Nunsense (1993) - full transcript

(light gentle music)
(birds chirping)

(bell ringing)

- [Everyone] In the name of the Father,

and of the Son, and the Holy Spirit, amen.

- Bless us O Lord and these thy gifts

we are about to receive from thy bounty,

through Christ our Lord.

- [Everyone] Amen.

(light perky music)

(suspenseful music)
(utensils clanking)

(nun screaming)



(people chattering)

- How are you?

- [Older Gentleman] Good.

- Hello, welcome.

Welcome to Mount Saint Helen's.

Good to see everyone.
- This is so exciting.

- [Hubert] Hope you're
gonna enjoy the show.

- Oh, oh, listen, Reverend
Mother is right behind me

and I was hoping that
you could all help out.

Put her in a good mood,
because believe me,

there's nothing worse than
a crabby Reverend Mother!

You know what I mean?

(audience laughing)

So how 'bout this.



When she comes in, everybody stands up

and we all do the Mount Saint
Helen's cheer, all right?

It goes like this: Woo,
woo, woo, woo, woo!

(audience laughing)

I knew you could handle it.

Just like on the Father
Arsenio Hall show, right?

Let's everybody practice
on the count of three.

Ready, one, two, three!

- [Everybody] Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo!

- Yes!

Oh excellente, beautiful, beautiful.

Okay, just sorta keep your eye over there.

What, she's coming!

- [Brother Michael] Folks she's here!

Here she is, our own Reverend
Mother Sister Mary Regina!

- All right, stand up, come on!

- [Everybody] Woo, woo,
woo, woo, woo, woo, woo!

Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo!

(audience applauding)

- Woo, woo, woo!

Sister, Sister!

Sister!

Robert Anne!
(upbeat music)

(Regina laughing)

- Reverend Mother, we're not finished!

- Oh you're finished all right.

Let's hear it for the band!

Good, good.

Are we ready Hubert?

- Oh, where's Sister Amnesia?

- Sister Amnesia!
- Oh Amnesia.

- Sister!
- Where is--

- [Reverend Mother] I see her,

I see her hiding backstage.

Come on dear.

Amnesia.

Come on dear.

Nothing to be afraid of.

Come on, come on.

No it's normal.
(audience laughing)

Come on, come on.

They won't bite ya.

We're all friends here.

Just have a little seat
next to Robert Anne.

She's a little nervous.

She's just a big mess is what she is!

(audience laughing)

Are we ready now?

- Yes we're ready now.

- Right.

(clicker clicking)

Oh, brings back memories does it?

Dear, could I have a
little light please Sister?

Yes, right here in the middle.

No, here dear.

Right here, follow my voice.

There!

Stop!

Good!

Sister Mary Myopia.
(audience laughing)

Our archery instructor.

Sister Brendan, can you
see me all right dear?

Am I in the light?

Yes.

All right then.

Well, good evening, friends.

- [Everyone] Good evening Sister.

- Oh, we can really train 'em can't we?

On behalf of the Little
Sisters of Hoboken,

I'd like to say welcome to the theater

of Mount Saint Helen's School.

And I'd like extend our gratitude to each

and everyone of you for
showing up here this evening

to participate in our
fund-raising activities.

Now, before we begin, I'd like to clear up

what seems to be some small
confusion about the set here.

You see, our eighth graders are

putting on the musical "Vaseline" and--

(audience laughing)

- It's "Grease."

- What?

- "Grease."

- What is?
- "Grease."

- [Hubert] "Grease."

- Oh, it's "Grease!"

It's "Grease."

Anyway,

I promised the children
that we would not interfere

with their handiwork during our benefit,

so that's why things may seem
a little incongruous at times.

Now, we have a wonderful
introductory number for you,

but before we begin, let's ask the Lord

to bless our endeavors.

Sister Robert Anne, if you will.

(slow paced music)

(singing in foreign language)

(upbeat music)

♪ Woo ♪

♪ Woo ♪

♪ Woo ♪

♪ Some folks think of convents ♪

♪ As the places where we pray ♪

♪ But let us tell you convents ♪

♪ Are much more than that today ♪

♪ We're dedicated people ♪

♪ But we like to have our fun ♪

♪ We're here tonight to share with you ♪

♪ The humor of the nun ♪

♪ Nunsense is habit-forming ♪

♪ Let us tell you why ♪

♪ When a Sister gets applause ♪

♪ It's a special high ♪

♪ There is nothing we can do ♪

♪ Once we get a laugh or two ♪

♪ It's something we cannot control ♪

♪ Once we're on a roll ♪

♪ Have you heard the one about ♪

♪ The traveling salesnun ♪

♪ Who really drew a crowd ♪

♪ It seems this farmer had a horse ♪

♪ Rather well endowed ♪

♪ Sister ♪

♪ Nunsense may be habit-forming ♪

♪ But let's draw the line ♪

♪ Cut the cheap shots ♪

♪ Why be common ♪

♪ We can be divine ♪

♪ Everybody's here so let's
tell them who we are ♪

♪ This is Sister Robert Anne ♪

♪ She sings and drives the car ♪
(imitates horn honking)

♪ Sister Mary Amnesia ♪

♪ Doesn't know her real name ♪

♪ A crucifix fell on her head ♪

♪ Her memory's gone, what a shame ♪

♪ Sister Hubert is our novice mistress ♪

♪ And the guiding light ♪

♪ She's second in command ♪

♪ And stands at Reverend Mother's right ♪

♪ Sister Leo is the youngest ♪

♪ As a novice, she's brand new ♪

♪ And I'm your Reverend Mother ♪

♪ Sister Mary Regina, that's who ♪

♪ Ooh yeah ♪

♪ Nunsense is habit-forming ♪

♪ That's what people say ♪

♪ We're here to prove that nuns are fun ♪

♪ Perhaps a bit risque ♪

♪ We still wear our habits ♪

♪ To retain our magic spell ♪

♪ And though we're on our way heaven ♪

♪ We're here to raise some hell ♪

♪ Sell it girls ♪

♪ Nunsense is habit-forming ♪

♪ That's the reason we are ♪

♪ Up here on the stage tonight ♪

♪ Hoping you'll agree ♪

♪ Nunsense is habit-forming ♪

♪ We're hooked, and all we know is ♪

♪ We just can't kick it ♪

♪ Though some folks may picket ♪

♪ We just can't kick ♪

♪ This "Nunsense" so on ♪

♪ With the show ♪

(audience applauding)

- Thank you, thank you very much.

Now, in case there's someone here

who doesn't know what our
little fundraiser is all about,

well we had a small disaster
back at the convent.

You see, a short while ago, our cook,

Sister Julia, Child of God,

(audience laughing)

made some vichyssoise soup

and nearly every one of our sisters

died instantly of botulism.

- It was kind of like the "Last Supper!"

(everyone laughing)

That's a little convent humor.

- Well we wouldn't be here tonight

if we hadn't been off playing bingo

with some Maryknolls.

That's true.

- What a bunch of cut-throats
they turned out to be.

I think their Mother Superior cheated

when she didn't call B-15!

- Well I thought--

- Well that's I need was a B-15.

I would've cleaned right up.
- Now don't get your

- [Mary] knickers in a twist.

Just calm down.
(audience laughing)

- I forgive her.

- Well that's big of ya.

The point is when we
got back to the convent

we found 52 of our sisters
lying face down in that soup!

- We had no idea what to do

so we all began praying for guidance.

- And then I had a vision!

Now, it was either Saint
Catherine of Siena--

(audience member laughing)

(everyone laughing)

You've seen her too.

(everyone laughing)

Or Saint Thomas Aquinas in drag!

Well now, I've never been able

to tell those two apart!

Have you ever seen them together?

Think about it.

- Well?

- What?

Oh!

I was instructed to use our own

Sister Mary Cardelia as a model

and start a little greeting card company.

You know, to raise funds.

Well, of course I did and
it was a huge success!

- Yeah, so we took the money

and buried 48 of the 52 dead sisters,

then Reverend Mother bought a VCR

and a camcorder for the convent!

Personally, I thought
we should have buried

all of the sisters before buying a VCR,

but then as Mistress of
Novices, I'm only "number two"

so one tries hard not to
question Reverend Mother.

- [Both] And one will
try harder in the future.

- That's right, dear.

So anyway, the important point is

that we had to put the last
four sisters in the freezer.

- Oh, and, Sister Julia, Child of God,

is having a fit about that.

- And so that's the reason

we're putting on this little show.

We've got to raise enough money to bury

those last four dead sisters!

- Oh we hope you'll forgive
the limitation put on us

by the loss of so many of
our sisters (chuckling),

but if she hadn't bought the VCR,

we wouldn't have to raise anymore money,

and then there wouldn't be this

little show in the first place.

- But, I did, and we do, and
there is, and so there you are!

(imitates gun firing)

Oh!

Now, about a week ago I held
tryouts for tonight's show

and I chose those sisters
whom I felt were the very best

of what's left of us.

And I asked each one of
them to prepare something

which best displays her talent.

- Yes, but first, I thought
you might be interested

in some history of the

Little Sisters of Hoboken
- Oh yes, that's right.

- [Hubert] and that is what
our next song is all about.

- Good, thank you Hubert, thank you.

You see, we started out
running a leper colony.

Now I know some of you might
find that a bit distasteful,

but all the good causes were taken!

Well it all began when, what?

What?

Here darling, you go over here.

Here's where you belong.

Over here.

There you go.

Did you have a nice trip?

(audience laughing)

Are you happy now Leo?

Good.

Now, as I was about to say,
(Hubert clears throat)

it all started, what?

Oh yes, well she's right.

If I give it all away now
you won't enjoy the song.

So what do you say we just do it?

(clicker clicking)

- [Conductor] Five, six!

(light upbeat music)

(nuns blowing raspberries)

♪ Ave Maria it's so
heavenly to be a member ♪

♪ Of a group that's putting on a show ♪

♪ It's great ♪

♪ Although it is a difficult transition ♪

♪ For we started off as missionaries ♪

♪ Which of course is obviously ♪

♪ Much more apropos ♪

♪ But their mission got in trouble ♪

♪ And that burst their holy bubble ♪

♪ We were caught in an imbroglio ♪

♪ And we finally had to go ♪

♪ So we hope you'll understand ♪

♪ If we're not absolutely grand ♪

♪ For we feel a little queasy ♪

♪ We're uneasy in this show ♪

- Let me start at the beginning.

Now please pay attention!

We're gonna give you
the history of our order

and you're gonna be
quizzed on it afterward!

♪ Filled with great anxiety ♪

♪ Sister Hubert sailed with me ♪

♪ And Sister Robert Anne ♪

♪ To a land of unknown circumstance ♪

♪ We reached our destination ♪

♪ With a bit of trepidation ♪

♪ For we'd come to order lepers ♪

♪ Back to work in Southern France ♪

♪ No, no, no, no ♪

- Oh no, that's not right!

We'd come to join an
order working with lepers

on an island south of France.

That's it!

♪ Each of us as best we could ♪

♪ Cut a tree and chopped some wood ♪

♪ Which then was used in building ♪

♪ Humble huts for quarantine ♪

♪ When Sister Mark Yvonne
had finished the porta-John ♪

♪ We all sat down and waited ♪

♪ For the first of those unclean ♪

♪ And they came from everywhere ♪

♪ There were hottentots with rotten tots ♪

♪ In baskets on each mother's head ♪

♪ And Zulus they concluded ♪

♪ Never understood a thing they said ♪

♪ Ubangi's who were ganging up ♪

♪ On natives who were being fed ♪

♪ And Swazi who were goosing ♪

♪ All the bushmen in the line ahead ♪

♪ It was dreadful ♪

♪ The pygmies had their noses ♪

♪ Stuck in everybody's business ♪

♪ While Watusi's had their business ♪

♪ Stuck in everybody's nose ♪

♪ But the truth of the matter ♪

♪ If you really want to know ♪

♪ Was that everybody's business ♪

♪ Was about to decompose ♪

♪ Hubert, Robert Anne, and I are lucky ♪

♪ That we're still alive ♪

♪ For sisters went to pieces
at a devastating rate ♪

♪ When a novice spilled
her food, at first ♪

♪ We thought her rather crude ♪

♪ Till we realized her
hand was on the floor ♪

♪ With her fork and her plate ♪

♪ Wait ♪

♪ There's more ♪

♪ The Protestants it seems ♪

♪ Had set out to wreck our dreams ♪

♪ We had humble huts ♪

♪ While they built leper
condos by the sea ♪

♪ Competing with each
leper put our mission ♪

♪ Work in jeopardy ♪

♪ So we devised a plan ♪

♪ To avoid catastrophe ♪

♪ We challenged them to race ♪

♪ 'Cause we thought we'd trump their ace ♪

♪ In the 100 meter dash ♪

♪ When we entered Sister Rose ♪

♪ But as she was victory bound ♪

♪ Her schnoz fell on the ground ♪

♪ If it hadn't fallen off ♪

♪ She'd have won it by a nose ♪

♪ Poor Rose ♪

♪ Hubert, Robert Anne, and I ♪

♪ Had managed once more to survive ♪

♪ But this time we knew we were ♪

♪ In a truly hopeless spot ♪

♪ So we packed up what was left ♪

♪ Feeling totally bereft ♪

♪ We got out while the going
was still able to be got ♪

♪ We came back home to Hoboken ♪

♪ But with spirits so broken ♪

♪ No one really knew
if we'd pull through ♪

♪ Then Reverend Mother prayed ♪

♪ There would be a new crusade ♪

♪ And we were doing great ♪

♪ Till Sister Julia made that stew ♪

(singing in foreign language)

♪ Ave Maria, it's so
heavenly to be a Mother ♪

♪ Sister ♪
♪ Sister ♪

♪ Making a debut in front of you ♪

♪ It's a difficult transition ♪

♪ For the missioner's position ♪

♪ Was up till now the only one we knew ♪

♪ It's sad, but true ♪

♪ So we hope you'll understand ♪

♪ If we're not absolutely grand ♪

♪ But we will do our best ♪

♪ To see that you're impressed ♪

♪ We hope we'll pass the test ♪

♪ Now the rest ♪

♪ Is ♪

♪ Up ♪

♪ To you ♪

♪ Amen ♪

(audience applauding)

- Sister, Sister, Sister!

Amnesia, where are you going?

- I was just going with her!

- Yes, but aren't you
in charge of the quiz?

- Oh, I forgot.

- I just can't seem to get
through to her Reverend Mother!

- I know, I know.

I keep hoping when she
remembers who she is,

we'll discover she belongs
to the Franciscans.

(audience laughing)

- Now Sister, try to remember what I teach

in the novitiate: Gentle, but firm.

Got it?

Okay.

- Gentle, but firm!

Ooh.

Alright!

Sit up straight!

Eyes forward!

Pay attention!

Do you know what time it is?

(ruler slapping)

Ow.

(audience laughing)

Well you know, I always
know what time it is.

Yeah, 'cause you see, back at the convent

we've got this huge clock

with the 12 Apostles pasted on it!

And I always know that when
the big hand is on the John

and little hand is on the Peter,

it is time for the Sisters
to go down on their knees.

(audience laughing)

And pray!

Well, and now it's time for that quiz

that Reverend Mother warned you about.

Now you see, you see, I have here,

now I have here the questions

that you should have the answers to

if you were paying
attention to that last song!

Yeah.

Sister Myopia, could we
have some light, please?

Oh thank you!

Okay now, if you know the answers

you raise your hand.

Okay!

Are you ready?

(audience responds)

Yes who?

Are you ready!

- [Audience] Yes!

- One more time, are you ready!

- [Audience] Yes Sister!

- Oh good.

Okay.

Question number one.

The leper colony

was established

on an island

south of?

- [Audience] France!

- Yeah, well right, but
nobody raised their hand!

And I got a prize and everything!

But this gentleman, right here,

right in front of me,

I had my eyes on you.

You moved your mouth and
you said France, huh?

You know, even though you
didn't raise your hand,

I'm gonna give you this holy prize, okay?

Yeah.

Yeah, you should be excited
'cause it's beautiful!

Wait til you see this!

Wait til you see this!

Sir, you're really gonna love this.

Look at this everybody!

It's a Saint Christopher
Motorist Prayer Book!

Isn't that beautiful!

Isn't that beautiful!
(audience applauds)

Yeah.

Stand up, take a bow!

Do you like that sir?

- It's very nice.

- Oh, I'm glad you like that, yeah.

Look at this, there's
a medal and everything,

and there's a place for
your name and your address.

And here's a "I am a Catholic.

"In case of an accident,
please call a priest."

Isn't that beautiful?

(everyone laughing)

Why are you laughing?

Are you Catholic sir?

- No Sister.

- [Amnesia] You're not?

- No ma'am.

- What are you?

- I'm Jewish.

(everyone laughing)

- Jewish.

How nice.

Well you know, you see
this part here that says,

"In case of an accident,"

you know, "I'm Catholic,
please call a priest."

You just kinda scratch that out, okay?

I gotta ask you though,
if you have an accident,

who do you call?

- Well, I would call a lawyer.

(everyone laughing)

- Well wait a minute, I
gotta tell you something.

It'll make you feel better.

Saint Christopher?

Yeah, he's no longer a saint.

Yeah it's true.

I think maybe he had an
accident or something.

He should've called you.

(audience applauding)

Okay, question number two.

Now this one's harder than the first one.

Oh yeah it is.

Okay!

Are you ready!

- [Audience] Yes Sister!

- Oh good!

Okay.

Question number two!

Why,

why did the Sisters

leave the leper colony?

(quiz timer binging)

Nobody knows?

Nobody knows?

Come on, go ahead sir, go ahead sir!

Yeah, go ahead, go ahead!

They were falling to pieces!

Sir, why not!

I guess so!

(everyone laughing)
(dramatic music)

Stand up, take a bow!

(audience applauding)

Here I come again!

I bet you can't wait to see

what I have for you, huh?

Are you Catholic?

- Sometimes.

- Sometimes?

I'm gonna give you this prize, okay?

Wait til you see, you're
really gonna love this.

Look at this everybody!

It's a beautiful plastic
statue of a saint!

Isn't that beautiful!

Isn't that beautiful!

Can I pass that to you?

Isn't that beautiful?

- Thank you.

- [Amnesia] Do you know who that is?

- No.

- Well I don't know, I was asking you.

(audience laughing)

Wait a minute!

Give it back to me.

Sister, hello!

Could you pass that down to her?

Sister, do you know who that is?

Are you okay Sister?

You need a tissue or something?

You don't know either?

We're in trouble here.

Take a guess Sister, anybody.

Are you a Nun in disguise next to her?

Oh you are.

Well help her out!

- Dominic Savio.

- Who?

- [Nun In Disguise] Dominic Savio

- Dominic Savio?

(Nun in disguise speaks too low)

Yeah, okay.

What did he do?

(audience laughing)

He was a boy saint.

- Yes.

- Oh, about 15-years-old.

Okay, good, thank you!

Here's a boy saint for
an almost boy saint.

(Amnesia laughing)

This next question that I have here,

question number three.

Well now, this is one,

this is one that Sister
Hubert wanted me to ask.

Okay.

Question number three,

"Do you think it was wrong

"for Reverend Mother

"to buy a VCR and camcorder

"before all of the Sisters were buried?"

(upbeat piano solo)

- Now I would like to present Sister Leo

with her interpretation of
"Morning at the Convent."

Sister Leo.

(light music)
(audience laughing)

♪ I wake up all bleary ♪

♪ When I first hear the age old query ♪

(singing in foreign language)

♪ Thank God we can't speak to each other ♪

♪ I'm not in the mood to be cheery ♪

♪ Put on the tunic and scapular ♪

♪ Then the wimple ♪

♪ Look, no mirror ♪

♪ The guimpe and veil
complete the Nun's couture ♪

♪ At an ungodly hour ♪

♪ The bell in the tower
signals a warning ♪

(bell ringing)

♪ We've made it through one more night ♪

♪ It's time to greet a new morning ♪

♪ But before I go downstairs ♪

♪ I clear my head of woes and cares ♪

♪ By dancing my way through
my morning prayers ♪

(bird chirping)

(slow dramatic music)

(audience applauding)

♪ Dancing is the way I pray ♪

♪ I can have a perfect day ♪

♪ If I start off ♪

♪ With a tour jete ♪

♪ So if you wake up feeling blah ♪

♪ Try my proven formula ♪

♪ Point your toe and plie ♪

♪ Once ♪

♪ Each ♪

♪ Day ♪

(audience applauding)

- Sister Mary Leo that was just wonderful.

- Oh, well you could have seen a lot more,

but Reverend Mother
won't let me wear a tutu.

- Now you know how the Reverend Mother

feels about the traditional habit.

- Oh I know.

"If God had wanted everyone
to look like people,

- [Both] "he wouldn't have invented nuns."

(imitates fart)

- That's right dear.

- But when I entered the convent,

I planned to dedicate my life to God

through the dance.

If I can't wear a tutu,

I'll never become a famous nun ballerina.

- Sister Mary Leo!
(upbeat music)

Have you forgotten about humility?

♪ I've always taught my novices ♪

♪ That God is on their side ♪

♪ When they're looking for the strength ♪

♪ To avoid the sin of pride ♪

♪ I know that being humble ♪

♪ Is a virtue we hold dear ♪

♪ But how can I be humble ♪

♪ And advance in my career ♪
- Sister Mary Leo!

Your vocation is your career!

Excuse me for a moment.

Sister, I'd like to say something

before this goes any further.

You see, I always wanted to be a nun

ever since I was a little girl.

My dream was to enter the convent,

work my way up to Mother Superior,

and then turn the Little
Sisters of Hoboken

into the Big Sisters of Newark!

(Hubert laughing)

Well, my first lesson upon
entering the convent was

that we do not strive for position,

just perfection.

Besides, she who exalts
herself shall be humbled

and she who humbles
herself shall be exalted!

♪ Reverend Mother is the boss ♪

♪ And someone must obey ♪

♪ But as mistress of the novices ♪

♪ I shine in my own way ♪

♪ You mean, if I'm really humble ♪

♪ I could have a shot ♪

♪ At a bit of exaltation ♪

♪ With my simple lot ♪

♪ You got it kid ♪

♪ The biggest ain't the best ♪

♪ Very often we're impressed ♪

♪ By a tiny diamond chip ♪

♪ That seems to outshine all the rest ♪

♪ So pay attention now ♪

♪ Here's what you must do ♪

♪ You don't demand the spotlight ♪

♪ Let the spotlight come to you ♪

- I'm beginning to see the light!

♪ Remember Sister Hilda ♪

♪ Whose endowment was so great ♪

♪ When she put on her collar ♪

♪ It stood out like a plate ♪

♪ Well, one day when the Bishop came ♪

♪ She went to the door ♪

♪ As she knelt to kiss his ring ♪

♪ She fell flat out on
the floor and proved ♪

♪ The biggest ain't the best ♪

♪ As the Bishop will attest ♪

♪ The Lord tells us the least ♪

♪ Are often those that are blessed ♪

♪ So let that be a lesson to you ♪

♪ Try to understand ♪

♪ The people with the biggest drums ♪

♪ Don't always lead the band ♪

♪ Oh, the biggest ain't the best ♪

♪ Very often we're impressed ♪

♪ By a tiny diamond chip ♪

♪ That seems to outshine all the rest ♪

♪ So do what you do well ♪

♪ I know I'll be fine ♪

♪ Just remember to be humble ♪

♪ As we proudly go and ♪

♪ Smile baby ♪

♪ Sparkly Neely ♪

♪ Sing out Louise ♪

♪ And shine ♪

(audience applauding)

- [Mary] Well, that was just dandy.

That sounded wonderful backstage.

(upbeat music)

(Robert Anne laughing)

- So what do ya think?

Huh Rev?

I call this the "Convent Miranda" look.

(audience laughing)

You got it, that's good.

- Robert Anne, I'm just appalled!

Now you show some respect.

- Now, take a chill pill there Rev.

- Chill pill?

- Hey, hey, hey!

I got another little surprise for you too.

- Another surprise?

- Yeah.

I realized that when
you arranged the program

for this evening, you
had forgotten to include

a solo for me.

So Brother Micheal and I,

we have worked out the most wonderful song

and I thought you could find
a spot for it in the show.

Just a second.

Brother Michael, if you will.

(piano solo)
You're gonna love this Rev.

Really, listen to this.

♪ When I became a nun ♪

♪ At a very early age-- ♪

- Robert Anne, Robert Anne!

You are the understudy.

Now don't you realize what a great honor

and responsibility that is?

Why you have to be ready
at a moments notice!

In case of an emergency.

Take me for example.

Now I am the Reverend Mother.

I'm not some musical comedy star.

(audience laughing)

- I realized that during
the opening number.

- What?
(piano solo)

- Look.

♪ I don't mean to sound ungrateful ♪

♪ But I'd rather have a spot ♪

♪ That is just for Robert Anne ♪

♪ I'm not asking for a lot ♪

♪ The understudy never shines ♪

♪ Until the star is ill ♪

♪ Then the crowd is hostile ♪

♪ The star's not on the bill ♪

- I don't think this is something

we should discuss in
front of the audience.

- Rev please.

♪ Playing second fiddle ♪

♪ Positively means this kid'll ♪

♪ Never get a moment ♪

♪ On the stage alone ♪

♪ Even, God forbid ♪

♪ If something happened ♪

♪ And you did get sick ♪

(Robert Anne chuckles)

- Yes?

- Oh.

♪ An understudy's part ♪

♪ Is not my own ♪

Rev, now I've been reading
up on being an understudy

and believe me it is
not encouraging at all.

Oh here, look at this.

Read this right here,
you won't believe it.

Look, right here.

♪ Who here knows that Dolly Levi's ♪

♪ Also Bibi Osterwald ♪

♪ Carol Channing wasn't sick ♪

♪ So Bibi wasn't called ♪

♪ This girl, Lenora Nemetz ♪

♪ Has it on her resume ♪

♪ That she understudied everyone ♪

♪ Where is she today ♪

- Ah ha, here's Shirley MacLaine!

- No, no Shirley doesn't count.

That was just bizarre.

♪ Carol Haney breaks her leg ♪

♪ And Shirley is a star ♪

♪ But that's' about as rare ♪

♪ As Lana Turner down at Schwab's ♪

♪ It's a miracle when understudies ♪

♪ Get the starring jobs ♪

- Well, then in that case I
think I'd start praying then.

- Oh yeah?

For what?

- A miracle.

- Oh give me a break!

♪ Playing second fiddle ♪

♪ Positively means this kid'll ♪

♪ Never get a lead cause ♪

♪ Everybody knows ♪

♪ Whoever understudied Merman ♪

♪ As the Gypsy Mama permanently ♪

♪ Ended up as secondhand Rose ♪

- [Amnesia] Reverend Mother, I'm ready!

- We'll discuss this later.

It's time for Amnesia now.

- [Robert] What? Rev?

- No, no, no!

- Time for Amnesia?

She doesn't even know who she is.

♪ I've got to figure out a way ♪

♪ To get a solo spot ♪

♪ So I can prove to Reverend Mother ♪

♪ What it takes, I got ♪

♪ Maybe then she'll understand ♪

♪ This feeling in my soul ♪

♪ That I deserve a leading role ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

(audience applauding)

- In some way, I must tell ya,

I feel personally responsible

for the little predicament
that's brought us

all together here tonight.

Because Julia's never really
got a handle on her vocation.

Now you take last week for example.

We were having the
Monsignor over for dinner

and I asked Julia to prepare
something a little special.

Well, a little while later
I see her in the kitchen

setting up the ironing board.

And I says, "Well Julia,
what in hell are you doing?"

And she says, "Well I'm
gonna making pressed duck!"

(duck quacking)

No, no, it's not a joke.

I'm serious!

I'm serious!

I'm telling you it's not easy.

We used to have 71 members in our order.

Now thanks to that nitwit
Julia, we're down to 19!

I just thought maybe if you
knew a little more about us

you might--

Not now dear, I'm talking.

- Reverend Mother!

- What?
- Reverend Mother!

- [Mary] What is it?

- I thought I was supposed
to tell this part?

- Oh my goodness, I'm sorry.

Yes I did.

I promised dear little
Sister who's it here

that she could tell this part.

Good, you go right on dear.

You little dear amnesiac you.

Hubert, would you keep an eye on her

while I run to the little nuns room?

(light music)

- Hello!

- [Audience] Hello!

- Now my name is Sister Mary...

For a moment there,

I thought I almost
remembered my real name.

Well anyway, I'm here to tell you

what being a nun means to me!

Can you hear me in the back!

(audience responds)

Oh good.

Now Reverend Mother tells
me that she is certain,

that if I give a good talk,

at least one of you will
want to join our order!

And that's you.

(audience laughing)

Shalom.

(audience applauding)

I think it is just wonderful,

♪ That you want to be a nun ♪

♪ And you think it might be fun ♪

♪ To be one of the ones who's a nun ♪

- Very nice.
(everyone applauding)

- Thank you.

♪ Then the order you elect to select ♪

♪ Should reflect, I suspect ♪

♪ A desire to perfect all
you've done up to now ♪

♪ I wish that somehow ♪

- Stop!

I can't stand listening to this!

- Why, Sister Mary Annette!

What are you doing here?

I thought you stayed in
France with the Protestants?

- No way, Jose!

Girls, if you want to be a nun,

join an order that still wears a habit!

- Oh, wait a minute, Sister.

I know it's true that
we still wear a habit

to retain our magic spell.

But even I know "a habit
does not a nun make!"

- Get real will ya!

Hit it sweetheart!

(upbeat music)

♪ It's really very simple
with a wimple you learn ♪

♪ You get instant respect
which you don't have to earn ♪

♪ You move right up the line ♪

♪ Without waiting your turn ♪

♪ Virtues like patience ♪

♪ Are not our concern ♪

- Oh, excuse me Sister.

But virtues like patience
are not our concern?

Oh, well I always thought that virtue,

virtue was always our concern.

♪ Think about our solemn vows ♪

♪ There are three we must espouse ♪

♪ Poverty, chastity, and obedience ♪

♪ Now ♪

- What the hell are you trying to do?

(audience laughing)

Make me go deaf?

- Don't be silly Sister.

You know you can't go deaf.

I mean, everyone can see,
nuns don't have ears!

Now let's see, where was I?

Oh!

♪ Let's start with
poverty, empty your purse ♪

♪ Poverty makes being poor even worse ♪

♪ Granted, it's not so extreme for a nun ♪

♪ We may not be starving ♪

♪ But still, it's not fun ♪

♪ Not fun, fun, fun, fun, fun ♪

♪ Not fun, fun, fun, fun, fun ♪

♪ Not fun, fun, fun, fun, fun ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Poverty's not fun ♪

(audience applauding)

- What do you mean poverty's not fun?

♪ You can't deny we live like
we're from Beverly Hills ♪

♪ While Mother Superior
pays all the bills ♪

♪ Wake up, smell the coffee girl ♪

♪ Our lives are first rate ♪

♪ And the nuns point of view ♪

♪ Poverty's great ♪

- What are you talking
about, poverty's great?

- Isn't it obvious?

We can have anything.

We just can't own it!

(drum sting)

♪ Chastity is where we found ♪

♪ Our postulants are losing ground ♪

♪ You must be celibate ♪

♪ You can't screw around ♪

(nuns gasping)
(audience laughing)

♪ Obedience is number three ♪

♪ We cannot question what will be ♪

♪ If we have no opinions ♪

♪ The living ♪

♪ Is easy ♪

Wait a minute, wait a minute!

Oh, I think I'm beginning
to remember who I am!

- Yeah, and the fish are jumping

and the cotton is high!

Now get to obedience!

♪ If pain can make you perfect ♪

♪ Then this vow is for you ♪

♪ Every time you disobey they
beat your ass black and blue ♪

(audience laughing)

♪ The confessionals where she belongs ♪

♪ Everything she says is wrong ♪

♪ Sister's just jealous
'cause I stole her song ♪

♪ Dedication and commitment-- ♪

♪ She's so full of-- ♪

♪ Don't finish that one ♪

♪ No habit, no ticket to fun ♪

♪ This song ♪

♪ Is ♪

- Get the hook!

♪ Done ♪

(audience applauding)
(upbeat music)

- Why didn't someone tell
me she had that puppet?

- Don't look at me.

- Who knew?

- You knew Hubert!

I know you knew!

- Oh yes I knew, but I didn't
realize she was gonna--

- What if there's some plain
clothes nuns in the audience?

(audience laughing)

I certainly hope no one was offended.

- Please, don't let this affect

your generosity this evening.

- Really!

We've just got to get those
girls out of the freezer.

Well you never know when
the Health Inspector

might be coming around.

Oh!

- Did I miss something?

- Just the boat dear.

(audience laughing)

- But Reverend Mother,
we don't have a boat.

No, Sister drives a car.

- Oh Amnesia, Reverend
Mother was just wondering

when the Health Inspector
might be coming around.

- Oh, he came this afternoon.

- What do you mean he came this afternoon?

You've been here all
day practicing with us.

- Yes, but he called yesterday.

- [Hubert And Mary] What?

- Amnesia, why don't you
tell me these things?

- [Sisters] I forgot.

- Well this is terrible.

Now you must go and call
the convent right away

and see if anything's happened.

Oh Hubert, this is awful!

I thought I told you to tell me

to see that she always
reports everything to me.

- Now don't try to blame this one on me.

You're the one that bought the VCR.

- Well, I don't see what that

- has to do with anything.
- Well, it has everything!

- [Hubert] What are you talking about?

No, no, no!

- You know I didn't realize
- There are 52 Sisters,

there wouldn't be
if you counted the

enough money!
52 Sisters,

- [Hubert] There's gonna
be enough money, yes!

(upbeat music)
(Sisters humming)

- [Mary] Turn that thing off!

- [Amnesia] Reverend Mother!

- What?

- [Amnesia] Reverend Mother!

- What?

- [Amnesia] Reverend Mother!

- What!

- I got the answering machine.

- Yes.

Well what did it say?

- "Hello, this is the convent"--

- Amnesia!

Jump forward.

(speaks gibberish)
(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

- And Sister Ralph Marie

had to go down to the Board of Health

for questioning.

- Oh no.

Oh, well now you've done it.

Oh now you've really done it.

Oh now this is a wonderful
spot you've put us in.

- But I'm sorry Reverend Mother.

I mean, I'm sorry.

I mean, I didn't know.

I didn't know, I'm sorry!

(Amnesia crying)

- [Robert Anne] Amnesia don't go!

- [Hubert] Regina, you didn't
have to be so hard on her!

- Well I didn't mean it,
you know I didn't mean it.

Go and see if she's all right.

- Me?

- Yes, go already.

I tell you, it's not easy

being a Mother Superior these days.

Well in these permissive times

trying to be a leader
is almost impossible.

Take Robert Anne for example.

Now when she joined the
convent they told me

she was streetwise.

Well, I thought that meant
she knew her way around town.

Oh.

That girl knows things you
won't see on Cable Television.

Just this morning she comes into my office

and says she's writing
a book for her gym class

on feminine hygiene.

You know what she's calling it?

"The Catholic Girl's Guide
to an Immaculate Conception."

(audience laughing)

Well I don't think it's funny.

It's not easy!

Sometimes I wonder why I became
a nun in the first place.

I didn't have to you know.

Now, the other Sisters don't know this,

but I started off to
be a tightrope walker.

No, I'm not making this.

My mother and father had a high wire act.

They were billed as Two
Tons on a Tightrope.

They were both a bit on the hefty side.

My father said if we just
practiced hard enough

we could be better than
the Flying Wallendas.

Oh all us kids were in the act.

All except Mary Clare.

That's our sister.

She took up with a contortionist.

One night they were
trying out a new position.

I don't want to talk about it.

It's just too terrible.

Anyway, I was telling you something--

Oh, I was telling you about the act.

Yes, well, we got booked in London

and we had a wire
stretched across the river.

You know, as a publicity
stunt, no net mind ya.

So Two Tons on a Tightrope,

we're up there on the wire
when suddenly it snapped

and boom, boom!

Two Tons in the Thames!

(everyone laughing)

Well, I promised the
Lord right then and there

that if He'd save them I'd become a nun.

How was I to know He was
gonna pull 'em through?

But if you want to know the truth,

not that I'm here,

I wouldn't have it any other way.

(Regina chuckling)

Still though, I gotta tell you something.

(slow light music)

♪ I see the spotlight, and
though it's not right ♪

♪ I simply can't resist it's call ♪

♪ For some nuns it's
bingo at the Parish Hall ♪

♪ Turn up the spotlight
and I have a ball ♪

♪ I lose my head then ♪

♪ I know I'm dead ♪

♪ When I start to hear
that laughter grow ♪

♪ It really wasn't all that long ago ♪

♪ When I was up there
in the spotlights glow ♪

♪ I can hear the brass band ♪

♪ I can hear the crowd cheer ♪

♪ The grand march begins ♪

♪ The circus is here ♪

♪ I can still hear the
ringmaster shouting ♪

♪ He's proud to present us on that wire ♪

♪ High above the crowd ♪

♪ Oh, it was thrilling ♪

♪ We had top billing ♪

♪ Every night we'd steal the show ♪

♪ Please forgive me ♪

♪ But don't cha know ♪

♪ This is much more fun than B-I-N-G-O ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Ah this was my favorite part ♪

♪ Turn up ♪

♪ That spotlight ♪

♪ 'Cause when I've got light ♪

♪ I'm a barrel full of fun ♪

♪ I'm your right Reverend Mama ♪

♪ Say, "Hello Dalai Lama" ♪

♪ Your right Reverend Mother ♪

♪ There isn't any other ♪

♪ Your right Reverend Mother ♪

♪ Not just sister or your brother ♪

♪ Right Reverend Mother ♪

♪ Superior nun ♪

♪ Oh yeah ♪

(audience applauding)

- Well, well, well, you're turning out

to be a regular Sally Rand.

- Oh, was she a Mother Superior too?

- Not quite dear.

- [Amnesia] Ooh, Lilacs!

- [Regina] Oh Lilacs!

- How beautiful, where did they come from?

- [Leo] Oh, here's the card.

- Oh from the ladies of the Hadassah

wishing us mazal tov.

Well thank you ladies.

- Well isn't that sweet of them?

Thank you.

- Oh, they sure bring back memories.

♪ Every time I smell lilacs ♪

♪ I remember my first romance ♪

♪ I was putting on a ballet ♪

♪ In my backyard ♪

♪ When I fell in love with the dance ♪

♪ Every time I smell lilacs ♪

♪ I remember that very special day ♪

♪ When the bishop came
and gave me my new name ♪

♪ Hubert ♪

♪ I thought I was gonna die ♪

- Wait a minute Amnesia, I've got an idea!

♪ If lilacs make us remember ♪

♪ Things that happened long ago ♪

♪ Maybe the fragrance
will take you backward ♪

♪ In time to a place you know ♪

(Amnesia sniffing)

♪ They smell very nice it's true ♪

♪ But they don't remind me of anything ♪

♪ Wait a minute ♪

♪ Yes they do ♪

♪ They do ♪

♪ I'm running through the fields ♪

♪ With a neighbor kid ♪

♪ And I hear Mama calling me home ♪

♪ Dinner is ready, come on home ♪

♪ Now ♪

But I can't remember who.

(Robert Anne cackling)

- I'll get you my pretty.

And your little dog too!

(Robert Anne humming)

- Robert Anne.

Do you hear me?

Down here this minute.

Who do you think you are?

Margaret Hamilton?

(Robert Anne beeps)
Oh!

I'm about to lose
patience with you Sister.

- Oh okay, I'm sorry all right.

Look, I just came out here to

tell you something important.

- Yes, what is it?

- Well, I was fixing my vail
in the girls locker room

and I found this.

You're not gonna believe.

I think that one of our students

is having a very serious problem here.

- What do you mean serious?

- Well, I'm gonna have to explain this

because I don't think
you know what this is.

- Do you think you might explain it later?

We've got to get ready
for the first act finale.

- Excuse me, but you don't know--

- Go and get ready for
the first act finale,

I'll take care of this.

Go get that thing out of your veil now!

- Okay.

(audience laughing)

I'm melting!

(audience applauding)

- If only she could.

Well I'm sorry for this little delay,

but I'm sure they'll
just be a few minutes.

Well, let's see what this is

that she's making such a fuss about.

Huh, it's called Rush.

R-U-S-H.

Must be something for people in a hurry.

I guess she must take a teaspoon after

every meal or something.

Let's see.

Oh no, it says, "Remove cap.

"Allow to stand, aroma will develop."

What kind of aroma?

Remove cap, let stand.

Ooh!

Ooh!

Ooh, ooh!

(Regina coughing)

Ooh that smells awful!

Oh good Lord.

Why would anybody want this stuff?

Oh it just smells--

(Regina sniffing and laughing)

Is it warm in here?

I'm getting awful warm.

(Regina chuckling)

It must be this thing-a-ma-bob here.

Well now I don't know what the girls

are doing with this.

It can't be good for you though.

I mean, it just smells awful.

At least I think it did.

Maybe I better just double check.

Yup.

(everyone laughing)

Oh my it's hot in here.

Must be the lights.

(Regina chuckling)

Well now, in just a few minints...

(everyone laughing)

Ah!

In a few

mimits.

(everyone laughing)

In a few momotes.

Oh.

Shortly.

We'll be getting back to Nundance.

Flashnun, woo-hoo!

Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Nun!

That's not right.

Oh dear.

What show is this?

- [Michael] Reverend
Mother, are you all right?

- [Regina] What?

- Are you all right?

- Oh yes, I'm fine.

Hey, have you fellas ever tried,

oh of course you have, you're musicians.

(everyone laughing)

You want to try some?

I'm gonna take some of this back

to the convent you know, it's wonderful.

Oh!

Oh my!

Oh my!

Well now.

In a few (chuckling),

we'll just get back

and watch a, watch a,

watch a couple of butch nuns dance.

(everyone laughing)

No, no!

Oh!

No!

Did I say that?

(hand thudding)

That's not right!

Oh!

Come in!

Oh yeah.

Yeah, we'll...

I gotta driving Miss Daisy

back down to the Piggly.

(everyone laughing)

Oh my.

It's a miracle.

Somebody call a donkey
and get me to the manger!

(everyone laughing)

I'm stuck.

Oh I'm stuck, I can't get out!

Well, if nobody's gonna break

your neck to help me out of here,

I'll get out of here myself.

(everyone laughing)

Oh!

I bet you think I can't do it, but I can.

I know I can.

Just like the little red hen.

Woo!

(Mary screams)

Oh Lord!

(everyone laughing)

You know who I am?

I'm Shelley Winters

in the "Poseidon Adventure."

Oh gosh!

All right, everybody in the pool!

Free Willy!

Free Willy!

Oh it's so hot!

Don't you just hate these heated pools!

- Regina!

- Hubert!

- [Hubert] What?

- I've fallen and I can't get up!

(audience laughing)

- Turn off that spotlight!

- [Regina] No, wait, I'm not--

- [Hubert] Oh yes you are!

- Hey, hey, what's going on?

- Reverend Mother got high!

- Oh no, I could've told her,

that stuff makes you fly.

- You're gonna fry!

- Hey, now I didn't tell her to use it.

- Well what is that stuff?

- That had--

- Hey, hey, hey!

Come on all of you!

♪ There's been a slight change ♪

♪ In what's about to ensue ♪

- Sister, I thought we planned

this song for act two?

- Well we did but it's not,

we've got to do it now.
(Regina screams)

Please ladies.

♪ If ever you are tempted to transgress ♪

♪ Remember this ♪

- Hubert!

- Huh?

- You look marvelous!

(Hubert chuckles)

♪ An idle mind is where the devil works ♪

♪ So in my analysis ♪

♪ If busy hands are happy hands ♪

♪ Then dancing feet are bliss ♪

♪ So, tackle that temptation
with a time-step ♪

♪ Not a one-step or a
two-step, but a time-step ♪

(feet tapping)

♪ You can chase the devil out ♪

♪ And shout the good news ♪

♪ Oh tackle that temptation
with a time-step ♪

♪ Before temptation tackles you ♪

♪ I said ♪

♪ Tackle that temptation
with a time-step ♪

♪ Not a one-step or a
two-step, but a time-step ♪

♪ And if that's not enough ♪

♪ Then go and shuffle off to Buffalo ♪

♪ Tackle that temptation
with a time-step ♪

♪ Before temptation tackles you ♪

- Ready girls?

(feet tapping)

- [Robert Anne] Not bad for nuns, huh?

(fast paced music)

(audience applauding)

- [Hubert] Get her out of here!

- [Leo] Reverend Mother!

♪ Turn up the spotlight ♪

♪ Though this is not quite ♪

♪ What we expected we would do ♪

♪ Gotta dance ♪

♪ We're gonna take a break ♪

♪ Please come back for heaven's sake ♪

♪ There's a lot more in act two ♪

♪ Peek-A-Boo ♪

♪ Until then ♪

- [Hubert] Reverend Mother!

- Toodle-loo!

- [Hubert] I'm really sorry Mother.

(audience applauding)

- How ya doing?

Yeah, Danny.

- How's everybody doing?

All right?

- How are you?
- Good, good.

- [Hubert] Good, good, good.

- Good, good.
- Sister Hubert?

- [Hubert] Yes dear?

- May I tell a joke please?

- [Hubert] Go right ahead dear.

- How do you make Holy Water?

- [Hubert] How do you make Holy Water?

- You boil the hell out of it!

(everyone laughing)

- Sister Hubert, Sister!

Can I tell, can I tell one?

- Go right ahead dear.

- Yeah?
- Yes, go right ahead.

- [Amnesia] Okay, thank you.

Why don't nuns do drugs?

- Why don't nuns do drugs?

- 'Cause they already have a habit!

(drum sting)
(everyone laughing)

Sister, tell yours, tell yours, yeah.

- All right, all right, I have one.

Why did Moses wander around
the desert for 40 years?

- Why?

- He's a man, do you think
he would stop for directions?

(everyone laughing and applauding)

- [Amnesia] What's your name?

- Yo, Sister Hubert.
- I love that joke,

- [Hubert] It gets them every time.

- Sister Hubert, excuse me.
- What dear?

- [Robert Anne] I need to
speak with you right away.

If you could just come up here.

Leo, yeah, come on, come on.
- Excuse us.

- [Robert Anne] Amnesia!

- I'm recruiting!

(audience laughing)

I gotta go Ashley.

- Amnesia, while I'm young please.

Go ahead, talk amongst yourselves.

Well be right back.

I have just found out that Reverend Mother

is still back stage doing penance.

Guess what that means?

The understudy is on!

(audience applauding)

Hang on, I got a great idea.

Don't go away, just a second.

Okay, you can get ready
for the next number,

I'll handle everything here.

No sweat.

- Are you sure you're okay?

- Oh yeah, no problem.

Hey.

- Oh no.

- All right.

Now I have you alone here to myself.

For a few moments anyway.

I think we have time for this.

I would like to share with you

something that I think you'll
get a little kick out of.

And that's more of my habit humor.

Okay, here it comes.

(Robert Anne humming)
(audience laughing)

Now, I know that you're
probably all wondering

what nuns do in their spare time right?

Well, this particular nun likes to

hang around and create
other strange looking nuns.

For instance, Sister Pocahontas.

How, how.

♪ Yodle-ay-he-hoo ♪

Sister Heidi!

Sister Pippi Longstockings!

Attila the Nun.

Here's one of my old favorites.

Twisted Sister!

Oh, and the night would not be complete

without a little political humor, right?

Okay, here we go.

I've no experience
running up a four trillion

dollar deficit, but I'm all ears.

(audience laughing)

Okay, I got one more.

Now this is going to be

a legendary actress of
the stage and screen okay.

How 'bout some mood music
on this one brother?

Yeah, thank you.
(light piano solo)

That's great.

Okay, this takes a couple extra seconds to

stick this one together,

so just bare with me okay.

(Robert Anne humming)

Oh you know, sometimes I
do this for my students.

Oh yeah, they think it's hysterical.

Of course, they love to
laugh, you know how it is.

But that's how I reach
them, get through to them,

by being funny.

Yeah I do.

I teach seventh graders.

Oh, that is a rough age
to be though, you know.

I know 'cause I remember.

Oh yeah.

When I was in seventh grade, I got sent

to Saint Clare's School
for the Deplorable.

Okay here we go, here we go.

The final impression of the evening.

The calla lilies are in bloom again!

Thank you, thank you.
(audience applauding)

Thanks a lot.

Oh, oh, by the way,

let's not mention this to
you know who, all right?

I mean Reverend Mother does not always

appreciate my methods or behavior.

Eh.

Well, no, no.

You gotta understand, see.

I grew up in Canarsie.

You know where that is?

That's in Brooklyn!

Yo Mamma!

Scungili!

Yeah, you had to be tough too, and I was.

I was a tough little kid, you know.

Well see, my dad was never around,

my mom had to work two jobs,

she left us kids alone all the time.

I was always in trouble,

which is why I got sent to Saint Clare's.

But, it's okay, you know.

Things worked out.

They did, I'm here right?

Hey, you know what?

My background even paid
off a little bit, really.

Not only do I drive the convent car,

but I can also strip it faster
than any mechanic in Hoboken!

(audience laughing)

Oh boy, oh boy.

Some of my old friends still
cannot believe that I'm a nun.

But I'd like to tell you why.

It's all because of Sister Rose Francis.

Yeah.
(slow paced music)

She was the head of Saint
Clare's and boy, oh boy.

She was somethin' else.

She was the one person who made me believe

that I really was worth something.

And I wanna be just like her.

Yeah.

Sometimes I really miss
Saint Clare's, you know.

(church bell ringing)

Things were real different way back then.

It was a long time ago.

♪ At Saint Clare's
school, religion class ♪

♪ Began with mass each day ♪

♪ It was said in Latin then ♪

♪ That's how I learned to pray ♪

♪ The nuns appeared in black and white ♪

♪ And so did every rule ♪

♪ Things were either wrong or right ♪

♪ At Saint Clare's ♪

♪ Catholic school ♪
♪ Hosanna, Hosanna ♪

♪ Hosanna in excelsis, excelsis ♪

♪ Excelsis ♪

♪ But then the rules began to change ♪

♪ And many lost their way ♪

♪ What was always black and white ♪

♪ Was turning shades of gray ♪

♪ Holy, holy ♪

♪ Holy, holy Lord ♪

♪ Though this is said in English now ♪

♪ To make us more aware ♪

♪ Confusion seems to reign supreme ♪

♪ Like God ♪

♪ It's everywhere ♪

♪ The church is quite progressive now ♪

♪ But people ridicule the fact ♪

♪ That so many things are optional ♪

♪ It's hard to find the rule ♪

♪ But through it all I've often said ♪

♪ Those ancient Latin prayers ♪

♪ That I first learned when growing up ♪

♪ Catholic at Saint Clare's ♪
♪ Hosanna, Hosanna ♪

♪ Hosanna in excelsis ♪

♪ In excelsis ♪

♪ In excelsis ♪

♪ In excelsis ♪

(audience applauding)

- Well now we're in for it.

This is a real catastrophe!

- What is the matter with you?

- I'll tell you what's the matter with me.

This summons here.

- It can't be that bad.

- No, just look at it yourself.

I've got to go pray for
guidance from Saint Thomas.

Saint Thomas, where
are you when I need ya?

Hello, hello, hello?

Regina to Thomas!

Come in, are you there?

(Sisters gasping)

♪ We've got to clean out the freezer ♪

♪ By tomorrow morning ♪

♪ 'Cause the Jersey Board of Health ♪

♪ Has sent the final warning ♪

♪ They're not buying our line ♪

♪ That dead nuns rise and shine ♪

♪ We must comply or face a fine ♪

♪ We've got to clean out the freezer ♪

♪ 'Cause they know we're the wiser ♪

♪ Who have refused to start defrosting ♪

♪ Those four blue nuns ♪

♪ The time has come to send
them off to their reward ♪

♪ And let them greet the Lord ♪

♪ Heaven awaits ♪

♪ So pack 'em in crates ♪

♪ And tell Saint Peter
they'll be at those ♪

♪ Pearly gates ♪

♪ And tell him these are nuns on ice ♪

♪ That we are certain didn't sin ♪

♪ And we'd be very grateful ♪

♪ If he'd let 'em come in ♪

♪ We've got to clean out the
freezer by tomorrow morning ♪

♪ Someone holler to Gabriel ♪

♪ To blow his horn ♪

♪ And when the saints
go marching to that ♪

♪ Heavenly door ♪

♪ Tell 'em there's gonna be four more ♪

- Four!

♪ We've got to clean out the freezer ♪

♪ And defrost the dead ♪

♪ Because the Jersey Board of Health ♪

♪ Is claiming they were misled ♪

♪ And they're not buying our line ♪

♪ That dead nuns rise and shine ♪

♪ We must bury them instead ♪

♪ They're not buying our line ♪

♪ Nuns rise and shine ♪

♪ We must bury them instead ♪

♪ We're dead ♪

(audience applauding)

(phone ringing)

- [Leo And Amnesia] I'll get it!

- No, I'll get it!

I'm the novice.

- [Hubert] That's a good enough excuse.

(phone ringing)

- [Leo] Hello, Mount Saint Helen's!

- Did you have a vision?

- Well I'm working on
it, I'm working on it.

Mary Leo, who is that on the phone?

- Sister Mary Euthanasia!

- [Sisters] Our nurse.

(dramatic music)

- She says that Sister
Julia, Child of God,

was experimenting with a new low-fat dish.

Bean curd with feenamints,
or something like that.

Well anyway, it backfired
(audience laughing)

and she's in the hospital
having her stomach pumped!

- Oh no!

Well is she gonna be able to do the show?

- Is she gonna be able to do the show?

No.

- No?

- [Leo] No.

- Whoa!

- [Robert Anne] Whoa!

I could do my number then!

- I don't think so.

Oh this means I'll have
to fill in for Julia.

Well I'll need her book.

Does anyone know what became of her book?

- Oh, I forgot to bring it in.

I left it in the station wagon.

- Well I'm going to need that book!

Will somebody get it for me please?

- [Amnesia, Robert Anne, Leo] I will!

- Oh all three of you go!

Go, go!

Oh I don't believe it!

- [Hubert] What?

- Why we've got Sisters in the freezer,

Ralph Marie down at the Board of Health,

and I don't know Julia's part.

Oh, what's a Mother to do?

♪ Every time you have to face a crisis ♪

♪ Who's the one that
helps you muddle through ♪

♪ All right, I confess it ♪

♪ Yes the truth is ♪

♪ I couldn't do it without you ♪

♪ We're just a couple of Sisters ♪

♪ Plain as we can be ♪

♪ Just a couple of Sisters ♪

♪ Who've discovered harmony ♪

♪ Oh sure I could go solo ♪

♪ And going solo can be fun ♪

♪ But when two solos get together ♪

♪ They harmonize as one nun ♪

♪ We're just a couple of Sisters ♪

♪ Out here having fun ♪

♪ The mistress of the novices ♪

♪ And Reverend number one ♪

♪ It's true I am in charge here ♪

♪ But I know I'm not alone ♪

♪ As long as Sister Hubert ♪

♪ Adds her harmonizing tone ♪

♪ I train all the novices ♪

♪ And do it on my own ♪

♪ 'Cause I know Reverend Mother's here ♪

♪ A stepping stone ♪

- A stepping stone?

A stepping stone to what?

- Oh Regina, it was just a rhyme.

(Hubert chuckling)

The only other word I could think of

was overgrown and I know how sensitive

you are about your weight.

- Now wait a minute, I will
have you know I am not fat.

I simply retain water.

(audience laughing)

- Well hello Lake Superior.

(everyone laughing)

- And what does that make you dear?

The Black Sea?

♪ Put us both together ♪

♪ And we've got it all ♪

♪ The melody ♪

♪ The harmony ♪

♪ Saint Peter ♪

♪ And Saint Paul ♪

♪ All we need is Mary ♪

♪ And we have a singing group ♪

♪ Oh every Tom and Dick and Harry ♪

♪ Is a Mary in this troupe ♪

♪ Sister Mary Thomas ♪

♪ Sister Mary Richard ♪

♪ Sister Mary Harold ♪

♪ Sister Mary Noble ♪

♪ Sister Mary Martin,
Sister Mary Pickford ♪

♪ Sister Mary Sunshine,
hey, we're on a roll ♪

♪ Sister Mary Hartman, Sister Mary Astor ♪

♪ Sister Mary Widow, ♪

♪ Oh Sister, that's enough ♪

♪ Sister Mary Poppins,
Sister Merry Christmas ♪

♪ I said that's enough
of this Mary stuff ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ We're just a couple of Sisters ♪

♪ In what you'd call rare form ♪

♪ Who've come to entertain you ♪

♪ By singing up a storm ♪

♪ Swanee ♪

♪ How I love ya ♪

♪ I love Reverend Mammy ♪

♪ We're just a couple of Sisters ♪

♪ Plain as we can be ♪

♪ Just a couple of Sisters ♪

♪ Who've discovered ♪

♪ Harmony ♪

(audience applauding)

- [Regina] Oh good, good.

And now it's time for us to--

- Presenting the dying nun!

- [Regina] The what?

(light music)

(slow paced music)

(audience applauding)

- Sister Leo!

- Robert said you'd think it'd be funny.

- Robert Anne, it's not funny.

Now I've just about had it with you.

Now get her out of that thing.

(audience laughing)

- It was just a joke.

- Well it wasn't funny.

Who do you think you are, Sally Field?

- Yes!

And they liked me!

They really liked me!

- Oh get out of here!

Go on, get out of here!

Hubert!

- What happened?

- [Regina] Stop that, she'll see you.

- Oh now, it was pretty funny.

- No it wasn't.

Not only do I have to
contend with Robert Anne,

now she's trying to corrupt the novices.

- Oh now, she's not so bad.

At least she isn't in jail.

- Well, never mind.

We have something much more interesting

and exciting to discuss.

And I'm talking about the
publication of this book.

"Baking With the BVM."

- Oh Reverend Mother, I
think that some of the people

in our audience may have
brought non-Catholic friends

who should explain that the B.V.M.

is the Blessed Virgin Mary.

- Well, I was just about
to get around to that.

Thank you Hubert.

"Baking With The Blessed Virgin Mary."

- Oh Reverend Mother.

- [Regina] What?

- You look like the Pope!

- Oh.
(audience laughing)

- Show 'em your imitation.

- What?

- Regina come on.

You want to see her imitation
of the Pope don't ya?

- Oh!
- Yeah, yeah!

(audience cheering)

- [Regina] All right, all right, the Pope.

(everyone laughing)

Or, in Italian.

Stop that, stop that.

That's enough of that.

All right, now then.

First of all,

well, the book has a beautiful cover.

It's full color picture
of our blessed Mother

in her little cooks hat and apron.

Awe you're gonna love it!

Look here, don't ya love it?

Isn't she precious?

What dear?

What?

Oh yes.

Amnesia tells me that she's made

a lovely wooden stand for the book.

Let's see.

(audience laughing)

Did you make that dear?

- Yes.

- She made it.

- Ah.

- All by yourself?

- Yes.

- All by herself.

- [Regina And Hubert]
Nice house, nobody home.

- Amnesia, look up there!

What's that, an angel?

Oh look, all clean.

Well now, let's just look inside.

Oh yes, well.

I can see the main section here

is just chock full of unusual recipes.

Especially suited for
the Catholic kitchen.

Now here's Cesar Franck's Panis Angelicus.

A delightful taste treat

consisting of anchovies
wrapped around hot dogs

and served on a piece of angel food cake.

Has anybody actually tested this stuff?

- Why no, we only saw the book today.

You were supposed to go
over all of this with Julia.

- I was not supposed to go over anything.

- You said that you were gonna go over it.

- I did not say I was.
- Yes you did.

- You came over to me and told--

- Well never mind, it's too late now!

- In a word, yes.
- Oh yes!

- [Regina] Let's just move right along

and find some other.

How 'bout dessert sections?

That should be safe.

Yes, this doesn't look too bad here.

Mortally sinful devil's food cake.

- If you eat that you'll go to hell!

- Oh yes.

Yes you little--

- Oh look it here.

Mary Magdalene Tarts.

Bet you they're easy!

- And cheap!

- Oh Reverend Mother look!

- [Regina] What dear?

- Whoa, here's a recipe for boy scouts.

- Well why don't you read that one Sister.

- Oh thank you.

- Well I mean out loud Sister.

- "Boy Scout Treats.

"First, get 12 brownies real hot."

(Hubert gasps)

- Oh dear Lord!

- Obviously a misprint.

How about this, holiday recipes.

Yes, here's one.

"Turkey Stuffing Ala Marcia Lewis."

- Hm, must be a friend of Julia's.

- Yes.

It says you take one package
of regular stuffing mix.

- Regular stuffing mix.

- One onion minced.

- One onion minced.

- One cup of unpopped popcorn.

- One cup of unpopped popcorn.

- Mix it all together.

- Mix it all together.

- Stuff it in your bird.

- Stuff it in your bird.

- Put your bird in your oven.

- Put your bird in the oven.

- 400 degrees.

- 400 degrees.

- And when his ass blows off he's done.

- And when his ass blows off...

(audience laughing)

- Well, I should've known better

than to trust that lame-brain Julia.

We can't sell this book.

- Well what are we going to do?

We were counting on the books

to bring in some extra money?

- Oh, I could do my bird calls!

- And I can do my fire baton.

- [Hubert] No fire batons.

- I could do my number.

- [Regina] What?

- I could do my number.

- Well all right then, do your number.

- You mean it?

- Yes, now get over there

and do it before I change my mind.

The way things are falling
to pieces around here,

I feel like I'm back in the leper colony.

- Well how could Julia be so stupid!

- How could I be so stupid?

(slow quirky music)

♪ When I became a nun ♪

♪ At a very early age ♪

♪ I had to choose between the convent ♪

♪ And the life up on the stage ♪

♪ So when Reverend Mother
said we're putting on a show ♪

♪ I must tell you, I
was thrilled to death ♪

♪ I couldn't wait to go ♪

♪ But then to my surprise ♪

♪ Reverend Mother didn't see ♪

♪ What is so obvious ♪

♪ The stage is meant for me ♪

♪ Money and fame I don't desire ♪

♪ I only wanna sparkle ♪

♪ I don't wanna start a fire ♪

♪ You see ♪

♪ I don't care if I'm
ever rich or famous ♪

♪ I just wanna be a star ♪

♪ I don't care if you
know what my name is ♪

♪ Robert ♪

♪ I just wanna be a star ♪

♪ I want to be the nun
who makes you cheer ♪

♪ The nun who's out in front ♪

♪ Instead of in the rear ♪

♪ For once I wanna lead the band ♪

♪ And have the crowd in
the palm of my hand ♪

♪ I don't care if I'm
ever rich or famous ♪

♪ Just so I can be a star ♪

- Oh hey, when we began the show,

they were really green.

♪ They didn't know a chorus line ♪

♪ From a chorus queen ♪

♪ They didn't realize
that in the chorus line ♪

♪ You never get to strut your stuff ♪

♪ You never really shine ♪

♪ I don't care if I'm
ever rich or famous ♪

♪ I just wanna be a star ♪

♪ Yes it's true, that my
only claim to fame is ♪

♪ I got what it takes to be a star ♪

♪ I know my vow of poverty
says I can't make a fortune ♪

♪ But when I'm 80 and
sitting on the porch ♪

♪ In the old nuns home ♪

♪ And they ask who we are ♪

♪ I just wanna say ♪

♪ Hey, I was a star ♪

♪ I don't care if I'm
ever rich or famous ♪

♪ I just wanna be the
chorus line is not for me ♪

♪ I'm red hot to be a star, woo ♪

♪ Hey Reverend Mother ♪

♪ Park your own damn car ♪

♪ I just wanna be ♪

♪ A star ♪

(audience applauding)

(Robert Anne humming)

Whoa!

- I knew you were gonna cause trouble.

(audience laughing)

Well, that was quite a surprise.

Our little sparkler turned
out to be quite a firecracker.

Oh, you were spectacular.

- I was?

- Oh yes.

- All right, Rev.

- That'll be six Our Father's

and 700 Hail Mary's.

Now I would like to present our version

of Patty, Maxine, and Laverne.

The Saint Andrews' Sisters of Hoboken.

Hey Robert Anne.

Leave that man alone.

I've got my eye on you mister.

(light piano music)

♪ It seems like only yesterday ♪

♪ When life was quite surreal ♪

♪ The days were rather uneventful ♪

♪ What you'd call routine ♪

♪ Then came that fatal night ♪

♪ When Julia made her vichyssoise ♪

♪ For 52 bone appetite ♪

♪ Was also bon voyage ♪

♪ Then our tranquil life was over ♪

♪ For we knew what we must do ♪

♪ We had to raise the money ♪

♪ To inter the 52 ♪

♪ At times it all seemed hopeless ♪

♪ And much more than we could bear ♪

♪ We would all have lost our minds ♪

♪ Had we not stopped, ah ♪

♪ To go to the drive-in ♪

♪ Drive-In ♪

♪ At the skyline drive-in ♪

♪ Drive-In ♪

♪ We can always survive in ♪

♪ We survive in ♪

♪ Times of stress and strain ♪

♪ Doo, doo, bee, doo, bee, doo, doo ♪

♪ Doo, bee, doo, bee, doo, doo, doo ♪

♪ Bee, doo, bee, doo wah ♪

♪ Give yourself a change of scene ♪

♪ By altering the day's routine ♪

♪ Find the nearest movie screen ♪

♪ And let yourself go ♪

♪ It's better than a magazine ♪

♪ Of course you'll want to keep it clean ♪

♪ But if it's a bit obscene ♪

♪ Who will ever know ♪

♪ That you've been to the drive-in ♪

♪ Hey, when you arrive ♪

♪ Find a place to park and dive in ♪

♪ To a box of buttered popcorn ♪

♪ And revive yourself ♪

♪ Your spirits come alive when ♪

♪ You don't have to connive ♪

♪ There isn't a rival ♪

♪ When a drive'll mean survival ♪

♪ As soon as you arrive in ♪

♪ You arrive in ♪

♪ The skyline drive-in ♪

♪ Drive-In ♪

♪ It's the one place I've been ♪

♪ One place I've been ♪

♪ That'll chase the blues away ♪

♪ Enough ballyhoo about what to do ♪

♪ It's time to roll our
homemade convent film display ♪

♪ Sciddly-Ah-Doo-Bee-Doo-Wah-Wah-Wah ♪

(audience applauding)

(light music)

- Oh this!

(fast dramatic music)

Oh, turn that thing off!

Turn that thing off right now!

Stop this!

Put the lights up!

It was you two!

It was you two!

I know it was you two, you come with me!

Well I've never been so mortified.

Where'd you get that picture?

- Could ya die?

- Hi.

This wasn't supposed to happen.

Brother Michael, Brother
Michael, are you in there?

- [Brother Michael] Yes Sister.

- [Amnesia] Brother Michael,
this wasn't supposed to happen.

- I know that.

- [Amnesia] Yeah, well now
what am I supposed to do?

- Why don't you tell
them one of your stories?

- [Amnesia] Oh no, they don't
wanna hear one of my stories.

- Sure they do, you tell great stories!

(audience applauding)

See.

- They do, they do.

Remember the one I told you last week?

- Yeah, that's a good story.

Tell them.
- Should I tell them that one?

- [Brother Michael] Yeah.

- Okay, I'll tell them that one.

- Do you remember it?

- Remember what?

- The story!

- Okay!

I'm gonna tell you a story!

It's about me.

(slow light music)

♪ Sometimes in the morning ♪

♪ Before the first bell rings ♪

♪ I lie here wide awake ♪

♪ Wondering all kinds of things ♪

♪ Like, who I am ♪

♪ Or what I'd be ♪

♪ If I were not a nun ♪

♪ Well, I suppose I could be anything ♪

♪ But if I could be anyone ♪

♪ I'd like to be a country singer ♪

♪ Like Loretta Lynn ♪

♪ With a deluxe Winnebago ♪

♪ That I would travel in ♪

♪ I'd have wigs like Dolly Parton ♪

♪ I might even pierce my ears ♪

♪ I'd have rhinestone
studded cowboy boots ♪

♪ And a sequined from Sears ♪

♪ You know, I'd have me
some back up singers ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ And a real live bluegrass band ♪

♪ And I would go to Nashville ♪

♪ And appear at Opryland ♪

♪ I'd sing songs of inspiration ♪

♪ I'd sing songs in time of strife ♪

♪ Songs like drop-kick me Jesus ♪

♪ Through that goal post of life ♪

(audience applauding)
(slow paced music)

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

It's all coming back to me.

I was gonna be a country singer,

and I remember there was a big contest

and I remember walking out,

walking out on a huge stage!

♪ And when they turned up that spotlight ♪

♪ All that glittered there was me ♪

♪ The people, they all were saying ♪

♪ She's another Brenda Lee ♪

♪ Oh I could've gone to Nashville ♪

♪ And become a country star ♪

♪ But something deep inside of me ♪

♪ Was calling from afar ♪

♪ I started my new life ♪

♪ Inside the convent wall ♪

♪ Brenda Lee had given way ♪

♪ To Sister Mary ♪

Paul.

(tense music)

Paul.

Sister Mary Paul.

I'm Sister Mary Paul.

I'm Sister Mary Paul!

Sister Mary Paul!

Sister Mary Paul!

♪ I remember it all ♪

♪ Oh I could've gone to Nashville ♪

♪ And become Loretta Lynn ♪

♪ But something much more powerful ♪

♪ Was calling from within ♪

♪ Oh I could've gone to Nashville ♪

♪ But I came here that day ♪

♪ I must say ♪

♪ A little thank you prayer ♪

♪ That it all ♪

♪ Turned out ♪

♪ This ♪

♪ Way ♪

♪ Amen ♪

(audience applauding)

(Amnesia screaming)

Reverend Mother!

Reverend Mother!

Reverend Mother, Reverend Mother!

Come out, come out!

Reverend Mother, I remember!

I remember who I am!

- But who are you?
- You see,

- [Amnesia] I was going to
be this big country singer

and I was going on my way to Nashville,

but somehow I felt that I had this calling

so I decided not to become a big star

and I decided to become
unimportant like all of you!

(audience laughing)

Reverend Mother, I'm Sister Mary Paul.

- Sister Mary Paul.

That's a nice name, isn't it Hubert?

(audience laughing)

- Well now, I seem to remember hearing

about a Sister Mary Paul
when we were in France,

but when we'd got back here

nobody knew what had become of her

and then you mysteriously appeared

and all you could tell us was a

crucifix had fallen on your head.

So you're Mary Paul?

- Yes.

- Do you remember everything?

- Yes, well I think I do.

You see, I won this big contest

and I was on my way--

- Contest!

That's it!

Mary Paul!

That was the name of the nun

who won the Publisher's
Clearing House Sweepstakes!

And nobody could find her!

So that's you?

Well we've got the money.

Oh saints be praised!

We're rich!

(organ music)
♪ Gloria ♪

(singing in foreign language)

- Somebody call Ed McMahon!

- This means we can bury
the last four dead sisters!

- Oh yeah!

And we can get a 36-inch
screen for the VCR.

- And I helped!

- Yes you did, yes you did!

To tell you the truth,

I was getting a little bit nervous

about having to defrost
those girls tomorrow morning.

- Yeah, and Jersey smells
bad enough as it is.

- [Regina] Oh Robert Anne!

- It just goes to show that the Lord does,

indeed, work in mysterious ways.

- Oh one minute we're desperate--

- And the next minute, we're rich!

- You just never know what
the Almighty has planned.

- Today, the Mistress
of Novices, tomorrow--

- Tomorrow, the world could be saluting

the first nun ballerina!

- That's right dear, just
don't give up your day job.

(audience laughing)

But the important thing is

we can finally send those
last four Sisters off

to claim their heavenly reward,

and we can get back to concentrating

on our heavenly rewards,

because as you know, each and
every one of us here tonight

has the potential to become a saint.

- Oh, and you know something?

- What?

(piano solo)

♪ If you wanna be a saint ♪

♪ All you got to do ♪

♪ Is pick a saint ♪

♪ To emulate ♪

♪ Who most embodies you ♪

Ooh I got the spirit.

♪ And figure out ♪

♪ What makes that saint ♪

♪ The idol of today ♪

♪ Then follow ♪

♪ In those footsteps ♪

♪ And you'll earn ♪

♪ The right to say ♪

♪ I'm holier than thou ♪

♪ I've got the spirit now ♪

♪ I feel like I'm in heaven ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm holier than thou ♪

♪ I'm holier than thou ♪

♪ I've got the spirit now ♪

♪ I thank God almighty
that I'm holier than thou ♪

See how easy it is?

All right, somebody pick a saint!

- Saint Bernadette!

- Excellent choice
Sister, excellent choice.

♪ Bernadette of Lourdes ♪

♪ Can be easily achieved ♪

♪ She said she saw a virgin ♪

♪ Which, of course, no one believed ♪

♪ People said she'd lost her mind ♪

♪ There was no lady there ♪

♪ So go and find a virgin ♪

♪ Then come back here and declare ♪

♪ Oh, I'm holier than thou ♪

♪ I've got the spirit now ♪

♪ I feel like I'm in heaven ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm holier than thou ♪

♪ I'm holier than thou ♪

♪ I've got the spirit now ♪

♪ I thank God almighty ♪

♪ That I'm holier than thou ♪

All right girls, help me out now!

♪ Doo, doo, doo ♪

♪ That's it ♪

♪ Doo, doo, doo ♪

♪ All right now ♪

♪ Doo, doo, doo ♪

♪ Let's have another one ♪

♪ Doo, doo, doo ♪

- [Robert Anne] Saint Lucy!

♪ Lucy was a virgin ♪

♪ So with that test you don't fail ♪

♪ Lucy could be perfect ♪

♪ Except for one detail ♪

♪ Now Lucy was a martyr ♪

♪ Which could be a bit severe ♪

♪ I think I'll pick a safer saint ♪

♪ And stick around to hear ♪

♪ I'm holier than thou ♪

- Get it girl!

♪ I got that spirit now ♪

- Don't hurt yourself!

♪ I feel like I'm in heaven 'cause ♪

♪ I'm holier than thou ♪

♪ I'm holier than thou ♪

♪ I've got the spirit now ♪

♪ I thank God almighty
that I'm holier than thou ♪

♪ Doo, doo, doo ♪

♪ Doo, doo, doo ♪

♪ All right now ♪

♪ Doo, doo, doo ♪
♪ I got something now ♪

♪ Some miracle ♪
♪ Doo, doo, doo ♪

♪ You could be Saint Anthony ♪

♪ And run a lost and found ♪

♪ If you're into torture girls ♪

♪ Saint Agnes was renowned ♪

♪ Mary Magdalen is perfect ♪

♪ For a hooker with a dream ♪

♪ With God all things are possible ♪

♪ Nothing's too extreme ♪

♪ I'm holier than thou ♪

♪ I'm holier than thou ♪

♪ I'm holier than thou ♪

♪ Listen to me now ♪

- When you leave here tonight,

we want you to go home and pick a saint,

so you can get down to get up

and out onto the road to heaven!

Yes!

All right now folks!

I want you to put your
hands together for me!

Come on now!

That's it!

Ah ah!

Woo, could I have an amen!

Amen!

- [Everyone] Amen!

- [Hubert] Amen!

- [Everyone] Amen!

- Amen!

- [Everyone] Amen!

♪ Uh huh ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

♪ I thank God almighty ♪

♪ That I'm holier than thou ♪

♪ I'm Holier than thou ♪

♪ I've got the spirit now ♪

♪ I feel like I'm in heaven ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm holier than thou ♪

♪ I'm holier than thou ♪

♪ I've got the spirit now ♪

♪ You know, I feel like I'm in heaven ♪

- [Regina] Jam it Sister, jam it!

♪ I said I feel like I'm in ♪

♪ Heaven ♪

You know why?

- Why?

♪ Because ♪

♪ Why ♪

♪ Because ♪

♪ Oh why ♪

♪ Because ♪

♪ Because I'm holier ♪

♪ Than ♪

♪ Thou ♪
♪ I'm holier than thou ♪

♪ I'm holier than thou ♪

♪ I'm holier than thou ♪

♪ Holier than thou ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

(audience applauding)

(slow upbeat music)

♪ Turn up the spotlight ♪

♪ 'Cause when we got light ♪

♪ All that we can say ♪

♪ Is it really has been fun ♪

♪ Thank you each and every one ♪

♪ It's time to end our play ♪

♪ By the way ♪

♪ God bless you ♪

♪ Each day ♪

(slow quirky music)

(audience applauding)

(light fast paced music)

(light slow paced music)

(light fast paced music)

(slow carnival music)
(audience cheering)

- [Everyone] Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo!