you prayer for that (laughs).

(audience laughs)

I mean for this, the happy
ending, I mean, you know.

And when you say that
special thank you prayer,

there's just one thing you must remember.

- Well, what's that, Hubert?
(uptempo piano music)

♪ A musical ends with a curtain call ♪

♪ And a final bow ♪

♪ The summer ends when
the field turns brown ♪

♪ And you put away the plow ♪

♪ But when you say that prayer ♪

♪ To thank the Lord for
all that he has done ♪

♪ If you look for ways
to end your prayer ♪

♪ You'll find just one ♪

♪ There's only one way
to end your prayers ♪

♪ And that's to say, "Amen" ♪

♪ There's only one way
to end your prayers ♪

♪ And that's to say, "Amen" ♪

♪ Listen up, I'll tell ya true ♪

♪ So long, Savior, just won't do ♪

♪ If you want to end your prayers ♪

♪ Say, "Amen" ♪

♪ There's only one way
to end your prayers ♪

♪ And that's to say, "Amen" ♪

♪ There's only one way
to end your prayers ♪

♪ And that's to say, "Amen" ♪

♪ Listen now to what I say ♪

♪ Hallelujah ain't the way ♪

♪ When it comes to ending prayers ♪

♪ Say, "Amen" ♪

♪ When you end a call you say, "Goodbye" ♪

♪ End a meal with a piece of pie ♪

♪ A New Year's Eve can end a year ♪

♪ A game can end with a final cheer ♪

♪ But the byes and the
pies, and years and cheers ♪

♪ Simply don't work when ♪

♪ You want to end your prayers ♪

♪ Say, "Amen" ♪

- Help me out, Regina.

♪ There's only one way
to end your prayers ♪

♪ And that's to say, "Amen" ♪

♪ There's only one way
to end your prayers ♪

♪ And that's to say, "Amen" ♪

♪ Now I'm tellin' you the truth today ♪

♪ Mascara ended Tammy Faye ♪

♪ She didn't know just when ♪

♪ To say, "Amen" ♪

♪ Just say, "Amen" ♪

♪ Aw, say, "Amen" ♪

♪ You gotta say, "Amen" ♪

♪ Say it again ♪

♪ You gotta say, "Amen" ♪

♪ Oh, one mo' time ♪

♪ You gotta say, "Amen" ♪

♪ There's only one way
to end your prayers ♪

♪ And that's to say, "Amen" ♪

♪ There's only one way
to end your prayers ♪

♪ And that's to say, "Amen" ♪

♪ Now if Eve had only told that snake ♪

♪ "Keep your apple, I'll eat cake" ♪

♪ We'd live in Eden then ♪

♪ We'd say, "Amen" ♪

♪ Now you can end a circus with a clown ♪

♪ Beauty pageants end with crowns ♪

♪ A rain can end a ton of fun ♪

♪ When the barbecue has just begun ♪

♪ But a ton of fun and clowns and crowns ♪

♪ Simply don't work when ♪

♪ You want to end your prayers ♪

♪ You gotta say, "Amen" ♪

♪ You gotta say, "Amen" ♪

♪ Oh say, "Amen" ♪

♪ You gotta say, "Amen" ♪

♪ Whoa say, "Amen" ♪

♪ You gotta say, "Amen" ♪

♪ Whoa say, "Amen" ♪

♪ You gotta say, "Amen" ♪

- All right, good people, I'm startin'

to feel the Spirit, yes I am.

And I want you to feel the Spirit, too.

Now, can I have an, "Amen!"

- [Audience] Amen!

- Thank you, Jesus!

All right, now what we're gonna do now,

we're gonna ask each of
you to give us an, "Amen."

For the sisters, you're
gonna give us an, "Amen."

Then we're gonna ask for
an, "Amen" from the brothers

and the fathers you're
gonna give us an, "Amen."

But when we get to the
mothers, we want you to say,

"Amen" twice, because every
mother out there knows,

they never hear you the first time.

(audience laughs)

All right, good people, here we go!

♪ Let's have "Amen" for the sisters ♪

♪ Amen ♪

♪ And "Amen" for the brothers ♪

♪ Amen ♪

♪ Yeah, "Amen" for the fathers ♪

♪ Amen ♪

♪ Whoa, "Amen" for the mothers ♪

♪ Amen, Amen ♪

♪ Well once more for the sisters ♪

♪ Amen ♪

♪ Yeah, "Amen" for the brothers ♪

♪ Amen ♪

♪ "Amen" for the fathers ♪

♪ Amen ♪

♪ Oh, "Amen" for the mothers ♪

♪ Amen, Amen ♪

♪ Well, one way, one way, one way ♪

♪ You gotta say, "Amen" ♪

♪ Hafta say, "Amen" ♪

♪ One way, one way,
that's to say, "Amen" ♪

♪ Now if Eve had only told the snake ♪

♪ "Keep your apple, I'll eat cake" ♪

♪ If Lucifer had listened well ♪

♪ We'd go to heaven, not to hell ♪

♪ Hallelu, so long, goodbye ♪

♪ None of these will satisfy ♪

♪ When you want to end your prayers ♪

Go to church, girls!

♪ You gotta say, "Amen,"
You gotta say, "Amen" ♪

♪ You gotta say, "Amen,"
You gotta say, "Amen" ♪

♪ "Amen, Amen, Amen, Amen, Amen, Amen" ♪

♪ You gotta say ♪

♪ "Amen" ♪

♪ There's only one way ♪

♪ You got to say, "Amen" ♪

(audience applauds)

(nuns laughing)

(uptempo music)

♪ Nunsense ♪

♪ It's a magic word ♪

♪ We're here to make you smile ♪

♪ And Nunsense ♪

♪ We know we've done our job ♪

♪ When the atmosphere
is filled with cheer ♪

♪ And you're all grinning ear to ear ♪

♪ Smiles make it all worthwhile ♪

(audience applauds)
(audience cheering)

(uptempo polka music)

- It's a wrap. You can take
your hand outta my dress now.